The Day After the Day After

Feeling a little emotional now. Not feeling depressed today, so its a big move. I didn't take the Trazadone last nite either. I feel like I was a little rude to Calin today, when the things he did made my feelings hurt. I just don't know why I am so emotional, and so overly sensitive. The whole arguement we had was stupid, and I'm glad its over. Each time we do have an arguement, I feel closer in the end. I feel like we've always made a big step towards the better future that we both want.

My grandmother is driving me crazy. Ordering me around. Telling me she's going to put my cat to sleep, when she puts the dog to sleep. The dog is sickly. My cat is healthy and vibrant. I want to take my cat, and my daughter and leave. I've talked to my mom about staying with her. My brother agrees I can. I just have to talk to my stepdad. I don't know if I can handle it there much better either.

Either way... Life goes on!!

Thanksgiving

Where to begin? I am thankful for what I have, Darian, Calin.. my aunt, my cat, my sisters and brothers.. and for all the things I do have. But.. I'm missing what I've always wanted, a real family. I don't feel like my family really loves me. They are not affectionate, and well, never have been that I can remember. Why is that a problem for me? I really don't know.

Ever since my first boyfriend, Clair, all I've really wanted to be was married. I dated him for 6 years on and off, and always thought we'd be married. We both talked about it alot, it seems, as I look upon those days. In the end it didn't work out, and I'm glad, because now I have Darian, and Calin, the two I am most thankful for having.

I know I can't change my family, but I don't feel I have to be around them like this either. I don't like it, and I certainly don't want it. I'm feeling very depressed and sad today. Missing my Calin. .. and missing what I want my holidays to be like. I can not wait till that is changed, and I can spend my holidays with him.

I guess I just want my family to do things for me like other familys do. To love me, to hold me.. to comfort me. I know that will never happen, but it is hard to accept. I want to be held, loved, and comforted, especially on days like today. I haven't had a family dinner in about 3 years.. so maybe that is why today was harder than I really even thought it would be.

I didn't realize till partial yesterday, though, how much I really didn't like holidays. I've never really enjoyed them. They bring too much tension, just like Darian's birthday party did. I've had those suicidal thoughts, something I haven't had in a while. I just feel like my world is falling apart. These headaches are really getting to me. I've had one almost everyday now for a week. The medicine takes care of them for the most part, but they are still very stressful. I don't know what to do about them. That or my car. It sucks... but oh well, that's life. I'm not lucky enough to get everything handed to me on a golden platter, like others I know. I've never been that fortunate, nor will I ever be. Which can be a good thing, because it makes me appreciate things more, and not take everything for granted.

Imagine being 16 years old, and your mom pouring you coffee, and making you toast for breakfast, and serving it to you. Imagine being 21 and having your own place with your boyfriend, and having your parents pay some bills, help fix your house, and also pay for the car you are driving, and the insurance. Imagine that. My parents haven't really done shit for me, and never will. Nor would I ever even ask them for anything.

Romanian Website

Overall things are going good. C.'s modem took a crap, so he won't be online in the next few days. Hopefully he will get some rest, that he really needs and deserves.

Well in my search to learn more about Romania.. I ran across this website. ..
I found her story.. most intrigueing and have been reading it for the last hour or so. (Many interruptions) I wanted to email her, but all I get is a error code. I found many of the recipes interesting, and wonder if C. uses any of them at his home. I therefore pretty much printed out all the soup recipes. Wish me luck.. lol :)

I feel so lucky to be alive, and know that life has good things in store for me. I just mailed out the invitation for C. and we are hoping to get an appointment soon. We just have an unanswered question.. and trying to get ahold of the Ambassy.. or something. Wish us luck, I'm getting excited that we will marry in June if all goes well.

Anger

It's ANGER,
It's HATE,
Its LOVE,
I can't take.

It makes me crazy,
It makes me sad,
It makes me emotional,
It makes me mad.

I can't take it,
I shouldn't say,
I wish the sky
would turn,
from blue to grey.

Then it would feel,
as I do,
Then I could see,
my anger too.

FUCK IT

I am soooo FUCKING angry right now.. I want to scream, cry, or break something. I waited two and half hours for Calin today. Something that seems to become a new habit of his. And where was he? At the pub, watching a game. Where does that put me as a priority in his life 0, where do I put him, prolly number 3, after taking care of Darian and myself. This pisses me off to no end. I'm even more pissed, because I get back online, to see if he's come home and ... it shows he's offline, but he's really there, invisible.. and I wonder, what does he hide from? Me? Another woman? who? Then he says only a few words, and I'm so angry I put myself on invisible.. cuz I don't know what to say. And he leaves. I really want to talk to him about all this, but because I'm angry I don't think I can. But I tried to call him anyway.. and no answer.

I'm beginning to wonder about all this. I don't know if its cuz he's so far away, of because of past boyfriends or what. But I'm beginning to think this is all bullshit. Him, me.. anything. Maybe he is using me to get a visa and live in America.. but then why would he suggest moving to another country ?? I don't know, but I didn't like that discussion either, about moving somewhere else, to start new, somewhere outside the US.

I'm now feeling so sad, I'm tring not to cry. I don't know what to do, to say to him. I don't know what to feel. I feel so FUCKING alone. I need someone right now. I think I'll go to a chat room and see what I can find.

WISH ME LUCK

I'm BACK.....

Here I am. Safe and sound. I signed myself into the hospital shortly after I wrote the last post. I was there until Thursday afternoon. Attended partial on Friday, and made it thru the weekend.

I feel more secure with myself now. Although, I am beginning to doubt my relationship. I feel I rely on it too much for my own happiness. I want to find my true happiness, without having to be in a relationship. I do love C. so much. I truely do, he is so wonderful. Just I feel that lately... he hasn't much time for me... and it hurts. I don't want to feel that kind of pain, just because he is leading a normal life over in Romania. I lead my life... and do many things here. Of course... I will hold out, and wait, and see what trying to be patient brings me. He is a wonderful man and I am grateful to share this time with him

I attended evening church with my brother tonite. I was wonderful. The pastor and their family was so loving and nice to be around. It was a different type of church than I'm used to, but would love to attend again.

I am grateful also to be alive today, and have shared my life with so many people.... I am so happy to be alive. My spirit has been awoken :)

The Day

I don't know what to really type here. I'm on the edge. I want to die, but I don't. I can't deal with my life. I feel the only way out of this pain is death. How do normal people deal with this? I want to go into the hospital. I have to, I don't know if anyone will listen though. I have noone to take care of Darian. I don't know what to do. I wish I had someone to hold me and love me. I need that right now, more than anything in the world. Why does living have to be so hard. Why are there no rewards? I NEED HELP. I pray.. please help me.

Living

I don't know how to deal with my gram. I wish I did. She is so intolerable. She purposely picks fights, I think that is how she feels loved. I told her tonite... if she wanted me to leave all she had to do was say so. She drives me up a wall. BItching for an hour on what to have for dinner. I didn't want any dinner, I am not hungry, nor feeling good. BItching because I swore in front of my daughter. That is my business, not hers. I hate being here. I know Darian feels the stress, but I still don't know what to do or say. I don't belong here, I know that.
I am just soo tired, this is the second day of tiredness.. (well half the day yesterday) earlier in the day yesterday, I worked my butt off, and Gram of course didnt appreciate it. Also today is the third day for my headache. I wish they would go away.
I guess that is life.
Today, in group, they asked me all kinds of questions about my relationship with C. I answered them all. I realistically believe C. and I are meant to be together, and that we can have a healthy relationship.

Feelings

Again, the moodiness..going from feeling ok.. to miserable.. but.. I'm trying to cope a little better. Talked to my mom and stepdad today, and hopefully they are going to do the paperwork I need done.. for C. to come up. I am hoping..they acted like they would fill it out. Crossing my fingers. I feel that C. and I will be great together, and I want to share my life with him. I've missed him today. We missed each other online. I had an errand to do, and then I forgot to do something and I had to go back to Bradford. I was so mad. I got that game returned though. Thank goodness.

I get to go on a field trip with Darian to a farm. Hope I am feeling better tommorrow. I had one of my headaches today. Darian will be sleepy, she was up late tonite. I feel bad.. cuz she is cranky and sleepy. I feel it has something to do with the tensions of living here. I wish I could do something.

Well I am off for the nite, trying to get my email to work.

Life AND Death

I hate going from feeling ok.. to feeling miserable, because of the way I take peoples words and attitudes. My gramma is always dogging me. SHe blamed me for my aunt not calling, cuz my aunt is talking to me online. Her throat hurts. My gram just ignores me. What do I do. I have been trying to do what i've learned of my coping skills. It doesn't help. I have tears in my eyes.. and my heart hurts. Hurts from the pain. I can't stand it. My thoughts then go to dying, to cutting. I know I can control that. .. but they thoughts, they border obsessive... they won't go away when I feel like this.

I need to be held, I need to feel loved. I don't feel loved here. I hate that my grandmother acts this way. I know I can't change her.. but I don't know why I should sit here and take this. I have nowhere else to go though. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

Today

Not sure what to say about today. I tried to sooth my anger that I felt towards my grandmother. I feel it more and more. I do not like the anger I feel. I wish I could do something, something to make it easier here.

Things with C. and I are going good. I've missed him this weekend, we didn't really talk much this weekend. I can't wait for him to be here though. I just wish I could do the paperwork myself, instead of having to ask someone else to do it for me. IT SUCKS.

Tommorrow I will be going to Darian's school. That will be fun.

The love I cherish,
The love I see,
It is right there..
waiting for me..

Waiting for me,
To be free,
Of this pain,
I hold inside me.

The pain I hold,
wants to leave,
I feel it inside,
I want to believe

I want to believe,
That the pain is gone,
I can't feel it now,
but it will be back before long.

I AM GOING TO GO TO HELL- THE 7TH LEVEL

I took this test.. I found it funny, and well i'm prolly going to the 7th level of hell, because I answered that I do not believe in God. That is prolly a big one.
Check it out!!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Personality Test

Why do my mom and I have the same internet.. only mine at its best is.. like 21kbps and hers is 49.2 kbps. You be darn I am going to call and find out. Well anyway...
the real reason I posted is cuz I took a personality test.. and here are the results :

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Wedding Bells in the Air....

I'm in one of those moods, the ones i'm not used to. I'm not completely in a good mood, but not in a bad one either. Am I the only one that is not used to these days?? I hope not. Well I do know that I am not alone.

C. and I set a date.. June 14th, 2004. It's still unofficial yet.. ya know, still have to get a pastor, and rent the firehall and use the church.. and stuff like that, but hopefull all will work out well. I won't have the money to do these things till after the first of the year anyway. It is still and exciting process.

I cried my eyes out tonite talking with my aunt. I think I needed that release. It is kind of cool, she is planning on getting married soon also. Next year around the same time. We are trying to coordinate so we arent competeing.. and so we dont have such similiar weddings. I don't think that we will. Since she has had a wedding before.. she knows more about planning. I know I helped her make a million flowers for her wedding.. lol

Well all seems ok.. in my neverland. I'm doing ok. I'm working towards that goal of being happier every day. I know one day, I won't doubt happiness, and that makes my life worth living.

My beloved C.

I mean to write C. a letter, but I hope that he will just read this here. I'm pretty sure he reads it every once in a while. As much as I need him, I fear the loss of my own independence. It is something I need. I fear that because he is coming here, He will seriously want to be with me 24/7 and I'm not sure how tolerate I will be of that. Sure at first that is what I want to, I want to spend time getting to know him more, and showing him how much I love him, but after a while, I will become cranky and irratable and depressed. I need time to myself, as well as with my friends and family. I also worry excessively of our finances once he is here. I worry of that all the time, but I wonder how we will get by. I just so much, want to share my life with him, sometimes I am afraid to step up and say what is really on my mind. I've had too many years of pretending nothing is wrong, so it is hard for me to speak up. That is why I am glad that I can write, because it helps me get things out.

I fear the life I have,
I fear the life I want,
I fear the things that have happened,
I fear the fear will always haunt.

If fear was money,
I'd be rich,
but rather I am ordinary,
I am such a bitch.

A bitch with a passion,
A bitch with a care,
A bitch who wants to be
anywhere but there.

For there I fear,
The fear,
the fear that keeps me near
Near the ones that haunt my life
and hold the dreaded mirror.

My Best Friend

I spoke with her tonite. My heart cries out with pain. I have done an aweful thing to her, and she doesn't even know it. The two people closest to her, have hurt her the most. I can't stay silent any longer. I am writing her a letter tonite, and will send it out tommorrow. I can't keep in just because I'm in fear of what it will do to me. She needs to know. She deserves to know, she deserves enough respect to know what is going on. I fear it will ruin my daughters relationship with her daughter. If I don't say or do anything, I will feel guilt for the rest of my life. I told her about my website today, I probably shouldn't have, but I didn't think she would be interested. I feel for her. I wish I could make her happy, I love her so much. I just can't live knowing, I've not told her the truth. I will just have to deal with whatever decision she makes to continue or not continue our relationship. It scares me, but at the same token, I know I have to deal with this. It's been too long.

Borderline

This was sent to me in my BPD group online. Not sure where they found it, but it really hit the spot on how I feel most of the time.

I'm a borderline

that no one listens to

a borderline

that no one sees.

Every day I deal with problems

that seem normal

to everyone but me.




I am unworthwhile as problems go-

I really have it all together,

totally capable in any way.

No one can see me

incapacitated by my own anxiety

immobilized by fear and stress

hidden underneath a sheath

of everyday.




I took some Prozac

to feel better.

A nice band-aid

to cover the spot

of internal bleeding.

It worked.

but I'm still losing jobs

and I am still imploding relationships

like too many seagulls

on alka-seltzer.

But at least I can

better achieve the

glossy, high- quality

fakeness

that feeds everyone's expectations.



They made me president of a club.

They made me captain of the team.

They made me super-counselor at camp.

And editor of the paper.

They believed I could do it.

I failed every one.

And someone else stepped up

cleaned up

the mess I left behind.

Somehow I fooled every one of them

into thinking that I could do it.




After two months, I quit my job at the beach.

After four, I quit the paper.

I lasted two months at the Nile,

and a whole eight weeks at camp.

A single month as a janitor of the second floor.

A whopping seven months at the department store.

And Last but not least, after two months I was
fired from fine
dining.

I've never had a job I've liked- or been able to
keep.

And I was really trying at the last one.




I told Dylan, Scott, Chris, Ben, and Dustin

in whispers so sweet

"I'd love them forever."

"That this time was different."

I'm the most amazing woman.

I'd convince them, each

in his own language.

And when he was finally convinced,

I'd run away, and

abandon him at love's door,

with nothing more than an intense desire

to escape NOW

fueling my getaway.




Me, the borderline.

Living every day

my life meter switch

stuck on "survival."




Through periods of anger

I have several mementos.

Three punched holes

in three different walls.

A scratched, dented car.

Scratched, cut skin.

A piercing.

Many miles of gasoline

used up in silent crying, destination-

"anywhere but here."

Smoking cigarettes, smoking weed. Drinking my
health to the floor.
Impulse purchases- blades, clothes, bags, books,
and twenty different
bottles of shampoo. Screaming obscenities at
people I love, building
a firewall of hate for no reason. Insensible as
it all is, I sit
here, a borderline, this is my everyday.
Regretting my behavior. Dragging my feet through
work each shift
takes every ounce of energy I have

My relationships are a mystery to me- something I
will never
understand. Anger and depression are doors I try
unsuccessfully to
hold closed. I am nothing but a fake- hoping to
somehow achieve
normalness by convincing you that I am.

Yesterday.

Negativity-where does it get you? I dunno-but what if it is really the reality? Seriously-being positive only makes me dream and hope for more and so when I don't get it-all I get is greater dissappointment. I don't want that. But I don't wan this life I have now either. I want to be happy. I want to be normal.-Whatever the hell that is.

I have realized I need to move away now more than ever. The only reason I don't cut here is because I'm in the "good girl" role- that I've always been in. I hate it, I loathe it. It consumes me.

Darian has been cranky lately, Why I ask? I think because of my moods. I think she feels what I feel - just like I empathize with others.

I hate my fantasies of the future. How can they ever come true? They can't because I don't deserve happiness. Do I believe this is true? For the most part. Well I will continue this when I get home, if I make it. (NOTE: I orginally wrote this in my journal at home, and am retyping it, as I will do with other entries from my DAY/NIGHT journal) Well, I am home-Unfortunately my grandma is still awake. All I thought about on the way home is how my life is a sham and how me nor anyone else knows how things will turn out in the future. I also really want to talk to C. Now I'm thinking oh, yeah, I should break it off with him. Before I give him a chance to bring pain in my life. Who knows that he will or won't though.

THere is no God. SO.. I guess I'll never find out. Life & everything in it is a sham, it is not reality.I don't understand how I can be so intelligent and dumb at the same time. I have coping skills and i chose not to use them tonite, so I feel like shit. Least it is a real feeling and I'm not pretending my life is a dream world anymore.I plan on taking the risperadol I found along with my tother meds and see if that helps anyway. Can't hurt. I don't have enough for that sort of thing. My negative thinking again. I

I just dont' get life, and why my family is so fucked up. A. has to have everything her way and it's just easier to give in to her. Hell she's had 18 years of training. 18 years of being in charge. ANd i let her, just as my parents die. What do I do though? I can't make her change.How do I cope with her?

I'm so confused in my life. I don't know how to fix it. I feel broken. I feel lost and hurt. I feel scared. I don't know how to feel any different. I don't know how to feel happy and be realistic at the same time. How? I wish I did. I wish to learn that someday.

I'm so scared that C. and I won't work out. Seriously am I being realistic, I mean I'm in love and engaged to a man I've never met. It's strange, yes. Everyone is negatie about it though. I just really don't see the difference between this and arranged marriages. I mean they don't even meet their husbands/wifes until they are married or shortly before. I am very commited and C and I were friends before we wanted to date. We want some of the same things- a better education, a family, someone to hold, and love and share with. We both share a disbelief in God. For once, I found someone who is like me and just doesn't believe because everyone else does. We like the same music. Both like the internet. of course. :) I just don't know where I should go with this. I mean. Well. If I break up with him, I'm feel like I'm running away, I'm pushing him away. I feel like I haven't given "us" a chance. If I stay, I feel like, I'm not living in a real world. What do I do? Where do I go from here. It's scary, its' unreal.

I wish I could just move- and go somewhere far away. Away from here, away from the mess that I've created of my life. I want to be held. I want to be loved. How do I heal myself without C.? I don't know. But I don't want to be completely dependant either. How do I find the in between, that my personality doesnt want me to? How do you become independantly dependant or how do you find the healthiness in being both?


I do not know, I do not care.
I do not want to go over there.
I do not want to stay here
either.
I do not want to become a believer.
I want to find out
who I am.
I want to find out if my life
is a sham.
I just want the truth to be seen.
I want to see the in between.

Life

The hurt,
The pain,
My life,
The strain.
As I walk
down the path
that my life takes
I look around,
I think,
I feel,
I shake.
My world closes
upon me,
My world sucks me in,
It eats me up,
Just I thought,
I would begin.

Beginning of the End of the Beginning of the End of ...

Not even sure where to start. So much has been going on. I attended a class yesterday about young children’s behaviors, and tried to relax and couldn’t. My sister had me run her to Bradford, and unfortunately the money I was expecting did not come and no one knows why. That upsets me greatly. I did, however, get a check from TN from Walter for child support. I wish it would come regularly, but I don’t ever expect that.

Today I went to partial. I got really emotional. I don’t feel like I’m much in control. I’ve realized I’m not meeting most of my needs. Right now, one of the things that bother me the most is bothering me right now, my grandma. Can’t she see that I am busy and shut up? This is what drives me crazy the most. She always invades my personal space, and doesn’t expect anyone to want privacy. I think she was born on a different planet.

I really need to get out of my grandma’s house, but in the same token I am scared. Scared of how I will be when I am alone. I don’t want anything to happen like before. I felt so scared and alone. I was terrified of being alone. Terrified to go to sleep, terrified of myself. I don’t like that feeling. I will try my hardest not to ever feel that way again.

I am now getting sleepy. Something I hate, I hate feeling sleepy and tired. I feel lazy because I can never get enough done. Why? Because I spend a lot of time online. Online time keeps me sane though. I get to write here, on my blog, talk to the love of my life, and also to a few of my friends and family. It gives me some emotional support, and helps make up for my lack of physical touch.

I read a story today; it’s been going around lately. It was about the US landing on the moon, and trying to prove that they didn’t. I don’t know enough about the moon, to say whether I believe it or not. I really have no opinion. I wonder about other people, and what points they would argue though.

Some of the things I learned in that class the other day were helpful. They helped me realize why my sisters and brothers and I have no respect or value to my mother’s words. It makes me realize it was my mother’s lack of parenting skills, and that my sisters and brothers are not bad kids. Just hurt, mislabeled and neglected. I still find it hard to let go. I have to though, because I will not be around forever, and because they are pretty much grown up. I have to realize, that I can’t make them change, and I can’t really shape them anymore, because they have already been molded. It’s hard though. They are “my kids”.
I have to work on my own parenting skills, and be the best mom to my daughter. So that she can grow up to be a good productive adult.

One thing that the lady said yesterday that I didn’t really agree with was… that she as a parent would want her kids to have a better work ethic, rather than a high IQ and a good personality. I wouldn’t. My grandmother has the highest work ethic I have ever seen, and worked for this company 25 and some odd years. My dad has worked half that time, and he makes more than she does. What kind of bullshit is that? I couldn’t say. I want my children to be intelligent, and not take any bullshit. I do think they should have good work ethic, but I don’t think that should be the highest priority on the list.