Confusing thoughts

My life I find it more confuseing day by day. I've been enjoying it more though. I've been spending time with a new friend, M., who is very kind and gentle. The thing is... I still love, C., my ex fiance, I still hold him deep in my heart. He's been there thru so much for me. Although none of it physical, that is what I've been needed and craving for many months now. I've found what I've been needing in M. I find this hard, because although I want to satisfy my own needs, I don't want anyone else to be hurt. I've not felt suicidal for almost a week now, it is such a relief. I've not cut for almost two weeks. The cuts are almost all healed.

I do feel such turmoil inside. Do I wait forever, in hopes that C. and I may be together, and what about all this fighting we've been doing. ANd all my issues with him thinking I'm fat. I usually don't have self confidence issues around men. I know that men find me attractive, and I don't usually feel fat around them. I've not had men that tell me they love me.. tell me that I'm fat. I just don't get it. I guess part of it.. is that I'm very high maintenence. I enjoy alot of attention. I'm very emotional. I'm very needy. Is this because I'm borderline or just because I'm Julie.

Who is Julie? I'm starting to figure that out.

Julie??

Julie Ann Lathrop.. Born February 15th 1979, Port Allegany PA...
Is almost 25 years old
Likes-Basketball, Drawing, Sketching, Basketball, Playing Computer Games, Chatting, Porn.. heheh (YES i said Porn.. I do enjoy it.. I admit.. Of both men and women), Dirty Jokes, Clean Jokes, Poetry, Reading, Driving, Dreaming, Talking, Kissing,
Favorite Colors- Purple ( then.. Purple w/ Pink and Blue) and Black
Favorite Food- Pizza w/ lots of Cheese
Favorite Cartoon- Smurfs
Favorite Item- Harley Blanket

I've realized, I do have an identity... though, sometimes I realize I don't. When I'm with people. I tend to like to do the things they are doing. Is there anything wrong with that? Do I give up who I am to do that? I don't think I am. Borderline Personality Disorder says I do. I don't get it. I just find I am an easy going person, that enjoys many things.

Back to the men..thing.. am I being selfish.. or just stupid.. I don't know. I don't know what it is I really want. I thought I did. I do know, I need this thing, whatever it is, between me and Mike, I like it. Its enjoyable. I do know I love C. with all my heart. As for my feelings for M. I don't know him well enough yet. I enjoy his company, and I am very attracted to him. I plan on spending as much time with him as I am able, because I feel this is something I need. For once, I don't feel pressure by a man, to please him.. or anything like that. I get enjoyment out of his company. I feels wonderful.

Something New

Went out last nite. Had a great time. Went with my new friend M., first to a Greek Restaurant, which was cozy and wonderful. I had veal with mushrooms(yuck) and artichoke hearts(first time for everything again.. but not the best thing in the world) with some pasta.. which tasted great. Also tried grape leaves, which were really really wierd. After that went to the mall, got some Italian ice cream, gelato I think its called, peanut butter... it was great.. yummy (so much for the diet.. hahah) walked around the mall (my feet are killing me.. lol -damn high heels) went to Electronic Boutique, one of my fav places in the mall. Didn't really see any new games out though. Had a good deal on Cruise Ship Tycoon though, 15 dollars I think. I wish I had money to spend on a new game... like I need a new game. Then.. after that, thought we could catch at 9 o'clock movie, so went to I think its called On Cue... its a music place right by the theatre and checked out the music. Went to the theatre only to find out the movie didn't start till 10. So.. we decided to buy our tickets, and he was out of ideas, So I suggested we go hang at Wally World.. lol (Wal-Mart). So we browsed the toys, played with a few, sword faught, and talked about stories of the good ole days.. and I told him stories of my daughter.. and stuff like that. It was fun. Then we went and watched the movie, Big Fish. Good Movie!! Two Thumbs up.. hehehe.. It was both funny and romantic, wasn't expecting the romantic part. Good film for both chics and guys.. lol. Well.. after the movie.. I went to the bathroom.. (of course) and went to wash my hands.. and they had auto faucets.. AUTO my ass.. they wouldn't work. So i came out.. (with soap in my hand.. and was like M. any men in that bathroom. ... he was like no.. I went in the mens.. and it wouldn't work either. I was ticked.. LIke what the hell.. NO running water? So.. I came out and there was the water fountain..and he suggested i rinse there.. and so I did.. so if you ever taste soap.. blame it on someone like me.. lol SO after that I was looking for the manager.. and No.. employers were anywhere.. what luck
blah All is well that ends well.. It was a great nite!!

Sooo.. although last nite I didn't get much sleep because I had to get up very early to take my gram to my Uncle (great) Alvin's funeral, I'm doing alright. In pretty good spirits. Thought about guns, but no suicidal intentions. No cuttings. Was glad to see family I hadn't seen in years. I was lucky. Got pulled over by a police man for not having a inspection sticker, and he realized I had Kansas plates and apoligized for his mistake and let me go. Thank God. Because I don't have insurance on my car, and would of been in big trouble. Somebody was with my today. I have to say in the last 24 hours I have been a very lucky woman. Even though, I did get my car stuck in the deep snow in front of my mothers house.. and had to wait 3-4 hours for my step dad to come home and help me get it out.. and it (of course) only took him.. well like 2 minutes to get it unstuck.. lol (MEN... LOL)

Well anyway.. enough of my adventures.
My spirits are bright, although my mind/heart/spirit/ are a bit confused as to what to do in my future and to what path do I chose. So.. . I know.. to just move forward slowly .. and we will just see what happens. Wish me luck.

BPD and Life

I had a sort of understanding with myself today. How long it will last is beyond me though. I come to the conclusion, that I don't want to die today. I don't like to cut either, but it gives me something I don't already have. The feeling of being alive. The feeling of pain that can be seen.

I still don't know how to figure out how to deal with all this damn pain. But somewhere between this stupid movie we watched at partial by some La Roche lady, and the information, aand just my mind thinking today.. I've figured it out. Also figured out why I don't get anxiety meds, em.. that is because.. most of the good ones are narcotic based..and addictive.. I don't think.. that would be a good thing for me.. heheh..

Well all this thinking made my brain hurt. I still think of the gun, but.. it doesn't feel as as good as a thought. Its hard though, when those thoughts go thru your head, whether you want them to or not. Its hard to even know how that feels unless you go thru it. Like, I couldn't ever imagine what it is like to hear voices, and I crack up everytime the doctor asks me that.. and.. well.. its scary for the people that experience it.

Well.. thats all folks...

Some Music...

Still haven't found the Borderline Song I'm looking for.... pisses me off to no end, but found some others that jumped out at me.

Artist: Joni Mitchell
Album: Turbulent Indigo
Title: Borderline


Everybody looks so ill at ease
So distrustful so displeased
Running down the table
I see a borderline
Like a barbed wire fence
Strung tight, strung tense
Prickling with pretense
A borderline

Why are you smirking at your friend?
Is this to be the night when
All well-wishing ends?
All credibility revoked?
Thin skin, thick jokes!
Can we blame it on the smoke
This borderline?

Every bristling shaft of pride
Church or nation
Team or tribe
Every notion we subscribe to
Is just a borderline
Good or bad, we think we know
As if thinking makes things so!
All convictions grow along a borderline

Smug in your jaded expertise
You scathe the wonder world

And you praise barbarity
In this illusionary place--
This scared hard-edged rat race
All liberty is laced with
Borderlines

Every income, every age
Every fashion-plated rage
Every measure, every gauge
Creates a borderline
Every stone thrown through glass
Every mean-streets-kick ass
Every swan caught on the grass
Will draw a borderline

You snipe so steady
You snub so snide--
So ripe and ready
To diminish and deride!
You're so quick to condescend
My opinionated friend
All you deface, all you defend
Is just a borderline
Just a borderline ...
Another borderline ...
Just a borderline



Artist: Jane
Album: Close up and real
Title: Borderline


She hit the borderline
The day she finally crossed the line and spoke
Without the hope
That had her choked till now

And swiftly to her head came
All the comfort she’d been fed
And she recalled just how she’d bled
And how they’d watched her try

CHORUS:
Don’t take me for a fool
‘Cos I know the world is cruel
Don’t say it’s OK
All the good has gone away

And innocence it was her fire
For she believed that purity
Was all that was required
To live a better way

But there was for us
No place to hide
For that same day
A child died
Two boys were charged and questioned why
But they could not reply

CHORUS

We fall and call and we carry it all
Gathering on the way
We reach and we teach and how we love to preach
As long as our views can stay the same
As long as they stay the same

Not sure what to say..

Not sure what to say.. or think or feel. Feeling really shitty. My blood pressure is up, and it never is. I almost panicked in the doctors office today. They said I had to see The Dr.. instead of Bonnie... I almost cried... Finally got in there, talked with Bonnie.. I did get to see her..I spoke up, and was, I don't feel comfortable speaking with the Dr.(he's a male) and I was going to talk about birth control.

I tried to wear long sleeves, but.. I have nothing clean so well, of course she saw my fresh cuts on my arms from last nite. She asked, I just tried not to cry. I hate my life. So much. All I've wanted to do for days and day is cry and cry.

Got in a big fight with C. last nite. About the fat joke... he told me " break up with me then" and so I did. I haven't cried about it. I just wonder what he thinks and feels. And what happens from here. I feel like it was a sudden thing... I really wasn't going to, although I had thought of it, I just got so upset and pissed off, I didn't know what to do.

Life

What is it? WHy is it so aweful? Why does it hurt? Do all people really pretend they are happy? and if so... Why?

Life is fucked up, and I'm tired of being part of it. I wish it would all end. But.. without the gun, I find it impossible... so.. I'll just continue to cut, to help my stress level, until i'm so disfigured, noone will let me near them. They will lock me up in a room and throw away the key.. and there I will live happily after fucking ever after.

Can't think of anything to write, too tired. I'm off to bed.

How SLUTTY are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

How DUMB are you?

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How FAT are you?

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Please humor me..and sign up to be a vampire :)
http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=ZoeDraille

You, my friend are a true individual. You most
likely hate trends and are creative. By seeing
things differently, people either admire you or
think you are a bit strange. I'm guessing you
are a lot like me. Perhaps a Good Charlotte
hater? I hope so. An inspiration to us all,
continue being you! (If you like GC, I'm sorry,
I am just expressing an opinion)


A Deeper Look Inside Yourself (with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Daisy. You're just the opposite of Peach,
you're very down-to-earth and mabie even a
little athletic. You love to have fun. (plz
rate)


What Nintendo Charater are You? (pics)
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You're taffy!! You're a clever and kind person,
but you tend to hold grudges. You are not big
on dishing out forgiveness.


Which kind of candy are you?
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Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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You're Exotic Dancer Barbie. You have some moves,
and will do anything for a few bucks. Take it
off girl, but keep it PG-13 please.


If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
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Which deadly sin do you represent? (Angel Sanctuary Pics)
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Finally...

Finally a doctor agreed with me. I may not need medication for my depression. My depression is not.. a chemical imbalance.. its from my upbringing. Well duh, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and that is from the way I was brought up. Not learning to cope, not learning the emotional things I needed to develope. The Dr. didn't give me anythign for my anxiety, but he did start a mood stabilizer, Topomax, also a drug used for seizures. Hope it helps, one side effect of it is weight loss, and how could that be a bad thing.

I realize so much, I need to change my perception of life. I need to realize, although I wish I had a real family, it will never happen. My parents could never live up to my expectations, even if they wanted to. I always wanted to please them as a child. Now, I always wonder why. I've also realized, that as a child, I didn't realize these things that went on in my family were wrong. I feel stupid for that. I could of stopped alot of these things before they happened. But i guess I shouldn't keep saying.. If I would have.... that is the past.. I have to live for my future. I don't know what it is though. I don't know what I want it to be. I'm so confused on a daily basis. I can't make heads nor tails of anything in my life.

I've always wanted so much for my future. Always wanted things to be perfect. I know they can't be, but that doesn't stop me from wanting that.

If I had,
everything I wanted,
would my life be
so haunted?

Would I be scared,
of going somewhere new?
Would I always be crying?
And feeling blue?

I ask myself this question,
Almost every day,
I also ask my God,
and nothing he does say.

Am I all alone,
In this dark and lonely world,
Am I all alone,
Answer this I say,
I do not want to be alone,
I do not want to be alone.

Please save my life,
and my soul,
Please tell me where
I have to go..
So
that
I am
not
alone.

This is SOOOO RIGHT!!

for
in life....


What do you really wish for in life?
brought to you by Quizilla
You wish for love. If only it were true to be held
in the arms of one you love and never to be let
go....not ever. This is truly what you wish

Done.. only because the damn server messed up, and my gram is sweeping me to bed.. tata

You are a true nature girl!


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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I know.. God..will I ever get finished taking quizes today? Nope.. never.. oh wait.. i have to go to bed in a few minutes.. this sucks.. lol :) I'm trying to enjoy being bored.


You represent... apathy.
You don't really show any emotion. You can be
considered cruel and cold, but you just don't
really care about anything. This is just the
way you are... you're quite a challenge to get
close to, and others may perceive you as
boring.


What feeling do you represent?
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You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Pleas Vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
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cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Reincarnation: You are nice enough to go to heaven,
but Earth won't be as fun without you. So you
shall come back as someone or something else.
As a real optimist and lighthearted person, you
always see the good in things. People probably
respect you for your wonderful personality and
love for life. People like you make the world a
happier place (please rate my quiz)


**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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Thug Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wishing..

Wishing I could get my comments to work. Still can't. Mike, help me!!! I put the code in right!??!? I think. THE stupid side bar thingy.. the code was in right for his web site although it wouldnt ever work for me. The other day, I just looked at the code, it looked right, and republished it. .. and it worked.. AMAZING.. blah blah blah..

Anyway...

I think too much. Had a lot of thinking I could do though today, as I drove like for 5 or 6 hours today. It wasn't too bad of a drive and I got to help my friend D. get home with her new Baby Emily.

So, I've come to the conclusion.. (at least my opinion today--I tend to be fickle lately) That.. I cannot marry a man that thinks I'm fat. Ok.. not a big deal to some... but I've never had an issue on whether a man finds me attractive. I've always felt pretty (though I am too chubby), and never had a bf tell me different. Sure the boys at school picked on me a bit, but I always had a smartass comeback,and it never bothered me that much. Maybe cuz I wouldn't be having sex with them or anything. I mean.. I don't want to be making love to my husband.. and not enjoying it, cuz all I can think of is him saying, "Julie, You are fat, lose some weight, she lost weight, so go write that down on how she did it". I said it once, I'll say it again.. FUCK YOU.. I said that to C. Apparently hurt his feelings, but hey.. It hurt mine. One thing I dont tolerate well (other than lack of intelligence) is rudeness. Even said, trying to be funny, weight is not something you joke about to a woman. Especially a woman that has hormone problems. I dunno, small issue, but has a big effect on me. I know some are thinking.. Jae.. you have self esteem issues, and I do, to an extent, because I'll never think i'm good enough.. (and damn I know I'm fat) but, do I need my future husband, telling me what to eat, or what not to, and how I should lose weight. I KNOW how to lose weight, i've done it before. But when its a challenge to not sleep your day away cuz you have nothing to look forward to, how do you get the motivation to work out an hour a day? and to eat healthy. Food is the only thing really enjoyable.

Haven't played my game in weeks, don't talk to many people online. When I am online, I don't really enjoy it, cuz if i'm not multitasking, I get bored easily. And since I have dial up, I can't really do shit on my computer. The one things I enjoy lately are my two new friends, R. who chats with me on MSN (almost daily), and M. a friend of a friend, that emails me every day. Those are the two things I look forward to.

I want so much more. Not monetary.. or whatnot.. I just.. strive for more than this exsistance people call life. I wish I could understand my issues with God. I wish I could get over the fact that most people in my family don't love me or care, and that they will never change, no matter how much I pray that they could just love me and show me affection.

Its a sad life. A life without hope is hardly an existence. Life without hope is hell to me. Today I am partially glad I do have generalize anxiety disorder. I get scared going to new places by myself. Which prevents me from going to the gun shop and gettting a gun. Something any normal person, and even me could do, if I didn't have anxiety. So.. lately I've been thinking of asking (and hope to tommorrow) the Dr for some meds for my anxiety. I hate pills so I wonder deep down inside, that I think something will help, so I can take that trip to the gun shop. And that scares me. Without my anxiety, I'd be dead already. It saves me..but also prevents me from having a normal life. Its sooooo fucking scary.

Sadness

I cried as I read this post. My friend has written this about me. I feel sad, not sure if is because I know this hurts my friends, or because I don't feel this way today. Its hard for me to fathem, just a few days ago, I wanted to die, and today, other than being a little upset with my boyfriend, I'm ok. Not good, not bad, just living, breathing.. Still on my search,
I
My search for self. What is self? what will I find? Who the Hell am I? I really don't know the answer to any of my questions, I hope that I can find them one day though.

As for hope for the future, I'm still searching for that. I've actually been getting some things lately. Balanced the checkbook, made some calls. Have plans for next week. BUt I got to get out of here, before I get emotional again. I'm on my way to Dubois to pick up Danielle and the baby.

If I am cut, shall I bleed?

I sat here a few minutes ago, pulling the razor across my skin, it slowed my heartbeat, it slowed my breathing.. both which were rapid. I enjoy the feeling, as well as feel sick from it. WHat the fuck am I doing to myself... I find it sick, but strangely appealing at the same time.

What was going on. I felt depressed, angry.. and even a little suicidal.
Why? I feel like noone cares for me.. or even understands me. Everyone wants to think they understand me.. and I don't!! How can they understand me..better than I understand myself? I dont feel like they can.

I took Darian to a birthday party today. I had so much anxiety, and was so scared. I'd do anything for Darian though. I got thru it. I can still feel the fear in my stomach and chest though. I hate my emotions. I wish I could be numb. I wish they'd give me something to calm me down.

I think of suicide alot. Would I do again? ONly if I could get ahold of a gun. I'm serious. Just a permanent solution to a temporary problem.. the critics, and professionals would say. How long is a problem temporary. I've had these problems my whole life. They don't feel temporary to me. And I have BPD, that is not temporary, I'll have that label my whole FUCKING life. Why? because I fear abandonment, because I've been abandoned by my family many many times.... because I cut, and I don't know how to stop. Because I have relationship issues.. and cant' seem to meet anyone nice....

I hate my life, but can't figure out where the tools are to change it. What do I do? I do not know. I feel so scared, scared of myself mostly.. I feel so alone..

Please...
make it go
away

Surfing and Relaxing

Just surfing the web tonite.. looking at things.. like... The Straight Dope Archive, a book of writing called the Talmud which is something I had never heard of. From the link I got from another site, it talks of Jesus's real father.. but have yet to get a chance to read much about it. As it is waaay past 11 and I am very sleepy. I drove to Dubois today.. and it was a long journey.. mostly cuz everyone had to stop here and there and here and there before we left.
Also wandering the net.. checking my email.. and chatting with my friend S. from Wichita. She and her family are doing great!! oh.. and then took a quiz on what country I was.

You're Turkey!

You have a good deal of history behind you, both good and
bad, but through it all, you've become a leader among your friends.  You
have an uncanny ability to make friends with people who hate each other, though
sometimes you just hate them instead.  Surprisingly fickle, you keep a
good balance in your life between religion and humanism, but most people think
you're fanatical anyway.  You're Istanbul, you're
Constantinople.
Take
the Country Quiz at the href="http://bluepyramid.org">Blue Pyramid

OH.. what a beautiful day.... Beautiful People.. Beautiful People...

Anyway.. was doing some research on Euthansia for my sister, S. and ran across a cool essay. Also got to see that they are having some cool concerts at Darien Lake this summer. Hope I get to go to some. I've been lucky lately.. as I've had a few wonderful friends always keeping in touch with me. It keeps the smile on my face.... and makes my life less depressing.

My gram.. says she knows.. that I stole the money from her. ((( I KNOW MY SISTER DID IT))) it pisses me off to no end. I would never steal from my grandmother!! ever!!! She thinks I'm evil. Says I cut myself and tried to commit suicide for attention!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!? She says I wouldn't even cry when she died. I would.. alot. As much as she pisses me off.. I would cry. I hate that I even say mean stuff to her.. and swear at her..but I don't know what to do. SHe just thinks I'm the worse person in the world. SHe still harasses Darian and pisses her off. She belittles me every chance I get. Saying, I'm not doing anything to get better. SHe thinks I should just snap out of it.

I'm still debating going to stay with my mother for a bit. I don't like the smoking honestly, and am not sure if I can deal with my mom's demands.. DO this.. DO that.. blah blah blah.. she is too lazy... and then uses her arm as a bigger excuse.. I think she learned she can't do this at Christmas when everyone harassed her. I don't know.. still a thought on my mind.

Still haven't talked to C. much.. but had a little time this morning. Things are going ok. Still have no idea what will go on in our future. He says he will reapply in two months time.

No thoughts of suicide.. or cutting today. Feelings of sadness were overwhelming when i was fighting with my gramma though.

I worked out today.. Stretching for ten minutes.. run/walking for 22... and did the stairs a few times.. :) much more active today.

Thoughts....

Running thru my head. Not sure whether to be sad.. or happy.. that I'm feeling good today. I thought for sure I would go off the edge.. ( i was hanging there as it was) when I found out C. did not get his Visa. Dissappointing yes... but maybe it wasn't our time to be together... (apparently). Maybe I needed this extra time to work on me, and my goals, and get myself together. I don't want to feel depressed, like I have been the last week or so. I felt so out of control. I've been able to make some good friends in the last week. They have helped me alot. I hope they know who they are :) !!

Last nite, before I went to sleep, I thought of cutting, I thought of suicide... and it was great to wake up and feel totally different. It feels wonderful. Wish I could figure out how to feel this way.. at least 50% of the time.. I'd be all set. Want to share a poem with you all..

Death

With this I could not stay
I'm sorry it had to be this day.

The 13th of January 2004,
It is the last day,
I'm never more.

Too much sadness,
Too much hate,
This is the day,
You learn my fate.

Forgive Please,
I did not mean to hurt you
Forgive me please,
I have no virtue.

Only want to end this pain,
Maybe for another to gain.

I felt really bad last nite, that is all I can really say. I thought maybe I would attempt suicide again. I wrote to my friend, Punky about my thoughts and feelings, and it will probably drive him crazy when he reads it, knowing he can't do a damn thing to help me. He has, though. Writing to him, gives me a change to be heard. Something that I'm not used to. It feels good to have someone I can open up to, and never be scared what I say will hurt him. Because I know, even if it hurts him, he will forgive me.. because I know he loves and cares for me so. I think the sad part of his life, is that noone knows what a good heart he has, but me. I wish I could of done something to help him before he got himself in trouble... I guess I just need to learn, that people need to learn their life lessons on their own, no matter what you say or show them. Thing is.. I never really said anything.. I guess at one point, I may have been scared. But.. that is in the past. I need to work on the future, and decide what it will be like. What do I really want. What will make me happy.

What would make me really happy right now.. is to cuddle up in my boyfriends arms.. and go to sleep. I'm getting really tired.. so I'm off. :)

Reckoning Day

Well. I find out... in about 5 hours if C. gets his visa. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. Who knows. I don't have much emotion about it just yet. Just been on edge the last few days. It sucks like hell. I wish I could curl in a ball, and dissappear from the earth. I feel so much sadness and despair in my life. Does everyone really think that I chose this? My family seems to. They think I chose to be depressed. I choose to let my anxiety get the best of me. They I like fearing to go outside... to meet strangers. That I fear going to the store alone. THat I fear the looks people give me. I fear to say something wrong. I fear everyone hates me. I fear I could be raped. I fear my daughter could be molested. I feel so stressed. Would anyone really choose this? I know I certainly would not. I have not. I wish I could just life over, knowing the things I know now, but not having to experience them. Oh well. Life is not fair. The rich keep getting richer, and the poor poorer. Not because the poor don't want better, but because they don't know how to work the system. Its not.. who you are, it is who you know. :)

Well.. wish me luck.. and if you don't hear from me.. I'm either extremely happy or in the looney bin.. :)

Funny thing,
Don't you see,
Funny thing,
This thing called me.

I've lived my life,
through all the hell.
I've lived my life,
with my story to tell.

It's not that bad,
I've seen worse,
I could be dead,
taken away in a hearse.

Now I lay me down to sleep
Close your eyes,
don't make a peep.

Life would be better,
if you would only sleep..

Sleep it off,
Drift away,
Close your eyes baby,
It's okay.

Not Helping

Partial.. doesn't really help much anymore. I'm not into it. That and I don't feel I get the attention I need. Waaa Waa.. I know.. I act like a baby, but.. I just hate spending all this time, and not getting anything out of it. Not that I don't get anything out of it.. I do get a bit, but I don't quite feel like I'm heard. I mean, they want me to take meds, they don't force me, but know that I'm a "good" girl... and I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THEM. The only other person in the group that doesn't take them, that doesn't want to is court ordered. They don't force me to, but when I asked could I get off them, I was told, I should give it at least 6 months to see if it makes a difference. Been on it for two months or so, so four more months to go. . I think. I think I'm so anxious, I'm confusing myself. That is another thing that upsets me.. Why don't they give me anything for my anxiety...???? I have more anxiety than anyone i know. Do i just hide it well. ?? I'm so used to not supposed to be having feelings.. I don't really show them. J is just always "OKAY" . Okay to me.. is living breathing.. nothing more. Its not a true life.

I don't know much. (that is a lie, I know alot..) but anyway.. One thing i know for sure, is that I want a better life.. a real life. I want to be happy. Happy people, don't expect everything to be perfect!! ( I don't.. never have.. never will) Happy people are optimistic. How can I be optimistic and realistic.. at the same time. I can't figure it out. Being optimistic, makes me feel like I'm living in a dream world. I don't like that. I don't like dissappointment... but.. what does that matter? really? I've not experienced..much but that.. (pessimistic)... NO.. i say.. I am just realistic.. I expect the worse.. so if something good happens.. it is a surprise.

Not sure I want to write this here.. as C. reads it... but.. I'm expecting him not to get the visa. That way... I won't be as dissappointed when he doesnt.. or i'll be happy when he does. Believe you me.. I want him to get the visa... This is what I expect.. to happen..actually.. in my mind..

He won't get the visa. I'm too scared to go over there... right now.. (too much anxiety & not enough money). So eventually.. I'll get bored, or upset, and break up with him.. (just like he thinks I will). And I will be sad and depressed, and maybe even suicidal again. But then I'll meet another guy over here.. (in the US) and he will be just as bad as the other guys.. I've met.. and it will take me a while to realize it.. and then I'll just be fucked up again.. and the cycle will continue.. until I die.. or get pregnant..

Either way..

Life goes on.

I know my pessimistic attitude gets in the way of my happiness. But how can I find my happiness, when the only thing I've really found that makes me happy (besides my PC) is making other people happy. How is this a good goal in life? My happiness depends on others and it shouldn't. I should find some happiness in myself. I don't know how. I will never be good enough for myself. I'll never live up to my high expectations. I want my Doctorate for God's sake.

ME, Julie.. a girl from a poor home, where.. only a few .. (less than 6) have went to college.. and even fewer have graduated from it. Most of my family members have their FUCKING GED for GOD's sake. AND they are proud of it. WHAT the HELL? Sure... I graduated from High School with Honors.. (don't know how I pulled that off) I didn't always have the best of grades.. Almost failed Biology.. and 11th grade History. I had D's and F's in those classes. I remember those times well. I remember all the crying I did.. because I didn't study hard enough.

What makes me think I can get my doctorate.... I know I can do anything if I try hard enough... but right now.. I don't even have a job.. I can't even get my resume in order.. and it took me two months to get the energy to balance my checkbook. I barely get out of bed in the morning.. if it wasn't for my daughter.. I probably wouldnt.

What the hell am i going on and on about.. Hell if I know.. I'm shutting up.. i'm just rambling, like the thoughts in my head...

Life goes on..
Tommorrow will be a better day..
Maybe tommorrow,
They sky won't be gray.

We can only hope,
We can only pray,
That tommorrow,
Will be a better day.

Life goes on,
That is all I will say,
Tommorrow will be
a better day.

Your Love

Did you find true love?
Did she fall from the sky?
When God sent her down,
Did he know she’d want
To die?

With good intentions,
I hope that he didn’t
With all your love,
I would think that she wouldn’t

You never know what life
Will bring,
Do you think the wedding bells
Will ever ring?

I hope they do,
For you deserve the best,
Give her your love,
And God will do the rest.

We will keep you in our prayers,
We want to see your dreams,
Come true,
Yet is seems they never do.

The Day is Coming....

Been wanting to Blog for a while now... just haven't got around to it. Been too depressed, and too.. busy.. I suppose. Or maybe I just didn't really want people knowing what is going on with me.. This is my first post of the new year. Well, I have been pretty depressed, and right now, worrying so much, about the 13th. Tuesday, this is the day that we find out .. (at 4am EST) whether my fiance, C. gets his visa. If he doesn't, we have to have a plan B. I'm not sure I'm up for plan B right now. I know many of my friends and family are praying for us. I know I am hoping and praying too. It will be a big day for both of us, and emotional.. too... either way it goes... I'm sure.. I will need my many friends around.

I have to promise to myself.... I will not seclude myself that day...
I will try to avoid sharp items that could be used as weapons...
I will try to share my feelings..

As for my New Years Goals.. (life long goals, not resolutions)
I plan to lose weight.
My first step into that, is to cut out soda, and drink more water, and to start to exercise more. After I do that,
I plan to... exercise more, and watch my other sweets.. and eat healthier snacks. (carrots, celery, peanuts, instead of candy.. and whatnot)

Then... I hope to try and learn more about myself, which I have been doing this past year, but I want to go in depth more....

And.. I want to read and write more.. (even here).

Well.. anyway.. not much new. I've attended partial twice this week. Hasn't helped much, but it gets me out of the house and around people. Hoping to see the Dr R. tommorrow.. sort of.. I know he will want to push more meds. I HATE THEM. Went to see Dr. A. today, the allergist, pretty much a waste of my time, but I made my dental appointment, as it was in the same building. Dr. A. just looked in my ears, and in my nose.. and said.. lets get you an auditory test.. and i'll see you back in two weeks. The receptionist doesn't think my insurance covers the auditory test, so... they will let me know when i come back. They want to see if the singular (not sure the spelling) its an allergy medicine is working, and to give it two more weeks.. blah blah. I don't like Dr's much.

Any.. last nite was great.. stayed online all nite chatting with some nice people. It was nice to have the chance to spend time with some nice people. Its not often I get a chance to do that. Some people I meet always have other motives.

Also found out today that my daughter's aunt died. She was quite young.. not even near 40 I don't think. Her pacemaker died. She was a weird, but nice lady. I don't think it has quite hit me yet. I worry about her kids though. They are teens, but I know this will be hard on them.

Well, I'm off to read email, and then get some rest. :)

Personality Disorder?? me? NEVER!!!

dependent


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Inner Child

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

Color Test- What Color Are You?

You are orange. You are emotional. Outside, you are bitter and stubborn, inside you are hopeful, hoping someone will come save you from the bitterness of your own mind. You constantly feel the need to prove yourself, and you look up to those who can make thier dreams happen. You are broken, but not beyond repair like maroon.

What inner color are you?

Pain free and lonely me

Not much to blog about. Feeling quite lonely, and left out I suppose. I've realized recently, I don't have as many true friends as I thought I did, just acquaintainces, and that is something I've never really brought to my reality. Sad but true.

No headaches, for about 4 days now !!! Terrific news!!

I feel alot of pain because I'm not as close to certain family members. I think back and its not any different from being in Wichita. No phone calls, no letters. Although I do see this person once in a while, I don't really get to talk to her. I hate it. I want to be closer to someone in my family. I want to really feel like someone cares. I mean this person decided on a date for an important event, and where it was going to be, and didn't bother to tell me, but told everyone else. I hate feeling like an outsider. I want my own family. I want my own place in life. I want my own place in this world. Although it is a world, I would never want to own up to. It is an angry evil place. I want to find the good in life. I want to go with what I truely believe, that most people are good. I want to see it for myself though.

Not sure what else to say... Although I am bothered, because Calin said I seemed to be cold lately. And then he wouldn't explain himself. It makes my heart ache. Although it already does because I miss him so. I keep having this feeling, that we are wasting our time, and no matter what we do, we won't be together. I know that is my negativeness, but no matter how much I try and stay positive about out future that comes to me.

I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying right now. Feeling so alone, and lonely.. and not wanted... I'm hurting alot inside. I need to be held. I need to be loved.

One day I will find what I need.

Something to think about.

I sit here realizeing that my life is going nowhere really fast. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck between wanting to rule the world, and wanting to go up to my bed, and sleep forever. I hate that I have to feel this emotional pain. I hate feeling the physical pain I feel almost on a daily basis. I fear going out and forgetting my medicine.

I am also sitting here feeling guilty for my grandmother having missing 120 dollars. It was only my sister and I in the house, and then the money was gone. I know I didn't take it. Why do I feel so guilty. Because I allowed myself to let her in. She's my fucking sister for Christ sake. I didn't steal the money, I don't have any proof she did either. But either way, I'm not responsible. Then why do both my grandma and my aunt find me responsible. Maybe cuz my whole family is fucked up. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for something I didn't do, I have enough guilt on my shoulders, from things I did do

I'm also feeling bad because I've no wedding plans yet. Calin wants me to wait till he is here, and it is driving me nuts. So nuts that I'm having negative thoughts about the whole thing. I guess I just don't want to be ill prepared. That and I guess I'm jealous, cuz my gram is helping Sally, and I know that noone will help me with my wedding plans. It drives me crazy. I just wish I could feel as if I belonged to a part of my family. I know in my head, that I never will though.

Something else I wanted to ponder. The other day in partial.. I played the most violent sport on earth. It was ping pong. YOu should of been there. I almost got my head taken off. It was all in good fun though.

Thoughts: a little confused, erriatic, negative, and a little suicidal
Interruptions: positive affirmations, and positive reinforcement.

I am trying to enjoy my life, its a hard struggle though.

The Day After the Day After

Feeling a little emotional now. Not feeling depressed today, so its a big move. I didn't take the Trazadone last nite either. I feel like I was a little rude to Calin today, when the things he did made my feelings hurt. I just don't know why I am so emotional, and so overly sensitive. The whole arguement we had was stupid, and I'm glad its over. Each time we do have an arguement, I feel closer in the end. I feel like we've always made a big step towards the better future that we both want.

My grandmother is driving me crazy. Ordering me around. Telling me she's going to put my cat to sleep, when she puts the dog to sleep. The dog is sickly. My cat is healthy and vibrant. I want to take my cat, and my daughter and leave. I've talked to my mom about staying with her. My brother agrees I can. I just have to talk to my stepdad. I don't know if I can handle it there much better either.

Either way... Life goes on!!

Thanksgiving

Where to begin? I am thankful for what I have, Darian, Calin.. my aunt, my cat, my sisters and brothers.. and for all the things I do have. But.. I'm missing what I've always wanted, a real family. I don't feel like my family really loves me. They are not affectionate, and well, never have been that I can remember. Why is that a problem for me? I really don't know.

Ever since my first boyfriend, Clair, all I've really wanted to be was married. I dated him for 6 years on and off, and always thought we'd be married. We both talked about it alot, it seems, as I look upon those days. In the end it didn't work out, and I'm glad, because now I have Darian, and Calin, the two I am most thankful for having.

I know I can't change my family, but I don't feel I have to be around them like this either. I don't like it, and I certainly don't want it. I'm feeling very depressed and sad today. Missing my Calin. .. and missing what I want my holidays to be like. I can not wait till that is changed, and I can spend my holidays with him.

I guess I just want my family to do things for me like other familys do. To love me, to hold me.. to comfort me. I know that will never happen, but it is hard to accept. I want to be held, loved, and comforted, especially on days like today. I haven't had a family dinner in about 3 years.. so maybe that is why today was harder than I really even thought it would be.

I didn't realize till partial yesterday, though, how much I really didn't like holidays. I've never really enjoyed them. They bring too much tension, just like Darian's birthday party did. I've had those suicidal thoughts, something I haven't had in a while. I just feel like my world is falling apart. These headaches are really getting to me. I've had one almost everyday now for a week. The medicine takes care of them for the most part, but they are still very stressful. I don't know what to do about them. That or my car. It sucks... but oh well, that's life. I'm not lucky enough to get everything handed to me on a golden platter, like others I know. I've never been that fortunate, nor will I ever be. Which can be a good thing, because it makes me appreciate things more, and not take everything for granted.

Imagine being 16 years old, and your mom pouring you coffee, and making you toast for breakfast, and serving it to you. Imagine being 21 and having your own place with your boyfriend, and having your parents pay some bills, help fix your house, and also pay for the car you are driving, and the insurance. Imagine that. My parents haven't really done shit for me, and never will. Nor would I ever even ask them for anything.

Romanian Website

Overall things are going good. C.'s modem took a crap, so he won't be online in the next few days. Hopefully he will get some rest, that he really needs and deserves.

Well in my search to learn more about Romania.. I ran across this website. ..
I found her story.. most intrigueing and have been reading it for the last hour or so. (Many interruptions) I wanted to email her, but all I get is a error code. I found many of the recipes interesting, and wonder if C. uses any of them at his home. I therefore pretty much printed out all the soup recipes. Wish me luck.. lol :)

I feel so lucky to be alive, and know that life has good things in store for me. I just mailed out the invitation for C. and we are hoping to get an appointment soon. We just have an unanswered question.. and trying to get ahold of the Ambassy.. or something. Wish us luck, I'm getting excited that we will marry in June if all goes well.

Anger

It's ANGER,
It's HATE,
Its LOVE,
I can't take.

It makes me crazy,
It makes me sad,
It makes me emotional,
It makes me mad.

I can't take it,
I shouldn't say,
I wish the sky
would turn,
from blue to grey.

Then it would feel,
as I do,
Then I could see,
my anger too.

FUCK IT

I am soooo FUCKING angry right now.. I want to scream, cry, or break something. I waited two and half hours for Calin today. Something that seems to become a new habit of his. And where was he? At the pub, watching a game. Where does that put me as a priority in his life 0, where do I put him, prolly number 3, after taking care of Darian and myself. This pisses me off to no end. I'm even more pissed, because I get back online, to see if he's come home and ... it shows he's offline, but he's really there, invisible.. and I wonder, what does he hide from? Me? Another woman? who? Then he says only a few words, and I'm so angry I put myself on invisible.. cuz I don't know what to say. And he leaves. I really want to talk to him about all this, but because I'm angry I don't think I can. But I tried to call him anyway.. and no answer.

I'm beginning to wonder about all this. I don't know if its cuz he's so far away, of because of past boyfriends or what. But I'm beginning to think this is all bullshit. Him, me.. anything. Maybe he is using me to get a visa and live in America.. but then why would he suggest moving to another country ?? I don't know, but I didn't like that discussion either, about moving somewhere else, to start new, somewhere outside the US.

I'm now feeling so sad, I'm tring not to cry. I don't know what to do, to say to him. I don't know what to feel. I feel so FUCKING alone. I need someone right now. I think I'll go to a chat room and see what I can find.

WISH ME LUCK

I'm BACK.....

Here I am. Safe and sound. I signed myself into the hospital shortly after I wrote the last post. I was there until Thursday afternoon. Attended partial on Friday, and made it thru the weekend.

I feel more secure with myself now. Although, I am beginning to doubt my relationship. I feel I rely on it too much for my own happiness. I want to find my true happiness, without having to be in a relationship. I do love C. so much. I truely do, he is so wonderful. Just I feel that lately... he hasn't much time for me... and it hurts. I don't want to feel that kind of pain, just because he is leading a normal life over in Romania. I lead my life... and do many things here. Of course... I will hold out, and wait, and see what trying to be patient brings me. He is a wonderful man and I am grateful to share this time with him

I attended evening church with my brother tonite. I was wonderful. The pastor and their family was so loving and nice to be around. It was a different type of church than I'm used to, but would love to attend again.

I am grateful also to be alive today, and have shared my life with so many people.... I am so happy to be alive. My spirit has been awoken :)

The Day

I don't know what to really type here. I'm on the edge. I want to die, but I don't. I can't deal with my life. I feel the only way out of this pain is death. How do normal people deal with this? I want to go into the hospital. I have to, I don't know if anyone will listen though. I have noone to take care of Darian. I don't know what to do. I wish I had someone to hold me and love me. I need that right now, more than anything in the world. Why does living have to be so hard. Why are there no rewards? I NEED HELP. I pray.. please help me.

Living

I don't know how to deal with my gram. I wish I did. She is so intolerable. She purposely picks fights, I think that is how she feels loved. I told her tonite... if she wanted me to leave all she had to do was say so. She drives me up a wall. BItching for an hour on what to have for dinner. I didn't want any dinner, I am not hungry, nor feeling good. BItching because I swore in front of my daughter. That is my business, not hers. I hate being here. I know Darian feels the stress, but I still don't know what to do or say. I don't belong here, I know that.
I am just soo tired, this is the second day of tiredness.. (well half the day yesterday) earlier in the day yesterday, I worked my butt off, and Gram of course didnt appreciate it. Also today is the third day for my headache. I wish they would go away.
I guess that is life.
Today, in group, they asked me all kinds of questions about my relationship with C. I answered them all. I realistically believe C. and I are meant to be together, and that we can have a healthy relationship.

Feelings

Again, the moodiness..going from feeling ok.. to miserable.. but.. I'm trying to cope a little better. Talked to my mom and stepdad today, and hopefully they are going to do the paperwork I need done.. for C. to come up. I am hoping..they acted like they would fill it out. Crossing my fingers. I feel that C. and I will be great together, and I want to share my life with him. I've missed him today. We missed each other online. I had an errand to do, and then I forgot to do something and I had to go back to Bradford. I was so mad. I got that game returned though. Thank goodness.

I get to go on a field trip with Darian to a farm. Hope I am feeling better tommorrow. I had one of my headaches today. Darian will be sleepy, she was up late tonite. I feel bad.. cuz she is cranky and sleepy. I feel it has something to do with the tensions of living here. I wish I could do something.

Well I am off for the nite, trying to get my email to work.

Life AND Death

I hate going from feeling ok.. to feeling miserable, because of the way I take peoples words and attitudes. My gramma is always dogging me. SHe blamed me for my aunt not calling, cuz my aunt is talking to me online. Her throat hurts. My gram just ignores me. What do I do. I have been trying to do what i've learned of my coping skills. It doesn't help. I have tears in my eyes.. and my heart hurts. Hurts from the pain. I can't stand it. My thoughts then go to dying, to cutting. I know I can control that. .. but they thoughts, they border obsessive... they won't go away when I feel like this.

I need to be held, I need to feel loved. I don't feel loved here. I hate that my grandmother acts this way. I know I can't change her.. but I don't know why I should sit here and take this. I have nowhere else to go though. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

Today

Not sure what to say about today. I tried to sooth my anger that I felt towards my grandmother. I feel it more and more. I do not like the anger I feel. I wish I could do something, something to make it easier here.

Things with C. and I are going good. I've missed him this weekend, we didn't really talk much this weekend. I can't wait for him to be here though. I just wish I could do the paperwork myself, instead of having to ask someone else to do it for me. IT SUCKS.

Tommorrow I will be going to Darian's school. That will be fun.

The love I cherish,
The love I see,
It is right there..
waiting for me..

Waiting for me,
To be free,
Of this pain,
I hold inside me.

The pain I hold,
wants to leave,
I feel it inside,
I want to believe

I want to believe,
That the pain is gone,
I can't feel it now,
but it will be back before long.

I AM GOING TO GO TO HELL- THE 7TH LEVEL

I took this test.. I found it funny, and well i'm prolly going to the 7th level of hell, because I answered that I do not believe in God. That is prolly a big one.
Check it out!!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Personality Test

Why do my mom and I have the same internet.. only mine at its best is.. like 21kbps and hers is 49.2 kbps. You be darn I am going to call and find out. Well anyway...
the real reason I posted is cuz I took a personality test.. and here are the results :

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Wedding Bells in the Air....

I'm in one of those moods, the ones i'm not used to. I'm not completely in a good mood, but not in a bad one either. Am I the only one that is not used to these days?? I hope not. Well I do know that I am not alone.

C. and I set a date.. June 14th, 2004. It's still unofficial yet.. ya know, still have to get a pastor, and rent the firehall and use the church.. and stuff like that, but hopefull all will work out well. I won't have the money to do these things till after the first of the year anyway. It is still and exciting process.

I cried my eyes out tonite talking with my aunt. I think I needed that release. It is kind of cool, she is planning on getting married soon also. Next year around the same time. We are trying to coordinate so we arent competeing.. and so we dont have such similiar weddings. I don't think that we will. Since she has had a wedding before.. she knows more about planning. I know I helped her make a million flowers for her wedding.. lol

Well all seems ok.. in my neverland. I'm doing ok. I'm working towards that goal of being happier every day. I know one day, I won't doubt happiness, and that makes my life worth living.

My beloved C.

I mean to write C. a letter, but I hope that he will just read this here. I'm pretty sure he reads it every once in a while. As much as I need him, I fear the loss of my own independence. It is something I need. I fear that because he is coming here, He will seriously want to be with me 24/7 and I'm not sure how tolerate I will be of that. Sure at first that is what I want to, I want to spend time getting to know him more, and showing him how much I love him, but after a while, I will become cranky and irratable and depressed. I need time to myself, as well as with my friends and family. I also worry excessively of our finances once he is here. I worry of that all the time, but I wonder how we will get by. I just so much, want to share my life with him, sometimes I am afraid to step up and say what is really on my mind. I've had too many years of pretending nothing is wrong, so it is hard for me to speak up. That is why I am glad that I can write, because it helps me get things out.

I fear the life I have,
I fear the life I want,
I fear the things that have happened,
I fear the fear will always haunt.

If fear was money,
I'd be rich,
but rather I am ordinary,
I am such a bitch.

A bitch with a passion,
A bitch with a care,
A bitch who wants to be
anywhere but there.

For there I fear,
The fear,
the fear that keeps me near
Near the ones that haunt my life
and hold the dreaded mirror.

My Best Friend

I spoke with her tonite. My heart cries out with pain. I have done an aweful thing to her, and she doesn't even know it. The two people closest to her, have hurt her the most. I can't stay silent any longer. I am writing her a letter tonite, and will send it out tommorrow. I can't keep in just because I'm in fear of what it will do to me. She needs to know. She deserves to know, she deserves enough respect to know what is going on. I fear it will ruin my daughters relationship with her daughter. If I don't say or do anything, I will feel guilt for the rest of my life. I told her about my website today, I probably shouldn't have, but I didn't think she would be interested. I feel for her. I wish I could make her happy, I love her so much. I just can't live knowing, I've not told her the truth. I will just have to deal with whatever decision she makes to continue or not continue our relationship. It scares me, but at the same token, I know I have to deal with this. It's been too long.

Borderline

This was sent to me in my BPD group online. Not sure where they found it, but it really hit the spot on how I feel most of the time.

I'm a borderline

that no one listens to

a borderline

that no one sees.

Every day I deal with problems

that seem normal

to everyone but me.




I am unworthwhile as problems go-

I really have it all together,

totally capable in any way.

No one can see me

incapacitated by my own anxiety

immobilized by fear and stress

hidden underneath a sheath

of everyday.




I took some Prozac

to feel better.

A nice band-aid

to cover the spot

of internal bleeding.

It worked.

but I'm still losing jobs

and I am still imploding relationships

like too many seagulls

on alka-seltzer.

But at least I can

better achieve the

glossy, high- quality

fakeness

that feeds everyone's expectations.



They made me president of a club.

They made me captain of the team.

They made me super-counselor at camp.

And editor of the paper.

They believed I could do it.

I failed every one.

And someone else stepped up

cleaned up

the mess I left behind.

Somehow I fooled every one of them

into thinking that I could do it.




After two months, I quit my job at the beach.

After four, I quit the paper.

I lasted two months at the Nile,

and a whole eight weeks at camp.

A single month as a janitor of the second floor.

A whopping seven months at the department store.

And Last but not least, after two months I was
fired from fine
dining.

I've never had a job I've liked- or been able to
keep.

And I was really trying at the last one.




I told Dylan, Scott, Chris, Ben, and Dustin

in whispers so sweet

"I'd love them forever."

"That this time was different."

I'm the most amazing woman.

I'd convince them, each

in his own language.

And when he was finally convinced,

I'd run away, and

abandon him at love's door,

with nothing more than an intense desire

to escape NOW

fueling my getaway.




Me, the borderline.

Living every day

my life meter switch

stuck on "survival."




Through periods of anger

I have several mementos.

Three punched holes

in three different walls.

A scratched, dented car.

Scratched, cut skin.

A piercing.

Many miles of gasoline

used up in silent crying, destination-

"anywhere but here."

Smoking cigarettes, smoking weed. Drinking my
health to the floor.
Impulse purchases- blades, clothes, bags, books,
and twenty different
bottles of shampoo. Screaming obscenities at
people I love, building
a firewall of hate for no reason. Insensible as
it all is, I sit
here, a borderline, this is my everyday.
Regretting my behavior. Dragging my feet through
work each shift
takes every ounce of energy I have

My relationships are a mystery to me- something I
will never
understand. Anger and depression are doors I try
unsuccessfully to
hold closed. I am nothing but a fake- hoping to
somehow achieve
normalness by convincing you that I am.

Yesterday.

Negativity-where does it get you? I dunno-but what if it is really the reality? Seriously-being positive only makes me dream and hope for more and so when I don't get it-all I get is greater dissappointment. I don't want that. But I don't wan this life I have now either. I want to be happy. I want to be normal.-Whatever the hell that is.

I have realized I need to move away now more than ever. The only reason I don't cut here is because I'm in the "good girl" role- that I've always been in. I hate it, I loathe it. It consumes me.

Darian has been cranky lately, Why I ask? I think because of my moods. I think she feels what I feel - just like I empathize with others.

I hate my fantasies of the future. How can they ever come true? They can't because I don't deserve happiness. Do I believe this is true? For the most part. Well I will continue this when I get home, if I make it. (NOTE: I orginally wrote this in my journal at home, and am retyping it, as I will do with other entries from my DAY/NIGHT journal) Well, I am home-Unfortunately my grandma is still awake. All I thought about on the way home is how my life is a sham and how me nor anyone else knows how things will turn out in the future. I also really want to talk to C. Now I'm thinking oh, yeah, I should break it off with him. Before I give him a chance to bring pain in my life. Who knows that he will or won't though.

THere is no God. SO.. I guess I'll never find out. Life & everything in it is a sham, it is not reality.I don't understand how I can be so intelligent and dumb at the same time. I have coping skills and i chose not to use them tonite, so I feel like shit. Least it is a real feeling and I'm not pretending my life is a dream world anymore.I plan on taking the risperadol I found along with my tother meds and see if that helps anyway. Can't hurt. I don't have enough for that sort of thing. My negative thinking again. I

I just dont' get life, and why my family is so fucked up. A. has to have everything her way and it's just easier to give in to her. Hell she's had 18 years of training. 18 years of being in charge. ANd i let her, just as my parents die. What do I do though? I can't make her change.How do I cope with her?

I'm so confused in my life. I don't know how to fix it. I feel broken. I feel lost and hurt. I feel scared. I don't know how to feel any different. I don't know how to feel happy and be realistic at the same time. How? I wish I did. I wish to learn that someday.

I'm so scared that C. and I won't work out. Seriously am I being realistic, I mean I'm in love and engaged to a man I've never met. It's strange, yes. Everyone is negatie about it though. I just really don't see the difference between this and arranged marriages. I mean they don't even meet their husbands/wifes until they are married or shortly before. I am very commited and C and I were friends before we wanted to date. We want some of the same things- a better education, a family, someone to hold, and love and share with. We both share a disbelief in God. For once, I found someone who is like me and just doesn't believe because everyone else does. We like the same music. Both like the internet. of course. :) I just don't know where I should go with this. I mean. Well. If I break up with him, I'm feel like I'm running away, I'm pushing him away. I feel like I haven't given "us" a chance. If I stay, I feel like, I'm not living in a real world. What do I do? Where do I go from here. It's scary, its' unreal.

I wish I could just move- and go somewhere far away. Away from here, away from the mess that I've created of my life. I want to be held. I want to be loved. How do I heal myself without C.? I don't know. But I don't want to be completely dependant either. How do I find the in between, that my personality doesnt want me to? How do you become independantly dependant or how do you find the healthiness in being both?


I do not know, I do not care.
I do not want to go over there.
I do not want to stay here
either.
I do not want to become a believer.
I want to find out
who I am.
I want to find out if my life
is a sham.
I just want the truth to be seen.
I want to see the in between.

Life

The hurt,
The pain,
My life,
The strain.
As I walk
down the path
that my life takes
I look around,
I think,
I feel,
I shake.
My world closes
upon me,
My world sucks me in,
It eats me up,
Just I thought,
I would begin.

Beginning of the End of the Beginning of the End of ...

Not even sure where to start. So much has been going on. I attended a class yesterday about young children’s behaviors, and tried to relax and couldn’t. My sister had me run her to Bradford, and unfortunately the money I was expecting did not come and no one knows why. That upsets me greatly. I did, however, get a check from TN from Walter for child support. I wish it would come regularly, but I don’t ever expect that.

Today I went to partial. I got really emotional. I don’t feel like I’m much in control. I’ve realized I’m not meeting most of my needs. Right now, one of the things that bother me the most is bothering me right now, my grandma. Can’t she see that I am busy and shut up? This is what drives me crazy the most. She always invades my personal space, and doesn’t expect anyone to want privacy. I think she was born on a different planet.

I really need to get out of my grandma’s house, but in the same token I am scared. Scared of how I will be when I am alone. I don’t want anything to happen like before. I felt so scared and alone. I was terrified of being alone. Terrified to go to sleep, terrified of myself. I don’t like that feeling. I will try my hardest not to ever feel that way again.

I am now getting sleepy. Something I hate, I hate feeling sleepy and tired. I feel lazy because I can never get enough done. Why? Because I spend a lot of time online. Online time keeps me sane though. I get to write here, on my blog, talk to the love of my life, and also to a few of my friends and family. It gives me some emotional support, and helps make up for my lack of physical touch.

I read a story today; it’s been going around lately. It was about the US landing on the moon, and trying to prove that they didn’t. I don’t know enough about the moon, to say whether I believe it or not. I really have no opinion. I wonder about other people, and what points they would argue though.

Some of the things I learned in that class the other day were helpful. They helped me realize why my sisters and brothers and I have no respect or value to my mother’s words. It makes me realize it was my mother’s lack of parenting skills, and that my sisters and brothers are not bad kids. Just hurt, mislabeled and neglected. I still find it hard to let go. I have to though, because I will not be around forever, and because they are pretty much grown up. I have to realize, that I can’t make them change, and I can’t really shape them anymore, because they have already been molded. It’s hard though. They are “my kids”.
I have to work on my own parenting skills, and be the best mom to my daughter. So that she can grow up to be a good productive adult.

One thing that the lady said yesterday that I didn’t really agree with was… that she as a parent would want her kids to have a better work ethic, rather than a high IQ and a good personality. I wouldn’t. My grandmother has the highest work ethic I have ever seen, and worked for this company 25 and some odd years. My dad has worked half that time, and he makes more than she does. What kind of bullshit is that? I couldn’t say. I want my children to be intelligent, and not take any bullshit. I do think they should have good work ethic, but I don’t think that should be the highest priority on the list.

Trying to get comments to work

and I have yet to be successful

Stop Searching, I Have Found The Meaning of Life

I sometimes wish I had more time to write, but what would I write? It mite get boring if I write too much. ļ Well, anyway, my day was pretty uneventful. Went to the hospital, chatted with C. and checked email. Checked out some beautiful wedding dresses online. Stuff like that. I feel kind of out of it today though. A little dizzy and out there. Not sure if it is just my body getting over the sickness, or another bad side effect from another medication. I guess I will find out in a few days, if I still feel crappy. Got to go for a walk today, just down to the post office, but it got me out of the house. Now if the weather could always just be as nice as it is today.

I worry about my grammas dog, Curly. She¡¦s been snapping a lot at my daughter. Yes my daughter does do some things to agitate, but today, Curly just snapped at her when she was trying to get a blanket from behind her. I just hope she doesn¡¦t bite my daughter. I will raise holy hell if she does. My gram needs to get that dog to the vet; something is just not right with her. She has coughing fits and stuff.

Why is the meaning of life such a mystery? I sometimes wonder this, like now. But if we knew the meaning of life, why would we go on living. My guess is that we wouldn¡¦t. It¡¦s hard for me to look back at the times, and realize that I really wanted to die. I did. Sometimes I still do, but I realize that I have a lot to live for. I want to change people¡¦s lives, and I have my whole life to do that. I don¡¦t know how exactly I will do that just yet, but I will. I have faith. I think that has a lot to do with wanting to life. The faith and trust in the future. Without faith, or something positive to look forward to, what is there? Nothing. With nothing, there is no future; with no future there is no reason to live. I¡¦ve felt exactly that way, way too many times to count.

I feel happiness inside most of the time now. When I do feel sad, I try to think of the good things in life. Sometimes they are so hard to remember though, because they are clouded by the negative things.

I found some old journals I had written a while back. I am hoping to get a chance to reread them tomorrow, if there is anything interesting, I will post some of the things here.
Well, it is about my bedtime so I will sign off now.

I think I learn alot, by reading other peoples blogs. Tonite, I read M.'s cuz i wanted to update myself with what was going on in his life. Always something new. I still don't know what to think about him having a gf. It always surprised me. Probably cuz I had a crush on him at the time. I am happy for him though. I of course, had to go check out his gf's blog. And seems they had a great weekend. Though, my opinion on M.'s religion, is different than his gf's. I have always found M to be quite religious. Way more religious than any I know. Most people I know, don't even care if they attend services. I find from what I have learned about the Jewish religion that most are more religious than Christians. Christians don't always bring there religion to every aspect of there life like other religions do, (this includes Muslims). Well there are different types of Christians, but the biggest, is the Real Christians, Vs.. the C&E Christians. (C&E - Christmas and Easter). I was told that my a friend of mine that is a Youth Minister. I don't know how people can stay so positive about their religion when they see so much evil in the world.

But anyway.. if anything i just said made any sense I'd be surprised, but I had to say something, because I find my friend, M. to be very loyal to his religion, sure he has become Americanized, but.. I would find it hard for anyone to not become that way. Reminds me of a how i watched the other day, about a Amish boy that had went to the "BIG" city to see what is was like. All he saw was evil and dismay. He decided he wanted to be Amish, and not go out on his own, and stay in the big city. His comment to the doctor that was showing him around, was... "Have you ever seen a homeless Amish man? The Amish stick together and take care of each other." Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could be that way. IF everyone could have the ability to really care about others. To give themselves to others.

But anyway.. (again...) I am off to bed.. Goodnite, I send my love to all that read this.

Sadness Haunts

Sadness haunts,
the hearts of many
How do you rid them
of this pain?
How do you stop
the endless rain.
You can not,
You should not,
It is not what you need,
It is not your greed.
But the greed of others,
without mothers,
that really,
truely loved
them.

Tomorrow is Another Day

I have so much on my mind; I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been sick for the last few days... well since Friday to be exact. That was the day that I started my new meds; guess what, my stomach did not appreciate them. A bad reaction, not actually called allergic, but went back to the doctor today, and they suggested I stop that medication and just eat and drink what was tolerated. It sucks. I’ve been sick to my stomach all weekend. I was finally able to eat with out being sick. Luckily. Still have a headache and stomach pain though. Who would have known? I’ve never had stomach problems with my meds. Oh well.

I’ve been really emotional. I’m off the Effexor. I think I am doing well. C., well he always cheers me up. I love being with him (even though it is online) and just thinking about him. My mood just went from about 4 to about 9.999999 just typing this message about him. I’m so in love. I just hope my heart doesn’t get ahead of myself on this one. I only wish to be happy more times than I am sad. 

I’m watching a movie on lifetime, so my thoughts may be a little distracted, I’m writing during commercials cuz I want to go to bed in the next half hour. Well, about C., I love him so much. Lately my heart, body and soul have ached for him so much. I don’t understand how I can be so in love with a man that I have never met, but I believe in love, and I know that he and I will give all that we have to make each other happy. He seems so open to my needs, and to the fact that I am not perfect. I am a perfectionist though, and that makes it hard for me to accept that my life isn’t. I want things to be as close to perfect as they can be. I do know that bad things and sadness will be in my life though. I have to accept that to get better.

I don’t know how much longer I can live here with my grandmother. The negativity gets to me. I don’t know how someone can be so negative. I know I do that to myself, but I’ve never that I can recall, tried to be so negative to others. I’ve always tried my hardest to make others happy. That is what makes me happy. I love to give myself to others, just is seems most people in my life take advantage of it. My whole family does. The only two people... well three people... that haven’t are D, my daughter, C, my fiancé, and S, my best friend. I guess my other best friend J, hasn’t either, but I’m not sure where I stand with her. I’m working on trying to get up the courage to help her, because I will have to heal from this too. I want her to be happy.

So, this week I have lots to do. I will go to partial 3 days this week. I have a class I am attending on Wednesday about children’s behaviors, and will also go shopping. And I have to write the invitation for my fiancé, and also get the applications and get them filled out for housing. Not my first choice for wanting to live, but I have to get out of here. I don’t know how I will survive… but I know I can be strong until C. gets here. I don’t live living alone; I don’t think I ever have. I have always wanted my family to be there. I can’t wait to finally feel as if “my” family is complete. I can’t wait to be wed. I think it has always been my dream, and I can’t believe that soon, it will become a reality. I can’t wait to give my love to him, and receive that same love back. They way he looks at me makes me feel so special… it’s as if the miles that we are apart, aren’t really there.

Life is scary though. I don’t know why I ever changed my mind about living life, but I am glad I did. I wish I could help those that don’t feel that way. How do you help someone that really has no reason to live though? How do you help someone that feels no love? I think love is the greatest thing on earth. First the love of my daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me. It got me thru the first 2-3 years after her birth. She made me happy, everything she did, seemed so perfect. Then, she got an attitude. I realized I couldn’t live on her to make me happy. I had to, and have to find the happiness within myself. What makes me happy? A beautiful day, talking with friends, writing, both here and my poetry. My dreams of the future make me happy. C. makes me happy. Knowing I’m alive makes me feel happy. I’m looking for more things to find my happiness in, and I know one day, I will find them… but for now... its is time for me to take care of me, and get some beauty rest.. Tomorrow is another day.

Shit Happens

Wow, I realize no wonder i have been feeling bad. I've yet to blog since Tuesday. I've been feeling really shitty the last 3 or 4 days. I should write more when I feel crappy. I think part of it is the meds, and part of it is just life. I start partial on Tuesday. I went last Wednesday also, that started all the emotional feelings. Right now I've been talking with C. so I just feel fantastic, but just a few hours ago I felt hopeless, and worthless.

Its weird how things can change in just a few minutes. I few days, a few weeks, a few months, a few years.... Things do change, and we have to adjust, I'm uncertain how to cope with my adjustments, and my stress. I'm hoping to learn new skills, to help me thru the uncertain times. I love C. so much, and yet.. I sometimes wonder, what the fuck am I doing? But then on the other hand, I feel such love and tenderness from him. I find him unbelieveable attractive.. I desire him so much. I feel the love just thru our chatting online, and I wonder, can this really be true. I can't wait to see him in the flesh.

I am hoping to see my brother tonite.. and if I don't get going I won't be able to do that.