The day before, the day before,the day before my new job...

Still having major mood swings. Happy, sad, angry, happy, angry sad... sometimes different orders, sometimes all the emotions at once.

I wish T. read my blog here. Sometimes I write things that are hard for me to say. I usually do good an open up to him, but today it was hard. I was really upset with him. As soon as something goes wrong, I feel upset, betrayed, abandoned... and in this case.. its all mostly in my head. He's been a great boyfriend, he's just a really busy guy. I wondered how he'd ever find the time for a gf, when I was just friends with him, back when I was dating Peter. Part of me still wonders.

I think I'm crazy.. all the emotions I have for him. How much I wish every nite.. was spent with him. Falling asleep in the same bed.. holding each other, comforting each other.. talking about our days. If he asked me tommorrow, to marry him next week. I know I'd say yes. Thats crazy. I know it is. It feels right though. It feels good. I don't think its because I'm lonely either... its not that. I just love him so much.. and I have faith that he would always take care of me.

What kind of Goth are YOU??

Graver

What Kind of Goth Are You?
brought to you by

What kind of Dragon are you??

You are the Dragon of the Night. Hiding away from
the confusion of the mundane society, your
spirit soars among the stars and the
moon......until it is lost....and will never be
found. What....What are you hiding from...?

What type of Dragon are you? With pics
brought to you by

="quizilla/'>http://quizilla.com">Quizilla

Get a hair cut and a new job.....

Well, waiting on the haircut, but I got "the" job. I'm so happy, so excited, I feel so good. I will be working with The Hartford. They own the contract for AARP. Its a call center. I felt comfortable when I was there. Nice building, nice location, nice people, all you could ask for, plus a great starting salary. Looking forward to my first day on Monday. In the meantime I will finish up this week at Giant.

Took Darian to the ER yesterday. They say she has scabies, but I think they are just incompetent. They barely looked at the rash. They hardly asked questions. Tommorrow she goes to the Dr. and hopefully they will be better, but somehow I doubt it. I will have "real" insurance before you know it, and get to go to a real Dr. I'd prefer somewhere away from my house, as I don't like this area. Guy at work today told me... "never go to St Joes" I wish I'd known that before, but when you look at the area.. I should've known.

Still feeling kind of sad today, worrying mostly. They will be doing a background check, and I wonder, if they have any problems with my credit. Its the worst. I need this job though to work on paying off my debts, and well.. still wanting to declare bankruptcy, on what I can. Thinking of all the things I have to do before winter, new tires, possibly get my car inspected (new exhaust system).. etc..etc. I definately need to get prepared early.

Missing T. like crazy. He's been busy the last few days. Not sure doing what... but I'll ask him today. It was nice, I got to tell him first. I immediately called his house, and he picked up from the machine.. so it was nice to hear his voice. He said he mite be going to NY this weekend, and if he does.. he can't come see me. I know its important to him, so I'm not pissed about it, but... I know I will go crazy.

I realized today... why it is.. I'm a bit uncomfortable in this area/ and with my daughters school. Its not really because white is the minority, which is different for me, its more the fact that I feel stupid. I am one of few whites here, and I can't speak spanish. I have no idea what is going on most the time, and just feel lost. I can't believe I didn't realize what it was before. I was feeling bad.. thinking... god.. what is my problem, why do you get such a weird feeling about this place.. and its not because of minorities.. or anything... just because I feel stupid. I feel lost.

I wonder where my life will go from here. I wonder what comes next. When will I be able to control these mood swings.. when will I be more happy than sad. I think I should go to bed, I'm exhausted. Not sure if I will though.

Contemplating...

My good friend M. just mentioned to me, about my posts. One day, I'm in heaven, one day I feel as if I'm in hell. I am really tired of the mood swings. I begin to wonder, how did I get in this place, how do I get better, how do I move on.

For the most part lately, I've been alot happier. I'm just so confused still on who I am, and where I'm going in my life. I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm sad.

I keep thinking about all the things EPB said to me last nite, when he was screaming at me. I know I hurt him. I did love him, I still do, just I'm not happy. I feel trapped, I feel sad, and I don't like being in the relationship with him. He thinks its because of something he did, or because he's not white, but that isn't it. He needs to grow up, get a job... get a life.

"get a haircut, and a real job"
That song came to mind....

I need a strong man, a man that can take care of me. A man that is stable, that can take control when needed to. I feel like I've found that in T. Though, its not been long, I feel so safe, so secure, so loved. I think he's crazy for wanting to put up with me. Crazy for saying he wants me to be his wife. I find him so amazing. He told me he loved me first. I felt like he ment it. He told me what he wanted first, to find someone to love him, to settled down, and eventually have kids... To have a family. I almost cry everytime I play him saying that in my head. Thats all I've ever wanted, was a family.

Speaking of family, they called tonite. It was nice to hear from them. My mom acted like nothing happened in the hospital. I was too worn out to talk about it. I will bring it up next time I hear from them.

Right now, I feel happy, knowing i have someone I love in my life, that I know loves me, but also sad. I wonder if I will end up doing this same thing to T. Will my personality drive him away. Will I decided later I've found something better? At this point I can't imagine anything better. He makes me think about the good things, in my life. The happy little moments, he makes me feel so loved.

I go crazy already. I miss him so much. He's always so busy, and I wondered this before we started dating if he would have time. I just feel like I need too much. I mean, I wish he was here more often. I wish we were together every nite. I wish he was here to hold me every time I feel sad. I love him so much, I find it so crazy.

Crying.. cuz I'm dying inside

I feel so alone, and upset, I almost flipped out on this guy on the phone, and it wasn't even his fault. He was nice about it... but I couldn't stop crying..

I'm so lost... I just don't understand ..

Hitting.. the spot

Got some comments on my blog today, encouraging and wonderful. But if I could get help, if I knew how.. I would. I have no insurance, mostly because someone in this fucking beaucracy, fucked up, and I have to pay for it. I got.. well.. of course government health insurance.. (and I work, and pay taxes), but I don't make much... I moved, reapplied (which I shouldn't of had to do in the first place) and was denied... I MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY!?!?!? WTF!! The letter said... Your semi annual income is 2,900 something. ... and the cut of... is 2,600 something. TEll me how.??? in this world.. can anyone afford health insurance.. on.. less than 6000 dollars a year. The government gives you food stamps, because you can't afford food, but.. you are supposed to be able to get your medications. My medications are over 1,200 dollars a month. I can't pay for any of them. I'm running out of my meds.. and so I'm getting sicker and sicker. Thats both mentally... and physically. My asthma is bad. At work is especially acts up. But thats life.

I have been feeling much more positive. Mostly, cuz I have hope, more hope than I've had in a long time. T. is a very positive influence.. and I believe it has a lot to do with him. Someone wrote on my blog, that love is a choice... not an emotion. (at least I think that is what it said) But.. I believe love is a emotion. I don't have the power, to not love anyone. I do love most everyone I meet. I care about them.... I do want to comment more, because.. this thing.. with EPB, and T.. well.. I wasn't playing them, and I hope the way.. I wrote it didn't seem that way. T. and I were friends, I made it clear to him for a long time, I loved Peter, and we would only be friends. I've been wanting to.. and did.. before I went into the hospital, break up with Peter, but.. being in crisis. he was there for me.. and I undoubtedly.. went back to him. Until, after I realized.. no matter how I was feeling, depressed or not, I didn't want to be with him. I've felt we weren't quite right.. for each other, since the day we met. I've been telling him that for months. He just wouldn't listen. I was broke up with him when I met T., and I wasn't expecting to hit it off so well with him either. BUt I did. It feels right, it feels good. I've not.. felt so positive.. .. about .. things. in so long. Sure.. I'm sure some of it now.. is infatuation..but.. he's been a good friend to me.. for the last few months, listening to my problems.. talking with me.. giving me little pep talks... He was the one there for me the most... , even though it was only on the internet and the phone, he was there more for me .. than my family, my friends.. and even .. EPB.. The things is.. with EPB... I felt trapped... trapped.. and dead. I felt like.. my thoughts and feelings didn't matter. I just wanted him to let go. I think he has. I hope he has. I do still love him.. and always.. will. It just isn't want I need or want in my life.

I want to write more, and perhaps I will later.. but I'm going to play a game with my daughter.

What a weekend....

So much to say, so much thinking going on in my head. Mostly about T. I met him this weekend, it was like wow. I'm tired, so I'm not saying much today, but was at one of my favourite sites just now, and be sure to enter this sweepstakes, Are you Registered to VOTE?

Thanks all. Its helps so much to be positive, and my mood for the most part has been. It helps things flow more smoothly. I have a busy week, so not sure how much I will write here. Working all week, and have Saturday off, and have a job interview, SO EXCITED, on Tuesday... So wish me luck!!

Also check this out... http://scoreboards.hotornot.com/makinglovenotpeace if you are a hotornot member.

What a day...

Well, the other day, EPB, finally agreed it was ok for us to break up. I don't think I ever needed the guy to say it was ok, but... thats him. Well he found out my friend, was coming over, last nite, and he flipped out. He didn't know this "friend" was T., but he did end up finding out. He called me before 7:30 this morning, woke me up, and woke up the rest of the house, after I told him I didn't want to talk to him when he called on the cell. I am at wits end with him. I know I need to tell him the truth, but... I know how hurt he will be. I have to get him to leave me alone. I do care for him, I always will. Just there is something about him, that...I can't live with. The jealous, the obsessiveness... I can't handle it.

Had a wonderful time with T. It was like wow, and I couldn't believe I ever thought, things wouldn't work out. I'm amazed at what a wonderful time we had. Just kissing, talking... and holding each other. At points, things did get a little heavy, after him saying, that.. . He didn't want to have sex, and something about messing things up. I totally understood, but.. there were moments of such passion, where both of us almost lost it. It was so wonderful to be touched, to be held... and caressed... I had a smile from the time he finally arrived, until he left.. and I'm still smiling, because I can't stop thinking about him. He didn't want to leave, and of course I didn't want him to either... He left way later than he has orginally wanted to, but we had a great time. He shared with me so many things, I was most surprised to hear, basically my words of what I wanted and was looking for, coming out of his mouth. "I want a friend, a best friend, a lover, a partner... someone to settle down with, someone I know loves me, someone that needs me as much as I need them." It was so wonderful to hear the same things... He really wowed me. It was so perfect. I shared with him so many things, he knows so much about me... and he still wants to stick around. It does so amaze me. Watching him watch Darian was amazing also. When we went to lunch, she wanted to hold his hand and not mine. She was excited.

Not sure what to say, but.. he told me wants me and I want him. I feel so happy inside. Being around him, makes me remember the happy times in my life. Its wonderful.

More Journaling....

August 31st, 2004

I sit here again, more relaxed, but also stressed inside, watching Maury, and interesting episode, cheaters. I then wonder, is me, sharing being so open with T., is that a betrayal to EPB?? Talk with T. makes me feel so good, I wonder often what a relationship would be like. Is jumping from one relationship to another fair either? Is it fair to break EPB's heart? I can't say, though that I would be breaking up with EPB for T. I'd be breaking up with him for a chance to move on with my life, a chance to be happy. I wonder if T. has become attached to me and I wonder if I'll hurt him too. I had a wonderful talk with T., last nite, I think we talked close to 4 hours and I feel I really opened up to him alot. I shared with him the letter, and how I was confused by the fact that he said he loved me. And I questioned his meaning of it. I guess cuz I've been told I'm loved before and it was not sincere. I need to feel loved as well as be told. I need to really feel it.

I do love Peter, but being with him doesn't make me happy anymore. I wish I could write him a letter and it would help him understand, but I feel like he never will. I need him to let go now, not because I want to die, but because I need something different than he does. I"m at ends wondering if Peter realizes what is coming. We've hardly spoken since my release from the hospital. WE have nothing much to say, and he hasn't come to see me. He hasn't offered, he hasn't asked. We haven't even talked about it. I don't feel sad about it, just indifferent. I wish that I could say something so he wouldn't be hurt. I wish I could change things. But I can't wait around for him to grow up, to mature, and decide he wants a family. I want the chance to find someone, whom can be my best friend, my lover, and some day my husband. I want a family.

Journaling from the hospital

August 29th, 2004

I sit here in this place that makes me feel less than human, wondering how they could do this to anyone, not just me. Its inhumane, unjust, unkind, uncaring. I'm not sure what my next step is, but I'm trying to be calm although I still have much anger. I don't know what to do, how do I get my meds. how do I find follow up aftercare, part of this is the reason I'm here in the first place. I know I messed up. Bad, I don't deserve to be yelled at, like she did, noone does. I don't want to end up in another hospital, I don't want to kill myself. I find this so upsetting. The nurses talk about you like you aren't there. Its unreal. How does one survive here? how does one cope? I don't know where to go from here. I'm not sure what the next step is.

I AM STILL ALIVE

Ok.. I'm here, what more can you ask for? Lots, I did try to kill myself, apparently unsuccessfully, and I went to the quote on quote "nut ward" for a week. It was the most horrible place I've been so far in my life. They people there, where not helpful, no one on one therapy, and most people there didn't care much about the patients. I'm still lost. They basically kicked me out, didn't care if I had meds, and told my aunt and others I was uncooperative, which was untrue. Though, I did constantly bitch because the one nurse gave me a hard time, because I was going to call home for tampons, and she told me I wasn't allowed, although its not on the contraband list. I was extremely pissed, mostly because they took their sweet ass time over 30 hours I believe to give me my birth control pills after my aunt brought them. I have no insurance, so I have no follow up care, and am so lost and confused. While there, I did meet a few nice people, but the bad outweighed the good.

At one point during my hospital stay, I asked, P. back out (or EPB), for what reason I don't know, probably because I love him, but... I don't understand or anything... how to stop the relationship. I love and care for him.. and don't want to hurt him, yet I feel its time for me to move on. Today.. has been completely mind blowing, in a confusing way.. Share more about that in a minute. I first want to retype a letter I wrote to T, while in my stay, and some brief journaling that I did, while I was there, and some I did earlier today. While in the hospital, I got ahold of T., he called me back, and we chitchatted, but... when I was letting him go, he was like... hey... and I was like .. yeah.. and he said he loved me. I wasn't sure how to take it, and still not 100% about it, but... all i said back was... thank you. I was stunned, .. .. but.. it felt good at the same time. Lately I've been feeling close to him, he's brought me happiness, and talking with him, helps me sort things out, and has helped me realize alot. Especially the fact that... well, I've realized, though I'm depressed, well... I've always felt.. that well I've never been happy, but realized, because of talking with T. that.. I do have moments of happiness and that is what I need to hold on to.

August 28th, 2004

Dear T.,
So much is going thru my head right now, mostly that you just said you loved me. I love you so much, as a friend. That is the part that confuses me so much. You were a good support to me this last week before I tried to kill myself. You made me laugh. You made me smiile. You brought life into what I was making death. I still am looking forward to meeting you. You are a great guy! I know you are looking for a gf and part of me wonders what if? But I'm having a hard time with my feelings because I truely do love Peter. As you have been a great support, he has also, its just relationships are really hard for me.
I don't know how much pyschology you've read or believe, but I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Just a name for how I act, is what I believe. In a relationship, I push away and if you go away, I cry. I ask for forgiveness, and as soon as I get close again, I push away. Its really hard on me and whomever I'm dating and it takes years to work on and change Borderline habits. I'm hoping that my insurance will help get me into DBT or CBT groups. These help change actions and reactions to different stimuli.
I don't know if you remember me saying to you that when I met Peter, I didn't think it would work out. I didn't. I had it in my head, right now my mind is clearer, but on of those things on my mindwastthat thought of you, and that we wouldn't be right together. Wrong place, wrong time. Just too much going on with me, but I hope you stay by my side as a friend, because I need you more than ever. I want to be able to be there for you. I want to hear some of your stories and find out what you are all about.
I'm very sleepy now so I'm off to bed, but Please know that I love you , also.
Pare of me was hurting and I thought you had abandoned me. That is a mix of my neediness and my ever changing overreacting mood swings.

Love,
Julie

Its Monday

The last day. Plans have changed, but none the same, the end is the same, so it doesn't matter. I feel a peace, although, I feel neither happy nor sad.

My life

I sit here, contemplating... what to do. I have beer, cookies, and lots of pills. Should I? or shouldn't I? The only thing that scares me is the fact that I don't do it right. I figure, that 12 Imitrex, could cause a heart attack, thats all I have, well, plus the one I had earlier... plus some other stuff, but we will see. I'm all alone. P. left, we did break up last week, but... I do love him so much. I thought I made some new friends, one just turned out to be a creap, and the other, I'm not sure, if he's just afraid, or what. Either way, the one, I don't really need in my life, but, T. He's really sweet, helped me alot in the last few weeks, and now my heart, hurts so much, for so many reasons. I know I would just hurt him, partly because I love P., but... partly cuz he said, that.. well he asked me, what if he becomes attached, and that he couldn't find fault in being needy, as he is needy too. It didn't turn me off, but I don't think he would ever have enough time for me. Part of me is trapped, trapped in this thing with P. , which isn't completely bad, but I need so much more. He's a great guy, and I know, if I decide to do this... thing, to kill myself, then.. he will blame himself, his parents, and everyone.

I've been asking for help. I really want to go in the hospital, I don't know how to do it. I guess I've asked the wrong people for help. I don't know what to do. I guess, well I don't even know what to do.. except sit here..and wonder, who cares.... if anyone. They would only care, when I'm gone, and thats too late.

Part of me is hesistating now, because.. I love my daughter so much, what will this do to her. I really wished I could of bought a gun, so much easier..... less of a failure rate. I dunno... I just need help. Someone, please help me!!

Plans

I have plans.. plans for my life. or whats left. Noone will even know. That makes it better. Then noone can stop me.

Life in Reading

Starting something new here. YES i am still alive. I think that is a good thing.  Been busy since I met my new boyfriend, P.  Yeah, he's nice, seems we fight alot though, about stupid stuff. This house makes everyone iritable though. Trying to get settled here in Reading. Its taking quite a while. I'm finally back online, so hopefully, when I'm ready to settle in to bed, I'll take a moment and post.
Just wanted to update for those that read my blog, share more with you later.
Going crazy here.

.............................

Title title title.. I don't want one... grrr.

Life sucks, then you die. I hate depression, hormones and chemicals.
Why have things gone on this long?

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do

... I'll be right there waiting.... waiting for you..
But will you be waiting for me?

I doubt it. I meet so many people. I feel so much pain. I love them.. without asking for anything in return. Maybe that is wrong of me.. cuz they didn't ask me to love them. And no matter what happens, how mad, or sad, or upset I get, I'll still love them, unless I find out they've done something extremely evil. I can forgive most things, a little dishonesty, cheating (though I'd not date that person again), stealing.. etc... Its hard to explain... each circumstance is different. I could never forgive, sexual assault, or the molestation or injury of a child.. and of course, not rape either. But.. I know people who think badly of me.. because I cut. I would never judge them, if they did the same. I'd never judge them, if they smoked, or drank too much, or were even addicted to video games, or porn. WHY?? Why do they have to judge me? I don't understand, I don't comprehend....
Read.. below.. an example:


5/21/2004 7:08:56 PM Exalted Angel Izu! yeah.. since they made me a cashier... i like that so much better.. my mood has improved.. like 220%....
5/21/2004 7:09:02 PM Exalted Angel Izu! but.. i'm not really doing soo good overall
5/21/2004 7:09:08 PM Exalted Angel Izu! i've beeen.. you know
5/21/2004 7:09:29 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Same as always, huh? Glad works better for you.
5/21/2004 7:10:23 PM Exalted Angel Izu! what do you mean? um.. its that week.. right now.. where i get really upset...
5/21/2004 7:10:34 PM Exalted Angel Izu! and.. ... I've been cutting.. and I dont really understand why
5/21/2004 7:10:55 PM Izu! Exalted Angel ...
5/21/2004 7:12:23 PM Izu! Exalted Angel I'm really not sure what to say to that Julie.
5/21/2004 7:12:32 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you dont have to say anything
5/21/2004 7:12:40 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Then I don't think I will.
5/21/2004 7:12:52 PM Exalted Angel Izu! umm..
5/21/2004 7:15:30 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you think badly of me.. when I say things.... like that dont you
5/21/2004 7:16:29 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Pretty much. It makes me want to stop talking with you, because I can't help you, can't save you, can't change you , and all I can do is sit back and watch the fireworks as you self-destruct.
5/21/2004 7:18:15 PM Exalted Angel Izu! then pretty much.. .. I just shouldnt share with you, because.. its not really ur concern.... and I'm sorry I did
5/21/2004 7:20:23 PM Izu! Exalted Angel It's not that. It's that it's a broken record. Same thing over and over. Look, I'm all for you sharing, and all for you expressing yourself. Always going back to the subject of cutting, or wanting to cut, or actually cutting. Then saying you don't know why, or how you can't help it.
5/21/2004 7:21:01 PM Exalted Angel Izu! just dont worry about it ok
5/21/2004 7:21:06 PM Exalted Angel Izu! i'll leave you alone from now on
5/21/2004 7:21:16 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you dont have to worry.. or think.. or have me bothering you
5/21/2004 7:21:35 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Alright

They thing that is the worse.. is .. I hardly talk to this person about cutting, or even mention it to him. The thing is.. I used to date him, and he told me... well... if I cut while we were dating, then it was over. How could you say that to someone you care about?

I wrote another poem... this morning...

My love for you is strong,
Believe this,
though we've not known
each other for long.

Each day my thoughts
think of you,
I want you more and more each day,
What will I ever do?

A kiss, a whisper, I love you,
beautiful words, full of love,
Where did you come from?
Where you sent from above?

I don't want to lose you,
for fear of a short life.
I will always love you,
Wishing someday, to become your wife.



Talked quite abit with EPB last nite. Especially about the whole wanting to break up thing. We talked thru it. I still don't know how much I can handle a relationship, but being without him, somehow seems worse. He gives me something to look forward to, something to dream about. He gives me inspiration, he doesn't lecture me on my cutting, because he so knows, he never went to any of the extents that I did, but he used to self injure. I feel he can relate more. He always is very sootheing and loving, wishing he was here, to help me thru my rough times. Though, it did hurt when he told me his heart is mostly hollow, because of his past.


His friends wanted to go to a strip club tonite. He said.. he really didnt want to go, cuz all that are there are scanky women, and the only woman he wants to see is me. I told him he sounded pussywhipped, and in a way he did. I wouldn't mind if he goes... cuz.. I know, I have his heart.... and they have nothing, not even his respect.


There is so much more I could say, but not sure where to start, I started as a cashier today, and will be working on my own tommorrow.. a little nervous, but much more confident. I enjoyed my day at work, though it was long and tiring.

My world

First of all, since I've watched some specials before about land mines and how they affect life and especially woman, please humor me.. and click this, and help to clear land mines for FREE!!

So, had lots of appointments today. Had to get my weekly allergy shot. My asthma seems to be doing well. I got upset about my job in the deli, talked to the "BIG" boss.. and well, they are moving me out of the deli, and into being a cashier... so I'll actually know what I'm doing. Finally got insurance for my new car, and got it registered today. Received my first pay check.

Things seem to be going good with EPB, and me. He's sweet as ever. Always supportive,and doesn't lecture me on my cutting. I worry though. Are we moving too fast.. some of my friends seem to think so. I don't know what to think. I do wonder why he's so in to me. He plays his guitar sometimes when we are on the phone. Its rather nice. I sometimes wonder if he is too young, what he wants to do with his life, what is future plans are.... and what he thinks will happen with us.

We haven't talked about the HPV thing lately. I'm sort of afraid to bring it up, cuz then I'll just feel bad again, because I know he's scared to make love to me. But, its ok I guess... just depressing.

Made some flowers for Cherie.. and hung out with L. last nite. Her hubby ended up coming home. I kept asking him why he wouldn't talk to me. He finally got mad about other stuff, (whispering L was doing.. ) and flipped out, and was like " I DON'T LIKE HER" , I almost started crying, I didn't want it to get to me. I just sat there, thinking about cutting... thinking about hurting myself.. thinking about death. Wondering, what did I do.. why doesn't he like me? WHY?? WHY?? After I left though, I got over it.. a bit. It still bothers me, but just because most people like me, I guess I can't expect everyone to.

I tried to see my OB/GYN today, but he canceled, was delivering babies. I'm trying to get something for this depression I have right before my period, since I can't get in to see the NUT dr.. until July. I talked with the Nurse Practitioner there, and she called his office and got me an appointment up there. Wednesday, hopefully he will be able to help. SHe was worried. I don't really think I'd try to kill myself, but sometimes its sooo hard... the overwhelming emotions, they are so hard to deal with.

I'm wanting to cut again, and well, noone is around... I don't even know if I want to fight it. It always feels so good. I don't want to get into this bad habit again. But how do I cope with this, with life, with being alone, with being poor, with wasting my life away here, and not being able to do anything about it at the moment. I don't know.

More than I can handle

I felt more than I could handle today. I cut.. too many times to count, just on my shoulder... on my left arm. I was sitting in my chair, and didn't want anyone to see. It worked out well, it gave me some relief, but still not sure, how my emotions got that out of control.

I do know, I have alot going on, a new job, trying to get everythign taken care of for my new car, a new bf, and a friend of mine dying. The funeral was today, I attending, skipping work.

I skipped work for so many reasons, and want to quit so bad. I can't recall ever really giving up on anything, except my life, which is really hard to deal with.

I hate the thoughts in my head. They are like these aweful voices of my conscience, screaming at me to die. I thought about doing the same thing that happened to CC, my friend that died... Driving even faster (after somehow disableing my airbag) and just running into that tree. Would anyone miss me? Would they care?

EPB is wonderful.. I'm just afraid of so much, I'm afraid of relationships. I worry I guess, because I feel we are both a bit needy, and just dating, because we need someone special, someone loving in our life. I wonder if we will be able to support each other... emotionally. I wonder what he will decide about, the fact that I have HPV. Right now, he acts like he would love to be with me forever, and would be alright with the fact that we never made love. I don't know what to think of that. I wonder if I will have the strength to talk to him about what I did to myself today. And what his reaction will be.

I want only to do something with my life. I want much more than to just survive. Thats all I've been doing my whole life. I want to live. I want to experience my life to the fullest. I don't want regrets. I want to be happy, to be free, to love, to be loved. I wonder, am I strong enough.. to make it happen.. for me, for my daughter, for a happy life.

Um... I'm back.. back again

So damn much has changed in the last few weeks. I got a new car, a job, and I'm dating someone. I don't spend much time online anymore.
Wanted to share some new poems.

Full of love
Unbearable pain
Had so much to live for
Had so much to gain.

Why did he take her?
Why couldn't she stay?
We'd all give our own lives,
to see her, just one more day.

What was it he wanted?
Why did she have to die?
Why? We all ask you, Lord...
Why?

She was special to
everyone she knew,
A daughter, a sister, a friend.
Why was her life so short?
Why did it have to end?

I wrote this poem today, for a friend... she died yesterday in a car accident. I used to be best friends with her sister. She was best friends with my sister... Only 18. It makes everyone sad. I saw kids at the Hub (local gas station convience store) last nite, all looking sad, with the redness of many tears that ran down there face. I saw where she crashed tonite coming home from work, there were tons of flowers there... So sad... Though. ..she wasn't wearing a seatbelt, some said.. it wouldn't of mattered, she still would of died.

Well, my new bf, EPB, I will call him. He's great, sweet sentimental, loving. I can share with him anything, talk freely.. and just enjoy him. I wrote some poems the other day, inspired by him...
Here goes..

To this the man
I find so sweet,
To this the man,
I want to meet.

I smile,
As I think of him,
I smile,
I’m no longer grim.

To this the man,
I’m falling for.
Will you love me
Never more?

To this the man
I think is great,
Oh my, is love
Our fate?

To this the man,
Whom I give my heart,
In hopes that love,
Will never part.


AND



Your love,
Your touch,
My love I can’t trust,
You can try if you must.

Each day I cry.
I don’t know why
I miss your love,
I miss your smile,
I miss the love, that makes love
Worthwhile.

Touch me here.
Hold me now.
Show me love,
I’ll allow.

Slowly breathe,
What words allow,
Hold me tight, and
Love me now.


Well enjoy, that's all for now... I need to get off so I can call, EPB.

:)

PS MICHEL!!! I NEED UR HELP WITH MY COMMENTS AGAIN...

I hate myself

Duh.. I do.. I really do. I'm so emotional tonite. Hardly enjoyed D's company. Enjoyed some music in chat and on webcam though, that he invited me to. It was nice, long haired guys, singing.. it rocked. But..then.. I message my favourite person, N, and I saw him on late last nite, and a little tonite, but had too much anxiety to message him. Which is stupid. But i have feeling like I am bothering him all the time. He said I could bother him anytime. :( What is wrong with me? Why do I have this stupid crush. It just makes me feel stupid, for wanting something I can't have. Why do I always want guys, that aren't available?

Then, DN, an old friend, who really likes me, or so he says, came on tonite. He usually show up one nite a week, mostly Thursdays... and tells me how much he misses me.. asks me to view my cam..and then wants me to show off, and I tell him I can't. Or I don't want to. Last time we talked, I was very upset.. to begin with, and told him . i didnt want him to ask me.. and he did. Tonite, well, i was talking with D about him. And asked him how do I annoy him.. to get rid of him.. well I told him he couldnt view my cam.. cuz i had it on yahoo. He said. he'd leave.. cuz I was busy, part of me didn't want him to leave, but all i could do .. is feel pain, and I was very upset..

I hate feelings sometimes.. alot of the time, mine are overly.. something.. and .. I get too emotional about everything. Like N. he probably (although he knows alot about me) thinks I'm a fucking nutcase... if i were him, I think I'd put me on ignore.. or something.

Why am I even saying this? I don't know.. I feel like I'm going crazy.... HELP ME!!

Who's Your Sex Symbol Twin?

Jennifer Aniston!
Who said smart and sexy don't go hand in hand? Proving she knows what she's doing, the lovely Mrs. Pitt became the standout star of Friends before snagging her equally lovely husband Brad. Like Jennifer, you're a woman who knows what she wants. There will be no damsel-in-distress act for you; it's your independence that really drives men wild. A bit of a tomboy at heart, your great body comes from doing push-ups not wearing a push-up bra. When it comes to beauty, you like to keep it simple: a few coats of mascara, a cream blush and a sheer lipstick in a warm, neutral tone. But more than makeup, you have a natural glow that comes from eating well and lots of exercise. As for clothes, you love modern designs that show off the figure you've worked so hard to get. A sleek, asymmetrical top or simple strapless dress is all you need to leave him breathless.

Today

Not even sure what to say today. I read posts from others in my support groups for depression, and BPD, and I think, my life could of been must worse. I didn't go thru alot of things like they did. I cry as I read the posts, both for their life and for mine. The feelings are so intense. Scary. Then I sit here and wonder why I feel so bad, so depressed.. I mean.. was my life really that bad? Do I have a right to be depressed and upset and angry? I really don't know... but I do.

Met a really nice guy the other day,online. He seems nice so far anyway. Respectful, very. He seems to be very open, and we've had some nice discussions. Really hope we get to chat tonite.

I got a job. I officially work at Wal-mart. I am a little excited, but nervous at the same time. I've never worked in the deli, and am not sure how much I'll like it. I'm kind of tired of sitting around waiting for what is going on with my supposed move. I need to get a life. I need to move on.

I wish my past didn't haunt me so much. Its scary. I met with my caseworker today. She works with a program that helps with transportation for dr's appts.. and housing.. and bills and stuff. We have alot in the works, and I hope this helps alot of my stressors out. I'm so far in debt, I don't know what to do.

Hopefully things will work out well. I've been lucky so far this week, but I need to get my car fixed, or get a new one. Wish me luck. I need all I can get.

So far away,
wondering where,
What are you doing?
Are you there?

I look around,
take a glance,
Wondering if,
I have a chance.

Smiling face,
wind in my hair,
I'm still wondering,
Are you there?

If you are,
I say come here,
Please,
and have no fear.

Life

So funny, so wierd, and yet still unfulfilling.. that's life.

Why do things have to be the way they are? Why can't people just be honest? I don't get it. It would help me a great deal. I can't deal with the stress of life. Not sure where to turn. Noone understands me... even the ones that think they do.

I can't get the help i need, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Part of me wants to live, part of me is already dying....

Dying inside,
Crying inside,
nowhere to run,
nowhere to hide.

Where do I go,
where do I stay?
Where is my life,
do I go which way?

To live, to die,
to hide to cry.
Do you know?
I want to know why.

Feeling of mistrust,
Unguided love,
Please help me Lord,
If you are above.

HATE HER!!

I fucking hate this, my gram says over 400 dollars is missing from her purse. Guess who was here yesterday. My fucking sister.

I feel like going to slit my throat... why is this world so unfair.. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I wish I was dead.

Quiz-"What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!"

You have a free soul! As all the souls go, yours is
the most free-spirited and adventurous. You
like camping, hiking, or interaction with other
people. Your a social butterfly, but not
because of your style, but because of your
willingness to communicate with everyone. You
probably have close friends who can rely on you
because you always seem to know whats going on
in the world. You love music and are
free-spirited and someone fun to be around. A
born leader and great explorer-dont ever
change-the world needs more people like you.


What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

I wish

I wish someone in this world could really understand me.. .. I wish people knew what to say to me, when they hestitate to call me, or message me.. or write.. or whatever. I wish I could say what I need, but all I need is for someone to love me, and to be there for me.

When I get bad, that is when everyone gets scared. That is when I need somebody the most. I hate love, alot, but I also love it. I hate that love hurts so much. I just am tired of hurting, tired of feeling so much pain. Tired of doctors that don't know what the fuck they are doing. Why does shit suck so much? I don't fucking get it.

Am I angry???? YES!! WHY WHY WHY??? I will always fucking ask why. Why can't the nice people be happy? Why do the rich keep getting richer? Why isn't the world fair. Why do I have to have the family I have. Why was I put on this Earth?? WHY WHY WHY????

ARE YOU A NERD??

Apparently part of me is... This TEST is HARD!! Try it!


26.19047619047619% of me is a huge nerd! How about you?

I hate her, she's evil.

I can't say I've ever really said I hated anyone, until now. I hate my grandma, sure parts of me love her too, but right now, I want to do is choke the shit out of her. She's so mean, always putting me down, telling me i'm a slut, a liar, a thief, a whore, and worthless, any thing she can say to hurt me. Her dog is sick, so she's putting her to sleep, and also doing the same to my cat, because she wants to hurt me. I love my cat so much, she's always been there for me, she doesnt deserve this. She's a good kitty, I dont' want to lose her. She's been in my life for over 12 years. ... since she was a little baby, a kitten, just born.

I just hurt so much anymore, I can't stand my grandma even talking to me. I think part of it, is she just tries to make converation, but everything she does irritates me. She'll ask me things, right when i'm in the middle of something, or not answer me when I ask her something. She sits there and trys to talk to me while i'm doing my breathing machine, knowing I can't talk, or waits till i walk in the other room. I dunno, all i know is I don't know how much longer I can take this, and I have nowhere to go. Nowhere. I'm the lost girl.

Read an article today, about Borderlines, and all i've done since is cry. I don't know what to do with myself, with my life.... with Darian. It all hurts too much, living, breathing... why do i have to feel such pain? Why do I feel like I'm not loved?


Anonymous Account of the Borderline Personality
Disorder



THEORY

All the information on symptoms, behavior,
destructive tendencies,
random outbursts, insecurity, instability, etc
are unquestioned and
obvious - especially when you spend much time
around these people.
The descriptions cover all the amorphous
manifestations of this
problem. In my opinion however, the mental health
community has
apparently missed what is actually happening.
What they are seeing
aren't any number of spurious abnormal behavior
patterns, symptoms
or defense mechanisms meant to protect the person
from threat or
depression. As a matter-of-fact, much of their
behavior is quite
normal and deliberate. At this point, I hope you
are wondering how.

The reason their behavior is normal and
deliberate is because what
is being experienced by the BPD person and
witnessed by those around
them is predominantly: THE NORMAL BEHAVIOR OF A
CHILD. Of course,
the abnormality/problem comes in because these
people aren't
children - they're adults. Well, maybe they
aren't completely
adults - not yet anyway. Their
psychological/emotional maturation
was "stuck" (arrested), or more accurately stated
"trapped",
sometime in their youth due to some perceived
loss, real loss, or
abuse. From that point on, these people
essentially have only had
the identity components and relationship capacity
of the child they
were at the time of the loss (but definitely not
more than a
teenager). Their intellectual and physical
maturity continued
reasonably unabated, but what must be realized is
that each area of
personal growth can occur independently of the
others. What you have
in the BPD person is a physical/intellectual
adult and a
psychological/emotional child. They are only
doing what they know
how to do - what they were capable of at the time
of their perceived
or real loss!

There isn't any question that the
psychological/emotional child part
of the BPD person is distressed. It is fearful,
angry or depressed
depending on what caused its original trauma. It
is actually fear
and their subconscious misconception, "I can't do
this alone!", that
is part of the trap that prevented the person
from maturing.
Nevertheless, it is very easy to create a
psychological profile on
these people using the normal psyche of a child
as the basis and
couple it with what might be considered a
traumatizing component. If
you study all the BPD articles and psychological
descriptions
currently available, it almost jumps out that you
are looking at the
psyche of a child, a disturbed child indeed, but
still a child. It
should also be obvious that anything as pervasive
as the endless
list of so-called BPD symptoms suggests that what
you have is
general behavior, not ten thousand individual
defensive mechanisms
or symptoms all acting at once. If you don't see
this, then you are
undoubtedly as confused as the mental health
community evidently is.
While BPD behavior frequently seems chaotic and
irrational,
reconsider, isn't that what you would expect from
a distressed
child? What you have then is: a once severely
distressed child has
become what the mental health community has
labeled as a BPD adult;
an adult which frequently has uncontrollable,
erratic behavior. In
reality, the BPD label is truly insignificant,
what you actually
have is an adult with the "stuck" psyche of a
child.

I have read countless articles relating
information on the self,
self activating, and other self references. It is
more a semantic
rather than an actual discussion on the what you
call the self, but
for me, the self is your soul/personality; in
other words, who you
are. How your self (soul, personality or whatever
you want to call
it) interacts/relates in life is based on what
level of emotional
and intellectual maturity you have achieved (both
conscious and
subconscious). Therefore, the self is always
there, active and is
always a complete entity; maybe certain
components aren't in sync
with each other, but they are there.

The articles I've read tie all the pieces
together beautifully up to
the point of breakdown/loss; including all the
facts about the
breakdown, that the person was a child, and all
the ensuing symptoms
manifested by the person as an adult. From this
point on, each
article takes a departure into mysterious psychic
phenomena as the
source of symptoms and behavior. The mental
health professionals
have evidently chosen to neglect the key
ingredients in order to
force BPD behavior into the existing paradigms of
psychology.
Nevertheless, the key ingredients are: 1) you
started with a child
which obviously had the psyche of a child; 2)
something happened to
stop the child's psychological/emotional growth;
3) you now know
that you have an adult with behavioral problems;
but if you look
closely, their behavior is suspiciously similar
to that of a child.
Simple logic and common sense will tell you to
stick with a of line
of reasoning that includes the key ingredients;
don't take a radical
departure. If you start with a child and the
child stops growing,
one thing is for sure - you still have child! Any
extraneous psychic
involvement/elements are peripheral or
supplementary.

You can even map every so-called symptom/behavior
of a BPD to the
behavior of a distressed child.

Just for curiosity, lets map a few
symptoms/behavior and see what
happens:

SPLITTING/TRANSIENT BEHAVIOR:

When a child is two years old, his first lessons
are polarized -
good or bad. His learning continues in this
manner for quite some
time. All his behavioral teaching has polarized
overtones to
coincide with the limited intellectual capacity
of a child. He also
learns to attach subconscious feelings to these
conscious
lessons/concepts, for instance - love or hate.
From then on, (until
he matures) he can feel or express total love
towards someone
because of something good/agreeable, and in the
very next instant,
feel or express hate towards them because of
something
bad/disagreeable. Because he is still a child,
all these are
extremely transient and lacking in depth.
Polarized, short term
behavioral elements are very normal in children
and will continue
well into their teens; or unfortunately longer,
if there is a
problem.

PROJECTION:

Children either can't accept
responsibility/accountability for
certain aspects of themselves, certain
overwhelming experiences, or
don't want to be punished for bad behavior (even
internally by
feeling guilty), so it's a convenience to
displace responsibility
and put the blame on someone else. This is very
obvious behavior in
a child but takes on a little more sophistication
in an adult
because the mature intellect becomes a factor
which has a greater
capacity to manipulate/rationalize circumstantial
factors.

A child will deny bad behavior or transfer it to
someone else, even
if a parent/adult is completely aware or
witnessed what actually
happened. Nevertheless, a parent/adult usually
dismisses the
incident anyway as childish nonsense. However, it
boggles the mind
to witness an adult do the same thing; it isn't
normal mature
behavior. When an adult projects, what usually
ensues is some kind
of argument on what actually happened and who
actually did what. The
truly amazing part, though, is no matter how you
confront the
projecting adult, they will deny everything, the
same as a child
does. This truly is childish behavior - and it is
one capacity of a
child or a BPD adult.

If a BPD is emotionally stressed, they are
automatically in
the "trapped child" zone of their psyche. In this
area, they can't
see themselves as anything but a victim. Their
behavior is always in
response to an encounter, not the provocation.
The other person is
always the bad guy and is always at fault.

IDENTITY:

A child is intuitively aware of his dependence on
an external source
for his emotional, circumstantial, and physical
well-being. He
perceives himself as limited in his capacity to
deal with real-life
obligations and responsibility and really doesn't
want it anyway.
All he really wants is superficial
responsibility, the kind that is
fun and provides personal gratification but has
no real
consequences; leave the real stuff to the adults.
He wants his life
to be in the realm of fantasy and play.

If a child is thrust into what he perceives as
real-life/adult
responsibility and emotional/psychological
independence to soon (the
emotional abandonment or betrayal scenario), all
his limited
characteristics become evident and amplified. He
feels weak,
insecure, inferior, angry, unhappy, inadequate,
distrustful, etc;
all the real capacity of a emotionally hurt
child. As this child
matures, especially through adolescence, he
probably wont develop
healthy and mature replacements of confidence and
growth beyond his
childish limitations. Instead, as a substitute,
he builds a
fortress, an outward facade/image which gives the
appearance of
competence and security.

As he grows, he can sense his facade and that not
much inside
himself seems real; he therefore begins to feel
very empty and
hollow, even more so than a normal teenager does.
This is an early
and recurring sign that his intellect and his
emotions are way out
of sync. His conscious intellect is aware that
something is wrong
but he can't control or identify exactly what it
is; and,
unfortunately for the BPD, wont get any better.

If the child/BPD has some external attribute, you
will generally see
an exaggerated importance placed on these as part
of the cover,
substitute, and security for his lacking internal
psychological and
emotional maturity. Anything about his person, 1)
physical or
intellectual; 2) anything material, anything new
or lavish; 3) any
social ties, especially a number of close
friends/companions; 4)
anything to cling to as foundation or
fulfillment; all become part
of the facade and crutches for security.

Since children/teenagers are in constant need of
entertainment and
fun and are exposed to too much of the wrong
kind, the BPD person
will most likely pick up destructive habits as
sources of
desperately needed fun and relief. Mind flight
and escape become a
very important - even necessary - part of their
lives, and the
various sources that produce it also become
psychological/emotional
crutches.

RELATIONSHIPS:

A child initially idolizes his parents; they are
wonderful
superhumans, omnipotent heroes; so the child
worships and loves them
deeply. The child tries to emulate every aspect
of these people.
However, if something happens to damage and
breakdown the love bond
and idealization of his parent, the child feels
disillusioned,
betrayed and lost. He perceives himself as still
dependent but can
no longer depend on his parents, so he tries to
quickly replace the
parent personage by someone else that (in his
eyes) fulfills the
superhuman - hero requirements. Until this child
matures and truly
becomes independent, any significant other for
the rest of his life
will have to initially either have the perceived
superhuman quality
or provide some degree of circumstantial
security.

When a BPD person is an adult (in age anyway) and
engages in a
serious relationship with someone, a relationship
that should be
based on mutual adult love and sharing, it isn't
long before child-
like relationship aspects arise and cause
problems. The BPD person
is only capable of limited love but needs endless
love, the same as
what a child expects with a parent. The
significant other person in
this relationship becomes the parent replacement;
available on
demand to meet all the personal, emotional, and
circumstantial
needs; but, gets very little deep mature love and
consideration in
return. What this person usually experiences in
this relationship is
what a parent does with a child/teenager; 1)
sometimes genuine love;
2) sometimes casual indifference; 3) sometimes
sarcasm, smart-ass
attitude, picking, provoking, moodiness, and
irritability; 4)
sometimes withdrawal and depression. Part of this
behavior comes
from simple immaturity and part comes from the
threat that the
significant other person represents the capacity
to hurt, betray,
and leave. Any interpersonal stress/contention
can amplify these
mood tendencies. Down deep though, the BPD person
knows he is still
dependent, so no matter how badly he mistreats
his significant
other, he doesn't want the other person to leave;
the same as a
child didn't want his parent to leave, in spite
of how badly the
parent mistreated, neglected, or abused him.

These are enough examples; I think you get the
idea. Debbie, you can
map every BPD aspect in this manner, from the
simple more obvious to
the complex less obvious. I reiterate, they are
only doing what they
know how to do; their behavior is not a collage
of random elements.
Their behavior is primarily based on insecurity,
fear, and the once
severely hurt child-like psyche (which is still
present
now, "trapped") is extremely limited and
vulnerable to anything or
anyone that is a potential threat. These
limitations make them a
stressful/defensive person with three reactionary
dimensions. Being
frequently stressed or on the defense, BPD's 1)
overreact to simple
stressors; 2) get angry or become depressed on
moderate stressors;
and 3) go into panic, rage, or deep depression on
what they perceive
as overwhelming stressors.

Everyone, BPD or not, carries some degree of
psychological/emotional
immaturity into adulthood. The typical gap
between the intellectual
and emotional psyche is usually small enough that
interpersonal
conflicts are infrequent and minor; so, the
average person can
handle these with few serious life side
consequences. The maturity
gap between the psychological/emotional and the
intellect of a BPD
person is very wide and pronounced which causes
frequent, major
interpersonal conflicts. Since emotional
responses are reactionary,
all you need is an confrontation between a BPD
and someone else or a
circumstantial problem, add an extra emotional
stressing stimulus,
and then look out. Depending on the degree of the
stressor, you will
see the child-like response from the BPD
corresponding to the kind
and degree described above.

The mental health community speculates on
chemical imbalance and
genetics as the origin of BPD. Although these may
be influential
factors, more so in one individual than another,
I still think it is
more a developmental miscarriage than anything
else. I seriously
doubt that it is possible to do a chemical or
neurological test on
one of these people and find anything but an
imbalance. BPD'S have
experienced some kind of stress/anxiety every day
for years. While
it is beneficial to treat the imbalances and
provide temporary
relief, the cure remains to help these people
with the insight and
counseling that leads to a healthy
restructuring/reprogramming of
the emotional psyche. I am aware of several
undiagnosed people who
have over the years outgrown the symptoms and
behavior. It stands to
reason that life-side experience will eventually
dispel childish
concepts and close the gap. It also stands to
reason that the
greater the gap, or lack of its awareness, the
longer it will take.
The tragedy is that BPD people usually ruin their
lives and many
around them before they grow out of it. I can
also say that I know a
few that are quite old and still manifest BPD
behavior; but, they
are in absolute denial.

A BPD person essentially is the child they once
were, including
their age and complete psycho/emotional content
resulting from a
traumatic experience/loss; the most traumatic
loss of all - the
perceived loss of nurturing love. Love is a
general, pervasive and
necessary psychological requirement. If fear,
repression or some
other psychic mechanism interrupts the nurturing
realized by love,
the result is a general breakdown or failure, a
cessation of
emotional growth and maturation. When the
subconscious psyche is
accessed for behavioral reference and the
feelings necessary for
relationships, it brings up the latest version.
Unfortunately for
BPD's, the latest version hasn't been
updated/modified for many
years; it isn't adult, mature or healthy. For a
child/adult who
suffers from this, their lives are subject to
this condition and
will be until they can understand and overcome
it.

Permission granted by author who wishes to remain
anonymous.

LOVE

Love
Love does not hurt. Physical and/or emotional abuse are not a part of love.
Love is not manipulative, it should not be used to get others to do what you want. You should never give in to demands based on the, "You would do it if you loved me!" tactic.
Love is an intense feeling of caring for another person. It can take many different forms (romantic, friendly, familial) but it is always about caring.
Although it is true that a big part of love is putting another person's happiness ahead of your own this never includes compromising your values or being untrue to yourself.
If somebody asks you to do something that you don't want to do in order to "prove" your love they do not love you the way you might think they do. When you love another person you don't ask them to sacrifice a part of themselves in the name of that love.
It is very easy to confuse lust for love. The true measure of romantic love is commitment and trust not physical attraction.
It is possible to feel romantic love for more than one person at a given time. Just think, if it is possible for you to love both of your parents at the same time why would it be impossible to feel romantic love for two people at once? Don't beat yourself up emotionally if you find yourself in this unhappy situation. But be sure to remain single and be open and honest with all parties about your feelings and confusion.
Sex is NOT love. Love is NOT sex. Sex can be a part of romantic love but it is never mandatory.
Romantic love can (and often does) fade. When it goes there is not always a reason. When somebody falls out of love with you it does not reflect upon your value as a person or your desirability.
Love should make you feel happy, secure and appreciated.

QUIZ: Are you too trusting?

Trust is a very important part of all types of relationships. How much you can trust a person, be they family, a friend or a love interest, determines how open and healthy your relationship will be. While trust is an essential part of all good relationships it is very easy to give trust before it is deserved or to give it too easily. Are you the type of person who trusts anybody? Do you have too much faith in other people? Can you pick up on the signs that a person is not trustworthy? Take our "Are you too trusting?" quiz to find out.

Your score is 35. You have found a healthy balance between trust and skepticism. While you believe that most people are good and well intentioned you are cautious with what you do, say, and how you act around new faces. You know that there is a big difference between being rude and being smart when it comes to trust. You are not likely to trust a person just because they are known to you, you expect people to show that they are worthy of your trust. Good for you! You are smart about trust and as a result will not put yourself in risky situations - be they emmotional or physical. Pat yourself on the back and keep doing what you are doing, you give new meaning to the term healthy balance.

UM.. where to start...

Not even sure. Well, dumb ass J. has been trying to get ahold of me. His gf has problems, female problems, like.. of the STD type, and he's like.. well.. I was sleeping w/ her the and w/ you. FUCK HIM... if he gave me the right info though, he slept with her last, and hopefully, was not even exposed. Though.. the STD that it is, I was already exposed to, and well, .(wonders if I should continue writing) FUCK IT.. if people don't like what I write..and they are scared off.. oh well. Well the particular STD is a virus, they say you don't get rid of it.. It's HPV, I was diagnosed with it years ago.. (about 6) at that time they said you don't get rid of it.. new studies say you do. All my paps have been fine since. I get another pap tomorrow. I'm still worried, cuz I don't trust J. WHY THE FUCK did I sleep with him again. (cuz he was good) I'm such a dumbass. I can't believe he even tries to talk to me. They way he called and started talking to me.. I think he was trying to blame me for giving his ex... HPV.. but.. he told me she had problems, when I first started seeing her. I guess its still his current gf.. but who the fuck cares. FUCK HIM.. FUCK her.. and her sorry ass.. cuz she doesn't know what a dog he is. I wish I was evil. I'd make his life hell. I wish I could, but although, part of me is evil.. I couldn't even pay him back, for the pain he helped cause me. But.. if I do ever get the chance to talk to his gf. Believe you me.. she will know. .. I don't find that men lying to people is right. Especially when it comes to your sexual health.

Anywhooo...

I've gotten to talk to my favorite person, N. the last few days. Makes me feel nice. I really like him. More than I should. I probably shouldn't write about him, because he reads this, but its not anything, I wouldn't or probably haven't told him to his face. I just have this stupid school girl crush on him. And he doesn't feel the same.. (well I don't know how he feels really). And.. I know.. it will probably be like most my other schoolgirl crushes, sure he thinks I'm cute and nice.. and stuff.. but soon he'll find the girl of his dreams, and.. I'll be happy for him , and jealous at the same time, but that is when I'll know for sure, I don't have a chance in hell. Kind of like Michel. He knows... I still do think he's a doll, but I'm extremely happy for him and Stacy. Especially since I've talked to Stacy and gotten to know her a bit. She's a great woman, and I know she loves Michel very much. Plus they look adorable together. :) But.. anyway..

Still talking to MM. He's still sweet and nice, but.. has become a big perverted.. Um.. I'm sure my flirting has something to do with that, but I've really tried to behave. Especially since he's a virgin, but he's 23 and I guess just really horney... Who knows.. I can't figure out men.

Um.. and then, also talked to a guy, that wanted just phone sex today, from hotornot, one that blew up his microwave when he was drunk last nite.. and a few more that just want to fuck. Pretty exciting day.

I started my day hanging out with the kids at preschool. It was a blast, they love me. Today was the first day that I wore short sleeves there and a few of the boys asked about my scars. I really didn't know what to say. I just told them I got some boo boos along time ago. And that I didn't remember how I got them, it was that long ago. What do you tell kids, 3-5 years old.. I was fucking scared. I've always been scared the teachers will say something. and be like.. You are too fucked up to be around the kids.. or something. I have paranoia or something. I mean.. would you want a lady around ur kids if she SI'd? I don't know if I would, if I didn't do it myself. What do I tell them? I'm crying as I write this, its some scary shit. Its hard enough when adults ask, doctors ask.. nurses.. and such.. but what do you tell a kid, I don't even know if my daughter understands, except that when I'm sick.. I get boo boos.

I'm still trying to watch myself, I know this is the week, the thoughts come. Whether because of my womanly cycle or not.. Noone knows.. but.. I'm glad I have lots of people to distract me so far this week. No thoughts, feeling a little low though, my gram put me down a lot today, called me a thief... last nite.. a slut.. who knows.. what next..

I feel the pain inside,
Within myself I try to hide.

I feel the hurt within,
I can't even bear to grin.

I feel the anger in my fist,
I want to cut my wrist.

Cutting,
Self mutilation,
Self aggravation,
Agitation,

Lack of love,
lack of self,
Think of me
above all else.

I feel the pain...
Inside,
I want to hide.

Easter

Nothing much going on today. Just thoughts in my head. Finally got to talk to N. today. J Happy about that. Missed him lots. More than I should probably. But I made some new friends in the meantime, and the one MM. , is very sweet. He’s 23, and living in Maryland. Originally from Guyana. Very sweet, and also a gentleman. Why do I keep meeting guys I don’t have a chance with? I guess I’m just destine to have lots of nice, cute, guys friends, all around the world.

Feeling ok today, got a little down, because I was sharing with MM, some very personal things about myself. Got me a little down, but he cheered me up, and then I took a long relaxing bath, and enjoyed my day. I wish I would of spent more time with Darian. But I did spend some time with here, and she enjoyed her new Barbie Jeep.

I got it for her for Easter, despite the fact, my grandma is the one that told her she was getting it. 250 dollars well spent I would say. Well, when I was putting the stupid thing together.. I was missing a part. I called back to Wal-mart to see if maybe it was left in the box.. AND IT WAS thankfully… so I headed over to Bradford to get it. Well, of course I had a few minutes to spare, so I wanted to see J. (I’m such a fucking dumbass) Well, I saw him.. And spent time with him, and was intimate, but I didn’t give in to him wanting sex. And I didn’t give him any sexual favors. I found out he’s back with Liz, his ex. What a fucker…. Well.. Anyway.. In the meantime, I’m late so I head home.. And well.. What happens.. But that I speed, because I’m in a hurry, cuz I’m late. And I get pulled over for speeding. Luckily, that is all they gave me a ticket for, as I don’t have insurance on my vehicle. So, there goes another 100 dollars, not sure if I’ll even have enough to fix my car. I’m hoping like hell. Cuz otherwise I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do.

Hoping this week, I have a good support group, this is my emotional week, and not having my meds, (or being allowed to have them rather) because of the allergy testing this week is killing me. I have met some new friends.. So I hope things will go well. I don’t want any suicidal thoughts this week.

FIRST OF ALL...

Why does noone comment on my site? That freaking sucks.
Pissy mood!! Feeling sick, can hardly breath. Will I live till tommorrow?? of course.. i have to suffer.

My heart is hurting,
So much pain,
Without love,
What's to gain?

Nothing here to lose,
More pain, the fear,
So much sadness,
Its too near.

Don't know if I can take it,
Don't know if I care to,
I feel the pain,
thru and thru.

My bones, my soul,
my heart aches,
I don't know,
how much more I can take.

Help me please,
I need your love,
Help me God,
If you are above.

Narcissistic or Snobby?

Um.. I never thought about it, maybe I'm just a snob. Check this QUIZ out!


Your Snob-O-Meter score is 39%. Sorta snobby. You can be relaxed and accepting of those that don't fit your criteria for being "cool", but you also have the occasional bout of superiority. Perhaps there are certain things that matter more to you than others, or you just get in a snobby mood from time to time. Whatever the case, you should refrain from judging others on superficial qualities. Don't judge a book by its cover. You don't know what fabulous and fascinating people you might discount just because they're not wearing the right brand of socks. Of course, this semi-snob attitude might get you a better job with a bigger paycheck. Snobs tend to have more self-confidence which means they get to call the shots. Watch out for those bouts of humility which are the hallmarks of a loser and can spell disaster in this dog-eat-dog world.


But anyway.. had fun with N. my crush. He's soo sweet adorable, and really fun to talk to. I always feel good when we chat. I flirted with him way too much today though. He said he liked it, and didn't mind. Feels weird, cuz.. part of me.. wants to say to him. "I'd love to meet you." and part of me is like, don't bother nothing would come of it. I dunno. He's a little shy, so I tend to be the aggressor. I dunno, I just don't want to scare him off. I'm just going to enjoy our chats for now. Not sure what else to say, as he has the link to this, and I wonder how often he reads it. :)

SMILE.. :)

Tears

Not sure where to start. I pretty much hate everything, and see no reason to live today, but I know in my head, that tommorrow, I will probably feel differently. I feel so lost and alone. I'm out of the loop. Partly because I'm sick, and then, also my car is at the garage, I've not seen any of my friends. I don't like this. I've been housebound.. for a while now. Seeing my family doesn't help. I just want to know someone loves me. I was supposed to hang out with M. today, but well, I guess he didnt want to hang out. I don't really understand, I know we were supposed to go for a walk and its crappy weather, and tooo damn cold. BUt.. in my head I thought he'd want to hang out anyway. I miss hanging with him, and the boys. I miss him even more. I don't know why. Maybe cuz when I'm with him, I feel loved. I feel like someone cares. I don't feel like that much anymore. I just feel tired of trying. I feel so alone. I have so many friends, but none of them can provide me with what I need. I can't provide it for myself. I don't know how. I wish I did.

All i want to do is cry, I have tears in my eyes. I'm talking with C. and I find how much I don't understand him, and his life. He wants to be with me.. and I can't say what I want, because I don't know. Part of me, doesn't him, and part of me wants to. Part of me wants to go to Romania.. and meet him. I know we would get along great. But I don't know. I don't think I could ever go there.

I just want someone to talk to right now.. and I have noone to call. Makes me feel useless, like I have no friends. I just want to push the ones I do have away. I hurt so much right now. I don't know what to do about it. I'll just stay here.. and cry.

Heart

Not sure what to say or where to begin. I've already been feeling really down.. and well. ... This guy I like.. well more than like, whose been part of my life for over 3 years, told me that he didn't think of me as any more than a friend. Hearing those words was hard. Part of my heart hurts. I knew that nothing would ever become of it anyway because of our lives, but hearing him say that. It took him a while too, I asked him 2 days ago, how he felt about me. He told me today. I know part of why he didn't want to tell me. I'm sure he thinks I'm so fragile, and I'd react badly. I'm not going to slit my wrists or anything, but I have tears I'm trying to hold back until I go to bed, so I can be alone with my thoughts. I've been so anxious and depressed lately. I just want to know someone loves me. I think that is my problem. I can't think of any more to say, feeling so hurt.

Me

Fuck.
Its me.
I look in the mirror,
and I see..
This scared little girl,
Thats me.

Who is she?
What does she want to be?
Who is she?
Is she really me?

How can I be sure?
How do I know if i'm real?
I hate this,
but this is the way that I feel.

I'm hurting,
and dying inside,
I'm hurting, and
my feelings I do hide.

I hide them from myself,
I'll hide them from you.
I want to share them,
but not sure how to.

Hot or Not

I have a couple profiles there now.. but here's my newest one. I'm bored tonite, can't you tell.

Borderline Article

I guess one of the easiest ways to pass on some good information is my blog. If anyone has time... I hope they take the time to read this. It's an article about cutting. When i read it, I felt like it could explain cutting a little better than I could. I feel like it is a great article, but, it did trigger me a bit. This is the first time, I've really read anything that was a trigger. Probably because I'm already moody about alot of things going on in my life.. and this just added to it.

I find it so hard that noone can truely understand me. I know so people that actually wish that they could. Its so hard, because I don't even understand me. I feel like I'm really messed up right now. I hate that feeling. I just want to go back to feeling ok again, mentally, emotionally .. .. and physically.

Weekends

Well, from what the test said yesterday. I'm not pregnant. I'll know all the official results in two weeks. Also got the Hep B vaccine, which is a good thing. Stupid me also burnt my foot on the heater yesterday. OUCH.. it hurts.. but.. anyway.. as soon as I got out of the clinic.. and J. got home. . he called me. I can't figure him out. We break up, and now he wants to see me again. I heard some stuff today, from my aunt, about his sister, and his mom.. and well.. its no wonder, his family is about as fucked up as mine.. (if not worse). Just makes me wonder... cuz I can't figure him out. Cuz after the other nite .. when I confronted him.. about even wanting to be in a relationship with me.. I just felt better about the whole thing cuz it was over.

Anyway.. not sure what to think about life right now. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. I started to update my resume, that went well. Have almost all the info I need, but need to really update my references. Trying to decide who to keep on there and who to change, as I haven't even communicated with the people on there for years. Asked my aunt to pick me up an application from Adelphia. She said she would try.. we will see. If not, I'll just have to go over there sometime. Debating, talking to Tops, about my job back. .. debating where I want to move.. what I want to do. Not sure I want to stay around here.. but not sure I want to leave all by myself either. Have to get my whole car situation figured out first. We will see.

Not much else to say for now.

I look into the sky
and what do I see.
I see my life looking
back at me.

Reality, or dreams
come true,
somehow,
they rarely do.

I'm looking down on
my life.
Trying not to think,
about the knife.

Hard to do,
but I can...
I know it..
Its easier than...

I think.

falalallal

I'm a fucked up mess. I'm going crazy. I've been on a high for a few weeks now, and well.. now its dropping. Maybe cuz of lack of going to the gym, or that my pretending is just getting to me. Do I pretend, or did those things.. not bother me. Do i pretend they don't bother me? Who knows. I don't anymore. I have no idea who I am. Or why I am.. or what..

I've been on such a good high.. feeling soo good... and today.. I'm crying.. and want to curl in a ball.. and die. All I can think about is that pregnancy test on Thursday. And what if.. and if I am.. what am I doing to my baby now, not letting the Doctor know I mite be pregnant and I'm on all these meds. I'm such a fuck up. Maybe I'm not, but I feel like it right now. I just want to know.. that I'm not pregnant.. and then be able to move on , and make some choices from there. I don't know if being with J. is even good for me. I feel like no matter what , no relationship will ever satisfy me... because they never care what I want or need. I mean.. all I want is some love and compassion. I want to be listened to. I feel like I give much in return. I am very loving. I would give you the world if I could. I would give you my anything... and all I want to know is that you love me.. and are honest and faithful to me. That is too much to ask.... for some people. Just I don't understand, why these two particular men could give me the attention I wanted before we dated, but then when I start dating them, its like I'm no longer of importance. Is this my ..thing.. or theirs.. I mean.. are they really paying less attention? or do I expect more attention? I'm not sure. I just don't get it. I just want them to follow thru. Call me.. when you say you will call, email when you say you will email. Call me and see how I'm doing... DON'T YOU CARE? I've been so sick lately.. and I feel like noone even.. notices... I hate it.. i wish I'd just stop breathing sometimes. Its scary cuz I feel like with this asthma, that I will just stop breathing.. and noone will notice.. and I can see myself in the coffin.. and.. its so unreal.


I just don't know what to tell myself to feel better. Maybe just to be single again, and not have any expectations.. cuz the expectations I have of myself are too much already, I shouldn't expect anyone else to live up to them. I just wish I didn't want so much.. but then I don't feel like I'm asking for so much. I mean... I'm used to seeing my bf almost everyday.. or talking to him.. and I hardly see mine. Its stupid. I want more time. I want more everything. I will never be happy. I shouldn't say that. CUZ.... I Will be HAPPY one day. I will be..

I cried as I wrote that. Right now.. it feels so off, but I remember feeling yesterday, as if I was happier than I had been in a while, despite all that was going on. I hate being borderline. I forget the feelings I felt. I forgot.. everything. I forget my own happiness even if it was five minutes ago. It makes me sick that I can be so fucked up, but then.. I feel sooo NORMAL ( (i hate that word) sometimes.... I mean.. I could pass for a normal person. .. but.. what is normal?

I dunno.. I just want to curl up.. in a ball.. and have someone that loves me.. put their arms around me and tell me it will be alright.. and gentle stroke my hair.. until i fall asleep.. and I feel their lips.. gently touch my forehead.. as they tuck me in bed..

I just want to feel loved, and wanted, and needed.

I need to be needed. It is what makes me happy.

Rampage

Emotions rampage
I feel like I'm in a cage
all alone,
nowhere to roam.

No freedom,
No food,
No fear,
No face....

Nothing to see,
nowhere to be,
But in this cage,
alone.

Anywhere but here,
I'd rather fear,
this cage,
than open space.

BAD BLOGGER

I'm such a bad blogger... least I've been keeping busy.. Great THING!! I did blog last week, but then, got a phone call and had to go offline.. and lost what I wrote. STupid me.. tried hitting post and publish when offline.. and grrr.. it dissappeared..
so.. I guess... I have alot of updating to do, so.. years down the road when I read this, I can remember..what the hell i was going thru at this point in my life.

So... M. and I dated.. for a little while later, things just started getting, where I wasn't happy, partly cuz I knew there was no real future involved for us ( I know, too much too soon) but when I get with someone, I want to know that potential is there, marriage, kids.. and with M. I knew it would never be. He's a great guy, but we parted on good terms, and are still friends and all that good stuff. He's still my sweetie. :) He's been there for me still even after we broke up. It hurt more than I thought it would, but I'm pretty much ok with it. Partly because while M. and I were seeing each other, his friend started paying attention to me.. and well things sort of happened that shouldn't have. M. considers that we were in an open relationship.. so it didn't bother him.. on my end, but I still think of my reasoning.. behind it.. and can't really justify it. But.. so J, the friend.. and I started spending time together... though he had a gf that lived out of town (in Ohio).. and.. then M. and I broke up, and agreed to be friends.. and J's gf broke up with him.. and now J and I are dating. That has only been a few days, though. Since Saturday.

Though since Saturday, I feel he's not been too good of a bf, but.. time will always tell. Shit happens right. I've been really busy, so I haven't dwelled on it, like I did with M. I made M. .. or tried to make him the center of my life, and that is the last thing he wanted in the world. Communication.. well.. is one of my troubles..and I have a hard time.. really opening up to J. I am just annoyed.. right now..cuz i wanted to talk to him.. on Sat morning.. and asked him to not go to bed.. and he just went to bed.. without.. talking to me first.. Then.. last nite.. I was in Bradford late. . so I thought I'd stop and see him.. and couldnt get ahold of him.. and he never called me like he said he would.. blah men. Oh well. I've been busy, with the gym.. and doctors.

DOCTORS... Dare and I have been sick. She had pneonemia, she's fully recovered, and just went to the Dr last nite, and has a slight head cold. You wouldn't know the girl was in the hospital, she even gained 2lbs !! She's such a riot. Me, on the other hand, I've been to the ER twice, and the DR.. once..and going again here in a few minutes.. they say... "bronchiiis, no.. ur asthma. " I'm on steriods, that kill my stomache.. and inhalers.. and.. my allergie meds.. and a decongestant.. and etc.. I HATE IT.

SPeaking of meds. I ran out of LExapro a few weeks.. or a month ago or something, havent noticed anything from that. Well, ran out of the Topamax yesterday, so we will see if it did anything for my mood. I'd rather not be on it. I will try to go to partial on Thursday, depends on what Sally is doing. (my aunt is coming up TODAY.. YEAH!!!.. i miss her) and let them know about the meds and stuff. I haven't been to therapy.

Overall, I think I'm doing ok. I had my middle of the month episode. I think you should just put in me in a straight jacket from around the 13th of the month to the 19th or so. I've noticed a pattern in my SI (self injure, and suicidal) tendicies. I've not been sleeping much. I went to bed after midnite last nite.. and was up at 7:30 this morning. I feel good to go. This could be because of many things. My going to the gym and losing weight, being sick, I blame mania... (who knows--never been diagnosed bipolar..but .... ) or.. i've even though.. of .. what is that SADD.. the seasonal disorder..where because of the lighting and the sun. I notice now, when i wake up in the AM, because the sun is up, I smile, because it feels good, to see the sun, rather than the dark when getting up. The weather, though a little dreary, is getting soooo much better. Its very nice to see.

Well hoping to find more time for my blog. It is one of the best therapies.. for both myself and for my friends to help me thru the tough times. If I keep things bottled up inside.. that is when I explode. I don't want to explode anymore. I just want to be happy, and to live my life, the way it needs to be lived. I want to do something with it. Wish me luck.

NAS I CAN

[Kids-x2]I know I can (I know I can)Be what I wanna be (be what I wanna be)If I work hard at it (If I work hard it)I'll be where I wanna be (I'll be where I wanna be)[Nas]Be, B-Boys and girls, listen upYou can be anything in the world, in God we trustAn architect, doctor, maybe an actressBut nothing comes easy it takes much practiceLike, I met a woman who's becoming a starShe was very beautiful, leaving people in aweSinging songs, Lina Horn, but the younger versionHung with the wrong personGotta astrung when I heard whenCocaine, sniffing up drugs, all in her noseCoulda died, so young, now looks ugly and oldNo fun cause now when she reaches for hugs people hold they breathCause she smells of corrosion and deathWatch the company you keep and the crowd you bringCause they came to do drugs and you came to singSo if you gonna be the best, I'ma tell you howPut your hand in the air and take the vow[Chorus - 2x (Nas and Kids)]I know I can (I know I can)Be what I wanna be (be what I wanna be)If I work hard at it (If I work hard it)I'll be where I wanna be (I'll be where I wanna be)[Nas]Be, B-Boys and girls, listen againThis is for grown looking girls who's only tenThe ones who watch videos and do what they seeAs cute as can be, up in the club with fake IDCareful, 'fore you meet a man with HIVYou can host the TV like Oprah WinfreyWhatever you decide, be careful, some men beRapists, so act your age, don't pretend to beOlder than you are, give yourself time to growYou thinking he can give you wealth, but soYoung boys, you can use a lot of help, you knowYou thinkin life's all about smokin weed and iceYou don't wanna be my age and can't read and writeBegging different women for a place to sleep at nightSmart boys turn to men and do whatever they wishIf you believe you can achieve, then say it like this[Chorus]Be, be, 'fore we came to this countryWe were kings and queens, never porch monkeysIt was empires in Africa called KushTimbuktu, where every race came to get booksTo learn from black teachers who taught Greeks and RomansAsian Arabs and gave them gold whenGold was converted to money it all changedMoney then became empowerment for EuropeansThe Persian military invadedThey heard about the gold, the teachings and everything sacredAfrica was almost robbed nakedSlavery was money, so they began making slave shipsEgypt was the place that Alexander the Great wentHe was a'shocked at the mountains with black facesShot up they nose to impose what basicallyStill goes on today, you see?If the truth is told, the youth can growThey learn to survive until they gain controlNobody says you have to be gangstas, hoesRead more learn more, change the globeGhetto children, do your thingHold your head up, little man, you're a kingYoung Princess when you get your wedding ringYour man is saying "She's my queen"[Chorus x2]Save the music y'all, save the music y'allSave the music y'all, save the music y'allSave the music

The Panic Attack Dream

I don't want to retype it, so I'm just going to cut and paste what I wrote to my group earlier. I'm really disturbed by this... and if anyone has any ideas on how to help me with this.. please do. :)

Hello all,

HOpe everyone is safe, and know that I am too. I'm so upset today. I want to say I'm doing better than I have been. I found myself even giving myself a positive pep talk today, even without trying. I couldn't believe it. I'm usually so negative. I had my first Panic attack today, and I'm not even sure it can really be called so. I had it in a dream. I'm still so freaked out about it, and don't know what to do. I have anxiety about using my bf's bathroom now, luckily it happened at his house.. but still, its really hard. In the dream, I go into the bathroom, and I'm standing there in my pajamas, and my head is wrapped in a towel, ( the bathroom is blue), I turn around and latch the bathroom door, that have a little lock thingy. I stand in the middle, (it a large bathroom) as I stand in the middle of the bathroom I realize its not his bathroom,and I my heart starts to beat fast, and I am getting really really hot, I don't know what to do. The towel falls from my head.. and the room starts spinning.. then the towel is on my head.. my heart is beat faster and faster.. i feel paralized.. i can't move.. i can't speak, I'm so hot.. and scared, and I have to go to the bathroom... and this bathroom isn't Mikes.. and the towel falls.. again.. and i try to get it. . but its still on my head.. and I'm so hot.. I want to rip my clothes off.. but I'm afraid someone will see me naked, but i know, this isn't his bathroom and is seems so real, and I have to go to the bathroom, and the room is spinning and I'm so hot.. and I'm trying to scream.. and trying to scream.. and I want out and I just can't move... and I don't know what to do... and then I hear a scream.. and I feel the bed underneath me... and I feel my heart pound.. and I'm awake... And I just lay there... i feel like its had to breath.. and I"m alone in my boyfriends bed, and I know hes in the other room, but I"m so scared, of what is going to happen, and did I really scream, or was it part of the dream.. and I just lay there, and my heart is just pounding.. I've never felt anything so scary in my life.. So i go into the other room.. and my boyfriend looks at me.. and I ask him.. did i scream and he says.. yes.. and I tell him a little bit about it.. and I tell him I'm scared to go to the bathroom.. but.. I go anyway... I'm so scared something is going to happen, but I know that my fear is unrealistic.. but my heart pounds faster as I walk into the bathroom anyway.. and everytime i think of the blue bathroom, just as I am now.. I feel the same fear.. I felt.. After I went back to bed.. I think I cried for about an hour.. trying to tell myself not to be scared. I don't understand. I don't want to dream these things, or feel this things. I don't like things that are beyong my control.. but who does. Does anyone have anything helpful that they do, when they experience things like this... ??