I WISH

I really wish people could just shut up and be happy for me. Instead they have to run their mouths. I'm not a child. I know what I'm doing and what I'm getting myself into. I know the consequences, if he's not being real with me.

I never met a man like him before. He makes me smile and laugh when I'm miserable. He genuinely cares. He touches me how I've only dreamt of being touched. He doesn't ask for anything in return. I feel a bit selfish, he's done more for me, than I have for him. I tell him something and he listens. He doesn't believe in secrets between partners. All the big things I can think of, we both agree on...

I still have communication problems, I know that won't change overnight, but he's patient with me, and that makes me want to open up. He doesn't judge me, but he tells me how he thinks or feels about a situation.

I've finally met a man, that cares about me just as much as I care about him, and is willing to come to me, and show me he cares. I've been with so many men, that I felt resentful, because I felt like it was only me that wanted the relationship. It was only me that was spending money to see them... And I met this guy now and he can't wait to see me and he lives on the other side of the country. For years, he wasn't even in this country.

I love him. I truely do. People can say its too soon. That I'm getting ahead of myself. They can tell me I'm crazy. But I say to them, "Shut the fuck up, just be happy for me!!!" I haven't had any hopes or dreams for myself for so long. This isn't just about him. His positiveness has rubbed on me... And regardless of whether him and I work out, I hope I can keep this positive attitude. I still have so much to be depressed about, and as I sit here almost in tears, I am thankful for all that I have to be happy for.

I am thankful for the most wonderful daughter in the world. I'm thankful for my sister to be here. I'm thankful, I do have somewhere to live right now. I'm thankful for all my friends and family that do love me. I'm thankful to be breathing right now, and not struggling for a breath. I'm thankful to have Dan in my life. I'm thankful he's come at a time when I need him. I hope that I can only show him as much love as he shows me.

I pray right now, that today will be a better day than yesterday, and that regardless of the trials I'm put thru, I'll try not to loose faith in myself,and my hopes for my future, and for my family.

Together

Chris and I are back together, as of 11:07pm on the 22nd of October. He didn't want to let me back in because he didn't want me to run away again. And I wanted a commitment, so I wouldn't get pulled away from him.

Despite us being.... "not together" we still had talked every day, fought, and sometimes even console each other. There is so much we have to work out, if we really want this to work out though. I'm scared.

I can't say I regret breaking up with him. We both learned some lessons from it, We are both trying to communicate more effectively.

I just hope I've made the right choice. I don't know how we are going to do this.

Guilt

I sit here now, and feel guilty. Should I?
He's at Max's right now, waiting for her. Her. The Her that doesn't exist.
As soon as "CARESA" came alone, he ditched his plans with me, saying he had prior plans with his "buddies". Then I found out about her, he had some story for that too. Then he tells "CARESA" that he has Friday off, and tells me some stupid ass story. He tells "CARESA" that his friends got him drunk and he partied on both Wednesday & Friday, to kind of show off. Tells her, that he is free all day on Sunday. Also tells her, when talking about his job " work a lot, but getting time off isn't usually hard" It's like he's two different people. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, because I think he's a liar. I am crazy, for even involving myself with him.


He changed his passwords, and thinks I don't know who he writes to, or what about. He thinks I'm this crazy bitch. I would of married him like that, just liked that. Probably still would, if there were no more lies.

I don't understand why I keep meeting these guys that have problems just telling the truth. What did I do? Why do I have to sit here alone, crying. I'm a beautiful woman. All I want right now is to be held.

I want to meet a nice man, that tells me the truth. A man that will take me out to dinner, or make me something at home. One that knows I'm something precious, and will not hide anything from me.

I've been in a lot of relationships where I could care less about their email, or this or that..., but when you want to hide it, the more I want to see it.

I don't know how to get away from this, except, to get away from the internet again.

Today

I want things to be a certain way. In a way, they are. I sit here and wonder what C. is doing and who he's doing it with. Little does he know, his date won't show up. I'm an evil bitch. Fuck with me, and I'll fuck back. I didn't want to hurt him, but I know at some point he will read this and he will know, he'll know something.

I sat and tried to read some blogs, some old blogs, This goes back quite a few years. My life is sad, very sad. I've never lived my own life. I always was able to live it thru others, and don't know what to do now.

Please save me.
Set me free.
Give me life.
Give me Liberty.

Give me Hope,
its what I need,

Take away my sorrows,
Take away my pain,
Take away the thoughts,
and all the self harm.

Let me be a better person,
Let me see past the lies,
Let me see the truth,
Let me know he's tried.

Now

Now I seem to have to move my blog, because I don't want him reading it, its only fair he can put up comments, but wtf, why lie to me again. Why?

And what the fuck does any of this matter. I could die tommorrow. I could die Tuesday, so could you, so could anyone....

I really hope this DBT stuff helps, because this is the only thing I have left to hope for... the only thing... and the hope, I wouldn't really say its hope... Its a conscience, a guilt, that people try to trip me on, because I have a kid. FUCK THEM, and FUCK YOU, if you don't feel I have a right to die. I have nothing to live for. Not now....
I haven't for a long time.

HIM

Its been over for a few weeks, and he thinks he's so slick. He decides its over, says he's talked to his "DR", and that it was now a lost cause... even after last nite, he still wasn't getting it.

I kept telling him, our love, and our both wanting a family wasn't enough to stay together.... but he wouldn't let go. It took a girl sending him naked pics, and me snooping in his email to get him to do it. I asked him for months to change his password. I told him of my snooping past. Its an addiction to me. Only I'm sure she said more to him, than he says... and I'm sure that it was more than him just talking to his Dr... to get him to change his password.

I hate liars. But I love him.

People are so stupid

I don't know if my family has found out about this(this blog), and at this point I don't care. Its not just about them. Its about a man in my life, and other people who consider themselves my friends.

Apparently, my cousins have been reading my blog, and my mom. But my cousins have to tell everyone my business. I mean its out there... so its my own doing, but why do you have to talk. Keep what you read to yourself. Or reach out to me. I'm the one that needs to know you care. You only piss me off by telling everyone else.

And if you really love me and want to be with me, show me. This man, I know he loves me, and he knows who he is. But I know in my heart, we will be miserable together. We have nothing in common and he's always on my nerves. It doesn't mean I don't love him. But since we broke up. I wanted to, he finally agreed, he has new "friends" on myspace.. and is putting up comments on that girls page. She puts up half naked comments... and he drools over her. That hurts... especially since he's saying.. I want "US" back...

I wish he'd just go... and go with those girls sometimes.. and leave me alone. I can't stand him drooling over them, and so publicly.

I feel like noone cares. I feel like noone understands. I'm so depressed, and at this moment I could care less if I take another breath.

I give up

I can't trust anyone. I feel like noone cares.... I'm at a loss.

I went to this place called SAM today, that was a waste of time, because I do have insurance. SAM got on line with my insurance, and my insurance said I was discharged because I no longer needed partial hospitalization services, and the hospital told me... Wednesday it was because of my insurance.

I get told by this girl in group... that rumors are around I just do it for attention.... and she apparently talks to this guy I talk to in group, and has talked to him about me. ANother girl, really thinks its attention, but something was said, and one of the the therapists said... "oh, she's a special case"....

WTF..... Now I'm paranoid.. and suicidal...
I broke up with my boyfriend... only I don't think anything has changed. Only he's sad. I still love him the same, I'm just not jealous.

I wish someone would just slap me.. or I keep thinking of cutting myself... because I can handle that pain.... I just can't handle this pain.

Someone please help me. Am I that bad, that noone wants to help me. Am I that horrible...what did I do that was so wrong. Why is this other girl talking about me, and why am I feeling bad about what she's saying.... Why am I distrustful to this guy I've been talking to..... Is he talking to her about me... what is he saying?

He was just talking to me.. about how he's paranoid his old friends talk about him.. and now.. here I am.. feeling the same way...

I hate myself. I hate my life. I don't want to live right now.
If I'm meant to live, please help me get thru this.

8:55PM

The discussion again of us breaking up. It was made, by 8:55pm, last night, all was quiet, and at 9:00PM exactly the phone was hung up.

He finally, allowed me to allow us to break up. Maybe not the best decision, but I know in the end and it can't make it any worse. I'm struggling with so much right now. US... isn't even on my mind right now. Its just easier to type about this, than the shit I'm going thru trying to get help with my mental health.

I want help, and noone will help me. Noone can deal with me...

Noone said it better than Nirvana, " I hate myself and want to die...."

Decisions

My boi and I are at a point where I have a decision to make....and its all up to me... I don't understand why it has to be that way.

He's lied to me, I spy on him.... We have major trust issues. Things won't change... and he tells me he's not going to change unless I can definititively tell me that I want him.

I want him, on my terms, and I know it can't be that way.... so I guess I already know what my decision is, only I want to wait and see if he follows thru with coming to see me...

Will he?
Will he even bother... has he even tried to get a day off?

Life

Things suck.
Just as usual.
The meds make me a zombie for the most part. I can't think. I can't remember. In bed, I fall asleep and wake up without relizing it. I finally took a shower yesterday and went to a movie with my friend, I found a gummy vitamin in my hair. How does that happen?

I woke up once on my stomache with my cell under me. I wake up with my cell by my ear and noone there, briefly remembering a conversation with Chris. I thought Chris wanted to talk, and he calls me and asks me what did I want to talk about....

I'm like huh?

I'm confused and disorientated. I just want it to all stop. Luckily, I barely have energy to answer the phone... let alone do something suicidal.

Chris says he called my group. I think he's lying to me again. Otherwise he'd have more to say about it. I think he lies to me about alot of stuff.... although I do know he loves me and wants me to get well, but I doubt he's even trying to get his friends to understand. I'd rather have him drop me.... than loose his friends.

I'm not worth it. I gave up on myself and us a long time ago.

I'm going to go attempt a shower... I feel so weak.

Today

Today is the day I want to die.

This is for more reasons than I can begin to list.

The day wasn't that bad either. My boyfriend had sex with me for the first time in over a month, cooked me dinner.... and was playful with me.

I cheated on him last nite. I kissed my ex. I feel guilt, but probably not what I should. I realized so many things i want... that I will never have.

Every man I've been with has had one or two of those qualities... that I want.


I'm tired of things being ok for just a bit. Right now I'm still so angry about so much. I'm trying to let it go, so that the last day I'm around is enjoyable. Think it will work. I hope so.

Almost didn't care....

My boyfriend just told me, again, for the second time in two weeks, if I did... (something) again... he'd break up with me...

The first time was.. if I ever screamed/went off on him.. he'd break up with me... ok, I understand... but that is impossible for me... We made up a few days later, he said he was sorry he scared me.... and he said it because he was mad... ok, again.... I understand...

But tonite.. well I admitted to him, I'd been, as he calls "spying" on him. And yes, since he considers it spying, I shouldn't do it... but its just how I am... Well he told me, this is in my ball park. He said he was so mad already , he almost did break up with me. In my head I'm thinking, just do it and get it over with. I didn't have a tear in my eye. So he's saying, its in my ballpark, if we have this discussion again about me snooping in his email, or his phone account.. again.. that it won't be a discussion, it will be over. I was about to be like ok. And say, oh btw I'm reading your email now, just break up with me. I'd rather have it over with. Then I can go back to reality.

He asks me if I just don't trust him or I can't trust him. He says if I can't trust him, it might as well be over. I'm still in my head thinking... just do it now. I don't need this... why are we even together.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of not trusting him. I'm tired of being sad because we are fighting. I'm tired of wondering when I'll do something, and he'll walk out. I'm tired of wondering if we would be happy. I'm tired of wondering if we would be good together. I'm tired of thinking I should just walk out now, pain or no pain, set back or no set back. I'm tired of wondering if we are staying together because we are both lonely. I'm tired of wondering even why we are together....

At this point does it really matter. I think we are both wasting our time. Now is this me speaking or my depression?

How can you?

How can you tell someone you think they are lying to you, when you are doing somethign you really aren't supposed to do. I guess you could say I'm a bit deceiteful, but I don't do it to hurt anyone. I do it cuz I'm nosy.

I am very upset right now, because I think I'm being lied to. If I confront the person, I have to admit something I know that they won't like. I have to admit, I'm nosing into their things again.

Which is worse? Is it ok to let the lie go?

Will You Marry Me?

I asked him this. His reply: "YES" I tell him to quit teasing, he says he's not, he said he'd marry me, but he wants to do it the right way, in front of friends and family. I tell him he's crazy and drunk. He replies that he's not drunk. He's only had three beers and a bloody mary.

I've been in a high mood for a few days. Since Friday nite to be exact. Since I hung with my friend, since I got high. I've been physically not so great, but not wanting to kill myself or anyone else, you know.

All me and him have done for a few weeks now is fight. We faught today, I was just trying to mess with him about not coming up here, and it turned to an arguement, and him getting upset and wanting to push me away. He and I both know, he's not coming up here to visit. If he ever showed up here, i'd drop dead. Right now he doesn't even know where I live...b ut thats beside the point.

Thru our argueing, he told me Friday, he wanted me and Dare to come down there.. and he wanted to take care of us, and he really wishes he could, but he can't. I understand that. I never knew he felt that way before though. It hit me hard. All this time, I thought I was fucked up for wanting that...and not being able to say it.

My depression is overrunning me.. taking me over, and making me forget about the good stuff. All it made me think of was all the arguements we had. All the stupid stuff.

Right now I just want to cry..... I'm so scared of living.. i'm so scared of life. It hurts so bad.

I just have to keep reminding myself. Anything thats worth anything, is never easy to get.....

Its always going to be hard, but it will be worth it.

How do you??

How do you talk to an angel?
Nah... it really has nothing to do with that, but I have that song stuck in my head.
How do you know what reality is, when you suffer from depression? Cuz I'm stuck and lost right now.

I've met a totally great guy, only, I want to run away. Sometimes because I'm scared, sometimes because I'm mad, sometimes, because I want more.

Usually for me, I fall head over heels... with him, I did not. I really liked him, I loved talking to him, I loved his holding me, his kisses, the time he gave me... I wasn't in love with him. Shortly before we made love, I started having those, I wanna run away to Vegas feelings.... We made love, and now... its like we are an old married couple. But we fight, all the time, about stupid stuff.

I feel like its all my fault. I'm needy, I'm insecure, I'm upset, I'm this, I'm that.
When I'm with him, I want to be the center of attention, not the porn, or the computer, or the baseball game, or his friends, or the funny show on tv, I WANT TO BE. I really honestly don't see why this is wrong. If I was with him everyday, yeah that would be a major problem, but I'm not, and when I'm there, I'm stuck. I'm not at home, and I'm stuck, in this place, and the man I'm in love with, seems to care less, he continues his life, just like I am not there.

I keep thinking, we should just let go now, but then I wonder if thats the depression talking. I want romance. I know I'll never get it with him. I'm not even bringing up that conversation. We've never really went on a date. We never do anything special. He barely even comments on my page, or emails me.... (which I find romantic). I feel like I'd have better luck if I was a porn star or a baseball, at least he'd look at me.

I feel he has no desire for me... and my opinion on that, doesn't have to do with me being insecure...

Just like I always say... I got him, but... I want more.
Makes me feel stupid, because I keep wondering, how long before I lose the best thing I have.... ever had.

Drama & Thoughts on My Future

I had a little drama at my boyfriends. I was cranky all weekend, had PMS, and got irritated by incompetent McDonald's workers. I got back to his place and my Mt Dew was moving and it really upset me because there were two open bottles in the door and one of them was not mine. Me and my germ thing. I hate it. I don't know how to get over it though.

Well that and i'm having doubts about me and Chris's compatibility. I haven't shared this with him, because I feel like he's really needing me to be strong. I feel like he has doubts, I will stay with him. My problem is that of one where I need to know that he has motivation to do something with his life. I feel like he's stuck in a rut... and doesn't know what to do. He always tells me he is lazy, and i'd like to believe that isn't true. If he has no motivation... its not something I can deal with... Although I can take care of myself, to a degree, I want a man that wants to take care of me. Maybe that is selfish, but its something I need. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I'm tired of struggling, and i know it will take time, but I believe if we work together we can do it.

Again, I just worry. I asked him what he wanted in his life, and he didn't really answer me.

Plus he scared me a bit. I had an idea of when I met him, he could be needy. Lately he has been alot, and its not a bad thing, because I'm needy too. Its just, as much as I want a family, and i love him, and want that to happen, it still is scary. To find a man that truely wants to marry me. I know we've barely been together two months, and we can drive each other crazy. At the end of the night, we still love each other, can hold each other and talk about it.

IT really is great. He told me this weekend, about how again he felt about marriage we were talking, and I was like, "yeah I know after you are 30", and also said " I told you its ok, because as long as i know you love me, and want to build a life with me, I can wait, although I won't exactly be happy with it" He replied, that I may not have to wait. When the time comes, it can happen, and we don't have to wait... he said, its just he's always been scared, and that is why he always said that. He said he knew I was the one he wanted to spend his life with. It scares me, because I know he has to have some doubts, It scares me because he always thinks I'm going to leave him. I wish I could erase those doubts, I would. I'd marry him tommorrow if he wanted. I'm still not sure he'd be 100% positive I'd stay with him after that. I would. I don't ever want to divorce...

I know there is no reason to rush things, but i want nothing more than to spend my nites with him, and wake with him in the morning, despite the fact that his morning ritual drives me crazy. He turns on the tv, and watches sports/news. Noise in the morning makes me wanna scream and kill someone. So hopefully, we can come to some sort of compromise... like shit I don't fucking know. But we will figure it out. I don't think its something I can get used to though. Maybe wireless head phones.. lol

I miss him already. I was sad to drop him at work today. I wanted nothing more to lay in bed with him all day, and hold him in my arms. Its so hard for me to believe I make him so happy. But he says I do. I must believe that.

Shoot....

Apparently money= worth
self worth apparently... because whenever I don't have enough money, I feel worthless. I feel like shit. I wish I could die to escape the pain.

Here's the situation, I have about 300 dollars, I can
A. Give it to my aunt
B. Get my car insured and get it back on the road
C. Buy a gun

None are what I want to spend the money on. None are something that are going to matter, for the most part (unless I do something with the gun) in ten years.

We are in a hole, and apparently its my job to shovel the shit, and everything is my fault.

Thing is, in reality it is. I want an escape. The hole is too deep to get out of. I just want to leave. I have no more choices.

If I don't have a car in two weeks, I'll loose my job. If I don't have a job we are screwed regardless.

So fuck it. FUCK YOU WORLD. YOU cold heartless world. I hate you, and I hate me, and I hate being here...

Sad part is... I haven't felt suicidal for probably at least a week or so... and now, all because I get paid. I hate payday.... I hate money. I hate life. I hate my life... the life I don't really live.

Fathers Day

I'm feeling kind of shitty, because of being alone. I hate the days when I'd rather be anywhere else. I'd rather be with my friends, or with my boyfriend and his friends. I'd rather be at work, at least in the building than just sitting here. Yeah I get to use the internet, and watch tv.... but its not the same.

I'm feeling really stupid right now. Chris and I were talking about relationships and about "her" and I told him it was ignorant that she kept doing the same thing over and over again, and didn't learn anything from it. This is in regards to guys using her for sex. She went all the way to NC, for some creep, and still hasn't learned a lesson, nor with the 5 kids she has, and that she take care of all on her own. It got me to thinking...

Chris and I wouldn't be together if I didn't give him a chance, he told me and tells me the things I want to hear. Is it just another trick. Is this going to end up the same. I sit here, almost in tears thinking about it.

Partly because I said something to him, via text that I shouldn't have said. I said... "think, a decade from now, you'll celebrate Father's Day.."

I said this thinking that, hopefully in a decade we'd be married, settled down, and have a kid.. and that would be our reason, for celebrating..... thinking that a decade wasn't moving too fast.

The thing is, though, just thinking these thoughts, is moving too fast, and I wonder what I've got myself into again. I'm having some doubts now. I don't know what to do. I freak out cuz he responds to me.... " Why do you say that?"

I don't know why he would say that. He's talked about wanting to be together for a long time, hoping we are together forever. But I think, I'm just getting things wrong again. As different as it feels than any other relationship I've been in. I feel like I'm right back where I started. How does this make things better, it doesn't. How do I know its different? Its not. Its the same as before... I take things out of context, knowing that men say things to make women feel good, and Chris does that for me... only now I don't feel its real.

I'm feeling indifferent. I wanted him, and I don't regret that, but I should of done things differently. Again. I fucked up.

I know part of me just feels this way because I'm feeling a bit depressed, and I hope thats the only reason I feel this way.

Jealousy

I hate that I get so jealous.

The thing that bugs me worse, and my ex knows about this, cuz I did it to him on hotornot. I put up a fake profile.

I know it was wrong.

I keep wanting to do that on MySpace to see if my boyfriend will fall for it. I won't but I'm still tempted to. Its driving me crazy. And its not his fault at all. Its all my ex's that fucked with me, and played games, and cheated on me.

I just don't understand how my boyfriend didn't see that it wasn't appropriate, he fucking emailed her about it, and they were talking about the comments, basically his friend thought "he might get in trouble..." I take that to mean, "better watch out, your gf might get mad/jealouse/pissed" and apparently he didnt.

I dunno, I don't know why I let this shit eat me up.

Just like that other girl, the one that hates me... for many reasons, but one because I stole, JW from her, and then Chris... She set me up with JW, things didn't work out, and me and Chris hit it off.... She was playing games with him. He knows, and I think it annoys him, but he's still friends with her. I hate it because I'm jealous, and I know he wanted her, sexually and otherwise... and that she is attracted to him. She's a player though. I know he wanted to meet her. I know he thought about having sex with her. It makes me sick.

Yes, she is a half way decent looking girl, but me, I guess, being me, find it totally disgusting that she's such a slut. It makes me feel disgusting to fuck someone whose had so much dick in her.

Guys think differently though.

So thats why I'm me.....


I am me, take that as you will.