Still...

Upset... and hurting, things are going better, although I feel like blowing my head off lately... seems to be something that is going around.

I'm really scared lately... I'm glad my sis is around, cuz I'm not dealing well with everything.

CG, my sis met him, thinks he's nice, cute.. etc... and then I think about how much I love & want him, and I cry. He's struggling, and I can't do anything.... I just want to help, I want to hold him and kiss him....

T, I still love him and always will, and as much as I'm glad he's found someone it still hurts... and I get these strange feelings from him lately (what little contact I have had)... and I wish I could help him.

And this new guy, DW, I'll call him, met him, he's nice, seems sweet, took me to movies and to eat.. we cuddled, kissed... and he aroused me, but at the same time knows I'm not looking for sex, and is ok with that.

I realized that I'm very shallow, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, or move on. I've went on some other dates as well, which apparently they didn't really like me.... like that.. or something..

The new friend I talked about in the most recent post... well I have a big crush on him, but he alas is married, and I'm already feeling too many feelings for him. I can't stand how I fall for men.. especially men that can't be there, I fall for men that are absent from my life...

I know... 12 years of therapy would only tell me, that... it stems from my childhood, what a shame, that so much time was wasted.

Better

Starting to feel better...
First after I sliced my leg, three times... not deep, but too deep to pass as cat scratches like the two on my arm...
And
Second, I made a new friend. I'll call him, DA- He's sweet, and nice to talk to...
Alas, he's married, but separated, has two children, and is in the military... He seems very caring as well.

That and since the nite I cried my eyes out, CG, has been really following thru on calling me and such. Its wierd for that to happen.... I'm not used to it. He actually called me from his home number last nite as well, after he told me I couldn't have it. I love him... I truely do, I just wish I could move on, I need to, for my health's sake, for my future, for my saneness....

Tears & Irritability

Stressed out, been teary eyed, mostly since Friday. Sally wants to make excuses that my being pissed Sunday has to do with me going to CG's Saturday nite. But I came home and got lots of sleep. CG, knows whats going on, I've been late on my meds Saturday and Sunday... Today I will make sure I take them on time. I don't think that is it though. I think it is alot of other things, CG, included that weigh on my mind daily. Francis is pissing me off, always throwing my things away.. and fucking with them. I wish Sally would just get rid of him. Its fucked up. She tells me how bad CG is for me, and she can't get rid of Francis, or quit enabling his behaviours.. its fucked up. Least CG, to some extent, makes me happy, with the exception of that one day, he treats me like a queen, makes love to me each time like its the first, and always does his best to please me. He's loving when he knows I'm hurt, he holds me.. when I need to be held. He acts stupid and tries to get me to laugh, when he knows it would be a good distraction. He tries to get me to focus on my priorities....

Lately, he knows I don't want to let go, but he tries to come up with reasons, I should stay away from him... He's like... I'm selfish, I'm a jerk, I smoke..... I wouldn't be good for you. Its just I keep telling myself, I'd dump him anyway down the road, so.. that because I don't even get a chance, I won't feel so bad. It really sucks. I love him so much. I love being in his arms, i love holding him... I love laying my head on his chest. I love running my fingers across his skin.... i love the way he touches me, I love the way he kisses me.... I love how attractive he is.. i love when he makes me smile, I love when he is silly.. I love how she says " I know," sometimes when I tell him I love him, because he likes to give me a hard time. I love how he kisses me, I love just sleeping next to him.

I just wish I had a chance to show him.... how things could be.

Dial Up

Back to dial up, temporarily.. . Can't wait to get dsl, I don't care if it is slower than cable, it has to be better than dial up. We have to catch up on our verizon bill, first. I returned the cable modem today... blah..

Started talking to this guy.. today.. TC, he's from Jamaica, and hot as hell, seems sweet as well. We will talk tommorrow, he seems cool.. we will see.

My heart still aches for CG. I wish I could deal with letting go, but I can't... and he doesn't seem to be able to either...

Darian will be home tonite, can't wait to see her, and hug her and hold her.

I'm getting licensed for Florida/Pennsylvania.. . I'm so damn excited. I work days for the next two weeks, and have training. Plus bonus is better for that too, up to 300 a month. This month I get a 200 dollar bonus. I need that money sooo fucking bad. My cat, cost me 70 dollars at the vet, and I have to take her back in a few weeks.

She doesn't seem to like the organic litter I got, that ticks me off... i like it, it smells good, and is better for the environment....

My cat is still damn crazy, always scratching me.. but, she's still the sweetest little thing, in the world.

My sister had surgery, I hope all is well with her, she's in a lot of pain.

My Day with CG

Spent Tuesday with him. It was mostly untolerable. I almost just left 3 times without saying anything. I tried to resist the urge... but it was hard. I knew if I left I'd just end up leaving, crying, and probably hurting myself. I couldn't do that to myself.

First, he tells me to come sometime after nine, because he won't be up before that. I'm like.. ok fine, even though I don't want to deal with traffic. I think I get there after 11 or so, and I try to open the door, its locked, so I try to call his cell, no answer, so I knock,(before I got there I had to pee... SOOO bad).. So I call again, and again.. knock, walk around back, and try to see if you can go in the back way.. (his room is in the back of the house) I call again.. go back to the front porch... and try to ring these things that look like doorbells, and I give up.. pissed as hell. I run down to Burger King, before I piss myself... get in there, and the bathroom is the nastiest shit in the world, the one has piss and stuff all over it.. and the other, it looks like someones shoe with mud.. I wipe the toilet seat off.. with tp, and then put some more tp on the seat.. and relieve myself. I was hungry, but after that... I was just disgusted, and refused to eat there.. blah.

Then I call him again, and he's like... oh... and doesn't apoligize when I say anything to him... and was like.."did you ring the doorbell?" I'm like.. "yeah" and he realizes its not workin right. I was soo pissed. Then he pretty much ignores me... which pisses me off more. I hate that shit.

Then.. throughout the day, he just does little annoying stuff... and doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that I came there to help him, and that I did want some lovin's... which he hardly gave me. I was so frustrated and annoyed.

Then, he gets me, him, and his family, water ice, which was good... but.. then comes out to eat his with me.. and his brother ( i think) calls him in... and he's like watch this for me.. I do.. but 15 minutes later, sitting in the sun, burning up, I start to get annoyed. I call him on his cell, and he says..just a minute.. I'll be out... ten minutes later.. he still doesn't come out.. Its almost time for my meds, so I take off to the store, and call him back... to let him know.. and he doesn't answer. Grr.. And I call him back when I get back, and I sit in my car in the a/c. He comes out, at one point, and doesn't even bother to call back or say anything to me... So I get out, and go over by the house.. and he's by the house.. again. (after he dissappeared).. and was on the phone.. then made excuses about.. I'm on the phone.. etc.. I'm like, that is fucking rude, to leave me outside for over twenty-five minutes. (He could of at least invited me in) ASSHOLE. He apoligizes... but yet...

Does it again.. leaves me down in the basement, while he is upstairs... with nowhere to sit, and nothing to do, and he wonders why I snoop?? what the fuck. He apoligizes again, but continues to act like an asshole.

At one point I backhand him in the chest, and hurt him.. because he said to the dog, " its ok Kiera, she drives different than I do..." I took it as an insult, so we had this big discussion about how my driving was fine, it was just different than his...

I told him several times thru the day, he was being a jerk, and an asshole.. and at several points he apoligized... and said he was sorry, and even told me he appreciated me helping him out, when I told him.. that I came here to help him, and he was being disrespectful, and rude. I didn't ask him for anything. I came down there, because he invited me.. made plans with me.. (not to help him move his pets, but to make love) and when he said he needed help, i told him that was fine... I'd help... I also had to buy my own dinner... he provided me with water ice, and then water... (but he also told me at one point to go to the store, it was on sale- that was fucking rude)... I even helped him fold his clothes.

I told him... again he was a jerk, and he said he was always like that.. I said. that he never acted like that around me.. and he stated.. "how often do you usually spend the whole day with me..." which is true, since the beginning of us dating, we've only spend a few, maybe 5 or 6 actual days together. The day we met, the day after we met, I remember one day I came down to Philly, and offhand.. I can't think of any specific instances...

We ended up talking, and it turned out good. I'm still hurt, but I know in the end, even if he chose me, I'd end up hurting him. I'd leave him, I can't tolerate his shit. I can't tolerate how he is with the kids, or his lack of cleanlyness habits. I really hope him and Cristina can be happy, although he says its not about him being happy... which I find to be BS.

I told him how much it hurts me the things he says.. (when we are making love and otherwise.. ) Things like, " I am all yours", " you are exactly the type of woman I want to marry", "This feels so good, so right," " I love being with you, you make me so happy", "being with you feels so good", "I wish things could be different," " I wish I'd met you first"....

I'm almost crying as I write this, and if I was at home, and not at work I wouldn't be holding back. I love him, with all my heart.. but I believe relationships are built on communication and trust, neither of which we have enough of.....

I do feel better after our talk, but then we made love, which was fucking incredible... but he said.. that that had to be the last time...

Blade

As the blade cuts across my skin...
A thin red line, becomes visible,
Its barely noticable, at first,
Its very very thin...

More blood comes out,
I slide it across my skin, again...
I feel the comfort it brings,
Calming, relaxing, what a shameful thing.

Guilt comes thru,
My blade again, cuts the skin..
Another line,
Another sin.



No, I haven't cut, but I came really close... Last nite, as I walked past one of the barrels in my house.. (one that Francis is shipping to Africa), I spot some new shaving blades, four to be exact, I pick one up, it looks clean, and i hang on to it, as I gather my things and go upstairs. I go in the bathroom, thinking of the relief this will give me. I clean the blade and go up to my room. I sit it on the table as I boot up my computer and sit down to relax. I try not to look at the blade, as I go about my email, and my chatting. I think about CG, and the pain I feel about all this. I think about how alone I am. I think about being a bad mother. I think about all my problems and all my faults. I cry. I think about the blade, I resist the tempation, and distract myself with my hot or not account. Cute men, always emailing me. Always looking for sex or fun. I have hopes that, one will, tickle my fancy, and be looking for a serious relationship or a meaningful friendship. I'm looking for someone to give me attention. Attention, I've never really had. It all sucks. I'm so frustrated... and hate that I'm so fucked up.

Men & Their Caves..

Really tired of men that have caves. What good do they do???? really?? Ok.. I'm a woman, supposedly I wouldn't understand... whatever...

Finally heard from CG last nite, He didn't really explain anything to me... just frustrated me more. He's having a rough time, and won't explain anything to me, its just frustrating.. this is the first communication I've had since Sunday morning, its so freaking upsetting..

He can't handle my sadness, my moodswings.... Noone can handle me.. I don't how I'll ever be stable with my mood. As much as I try nothing works, and it all points towards relationships. I need to stay away from men. CG, is empathic, as am I, and other people's moods effect mine, and he can't handle mine.... I feel like he hates being around me anyway...

And at this point, he doesn't really seem to want to be around me anyway... because he has too much going on....... He doesn't want my help.

Negatory

Is that a word? Either way.. its the word I'm thinking of.
As days go by, I get angrier and angrier at him. He's not called, and hasn't taken my calls either. Curse that fucking caller ID.

I can't figure out why he's not talking to me. Unless he reads this, but I doubt he even takes the fucking time. I really don't think I matter to him, anymore..

He still didn't explain to me.. about the whole.. letter he wrote her, and because he lied to me, I'm wondering if he even did. After he lied to me, I doubt anything that comes out of his mouth.

His text message, he still won't explain to me, I wrote him an email Sunday nite, and no response, nor... anything... ( I wrote a poem too)...

I've given my heart to him, and he's taken it, chewed it up, swallowed it, and shit it out all over the place. It kills me...

So why do I care if he ever talks to me again??? I love him. I had hope. I'm stupid. I'm ignorant. Apparently I love men that can't commit and that hurt me. I love men, that are "unavailable", either physically, mentally or emotionally.

He wants her, and has made that clear. He told me for now I am his though. And I'm not, she will always be his priority, and I can't compete with that...

I'm much better than to even try to compete with her. I feel she's worthless. She's a user, of people and drugs. She has a non-compliant attitude, and seems to feel that being in jail should give her something. My opinion- from the letters I read, when I was being nosy.

I'm still pissed.. because he said... "I still want to know, why you feel you have a right to be nosy" , it floored me... because I don't feel I have a right, I just want to know. I don't hide things from him, but all he has done, and continues to do, is hide things from me. I talked to my therapist about this, and she stated, "well you guys are sleeping together, aren't you?" and I replied, "YES".. and she said.. "that gives you some right."

Oh well, either way, he's either mad at me or he's decided to try to step away. I know he has a busy week, but... he would of had time to call, if he wanted. It just really fucks me off, he's doing it this way. We both have been really immature when we are fighting.

I have alot of growing up to do.

Weekend Wonderment

What a weekend, not bad, not good.... kind of a medium, happy medium.. if that makes any sense.. (which it doesn't)...

Friday nite.. who but CG, asks me to come down. At work we text, and he says.. "yeah we can talk".. and then.. thinks I'm going to call him. He calls. like a bit after 11:30 or so, then I go to Walmart... etc.. then about 3 in the morning.. after us argueing and making up, he asks me to come down.. and I freaking do... Stupid stupid..stupid.. (slams my head against the wall)...

I got up early, took him to work, and then... headed home to get ready to meet AG, (apple guy- he works for apple)... It was wierd/nice.. I think I could learn alot from him, but I'm not sure how much fun I'd actually be.. for him. I loved when he showed me the dreamweaver stuff, and his apple computer, and chit chatting with him, but ... I don't know that he found anything about me interesting. We met at B & N, chit chatted a bit, went back and looked at the movies there.. then went to the mall to Suncoast (great store, btw)... and looked at movies for a long time... At times there.. a little boring, but the Anime movies were cool, as well as I found my all time favorite movie, The Village of the Damned... That was exciting, also found a disk (17 hours) of one of my favourite tv shows, Earth 2. Couldn't afford that one though. He's sweet, always opens doors.. etc.. HE bought me dinner, we went to this local place and had cheesesteaks, which were very big.. but very good as well. BOnus points as well because they served Pepsi.



To be continued....

CG & Her

Last night, after CG told me to call him(after work). I talked to him at my 9 o'clock break, which turned long, because I couldn't quit crying.

Well, after... I try to call him he doesn't answer, and he doesn't answer and he doesn't answer. I couldn't really figure out what was wrong.

I logged onto myspace.com, and saw a message from him... He replied to something I replied to him about a post of "getting laid". I said.. something to the effect... " Good Luck on that, your bitch won't be around for 10 more months." He wrote back, saying this is the meanest thing I've ever said to him. Apparently I hurt him, and this is why he didn't want to talk to me.

So I continue to state to the fact that I think its wrong he tries to get back with her, and can't be honest with her about his life, before she popped back in. Its not fair to her, or to me. It makes me feel like shit, that I never mattered, and that I wasn't important. He told me he wrote her a letter about it, and I wonder what he really said to her, how honest he was with her, and what detail he went into with her...

Meow....

I got a kitty today, at the animal shelter.. I went with a kitten, because I fell in love with her. I wish I was home with her, I hope she's not getting into trouble.

We also had a division meeting here, and I got an award, as well as a Hartford beach towel, hat, beach ball, and little radio. This was for outstanding performance. I'm doing a major turnaround,and I'm really happy about it.

I've fucked up my checkbook, which really sucks. I'm already over my amount I should spend, and I have ten more days till payday. I want to get new insurance, so I'm debating if I should wait another month. I really can't afford to. I can write a check, and just hope that it goes thru from my bank. I guess that depends on if they let me write a check... and etc. I'll call the lady either tommorrow or Friday.

We will see..

Now I need to name my cat. THey had Veronica on the card, but she's still little... Thinking about Phoenix.

I wrote a poem to CG, the other day, haven't really talked to him since. I did briefly, but I didn't get anywhere, and he didn't call last nite to talk. I'm trying not to call him, not sure how successful I'll be though. I want to go down to PetSmart with him, so that I can get some stuff for my kitty, and get a discount. I saw lots of stuff there last weekend, I want to get for my baby... :)

Dates suck...

Went out with KH, I thought we had a nice time. We just watched movies at his place, it got late, and I was tired, and we both kind of fell asleep. He didn't hit on me or anything... but.. I ended up staying. I slept in his bed. We didn't have sex or anything, mostly he just held and caressed me. It was nice... but the next day.. he was weird about things..

He decided that he didn't want to do anything, that he just wanted to hang out at his house. He played computer games, while I watched some tv, and slept on the couch... for some reason I was extremely tired. I hung out for a while, and then decided I'd go see CG, since he'd be off work soon. He was surprised to see me, but then we talked about my date... he said.... things turned out like they did, cuz I didn't give KH any. He didn't really try .. anyway.. but I wouldn't have anyway. I don't believe in haveing more than one sexual partner at once. And CG, just happens to be mine. I stayed the nite with CG, Saturday nite, and went home Sunday after I took him to work.

Sunday nite, S came over, and we watched a movie. (well half of it) and then watched my Sunday nite shows. We cuddled a bit, and talked about my ex's and life. He still seems so sweet, and part of me wishes I could give him what he needs. He's too nice to me, although he knows we won't be dating. We plan on hanging out most of next weekend, cuz his parents are out of town. Hopefully it will be nice.. so we can swim in the pool. He dj's at clubs at nites too, which will be cool to get out.. and about... since I don't go out that much.

So.... I'm here at work today getting overtme. Darian is in VA, with her dad, and gramma.. she seems to be having a good time. She's adopted a puppy there.. and sounds so much different. More talkative. Its nice to have some free time, but I do miss her dearly.

Back to making some more money.....
Wishing I was being held....

CG, and I fought again last nite... I was upset because I told him something, and he kept questioning me on it. I told him I had thought about writing Christina a letter, and he asked.. what would I tell her.. and I wasn't really sure. I can think of lots of things I could say, but I would never do it, because I know it would hurt him. I then asked .."what would you do if you were in my situation.. ".. and he kept saying. "what situation??" , and he kept raising his voice when I wouldn't explain.. It was hurting me, and frustrating me.. he should know what the fuck i'm talking about... I ended up hanging up on him twice.. (since he called back).. I can't stand when I feel like I'm being yelled at. Plus I don't need to cause him anymore frustration...

I'm trying really hard not to call him again. If he wants me, he can call me.. but I'm hoping he's so busy.. that he'll just forget about me this week. Its starting to hurt more and more...

Excitement & Anxiety

Excited, looking forward to my date, at least I think its a date, I'll confirm if its a date... or it is... just hanging out... tonite. He seems nice. He's definately cute, and seems motivated and careing. Good qualities. Very good...

I've been anxious though, and not about the above with I've written about. I feel like I'm having anxiety attacks. I feel for much of the day... (for the last four days)... like I'm standing in front of a group of people giving a speech. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, and its getting really stressful. I told the DR. as well as my therapist, and I'm trying to get an appt with my primary care DR, about this sore throat thing. Its not sore so much, as my tonsils are swallen... its been about a month now. Its rediculous...

Thinking about CG, as usual... he drives me mad. I wonder if we will talk tonite, and if so, what will go on. Part of me is mad at him.. about all this... and part of me really wants to move on.... but I need someone special to step into my life to do that.

I'm afraid because of my problems, that my meeting guys that I'm looking for, may be almost impossible. Its hard for a "normal" person to have any idea what I've gone thru. The man has to be fucked up as well, in order to really understand me. I'm not sure thats really true, but it seems to have become true. Thats messed up.. huh?

Comments

Comments on my comments. I love them. No intrusions... I enjoy them. Other peoples opinions... (although I don't agree sometimes- which this is not the case), well other peoples opinions, give me insight into my own world.

I talked to S, and told him how I was feeling. He's still really needy, but has told me he's ok with being friends. We are going to hang out Sunday nite... mostly because I have another date.. with KH, a single guy, that lives in Philly, 25, lives on his own, and has a decent job. He seems nice, and if all goes well we are hanging out on Friday nite, and Saturday as well. I'll talk to him more tonite about it, but we spent over 4 hours on the phone talking last nite.

My sister called me last nite. She is being admitted to the hospital. Her gall bladder is causing problems with her liver enzymes or such... and they have to go in and remove it. They were trying to hold off, but they can't any longer.

As for CG, well... I was really snotty and sarcastic to him. He doesn't really call me lately... and I try not to call him. The only reason I called the other day was to see if I left my brush there. He couldn't find it. He tried to call me last nite when I was talking to KH, and I ignored the call, especially since I was talking to him online. He said something about wanting to see how I was doing, cuz he was talking with a friend who was having a hard time, and that he couldn't sleep until he talked to me. I told him he should ask Christina to call him and tuck him in. Right after that, he logged off.. and ran away.. pretty much. Thats one thing that really bugs me.. he runs away, and doesn't come back. When I run away, like that cuz I'm upset, I come back, because I realize I shouldn't have ran away. Either way... He told me the other nite.. that He's mine, for now.. he's mine... and that he can't make any promises.... but also that he wants me to date other people as well. I am dating, and I had no intentions of stopping... it just makes seeing other people weird...

As for KH, I need to tell him about my SI, and I'm a bit afraid. I don't think he will judge me, or run away... but... its still a hard thing to do. I don't want him to see it, and question me when we are together, because that makes it difficult to talk about. Plus if he wants to bail, I want to make sure he has a chance.. before I find out that I like him...

Off to therapy....

With him... again

I spent the night there last night. It was good as usual. I've missed him. I love him. I love being with him. Its not about sex, and I'm not trying to say that to convince myself, because although we have this animal desire for each other, I always want sex more than he does. He makes me feel good. He makes me feel special.

I love that I don't really have to work, and that I turn him on so easily. I know exactly what he likes. He knows exactly what turns me on. He gave me a nice massage last nite, and kisses all over. I love that. One thing led to another.. I came, and we held each other for a long time. He always makes sure I get what I want. Its not even about orgasm though, its just about being together, being that close, being one. Neither one of us can seem to stay away from the other. We both don't want to let go.

I know I keep saying, he'd hold me back, that in the long run we wouldn't be good together... but i wonder about that now. Maybe that's why I can't let go. I think I could be good for him. I think he'd encourage me to follow my dreams, I'd have someone there by my side. It would always be a struggle though, with his record, we'd always struggle. I don't think he should be alone in his struggle.

I met his kids today. His daughter seems like a typical teen. She has a sweet voice... and I'd love to get to know her better. One thing I found though, I can hear the frustration in his voice with his kids. He doesn't know what to do with them. He always said, the kids need a mother in their life, but I think its him that needs them to have a mother in their life. I think he needs it. I know how he feels, I feel the same way, with my daughter, and she's so well behaved... I feel at wits end, and she doesn't really do anything wrong. I don't know... I just wonder what happens from here.

I'm so upset about my car getting hit, finances... , and whether we will move or not... I don't really know what to do...

Date

Went on a date, with, lets say.... S. Nice guy attractive, but already seems a little needy. I like him though. I just feel like all I will do is hurt him. I'm still in love with CG it will be a while before I am able to move on. I'm not wanting to be anyone's rebound girl.

We went to the Pagoda, tried not to kill ourselves going down. Sat on this concent, building type shelter thingy for a while, while my obsessive sister called to talk to me about my daughter. Then I got to talk to Darian as well. She sounded so sweet. I miss her, but as well its nice to have a bit of vacation. Everyone is worried that when she goes to visit my ex, that he will try something. I worry too, but I feel I have to do this. I hope the hell I'm not wrong about this. After that, we hiked up the hill.. stopping every so often to chit chat, and to catch our breathe.

Then after that, we went to eat. Do technically since he paid for dinner, to me it was a date. He didn't try to hit on me though... which is good, he put his hand lightly on my back, at pointe=s during our walk. We went to Infinito's the all you can eat pizza place, that serves Pepsi.. hhheeheh....

Then after that, I wasn't sure what to do, and I knew he'd have to leave soon, plus my shows come on at 9pm on Sunday nite, I was like, lets just go back to my house and hang... well because he already knew where I lived, because I had to give Francis a ride to work. So we watched TV. He was supposed to work overtime, but called in, mostly I think because he didn't want to leave.

To be continued....

continuation.....

So, he's already asked me where this is going to go... What do I say? I tell him, I'm in love with my ex still, and that this will take me a while to get over the pain and hurt. It will take me a while to move on. I'm not looking for something serious right now. And I'm not. But should I say? I feel he's too needy, and that he's kind of pushing it already?

He says, he's ok with friends, and that that is what he is needing right now, but he's already talking about me meeting his family, and also about meeting mine. My sister was obsessively calling me yesterday, so he got to hear about my fucked up family. Should I run? He seems nice. He's attractive. But I already understand why women would run away. He has a decent job though, and has two cars, but he's divorced with two children, and lives with his parents. I know how that is, but if I was 40.. or even like some of my ex's 36... I'd definately be suicidal then. I can't imagine, having some of my goals accomplished by that age. ( no offense to my ex's that read this... ) Although, I know I can't handle living alone, if I'm not married, I'd hope I'd of built something for myself and my children.. (child.. etc)... by then.

I love CG, more than anything. I know we can't be together. But I want him to realize, he deserves more. Despite his mistakes... he deserves better, I just want him to realize that. He deserves happiness.. just like we all do.

Fucked Off

CG.. well I'm not sure if we are talking again... but I was down there Wednesday nite, and we had wild sex all nite. Yes, it was fun, but it wasn't the same as it used to be. I have trouble with orgasm, which I didn't really have before. It feels different a bit too, because I feel upset when I'm with him. He always soothes me and comforts me, but its not the same, because I know we aren't together. I don't have any unrealistic hopes... I know what we are. Just fuck buddies.

When I was leaving Thursday... something was said with the word fuck, and I don't remember offhand what it was. Then he said, " I like fucking you!" I was rather insulted and upset with him, and let him know when he tried to kiss me again when I left. To me, whether its wild or kinky or whatever.. its still me making love to him. It always will be. I love him with all my heart. So then, we talked for a few minutes longer, and with tears in my eyes, I stated, "Everyone just thinks I'm your booty call.", and he replied, " You know thats not true, its the other way around." I laughed, because it was funny, and in a way... he's partially correct, because I go there to get my needs met, the sexual ones, the physically ones, and the mental ones. I feel good when I'm in his arms. I feel safe. I feel love. I feel beautiful and wanted. Yet, so much anymore it hurts like hell.

So the other thing I'm pissed about is my car got hit. Just a little bump, with a scratch, but it still pisses me off, and I want to kill the fucker who did it. I can't afford to get it fixed, and it will probably be less than my deductible, which fucks me off. Plus I'm trying to get new insurance... which makes the whole thing more frustrating.... GRRRRRRRRRRR

Punky

Got a letter from Punky today. It was nice to hear from him, although, he questions my questions. I asked him for sort of a timeline of the time we spent together, partly because I'm forgetful, and partly because... I just want his account of our time/relationship together.

One thing though.. is he told me I shouldn't tell my man about him, and how I love him. I do love Punky, although I'm not in love with him. I tell my bf about it, because he's one of my best friends, and its wrong to hide things from your other like that. He asked me.. how would I feel if my bf told me he loved someone else. How ironic, my bf, CG, told me that, and he chose her over me.. because of his promise.

And although we made an agreement not to see or talk to each other again, I ended up in his arms again last nite. He gave me the attention and love I needed. Although I'm pissed cuz I was almost really late for work, because it took me 4 hours to get here. I don't know what to do about our relationship.

I think.. and think and think... I wonder if I were to become pregnant what would he do. Would he leave me.. would I be alone raising a child. Already the sex has become different, and I know its because I'm hurt. I miss knowing I was his only women, I miss my dreams of the future. I miss thinking I'm the only one. I miss thinking I'm special to him.

I love the way he looks at me and tells me I'm beautful, and brushes my hair from my face. I love that, and the way we snuggle when we go to sleep, how he wraps his legs around mine, and holds me close. I love when he kind of just lays on top of me, or me on him, and hold each other.

Chaos

Things are a bit chaotic for me. CG & I agreed not to see each other. I agreed with what he wanted, because... A. I don't want to see him hurting, B. I know its whats best in the long run, C. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted, D. I feel if he wants to be with someone like her, maybe they deserve each other. I know I sound like a bitch, but I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm upset, I'm frustrated, and I love him.

I don't love lightly. I love with all my heart & soul. I love with my all. I love passionately, freely, & unconditionally. My love is like that of a innocent child. I may get upset or angry with my other, but I would never deny them my love & affections. Thats how I am. I'm joulesofaffection. I'm Julie... I am me.

Stupidity or Love?

I love him. I really do. But I think stupidity keeps me coming back. I don't know what to do, what to feel, or how to think. Him and I are back talking. No argueing. I feel his pain. I feel his love. I want to be in his arms. I know, and he thinks I don't... I know that he and I will not end up together in the long run. How do I know this? Because I won't allow it. I can't live my life with someone insecure and unsure of himself. I can't allow myself to be in a long term relationship with someone who isn't trying to build a future for himself. I can't live my life with someone who allows bad influences that close into his heart. I can't be with someone who doesn't want the best for himself.

I love him, I really do. I only want the best for him, but I'm really trying to move on. Its hard, I hate that he is hurting lately. I hate knowing he is so happy with me, and misses me so much when I'm not there. I hate that without me he is alone. But I also have my own needs and wants. I'm looking for a husband, a prince, someone to love me unconditionally.. and to help me build a life, a future, for us, for our family. I can't have that with him.

Observations... Realizations..

When speaking in therapy today, most of the conversation was regarding CG, not so much my relationship with him, other than the fighting, but about how I feel he's not doing what is best for himself. I idealized him in a way, because he overcame a huge obstacle in his life. His drug addiction. I was so proud of him, and how I'd realized he'd grown in that last years. Meeting him, was like so strange, when I realized his past. Seeing him now, its hard for me to look at that part of him.

So one of the reasons I feel so angry about this whole this, is that I feel that she could destroy his life. I feel she would hinder his growth. I feel like she may hold him back, and I wonder if he feels about me, the way I feel about their relationship. I feel like he thinks he'll hold me back, he thinks he'll hinder my growth, and development, of my dreams and goals for the future. He deserves something good in his life. He deserves the best. He's a wonderful man that I love, and he deserves something better.

This is only my opinion, and as you and everyone else knows, everyone has an opinion, and not everyones will agree. I just feel like he's in denial about the greatness of their relationship, and the happiness of her future with him. I only wish for him the best, and at this point, its not about us being together.

Hurting...

I wish my heart could forget about him. I hurt so bad. We had another arguement about his relationship with her. I hung up on him, twice. The first time I guess he didn't realize... but it doesn't matter at this point.

The last thing I said to him is that they deserve each other. I feel this may be true. I don't know that he knows what to do when he's met someone who cares about his feelings. Someone who wants him to be happy. He says he doesn't deserve to be happy. I don't believe that to be true.

I was angry last nite, because I asked him if it was ok that he continue to cheat on his gf. (he's been seeing me... - and she's in jail) He said.. he's not going to anymore. That pissed me off royally, because he never really discussed that with me. But why would he? I'm just a good fuck, someone to distract him from his problems, someone to occupy his mind, while he waits the next ten months for his gf to get out of jail. (yah only ten months now)

Part of me hates him. A bigger part loves him. I know, I ask for hurt and punishment. But I'm really fucked off about that call I got last week from him, saying that he wants me.. etc. I can't get over it. I can't stop thinking about it. He has this obligation to her, because he promised her that he'd never leave her. And he says their relationship was so damn great, because, he saw her sober.. From what he tells me,that wasn't ever day, because after that, she'd get sick and go back to him to get a fix. ( the guy that abused her and gave her drugs) He says.. (CG) "what was she supposed to do?" Well yeah, maybe I don't understand completely because I never allowed myself to be an addict, but they were still her choices. Each time.. she chose to do that, even though she had him as a support & that he would take care of her. He says she left because he went to jail. He was out within a day... and she didn't even stick around. CG says.. well what reason did she have to stick around, she thought I'd be in their for a while, because of my record. And my family would of never tolerated her sickness, and she would of got sick within the day. So she chose to go back to the guy that abused her.

Yeah sounds to me.. CG and her had a great fucking relationship.

Of course, that is my sarcasm coming thru. How can it be much of a relationship if they spent a day or two together, each time before she went back to him, (the guy who abused her, and raped her, and gave her drugs). How much did that hurt him, each time she did that? He says.. " I saw her sober" Fuck if she was sober, that shit was still in her veins... He says.. oh well now she's clean, (duh, she still had to go thru the same pain, though not of her choice)... I don't care how hard the choice was before, she still could of made it. I feel like he's just making excuses for her. I'm not saying that any of the choices would of been easy. THe life changing choices are always hard. The choices that make life better are always hard. The choices that make a difference are the most difficult ones..

All I want is for him to be happy. I hope, I truely do.. that she makes him happy. THat she stays clean and sober, and they have a chance to build something special. I just don't feel very hopeful about that. I know he loves her, but I don't understand his obligation to feel like he has to date her. I don't understand how he could basically cheat on me, and tell her they were together, when he sits there and tells me he loves me. This from someone who supposedly never cheated before.

He told me once that his one gf that he was engaged to.. if she came back to him, he'd get back with her in a second. That hurt me, because I wondered, and still do, if she came back to him right now, what would he choose?

I wish he knew he deserved happiness.

I know this is for the best. I know I need something better in my life. Someone who can give me the loyalty I deserve. Someone who knows how special I am, and how much I can bring into their life. I want to be with someone who treats me like a princess, and wants to be my prince. I want someone to love me.

Holding Back

One whole day... I didn't talk to him. I really didn't think he'd answer when I called. I was trying to block my number but it wouldn't work on my cell phone. So I just called. He answered, he was at work, and he still answered. We talked for about 15 minutes, and he was sweet and confused as usual. He said he wanted to give me time. I wonder how long he would of waited if I didn't call. He's confused, he misses me, said he didn't want to ask, but that he wanted to see me. I want to see him as well. I wish that we could spend all the days of my vacation together next weekend. He says, he's not sure what plans he has with the kids and their mom on Monday.. I'm glad he finally told me that though.

I'm a little upset, because I want to see him. I'm more stressed because he wants to see me. He wants me to come down, although part of him is saying.. that I shouldn't. the longer this goes on, he says, the more its going to hurt, the more he's going to become attached. Part of me wishes he would. When he realizes how good I could be for him, that I'm the one he chooses. I know its wrong... but its still how I feel.

I want him to love me, to cherish me. I want to be his queen. I want us to help each other. I want to share myself with him. I want a family. I want love. I want hope.

I've so stressed I'm feeling sick today. Eating waaay more than I should. I am so sad at this moment, though things aren't going bad. I miss him.

Endings

Endings are like beginnings.. they don't really end. Things are over for now. I couldn't let go, so he did, because I said something to him about it. Yes I am angry.. and was angry, and I let him know. I went off on him.

HOW.. can anyone in their right mind, choose a drug addict and criminal over me? How could he want that for himself and his family? How could he not be loyal to me. How could he fuck with me like that. Because he's a recovering addict himself, because he's a criminal.. or has criminal charges. He knows what its like to be in her position, he knows what its like to not have anyone there.

The thing that fucks me off most is his phone call, one week ago today, at 3:30am... Saying to me.. that he loves me, and he does know what he wants, and that is me, because he loves how he feels with me, BUT, he can't have what he wants right now. HOW THE fuck could he say or do that to me? How.. and why? What good that do me.. except to give me hope, only to be crushed.

I can't do anything for him, he's been depressed lately, and I'm so helpless. I've been depressed lately.. and he's helpless. I asked him, if he knew what was best for me, and that was to walk out.. why didn't he? He said he would miss me, and he couldn't decide which was worse.. missing me, or the way I'm hurting now, because he can't give me what I want/need.

The thing is, despite the fact that I feel he mite of held me back, or mite of changed my goals in life, doesn't make it hurt any less, or make things easier. I was loyal and commited to a relationship with him.. and he couldn't even introduce me to his kids. He's going to wait for 13 more months for his heroine addict girlfriend, who.. isn't such a great influence.. so he can help her. I know when you help someone you shouldn't want/need anything in return. But in a relationship when the one person is giving their all, and the other person has nothing to give.. its not really a relationship. Thats how I feel about him and her. He's going to spend money on her... get her letters and calls, and pay for them as well.. only to be alone, and hurting for the next 13 months. I know how much he hates being alone, and dread his sadness. The only thing I want for him is happiness. And I know how happy he looks and seems to feel when we are together. I can only hope he'll find that in her.

Not sure where to start.

CG & I .. broke up.. well I walked out of the relationship. He apparently wants to be with his ex, because she needs him more.

Short story. They were in love. She's a heroine addict, and in jail for 15 months. She has noone but him. She lived with this guy that used her addiction against her, and she disappeared from CG's life two months before he met me. Now that she's in jail, she's gotten in touch with him. And he realized that he still is in love with her, and that she needs him more than me.

I told him.. .. or questioned myself as to what she had that I didn't have.. and I said the only thing she has that I don't is him. HE didn't disagree,and in fact said he couldn't make a decision. I knew what his decision was, but just wish he could tell me. I feel like he was playing games with me, even though I know he wasn't trying to.

Today I realized more than I'm upset because I'm not important enough to him to be part of his life. Is if I was looking outside this situation, and was just a friend, an unbiased friend. I'd look at him like he was crazy. He's dumping this girl that loves him, with all her heart and soul. A girl that has been nothing but good to him. A girl that is loyal and loving, and beautiful. A strong independant girl that loves public displays of affection. A girl that loves him for him, despite the bad things in his life. A girl that wants him to be happy, and only wishes that for him. I feel like, he doesn't love himself to better himself, and I feel that he feels that he doesn't deserve to be with someone like me. He himself said.. " you are the first women in my life that hasn't been a bad influence"

Oh well, Life goes on huh.. and I gotta get back to work.. so I'll finish my thoughts on this later.

CG & ME

We are back together. Its not like anything was really different though, other than my thoughts in my head about commitment, and relationships. To me, in order to make love to someone, I need to be in a relationship with them, I need to know that they desire me more than anything. Things weren't really that different in the week and day that we were broke up. Only this time its official. We had an official discussion, and not a passionate exchange of words while making love.

I wonder why he changed his mind. I'm actually concerned about it. I want to make sure he did it for the right reasons, and not because he just wants to make me happy. I think that will be our biggest challenge. We are both trying to please each other... and strive to do so. We need to both work on what will make ourselves happy.

I'm looking forward to seeing him again tonite. Although I hope that I wake up some more. I'm half asleep here, but made it to work safely.

CG seemed to be afraid, not just of hurting me, or me hurting him, but he's afraid because of something in that past that I feel he's afraid I'll leave him. I won't. I won't lie, some of the stuff he's told me so far, is hard to deal with. Its hard for me to picture the man I love doing those things. I can't imagine. My worry is that, he will slip, and go back in that mode. I know how easy it is, one mistake, and you can flush all ur hard work down the drain.

Madness

My aunt is still mad at me... for last week.
The whole, my daughter staying with my mom. I'm not sure what to think or say about it, except that... well she is my daughter, and its my choice, not anyone elses.

That then brings towards a problem, since I am going to see CG, both tonite and tommorrow nite, and stay with him, and come home early in the am. My aunt was mad, mostly because I told her we broke up. And even though... we broke up, we are still technically dating, and still talking about what our relationship is, and will be.

We will see. I miss him so much, and he misses me even more. He really wanted me to come over last nite, but it was 3 am, and I had to be up this morning to get my tires done. I'm already cruising with my aunt.. blah..

Tires... and Love

Got new tires today. Been up since 8 or so. Was at the garage most the day. Got my new tires, balanced.. etc, and a front end alignment, and and oil and filter change. Was only 400 something, so it was about what I expected. Just happy I don't have to worry about how much I'm driving now... mostly because I'm wanting to see CG. He wants to see me just as bad. We are like two young teens, both anxious and horny. Its more than that, but our sexual attraction is animal like. It's nice to find someone that satisfies my sexual needs as well as my emotional, and intellectual.

We keep talking about this whole, I'm not his gf thing. And I'm still not, the way he says it, is like because he doesn't want to "tie me down to anything" or he can't ask me "to be tied down". But its not like that. I don't feel tied down. I feel more secure. I'm so insecure about so many things. HE says.. "i'm not actively seeking out anyone.." and I say... "just because you aren't actively seeking anyone.. doesn't mean you won't run into anyone..." Then where does that leave me? Nowhere... I've wasted this time dating someone, who can't commit, because they are waiting for someone better to come along. Or someone with more this or more that, or that is more attractive. I know this isn't what he's saying to me, but this is what goes thru my head when he says that. I want to be his girlfriend, not just someone he is dating. Especially if are goin to continue with the sexual part. For me to be happy and enjoy sex, I need to know exactly where I stand. For me sex in a commited relationship is more sexually and emotionally satisfying. Sex to me is not just physical, its and emotional thing for me as well.

Safe.

Made it home safe from my hectic weekend.
My sister had her baby- Jason Jr, 7 lbs, 11.5 oz ( think that's right).
My brother graduated high school..(OMG- can't believe it)
And my gram let me borrow money to replace my balding tires.

I'm safe at work, but my body hurts, cuz I fell down the stairs.

Had an ob/gyn appt, and didn't get any of my questions answered really. Why am I not having a period? Am I even ovulating? Can I have kids again? What type of birth control should I use? Why did I bleed after sex? ... and many more that aren't on the tip of my tongue. Got some names of some endrocrologists, and also getting some bloodwork done, so we will see. Got to talk to CG after my appt, and kind of updated him quickly because he was at work. He was very concerned about the bleeding before, so I reassured him that everything was ok. We will see. I'm so confused about our relationship.

Honesty

Last nite I was extremely pissed at CG. What did he do... really? My opinion on it.. is that he ommited something very important that he should of told me. He's been telling me that today, he is going to visit a "friend" in jail.. What he conviently decided not to tell me was that he was previously in a relationship with this women.. A women, who although young, has it seems.. to really fuck up her life. A drug addict, and women who continues to allow herself to be abused, mostly it seems because of her drug addiction. And to top that off, it was more recently than he led me to believe. Less than two months ago...or so. He says it wasn't really that serious..but... he's going to see her because he cares, and she had noone.. Her dad is an addict as well...

I'm not sure my feelings on this. Last nite, I was glad he wanted to break up with me. I was hurt, angry and frustrated. Today we talked, although I called him first as I always seem to do. I feel a bit better, as he emailed me as well to tell me this story, one I had no idea about. What pissed me off more was he told me that they didn't really break up, just that he didn't see her any longer. I was more pissed, because of the fact that he decided to break up with me, just before he's going to see her. It makes it too convient.. if you know what I mean.

On top of that, I chatted for a few minutes with T., which I haven't talked to.. in months it seems.... and all he did was confuse me. Part of it stressed me out, because I feel like he never really wanted to be with me. Yes.. I do desire to be wanted... and part of me.. just wants him to want me regardless of the fact that we won't be together again. Also its wierd, for a man to turn me down for sex... and he has.. even though I only partly joke about it. Thing is, if he came up, or he invited me down.. I'd be more than happy to take advantage of him.

I know relationships aren't about sex, but its something I enjoy. Something that gives me a seratonin increase... and makes me feel good. I love the pleasure of a loving partner, that wants to please me.

Men Suck..

And most people I know agree.
Even men I know.

My other problem is.... I think my daughter's father wants to get back together with me. I don't understand or know how I even feel about this. Its been about 8 years since I kissed him. And about 3 years since I even seen him last, and that was when I saw him and his wife. Weird.

Well.. I'm more frustrated because I have many many men that love me. Ok.. so a few that just lust after me, a few that think I'm a fox in bed, and a few that adore me, but noone can tolerate me... noone can be loyal to me. I'm quite tired of it. Quite tired of being alone. Quite tired of men that can't commit, to even a gf/bf relationship. I'm not asking for marriage, although I won't lie, overall I do want a husband.

Ah well, Life goes on... I continue to breathe.. (well even.. lately- no allergy problems)... and my ability to cope is getting better...

Although sometimes, the bridge seems to be the option, but I put that out of my head.
Almost finished with my Harry Potter book, anyone have any ideas, on what to read next? I could use some input.

CG

CG & I broke up. Supposedly a mutual agreement, but more his idea than mine. I believe that relationships take time, and that they can't always be the number one thing in someones life. I understand where he's coming from though, and I question my ability to judge this decision, as... rightly, I should probably run away from the relationship.

I heard the same words come out of CG's mouth that came out of T's. About how he couldn't give me what I wanted, and how he needed to get his chaotic life figured out a bit more. And that things wouldn't changed. But they did, they do. Lack of commitment, pretty much turns me off. I need some kind of commitment... so that part makes me sad.

I also believe that having a relationship with someone, helps balance the the other chaos in your life. Its nice to know that when you come home at nite, someone still loves you, and wants you, and you have someone there to listen to you. Apparently CG, and T- Don't agree..

But I have bigger problems than that....


TO BE CONTINUED.....

Heading Home

Heading home in the morning,
Scared to death, but glad I'm going. I want to see my grandpa. He's not doing well, his arteries are 90% blocked, so they are doing a quadruple bypass in the morning. Everyone seems to be praying for my grandpa and my family. If only God would listen, now would be a good time. He doesn't seem to be though.

I'm confused about my feelings, I want my grandpa to live, and I'm sad & I don't know what I'll do if he dies. I don't know how to deal with it, and its a big selfish, being worried about my own sadness, when.. he could be dead.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But alas I'm here at work, doing BRC's and luckily not talking to customers. I'd definately loose it today if I had to. Although BRC's get old too, it distracts me.. so my eyes are completely teared the whole time.

Grandpa

I miss him. I wonder what pain he's in. I fear that call, that will say he's passed, all I want to do is see him one more time, if that is so...
I'm scared. I've never had someone die that I was really closer to. My great-gram passed when I was 7 I believe, and I was too young to understand as I didn't have a chance to get to know her.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Work is being understanding though, and luckily I have some time...

I just want to see my grandpa, hold his hand.. and tell him I love him, and I wish I had been around more. I want to thank him for loving me, and loving my daughter, and helping me out when he can. I love him.

I prayed to God last nite, to keep him safe, and then.. early in the morning he had another heart attack and they life flighted him to Erie. Where is this God, everyone tells me about?

Tears...

Tears flow down my eyes, because I know no other way to express my sadness.
I've already been depressed, this is the third day, of my down.
This morning, well right before work, i get a call from my uncle Joe,
he called to let my aunt know that my grandpa was in the hospital.
He had a mild heart attack and is now having problems with his kidneys. He's stable from what I understand, but it still scares and upsets me.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I wish I could see him, I never make enough time to see him, and he's not getting any younger.

Hecticity

Is that a word?
Who cares.
My life is so hectic lately. Busy, busy, busy... keeps me happier, because I have less time to worry. Things still aren't perfect but they seem to be getting better. I've been busy with Therapy, work, job interviews, other appts like allergist, and now the dentist. I kind of wish I could get another job, and reduce my hours here, so I could keep my insurance. We will see. This job is a bunch of bs. Blah, things here lately haven't been that bad.

My new bf, CG is great. He always cheers me up, despite my bitchyness. I'm a little lost now though, because, I asked him last nite.. "what is it you really want?" and he replied "I don't know". I wish that I could find someone that has an inkling of what they want. I know what I want. I've known for a long time. I want a family. A traditional one in a sense. Husband, wife, and children. Maybe one day.

Noone...

Noone really comments on my blog much anymore. Kind of dissappointing and relieving at the same time. I'm not sure if I like having my post public, for everyone to read my doubts, my dreams, my hopes, and my hurts... or if I like them being private. I think the most productive thing of having them open and out there, is my few friends that read, get to keep up to date with me, even though, they and I are too busy to talk. But, then I say things here very uninhibited, and some people may not enjoy reading it.

Had a job interview, close to Philly today, Plymouth Meeting, was close to CG, about 15 minutes, so I called him. On my newly reinstated prepaid stupid cell phone & said.."can I have a minute of your time" he was like "sure." but he didn't quite get that I wanted to come over. So I was like, "hun, I want to come over." He off course was like, cool, where you at. So I stopped by, we hung out outside, and he played with the dog. Beautiful dog. Then, just before it was time to leave, we went inside.. Before this though, (although he did notice my hair, which was cool), he kept asking me.. what was wrong. "Nothing," I replied. It was with honestly. I really didn't think anything was wrong. Just the normal worries, the relationship... etc. I was wanting a bit more attention and affection, but we were outside, and people were around, so it was ok. Well, when we went in the house, he was getting ready for work, we started making out, and he asked could we have a quickie. Would I deny him? No... I'm always horny. So here I am, at work, typing this, smelling like the sweet smell of sex.

On another note. Today I was suppposed to start the medicine to get my period. And... well.. it came on its own. Thats a good thing, means my body is still working.. but we will see.

Realizations...

On my desk is a fortune cookie fortune. It says " You will come to realizations in your life that change you forever". Little did I know, when I got this fortune cookie months ago, that it was, and is true. In the last few months, I've learned more about myself, and how I work, and how I see things. I've become more aware of my faults, and what it is I'm looking for in life. I've learned more than I have in the last 26 years. I still don't know all there is to know, and I don't know how to be quite happy. But I can say, I realize the happy moments and take advantage of them, and enjoy them. This is something I never did before.

It started before this, but this was a major changing point. Probably 3 weeks to a month ago, I had a talked with my friend, Paul, someone whom I've never met, but have all intentions to. He's a good friend online, and we always have meaningful conversations. We have always talked about T. alot. He always thought T. was bad for me, but never really said. Just gave me words of encouragement. Paul is married, and I always ask him for love advice. Well, like I said.. about a month ago, we had a conversation about why I idealized the relationship with T. I never realized it, but it was because he saved me. He saved me from EPB, he saved me from myself, and he gave me hopes and dreams. Something I don't remember ever really having. At least not realistically. I had hopes and dreams before, but I never did anything for them to come true. I never really thought they would happen. My hope for the future, is to be happy. To be ok, with me, to feel safe with myself. Sounds weird, but its hard when the person you are with the most, yourself, is the person you can trust the least.

Every day is a journey. Every day, I've learned something new, especially with the help of CG. He gets my mind thinking, and encourages me to explore why things are they way they are. I don't totally agree with what he says, especially about moving on, because, I need to have closure for my life, I need to have closure on the bad things that happened. I don't know how to do that. I can't cut myself off from my family, although I sometimes think I should. My love is unconditional, whether they love me or not. Well last nite, in our talk, CG, and I explored alot of things. One was the molestation by my uncle. The other, was where did my life go wrong...

I stated to him, "9 months before I was born". He was like, no... really... Julie, where did it go wrong. I sort of tried to prove my point, and I said... " my parents never wanted me, NEVER." And its true. I was a pawn on their chessboard from day one, they wanted me when it was convenient. When they could get money or status from having a child. When they could get welfare benefits. When it made them look good.

Having said this. My need for being wanted... My desire to be loved, stems from the day I was born. Never really feeling lvoed, never being wanted. It took me a long time to realize that I had any sort of love because of the fucked up way my family shows it to each other. When I say this, I'm talking about my gram, and my aunt, the only two people in this world, that showed me love from a young age.

Unfortunately.. I can't continue this right now. I have to log on at work, and I need a few minutes, to cheer up.

My realizations, are changing me. It makes me happy to change for the good.

Saturday

A week from the day that I met CG. I honestly love and care for him with all my heart. I am scared though. I've found some things out about him, that were in his past, that are not things I normally tolerate. Does it make him less of a person? NO. It makes him more of a man, for being able to tell me these things knowing it may scare me away. He has so much more to tell me, I look forward to it... although, a bit scared also. I wonder what kind of bf he will be, what kind of husband and father. I wonder if we will get along in the long run. Things were kind of tense yesterday, before he left. I felt bad because he missed the bus, and wouldn't be home until late at nite, wasting what was left of his day off. He felt bad, and seemed upset about the whole thing. He didn't really talk about it too much. It was our own crazy fault though, running off in the middle of the nite, so we could talk and kiss and cuddle and make love. I think we were both feeling needy on Friday.

He sort of fulfilled my sexual fantasy... We made love, and in the middle, he went down on me... and then I pulled him up, so I could lick the taste of us from his mouth. The only thing that would of been better is if he had cum first. That, and the idea of that, makes me aroused.

I worry, again, because I got really upset with him yesterday. We were talking about our sexual partners, and I found out he had more than he originally said. Which
A. made me feel bad, about feeling bad about telling him my number, and not sharing it openly when we talked about it last weekend
B. made me think about, perspectives, and question why he didn't tell me the truth in the first place
C. made me wonder why he didn't tell me in the first place, and what else he mite not be being honest with me about
D. he said something to the effect.. "well it wasn't recently", making me feel bad about my fling with D., my friend, recently
E. made me wonder about the honesty of our communications about std's and how recently each of us had been tested
F. made me wonder if we really had a good level of communication and honesty in our relationship

I haven't heard from him. I'm trying not to worry, because we both had lack of sleep, and I'm sure he was tired, but... I keep thinking maybe he's mad at me for the whole thing, him missing the bus... and wasting the whole day with public transportation systems. The whole thing really sucks.

I have a job interview on Wednesday, with a staffing agency, closer to Norristown/Montgomery County... Not sure what to think about it, or what kind of jobs exactly they deal with. I advised her of my current job position, and my current salary, and told her that is what I was looking for. We will see. I think I'd prefer to do something, where I teach something, or where I'm constantly learning. I really want to spend more time at my job doing something more meaningful & interesting. Lately because I've been thinking of school, I've really thought of going to school for Elementary Education and psychology, instead of Architectural Design/Drafting with a minor in psychology. It would give me the power to help people, to teach and to learn, and the type of schedule that I'm looking for in the long run. We will see. I have other things to straighten out before I get back to school.

Continuation....

I still question why he'd want to date me, but I guess I understand a little more now. He's very loving and caring, but he's done some bad things in his life. He seems to understand me. He reads me pretty well. I hate that he says, lets just see how it goes, lets take it slow. Taking it slow would of been.. if we didn't have sex. But we did, and I wouldn't take it back.

We are two crazy.. fucking people. 3am, Friday morning, I drive to Philly, to pick him up, to come back to my house.. and make love. I think I arrive at around 5am or so, because I got misdirected and went to New Jersey. It was a fun ride. The city is beautiful. The drive was beautiful. The neighborhood where he lives is cute. See him was wonderful. We got back to my place a little after 6, only to see that we were locked out, but Sally was awake, gave me a dirty look, and let me in. Was like... Are you going to work today.. .I was like "of course"... duh. But in the meantime, he and I made love all day, playing, cuddling, kissing... and such... and we never slept.

I feel bad, because he missed the bus, and had to wait till 4 something to get the next bus, meaning he won't get back home till 9 tonite. I tried to get off work, I have like 11.2 hours of vacation that I can use, but today wasn't open.

More continuations....

My weekend...

My weekend was absolutely wonderful. Now... things aren't so great though, I'm down on a real low, from the high I was on. Not because I miss him..., but because I can't cope with what I may do to him in the future. When I say him, I'm referring to CG. I love him, I truly do, but I see my habits coming thru, as they usually do. I'm hurting already, paranoid to some extent that he will leave me, that he will hurt me, and my daughter. But the thing is... I don't want to hurt him.

In my mind, I'm running away already... running far. I've thought about breaking up with him, why did this run through my mind? He didn't call last nite. First nite, he forgot to call, and he didn't really forget.. he fell asleep, just as I did, mostly likely because he was exhausted. I was ready for bed at 11pm, so what does that tell you??

He was so wonderful the whole weekend. He gave me the perfect date, something I never thought could happen. He spoiled me. I loved it. He never once mentioned money, and part of it bugs me. I know he spent alot of money coming up, buying things, and what not.... Its something we haven't really talked about.

I still think about the weekend, and how wonderful it was. How much I felt spoiled, How perfect he is. Its weird. We are so much alike, yet so different at the same time. We have plenty of the same values, and needs, and I just hope it stays this way. Its scary. He's going thru alot, as well as me.

He questioned my self esteem the other day... because I asked.. "What is the benefit of you dating me? What can I give the relationship?" I feel these questions have nothing to do with self esteem, but more as to being in a healthy relationship. I'm a mess. Even when I'm good, its hard, because you never know when I'll flip out and have a breakdown/meltdown. I'm so unpredictable, so unstable. What kind of person wants someone like that in their life. Its not what I'm looking for, so I find it hard to accept.

To BE Continued...

You've got to be fucking kidding

I just wrote a big long post.. and its gone..
FUCK...
will talk about my weekend and feelings.. and stuff when I get home from work tonite.. blah

Tommorrow

Excited about tommorrow, and meeting CG. We've both been impatiently waiting all week. We are going to Olive Garden for dinner, then a movie, not sure which one, and then.. hopefully a walk or something. Not sure yet what time he is arriving, but either way, we can't leave until about 4:30 anyway. He's trying to score points with Darian and get her a new guinea pig, but Francis has yet to buy a new cage. It really really pisses me off.

I'm stressed out at the same time, because dispite the fact that I make a shitload of money, I'm broke. I can't afford my currently livin style, and in fact. I realize although, I can't do anything now, I probably shouldn't have bought my car. My normal monthly bills are over one grand, then I have gas, and a sitter... and now that Sally may be getting a new job, I have to shell out more and more for a sitter, that I can't afford now. I have pretty much no money for food... I've been mostly scrounging around the house for food, because I haven't went grocey shopping in months. Not sure what to do. Get another job, part time... or what. I know one thing I do have to do. Call a Lawyer, and get the rest of this shit taken care of. I wish I knew what to do.

Stresssssssssed OUT!!

Life is so frustrating. Its an emotional day. I've already been emotional, and my hormones don't help anything. I haven't had a period in almost 3 months. My daughter has lice again. AGAIN! I want to go shoot someone. Francis and Darian disappeared so I didn't get to treat her before I left for work, so I left a note for Sally to do it, but I doubt it will get done, or done right, so I'll have a bigger mess tommorrow to deal with. FUCK Freaking WOW!

So Stressed. Did I mention that? What keeps me going...?? My new.. sweetie, not sure what refer to him as.... maybe CG (Crazy GUY)- He is crazy- he has to be... he tolerates me.. and still wants to meet me after all the stuff I've told him. And I pretty much tell him everything. Its weird.. he acts so similiar to me.. (in the good ways).. he's very loving, and caring, and concerned. If I were him and I met me, I'd run the other way...

So he's coming on Saturday, up from Philly, and.. we are meeting, supposed to go to Dinner, at The Olive Garden (I've been wanting to go there), and then to a movie. He's getting a hotel just down the street from my house. Not sure what we are doing Sunday, but I'll figure something out. Thinking the Pagoda, maybe a museum.

But... Therapy was stressful, talked about alot of sexual things, that go on in my life. Something I wasn't able to share with my last therapist. She asked me.. if I was planning on having sex with CG.. and I was like.. uh "NO"... but we didn't really talk about it. One thing I enjoy, is we flirt, its just not all sexual. Though... he has said.. that he wants to "make love to me"... He said that we can take it as slow as we need to... and I feel there is no need to rush.

I worry though.. as I do alot.

We Shared...

I love you 's
Crazy? Probably!
But does it feel good?
YES!
It feels wonderful.
It feels delightful.
It feels right.

Work

So frustrated with this place. Sucks too, cuz I'm sure if they wanted they could see what I'm writing here. Who knows, they could be watching now, even though I'm on break. I'm upset mostly for the fact that noone here can get their shit together...
IE: I got a call from a member regarding that fact that Medicare didn't approve his date, for the date he requested, and that his date moved ahead two months.. From 05/01 to 07/01- There was a note on the account referring this to a manager if they called back. Ok, I thought this was wrong, so I call Escalation, and they say... they are looking in the manual.. IN the meantime I find it, and say.. is this correct? and she says.. "YES, call a case manager", I tell the IM what is going on, and then transfer, This manager lady comes on... and says.."why are you transfering, you need to do blah blah blah Eform" I stated, " because escalation told me to", and she said "NO" and wouldn't take the call. WTF? what do they get pd for. If we aren't allowed to refuse calls why the fuck should they?

I just spoke with a co-worker, and she told me to write a mail to the higher ups regarding this. It just totally pisses me off.. stresses me out, and makes me look like an asshole. Plus now, I'm on the verge of tears, and I just want to run away from here.

I don't know what to do. I don't totally hate my job.. I just can't stand that people don't do their jobs. I really would prefer to own my own business. I'm thinking alot lately about majoring in psych, rather than minor, and then I can open my own practice or whatever, if its something I enjoy. Meeting my therapist though, was a real eye opener, but mostly because she admitted to be a little instable herself. It was soothing and reassureing.

Love....

I'm smitten. I just started talking to him last week, but its been delightful. I'm able to share with him. He's making an effort, he's coming to see me... he's taking me out. He calls... (but like most typical men.. haha) He's looking for a relationship. He has children, so he understands the whole single parent thing. He has a decent job... he loves animals..

I'm looking very forward to our date. Very excited. Things have been doing alot better since I saw the doc, and got started on some new meds, that hopefully won't effect my sex drive. They've helped my mood swings though. My new therapist is delightful as well.

Tired...

Blah.. Tired today. Got up at quarter to six, so I could see my new therapist by seven. It was worth it.. but I'm still tired. She's nice, a little neurotic, but nice. She has mood swings like me. I feel better when my therapist shares wierd info like that with me. I talked and talked and talked w/ her today. The hour went by fast. Kind of makes me think I could be a therapist, but then... well I think I'd have trouble with boundaries. I care too much. I want to take care of everyone.

I'm hurting bad now, because I want to do something with my life. Something to help people. I'm not sure what to do though. I'm tired of not doing my share for the world/earth.. etc. I want to make a difference. I think that would make me happy. Overall though. I am doing better. The meds seem to have stopped the excessive crying. I've made it thru my stressful week. Monday & Tuesday were a breeze, Wednesday.. was a bit difficult and yesterday was ok.. it helped that I got to try to help get this poor little bat out of the office. He someone got into here.

That.. and Wednesday, I had some good orgasms. I had some help from... "J" my photographer friend. He watches me on cam, and we talked on the phone. Its very arousing. I'd love for him to come and take some pictures of me. He loves watching.. it makes me hot.

Regardless.. I'm still lonely. Lately I've been thinking of T... more than usual. I don't rather enjoy that... because I've come to the conclusion.. that in reality.. we aren't really friends. Its not like it was before.. and it never will be. I'm not important in his life... and there isn't anything I can do to change that. I try to communicate with him... and I get nothing in return. Nothing substantial anyway.... and I feel like its just me. I feel like I'm not important enough to communicate with.

On another note.... I was supposed to have a date on Mother's day weekend, because Sally was supposed to leave town.. but she's not leaving.. so this sucks. Not sure if I'll keep the date or not. blah.

I miss you.........

Hey, I miss you! I hope everything is ok, it sucks that your phone got turned off, I am sure you feel the same. Did you go back to work on Monday? I hope everything turns out ok and that you can ditch Verizon and find a new cell provider quick............I'm dying here! =o) BTW, I got the e-mail you sent about the "cracker". LOL It was hilarious!! =o) Love you!

Slitting My Wrists

or Overdosing,
Seems to be the only way people will help you. Medical professionals, insurance companies.. whomever.
I've contimplated it severals times today. I still,look over at my razor... wondering if it would help or make things worse.

Don't think things could get any worse. I didn't go to work today, so I doubt I have a job left to go back to. But.. who knows. I personal just think they want to get rid of me. I ask too many questions. I cry too much. I'm unprofessional. This job gave me confidence when I started, and now, takes it away doubly. I question my ability to function at all. I'm tired of getting talked to. I've never had to be "talked to" before at my job. I'm the girl, who does her job, overly... and makes her customers happy.... The one management doesn't have to keep an eye out on.

I'm so sad, so angry, so upset with myself. I fucked around for so long.. now I want to do something and I don't know what to do.

Depression & Psychotic Analysis

Depressed more than ever.
I don't know how to cope with my job, and my medical problems, not just the depression, mostly the asthma, and the migraines. They really get me down. I try to get help with all of it, and nothing seems to really help. It goes thru phases. Right now, I'm really sad. I don't want to write about it, because it makes me think of suicide more.

It all came, from... my boss sitting me down yesterday, not at his desk, we went to a private office- to talk about what happened on Tuesday. The asthma attack. I sat there, barely able to breathe, and they are asking me what to do. I don't know, this never happened to me before. I said just call, the ambulance. Not what I wanted, but I didn't know what to do. So again. I'm not really treated, I went to my Dr. the next day. He states my lungs are clear, and its fine for me to get my shots. Lets increase the Advair he says. And thats that. I cry just thinking about it. I don't know where or how to get a new dr. and I can't handle all this. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

I just want to die. At least part of me does. The other part wants to fight, but I have no fight left. I fought to get here, and I'm still back at square one. I can't afford my medications. I can't afford my car. I can't afford to live. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a loser, because all I've done is fuck up, since I moved here with my aunt, never working hard enough, never paying enough, and now... I want to.. and I can't.

Um....

Wrote T., an email today. I realized so many things while at the garage waiting today, reading my Book, 10 Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives (besides that exhaust problems aren't under warranty, and I need a new muffler, and new tires). I hadn't sat down and read it, because I was feeling too emotional. I've been wanting to email T. though, for a while, I wanted to write him a real letter, since, his.. ASK MOI email... of questions I asked him.

I feel so lost right now, I know some things I'm going to do, but as for my job right now... I'm really really lost. I like customer service, I enjoy it, but I'm sick of doing things that don't really use intelligence.

What do I want to be when I grow up?
1. An Architect
2. A Race Car Driver
3. A Singer (hahah, yeah right...)

Work..

I left work early, well sort of. I actually was there until 11pm.

BUT around 9 pm or so, i started coughing, and my asthma was kicking up, I took my inhaler, with the hopes that would help. I went to the bathroom, and started coughing and coughing and coughing.....

I couldn't breath, I started getting upset about not being able to breathe, how much time I was off the phone, and if I would lose my job.. and I started to get more upset and more upset. I went and sat on the couch, and it didn't help much. I took my inhaler again, my 6th puff within the hour. My hands started to get numb, I wasn't coughing anymore.. but I couldn't get a deep breath in.

This went on for about 20 minutes or so, before I was able to recover my breathing.
Someone, of course, told my boss, but, I wasn't sure what to do.

I'm alive, scared, but alive. Thankfully, I think. Going to try to see if i can find one of my doctors to see me tommorrow..... to take a look, but I'm in so much pain right now...

My head hurts, my chest is tight, and I'm scared, I'm very very scared.

Feeling better...

C. called last nite. I was quite surprised. He called back again today, wanting to see about doing something tonite. I want to invite him over to watch a movie, but the house is a mess, and Sally has been sleeping on the couch. Her bf is a pain in the ass. Oh well, thats life.

I'm feeling more positive, was able to talk to Lisa today, kind of getting things out, writing always helps. I realize, some of the things, I do sort of wish were different, although, in reality, I do wish sometimes that they were, I don't really want them to be. I know things happen for a reason. And the more my life goes on, the more I want to know, the more I experience, the more valuable my knowledge is.

After I got done, chatting with T., if you call it that. A bit of a one sided conversation, ending with me getting upset, and going to bed my bed crying myself to sleep, missing him, and knowing none of it really matters to him. (or thinking that anyway). I always have so much I want to tell him, part of me has been wanting him back lately.. and glad I didn't say anything to him. I realize that I'm just healing from the loss. It just hurts more, because Darian misses him as much as I do. I'm angry at him. He's right, he shouldn't have told me, of the future he wanted with me, and the fact that he did, hurts more. If I didn't have ideas about the future, that he input, I'd of been ok with us breaking up, and would of let him go. But I find that, knowing he loves me, hard to not be together..

I believe, if you truely love someone, everything else is a minority. That love conquers all, to some extent I believe. I just wanted to build a healthy relatinship with him, and I was in a place then, that that would of been impossible.

Part of me just wants to ask him for a second chance, part of me says, let it go, move on, he has. Thing is, everyone I think, thinks i've moved on, because I date, and I do this, and I do that... but.. I've not moved on, working on it though. Just not sure how to completely get over the anger I have lately.

The Five Stages of Loss

Five Stages Of Grief
1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3.Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4.Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5.Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.



Anger... where I am. Grief, of a loss, doesn't always mean death. I've lost alot of things in the past few years, and mostly, the people I care about... well I feel angry about it. I don't know how to get over the anger.

I'm angry at them, but mostly angry at myself. Angry for fucking up. Angry for the things they do say to me when I do talk to them, or the things they don't. I'm angry over the choices I've made, as well as the ones they've made.

None if it really seems to matter in the long run. Thats life right, If I don't like it change it... (something someone said.... to me...)

Crying, Dying, and Generally Sad

Thats me.
What should I do? What shouldn't I do.
I feel like such a loser. My actions in the last few years have been really fucked up. I realize how lazy, stupid, and selfish I've been. I don't know how to change... I don't know what to change... I don't know who I am, or where i'm going, or why I want to go anywhere.

I just want to chalk everything up for a loss. I don't know how to fix anything. The phone bill, my job, this car, the insurance thing, my credit, this house, moving, my child, my internet addiction.

I just want to be happy. I want people to love me. I want people to think good things when they think of me. I'm tired of being the girl, that scares everyone away. I'm tired of being the cute girl, that nooone wants to commit to. I'm tired of being afraid of commitment myself. I'm tired of trying to fit in. I'm tired of not belonging. I'm tired of not having faith. I'm getting tired of being told to have faith. I'm tired of being told "it will get better", when all that happens is things become more complicated. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being told that my sickness is psycho-symatic. I'm tired of my therapist, I'm tired of not having anyone to talk to. I'm tired of this place. I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of raising my little girl by myself. I'm tired of her being tired of it. I'm tired of being so frustrated. I'm tired of breathing. I'm tired of life.

I'd like to shoot someone, and I don't care who hears it...

I should really quit saying that, thats why I got in trouble at work. Its what is the life of me. Its what will always be the life of me... both good and bad... my mouth, my fucking loud mouth, where I never hesitate to hold my tongue, and always say... (well always at inappropriate times) whats on my mind.

I'm never assertive enough. I'll never be strong enough, or bold enough, or sexy enough, or smart enough....

I'll never be enough, because I'm always looking up to impossible standards. My own. And I wonder why noone wants to date me. I think I purposely try to scare them off, so I don't have to deal with them. Its easier being alone. Mostly.

Life... Blah

I need a drink. I want a drink. I'd rather have ativan.... one day soon.

I'm soooo stressed out. People here at work.. the customers are crazy today.
I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm depressed.. stressed and tired...

and Ohhh.. so lonely.

I can't wait until the things I'm doing fall into place. I need them too, I want them to, and I will do what it takes to make things happen. Its just so hard to find the motivation. But I've been pushing myself... its just things keep coming up.

I'm trying to keep the bills paid, trying to figure out my finances... trying to figure out what I really want to do. Its going slow. I'm so upset right now, because although I treated Darian for lice two weeks ago, she has it again. I was late for work today, because I had to spend time treating her, before we leave tommorrow. I told her I don't want her friend over at our house, and she is not allowed to go there for a while ( I said forever, but I didn't mean that).

In the meantime, Francis is a drunk, I'm dumping his wine down the sink when I get home tonite. Which is ironic, because i'll be drinking.

Hhahahha.. now i just have to find a D.D.

Uh.. and a boyfriend..

I guess...

I guess I should explain my previous post, so I don't freak anyone out. I got wrote up at work. It really pisses me off.
1. because they say I have a prior verbal warning...
2. because I have the fucking worst luck in the world.
3. because I really did fuck up....

at work, I had a really bad call, Escalation was NOT helpful, as usual, and then the provider started giving me a hard time. In between the transfer I said.... " I'd like to shoot someone ( not sure I mite of said myself), and I don't care who hears me." Well they heard the call, it was recorded. The girl on the other end, a claims specialist for UHG, didn't seem to say anything, and I apoligized to her if she heard it. So I'm not sure if she turned me in, or if, by luck it was recorded, either way...

I'm pretty much about to be fired. I'm not even sure what the verbal warning is.... I'm a bit confused about that.

Either way.... I'm not really suicidal... though I sometimes wonder why I bother. Right now, I'm trying to make a better life for myself, for Darian, and build a future we both can enjoy. I'm just not sure where to go with it all. I'm so confused, so lost, and feel so hopeless.....

Life

I hate life, I hate my job..
I hate breathing, I hate struggling to breathe..
I hate the world, I hate that anger...
I hate the HATE...

I should just go shoot someone.
or myself.

Men... uh.. Grr.. .. blah

What a fucking nite...

Met this guy.... it was weird, a weird internet thing. Thing is, I prolly should NOT have met him.... he was moving a bit too quick, but I did, and I'm glad I did.

Well what happened was, we met at Legends, and sat to have a few drinks. I had 3 drinks and was TOTALLY toasted... he saw i was getting drunker, and well, sort of took advantage of that. We ended up in his truck, in the back parking lot, making out, and... uh.. stuff. He tried to get me to fuck him. I was like NO WAY....

He totally didn't deserve me. Not one bit. Well, at some point, because I won't fuck him.. or suck him off...Which he btw offered me money to do.... (which pissed me off).... he said he was going home.. and he didn't really care how I was getting there. OH WELL... I looked at my car.. and had to pee, so I went into the hotel bathroom, and decided to go into the bar....

To sober up. Ordered a coke and a water, and enjoyed the scenery... cute guys everywhere.... then this guy.. comes up to me, looks like he was going to order a drink, but was acting very shy.... ended up asking if anyone was sitting there.... (next to me....) I was like no.. we exchanged smiles... looks.. and more smiles, then started chit chatting...

I just hope he's not a jerk like most guys I meet. Cuz he could really break my
He's adorable the way he looks at me, and strokes my hair... the way he looks into my eyes... and runs his hand down my shoulder.... the way he kisses... He's such a doll, I could easily fall for him. I don't want to be the rebound girl heart. He's cute, flirty, nice smile.. nice butt.. you name it.. and we seem to have some things in common... (like to drive cars... drive well and fast..)
though, he just got out of a long term relationship... a month or two ago...

i'm going to have sweet dreams tonite... I hope he does too.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Something I found.... August 15th, 2004

I was going thru some emails that I had....and saw this.... I wrote this to T. when we started talking more. This is the first email I have record of.

It explains alot of things to me, but makes me realize, I warned him more than I really thought that I did. I don't blame him for staying away from me. I just wish I could either get over him, or figure out how to get over him, because today, I've lost hope, and I don't feel that anything I do will matter, because he's stubborn,and thats one reason I love him.



Hi there sweetie.
Thanks for the email. Seems really... nice. Glad I read it tonite. Besides, I'm not one that could hold off reading it anyway. I'm not really sure why you like me. I mean, well part of me knows, that I am likable, but the part that stands out lately, is the part, that just doesn't understand anything, especially life.

I've really been wanting to die. I made a promise, ( I didn't say promise to you, but.. when I said I'd consult you first, I meant it, and to me its a promise). Peter asked me the same think, and I told him I couldn't promise him anything. I feel really bad about the relationship between him and I. I know, know matter what, he would never understand. He sees me as the only person that has ever been good to him. The only person that has shown him love. It may be true, I'm not sure, but that is just me, I've very loving, and giving in a relationship. I give too much sometimes.

I guess technically I'm single, ;) for today anyway. I don't know really what is going to happy between me and him. I do care for him alot, and he's been good to me. But from what I felt from the beginning of the relationship, is that he wasn't quite what I was needed, and I know that now. Just hurting him, hurts me alot.... especially when he's made me feel so good. He's been one of the most attentive men, I"ve met. Part of me, just wants to always stay single. I don't think I'll ever find a man I can spend my life with, and that is what in my heart I believe that I want. I want someone that is there for me every day, as I am there for them. Someone to talk to about my problems, someone to hold me and comfort me... a best friend. That is really important to me, that my husband be my best friend. Its really hard for me, it seems all my relationships move so fast, I just don't know what to do. I know I am needy, but it seems when I meet a guy I like and he likes me, I become more needy.. and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I'm glad I can share things with you. Athough, I feel sometimes the things I say, mite scare you or drive you away... I say them anyway, in hopes that you wont.

I'm getting tired, so I will end this here. Look forward to talking to you tommorrow. Hope your dreams were sweet.

xxoxoxoxoxooxoxo,

Julie

My 4-Banger

Duh, I like almost forgot, but was reminded again this morning. Whats my fucking luck, my car was hit already. I forgot, cuz its not really a big deal, its just the idea that it was hit. What can I do about it? NOTHING. It actually was just the plate (the cute little silver Mazda plate in the front)- it was hit and has a dent in it...

At least, what happened to this guy I'm talking to, didn't happen to me.... He told me that... his "newer" car, didn't say what make or model ( I didn't ask, men seem to have a problem with that), but this guy is well off, him and his 17 year old son live outside of DC in a nice little area.... Well he woke up, I think it was this past week... and his nice "newer" black car, was painted bright yellow. He wasn't a bit fucked off, his neighbors seem to be more upset... because "that" doesn't happen in his neighborhood... He's like "the insurance company will take care of it". Me I would cry, trying to figure out where to come up with teh 250 deductible to pay to get it fixed.