Easter

Nothing much going on today. Just thoughts in my head. Finally got to talk to N. today. J Happy about that. Missed him lots. More than I should probably. But I made some new friends in the meantime, and the one MM. , is very sweet. He’s 23, and living in Maryland. Originally from Guyana. Very sweet, and also a gentleman. Why do I keep meeting guys I don’t have a chance with? I guess I’m just destine to have lots of nice, cute, guys friends, all around the world.

Feeling ok today, got a little down, because I was sharing with MM, some very personal things about myself. Got me a little down, but he cheered me up, and then I took a long relaxing bath, and enjoyed my day. I wish I would of spent more time with Darian. But I did spend some time with here, and she enjoyed her new Barbie Jeep.

I got it for her for Easter, despite the fact, my grandma is the one that told her she was getting it. 250 dollars well spent I would say. Well, when I was putting the stupid thing together.. I was missing a part. I called back to Wal-mart to see if maybe it was left in the box.. AND IT WAS thankfully… so I headed over to Bradford to get it. Well, of course I had a few minutes to spare, so I wanted to see J. (I’m such a fucking dumbass) Well, I saw him.. And spent time with him, and was intimate, but I didn’t give in to him wanting sex. And I didn’t give him any sexual favors. I found out he’s back with Liz, his ex. What a fucker…. Well.. Anyway.. In the meantime, I’m late so I head home.. And well.. What happens.. But that I speed, because I’m in a hurry, cuz I’m late. And I get pulled over for speeding. Luckily, that is all they gave me a ticket for, as I don’t have insurance on my vehicle. So, there goes another 100 dollars, not sure if I’ll even have enough to fix my car. I’m hoping like hell. Cuz otherwise I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do.

Hoping this week, I have a good support group, this is my emotional week, and not having my meds, (or being allowed to have them rather) because of the allergy testing this week is killing me. I have met some new friends.. So I hope things will go well. I don’t want any suicidal thoughts this week.

FIRST OF ALL...

Why does noone comment on my site? That freaking sucks.
Pissy mood!! Feeling sick, can hardly breath. Will I live till tommorrow?? of course.. i have to suffer.

My heart is hurting,
So much pain,
Without love,
What's to gain?

Nothing here to lose,
More pain, the fear,
So much sadness,
Its too near.

Don't know if I can take it,
Don't know if I care to,
I feel the pain,
thru and thru.

My bones, my soul,
my heart aches,
I don't know,
how much more I can take.

Help me please,
I need your love,
Help me God,
If you are above.

Narcissistic or Snobby?

Um.. I never thought about it, maybe I'm just a snob. Check this QUIZ out!


Your Snob-O-Meter score is 39%. Sorta snobby. You can be relaxed and accepting of those that don't fit your criteria for being "cool", but you also have the occasional bout of superiority. Perhaps there are certain things that matter more to you than others, or you just get in a snobby mood from time to time. Whatever the case, you should refrain from judging others on superficial qualities. Don't judge a book by its cover. You don't know what fabulous and fascinating people you might discount just because they're not wearing the right brand of socks. Of course, this semi-snob attitude might get you a better job with a bigger paycheck. Snobs tend to have more self-confidence which means they get to call the shots. Watch out for those bouts of humility which are the hallmarks of a loser and can spell disaster in this dog-eat-dog world.


But anyway.. had fun with N. my crush. He's soo sweet adorable, and really fun to talk to. I always feel good when we chat. I flirted with him way too much today though. He said he liked it, and didn't mind. Feels weird, cuz.. part of me.. wants to say to him. "I'd love to meet you." and part of me is like, don't bother nothing would come of it. I dunno. He's a little shy, so I tend to be the aggressor. I dunno, I just don't want to scare him off. I'm just going to enjoy our chats for now. Not sure what else to say, as he has the link to this, and I wonder how often he reads it. :)

SMILE.. :)

Tears

Not sure where to start. I pretty much hate everything, and see no reason to live today, but I know in my head, that tommorrow, I will probably feel differently. I feel so lost and alone. I'm out of the loop. Partly because I'm sick, and then, also my car is at the garage, I've not seen any of my friends. I don't like this. I've been housebound.. for a while now. Seeing my family doesn't help. I just want to know someone loves me. I was supposed to hang out with M. today, but well, I guess he didnt want to hang out. I don't really understand, I know we were supposed to go for a walk and its crappy weather, and tooo damn cold. BUt.. in my head I thought he'd want to hang out anyway. I miss hanging with him, and the boys. I miss him even more. I don't know why. Maybe cuz when I'm with him, I feel loved. I feel like someone cares. I don't feel like that much anymore. I just feel tired of trying. I feel so alone. I have so many friends, but none of them can provide me with what I need. I can't provide it for myself. I don't know how. I wish I did.

All i want to do is cry, I have tears in my eyes. I'm talking with C. and I find how much I don't understand him, and his life. He wants to be with me.. and I can't say what I want, because I don't know. Part of me, doesn't him, and part of me wants to. Part of me wants to go to Romania.. and meet him. I know we would get along great. But I don't know. I don't think I could ever go there.

I just want someone to talk to right now.. and I have noone to call. Makes me feel useless, like I have no friends. I just want to push the ones I do have away. I hurt so much right now. I don't know what to do about it. I'll just stay here.. and cry.

Heart

Not sure what to say or where to begin. I've already been feeling really down.. and well. ... This guy I like.. well more than like, whose been part of my life for over 3 years, told me that he didn't think of me as any more than a friend. Hearing those words was hard. Part of my heart hurts. I knew that nothing would ever become of it anyway because of our lives, but hearing him say that. It took him a while too, I asked him 2 days ago, how he felt about me. He told me today. I know part of why he didn't want to tell me. I'm sure he thinks I'm so fragile, and I'd react badly. I'm not going to slit my wrists or anything, but I have tears I'm trying to hold back until I go to bed, so I can be alone with my thoughts. I've been so anxious and depressed lately. I just want to know someone loves me. I think that is my problem. I can't think of any more to say, feeling so hurt.

Me

Fuck.
Its me.
I look in the mirror,
and I see..
This scared little girl,
Thats me.

Who is she?
What does she want to be?
Who is she?
Is she really me?

How can I be sure?
How do I know if i'm real?
I hate this,
but this is the way that I feel.

I'm hurting,
and dying inside,
I'm hurting, and
my feelings I do hide.

I hide them from myself,
I'll hide them from you.
I want to share them,
but not sure how to.

Hot or Not

I have a couple profiles there now.. but here's my newest one. I'm bored tonite, can't you tell.

Borderline Article

I guess one of the easiest ways to pass on some good information is my blog. If anyone has time... I hope they take the time to read this. It's an article about cutting. When i read it, I felt like it could explain cutting a little better than I could. I feel like it is a great article, but, it did trigger me a bit. This is the first time, I've really read anything that was a trigger. Probably because I'm already moody about alot of things going on in my life.. and this just added to it.

I find it so hard that noone can truely understand me. I know so people that actually wish that they could. Its so hard, because I don't even understand me. I feel like I'm really messed up right now. I hate that feeling. I just want to go back to feeling ok again, mentally, emotionally .. .. and physically.

Weekends

Well, from what the test said yesterday. I'm not pregnant. I'll know all the official results in two weeks. Also got the Hep B vaccine, which is a good thing. Stupid me also burnt my foot on the heater yesterday. OUCH.. it hurts.. but.. anyway.. as soon as I got out of the clinic.. and J. got home. . he called me. I can't figure him out. We break up, and now he wants to see me again. I heard some stuff today, from my aunt, about his sister, and his mom.. and well.. its no wonder, his family is about as fucked up as mine.. (if not worse). Just makes me wonder... cuz I can't figure him out. Cuz after the other nite .. when I confronted him.. about even wanting to be in a relationship with me.. I just felt better about the whole thing cuz it was over.

Anyway.. not sure what to think about life right now. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. I started to update my resume, that went well. Have almost all the info I need, but need to really update my references. Trying to decide who to keep on there and who to change, as I haven't even communicated with the people on there for years. Asked my aunt to pick me up an application from Adelphia. She said she would try.. we will see. If not, I'll just have to go over there sometime. Debating, talking to Tops, about my job back. .. debating where I want to move.. what I want to do. Not sure I want to stay around here.. but not sure I want to leave all by myself either. Have to get my whole car situation figured out first. We will see.

Not much else to say for now.

I look into the sky
and what do I see.
I see my life looking
back at me.

Reality, or dreams
come true,
somehow,
they rarely do.

I'm looking down on
my life.
Trying not to think,
about the knife.

Hard to do,
but I can...
I know it..
Its easier than...

I think.

falalallal

I'm a fucked up mess. I'm going crazy. I've been on a high for a few weeks now, and well.. now its dropping. Maybe cuz of lack of going to the gym, or that my pretending is just getting to me. Do I pretend, or did those things.. not bother me. Do i pretend they don't bother me? Who knows. I don't anymore. I have no idea who I am. Or why I am.. or what..

I've been on such a good high.. feeling soo good... and today.. I'm crying.. and want to curl in a ball.. and die. All I can think about is that pregnancy test on Thursday. And what if.. and if I am.. what am I doing to my baby now, not letting the Doctor know I mite be pregnant and I'm on all these meds. I'm such a fuck up. Maybe I'm not, but I feel like it right now. I just want to know.. that I'm not pregnant.. and then be able to move on , and make some choices from there. I don't know if being with J. is even good for me. I feel like no matter what , no relationship will ever satisfy me... because they never care what I want or need. I mean.. all I want is some love and compassion. I want to be listened to. I feel like I give much in return. I am very loving. I would give you the world if I could. I would give you my anything... and all I want to know is that you love me.. and are honest and faithful to me. That is too much to ask.... for some people. Just I don't understand, why these two particular men could give me the attention I wanted before we dated, but then when I start dating them, its like I'm no longer of importance. Is this my ..thing.. or theirs.. I mean.. are they really paying less attention? or do I expect more attention? I'm not sure. I just don't get it. I just want them to follow thru. Call me.. when you say you will call, email when you say you will email. Call me and see how I'm doing... DON'T YOU CARE? I've been so sick lately.. and I feel like noone even.. notices... I hate it.. i wish I'd just stop breathing sometimes. Its scary cuz I feel like with this asthma, that I will just stop breathing.. and noone will notice.. and I can see myself in the coffin.. and.. its so unreal.


I just don't know what to tell myself to feel better. Maybe just to be single again, and not have any expectations.. cuz the expectations I have of myself are too much already, I shouldn't expect anyone else to live up to them. I just wish I didn't want so much.. but then I don't feel like I'm asking for so much. I mean... I'm used to seeing my bf almost everyday.. or talking to him.. and I hardly see mine. Its stupid. I want more time. I want more everything. I will never be happy. I shouldn't say that. CUZ.... I Will be HAPPY one day. I will be..

I cried as I wrote that. Right now.. it feels so off, but I remember feeling yesterday, as if I was happier than I had been in a while, despite all that was going on. I hate being borderline. I forget the feelings I felt. I forgot.. everything. I forget my own happiness even if it was five minutes ago. It makes me sick that I can be so fucked up, but then.. I feel sooo NORMAL ( (i hate that word) sometimes.... I mean.. I could pass for a normal person. .. but.. what is normal?

I dunno.. I just want to curl up.. in a ball.. and have someone that loves me.. put their arms around me and tell me it will be alright.. and gentle stroke my hair.. until i fall asleep.. and I feel their lips.. gently touch my forehead.. as they tuck me in bed..

I just want to feel loved, and wanted, and needed.

I need to be needed. It is what makes me happy.

Rampage

Emotions rampage
I feel like I'm in a cage
all alone,
nowhere to roam.

No freedom,
No food,
No fear,
No face....

Nothing to see,
nowhere to be,
But in this cage,
alone.

Anywhere but here,
I'd rather fear,
this cage,
than open space.

BAD BLOGGER

I'm such a bad blogger... least I've been keeping busy.. Great THING!! I did blog last week, but then, got a phone call and had to go offline.. and lost what I wrote. STupid me.. tried hitting post and publish when offline.. and grrr.. it dissappeared..
so.. I guess... I have alot of updating to do, so.. years down the road when I read this, I can remember..what the hell i was going thru at this point in my life.

So... M. and I dated.. for a little while later, things just started getting, where I wasn't happy, partly cuz I knew there was no real future involved for us ( I know, too much too soon) but when I get with someone, I want to know that potential is there, marriage, kids.. and with M. I knew it would never be. He's a great guy, but we parted on good terms, and are still friends and all that good stuff. He's still my sweetie. :) He's been there for me still even after we broke up. It hurt more than I thought it would, but I'm pretty much ok with it. Partly because while M. and I were seeing each other, his friend started paying attention to me.. and well things sort of happened that shouldn't have. M. considers that we were in an open relationship.. so it didn't bother him.. on my end, but I still think of my reasoning.. behind it.. and can't really justify it. But.. so J, the friend.. and I started spending time together... though he had a gf that lived out of town (in Ohio).. and.. then M. and I broke up, and agreed to be friends.. and J's gf broke up with him.. and now J and I are dating. That has only been a few days, though. Since Saturday.

Though since Saturday, I feel he's not been too good of a bf, but.. time will always tell. Shit happens right. I've been really busy, so I haven't dwelled on it, like I did with M. I made M. .. or tried to make him the center of my life, and that is the last thing he wanted in the world. Communication.. well.. is one of my troubles..and I have a hard time.. really opening up to J. I am just annoyed.. right now..cuz i wanted to talk to him.. on Sat morning.. and asked him to not go to bed.. and he just went to bed.. without.. talking to me first.. Then.. last nite.. I was in Bradford late. . so I thought I'd stop and see him.. and couldnt get ahold of him.. and he never called me like he said he would.. blah men. Oh well. I've been busy, with the gym.. and doctors.

DOCTORS... Dare and I have been sick. She had pneonemia, she's fully recovered, and just went to the Dr last nite, and has a slight head cold. You wouldn't know the girl was in the hospital, she even gained 2lbs !! She's such a riot. Me, on the other hand, I've been to the ER twice, and the DR.. once..and going again here in a few minutes.. they say... "bronchiiis, no.. ur asthma. " I'm on steriods, that kill my stomache.. and inhalers.. and.. my allergie meds.. and a decongestant.. and etc.. I HATE IT.

SPeaking of meds. I ran out of LExapro a few weeks.. or a month ago or something, havent noticed anything from that. Well, ran out of the Topamax yesterday, so we will see if it did anything for my mood. I'd rather not be on it. I will try to go to partial on Thursday, depends on what Sally is doing. (my aunt is coming up TODAY.. YEAH!!!.. i miss her) and let them know about the meds and stuff. I haven't been to therapy.

Overall, I think I'm doing ok. I had my middle of the month episode. I think you should just put in me in a straight jacket from around the 13th of the month to the 19th or so. I've noticed a pattern in my SI (self injure, and suicidal) tendicies. I've not been sleeping much. I went to bed after midnite last nite.. and was up at 7:30 this morning. I feel good to go. This could be because of many things. My going to the gym and losing weight, being sick, I blame mania... (who knows--never been diagnosed bipolar..but .... ) or.. i've even though.. of .. what is that SADD.. the seasonal disorder..where because of the lighting and the sun. I notice now, when i wake up in the AM, because the sun is up, I smile, because it feels good, to see the sun, rather than the dark when getting up. The weather, though a little dreary, is getting soooo much better. Its very nice to see.

Well hoping to find more time for my blog. It is one of the best therapies.. for both myself and for my friends to help me thru the tough times. If I keep things bottled up inside.. that is when I explode. I don't want to explode anymore. I just want to be happy, and to live my life, the way it needs to be lived. I want to do something with it. Wish me luck.

NAS I CAN

[Kids-x2]I know I can (I know I can)Be what I wanna be (be what I wanna be)If I work hard at it (If I work hard it)I'll be where I wanna be (I'll be where I wanna be)[Nas]Be, B-Boys and girls, listen upYou can be anything in the world, in God we trustAn architect, doctor, maybe an actressBut nothing comes easy it takes much practiceLike, I met a woman who's becoming a starShe was very beautiful, leaving people in aweSinging songs, Lina Horn, but the younger versionHung with the wrong personGotta astrung when I heard whenCocaine, sniffing up drugs, all in her noseCoulda died, so young, now looks ugly and oldNo fun cause now when she reaches for hugs people hold they breathCause she smells of corrosion and deathWatch the company you keep and the crowd you bringCause they came to do drugs and you came to singSo if you gonna be the best, I'ma tell you howPut your hand in the air and take the vow[Chorus - 2x (Nas and Kids)]I know I can (I know I can)Be what I wanna be (be what I wanna be)If I work hard at it (If I work hard it)I'll be where I wanna be (I'll be where I wanna be)[Nas]Be, B-Boys and girls, listen againThis is for grown looking girls who's only tenThe ones who watch videos and do what they seeAs cute as can be, up in the club with fake IDCareful, 'fore you meet a man with HIVYou can host the TV like Oprah WinfreyWhatever you decide, be careful, some men beRapists, so act your age, don't pretend to beOlder than you are, give yourself time to growYou thinking he can give you wealth, but soYoung boys, you can use a lot of help, you knowYou thinkin life's all about smokin weed and iceYou don't wanna be my age and can't read and writeBegging different women for a place to sleep at nightSmart boys turn to men and do whatever they wishIf you believe you can achieve, then say it like this[Chorus]Be, be, 'fore we came to this countryWe were kings and queens, never porch monkeysIt was empires in Africa called KushTimbuktu, where every race came to get booksTo learn from black teachers who taught Greeks and RomansAsian Arabs and gave them gold whenGold was converted to money it all changedMoney then became empowerment for EuropeansThe Persian military invadedThey heard about the gold, the teachings and everything sacredAfrica was almost robbed nakedSlavery was money, so they began making slave shipsEgypt was the place that Alexander the Great wentHe was a'shocked at the mountains with black facesShot up they nose to impose what basicallyStill goes on today, you see?If the truth is told, the youth can growThey learn to survive until they gain controlNobody says you have to be gangstas, hoesRead more learn more, change the globeGhetto children, do your thingHold your head up, little man, you're a kingYoung Princess when you get your wedding ringYour man is saying "She's my queen"[Chorus x2]Save the music y'all, save the music y'allSave the music y'all, save the music y'allSave the music

The Panic Attack Dream

I don't want to retype it, so I'm just going to cut and paste what I wrote to my group earlier. I'm really disturbed by this... and if anyone has any ideas on how to help me with this.. please do. :)

Hello all,

HOpe everyone is safe, and know that I am too. I'm so upset today. I want to say I'm doing better than I have been. I found myself even giving myself a positive pep talk today, even without trying. I couldn't believe it. I'm usually so negative. I had my first Panic attack today, and I'm not even sure it can really be called so. I had it in a dream. I'm still so freaked out about it, and don't know what to do. I have anxiety about using my bf's bathroom now, luckily it happened at his house.. but still, its really hard. In the dream, I go into the bathroom, and I'm standing there in my pajamas, and my head is wrapped in a towel, ( the bathroom is blue), I turn around and latch the bathroom door, that have a little lock thingy. I stand in the middle, (it a large bathroom) as I stand in the middle of the bathroom I realize its not his bathroom,and I my heart starts to beat fast, and I am getting really really hot, I don't know what to do. The towel falls from my head.. and the room starts spinning.. then the towel is on my head.. my heart is beat faster and faster.. i feel paralized.. i can't move.. i can't speak, I'm so hot.. and scared, and I have to go to the bathroom... and this bathroom isn't Mikes.. and the towel falls.. again.. and i try to get it. . but its still on my head.. and I'm so hot.. I want to rip my clothes off.. but I'm afraid someone will see me naked, but i know, this isn't his bathroom and is seems so real, and I have to go to the bathroom, and the room is spinning and I'm so hot.. and I'm trying to scream.. and trying to scream.. and I want out and I just can't move... and I don't know what to do... and then I hear a scream.. and I feel the bed underneath me... and I feel my heart pound.. and I'm awake... And I just lay there... i feel like its had to breath.. and I"m alone in my boyfriends bed, and I know hes in the other room, but I"m so scared, of what is going to happen, and did I really scream, or was it part of the dream.. and I just lay there, and my heart is just pounding.. I've never felt anything so scary in my life.. So i go into the other room.. and my boyfriend looks at me.. and I ask him.. did i scream and he says.. yes.. and I tell him a little bit about it.. and I tell him I'm scared to go to the bathroom.. but.. I go anyway... I'm so scared something is going to happen, but I know that my fear is unrealistic.. but my heart pounds faster as I walk into the bathroom anyway.. and everytime i think of the blue bathroom, just as I am now.. I feel the same fear.. I felt.. After I went back to bed.. I think I cried for about an hour.. trying to tell myself not to be scared. I don't understand. I don't want to dream these things, or feel this things. I don't like things that are beyong my control.. but who does. Does anyone have anything helpful that they do, when they experience things like this... ??

Still not sure what to think

So far everyone I've talked to thinks its ok that I explore my sexuality. I'm glad that's cool with them, but I'd explore it anyway... Since I'm finally open to the idea... or rather I finally found someone else open to the idea. Though the one person, I'm really attracted to, I really can't open the idea up to. It's rather scary. I don't even know how she would react or say or think or.. anything. I wouldn't want anything in our friendship to change, so I think I'd rather not change anything.

But as for the men in my life.. First I want to thank Michel.. ( I LOVE HIM.. heheh) he fixed my blog comments... so comment away folks.. and tell me that I'm fucking crazy!! But.. really, about M. and C. I don't know if my decisions were good ones, but i'm trying to ride them out. I gave up my emotional support for something more physically with a little emotional support. Is that wrong. Whose to say. M. makes me feel good none the same, but he's not commited to me like C. was, and I know I shouldn't compare, but I don't like that. Commitment is important to me, I just don't know how commited he is to me. I know that I am always the more commited one in the relationship and I'm used to that, but I've never been in a relationship like this one. He told me it was ok if I had sex with his best friend, because I found him attractive. I was floored, and well still am. I can't figure him out. I don't think men were ment to be figured out though. Oh well.

I wish I could figure out my emotions, as much as I think I'm scared to settle down and get married, that is what I've always wanted, and well, even if I was with M. for like 25 years, I could never see that happening, before he said a word about his feelings on marriage.. I said to Lisa, he's not the marrying type.. and oh.. was I so right. Was I wrong to trade what I had with C. for what I have for M? But.. was what I had for C... even real? I was emotional connected to him on a high level though, the thing is, when I play my games.. ( I don't purposely try to play them, I do it sometimes without realizing it) he plays them back and we end up fighting. With M. he just lets me. .. and ends up being brutally honest, and well I usually am able to tell him.. what I wanted to tell him in the first place. With C. and I .. its just a pushing struggle, we both have emotional problems.. and don't ever know what to do.

Harder.. than how I was feeling about the breakup between me and C. is how my daughter was taking it. Her and C were close. Though only on webcam and chat, they talked and typed.. and webcam chatted.. she seemed to really adore him. and was glad I was going to marry him. She really wants a brother or sister. And although M. might like her, I don't see them ever having the connection that C and Darian share. It makes me sad, because I feel like I've broke her little heart.

Looking forward to seeing Shannon this weekend. Hope I get some time to hang out with her. :) I never get enough time. Hopefully my car will be fixed soon. Who knows.

Men.. Women.. and other Crossdressing Havoc

Surely.. or not really.

Who knows. All I know, is that I'm an emotional mess. I don't know what I'm doing, or if what I have done is right, or if what I want to do is right. I still think of C. almost every day. I miss our daily chats, (not the fights), and that is something M. just doesn't fulfill. He's not there for me on a daily basis. Rarely on a weekly basis. I am beginning to like the relationship between me and M, better when it was friends, he emailed me daily, and made time for me often. I don't feel like he has the time for me now. Then again, when I think of it, I feel like I always ask too much of the other person when I'm in a relationship, and that bothers me. Why do I always feel like that, why do my needs not matter, why am I so needy. I don't get it. I wish I did. I just don't know where I'm going, and although, I'm enjoying myself, I'm not sure I'm making the best choices in my life. Who knows, only time will tell. I know I do need something more though... I'm in the search for it though.

Realized, I'm out of my one med, not anything I can really do, kind of glad, its the depression med. Still on the moods stabilizer. Good thing. I haven't had as many of my rages lately. Looking forward to going to the gym tommorrow. Finally getting some bills paid, and getting a few things done. I have to quit procrastinating.

One other thing I've been exploring is my sexuality. I have a tendency to believe that I may be a little more than bi-curious. Not sure if this is a surprise to anyone. I'm not sure really what to make of it. I want to experiment, and now I am free to do so, I'm just not sure how this will effect my life. I can't ever see myself in a serious lesbian relationship, mostly because that is not the way you should raise children, but I always wonder how other people view this situation.

Stuff

In my closet in my head...
um.. just too much stuff going on in my head. I am thinking too many thoughts about the relationship between me and M. Too many things about the future, and what allready has happened. Both good and bad. I wonder where this is leading, and know that it is going nowhere, and wonder why I want to just see where it goes. Then I wonder why I say this to myself, and wonder if he will read this, and if he does, what will he say or not say. I wonder how he really feels about me, and whether he likes to spend time with me. I wonder why he's attracted to me, I wonder why he agreed to date me, or why he even wants to date in the first place. I always well, my goal in dating was always to get married, until now, and now, I don't know what to do with myself. Just kind of sit back and watch what happens. Enjoy the relationship, while it lasts. The thing is, he doesn't seem to mind if we have alone time, and I think that bothers me. Don't most guys want to get their girlfriends alone, so they can have their way with them? I just find some of the ways he is strange, and can't quite figure it out. I wonder if I'll ever figure out what it is I really need in a relationship, or if I'll ever find my true love, if that even exists. I feel like M. is more up for a more open relationship, or isn't ready for a commitment, but don't understand, why I felt obligated to dump C. I don't understand why M and I spend more time with his friends than we do alone. I enjoy his friends alot, they are great, but.. I want to spend time with M, while I have the chance to be alone, because soon, we wont have a chance in hell to be alone. Because he lives with his parents and I live with my gram. I guess, maybe.. I feel cheated because, maybe on an importance level, he is more important to me, in my life, than I am in his. I can't say for sure, because I can't read his mind, but that is how I feel. Maybe that goes back to the whole thing, him saying that he is selfish, maybe he was right, and he is.. who knows, its not for me to say or to judge. I just know, that I felt more important in his life, when we were just "friends". If that is saying much. That isn't exactly right either, he's been there for me alot, its just frustrating.. ..

Anyway... dropped another pound, went to the gym today, first time in over a week, felt good, but I'm exhausted, can't wait to go to the gym. Even ate less than 1, 000 calories today, and am stuffed!! whoo hooo. ( THanks LISA) I've had a pretty good day, had too many mood swings though. Wish they would stop swinging. Well, I'm off.

Doing ok

Everything seems to be going ok. Moods are still swinging. I felt really suicidal on Thursday, even went as far as writing a suicide note. The sad thing is, both my mother and grandmother told me to do it. The one thing that stopped me was the fact that my daughter, well my aunt and I don't have the papers drawn up for my aunt to take my daughter. In a month when she comes up, that will be done. I hope that I don't feel suicidal then. I have spent the weekend with M. and his friends, and that has kept me busy, it actually keeps my mind off all the stupid things in my life and is rather enjoyable. They are really fun. It is nice to spent time away, and not have to worry about Darian also. I was moving in with my mother, but she pretty much kicked me out already, so I'm going back with my gram. Its ok, I'll suivive, I just hope she doesn't give me too hard of a time about the whole M. thing, because I still want to spend time with him. I didn't want to spend time in the hospital, nor with my grandma or mom, I would of felt even more suicidal. I feel safe around him. It's nice to feel safe. I feel like I've known his friends forever and can kid and joke with them, just like they have been my friends forever.

I'm looking forward to seeing Shannon next weekend. :) I miss her so much. I have to get her present ready from Christmas time. We will see if I get that done. Will try to post more later, actually in the middle of a game with the boys..

:)

Update... and Parenting

Lots of new things on my end.. too much to post. I went away for the weekend with my "friend" M. and had a blast, we are now dating. I completely broke things off with C. That was hard, but it had to be done. I have to start figuring out what all that I want and need, and start fulfilling those needs. My relationship with C. wasn't fulfilling that. He helped me thru alot in this past year, and I will always remember that.

The big thing that is on my mind though, is parenting, how some people chose and some don't. Well I didn't. I did choose to keep my daughter however, and the first few years, were hard, but I loved her so much, and now.. I just don't feel that I'm good for her anymore and I don't know what to do. I am really getting tired of people telling me that I'm a good mother, and what would she do without me. I'm not saying I don't want to be part of her life, I'm just saying, I'm not doing good, being her soul support. I'm always crabby with her, for the last year, I loose my patience so easily with her, and I just see our relationship getting worse and worse. I mean, well for example... Probably in the last year.. I can count on my hands the number of times that I have bathed her by myself, that is just one of those things that I either forget, or just don't take the time to do, or something.. I really don't know what it is. I gave her a bath last week, but before that.. I really haven't . I only gave her a bath then, because she had peed all over. My gram usually gives her a bath here, before that, I always asked Wil to make sure she got a bath. Sure... I always make sure she's dressed, and gets to school.. and stuff like that, but is it enough? I don't think so. I feel like I will never get where I need to be, I will never be able to provide for her like I need to if I can't get away from her. I hate saying this, but in reality, I really in a way.. want to get rid of her. Not in the sense some people think. My aunt would take care of her for me, I know this, and it would be ideal. But would it be fair. WOuld it be fair for anyone involved. Would it make things better? or worse? I dunno, I'm so confused.. and noone seems to listen to me when I say I can't handle parenting anymore.. They just don't get it. I feel like noone understands. Maybe because I don't understand. I don't understand, how... I can go from never wanting to be away from my baby, to hardly being able to stand being around her. And its not because she's a bad.. girl.. She is .. and always has been a good girl.. she's so perfect.. so loving.. so beautiful. I just don't want to mess her up, and I see it happening already. I hate myself for it. I just want to make her life better. And I can't do that the way I am now. I just can't.

Men

I had a nice long talk with C. today. Wasn't supposed to have that tommorrow. He wants me to come to Romania. I'm scared. I can't say that I'm not. I'm frightened, but not for any real reason, just for the anxieties in my head. I told him more details about me and M. He said no matter what he'd always be there. I'd like to believe that, but I'm scared. As much as I like M. I feel he is not the one for me. It feels so good to have his attention, and to feel his warmth, he pays so much attention to me, something I've not had in a long time. I don't want to be alone right now. Right before I started talking to M. I was planning my death again. I didn't really tell this to anyone. Why would I. I really wanted to die. I was going to get a gun. I was getting over my anxieties. I was going to buy the gun when I got my tax money back. I realized, not because of M. or because of C. but because of some other events that happened.... that I do want to live, but I have a lot of things to figure out. But without people like M. and my other friend R. to talk to me, and flirt with me, and soothe me.. I don't think I would of lasted long... I was going down hill, really fast. Really really fast.

Now, I'm losing weight.. I smile and laugh more. I'm trying to enjoy working out, and I'm trying to make plans for the future. I'm hoping things will change for the better, I just have to try and be more optimistic.

But then, I still have problems, what to do with M., what to do with C... or do I just sit back, and see what happens. Let fate take its toll. I dunno, have to talk to M. I wrote him a long email tonite, we will see what he says.. .

Other than that... been.. over 36 hours, since I've had caffeine or soda!! Hooray!! and I'm down another pound. I'm beginning to think, maybe some of my anxieties about going to Romania.. has to do with my weight... maybe.. (no. probably) I make such a big deal about it with C. cuz I'm not happy with it.. but.. who knows..

Confusing thoughts

My life I find it more confuseing day by day. I've been enjoying it more though. I've been spending time with a new friend, M., who is very kind and gentle. The thing is... I still love, C., my ex fiance, I still hold him deep in my heart. He's been there thru so much for me. Although none of it physical, that is what I've been needed and craving for many months now. I've found what I've been needing in M. I find this hard, because although I want to satisfy my own needs, I don't want anyone else to be hurt. I've not felt suicidal for almost a week now, it is such a relief. I've not cut for almost two weeks. The cuts are almost all healed.

I do feel such turmoil inside. Do I wait forever, in hopes that C. and I may be together, and what about all this fighting we've been doing. ANd all my issues with him thinking I'm fat. I usually don't have self confidence issues around men. I know that men find me attractive, and I don't usually feel fat around them. I've not had men that tell me they love me.. tell me that I'm fat. I just don't get it. I guess part of it.. is that I'm very high maintenence. I enjoy alot of attention. I'm very emotional. I'm very needy. Is this because I'm borderline or just because I'm Julie.

Who is Julie? I'm starting to figure that out.

Julie??

Julie Ann Lathrop.. Born February 15th 1979, Port Allegany PA...
Is almost 25 years old
Likes-Basketball, Drawing, Sketching, Basketball, Playing Computer Games, Chatting, Porn.. heheh (YES i said Porn.. I do enjoy it.. I admit.. Of both men and women), Dirty Jokes, Clean Jokes, Poetry, Reading, Driving, Dreaming, Talking, Kissing,
Favorite Colors- Purple ( then.. Purple w/ Pink and Blue) and Black
Favorite Food- Pizza w/ lots of Cheese
Favorite Cartoon- Smurfs
Favorite Item- Harley Blanket

I've realized, I do have an identity... though, sometimes I realize I don't. When I'm with people. I tend to like to do the things they are doing. Is there anything wrong with that? Do I give up who I am to do that? I don't think I am. Borderline Personality Disorder says I do. I don't get it. I just find I am an easy going person, that enjoys many things.

Back to the men..thing.. am I being selfish.. or just stupid.. I don't know. I don't know what it is I really want. I thought I did. I do know, I need this thing, whatever it is, between me and Mike, I like it. Its enjoyable. I do know I love C. with all my heart. As for my feelings for M. I don't know him well enough yet. I enjoy his company, and I am very attracted to him. I plan on spending as much time with him as I am able, because I feel this is something I need. For once, I don't feel pressure by a man, to please him.. or anything like that. I get enjoyment out of his company. I feels wonderful.

Something New

Went out last nite. Had a great time. Went with my new friend M., first to a Greek Restaurant, which was cozy and wonderful. I had veal with mushrooms(yuck) and artichoke hearts(first time for everything again.. but not the best thing in the world) with some pasta.. which tasted great. Also tried grape leaves, which were really really wierd. After that went to the mall, got some Italian ice cream, gelato I think its called, peanut butter... it was great.. yummy (so much for the diet.. hahah) walked around the mall (my feet are killing me.. lol -damn high heels) went to Electronic Boutique, one of my fav places in the mall. Didn't really see any new games out though. Had a good deal on Cruise Ship Tycoon though, 15 dollars I think. I wish I had money to spend on a new game... like I need a new game. Then.. after that, thought we could catch at 9 o'clock movie, so went to I think its called On Cue... its a music place right by the theatre and checked out the music. Went to the theatre only to find out the movie didn't start till 10. So.. we decided to buy our tickets, and he was out of ideas, So I suggested we go hang at Wally World.. lol (Wal-Mart). So we browsed the toys, played with a few, sword faught, and talked about stories of the good ole days.. and I told him stories of my daughter.. and stuff like that. It was fun. Then we went and watched the movie, Big Fish. Good Movie!! Two Thumbs up.. hehehe.. It was both funny and romantic, wasn't expecting the romantic part. Good film for both chics and guys.. lol. Well.. after the movie.. I went to the bathroom.. (of course) and went to wash my hands.. and they had auto faucets.. AUTO my ass.. they wouldn't work. So i came out.. (with soap in my hand.. and was like M. any men in that bathroom. ... he was like no.. I went in the mens.. and it wouldn't work either. I was ticked.. LIke what the hell.. NO running water? So.. I came out and there was the water fountain..and he suggested i rinse there.. and so I did.. so if you ever taste soap.. blame it on someone like me.. lol SO after that I was looking for the manager.. and No.. employers were anywhere.. what luck
blah All is well that ends well.. It was a great nite!!

Sooo.. although last nite I didn't get much sleep because I had to get up very early to take my gram to my Uncle (great) Alvin's funeral, I'm doing alright. In pretty good spirits. Thought about guns, but no suicidal intentions. No cuttings. Was glad to see family I hadn't seen in years. I was lucky. Got pulled over by a police man for not having a inspection sticker, and he realized I had Kansas plates and apoligized for his mistake and let me go. Thank God. Because I don't have insurance on my car, and would of been in big trouble. Somebody was with my today. I have to say in the last 24 hours I have been a very lucky woman. Even though, I did get my car stuck in the deep snow in front of my mothers house.. and had to wait 3-4 hours for my step dad to come home and help me get it out.. and it (of course) only took him.. well like 2 minutes to get it unstuck.. lol (MEN... LOL)

Well anyway.. enough of my adventures.
My spirits are bright, although my mind/heart/spirit/ are a bit confused as to what to do in my future and to what path do I chose. So.. . I know.. to just move forward slowly .. and we will just see what happens. Wish me luck.

BPD and Life

I had a sort of understanding with myself today. How long it will last is beyond me though. I come to the conclusion, that I don't want to die today. I don't like to cut either, but it gives me something I don't already have. The feeling of being alive. The feeling of pain that can be seen.

I still don't know how to figure out how to deal with all this damn pain. But somewhere between this stupid movie we watched at partial by some La Roche lady, and the information, aand just my mind thinking today.. I've figured it out. Also figured out why I don't get anxiety meds, em.. that is because.. most of the good ones are narcotic based..and addictive.. I don't think.. that would be a good thing for me.. heheh..

Well all this thinking made my brain hurt. I still think of the gun, but.. it doesn't feel as as good as a thought. Its hard though, when those thoughts go thru your head, whether you want them to or not. Its hard to even know how that feels unless you go thru it. Like, I couldn't ever imagine what it is like to hear voices, and I crack up everytime the doctor asks me that.. and.. well.. its scary for the people that experience it.

Well.. thats all folks...

Some Music...

Still haven't found the Borderline Song I'm looking for.... pisses me off to no end, but found some others that jumped out at me.

Artist: Joni Mitchell
Album: Turbulent Indigo
Title: Borderline


Everybody looks so ill at ease
So distrustful so displeased
Running down the table
I see a borderline
Like a barbed wire fence
Strung tight, strung tense
Prickling with pretense
A borderline

Why are you smirking at your friend?
Is this to be the night when
All well-wishing ends?
All credibility revoked?
Thin skin, thick jokes!
Can we blame it on the smoke
This borderline?

Every bristling shaft of pride
Church or nation
Team or tribe
Every notion we subscribe to
Is just a borderline
Good or bad, we think we know
As if thinking makes things so!
All convictions grow along a borderline

Smug in your jaded expertise
You scathe the wonder world

And you praise barbarity
In this illusionary place--
This scared hard-edged rat race
All liberty is laced with
Borderlines

Every income, every age
Every fashion-plated rage
Every measure, every gauge
Creates a borderline
Every stone thrown through glass
Every mean-streets-kick ass
Every swan caught on the grass
Will draw a borderline

You snipe so steady
You snub so snide--
So ripe and ready
To diminish and deride!
You're so quick to condescend
My opinionated friend
All you deface, all you defend
Is just a borderline
Just a borderline ...
Another borderline ...
Just a borderline



Artist: Jane
Album: Close up and real
Title: Borderline


She hit the borderline
The day she finally crossed the line and spoke
Without the hope
That had her choked till now

And swiftly to her head came
All the comfort she’d been fed
And she recalled just how she’d bled
And how they’d watched her try

CHORUS:
Don’t take me for a fool
‘Cos I know the world is cruel
Don’t say it’s OK
All the good has gone away

And innocence it was her fire
For she believed that purity
Was all that was required
To live a better way

But there was for us
No place to hide
For that same day
A child died
Two boys were charged and questioned why
But they could not reply

CHORUS

We fall and call and we carry it all
Gathering on the way
We reach and we teach and how we love to preach
As long as our views can stay the same
As long as they stay the same

Not sure what to say..

Not sure what to say.. or think or feel. Feeling really shitty. My blood pressure is up, and it never is. I almost panicked in the doctors office today. They said I had to see The Dr.. instead of Bonnie... I almost cried... Finally got in there, talked with Bonnie.. I did get to see her..I spoke up, and was, I don't feel comfortable speaking with the Dr.(he's a male) and I was going to talk about birth control.

I tried to wear long sleeves, but.. I have nothing clean so well, of course she saw my fresh cuts on my arms from last nite. She asked, I just tried not to cry. I hate my life. So much. All I've wanted to do for days and day is cry and cry.

Got in a big fight with C. last nite. About the fat joke... he told me " break up with me then" and so I did. I haven't cried about it. I just wonder what he thinks and feels. And what happens from here. I feel like it was a sudden thing... I really wasn't going to, although I had thought of it, I just got so upset and pissed off, I didn't know what to do.

Life

What is it? WHy is it so aweful? Why does it hurt? Do all people really pretend they are happy? and if so... Why?

Life is fucked up, and I'm tired of being part of it. I wish it would all end. But.. without the gun, I find it impossible... so.. I'll just continue to cut, to help my stress level, until i'm so disfigured, noone will let me near them. They will lock me up in a room and throw away the key.. and there I will live happily after fucking ever after.

Can't think of anything to write, too tired. I'm off to bed.

How SLUTTY are you?

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How DUMB are you?

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How FAT are you?

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Please humor me..and sign up to be a vampire :)
http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=ZoeDraille

You, my friend are a true individual. You most
likely hate trends and are creative. By seeing
things differently, people either admire you or
think you are a bit strange. I'm guessing you
are a lot like me. Perhaps a Good Charlotte
hater? I hope so. An inspiration to us all,
continue being you! (If you like GC, I'm sorry,
I am just expressing an opinion)


A Deeper Look Inside Yourself (with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Daisy. You're just the opposite of Peach,
you're very down-to-earth and mabie even a
little athletic. You love to have fun. (plz
rate)


What Nintendo Charater are You? (pics)
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You're taffy!! You're a clever and kind person,
but you tend to hold grudges. You are not big
on dishing out forgiveness.


Which kind of candy are you?
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Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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You're Exotic Dancer Barbie. You have some moves,
and will do anything for a few bucks. Take it
off girl, but keep it PG-13 please.


If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
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Which deadly sin do you represent? (Angel Sanctuary Pics)
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Finally...

Finally a doctor agreed with me. I may not need medication for my depression. My depression is not.. a chemical imbalance.. its from my upbringing. Well duh, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and that is from the way I was brought up. Not learning to cope, not learning the emotional things I needed to develope. The Dr. didn't give me anythign for my anxiety, but he did start a mood stabilizer, Topomax, also a drug used for seizures. Hope it helps, one side effect of it is weight loss, and how could that be a bad thing.

I realize so much, I need to change my perception of life. I need to realize, although I wish I had a real family, it will never happen. My parents could never live up to my expectations, even if they wanted to. I always wanted to please them as a child. Now, I always wonder why. I've also realized, that as a child, I didn't realize these things that went on in my family were wrong. I feel stupid for that. I could of stopped alot of these things before they happened. But i guess I shouldn't keep saying.. If I would have.... that is the past.. I have to live for my future. I don't know what it is though. I don't know what I want it to be. I'm so confused on a daily basis. I can't make heads nor tails of anything in my life.

I've always wanted so much for my future. Always wanted things to be perfect. I know they can't be, but that doesn't stop me from wanting that.

If I had,
everything I wanted,
would my life be
so haunted?

Would I be scared,
of going somewhere new?
Would I always be crying?
And feeling blue?

I ask myself this question,
Almost every day,
I also ask my God,
and nothing he does say.

Am I all alone,
In this dark and lonely world,
Am I all alone,
Answer this I say,
I do not want to be alone,
I do not want to be alone.

Please save my life,
and my soul,
Please tell me where
I have to go..
So
that
I am
not
alone.

This is SOOOO RIGHT!!

for
in life....


What do you really wish for in life?
brought to you by Quizilla
You wish for love. If only it were true to be held
in the arms of one you love and never to be let
go....not ever. This is truly what you wish

Done.. only because the damn server messed up, and my gram is sweeping me to bed.. tata

You are a true nature girl!


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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I know.. God..will I ever get finished taking quizes today? Nope.. never.. oh wait.. i have to go to bed in a few minutes.. this sucks.. lol :) I'm trying to enjoy being bored.


You represent... apathy.
You don't really show any emotion. You can be
considered cruel and cold, but you just don't
really care about anything. This is just the
way you are... you're quite a challenge to get
close to, and others may perceive you as
boring.


What feeling do you represent?
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You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Pleas Vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
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cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Reincarnation: You are nice enough to go to heaven,
but Earth won't be as fun without you. So you
shall come back as someone or something else.
As a real optimist and lighthearted person, you
always see the good in things. People probably
respect you for your wonderful personality and
love for life. People like you make the world a
happier place (please rate my quiz)


**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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Thug Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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Wishing..

Wishing I could get my comments to work. Still can't. Mike, help me!!! I put the code in right!??!? I think. THE stupid side bar thingy.. the code was in right for his web site although it wouldnt ever work for me. The other day, I just looked at the code, it looked right, and republished it. .. and it worked.. AMAZING.. blah blah blah..

Anyway...

I think too much. Had a lot of thinking I could do though today, as I drove like for 5 or 6 hours today. It wasn't too bad of a drive and I got to help my friend D. get home with her new Baby Emily.

So, I've come to the conclusion.. (at least my opinion today--I tend to be fickle lately) That.. I cannot marry a man that thinks I'm fat. Ok.. not a big deal to some... but I've never had an issue on whether a man finds me attractive. I've always felt pretty (though I am too chubby), and never had a bf tell me different. Sure the boys at school picked on me a bit, but I always had a smartass comeback,and it never bothered me that much. Maybe cuz I wouldn't be having sex with them or anything. I mean.. I don't want to be making love to my husband.. and not enjoying it, cuz all I can think of is him saying, "Julie, You are fat, lose some weight, she lost weight, so go write that down on how she did it". I said it once, I'll say it again.. FUCK YOU.. I said that to C. Apparently hurt his feelings, but hey.. It hurt mine. One thing I dont tolerate well (other than lack of intelligence) is rudeness. Even said, trying to be funny, weight is not something you joke about to a woman. Especially a woman that has hormone problems. I dunno, small issue, but has a big effect on me. I know some are thinking.. Jae.. you have self esteem issues, and I do, to an extent, because I'll never think i'm good enough.. (and damn I know I'm fat) but, do I need my future husband, telling me what to eat, or what not to, and how I should lose weight. I KNOW how to lose weight, i've done it before. But when its a challenge to not sleep your day away cuz you have nothing to look forward to, how do you get the motivation to work out an hour a day? and to eat healthy. Food is the only thing really enjoyable.

Haven't played my game in weeks, don't talk to many people online. When I am online, I don't really enjoy it, cuz if i'm not multitasking, I get bored easily. And since I have dial up, I can't really do shit on my computer. The one things I enjoy lately are my two new friends, R. who chats with me on MSN (almost daily), and M. a friend of a friend, that emails me every day. Those are the two things I look forward to.

I want so much more. Not monetary.. or whatnot.. I just.. strive for more than this exsistance people call life. I wish I could understand my issues with God. I wish I could get over the fact that most people in my family don't love me or care, and that they will never change, no matter how much I pray that they could just love me and show me affection.

Its a sad life. A life without hope is hardly an existence. Life without hope is hell to me. Today I am partially glad I do have generalize anxiety disorder. I get scared going to new places by myself. Which prevents me from going to the gun shop and gettting a gun. Something any normal person, and even me could do, if I didn't have anxiety. So.. lately I've been thinking of asking (and hope to tommorrow) the Dr for some meds for my anxiety. I hate pills so I wonder deep down inside, that I think something will help, so I can take that trip to the gun shop. And that scares me. Without my anxiety, I'd be dead already. It saves me..but also prevents me from having a normal life. Its sooooo fucking scary.

Sadness

I cried as I read this post. My friend has written this about me. I feel sad, not sure if is because I know this hurts my friends, or because I don't feel this way today. Its hard for me to fathem, just a few days ago, I wanted to die, and today, other than being a little upset with my boyfriend, I'm ok. Not good, not bad, just living, breathing.. Still on my search,
I
My search for self. What is self? what will I find? Who the Hell am I? I really don't know the answer to any of my questions, I hope that I can find them one day though.

As for hope for the future, I'm still searching for that. I've actually been getting some things lately. Balanced the checkbook, made some calls. Have plans for next week. BUt I got to get out of here, before I get emotional again. I'm on my way to Dubois to pick up Danielle and the baby.

If I am cut, shall I bleed?

I sat here a few minutes ago, pulling the razor across my skin, it slowed my heartbeat, it slowed my breathing.. both which were rapid. I enjoy the feeling, as well as feel sick from it. WHat the fuck am I doing to myself... I find it sick, but strangely appealing at the same time.

What was going on. I felt depressed, angry.. and even a little suicidal.
Why? I feel like noone cares for me.. or even understands me. Everyone wants to think they understand me.. and I don't!! How can they understand me..better than I understand myself? I dont feel like they can.

I took Darian to a birthday party today. I had so much anxiety, and was so scared. I'd do anything for Darian though. I got thru it. I can still feel the fear in my stomach and chest though. I hate my emotions. I wish I could be numb. I wish they'd give me something to calm me down.

I think of suicide alot. Would I do again? ONly if I could get ahold of a gun. I'm serious. Just a permanent solution to a temporary problem.. the critics, and professionals would say. How long is a problem temporary. I've had these problems my whole life. They don't feel temporary to me. And I have BPD, that is not temporary, I'll have that label my whole FUCKING life. Why? because I fear abandonment, because I've been abandoned by my family many many times.... because I cut, and I don't know how to stop. Because I have relationship issues.. and cant' seem to meet anyone nice....

I hate my life, but can't figure out where the tools are to change it. What do I do? I do not know. I feel so scared, scared of myself mostly.. I feel so alone..

Please...
make it go
away

Surfing and Relaxing

Just surfing the web tonite.. looking at things.. like... The Straight Dope Archive, a book of writing called the Talmud which is something I had never heard of. From the link I got from another site, it talks of Jesus's real father.. but have yet to get a chance to read much about it. As it is waaay past 11 and I am very sleepy. I drove to Dubois today.. and it was a long journey.. mostly cuz everyone had to stop here and there and here and there before we left.
Also wandering the net.. checking my email.. and chatting with my friend S. from Wichita. She and her family are doing great!! oh.. and then took a quiz on what country I was.

You're Turkey!

You have a good deal of history behind you, both good and
bad, but through it all, you've become a leader among your friends.  You
have an uncanny ability to make friends with people who hate each other, though
sometimes you just hate them instead.  Surprisingly fickle, you keep a
good balance in your life between religion and humanism, but most people think
you're fanatical anyway.  You're Istanbul, you're
Constantinople.
Take
the Country Quiz at the href="http://bluepyramid.org">Blue Pyramid

OH.. what a beautiful day.... Beautiful People.. Beautiful People...

Anyway.. was doing some research on Euthansia for my sister, S. and ran across a cool essay. Also got to see that they are having some cool concerts at Darien Lake this summer. Hope I get to go to some. I've been lucky lately.. as I've had a few wonderful friends always keeping in touch with me. It keeps the smile on my face.... and makes my life less depressing.

My gram.. says she knows.. that I stole the money from her. ((( I KNOW MY SISTER DID IT))) it pisses me off to no end. I would never steal from my grandmother!! ever!!! She thinks I'm evil. Says I cut myself and tried to commit suicide for attention!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!? She says I wouldn't even cry when she died. I would.. alot. As much as she pisses me off.. I would cry. I hate that I even say mean stuff to her.. and swear at her..but I don't know what to do. SHe just thinks I'm the worse person in the world. SHe still harasses Darian and pisses her off. She belittles me every chance I get. Saying, I'm not doing anything to get better. SHe thinks I should just snap out of it.

I'm still debating going to stay with my mother for a bit. I don't like the smoking honestly, and am not sure if I can deal with my mom's demands.. DO this.. DO that.. blah blah blah.. she is too lazy... and then uses her arm as a bigger excuse.. I think she learned she can't do this at Christmas when everyone harassed her. I don't know.. still a thought on my mind.

Still haven't talked to C. much.. but had a little time this morning. Things are going ok. Still have no idea what will go on in our future. He says he will reapply in two months time.

No thoughts of suicide.. or cutting today. Feelings of sadness were overwhelming when i was fighting with my gramma though.

I worked out today.. Stretching for ten minutes.. run/walking for 22... and did the stairs a few times.. :) much more active today.

Thoughts....

Running thru my head. Not sure whether to be sad.. or happy.. that I'm feeling good today. I thought for sure I would go off the edge.. ( i was hanging there as it was) when I found out C. did not get his Visa. Dissappointing yes... but maybe it wasn't our time to be together... (apparently). Maybe I needed this extra time to work on me, and my goals, and get myself together. I don't want to feel depressed, like I have been the last week or so. I felt so out of control. I've been able to make some good friends in the last week. They have helped me alot. I hope they know who they are :) !!

Last nite, before I went to sleep, I thought of cutting, I thought of suicide... and it was great to wake up and feel totally different. It feels wonderful. Wish I could figure out how to feel this way.. at least 50% of the time.. I'd be all set. Want to share a poem with you all..

Death

With this I could not stay
I'm sorry it had to be this day.

The 13th of January 2004,
It is the last day,
I'm never more.

Too much sadness,
Too much hate,
This is the day,
You learn my fate.

Forgive Please,
I did not mean to hurt you
Forgive me please,
I have no virtue.

Only want to end this pain,
Maybe for another to gain.

I felt really bad last nite, that is all I can really say. I thought maybe I would attempt suicide again. I wrote to my friend, Punky about my thoughts and feelings, and it will probably drive him crazy when he reads it, knowing he can't do a damn thing to help me. He has, though. Writing to him, gives me a change to be heard. Something that I'm not used to. It feels good to have someone I can open up to, and never be scared what I say will hurt him. Because I know, even if it hurts him, he will forgive me.. because I know he loves and cares for me so. I think the sad part of his life, is that noone knows what a good heart he has, but me. I wish I could of done something to help him before he got himself in trouble... I guess I just need to learn, that people need to learn their life lessons on their own, no matter what you say or show them. Thing is.. I never really said anything.. I guess at one point, I may have been scared. But.. that is in the past. I need to work on the future, and decide what it will be like. What do I really want. What will make me happy.

What would make me really happy right now.. is to cuddle up in my boyfriends arms.. and go to sleep. I'm getting really tired.. so I'm off. :)

Reckoning Day

Well. I find out... in about 5 hours if C. gets his visa. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. Who knows. I don't have much emotion about it just yet. Just been on edge the last few days. It sucks like hell. I wish I could curl in a ball, and dissappear from the earth. I feel so much sadness and despair in my life. Does everyone really think that I chose this? My family seems to. They think I chose to be depressed. I choose to let my anxiety get the best of me. They I like fearing to go outside... to meet strangers. That I fear going to the store alone. THat I fear the looks people give me. I fear to say something wrong. I fear everyone hates me. I fear I could be raped. I fear my daughter could be molested. I feel so stressed. Would anyone really choose this? I know I certainly would not. I have not. I wish I could just life over, knowing the things I know now, but not having to experience them. Oh well. Life is not fair. The rich keep getting richer, and the poor poorer. Not because the poor don't want better, but because they don't know how to work the system. Its not.. who you are, it is who you know. :)

Well.. wish me luck.. and if you don't hear from me.. I'm either extremely happy or in the looney bin.. :)

Funny thing,
Don't you see,
Funny thing,
This thing called me.

I've lived my life,
through all the hell.
I've lived my life,
with my story to tell.

It's not that bad,
I've seen worse,
I could be dead,
taken away in a hearse.

Now I lay me down to sleep
Close your eyes,
don't make a peep.

Life would be better,
if you would only sleep..

Sleep it off,
Drift away,
Close your eyes baby,
It's okay.

Not Helping

Partial.. doesn't really help much anymore. I'm not into it. That and I don't feel I get the attention I need. Waaa Waa.. I know.. I act like a baby, but.. I just hate spending all this time, and not getting anything out of it. Not that I don't get anything out of it.. I do get a bit, but I don't quite feel like I'm heard. I mean, they want me to take meds, they don't force me, but know that I'm a "good" girl... and I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THEM. The only other person in the group that doesn't take them, that doesn't want to is court ordered. They don't force me to, but when I asked could I get off them, I was told, I should give it at least 6 months to see if it makes a difference. Been on it for two months or so, so four more months to go. . I think. I think I'm so anxious, I'm confusing myself. That is another thing that upsets me.. Why don't they give me anything for my anxiety...???? I have more anxiety than anyone i know. Do i just hide it well. ?? I'm so used to not supposed to be having feelings.. I don't really show them. J is just always "OKAY" . Okay to me.. is living breathing.. nothing more. Its not a true life.

I don't know much. (that is a lie, I know alot..) but anyway.. One thing i know for sure, is that I want a better life.. a real life. I want to be happy. Happy people, don't expect everything to be perfect!! ( I don't.. never have.. never will) Happy people are optimistic. How can I be optimistic and realistic.. at the same time. I can't figure it out. Being optimistic, makes me feel like I'm living in a dream world. I don't like that. I don't like dissappointment... but.. what does that matter? really? I've not experienced..much but that.. (pessimistic)... NO.. i say.. I am just realistic.. I expect the worse.. so if something good happens.. it is a surprise.

Not sure I want to write this here.. as C. reads it... but.. I'm expecting him not to get the visa. That way... I won't be as dissappointed when he doesnt.. or i'll be happy when he does. Believe you me.. I want him to get the visa... This is what I expect.. to happen..actually.. in my mind..

He won't get the visa. I'm too scared to go over there... right now.. (too much anxiety & not enough money). So eventually.. I'll get bored, or upset, and break up with him.. (just like he thinks I will). And I will be sad and depressed, and maybe even suicidal again. But then I'll meet another guy over here.. (in the US) and he will be just as bad as the other guys.. I've met.. and it will take me a while to realize it.. and then I'll just be fucked up again.. and the cycle will continue.. until I die.. or get pregnant..

Either way..

Life goes on.

I know my pessimistic attitude gets in the way of my happiness. But how can I find my happiness, when the only thing I've really found that makes me happy (besides my PC) is making other people happy. How is this a good goal in life? My happiness depends on others and it shouldn't. I should find some happiness in myself. I don't know how. I will never be good enough for myself. I'll never live up to my high expectations. I want my Doctorate for God's sake.

ME, Julie.. a girl from a poor home, where.. only a few .. (less than 6) have went to college.. and even fewer have graduated from it. Most of my family members have their FUCKING GED for GOD's sake. AND they are proud of it. WHAT the HELL? Sure... I graduated from High School with Honors.. (don't know how I pulled that off) I didn't always have the best of grades.. Almost failed Biology.. and 11th grade History. I had D's and F's in those classes. I remember those times well. I remember all the crying I did.. because I didn't study hard enough.

What makes me think I can get my doctorate.... I know I can do anything if I try hard enough... but right now.. I don't even have a job.. I can't even get my resume in order.. and it took me two months to get the energy to balance my checkbook. I barely get out of bed in the morning.. if it wasn't for my daughter.. I probably wouldnt.

What the hell am i going on and on about.. Hell if I know.. I'm shutting up.. i'm just rambling, like the thoughts in my head...

Life goes on..
Tommorrow will be a better day..
Maybe tommorrow,
They sky won't be gray.

We can only hope,
We can only pray,
That tommorrow,
Will be a better day.

Life goes on,
That is all I will say,
Tommorrow will be
a better day.

Your Love

Did you find true love?
Did she fall from the sky?
When God sent her down,
Did he know she’d want
To die?

With good intentions,
I hope that he didn’t
With all your love,
I would think that she wouldn’t

You never know what life
Will bring,
Do you think the wedding bells
Will ever ring?

I hope they do,
For you deserve the best,
Give her your love,
And God will do the rest.

We will keep you in our prayers,
We want to see your dreams,
Come true,
Yet is seems they never do.

The Day is Coming....

Been wanting to Blog for a while now... just haven't got around to it. Been too depressed, and too.. busy.. I suppose. Or maybe I just didn't really want people knowing what is going on with me.. This is my first post of the new year. Well, I have been pretty depressed, and right now, worrying so much, about the 13th. Tuesday, this is the day that we find out .. (at 4am EST) whether my fiance, C. gets his visa. If he doesn't, we have to have a plan B. I'm not sure I'm up for plan B right now. I know many of my friends and family are praying for us. I know I am hoping and praying too. It will be a big day for both of us, and emotional.. too... either way it goes... I'm sure.. I will need my many friends around.

I have to promise to myself.... I will not seclude myself that day...
I will try to avoid sharp items that could be used as weapons...
I will try to share my feelings..

As for my New Years Goals.. (life long goals, not resolutions)
I plan to lose weight.
My first step into that, is to cut out soda, and drink more water, and to start to exercise more. After I do that,
I plan to... exercise more, and watch my other sweets.. and eat healthier snacks. (carrots, celery, peanuts, instead of candy.. and whatnot)

Then... I hope to try and learn more about myself, which I have been doing this past year, but I want to go in depth more....

And.. I want to read and write more.. (even here).

Well.. anyway.. not much new. I've attended partial twice this week. Hasn't helped much, but it gets me out of the house and around people. Hoping to see the Dr R. tommorrow.. sort of.. I know he will want to push more meds. I HATE THEM. Went to see Dr. A. today, the allergist, pretty much a waste of my time, but I made my dental appointment, as it was in the same building. Dr. A. just looked in my ears, and in my nose.. and said.. lets get you an auditory test.. and i'll see you back in two weeks. The receptionist doesn't think my insurance covers the auditory test, so... they will let me know when i come back. They want to see if the singular (not sure the spelling) its an allergy medicine is working, and to give it two more weeks.. blah blah. I don't like Dr's much.

Any.. last nite was great.. stayed online all nite chatting with some nice people. It was nice to have the chance to spend time with some nice people. Its not often I get a chance to do that. Some people I meet always have other motives.

Also found out today that my daughter's aunt died. She was quite young.. not even near 40 I don't think. Her pacemaker died. She was a weird, but nice lady. I don't think it has quite hit me yet. I worry about her kids though. They are teens, but I know this will be hard on them.

Well, I'm off to read email, and then get some rest. :)

Personality Disorder?? me? NEVER!!!

dependent


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Inner Child

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
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Color Test- What Color Are You?

You are orange. You are emotional. Outside, you are bitter and stubborn, inside you are hopeful, hoping someone will come save you from the bitterness of your own mind. You constantly feel the need to prove yourself, and you look up to those who can make thier dreams happen. You are broken, but not beyond repair like maroon.

What inner color are you?

Pain free and lonely me

Not much to blog about. Feeling quite lonely, and left out I suppose. I've realized recently, I don't have as many true friends as I thought I did, just acquaintainces, and that is something I've never really brought to my reality. Sad but true.

No headaches, for about 4 days now !!! Terrific news!!

I feel alot of pain because I'm not as close to certain family members. I think back and its not any different from being in Wichita. No phone calls, no letters. Although I do see this person once in a while, I don't really get to talk to her. I hate it. I want to be closer to someone in my family. I want to really feel like someone cares. I mean this person decided on a date for an important event, and where it was going to be, and didn't bother to tell me, but told everyone else. I hate feeling like an outsider. I want my own family. I want my own place in life. I want my own place in this world. Although it is a world, I would never want to own up to. It is an angry evil place. I want to find the good in life. I want to go with what I truely believe, that most people are good. I want to see it for myself though.

Not sure what else to say... Although I am bothered, because Calin said I seemed to be cold lately. And then he wouldn't explain himself. It makes my heart ache. Although it already does because I miss him so. I keep having this feeling, that we are wasting our time, and no matter what we do, we won't be together. I know that is my negativeness, but no matter how much I try and stay positive about out future that comes to me.

I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying right now. Feeling so alone, and lonely.. and not wanted... I'm hurting alot inside. I need to be held. I need to be loved.

One day I will find what I need.

Something to think about.

I sit here realizeing that my life is going nowhere really fast. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck between wanting to rule the world, and wanting to go up to my bed, and sleep forever. I hate that I have to feel this emotional pain. I hate feeling the physical pain I feel almost on a daily basis. I fear going out and forgetting my medicine.

I am also sitting here feeling guilty for my grandmother having missing 120 dollars. It was only my sister and I in the house, and then the money was gone. I know I didn't take it. Why do I feel so guilty. Because I allowed myself to let her in. She's my fucking sister for Christ sake. I didn't steal the money, I don't have any proof she did either. But either way, I'm not responsible. Then why do both my grandma and my aunt find me responsible. Maybe cuz my whole family is fucked up. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for something I didn't do, I have enough guilt on my shoulders, from things I did do

I'm also feeling bad because I've no wedding plans yet. Calin wants me to wait till he is here, and it is driving me nuts. So nuts that I'm having negative thoughts about the whole thing. I guess I just don't want to be ill prepared. That and I guess I'm jealous, cuz my gram is helping Sally, and I know that noone will help me with my wedding plans. It drives me crazy. I just wish I could feel as if I belonged to a part of my family. I know in my head, that I never will though.

Something else I wanted to ponder. The other day in partial.. I played the most violent sport on earth. It was ping pong. YOu should of been there. I almost got my head taken off. It was all in good fun though.

Thoughts: a little confused, erriatic, negative, and a little suicidal
Interruptions: positive affirmations, and positive reinforcement.

I am trying to enjoy my life, its a hard struggle though.

The Day After the Day After

Feeling a little emotional now. Not feeling depressed today, so its a big move. I didn't take the Trazadone last nite either. I feel like I was a little rude to Calin today, when the things he did made my feelings hurt. I just don't know why I am so emotional, and so overly sensitive. The whole arguement we had was stupid, and I'm glad its over. Each time we do have an arguement, I feel closer in the end. I feel like we've always made a big step towards the better future that we both want.

My grandmother is driving me crazy. Ordering me around. Telling me she's going to put my cat to sleep, when she puts the dog to sleep. The dog is sickly. My cat is healthy and vibrant. I want to take my cat, and my daughter and leave. I've talked to my mom about staying with her. My brother agrees I can. I just have to talk to my stepdad. I don't know if I can handle it there much better either.

Either way... Life goes on!!

Thanksgiving

Where to begin? I am thankful for what I have, Darian, Calin.. my aunt, my cat, my sisters and brothers.. and for all the things I do have. But.. I'm missing what I've always wanted, a real family. I don't feel like my family really loves me. They are not affectionate, and well, never have been that I can remember. Why is that a problem for me? I really don't know.

Ever since my first boyfriend, Clair, all I've really wanted to be was married. I dated him for 6 years on and off, and always thought we'd be married. We both talked about it alot, it seems, as I look upon those days. In the end it didn't work out, and I'm glad, because now I have Darian, and Calin, the two I am most thankful for having.

I know I can't change my family, but I don't feel I have to be around them like this either. I don't like it, and I certainly don't want it. I'm feeling very depressed and sad today. Missing my Calin. .. and missing what I want my holidays to be like. I can not wait till that is changed, and I can spend my holidays with him.

I guess I just want my family to do things for me like other familys do. To love me, to hold me.. to comfort me. I know that will never happen, but it is hard to accept. I want to be held, loved, and comforted, especially on days like today. I haven't had a family dinner in about 3 years.. so maybe that is why today was harder than I really even thought it would be.

I didn't realize till partial yesterday, though, how much I really didn't like holidays. I've never really enjoyed them. They bring too much tension, just like Darian's birthday party did. I've had those suicidal thoughts, something I haven't had in a while. I just feel like my world is falling apart. These headaches are really getting to me. I've had one almost everyday now for a week. The medicine takes care of them for the most part, but they are still very stressful. I don't know what to do about them. That or my car. It sucks... but oh well, that's life. I'm not lucky enough to get everything handed to me on a golden platter, like others I know. I've never been that fortunate, nor will I ever be. Which can be a good thing, because it makes me appreciate things more, and not take everything for granted.

Imagine being 16 years old, and your mom pouring you coffee, and making you toast for breakfast, and serving it to you. Imagine being 21 and having your own place with your boyfriend, and having your parents pay some bills, help fix your house, and also pay for the car you are driving, and the insurance. Imagine that. My parents haven't really done shit for me, and never will. Nor would I ever even ask them for anything.

Romanian Website

Overall things are going good. C.'s modem took a crap, so he won't be online in the next few days. Hopefully he will get some rest, that he really needs and deserves.

Well in my search to learn more about Romania.. I ran across this website. ..
I found her story.. most intrigueing and have been reading it for the last hour or so. (Many interruptions) I wanted to email her, but all I get is a error code. I found many of the recipes interesting, and wonder if C. uses any of them at his home. I therefore pretty much printed out all the soup recipes. Wish me luck.. lol :)

I feel so lucky to be alive, and know that life has good things in store for me. I just mailed out the invitation for C. and we are hoping to get an appointment soon. We just have an unanswered question.. and trying to get ahold of the Ambassy.. or something. Wish us luck, I'm getting excited that we will marry in June if all goes well.

Anger

It's ANGER,
It's HATE,
Its LOVE,
I can't take.

It makes me crazy,
It makes me sad,
It makes me emotional,
It makes me mad.

I can't take it,
I shouldn't say,
I wish the sky
would turn,
from blue to grey.

Then it would feel,
as I do,
Then I could see,
my anger too.

FUCK IT

I am soooo FUCKING angry right now.. I want to scream, cry, or break something. I waited two and half hours for Calin today. Something that seems to become a new habit of his. And where was he? At the pub, watching a game. Where does that put me as a priority in his life 0, where do I put him, prolly number 3, after taking care of Darian and myself. This pisses me off to no end. I'm even more pissed, because I get back online, to see if he's come home and ... it shows he's offline, but he's really there, invisible.. and I wonder, what does he hide from? Me? Another woman? who? Then he says only a few words, and I'm so angry I put myself on invisible.. cuz I don't know what to say. And he leaves. I really want to talk to him about all this, but because I'm angry I don't think I can. But I tried to call him anyway.. and no answer.

I'm beginning to wonder about all this. I don't know if its cuz he's so far away, of because of past boyfriends or what. But I'm beginning to think this is all bullshit. Him, me.. anything. Maybe he is using me to get a visa and live in America.. but then why would he suggest moving to another country ?? I don't know, but I didn't like that discussion either, about moving somewhere else, to start new, somewhere outside the US.

I'm now feeling so sad, I'm tring not to cry. I don't know what to do, to say to him. I don't know what to feel. I feel so FUCKING alone. I need someone right now. I think I'll go to a chat room and see what I can find.

WISH ME LUCK

I'm BACK.....

Here I am. Safe and sound. I signed myself into the hospital shortly after I wrote the last post. I was there until Thursday afternoon. Attended partial on Friday, and made it thru the weekend.

I feel more secure with myself now. Although, I am beginning to doubt my relationship. I feel I rely on it too much for my own happiness. I want to find my true happiness, without having to be in a relationship. I do love C. so much. I truely do, he is so wonderful. Just I feel that lately... he hasn't much time for me... and it hurts. I don't want to feel that kind of pain, just because he is leading a normal life over in Romania. I lead my life... and do many things here. Of course... I will hold out, and wait, and see what trying to be patient brings me. He is a wonderful man and I am grateful to share this time with him

I attended evening church with my brother tonite. I was wonderful. The pastor and their family was so loving and nice to be around. It was a different type of church than I'm used to, but would love to attend again.

I am grateful also to be alive today, and have shared my life with so many people.... I am so happy to be alive. My spirit has been awoken :)