Testing... 1... 2... 3...

The pregnancy test came out negative. Thank god. I thought about how long it would take me to get a gun if I were. That scares me. Had a long talk with my good friend, JM, though.. and he told me I need to quit running away, cuz basically I'd have to deal with this baby if I was pregnant. I couldn't ever bare to have an abortion, but I'm not raising another child on my own.

T.. and I.. well not sure whats going on with that. I'm not feeling hate for him anymore, I partly understand... but.. I feel like no matter what I say it doesn't make a difference. I've told him before, that even if he decides not to call, email me.. or something. I don't just worry.. ya know why he didn't call. I wonder if he's cheating, I wonder if he's just ok. I want to make sure he's safe.

I wrote him a letter after I IMed him:

THE IM:

WEll, i guess you will get this when/ if you get back online, which is a good thing. I don't know how to trust you, or anyone completely. I do want to trust you, but I don't have any reason to. I don't understand why you wouldn't tell me where you lived before... or why you are always so vague when i do ask questions. When I ask you to call, and tell you I'm upset, then.. I really need to you call. I was soo upset last nite, cuz I still thought I mite be pregnant. Then I saw.. you blogged, and that... you wrote "victoria" and i was crushed, hurt and angry. I couldn't belive you would take time, and money.. to email some girl you didn't know. I do understand more, that you thought it was someone you knew.. but.. still.. I told you how I felt about that, and with the whole star thing.

THE EMAIL:

I felt so betrayed, and thought that all my thoughts on being right to not trust you. I just want you to do what you say... call me when you say you will, and if you can't.. email me .. leave me an offline message.. let me know your thinking of me.

Like tonite. I Have no idea what you are really thinking... I feel like you are mad at me, and you have all right to be (they are your feelings), but I hope you can understand me a bit. Just... I don't want you to think its about you having friends.. cuz.. friends are different, the way you wrote to "her" was as if.. you wanted to take a chance "with her" and that is what I read into it.

Part of the reason.. that I wanted to talk to you last nite. . (besides the pregnancy thing-- i was very upset about that last nite) was because I wanted to find out if you had any idea what you were doing this weekend... I really want to cook for you.

The thing is, and you haven't acknowledged how I feel about this.. yet.. is that.. you are in control about everything in our relationship. The only thing I have control of, is if we continue to date (and you still have your side on that too). If you haven't noticed, I hardly call anymore, and for good reason. I don't see any point. I never know when you are home, and i know when I do call, all i can do is leave a message. You get the choice to call, I don't.. you say. when we get together.. when and if we do this and that... and I really don't like it.

Before being so angry and just wanting to strangel (sp) you today... I was wanting to talk to you about.. when we could spend some time alone together, and looking into makeing weekend arrangements for Darian.

After wanting to talk to much to begin with, you didn't want to talk, I could really use to talk some more. If you are up for it, feel free to call if you get back online tonite. I know in my heart that you won't, but you told me to ask when I want something. So I'm asking you if you will call me.

I don't want to fight. I don't want to feel sad or angry or upset about.. things. I do want to be part of your life, and I'm not. I don't feel important. I don't feel as if I am really part of ur life.

Some of the things you said to me, really hurt. About.. if you were any of your friends... I'd be gone. I think I know that already you dont have to remind me that your friends think i'm nuts, and apparently you do to. Then, I don't remember the other words, but something you said.. about... basically breaking up with me...

I feel I had grounds to be mad. I understand more, now.. and I don't hate you, ( I felt alot of hate earlier, over how stupid I could be to have trusted you as much as I did).

I know.. me saying " I don't know why you want to be with me" may not be a good thing.. but I want to understand. I do know I have good qualities, but I don't think they make up for my psycho-ness... for my neediness, for my dectective work, for my insecurities... for all my faults. ANd I guess part of me doesn't understand, what it is you are really wanting. You've vaguely told me.. you have a "five year plan" but you've not told me any details on what you want or what you need. And I want the details, just like I wanted the details of your address.

You don't have to worry about me showing up randomly at your door. I would never do that... ever... I don't even feel comfortable calling ur home, so you dont have to worry about that. I just wanted to know.. for my own purposes... beside.. isn't it normal for a girl to have her bf's address? Especially when he expressed that he wants to marry her.

I don't know if any of this helps you. I'm sorry I have so much trouble communicating on the phone.. just have alot of pain today, and its not all about you. I"m struggling inside about so many things. The pregnancy thing.. was bothering me for quite awhile, and until about 5 minutes before I talked to you. It still makes me nervous, test are sometimes wrong... and etc.. but.. if i dont get my period in a week, then I will retest. I was feeling suicidal about the whole thing. I kept telling myself that if I was pregnant I was going to blow my head off. It scared me. I don't like thinking like that. I just felt if I was pregnant, I'd be doing it on my own again, and I couldn't deal with that. I'm so mad at myself for even beign with you without protection. I know better, we talked about it, and neither of us listened. I am also confused about your response.. the first time that I told you I didn't think I was pregnant.. you acted, dissppointed. Can you explain that to me?

Well, I'm going to go get offline, my head is killing me.. and so are my eyes. If you could, and feel up to it, call me tonite.. If you don't feel up to it, I'll try and understand, but I just really wish I could cheer you up, and that we both could feel better about things. I wish I could hold you and just make everything better. Give you sweet kisses and tell you that I love you.

I love you, T.
Love
Julie

AND SOMETHING I FORGOT: (T. usually seems to read, so this is for him)

The other thing that really really upset me, and I know you said first, I'm not trying to throw this up in your face, but.... something to the effect, that you have plenty of chances to cheat on me, and could if you wanted to.

That is exactly what I see, and since I don't trust you, thats what I think about alot. ALOT. I don't really know about ur life, or what you do, or who you do it with, you are usually soo vague. I can't stand it. I mean, I've known you since June... I just got ur home address today, you've had mine.. since.. August I believe. And my address is not something I just give out. I trusted you then, you care for my heart, and now.. I just feel like I'm not important.

You say... " I have no problem with coming up there to Reading to see you and etc..." but.. you've come up 3 times. 3 times. Thats not significant in my life. Really. Thats like 19 hours every two weeks, thats like.. 570 minutes every week, thats average of 81.43minutes a day, thats less than 4 minutes out of every hour. I use the bathroom more often than that. I spend more time talking to the neighbor than that. I spend more time crying than that. I spend more time writing you emails each week, that I rarely get responses to.

Yes I know you said, you have the band, your job, and me.. and that none of them are above the other (in priorities), but I don't feel that way. Not at all. Even if you average in the time we spend on the phone, it doesn't compare.... I want to feel important, without that.. I feel nothing.

I'm getting too tired, and rambling too much.. so I will end here.

Fuck the world

FUCK YOU!
Yeah.. you.. whoever you are... I'm sure you have some evil in you. I know I do. I could kill right now. Good thing I don't have the means, time or heart to really do it.

Too pissed off to explain right now. Off to work.

Kewl

Yeah.. this is kewl you can post here now, Lis.. gotta love it. Well.. have some writing I want to do.

Class is still great, a little boring at times, but.. overall great. Took my final today and scored 100! Like what else would I score (I got 100% on all tests that I took, 4 of them)

On the way home, I thought about.. alot of things. I was thinking of Darian, and wondering how I will effect her life, when she is older. I am the person that shapes her future. I want her to be perfect, though I know its unrealistic. I don't want her to think of me like I think of my mom. I also thought.. well.. about T., and well how much Darian really needs a daddy.

T. told me that he would be more like her good friend, then he was like.. her step-dad. But that is not what she needs. She needs a father, a real father, a daddy. What scares me is her ability to know that she needs that. She stated that to me before I really even thought about it intensly. I mean.... yeah I've known it would be nice to have a father figure for her, but I never found the right now. But since day 1, Darian has, I believe, fell in love with T., like I have. We went for pizza, the next day after he came, and Darian wouldn't stop until she held his hand going into the pizza place. Same thing here, the last time he came... she was picking on him, enjoyed him picking on her... and we were all laughing and giggling madly. Darian asked him to do the airplane... and he was kind of lost as to what she wanted, so I did... it. It was great. The last Saturday he was here, we went to the Pagoda, and had a blast, climbed down the hill (Darian did some sliding) and then hiked back up. Towards the top, Darian asked T. to carry her. Neither of us was in shape to carry her.. (she's getting sooo big). I got her finally got up the final stairs after we rested a minute, then T. and I told her we'd race up. T. beat us all, I came in second, and then my little ball of energy, must of been tired, because she came up last. Not to tired to beg us to climb the tree at the top. She only really wanted T. to help her. It was sooo cute. At one point he climbed the tree too. It was so adorable. I took pictures, I hope to get developed here next week. Hopefully I will be able to post some here.

What I was saying, was that... I need T. to be her father, to reassure her, that she is taken care of, and that he will take care of both of us. Though, I am confused on his thoughts on parenthood.

One day, before we were dating... I asked him something about his sister's kids. He answered saying something about (i think) Him being undecided about that. I asked him if he thought I was asking him about him wanting kids, and then told him he misunderstood, but then I questioned him on this thought on kids. He said basically... something to the effect, that he's not ready for them, because he's not mature enough to handle the responsibility. That kind of put me off, though it was good that he was being honest.

Well.. now to my confusion.... You see... with this whole pregnancy scare thing... (which I thought was over, but isn't but I'll explain in a min). I told him last nite, that I felt like I was getting my period. So we shouldn't worry. And he said something to the effect, that he didn't think I was, but stating something.. that to me.. left me with the idea, that he was a little disappointed that I wasn't. Then said something about him thinking I wasn't pregnant... and.... then told himself something about... Yeah.. we don't want you to be pregnant right now. Well.... the thing is.. I felt like I was getting my period... I even spotted a bit, but... its not come yet. That reminds me of when I was pregnant, right around the time I was supposed to have my period, I had sex, and spotted a bit. It scares me. Yes.. I do want a child, but not now. I got this awesome job, and if I get pregnant (or are pregnant) and leave because of a baby, I don't know if I'll have a job when I get back. It scares me. I can't afford this, and I'm not raising another baby alone. I won't do it. I'd rather die. I know that sounds harsh, but that is the only thing that has brought suicidal thoughts to my head lately.. is the thought of being pregnant right now.

This is something new!

Hi, Jul! I just wanted to post in your blog and let you know that I don't think you are nuts!! I love you very much! If you do make your blog private, I hope very much I am included! =o) I think maybe you should, however, if you want to make sure that only the people who care about you read it. I LOVE reading your blog, I read it everyday to catch up on your life now that you live so far away from me..........waaaaa.............j/k. But seriously I think you are a great writer and have major potential!! LOL And don't forget, you are talking to an English/grammar major wannabe/willbe!! =o) Well, hon, I am off to bed! Take care, sweet dreams, keep on writing! TTYL

More thoughts, from me.. Psycho girl

Random thoughts, betray my head.

Do I believe I'm nucking futs? MAYBE!

Talked with T. last nite. It was nice to hear him. We really didn't "talk" about much, but he's supposed to call tonite.

They one thing that we did talk about, is that he gave his friends my screen name, and they read my blog, and now.. (though I can't speak for them) they think I'm nucking futs, to put it nicely. :) (not its not a true typo) So they read my blog, and from what he told me, they said that he should break up with me. T. thinks its funny. I don't. I'm not sure what I really think, other than the fact that I'm not comfortable with them reading it. Now they have a preconceived notion, on who I am, and what I'm about. I don't know if I'll be able to be comfortable with them now.

So now comes the debate... Do I keep my blog public ( T. made this point to me.. yes it is public for all to see, but I can move it, change it.. or make it private--to members only) I tried to make the point back to him, that if he didn't give them my screen name, its not like they would just run into it. But sure, with keyword joulesofaffection you can find out alot about me. I would like all my friends.. (or readers to give me an opinion on this) Either way.. something will change about my site in the next few days though.

The thing is.. other than what I stated previously... I am not sure why I care so much that they read it, and have access to it. Other than they have a preconceived notion of me. (that I'm not good enough, or what T. needs .. or something like that-- like I said.. I really can't speak for them) BUT if i were to randomly read my own blog-being a stranger-- I would think I was fucking nuts. The thing here.. is I post here with no inhibitions, because I know the people that read, love me.. and won't judge me on the fact that my emotions are so fucked up I can't always control them. (although, I'm working on that, and getting better)

I could be a real psycho easily, but fortunately, I have morals. Plus my daughter keeps me in line. The thing is... I don't want to stress T. out. I love him, he's an awesome guy. I just don't understand why.. he wants to deal with me. I don't even want to deal with myself sometimes. I just want to hide.. and never come out.

Another day....

I wanted to post today, because I wrote to someone in my support group (The Limbic), and I wrote to him, because his letter touched me. I won't share that here, but the basis of his letter was, that he wanted to get back with his ex gf, who was BPD. From my understanding they had been together for a while. Since they broke up, he joined support groups and read all the books he could. He's courageous in my eyes.

Here is the letter I replied to him:

HI S.,
Your letter touched me, and I also saw that you were looking for responses, so I thought I would respond. I just want you to know, everything I say, is in response to what I deal with in my life being BPD. I recently started dating someone I was friends with a while, that knew what I was like, and that things wouldn't be easy. I feel like I'm tortureing him and he was mad at me, and I haven't talked to him in four days, which isn't normal.
Being with him has brought me alot of happiness, but also, runs rampant on my emotions, I can't stand being in a relationship, because I turn into this other person, this person, that is insecure, and untrusting, and unsure of myself.
I do want to say that I'm glad you joined support groups, and read all the books, because they will help you to understand, help you to deal with daily life, and how to help her deal with her problem. Everytime I mention BPD to my bf, he doesn't say anything about it... and that bothers me. I want to get better, but I can't do it on my own.
My opinion on most therapist and doctors... they dont know what they are talking about. YOu aren't just "cured" of BPD.. nor does it just go away.. (from my understanding)
I don't know about her, but when I'm upset, I just need someone to be there, that someone in my life is my bf, I just need to know he's around, and that he cares, and that he loves me.. and it makes things so much better.
Try not to think of it as a waste of time, if nothing, you will learn more about life, and BPD, and about ur self in the process. I won't be easy, as you well know, but if you truely love each other, and want it to work, it will.
I hope at least one thing I've talked about you understand, I'm not in the best right now, to even be writing this, but I wanted to let you know that I will be thinking of the two of you, and that I wish you the best. If you want to talk more, in private or otherwise, email me at joulesofaffection@rocketmail.com (and that goes for anyone that wants to email me) or IM me on yahoo- joulesofaffection or AOL-joulessaffection or MSN-makelovenotpeace@hotmail.com
Have a great day!!
Julie

More of the same...

I don't understand, not sure I ever will. Does he think space will make things better? Maybe for him, but my anger has been building up since Thursday... and continues to double by the day. And now, I just want to go break something.

Keeping busy though. Trying to work on cleaning this room... and doing laundry. Getting ready for work tommorrow. I can't wait to get back there, so I have more to keep me busy.

I just don't understand... I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. I feel unimportant. I keep thinking all these aweful things. Like, why doesn't he care enough. Isn't it important that we talk and get this out of our systems. What is it he's really hiding from me? Who is he with that is so important? Is he cheating on me? I have no trust whatsoever. I keep playing everything I want to say to him in my head. I really am unsure that we should continue the relationship. I'm not going to change overnite, and its going to keep hurting him, which is going to keep hurting me. So I don't really see the point.

I just don't see how things will fit together in the future.

I wrote him another letter :

Emailing you, cuz I need to get some things out, and you haven't called. I didn't think you would, but.. I was hoping. First I want to let you know, its not about what I want in the relationship, because you are in control. You control, when and if we see each other, and when and if we talk on the phone. I don't get mad if you don't come see me every day... I understand thats not possible. You sounded really mad in that email, and I don't quite understand how you think, ignoring me is going to help the situation. And if you dont think you are ignoring me that is fine, but that is how I feel.
Not talking to me.. hurts me. It makes any trust I have in you, start to dissappear. I want to have faith that you are going to be there for me, but when I'm upset or hurting, you aren't. I know thats not possible for you to be there for me all the time, but I feel like.. the more I tell you I'm upset, the more you prefer not to talk to me, or call me back, or email me back.
I am sorry, that it hurts you when I get upset, that you are afraid to lose me.. ( and i'm not sure if you are thinking, I'll dump you, or if I'll kill myself) but either way.. I dont want you to have to fear that every day. But I do need you, I need you to be there for me, more. I want you to be able to talk to me about it.. rather than wait till I piss you off. Tell me, Julie, I understand you are hurting, but I need to go to bed, and try and give me some tips or something on how to get myself out of the mood. Thinking more positive helps, and so does imagery... I forget these things when i get so upset. I need your help to get better. Thats if this is what you really want.
The reason I was so upset the other nite.. was.. for various reasons.. the one being .. you saying we would be together "eventually" which I think I wrote to you about... (or blogged about)... but I've also been upset about alot of things. The fact that I could (or couldn't) be pregnant. I should of started my period yesterday, and have no signs or symptoms of starting it.. other than I'm feeling bitchy. I was also upset cuz, I knew that you wouldn't be coming to see me. It was pretty obvious to me. I was also upset because you wouldn't tell me what happened to Greg ( I think thats his name). I can't stand being told part of something, and not hearing the rest. I feel like you are hiding something... Like for instance.. is he dead? is he not friends with you anymore? was he abducted by aliens? I mean seriously. And one more thing I can think of.. is the fact that I don't feel like I know much about you. I don't know where you live, or what you do on a daily basis. And when I asked, where did you live, you were really vague about, same when i asked about your job. That and I did a search on the internet about you, and found out some more stuff about a previous band you were in, and some other stuff, like my favourite picture of you is on http://www.longhairedmen.com/ which was cute to find. I did see that one of your keywords on hotornot was cradle of filth, but I never knew what it was about till today. You never mentioned that band to me.
But.. I am getting ready for bed and I do hope to hear from you soon. I would write more, but I dont want to bore you... plus i have like a million things going on...
I hope to talk to you soon..
Love,
Julie Ann Lathrop

Today

Feeling down today. More angry than down I guess. I hate letting things sit, I hate sitting on my feelings, and my pain and hurt. It makes me angry inside. (plus I'm not feeling good & and its about that time of the month-- at least I hope).

I yelled at Darian a few times tonite, overly.. and I keep overreacting.

I just don't understand if he loves me so much, why wouldn't he want to talk to me. Why would he be online and not want to talk to me. Why wouldn't he call. I don't understand, and I'm not sure I ever will. I just don't feel like I'm important in his life at all. Actually I'm not, I'm not really "in" his life. And I don't see it happening. All I've felt like doing is crying, plus I have a hell of a headache today, so I'm feeling pretty ill.

I did talk to my sister, S., today... and I ended up crying.. she wanted to talk to me about coming down for Thanksgiving, I couldn't believe it.. we've fought alot in the last year, and I'd almost given up on her. I could use her, she's a good pick me up!! I love her so much, she's my first little angel.

I'm also stressed out cuz Darian had an accident today at the post office, and most the people there were idiots. This one lady.. flipped out, basically treating me and my daughter like dirt. Saying I need to teach my child to potty train, and how disgusting it was. Luckily this other lady, who was a parent, helped me feel better about it.. and helped clean up the mess. Poor Darian.

Part of me wishes I could just blow my head off, then I wouldn't feel any more pain. Part of me wishes I could know that tommorrow will be better.. and the day after even better.. and the day after.. ya know. I'm really worried about being pregnant. I think I'll call the clinic on Monday and see if there is any way I can get in. Just so I know for sure. If I found out I was pregnant.. I would blow my head off, I couldn't handle it.

Another Letter!!

Calmed down a bit, feeling better. A few of my friends helped with that. THANK YOU!
I wrote T. a letter.. and well.. I hope it makes up for the last two I sent.

T.,
First I want to ask you to please forgive me. I don't know why I'm like this.. (well it is part of the borderline thing). I don't want to break up. I just keep wanting to push you away. I don't know what I'd do without you. I've had a chance to calm down, and think rationally. We do need to talk. (read my blog for more info).

I want to say.. the one that had me really upset last nite.. was that you said... "oh we will be together eventually" and I said.. "eventually" and you were like.. yeah... well.. I didn't like that. I hurt.

I do need to try and open up to you more about my feelings. Its hard for me. Its hard for me to understand that you need space tonite. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I feel hurt. I really truely don't think you have enough time for me. I don't understand how I fit into your life, or how we will fit together in the future. I want to. I really do.

I really needed you, and i'm sorry if you think I completely don't understand. I do understand, but, yes.. I am very demanding, I expect too much, and I'm too needy and need too much reassurance. I can't change overnite.

We do really need to talk though. It is hard for me.. because... I don't understand.. because.. you are one of the most important things in my life, and I would move heaven and earth to be with you. I just have one priority before you, and that is Darian.

One thing that is frustrating for me.. is last minute plans. I don't like it. I like things planned, mostly cuz I need to,. because of the whole sitter situation.

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm sorry if I upset you, I'm sorry if I hurt you, I'm sorry for pushing you away. But I'm hurting for a million reasons right now.... and I really could use to talk to you. I'm sorry if I stress you out. I need you to acknowledge the fact that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, it will help if I feel comfortable talking to you about it. There are so many books on it, and if we work together... I have faith we can overcome it... together. I can't do it alone and I can't do it if I feel I'm in it alone. I need you. I need you really bad right now.

I love you and miss you, and please.. call me.. sometime soon. I need to hear your voice, and know you love me.. and I want to try to understand why you are upset with me. I want you to be able to tell me... in person... when I'm doing these things.. acknowledging.. is the first step. to help me change.

I love you, T. .... more than anything...

More than anything,
Brighter than a star,
More than anything,
Faster than the fastest car.

Bringing me happiness,
And lots of joy,
Better than a child's Christmas,
And their new toy.

To infinity and beyond,
Farther and farther away,
Better than anything,
Metallica could play.

My heart aches,
My soul cries,
Take me anywhere
That American flies.

Anywhere, as long as
its with you.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me its true.

Hope my poem.. wasn't too corny... I do love you, and please call so we can talk about this.. I do want to explain myself..

Love,
(hopefully)
Julie Ann Mallory

My aunt..

She's trying to cheer me up. I just read her T.'s letter and she was trying to explain it to me. I understand part of it. But I also understand, that I need more. I know, its probably not realistic. I need more, more than anyone could give me. I'm too needy, too insecure, and I guess I give up to easily. I'm sure.. part of me is just wanting to push him away.. it makes it easier for me. But all I feel is abandonment... I feel hurt.. I feel unloved.

I never get to see him. And we don't talk as much as I like. I know.. its unrealistic, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it. I think the real reason i was so upset last nite.. was.... because T. said... something to the effect... that we will be together eventually. He usually says, that we will be together soon. That makes me feel good. Eventually makes me think never... not in this life time.

I've been wanting to details of his life, of his "five year plan" and I've yet to get them. I know.. the questions.. that I haven't asked him and I should. I have so many questions about his life.

My aunt said he's just needing his space.. and maybe he is. But I need more, and I don't know if I'll see it any other way. I need someone that can deal with me. I need someone to be a father to my child. I need someone that lives closer. From the day.. he told me... he wanted to be closer to me.. (living closer). I couldn't understand his thinking on that to how its possible. He has his band, and living closer to me, means being farther from the band. I just don't see how that would work. I just don't see us being happy.

I'm not just saying all this cuz I'm upset right now, some of these things I've been thinking for days, some for weeks.

Everything seems so hopeless right now, and all I want is someone to talk to about it.

Things take a change....

Last nite, I was talking to T., and I thought we had a nice conversation. He shared alot of things with me, that I thought was awesome, because he shared so much with me, some really personal things. Before we got off the phone, I got upset, I started feeling bad about things. .and was stressing out about money. I get stressed out, cuz I really don't know much about him.. and he doesn't offer up too much info. I got upset, cuz he said he didn't know if he could see me on Friday, because he didn't know if he could afford to. That really upset me. For more reasons than I could ever begin to state. Mostly cuz it reminded me of one of my ex's that had different priorities than me.

Below is his letter to me:
Hello Julie,
I writing this because I don't really want to call right now. Sadly I am notcoming out to see you tonight. I really need to get some rest and I'm slightyoverdue for some downtime. Not to mention I'm a little mad at you right now.
Julie, I love you, I think you know that, but I don't think you realize howmuch you upset me when you get upset simply because I want to go to sleep. Don't you think I miss you too? I am working very hard trying to get my lifetogether because I wnat to be with you. I have to balance work, the band, andyou... I don't ask you anything in return, other then to love me and this iswhat I get? I have to worry if I'm going to lose you simply over a missedphone call, if I can't see you when you want me to?
I'll get it over this, and I'll still love you after, but right now....I amtaking my downtime...
Your future hubby,
T.


Well.. I was so upset (but i've been that way all day.. on the edge of tears, and even crying at different points today) I sent this message to him:

Thanks for at least emailing me. Its not just about you going to sleep. Don't worry about me. Have a nice life

Julie

I know.. I know.. Immature, rediculous.. and just stupid. Plus it sounds like I'm going to do something bad.. which I'm not. I cried for a while, and talked to my aunt.. and cried some more.. then I came back.. with the intentions to write in my blog, but proceded to write to him....
As Follows:
T,
I apoligize about the last email. I was very angry and upset. Sadly.. it is your decision not to call. As it is not my decision, to end our relationship. Yes I am still very angry and upset, but I can't deal with being in a relationship, let alone in a relationship where I can't understand your actions, reactions.. and thinking. I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell me you are angry with me. I would tell you.

Well, you certainly don't have to worry about me interrupting your sleep, or your life anymore. I told you from the beginning, you don't have the time that I need from you. I can't do this. I didn't get upset because you wanted to go to bed, I was upset before that, it just so happened, that you decided to go to bed. I'm sorry.. if I upset you, thats not my intentions. I just hurt alot inside, most of which has nothing to do with you. I get these aweful mood swings, and feel deeply sad and suicidal alot still. THose feelings wont change overnite, its going to take alot of work on my part. I don't, nor will I ever understand why you want to be with me. Maybe because of neediness.. I'm not really sure. I know my reasons for wanting to be with you... you made me feel good inside, made me feel more positive, and loved.... You knew, going into this.. how I was.. I never hid anything from you, i've told you various times that I'm hard to deal with, I have problems in relationships with men... I feel alone and abandoned at the least little problem. I can't help that. Thats me, its part of how I am. They are my feelings.

Part of me regrets already some of the things I've wrote, but your email really hurt me. It hurts me more that you emailed it rather than told me in person. I wonder if you would of really understood me.. I need more than y ou can give me. I need more than anyone can give me. I need to find out some things for myself.

I know this letter will hurt you. I don't want it to. Part of me wishes.. already.. that I wouldn't of told you that I wanted to break up. But I feel I do. If you want to talk about it, you know where to find me, because I won't bother you. (don't worry, I'm not going to go kill myself)

I've just been feeling really bad about alot of things lately... and I feel really alone, scared.. and lots of other things. I just wish... that.. you understood.. that its not about you wanting to go to bed. I do love you, very much. So much it hurts, it hurts every inch of my body.

Love,
Julie Ann Lathrop

FITDAY

wow.. 4 posts in one day.. but this one was important. I have a weblog of sorts on FITDAY and I just updated it, and decided that I am going to try and keep up with it. Its important to my health and my future to be healthy. Its just nice to post that I lost the 8 or so lbs that were floating around after I started the steriod treatments. I put a new goal up, and I want to be down by 24 lbs, before the new year. Lisa is going to be doing this with me too. I find it great to have a partner, because doing it alone is hard. Wish us both luck!!

HATE or LOVE

I hate him, but I love him at the same time. I'm not talking about T., I'm talking about EPB. Yes I do love him, I always will, he was part of my life... part of helping me figure out what I really wanted in my life.

He just called. The conversation went like this...
I said " hi, how you doing?"
He said.. " I just called to tell you its over"
I said " what do you mean? what do you mean its over? Peter?"
He said... " Its over"
I said..." Peter, are you planning on doing something stupid?"
He said.. "no, hold on"
mumbled something. then clicked to the other line..
a few minutes later.. quite a bit later..
He got back on.. and said " Goodbye, Julie, Its over"
I said.." Peter, wait.. what do you mean"
He said " Goodbye" angrily I mite add.... and hung up.

My first thought.. was that he was going to try to kill myself. Its a typical scenario. I called his house.. got the voice mail and left a message.

I just called back.. and he said " what do you want?"
I said.." I want to make sure you are alright"
He said "yeah I'm alright.. (screaming) and you can go and fuck whoever you want, just leave me alone"
And I started to try and talk.. and he hung up.

I don't know what to think or feel... I really wish I did. I'm so sad, and scared for him. So sad that he can't deal with this. He's a good guy, and I wish him all the happiness... but.. he just doesn't see that we weren't good together. I partly feel bad, because while I was in the hospital I told him I would go thru couples therapy.... and I didnt'. I was falling too much for T. T. was satisfying my main needs at the time, and I turned to him. He made me happy.. and he still does. He knows how to soothe me.. how to make me laugh.

EPB.... I wish he knew that he was a good guy. I wish he did. He just really needs some therapy. He needs to learn to love himself. He needs to get away from those parents of his. He needs to find what he really wants to do with his life.

I still have this bad feeling, he mite try something, to hurt himself. I couldn't live with the thought if he did. I'm scared. I don't know what to do though.

150th POST ( I think)

Anyway.. lots to write about today. Just wondering where to start. Day was ok, for the most part my spirits are up. No suicidal feelings. Always a plus. Got some laundry done... and well.. thats about it. Oh.. cooked some chicken too.

Pissed at F. though, thats my aunts fiance. He lives here. I found out.. today .. he let my daughter go across the street to the neighbors house, and she wasn't being watched. I'm wondering if I should just find some sort of daycare, or daycare program to take her after school, so I can limit the time she's doing stuff.. and I dont know what it is.

I realized some things, about why I get so upset about things with T. First I'm like the nosiest person in world... so when I don't know something, and you don't offer up the info, I feel like someone is hiding something from me. I'm that way with anyone, but expecially.. someone close. He's told me.. he thinks I understand him.. but I don't feel that I do. I understand parts of him... but not the whole him. My biggest problem is I don't feel like I'm really part of his life. I don't like feeling like a part time girlfriend. He does make time for me..... I know he does, but I always need more. I'll always want more. (or feel like I will). I've dumped alot of boyfriends, because they couldn't or wouldn't make time for me. I don't have any intentions of dumping T., he's the best thing in my life, but I wonder... how long will this go on. I'm so impatient, and we just started dating... I hate only seeing him once a week. Less than 24 hours in a week, doesn't make up for the other 144 I sit here missing him. I wish it did. I wish I could be happy with what I get, but I'm not. But I realized that is the only reason, I want a better life for my daughter, because I'm not happy, and I want more, so I work hard, and try my best, so I can do better than my parents, and grandparents.. and etc.

I feel like I have no choice about things in our relationship. Like when we talk on the phone, or when we see each other... or anything... I'm not used to that. I'm used to being the one in charge... the one .. that makes all the decisions, so this is going to be something I have to get used to. Last nite, we were talking.. and he said he was going.. and I got pissy.. and he just continued to say goodbye.. and I was like " Its not like I have a choice" and he said I did.... and.. talked a min.. and then.. said goodbye again... and I asked him " please don't leave" and he said.. "see .. was that hard" I feel like... when I ask him to stay... I'm asking him to do something, that he doesn't want to do. I feel like.. well.. the way I act.. is like.. I try to make him feel guilty for leaving. I don't intentionally do it.. but.. I still feel it from the after effects. I don't want to mess up this relationship.. but I just have so many worries. I'm soo scared, so upset, over the fact that I become so needy. T. says he is needy, but I feel its different than the way I am. Somehow I let it control me... and I need to get a grip on it.

I'm getting tired though.. want to write more, but need to get Dare to bed.

Doing Something

Feeling a bit better now. T. read my blog, which was great and we were able to talk abit. I was upet about the way he let me go, though.. I knew he needed to go. I'm feeling better, because right now (although I should be sleeping) I'm doing somethings for myself.

I've been looking up bankruptcy info. So far, still seems cut and dry. Seems simple in my case, since I don't really own anything of value. Still have to finish my database, then request credit reports, and then going to call EAP, see if I can get a referral, cuz then I guess we can get a discount.

Also did something bigger for myself. I read an email from one of my support groups and read that my friend in England recently took the MENSA test and passed. I was told a few years back, that it was a great experience, and I really should try to take the test, and get in. I did some research and found it. .its National Testing Day on the 16th of October. I sent an email to see if anyone in the area was doing testing. So, hopefully, the will... and I'll be able to go take the test. The prospect is exciting, and makes me nervous at the same time.

Just doing things for myself is fulfilling. I like to keep busy. I'm happier that way.

I still worry about T. and I. I wonder if I will fuck up. Part of him seems too perfect. How did I get so lucky? (we say that often to each other). I know, part of me feels like I don't know him enough, part of me feels like we've known each other forever. Its scary. But awesome at the same time.

Crying

I'm down from my high for the week. I'm so sad and so upset right now. Partly for like a million reasons, but I don't understand T. at all. I feel like I know him, I feel that I truely love him, but part of me doesn't want to trust him. Part of me just wants to leave, forget everything. The thing is he didn't do anything, really. I wish he would of called me by now. I mean, he was online and everything. I think I feel so suspicious, cuz I feel like I don't know anything about him. Really I don't. I don't now much about his family, his friends, his life. I don't even know where he really lives. He's so loving when with me though, so sweet, and so attentive. I love it. It doesn't feel real though. I'm scared. I'm upset. I just want to go cut myself. I want to slice my wrists, only knowing, I'd fuck up my job if I did. So then I think about cutting other parts. It scares me. What am I capable of. What could I do.

I don't know what else to say, to write. I don't even know how to tell T. how I'm feeling. I don't know how to share with him. I'm afraid... afraid of my life. Last nite, T. and I sex, without protection, after we already had the talk about how we should use protection. I don't like condoms, and things just happened. At one point, I told him that we really should be using protection, and we just continued. I didn't think anything at the moment, but now.. I feel bad. Also today, I started to say EPB's name, when I was talking about him.. I said to Darian, Me and P... and stopped my statement. T., laughed. I just wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so hard. How could I call him that? He reminds me nothing of him. Nothing.

I just feel like I'm going crazy. I'm hurting so bad. I really thought he'd call me when he got home, and he hasn't. I felt before, he wouldn't have time for me.... and he doesn't. He just keeps reminding me of the future, and.... thats all fine and great.... what about what I need now? I'm not strong. I'm weak, I'm tired and scared. I'm hurting so bad, and just want to be held. I feel like I'm having an affair with a married man or something. I'm not sure where to go from here. Part of me thinks things could work, and be wonderful, but part of me... just wants to run. Am I just pushing away.. or do I have a right to feel this way. I wish I had the answers.

Great day.

I'm so relieved. My first day at The Hartford was wonderful. Beyond Belief. I'm waiting for someone to kick me, and tell me its a big joke. Half my problems are solved. I have money coming in, I have health insurance, and lots more benefits. Made some new friends.

My reason for posting though, is cuz I wanted to post a letter I wrote to my new bf, the love of my life, and hopefully my future husband.




HI Sweetie,
Hope your day was at least as good as mine if not better. I was still a little upset last nite, when we hung up, but I did some self talk and felt like 97% better. I realized, that right now, ( I know.. you've told me) I have alot going for me. I really do. Alot of potential. Just I"m a perfectionist and when things aren't perfect, I go to pieces. I realized how awesome it is that I got this job, somethign I've been looking for since I came here (and even before- Since about January) in July. I realized what a wonderful supportive caring boyfriend I have, and I wish I would of been able to tell you last nite, that I'm not mad at you anymore. I wasn't really that mad at you, its just when I got upset, all the thoughts came to my head. I do understand that you fell asleep, and that isn't what I was upset about, it was about the promise. I know you know that. I do want you to know, I don't want to break up with you, part of it was my being so upset (about sooo many things) and the other part was not wanting to be hurt again, and part of too was also the pushing away, I'm sure.

I missed you so much this weekend. I'm really anxious to see you again. I hope its soon. I want to be in your arms. It makes me feel good that you want the same. One thing about me.. and I'm not sure I've said this before...( and supposedly its part of borderline personality disorder-- I can shut up about that too , if you want... I just wonder what you think of it... cuz you haven't said anythign) For me, when you are here, and when I talk to you, and get your emails I know you love me, but when you aren't here, with me in some way, I forget, I seriously do. I feel like once you've gone, you won't be coming back. Abandonment issues I guess. Its just hard. I guess the one really good thing about all the problems I've had in this last year or so.. is that I've learned alot about myself and my faults, and what I will tolerate and what I wont. I've learned alot more, but that is just the beginning.

More than anything I just want you to know I love you. I've never met a man like you, and I'm actually glad for that. I wouldn't want any other man but you. I dream of our future every day. I loved when you told me.. something about.. wanting to grow old with me,... seeing my hair turn gray. I almost cried. I good cry though. Every time we talk, you amaze me. You really do. I love that you think I'm so wonderful, even when I tell you the bad things about myself. I had a few guys I dated, don't remember which ones, but they never complimented me.. I never really took compliments well for a long time, partly cuz my self esteem was low at that point, but.. (not sure what I'm trying to say). I guess that I like that you compliment me, and even if I kind of shrug it off sometimes, it means alot to me. So don't ever stop. I'm a bit conceited, in reality. That is one thing that has bothered me this last 6 months or so, I guess the stereotype that all depressed people, have low self esteem. I know there are times in my life, when I did, but I don't feel now is that time. I truely love myself, and the things I've done, and the things I will do, just sometimes its hard for me to deal with the things I've messed up. When I get really depressed, all I feel is like, all I've done is mess up my daughters life, and it hurts alot. I mean, if my mom had her way, and I didn't have other influences, I could see myself being just like her, but worse. Not sure if anythign I'm saying is making sense. But I hope at least some of it does. The thing with me, is when I'm knowledgeable about a subject, or a job, or whatever it is, I have lots of confidence, but if I at all doubt, what I think is right, I lose any confidence I had to begin with. For instance, this whole health care thing, I don't understand it, and don't think its right. Where I"m from clinics take you in right away, same with in Wichita. Going to the psych dr.. does take longer, but.. I guess, really, for most of my life, I haven't had to deal with not having insurance. I was alway really poor, so we got medical card thru the government, or... when I lived with my gram, I was covered thru my dad's insurance. I never had to worry about if I had to go to the dr. Then when I moved to Wichita, I didn't have insurance, but I wasn't sick, so it was great... then when I started to get sick, I had insurance. Its a really big comfort. I've been called a hypocondriac (sp) but the thing is, I do get sick alot, no matter what I do. I'm going to try and stay healthy. I really have to work on eating better. I've hard ate anything this week. I'm going to start taking my vitamins again, and be more faithful. My asthma has been good the last few days. :) Hopefully things will settle once I get the routine down. Not really used to a normal routine lately. Another thing.. with that.. is I'll be going to bed earlier.. so if we could talk about.. like when we can talk on the phone.. like when your going to be home or whatever.. I'd appreciate that. I really miss you when I don't get a chance to hear your voice.

Wow.. I'm writing alot. I hope you don't mind. I've really had a good day today. Stayed in a positive mood, which is the number one thing for me. ( i know talking to you last nite helped alot, and well.. shopping) Because now, I know I'll look nice tomorrow, then I feel more confident. I mostly don't care what people think of how I look, I wear some strange things sometimes, but... when I'm going somewhere new, I guess.. I'm just looking to make a good first impression. Its more important than people think. I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!! Was just thinking that, so had to say it.

I can't wait till we get so spend more time together. I look so forward to that. I do look forward to growing old together too, which is a funny thing, cuz I never really pictured myself living after 40. I always wanted to die young. I don't want to know, not at all. Part of what keeps me going in life, is showing others, I can do more than they ever thought I could. I want to be better than my family, especially my parents. I want to do something important with my life. I really truely want to live. Mostly for myself, but also for you, for Darian.. and well for the kids we will have together. Just imagine, a bunch of gorgeous little geniuses running around the house. I think showing your kids you love them no matter what, is one of the most important thing about being a parent. No matter what I've put my daughter thru, these last years, and I wish I could take away any pain I've caused her, I know she has never doubted that I love her. I tell her often, I show it.

I'm almost in tears, just thinking about all that my life contains. I think I've told you before but I feel you bring out the good in me. You help me realize and take comfort in the happy times in my life. For a long time, all I thought about the sadness.. and thats all I dwelled on. I love telling you my stories.. I love having someone to listen to me ramble. I do find it ironic though, that you bring out the happiness in me, because part of you seems so dark. One thing that surprised me... was that teddy bear in your back seat. This dark goth metal guy, has a I love you teddy bear, with a red heart in the back seat of his car. Cute, funny. I do want to hear your stories. I never want to stop learning about you.

I really need to stop watching tv. For more reasons than one. It keeps triggering me. Tonite... I was watching this show.. called.. My Best Friend's Husband and it was fine till the end.. when the one lady, that slept with the husband, goes the wife, and says .. she is her best friend, always has been and always will be. Then I thought of my best friend Jenn, and what happened in our relationship. What happened, because of her husband, because of my instability, and almost insanity at the time, and how he took advantage of me. I get so angry when I think of it. I get so angry for how he hurts her, and she wont admit it. How sad she is inside, and I can't do anything now.... She doesn't understand. I can't imagine a day in hell when I would choose a man over my best friend. Not sure I should be telling you this... but. .. the whole thing just sucks. I mean.. not saying you would or anything. but if you slept with my best friend.. I'd be mad at you both.. for a while.. and then I'd probably forgive her.. and still be mad at you. Friends, and lovers, they have two different commitments.. (not sure I'm making sense). I don't know why I'm rambling about this. I trust you, when you say you'd never cheat on me, but its just hard for me to believe.. that.. what was it you said.. that .. none of the girls you meet compare to me. I bet you meet alot of attractive women. I'm envious every moment.. of every woman.. that gets to look at you when I'm not around. I love you, I love everything about you, including the tight pants my aunt hates.. (lol). I love looking into your eyes, I love the way you look at me, I love your smile, your touch, the way you hold me at nite. The way you hold me in general. You make me feel really special.

I think I will stop rambling now, and get my silly ass to bed. I have to be up at 7:30 to get Dare off to school, then beautify myself and get myself off to work. Wish me luck.. not that I need it.

If you get in late tonite.. could you just give me a ring. I could really use to hear your voice, and some I love you's to make my nite turn out right. (don't worry about waking me.. please!! Please just call) I soothes me to sleep, and makes me more sure, things will turn out right.

I do want to apoligize. I'm sorry if I gave you a hard time last nite. I don't know how you keep your sanity around me. I drive myself nuts sometimes. Also wanted to tell you thanks for sharing that myspace thing with me. It was great to read the things you wrote, and alot of stuff was just cute. Plus. I saw the band had a thingy too, and I got to listen to your music there. Definately Kewl. Though.. I do have to say... I'm jealous of your "prospects" there on myspace. Lots of cute girls that definately dig you. ( Oh that.. and well, your profile there, says your single, so .. you know, I don't want any chics hitting on you-- thats my job) I updated some stuff on my profile there, so check it out when you get a chance. Besides... I know.. they don't have a chance.. in hell... cuz you are all mine.

One more thing.. (I think). I asked you the other day, if you read my blog, cuz I do write alot of things there that are important to me. There is nothing in particular I'm wanting you to read, but.. I say things there sometimes, I don't always say outloud.. or to you .. but.. well.. just read it when you have time (yeah.. thats a good concept.. time). It I think, will just give you a deeper look into me. (either that, or make you run away screaming)

Well, I will finally end it here.. ( i know. enough.. enough).. but.. if you get chance.. just call me.. give me 5 minutes.. or ten.. or.. etc.. lol.. No..seriously.. would love to hear how your day was, how practice was.. how the boys are.. and anything else interesting that mite of happened. No chicks called you at like 5 am yesterday did they??? But anyway... I love you so much, and can't wait to hear from you. And please email me back... otherwise.. I'd be very dissappointed, I feel like I've told you alot in this email. The whole abandonment thing.. if I don't get a response.. I feel like you don't care.. or just stuff like that.

I'm really glad you are in my life. I love you & miss you!!

Love, Hugs & Kisses,
Juli Ann

What do I need?

This probably is what I need. Talking here, to myself, and working things through, on my own. I need to quit being so dependent on wanting/having to have someone to talk things out with. Someone to cheer me up. I need to work on cheering myself up.

I just don't know how to do it. I talk here, and get some things out, but it doesn't really mean anything to me, if noone wants to listen, or if noone understands. More than anything... I just wish I was being held right now. Part of me wishes he was here right now, holding me.. running his fingers thru my hair, kissing me... running his fingers over my skin, the other part of me... wishes, I wouldn't of started this in the first place. I don't think any of the reasons I'm mad are good enough to break up. But other than that I do love him, he's a great guy, I don't know if I see a future. I know part of this is.. the fact that I don't like to dream, because I am the only one that gets hurt. Believe me, I do dream about what we could have, every day, but it doesn't feel realistic at all. I hate believeing, hoping for something that will never happen.

I dream of lots of things about T. and I. I dream of the next nite we will spend together. I dream of romance ( though we really don't seem to have that right now). I dream of our wedding day, what it would be like to spend our days and nites together. I dream of our wedding day. I dream of our children. I'm just not good with handling fantasies. I have goals, and I want to reach them. Being in a relationship isn't a goal. Its just stressful to me. I become sooo dependant, and obsessive.... I hate it.

So many things I want to change and improve in my life, and in myself. I don't know where to start. I can't cope with anything. All I've done all week is cry. I don't ever remember crying this much. I've thought of suicide two or three times this week. The thoughts come, and I can't handle them. Luckily, I don't have a means. And I'm too depressed to try and find one. I worry, what will push me over the edge next. Who will hurt me next? Who will abandoned me? Who will lie or cheat? Who will break promises. I know I'm not perfect, I'm so far from it. I don't understand how people see all this good in me, and all my family sees is this negative girl, who hates life.

I feel like I try so hard not to be negative, but no matter what, something sets me off, and I flip out, and cry , or break something.. or just fall apart. For so many years, I was depressed, but I kept it together, I was strong... I think. Part of me just feels like my life was a lie, cuz noone really knew how I felt. Now, Its hard for me to stay composed. I cry all the time, almost anywhere. I've forgotten how to be strong. I've forgotten how to do everything. For over a year and a half, I've been a huge mess. The mood swings are worse, I can't deal with any relationship with a man. I don't know what to do.

What is wrong with me?

I sit here... can't sleep. I know why.. two reasons.... Well, cuz of what EPB did tonite, and cuz... well T. hasn't called. Talked to him before midnite and he said he wanted to go eat, get some stuff done and he'd call me.. so we could talk. Wondering where he's at. I get a bad feeling, I know what I wrote earlier, I try to dismiss my bad feelings, cuz I know how paranoid I am. I truely do. I wonder if I should trust him. Well, I'm writing, cuz if I don't write, I'll cry. I tried to call his house a few minutes ago, though I shouldn't have because of the hour, and someone else answered, after I started to leave a message. I asked if he was there and they said "Its five thirty in the morninng, NO" . I appoligized and hung up. I just wonder where is he at, because he barely tells me about his days, and I'm upset, cuz he promised he would call back tonite.

Well, the thing with EPB. Luckily, I fell asleep and didn't hear the phone ring, cuz he called, and threatened suicide. Well.. actually, he did take some pills. I go the message at around 3am, the lst time I woke up. Like I said, I can't sleep. I called immediately, and his mom answered. She said she knew what happened, and he was fine, but sleeping. That was all that was really said. I'm not really sure what to think about the whole thing.

I'm beginning to wonder if this whole thing with T. is right. I know I'm fickle, its just I have my doubts about me being in relationships. I feel better, more stable when I'm out of one. I get too emotionally dependant. I get too needy. I need too much reassurance. I told T. last nite, about my thoughts of pushing him away. He promised me... that he wouldn't let me. Part of me hopes that is true. I'm really upset with him right now. I wish I didn't expect so much. I wish I could just cope with life. I really don't understand why I am the way I am. I don't understand why its so stressful on me. I feel like I'm going crazy.. cuz I can't handle my emotions.

Tommorrow.. I just want to sit home in bed, curled with my blanket.. and watch tv and sleep all day. I hate not being able to sleep, cuz I'm upset. It's been happening so often. All I do is cry anymore. I hope this new job, helps me. I really need something positive in my life. I'm so scared I'm going to mess up, or I'm going to go off the edge again. This job, will help keep me in line though. At least I hope it will.

The day before, the day before,the day before my new job...

Still having major mood swings. Happy, sad, angry, happy, angry sad... sometimes different orders, sometimes all the emotions at once.

I wish T. read my blog here. Sometimes I write things that are hard for me to say. I usually do good an open up to him, but today it was hard. I was really upset with him. As soon as something goes wrong, I feel upset, betrayed, abandoned... and in this case.. its all mostly in my head. He's been a great boyfriend, he's just a really busy guy. I wondered how he'd ever find the time for a gf, when I was just friends with him, back when I was dating Peter. Part of me still wonders.

I think I'm crazy.. all the emotions I have for him. How much I wish every nite.. was spent with him. Falling asleep in the same bed.. holding each other, comforting each other.. talking about our days. If he asked me tommorrow, to marry him next week. I know I'd say yes. Thats crazy. I know it is. It feels right though. It feels good. I don't think its because I'm lonely either... its not that. I just love him so much.. and I have faith that he would always take care of me.

What kind of Goth are YOU??

Graver

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Get a hair cut and a new job.....

Well, waiting on the haircut, but I got "the" job. I'm so happy, so excited, I feel so good. I will be working with The Hartford. They own the contract for AARP. Its a call center. I felt comfortable when I was there. Nice building, nice location, nice people, all you could ask for, plus a great starting salary. Looking forward to my first day on Monday. In the meantime I will finish up this week at Giant.

Took Darian to the ER yesterday. They say she has scabies, but I think they are just incompetent. They barely looked at the rash. They hardly asked questions. Tommorrow she goes to the Dr. and hopefully they will be better, but somehow I doubt it. I will have "real" insurance before you know it, and get to go to a real Dr. I'd prefer somewhere away from my house, as I don't like this area. Guy at work today told me... "never go to St Joes" I wish I'd known that before, but when you look at the area.. I should've known.

Still feeling kind of sad today, worrying mostly. They will be doing a background check, and I wonder, if they have any problems with my credit. Its the worst. I need this job though to work on paying off my debts, and well.. still wanting to declare bankruptcy, on what I can. Thinking of all the things I have to do before winter, new tires, possibly get my car inspected (new exhaust system).. etc..etc. I definately need to get prepared early.

Missing T. like crazy. He's been busy the last few days. Not sure doing what... but I'll ask him today. It was nice, I got to tell him first. I immediately called his house, and he picked up from the machine.. so it was nice to hear his voice. He said he mite be going to NY this weekend, and if he does.. he can't come see me. I know its important to him, so I'm not pissed about it, but... I know I will go crazy.

I realized today... why it is.. I'm a bit uncomfortable in this area/ and with my daughters school. Its not really because white is the minority, which is different for me, its more the fact that I feel stupid. I am one of few whites here, and I can't speak spanish. I have no idea what is going on most the time, and just feel lost. I can't believe I didn't realize what it was before. I was feeling bad.. thinking... god.. what is my problem, why do you get such a weird feeling about this place.. and its not because of minorities.. or anything... just because I feel stupid. I feel lost.

I wonder where my life will go from here. I wonder what comes next. When will I be able to control these mood swings.. when will I be more happy than sad. I think I should go to bed, I'm exhausted. Not sure if I will though.

Contemplating...

My good friend M. just mentioned to me, about my posts. One day, I'm in heaven, one day I feel as if I'm in hell. I am really tired of the mood swings. I begin to wonder, how did I get in this place, how do I get better, how do I move on.

For the most part lately, I've been alot happier. I'm just so confused still on who I am, and where I'm going in my life. I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm sad.

I keep thinking about all the things EPB said to me last nite, when he was screaming at me. I know I hurt him. I did love him, I still do, just I'm not happy. I feel trapped, I feel sad, and I don't like being in the relationship with him. He thinks its because of something he did, or because he's not white, but that isn't it. He needs to grow up, get a job... get a life.

"get a haircut, and a real job"
That song came to mind....

I need a strong man, a man that can take care of me. A man that is stable, that can take control when needed to. I feel like I've found that in T. Though, its not been long, I feel so safe, so secure, so loved. I think he's crazy for wanting to put up with me. Crazy for saying he wants me to be his wife. I find him so amazing. He told me he loved me first. I felt like he ment it. He told me what he wanted first, to find someone to love him, to settled down, and eventually have kids... To have a family. I almost cry everytime I play him saying that in my head. Thats all I've ever wanted, was a family.

Speaking of family, they called tonite. It was nice to hear from them. My mom acted like nothing happened in the hospital. I was too worn out to talk about it. I will bring it up next time I hear from them.

Right now, I feel happy, knowing i have someone I love in my life, that I know loves me, but also sad. I wonder if I will end up doing this same thing to T. Will my personality drive him away. Will I decided later I've found something better? At this point I can't imagine anything better. He makes me think about the good things, in my life. The happy little moments, he makes me feel so loved.

I go crazy already. I miss him so much. He's always so busy, and I wondered this before we started dating if he would have time. I just feel like I need too much. I mean, I wish he was here more often. I wish we were together every nite. I wish he was here to hold me every time I feel sad. I love him so much, I find it so crazy.

Crying.. cuz I'm dying inside

I feel so alone, and upset, I almost flipped out on this guy on the phone, and it wasn't even his fault. He was nice about it... but I couldn't stop crying..

I'm so lost... I just don't understand ..

Hitting.. the spot

Got some comments on my blog today, encouraging and wonderful. But if I could get help, if I knew how.. I would. I have no insurance, mostly because someone in this fucking beaucracy, fucked up, and I have to pay for it. I got.. well.. of course government health insurance.. (and I work, and pay taxes), but I don't make much... I moved, reapplied (which I shouldn't of had to do in the first place) and was denied... I MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY!?!?!? WTF!! The letter said... Your semi annual income is 2,900 something. ... and the cut of... is 2,600 something. TEll me how.??? in this world.. can anyone afford health insurance.. on.. less than 6000 dollars a year. The government gives you food stamps, because you can't afford food, but.. you are supposed to be able to get your medications. My medications are over 1,200 dollars a month. I can't pay for any of them. I'm running out of my meds.. and so I'm getting sicker and sicker. Thats both mentally... and physically. My asthma is bad. At work is especially acts up. But thats life.

I have been feeling much more positive. Mostly, cuz I have hope, more hope than I've had in a long time. T. is a very positive influence.. and I believe it has a lot to do with him. Someone wrote on my blog, that love is a choice... not an emotion. (at least I think that is what it said) But.. I believe love is a emotion. I don't have the power, to not love anyone. I do love most everyone I meet. I care about them.... I do want to comment more, because.. this thing.. with EPB, and T.. well.. I wasn't playing them, and I hope the way.. I wrote it didn't seem that way. T. and I were friends, I made it clear to him for a long time, I loved Peter, and we would only be friends. I've been wanting to.. and did.. before I went into the hospital, break up with Peter, but.. being in crisis. he was there for me.. and I undoubtedly.. went back to him. Until, after I realized.. no matter how I was feeling, depressed or not, I didn't want to be with him. I've felt we weren't quite right.. for each other, since the day we met. I've been telling him that for months. He just wouldn't listen. I was broke up with him when I met T., and I wasn't expecting to hit it off so well with him either. BUt I did. It feels right, it feels good. I've not.. felt so positive.. .. about .. things. in so long. Sure.. I'm sure some of it now.. is infatuation..but.. he's been a good friend to me.. for the last few months, listening to my problems.. talking with me.. giving me little pep talks... He was the one there for me the most... , even though it was only on the internet and the phone, he was there more for me .. than my family, my friends.. and even .. EPB.. The things is.. with EPB... I felt trapped... trapped.. and dead. I felt like.. my thoughts and feelings didn't matter. I just wanted him to let go. I think he has. I hope he has. I do still love him.. and always.. will. It just isn't want I need or want in my life.

I want to write more, and perhaps I will later.. but I'm going to play a game with my daughter.

What a weekend....

So much to say, so much thinking going on in my head. Mostly about T. I met him this weekend, it was like wow. I'm tired, so I'm not saying much today, but was at one of my favourite sites just now, and be sure to enter this sweepstakes, Are you Registered to VOTE?

Thanks all. Its helps so much to be positive, and my mood for the most part has been. It helps things flow more smoothly. I have a busy week, so not sure how much I will write here. Working all week, and have Saturday off, and have a job interview, SO EXCITED, on Tuesday... So wish me luck!!

Also check this out... http://scoreboards.hotornot.com/makinglovenotpeace if you are a hotornot member.

What a day...

Well, the other day, EPB, finally agreed it was ok for us to break up. I don't think I ever needed the guy to say it was ok, but... thats him. Well he found out my friend, was coming over, last nite, and he flipped out. He didn't know this "friend" was T., but he did end up finding out. He called me before 7:30 this morning, woke me up, and woke up the rest of the house, after I told him I didn't want to talk to him when he called on the cell. I am at wits end with him. I know I need to tell him the truth, but... I know how hurt he will be. I have to get him to leave me alone. I do care for him, I always will. Just there is something about him, that...I can't live with. The jealous, the obsessiveness... I can't handle it.

Had a wonderful time with T. It was like wow, and I couldn't believe I ever thought, things wouldn't work out. I'm amazed at what a wonderful time we had. Just kissing, talking... and holding each other. At points, things did get a little heavy, after him saying, that.. . He didn't want to have sex, and something about messing things up. I totally understood, but.. there were moments of such passion, where both of us almost lost it. It was so wonderful to be touched, to be held... and caressed... I had a smile from the time he finally arrived, until he left.. and I'm still smiling, because I can't stop thinking about him. He didn't want to leave, and of course I didn't want him to either... He left way later than he has orginally wanted to, but we had a great time. He shared with me so many things, I was most surprised to hear, basically my words of what I wanted and was looking for, coming out of his mouth. "I want a friend, a best friend, a lover, a partner... someone to settle down with, someone I know loves me, someone that needs me as much as I need them." It was so wonderful to hear the same things... He really wowed me. It was so perfect. I shared with him so many things, he knows so much about me... and he still wants to stick around. It does so amaze me. Watching him watch Darian was amazing also. When we went to lunch, she wanted to hold his hand and not mine. She was excited.

Not sure what to say, but.. he told me wants me and I want him. I feel so happy inside. Being around him, makes me remember the happy times in my life. Its wonderful.

More Journaling....

August 31st, 2004

I sit here again, more relaxed, but also stressed inside, watching Maury, and interesting episode, cheaters. I then wonder, is me, sharing being so open with T., is that a betrayal to EPB?? Talk with T. makes me feel so good, I wonder often what a relationship would be like. Is jumping from one relationship to another fair either? Is it fair to break EPB's heart? I can't say, though that I would be breaking up with EPB for T. I'd be breaking up with him for a chance to move on with my life, a chance to be happy. I wonder if T. has become attached to me and I wonder if I'll hurt him too. I had a wonderful talk with T., last nite, I think we talked close to 4 hours and I feel I really opened up to him alot. I shared with him the letter, and how I was confused by the fact that he said he loved me. And I questioned his meaning of it. I guess cuz I've been told I'm loved before and it was not sincere. I need to feel loved as well as be told. I need to really feel it.

I do love Peter, but being with him doesn't make me happy anymore. I wish I could write him a letter and it would help him understand, but I feel like he never will. I need him to let go now, not because I want to die, but because I need something different than he does. I"m at ends wondering if Peter realizes what is coming. We've hardly spoken since my release from the hospital. WE have nothing much to say, and he hasn't come to see me. He hasn't offered, he hasn't asked. We haven't even talked about it. I don't feel sad about it, just indifferent. I wish that I could say something so he wouldn't be hurt. I wish I could change things. But I can't wait around for him to grow up, to mature, and decide he wants a family. I want the chance to find someone, whom can be my best friend, my lover, and some day my husband. I want a family.

Journaling from the hospital

August 29th, 2004

I sit here in this place that makes me feel less than human, wondering how they could do this to anyone, not just me. Its inhumane, unjust, unkind, uncaring. I'm not sure what my next step is, but I'm trying to be calm although I still have much anger. I don't know what to do, how do I get my meds. how do I find follow up aftercare, part of this is the reason I'm here in the first place. I know I messed up. Bad, I don't deserve to be yelled at, like she did, noone does. I don't want to end up in another hospital, I don't want to kill myself. I find this so upsetting. The nurses talk about you like you aren't there. Its unreal. How does one survive here? how does one cope? I don't know where to go from here. I'm not sure what the next step is.

I AM STILL ALIVE

Ok.. I'm here, what more can you ask for? Lots, I did try to kill myself, apparently unsuccessfully, and I went to the quote on quote "nut ward" for a week. It was the most horrible place I've been so far in my life. They people there, where not helpful, no one on one therapy, and most people there didn't care much about the patients. I'm still lost. They basically kicked me out, didn't care if I had meds, and told my aunt and others I was uncooperative, which was untrue. Though, I did constantly bitch because the one nurse gave me a hard time, because I was going to call home for tampons, and she told me I wasn't allowed, although its not on the contraband list. I was extremely pissed, mostly because they took their sweet ass time over 30 hours I believe to give me my birth control pills after my aunt brought them. I have no insurance, so I have no follow up care, and am so lost and confused. While there, I did meet a few nice people, but the bad outweighed the good.

At one point during my hospital stay, I asked, P. back out (or EPB), for what reason I don't know, probably because I love him, but... I don't understand or anything... how to stop the relationship. I love and care for him.. and don't want to hurt him, yet I feel its time for me to move on. Today.. has been completely mind blowing, in a confusing way.. Share more about that in a minute. I first want to retype a letter I wrote to T, while in my stay, and some brief journaling that I did, while I was there, and some I did earlier today. While in the hospital, I got ahold of T., he called me back, and we chitchatted, but... when I was letting him go, he was like... hey... and I was like .. yeah.. and he said he loved me. I wasn't sure how to take it, and still not 100% about it, but... all i said back was... thank you. I was stunned, .. .. but.. it felt good at the same time. Lately I've been feeling close to him, he's brought me happiness, and talking with him, helps me sort things out, and has helped me realize alot. Especially the fact that... well, I've realized, though I'm depressed, well... I've always felt.. that well I've never been happy, but realized, because of talking with T. that.. I do have moments of happiness and that is what I need to hold on to.

August 28th, 2004

Dear T.,
So much is going thru my head right now, mostly that you just said you loved me. I love you so much, as a friend. That is the part that confuses me so much. You were a good support to me this last week before I tried to kill myself. You made me laugh. You made me smiile. You brought life into what I was making death. I still am looking forward to meeting you. You are a great guy! I know you are looking for a gf and part of me wonders what if? But I'm having a hard time with my feelings because I truely do love Peter. As you have been a great support, he has also, its just relationships are really hard for me.
I don't know how much pyschology you've read or believe, but I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Just a name for how I act, is what I believe. In a relationship, I push away and if you go away, I cry. I ask for forgiveness, and as soon as I get close again, I push away. Its really hard on me and whomever I'm dating and it takes years to work on and change Borderline habits. I'm hoping that my insurance will help get me into DBT or CBT groups. These help change actions and reactions to different stimuli.
I don't know if you remember me saying to you that when I met Peter, I didn't think it would work out. I didn't. I had it in my head, right now my mind is clearer, but on of those things on my mindwastthat thought of you, and that we wouldn't be right together. Wrong place, wrong time. Just too much going on with me, but I hope you stay by my side as a friend, because I need you more than ever. I want to be able to be there for you. I want to hear some of your stories and find out what you are all about.
I'm very sleepy now so I'm off to bed, but Please know that I love you , also.
Pare of me was hurting and I thought you had abandoned me. That is a mix of my neediness and my ever changing overreacting mood swings.

Love,
Julie

Its Monday

The last day. Plans have changed, but none the same, the end is the same, so it doesn't matter. I feel a peace, although, I feel neither happy nor sad.

My life

I sit here, contemplating... what to do. I have beer, cookies, and lots of pills. Should I? or shouldn't I? The only thing that scares me is the fact that I don't do it right. I figure, that 12 Imitrex, could cause a heart attack, thats all I have, well, plus the one I had earlier... plus some other stuff, but we will see. I'm all alone. P. left, we did break up last week, but... I do love him so much. I thought I made some new friends, one just turned out to be a creap, and the other, I'm not sure, if he's just afraid, or what. Either way, the one, I don't really need in my life, but, T. He's really sweet, helped me alot in the last few weeks, and now my heart, hurts so much, for so many reasons. I know I would just hurt him, partly because I love P., but... partly cuz he said, that.. well he asked me, what if he becomes attached, and that he couldn't find fault in being needy, as he is needy too. It didn't turn me off, but I don't think he would ever have enough time for me. Part of me is trapped, trapped in this thing with P. , which isn't completely bad, but I need so much more. He's a great guy, and I know, if I decide to do this... thing, to kill myself, then.. he will blame himself, his parents, and everyone.

I've been asking for help. I really want to go in the hospital, I don't know how to do it. I guess I've asked the wrong people for help. I don't know what to do. I guess, well I don't even know what to do.. except sit here..and wonder, who cares.... if anyone. They would only care, when I'm gone, and thats too late.

Part of me is hesistating now, because.. I love my daughter so much, what will this do to her. I really wished I could of bought a gun, so much easier..... less of a failure rate. I dunno... I just need help. Someone, please help me!!

Plans

I have plans.. plans for my life. or whats left. Noone will even know. That makes it better. Then noone can stop me.

Life in Reading

Starting something new here. YES i am still alive. I think that is a good thing.  Been busy since I met my new boyfriend, P.  Yeah, he's nice, seems we fight alot though, about stupid stuff. This house makes everyone iritable though. Trying to get settled here in Reading. Its taking quite a while. I'm finally back online, so hopefully, when I'm ready to settle in to bed, I'll take a moment and post.
Just wanted to update for those that read my blog, share more with you later.
Going crazy here.

.............................

Title title title.. I don't want one... grrr.

Life sucks, then you die. I hate depression, hormones and chemicals.
Why have things gone on this long?

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do

... I'll be right there waiting.... waiting for you..
But will you be waiting for me?

I doubt it. I meet so many people. I feel so much pain. I love them.. without asking for anything in return. Maybe that is wrong of me.. cuz they didn't ask me to love them. And no matter what happens, how mad, or sad, or upset I get, I'll still love them, unless I find out they've done something extremely evil. I can forgive most things, a little dishonesty, cheating (though I'd not date that person again), stealing.. etc... Its hard to explain... each circumstance is different. I could never forgive, sexual assault, or the molestation or injury of a child.. and of course, not rape either. But.. I know people who think badly of me.. because I cut. I would never judge them, if they did the same. I'd never judge them, if they smoked, or drank too much, or were even addicted to video games, or porn. WHY?? Why do they have to judge me? I don't understand, I don't comprehend....
Read.. below.. an example:


5/21/2004 7:08:56 PM Exalted Angel Izu! yeah.. since they made me a cashier... i like that so much better.. my mood has improved.. like 220%....
5/21/2004 7:09:02 PM Exalted Angel Izu! but.. i'm not really doing soo good overall
5/21/2004 7:09:08 PM Exalted Angel Izu! i've beeen.. you know
5/21/2004 7:09:29 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Same as always, huh? Glad works better for you.
5/21/2004 7:10:23 PM Exalted Angel Izu! what do you mean? um.. its that week.. right now.. where i get really upset...
5/21/2004 7:10:34 PM Exalted Angel Izu! and.. ... I've been cutting.. and I dont really understand why
5/21/2004 7:10:55 PM Izu! Exalted Angel ...
5/21/2004 7:12:23 PM Izu! Exalted Angel I'm really not sure what to say to that Julie.
5/21/2004 7:12:32 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you dont have to say anything
5/21/2004 7:12:40 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Then I don't think I will.
5/21/2004 7:12:52 PM Exalted Angel Izu! umm..
5/21/2004 7:15:30 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you think badly of me.. when I say things.... like that dont you
5/21/2004 7:16:29 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Pretty much. It makes me want to stop talking with you, because I can't help you, can't save you, can't change you , and all I can do is sit back and watch the fireworks as you self-destruct.
5/21/2004 7:18:15 PM Exalted Angel Izu! then pretty much.. .. I just shouldnt share with you, because.. its not really ur concern.... and I'm sorry I did
5/21/2004 7:20:23 PM Izu! Exalted Angel It's not that. It's that it's a broken record. Same thing over and over. Look, I'm all for you sharing, and all for you expressing yourself. Always going back to the subject of cutting, or wanting to cut, or actually cutting. Then saying you don't know why, or how you can't help it.
5/21/2004 7:21:01 PM Exalted Angel Izu! just dont worry about it ok
5/21/2004 7:21:06 PM Exalted Angel Izu! i'll leave you alone from now on
5/21/2004 7:21:16 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you dont have to worry.. or think.. or have me bothering you
5/21/2004 7:21:35 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Alright

They thing that is the worse.. is .. I hardly talk to this person about cutting, or even mention it to him. The thing is.. I used to date him, and he told me... well... if I cut while we were dating, then it was over. How could you say that to someone you care about?

I wrote another poem... this morning...

My love for you is strong,
Believe this,
though we've not known
each other for long.

Each day my thoughts
think of you,
I want you more and more each day,
What will I ever do?

A kiss, a whisper, I love you,
beautiful words, full of love,
Where did you come from?
Where you sent from above?

I don't want to lose you,
for fear of a short life.
I will always love you,
Wishing someday, to become your wife.



Talked quite abit with EPB last nite. Especially about the whole wanting to break up thing. We talked thru it. I still don't know how much I can handle a relationship, but being without him, somehow seems worse. He gives me something to look forward to, something to dream about. He gives me inspiration, he doesn't lecture me on my cutting, because he so knows, he never went to any of the extents that I did, but he used to self injure. I feel he can relate more. He always is very sootheing and loving, wishing he was here, to help me thru my rough times. Though, it did hurt when he told me his heart is mostly hollow, because of his past.


His friends wanted to go to a strip club tonite. He said.. he really didnt want to go, cuz all that are there are scanky women, and the only woman he wants to see is me. I told him he sounded pussywhipped, and in a way he did. I wouldn't mind if he goes... cuz.. I know, I have his heart.... and they have nothing, not even his respect.


There is so much more I could say, but not sure where to start, I started as a cashier today, and will be working on my own tommorrow.. a little nervous, but much more confident. I enjoyed my day at work, though it was long and tiring.

My world

First of all, since I've watched some specials before about land mines and how they affect life and especially woman, please humor me.. and click this, and help to clear land mines for FREE!!

So, had lots of appointments today. Had to get my weekly allergy shot. My asthma seems to be doing well. I got upset about my job in the deli, talked to the "BIG" boss.. and well, they are moving me out of the deli, and into being a cashier... so I'll actually know what I'm doing. Finally got insurance for my new car, and got it registered today. Received my first pay check.

Things seem to be going good with EPB, and me. He's sweet as ever. Always supportive,and doesn't lecture me on my cutting. I worry though. Are we moving too fast.. some of my friends seem to think so. I don't know what to think. I do wonder why he's so in to me. He plays his guitar sometimes when we are on the phone. Its rather nice. I sometimes wonder if he is too young, what he wants to do with his life, what is future plans are.... and what he thinks will happen with us.

We haven't talked about the HPV thing lately. I'm sort of afraid to bring it up, cuz then I'll just feel bad again, because I know he's scared to make love to me. But, its ok I guess... just depressing.

Made some flowers for Cherie.. and hung out with L. last nite. Her hubby ended up coming home. I kept asking him why he wouldn't talk to me. He finally got mad about other stuff, (whispering L was doing.. ) and flipped out, and was like " I DON'T LIKE HER" , I almost started crying, I didn't want it to get to me. I just sat there, thinking about cutting... thinking about hurting myself.. thinking about death. Wondering, what did I do.. why doesn't he like me? WHY?? WHY?? After I left though, I got over it.. a bit. It still bothers me, but just because most people like me, I guess I can't expect everyone to.

I tried to see my OB/GYN today, but he canceled, was delivering babies. I'm trying to get something for this depression I have right before my period, since I can't get in to see the NUT dr.. until July. I talked with the Nurse Practitioner there, and she called his office and got me an appointment up there. Wednesday, hopefully he will be able to help. SHe was worried. I don't really think I'd try to kill myself, but sometimes its sooo hard... the overwhelming emotions, they are so hard to deal with.

I'm wanting to cut again, and well, noone is around... I don't even know if I want to fight it. It always feels so good. I don't want to get into this bad habit again. But how do I cope with this, with life, with being alone, with being poor, with wasting my life away here, and not being able to do anything about it at the moment. I don't know.

More than I can handle

I felt more than I could handle today. I cut.. too many times to count, just on my shoulder... on my left arm. I was sitting in my chair, and didn't want anyone to see. It worked out well, it gave me some relief, but still not sure, how my emotions got that out of control.

I do know, I have alot going on, a new job, trying to get everythign taken care of for my new car, a new bf, and a friend of mine dying. The funeral was today, I attending, skipping work.

I skipped work for so many reasons, and want to quit so bad. I can't recall ever really giving up on anything, except my life, which is really hard to deal with.

I hate the thoughts in my head. They are like these aweful voices of my conscience, screaming at me to die. I thought about doing the same thing that happened to CC, my friend that died... Driving even faster (after somehow disableing my airbag) and just running into that tree. Would anyone miss me? Would they care?

EPB is wonderful.. I'm just afraid of so much, I'm afraid of relationships. I worry I guess, because I feel we are both a bit needy, and just dating, because we need someone special, someone loving in our life. I wonder if we will be able to support each other... emotionally. I wonder what he will decide about, the fact that I have HPV. Right now, he acts like he would love to be with me forever, and would be alright with the fact that we never made love. I don't know what to think of that. I wonder if I will have the strength to talk to him about what I did to myself today. And what his reaction will be.

I want only to do something with my life. I want much more than to just survive. Thats all I've been doing my whole life. I want to live. I want to experience my life to the fullest. I don't want regrets. I want to be happy, to be free, to love, to be loved. I wonder, am I strong enough.. to make it happen.. for me, for my daughter, for a happy life.

Um... I'm back.. back again

So damn much has changed in the last few weeks. I got a new car, a job, and I'm dating someone. I don't spend much time online anymore.
Wanted to share some new poems.

Full of love
Unbearable pain
Had so much to live for
Had so much to gain.

Why did he take her?
Why couldn't she stay?
We'd all give our own lives,
to see her, just one more day.

What was it he wanted?
Why did she have to die?
Why? We all ask you, Lord...
Why?

She was special to
everyone she knew,
A daughter, a sister, a friend.
Why was her life so short?
Why did it have to end?

I wrote this poem today, for a friend... she died yesterday in a car accident. I used to be best friends with her sister. She was best friends with my sister... Only 18. It makes everyone sad. I saw kids at the Hub (local gas station convience store) last nite, all looking sad, with the redness of many tears that ran down there face. I saw where she crashed tonite coming home from work, there were tons of flowers there... So sad... Though. ..she wasn't wearing a seatbelt, some said.. it wouldn't of mattered, she still would of died.

Well, my new bf, EPB, I will call him. He's great, sweet sentimental, loving. I can share with him anything, talk freely.. and just enjoy him. I wrote some poems the other day, inspired by him...
Here goes..

To this the man
I find so sweet,
To this the man,
I want to meet.

I smile,
As I think of him,
I smile,
I’m no longer grim.

To this the man,
I’m falling for.
Will you love me
Never more?

To this the man
I think is great,
Oh my, is love
Our fate?

To this the man,
Whom I give my heart,
In hopes that love,
Will never part.


AND



Your love,
Your touch,
My love I can’t trust,
You can try if you must.

Each day I cry.
I don’t know why
I miss your love,
I miss your smile,
I miss the love, that makes love
Worthwhile.

Touch me here.
Hold me now.
Show me love,
I’ll allow.

Slowly breathe,
What words allow,
Hold me tight, and
Love me now.


Well enjoy, that's all for now... I need to get off so I can call, EPB.

:)

PS MICHEL!!! I NEED UR HELP WITH MY COMMENTS AGAIN...