Things seem to be ok. Work is ok. Home is ok, but I just got paid, so there in lies a problem. I'm not worrying about that yet. I'll wait till after I call the bank here in a few minutes... lol
I just feel really lucky to have met Chris. He's brought alot into my life, in the short time I've known him. We've been dating almost a month, talking on the phone about 5-6 weeks, and I believe we starting chatting in March. He doesn't put up with my shit. He doesn't let me get away with my saying "I don't want to talk about it!"
He told me last nite, that he'd hang up on me if I didn't talk about it. I didn't want to feel that.
I get real nervous, about things, my anxiety is so high. The meds so far haven't helped much.
I gotta get back to work.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
I'm LUCKY
I honestly do feel lucky. I have a really great boyfriend, and he doesn't give himself credit for alot of it. I don't know yet, if he's trying to be modest, or whether he doesn't believe in himself.
Regardless, he's the best boyfriend I've had. Respectful, loving, understanding, committed, reassuring, gentle, and a million plus one other things... I could list all day. He's the one thing, besides my daughter & my blankie, that actually comforts me. His sweet voice, picturing his smile on the other side of the phone. Hearing him laugh. It brings joy to my world. He's always there to listen to me, whether I'm bitching, complaining, hurting, or even happy or joyful.
He means the world to me. I honestly don't think I'm too attached. I wonder if he wonders how I feel, because I joke about marriage. Thing is, he knows that is where I want this to go at some point, and I'm pretty sure that is what he's hoping for. Only time will tell. I honestly believe communication is the key. Its something, I really am trying at, but I really have alot to work on.
I hope he can stick with me thru this rough time, because I know things will get better.
I love him. With all my heart. He truely is the best.
Regardless, he's the best boyfriend I've had. Respectful, loving, understanding, committed, reassuring, gentle, and a million plus one other things... I could list all day. He's the one thing, besides my daughter & my blankie, that actually comforts me. His sweet voice, picturing his smile on the other side of the phone. Hearing him laugh. It brings joy to my world. He's always there to listen to me, whether I'm bitching, complaining, hurting, or even happy or joyful.
He means the world to me. I honestly don't think I'm too attached. I wonder if he wonders how I feel, because I joke about marriage. Thing is, he knows that is where I want this to go at some point, and I'm pretty sure that is what he's hoping for. Only time will tell. I honestly believe communication is the key. Its something, I really am trying at, but I really have alot to work on.
I hope he can stick with me thru this rough time, because I know things will get better.
I love him. With all my heart. He truely is the best.
**FROM MYSPACE**
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
8:17AM
One Last Time
Current mood: optimistic
Its come to my attention, that people read my blog, and take me the wrong way.
I've been called a pyscho more than once. This isn't a label that I'm willing to live with.
Yes, I have borderling personality disorder, I'm bipolar, I have abandonment issues & and am insecure at times.
My blog is my venting place. I started using MySpace as my blog because I'm here so often.
No longer will this be. My friends, the ones that know me, and won't judge me are the only ones that need to read my blog, noone else.
So if you think you are close enough to me, that you think you should be able to read about my life, ask me.
I started my orginal blog, because I wanted to write a book about my life. That is still my intentions. But, I will be working on my poetry first.
So, as for really personally stuff, it won't be posted here any longer. But don't get me wrong I will still post things here, just not my rantings, and thoughts about how to deal with my own life.
Its not something I like people to have the wrong impression about me.
I'm a nice girl. I'm intelligent, and I want people to see that first, before they see all my problems.
Its just my problems are whats up front in my life. I've been working really hard to get the demons out, so I can move on, and have a happy life. This is something I will do, just my emotions get the best of me. Right now, I'm just happy to have friends, to support me. The best one at this point, is my boyfriend. He's very supportive and loving, and despite, my jealousy, he's sweet and kind to me, and understands that I'm going thru alot. He's helped me stay strong this last month. He's been a stable source of support.
------------------------------------------------------------
COMMENTS
I'm sorry that people are judging you by your posts. Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest and posting here seems to be a good place if it weren't for the assholes who want to judge you.
Posted by Steve on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 10:48AM
----------------------------------------------------------
Jae Ann
Its not just that, and its ok. Everyone will judge at times. I've discussed this with a few close friends, and they as well said, that some of the things I write about are off the wall, but they know me, and know how I am in real life & how much my blog helps me.
I wouldn't exactly call them assholes, because I realize I judge people at times, although I try not to. I just realized if I want my thoughts to stay a bit private, that I can do that, and that MySpace doesn't have to be my outlet.
I've been blogging for years, this past year, is probably had the most views, because I don't use my regular site to post.
My blog will still exist just not here.
Posted by Jae Ann on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 8:26 PM
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
Clarification
Current mood: content
Category: Blogging
8:14AM
The last post was actually correct. I don't "HATE" any of those things. They are just things I don't like. I don't really "HATE" anything. HATE is a strong word, and there is not much I can honestly say I hate.
One thing I can say, honestly is that I hate ignorance and prejustice.
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
Things I hate.... to be continued...
Current mood: cranky
5:18PM
I hate....
When I see comments where my boyfriend refers to another girl as sexy.
That he never comments on my blog, on the phone or here.
That he thinks I should be scared and run away...
That he always looks at sexy skinny women on the net...
That he always tells me I'm not fat, and always complains about his beer belly.
That I never get to see him.
That I wish I could.
That I always want him.
That I really don't know that much about him.
I hate that I'm so jealous.
I hate that I'm so needy.
I hate that I'm always trying to put people away.
I hate that I get attached really easily.
I hate the way I feel about a conversation me and Chris had last nite.
I hate people that won't shut up about me.
I hate co-workers that complain.
I hate people that are secretive and/or uncaring.
I hate my daughter's father.
I hate having to be responsible.
I hate doctors.
I hate sweet pickles.
I hate this messy house.
I hate that my skin is burnt, and my wrist hurts.
I hate stupid people.
I hate cocky people.
I hate when people put stupid bumper stickers all over their cars.
I hate people who don't know how to drive.
I hate people that lie to me.
I hate people that lie to themselves.
I hate being tired.
I hate feeling irritated and grumpy.
I hate PMS, & periods.
I hate birth control pills.
I hate condoms.
I hate medications.
I hate insurance companies.
I hate Verizon.
I hate Wal-mart.
---------------------------------------------------
COMMENTS
I never comment on your blogs because we talk about them before I usually read them. I don't know why you get so mad about me telling someone they look nice when they change their hair. I don't know why you get so upset and jealous sometimes. You're the only woman in my life. You need to see that. I want you, no one else. But I do have friends and that's all they are. I love you.
Posted by Chris on Monday, May 29, 2006 at 9:18 PM
8:17AM
One Last Time
Current mood: optimistic
Its come to my attention, that people read my blog, and take me the wrong way.
I've been called a pyscho more than once. This isn't a label that I'm willing to live with.
Yes, I have borderling personality disorder, I'm bipolar, I have abandonment issues & and am insecure at times.
My blog is my venting place. I started using MySpace as my blog because I'm here so often.
No longer will this be. My friends, the ones that know me, and won't judge me are the only ones that need to read my blog, noone else.
So if you think you are close enough to me, that you think you should be able to read about my life, ask me.
I started my orginal blog, because I wanted to write a book about my life. That is still my intentions. But, I will be working on my poetry first.
So, as for really personally stuff, it won't be posted here any longer. But don't get me wrong I will still post things here, just not my rantings, and thoughts about how to deal with my own life.
Its not something I like people to have the wrong impression about me.
I'm a nice girl. I'm intelligent, and I want people to see that first, before they see all my problems.
Its just my problems are whats up front in my life. I've been working really hard to get the demons out, so I can move on, and have a happy life. This is something I will do, just my emotions get the best of me. Right now, I'm just happy to have friends, to support me. The best one at this point, is my boyfriend. He's very supportive and loving, and despite, my jealousy, he's sweet and kind to me, and understands that I'm going thru alot. He's helped me stay strong this last month. He's been a stable source of support.
------------------------------------------------------------
COMMENTS
I'm sorry that people are judging you by your posts. Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest and posting here seems to be a good place if it weren't for the assholes who want to judge you.
Posted by Steve on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 10:48AM
----------------------------------------------------------
Jae Ann
Its not just that, and its ok. Everyone will judge at times. I've discussed this with a few close friends, and they as well said, that some of the things I write about are off the wall, but they know me, and know how I am in real life & how much my blog helps me.
I wouldn't exactly call them assholes, because I realize I judge people at times, although I try not to. I just realized if I want my thoughts to stay a bit private, that I can do that, and that MySpace doesn't have to be my outlet.
I've been blogging for years, this past year, is probably had the most views, because I don't use my regular site to post.
My blog will still exist just not here.
Posted by Jae Ann on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 8:26 PM
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
Clarification
Current mood: content
Category: Blogging
8:14AM
The last post was actually correct. I don't "HATE" any of those things. They are just things I don't like. I don't really "HATE" anything. HATE is a strong word, and there is not much I can honestly say I hate.
One thing I can say, honestly is that I hate ignorance and prejustice.
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
Things I hate.... to be continued...
Current mood: cranky
5:18PM
I hate....
When I see comments where my boyfriend refers to another girl as sexy.
That he never comments on my blog, on the phone or here.
That he thinks I should be scared and run away...
That he always looks at sexy skinny women on the net...
That he always tells me I'm not fat, and always complains about his beer belly.
That I never get to see him.
That I wish I could.
That I always want him.
That I really don't know that much about him.
I hate that I'm so jealous.
I hate that I'm so needy.
I hate that I'm always trying to put people away.
I hate that I get attached really easily.
I hate the way I feel about a conversation me and Chris had last nite.
I hate people that won't shut up about me.
I hate co-workers that complain.
I hate people that are secretive and/or uncaring.
I hate my daughter's father.
I hate having to be responsible.
I hate doctors.
I hate sweet pickles.
I hate this messy house.
I hate that my skin is burnt, and my wrist hurts.
I hate stupid people.
I hate cocky people.
I hate when people put stupid bumper stickers all over their cars.
I hate people who don't know how to drive.
I hate people that lie to me.
I hate people that lie to themselves.
I hate being tired.
I hate feeling irritated and grumpy.
I hate PMS, & periods.
I hate birth control pills.
I hate condoms.
I hate medications.
I hate insurance companies.
I hate Verizon.
I hate Wal-mart.
---------------------------------------------------
COMMENTS
I never comment on your blogs because we talk about them before I usually read them. I don't know why you get so mad about me telling someone they look nice when they change their hair. I don't know why you get so upset and jealous sometimes. You're the only woman in my life. You need to see that. I want you, no one else. But I do have friends and that's all they are. I love you.
Posted by Chris on Monday, May 29, 2006 at 9:18 PM
I'm Back
It came to my attention, that MySpace isn't the place for my blogging. So everything important will be moved back here. So if the posts seem out of wack, that is why.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Gosh...
I wanted to say God, but I use that word.. .way too much.
I never seem to blog here anymore.
I've been busy. I use myspace more, than I come here.
I'm a myspace addict
I met a new man. He seems great, cute, funny... u know, all that. I've been thru so much man drama lately, though. I hate it. We both seem to want the same things, only we are in no rush. If it is meant to be, it will be, and if I know he truely wants to be with me, I'll be fine with it.
I have so many trust issues though. Before we started dating, I logged into his account, on myspace so that I could do his page for him. ( it looks nice too, btw)... and I wrote the password down. I snooped and checked his email. I've done it a million times since. I wonder if he notices, he's not stupid, so he should. But, he never says anything. He says, if I feel guilty, then I should just stop doing it. I don't feel guilty anymore. I still wonder if it bothers him. I feel like even if I did something that bothered him, he wouldn't tell me.
He's so in love with me. I'm starting to fall for him, but this is so different for me. I'm scared. I'm tired of games, and stuff.
I mostly am nosy, cuz this girl, who, was on one of my ex's page, well i clicked on her page, and i saw CM. CM, has this big beautiful smile, it caught my eye, and so I emailed him. We started chatting and became friends.
Then I started dating, JW.. who lived in Florida, so it wasn't really a real relationship, but we really clicked, and I still care for him alot. He kept saying he wanted the same things as me, but it became obvious he wasn't ready, when he couldn't make plans to meet me. I wanted to meet as soon as we were able. He was ok with waiting till September. I want a real relationship. I want someone to touch.... And he was ok with us being long distance. This didn't fly with me.
So, somehow after me and JW decided to take a break, CM & I started talking on the phone. It was great, fun, enjoyable. We talked about meeting. I so wanted to just go down there the whole weekend, and spend time with him, but he was busy. That and I had a dinner plan with my aunt. Well I asked him, if I came down could I see him for a bit. He, I think, changed his plans to spend time with me. We were together like about 5 hours. Kissing, cuddling, holding each other, and talking. It was great. He was such a gentleman. I loved it.
So, I do have plans for the future. I hope CM and I stay together, and things work out, not being able to spend time together sucks, especially since he seems to work alot on the weekends.
Oh, about my plans, I hope by the end of the year I have a college picked out, and plans to move, I'm thinking I want to start back in the Spring, but I'm thinking of delaying it till next fall. Depends. I hate moving my daughter in the middle of the year. We will see. I need to get out on my own.
On another note. Grrrr.. Lisa was so right about Sprint. Second time in one month that i got my phone shut off. Pisses me off. I apparently talked to my bf, for 7 minutes too long, and it added five dollars for my 50 minutees, and well, that put me over my account spending limit of 125. Next month won't be so bad, but I have all those fees on there. This drives me crazy. Right now, I'm waiting for the payment to go thru.
I'm no so stressed today. I got some sleep last nite. About 2 hours before my bf came home, then we talked for a while and i got like 3 or 4 more. I need to start going to bed earlier. I don't want to give up our time.. though. I need to start limiting it though, because I'll become sleep deprived if I don't. I don't need any other stress in my life.
My friend D. got hired here. I'm excited for him, and for the bonus I'll get. He starts out at 26,000, plus shift dif, and commission. He will be working on the Car Insurance side. I wish I could refer all my friends. Most people I know, live a bit away, and don't want to drive. This is the first company, I've worked for that paid me what I feel like I'm worth for the skills that I have. One of his so called friends though, stated that I was using him, because I wanted him to get hired, so i could get the bonus. Sure thats great, but if I didn't like this company, I wouldn't refer him. Just in my dept, well, Its stressful because of the customer base that we work with. Its too emotional for me.
Well, I got to go enjoy my lunch, see if my phone works, etc.
Hopefully I will start writing here more, it diffinately helps my mood, and helps me destress. So much has been going on lately, its not funny. I'd write a whole nother book, just talking about the past two weeks of my life.
2 Weeks in the Life of Jae Ann.........
lmao
I never seem to blog here anymore.
I've been busy. I use myspace more, than I come here.
I'm a myspace addict
I met a new man. He seems great, cute, funny... u know, all that. I've been thru so much man drama lately, though. I hate it. We both seem to want the same things, only we are in no rush. If it is meant to be, it will be, and if I know he truely wants to be with me, I'll be fine with it.
I have so many trust issues though. Before we started dating, I logged into his account, on myspace so that I could do his page for him. ( it looks nice too, btw)... and I wrote the password down. I snooped and checked his email. I've done it a million times since. I wonder if he notices, he's not stupid, so he should. But, he never says anything. He says, if I feel guilty, then I should just stop doing it. I don't feel guilty anymore. I still wonder if it bothers him. I feel like even if I did something that bothered him, he wouldn't tell me.
He's so in love with me. I'm starting to fall for him, but this is so different for me. I'm scared. I'm tired of games, and stuff.
I mostly am nosy, cuz this girl, who, was on one of my ex's page, well i clicked on her page, and i saw CM. CM, has this big beautiful smile, it caught my eye, and so I emailed him. We started chatting and became friends.
Then I started dating, JW.. who lived in Florida, so it wasn't really a real relationship, but we really clicked, and I still care for him alot. He kept saying he wanted the same things as me, but it became obvious he wasn't ready, when he couldn't make plans to meet me. I wanted to meet as soon as we were able. He was ok with waiting till September. I want a real relationship. I want someone to touch.... And he was ok with us being long distance. This didn't fly with me.
So, somehow after me and JW decided to take a break, CM & I started talking on the phone. It was great, fun, enjoyable. We talked about meeting. I so wanted to just go down there the whole weekend, and spend time with him, but he was busy. That and I had a dinner plan with my aunt. Well I asked him, if I came down could I see him for a bit. He, I think, changed his plans to spend time with me. We were together like about 5 hours. Kissing, cuddling, holding each other, and talking. It was great. He was such a gentleman. I loved it.
So, I do have plans for the future. I hope CM and I stay together, and things work out, not being able to spend time together sucks, especially since he seems to work alot on the weekends.
Oh, about my plans, I hope by the end of the year I have a college picked out, and plans to move, I'm thinking I want to start back in the Spring, but I'm thinking of delaying it till next fall. Depends. I hate moving my daughter in the middle of the year. We will see. I need to get out on my own.
On another note. Grrrr.. Lisa was so right about Sprint. Second time in one month that i got my phone shut off. Pisses me off. I apparently talked to my bf, for 7 minutes too long, and it added five dollars for my 50 minutees, and well, that put me over my account spending limit of 125. Next month won't be so bad, but I have all those fees on there. This drives me crazy. Right now, I'm waiting for the payment to go thru.
I'm no so stressed today. I got some sleep last nite. About 2 hours before my bf came home, then we talked for a while and i got like 3 or 4 more. I need to start going to bed earlier. I don't want to give up our time.. though. I need to start limiting it though, because I'll become sleep deprived if I don't. I don't need any other stress in my life.
My friend D. got hired here. I'm excited for him, and for the bonus I'll get. He starts out at 26,000, plus shift dif, and commission. He will be working on the Car Insurance side. I wish I could refer all my friends. Most people I know, live a bit away, and don't want to drive. This is the first company, I've worked for that paid me what I feel like I'm worth for the skills that I have. One of his so called friends though, stated that I was using him, because I wanted him to get hired, so i could get the bonus. Sure thats great, but if I didn't like this company, I wouldn't refer him. Just in my dept, well, Its stressful because of the customer base that we work with. Its too emotional for me.
Well, I got to go enjoy my lunch, see if my phone works, etc.
Hopefully I will start writing here more, it diffinately helps my mood, and helps me destress. So much has been going on lately, its not funny. I'd write a whole nother book, just talking about the past two weeks of my life.
2 Weeks in the Life of Jae Ann.........
lmao
Saturday, March 18, 2006
The Ultimate Purity Test
| Your Ultimate Purity Score Is... | ||
| Category | Your Score | Average |
| Self-Lovin' | 51.7% Explored the pleasures of the flesh | 64.9% |
| Shamelessness | 69% It takes a couple of drinks | 79% |
| Sex Drive | 86.8% The Pope is envious | 77.4% |
| Straightness | 7.1% Knows the other body type like a map | 44.1% |
| Gayness | 76.8% Repressed, are we? | 83.8% |
| Fucking Sick | 92% Refreshingly normal | 90% |
| You are 63.94% pure Average Score: 72.5% | ||
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
So many more...
Thoughts I want to post, but I don't know where to even start.
It gets sooo soo complicated. So filled with emotion.
I realize so much. (It started with a conversation with a great friend last nite) About me, and men and relationships, and sex. I always have sex too early in the relationship, and I know this. I also knew that I used sex to fill my lonelyness, the lonelyness I wanted to be filled with love. So I got upset, but I knew exactly what he was saying.
The same thing comes up in group today. Four of us women, all have similiar relationships with men. All have sex way too much, and don't receive love in return.
I finally found the man of my dreams. The one that shows me more love than I ever feel I deserve & I fuck it up, by having sex with him, knowing already that he doesn't love me. At least not like that. I wish he'd just look at why. Maybe he is, but he never brings it up. If I bring it up, he'll talk a bit, but we don't get anywhere. What is it, that makes him not love me? Why? We are so fucking happy when we are together. He acts like I've made him the happiest. He acts like he wish he'd met me a long time ago. He acts like he loves being with me. He acts like he loves loving me. He acts like he cares. But his words out or his mouth come different. I keep thinking, is it all about him thinking he'll hurt me? I don't think it could be that, it may be a factor.. but since he won't talk to me about it. I don't know. All I know is I am confused. How can someone show me so much love, and not want to be with me. I think we'd be good together. Not sure it would be so long term, but thats because of all the shit I've dealt with with men lately.
I'm so angry with the last one too. I'm so angry, if he was here I'd slap him. He betrayed me. I prommised he'd never walk out. and he did.
So how do I handle this? I'm normally being so needy. I still feel that way, but I'm trying to take a step back. He seems to not mind me being in his space, but I am not going to intrude any longer. I know he cares for me & if he wants me, which he doesn't, he knows where to find me. I can't call him. It hurts too much. I love him, and I want him to want me. I know I can't make him, but I can't keep going to him, knowing how much it will hurt later on, when he dumps me for some stupid.. little girl. I am a woman, and I would be good to him, and if he doesn't want that, I can't make him want me. I wish I could though. I'm tired of thinking of the girls he's been with, all are girls, technically. They didn't know how to be a real woman. They played games with him, and because he has a big heart, he fell for them. I know he likes me because I'm me, but I wish he could love me.. the way I want to be.
The way I want to be loved by him. Maybe wishing he had the feelings towards me that he did them is wrong, but I want it in a way, although I think they just maybe those giddy loving.. feelings. The ones that make you lust after someone. I, and this is just my opinon.... that he hasn't experience what it feels like to be loved, truely loved, by a woman.. until me. Its scary. So fucking scary. I feel almost the same. I cry at night.. thinking.... why can't things be different...
Things will be just the way they are ment to be I guess. I just have to accept that. I just feel so close to him. And everytime I think about me and him just being friends, I get angry because he said he'd do more for me if we were dating. I've never had a guy do anything for me.. for any reason really.. .much less we were dating... I've never been taken care of the way I want to be. I'm always the one that makes sure that my love is being taken care of. I give all my love to the one I'm with.
I know I do need to be alone with myself for a while, but I don't want to lose him to someone that doesn't deserve his love. Its not for me to judge, but I go thru the same kind of things with the stupid men I date.
Right now, I'm just angry, about my inability, to not try to seduce him to have sex with him. To me it was making love, but I keep thinking, that to him it was just sex, and years from now, he'll compare me to Jen, and that makes me sad. I want to be someone special, that he thinks about as a good part of his life.
I have so much more I could say... but can't right now...
(((I also post on MySpace...)))
It gets sooo soo complicated. So filled with emotion.
I realize so much. (It started with a conversation with a great friend last nite) About me, and men and relationships, and sex. I always have sex too early in the relationship, and I know this. I also knew that I used sex to fill my lonelyness, the lonelyness I wanted to be filled with love. So I got upset, but I knew exactly what he was saying.
The same thing comes up in group today. Four of us women, all have similiar relationships with men. All have sex way too much, and don't receive love in return.
I finally found the man of my dreams. The one that shows me more love than I ever feel I deserve & I fuck it up, by having sex with him, knowing already that he doesn't love me. At least not like that. I wish he'd just look at why. Maybe he is, but he never brings it up. If I bring it up, he'll talk a bit, but we don't get anywhere. What is it, that makes him not love me? Why? We are so fucking happy when we are together. He acts like I've made him the happiest. He acts like he wish he'd met me a long time ago. He acts like he loves being with me. He acts like he loves loving me. He acts like he cares. But his words out or his mouth come different. I keep thinking, is it all about him thinking he'll hurt me? I don't think it could be that, it may be a factor.. but since he won't talk to me about it. I don't know. All I know is I am confused. How can someone show me so much love, and not want to be with me. I think we'd be good together. Not sure it would be so long term, but thats because of all the shit I've dealt with with men lately.
I'm so angry with the last one too. I'm so angry, if he was here I'd slap him. He betrayed me. I prommised he'd never walk out. and he did.
So how do I handle this? I'm normally being so needy. I still feel that way, but I'm trying to take a step back. He seems to not mind me being in his space, but I am not going to intrude any longer. I know he cares for me & if he wants me, which he doesn't, he knows where to find me. I can't call him. It hurts too much. I love him, and I want him to want me. I know I can't make him, but I can't keep going to him, knowing how much it will hurt later on, when he dumps me for some stupid.. little girl. I am a woman, and I would be good to him, and if he doesn't want that, I can't make him want me. I wish I could though. I'm tired of thinking of the girls he's been with, all are girls, technically. They didn't know how to be a real woman. They played games with him, and because he has a big heart, he fell for them. I know he likes me because I'm me, but I wish he could love me.. the way I want to be.
The way I want to be loved by him. Maybe wishing he had the feelings towards me that he did them is wrong, but I want it in a way, although I think they just maybe those giddy loving.. feelings. The ones that make you lust after someone. I, and this is just my opinon.... that he hasn't experience what it feels like to be loved, truely loved, by a woman.. until me. Its scary. So fucking scary. I feel almost the same. I cry at night.. thinking.... why can't things be different...
Things will be just the way they are ment to be I guess. I just have to accept that. I just feel so close to him. And everytime I think about me and him just being friends, I get angry because he said he'd do more for me if we were dating. I've never had a guy do anything for me.. for any reason really.. .much less we were dating... I've never been taken care of the way I want to be. I'm always the one that makes sure that my love is being taken care of. I give all my love to the one I'm with.
I know I do need to be alone with myself for a while, but I don't want to lose him to someone that doesn't deserve his love. Its not for me to judge, but I go thru the same kind of things with the stupid men I date.
Right now, I'm just angry, about my inability, to not try to seduce him to have sex with him. To me it was making love, but I keep thinking, that to him it was just sex, and years from now, he'll compare me to Jen, and that makes me sad. I want to be someone special, that he thinks about as a good part of his life.
I have so much more I could say... but can't right now...
(((I also post on MySpace...)))
Monday, March 13, 2006
I never
seem to post here anymore.
I wanted to post this quiz though. I would of posted it on myspace, but I don't like the girl that I got it from her page.
That and I just found out she's fucking single again, and she better not mess with my Valentine, or I will hunt her down and kick her ass. I hope if she tries, his love for her, doesn't suck him in. He deserves someone so much better. I'm not saying that because I'm in love with him. I'm saying it because he doesn't deserve to be hurt by her, and he deserves someone so much better, prettier, sexier, smarter, and more loyal. She seems like a slut to me. I hate all that she stands for.
Anyway.. The Quiz.. I found it interesting..
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
I wanted to post this quiz though. I would of posted it on myspace, but I don't like the girl that I got it from her page.
That and I just found out she's fucking single again, and she better not mess with my Valentine, or I will hunt her down and kick her ass. I hope if she tries, his love for her, doesn't suck him in. He deserves someone so much better. I'm not saying that because I'm in love with him. I'm saying it because he doesn't deserve to be hurt by her, and he deserves someone so much better, prettier, sexier, smarter, and more loyal. She seems like a slut to me. I hate all that she stands for.
Anyway.. The Quiz.. I found it interesting..
| Advanced Global Personality Test Results
|
personality tests by similarminds.com
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Well....
Don't really write here anymore, but I should, then I know, only 1 person who will read it. Noone really seems to care regardless, but I know my best friend, Lisa will read this.
I had a wonderful Valentines Day, with my dear sweet friend, and spent most of my bday with my best friend Shannon. It was more than I could of imagined. Then I come home, and feel like shit.
Then I go up north and visit my family, and that was good too, I miss it.
Then I come back here, and I could kill. I want to kill him, (My aunts fiance), I want to kill myself. I want to kill anyone that pisses me off. I hate, I have anger. & now, I'm so lonely and scared and frustrated, I can't deal with this.
I'm physically sick. I've had a migraine on and off for over a week. Today I had a fever, and a stomache since about 5 o'clock.
I wish when I go over to my bed in a few minutes, I never wake up, but it would never happen to me, I think I was meant to be hurt and tortured. I just want to die, and I think only my weakness stops me now.
Well thats not totally true. I am reminded of my promise to my daughter, but that doesn't include self injury, and now I am obsessing about that as well.
HELP ME. I feel so alone. I can't call anyone, so my list doesn't do me any good... My aunt... oh just so conviently forgot to pay the cell bill.
FUCK HER, FUCK HIM.. FUCK YOU ALL..
I'm so angry right now, I just want someone I love to hold me... ie: Lisa, Shannon, Darian, Sunny, or even my Valentine........ anyone else... I pretty much want to go away. I can't stand interaction, and it angers me even more.
I had a wonderful Valentines Day, with my dear sweet friend, and spent most of my bday with my best friend Shannon. It was more than I could of imagined. Then I come home, and feel like shit.
Then I go up north and visit my family, and that was good too, I miss it.
Then I come back here, and I could kill. I want to kill him, (My aunts fiance), I want to kill myself. I want to kill anyone that pisses me off. I hate, I have anger. & now, I'm so lonely and scared and frustrated, I can't deal with this.
I'm physically sick. I've had a migraine on and off for over a week. Today I had a fever, and a stomache since about 5 o'clock.
I wish when I go over to my bed in a few minutes, I never wake up, but it would never happen to me, I think I was meant to be hurt and tortured. I just want to die, and I think only my weakness stops me now.
Well thats not totally true. I am reminded of my promise to my daughter, but that doesn't include self injury, and now I am obsessing about that as well.
HELP ME. I feel so alone. I can't call anyone, so my list doesn't do me any good... My aunt... oh just so conviently forgot to pay the cell bill.
FUCK HER, FUCK HIM.. FUCK YOU ALL..
I'm so angry right now, I just want someone I love to hold me... ie: Lisa, Shannon, Darian, Sunny, or even my Valentine........ anyone else... I pretty much want to go away. I can't stand interaction, and it angers me even more.
Monday, February 13, 2006
My letter to him...
I love you, Danny. This will always be true. I don't hate you, nor will I ever. I just pray that you find your faith again, and that he shows you the way. You deserve true happiness, and I feel you let things overcome that. Have faith in yourself. I will always have faith in you.
I know you don't seem to like that I said, basically that you have a drinking problem. I say things because i'm concerned and I don't want you to find out the hard way like I did. I felt like I lost my life when I got a dui, and every time, even though, my record is sealed. Every time I have to bring it up, I feel that regret in my life. As a child, it almost killed my brother. Recently it almost killed him again. I have parents that don't give a shit. Don't become that type of person. Alcohol can control you without you knowing. Ask yourself. WHy do you drink? does that hangover feel good? is it worth it? I worry about you, I worry about your brother. Think to yourself... that car you hit.. think, what if that was a person. Would it be worth, risking drinking and driving.. ??? Think of what you'd lose if you did get caught. Think of the same for your brother.
Again, I only say this because I care.
I love you Danny, and as much as I am hurting, I am more concerned about you. I've gotten past these types of things before. My heart will heal in time. I've learned much from being with you. I've grown. I'm thankful to have met you. I finally opened myself up to many things. Things I will continue to grow from.
After you graduate, take some time, to really think about your life, and what you are really looking for. Please, if you aren't sure what you want, and you meet a wonderful woman, don't tell her.. until you spend some time together. I know I get hooked too fast. And I get carried away with the fantasy, of what I want. A husband, a family, its something I've desired for a long time. Take your time. Realize when you are trying to run away. I still feel that is what you've done in our relationship. I know my illness didn't help. I know in my heart, I did drive you crazy, and upset you at times. FOr me.. though, all the goodness... in our relationship outweighed the bad. I woudn't give it up for the world. Ever.
I love you Danny, and remember you can call me anytime you want. If you are worried, or lonely, or just wanting to see how I'm doing.. you can. I would love that. But I will do ok. I always am, remember you told.. me.. yourself. I am a strong woman. I will survive,and now I have even more faith.
Just always love like you've never been hurt before. I'll always love with my all, and expect nothing less in return. One of my faults. I want it all.
You will find what you are looking for in life. And I'm sad its not me, but believe me, I understand to a degree. I've broken some hearts, and knowing I never did it to hurt the other. I just needed something different than they had, and I knew overall, I wouldn't be happy with them.
Don't beat yourself up. Over this, or other mistakes you've made.
I love you.
Julie Ann
I know you don't seem to like that I said, basically that you have a drinking problem. I say things because i'm concerned and I don't want you to find out the hard way like I did. I felt like I lost my life when I got a dui, and every time, even though, my record is sealed. Every time I have to bring it up, I feel that regret in my life. As a child, it almost killed my brother. Recently it almost killed him again. I have parents that don't give a shit. Don't become that type of person. Alcohol can control you without you knowing. Ask yourself. WHy do you drink? does that hangover feel good? is it worth it? I worry about you, I worry about your brother. Think to yourself... that car you hit.. think, what if that was a person. Would it be worth, risking drinking and driving.. ??? Think of what you'd lose if you did get caught. Think of the same for your brother.
Again, I only say this because I care.
I love you Danny, and as much as I am hurting, I am more concerned about you. I've gotten past these types of things before. My heart will heal in time. I've learned much from being with you. I've grown. I'm thankful to have met you. I finally opened myself up to many things. Things I will continue to grow from.
After you graduate, take some time, to really think about your life, and what you are really looking for. Please, if you aren't sure what you want, and you meet a wonderful woman, don't tell her.. until you spend some time together. I know I get hooked too fast. And I get carried away with the fantasy, of what I want. A husband, a family, its something I've desired for a long time. Take your time. Realize when you are trying to run away. I still feel that is what you've done in our relationship. I know my illness didn't help. I know in my heart, I did drive you crazy, and upset you at times. FOr me.. though, all the goodness... in our relationship outweighed the bad. I woudn't give it up for the world. Ever.
I love you Danny, and remember you can call me anytime you want. If you are worried, or lonely, or just wanting to see how I'm doing.. you can. I would love that. But I will do ok. I always am, remember you told.. me.. yourself. I am a strong woman. I will survive,and now I have even more faith.
Just always love like you've never been hurt before. I'll always love with my all, and expect nothing less in return. One of my faults. I want it all.
You will find what you are looking for in life. And I'm sad its not me, but believe me, I understand to a degree. I've broken some hearts, and knowing I never did it to hurt the other. I just needed something different than they had, and I knew overall, I wouldn't be happy with them.
Don't beat yourself up. Over this, or other mistakes you've made.
I love you.
Julie Ann
Lost but Healing
I lost him. I made him my world. That is how I love, with my all. I am not over this, nor will I fully be, because I have learned many valuable lessons. Lessons I will never forget.
My heart aches for the pain, and the loss. I only hope he can find his way. I know in time I will, I just need patience. The pain is too much at times, but I feel it. I don't like it, but I'm dealing with it. I'm looking for support from my friends, from my family, the ones that are always there.
I've heard too many times, I love you, I want to marry you. I will fully believe this, when I feel no doubts. When the man has the ring, and puts in on my finger. I'm not talking about a diamond. I hate diamonds, but my man will know that.
That and many other quirks I have. He will know that I need him to make love to me, with his all. I need him to make love to me, with his mouth and his hands, and his flesh, all this without intercourse.
I need a man that will accept me as I am, and love me that way. But will be able to deal with me as I change. Who will try to support me, as I will him. I want a man that won't give up on me, no matter how bad it looks, or who won't give up on us. I want a man, that knows what commitment is, and is always motivated to do the right thing.
I want a man with passion. Passion for me, passion for life, passion to make a difference.
I have faith, I will find him. Or... shall I say.. Actually.. He shall find me.
My heart aches for the pain, and the loss. I only hope he can find his way. I know in time I will, I just need patience. The pain is too much at times, but I feel it. I don't like it, but I'm dealing with it. I'm looking for support from my friends, from my family, the ones that are always there.
I've heard too many times, I love you, I want to marry you. I will fully believe this, when I feel no doubts. When the man has the ring, and puts in on my finger. I'm not talking about a diamond. I hate diamonds, but my man will know that.
That and many other quirks I have. He will know that I need him to make love to me, with his all. I need him to make love to me, with his mouth and his hands, and his flesh, all this without intercourse.
I need a man that will accept me as I am, and love me that way. But will be able to deal with me as I change. Who will try to support me, as I will him. I want a man that won't give up on me, no matter how bad it looks, or who won't give up on us. I want a man, that knows what commitment is, and is always motivated to do the right thing.
I want a man with passion. Passion for me, passion for life, passion to make a difference.
I have faith, I will find him. Or... shall I say.. Actually.. He shall find me.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Loving Him
Is bringing faith into my life. I feel things, I've never felt before. I more than ever want to find faith. I more than ever want to make a difference in the world. I have hope for the future. I still have my worries, but hopefully in the next few months, they will calm.
In therapy, because of something that he said to me, I opened to my therapist my need to discuss my past, the past that is haunting me. That is what we are working on next week.
I am having more inspirations. I want to lose weight, not just to feel more beautiful, but to feel on the outside what I am feeling on the inside. I want to be so beautiful on my wedding day. I want him to always look at me, and know that all the men around him are envious. Not only because I am beautiful, but because I am the total package. Sexy, intelligent, loyal, loving & couragous. He told me I am strong. I know I am, but I forget. I needed reminded.
I thank God for the strength I've had. I know many have worse lives, and I hope one day to have more strength to help those that need someone to lean on.
"Lean on me" thats me and my best friends song. I think she is the only one in the world that shares that special song with me.
I've been up talking to an ex, a friend, one who needs God in his life. He always had so much faith. He was there, in my heart when I tried to kill myself. He was one of the reasons I changed my mind about my death. I came closer than I ever had.
Never again.
I will never again, attempt such things. I am glad they barely cross my mind. My daughter so far in her life, has never doubted my love. That is something I find important. My therapist said to me... " if you killed urself, it is something that would happen, she would doubt your love towards her." I could never do that to her. I could never put her thru what I go thru every day. Doubting the love my parents have for me. I think I will always doubt it... though hopefully one day I will be ok with it.
Many love me.... and I know this....
Darian
My Grammy
My Aunt Sally
My love, Danny
My best friend, Shannon
My other best friend, Lisa
My kitties, Babe, Callie & Phoenix - Animals love unconditional like children
& I know everyone on this list loves me unconditionally... and despite any angry they ever felt towards me.. ( or frustration) their love always continued, and I never doubted it....
I know many others love me, but because of my personality and mood disorders, if you aren't there for me, I forget. I know in my mind, that u are there, dispite, but my emotions take over, and I go wild with doubt. These people on my list (and Danny being new... and maybe I will lose that faith, but I hope not.. ) never gave me that feeling, that doubt... that emotional trama....
And its something I need.
Thank you, God. I hope one day, I will feel that you love me unconditionally... and if not, I know you know that I'm trying. My faith is weak, but I shall yet, seek and find my truth.
In therapy, because of something that he said to me, I opened to my therapist my need to discuss my past, the past that is haunting me. That is what we are working on next week.
I am having more inspirations. I want to lose weight, not just to feel more beautiful, but to feel on the outside what I am feeling on the inside. I want to be so beautiful on my wedding day. I want him to always look at me, and know that all the men around him are envious. Not only because I am beautiful, but because I am the total package. Sexy, intelligent, loyal, loving & couragous. He told me I am strong. I know I am, but I forget. I needed reminded.
I thank God for the strength I've had. I know many have worse lives, and I hope one day to have more strength to help those that need someone to lean on.
"Lean on me" thats me and my best friends song. I think she is the only one in the world that shares that special song with me.
I've been up talking to an ex, a friend, one who needs God in his life. He always had so much faith. He was there, in my heart when I tried to kill myself. He was one of the reasons I changed my mind about my death. I came closer than I ever had.
Never again.
I will never again, attempt such things. I am glad they barely cross my mind. My daughter so far in her life, has never doubted my love. That is something I find important. My therapist said to me... " if you killed urself, it is something that would happen, she would doubt your love towards her." I could never do that to her. I could never put her thru what I go thru every day. Doubting the love my parents have for me. I think I will always doubt it... though hopefully one day I will be ok with it.
Many love me.... and I know this....
Darian
My Grammy
My Aunt Sally
My love, Danny
My best friend, Shannon
My other best friend, Lisa
My kitties, Babe, Callie & Phoenix - Animals love unconditional like children
& I know everyone on this list loves me unconditionally... and despite any angry they ever felt towards me.. ( or frustration) their love always continued, and I never doubted it....
I know many others love me, but because of my personality and mood disorders, if you aren't there for me, I forget. I know in my mind, that u are there, dispite, but my emotions take over, and I go wild with doubt. These people on my list (and Danny being new... and maybe I will lose that faith, but I hope not.. ) never gave me that feeling, that doubt... that emotional trama....
And its something I need.
Thank you, God. I hope one day, I will feel that you love me unconditionally... and if not, I know you know that I'm trying. My faith is weak, but I shall yet, seek and find my truth.
Monday, January 16, 2006
The Last Month - The New Year
So much has happened in the last month, I'm not even sure where to begin.
A little over a month ago, I met D., Well, started talking to him online. He emailed me thru hotornot. After emailing back and forth a few days, I asked if we could talk on the phone, and he gave me his number. We've talked ever day since. We met over New Years Weekend. We fell in love before we met, but held it back until we met. It was wonderful. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. It felt great. He's a handsome, sweet attractive man. I adore him. I want to marry him. Yes, I've been talking to him for a month, and I want to marry him.
The first nite I went down to Baltimore I ended up staying at his house. He lives with his parents, so they fixed up a guest bed for me. I love D, and part of the reason I feel I love him more, is because I know its not about sex. We haven't had sex yet. We've fooled around a little bit, and even slept in the same bed more than once, but we haven't made love. I know it will be good once we do, but it doesn't seem that important.
His smile makes me melt, the way he looks at me. I told him yesterday, I didn't see passion between us, and although I can say that, I am not sure how to describe it. I'm not sure how passion exists without sex, because I've never had that. I feel comfort in him. I feel comfort with him. We have alot in common, despite all of the differences in the way we have been raised. We both love music, him a bit more than me, but he actually has musical talent. Both love Harleys... :) Both Love Girly Mags ;) lol, fhm, playboy.. etc... *giggles*. The fact that we both enjoy learning, and like to help people is a big thing I love that we have in common. He's already an electrician. (he's 26 like me), and now he's in the academy, and is going to be a police officer. I find it amazing. He likes to watch some of the same types of movies as me... he's very open, and accepting. We have a similar sense of humor, believer family is important, and love kids.
I wonder about the future though, and wonder if all my hopes, our hopes will come true. I've already changed something about my future, and my therapist thinks its strictly because of a man. Thing is, in a way it is, but if I would of found out about the tranferability of this course, in regards to moving elsewhere I'd drop it as well. I dropped it because I want to move to Maryland so D, and I can be together. Is this wrong? I don't really want to move, but I couldn't ask him to, he's settled in that, thats where is job is. My job is changable. I don't feel like I'm giving up anything though, I feel like I'm going to make my future better. I feel like D., and I will be working on something good together. I feel like people judge me harshly because I have a mental illness. So yes, I know I can't depend on a man to make me happy, and I don't expect that, its just I do want someone to share my life with. I want someone to help, that can help me. I don't think anyone should have to be alone. I want a family.
I want to type so much more, but I have too many thoughts in my head right now to really figure it all out.
A little over a month ago, I met D., Well, started talking to him online. He emailed me thru hotornot. After emailing back and forth a few days, I asked if we could talk on the phone, and he gave me his number. We've talked ever day since. We met over New Years Weekend. We fell in love before we met, but held it back until we met. It was wonderful. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. It felt great. He's a handsome, sweet attractive man. I adore him. I want to marry him. Yes, I've been talking to him for a month, and I want to marry him.
The first nite I went down to Baltimore I ended up staying at his house. He lives with his parents, so they fixed up a guest bed for me. I love D, and part of the reason I feel I love him more, is because I know its not about sex. We haven't had sex yet. We've fooled around a little bit, and even slept in the same bed more than once, but we haven't made love. I know it will be good once we do, but it doesn't seem that important.
His smile makes me melt, the way he looks at me. I told him yesterday, I didn't see passion between us, and although I can say that, I am not sure how to describe it. I'm not sure how passion exists without sex, because I've never had that. I feel comfort in him. I feel comfort with him. We have alot in common, despite all of the differences in the way we have been raised. We both love music, him a bit more than me, but he actually has musical talent. Both love Harleys... :) Both Love Girly Mags ;) lol, fhm, playboy.. etc... *giggles*. The fact that we both enjoy learning, and like to help people is a big thing I love that we have in common. He's already an electrician. (he's 26 like me), and now he's in the academy, and is going to be a police officer. I find it amazing. He likes to watch some of the same types of movies as me... he's very open, and accepting. We have a similar sense of humor, believer family is important, and love kids.
I wonder about the future though, and wonder if all my hopes, our hopes will come true. I've already changed something about my future, and my therapist thinks its strictly because of a man. Thing is, in a way it is, but if I would of found out about the tranferability of this course, in regards to moving elsewhere I'd drop it as well. I dropped it because I want to move to Maryland so D, and I can be together. Is this wrong? I don't really want to move, but I couldn't ask him to, he's settled in that, thats where is job is. My job is changable. I don't feel like I'm giving up anything though, I feel like I'm going to make my future better. I feel like D., and I will be working on something good together. I feel like people judge me harshly because I have a mental illness. So yes, I know I can't depend on a man to make me happy, and I don't expect that, its just I do want someone to share my life with. I want someone to help, that can help me. I don't think anyone should have to be alone. I want a family.
I want to type so much more, but I have too many thoughts in my head right now to really figure it all out.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Rage
Jealousy creates my rage, in life, in relationships, in almost everything I do.
I wrote some things on my myspace page that were try, but I'm trying to deduct why am I doing them? I know they are self destructive. I know they are harmful to me. I know they may cause me to do something I don't really intend to do. I'm heading down that path again. I know how to stop. And I know I will. But what makes me continue what I'm doing?
It feels good. But in a bad way. I'm not happy at this moment... why? because I'm not high. Because I'm not drunk, cuz I'm not smoking....
I want to rewind back three weeks ago. I want that feeling. I had it, and I will have it again.
Chemicals create Kaos...
Speaking of that, I finally understood something about T.
T. and his band... Today I got an email about two of the members leaving Stuck in Kaos.. a band I like... I read one's blog about why he was doing it... and how he focused only on the band so long, he wanted to fix things with the ones he loved.... because the band became more than just a love.... and he wasn't happy with it any longer.
Well in regards to T. I was always upset because I never was a priority... but now I can believe that, and I may have already that... it was so true he cares for me, and wants to give me time, he just doesn't have it. I always felt like I was never important to him because MySpace, and HotorNOt, and the web and computers in general took up most of his time. I'd see comments on his myspace page about him hanging with this person or that person, or the band, and it enraged me, that those people were that important to him, and I wasn't. I couldn't figure it out. I understand just a tiny bit more now, but still not completely. I could never love music as much as I love T.
People never can compete with something else. I love to give and get affections and you can't get that from music. I take that back.... you can, you can get it from the attention, I guess like my internet and attention addiction. I'm addicted to the attention of good looking men, despite whether I think they are worth a dime or not.
I wrote some things on my myspace page that were try, but I'm trying to deduct why am I doing them? I know they are self destructive. I know they are harmful to me. I know they may cause me to do something I don't really intend to do. I'm heading down that path again. I know how to stop. And I know I will. But what makes me continue what I'm doing?
It feels good. But in a bad way. I'm not happy at this moment... why? because I'm not high. Because I'm not drunk, cuz I'm not smoking....
I want to rewind back three weeks ago. I want that feeling. I had it, and I will have it again.
Chemicals create Kaos...
Speaking of that, I finally understood something about T.
T. and his band... Today I got an email about two of the members leaving Stuck in Kaos.. a band I like... I read one's blog about why he was doing it... and how he focused only on the band so long, he wanted to fix things with the ones he loved.... because the band became more than just a love.... and he wasn't happy with it any longer.
Well in regards to T. I was always upset because I never was a priority... but now I can believe that, and I may have already that... it was so true he cares for me, and wants to give me time, he just doesn't have it. I always felt like I was never important to him because MySpace, and HotorNOt, and the web and computers in general took up most of his time. I'd see comments on his myspace page about him hanging with this person or that person, or the band, and it enraged me, that those people were that important to him, and I wasn't. I couldn't figure it out. I understand just a tiny bit more now, but still not completely. I could never love music as much as I love T.
People never can compete with something else. I love to give and get affections and you can't get that from music. I take that back.... you can, you can get it from the attention, I guess like my internet and attention addiction. I'm addicted to the attention of good looking men, despite whether I think they are worth a dime or not.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Psychology Analysis
Psychology Analysis, analyses .....
Being Psychotic is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.
Ex: You call my daughter's name... "Darian...."
again... "Darian...."..... "Darian..."...."DARIIAN".....
"HELLO.....DARIAN!!!"... and expect her to answer.
My thought today was.. why should that work. Its not realistic. I mentioned this to my therapist. Her thought on that was to compare that to me, and CG... and how I don't want to stay away from him. I could. I would. But... I don't want to. He doesn't "hurt" me per say...
My emotions towards him, are what kills me. My jealousy.
Being Psychotic is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.
Ex: You call my daughter's name... "Darian...."
again... "Darian...."..... "Darian..."...."DARIIAN".....
"HELLO.....DARIAN!!!"... and expect her to answer.
My thought today was.. why should that work. Its not realistic. I mentioned this to my therapist. Her thought on that was to compare that to me, and CG... and how I don't want to stay away from him. I could. I would. But... I don't want to. He doesn't "hurt" me per say...
My emotions towards him, are what kills me. My jealousy.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Fucked up
School is almost done.
Thank God, I need a rest.
I've been behind on my work, although its all turned out well.
I'm tired of men, and of choices.
I want a husband, I want to settle down,
I want something real, something tangible,
something, something I'm not sure I will ever have.
I live too much in the past. I need to focus on the future.
I had suicidal thoughts this week. Destructive, disgusting ones, ones I've never had before. Are they realistic? No. Are they scary? YES!
I've not been feeling well, I've had a stomache type problem lately. Hopefully things will work out with it soon. My stomache is already feeling better today.
Thank God, I need a rest.
I've been behind on my work, although its all turned out well.
I'm tired of men, and of choices.
I want a husband, I want to settle down,
I want something real, something tangible,
something, something I'm not sure I will ever have.
I live too much in the past. I need to focus on the future.
I had suicidal thoughts this week. Destructive, disgusting ones, ones I've never had before. Are they realistic? No. Are they scary? YES!
I've not been feeling well, I've had a stomache type problem lately. Hopefully things will work out with it soon. My stomache is already feeling better today.
Friday, November 25, 2005
On My Desk....
Is a fortune cookie fortune. It says... "You will come to realizations in you life that change you forever" .....
I had that up there for a long time, and then one day I looked at it again. That was a few months ago, or maybe a little longer, when I first came to some realizations about my life.
Last nite I came to another one.
The men that want me, or that I want, either physically or mentally or emotionally... I don't really want them. I want them for one reason or another, but as a whole, I can't be with them. Mostly because of my mental/emotional health, but at this point, I can't ever see me building a life with any of them. For one reason or another, I don't trust most of them, I won't say all. A lot of them have habits, or lifestyles, that they don't for the most part bring here in front of me, but that I can't tolerate in my lifestyle. I would never ask them to stop those behaviours, because that isn't my call, but I don't want someone I love involved in anything like that.
Today, A.A., my friend asked me how my boyfriend was, I replied, " what boyfriend, or should I say which one?" I am not sure what made me say this, but to an extent its true. All these men chase after me, or want me, whether to build a relationship or just for sex, and although I feel good when I'm with them, they usually aren't there either physically, (they live far away), or emotionally.... They have their own lives, which I'm not involved in.
Its sad but true, and now, I just have to find the strength to let go and move on completely, because as they don't want to intentionally hurt me, I don't want to hurt them, and continueing with my behaviours, leads people to think things, besides what I mean.
I had that up there for a long time, and then one day I looked at it again. That was a few months ago, or maybe a little longer, when I first came to some realizations about my life.
Last nite I came to another one.
The men that want me, or that I want, either physically or mentally or emotionally... I don't really want them. I want them for one reason or another, but as a whole, I can't be with them. Mostly because of my mental/emotional health, but at this point, I can't ever see me building a life with any of them. For one reason or another, I don't trust most of them, I won't say all. A lot of them have habits, or lifestyles, that they don't for the most part bring here in front of me, but that I can't tolerate in my lifestyle. I would never ask them to stop those behaviours, because that isn't my call, but I don't want someone I love involved in anything like that.
Today, A.A., my friend asked me how my boyfriend was, I replied, " what boyfriend, or should I say which one?" I am not sure what made me say this, but to an extent its true. All these men chase after me, or want me, whether to build a relationship or just for sex, and although I feel good when I'm with them, they usually aren't there either physically, (they live far away), or emotionally.... They have their own lives, which I'm not involved in.
Its sad but true, and now, I just have to find the strength to let go and move on completely, because as they don't want to intentionally hurt me, I don't want to hurt them, and continueing with my behaviours, leads people to think things, besides what I mean.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
What... to ... do??
Life is so complicated. I really like him, but I'm afraid. I never had a man, that was so sweet and loving, that....
A. I wasn't madly in love with, instantly.
B. That didn't try to get into my pants
C. That was so young... (21)
D. That is both a good boy, and a bad boy, thats never got caught...
He follows my bad patterns though...
1. He lives with his mom
2. He only has a part time job (although he's going to school)
3. But he's withdrawn from his classes, or just stopped going
He is more concerned that I need to be happy with what I already have...
4. He smokes weed.... and I'm sure done other illegal things...
But regardless... of any of it. Its nice, to have someone so close, (He lives two doors down), but I really need to set my priorities straight... and I hope that I can do this... and still get closer to him, and get to know him... and give it a chance.... instead of running away...
A. I wasn't madly in love with, instantly.
B. That didn't try to get into my pants
C. That was so young... (21)
D. That is both a good boy, and a bad boy, thats never got caught...
He follows my bad patterns though...
1. He lives with his mom
2. He only has a part time job (although he's going to school)
3. But he's withdrawn from his classes, or just stopped going
He is more concerned that I need to be happy with what I already have...
4. He smokes weed.... and I'm sure done other illegal things...
But regardless... of any of it. Its nice, to have someone so close, (He lives two doors down), but I really need to set my priorities straight... and I hope that I can do this... and still get closer to him, and get to know him... and give it a chance.... instead of running away...
Monday, October 31, 2005
Addictions
I have an addiction to attention. I realize why, but I don't know how to change it, and I don't want to completely change it. Thing is, I can't get enough attention from any one person. They are always unavailable in some way. It kills me.
Met a new guy today though, of course, when I was going to school. Exchanged numbers when I stopped at a light going down 422. He was on his way to work. He says he'll call, but we will see. Last guy said that too, but it was prolly cuz he was too drunk to remember who Julie was...
Talked to CJR, last nite, and also to T. Both want to hang out. Looking forward to both, but kind of disappointed, that AJ didn't even call or text me back, after deciding not to come over. I'm not sure he wanted to in the first place. I feel like he maybe talked to me so much, because he wanted to help me.. and the fact that he doesn't want to get involved with me, stems from more than just me being far away. Its only something he can answer.... but... who knows....
Then, EJH ( not sure which initials i used previous...) and had a really beneficial, but an emotional conversation for me.... and stayed up Saturday nite.. way later than we both wanted to, and I fear always that I've scared him away. He seems like a stand up guy, but he's afraid of internet.. dating...
Met a new guy today though, of course, when I was going to school. Exchanged numbers when I stopped at a light going down 422. He was on his way to work. He says he'll call, but we will see. Last guy said that too, but it was prolly cuz he was too drunk to remember who Julie was...
Talked to CJR, last nite, and also to T. Both want to hang out. Looking forward to both, but kind of disappointed, that AJ didn't even call or text me back, after deciding not to come over. I'm not sure he wanted to in the first place. I feel like he maybe talked to me so much, because he wanted to help me.. and the fact that he doesn't want to get involved with me, stems from more than just me being far away. Its only something he can answer.... but... who knows....
Then, EJH ( not sure which initials i used previous...) and had a really beneficial, but an emotional conversation for me.... and stayed up Saturday nite.. way later than we both wanted to, and I fear always that I've scared him away. He seems like a stand up guy, but he's afraid of internet.. dating...
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Another Night...
Of chit chatting with my sweetie... I'll call him that, cuz he's the only one I really talk to lately, and because he is sweet as hell. We both were tired as hell last nite, and he didn't want to fall asleep on me. I asked him questions for a while, the book I have - 4,000 Questions To Get To Know Anybody and Everybody.... So I asked him questions from there, and regular questions, and I believe we talked about two hours.
I should of been doing homework, well reading Chapter 6 for my Macroeconomics class, but I didn't.... but I will be doing that probably tommorrow nite. I do have to prioritize, but he's the thing that makes me the most happy lately. I have many other guys that I usually talk to, but since I've started talking to him on the phone, I barely contact them. I'm supposed to meet CJR, on Sunday, but I'm not sure I want to. I'm sure he's a good guy, just I know what he has to offer, is not what I'm looking for.
But....
I'm not really sure what AJ's intentions are either.... I know he likes me, and thinks I'm cute, but... I'm not sure what kind of feelings he has for me. I know my feelings are too intense, and I need to keep them in check. I actually miss him, thru the day, and wish I could just call and say hi. When I think that though, I feel like I'm being obsessive, and that he will get sick of me, and at some point, not talk to me again.
I'm stupid, I im'd CG yesterday, when I was being bored, and was im'ing alot of people I know... and he im'd back, complainin about his life, and then saying he wasn't with anyone. He was supposed to be with me, but he ignored me for like 3 days, and I said that I'm not putting up with that shit. Fuck him. I was in love with him, but after all the shit that happened over that weekend, I just wish he'd go fuck himself. I still love him, and always will, but I could never be with him, and I surely don't want to build a life with him. I don't need that type of person in my life, he's a criminal, a liar, a cheater, a sneak, a former drug addict, & I don't think he's a very good parent. My opinions yes.... but, this is my angryness showing thru.
I deserve a good man, that has goals and dreams, and wants to make those dreams reality. I want a handsome sexy man, with nice teeth, that will love me, and take care of me, just like I'll take care of him. One day I will find it, until then, I'll just move ahead, and strive for my goals, & work on what I need to work on, to get ahead in life.
I should of been doing homework, well reading Chapter 6 for my Macroeconomics class, but I didn't.... but I will be doing that probably tommorrow nite. I do have to prioritize, but he's the thing that makes me the most happy lately. I have many other guys that I usually talk to, but since I've started talking to him on the phone, I barely contact them. I'm supposed to meet CJR, on Sunday, but I'm not sure I want to. I'm sure he's a good guy, just I know what he has to offer, is not what I'm looking for.
But....
I'm not really sure what AJ's intentions are either.... I know he likes me, and thinks I'm cute, but... I'm not sure what kind of feelings he has for me. I know my feelings are too intense, and I need to keep them in check. I actually miss him, thru the day, and wish I could just call and say hi. When I think that though, I feel like I'm being obsessive, and that he will get sick of me, and at some point, not talk to me again.
I'm stupid, I im'd CG yesterday, when I was being bored, and was im'ing alot of people I know... and he im'd back, complainin about his life, and then saying he wasn't with anyone. He was supposed to be with me, but he ignored me for like 3 days, and I said that I'm not putting up with that shit. Fuck him. I was in love with him, but after all the shit that happened over that weekend, I just wish he'd go fuck himself. I still love him, and always will, but I could never be with him, and I surely don't want to build a life with him. I don't need that type of person in my life, he's a criminal, a liar, a cheater, a sneak, a former drug addict, & I don't think he's a very good parent. My opinions yes.... but, this is my angryness showing thru.
I deserve a good man, that has goals and dreams, and wants to make those dreams reality. I want a handsome sexy man, with nice teeth, that will love me, and take care of me, just like I'll take care of him. One day I will find it, until then, I'll just move ahead, and strive for my goals, & work on what I need to work on, to get ahead in life.
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