A point I forgot to make...

Was hanging out with David tonite... and .. we talked about my relationship problems...

He suggested, and I agree. I need a bf that is commited to me, but still open. Hence, some sort of agreement, about our relationship. Something like.. this...

If he's not around to pleasure me, he can't blame me for going somewhere else.. IE: phone sex with my guy friends and/or strangers.... (WHOEVER). If have phone sex, I'm pleased... it doesn't mean I love him less, it just means I sometimes need some help with my orgasm. but...

if he would just call, and help me himself, he wouldn't have to worry about it.

Someone asked me.. or told me rather, I shouldn't talk to other guys online at all, and if i was his girl (this other guy) he wouldn't like it. I told him my bf didn't, but that he said that he understood, because we have to have a life or such outside of each other. (though he thinks I talk to too many guys). Then.. this other guy .. was like.. "well I'm looking for the one..." I replied... " so am I." The guy was a bit confused as to why I would say that, but it is because I don't think John is the one. Not even close. I enjoy him, I love him, and he's great in bed, but neither of us is good at relationships, and he has no idea what he wants-- which is quite obvious... since he can't even bother to call. U'd think-- that he'd want to spend time with me while he can, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Normally, especially if this was T. I'd worry that he was ok, but with John.. I'm sure he's ok, I just feel like he's cheating on me. One reason why it won't work out, cuz I'll always feel like he did or will or wants to.

I hate that the men I have dated, don't have names in their life. Meaning... they say... if at all (Usually have to pull teeth to get them to tell me about their day)-- they don't say names. Just.. "oh- when to hang with my buddies." & "going to see my friend" .. well fuck you, I know you don't ask, but I always tell u who.. and usually almost always the name of the person I'm hanging out with. Is it so hard to give ur friends names??? I mean REALLY???

Stupidity

I can be so stupid sometimes.
I don't know why I even try to date at this point. I'm not sure monogamy is even what I want. I sure the hell don't want a man, that never pays any attention to me. Yes... I do want my own way. I don't want to settle for anything less than the man worshipping me. WHY? because I do what he wants, which includes almost anything, to please him... the least a guy who wants to be my bf can do, is call and tuck me on at night,(when he can), and call when he says he's going to. Why do men have such issues with that?

Why do I think of my man cheating every time I don't hear from him? HELLO???? because he did the exact same thing to his ex. Should I believe he's not cheating? NO. I have no reason to. After I tell him, some things, it will all be over anyway.

I wish I could learn to communicate more. To really say what I mean. To figure out what I want. Its all about getting my own way again. I want a relationship on my terms, and I'm not sure how to deal with it otherwise. I want a certain amount of attention. A certain amount of phone calls. I want what I want. This is one of those things, I won't settle for less though.

Went to therapy Saturday, came to alot of realizations, about myself, and trying to learn to change those things, that aren't so healthy. I realized that, A. most the time I create my own chaos..... B. Most the reasons I get so upset, is because I haven't gotten my own way... and C. I love attention... I love to be loved, I love to be needed... I need to be needed. All this time, I hear from people, I need to love myself.. ect... but I do love myself, so I've been confused. Its not what it is though.. its my obsessiveness to be needed. If my guy doesn't call me, I feel like he doesn't need me, then I feel worthless, and undesireable. When I'm not in a relationship, I'm not like that, I'm less "needy" per say. Neediness has two sides though, and its a bit confusing as to the way I always thought I was. I always thought that.... I was needy, because I needed something, but its not true.... I need them to need me. My therapist says its not healthy, I agree-- but mostly because I remember rarely feeling depressed the first few years of my daughters life. I remember how happy I was to take care of her. Hence...

How I am now. I crave people that need my help. I enjoy helping others. I feel the need to be needed. I want to be needed. Without being needed... what do you have though? It makes me feel worthless. But so do alot of things lately. Like the fact I'm not doing anything with my life. So, will be making plans soon to take some classes, despite the fact I'll be going into more debt to do it. Blah...

Blah.. Money rules the world. Can someone please... PLEASE win the lottery... (duh, someone I know that would share-- I'm not greedy... if I won, and you are my friend now... um.. I would spoil u rotten)

Parking My Protege

I pull up beside the van, its the same van I usually park my Chrysler near... Only this time I don't have the Chrysler. I pull up next to it, put my hand on the gear shift, and slide the stick forward, not even having to look, and its my first day of driving her. She slides easily, and I turn the wheel, she slides right into the hole, a hole I would of thought normally too small, was actually quite big. I gather my things, smile, hit my door lock, and check her out. She's beautiful, gleaming white. I tell her goodnite, and that I'll see her tommorrow. I talk to her like she's my baby. She is. She's wonderful. She was made for me.

I feel like I'm in heaven. I have a new car. She's beautiful, new and almost perfect. She can handle my lead foot. I feel such comfort behind her wheel. I'm learning all her buttons, and stuff, but the driving is like I've been doing forever.

I'm in love...

Kinky

Ohh..
I figured it out...
No man.. (well almost no man) could be kinky enough for me.

The man I'm going to marry...
will worship me... and love to... do this ...

He will cum in my pussy.. then pull out, let me lick off his cock.. then go down on me.. until I cum.... for like the twentieth time.... licking his and my juices up, then.... he will slip his cock back in, and kiss me, deeply and passionately, letting me taste our love juices.

Why do most men have a problem with the taste of their own cum? I love the taste of my pussy... so whats the deal there?

Sex

Got lots of it last nite, and it was good...
My pussy and my ass are soooo sore...

It was the ultimate porn show.... I was hot, wild, and felt crazy. I fucked till it hurt, and then some.

I needed that, but now I'm on a low. He's gone, and I'm here to deal with my own emotions. I haven't been taking the medicine. Not sure if that is good or bad. Its debatable. I'm tearful today, but I think because I'm missing T. I'm missing what I thought my life would be becoming. I miss what I thought my future would be like.

I cry because of my thoughts about this guy. Sure I love and care for him, we've been friends for almost a year, but he cheated on me with his virgin gf... then I found out last nite, after he fucked me... he devirginized her... then told her he wasn't divorced yet. That makes me think of him as an asshole. I mean, I knew about his divorce, but how could he do that to her? Really. None of my business really, but I guess part of what bothers me, is the fact that he didn't care that I fucked 3 different guys in the last few weeks. It should. It even bothered T., and he loves me, he loves my pussy, but its understandable to be worried about disease. I am going to go get tested. I have a Dr. appt on Monday.

Finally got my period also. It sucks, but its about fucking time.

I need a life. I need to figure out what I really want and/or need. I'm tired of feeling like this, tired of my emotions, my heart playing games with me. I want love. I want to feel loved and cherished. I want to be worshipped.

Life

Life is weird. Know what I mean?
A few days ago I was single,and now I'm dating someone I've already loved and known for almost a year. We were really close friends, and today I finally said yes. He lives closer, and we both just want/ need someone to be there for us.

Weird. Really frustrated here at work... Hate stupid shit...
Can't wait to get out of here and get home. I'm off work tommorrow.

More Thoughts...

Of T.... of course.
I know I'm ok with how things are, but I still wonder, why he acts the way he does about things. For instance, he said, he'd like to come see me, but he doesn't think I could behave. ME? Not sure it would just be me, but we haven't seen each other for months. Things aren't the same. I'm not the same person. I'm not sure its all good either. I feel like I'm back to square one. I love him, but I know in my heart, things happened the way they did for a reason. I told him, that he's always welcome at my house, always welcome to come see me, but I refuse to make any plans with him at all. He seemed ok with that, and seemed to understand. I can't allow myself to be hurt. If we make plans, I'll get hurt again. I would love to hang out sometime with him, love to see his band play, but then it gets tricky. I know my hearts still aches because I'm lonely. I picture this.

He comes over, we hug, and hold each other for many moments... sit on the couch, and I lay my head on his shoulder and he wraps his arms around me... rubbing his hands... on my back. I nuzzle my head into his neck, and runs my hands over his head, and down his neck. I feel him hug me close, and we look into each others eyes.... and we kiss..

and it all feels the same again. Just like it did before. Like a dream world. An Unreality. Not what I'm looking for. I want something real. I want someone real. At this point, I still just want someone to hold me. Someone to love me. To love me for me, and to accept me.. as I am now. COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. If you can accept me as I am now, supposedly, they say things will get better.

I do try. I don't know who I'm trying to convince. I guess I could try harder. But all I want to do is go back to school. I feel hopeless because I can't. I feel stupid for the choices I've made recently. I feel like noone can understand me, or why I do the things I do. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel sick. I hate how things are, and I'm not sure how to change them. I need help, and the professional help I'm getting isn't enough. I need more.

I need more.
I always do...
and I always will..

and thats why I will be alone... forever. .....

More...

Will be writing more about all these thoughts I had last nite... but the one thing, and I think it was good, is that T., didn't say I love you back. I think when he says it back, it leads me on, thinking he wants more. And I don't think he does. I say I love you, because I do, and I want him to know it. I don't expect it back, and part of me, knows he loves me, so the words aren't always necessary.

Mostly actions speak louder than words for me. His calling me... that meant alot. If he keeps in touch, that would mean more. I hate being so needy. I hate wanting him. I hate wanting to begin with. And I'm always wanting more...

More time,
more money,
more love...
more than any one person can give me...
more than I should ever ask for...
more.. more... more....

Faith

I have alot of things I want to talk about. About Faith... Love, Respect.... Honesty...
and Suicide.

I won't get far at this moment, but its all things that occured to me when I talked to T., last nite. I needed that call. I really was on edge. I went to church yesterday, so my faith was low. I don't understand if there is a GOD... why won't he help me? Am I that bad of a person? What did I do wrong? All I want to be is loved. Thats all I want. Thats all I really need. Because after love, everything else falls into place.

T. didn't say much, but I don't think it was necessary. Maybe the reason he called, was because I did need it, I ranted raved, and thought about alot of things. I told him things I don't tell anyone else, because I'm too scared what will happen. Part of me wants to die, and I don't want anyone to stop me. But.. this other part of me, wants to live, be happy and be loved. Part of me wants to conquer the world.

I'm at war with myself. I am the enemy, but I am also the ally. I need to fight myself at times, I am rarely my friend. Every day is a challenge for me. I choose to get up each morning. I choose to go to work, to a job I hate, that is so fucked up, and T, couldn't understand why I want a different job. Sure, my job isn't "THAT" bad, and the money is fucking good, but he of all people should understand. I want more. I want a career. I want things I'll only dream of. Mostly because I'm not sure each day , how long I'll continue to live, and even if I do, with all my health problems... and erratic behaviours.... whose to say, I've not done something utterly stupid, and got AIDS. I don't think I have, but... you never know. I am going to get tested though, its just, my doctor sucks... I need a new one. They never have time to take care of all my issues.

I'm so fucked off right now, about so many things. Migraines are killing me, and if they don't the medicine I take for them may.

Crying

Life sucks, crying again..
didn't take that medicine, for two days.. wonders if that is it.. or if it is PMS, not sure, my period .. well i thought it was starting... but.. it really hasn't...

my brain is so fucked up. I'm so lonely. So scared. So lonely.

Tears stream down my face. I can't stop these feelings. I wish I could just figure my life out. Why does everything have to be so fucking complicated. I hate feelings. Especially loving feelings, and sad feelings. I hate being so emotional. I hate hurting so bad.

Wishful Thinking

Wish everyday was like this.
Not sure I'd like to work 9-5 though... mostly cuz I know weekdays are hell. Wish I could work Saturdays and get Sundays and Mondays off. I miss that schedule...

These are my stats, and I've just reached my AM break....

27 calls..
3:18- call time
0:00- after call
= excellent call time..
no after call, so my average call time today is 3:18....
oh.. and idle minutes.. :46 ( time spent waiting for a call)

I wonder if all Saturdays are like this
Wishing.. :)

Though I'd of rather been home in bed. Though... my bed is lonely... looks like it will be for a long time.


On other thoughts, I read all this info about being more suicidal when taking... different antidepressants... Paxil being one of them... The one I am on. It scares me, a few days last week, I was really on edge, and could of killed myself. I was actually making plans to buy a gun and off myself. I was homocidal too. I thought, since everyone thinks its so bad that I leave my daughter, and that that will fuck up her life, more than if I stayed around, and was a bad influence. I thought I should take her with me. I hate when I get those thoughts, and I can't stop them. I hate when my mind plays games with me. I hate it. I want to get better, whatever that means.... I want to have hope again.

Can anyone help me? Can I help me?

Orgasms & Migraines

Had this migraine.. since about 10pm or a little earlier on Wednesday nite. I think it started because I read the medicare manual online. Too much stareing at the computer screen, and waaaay too much fucking info. It was all work related PLEASE!.... but regardless, it came and went... on and off, I savor my pills, because my co-pay on them is 4 bucks each. I can only take 2 per day though, but my refill was only 5 pills. So pretty much, still have the migraine, it seems to get worse, when I get ready for bed, but Wednesday nite.... something amazing happened...

I came.. I saw..... I went,
Despite the fucking migraine, that yes.. it hurt my head more when I came... I came.. on my own, NO phone sex... No help from anyone... Just me, and my favorite middle finger, and dirty thoughts of two hot men doing me (can't say which two, but if.. only...) Fucking great fantasy, the orgasm was alright, not special, but it was a good relief.... Now, maybe I can come more often...

Alternative Methods/Alternative Fantasies

Guns
Pills
Hanging

All three
Still thinking about the random car accident thing
Hiring someone....
Find someone else who wants to die,
and get them to go in on a plan to shoot each other..

blah..
I'm homicidal too...
Don't worry.. its not you

Work

Just realized this is pretty much the only thing I can access thru work, where I could actually communicate with someone. Weird. Everything at my job is pretty much blocked. I hate it.

My job is stressful. Insurance. Complicated, and frustrating, for me, for everyone...
But.. its always interesting.

I'm feeling really blah today.... really lonely..
a bit mad at myself. Glad I have Friday off, Hope I have someone to go out with. Either way... I'll still have fun. The Underwater rocks.

I feel a bit frustrated, cuz noone here at work remembered my birthday, it fucks me off, more than just a bit.... because I always bring in shit for everyone's birthday. That and I hate being 26, I really do. I don't want to be 26.

I'm tired of everyone saying... Do this for your daughter, do that, she didn't ask to come into this world. Well... DUH fuckers.. I didn't ask to either, and I don't want to be here.

I was excited today, I got a birthday picture today, from Punky's brother. Least someone remembered me.. and all me and Mike did was fight... I guess my life could be worse, I could be in prison..

I feel like such an asshole though, cuz I rarely write back to them, and I should.

Fantasies

I wake up this morning, and have thoughts of him..... of T., Something I haven't thought of when waking up in my bed a while. I know what its about, its about his post, and my thoughts on his post. I guess in a way, he's right... I haven't got over him, but I tried to push it to the back of my brain, and distract myself with my "fan club". It worked..... for a while..

I guess thoughts of T, aren't so bad. I mean we are friends again, although I keep asking him to come lick my pussy, half teasingly, half serious. I don't want him to make plans to come see me, I don't want any false hopes or promises from him. Its just thinking of him, is way better than the gun fantasies I've been having lately. I'm just not sure what to do about either. I'm afraid that soon, with everything going on, and I know I just need to learn to cope and deal with this shit, that I'll go over the edge, and walk into the gun shop, and not be afraid.. Actually at this point I'm not afraid... its just.. I'm not sure if I want to die.. Mostly for my little girl, my friends.... But me.. Myself... I've always wanted to die to some degree, and still do. I see nothing good in this life, I have no real dreams. I have noone to love me unconditionally. I have noone to hold me at nite. Noone to call when I'm upset and in tears.

The men that I pick, will always be ones that were similar to my parents. The love I seek is the same. Its like a built in mechanism. I'll always find someone that can't love me like I love them. I'll always be hurt. Thats not much to look forward to. And with my personality, its going to take years and years of hard work to change these things.. that they call "faults", things that aren't "normal" .. Fuck being normal, I just want to function.

I debate daily. Part of me... does want a serious relationship. Part of me just wants to get laid. But with no orgasm, that's become uneventful, especially since the men I've met don't really seem concerned. That fucks me off. A man should work hard to give me an orgasm, actually multiple orgasms. And do whatever it takes, because I'd do the same for him.

So again, I go back to being lonely, I've shut out alot of people that care about me, the rest are busy, some don't care. I miss having someone to talk to at night before I go to bed. Someone to tuck me in, and make me feel loved. Mostly all I really want, is someone to kiss, someone to talk to, someone to hold me.... but everyone always wants more...

Negative...

Is what the pregnancy test says..
Thank god...

It would of been.. one of them... "Whose the daddy.." episodes on Maury, or Jerry..


Anyone know where a good gun shop is? Seriously thinking about it...

I talked to a friend of mine from MySpace.. Who I'm hoping to get a chance to hang out with, and she told me that my favorite person, T., referred to me as his psycho ex gf..... and that the way it seemed to her... is that he acted like I left him...

Who knows, if I ever get to talk to him....

I just want to be held.....
and loved..

Life... Love.. and Fucking

Life Sucks, Love Sucks..
Sex Sucks..
I hate my life.... I hate being 26 years old.
I think alot about that gun, it seems to be a good alternative, to what else could happen in my life.

I think about what T. Posted in his blog, and can't wait to write to him about it.
My stomache has felt sick for two days now. And I can't bear to think that its because I might be pregnant. I can't bear to talk to even my closest friends about it. I just want to curl up and die, all because of my stupidness... All because I'm so needy and want to feel loved, and have sex....

Stupid Stupid.. Stupid..

SoloManiac

Fucked up, and Fucked off...

I got drunk tonite.. had a blast...
I went out by myself...
After I got out of the bar, and realized how drunk I was I called up everyone that had fucked me off in the recent months, and mostly said stupid stuff on their answering machines..... So don't feel special T., you were just next on list, I went thru most of my phone book, everyone got a nasty call...
Which now that I'm sober, I don't feel bad about, I feel relieved to get some things off my chest, although, I'm sure most of what I said didn't make since, since I was incoherent.


HHAHAHHAHAHA..
I still find it funny...
Oh well, If I hurt your feelings, that wasn't my intentions I just needed to get some things off my chest....

Blah

Yes.. I'm bitching again. My first letter from PENNDOT.. stupid fuckers...
Now I have to call and see if they need more info, because from the sounds of this letter they do. I'm so fucked off. The rent-a-car is about out of gas, and I've borrowed a shit load of money from Francis... Thank goodness, my refund check comes on Friday, otherwise, I think today would be a good day to blow my brains out.

Yes, every time I have a problem and can't cope, I wish I was dead. It's become a problem. I don't care if this is the fuckin' way life is, and I need to deal with it. Shit shouldn't be this way.

Children get molested, parents let it happen... and don't even get me started on the sick people that do it. Or Adults fucking babies... or even young children, fucking pediphiles should be shot in the fucking head, and put out of their sick fucking misery. Sick fuckers in this world. Whats worse, is that they don't understand that it is wrong. Yes... I'm bitter, .. It's scary. I fear one day, someone will touch my baby.. thing is... they won't live much longer after I find out, I'd kill them, no matter what I had to do, no matter the cost, even my own life. I'll never be like my mom in that way, and just let things slide, and act all normal. "Its ok if your uncle molested you, its normal- my dad did it to me.... ," I feel echoing in my head, in my mom's voice... although she'd never say those words.

FUCK HIM, FUCK HER, FUCK THE WORLD.

And yes.... for anyone that takes the time to realize, I should be almost at work by now, I'm showing up late. I have shit that needs to be done, and well, I'm at a loss, cuz I need to do it today. Why am I here typing this shit then? Cuz I'm taking some time for me, to help me deal, to help me cope, and think thru my current problem. Its working a bit, but I'm still enraged, and at the edge of tears, but I am trying to stay strong, and deal with this, and be an adult. But, my emotions are that of a child... I cry when things don't go they way they were intended.... perhaps one day, my emotions will mature, but for now, I just have to cope.