Rage

Jealousy creates my rage, in life, in relationships, in almost everything I do.

I wrote some things on my myspace page that were try, but I'm trying to deduct why am I doing them? I know they are self destructive. I know they are harmful to me. I know they may cause me to do something I don't really intend to do. I'm heading down that path again. I know how to stop. And I know I will. But what makes me continue what I'm doing?

It feels good. But in a bad way. I'm not happy at this moment... why? because I'm not high. Because I'm not drunk, cuz I'm not smoking....

I want to rewind back three weeks ago. I want that feeling. I had it, and I will have it again.

Chemicals create Kaos...

Speaking of that, I finally understood something about T.

T. and his band... Today I got an email about two of the members leaving Stuck in Kaos.. a band I like... I read one's blog about why he was doing it... and how he focused only on the band so long, he wanted to fix things with the ones he loved.... because the band became more than just a love.... and he wasn't happy with it any longer.

Well in regards to T. I was always upset because I never was a priority... but now I can believe that, and I may have already that... it was so true he cares for me, and wants to give me time, he just doesn't have it. I always felt like I was never important to him because MySpace, and HotorNOt, and the web and computers in general took up most of his time. I'd see comments on his myspace page about him hanging with this person or that person, or the band, and it enraged me, that those people were that important to him, and I wasn't. I couldn't figure it out. I understand just a tiny bit more now, but still not completely. I could never love music as much as I love T.

People never can compete with something else. I love to give and get affections and you can't get that from music. I take that back.... you can, you can get it from the attention, I guess like my internet and attention addiction. I'm addicted to the attention of good looking men, despite whether I think they are worth a dime or not.

Psychology Analysis

Psychology Analysis, analyses .....

Being Psychotic is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

Ex: You call my daughter's name... "Darian...."
again... "Darian...."..... "Darian..."...."DARIIAN".....
"HELLO.....DARIAN!!!"... and expect her to answer.

My thought today was.. why should that work. Its not realistic. I mentioned this to my therapist. Her thought on that was to compare that to me, and CG... and how I don't want to stay away from him. I could. I would. But... I don't want to. He doesn't "hurt" me per say...

My emotions towards him, are what kills me. My jealousy.

Fucked up

School is almost done.
Thank God, I need a rest.
I've been behind on my work, although its all turned out well.
I'm tired of men, and of choices.

I want a husband, I want to settle down,
I want something real, something tangible,
something, something I'm not sure I will ever have.

I live too much in the past. I need to focus on the future.

I had suicidal thoughts this week. Destructive, disgusting ones, ones I've never had before. Are they realistic? No. Are they scary? YES!

I've not been feeling well, I've had a stomache type problem lately. Hopefully things will work out with it soon. My stomache is already feeling better today.