Things aren't always what they seem

Just as usual. Things aren't always what they seem. What are they? Right now, I am not sure, but I am not sure everything is how it was.

I am getting ready for surgery on June 13th. Something I should have considered a long time ago, I wouldn't even considered it now, if it wasn't for wanting children with him. So that is what let me here, and now I keep thinking about all the amazing things I can do again.
Running, riding a bike, getting better at karate, doing a pullup, cartwheels, swimming, and so many amazing things.... I can't wait to have my tool.

I find myself being so judgemental though. I don't like that part of me. I judge others who are weak, who don't have as much weight to lose, others who don't think ahead like me. I have to realize others are not me. I have my own faults, and thru this I will probably learn more about myself than I ever have. I hope thru this journey I can become a mother again, and if I can't, I hope that I can live with that fact that I can't.

I've realized that I am happy without a relationship and for as bad as I thought he was, I don't think he was exactly what I thought he was. He was struggling with things, and was going thru some things, and didn't know how to deal with them. I remember those days for me. I used to cut myself and then try to kill myself. I would use drugs and drink and just kinda go crazy. I know so many people will not understand my decisions over the last few months, but guess what? Those people are not really in my life. They don't text, they don't call or Facebook, or write letters or check up on me. It's sad, because I realize, that I don't really have any true close friends anymore. I have friends, but most of them, I can't really share my heart with. I can't tell them a lot of things without being judged or whatever, and it's ok. It really is. I realize these people, they aren't want I want or need in my life.

I have been enjoying my support group, and hope to build some friendships there. So regardless, hopefully my future has some brightness in it.

I just hope I am not putting too much into this surgery. I see so many people sad and disappointed. I don't know what they were expecting from surgery. I guess a miracle, but they are sick or unable to eat and they want to give up. The scale doesn't move fast enough. I don't know that I feel that pressure. I want to drop the lbs, I'm looking forward to losing weight, but overall, I'm fine with slow weight loss, I want to be healthy. I want to have more energy, but I know that the first few weeks, months are not going to be easy. I may be more tired, I may be in pain, I may struggle, but I hope that I don't want to give up. I hope that I don't easily want to give up.

I just keep trying to encourage others. I try to give tips, and tell them the advice my Dr's and nutrionists give me. I feel like my team is giving me good advice. Some of the people in my group, I feel like their team is not good for them. It's actually kind of scary. I just hope that everyone can be successful. I don't think failure is an option. I don't even know what failure is for me. I guess failure would be if I can't have children, but in reality, that has nothing to do with surgery. I may not have fertile eggs, I may have more things wrong with me.. .it may just not be God's plan for me... I feel like if I lose weight, then I have reached success. If I get my sugars lower and get rid of the insulin resistance... I have succeeded...

I just have so much in my head. I wish I had a tape reorded in my head to record everyting to type it all here.

Goals For 2017

My current list of goals. I will add to and cross off as I go along.
I felt it was important to put it out there.


Dating

1. Stay single!!



Karate

1. Do a real pushup
2. Fit into some white pants, that don't make me feel ridiculous
3. Do a better pushup (they are not the same- I hopefully will get this one first)
4. Do a sit-up
5. Hold my toe while balancing
6. Get my Orange Belt
7. Get my Green Belt
8. Learn to Kiai
9. Learn to really tie my belt properly


Personal
1. Lose another 30lbs (with or without Surgery)
2. Decide on this Surgery
3. Get more active (walk, swim, go to another karate class)
4. Get my Net+
5. Decide on my next step for college
6. Pass Java 220
7. Have some fun - with the kid, with my friends, with myself
8. Buy a cute dress as a reward for the weight loss!
9. Renew my A+

My Requirements, for Dating, etc - You know the Future Husband, Father of my children, One can Hope.

Hopefully at some point I can make this into a pretty spreadsheet, at some point, so that we can just check the boxes off, but I am just getting started. (and dating is a long way off)
If you don't like this, you can just fuck off, because obviously, I am not your cup of tea....

I like spreadsheets. And I have requirements. You must meet them. This is the minimum.

You must,

Have a background check, so this means.. (so you can't be on probation, living in a half-way house, or anything like that) Sorry, that I even have to say this. I don't care if you are cute and/or charming.

No criminal record- or minor, possible a dui that was many years ago.. (in the twenties) or.. something else expunged could be acceptable. It has to be extremely minor, and the information has to be given to me ahead of time.

No lying will be tolerated.

How I find out my information is irrelevant.

I've found over the years, that when I think something is up. It is up.

I will trust my gut from now on. If you question me about that. Buh, Bye.

You must have a job.
Said job, must last more than two weeks. And I mean this more than literally.
You must not be a job hopper.I'm not saying never. We all did things in the day, When we were young, but if I am trying to date you, you must be close to forty, you should be grown.

You must have some type of college education, or be working on it. You must care about your grades, it must not be about getting the student loan money.

If you don't have a college education, I am not that fucked up. Job experience can be equivalent. I do prefer someone that does not have a hard labor job, as that is hard on them. (Just saying) but if you have been at your job 15 years or so, the more power to you. You are a stand up guy. I have nothing bad to say. I myself, usually get bored around year 2, and then stay another year or two.

You must care about your credit. Perfect credit is not a must, but you must care about it, and want to educate yourself to fix it, if it is broken. :)

You must tell me about at least three past relationships. If you tell me its none of my business, or anything to the effect.. .. Like "it's none of your fucking business" Buh, bye!

You must have had at least one relationship that was over a year, preferable.
If not, again, explain past relationships.

Ok, so right now, I need to work on homework.. so this is to be continued....
I will continue to write requirements....

Thanks for reading...

<3 Jae Ann

First update...

If you think that recycling is stupid and one person cannot make a difference.
FUCK You. Buh, bye.

3/10

If you are offended by all the questions I ask.. sorry you have to go... 
and believe you me. I will ask many questions...
many many get used to it or move on. 

The more I type on here, the more I am looking for to how many hits my new dateing profile (next year) gets when I finally put it up.
hahahaha
I crack myself up.

If you withhold information that I ask for, that is a lie.
That is my belief, and I really don't care if you agree. I will hold it against you.
And yes, when I am writing this. I am bitter.
I just got out of a 8 month relationship, where I felt used, lied to, betrayed, cheated on, and like he never loved me. I still want to believe in the goodness of man, and believe that he loved me, but I am pretty sure he is NPD, and can't love anyone.

If you ever tell me its none of my business, or none of my fucking business, We will never be in a relationship.
End of story.

Well, not the end of this story.. but the end of that.. ya know.
So here is another one, and maybe it is shallow, but when you do finally ask me to marry you, and I have faith that there is someone out there. I want a nice ring. Not one from Ebay. Not one that is gold. I want white gold or platinum. We will talk about what I like. I will let the final things up to you. If you listen you will know what I love, but you will find the importance in something real that has a warranty, and repair or however that works, etc...

I am not a cheap girl and I do not want to feel cheap, although I do not want a super expensive ring, I want to feel like this is an investment. I deserve that.

I want the wedding of my dreams. If we have to save and scrimp to have it, then that is that.

My Life Continued... Moving On and Moving Up - 2017

2017 Started and it will continue.
I finally ended a stressful relationship of almost 8 months. I go from him asking me to marry me on the 16th of Feb... to him Ghosting me on Friday, March 3rd.
He was a leach and I am glad that he ghosted me. This will lead to the start of a post to remind myself, of all the qualifications I must have when I am ready for my next relationship, but that will be a long time coming.

So look for that post to come.

So I leap from a almost 8 year relationship in 2016, to the arms of a pyscho, who made me feel special in between the bouts of fighting and apoligizing.
I will talk about this more later. I am relieved right now.

I need to start blogging again. I can use all the encourage right now.
Writing has always helped me work thru my issues, and right now, I have alot of things to work thru.

I look forward to having a great year, and putting this all behind me. I'm glad I didn't waste my 2017 with him!

The Story Goes On & On & On.

 This story started in the middle and will go on, even when I am not typing about it. There are so many things on my mind, I can't even begin to know where to start. I have been in a relationship now for over seven years. It is nowhere near perfect, but it is the first relationship that I have not had abandonment issues with. The first relationship I wasn't clingy or worried about when he was going to cheat. None of this makes me happy, though. He doesn't understand me. He doesn't know me.

I don't feel like he ever will.

I was never ooey gooey in love with him. Don't get me wrong. I love him with all my heart. He's the one person who has been there for me, even when I tried to leave him.  Then we got along for the first time in a few years. For a while anyway. He was there after my miscarriage, my grandparents dying, my sinus surgery, thru my kid's problems, my aunt moving away, putting our kitty to sleep, burying the said kitty... my biopsy, and so many other things... too many to name.

But how do you end something that is comfortable. It's comfortable but annoying at the same time. I don't want to stay where I am at, but I don't want to move on. I want more, but he is not ready for more. He is not ready to grow up. I'm angry, because it is too late for me to have more children, which is not entirely his fault, but I'm angry because he's not ready to try. There is no perfect time.

Nothing is ever perfect. I just hate knowing it is too late, and I am having a really hard time accepting that it it too late.

Its been so long

since I've posted.. my life is totally different but exactly the same....

I Want a Man

That will buy me flowers and be all romantic.
If only.

Thats just one thing for my wish list.

I really just want Danny back.

I Hate

I hate myself and want to die.
I know thats not the answer, but thats how I feel.
He left me. I knew it was only a matter of time...
but it still hurts...

I feel like we never had a chance. We weren't even communicating.. every time
I was able to try... he'd blow me off...
Yet.. to him.. its all my fault...

I'm very hurt. Mostly because I can't blame it on him using me for sex.
What was he using me for?
Why ??? And WHY???

I don't get it.