Something New

Went out last nite. Had a great time. Went with my new friend M., first to a Greek Restaurant, which was cozy and wonderful. I had veal with mushrooms(yuck) and artichoke hearts(first time for everything again.. but not the best thing in the world) with some pasta.. which tasted great. Also tried grape leaves, which were really really wierd. After that went to the mall, got some Italian ice cream, gelato I think its called, peanut butter... it was great.. yummy (so much for the diet.. hahah) walked around the mall (my feet are killing me.. lol -damn high heels) went to Electronic Boutique, one of my fav places in the mall. Didn't really see any new games out though. Had a good deal on Cruise Ship Tycoon though, 15 dollars I think. I wish I had money to spend on a new game... like I need a new game. Then.. after that, thought we could catch at 9 o'clock movie, so went to I think its called On Cue... its a music place right by the theatre and checked out the music. Went to the theatre only to find out the movie didn't start till 10. So.. we decided to buy our tickets, and he was out of ideas, So I suggested we go hang at Wally World.. lol (Wal-Mart). So we browsed the toys, played with a few, sword faught, and talked about stories of the good ole days.. and I told him stories of my daughter.. and stuff like that. It was fun. Then we went and watched the movie, Big Fish. Good Movie!! Two Thumbs up.. hehehe.. It was both funny and romantic, wasn't expecting the romantic part. Good film for both chics and guys.. lol. Well.. after the movie.. I went to the bathroom.. (of course) and went to wash my hands.. and they had auto faucets.. AUTO my ass.. they wouldn't work. So i came out.. (with soap in my hand.. and was like M. any men in that bathroom. ... he was like no.. I went in the mens.. and it wouldn't work either. I was ticked.. LIke what the hell.. NO running water? So.. I came out and there was the water fountain..and he suggested i rinse there.. and so I did.. so if you ever taste soap.. blame it on someone like me.. lol SO after that I was looking for the manager.. and No.. employers were anywhere.. what luck
blah All is well that ends well.. It was a great nite!!

Sooo.. although last nite I didn't get much sleep because I had to get up very early to take my gram to my Uncle (great) Alvin's funeral, I'm doing alright. In pretty good spirits. Thought about guns, but no suicidal intentions. No cuttings. Was glad to see family I hadn't seen in years. I was lucky. Got pulled over by a police man for not having a inspection sticker, and he realized I had Kansas plates and apoligized for his mistake and let me go. Thank God. Because I don't have insurance on my car, and would of been in big trouble. Somebody was with my today. I have to say in the last 24 hours I have been a very lucky woman. Even though, I did get my car stuck in the deep snow in front of my mothers house.. and had to wait 3-4 hours for my step dad to come home and help me get it out.. and it (of course) only took him.. well like 2 minutes to get it unstuck.. lol (MEN... LOL)

Well anyway.. enough of my adventures.
My spirits are bright, although my mind/heart/spirit/ are a bit confused as to what to do in my future and to what path do I chose. So.. . I know.. to just move forward slowly .. and we will just see what happens. Wish me luck.

BPD and Life

I had a sort of understanding with myself today. How long it will last is beyond me though. I come to the conclusion, that I don't want to die today. I don't like to cut either, but it gives me something I don't already have. The feeling of being alive. The feeling of pain that can be seen.

I still don't know how to figure out how to deal with all this damn pain. But somewhere between this stupid movie we watched at partial by some La Roche lady, and the information, aand just my mind thinking today.. I've figured it out. Also figured out why I don't get anxiety meds, em.. that is because.. most of the good ones are narcotic based..and addictive.. I don't think.. that would be a good thing for me.. heheh..

Well all this thinking made my brain hurt. I still think of the gun, but.. it doesn't feel as as good as a thought. Its hard though, when those thoughts go thru your head, whether you want them to or not. Its hard to even know how that feels unless you go thru it. Like, I couldn't ever imagine what it is like to hear voices, and I crack up everytime the doctor asks me that.. and.. well.. its scary for the people that experience it.

Well.. thats all folks...

Some Music...

Still haven't found the Borderline Song I'm looking for.... pisses me off to no end, but found some others that jumped out at me.

Artist: Joni Mitchell
Album: Turbulent Indigo
Title: Borderline


Everybody looks so ill at ease
So distrustful so displeased
Running down the table
I see a borderline
Like a barbed wire fence
Strung tight, strung tense
Prickling with pretense
A borderline

Why are you smirking at your friend?
Is this to be the night when
All well-wishing ends?
All credibility revoked?
Thin skin, thick jokes!
Can we blame it on the smoke
This borderline?

Every bristling shaft of pride
Church or nation
Team or tribe
Every notion we subscribe to
Is just a borderline
Good or bad, we think we know
As if thinking makes things so!
All convictions grow along a borderline

Smug in your jaded expertise
You scathe the wonder world

And you praise barbarity
In this illusionary place--
This scared hard-edged rat race
All liberty is laced with
Borderlines

Every income, every age
Every fashion-plated rage
Every measure, every gauge
Creates a borderline
Every stone thrown through glass
Every mean-streets-kick ass
Every swan caught on the grass
Will draw a borderline

You snipe so steady
You snub so snide--
So ripe and ready
To diminish and deride!
You're so quick to condescend
My opinionated friend
All you deface, all you defend
Is just a borderline
Just a borderline ...
Another borderline ...
Just a borderline



Artist: Jane
Album: Close up and real
Title: Borderline


She hit the borderline
The day she finally crossed the line and spoke
Without the hope
That had her choked till now

And swiftly to her head came
All the comfort she’d been fed
And she recalled just how she’d bled
And how they’d watched her try

CHORUS:
Don’t take me for a fool
‘Cos I know the world is cruel
Don’t say it’s OK
All the good has gone away

And innocence it was her fire
For she believed that purity
Was all that was required
To live a better way

But there was for us
No place to hide
For that same day
A child died
Two boys were charged and questioned why
But they could not reply

CHORUS

We fall and call and we carry it all
Gathering on the way
We reach and we teach and how we love to preach
As long as our views can stay the same
As long as they stay the same

Not sure what to say..

Not sure what to say.. or think or feel. Feeling really shitty. My blood pressure is up, and it never is. I almost panicked in the doctors office today. They said I had to see The Dr.. instead of Bonnie... I almost cried... Finally got in there, talked with Bonnie.. I did get to see her..I spoke up, and was, I don't feel comfortable speaking with the Dr.(he's a male) and I was going to talk about birth control.

I tried to wear long sleeves, but.. I have nothing clean so well, of course she saw my fresh cuts on my arms from last nite. She asked, I just tried not to cry. I hate my life. So much. All I've wanted to do for days and day is cry and cry.

Got in a big fight with C. last nite. About the fat joke... he told me " break up with me then" and so I did. I haven't cried about it. I just wonder what he thinks and feels. And what happens from here. I feel like it was a sudden thing... I really wasn't going to, although I had thought of it, I just got so upset and pissed off, I didn't know what to do.

Life

What is it? WHy is it so aweful? Why does it hurt? Do all people really pretend they are happy? and if so... Why?

Life is fucked up, and I'm tired of being part of it. I wish it would all end. But.. without the gun, I find it impossible... so.. I'll just continue to cut, to help my stress level, until i'm so disfigured, noone will let me near them. They will lock me up in a room and throw away the key.. and there I will live happily after fucking ever after.

Can't think of anything to write, too tired. I'm off to bed.

How SLUTTY are you?

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How DUMB are you?

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How FAT are you?

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Please humor me..and sign up to be a vampire :)
http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=ZoeDraille

You, my friend are a true individual. You most
likely hate trends and are creative. By seeing
things differently, people either admire you or
think you are a bit strange. I'm guessing you
are a lot like me. Perhaps a Good Charlotte
hater? I hope so. An inspiration to us all,
continue being you! (If you like GC, I'm sorry,
I am just expressing an opinion)


A Deeper Look Inside Yourself (with pics)
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You are Daisy. You're just the opposite of Peach,
you're very down-to-earth and mabie even a
little athletic. You love to have fun. (plz
rate)


What Nintendo Charater are You? (pics)
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You're taffy!! You're a clever and kind person,
but you tend to hold grudges. You are not big
on dishing out forgiveness.


Which kind of candy are you?
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Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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You're Exotic Dancer Barbie. You have some moves,
and will do anything for a few bucks. Take it
off girl, but keep it PG-13 please.


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Finally...

Finally a doctor agreed with me. I may not need medication for my depression. My depression is not.. a chemical imbalance.. its from my upbringing. Well duh, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and that is from the way I was brought up. Not learning to cope, not learning the emotional things I needed to develope. The Dr. didn't give me anythign for my anxiety, but he did start a mood stabilizer, Topomax, also a drug used for seizures. Hope it helps, one side effect of it is weight loss, and how could that be a bad thing.

I realize so much, I need to change my perception of life. I need to realize, although I wish I had a real family, it will never happen. My parents could never live up to my expectations, even if they wanted to. I always wanted to please them as a child. Now, I always wonder why. I've also realized, that as a child, I didn't realize these things that went on in my family were wrong. I feel stupid for that. I could of stopped alot of these things before they happened. But i guess I shouldn't keep saying.. If I would have.... that is the past.. I have to live for my future. I don't know what it is though. I don't know what I want it to be. I'm so confused on a daily basis. I can't make heads nor tails of anything in my life.

I've always wanted so much for my future. Always wanted things to be perfect. I know they can't be, but that doesn't stop me from wanting that.

If I had,
everything I wanted,
would my life be
so haunted?

Would I be scared,
of going somewhere new?
Would I always be crying?
And feeling blue?

I ask myself this question,
Almost every day,
I also ask my God,
and nothing he does say.

Am I all alone,
In this dark and lonely world,
Am I all alone,
Answer this I say,
I do not want to be alone,
I do not want to be alone.

Please save my life,
and my soul,
Please tell me where
I have to go..
So
that
I am
not
alone.

This is SOOOO RIGHT!!

for
in life....


What do you really wish for in life?
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You wish for love. If only it were true to be held
in the arms of one you love and never to be let
go....not ever. This is truly what you wish

Done.. only because the damn server messed up, and my gram is sweeping me to bed.. tata

You are a true nature girl!


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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