Heart

Not sure what to say or where to begin. I've already been feeling really down.. and well. ... This guy I like.. well more than like, whose been part of my life for over 3 years, told me that he didn't think of me as any more than a friend. Hearing those words was hard. Part of my heart hurts. I knew that nothing would ever become of it anyway because of our lives, but hearing him say that. It took him a while too, I asked him 2 days ago, how he felt about me. He told me today. I know part of why he didn't want to tell me. I'm sure he thinks I'm so fragile, and I'd react badly. I'm not going to slit my wrists or anything, but I have tears I'm trying to hold back until I go to bed, so I can be alone with my thoughts. I've been so anxious and depressed lately. I just want to know someone loves me. I think that is my problem. I can't think of any more to say, feeling so hurt.

Me

Fuck.
Its me.
I look in the mirror,
and I see..
This scared little girl,
Thats me.

Who is she?
What does she want to be?
Who is she?
Is she really me?

How can I be sure?
How do I know if i'm real?
I hate this,
but this is the way that I feel.

I'm hurting,
and dying inside,
I'm hurting, and
my feelings I do hide.

I hide them from myself,
I'll hide them from you.
I want to share them,
but not sure how to.

Hot or Not

I have a couple profiles there now.. but here's my newest one. I'm bored tonite, can't you tell.

Borderline Article

I guess one of the easiest ways to pass on some good information is my blog. If anyone has time... I hope they take the time to read this. It's an article about cutting. When i read it, I felt like it could explain cutting a little better than I could. I feel like it is a great article, but, it did trigger me a bit. This is the first time, I've really read anything that was a trigger. Probably because I'm already moody about alot of things going on in my life.. and this just added to it.

I find it so hard that noone can truely understand me. I know so people that actually wish that they could. Its so hard, because I don't even understand me. I feel like I'm really messed up right now. I hate that feeling. I just want to go back to feeling ok again, mentally, emotionally .. .. and physically.

Weekends

Well, from what the test said yesterday. I'm not pregnant. I'll know all the official results in two weeks. Also got the Hep B vaccine, which is a good thing. Stupid me also burnt my foot on the heater yesterday. OUCH.. it hurts.. but.. anyway.. as soon as I got out of the clinic.. and J. got home. . he called me. I can't figure him out. We break up, and now he wants to see me again. I heard some stuff today, from my aunt, about his sister, and his mom.. and well.. its no wonder, his family is about as fucked up as mine.. (if not worse). Just makes me wonder... cuz I can't figure him out. Cuz after the other nite .. when I confronted him.. about even wanting to be in a relationship with me.. I just felt better about the whole thing cuz it was over.

Anyway.. not sure what to think about life right now. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. I started to update my resume, that went well. Have almost all the info I need, but need to really update my references. Trying to decide who to keep on there and who to change, as I haven't even communicated with the people on there for years. Asked my aunt to pick me up an application from Adelphia. She said she would try.. we will see. If not, I'll just have to go over there sometime. Debating, talking to Tops, about my job back. .. debating where I want to move.. what I want to do. Not sure I want to stay around here.. but not sure I want to leave all by myself either. Have to get my whole car situation figured out first. We will see.

Not much else to say for now.

I look into the sky
and what do I see.
I see my life looking
back at me.

Reality, or dreams
come true,
somehow,
they rarely do.

I'm looking down on
my life.
Trying not to think,
about the knife.

Hard to do,
but I can...
I know it..
Its easier than...

I think.

falalallal

I'm a fucked up mess. I'm going crazy. I've been on a high for a few weeks now, and well.. now its dropping. Maybe cuz of lack of going to the gym, or that my pretending is just getting to me. Do I pretend, or did those things.. not bother me. Do i pretend they don't bother me? Who knows. I don't anymore. I have no idea who I am. Or why I am.. or what..

I've been on such a good high.. feeling soo good... and today.. I'm crying.. and want to curl in a ball.. and die. All I can think about is that pregnancy test on Thursday. And what if.. and if I am.. what am I doing to my baby now, not letting the Doctor know I mite be pregnant and I'm on all these meds. I'm such a fuck up. Maybe I'm not, but I feel like it right now. I just want to know.. that I'm not pregnant.. and then be able to move on , and make some choices from there. I don't know if being with J. is even good for me. I feel like no matter what , no relationship will ever satisfy me... because they never care what I want or need. I mean.. all I want is some love and compassion. I want to be listened to. I feel like I give much in return. I am very loving. I would give you the world if I could. I would give you my anything... and all I want to know is that you love me.. and are honest and faithful to me. That is too much to ask.... for some people. Just I don't understand, why these two particular men could give me the attention I wanted before we dated, but then when I start dating them, its like I'm no longer of importance. Is this my ..thing.. or theirs.. I mean.. are they really paying less attention? or do I expect more attention? I'm not sure. I just don't get it. I just want them to follow thru. Call me.. when you say you will call, email when you say you will email. Call me and see how I'm doing... DON'T YOU CARE? I've been so sick lately.. and I feel like noone even.. notices... I hate it.. i wish I'd just stop breathing sometimes. Its scary cuz I feel like with this asthma, that I will just stop breathing.. and noone will notice.. and I can see myself in the coffin.. and.. its so unreal.


I just don't know what to tell myself to feel better. Maybe just to be single again, and not have any expectations.. cuz the expectations I have of myself are too much already, I shouldn't expect anyone else to live up to them. I just wish I didn't want so much.. but then I don't feel like I'm asking for so much. I mean... I'm used to seeing my bf almost everyday.. or talking to him.. and I hardly see mine. Its stupid. I want more time. I want more everything. I will never be happy. I shouldn't say that. CUZ.... I Will be HAPPY one day. I will be..

I cried as I wrote that. Right now.. it feels so off, but I remember feeling yesterday, as if I was happier than I had been in a while, despite all that was going on. I hate being borderline. I forget the feelings I felt. I forgot.. everything. I forget my own happiness even if it was five minutes ago. It makes me sick that I can be so fucked up, but then.. I feel sooo NORMAL ( (i hate that word) sometimes.... I mean.. I could pass for a normal person. .. but.. what is normal?

I dunno.. I just want to curl up.. in a ball.. and have someone that loves me.. put their arms around me and tell me it will be alright.. and gentle stroke my hair.. until i fall asleep.. and I feel their lips.. gently touch my forehead.. as they tuck me in bed..

I just want to feel loved, and wanted, and needed.

I need to be needed. It is what makes me happy.

Rampage

Emotions rampage
I feel like I'm in a cage
all alone,
nowhere to roam.

No freedom,
No food,
No fear,
No face....

Nothing to see,
nowhere to be,
But in this cage,
alone.

Anywhere but here,
I'd rather fear,
this cage,
than open space.

BAD BLOGGER

I'm such a bad blogger... least I've been keeping busy.. Great THING!! I did blog last week, but then, got a phone call and had to go offline.. and lost what I wrote. STupid me.. tried hitting post and publish when offline.. and grrr.. it dissappeared..
so.. I guess... I have alot of updating to do, so.. years down the road when I read this, I can remember..what the hell i was going thru at this point in my life.

So... M. and I dated.. for a little while later, things just started getting, where I wasn't happy, partly cuz I knew there was no real future involved for us ( I know, too much too soon) but when I get with someone, I want to know that potential is there, marriage, kids.. and with M. I knew it would never be. He's a great guy, but we parted on good terms, and are still friends and all that good stuff. He's still my sweetie. :) He's been there for me still even after we broke up. It hurt more than I thought it would, but I'm pretty much ok with it. Partly because while M. and I were seeing each other, his friend started paying attention to me.. and well things sort of happened that shouldn't have. M. considers that we were in an open relationship.. so it didn't bother him.. on my end, but I still think of my reasoning.. behind it.. and can't really justify it. But.. so J, the friend.. and I started spending time together... though he had a gf that lived out of town (in Ohio).. and.. then M. and I broke up, and agreed to be friends.. and J's gf broke up with him.. and now J and I are dating. That has only been a few days, though. Since Saturday.

Though since Saturday, I feel he's not been too good of a bf, but.. time will always tell. Shit happens right. I've been really busy, so I haven't dwelled on it, like I did with M. I made M. .. or tried to make him the center of my life, and that is the last thing he wanted in the world. Communication.. well.. is one of my troubles..and I have a hard time.. really opening up to J. I am just annoyed.. right now..cuz i wanted to talk to him.. on Sat morning.. and asked him to not go to bed.. and he just went to bed.. without.. talking to me first.. Then.. last nite.. I was in Bradford late. . so I thought I'd stop and see him.. and couldnt get ahold of him.. and he never called me like he said he would.. blah men. Oh well. I've been busy, with the gym.. and doctors.

DOCTORS... Dare and I have been sick. She had pneonemia, she's fully recovered, and just went to the Dr last nite, and has a slight head cold. You wouldn't know the girl was in the hospital, she even gained 2lbs !! She's such a riot. Me, on the other hand, I've been to the ER twice, and the DR.. once..and going again here in a few minutes.. they say... "bronchiiis, no.. ur asthma. " I'm on steriods, that kill my stomache.. and inhalers.. and.. my allergie meds.. and a decongestant.. and etc.. I HATE IT.

SPeaking of meds. I ran out of LExapro a few weeks.. or a month ago or something, havent noticed anything from that. Well, ran out of the Topamax yesterday, so we will see if it did anything for my mood. I'd rather not be on it. I will try to go to partial on Thursday, depends on what Sally is doing. (my aunt is coming up TODAY.. YEAH!!!.. i miss her) and let them know about the meds and stuff. I haven't been to therapy.

Overall, I think I'm doing ok. I had my middle of the month episode. I think you should just put in me in a straight jacket from around the 13th of the month to the 19th or so. I've noticed a pattern in my SI (self injure, and suicidal) tendicies. I've not been sleeping much. I went to bed after midnite last nite.. and was up at 7:30 this morning. I feel good to go. This could be because of many things. My going to the gym and losing weight, being sick, I blame mania... (who knows--never been diagnosed bipolar..but .... ) or.. i've even though.. of .. what is that SADD.. the seasonal disorder..where because of the lighting and the sun. I notice now, when i wake up in the AM, because the sun is up, I smile, because it feels good, to see the sun, rather than the dark when getting up. The weather, though a little dreary, is getting soooo much better. Its very nice to see.

Well hoping to find more time for my blog. It is one of the best therapies.. for both myself and for my friends to help me thru the tough times. If I keep things bottled up inside.. that is when I explode. I don't want to explode anymore. I just want to be happy, and to live my life, the way it needs to be lived. I want to do something with it. Wish me luck.

NAS I CAN

[Kids-x2]I know I can (I know I can)Be what I wanna be (be what I wanna be)If I work hard at it (If I work hard it)I'll be where I wanna be (I'll be where I wanna be)[Nas]Be, B-Boys and girls, listen upYou can be anything in the world, in God we trustAn architect, doctor, maybe an actressBut nothing comes easy it takes much practiceLike, I met a woman who's becoming a starShe was very beautiful, leaving people in aweSinging songs, Lina Horn, but the younger versionHung with the wrong personGotta astrung when I heard whenCocaine, sniffing up drugs, all in her noseCoulda died, so young, now looks ugly and oldNo fun cause now when she reaches for hugs people hold they breathCause she smells of corrosion and deathWatch the company you keep and the crowd you bringCause they came to do drugs and you came to singSo if you gonna be the best, I'ma tell you howPut your hand in the air and take the vow[Chorus - 2x (Nas and Kids)]I know I can (I know I can)Be what I wanna be (be what I wanna be)If I work hard at it (If I work hard it)I'll be where I wanna be (I'll be where I wanna be)[Nas]Be, B-Boys and girls, listen againThis is for grown looking girls who's only tenThe ones who watch videos and do what they seeAs cute as can be, up in the club with fake IDCareful, 'fore you meet a man with HIVYou can host the TV like Oprah WinfreyWhatever you decide, be careful, some men beRapists, so act your age, don't pretend to beOlder than you are, give yourself time to growYou thinking he can give you wealth, but soYoung boys, you can use a lot of help, you knowYou thinkin life's all about smokin weed and iceYou don't wanna be my age and can't read and writeBegging different women for a place to sleep at nightSmart boys turn to men and do whatever they wishIf you believe you can achieve, then say it like this[Chorus]Be, be, 'fore we came to this countryWe were kings and queens, never porch monkeysIt was empires in Africa called KushTimbuktu, where every race came to get booksTo learn from black teachers who taught Greeks and RomansAsian Arabs and gave them gold whenGold was converted to money it all changedMoney then became empowerment for EuropeansThe Persian military invadedThey heard about the gold, the teachings and everything sacredAfrica was almost robbed nakedSlavery was money, so they began making slave shipsEgypt was the place that Alexander the Great wentHe was a'shocked at the mountains with black facesShot up they nose to impose what basicallyStill goes on today, you see?If the truth is told, the youth can growThey learn to survive until they gain controlNobody says you have to be gangstas, hoesRead more learn more, change the globeGhetto children, do your thingHold your head up, little man, you're a kingYoung Princess when you get your wedding ringYour man is saying "She's my queen"[Chorus x2]Save the music y'all, save the music y'allSave the music y'all, save the music y'allSave the music

The Panic Attack Dream

I don't want to retype it, so I'm just going to cut and paste what I wrote to my group earlier. I'm really disturbed by this... and if anyone has any ideas on how to help me with this.. please do. :)

Hello all,

HOpe everyone is safe, and know that I am too. I'm so upset today. I want to say I'm doing better than I have been. I found myself even giving myself a positive pep talk today, even without trying. I couldn't believe it. I'm usually so negative. I had my first Panic attack today, and I'm not even sure it can really be called so. I had it in a dream. I'm still so freaked out about it, and don't know what to do. I have anxiety about using my bf's bathroom now, luckily it happened at his house.. but still, its really hard. In the dream, I go into the bathroom, and I'm standing there in my pajamas, and my head is wrapped in a towel, ( the bathroom is blue), I turn around and latch the bathroom door, that have a little lock thingy. I stand in the middle, (it a large bathroom) as I stand in the middle of the bathroom I realize its not his bathroom,and I my heart starts to beat fast, and I am getting really really hot, I don't know what to do. The towel falls from my head.. and the room starts spinning.. then the towel is on my head.. my heart is beat faster and faster.. i feel paralized.. i can't move.. i can't speak, I'm so hot.. and scared, and I have to go to the bathroom... and this bathroom isn't Mikes.. and the towel falls.. again.. and i try to get it. . but its still on my head.. and I'm so hot.. I want to rip my clothes off.. but I'm afraid someone will see me naked, but i know, this isn't his bathroom and is seems so real, and I have to go to the bathroom, and the room is spinning and I'm so hot.. and I'm trying to scream.. and trying to scream.. and I want out and I just can't move... and I don't know what to do... and then I hear a scream.. and I feel the bed underneath me... and I feel my heart pound.. and I'm awake... And I just lay there... i feel like its had to breath.. and I"m alone in my boyfriends bed, and I know hes in the other room, but I"m so scared, of what is going to happen, and did I really scream, or was it part of the dream.. and I just lay there, and my heart is just pounding.. I've never felt anything so scary in my life.. So i go into the other room.. and my boyfriend looks at me.. and I ask him.. did i scream and he says.. yes.. and I tell him a little bit about it.. and I tell him I'm scared to go to the bathroom.. but.. I go anyway... I'm so scared something is going to happen, but I know that my fear is unrealistic.. but my heart pounds faster as I walk into the bathroom anyway.. and everytime i think of the blue bathroom, just as I am now.. I feel the same fear.. I felt.. After I went back to bed.. I think I cried for about an hour.. trying to tell myself not to be scared. I don't understand. I don't want to dream these things, or feel this things. I don't like things that are beyong my control.. but who does. Does anyone have anything helpful that they do, when they experience things like this... ??

Still not sure what to think

So far everyone I've talked to thinks its ok that I explore my sexuality. I'm glad that's cool with them, but I'd explore it anyway... Since I'm finally open to the idea... or rather I finally found someone else open to the idea. Though the one person, I'm really attracted to, I really can't open the idea up to. It's rather scary. I don't even know how she would react or say or think or.. anything. I wouldn't want anything in our friendship to change, so I think I'd rather not change anything.

But as for the men in my life.. First I want to thank Michel.. ( I LOVE HIM.. heheh) he fixed my blog comments... so comment away folks.. and tell me that I'm fucking crazy!! But.. really, about M. and C. I don't know if my decisions were good ones, but i'm trying to ride them out. I gave up my emotional support for something more physically with a little emotional support. Is that wrong. Whose to say. M. makes me feel good none the same, but he's not commited to me like C. was, and I know I shouldn't compare, but I don't like that. Commitment is important to me, I just don't know how commited he is to me. I know that I am always the more commited one in the relationship and I'm used to that, but I've never been in a relationship like this one. He told me it was ok if I had sex with his best friend, because I found him attractive. I was floored, and well still am. I can't figure him out. I don't think men were ment to be figured out though. Oh well.

I wish I could figure out my emotions, as much as I think I'm scared to settle down and get married, that is what I've always wanted, and well, even if I was with M. for like 25 years, I could never see that happening, before he said a word about his feelings on marriage.. I said to Lisa, he's not the marrying type.. and oh.. was I so right. Was I wrong to trade what I had with C. for what I have for M? But.. was what I had for C... even real? I was emotional connected to him on a high level though, the thing is, when I play my games.. ( I don't purposely try to play them, I do it sometimes without realizing it) he plays them back and we end up fighting. With M. he just lets me. .. and ends up being brutally honest, and well I usually am able to tell him.. what I wanted to tell him in the first place. With C. and I .. its just a pushing struggle, we both have emotional problems.. and don't ever know what to do.

Harder.. than how I was feeling about the breakup between me and C. is how my daughter was taking it. Her and C were close. Though only on webcam and chat, they talked and typed.. and webcam chatted.. she seemed to really adore him. and was glad I was going to marry him. She really wants a brother or sister. And although M. might like her, I don't see them ever having the connection that C and Darian share. It makes me sad, because I feel like I've broke her little heart.

Looking forward to seeing Shannon this weekend. Hope I get some time to hang out with her. :) I never get enough time. Hopefully my car will be fixed soon. Who knows.

Men.. Women.. and other Crossdressing Havoc

Surely.. or not really.

Who knows. All I know, is that I'm an emotional mess. I don't know what I'm doing, or if what I have done is right, or if what I want to do is right. I still think of C. almost every day. I miss our daily chats, (not the fights), and that is something M. just doesn't fulfill. He's not there for me on a daily basis. Rarely on a weekly basis. I am beginning to like the relationship between me and M, better when it was friends, he emailed me daily, and made time for me often. I don't feel like he has the time for me now. Then again, when I think of it, I feel like I always ask too much of the other person when I'm in a relationship, and that bothers me. Why do I always feel like that, why do my needs not matter, why am I so needy. I don't get it. I wish I did. I just don't know where I'm going, and although, I'm enjoying myself, I'm not sure I'm making the best choices in my life. Who knows, only time will tell. I know I do need something more though... I'm in the search for it though.

Realized, I'm out of my one med, not anything I can really do, kind of glad, its the depression med. Still on the moods stabilizer. Good thing. I haven't had as many of my rages lately. Looking forward to going to the gym tommorrow. Finally getting some bills paid, and getting a few things done. I have to quit procrastinating.

One other thing I've been exploring is my sexuality. I have a tendency to believe that I may be a little more than bi-curious. Not sure if this is a surprise to anyone. I'm not sure really what to make of it. I want to experiment, and now I am free to do so, I'm just not sure how this will effect my life. I can't ever see myself in a serious lesbian relationship, mostly because that is not the way you should raise children, but I always wonder how other people view this situation.

Stuff

In my closet in my head...
um.. just too much stuff going on in my head. I am thinking too many thoughts about the relationship between me and M. Too many things about the future, and what allready has happened. Both good and bad. I wonder where this is leading, and know that it is going nowhere, and wonder why I want to just see where it goes. Then I wonder why I say this to myself, and wonder if he will read this, and if he does, what will he say or not say. I wonder how he really feels about me, and whether he likes to spend time with me. I wonder why he's attracted to me, I wonder why he agreed to date me, or why he even wants to date in the first place. I always well, my goal in dating was always to get married, until now, and now, I don't know what to do with myself. Just kind of sit back and watch what happens. Enjoy the relationship, while it lasts. The thing is, he doesn't seem to mind if we have alone time, and I think that bothers me. Don't most guys want to get their girlfriends alone, so they can have their way with them? I just find some of the ways he is strange, and can't quite figure it out. I wonder if I'll ever figure out what it is I really need in a relationship, or if I'll ever find my true love, if that even exists. I feel like M. is more up for a more open relationship, or isn't ready for a commitment, but don't understand, why I felt obligated to dump C. I don't understand why M and I spend more time with his friends than we do alone. I enjoy his friends alot, they are great, but.. I want to spend time with M, while I have the chance to be alone, because soon, we wont have a chance in hell to be alone. Because he lives with his parents and I live with my gram. I guess, maybe.. I feel cheated because, maybe on an importance level, he is more important to me, in my life, than I am in his. I can't say for sure, because I can't read his mind, but that is how I feel. Maybe that goes back to the whole thing, him saying that he is selfish, maybe he was right, and he is.. who knows, its not for me to say or to judge. I just know, that I felt more important in his life, when we were just "friends". If that is saying much. That isn't exactly right either, he's been there for me alot, its just frustrating.. ..

Anyway... dropped another pound, went to the gym today, first time in over a week, felt good, but I'm exhausted, can't wait to go to the gym. Even ate less than 1, 000 calories today, and am stuffed!! whoo hooo. ( THanks LISA) I've had a pretty good day, had too many mood swings though. Wish they would stop swinging. Well, I'm off.

Doing ok

Everything seems to be going ok. Moods are still swinging. I felt really suicidal on Thursday, even went as far as writing a suicide note. The sad thing is, both my mother and grandmother told me to do it. The one thing that stopped me was the fact that my daughter, well my aunt and I don't have the papers drawn up for my aunt to take my daughter. In a month when she comes up, that will be done. I hope that I don't feel suicidal then. I have spent the weekend with M. and his friends, and that has kept me busy, it actually keeps my mind off all the stupid things in my life and is rather enjoyable. They are really fun. It is nice to spent time away, and not have to worry about Darian also. I was moving in with my mother, but she pretty much kicked me out already, so I'm going back with my gram. Its ok, I'll suivive, I just hope she doesn't give me too hard of a time about the whole M. thing, because I still want to spend time with him. I didn't want to spend time in the hospital, nor with my grandma or mom, I would of felt even more suicidal. I feel safe around him. It's nice to feel safe. I feel like I've known his friends forever and can kid and joke with them, just like they have been my friends forever.

I'm looking forward to seeing Shannon next weekend. :) I miss her so much. I have to get her present ready from Christmas time. We will see if I get that done. Will try to post more later, actually in the middle of a game with the boys..

:)

Update... and Parenting

Lots of new things on my end.. too much to post. I went away for the weekend with my "friend" M. and had a blast, we are now dating. I completely broke things off with C. That was hard, but it had to be done. I have to start figuring out what all that I want and need, and start fulfilling those needs. My relationship with C. wasn't fulfilling that. He helped me thru alot in this past year, and I will always remember that.

The big thing that is on my mind though, is parenting, how some people chose and some don't. Well I didn't. I did choose to keep my daughter however, and the first few years, were hard, but I loved her so much, and now.. I just don't feel that I'm good for her anymore and I don't know what to do. I am really getting tired of people telling me that I'm a good mother, and what would she do without me. I'm not saying I don't want to be part of her life, I'm just saying, I'm not doing good, being her soul support. I'm always crabby with her, for the last year, I loose my patience so easily with her, and I just see our relationship getting worse and worse. I mean, well for example... Probably in the last year.. I can count on my hands the number of times that I have bathed her by myself, that is just one of those things that I either forget, or just don't take the time to do, or something.. I really don't know what it is. I gave her a bath last week, but before that.. I really haven't . I only gave her a bath then, because she had peed all over. My gram usually gives her a bath here, before that, I always asked Wil to make sure she got a bath. Sure... I always make sure she's dressed, and gets to school.. and stuff like that, but is it enough? I don't think so. I feel like I will never get where I need to be, I will never be able to provide for her like I need to if I can't get away from her. I hate saying this, but in reality, I really in a way.. want to get rid of her. Not in the sense some people think. My aunt would take care of her for me, I know this, and it would be ideal. But would it be fair. WOuld it be fair for anyone involved. Would it make things better? or worse? I dunno, I'm so confused.. and noone seems to listen to me when I say I can't handle parenting anymore.. They just don't get it. I feel like noone understands. Maybe because I don't understand. I don't understand, how... I can go from never wanting to be away from my baby, to hardly being able to stand being around her. And its not because she's a bad.. girl.. She is .. and always has been a good girl.. she's so perfect.. so loving.. so beautiful. I just don't want to mess her up, and I see it happening already. I hate myself for it. I just want to make her life better. And I can't do that the way I am now. I just can't.

Men

I had a nice long talk with C. today. Wasn't supposed to have that tommorrow. He wants me to come to Romania. I'm scared. I can't say that I'm not. I'm frightened, but not for any real reason, just for the anxieties in my head. I told him more details about me and M. He said no matter what he'd always be there. I'd like to believe that, but I'm scared. As much as I like M. I feel he is not the one for me. It feels so good to have his attention, and to feel his warmth, he pays so much attention to me, something I've not had in a long time. I don't want to be alone right now. Right before I started talking to M. I was planning my death again. I didn't really tell this to anyone. Why would I. I really wanted to die. I was going to get a gun. I was getting over my anxieties. I was going to buy the gun when I got my tax money back. I realized, not because of M. or because of C. but because of some other events that happened.... that I do want to live, but I have a lot of things to figure out. But without people like M. and my other friend R. to talk to me, and flirt with me, and soothe me.. I don't think I would of lasted long... I was going down hill, really fast. Really really fast.

Now, I'm losing weight.. I smile and laugh more. I'm trying to enjoy working out, and I'm trying to make plans for the future. I'm hoping things will change for the better, I just have to try and be more optimistic.

But then, I still have problems, what to do with M., what to do with C... or do I just sit back, and see what happens. Let fate take its toll. I dunno, have to talk to M. I wrote him a long email tonite, we will see what he says.. .

Other than that... been.. over 36 hours, since I've had caffeine or soda!! Hooray!! and I'm down another pound. I'm beginning to think, maybe some of my anxieties about going to Romania.. has to do with my weight... maybe.. (no. probably) I make such a big deal about it with C. cuz I'm not happy with it.. but.. who knows..

Confusing thoughts

My life I find it more confuseing day by day. I've been enjoying it more though. I've been spending time with a new friend, M., who is very kind and gentle. The thing is... I still love, C., my ex fiance, I still hold him deep in my heart. He's been there thru so much for me. Although none of it physical, that is what I've been needed and craving for many months now. I've found what I've been needing in M. I find this hard, because although I want to satisfy my own needs, I don't want anyone else to be hurt. I've not felt suicidal for almost a week now, it is such a relief. I've not cut for almost two weeks. The cuts are almost all healed.

I do feel such turmoil inside. Do I wait forever, in hopes that C. and I may be together, and what about all this fighting we've been doing. ANd all my issues with him thinking I'm fat. I usually don't have self confidence issues around men. I know that men find me attractive, and I don't usually feel fat around them. I've not had men that tell me they love me.. tell me that I'm fat. I just don't get it. I guess part of it.. is that I'm very high maintenence. I enjoy alot of attention. I'm very emotional. I'm very needy. Is this because I'm borderline or just because I'm Julie.

Who is Julie? I'm starting to figure that out.

Julie??

Julie Ann Lathrop.. Born February 15th 1979, Port Allegany PA...
Is almost 25 years old
Likes-Basketball, Drawing, Sketching, Basketball, Playing Computer Games, Chatting, Porn.. heheh (YES i said Porn.. I do enjoy it.. I admit.. Of both men and women), Dirty Jokes, Clean Jokes, Poetry, Reading, Driving, Dreaming, Talking, Kissing,
Favorite Colors- Purple ( then.. Purple w/ Pink and Blue) and Black
Favorite Food- Pizza w/ lots of Cheese
Favorite Cartoon- Smurfs
Favorite Item- Harley Blanket

I've realized, I do have an identity... though, sometimes I realize I don't. When I'm with people. I tend to like to do the things they are doing. Is there anything wrong with that? Do I give up who I am to do that? I don't think I am. Borderline Personality Disorder says I do. I don't get it. I just find I am an easy going person, that enjoys many things.

Back to the men..thing.. am I being selfish.. or just stupid.. I don't know. I don't know what it is I really want. I thought I did. I do know, I need this thing, whatever it is, between me and Mike, I like it. Its enjoyable. I do know I love C. with all my heart. As for my feelings for M. I don't know him well enough yet. I enjoy his company, and I am very attracted to him. I plan on spending as much time with him as I am able, because I feel this is something I need. For once, I don't feel pressure by a man, to please him.. or anything like that. I get enjoyment out of his company. I feels wonderful.

Something New

Went out last nite. Had a great time. Went with my new friend M., first to a Greek Restaurant, which was cozy and wonderful. I had veal with mushrooms(yuck) and artichoke hearts(first time for everything again.. but not the best thing in the world) with some pasta.. which tasted great. Also tried grape leaves, which were really really wierd. After that went to the mall, got some Italian ice cream, gelato I think its called, peanut butter... it was great.. yummy (so much for the diet.. hahah) walked around the mall (my feet are killing me.. lol -damn high heels) went to Electronic Boutique, one of my fav places in the mall. Didn't really see any new games out though. Had a good deal on Cruise Ship Tycoon though, 15 dollars I think. I wish I had money to spend on a new game... like I need a new game. Then.. after that, thought we could catch at 9 o'clock movie, so went to I think its called On Cue... its a music place right by the theatre and checked out the music. Went to the theatre only to find out the movie didn't start till 10. So.. we decided to buy our tickets, and he was out of ideas, So I suggested we go hang at Wally World.. lol (Wal-Mart). So we browsed the toys, played with a few, sword faught, and talked about stories of the good ole days.. and I told him stories of my daughter.. and stuff like that. It was fun. Then we went and watched the movie, Big Fish. Good Movie!! Two Thumbs up.. hehehe.. It was both funny and romantic, wasn't expecting the romantic part. Good film for both chics and guys.. lol. Well.. after the movie.. I went to the bathroom.. (of course) and went to wash my hands.. and they had auto faucets.. AUTO my ass.. they wouldn't work. So i came out.. (with soap in my hand.. and was like M. any men in that bathroom. ... he was like no.. I went in the mens.. and it wouldn't work either. I was ticked.. LIke what the hell.. NO running water? So.. I came out and there was the water fountain..and he suggested i rinse there.. and so I did.. so if you ever taste soap.. blame it on someone like me.. lol SO after that I was looking for the manager.. and No.. employers were anywhere.. what luck
blah All is well that ends well.. It was a great nite!!

Sooo.. although last nite I didn't get much sleep because I had to get up very early to take my gram to my Uncle (great) Alvin's funeral, I'm doing alright. In pretty good spirits. Thought about guns, but no suicidal intentions. No cuttings. Was glad to see family I hadn't seen in years. I was lucky. Got pulled over by a police man for not having a inspection sticker, and he realized I had Kansas plates and apoligized for his mistake and let me go. Thank God. Because I don't have insurance on my car, and would of been in big trouble. Somebody was with my today. I have to say in the last 24 hours I have been a very lucky woman. Even though, I did get my car stuck in the deep snow in front of my mothers house.. and had to wait 3-4 hours for my step dad to come home and help me get it out.. and it (of course) only took him.. well like 2 minutes to get it unstuck.. lol (MEN... LOL)

Well anyway.. enough of my adventures.
My spirits are bright, although my mind/heart/spirit/ are a bit confused as to what to do in my future and to what path do I chose. So.. . I know.. to just move forward slowly .. and we will just see what happens. Wish me luck.

BPD and Life

I had a sort of understanding with myself today. How long it will last is beyond me though. I come to the conclusion, that I don't want to die today. I don't like to cut either, but it gives me something I don't already have. The feeling of being alive. The feeling of pain that can be seen.

I still don't know how to figure out how to deal with all this damn pain. But somewhere between this stupid movie we watched at partial by some La Roche lady, and the information, aand just my mind thinking today.. I've figured it out. Also figured out why I don't get anxiety meds, em.. that is because.. most of the good ones are narcotic based..and addictive.. I don't think.. that would be a good thing for me.. heheh..

Well all this thinking made my brain hurt. I still think of the gun, but.. it doesn't feel as as good as a thought. Its hard though, when those thoughts go thru your head, whether you want them to or not. Its hard to even know how that feels unless you go thru it. Like, I couldn't ever imagine what it is like to hear voices, and I crack up everytime the doctor asks me that.. and.. well.. its scary for the people that experience it.

Well.. thats all folks...

Some Music...

Still haven't found the Borderline Song I'm looking for.... pisses me off to no end, but found some others that jumped out at me.

Artist: Joni Mitchell
Album: Turbulent Indigo
Title: Borderline


Everybody looks so ill at ease
So distrustful so displeased
Running down the table
I see a borderline
Like a barbed wire fence
Strung tight, strung tense
Prickling with pretense
A borderline

Why are you smirking at your friend?
Is this to be the night when
All well-wishing ends?
All credibility revoked?
Thin skin, thick jokes!
Can we blame it on the smoke
This borderline?

Every bristling shaft of pride
Church or nation
Team or tribe
Every notion we subscribe to
Is just a borderline
Good or bad, we think we know
As if thinking makes things so!
All convictions grow along a borderline

Smug in your jaded expertise
You scathe the wonder world

And you praise barbarity
In this illusionary place--
This scared hard-edged rat race
All liberty is laced with
Borderlines

Every income, every age
Every fashion-plated rage
Every measure, every gauge
Creates a borderline
Every stone thrown through glass
Every mean-streets-kick ass
Every swan caught on the grass
Will draw a borderline

You snipe so steady
You snub so snide--
So ripe and ready
To diminish and deride!
You're so quick to condescend
My opinionated friend
All you deface, all you defend
Is just a borderline
Just a borderline ...
Another borderline ...
Just a borderline



Artist: Jane
Album: Close up and real
Title: Borderline


She hit the borderline
The day she finally crossed the line and spoke
Without the hope
That had her choked till now

And swiftly to her head came
All the comfort she’d been fed
And she recalled just how she’d bled
And how they’d watched her try

CHORUS:
Don’t take me for a fool
‘Cos I know the world is cruel
Don’t say it’s OK
All the good has gone away

And innocence it was her fire
For she believed that purity
Was all that was required
To live a better way

But there was for us
No place to hide
For that same day
A child died
Two boys were charged and questioned why
But they could not reply

CHORUS

We fall and call and we carry it all
Gathering on the way
We reach and we teach and how we love to preach
As long as our views can stay the same
As long as they stay the same