My therapist today told me "STOP", you are exhibiting stalker like behaviours. You don't want CG, but you can't stop emailing his gf.. (ex) and saying things to him. I know its not right,and I love him, but I still want to kill him.
Talked to CJR last nite, most the nite, went back to sleep after taking the kids to school, and ended up changing my alarm or something and sleeping late and missing my class.
Also spoke with E today, and also MA, who is 22 and I think he wants to date me, no I know he wants to date me.
Anyway... life goes on. I just want friends. I'm tired of how i get in relationships.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
If
I ever have time I'll finish my previous post.
I'm tired, no sleep, no life, noone that really wants to talk to me anymore. I hate that part. I hate not having attention. I know its not right or appropriate.. and i should be ok with being alone, but I'm not... I want someone to share things with.
School is hectic & I feel a bit depressed, although I like to stay busy.
I just want someone to hold me.. then drive me home right now..
Any volunteers????
I'm tired, no sleep, no life, noone that really wants to talk to me anymore. I hate that part. I hate not having attention. I know its not right or appropriate.. and i should be ok with being alone, but I'm not... I want someone to share things with.
School is hectic & I feel a bit depressed, although I like to stay busy.
I just want someone to hold me.. then drive me home right now..
Any volunteers????
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Anger & Manic(ness)
Dunno how that's spelled but it looks shitty regardless. I wanted to start this so I don't forget what I want to write about.
1. CG
2. School
3. Men
4. Life
5. Sex
(to be continued)
1. CG
2. School
3. Men
4. Life
5. Sex
(to be continued)
Thursday, September 22, 2005
I feel crazy...
I'm starting school on Monday. I went to withdraw but ended up getting what I wanted, more classes, and nice people to help me. I didn't get anything I wanted done today. Well that's a lie, I did laundry but asked Francis to hang it out. I hope he did. I have like 3 or 4 more loads to do this weekend. I won't have time after this to do it. BLAH. I'm glad I'm staying home, but I do enjoy being in DW's arms. I've conceited it won't amount to anything, and I feel bad, because I feel like I led him on. He is really sweet, just... I think that he's not confident in the fact that he is a good catch.
I talked to ELJH, last nite. I hadn't talked (chatted) with him since Christmas. He called me and we talked, or I did most the talking rather, but he listend to me ramble. He was supposed to call me today, in the daytime, but he didn't, but hopefully he will contact me. I got to see him on webcam, he's adorable. Last time I talked to him, he was weird about meeting people on the net, and now he seems open to the idea. It would be nice to at least see him.
Haven't heard from CG... but that is no loss. I apoligized to him for flipping out.
I'll be getting student loans which will help with my financial situation, I just hope it doesn't affect my bankruptcy. I'm getting sick of people telling me I'll lose my car, because all the laws I've seen, say I won't... as long as I make the payments. I have made a list of people I owe, I think I have about 30 people on that list so far.
I also got my allergy shot today. First time in weeks. I got my classes together. I just did my student loan papers. I went thru some paperwork on who I owe. And I called HartLeave to start the paperwork for my surgery. Now I'm here eating my dinner, and chilling, since its so quiet here. I hope it stays that way for the next few months (yeah right) so I can study while I'm here.
Both scared and anxious about my surgery. I hope all goes well. I can't wait to get all the bad stuff behind me and move on with my life.
School will help in the fact that I'll be getting my education and yet I will be able to stay away from the men in my life that aren't good for me.
I need to take more time for me... and quit worrying about stupid men.
I talked to ELJH, last nite. I hadn't talked (chatted) with him since Christmas. He called me and we talked, or I did most the talking rather, but he listend to me ramble. He was supposed to call me today, in the daytime, but he didn't, but hopefully he will contact me. I got to see him on webcam, he's adorable. Last time I talked to him, he was weird about meeting people on the net, and now he seems open to the idea. It would be nice to at least see him.
Haven't heard from CG... but that is no loss. I apoligized to him for flipping out.
I'll be getting student loans which will help with my financial situation, I just hope it doesn't affect my bankruptcy. I'm getting sick of people telling me I'll lose my car, because all the laws I've seen, say I won't... as long as I make the payments. I have made a list of people I owe, I think I have about 30 people on that list so far.
I also got my allergy shot today. First time in weeks. I got my classes together. I just did my student loan papers. I went thru some paperwork on who I owe. And I called HartLeave to start the paperwork for my surgery. Now I'm here eating my dinner, and chilling, since its so quiet here. I hope it stays that way for the next few months (yeah right) so I can study while I'm here.
Both scared and anxious about my surgery. I hope all goes well. I can't wait to get all the bad stuff behind me and move on with my life.
School will help in the fact that I'll be getting my education and yet I will be able to stay away from the men in my life that aren't good for me.
I need to take more time for me... and quit worrying about stupid men.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Blah Men
I have too many men I write about, I can't even keep the initials I use for each straight. So if you get confused, don't worry.. so do I.
I spoke with CG today. I ended up flipping out on him. He finally admited to me... he slept with that girl Angela. He fucked her, says he used a condom, but whatever. He says.. all kinds of other stupid shit. I hate that his life is so sucky, but he apparently didn't really love me. Probably a few days after he fucked me, when I went over there when I was sick, he fucked her. What a dick. Says he's not ready for a relationship, and she knows that. But she posts on his myspace... and says.. " I love you forever, " and "I love you,boo, I hope we are together forever." he says he met her after he stopped talking to me, so.. whose the liar and whose the pyscho. He's the liar.. she's the pyscho... check this out..
The older I get, the more I try to keep valid documention. I can tell you almost every time I had sex with him, or anyone else in the last 2 years or so.
I can't tell you exactly when I started talking with him, because that is at my computer at home, but I will add it when I can find the date.
Saturday,
May 7, 2005 - we met, had been chatting for a few weeks (3 approximately I think)He had already told me he loved me, and I was starting to fall for him. I stayed with him at the hotel, and we made love. Thankfully things in regards to sex got better from there.
Thursday,
May 13, 2005 - I went down to Philly, picked up CG & and he came up and stayed the nite with me.
moving forward...
Monday,
May 30, 2005 - CG broke up with me. I suggested it, because I was confused about what he wanted, and he seemed to be secretive. He agreed, because he was planning to see his ex gf on that Wednesday, and I guess since he wouldn't officially be cheating.. he'd feel better about it. All because he told her, that they could "work on things" with their relationship. All because he couldn't be truthful with me.
Wednesday,
June 1, 2005 - He sees her, she's his gf, and they are "working on things"
Tuesday,
June 7, 2005 - I get my car tires, CG has been wanting me to come down since the weekend. I finally am able to since I got my new tires & I head down after work. He talks with me, and we make it official, and he says he's confused, and etc.. etc.. then I find out, about Cristina.. which I really didn't know about till just then. then we break up the next day.
This continues on, we see each other once or twice a week, for the next few weeks. Always have sex on each occurance. In the meantime I start dating others, since technically I am single. Only all I think about is CG.
Sunday,
June 19, 2005 - CG tells me he does want me, and he does know what he wants, and it is me, and that he just can't have me.
Tuesday,
June 21, 2005 - This nite after work I see CG... one of few times, we didn't have sex. I can't even recall what was the reason.
Saturday,
June 25th, 2005 - Got in a fight with CG, didn't talk to him for two days. This is really the first time, we didn't touch base for a while. I broke down on that next Monday (27th) and called him.
Tuesday,
June 28th, 2005 - Got upset with CG on the phone and hung up on him.
Friday,
July 1st, 2005 - Was in his arms again.
Saturday,
July 2nd, 2005 - He was supposed to go see her early in the morning with her mother, it was canceled. I headed home to take my daughter up to visit my family. I wanted to get back soon, so see him.
Sunday,
July 3rd, 2005 - I was sick as hell, because I went out drinking with my mom last nite and got bombed. All I thought about was my time off work, and wanting to be in his arms. I head home, sick as hell, couldn't eat or drink anything, and tired as hell. About an hour into the trip I pull over and go to sleep. I had called CG last nite and professed my love to him and asked him to marry me. I called him half way home, and he didn't really want to talk to me, and was upset. Told me that I shouldn't come down, it wasn't a good idea. I told him, I couldn't be alone, and pretty much didn't tel him I was coming down anyway. I showed up, we talked, made love, he was mad at me, but I agreed with him, because that is what he wanted, that we wouldn't talk on the phone or see each other again, but only email if we needed to.
Monday,
July 4th, 2005 - He got a call last nite, and he's going to see her. He let me sleep in cuz I was feeling so sick. I was nosy and snooped around, and then left.
Wednesday,
July 6th, 2005 - So much for the agreement, I am in his arms again.
Fast forward.... a few months.... (fill you in with this later)
Sunday,
August 28th, 2005 - I write in my notebook, how I'm confused about his actions. Friday, I had a big fight with him, and was abusive. I am not that type of person. I met someone the next day, and stayed the nite with him. I didn't sleep with him, but I did tell CG about it. He's acting needy, and I can't figure out why. He's practically begging me to come down, and I refuse because of my appointments and training, and that Darian is coming home. I tell him I'll come later in the week.
Wednesday,
August 31st, 2005 - I feel sick, tonsils are swallow, and sick. I throw up when my car is at the garage. I call CG. I was supposed to see him. I tell him I am supposed to go to work, but I can't. I want to be at his house resting. He has to work. He allows me to come down, but tells me his ex-wife is there, and he wants to make sure there are no conflicts. I tell him all i want to do is sleep till he gets there. I rest, talk to him a few times, from his job. I throw up some more, eat a bit of soup, and throw up some more. Then I recover a bit and ask him if he wants picked up from work. He asked if I a fever and I said i wasn't sure, he told me to rest. I then got all hyper and picked up his bedroom a bit, then I snooped some more. I read a letter from Cristina, where she talked about their trip to Puerto Rico.. and some other things.. on how she couldn't wait to be out in May. He came home, took care of me, held me, and comforted me. I was feeling a bit better, we made love.. and cuddled and went to sleep. At some point we were talking and he asked me details of what happened with the guy I met over the weekend. He asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. I hesitated but said yes. He told me not to be embarassed and it was ok. He finished to be loving and didn't seem to mind.
He tells me he is going out of town for the holiday weekend, and leaving on Sunday to see an old college friend. Not sure when we talk next, but it was either Wednesday or Thursday nite. After that, he disappears. Doesn't answer my calls, or my emails, at some point a woman answers his phone. I think it was Sunday or Monday nite ( the 4th or 5th) he leaves me an offline message saying "I'm sorry I'm no longer available, I found a wonderful woman and I'm persueing a serious long-term relationship with her."
On myspace.com his profile is updated to show "in a relationship"
I call him on
Thursday,
September 15th, 2005 - I tell him I'm pregnant, he can't believe it but barely asks me a question. He is nice, but tells me I'd of never let go. I know as well I wouldn't have. So I asked, do you have a gf, or did you just tell me that. He told me that he told me that so I would let go. HE LIED.
I check hotornot- and see some comments on his page. Sept 7th- " I LOVE YOU FOREVER" & Sept 13th (i think)" I LOVE YOU, BOO! I HOPE WE STAY TOGETHER FOREVER"
WTF!!!
I get pissed, for him at lying to me again. And I write her a nice email. So nice he calls me Saturday evening screaming at me.
Today,
Wednesday,
September 21st, 2005
I talk to CG, nicely at first, then I get angry. He admits he has sex with her. (think I said this in an earlier post) he denies the small period of time between me and her, and he knows she is in love with him, but says the same thing he does to me.. " i make no promises.. blah blah blah"
What a dick. I've wasted too much time typing this.. and i'm supposed to be working.
I spoke with CG today. I ended up flipping out on him. He finally admited to me... he slept with that girl Angela. He fucked her, says he used a condom, but whatever. He says.. all kinds of other stupid shit. I hate that his life is so sucky, but he apparently didn't really love me. Probably a few days after he fucked me, when I went over there when I was sick, he fucked her. What a dick. Says he's not ready for a relationship, and she knows that. But she posts on his myspace... and says.. " I love you forever, " and "I love you,boo, I hope we are together forever." he says he met her after he stopped talking to me, so.. whose the liar and whose the pyscho. He's the liar.. she's the pyscho... check this out..
The older I get, the more I try to keep valid documention. I can tell you almost every time I had sex with him, or anyone else in the last 2 years or so.
I can't tell you exactly when I started talking with him, because that is at my computer at home, but I will add it when I can find the date.
Saturday,
May 7, 2005 - we met, had been chatting for a few weeks (3 approximately I think)He had already told me he loved me, and I was starting to fall for him. I stayed with him at the hotel, and we made love. Thankfully things in regards to sex got better from there.
Thursday,
May 13, 2005 - I went down to Philly, picked up CG & and he came up and stayed the nite with me.
moving forward...
Monday,
May 30, 2005 - CG broke up with me. I suggested it, because I was confused about what he wanted, and he seemed to be secretive. He agreed, because he was planning to see his ex gf on that Wednesday, and I guess since he wouldn't officially be cheating.. he'd feel better about it. All because he told her, that they could "work on things" with their relationship. All because he couldn't be truthful with me.
Wednesday,
June 1, 2005 - He sees her, she's his gf, and they are "working on things"
Tuesday,
June 7, 2005 - I get my car tires, CG has been wanting me to come down since the weekend. I finally am able to since I got my new tires & I head down after work. He talks with me, and we make it official, and he says he's confused, and etc.. etc.. then I find out, about Cristina.. which I really didn't know about till just then. then we break up the next day.
This continues on, we see each other once or twice a week, for the next few weeks. Always have sex on each occurance. In the meantime I start dating others, since technically I am single. Only all I think about is CG.
Sunday,
June 19, 2005 - CG tells me he does want me, and he does know what he wants, and it is me, and that he just can't have me.
Tuesday,
June 21, 2005 - This nite after work I see CG... one of few times, we didn't have sex. I can't even recall what was the reason.
Saturday,
June 25th, 2005 - Got in a fight with CG, didn't talk to him for two days. This is really the first time, we didn't touch base for a while. I broke down on that next Monday (27th) and called him.
Tuesday,
June 28th, 2005 - Got upset with CG on the phone and hung up on him.
Friday,
July 1st, 2005 - Was in his arms again.
Saturday,
July 2nd, 2005 - He was supposed to go see her early in the morning with her mother, it was canceled. I headed home to take my daughter up to visit my family. I wanted to get back soon, so see him.
Sunday,
July 3rd, 2005 - I was sick as hell, because I went out drinking with my mom last nite and got bombed. All I thought about was my time off work, and wanting to be in his arms. I head home, sick as hell, couldn't eat or drink anything, and tired as hell. About an hour into the trip I pull over and go to sleep. I had called CG last nite and professed my love to him and asked him to marry me. I called him half way home, and he didn't really want to talk to me, and was upset. Told me that I shouldn't come down, it wasn't a good idea. I told him, I couldn't be alone, and pretty much didn't tel him I was coming down anyway. I showed up, we talked, made love, he was mad at me, but I agreed with him, because that is what he wanted, that we wouldn't talk on the phone or see each other again, but only email if we needed to.
Monday,
July 4th, 2005 - He got a call last nite, and he's going to see her. He let me sleep in cuz I was feeling so sick. I was nosy and snooped around, and then left.
Wednesday,
July 6th, 2005 - So much for the agreement, I am in his arms again.
Fast forward.... a few months.... (fill you in with this later)
Sunday,
August 28th, 2005 - I write in my notebook, how I'm confused about his actions. Friday, I had a big fight with him, and was abusive. I am not that type of person. I met someone the next day, and stayed the nite with him. I didn't sleep with him, but I did tell CG about it. He's acting needy, and I can't figure out why. He's practically begging me to come down, and I refuse because of my appointments and training, and that Darian is coming home. I tell him I'll come later in the week.
Wednesday,
August 31st, 2005 - I feel sick, tonsils are swallow, and sick. I throw up when my car is at the garage. I call CG. I was supposed to see him. I tell him I am supposed to go to work, but I can't. I want to be at his house resting. He has to work. He allows me to come down, but tells me his ex-wife is there, and he wants to make sure there are no conflicts. I tell him all i want to do is sleep till he gets there. I rest, talk to him a few times, from his job. I throw up some more, eat a bit of soup, and throw up some more. Then I recover a bit and ask him if he wants picked up from work. He asked if I a fever and I said i wasn't sure, he told me to rest. I then got all hyper and picked up his bedroom a bit, then I snooped some more. I read a letter from Cristina, where she talked about their trip to Puerto Rico.. and some other things.. on how she couldn't wait to be out in May. He came home, took care of me, held me, and comforted me. I was feeling a bit better, we made love.. and cuddled and went to sleep. At some point we were talking and he asked me details of what happened with the guy I met over the weekend. He asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. I hesitated but said yes. He told me not to be embarassed and it was ok. He finished to be loving and didn't seem to mind.
He tells me he is going out of town for the holiday weekend, and leaving on Sunday to see an old college friend. Not sure when we talk next, but it was either Wednesday or Thursday nite. After that, he disappears. Doesn't answer my calls, or my emails, at some point a woman answers his phone. I think it was Sunday or Monday nite ( the 4th or 5th) he leaves me an offline message saying "I'm sorry I'm no longer available, I found a wonderful woman and I'm persueing a serious long-term relationship with her."
On myspace.com his profile is updated to show "in a relationship"
I call him on
Thursday,
September 15th, 2005 - I tell him I'm pregnant, he can't believe it but barely asks me a question. He is nice, but tells me I'd of never let go. I know as well I wouldn't have. So I asked, do you have a gf, or did you just tell me that. He told me that he told me that so I would let go. HE LIED.
I check hotornot- and see some comments on his page. Sept 7th- " I LOVE YOU FOREVER" & Sept 13th (i think)" I LOVE YOU, BOO! I HOPE WE STAY TOGETHER FOREVER"
WTF!!!
I get pissed, for him at lying to me again. And I write her a nice email. So nice he calls me Saturday evening screaming at me.
Today,
Wednesday,
September 21st, 2005
I talk to CG, nicely at first, then I get angry. He admits he has sex with her. (think I said this in an earlier post) he denies the small period of time between me and her, and he knows she is in love with him, but says the same thing he does to me.. " i make no promises.. blah blah blah"
What a dick. I've wasted too much time typing this.. and i'm supposed to be working.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Slut
Things are so messed up. I got my heart broke, AGAIN. Then I become slutty, again. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.
I have a theory... I look at the BPD diagnoses, and knowing I was never like that when I was diagnosed, although I do have sex too early in the relationship, every man at that point I had been with, I was in love with, and dated.
Shortly after that I became slutty. Then settled down, got my heart broke, and the cycle started over again. I think this is the third cycle. I'm letting myself become what someone said I am. I let myself become my diagnosis. Its sad, but I believe it to be true.
I slept with MB, then started dating DW, and slept with him as well. I then, was told by DW, that if I was horny.. i should go sleep with my bf across town, so he could satisfy me, since he couldnt' be there. It hurt, I cried, and MB called me, and I went over to be with him. No intentions to have sex, although I knew he'd want me, and one thing led to another. DW forgave me, and we worked things out. Sunday nite, he made me promise I would not go over to MB's house alone. I promised. I broke my promise, and MB called me.. and I told him, I wasn't going to sleep with him, and he said he wouldn't try to get me to do that, he didn't want to damage my relationship. He asked me to bring him some food though, so I did. I told DW about it, and now he broke up with me. So I can decide what I want to do. After I see MB again to get my money back, and he said, " we will see what happens and go from there." I don't think honestly he will take me back. And its something that I don't know that I deserve... his forgiveness. But, in the back of my head, I keep thinking, he's not the one I want to build my future with.
I want more.
He's a great guy though, sweet and kind. He holds me, has cooked for me, and adores my daughter. I love him. I don't want to be alone.
And that is my problem. I want to be with whoever wants to be with me, as long as they meet some of my standards. I look past alot of their flaws, and accept them as they are, faults and all. That apparently makes me a bad person. I make bad decisions, and it sucks.. because they are mostly about sex. I love sex.
And as T. reminded me not too long ago, I confuse sex with love, and it is true. I truely do.
I keep telling myself to be more cautious. Someone close to me, a good friend, someone I love, whose life I care about as much as my own. She was recently diagnosed with HIV, although she still has to go to the CDC, and get all that verified, I am hoping and praying for her sake, that its some sort of mistake. If she really does have it. I don't believe there is a god. If there is, and I'm mistaken, he's fucking sick as hell. I feel like there is no hope in the world. Good things always seem to happen for bad people, and good people just get fucked over.
All I wish, is for happiness for everyone.
I have a theory... I look at the BPD diagnoses, and knowing I was never like that when I was diagnosed, although I do have sex too early in the relationship, every man at that point I had been with, I was in love with, and dated.
Shortly after that I became slutty. Then settled down, got my heart broke, and the cycle started over again. I think this is the third cycle. I'm letting myself become what someone said I am. I let myself become my diagnosis. Its sad, but I believe it to be true.
I slept with MB, then started dating DW, and slept with him as well. I then, was told by DW, that if I was horny.. i should go sleep with my bf across town, so he could satisfy me, since he couldnt' be there. It hurt, I cried, and MB called me, and I went over to be with him. No intentions to have sex, although I knew he'd want me, and one thing led to another. DW forgave me, and we worked things out. Sunday nite, he made me promise I would not go over to MB's house alone. I promised. I broke my promise, and MB called me.. and I told him, I wasn't going to sleep with him, and he said he wouldn't try to get me to do that, he didn't want to damage my relationship. He asked me to bring him some food though, so I did. I told DW about it, and now he broke up with me. So I can decide what I want to do. After I see MB again to get my money back, and he said, " we will see what happens and go from there." I don't think honestly he will take me back. And its something that I don't know that I deserve... his forgiveness. But, in the back of my head, I keep thinking, he's not the one I want to build my future with.
I want more.
He's a great guy though, sweet and kind. He holds me, has cooked for me, and adores my daughter. I love him. I don't want to be alone.
And that is my problem. I want to be with whoever wants to be with me, as long as they meet some of my standards. I look past alot of their flaws, and accept them as they are, faults and all. That apparently makes me a bad person. I make bad decisions, and it sucks.. because they are mostly about sex. I love sex.
And as T. reminded me not too long ago, I confuse sex with love, and it is true. I truely do.
I keep telling myself to be more cautious. Someone close to me, a good friend, someone I love, whose life I care about as much as my own. She was recently diagnosed with HIV, although she still has to go to the CDC, and get all that verified, I am hoping and praying for her sake, that its some sort of mistake. If she really does have it. I don't believe there is a god. If there is, and I'm mistaken, he's fucking sick as hell. I feel like there is no hope in the world. Good things always seem to happen for bad people, and good people just get fucked over.
All I wish, is for happiness for everyone.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Life Sucks...
Then you die,hopefully, or get hit by a truck.
Not really, but I thought that sounded funny.
My life is chaotic. I told CG that I was pregnant last nite. DW and I got into another fight. He hung up on me, and wouldn't talk. I went for a drive, went shopping, and talked to CG for a few minutes. Got hit on at the stoplight on my drive, from some drunk guy, asking me to hang out with him. MB ( I think that's what I've been calling him)... called me back last nite, I wanted to talk to him about STD's and stuff. He professed he wanted to see me, but he's not lookin for a LTR, and is afraid he will become attached. He was sweet though and wanting to see me. I'm currently dating DW though, so that complicates things. Can't believe CG, actually called me back. He told me he didn't really have a gf, but that he did that because I would never let go. He told me he loved me and did care, but his life was too much of a mess and he was losing his job soon. I found out on his profile on myspace that he most likely lied to me about the gf, because there is a girl named Angela on there that said, " I love you, " & then... "I hope you and I are together forever, I love you boo" or something to that effect. He's a creep, I'm hating him and loving him at the same time, and it kills me. I've moved on, and I don't want him in any part of my life at this time.
I realized, my reasoning behind wanting to be with him, is my wanting to help him. We could help each other. I could help his financially, and with his children, and he could help me with my mental health issues, and my fiancial problems because we could share expenses. Things are easier when you have two people working towards the same goal. I want to be married. I want a husband. I want a family. I just need to realize it takes time, and the crackers I meet currently are not suitable husbands. I need a strong man to take care of me, but one that is not afraid to be taken care of himself.
And yet, T., I've still not heard from him. I'm sure now he's busy preparing with the band, they have a gig on Sunday. Wish I could go, but alas, I can't. I wish he would IM me or email me, he drives me nuts. I wonder about him alot. I could really use a friend right now.
Mostly cuz I need someone to talk to. My bf isn't much of a talker, and it sucks. I have Lisa, and she helps greatly, she makes sure I don't feel alone. I hope I help her with the same. My other co habitators are having some health and other problems, and its hard for me to deal with. I'm having financial problems, but finally getting my bankruptcy started. I have two traffic tickets, I'm paying on, and I'd like to slap myself in the head for. I can't pay my rent or afford the place I live. I have so much paperwork to do this weekend.
Well back to work.. its fun today... our systems are down...
WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!
Not really, but I thought that sounded funny.
My life is chaotic. I told CG that I was pregnant last nite. DW and I got into another fight. He hung up on me, and wouldn't talk. I went for a drive, went shopping, and talked to CG for a few minutes. Got hit on at the stoplight on my drive, from some drunk guy, asking me to hang out with him. MB ( I think that's what I've been calling him)... called me back last nite, I wanted to talk to him about STD's and stuff. He professed he wanted to see me, but he's not lookin for a LTR, and is afraid he will become attached. He was sweet though and wanting to see me. I'm currently dating DW though, so that complicates things. Can't believe CG, actually called me back. He told me he didn't really have a gf, but that he did that because I would never let go. He told me he loved me and did care, but his life was too much of a mess and he was losing his job soon. I found out on his profile on myspace that he most likely lied to me about the gf, because there is a girl named Angela on there that said, " I love you, " & then... "I hope you and I are together forever, I love you boo" or something to that effect. He's a creep, I'm hating him and loving him at the same time, and it kills me. I've moved on, and I don't want him in any part of my life at this time.
I realized, my reasoning behind wanting to be with him, is my wanting to help him. We could help each other. I could help his financially, and with his children, and he could help me with my mental health issues, and my fiancial problems because we could share expenses. Things are easier when you have two people working towards the same goal. I want to be married. I want a husband. I want a family. I just need to realize it takes time, and the crackers I meet currently are not suitable husbands. I need a strong man to take care of me, but one that is not afraid to be taken care of himself.
And yet, T., I've still not heard from him. I'm sure now he's busy preparing with the band, they have a gig on Sunday. Wish I could go, but alas, I can't. I wish he would IM me or email me, he drives me nuts. I wonder about him alot. I could really use a friend right now.
Mostly cuz I need someone to talk to. My bf isn't much of a talker, and it sucks. I have Lisa, and she helps greatly, she makes sure I don't feel alone. I hope I help her with the same. My other co habitators are having some health and other problems, and its hard for me to deal with. I'm having financial problems, but finally getting my bankruptcy started. I have two traffic tickets, I'm paying on, and I'd like to slap myself in the head for. I can't pay my rent or afford the place I live. I have so much paperwork to do this weekend.
Well back to work.. its fun today... our systems are down...
WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!
Monday, September 12, 2005
DW....
I spent time with him last weekend, well on the holiday last Monday. Then Saturday I headed up to see him, and Darian and I spent the nite up there.. in Wilkes Barre or Kingston... whatever it is called.
I started falling for him before I even went up there this weekend. He's been so sweet and supportive... and caring about all I've been going thru. I haven't let him in on alot of it... but.. I did tell him about the stupid men in my life, and he said he wanted to be with me.... but he wasn't going to interfere. He knew I was in love with CG, and didn't want to intrude... I guess.
Saturday night... and in a way I knew this would happen, we made love. I say we made love because I have loving feelings for him. I know he does for me. Sometime last week, he said.. "Luv You" online, but I wasn't sure how to take it. Most of the weekend, we didn't talk about anything important.. just cuddled, and watched movies.. and played with Darian. So when I got home, I had some things I really wanted to talk about, although... I wasn't sure... how to say them. So we talked online, I got it all out... and I asked him if he wanted to be with me.. and he was like.. of course... but.. I was confused because he didn't say anything over the weekend. I kept asking him if he wanted to see me next weekend, and he's like... "you have an open invitation..." I was like... "thats not what I want to hear..., my question had a yes or no answer.." so like a smart ass.. he says.... "yes or no", I giggle and replied " I want the answer to my question to be yes.. " so he answers... "yes" I made me laugh.
I told him how I felt last nite, and he was like.. what about that other guy. I told him again, as I had before... that I can't be with that guy, because its not good for me. It's not healthy, and all he's done is hurt me. I don't deserve that. So I pretty much asked him, was he going to ask me to be his girfriend.. ( Yes I feel like I'm in 7th grade again... lol) And he was like..." I want to be with you, but... I have a problem.... all my relationships, since my daughter's mother... have never lasted more than 3 months." This seemed to be a big concern with him... (although about a month ago, he said.. we'd be married in a year... ) I told him I wasn't concerned about that.. and that if we didn't give it a try, we wouldn't know. He agreed, and as of yesterday, we are officially dating. Going up there next weekend as well.
The weekend after, T. said he wanted to come down.. tenitively.. anyway... so I'll keep my schedule open... I just am not sure how DW feels about this.. and before... I was a bit worried... about how I would feel when I saw T. again. I know I love him, but our time has passed, and nothing has really changed in our lives, as far as priorities... and he's not made any attempt to let me know he wants me... So I leave it like that. I don't know that I'd ever want to get back with him, under any of the current circumstances.... although I do, and always will love him... and would love to just see him outside my door.. on my stairs... and have him wrap his arms around me.. and wrap my arms around him. That was one of my favourite things. I miss him, as my friend, the guy that cheered me up, and made me laugh, when I was soooo soooo suicidal and depressed. He helped me thru alot. I just hope he realizes it. The only thing that has changed in my life, ( and i'm not sure if anythings changed in T's life- he's not too talkative about it), is that I'm healthier, mentally.. and a bit physically.... and I'm stronger than ever. I'm growing, and learning new things about myself, and my life and what I want...and need.
I enjoy DW, because when I'm there with him, or talking to him on the phone, although he is very mellow, and not as talkative as me... I'm calm, relaxed, and I forget about my problems.... I can't think of one person.. that really has that effect on me, without trying to really relax me. I'm always stressed out, and upset about something. But for this weekend... I played with Darian... had him hold me in his arms.. and we watched movies... and enjoyed Darian and all her funniness. We kissed, we cuddled, and Sunday I fell asleep in his arms, watching my favourite movie. He made us breakfast Sunday morning... sausages, and pancakes.... It rather impressed me.. I wasn't expecting it. Darian said the pancakes tasted funny, I thought they were good. I told him I appreciated it.. and he was like..."it was nothing..... you would of done the same.." which is true, but that is me. I'm not used to someone who would recipricate... for me.
I started falling for him before I even went up there this weekend. He's been so sweet and supportive... and caring about all I've been going thru. I haven't let him in on alot of it... but.. I did tell him about the stupid men in my life, and he said he wanted to be with me.... but he wasn't going to interfere. He knew I was in love with CG, and didn't want to intrude... I guess.
Saturday night... and in a way I knew this would happen, we made love. I say we made love because I have loving feelings for him. I know he does for me. Sometime last week, he said.. "Luv You" online, but I wasn't sure how to take it. Most of the weekend, we didn't talk about anything important.. just cuddled, and watched movies.. and played with Darian. So when I got home, I had some things I really wanted to talk about, although... I wasn't sure... how to say them. So we talked online, I got it all out... and I asked him if he wanted to be with me.. and he was like.. of course... but.. I was confused because he didn't say anything over the weekend. I kept asking him if he wanted to see me next weekend, and he's like... "you have an open invitation..." I was like... "thats not what I want to hear..., my question had a yes or no answer.." so like a smart ass.. he says.... "yes or no", I giggle and replied " I want the answer to my question to be yes.. " so he answers... "yes" I made me laugh.
I told him how I felt last nite, and he was like.. what about that other guy. I told him again, as I had before... that I can't be with that guy, because its not good for me. It's not healthy, and all he's done is hurt me. I don't deserve that. So I pretty much asked him, was he going to ask me to be his girfriend.. ( Yes I feel like I'm in 7th grade again... lol) And he was like..." I want to be with you, but... I have a problem.... all my relationships, since my daughter's mother... have never lasted more than 3 months." This seemed to be a big concern with him... (although about a month ago, he said.. we'd be married in a year... ) I told him I wasn't concerned about that.. and that if we didn't give it a try, we wouldn't know. He agreed, and as of yesterday, we are officially dating. Going up there next weekend as well.
The weekend after, T. said he wanted to come down.. tenitively.. anyway... so I'll keep my schedule open... I just am not sure how DW feels about this.. and before... I was a bit worried... about how I would feel when I saw T. again. I know I love him, but our time has passed, and nothing has really changed in our lives, as far as priorities... and he's not made any attempt to let me know he wants me... So I leave it like that. I don't know that I'd ever want to get back with him, under any of the current circumstances.... although I do, and always will love him... and would love to just see him outside my door.. on my stairs... and have him wrap his arms around me.. and wrap my arms around him. That was one of my favourite things. I miss him, as my friend, the guy that cheered me up, and made me laugh, when I was soooo soooo suicidal and depressed. He helped me thru alot. I just hope he realizes it. The only thing that has changed in my life, ( and i'm not sure if anythings changed in T's life- he's not too talkative about it), is that I'm healthier, mentally.. and a bit physically.... and I'm stronger than ever. I'm growing, and learning new things about myself, and my life and what I want...and need.
I enjoy DW, because when I'm there with him, or talking to him on the phone, although he is very mellow, and not as talkative as me... I'm calm, relaxed, and I forget about my problems.... I can't think of one person.. that really has that effect on me, without trying to really relax me. I'm always stressed out, and upset about something. But for this weekend... I played with Darian... had him hold me in his arms.. and we watched movies... and enjoyed Darian and all her funniness. We kissed, we cuddled, and Sunday I fell asleep in his arms, watching my favourite movie. He made us breakfast Sunday morning... sausages, and pancakes.... It rather impressed me.. I wasn't expecting it. Darian said the pancakes tasted funny, I thought they were good. I told him I appreciated it.. and he was like..."it was nothing..... you would of done the same.." which is true, but that is me. I'm not used to someone who would recipricate... for me.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Anxious
About T. coming over. I stayed up too late last nite, and worked my ass off then, and this morning, cleaning up my room. It was a pig sty. Still a unorganized mess, but at least there is floor space, a empty garbage can, and a clean litter box. (for my psycho cat- Phoenix)
She is awesome by the way, but really needy and crazy. She jumps up on me all the time, tries to help me type on the computer, and thinks she should follow me anywhere, and sleep on my head sometimes.
I'm still upset about CG, but starting to deal with reality. I knew he was bad for me in the beginning, and yet I continued to waste my money, going down there to see me. Not that he never did anything for me... but... there was inequality. I love him, I really do... but I knew from the beginning or near the beginning, we wouldn't be together... ( his choice).
I feel like I never have a choice in the relationship. Its always what they want.. and my needs are disregarded. That is one reason CG intriged me so. In bed, it was all about what I wanted... at least 99% of the time... It was .. "what do you want.. "- "what do you need? " & he tried all the kinky stuff I wanted him to do, things most guys would think I was fucking weird about. He loved my pussy, what can I say. Maybe that is all he really loved.
I guess the biggest reason I'm upset is because I can't determine whether he is just lying to me, because he thinks its best for me... to get over him, and he needed to step out of my life.. or if he really did start seeing someone seriously. If he did.. it makes me hate him... because he told me part of why we couldn't be together is because he needed to get his shit straight.. and he couldn't give the time a serious relationship deserved. But then I keep wondering.. did he end up back with one of his ex's.... because he hid that from me... He hid the fact that she came over.. from me.. even though supposedly nothing went on.. They went to a meeting.. I'm assuming.. AA or NA.. and then... she went to get her nails done.. then supposedly went home.. Somewhere in there. he took pictures of her..
That pisses me off too.. when my sister and I were with him, he took tons of pictures.. and I want them. And I probably will never get them.. because I don't think he will be talking to me anytime soon. I hate men.. sometimes...
But I still will always love him. He has a piece of my heart, despite the fact that he shredded it up, and threw it away... its still not back to me... hopefully one day I can give another piece of my heart.
My aunt was bitching at me.. saying .. " oh. trying to impress T. by cleaning your room.. " I was like "no"... she's like why do you do this.. he was mean to you, and tormented you.. ( or something similar i dont remember what words she used).. and I was like.. "no he didn't" and she said... " why did you sit in your room crying all the time?" ----- DUH.. because I was hurt. He only purposely hurt me once, and I would like to believe that was because he was hurting... because it is something I would do, and have done.. when someone hurt me....
Either way.. I'm working on me again, and hopefully I can stop any stupid men from getting in my way....
Blah...
She is awesome by the way, but really needy and crazy. She jumps up on me all the time, tries to help me type on the computer, and thinks she should follow me anywhere, and sleep on my head sometimes.
I'm still upset about CG, but starting to deal with reality. I knew he was bad for me in the beginning, and yet I continued to waste my money, going down there to see me. Not that he never did anything for me... but... there was inequality. I love him, I really do... but I knew from the beginning or near the beginning, we wouldn't be together... ( his choice).
I feel like I never have a choice in the relationship. Its always what they want.. and my needs are disregarded. That is one reason CG intriged me so. In bed, it was all about what I wanted... at least 99% of the time... It was .. "what do you want.. "- "what do you need? " & he tried all the kinky stuff I wanted him to do, things most guys would think I was fucking weird about. He loved my pussy, what can I say. Maybe that is all he really loved.
I guess the biggest reason I'm upset is because I can't determine whether he is just lying to me, because he thinks its best for me... to get over him, and he needed to step out of my life.. or if he really did start seeing someone seriously. If he did.. it makes me hate him... because he told me part of why we couldn't be together is because he needed to get his shit straight.. and he couldn't give the time a serious relationship deserved. But then I keep wondering.. did he end up back with one of his ex's.... because he hid that from me... He hid the fact that she came over.. from me.. even though supposedly nothing went on.. They went to a meeting.. I'm assuming.. AA or NA.. and then... she went to get her nails done.. then supposedly went home.. Somewhere in there. he took pictures of her..
That pisses me off too.. when my sister and I were with him, he took tons of pictures.. and I want them. And I probably will never get them.. because I don't think he will be talking to me anytime soon. I hate men.. sometimes...
But I still will always love him. He has a piece of my heart, despite the fact that he shredded it up, and threw it away... its still not back to me... hopefully one day I can give another piece of my heart.
My aunt was bitching at me.. saying .. " oh. trying to impress T. by cleaning your room.. " I was like "no"... she's like why do you do this.. he was mean to you, and tormented you.. ( or something similar i dont remember what words she used).. and I was like.. "no he didn't" and she said... " why did you sit in your room crying all the time?" ----- DUH.. because I was hurt. He only purposely hurt me once, and I would like to believe that was because he was hurting... because it is something I would do, and have done.. when someone hurt me....
Either way.. I'm working on me again, and hopefully I can stop any stupid men from getting in my way....
Blah...
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Stupidity & Confusion
I hate men... or I think I do, or I do at least temporarily...
They confuse me. I always want something more, something no one can give me, not even myself. I feel stupid because of it.
I'm so confused about my actions lately. I'm so confused about CG,and some of the other guys I've been seeing.
I need help. I need someone to talk to. I had a good weekend, despite feeling sick, and being sick, and now its coming to a close, I have to face reality. And it sucks.
They confuse me. I always want something more, something no one can give me, not even myself. I feel stupid because of it.
I'm so confused about my actions lately. I'm so confused about CG,and some of the other guys I've been seeing.
I need help. I need someone to talk to. I had a good weekend, despite feeling sick, and being sick, and now its coming to a close, I have to face reality. And it sucks.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Been missing ya..............
Yep, it's true! =o) It seems weird you haven't called in the past few days. I know I am not around most of the time when you call but still........makes me think of you and wonder how you are doing........I just went to your MySpace and looked around.........and saw T's blog.......and his ongoing saga with, it seems, 959 different Jens! LOL Aside from the fact that I have absolutely nothing in common with the guy, I utterly adore his writing style. Witty, uses big words, very intelligent and intellectual, and, best of all, makes fun of stupid people! =o)
Anyways, I hope you are doing okay with your saga consisting of CG and M........or whatever the fuck you call him on here.............=o) Love you and miss you! TTYS!
Anyways, I hope you are doing okay with your saga consisting of CG and M........or whatever the fuck you call him on here.............=o) Love you and miss you! TTYS!
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Don't think its Supposed to be like This
I don't think it is. I had therapy today, and I feel worse. I hate myself, and the stupid choices I make, or choose not to make. I hate my neediness, and I felt really suicidal and sat there comtemplating what choices I had left in my life. I'm away from the suicidal notions right now, but still stressed out.
CG, thinks.. I'm dissing him for the new guy... I don't know that I gave him a name or talked about him yet, but lets call him... MB - he called me last nite, wanting to see me, even though I've told him.. I won't have sex with him, but I stayed the night with him Saturday nite, him being almost a complete stranger. I take risks... too many...sometimes, but I realize, its only when I devalue my life. I hate it, and wish most times I was dead, so I figure if someone were to kill me, it would help the world. There would be one less fuckup.. responsible for the death and destruction of earth. Plus I'd be able to give my daughter, money .. she wouldn't have otherwise. I'm worth more dead than alive.
This new guy.. is damn hot.. but I'll shut up, I don't have time to talk about him right now.
I feel like shit, my throat is sore, I think I'm getting a cold or a sinus infection... and scared/excited about getting my tonsils out.. trying to make sure I can live losing 3-4 days pay... but the thing is.. depending on how I'm feeling I can be off 7 more weeks, and still get paid 100% of my salary.. (no bonuses though ... :( )
Well I got to get back to work...
CG, thinks.. I'm dissing him for the new guy... I don't know that I gave him a name or talked about him yet, but lets call him... MB - he called me last nite, wanting to see me, even though I've told him.. I won't have sex with him, but I stayed the night with him Saturday nite, him being almost a complete stranger. I take risks... too many...sometimes, but I realize, its only when I devalue my life. I hate it, and wish most times I was dead, so I figure if someone were to kill me, it would help the world. There would be one less fuckup.. responsible for the death and destruction of earth. Plus I'd be able to give my daughter, money .. she wouldn't have otherwise. I'm worth more dead than alive.
This new guy.. is damn hot.. but I'll shut up, I don't have time to talk about him right now.
I feel like shit, my throat is sore, I think I'm getting a cold or a sinus infection... and scared/excited about getting my tonsils out.. trying to make sure I can live losing 3-4 days pay... but the thing is.. depending on how I'm feeling I can be off 7 more weeks, and still get paid 100% of my salary.. (no bonuses though ... :( )
Well I got to get back to work...
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Choices
Something everyone has every day.
I made some bad ones.
I flipped out on CG, I screamed and yelled, and in most neighborhoods, it would of caused a scene and the whole neighborhood would be watching, I grabbed his nuts, and told him he was an asshole. I cried, and felt so hopeless, watching what little faith I had in him disappear into a giant hole. I even whipped my keys at him, he kept telling me he was done with this, he even walked away from me, but did everything but walk into the house.
My first mistake, knowing I was upset, and getting a screwdriver anyway. I know better than that, but I've been thinking suicidal and haven't been caring. I've been looking for ways to end my life. This isn't what I want... but it is what I feel. I'm afraid. I never to stay strong. For me, for my daughter, & for the people that love me.
His choice, is that he choses to be alone. That in a way, is why he choses her, he wants to help her, but yet again, he knows she will leave him. (well, imho, when she is done using him...) She's young, and stupid and has an addiction that I'm sure she's not ready to give up. Its totally fucked up.
I realized alot when he made that simple statement to me. Julie, well, I think its like this, I think that I will be alone, because maybe I choose to be alone. The more I thought about it, the more it felt true. The more it made things simpler. Either way, I know I can find better, I just don't know why I don't realize this.
One thing that pisses me off, is that he's so secretive, and he's like.. we aren't dating, but it wouldn't matter even if we were.... he was that way when we were together. Thing is, he's always asking about my dates, and this and that... and I tell him because I am an open person, and he basically gives me love advice..( I asked him about this, and he says, he wants me to find someone to make me happy, and because he wants to make sure I'm going out with the right type of guy) He tells me I need to be strong. I don't get it...does he treat me like this, and be so supportive and encouraging to the women in his life.. that "supposedly" need him. I don't hear him telling them, they shouldn't involve themselves with such losers.. or just be strong, pull yourself together.. etc.. etc.. It is what pisses me off more.
This morning, I couldn't bare it any longer, I had to call him and tell him he's an asshole. I made him ( yes.. i wouldn't leave till he promised me) promise to talk to me tonite, because i was a big mess, and feeling suicidal... and wanted to self injury. He promised to call me... and didn't, so of course I'm upset. It seems I'm the exception to all his "rules". Anyway... I called and told him what I though of him..... ASSHOLE... fuck him and his promises..
I still love him and always will..
I made it thru last nite alone. I tried to call a few people and noone was around. I cut. I'm disappointed in myself, but it makes the suicidal feeling go away.... which helps, and I feel better today, despite.
I am fucking tired though, and currently at work.. have to work in ten minutes.... so for now.. I'm off..
I made some bad ones.
I flipped out on CG, I screamed and yelled, and in most neighborhoods, it would of caused a scene and the whole neighborhood would be watching, I grabbed his nuts, and told him he was an asshole. I cried, and felt so hopeless, watching what little faith I had in him disappear into a giant hole. I even whipped my keys at him, he kept telling me he was done with this, he even walked away from me, but did everything but walk into the house.
My first mistake, knowing I was upset, and getting a screwdriver anyway. I know better than that, but I've been thinking suicidal and haven't been caring. I've been looking for ways to end my life. This isn't what I want... but it is what I feel. I'm afraid. I never to stay strong. For me, for my daughter, & for the people that love me.
His choice, is that he choses to be alone. That in a way, is why he choses her, he wants to help her, but yet again, he knows she will leave him. (well, imho, when she is done using him...) She's young, and stupid and has an addiction that I'm sure she's not ready to give up. Its totally fucked up.
I realized alot when he made that simple statement to me. Julie, well, I think its like this, I think that I will be alone, because maybe I choose to be alone. The more I thought about it, the more it felt true. The more it made things simpler. Either way, I know I can find better, I just don't know why I don't realize this.
One thing that pisses me off, is that he's so secretive, and he's like.. we aren't dating, but it wouldn't matter even if we were.... he was that way when we were together. Thing is, he's always asking about my dates, and this and that... and I tell him because I am an open person, and he basically gives me love advice..( I asked him about this, and he says, he wants me to find someone to make me happy, and because he wants to make sure I'm going out with the right type of guy) He tells me I need to be strong. I don't get it...does he treat me like this, and be so supportive and encouraging to the women in his life.. that "supposedly" need him. I don't hear him telling them, they shouldn't involve themselves with such losers.. or just be strong, pull yourself together.. etc.. etc.. It is what pisses me off more.
This morning, I couldn't bare it any longer, I had to call him and tell him he's an asshole. I made him ( yes.. i wouldn't leave till he promised me) promise to talk to me tonite, because i was a big mess, and feeling suicidal... and wanted to self injury. He promised to call me... and didn't, so of course I'm upset. It seems I'm the exception to all his "rules". Anyway... I called and told him what I though of him..... ASSHOLE... fuck him and his promises..
I still love him and always will..
I made it thru last nite alone. I tried to call a few people and noone was around. I cut. I'm disappointed in myself, but it makes the suicidal feeling go away.... which helps, and I feel better today, despite.
I am fucking tired though, and currently at work.. have to work in ten minutes.... so for now.. I'm off..
Monday, August 22, 2005
Producer's Accident & Health
I passed my test. I got an 82% - not anywhere near perfect, but it doesn't need to be. All I needed was a 70% to pass. Now hopefully in the next few months, my license will go thru, and I will be able to take Florida calls, and be eligible for a bigger bonus.
Someone on Saturday nite decided to pick up a huge piece of cement from a broken sidewalk, and put it thru my back window of my car. They didn't steal anything. I'm so upset. I still don't know what to do. I have no money for the deductible. My gram won't let me borrow any because I already have borrowed money. My aunt just told me two other white cars got smashed up and broken into within a few block radius of my house. One was this lady we see walking her dog... her son, got his windows smashed, as well as another white car, and both got their stereos' jacked. I didn't... my faceplate was in the house...
Tomorrow I get a rent a car... and luckily only have to put down a 50 dollar deposit which hopefully will still be in my account tomorrow...
I hope I make it thru this.
I miss CG. Last nite... he was so sweet and loving... he helped me thru my rage and anger... I wish we could be together... we love each other so much...
Someone on Saturday nite decided to pick up a huge piece of cement from a broken sidewalk, and put it thru my back window of my car. They didn't steal anything. I'm so upset. I still don't know what to do. I have no money for the deductible. My gram won't let me borrow any because I already have borrowed money. My aunt just told me two other white cars got smashed up and broken into within a few block radius of my house. One was this lady we see walking her dog... her son, got his windows smashed, as well as another white car, and both got their stereos' jacked. I didn't... my faceplate was in the house...
Tomorrow I get a rent a car... and luckily only have to put down a 50 dollar deposit which hopefully will still be in my account tomorrow...
I hope I make it thru this.
I miss CG. Last nite... he was so sweet and loving... he helped me thru my rage and anger... I wish we could be together... we love each other so much...
Friday, August 19, 2005
Still...
Upset... and hurting, things are going better, although I feel like blowing my head off lately... seems to be something that is going around.
I'm really scared lately... I'm glad my sis is around, cuz I'm not dealing well with everything.
CG, my sis met him, thinks he's nice, cute.. etc... and then I think about how much I love & want him, and I cry. He's struggling, and I can't do anything.... I just want to help, I want to hold him and kiss him....
T, I still love him and always will, and as much as I'm glad he's found someone it still hurts... and I get these strange feelings from him lately (what little contact I have had)... and I wish I could help him.
And this new guy, DW, I'll call him, met him, he's nice, seems sweet, took me to movies and to eat.. we cuddled, kissed... and he aroused me, but at the same time knows I'm not looking for sex, and is ok with that.
I realized that I'm very shallow, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, or move on. I've went on some other dates as well, which apparently they didn't really like me.... like that.. or something..
The new friend I talked about in the most recent post... well I have a big crush on him, but he alas is married, and I'm already feeling too many feelings for him. I can't stand how I fall for men.. especially men that can't be there, I fall for men that are absent from my life...
I know... 12 years of therapy would only tell me, that... it stems from my childhood, what a shame, that so much time was wasted.
I'm really scared lately... I'm glad my sis is around, cuz I'm not dealing well with everything.
CG, my sis met him, thinks he's nice, cute.. etc... and then I think about how much I love & want him, and I cry. He's struggling, and I can't do anything.... I just want to help, I want to hold him and kiss him....
T, I still love him and always will, and as much as I'm glad he's found someone it still hurts... and I get these strange feelings from him lately (what little contact I have had)... and I wish I could help him.
And this new guy, DW, I'll call him, met him, he's nice, seems sweet, took me to movies and to eat.. we cuddled, kissed... and he aroused me, but at the same time knows I'm not looking for sex, and is ok with that.
I realized that I'm very shallow, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, or move on. I've went on some other dates as well, which apparently they didn't really like me.... like that.. or something..
The new friend I talked about in the most recent post... well I have a big crush on him, but he alas is married, and I'm already feeling too many feelings for him. I can't stand how I fall for men.. especially men that can't be there, I fall for men that are absent from my life...
I know... 12 years of therapy would only tell me, that... it stems from my childhood, what a shame, that so much time was wasted.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Better
Starting to feel better...
First after I sliced my leg, three times... not deep, but too deep to pass as cat scratches like the two on my arm...
And
Second, I made a new friend. I'll call him, DA- He's sweet, and nice to talk to...
Alas, he's married, but separated, has two children, and is in the military... He seems very caring as well.
That and since the nite I cried my eyes out, CG, has been really following thru on calling me and such. Its wierd for that to happen.... I'm not used to it. He actually called me from his home number last nite as well, after he told me I couldn't have it. I love him... I truely do, I just wish I could move on, I need to, for my health's sake, for my future, for my saneness....
First after I sliced my leg, three times... not deep, but too deep to pass as cat scratches like the two on my arm...
And
Second, I made a new friend. I'll call him, DA- He's sweet, and nice to talk to...
Alas, he's married, but separated, has two children, and is in the military... He seems very caring as well.
That and since the nite I cried my eyes out, CG, has been really following thru on calling me and such. Its wierd for that to happen.... I'm not used to it. He actually called me from his home number last nite as well, after he told me I couldn't have it. I love him... I truely do, I just wish I could move on, I need to, for my health's sake, for my future, for my saneness....
Monday, August 08, 2005
Tears & Irritability
Stressed out, been teary eyed, mostly since Friday. Sally wants to make excuses that my being pissed Sunday has to do with me going to CG's Saturday nite. But I came home and got lots of sleep. CG, knows whats going on, I've been late on my meds Saturday and Sunday... Today I will make sure I take them on time. I don't think that is it though. I think it is alot of other things, CG, included that weigh on my mind daily. Francis is pissing me off, always throwing my things away.. and fucking with them. I wish Sally would just get rid of him. Its fucked up. She tells me how bad CG is for me, and she can't get rid of Francis, or quit enabling his behaviours.. its fucked up. Least CG, to some extent, makes me happy, with the exception of that one day, he treats me like a queen, makes love to me each time like its the first, and always does his best to please me. He's loving when he knows I'm hurt, he holds me.. when I need to be held. He acts stupid and tries to get me to laugh, when he knows it would be a good distraction. He tries to get me to focus on my priorities....
Lately, he knows I don't want to let go, but he tries to come up with reasons, I should stay away from him... He's like... I'm selfish, I'm a jerk, I smoke..... I wouldn't be good for you. Its just I keep telling myself, I'd dump him anyway down the road, so.. that because I don't even get a chance, I won't feel so bad. It really sucks. I love him so much. I love being in his arms, i love holding him... I love laying my head on his chest. I love running my fingers across his skin.... i love the way he touches me, I love the way he kisses me.... I love how attractive he is.. i love when he makes me smile, I love when he is silly.. I love how she says " I know," sometimes when I tell him I love him, because he likes to give me a hard time. I love how he kisses me, I love just sleeping next to him.
I just wish I had a chance to show him.... how things could be.
Lately, he knows I don't want to let go, but he tries to come up with reasons, I should stay away from him... He's like... I'm selfish, I'm a jerk, I smoke..... I wouldn't be good for you. Its just I keep telling myself, I'd dump him anyway down the road, so.. that because I don't even get a chance, I won't feel so bad. It really sucks. I love him so much. I love being in his arms, i love holding him... I love laying my head on his chest. I love running my fingers across his skin.... i love the way he touches me, I love the way he kisses me.... I love how attractive he is.. i love when he makes me smile, I love when he is silly.. I love how she says " I know," sometimes when I tell him I love him, because he likes to give me a hard time. I love how he kisses me, I love just sleeping next to him.
I just wish I had a chance to show him.... how things could be.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Dial Up
Back to dial up, temporarily.. . Can't wait to get dsl, I don't care if it is slower than cable, it has to be better than dial up. We have to catch up on our verizon bill, first. I returned the cable modem today... blah..
Started talking to this guy.. today.. TC, he's from Jamaica, and hot as hell, seems sweet as well. We will talk tommorrow, he seems cool.. we will see.
My heart still aches for CG. I wish I could deal with letting go, but I can't... and he doesn't seem to be able to either...
Darian will be home tonite, can't wait to see her, and hug her and hold her.
I'm getting licensed for Florida/Pennsylvania.. . I'm so damn excited. I work days for the next two weeks, and have training. Plus bonus is better for that too, up to 300 a month. This month I get a 200 dollar bonus. I need that money sooo fucking bad. My cat, cost me 70 dollars at the vet, and I have to take her back in a few weeks.
She doesn't seem to like the organic litter I got, that ticks me off... i like it, it smells good, and is better for the environment....
My cat is still damn crazy, always scratching me.. but, she's still the sweetest little thing, in the world.
My sister had surgery, I hope all is well with her, she's in a lot of pain.
Started talking to this guy.. today.. TC, he's from Jamaica, and hot as hell, seems sweet as well. We will talk tommorrow, he seems cool.. we will see.
My heart still aches for CG. I wish I could deal with letting go, but I can't... and he doesn't seem to be able to either...
Darian will be home tonite, can't wait to see her, and hug her and hold her.
I'm getting licensed for Florida/Pennsylvania.. . I'm so damn excited. I work days for the next two weeks, and have training. Plus bonus is better for that too, up to 300 a month. This month I get a 200 dollar bonus. I need that money sooo fucking bad. My cat, cost me 70 dollars at the vet, and I have to take her back in a few weeks.
She doesn't seem to like the organic litter I got, that ticks me off... i like it, it smells good, and is better for the environment....
My cat is still damn crazy, always scratching me.. but, she's still the sweetest little thing, in the world.
My sister had surgery, I hope all is well with her, she's in a lot of pain.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
My Day with CG
Spent Tuesday with him. It was mostly untolerable. I almost just left 3 times without saying anything. I tried to resist the urge... but it was hard. I knew if I left I'd just end up leaving, crying, and probably hurting myself. I couldn't do that to myself.
First, he tells me to come sometime after nine, because he won't be up before that. I'm like.. ok fine, even though I don't want to deal with traffic. I think I get there after 11 or so, and I try to open the door, its locked, so I try to call his cell, no answer, so I knock,(before I got there I had to pee... SOOO bad).. So I call again, and again.. knock, walk around back, and try to see if you can go in the back way.. (his room is in the back of the house) I call again.. go back to the front porch... and try to ring these things that look like doorbells, and I give up.. pissed as hell. I run down to Burger King, before I piss myself... get in there, and the bathroom is the nastiest shit in the world, the one has piss and stuff all over it.. and the other, it looks like someones shoe with mud.. I wipe the toilet seat off.. with tp, and then put some more tp on the seat.. and relieve myself. I was hungry, but after that... I was just disgusted, and refused to eat there.. blah.
Then I call him again, and he's like... oh... and doesn't apoligize when I say anything to him... and was like.."did you ring the doorbell?" I'm like.. "yeah" and he realizes its not workin right. I was soo pissed. Then he pretty much ignores me... which pisses me off more. I hate that shit.
Then.. throughout the day, he just does little annoying stuff... and doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that I came there to help him, and that I did want some lovin's... which he hardly gave me. I was so frustrated and annoyed.
Then, he gets me, him, and his family, water ice, which was good... but.. then comes out to eat his with me.. and his brother ( i think) calls him in... and he's like watch this for me.. I do.. but 15 minutes later, sitting in the sun, burning up, I start to get annoyed. I call him on his cell, and he says..just a minute.. I'll be out... ten minutes later.. he still doesn't come out.. Its almost time for my meds, so I take off to the store, and call him back... to let him know.. and he doesn't answer. Grr.. And I call him back when I get back, and I sit in my car in the a/c. He comes out, at one point, and doesn't even bother to call back or say anything to me... So I get out, and go over by the house.. and he's by the house.. again. (after he dissappeared).. and was on the phone.. then made excuses about.. I'm on the phone.. etc.. I'm like, that is fucking rude, to leave me outside for over twenty-five minutes. (He could of at least invited me in) ASSHOLE. He apoligizes... but yet...
Does it again.. leaves me down in the basement, while he is upstairs... with nowhere to sit, and nothing to do, and he wonders why I snoop?? what the fuck. He apoligizes again, but continues to act like an asshole.
At one point I backhand him in the chest, and hurt him.. because he said to the dog, " its ok Kiera, she drives different than I do..." I took it as an insult, so we had this big discussion about how my driving was fine, it was just different than his...
I told him several times thru the day, he was being a jerk, and an asshole.. and at several points he apoligized... and said he was sorry, and even told me he appreciated me helping him out, when I told him.. that I came here to help him, and he was being disrespectful, and rude. I didn't ask him for anything. I came down there, because he invited me.. made plans with me.. (not to help him move his pets, but to make love) and when he said he needed help, i told him that was fine... I'd help... I also had to buy my own dinner... he provided me with water ice, and then water... (but he also told me at one point to go to the store, it was on sale- that was fucking rude)... I even helped him fold his clothes.
I told him... again he was a jerk, and he said he was always like that.. I said. that he never acted like that around me.. and he stated.. "how often do you usually spend the whole day with me..." which is true, since the beginning of us dating, we've only spend a few, maybe 5 or 6 actual days together. The day we met, the day after we met, I remember one day I came down to Philly, and offhand.. I can't think of any specific instances...
We ended up talking, and it turned out good. I'm still hurt, but I know in the end, even if he chose me, I'd end up hurting him. I'd leave him, I can't tolerate his shit. I can't tolerate how he is with the kids, or his lack of cleanlyness habits. I really hope him and Cristina can be happy, although he says its not about him being happy... which I find to be BS.
I told him how much it hurts me the things he says.. (when we are making love and otherwise.. ) Things like, " I am all yours", " you are exactly the type of woman I want to marry", "This feels so good, so right," " I love being with you, you make me so happy", "being with you feels so good", "I wish things could be different," " I wish I'd met you first"....
I'm almost crying as I write this, and if I was at home, and not at work I wouldn't be holding back. I love him, with all my heart.. but I believe relationships are built on communication and trust, neither of which we have enough of.....
I do feel better after our talk, but then we made love, which was fucking incredible... but he said.. that that had to be the last time...
First, he tells me to come sometime after nine, because he won't be up before that. I'm like.. ok fine, even though I don't want to deal with traffic. I think I get there after 11 or so, and I try to open the door, its locked, so I try to call his cell, no answer, so I knock,(before I got there I had to pee... SOOO bad).. So I call again, and again.. knock, walk around back, and try to see if you can go in the back way.. (his room is in the back of the house) I call again.. go back to the front porch... and try to ring these things that look like doorbells, and I give up.. pissed as hell. I run down to Burger King, before I piss myself... get in there, and the bathroom is the nastiest shit in the world, the one has piss and stuff all over it.. and the other, it looks like someones shoe with mud.. I wipe the toilet seat off.. with tp, and then put some more tp on the seat.. and relieve myself. I was hungry, but after that... I was just disgusted, and refused to eat there.. blah.
Then I call him again, and he's like... oh... and doesn't apoligize when I say anything to him... and was like.."did you ring the doorbell?" I'm like.. "yeah" and he realizes its not workin right. I was soo pissed. Then he pretty much ignores me... which pisses me off more. I hate that shit.
Then.. throughout the day, he just does little annoying stuff... and doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that I came there to help him, and that I did want some lovin's... which he hardly gave me. I was so frustrated and annoyed.
Then, he gets me, him, and his family, water ice, which was good... but.. then comes out to eat his with me.. and his brother ( i think) calls him in... and he's like watch this for me.. I do.. but 15 minutes later, sitting in the sun, burning up, I start to get annoyed. I call him on his cell, and he says..just a minute.. I'll be out... ten minutes later.. he still doesn't come out.. Its almost time for my meds, so I take off to the store, and call him back... to let him know.. and he doesn't answer. Grr.. And I call him back when I get back, and I sit in my car in the a/c. He comes out, at one point, and doesn't even bother to call back or say anything to me... So I get out, and go over by the house.. and he's by the house.. again. (after he dissappeared).. and was on the phone.. then made excuses about.. I'm on the phone.. etc.. I'm like, that is fucking rude, to leave me outside for over twenty-five minutes. (He could of at least invited me in) ASSHOLE. He apoligizes... but yet...
Does it again.. leaves me down in the basement, while he is upstairs... with nowhere to sit, and nothing to do, and he wonders why I snoop?? what the fuck. He apoligizes again, but continues to act like an asshole.
At one point I backhand him in the chest, and hurt him.. because he said to the dog, " its ok Kiera, she drives different than I do..." I took it as an insult, so we had this big discussion about how my driving was fine, it was just different than his...
I told him several times thru the day, he was being a jerk, and an asshole.. and at several points he apoligized... and said he was sorry, and even told me he appreciated me helping him out, when I told him.. that I came here to help him, and he was being disrespectful, and rude. I didn't ask him for anything. I came down there, because he invited me.. made plans with me.. (not to help him move his pets, but to make love) and when he said he needed help, i told him that was fine... I'd help... I also had to buy my own dinner... he provided me with water ice, and then water... (but he also told me at one point to go to the store, it was on sale- that was fucking rude)... I even helped him fold his clothes.
I told him... again he was a jerk, and he said he was always like that.. I said. that he never acted like that around me.. and he stated.. "how often do you usually spend the whole day with me..." which is true, since the beginning of us dating, we've only spend a few, maybe 5 or 6 actual days together. The day we met, the day after we met, I remember one day I came down to Philly, and offhand.. I can't think of any specific instances...
We ended up talking, and it turned out good. I'm still hurt, but I know in the end, even if he chose me, I'd end up hurting him. I'd leave him, I can't tolerate his shit. I can't tolerate how he is with the kids, or his lack of cleanlyness habits. I really hope him and Cristina can be happy, although he says its not about him being happy... which I find to be BS.
I told him how much it hurts me the things he says.. (when we are making love and otherwise.. ) Things like, " I am all yours", " you are exactly the type of woman I want to marry", "This feels so good, so right," " I love being with you, you make me so happy", "being with you feels so good", "I wish things could be different," " I wish I'd met you first"....
I'm almost crying as I write this, and if I was at home, and not at work I wouldn't be holding back. I love him, with all my heart.. but I believe relationships are built on communication and trust, neither of which we have enough of.....
I do feel better after our talk, but then we made love, which was fucking incredible... but he said.. that that had to be the last time...
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