The Story of Jae...

URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL TRANSFER.

2012-01-28T09:30:00.000-05:00

Greetings!.

I appeal to you to exercise a little patient and read through my letter, I wish to contact you personally for a long term relationship and investment assistance in your Country, i will really like to have a good relationship with you and I have a special reason why I decided to contact you.

My name is Mr Musa Akim Office of Auditing and Accounting File Manager with Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. In my department i discovered an abandoned sum of (US$10M DOLLARS) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer (MR. RICHARD BURSON from Florida, U.S.A) who died along with his entire family on November 1999 in a plane crash.

I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($10M USD) to your account within 7banking days, while every necessary arrangement should commence after I have hear from you.

This money has been dormant for years in our Bank without claim, and I don't want the money to go into the Reserve Bank of Burkina Faso (RBBF), as an abandoned fund. So this is the reason why I contacted you so that the bank can release the money to you as the next of kin to the deceased customer.

Please I would like you to keep this transfer as a top secret between me and you alone ok.

I promise you that i will direct you on how this transfer will go successfully if only you can abide to my instruction.Upon receipt of your reply i will give you full details on how the business will be executed.

Kindly send me this information below to have trust in you that you would betray me.

(1) Your full name...

(2) Your address...

(3) Country..

(4) Age...

(5) Occupation.......

(6) Private telephone number

(7) Sex.

l will send you my details of this transaction as soon as I hear from you thanks, trusting to hear from you immediately with your contact information

My Regards.

Mr Musa Akim

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2012-01-28T06:27:00.001-05:00

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2012-01-09T04:06:00.001-05:00

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Accept Julie Lathrop's Invitation

On December 27, Julie Lathrop wrote:

> To: MY BLOGGER [joulesofaffection.102898@blogger.com]

> From: Julie Lathrop [joulesofaffection@rocketmail.com]

> Subject: Invitation to connect on LinkedIn

> MY,
>
> I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.
>
> - Julie

You are receiving Reminder emails for pending invitations. Unsubscribe.

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2012-01-04T05:36:00.000-05:00

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Reminder about your invitation from Julie Lathrop

2012-01-02T08:38:00.001-05:00

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Accept Julie Lathrop's Invitation

On December 27, Julie Lathrop wrote:

> To: MY BLOGGER [joulesofaffection.102898@blogger.com]

> From: Julie Lathrop [joulesofaffection@rocketmail.com]

> Subject: Invitation to connect on LinkedIn

> MY,
>
> I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.
>
> - Julie

You are receiving Reminder emails for pending invitations. Unsubscribe.

Invitation to connect on LinkedIn

2011-12-26T20:00:00.001-05:00

From Julie Lathrop

Customer Service at Adecco Employment Services

Reading, Pennsylvania Area

MY,

I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.

- Julie

Confirm that you know Julie

You are receiving Invitation to Connect emails. Unsubscribe

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2011-12-23T04:41:00.000-05:00

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Its been so long

2011-10-01T23:40:00.002-04:00

since I've posted.. my life is totally different but exactly the same....

My new @myspace.com email address

2009-09-17T15:19:00.001-04:00

Hey, I have a new email address:

joulesofaffection@myspace.com

Drop me a line!
-ஐMiss Jæஐ

I Want a Man

2007-05-09T15:15:00.000-04:00

That will buy me flowers and be all romantic.
If only.

Thats just one thing for my wish list.

I really just want Danny back.

I Hate

2007-04-29T01:04:00.000-04:00

I hate myself and want to die.
I know thats not the answer, but thats how I feel.
He left me. I knew it was only a matter of time...
but it still hurts...

I feel like we never had a chance. We weren't even communicating.. every time
I was able to try... he'd blow me off...
Yet.. to him.. its all my fault...

I'm very hurt. Mostly because I can't blame it on him using me for sex.
What was he using me for?
Why ??? And WHY???

I don't get it.

Found This...

2007-03-13T20:12:00.000-04:00

This is funny. I just found this on another blog I wrote....
wow.. my life is sooo fucked up.

Monday, September 22, 2003

I think about writing a book, and I think I am greatly crazy. What do you think? It's ok "they" already know I'm crazy... and I am NOT talking about the FBI, CIA or the Aliens.
MY LIFE RIGHT NOW...
I'm currently almost engaged to my Romanian boyfriend, and wondering if I am doing the right thing, or if I am screwing up my life. C, is very sweet and I love him so much, but it is completely emotional. Is there anything wrong with that? Not really, better than being completely sexual. Know what I mean? So basically I think it is just my negativity in the way of my happiness.
My sister, A.. well her and her long time bf of almost three years just broke up. I think because he is wanting to be a kid again, and just realized he can't do that cuz they had a kid three (almost four) months ago. That is life, but my sister is pretty depressed, same as I am, but what is new?
Nothing on the home front, still living here, staying with CA, my gram... and hating it. I want my own place, but yet I don't. What do I do? Nothing, I just sit here and wait. I realized today, I only wanted to be here because of my sisters and brothers, and not it doesn't even make a difference to any of them. JC my brother is in a foster home, which is a good thing for him. S, my sister got a drinking underage Friday, and then was doing drugs yesterday.. WTF I say.. I am not helping them any. A is the only one I feel I am really helping, and she wants to take a bus with me back to KS, to get away from all this shit. She's just as fucking crazy as they are.
Well that is my life, as I know it today. SO be it.

Posted 9/22/2003 9:55 PM

I love him

2007-03-11T19:28:00.000-04:00

I love him so much, I wish we could get thru this. I'm so upset about all this. He's upset too. I don't blame him. I hurt him, he hurt me. We hurt each other so much. I feel like he thinks I cheated on him. I didn't. I wouldn't. I love him. It hurts me so much.

How do we get thru this. Right now, even though I know I'm not even his girlfriend, I'm still upset. He keeps telling me this is my call, not his, but it is again his. That is one of the things i was getting frustrated about. He told me he has a house all picked out, and that again, frustrates me, because like the dog... I wasn't consulted. My opinion didn't seem to matter, even though he told me orginally he wanted me to help him pick out a place. But again this point is null, since we aren't together, and even if he can take the time to trust me, I'm not sure if I can trust him. We both are kind of stuck.

We were talking just a few minutes ago, and he got upset and hung up on me. That hurts me more. I want to talk about this. I feel like he just wants to ignore things for the most part. When he first called me, you wouldn't of thought anything was wrong at all. It bothers me.

He was more upset when he found out who it was that I was kissing. I feel like he thinks I'm a liar, but I'm not. I never said anything to make him believe it wasn't Travis. I'm sorry he feels I am. This whole thing kills me.

I'm doing my best to keep the thoughts out of my head. Its really hard.

Hurting

2007-03-10T23:08:00.000-05:00

I'm hurting so bad. I feel like I want to die. I am so alone. Physically and mentally...

I got an email from him today, and all I done since, is think about crying, or cry... after everyone left. I'm here alone. I'm scared. I'm full of regret.

I loved him. I love him. I just couldn't deal with my feelings, and he would never talk to me about it. I felt so alone then... well for the last month... I felt like he was hiding things from me. I felt like didn't love me anymore. He promised me he'd be there for me when I got off the medicine. I asked him for help, and he blew me off. I told him how depressed I get around my birthday and he wasnt' there for me then either. I can't make him be there for me. I can't make him do anything. And all I wanted was for him to love me. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel like I was important.

I just want to curl up and die. I can't handle this feeling. I can't handle the pain. And I know he'll never understand. I hate how I feel like he blames me for everything going wrong. I know its not completely my fault. We were both at fault.

Part of me wants to slit my wrist and bleed to death...
Part of me wants to just cherish the good times.. and move on..
Part of me wants him back....
I just want him to understand..... I want to feel understood.
I don't want to feel like I do now, like I never meant anything to him....

I've had so many guys hit on me since yesterday... its rediculous... before I told any of them I was single. I don't want any of them. I want the feeling I had when he was here with me. I want to see his blue eyes, and his smile... I want to hear him say.. "you'd better!"

My Lesson

2007-03-08T21:09:00.000-05:00

I met this man, who brought me happiness. He did. I truely love him. After last nite, I realized it was over. I couldn't deal with it. Our relationship wasn't healthy. We didn't trust each other. It stemmed from our past. I say that is true of me, but I really can't speak for him.

I felt a few months ago, after our fight, that maybe he wasn't the one I was meant to be with, but I didn't want to give up without giving us a chance. But... I learned again... that my gut instinct is the one I should go with. He came into my life to teach me a lesson. A lesson about my nosiness.

I let him into my life, he had access to all my accounts.. my life.. my phone calls... everything. I had access to nothing. I don't even know his address. I bought him cards... and wrote them out, and couldn't send them.. because I didn't have anywhere to send them too.

At first it was cute & funny... and then.. I felt like he had something to hide.

Last week, I found a house... in Colorado Springs, that was mortgaged in his name and a woman's as well. I ranted to his voicemail about this... one nite the other day, when I couldn't stand it anymore. I never got a response. About anything. I'll just assume, after the call I just received its true.

He said... "oh you broke up with me..." I said.. " did I?" and he's like, "you locked me out of your accounts, you told me you couldn't handle it anymore...." and I was like " I can't" and he said.. "fine, you changed ur passwords, I am changing mine... " and he said something else.. and hung up. It all happened so quickly. I dialed back his number, and he basically treated me like it was all my fault. I know its not, and I will not accept the blame... although I'll feel it for some time. He accused me of seeing someone else, and spending time with other people... (which I was never seeing anyone else, I was faithful to him.. although.. I was tempted not to be faithful... but i was spending time with others...) why should I not spend time with my friends, when he can't make any time for me? Why should I seclude myself? Why should I feel guilty about having a life, when he has one, he never shared with me? I shouldn't. Then before the call ended.. he told me to never call or email him again.. and said.. " don't make me get a restraining order on you" I was like wtf? and that was after he said something about me not calling him for the last two days... Well my calls have got less and less in the past month, because I felt like it was a waste of time to call him... because he never called me back...

I am so hurt. I love how because I'm the one with the diagnosed mental problem... that it seems to be all my fault. Well its not. Its not normal for a guy to not give his gf his cell phone number or his address.. unless he has something to hide.

This whole fight started last nite.. when he called to scream at me.. for giving my friend Travis his "personal information". Travis is a friend of mine, for a few years... he was trying to console me when he knew I was having trouble with my relationship. He likes me but respects my relationship, and my faithfulness to the man I was dating... So, he like many others thought that my bf was lying to me. He said... "forward me the headers from the email he sent you." So I took the last email... and took all the words out.. and forwarded him... so Travis had the IP address and the email address. My so called boyfriend... called me from work to flip out about it. He can spy on me, and read my email, and my phone bills, but can't take the time to call me and tell me he loves me. Thats what pissed me off. I couldn't handle it after all the nites i was put off..

All I wanted was his help with makeing some important decisions that would effect our future... but I knew.. when he wouldn't take the time.. he couldn't be serious...

But... I thought I was the one with problems....

I love him... but I'll say it again... love is never enough.

I appreciate all that we had. The closeness. The kisses. He truely made me feel special, and believe in myself. How he could finish my sentences, before i even started them.. and vice versa...

Right now, I have no idea what he's feeling, but he was way out of line. I just wish I could understand, but I know... I will have to accept that I never will.

Is my life my life... or what?

2007-02-25T15:34:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I wrote tha title, but right now, I'm feeling rather down, and crappy. Its my own fault though.

First I'm wondering, should I of went of the meds. I don't have the support system I want. I feel lost this moment. Then again, I'm thinking, I'm just down, because I had alcohol last nite, and its a weekend, and I'm lonely. (weekends are the worst!!) So that could be it too. Then I feel sunk down, and deeply sad... and start letting things spin out of control, but then I try to pep talk myself up, and tell myself this is just temp. I'll wake up tomorrow, bright and early, and be soooo happy to go to work. Which I will be, but now, I'm getting nervous about starting the job I was first hired for.... I'm not sure I really want to go to it anymore. It will give me money, and stuff, so I guess i will survive... I'll feel better if that's all I got out of it.

I'm so tired of living here with my aunt. Its like, when I say, I'll give you some money, when I get my money... she's begging me for it. She doesn't need it today, and i wanted to get my money straight, before I wrote her a check...but to no avail, I am not straight with my money, and had to write her one anyway, I'm tired of the whining.

You could tell it was a long and stressful week for me. I was so grumpy with her last nite, but I hate when people try to ask you all kinds of questions when you are doing something and trying to get out the door. That pisses me off. I'm happy though, I got my E-Z Pass... that's fucked up, I'm happy about that, but it will save me from rolling my window down twice and stopping twice on the way to work...

I'm glad I went and saw Suffrajett last nite. I couldn't tell if my friends where enjoying or not, but I'm glad they came. The second band sucked though, and they didn't stick around. I think they thought they had to stay, but when I was too busy talking to Simi (the lead singer), they realized I'd be ok. They left... but I wasn't there too much longer. I didn't want to be tempted to drink anymore. I sometimes am an love with the inhibitions that alcohol gives me. I was really hoping Danny would call last nite, but then I'm glad he didn't. I might of said something that wasn't very nice. And I can get loud and unruly, and I'd rather not do anything to hurt our relationship.

I have been so lonely lately. I really need some physical affection, and want Danny to be here to give it to me. I'm a bit upset because I wanted to see him already, and didn't get to. I would of been more than happy to go out there, but since I didn't even know where he lived, I couldn't of done that either. He didn't want me there anyway... so it was a pointless cause. I gave up on the thought before my birthday. But it still makes me sad.

Well I really can't think about this right now, it brings me back to all the things I want to talk to him about and can't. The things that keep being put off, and it makes me ridiculously sad, and angry, so I'm going to go in my room, and try to relax to get my mind off the tears that keep forming in my eyes.

Every Day....

2007-02-11T03:08:00.000-05:00

Is a winding road....

Feeling better today. Whatever better is....

lol

It was a good day, I mean, how can it not be... I can drop a few hundred dollars... and not feel too guilty about it. Sure.. I guess I could of done something else with it, but I needed new shoes, and well the other things I got, I wanted. Ok, I do feel a little guilty, but oh well.

Talking with my baby today made me laugh.. even if I was and am still annoyed/mad about a few things. I know alot of it is beyond his control, and I'm trying to be understanding. I don't think he thinks I am though. I hate how I feel when I think he feels like he's done something to hurt me. He really is a good boyfriend. Its just, this isn't what I was expecting. Me and my high expectations, and always wanting more.

I realized today I was hurt about something he said. I've been obsessing over it, but whats new. I'm always obsessing over something. I told him I didn't have a life.. or something to that regards, and well, he said something to the effect... .... I guess next time I'll have to remember to find a girlfriend with a life. It hurt. I know when he reads this, he'll probably say something, and tell me he was joking. But, sometimes, even if he is joking its hard for me. I don't like thinking about that. Mostly because... A. he agreed.. with me that I didn't have a life.. and B. saying that implied that there would be a next girlfriend. So I guess thats why it hurt.

I had some thoughts on the future today. They weren't good nor bad. Just thoughts on what to do and where to go. I guess to start having that "life" and quit waiting for something different to happen. I'm still so frustrated.. about having to find a car. I really don't need a car right at this moment, but if I don't get one now, then down the road.. it will cause problems for me because I have no idea how long I will be living here with my aunt. So regardless of where I go, or where I live, I need my own car.

Its just so frustrating to love someone so much, and know that he loves you as well, and says he wants a future with you, but yet you are so far apart... and feel so alone, and don't really have a life together. Yet, you want that so much, because you feel it will make you both happy.

Right Now

2007-02-10T00:43:00.000-05:00

I don't care how positive my attitude should be, or could be, or will be, but right now its not.

And know what. I don't care.

Right now, right at this very moment, in my head. I hate my life. I accept that I'm feeling that way. I accept that its my perception of things. I accept that things do suck sometimes.

But right now... I truely... HATE MY LIFE. Five minutes from now may be different. But that is that. And I'm ok with it. I'll work on changing it tommorrow.

There Will Be Days Like This....

2007-02-10T00:21:00.000-05:00

There will be. I struggle thru them. Trying to hold back tears. Trying to hold back anger. Trying to sooth myself, without being needy. Trying to feel normal.

I realize I never will be. I have to accept that. I mean, I know that... but I really really have to accept it. But there are other things I don't have to accept.

Questions I have, that I want answered. I just realized I was really upset about it. I was too caught up in love, and in what I wanted, until I started asking questions, I didn't realize how upset I was about not getting answers. I don't like sitting around, waiting. Waiting for answers. If I ask a question.. or have a question. I want to get over it. I am very frustrated at this moment. I've been feeling this anxiety for over 24 hours...

It got worse, when I got the mail today. I'm so frustrated with my life. There are so many things, and I'm stressed about them. Despite how well, I really am coping... I feel like I'm failing again. I feel like I'm on the edge of losing it. I keep telling myself that tommorrow will be different.. well today is tommorrow.. and tommorrow is Sunday...

I feel too anxious to show up at the Silent Cafe. Something I so enjoyed. My sign language class. I couldn't take this semester because of money. It fucking sucks. I have to work, to have money. I want to go to school. If I go to school full time, right now, its pretty much all paid for (well I need to take loans for books), but by just taking one class I got fucked. Got to love it. I'll get alot of grants too, if I went next term, but I hate the school I was going to. I have to pay off all that so I can get my transcripts. I wasn't even thinking about that till now.

I'm going to stop writing, because I'm spiraling. I have to find something to get me off the spiral, and sitting here typing about it won't do.

I think I'll go cry.

Sadness

2007-02-05T19:36:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling better overall, but today, things just got to me. I'm tired of waiting for everything. I feel so stuck. I have too much going on in my head. Too much to put on a list. Too much to deal with. I'm functioning, but would rather be in bed.

Today, after I got off the phone with the lady from the assistance office, I just started bawling my eyes out, and I'm still not sure why. Maybe just because I'm not sure what to do. I feel stuck, and just want move on with my life.

Plus now, I have concerns for Darian on my chest. She wants to see her dad this summer. He hasn't even called her since November. Its sad, and sick. What the fuck is his problem. Why did I even let her see him in the first place. Why does he have to be her father. Why does she love him? I feel like he doesn't even care about her. Why would he not call her? Why? This makes me cry. Everything I've done wrong with her, makes me cry.

The little girl only wants a room of her own. She's barely had it in her 8 years of life. I want to give her that, I want to give her a room of her own, for all her things, to make her feel special. I can't even do that.

Tears

2007-02-04T19:30:00.000-05:00

I'm so sad. Then stupid me, I read some of the last posts. Then I can't stop the tears. I'm so lonely today. I'm lonely most days. I don't feel hopeless, but I feel less hope today.

I only get irritable with my aunt. I am tired of picking up after my daughter, she likes to spend time in my room, and then she gets everything every where. It pisses me off.

I want to just get out of this house, but have nowhere to go. Right now, I can't even just go for a ride, because my aunt is actually using her car.

I just broke my sisters picture frame that was on my desk, so now I have to go find the fucking vaccuum and get the glass vacuumed up so it doesn't get in anyones foot. Not that I have anything to worry about, I always wear my shoes. Isn't that sad.

Its sad, when one thing you wish to have, is a house, where you have to take your shoes off at the door. I've never been in a house, where I feel comfortable to do that. I want a house, where I can do that.

I want a place where I can feel like its my home. I've never had that. The closest I came, was taken away from me, when my uncle retired from the Navy and came home, and took over my grandmothers house. Now, its nothing like where I grew up. Its not the same. And now, I'm sad about it? what? why the fuck am I crying? Its just a house right? Why am I so sad about it?

Sometimes I hate being me.

Those Thoughts...

2007-02-04T18:23:00.000-05:00

Ever have thoughts that you don't know where they come from... or why you are having them, but think they are a result of a realization of wanting to push away.

I'm so confused at this moment. Why do I have these thoughts? Why are these certain things bothering me. Things I don't even want to bring to light. Things that I don't want to mention, because it seems so petty, but yet strange.

I knew the pushing away running away would come, but why does it have to? I don't even want to deal with these feelings right now. I don't want to deal with being in love.

Maybe its because Valentines Day is coming.... or maybe because of my birthday.... maybe because I'm missing him. Maybe because I'm being impatient. Maybe because I have concerns that I never seem to address. Concerns of the future.

Right now, I just want to cry....

I hate feeling so alone.

Alone, confused, and misdirected.

Why

2007-02-01T01:48:00.000-05:00

Why do I do that. I can always seem to give good advice, but don't generally follow it???

I gave an answer on yahoo answers that really made me think.

It was in regards to marriages, and why they end. I truly believe I know why they end. I've seen it, I've heard it. I've read studies.

I've had a live in bf, well a few.... and I know how things get. If I had married him, would I of stayed? I say no, because it came to the point, for me, that instead of me.. being the one being abused... I became abusive. Verbally... I yelled and screamed. I'm sure I had no regards for his feelings. And then I became physically abusive. I hit him. Twice. Yes, I was feeling threatened at the time, and yes I was angry, but I still don't believe that it should of happened. He never laid a hand on me.

I say I would never divorce, but there are certain circumstances, in which I mite feel warranted. Abuse is the first. Whether is it physical, emotional, mental.. etc... No one should feel they have to stay in an abusive marriage. Although I don't find being abused a reason to cheat either.

There is no reason to cheat. I feel if one person in the marriage cheated, and the trust couldn't be reestablished, it could be warranted to get a divorce. I myself would find a way to communicate to my husband, once I found my eyes even straying towards another man. I've found myself tempted many times, and each time that I found another man being more appealing than the person I was with, i felt it was time to reevaluate the relationship. I didn't cheat to make myself feel happy. Some people could consider it cheating, although, when I feel the need to have an type of intimacy with another man I find a problem with that. I've gone as far as kissing another man, which is something I don't even feel allowable, but it gave me a wake up call. If that makes sense.

I'm big into monogamy. I'm too jealous to have it any other way. I can't fathom how people have open relationships.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this tonite. Partly because its something that's on my mind. Partly because of the question I answered. I question my current relationship, and I know I questioned past relationships... saying .. "what if this doesn't work out".... I don't like feeling that, but I like to prepare for the worst.

All I've ever wanted is a family. To me that includes a husband and a child. I have my child, and have searched for a husband. In all the wrong places, but I have looked. Sometimes I don't look, and just trip over someone, and realize shortly after I've decided to put my all into it. I find a problem that I just can't tolerate... and well... I'm too, I don't know, ashamed, embarrassed, or just lonely to tell the other person I'm in the relationship with. Or maybe I think they can change.. or they will want to change.... because they tell me they will change. Its not true though... and hasn't ever happened.... Well.. Until now.

So far, and I know I haven't spent much time with Danny thus far, so far, I haven't found anything wrong with him. I don't like that he works too much, and doesn't have time for me, but the thing with that is, I need time to work on myself. I need to be alone, and I need to learn to be ok with being alone. I need to stop feeling like I have to have someone to help me when I'm in a crisis, and I have to try to get thru it. I have to cope with it. The time we have together is usually awesome, to say the least. Even when I start off in a bad mood, things usually end up good. When I can actually get myself to communicate to him, he's usually very willing to listen and try to help me. He makes me laugh. He gets me thinking. He opens up my mind. He shows me love and affection. He really tries to be patient with me...

All this is scary. I think back to my ex's and how I found reasons to run away shortly after I met them, yet I would stay because I thought it could get better.

Only it didn't.

I Was Sad....

2007-01-31T01:07:00.000-05:00

But now I'm doing better. Danny called. I was quiet, with not much to say.

My afternoon was quite melancholy, which turned to me feeling depressed, because I was so overwhelmed. I thought about all the things I posted earlier, over and over. I thought about thoughts of them. Then, I got depressed, because I felt like I was wrong about Danny. I went into my spiraling thoughts. I obsessed about him joking about his address. I obsessed about his not giving me his cell number. I obsessed about the things I obsessed about before. Then the thoughts of the meds, and this summer, and hurting myself.

So when he called, even though I was looking forward to the call all day. I sat in silence, hoping he'd tell me something about his day or something of interest, but instead, he asked me how my day was, and I said I felt sad, so thats where the focus went. I couldn't tell him I was obsessing again. I couldn't tell him I didn't want to talk, because I was shutting down. I just wanted to cry,and kept trying to not cry.

The phone call was rather unpleasant, until I said what I needed to say. He made a joke and made me laugh. I opened up and told him some of the things bothering me, and although I'm still stressed, I'm feeling much better.

I got really upset when he read my blog and said that the decisions, and worries I had had nothing to do with us, because they do. They are things I have to decide, but if we are truly wanting to be together, they will all effect us in the future. Thats what I think about. I don't think about just me, and what's good today. If that were the case, things would be different. I'm so confused as to what to do, and I'm barely keeping my head above water. I feel like every time I come up for air, someone is there with a boot on the top of my head pushing me back under.

Now I'm obsessing again, about things he said to me. I hate when I feel like this. I hate not being able to help him understand how missing him feels. I thought I would of seen him by now. That is what I thought the plan was. And still now, I have no idea when. I want to buy a plane ticket and just show up there, but that would be a foolish way to spend my income tax, when right now, we are just barely surviving... And then I still even wonder.... is the address I have for him correct? And get upset because he won't even confirm.. or say... " I live at... " What is so hard about that? What is so hard about giving me your phone number? Then I wonder why he's with me, and if he really has any idea what he's getting into...

I don't think he does.

Then I feel sad, and just want to run away. I want to get away from him, and my feelings for him. So I can minimize the hurt. I can't ever take it away, because I'm too much in love with him for that.

My life is different since I met him. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm lonely. Since I met him, I've lost two really good friends, and have been minimal in my contact with adults. My sister is also gone now too. Things weren't going good, with her here, but at least there was someone to talk to once in a while. Especially when she first came. Matt, still hasn't really talked to me, and its frustrating.. he's back to his can't make time for me, and it pisses me off. I really thought I was going to be mad at him when I got back, for the way he treated me when he started dating my sister, but I wasn't... and I reached out to him, and now, he's being flaky again. And I lost Gywnne, which partly is my own doing, but apparently she wasn't what I thought she was in the first place. All my "fans" have disappeared too... so thats another loss. I tell them I've met someone, and they stay away... for the most part. Then comes the part where I don't do anything on the weekends. The only person I can really go see is my best friend... and thats in Baltimore, and I've not had the money for that.

Then comes the other problem I have. If Danny calls, and I happen to be doing something... then I basically get screwed out of even having a small conversation with him. He immediately says he'll let me go. And I feel like I'm being pushed off the phone. I feel like he thinks everything is more important than him. All I want is to talk to him, and I'm willing to stop most things I'm doing because I feel the need to connect with him. I want to connect with him. I hate the way things are though. I hate that he never can tell me when he can call back. I hate the feeling I feel inside when I miss his call, and he seems like he's upset with me.

Then comes the next thing. He said tonite that I was "delicate". Its just a nice way to say what everyone else says. "You are too emotional. You overreact. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. You are always so moody. You take things too personal." Or what the Doctor's say, " You are Bipolar, You have Borderline Personality Disorder." Take your pick. Seriously. I just feel at some point it will become more of a problem, and he will get sick of me. I get sick of me alot, so its only a matter of time. I'm in group to help me deal with things like this, but only time and practice of developing my coping skills, will really help. I guess we have to wait and see.

So, even though, my sadness has came back, mostly because I'm writing about it here, I'm not feeling as bad as I was, and I'm happy and proud that I was able to open up a bit to Danny. Its so hard for me, and I've went thru so many relationships, suffering, because I couldn't speak up. I felt like I couldn't ask for help. I felt helpless. I felt like what I had to say wasn't worth it. I left all those relationships feeling unheard and unloved. I can't let anything like that happen in this relationship. I don't want to lose this man. He's too special to me. I just hope that he can be patient with me, and help me open up.

Ack, My Head Hurts...

2007-01-30T16:27:00.000-05:00

Life is never as simple as it seems. My life has never been simple. Do you ever get jealous of others and how they find things so simple. I find myself doing that, more than I ever thought I did. I know sometimes its not always an honest perception of others lives, but they seem so with it.

I have a wonderful man, who I love very much. I have a awesome daughter, who is my world. I want only the best for her. I want us to form a family, yet hesitate at the same time. Are me and Danny crazy for wanting this so soon. But are we? I don't think we are, but then sometimes I think we are. Then I wonder if I'm getting ahead of myself. Is he really on the same page with me, or is this my fantasy in my head taking over?

I don't want to get caught up in this, yet, I want to make plans for the future. Is this so wrong. I'm sitting here almost in tears, frozen in my tracks, as to what to do. I have so many decisions to make. So many things to worry about. Insurance, Dr's, medicine, therapy, my health, my career, my education, all my past bills, deciding what to do about my car situation. I'll be getting money from my income tax, that will help with all this, but how do I figure out what my priorities are?

I know right now, I just need a vacation. I want to be away from the stress of this house. I want to be with my man, even if its only for a minute. I want to feel his kiss, hold his hand, hear his heartbeat. I need it. I crave it.

I'm not depressed, but I'm not feeling well either. I just don't feel right anymore. I have a migraine right now, but that's not it either. I want to feel like myself again, regardless of if its the same as I was before.

I feel so alone at this moment. I know that this will pass though.

Welcome to Winter

2007-01-25T23:46:00.000-05:00

Snow, coming...
ha, finally Dare is happy. So happy.

I am semi looking forward to the weekend. Its a long drive, the weather is supposed to suck, and I'm in the car with my bitchy ass sister, and all I keep hearing in my head is her bf, my friend, saying... "oh, she's only like this because she's pregnant." MY ASS. But he's one for excuses himself. I say this, because I believe this. I feel like people judge me when I say things like this, because I'm not saying I make excuses. But if I felt like talking about that I would. Yes, I sometimes do make excuses. It just tires me, people making excuses for others. It reminds me of my family. Reminds me of many many many wrong things.

Reminds me of my mother, of her family, of the wrongness involved. Their excuses.

It makes me sad.

I have had some really nice conversations with my man lately and feel better about publicly bringing out the wrong in my life. The past hurt, so I can show the truth I've been needing to get out for years. Over the past 3 years mostly, I've been struggling alot. This past year was hell for me. I was barely functional for over half the year. I beat myself up for everything. I now know it doesn't have to be that way. I don't have to wear the label on the front of my shirt. I don't have to wear it at all. I can peel it off and throw it away. I have found many reasons to live, and learned many coping skills. I've found someone who wants to stick by me, and has given me hope that I have the strength within myself to move past the obstacles I've been dealing with. He's also given me a shoulder to lean on, one that I know is strong. I've finally found someone who is looking for the same things, at the same time. It feels great.

Right now, I'm missing him.
But, I know that all is ok, and that he loves me.

Another Day

2007-01-24T22:44:00.000-05:00

I didn't do much. What's new. I always say that, but its not totally true. I went to my DBT Group today. I always wonder why I'm there, when I'm there. I'm learning the skills, but some of the stuff is common sense. It's just when I'm in distress, I can't seem to cope at all. I'm worried about the meds. I have a matter of days to decide. Then I talk to the Dr. Get his opinion, and make my decision. Do the meds really make a difference?

I truely believe they don't. Or do I? I want to listen to what people say, because, both times I messed with my meds, things ended up badly. But.... This last time. I was getting more and more depressed. I was like, why am I taking these meds? Especially if they aren't helping? I got more depressed, kept forgetting to take them, and then, just didn't take them.

Things are different now. I'm not at a job that emotional stirs me everyday. I'm not dealing with people screaming at me, for insurance laws. I'm not dealing with that whole environment. I'm not dealing with being in a relationship that I'm not sure about. I'm not dealing with daycare, and transportation expenses. Or how to juggle that and therapy, and everyones schedule.

I am home most days. I have two appts a week, during the day, while my daughter is at school. I spend lots of time with her. I don't wonder what she's doing because I know. She rarely goes to a sitter. She likes having me around, and its only when I've been off work that I've been able to be there for her. When I was working at The Hartford, I worked, and went to school, and never saw her. I didn't wake up with her, I didn't tuck her in. I'd come home late and kiss her, or watch her for a few minutes. No more wondering what's going on at school, or who her friends are. But, of course, I'm having alot of financial problems, but thats nothing new. I've never made enough to support myself and my daughter.

So... my dilema of the day. Meds or no meds... that is the question...

What is wrong with me?

2007-01-22T20:12:00.000-05:00

I've been losing my hair.

I'm tired. ( all the time) Even after a good nites rest.

I'm not pregnant.

And now I'm shaking.

I had a fight with my sister, and I'm mad, and upset, because she's being an inappreciative bitch, and because she's telling me I'm one, but that shouldn't cause this much anxiety....
I'm almost out of the one med, and I want to just get off the other meds, I can't afford them without my insurance. But what if I relapse again. What if I become suicidal again....

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

2007-01-20T14:23:00.000-05:00

Well, I want to be a race car driver....

Thats my humorous answer anyway. The answer that gets people to laugh, and talk about the past. But seriously.

Seriously. I'm already grown. Sometimes I feel twice my age. Sometimes I feel like a child again. Today, I've felt both. Already. And I've slept about 10 hours out of the day. So before I slept, I felt old. Old because of a conversation I had. I cried. For quite a while. I was sad. I was disappointed in myself. I felt regret. Why haven't I done more with my life. I tried to be more positive and think of the future. Then I got sadder. I thought about my man, and how, if I'm lucky, I'll be starting a career, when he retires from the Air Force. Yeah, how can I make a positive out of that. All I've ever wanted to do is go to school.

I love to learn. I could go to school forever. If I couldn't input the knowledge into my brain, then I'd think something was wrong with me. I'm scared. I have to do something with my life. Thing is, I like working. I almost always find something to enjoy about every job I've had. I enjoy being social, being friendly. I enjoy teaching people. I keep saying lately I want to be a teacher. Its ideal. And although I've always said I want to be an architect, I really don't see that being realistic.

But, my problem with teaching, is being accepted. Not that I don't think I can. But I constantly think about my scars. I want to be an elementary teacher. Do I wear long sleeves all the time? How do I explain it? I'd be constantly around people to see and judge me. My therapist has told me, by the time I get to that point, I'll have more confidence, and it won't matter. I try to see that, but I get questions from my daughters friends. I brush them off, and feel bad about it. I tell them I got hurt. Its a long story. Or if they ask, did a cat scratch me, I'll say ,"Yes" sometimes. I feel bad inside, lying to them. I don't believe lying can ever be good. Regardless if the lie is meant to protect.

So what do I do? Where do I want to be? Its hard. I just want to live day by day. I get upset about the future. I get upset about the past. I feel like no matter what I do. It won't matter. Right now, I just want to cry. I want to talk to my man about these things, and I can't because I can't handle being upset around him. I don't get to talk to him much, I don't want to spend 90% of the time crying. It seems like I do anyway. Right now, I feel like I'm going to loose him. I feel like I am not good enough for him. Actually I always have. I have nothing to offer him. All I have for him is my love. And I think he questions even that. I hope he knows I love him. He'll read this, and I'm sure we will talk about it.

I just feel so hopeless lately. I don't want to think about yesterday or tommorrow. I just want to get thru the day. I want to have hope for the future, but I feel like everything I do, I mess up at, and that he won't want to be with me.

I felt better after a conversation we had the other day, but now I'm back questioning everything again. I want him to spell out what he wants with me.

I want stability. I want love. I want unconditional love. I want a balance.

Sad

2007-01-20T14:14:00.000-05:00

I'm hurting
and I don't know why.
I see my life before me,
and all I want to do is cry.

What did I do to deserve this pain?
Why does it hurt so bad?
I'm scared, I'm hurt,
I'm full of shame.

Why does my heart hurt?
Why does my pain soar?
Tears down my cheeks,
And on to the floor.

My insides hurt,
My whole body full of ache,
How much more of
This pain, do I take?

Tell me please,
Why it hurts so bad?
Why I want to cry,
And always feel sad.

2:36AM 01/20/2007

The Tapes

2007-01-20T14:07:00.000-05:00

I wish I could explain to him,
How I feel.

The sadness,
The anger,
The attitude,
Who can understand what is real?

Actions speak louder than words,
I always say,
How can I show him
I love him,
When my acting out,
gets in the way.

My intentions
never bad,
My voice,
getting sad.

I tell him its not him,
And its not,
It's the inner me,
It's my inner thought.

The thought,
The tapes,
playing over and over.
The ones that say,
"You aren't so great!"

They tell me,
I'm bound to repeat the past,
They tell me,
This love, will never last.

They show me, I've set
Myself up again,
And again.
This is exactly
where I've already been.

I tell myself "NO",
This time is different,
But I still hear
The tape playing,
And listen in fear.

I'm tired.

2007-01-17T20:59:00.000-05:00

I'm too tired to write to much. I'm worried about alot of stuff though. I'm extremely tired. Too tired to function. I've barely done anything at all and I'm about to pass out here writing. I'm going to bed after I type this. My hair is falling out, and breaking off. More than it should. I have a Dr's appointment tommorrow though. I'm trying to get all the stuff straight for when I lose my insurance. I have to find out what my income is going to be this month though.

I feel so much better about me and my man. I still have some concerns, but I no longer have a horrible feeling of losing him. I still fear it, but not like before. It felt good to hear him say nothing that happened would cause him to break up with me. I truely love him, and know it will be worth the wait. When he was here, it was amazing. Amazing to have all those feelings, without it being about sex, and intercourse. I feel that feeling in my chest, everytime I think of our time together. I felt so comfortable with him, like it was always mean to be.

I'm missing him so much right now. I can't wait to see him again.

Crying

2007-01-15T16:20:00.000-05:00

My mom actually wanted to talk to me last nite. I cried and cried. It hurt. I couldn't tell her everything I wanted to, but I started to. I couldn't help but question..... Is she drunk? I kept asking myself.....

She kept telling me how much she cared. I told her she didn't really show it. She kept saying she wanted me to get better, so I wonder what she thinks is going on with me. I told her I was getting better.

I just wish I really felt like I was getting better. Well sometimes I do, but sometimes, I feel twice as worse. I'm jealous of people that can cope. But I'll figure this stuff out, I just hope its before I destroy myself.

Aftermath

2007-01-14T19:40:00.000-05:00

I'm still confused as to what else is going on. At least since blogger is no longer in its beta version, my blog isn't as public as it used to me. Many people seem to take my writing wrong though. I use this as my outlet, not for others to judge me, or what I do or don't say.

I don't know how to cope with my feelings, and I do make bad choices, and have bad reactions. I haven't seen my man in over a month, and I am lonely. I wanted my friends to see that, and give me a call, or whatnot. I am not used to having a man that I don't get to talk to as much. Its hard on me. I know from what he says, that he misses me as much, but it doesn't show so much in his actions. I'm always emailing him with rarely a response. I know he is busy with work. I want to be the understanding girlfriend but I guess I'm wanting too much.

I have this ultimate feeling to feel loved and needed. I feel loved when we talk. But when we aren't talking, I don't feel loved or needed. I try really hard to think of our good times, and all of our good conversations, but its still really hard.

I don't talk to my ex's or hang out with people that I know to purposely hurt my man. But it seems to hurt him anyway. I don't know where the boundaries are, or what I can do to make it up to him. I just want to know he loves me.

Just yesterday, I felt we'd worked on some things, and now I just feel so lost. I just want to sit and talk to him, and I still can't. I don't think anything will be resolved until we are physically together, and are able to talk.

I've had this kind of bad feeling, a concern, since shortly after he went home. Since I was talking about getting tested for STD's. He didn't bother to tell me that he went home and got tested. It hurt when I found out, because he didn't tell me. I am glad he got tested, but I felt so dirty. Especially since I told him I was a bit promiscious, and then asked him to get tested. Its not like I didn't get tested, but I felt so horrid, about my life. I hate some of the things I've done. I don't get over them. They still eat away at me. I just don't feel like I understand anything anymore. I feel like a little girl, curled in a corner, crying.

I Give Up

2007-01-14T14:05:00.000-05:00

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to feel. I apparently have no idea how to be a good girlfriend. I've never dated a guy that was more nosy than I was. I've never felt like I'm hiding something. I don't know what to do. I give up.

I don't know what he wants from me. I don't know why he even wants me. I don't know how its ok for me to write things here, and its not ok for me to talk to certain people. I'm not even sure it matters anymore. I'm really depressed about this. Actually no I'm not, I'm just tired about it.

I know I probably shouldn't of hung out with him. But it was innocent. He was across the street from my house. He told me where he was, and I was like.. "oh.. ur right by my house" and he's like "Yeah?" and something was mentioned about stoppin' over.. and i said he could. My daughter was still up. He knows how much I love my bf. And I figured I'd just deck him if he tried anything. I did think of maybe I should say no, don't come over, but we were supposed to meet for coffee sometime anyway.

I can't even finish what I was gonna say here, because I feel like I shouldn't say anything. All I want to do is cry. I'm off to my room to do just such.

Wondering

2007-01-12T16:14:00.000-05:00

I wonder why I feel the way I do. I wonder why he came into my life. I hate feeling like this. I hate his words in my head. Him saying " I'm not good enough for you."

He read my email. Something I've done, to every guy I've dated, if I had half a chance. I guess it only bothers me, because I can't do the same. The email accounts that I can get into, he set up just for me. I want to get in and read the other one. Why? Just because I do.

I got a taste of my own medicine. An innocent email blown out of proportion. I hurt my man, and I didn't purposely do anything. I was feeling sad and lonely and depressed, and I wrote a bulletin on myspace, to try to get my friends to talk to me, without emailing anyone and saying how aweful I felt. And it hurts him. I don't know what to think about the situation.

I stop seeing my guy friends. I stop talking to the ones that were chasing after me.... and here I am alone. I'm alone, and want to be with my man, and I can't be. I sit here waiting. Waiting for him to call. Waiting for an email. Waiting for anything. He controls our relationship, and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to lose him, yet I feel so helpless, and thats not where I want to be.

I feel like he feels that I tell people he's a bad boyfriend, but despite anything that I write online... here, or on myspace or on yahoo... I tell everyone how wonderful he is. I truely feel like he's my missing piece. I was so happy when we were together. I was happy how things were before we met. We talked almost everyday. For a long time. Since he's been home, things are different. Its like well.. . I feel like.. its the whole, he won me over thing, now he doesn't have to try to do anything special for me. Thats not completely true, though, because he's been taking care of me, and helping me reduce some other stressers. I think relationships will always be stressful to me, though. I don't know how to cope. I never have. Its something, I'm just not learning.

I love him, and I have fears. Fears of us not working out, fears of us working out. Both are just as stressful. Is he really the man, that I'm meant to spend my life with? He's handsome, sexy, highly intelligent, and has empathy. He tries to be patient with me. But in the back of my head I have these fears. I wonder why he says some of the things he does to me. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me, then I feel like I'm being attacked for my faults. He told me yesterday that I was selfish and everything is about me. That I don't understand other peoples feelings. I couldn't and still can't understand what he means. I just keep thinking about how selfish I am. How my sister told me the same thing. I keep crying about this. Right now, I'm in tears again. His phone went dead last nite, and he never called back, and I cried myself to sleep. I feel so much pain.

I'm done with myspace. I'm done with hotornot. I'm done with everything. Everything I do, seems to cause drama. The only email I've got from my man, in a long time... says..."I should add a bunch of girls to my myspace page and put up a bulletin saying I am lonely. I wonder how that would go over with you??? " & that really hurts. I don't understand why he would say such hurtful stuff. I know sometimes... I misinterrupt what he's saying.... but its getting ridiculous. I'm tired of all the drama. I'm tired of it all.

Now I want to cry for other reasons. My daughter is happy we are home alone all weekend. I'm indifferent about it. I don't really like being alone. But its been like.. forever since Darian and I were by ourselves. We've almost always lived with someone. I feel more secure. My brother, his girlfriend and his son were visiting and left, my sister, whose been staying with me, went up to have a procedure on her teeth, and my aunt, went up north to visit. My daughter said to me.. "its good mommy, then we have noone to boss us around" I asked her what she meant, and she said my aunt bossed us around alot. I said to her... what about when I boss you around, and she said she didn't care.

It makes me sad that I can't provide a place for her. Her own space. Our own space. All I've wanted is a family, and I don't feel like a family is complete with just me and her. I want a husband. Another child...

I just want to be happy. I know a man can't bring me that. I know its something I find on my own, but I really want to spend more time with my man, and see where it leads. I'm just afraid, that I'm only going to hurt him. I'm afraid I'm going to be hurt. I'm afraid he's never going to understand my issues & that I'll never understand him. I'm afraid my thoughts of jealousy will break us apart. I'm afraid we aren't going to make it. I'm afraid, that maybe its the wrong time for us. I'm afraid, maybe I'm the one not ready for commitment, I'm afraid, maybe he isn't ready for what I bring.... I'm afraid his job will be too much for me. I'm upset because I think these things. I'm upset because I'm so needy. I'm upset because I feel like he doesn't tell me enough about his life. I feel like he never answers my questions. I am upset because I feel like I'm not being listened to. I feel like alot of things are one sided.

I know he's trying to call more, but my concerns still are never resolved. I never know how to bring them up. I'm more able to communicate online, and all of this is really hard for me. I think the hardest part, is just not knowing. I feel like I don't know anything. I can't call and get ahold of him. I never know when he's going to call. I never know if he's home or working. And when he does forget to call, he doesn't even say anything about it. I guess sometimes I just want an acknowledgement of saying he'd do something and not do it. He comes thru for me on everything else. I want to see him. I just want to fly out there and be with him. I want to see him, and his life. Thing is, I wouldn't even care if he was at work most the time, because I just need a vacation, period. These people here are driving me insane.

I want to understand what he wants. He says he just needs my love, but I know he needs more. Whether or not, he realizes that, I'm not sure. I do love him. I just am such a mess mentally and emotionally... I don't expect anyone to deal with me. I can't even deal with me.

Lately my old thoughts of suicide and self harm come. I can't get rid of them completely. I'm coping with the thoughts in my mind, but I almost checked myself in. I just get so tired of trying to live, and not getting anywhere.

I'm lost....

2007-01-04T15:19:00.000-05:00

I'm so lost, so sad, so angry.
For so many reasons.

I'm scared I'm going to lose him.
I'm anxious 24/7.
I've had a migraine for 3 weeks almost.
Today is the first speck of relief I've had.

I miss him. I'm upset because he isn't calling back when he says he is. I'm more upset because he acts like its only been two seconds since we talked. Not that he disappeared for over 24 hours. That is what upsets me. Instead of saying... "oh honey, I'm sorry, I did this or that or whatever!"

I understand he's busy. But I can't understand broken promises persay. When you say your going to call someone you call them. If it happens on occassion, fine it happens. But every time? Please!

He's probably going to read this and be like, I don't know, worried about me or something, but maybe thst's why I chose to write it here.

I'm so lonely. I can't stand this. I have nothing. I know or I wish I had school to go back to... but I don't. I don't talk to the guys I used to on the phone. Partly because I know it can lead to trouble, but partly out of respect for him, and that I wouldn't like him talking to chics, so i give him the same curtesy. But I don't think he realizes how much I've changed my behaviours for him. For US! Sometimes I think he thinks I'm playing him. I don't get it.

I get people telling me every day. He's playing you. He's this or he's that. When there would be no reason for it. He hasn't got anything from me. Well he has my love, and if he's playing me for that, thats sick and cruel. I don't believe he is, but when I hear things like today, I get really really upset.

We barely talked, and when I finally spoke up and said I was upset. He said... " Yeah, I'm not good enough for you!" And I didn't know what to say. When I tried to say something, the phone disconnected again, for like the 3rd time. I think he kept calling me back like 4 or 5 times. I guess he gave up. He needs to get his phone fixed or something. How are we supposed to have a relationship?

I got so upset with my sister. I told her, finally what he said that really upset me, and she assured me he was a busy man, but then was like, "we all know how long distance relationships turn out." Apparently bad. I don't feel this one should be this way, but right now I'm lost, and scared, and I don't know what I'm feeling. I just want to know that I'm loved, and I don't feel it right now.

I WISH

2006-12-13T01:06:00.000-05:00

I really wish people could just shut up and be happy for me. Instead they have to run their mouths. I'm not a child. I know what I'm doing and what I'm getting myself into. I know the consequences, if he's not being real with me.

I never met a man like him before. He makes me smile and laugh when I'm miserable. He genuinely cares. He touches me how I've only dreamt of being touched. He doesn't ask for anything in return. I feel a bit selfish, he's done more for me, than I have for him. I tell him something and he listens. He doesn't believe in secrets between partners. All the big things I can think of, we both agree on...

I still have communication problems, I know that won't change overnight, but he's patient with me, and that makes me want to open up. He doesn't judge me, but he tells me how he thinks or feels about a situation.

I've finally met a man, that cares about me just as much as I care about him, and is willing to come to me, and show me he cares. I've been with so many men, that I felt resentful, because I felt like it was only me that wanted the relationship. It was only me that was spending money to see them... And I met this guy now and he can't wait to see me and he lives on the other side of the country. For years, he wasn't even in this country.

I love him. I truely do. People can say its too soon. That I'm getting ahead of myself. They can tell me I'm crazy. But I say to them, "Shut the fuck up, just be happy for me!!!" I haven't had any hopes or dreams for myself for so long. This isn't just about him. His positiveness has rubbed on me... And regardless of whether him and I work out, I hope I can keep this positive attitude. I still have so much to be depressed about, and as I sit here almost in tears, I am thankful for all that I have to be happy for.

I am thankful for the most wonderful daughter in the world. I'm thankful for my sister to be here. I'm thankful, I do have somewhere to live right now. I'm thankful for all my friends and family that do love me. I'm thankful to be breathing right now, and not struggling for a breath. I'm thankful to have Dan in my life. I'm thankful he's come at a time when I need him. I hope that I can only show him as much love as he shows me.

I pray right now, that today will be a better day than yesterday, and that regardless of the trials I'm put thru, I'll try not to loose faith in myself,and my hopes for my future, and for my family.

Together

2006-10-23T01:43:00.000-04:00

Chris and I are back together, as of 11:07pm on the 22nd of October. He didn't want to let me back in because he didn't want me to run away again. And I wanted a commitment, so I wouldn't get pulled away from him.

Despite us being.... "not together" we still had talked every day, fought, and sometimes even console each other. There is so much we have to work out, if we really want this to work out though. I'm scared.

I can't say I regret breaking up with him. We both learned some lessons from it, We are both trying to communicate more effectively.

I just hope I've made the right choice. I don't know how we are going to do this.

Guilt

2006-10-08T20:16:00.000-04:00

I sit here now, and feel guilty. Should I?
He's at Max's right now, waiting for her. Her. The Her that doesn't exist.
As soon as "CARESA" came alone, he ditched his plans with me, saying he had prior plans with his "buddies". Then I found out about her, he had some story for that too. Then he tells "CARESA" that he has Friday off, and tells me some stupid ass story. He tells "CARESA" that his friends got him drunk and he partied on both Wednesday & Friday, to kind of show off. Tells her, that he is free all day on Sunday. Also tells her, when talking about his job " work a lot, but getting time off isn't usually hard" It's like he's two different people. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, because I think he's a liar. I am crazy, for even involving myself with him.

He changed his passwords, and thinks I don't know who he writes to, or what about. He thinks I'm this crazy bitch. I would of married him like that, just liked that. Probably still would, if there were no more lies.

I don't understand why I keep meeting these guys that have problems just telling the truth. What did I do? Why do I have to sit here alone, crying. I'm a beautiful woman. All I want right now is to be held.

I want to meet a nice man, that tells me the truth. A man that will take me out to dinner, or make me something at home. One that knows I'm something precious, and will not hide anything from me.

I've been in a lot of relationships where I could care less about their email, or this or that..., but when you want to hide it, the more I want to see it.

I don't know how to get away from this, except, to get away from the internet again.

Today

2006-10-08T19:55:00.000-04:00

I want things to be a certain way. In a way, they are. I sit here and wonder what C. is doing and who he's doing it with. Little does he know, his date won't show up. I'm an evil bitch. Fuck with me, and I'll fuck back. I didn't want to hurt him, but I know at some point he will read this and he will know, he'll know something.

I sat and tried to read some blogs, some old blogs, This goes back quite a few years. My life is sad, very sad. I've never lived my own life. I always was able to live it thru others, and don't know what to do now.

Please save me.
Set me free.
Give me life.
Give me Liberty.

Give me Hope,
its what I need,

Take away my sorrows,
Take away my pain,
Take away the thoughts,
and all the self harm.

Let me be a better person,
Let me see past the lies,
Let me see the truth,
Let me know he's tried.

Now

2006-10-06T21:49:00.000-04:00

Now I seem to have to move my blog, because I don't want him reading it, its only fair he can put up comments, but wtf, why lie to me again. Why?

And what the fuck does any of this matter. I could die tommorrow. I could die Tuesday, so could you, so could anyone....

I really hope this DBT stuff helps, because this is the only thing I have left to hope for... the only thing... and the hope, I wouldn't really say its hope... Its a conscience, a guilt, that people try to trip me on, because I have a kid. FUCK THEM, and FUCK YOU, if you don't feel I have a right to die. I have nothing to live for. Not now....
I haven't for a long time.

HIM

2006-10-05T14:26:00.000-04:00

Its been over for a few weeks, and he thinks he's so slick. He decides its over, says he's talked to his "DR", and that it was now a lost cause... even after last nite, he still wasn't getting it.

I kept telling him, our love, and our both wanting a family wasn't enough to stay together.... but he wouldn't let go. It took a girl sending him naked pics, and me snooping in his email to get him to do it. I asked him for months to change his password. I told him of my snooping past. Its an addiction to me. Only I'm sure she said more to him, than he says... and I'm sure that it was more than him just talking to his Dr... to get him to change his password.

I hate liars. But I love him.

People are so stupid

2006-09-29T23:08:00.000-04:00

I don't know if my family has found out about this(this blog), and at this point I don't care. Its not just about them. Its about a man in my life, and other people who consider themselves my friends.

Apparently, my cousins have been reading my blog, and my mom. But my cousins have to tell everyone my business. I mean its out there... so its my own doing, but why do you have to talk. Keep what you read to yourself. Or reach out to me. I'm the one that needs to know you care. You only piss me off by telling everyone else.

And if you really love me and want to be with me, show me. This man, I know he loves me, and he knows who he is. But I know in my heart, we will be miserable together. We have nothing in common and he's always on my nerves. It doesn't mean I don't love him. But since we broke up. I wanted to, he finally agreed, he has new "friends" on myspace.. and is putting up comments on that girls page. She puts up half naked comments... and he drools over her. That hurts... especially since he's saying.. I want "US" back...

I wish he'd just go... and go with those girls sometimes.. and leave me alone. I can't stand him drooling over them, and so publicly.

I feel like noone cares. I feel like noone understands. I'm so depressed, and at this moment I could care less if I take another breath.

I give up

2006-09-18T22:52:00.000-04:00

I can't trust anyone. I feel like noone cares.... I'm at a loss.

I went to this place called SAM today, that was a waste of time, because I do have insurance. SAM got on line with my insurance, and my insurance said I was discharged because I no longer needed partial hospitalization services, and the hospital told me... Wednesday it was because of my insurance.

I get told by this girl in group... that rumors are around I just do it for attention.... and she apparently talks to this guy I talk to in group, and has talked to him about me. ANother girl, really thinks its attention, but something was said, and one of the the therapists said... "oh, she's a special case"....

WTF..... Now I'm paranoid.. and suicidal...
I broke up with my boyfriend... only I don't think anything has changed. Only he's sad. I still love him the same, I'm just not jealous.

I wish someone would just slap me.. or I keep thinking of cutting myself... because I can handle that pain.... I just can't handle this pain.

Someone please help me. Am I that bad, that noone wants to help me. Am I that horrible...what did I do that was so wrong. Why is this other girl talking about me, and why am I feeling bad about what she's saying.... Why am I distrustful to this guy I've been talking to..... Is he talking to her about me... what is he saying?

He was just talking to me.. about how he's paranoid his old friends talk about him.. and now.. here I am.. feeling the same way...

I hate myself. I hate my life. I don't want to live right now.
If I'm meant to live, please help me get thru this.

8:55PM

2006-09-18T13:05:00.000-04:00

The discussion again of us breaking up. It was made, by 8:55pm, last night, all was quiet, and at 9:00PM exactly the phone was hung up.

He finally, allowed me to allow us to break up. Maybe not the best decision, but I know in the end and it can't make it any worse. I'm struggling with so much right now. US... isn't even on my mind right now. Its just easier to type about this, than the shit I'm going thru trying to get help with my mental health.

I want help, and noone will help me. Noone can deal with me...

Noone said it better than Nirvana, " I hate myself and want to die...."

Decisions

2006-09-17T18:25:00.000-04:00

My boi and I are at a point where I have a decision to make....and its all up to me... I don't understand why it has to be that way.

He's lied to me, I spy on him.... We have major trust issues. Things won't change... and he tells me he's not going to change unless I can definititively tell me that I want him.

I want him, on my terms, and I know it can't be that way.... so I guess I already know what my decision is, only I want to wait and see if he follows thru with coming to see me...

Will he?
Will he even bother... has he even tried to get a day off?

Life

2006-09-03T19:13:00.000-04:00

Things suck.
Just as usual.
The meds make me a zombie for the most part. I can't think. I can't remember. In bed, I fall asleep and wake up without relizing it. I finally took a shower yesterday and went to a movie with my friend, I found a gummy vitamin in my hair. How does that happen?

I woke up once on my stomache with my cell under me. I wake up with my cell by my ear and noone there, briefly remembering a conversation with Chris. I thought Chris wanted to talk, and he calls me and asks me what did I want to talk about....

I'm like huh?

I'm confused and disorientated. I just want it to all stop. Luckily, I barely have energy to answer the phone... let alone do something suicidal.

Chris says he called my group. I think he's lying to me again. Otherwise he'd have more to say about it. I think he lies to me about alot of stuff.... although I do know he loves me and wants me to get well, but I doubt he's even trying to get his friends to understand. I'd rather have him drop me.... than loose his friends.

I'm not worth it. I gave up on myself and us a long time ago.

I'm going to go attempt a shower... I feel so weak.

Today

2006-08-27T19:45:00.000-04:00

Today is the day I want to die.

This is for more reasons than I can begin to list.

The day wasn't that bad either. My boyfriend had sex with me for the first time in over a month, cooked me dinner.... and was playful with me.

I cheated on him last nite. I kissed my ex. I feel guilt, but probably not what I should. I realized so many things i want... that I will never have.

Every man I've been with has had one or two of those qualities... that I want.

I'm tired of things being ok for just a bit. Right now I'm still so angry about so much. I'm trying to let it go, so that the last day I'm around is enjoyable. Think it will work. I hope so.

Almost didn't care....

2006-07-22T01:45:00.000-04:00

My boyfriend just told me, again, for the second time in two weeks, if I did... (something) again... he'd break up with me...

The first time was.. if I ever screamed/went off on him.. he'd break up with me... ok, I understand... but that is impossible for me... We made up a few days later, he said he was sorry he scared me.... and he said it because he was mad... ok, again.... I understand...

But tonite.. well I admitted to him, I'd been, as he calls "spying" on him. And yes, since he considers it spying, I shouldn't do it... but its just how I am... Well he told me, this is in my ball park. He said he was so mad already , he almost did break up with me. In my head I'm thinking, just do it and get it over with. I didn't have a tear in my eye. So he's saying, its in my ballpark, if we have this discussion again about me snooping in his email, or his phone account.. again.. that it won't be a discussion, it will be over. I was about to be like ok. And say, oh btw I'm reading your email now, just break up with me. I'd rather have it over with. Then I can go back to reality.

He asks me if I just don't trust him or I can't trust him. He says if I can't trust him, it might as well be over. I'm still in my head thinking... just do it now. I don't need this... why are we even together.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of not trusting him. I'm tired of being sad because we are fighting. I'm tired of wondering when I'll do something, and he'll walk out. I'm tired of wondering if we would be happy. I'm tired of wondering if we would be good together. I'm tired of thinking I should just walk out now, pain or no pain, set back or no set back. I'm tired of wondering if we are staying together because we are both lonely. I'm tired of wondering even why we are together....

At this point does it really matter. I think we are both wasting our time. Now is this me speaking or my depression?

How can you?

2006-07-20T19:49:00.000-04:00

How can you tell someone you think they are lying to you, when you are doing somethign you really aren't supposed to do. I guess you could say I'm a bit deceiteful, but I don't do it to hurt anyone. I do it cuz I'm nosy.

I am very upset right now, because I think I'm being lied to. If I confront the person, I have to admit something I know that they won't like. I have to admit, I'm nosing into their things again.

Which is worse? Is it ok to let the lie go?

Will You Marry Me?

2006-07-17T00:27:00.000-04:00

I asked him this. His reply: "YES" I tell him to quit teasing, he says he's not, he said he'd marry me, but he wants to do it the right way, in front of friends and family. I tell him he's crazy and drunk. He replies that he's not drunk. He's only had three beers and a bloody mary.

I've been in a high mood for a few days. Since Friday nite to be exact. Since I hung with my friend, since I got high. I've been physically not so great, but not wanting to kill myself or anyone else, you know.

All me and him have done for a few weeks now is fight. We faught today, I was just trying to mess with him about not coming up here, and it turned to an arguement, and him getting upset and wanting to push me away. He and I both know, he's not coming up here to visit. If he ever showed up here, i'd drop dead. Right now he doesn't even know where I live...b ut thats beside the point.

Thru our argueing, he told me Friday, he wanted me and Dare to come down there.. and he wanted to take care of us, and he really wishes he could, but he can't. I understand that. I never knew he felt that way before though. It hit me hard. All this time, I thought I was fucked up for wanting that...and not being able to say it.

My depression is overrunning me.. taking me over, and making me forget about the good stuff. All it made me think of was all the arguements we had. All the stupid stuff.

Right now I just want to cry..... I'm so scared of living.. i'm so scared of life. It hurts so bad.

I just have to keep reminding myself. Anything thats worth anything, is never easy to get.....

Its always going to be hard, but it will be worth it.

How do you??

2006-07-13T19:28:00.000-04:00

How do you talk to an angel?
Nah... it really has nothing to do with that, but I have that song stuck in my head.
How do you know what reality is, when you suffer from depression? Cuz I'm stuck and lost right now.

I've met a totally great guy, only, I want to run away. Sometimes because I'm scared, sometimes because I'm mad, sometimes, because I want more.

Usually for me, I fall head over heels... with him, I did not. I really liked him, I loved talking to him, I loved his holding me, his kisses, the time he gave me... I wasn't in love with him. Shortly before we made love, I started having those, I wanna run away to Vegas feelings.... We made love, and now... its like we are an old married couple. But we fight, all the time, about stupid stuff.

I feel like its all my fault. I'm needy, I'm insecure, I'm upset, I'm this, I'm that.
When I'm with him, I want to be the center of attention, not the porn, or the computer, or the baseball game, or his friends, or the funny show on tv, I WANT TO BE. I really honestly don't see why this is wrong. If I was with him everyday, yeah that would be a major problem, but I'm not, and when I'm there, I'm stuck. I'm not at home, and I'm stuck, in this place, and the man I'm in love with, seems to care less, he continues his life, just like I am not there.

I keep thinking, we should just let go now, but then I wonder if thats the depression talking. I want romance. I know I'll never get it with him. I'm not even bringing up that conversation. We've never really went on a date. We never do anything special. He barely even comments on my page, or emails me.... (which I find romantic). I feel like I'd have better luck if I was a porn star or a baseball, at least he'd look at me.

I feel he has no desire for me... and my opinion on that, doesn't have to do with me being insecure...

Just like I always say... I got him, but... I want more.
Makes me feel stupid, because I keep wondering, how long before I lose the best thing I have.... ever had.

Drama & Thoughts on My Future

2006-06-26T23:28:00.000-04:00

I had a little drama at my boyfriends. I was cranky all weekend, had PMS, and got irritated by incompetent McDonald's workers. I got back to his place and my Mt Dew was moving and it really upset me because there were two open bottles in the door and one of them was not mine. Me and my germ thing. I hate it. I don't know how to get over it though.

Well that and i'm having doubts about me and Chris's compatibility. I haven't shared this with him, because I feel like he's really needing me to be strong. I feel like he has doubts, I will stay with him. My problem is that of one where I need to know that he has motivation to do something with his life. I feel like he's stuck in a rut... and doesn't know what to do. He always tells me he is lazy, and i'd like to believe that isn't true. If he has no motivation... its not something I can deal with... Although I can take care of myself, to a degree, I want a man that wants to take care of me. Maybe that is selfish, but its something I need. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I'm tired of struggling, and i know it will take time, but I believe if we work together we can do it.

Again, I just worry. I asked him what he wanted in his life, and he didn't really answer me.

Plus he scared me a bit. I had an idea of when I met him, he could be needy. Lately he has been alot, and its not a bad thing, because I'm needy too. Its just, as much as I want a family, and i love him, and want that to happen, it still is scary. To find a man that truely wants to marry me. I know we've barely been together two months, and we can drive each other crazy. At the end of the night, we still love each other, can hold each other and talk about it.

IT really is great. He told me this weekend, about how again he felt about marriage we were talking, and I was like, "yeah I know after you are 30", and also said " I told you its ok, because as long as i know you love me, and want to build a life with me, I can wait, although I won't exactly be happy with it" He replied, that I may not have to wait. When the time comes, it can happen, and we don't have to wait... he said, its just he's always been scared, and that is why he always said that. He said he knew I was the one he wanted to spend his life with. It scares me, because I know he has to have some doubts, It scares me because he always thinks I'm going to leave him. I wish I could erase those doubts, I would. I'd marry him tommorrow if he wanted. I'm still not sure he'd be 100% positive I'd stay with him after that. I would. I don't ever want to divorce...

I know there is no reason to rush things, but i want nothing more than to spend my nites with him, and wake with him in the morning, despite the fact that his morning ritual drives me crazy. He turns on the tv, and watches sports/news. Noise in the morning makes me wanna scream and kill someone. So hopefully, we can come to some sort of compromise... like shit I don't fucking know. But we will figure it out. I don't think its something I can get used to though. Maybe wireless head phones.. lol

I miss him already. I was sad to drop him at work today. I wanted nothing more to lay in bed with him all day, and hold him in my arms. Its so hard for me to believe I make him so happy. But he says I do. I must believe that.

Shoot....

2006-06-19T22:25:00.000-04:00

Apparently money= worth
self worth apparently... because whenever I don't have enough money, I feel worthless. I feel like shit. I wish I could die to escape the pain.

Here's the situation, I have about 300 dollars, I can
A. Give it to my aunt
B. Get my car insured and get it back on the road
C. Buy a gun

None are what I want to spend the money on. None are something that are going to matter, for the most part (unless I do something with the gun) in ten years.

We are in a hole, and apparently its my job to shovel the shit, and everything is my fault.

Thing is, in reality it is. I want an escape. The hole is too deep to get out of. I just want to leave. I have no more choices.

If I don't have a car in two weeks, I'll loose my job. If I don't have a job we are screwed regardless.

So fuck it. FUCK YOU WORLD. YOU cold heartless world. I hate you, and I hate me, and I hate being here...

Sad part is... I haven't felt suicidal for probably at least a week or so... and now, all because I get paid. I hate payday.... I hate money. I hate life. I hate my life... the life I don't really live.

Fathers Day

2006-06-18T14:24:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling kind of shitty, because of being alone. I hate the days when I'd rather be anywhere else. I'd rather be with my friends, or with my boyfriend and his friends. I'd rather be at work, at least in the building than just sitting here. Yeah I get to use the internet, and watch tv.... but its not the same.

I'm feeling really stupid right now. Chris and I were talking about relationships and about "her" and I told him it was ignorant that she kept doing the same thing over and over again, and didn't learn anything from it. This is in regards to guys using her for sex. She went all the way to NC, for some creep, and still hasn't learned a lesson, nor with the 5 kids she has, and that she take care of all on her own. It got me to thinking...

Chris and I wouldn't be together if I didn't give him a chance, he told me and tells me the things I want to hear. Is it just another trick. Is this going to end up the same. I sit here, almost in tears thinking about it.

Partly because I said something to him, via text that I shouldn't have said. I said... "think, a decade from now, you'll celebrate Father's Day.."

I said this thinking that, hopefully in a decade we'd be married, settled down, and have a kid.. and that would be our reason, for celebrating..... thinking that a decade wasn't moving too fast.

The thing is, though, just thinking these thoughts, is moving too fast, and I wonder what I've got myself into again. I'm having some doubts now. I don't know what to do. I freak out cuz he responds to me.... " Why do you say that?"

I don't know why he would say that. He's talked about wanting to be together for a long time, hoping we are together forever. But I think, I'm just getting things wrong again. As different as it feels than any other relationship I've been in. I feel like I'm right back where I started. How does this make things better, it doesn't. How do I know its different? Its not. Its the same as before... I take things out of context, knowing that men say things to make women feel good, and Chris does that for me... only now I don't feel its real.

I'm feeling indifferent. I wanted him, and I don't regret that, but I should of done things differently. Again. I fucked up.

I know part of me just feels this way because I'm feeling a bit depressed, and I hope thats the only reason I feel this way.

Jealousy

2006-06-07T23:10:00.000-04:00

I hate that I get so jealous.

The thing that bugs me worse, and my ex knows about this, cuz I did it to him on hotornot. I put up a fake profile.

I know it was wrong.

I keep wanting to do that on MySpace to see if my boyfriend will fall for it. I won't but I'm still tempted to. Its driving me crazy. And its not his fault at all. Its all my ex's that fucked with me, and played games, and cheated on me.

I just don't understand how my boyfriend didn't see that it wasn't appropriate, he fucking emailed her about it, and they were talking about the comments, basically his friend thought "he might get in trouble..." I take that to mean, "better watch out, your gf might get mad/jealouse/pissed" and apparently he didnt.

I dunno, I don't know why I let this shit eat me up.

Just like that other girl, the one that hates me... for many reasons, but one because I stole, JW from her, and then Chris... She set me up with JW, things didn't work out, and me and Chris hit it off.... She was playing games with him. He knows, and I think it annoys him, but he's still friends with her. I hate it because I'm jealous, and I know he wanted her, sexually and otherwise... and that she is attracted to him. She's a player though. I know he wanted to meet her. I know he thought about having sex with her. It makes me sick.

Yes, she is a half way decent looking girl, but me, I guess, being me, find it totally disgusting that she's such a slut. It makes me feel disgusting to fuck someone whose had so much dick in her.

Guys think differently though.

So thats why I'm me.....

I am me, take that as you will.

The EMAIL

2006-06-07T22:58:00.000-04:00

Hi Julie:

Hope you are doing good. How is your World "Darien" doing , i Hope she is doing wonderful. Anything new or exicting happening.. ??

My job is going Ok. Same old .. same Old.. nothing new or exciting ... Well wait anything exicting or new.. Let me think ?? How can there be anything new or exciting when you are NOT with me... nor even Online. You are all the Fun and Exicting things for me :) At times I really Really Really Miss talking to you. That is one of the reason why I don't come online any more. Knowing that you are not gonna be there.. then whats the point in going online.

As far as my work.. things are Ok. Eric is OK. he keeps me busy at times, invites me to his place and we talk. I must have told you about this.. that Steve a Friend from GYM, his brother owns a Dealership.. he wants me to work there part time. He feels my Sexy looks would bring more business to them. He also said , he would route all the Female customers to me ;) Its very tempting job , can you imagine all the ... yeah ALL The Female customers will be Mine. Well but unfortunately there won't be the "One Female" whom i would want to be.... she will be in reading PA. So I am gonna decline the job offer. I wish My Cute Awesome, Breath Taking, Gorgeous , Beautiful, Stunning, Always Smiling, Sizzling, Sparking Marvellous Julie would be my Customer :)

How is your family(Aunt and uncle) doing ? At times I just admire your pictures for hours and hours. Specially the ones which you had sent me recently.. of you and your little one. I just miss our old days of chatting. I Just wish you had more time to chat. You are the ONLY Friend I have on the internet with whom I am soo Free , honest and Comfortable. Even my Mother was asking about you few times, like what happen to your "Best Internet Friend Julie". She calls you "Smiling Julie" cause whenever I take your name.. she sees a Smile on my face, and My mom feels happy to see Smile on my face. hence your name "Smiling Julie" cause you make me Smile. Its still a dream and a fantasy for me to visit you in the Farm while you are working on the field. Gosh it would be soo much fun to see you in a Short Summer dress working in a barn or field.. and I will just surprise you from back and kiss you. The LONGEST Kiss I WOULD EVER Have with anyone :) I guess if Not the Farm.. then maybe the McDonald Food store... while you are serving the "Drive-in Window Customers" I would just appear from back and Hold you .. and never let you ...

Well Do reply me love...
-Your Cute, Lonely Handsome Friend

Weird Email....

2006-06-07T22:28:00.000-04:00

I get a weird email, out of the blue. On my msn email. I never check it, so its like... "GOOD LUCK" to anyone that sends something there.

So I get this email, from a guy I talked to about 3 years ago or more, everyone once in a while. We had some good conversations, and I thought I might date him at a point. We lost contact for a while, then after I moved to Reading, I talked to him and found out he lives in this area. He pretty much refused to meet me... because he was so "busy"...

In the meantime... he acted a little wierd and obsessed... here he tells me he's my only internet friend, and he misses me, and pretty much only has eyes for me, and apparently told him mom about me... etc..

I'm dumbfounded, and a little freaked out, but thats the least of my problems.

Ahhhh...

My day:

I go to therapy, things go good..

I come home...

Very upset about some comments on MySpace that my boyfriend left on a girls page. "An internet friend", it wouldn't bother me so much, but they met in person, and have made out before.(which btw she told me and not him- I asked him who she was, and he said.. "an internet friend" I emailed her, before I asked him about her, cuz she commented on our pic, and she said, yeah we met.. etc..etc..) I thought I was ok with it. We talked it out...

I went to work, I was there an hour and talked to a lady who had anxiety disorder or something and she was yelling and screaming at me, that isn't the part that bothered me. I was trying to calm her down and it wasn't working... I said something to the effect that although, she may not think I have any idea of how she feels, that I did, and that I was going to get this problem staightened out, and that nothing was wrong with her credit card.

She finally calmed down, and was real nice. She talked really religious though, but told me things, like I was a good soul and she understood I'd been thru alot in my life, and its not something I should of been subject to. She told me she could feel my pain. I almost started bawling two to three times just on the phone with her. After 24 minutes, and the phone clicked to hang up... after her offering her phone number and asking me to call if I needed to talk to her. After apoligizing profusely about being so rude and yelling. As soon as that phone clicked, I started bawling, my heart raced, and I wanted to run.

I couldn't get over that feeling. I talked to my friend, and called my boyfriend, and I couldn't stop feeling anxious... I felt really anxious, until I was almost home.

Still now, I feel anxiety. My anxiety now, is more about my relationship. I want to trust him, and i do, but that really fucks me off. It wouldn't of been so bad, but we talked a few weeks ago, and he told a friend of his, one that doesn't like me, that her new hair cut looked "sexy"... I told him it bothered me. He said he was sorry, and I let it go.... But when I see this, from someone he was involved with, not too long ago, and saying things in reference to kissing, and liking her cleavage and sex. It really fucked me off.

I really thought I had dealt with it this morning... but I don't think I really did. I snooped again, in his email, which I know pisses him off. But I found emails back and forth to him and her.. and the last one, references the comments he left her.... and she said... something like.... Oh, that last comment you left will give you trouble... and he said back.. " I doubt it"

He's appoligized. I believe he is sorry, but I don't know why he would flirt with a girl like that, if he really wasn't interested in her anymore. I don't have a problem with him being friends with anyone, but there are things I do and don't find acceptable.. and that is one of the things I don't.

I told him, yes I do tell my ex's and my friends I love them, because I do... and sometimes I talk about the good old days, good sex, or other things that happened...

But I don't make sexual comments on a public photo on myspace or anywhere. I wouldn't want anyone to think i'm not loyal to my boyfriend. Because i'm a loyal girl, he is my number 1!! He's the guy I think about, and care about, and put as my priority.

I guess one more reason it bothers me, is cuz when we are talking or whatever, at nite, he's distracted alot. I know he has friends, and I want him to email them, etc... but I'd rather him say... to me, that he wants some time to do things for himself. I'd rather him let me go, and go do some things for himself, rather than try to give me attention, and being distracted.

When he gets distracted and I have to repeat myself, it makes me feel like shit. I feel like I'm not worth the time, to take the time, to just give me attention.

I love him, and I know he loves me, I just didn't even want to talk to him about any of this because he's going thru alot right now, and he doesn't need me bringing it up right now. I don't want him to think I'm going to walk out, like everyone else has, because I won't. I love him, and this is something stupid.

Its just, that it does make me wonder about trust. It makes me suspicious. I have faith we will get thru this though.

My Life

2006-06-05T22:11:00.000-04:00

Stressed out...
Crying...

Crying about my car. Most of the night, since I got off of work. I don't know why its getting to me so bad today. I just want to stop crying.

I had a great day with my boyfriend yesterday... it was the most awesome thing in the world. Little by little I was falling for him, and yesterday... was so wonderful. I've got that head over heels love feeling in my heart. We've been together a month now, I can't believe that either.

I met his friends yesterday, that was good too.

My best friend just called, so I kind of am calming down. I'm just really upset that I got so upset, over a stupid fucking car.

I still can't figure out what to do.

I'll just listen to Chris, and what he says... "things will work out..." And they usually do.

Things

2006-05-31T15:05:00.000-04:00

Things seem to be ok. Work is ok. Home is ok, but I just got paid, so there in lies a problem. I'm not worrying about that yet. I'll wait till after I call the bank here in a few minutes... lol

I just feel really lucky to have met Chris. He's brought alot into my life, in the short time I've known him. We've been dating almost a month, talking on the phone about 5-6 weeks, and I believe we starting chatting in March. He doesn't put up with my shit. He doesn't let me get away with my saying "I don't want to talk about it!"
He told me last nite, that he'd hang up on me if I didn't talk about it. I didn't want to feel that.

I get real nervous, about things, my anxiety is so high. The meds so far haven't helped much.

I gotta get back to work.

I'm LUCKY

2006-05-30T22:31:00.000-04:00

I honestly do feel lucky. I have a really great boyfriend, and he doesn't give himself credit for alot of it. I don't know yet, if he's trying to be modest, or whether he doesn't believe in himself.

Regardless, he's the best boyfriend I've had. Respectful, loving, understanding, committed, reassuring, gentle, and a million plus one other things... I could list all day. He's the one thing, besides my daughter & my blankie, that actually comforts me. His sweet voice, picturing his smile on the other side of the phone. Hearing him laugh. It brings joy to my world. He's always there to listen to me, whether I'm bitching, complaining, hurting, or even happy or joyful.

He means the world to me. I honestly don't think I'm too attached. I wonder if he wonders how I feel, because I joke about marriage. Thing is, he knows that is where I want this to go at some point, and I'm pretty sure that is what he's hoping for. Only time will tell. I honestly believe communication is the key. Its something, I really am trying at, but I really have alot to work on.

I hope he can stick with me thru this rough time, because I know things will get better.

I love him. With all my heart. He truely is the best.

FROM MYSPACE

2006-05-30T21:26:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, May 30, 2006
8:17AM

One Last Time
Current mood: optimistic

Its come to my attention, that people read my blog, and take me the wrong way.

I've been called a pyscho more than once. This isn't a label that I'm willing to live with.

Yes, I have borderling personality disorder, I'm bipolar, I have abandonment issues & and am insecure at times.

My blog is my venting place. I started using MySpace as my blog because I'm here so often.

No longer will this be. My friends, the ones that know me, and won't judge me are the only ones that need to read my blog, noone else.

So if you think you are close enough to me, that you think you should be able to read about my life, ask me.

I started my orginal blog, because I wanted to write a book about my life. That is still my intentions. But, I will be working on my poetry first.

So, as for really personally stuff, it won't be posted here any longer. But don't get me wrong I will still post things here, just not my rantings, and thoughts about how to deal with my own life.

Its not something I like people to have the wrong impression about me.

I'm a nice girl. I'm intelligent, and I want people to see that first, before they see all my problems.

Its just my problems are whats up front in my life. I've been working really hard to get the demons out, so I can move on, and have a happy life. This is something I will do, just my emotions get the best of me. Right now, I'm just happy to have friends, to support me. The best one at this point, is my boyfriend. He's very supportive and loving, and despite, my jealousy, he's sweet and kind to me, and understands that I'm going thru alot. He's helped me stay strong this last month. He's been a stable source of support.
------------------------------------------------------------

COMMENTS

I'm sorry that people are judging you by your posts. Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest and posting here seems to be a good place if it weren't for the assholes who want to judge you.

Posted by Steve on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 10:48AM

----------------------------------------------------------

Jae Ann

Its not just that, and its ok. Everyone will judge at times. I've discussed this with a few close friends, and they as well said, that some of the things I write about are off the wall, but they know me, and know how I am in real life & how much my blog helps me.

I wouldn't exactly call them assholes, because I realize I judge people at times, although I try not to. I just realized if I want my thoughts to stay a bit private, that I can do that, and that MySpace doesn't have to be my outlet.

I've been blogging for years, this past year, is probably had the most views, because I don't use my regular site to post.

My blog will still exist just not here.

Posted by Jae Ann on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 8:26 PM

---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------

Clarification
Current mood: content
Category: Blogging
8:14AM

The last post was actually correct. I don't "HATE" any of those things. They are just things I don't like. I don't really "HATE" anything. HATE is a strong word, and there is not much I can honestly say I hate.

One thing I can say, honestly is that I hate ignorance and prejustice.

-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------

Things I hate.... to be continued...
Current mood: cranky
5:18PM

I hate....

When I see comments where my boyfriend refers to another girl as sexy.

That he never comments on my blog, on the phone or here.

That he thinks I should be scared and run away...

That he always looks at sexy skinny women on the net...

That he always tells me I'm not fat, and always complains about his beer belly.

That I never get to see him.

That I wish I could.

That I always want him.

That I really don't know that much about him.

I hate that I'm so jealous.

I hate that I'm so needy.

I hate that I'm always trying to put people away.

I hate that I get attached really easily.

I hate the way I feel about a conversation me and Chris had last nite.

I hate people that won't shut up about me.

I hate co-workers that complain.

I hate people that are secretive and/or uncaring.

I hate my daughter's father.

I hate having to be responsible.

I hate doctors.

I hate sweet pickles.

I hate this messy house.

I hate that my skin is burnt, and my wrist hurts.

I hate stupid people.

I hate cocky people.

I hate when people put stupid bumper stickers all over their cars.

I hate people who don't know how to drive.

I hate people that lie to me.

I hate people that lie to themselves.

I hate being tired.

I hate feeling irritated and grumpy.

I hate PMS, & periods.

I hate birth control pills.

I hate condoms.

I hate medications.

I hate insurance companies.

I hate Verizon.

I hate Wal-mart.

---------------------------------------------------

COMMENTS

I never comment on your blogs because we talk about them before I usually read them. I don't know why you get so mad about me telling someone they look nice when they change their hair. I don't know why you get so upset and jealous sometimes. You're the only woman in my life. You need to see that. I want you, no one else. But I do have friends and that's all they are. I love you.

Posted by Chris on Monday, May 29, 2006 at 9:18 PM

I'm Back

2006-05-30T21:01:00.000-04:00

It came to my attention, that MySpace isn't the place for my blogging. So everything important will be moved back here. So if the posts seem out of wack, that is why.

Gosh...

2006-05-10T15:08:00.000-04:00

I wanted to say God, but I use that word.. .way too much.
I never seem to blog here anymore.
I've been busy. I use myspace more, than I come here.
I'm a myspace addict

I met a new man. He seems great, cute, funny... u know, all that. I've been thru so much man drama lately, though. I hate it. We both seem to want the same things, only we are in no rush. If it is meant to be, it will be, and if I know he truely wants to be with me, I'll be fine with it.

I have so many trust issues though. Before we started dating, I logged into his account, on myspace so that I could do his page for him. ( it looks nice too, btw)... and I wrote the password down. I snooped and checked his email. I've done it a million times since. I wonder if he notices, he's not stupid, so he should. But, he never says anything. He says, if I feel guilty, then I should just stop doing it. I don't feel guilty anymore. I still wonder if it bothers him. I feel like even if I did something that bothered him, he wouldn't tell me.

He's so in love with me. I'm starting to fall for him, but this is so different for me. I'm scared. I'm tired of games, and stuff.

I mostly am nosy, cuz this girl, who, was on one of my ex's page, well i clicked on her page, and i saw CM. CM, has this big beautiful smile, it caught my eye, and so I emailed him. We started chatting and became friends.

Then I started dating, JW.. who lived in Florida, so it wasn't really a real relationship, but we really clicked, and I still care for him alot. He kept saying he wanted the same things as me, but it became obvious he wasn't ready, when he couldn't make plans to meet me. I wanted to meet as soon as we were able. He was ok with waiting till September. I want a real relationship. I want someone to touch.... And he was ok with us being long distance. This didn't fly with me.

So, somehow after me and JW decided to take a break, CM & I started talking on the phone. It was great, fun, enjoyable. We talked about meeting. I so wanted to just go down there the whole weekend, and spend time with him, but he was busy. That and I had a dinner plan with my aunt. Well I asked him, if I came down could I see him for a bit. He, I think, changed his plans to spend time with me. We were together like about 5 hours. Kissing, cuddling, holding each other, and talking. It was great. He was such a gentleman. I loved it.

So, I do have plans for the future. I hope CM and I stay together, and things work out, not being able to spend time together sucks, especially since he seems to work alot on the weekends.

Oh, about my plans, I hope by the end of the year I have a college picked out, and plans to move, I'm thinking I want to start back in the Spring, but I'm thinking of delaying it till next fall. Depends. I hate moving my daughter in the middle of the year. We will see. I need to get out on my own.

On another note. Grrrr.. Lisa was so right about Sprint. Second time in one month that i got my phone shut off. Pisses me off. I apparently talked to my bf, for 7 minutes too long, and it added five dollars for my 50 minutees, and well, that put me over my account spending limit of 125. Next month won't be so bad, but I have all those fees on there. This drives me crazy. Right now, I'm waiting for the payment to go thru.

I'm no so stressed today. I got some sleep last nite. About 2 hours before my bf came home, then we talked for a while and i got like 3 or 4 more. I need to start going to bed earlier. I don't want to give up our time.. though. I need to start limiting it though, because I'll become sleep deprived if I don't. I don't need any other stress in my life.

My friend D. got hired here. I'm excited for him, and for the bonus I'll get. He starts out at 26,000, plus shift dif, and commission. He will be working on the Car Insurance side. I wish I could refer all my friends. Most people I know, live a bit away, and don't want to drive. This is the first company, I've worked for that paid me what I feel like I'm worth for the skills that I have. One of his so called friends though, stated that I was using him, because I wanted him to get hired, so i could get the bonus. Sure thats great, but if I didn't like this company, I wouldn't refer him. Just in my dept, well, Its stressful because of the customer base that we work with. Its too emotional for me.

Well, I got to go enjoy my lunch, see if my phone works, etc.
Hopefully I will start writing here more, it diffinately helps my mood, and helps me destress. So much has been going on lately, its not funny. I'd write a whole nother book, just talking about the past two weeks of my life.

2 Weeks in the Life of Jae Ann.........

lmao

The Ultimate Purity Test

2006-03-18T11:53:00.000-05:00

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	51.7% Explored the pleasures of the flesh	64.9%
Shamelessness	69% It takes a couple of drinks	79%
Sex Drive	86.8% The Pope is envious	77.4%
Straightness	7.1% Knows the other body type like a map	44.1%
Gayness	76.8% Repressed, are we?	83.8%
Fucking Sick	92% Refreshingly normal	90%
You are 63.94% pure Average Score: 72.5%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up! (By The Ferrett)

So many more...

2006-03-14T22:40:00.000-05:00

Thoughts I want to post, but I don't know where to even start.
It gets sooo soo complicated. So filled with emotion.

I realize so much. (It started with a conversation with a great friend last nite) About me, and men and relationships, and sex. I always have sex too early in the relationship, and I know this. I also knew that I used sex to fill my lonelyness, the lonelyness I wanted to be filled with love. So I got upset, but I knew exactly what he was saying.

The same thing comes up in group today. Four of us women, all have similiar relationships with men. All have sex way too much, and don't receive love in return.

I finally found the man of my dreams. The one that shows me more love than I ever feel I deserve & I fuck it up, by having sex with him, knowing already that he doesn't love me. At least not like that. I wish he'd just look at why. Maybe he is, but he never brings it up. If I bring it up, he'll talk a bit, but we don't get anywhere. What is it, that makes him not love me? Why? We are so fucking happy when we are together. He acts like I've made him the happiest. He acts like he wish he'd met me a long time ago. He acts like he loves being with me. He acts like he loves loving me. He acts like he cares. But his words out or his mouth come different. I keep thinking, is it all about him thinking he'll hurt me? I don't think it could be that, it may be a factor.. but since he won't talk to me about it. I don't know. All I know is I am confused. How can someone show me so much love, and not want to be with me. I think we'd be good together. Not sure it would be so long term, but thats because of all the shit I've dealt with with men lately.

I'm so angry with the last one too. I'm so angry, if he was here I'd slap him. He betrayed me. I prommised he'd never walk out. and he did.

So how do I handle this? I'm normally being so needy. I still feel that way, but I'm trying to take a step back. He seems to not mind me being in his space, but I am not going to intrude any longer. I know he cares for me & if he wants me, which he doesn't, he knows where to find me. I can't call him. It hurts too much. I love him, and I want him to want me. I know I can't make him, but I can't keep going to him, knowing how much it will hurt later on, when he dumps me for some stupid.. little girl. I am a woman, and I would be good to him, and if he doesn't want that, I can't make him want me. I wish I could though. I'm tired of thinking of the girls he's been with, all are girls, technically. They didn't know how to be a real woman. They played games with him, and because he has a big heart, he fell for them. I know he likes me because I'm me, but I wish he could love me.. the way I want to be.

The way I want to be loved by him. Maybe wishing he had the feelings towards me that he did them is wrong, but I want it in a way, although I think they just maybe those giddy loving.. feelings. The ones that make you lust after someone. I, and this is just my opinon.... that he hasn't experience what it feels like to be loved, truely loved, by a woman.. until me. Its scary. So fucking scary. I feel almost the same. I cry at night.. thinking.... why can't things be different...

Things will be just the way they are ment to be I guess. I just have to accept that. I just feel so close to him. And everytime I think about me and him just being friends, I get angry because he said he'd do more for me if we were dating. I've never had a guy do anything for me.. for any reason really.. .much less we were dating... I've never been taken care of the way I want to be. I'm always the one that makes sure that my love is being taken care of. I give all my love to the one I'm with.

I know I do need to be alone with myself for a while, but I don't want to lose him to someone that doesn't deserve his love. Its not for me to judge, but I go thru the same kind of things with the stupid men I date.

Right now, I'm just angry, about my inability, to not try to seduce him to have sex with him. To me it was making love, but I keep thinking, that to him it was just sex, and years from now, he'll compare me to Jen, and that makes me sad. I want to be someone special, that he thinks about as a good part of his life.

I have so much more I could say... but can't right now...

(((I also post on MySpace...)))

I never

2006-03-13T22:03:00.000-05:00

seem to post here anymore.

I wanted to post this quiz though. I would of posted it on myspace, but I don't like the girl that I got it from her page.

That and I just found out she's fucking single again, and she better not mess with my Valentine, or I will hunt her down and kick her ass. I hope if she tries, his love for her, doesn't suck him in. He deserves someone so much better. I'm not saying that because I'm in love with him. I'm saying it because he doesn't deserve to be hurt by her, and he deserves someone so much better, prettier, sexier, smarter, and more loyal. She seems like a slut to me. I hate all that she stands for.

Anyway.. The Quiz.. I found it interesting..

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Stability	\|\|\|\|	16%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Mystical	\|\|	10%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|	16%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Wealth	\|\|	10%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Physical Fitness	\|\|	10%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Well....

2006-02-22T23:22:00.000-05:00

Don't really write here anymore, but I should, then I know, only 1 person who will read it. Noone really seems to care regardless, but I know my best friend, Lisa will read this.

I had a wonderful Valentines Day, with my dear sweet friend, and spent most of my bday with my best friend Shannon. It was more than I could of imagined. Then I come home, and feel like shit.

Then I go up north and visit my family, and that was good too, I miss it.

Then I come back here, and I could kill. I want to kill him, (My aunts fiance), I want to kill myself. I want to kill anyone that pisses me off. I hate, I have anger. & now, I'm so lonely and scared and frustrated, I can't deal with this.

I'm physically sick. I've had a migraine on and off for over a week. Today I had a fever, and a stomache since about 5 o'clock.

I wish when I go over to my bed in a few minutes, I never wake up, but it would never happen to me, I think I was meant to be hurt and tortured. I just want to die, and I think only my weakness stops me now.

Well thats not totally true. I am reminded of my promise to my daughter, but that doesn't include self injury, and now I am obsessing about that as well.

HELP ME. I feel so alone. I can't call anyone, so my list doesn't do me any good... My aunt... oh just so conviently forgot to pay the cell bill.

FUCK HER, FUCK HIM.. FUCK YOU ALL..
I'm so angry right now, I just want someone I love to hold me... ie: Lisa, Shannon, Darian, Sunny, or even my Valentine........ anyone else... I pretty much want to go away. I can't stand interaction, and it angers me even more.

My letter to him...

2006-02-13T02:14:00.000-05:00

I love you, Danny. This will always be true. I don't hate you, nor will I ever. I just pray that you find your faith again, and that he shows you the way. You deserve true happiness, and I feel you let things overcome that. Have faith in yourself. I will always have faith in you.

I know you don't seem to like that I said, basically that you have a drinking problem. I say things because i'm concerned and I don't want you to find out the hard way like I did. I felt like I lost my life when I got a dui, and every time, even though, my record is sealed. Every time I have to bring it up, I feel that regret in my life. As a child, it almost killed my brother. Recently it almost killed him again. I have parents that don't give a shit. Don't become that type of person. Alcohol can control you without you knowing. Ask yourself. WHy do you drink? does that hangover feel good? is it worth it? I worry about you, I worry about your brother. Think to yourself... that car you hit.. think, what if that was a person. Would it be worth, risking drinking and driving.. ??? Think of what you'd lose if you did get caught. Think of the same for your brother.

Again, I only say this because I care.

I love you Danny, and as much as I am hurting, I am more concerned about you. I've gotten past these types of things before. My heart will heal in time. I've learned much from being with you. I've grown. I'm thankful to have met you. I finally opened myself up to many things. Things I will continue to grow from.

After you graduate, take some time, to really think about your life, and what you are really looking for. Please, if you aren't sure what you want, and you meet a wonderful woman, don't tell her.. until you spend some time together. I know I get hooked too fast. And I get carried away with the fantasy, of what I want. A husband, a family, its something I've desired for a long time. Take your time. Realize when you are trying to run away. I still feel that is what you've done in our relationship. I know my illness didn't help. I know in my heart, I did drive you crazy, and upset you at times. FOr me.. though, all the goodness... in our relationship outweighed the bad. I woudn't give it up for the world. Ever.

I love you Danny, and remember you can call me anytime you want. If you are worried, or lonely, or just wanting to see how I'm doing.. you can. I would love that. But I will do ok. I always am, remember you told.. me.. yourself. I am a strong woman. I will survive,and now I have even more faith.

Just always love like you've never been hurt before. I'll always love with my all, and expect nothing less in return. One of my faults. I want it all.

You will find what you are looking for in life. And I'm sad its not me, but believe me, I understand to a degree. I've broken some hearts, and knowing I never did it to hurt the other. I just needed something different than they had, and I knew overall, I wouldn't be happy with them.

Don't beat yourself up. Over this, or other mistakes you've made.

I love you.

Julie Ann

Lost but Healing

2006-02-13T01:55:00.000-05:00

I lost him. I made him my world. That is how I love, with my all. I am not over this, nor will I fully be, because I have learned many valuable lessons. Lessons I will never forget.

My heart aches for the pain, and the loss. I only hope he can find his way. I know in time I will, I just need patience. The pain is too much at times, but I feel it. I don't like it, but I'm dealing with it. I'm looking for support from my friends, from my family, the ones that are always there.

I've heard too many times, I love you, I want to marry you. I will fully believe this, when I feel no doubts. When the man has the ring, and puts in on my finger. I'm not talking about a diamond. I hate diamonds, but my man will know that.

That and many other quirks I have. He will know that I need him to make love to me, with his all. I need him to make love to me, with his mouth and his hands, and his flesh, all this without intercourse.

I need a man that will accept me as I am, and love me that way. But will be able to deal with me as I change. Who will try to support me, as I will him. I want a man that won't give up on me, no matter how bad it looks, or who won't give up on us. I want a man, that knows what commitment is, and is always motivated to do the right thing.

I want a man with passion. Passion for me, passion for life, passion to make a difference.

I have faith, I will find him. Or... shall I say.. Actually.. He shall find me.

Loving Him

2006-01-20T02:44:00.000-05:00

Is bringing faith into my life. I feel things, I've never felt before. I more than ever want to find faith. I more than ever want to make a difference in the world. I have hope for the future. I still have my worries, but hopefully in the next few months, they will calm.

In therapy, because of something that he said to me, I opened to my therapist my need to discuss my past, the past that is haunting me. That is what we are working on next week.

I am having more inspirations. I want to lose weight, not just to feel more beautiful, but to feel on the outside what I am feeling on the inside. I want to be so beautiful on my wedding day. I want him to always look at me, and know that all the men around him are envious. Not only because I am beautiful, but because I am the total package. Sexy, intelligent, loyal, loving & couragous. He told me I am strong. I know I am, but I forget. I needed reminded.

I thank God for the strength I've had. I know many have worse lives, and I hope one day to have more strength to help those that need someone to lean on.

"Lean on me" thats me and my best friends song. I think she is the only one in the world that shares that special song with me.

I've been up talking to an ex, a friend, one who needs God in his life. He always had so much faith. He was there, in my heart when I tried to kill myself. He was one of the reasons I changed my mind about my death. I came closer than I ever had.

Never again.

I will never again, attempt such things. I am glad they barely cross my mind. My daughter so far in her life, has never doubted my love. That is something I find important. My therapist said to me... " if you killed urself, it is something that would happen, she would doubt your love towards her." I could never do that to her. I could never put her thru what I go thru every day. Doubting the love my parents have for me. I think I will always doubt it... though hopefully one day I will be ok with it.

Many love me.... and I know this....
Darian
My Grammy
My Aunt Sally
My love, Danny
My best friend, Shannon
My other best friend, Lisa
My kitties, Babe, Callie & Phoenix - Animals love unconditional like children
& I know everyone on this list loves me unconditionally... and despite any angry they ever felt towards me.. ( or frustration) their love always continued, and I never doubted it....

I know many others love me, but because of my personality and mood disorders, if you aren't there for me, I forget. I know in my mind, that u are there, dispite, but my emotions take over, and I go wild with doubt. These people on my list (and Danny being new... and maybe I will lose that faith, but I hope not.. ) never gave me that feeling, that doubt... that emotional trama....

And its something I need.
Thank you, God. I hope one day, I will feel that you love me unconditionally... and if not, I know you know that I'm trying. My faith is weak, but I shall yet, seek and find my truth.

The Last Month - The New Year

2006-01-16T19:51:00.000-05:00

So much has happened in the last month, I'm not even sure where to begin.

A little over a month ago, I met D., Well, started talking to him online. He emailed me thru hotornot. After emailing back and forth a few days, I asked if we could talk on the phone, and he gave me his number. We've talked ever day since. We met over New Years Weekend. We fell in love before we met, but held it back until we met. It was wonderful. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. It felt great. He's a handsome, sweet attractive man. I adore him. I want to marry him. Yes, I've been talking to him for a month, and I want to marry him.

The first nite I went down to Baltimore I ended up staying at his house. He lives with his parents, so they fixed up a guest bed for me. I love D, and part of the reason I feel I love him more, is because I know its not about sex. We haven't had sex yet. We've fooled around a little bit, and even slept in the same bed more than once, but we haven't made love. I know it will be good once we do, but it doesn't seem that important.

His smile makes me melt, the way he looks at me. I told him yesterday, I didn't see passion between us, and although I can say that, I am not sure how to describe it. I'm not sure how passion exists without sex, because I've never had that. I feel comfort in him. I feel comfort with him. We have alot in common, despite all of the differences in the way we have been raised. We both love music, him a bit more than me, but he actually has musical talent. Both love Harleys... :) Both Love Girly Mags ;) lol, fhm, playboy.. etc... *giggles*. The fact that we both enjoy learning, and like to help people is a big thing I love that we have in common. He's already an electrician. (he's 26 like me), and now he's in the academy, and is going to be a police officer. I find it amazing. He likes to watch some of the same types of movies as me... he's very open, and accepting. We have a similar sense of humor, believer family is important, and love kids.

I wonder about the future though, and wonder if all my hopes, our hopes will come true. I've already changed something about my future, and my therapist thinks its strictly because of a man. Thing is, in a way it is, but if I would of found out about the tranferability of this course, in regards to moving elsewhere I'd drop it as well. I dropped it because I want to move to Maryland so D, and I can be together. Is this wrong? I don't really want to move, but I couldn't ask him to, he's settled in that, thats where is job is. My job is changable. I don't feel like I'm giving up anything though, I feel like I'm going to make my future better. I feel like D., and I will be working on something good together. I feel like people judge me harshly because I have a mental illness. So yes, I know I can't depend on a man to make me happy, and I don't expect that, its just I do want someone to share my life with. I want someone to help, that can help me. I don't think anyone should have to be alone. I want a family.

I want to type so much more, but I have too many thoughts in my head right now to really figure it all out.

Rage

2005-12-12T18:20:00.000-05:00

Jealousy creates my rage, in life, in relationships, in almost everything I do.

I wrote some things on my myspace page that were try, but I'm trying to deduct why am I doing them? I know they are self destructive. I know they are harmful to me. I know they may cause me to do something I don't really intend to do. I'm heading down that path again. I know how to stop. And I know I will. But what makes me continue what I'm doing?

It feels good. But in a bad way. I'm not happy at this moment... why? because I'm not high. Because I'm not drunk, cuz I'm not smoking....

I want to rewind back three weeks ago. I want that feeling. I had it, and I will have it again.

Chemicals create Kaos...

Speaking of that, I finally understood something about T.

T. and his band... Today I got an email about two of the members leaving Stuck in Kaos.. a band I like... I read one's blog about why he was doing it... and how he focused only on the band so long, he wanted to fix things with the ones he loved.... because the band became more than just a love.... and he wasn't happy with it any longer.

Well in regards to T. I was always upset because I never was a priority... but now I can believe that, and I may have already that... it was so true he cares for me, and wants to give me time, he just doesn't have it. I always felt like I was never important to him because MySpace, and HotorNOt, and the web and computers in general took up most of his time. I'd see comments on his myspace page about him hanging with this person or that person, or the band, and it enraged me, that those people were that important to him, and I wasn't. I couldn't figure it out. I understand just a tiny bit more now, but still not completely. I could never love music as much as I love T.

People never can compete with something else. I love to give and get affections and you can't get that from music. I take that back.... you can, you can get it from the attention, I guess like my internet and attention addiction. I'm addicted to the attention of good looking men, despite whether I think they are worth a dime or not.

Psychology Analysis

2005-12-09T19:30:00.000-05:00

Psychology Analysis, analyses .....

Being Psychotic is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

Ex: You call my daughter's name... "Darian...."
again... "Darian...."..... "Darian..."...."DARIIAN".....
"HELLO.....DARIAN!!!"... and expect her to answer.

My thought today was.. why should that work. Its not realistic. I mentioned this to my therapist. Her thought on that was to compare that to me, and CG... and how I don't want to stay away from him. I could. I would. But... I don't want to. He doesn't "hurt" me per say...

My emotions towards him, are what kills me. My jealousy.

Fucked up

2005-12-06T19:42:00.000-05:00

School is almost done.
Thank God, I need a rest.
I've been behind on my work, although its all turned out well.
I'm tired of men, and of choices.

I want a husband, I want to settle down,
I want something real, something tangible,
something, something I'm not sure I will ever have.

I live too much in the past. I need to focus on the future.

I had suicidal thoughts this week. Destructive, disgusting ones, ones I've never had before. Are they realistic? No. Are they scary? YES!

I've not been feeling well, I've had a stomache type problem lately. Hopefully things will work out with it soon. My stomache is already feeling better today.

On My Desk....

2005-11-25T13:40:00.000-05:00

Is a fortune cookie fortune. It says... "You will come to realizations in you life that change you forever" .....

I had that up there for a long time, and then one day I looked at it again. That was a few months ago, or maybe a little longer, when I first came to some realizations about my life.

Last nite I came to another one.

The men that want me, or that I want, either physically or mentally or emotionally... I don't really want them. I want them for one reason or another, but as a whole, I can't be with them. Mostly because of my mental/emotional health, but at this point, I can't ever see me building a life with any of them. For one reason or another, I don't trust most of them, I won't say all. A lot of them have habits, or lifestyles, that they don't for the most part bring here in front of me, but that I can't tolerate in my lifestyle. I would never ask them to stop those behaviours, because that isn't my call, but I don't want someone I love involved in anything like that.

Today, A.A., my friend asked me how my boyfriend was, I replied, " what boyfriend, or should I say which one?" I am not sure what made me say this, but to an extent its true. All these men chase after me, or want me, whether to build a relationship or just for sex, and although I feel good when I'm with them, they usually aren't there either physically, (they live far away), or emotionally.... They have their own lives, which I'm not involved in.

Its sad but true, and now, I just have to find the strength to let go and move on completely, because as they don't want to intentionally hurt me, I don't want to hurt them, and continueing with my behaviours, leads people to think things, besides what I mean.

What... to ... do??

2005-11-09T22:30:00.000-05:00

Life is so complicated. I really like him, but I'm afraid. I never had a man, that was so sweet and loving, that....
A. I wasn't madly in love with, instantly.
B. That didn't try to get into my pants
C. That was so young... (21)
D. That is both a good boy, and a bad boy, thats never got caught...

He follows my bad patterns though...
1. He lives with his mom
2. He only has a part time job (although he's going to school)
3. But he's withdrawn from his classes, or just stopped going

He is more concerned that I need to be happy with what I already have...

4. He smokes weed.... and I'm sure done other illegal things...

But regardless... of any of it. Its nice, to have someone so close, (He lives two doors down), but I really need to set my priorities straight... and I hope that I can do this... and still get closer to him, and get to know him... and give it a chance.... instead of running away...

Addictions

2005-10-31T16:47:00.000-05:00

I have an addiction to attention. I realize why, but I don't know how to change it, and I don't want to completely change it. Thing is, I can't get enough attention from any one person. They are always unavailable in some way. It kills me.

Met a new guy today though, of course, when I was going to school. Exchanged numbers when I stopped at a light going down 422. He was on his way to work. He says he'll call, but we will see. Last guy said that too, but it was prolly cuz he was too drunk to remember who Julie was...

Talked to CJR, last nite, and also to T. Both want to hang out. Looking forward to both, but kind of disappointed, that AJ didn't even call or text me back, after deciding not to come over. I'm not sure he wanted to in the first place. I feel like he maybe talked to me so much, because he wanted to help me.. and the fact that he doesn't want to get involved with me, stems from more than just me being far away. Its only something he can answer.... but... who knows....

Then, EJH ( not sure which initials i used previous...) and had a really beneficial, but an emotional conversation for me.... and stayed up Saturday nite.. way later than we both wanted to, and I fear always that I've scared him away. He seems like a stand up guy, but he's afraid of internet.. dating...

Another Night...

2005-10-26T14:14:00.000-04:00

Of chit chatting with my sweetie... I'll call him that, cuz he's the only one I really talk to lately, and because he is sweet as hell. We both were tired as hell last nite, and he didn't want to fall asleep on me. I asked him questions for a while, the book I have - 4,000 Questions To Get To Know Anybody and Everybody.... So I asked him questions from there, and regular questions, and I believe we talked about two hours.
I should of been doing homework, well reading Chapter 6 for my Macroeconomics class, but I didn't.... but I will be doing that probably tommorrow nite. I do have to prioritize, but he's the thing that makes me the most happy lately. I have many other guys that I usually talk to, but since I've started talking to him on the phone, I barely contact them. I'm supposed to meet CJR, on Sunday, but I'm not sure I want to. I'm sure he's a good guy, just I know what he has to offer, is not what I'm looking for.
But....
I'm not really sure what AJ's intentions are either.... I know he likes me, and thinks I'm cute, but... I'm not sure what kind of feelings he has for me. I know my feelings are too intense, and I need to keep them in check. I actually miss him, thru the day, and wish I could just call and say hi. When I think that though, I feel like I'm being obsessive, and that he will get sick of me, and at some point, not talk to me again.
I'm stupid, I im'd CG yesterday, when I was being bored, and was im'ing alot of people I know... and he im'd back, complainin about his life, and then saying he wasn't with anyone. He was supposed to be with me, but he ignored me for like 3 days, and I said that I'm not putting up with that shit. Fuck him. I was in love with him, but after all the shit that happened over that weekend, I just wish he'd go fuck himself. I still love him, and always will, but I could never be with him, and I surely don't want to build a life with him. I don't need that type of person in my life, he's a criminal, a liar, a cheater, a sneak, a former drug addict, & I don't think he's a very good parent. My opinions yes.... but, this is my angryness showing thru.
I deserve a good man, that has goals and dreams, and wants to make those dreams reality. I want a handsome sexy man, with nice teeth, that will love me, and take care of me, just like I'll take care of him. One day I will find it, until then, I'll just move ahead, and strive for my goals, & work on what I need to work on, to get ahead in life.

Myspace

2005-10-25T14:17:00.000-04:00

I like Myspace, its a good site... and from a friend of a friend, I met a new friend, AJ, I'll call him. He recently read some of my blog, and told me he hopes he just doesn't become initials in my blog. I hope for both of our sakes he doesn't either. Part of it, is that I don't like to use people's names without their permission, in case someone that knows me may know them, and its not any of their business what I write about, really.

Anyway, I really like him. I feel crazy about it. Its those intense feelings that always get me in trouble. Its the, fact that if/when we meet, and he feels the same about me... I jump right in. I know with him, I don't have to worry about the sexual aspect of it, which helps take pressure off.... But I'm still going crazy with these intense feelings I feel. They are the feelings that end up hurting me.

I wonder if he'll read this. I wonder what he'll say if he does read it if anything. It was nice. We've talked the last two nites, first nite for like 3 hours, and last nite.. probably a total of two... or so... And he's not a phone person.. or a talker... he says. We hardly had silence. There were two or three. One was when I said... " I really like you, AJ..." and he replied, after a brief pause, " I like you too." then there was that silence. I was like... "Duh, Julie, What did you say that... its most likely obvious that you like him."

I just don't know what to think. He lives far away... well, like 2 1/2 hours, and if we do get along.. I worry about the distance. It sucks. He doesn't like that either. He's made that clear. I feel like, part of me, should just not worry about it, and whatever happens happens.. but I don't want to be with someone I care about and feel lonely at the same time. I like to be able to spend time with the one that I am with.

I'm not sure what else to say about him... I think he's amazing though. Sweet, sensitive, intelligent, likes quite a few things I like.. and all over an interesting guy. He says he's a "good" boy, and for the most part he seems to be, but there is one thing that, may make some thing he's not.... but I still think he may be one of the few that are still "nice guys".

I love his voice. He acts like he really likes me, and I love it. I'm scared though, what if he likes me more than I like him. What if I like him alot, which I do, and he doesn't recipricate... What if someone else, sweeps him off his feet? He seems to meet girls that don't appreciate him, just like the men I meet.

I think, regardless whether this goes any further than friends, we can help each other, and be there for one another, as friends, so we know there is someone that really cares about us.

Alive & Kicking

2005-10-21T01:49:00.000-04:00

Still Alive folks, nothing to see here...
But an hour ago or so, there would of been a show.
Yeah I'm still alive, I survived the surgery,
healing slowly, but still making bad decisions
1. I decided to give CG another chance, it only took him.. like 2 days to fuck it up.
2. I went with this guy tonite, and hung out, and he put a gun to my head, and thought it was funny. He apoligized, but I'm still trying to figure out why he would do that. I didn't really think he'd hurt me, but I shouldn't of put myself in the position.
3. I'm still awake when I should be fucking sleeping.

More at a later date....

I miss you!!

2005-10-16T23:30:00.000-04:00

I miss you and wonder how you are and how your weekend went?? I also wonder why it has been so long since you have posted in your blog??.......I love reading your thoughts, poems, stories, and daily happenings of your life! We, the people, kindly demand an update! LOL How are things going in general? And how are you feeling, throat-wise? =o) Let me know and let me know when you are going back to work! Love you and miss you!

Surgery

2005-10-03T19:32:00.000-04:00

Tommorrow..
Nervous,
Anxious,
Nervous,
Anxious.....
Anxious.....
Worried....
Anxious....
Did I say Nervous???

Thats my problem.

2005-09-30T16:44:00.000-04:00

My therapist today told me "STOP", you are exhibiting stalker like behaviours. You don't want CG, but you can't stop emailing his gf.. (ex) and saying things to him. I know its not right,and I love him, but I still want to kill him.

Talked to CJR last nite, most the nite, went back to sleep after taking the kids to school, and ended up changing my alarm or something and sleeping late and missing my class.

Also spoke with E today, and also MA, who is 22 and I think he wants to date me, no I know he wants to date me.

Anyway... life goes on. I just want friends. I'm tired of how i get in relationships.

Obsession & Addiction

2005-09-30T16:41:00.000-04:00

One word for you:

MEN

If

2005-09-29T23:07:00.000-04:00

I ever have time I'll finish my previous post.
I'm tired, no sleep, no life, noone that really wants to talk to me anymore. I hate that part. I hate not having attention. I know its not right or appropriate.. and i should be ok with being alone, but I'm not... I want someone to share things with.

School is hectic & I feel a bit depressed, although I like to stay busy.

I just want someone to hold me.. then drive me home right now..

Any volunteers????

Anger & Manic(ness)

2005-09-28T16:56:00.000-04:00

Dunno how that's spelled but it looks shitty regardless. I wanted to start this so I don't forget what I want to write about.

1. CG

2. School

3. Men

4. Life

5. Sex

(to be continued)

I feel crazy...

2005-09-22T19:39:00.000-04:00

I'm starting school on Monday. I went to withdraw but ended up getting what I wanted, more classes, and nice people to help me. I didn't get anything I wanted done today. Well that's a lie, I did laundry but asked Francis to hang it out. I hope he did. I have like 3 or 4 more loads to do this weekend. I won't have time after this to do it. BLAH. I'm glad I'm staying home, but I do enjoy being in DW's arms. I've conceited it won't amount to anything, and I feel bad, because I feel like I led him on. He is really sweet, just... I think that he's not confident in the fact that he is a good catch.

I talked to ELJH, last nite. I hadn't talked (chatted) with him since Christmas. He called me and we talked, or I did most the talking rather, but he listend to me ramble. He was supposed to call me today, in the daytime, but he didn't, but hopefully he will contact me. I got to see him on webcam, he's adorable. Last time I talked to him, he was weird about meeting people on the net, and now he seems open to the idea. It would be nice to at least see him.

Haven't heard from CG... but that is no loss. I apoligized to him for flipping out.

I'll be getting student loans which will help with my financial situation, I just hope it doesn't affect my bankruptcy. I'm getting sick of people telling me I'll lose my car, because all the laws I've seen, say I won't... as long as I make the payments. I have made a list of people I owe, I think I have about 30 people on that list so far.

I also got my allergy shot today. First time in weeks. I got my classes together. I just did my student loan papers. I went thru some paperwork on who I owe. And I called HartLeave to start the paperwork for my surgery. Now I'm here eating my dinner, and chilling, since its so quiet here. I hope it stays that way for the next few months (yeah right) so I can study while I'm here.

Both scared and anxious about my surgery. I hope all goes well. I can't wait to get all the bad stuff behind me and move on with my life.

School will help in the fact that I'll be getting my education and yet I will be able to stay away from the men in my life that aren't good for me.

I need to take more time for me... and quit worrying about stupid men.

Blah Men

2005-09-21T21:39:00.000-04:00

I have too many men I write about, I can't even keep the initials I use for each straight. So if you get confused, don't worry.. so do I.

I spoke with CG today. I ended up flipping out on him. He finally admited to me... he slept with that girl Angela. He fucked her, says he used a condom, but whatever. He says.. all kinds of other stupid shit. I hate that his life is so sucky, but he apparently didn't really love me. Probably a few days after he fucked me, when I went over there when I was sick, he fucked her. What a dick. Says he's not ready for a relationship, and she knows that. But she posts on his myspace... and says.. " I love you forever, " and "I love you,boo, I hope we are together forever." he says he met her after he stopped talking to me, so.. whose the liar and whose the pyscho. He's the liar.. she's the pyscho... check this out..

The older I get, the more I try to keep valid documention. I can tell you almost every time I had sex with him, or anyone else in the last 2 years or so.

I can't tell you exactly when I started talking with him, because that is at my computer at home, but I will add it when I can find the date.

Saturday,
May 7, 2005 - we met, had been chatting for a few weeks (3 approximately I think)He had already told me he loved me, and I was starting to fall for him. I stayed with him at the hotel, and we made love. Thankfully things in regards to sex got better from there.

Thursday,
May 13, 2005 - I went down to Philly, picked up CG & and he came up and stayed the nite with me.

moving forward...

Monday,
May 30, 2005 - CG broke up with me. I suggested it, because I was confused about what he wanted, and he seemed to be secretive. He agreed, because he was planning to see his ex gf on that Wednesday, and I guess since he wouldn't officially be cheating.. he'd feel better about it. All because he told her, that they could "work on things" with their relationship. All because he couldn't be truthful with me.

Wednesday,
June 1, 2005 - He sees her, she's his gf, and they are "working on things"

Tuesday,
June 7, 2005 - I get my car tires, CG has been wanting me to come down since the weekend. I finally am able to since I got my new tires & I head down after work. He talks with me, and we make it official, and he says he's confused, and etc.. etc.. then I find out, about Cristina.. which I really didn't know about till just then. then we break up the next day.

This continues on, we see each other once or twice a week, for the next few weeks. Always have sex on each occurance. In the meantime I start dating others, since technically I am single. Only all I think about is CG.

Sunday,
June 19, 2005 - CG tells me he does want me, and he does know what he wants, and it is me, and that he just can't have me.

Tuesday,
June 21, 2005 - This nite after work I see CG... one of few times, we didn't have sex. I can't even recall what was the reason.

Saturday,
June 25th, 2005 - Got in a fight with CG, didn't talk to him for two days. This is really the first time, we didn't touch base for a while. I broke down on that next Monday (27th) and called him.

Tuesday,
June 28th, 2005 - Got upset with CG on the phone and hung up on him.

Friday,
July 1st, 2005 - Was in his arms again.

Saturday,
July 2nd, 2005 - He was supposed to go see her early in the morning with her mother, it was canceled. I headed home to take my daughter up to visit my family. I wanted to get back soon, so see him.

Sunday,
July 3rd, 2005 - I was sick as hell, because I went out drinking with my mom last nite and got bombed. All I thought about was my time off work, and wanting to be in his arms. I head home, sick as hell, couldn't eat or drink anything, and tired as hell. About an hour into the trip I pull over and go to sleep. I had called CG last nite and professed my love to him and asked him to marry me. I called him half way home, and he didn't really want to talk to me, and was upset. Told me that I shouldn't come down, it wasn't a good idea. I told him, I couldn't be alone, and pretty much didn't tel him I was coming down anyway. I showed up, we talked, made love, he was mad at me, but I agreed with him, because that is what he wanted, that we wouldn't talk on the phone or see each other again, but only email if we needed to.

Monday,
July 4th, 2005 - He got a call last nite, and he's going to see her. He let me sleep in cuz I was feeling so sick. I was nosy and snooped around, and then left.

Wednesday,
July 6th, 2005 - So much for the agreement, I am in his arms again.

Fast forward.... a few months.... (fill you in with this later)

Sunday,
August 28th, 2005 - I write in my notebook, how I'm confused about his actions. Friday, I had a big fight with him, and was abusive. I am not that type of person. I met someone the next day, and stayed the nite with him. I didn't sleep with him, but I did tell CG about it. He's acting needy, and I can't figure out why. He's practically begging me to come down, and I refuse because of my appointments and training, and that Darian is coming home. I tell him I'll come later in the week.

Wednesday,
August 31st, 2005 - I feel sick, tonsils are swallow, and sick. I throw up when my car is at the garage. I call CG. I was supposed to see him. I tell him I am supposed to go to work, but I can't. I want to be at his house resting. He has to work. He allows me to come down, but tells me his ex-wife is there, and he wants to make sure there are no conflicts. I tell him all i want to do is sleep till he gets there. I rest, talk to him a few times, from his job. I throw up some more, eat a bit of soup, and throw up some more. Then I recover a bit and ask him if he wants picked up from work. He asked if I a fever and I said i wasn't sure, he told me to rest. I then got all hyper and picked up his bedroom a bit, then I snooped some more. I read a letter from Cristina, where she talked about their trip to Puerto Rico.. and some other things.. on how she couldn't wait to be out in May. He came home, took care of me, held me, and comforted me. I was feeling a bit better, we made love.. and cuddled and went to sleep. At some point we were talking and he asked me details of what happened with the guy I met over the weekend. He asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. I hesitated but said yes. He told me not to be embarassed and it was ok. He finished to be loving and didn't seem to mind.

He tells me he is going out of town for the holiday weekend, and leaving on Sunday to see an old college friend. Not sure when we talk next, but it was either Wednesday or Thursday nite. After that, he disappears. Doesn't answer my calls, or my emails, at some point a woman answers his phone. I think it was Sunday or Monday nite ( the 4th or 5th) he leaves me an offline message saying "I'm sorry I'm no longer available, I found a wonderful woman and I'm persueing a serious long-term relationship with her."

On myspace.com his profile is updated to show "in a relationship"

I call him on
Thursday,
September 15th, 2005 - I tell him I'm pregnant, he can't believe it but barely asks me a question. He is nice, but tells me I'd of never let go. I know as well I wouldn't have. So I asked, do you have a gf, or did you just tell me that. He told me that he told me that so I would let go. HE LIED.

I check hotornot- and see some comments on his page. Sept 7th- " I LOVE YOU FOREVER" & Sept 13th (i think)" I LOVE YOU, BOO! I HOPE WE STAY TOGETHER FOREVER"

WTF!!!

I get pissed, for him at lying to me again. And I write her a nice email. So nice he calls me Saturday evening screaming at me.

Today,
Wednesday,
September 21st, 2005

I talk to CG, nicely at first, then I get angry. He admits he has sex with her. (think I said this in an earlier post) he denies the small period of time between me and her, and he knows she is in love with him, but says the same thing he does to me.. " i make no promises.. blah blah blah"

What a dick. I've wasted too much time typing this.. and i'm supposed to be working.

The Story of Jae...

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Its been so long

My new @myspace.com email address

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I Hate

Found This...

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My Lesson

Is my life my life... or what?

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Right Now

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Sadness

Tears

Those Thoughts...

Why

I Was Sad....

Ack, My Head Hurts...

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What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

Sad

The Tapes

I'm tired.

Crying

Aftermath

I Give Up

Wondering

I'm lost....

I WISH

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Today

Now

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I give up

8:55PM

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Life

Today

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The EMAIL

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Things

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FROM MYSPACE