FITDAY

wow.. 4 posts in one day.. but this one was important. I have a weblog of sorts on FITDAY and I just updated it, and decided that I am going to try and keep up with it. Its important to my health and my future to be healthy. Its just nice to post that I lost the 8 or so lbs that were floating around after I started the steriod treatments. I put a new goal up, and I want to be down by 24 lbs, before the new year. Lisa is going to be doing this with me too. I find it great to have a partner, because doing it alone is hard. Wish us both luck!!

HATE or LOVE

I hate him, but I love him at the same time. I'm not talking about T., I'm talking about EPB. Yes I do love him, I always will, he was part of my life... part of helping me figure out what I really wanted in my life.

He just called. The conversation went like this...
I said " hi, how you doing?"
He said.. " I just called to tell you its over"
I said " what do you mean? what do you mean its over? Peter?"
He said... " Its over"
I said..." Peter, are you planning on doing something stupid?"
He said.. "no, hold on"
mumbled something. then clicked to the other line..
a few minutes later.. quite a bit later..
He got back on.. and said " Goodbye, Julie, Its over"
I said.." Peter, wait.. what do you mean"
He said " Goodbye" angrily I mite add.... and hung up.

My first thought.. was that he was going to try to kill myself. Its a typical scenario. I called his house.. got the voice mail and left a message.

I just called back.. and he said " what do you want?"
I said.." I want to make sure you are alright"
He said "yeah I'm alright.. (screaming) and you can go and fuck whoever you want, just leave me alone"
And I started to try and talk.. and he hung up.

I don't know what to think or feel... I really wish I did. I'm so sad, and scared for him. So sad that he can't deal with this. He's a good guy, and I wish him all the happiness... but.. he just doesn't see that we weren't good together. I partly feel bad, because while I was in the hospital I told him I would go thru couples therapy.... and I didnt'. I was falling too much for T. T. was satisfying my main needs at the time, and I turned to him. He made me happy.. and he still does. He knows how to soothe me.. how to make me laugh.

EPB.... I wish he knew that he was a good guy. I wish he did. He just really needs some therapy. He needs to learn to love himself. He needs to get away from those parents of his. He needs to find what he really wants to do with his life.

I still have this bad feeling, he mite try something, to hurt himself. I couldn't live with the thought if he did. I'm scared. I don't know what to do though.

150th POST ( I think)

Anyway.. lots to write about today. Just wondering where to start. Day was ok, for the most part my spirits are up. No suicidal feelings. Always a plus. Got some laundry done... and well.. thats about it. Oh.. cooked some chicken too.

Pissed at F. though, thats my aunts fiance. He lives here. I found out.. today .. he let my daughter go across the street to the neighbors house, and she wasn't being watched. I'm wondering if I should just find some sort of daycare, or daycare program to take her after school, so I can limit the time she's doing stuff.. and I dont know what it is.

I realized some things, about why I get so upset about things with T. First I'm like the nosiest person in world... so when I don't know something, and you don't offer up the info, I feel like someone is hiding something from me. I'm that way with anyone, but expecially.. someone close. He's told me.. he thinks I understand him.. but I don't feel that I do. I understand parts of him... but not the whole him. My biggest problem is I don't feel like I'm really part of his life. I don't like feeling like a part time girlfriend. He does make time for me..... I know he does, but I always need more. I'll always want more. (or feel like I will). I've dumped alot of boyfriends, because they couldn't or wouldn't make time for me. I don't have any intentions of dumping T., he's the best thing in my life, but I wonder... how long will this go on. I'm so impatient, and we just started dating... I hate only seeing him once a week. Less than 24 hours in a week, doesn't make up for the other 144 I sit here missing him. I wish it did. I wish I could be happy with what I get, but I'm not. But I realized that is the only reason, I want a better life for my daughter, because I'm not happy, and I want more, so I work hard, and try my best, so I can do better than my parents, and grandparents.. and etc.

I feel like I have no choice about things in our relationship. Like when we talk on the phone, or when we see each other... or anything... I'm not used to that. I'm used to being the one in charge... the one .. that makes all the decisions, so this is going to be something I have to get used to. Last nite, we were talking.. and he said he was going.. and I got pissy.. and he just continued to say goodbye.. and I was like " Its not like I have a choice" and he said I did.... and.. talked a min.. and then.. said goodbye again... and I asked him " please don't leave" and he said.. "see .. was that hard" I feel like... when I ask him to stay... I'm asking him to do something, that he doesn't want to do. I feel like.. well.. the way I act.. is like.. I try to make him feel guilty for leaving. I don't intentionally do it.. but.. I still feel it from the after effects. I don't want to mess up this relationship.. but I just have so many worries. I'm soo scared, so upset, over the fact that I become so needy. T. says he is needy, but I feel its different than the way I am. Somehow I let it control me... and I need to get a grip on it.

I'm getting tired though.. want to write more, but need to get Dare to bed.

Doing Something

Feeling a bit better now. T. read my blog, which was great and we were able to talk abit. I was upet about the way he let me go, though.. I knew he needed to go. I'm feeling better, because right now (although I should be sleeping) I'm doing somethings for myself.

I've been looking up bankruptcy info. So far, still seems cut and dry. Seems simple in my case, since I don't really own anything of value. Still have to finish my database, then request credit reports, and then going to call EAP, see if I can get a referral, cuz then I guess we can get a discount.

Also did something bigger for myself. I read an email from one of my support groups and read that my friend in England recently took the MENSA test and passed. I was told a few years back, that it was a great experience, and I really should try to take the test, and get in. I did some research and found it. .its National Testing Day on the 16th of October. I sent an email to see if anyone in the area was doing testing. So, hopefully, the will... and I'll be able to go take the test. The prospect is exciting, and makes me nervous at the same time.

Just doing things for myself is fulfilling. I like to keep busy. I'm happier that way.

I still worry about T. and I. I wonder if I will fuck up. Part of him seems too perfect. How did I get so lucky? (we say that often to each other). I know, part of me feels like I don't know him enough, part of me feels like we've known each other forever. Its scary. But awesome at the same time.

Crying

I'm down from my high for the week. I'm so sad and so upset right now. Partly for like a million reasons, but I don't understand T. at all. I feel like I know him, I feel that I truely love him, but part of me doesn't want to trust him. Part of me just wants to leave, forget everything. The thing is he didn't do anything, really. I wish he would of called me by now. I mean, he was online and everything. I think I feel so suspicious, cuz I feel like I don't know anything about him. Really I don't. I don't now much about his family, his friends, his life. I don't even know where he really lives. He's so loving when with me though, so sweet, and so attentive. I love it. It doesn't feel real though. I'm scared. I'm upset. I just want to go cut myself. I want to slice my wrists, only knowing, I'd fuck up my job if I did. So then I think about cutting other parts. It scares me. What am I capable of. What could I do.

I don't know what else to say, to write. I don't even know how to tell T. how I'm feeling. I don't know how to share with him. I'm afraid... afraid of my life. Last nite, T. and I sex, without protection, after we already had the talk about how we should use protection. I don't like condoms, and things just happened. At one point, I told him that we really should be using protection, and we just continued. I didn't think anything at the moment, but now.. I feel bad. Also today, I started to say EPB's name, when I was talking about him.. I said to Darian, Me and P... and stopped my statement. T., laughed. I just wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so hard. How could I call him that? He reminds me nothing of him. Nothing.

I just feel like I'm going crazy. I'm hurting so bad. I really thought he'd call me when he got home, and he hasn't. I felt before, he wouldn't have time for me.... and he doesn't. He just keeps reminding me of the future, and.... thats all fine and great.... what about what I need now? I'm not strong. I'm weak, I'm tired and scared. I'm hurting so bad, and just want to be held. I feel like I'm having an affair with a married man or something. I'm not sure where to go from here. Part of me thinks things could work, and be wonderful, but part of me... just wants to run. Am I just pushing away.. or do I have a right to feel this way. I wish I had the answers.

Great day.

I'm so relieved. My first day at The Hartford was wonderful. Beyond Belief. I'm waiting for someone to kick me, and tell me its a big joke. Half my problems are solved. I have money coming in, I have health insurance, and lots more benefits. Made some new friends.

My reason for posting though, is cuz I wanted to post a letter I wrote to my new bf, the love of my life, and hopefully my future husband.




HI Sweetie,
Hope your day was at least as good as mine if not better. I was still a little upset last nite, when we hung up, but I did some self talk and felt like 97% better. I realized, that right now, ( I know.. you've told me) I have alot going for me. I really do. Alot of potential. Just I"m a perfectionist and when things aren't perfect, I go to pieces. I realized how awesome it is that I got this job, somethign I've been looking for since I came here (and even before- Since about January) in July. I realized what a wonderful supportive caring boyfriend I have, and I wish I would of been able to tell you last nite, that I'm not mad at you anymore. I wasn't really that mad at you, its just when I got upset, all the thoughts came to my head. I do understand that you fell asleep, and that isn't what I was upset about, it was about the promise. I know you know that. I do want you to know, I don't want to break up with you, part of it was my being so upset (about sooo many things) and the other part was not wanting to be hurt again, and part of too was also the pushing away, I'm sure.

I missed you so much this weekend. I'm really anxious to see you again. I hope its soon. I want to be in your arms. It makes me feel good that you want the same. One thing about me.. and I'm not sure I've said this before...( and supposedly its part of borderline personality disorder-- I can shut up about that too , if you want... I just wonder what you think of it... cuz you haven't said anythign) For me, when you are here, and when I talk to you, and get your emails I know you love me, but when you aren't here, with me in some way, I forget, I seriously do. I feel like once you've gone, you won't be coming back. Abandonment issues I guess. Its just hard. I guess the one really good thing about all the problems I've had in this last year or so.. is that I've learned alot about myself and my faults, and what I will tolerate and what I wont. I've learned alot more, but that is just the beginning.

More than anything I just want you to know I love you. I've never met a man like you, and I'm actually glad for that. I wouldn't want any other man but you. I dream of our future every day. I loved when you told me.. something about.. wanting to grow old with me,... seeing my hair turn gray. I almost cried. I good cry though. Every time we talk, you amaze me. You really do. I love that you think I'm so wonderful, even when I tell you the bad things about myself. I had a few guys I dated, don't remember which ones, but they never complimented me.. I never really took compliments well for a long time, partly cuz my self esteem was low at that point, but.. (not sure what I'm trying to say). I guess that I like that you compliment me, and even if I kind of shrug it off sometimes, it means alot to me. So don't ever stop. I'm a bit conceited, in reality. That is one thing that has bothered me this last 6 months or so, I guess the stereotype that all depressed people, have low self esteem. I know there are times in my life, when I did, but I don't feel now is that time. I truely love myself, and the things I've done, and the things I will do, just sometimes its hard for me to deal with the things I've messed up. When I get really depressed, all I feel is like, all I've done is mess up my daughters life, and it hurts alot. I mean, if my mom had her way, and I didn't have other influences, I could see myself being just like her, but worse. Not sure if anythign I'm saying is making sense. But I hope at least some of it does. The thing with me, is when I'm knowledgeable about a subject, or a job, or whatever it is, I have lots of confidence, but if I at all doubt, what I think is right, I lose any confidence I had to begin with. For instance, this whole health care thing, I don't understand it, and don't think its right. Where I"m from clinics take you in right away, same with in Wichita. Going to the psych dr.. does take longer, but.. I guess, really, for most of my life, I haven't had to deal with not having insurance. I was alway really poor, so we got medical card thru the government, or... when I lived with my gram, I was covered thru my dad's insurance. I never had to worry about if I had to go to the dr. Then when I moved to Wichita, I didn't have insurance, but I wasn't sick, so it was great... then when I started to get sick, I had insurance. Its a really big comfort. I've been called a hypocondriac (sp) but the thing is, I do get sick alot, no matter what I do. I'm going to try and stay healthy. I really have to work on eating better. I've hard ate anything this week. I'm going to start taking my vitamins again, and be more faithful. My asthma has been good the last few days. :) Hopefully things will settle once I get the routine down. Not really used to a normal routine lately. Another thing.. with that.. is I'll be going to bed earlier.. so if we could talk about.. like when we can talk on the phone.. like when your going to be home or whatever.. I'd appreciate that. I really miss you when I don't get a chance to hear your voice.

Wow.. I'm writing alot. I hope you don't mind. I've really had a good day today. Stayed in a positive mood, which is the number one thing for me. ( i know talking to you last nite helped alot, and well.. shopping) Because now, I know I'll look nice tomorrow, then I feel more confident. I mostly don't care what people think of how I look, I wear some strange things sometimes, but... when I'm going somewhere new, I guess.. I'm just looking to make a good first impression. Its more important than people think. I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!! Was just thinking that, so had to say it.

I can't wait till we get so spend more time together. I look so forward to that. I do look forward to growing old together too, which is a funny thing, cuz I never really pictured myself living after 40. I always wanted to die young. I don't want to know, not at all. Part of what keeps me going in life, is showing others, I can do more than they ever thought I could. I want to be better than my family, especially my parents. I want to do something important with my life. I really truely want to live. Mostly for myself, but also for you, for Darian.. and well for the kids we will have together. Just imagine, a bunch of gorgeous little geniuses running around the house. I think showing your kids you love them no matter what, is one of the most important thing about being a parent. No matter what I've put my daughter thru, these last years, and I wish I could take away any pain I've caused her, I know she has never doubted that I love her. I tell her often, I show it.

I'm almost in tears, just thinking about all that my life contains. I think I've told you before but I feel you bring out the good in me. You help me realize and take comfort in the happy times in my life. For a long time, all I thought about the sadness.. and thats all I dwelled on. I love telling you my stories.. I love having someone to listen to me ramble. I do find it ironic though, that you bring out the happiness in me, because part of you seems so dark. One thing that surprised me... was that teddy bear in your back seat. This dark goth metal guy, has a I love you teddy bear, with a red heart in the back seat of his car. Cute, funny. I do want to hear your stories. I never want to stop learning about you.

I really need to stop watching tv. For more reasons than one. It keeps triggering me. Tonite... I was watching this show.. called.. My Best Friend's Husband and it was fine till the end.. when the one lady, that slept with the husband, goes the wife, and says .. she is her best friend, always has been and always will be. Then I thought of my best friend Jenn, and what happened in our relationship. What happened, because of her husband, because of my instability, and almost insanity at the time, and how he took advantage of me. I get so angry when I think of it. I get so angry for how he hurts her, and she wont admit it. How sad she is inside, and I can't do anything now.... She doesn't understand. I can't imagine a day in hell when I would choose a man over my best friend. Not sure I should be telling you this... but. .. the whole thing just sucks. I mean.. not saying you would or anything. but if you slept with my best friend.. I'd be mad at you both.. for a while.. and then I'd probably forgive her.. and still be mad at you. Friends, and lovers, they have two different commitments.. (not sure I'm making sense). I don't know why I'm rambling about this. I trust you, when you say you'd never cheat on me, but its just hard for me to believe.. that.. what was it you said.. that .. none of the girls you meet compare to me. I bet you meet alot of attractive women. I'm envious every moment.. of every woman.. that gets to look at you when I'm not around. I love you, I love everything about you, including the tight pants my aunt hates.. (lol). I love looking into your eyes, I love the way you look at me, I love your smile, your touch, the way you hold me at nite. The way you hold me in general. You make me feel really special.

I think I will stop rambling now, and get my silly ass to bed. I have to be up at 7:30 to get Dare off to school, then beautify myself and get myself off to work. Wish me luck.. not that I need it.

If you get in late tonite.. could you just give me a ring. I could really use to hear your voice, and some I love you's to make my nite turn out right. (don't worry about waking me.. please!! Please just call) I soothes me to sleep, and makes me more sure, things will turn out right.

I do want to apoligize. I'm sorry if I gave you a hard time last nite. I don't know how you keep your sanity around me. I drive myself nuts sometimes. Also wanted to tell you thanks for sharing that myspace thing with me. It was great to read the things you wrote, and alot of stuff was just cute. Plus. I saw the band had a thingy too, and I got to listen to your music there. Definately Kewl. Though.. I do have to say... I'm jealous of your "prospects" there on myspace. Lots of cute girls that definately dig you. ( Oh that.. and well, your profile there, says your single, so .. you know, I don't want any chics hitting on you-- thats my job) I updated some stuff on my profile there, so check it out when you get a chance. Besides... I know.. they don't have a chance.. in hell... cuz you are all mine.

One more thing.. (I think). I asked you the other day, if you read my blog, cuz I do write alot of things there that are important to me. There is nothing in particular I'm wanting you to read, but.. I say things there sometimes, I don't always say outloud.. or to you .. but.. well.. just read it when you have time (yeah.. thats a good concept.. time). It I think, will just give you a deeper look into me. (either that, or make you run away screaming)

Well, I will finally end it here.. ( i know. enough.. enough).. but.. if you get chance.. just call me.. give me 5 minutes.. or ten.. or.. etc.. lol.. No..seriously.. would love to hear how your day was, how practice was.. how the boys are.. and anything else interesting that mite of happened. No chicks called you at like 5 am yesterday did they??? But anyway... I love you so much, and can't wait to hear from you. And please email me back... otherwise.. I'd be very dissappointed, I feel like I've told you alot in this email. The whole abandonment thing.. if I don't get a response.. I feel like you don't care.. or just stuff like that.

I'm really glad you are in my life. I love you & miss you!!

Love, Hugs & Kisses,
Juli Ann

What do I need?

This probably is what I need. Talking here, to myself, and working things through, on my own. I need to quit being so dependent on wanting/having to have someone to talk things out with. Someone to cheer me up. I need to work on cheering myself up.

I just don't know how to do it. I talk here, and get some things out, but it doesn't really mean anything to me, if noone wants to listen, or if noone understands. More than anything... I just wish I was being held right now. Part of me wishes he was here right now, holding me.. running his fingers thru my hair, kissing me... running his fingers over my skin, the other part of me... wishes, I wouldn't of started this in the first place. I don't think any of the reasons I'm mad are good enough to break up. But other than that I do love him, he's a great guy, I don't know if I see a future. I know part of this is.. the fact that I don't like to dream, because I am the only one that gets hurt. Believe me, I do dream about what we could have, every day, but it doesn't feel realistic at all. I hate believeing, hoping for something that will never happen.

I dream of lots of things about T. and I. I dream of the next nite we will spend together. I dream of romance ( though we really don't seem to have that right now). I dream of our wedding day, what it would be like to spend our days and nites together. I dream of our wedding day. I dream of our children. I'm just not good with handling fantasies. I have goals, and I want to reach them. Being in a relationship isn't a goal. Its just stressful to me. I become sooo dependant, and obsessive.... I hate it.

So many things I want to change and improve in my life, and in myself. I don't know where to start. I can't cope with anything. All I've done all week is cry. I don't ever remember crying this much. I've thought of suicide two or three times this week. The thoughts come, and I can't handle them. Luckily, I don't have a means. And I'm too depressed to try and find one. I worry, what will push me over the edge next. Who will hurt me next? Who will abandoned me? Who will lie or cheat? Who will break promises. I know I'm not perfect, I'm so far from it. I don't understand how people see all this good in me, and all my family sees is this negative girl, who hates life.

I feel like I try so hard not to be negative, but no matter what, something sets me off, and I flip out, and cry , or break something.. or just fall apart. For so many years, I was depressed, but I kept it together, I was strong... I think. Part of me just feels like my life was a lie, cuz noone really knew how I felt. Now, Its hard for me to stay composed. I cry all the time, almost anywhere. I've forgotten how to be strong. I've forgotten how to do everything. For over a year and a half, I've been a huge mess. The mood swings are worse, I can't deal with any relationship with a man. I don't know what to do.

What is wrong with me?

I sit here... can't sleep. I know why.. two reasons.... Well, cuz of what EPB did tonite, and cuz... well T. hasn't called. Talked to him before midnite and he said he wanted to go eat, get some stuff done and he'd call me.. so we could talk. Wondering where he's at. I get a bad feeling, I know what I wrote earlier, I try to dismiss my bad feelings, cuz I know how paranoid I am. I truely do. I wonder if I should trust him. Well, I'm writing, cuz if I don't write, I'll cry. I tried to call his house a few minutes ago, though I shouldn't have because of the hour, and someone else answered, after I started to leave a message. I asked if he was there and they said "Its five thirty in the morninng, NO" . I appoligized and hung up. I just wonder where is he at, because he barely tells me about his days, and I'm upset, cuz he promised he would call back tonite.

Well, the thing with EPB. Luckily, I fell asleep and didn't hear the phone ring, cuz he called, and threatened suicide. Well.. actually, he did take some pills. I go the message at around 3am, the lst time I woke up. Like I said, I can't sleep. I called immediately, and his mom answered. She said she knew what happened, and he was fine, but sleeping. That was all that was really said. I'm not really sure what to think about the whole thing.

I'm beginning to wonder if this whole thing with T. is right. I know I'm fickle, its just I have my doubts about me being in relationships. I feel better, more stable when I'm out of one. I get too emotionally dependant. I get too needy. I need too much reassurance. I told T. last nite, about my thoughts of pushing him away. He promised me... that he wouldn't let me. Part of me hopes that is true. I'm really upset with him right now. I wish I didn't expect so much. I wish I could just cope with life. I really don't understand why I am the way I am. I don't understand why its so stressful on me. I feel like I'm going crazy.. cuz I can't handle my emotions.

Tommorrow.. I just want to sit home in bed, curled with my blanket.. and watch tv and sleep all day. I hate not being able to sleep, cuz I'm upset. It's been happening so often. All I do is cry anymore. I hope this new job, helps me. I really need something positive in my life. I'm so scared I'm going to mess up, or I'm going to go off the edge again. This job, will help keep me in line though. At least I hope it will.

The day before, the day before,the day before my new job...

Still having major mood swings. Happy, sad, angry, happy, angry sad... sometimes different orders, sometimes all the emotions at once.

I wish T. read my blog here. Sometimes I write things that are hard for me to say. I usually do good an open up to him, but today it was hard. I was really upset with him. As soon as something goes wrong, I feel upset, betrayed, abandoned... and in this case.. its all mostly in my head. He's been a great boyfriend, he's just a really busy guy. I wondered how he'd ever find the time for a gf, when I was just friends with him, back when I was dating Peter. Part of me still wonders.

I think I'm crazy.. all the emotions I have for him. How much I wish every nite.. was spent with him. Falling asleep in the same bed.. holding each other, comforting each other.. talking about our days. If he asked me tommorrow, to marry him next week. I know I'd say yes. Thats crazy. I know it is. It feels right though. It feels good. I don't think its because I'm lonely either... its not that. I just love him so much.. and I have faith that he would always take care of me.

What kind of Goth are YOU??

Graver

What Kind of Goth Are You?
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Get a hair cut and a new job.....

Well, waiting on the haircut, but I got "the" job. I'm so happy, so excited, I feel so good. I will be working with The Hartford. They own the contract for AARP. Its a call center. I felt comfortable when I was there. Nice building, nice location, nice people, all you could ask for, plus a great starting salary. Looking forward to my first day on Monday. In the meantime I will finish up this week at Giant.

Took Darian to the ER yesterday. They say she has scabies, but I think they are just incompetent. They barely looked at the rash. They hardly asked questions. Tommorrow she goes to the Dr. and hopefully they will be better, but somehow I doubt it. I will have "real" insurance before you know it, and get to go to a real Dr. I'd prefer somewhere away from my house, as I don't like this area. Guy at work today told me... "never go to St Joes" I wish I'd known that before, but when you look at the area.. I should've known.

Still feeling kind of sad today, worrying mostly. They will be doing a background check, and I wonder, if they have any problems with my credit. Its the worst. I need this job though to work on paying off my debts, and well.. still wanting to declare bankruptcy, on what I can. Thinking of all the things I have to do before winter, new tires, possibly get my car inspected (new exhaust system).. etc..etc. I definately need to get prepared early.

Missing T. like crazy. He's been busy the last few days. Not sure doing what... but I'll ask him today. It was nice, I got to tell him first. I immediately called his house, and he picked up from the machine.. so it was nice to hear his voice. He said he mite be going to NY this weekend, and if he does.. he can't come see me. I know its important to him, so I'm not pissed about it, but... I know I will go crazy.

I realized today... why it is.. I'm a bit uncomfortable in this area/ and with my daughters school. Its not really because white is the minority, which is different for me, its more the fact that I feel stupid. I am one of few whites here, and I can't speak spanish. I have no idea what is going on most the time, and just feel lost. I can't believe I didn't realize what it was before. I was feeling bad.. thinking... god.. what is my problem, why do you get such a weird feeling about this place.. and its not because of minorities.. or anything... just because I feel stupid. I feel lost.

I wonder where my life will go from here. I wonder what comes next. When will I be able to control these mood swings.. when will I be more happy than sad. I think I should go to bed, I'm exhausted. Not sure if I will though.

Contemplating...

My good friend M. just mentioned to me, about my posts. One day, I'm in heaven, one day I feel as if I'm in hell. I am really tired of the mood swings. I begin to wonder, how did I get in this place, how do I get better, how do I move on.

For the most part lately, I've been alot happier. I'm just so confused still on who I am, and where I'm going in my life. I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm sad.

I keep thinking about all the things EPB said to me last nite, when he was screaming at me. I know I hurt him. I did love him, I still do, just I'm not happy. I feel trapped, I feel sad, and I don't like being in the relationship with him. He thinks its because of something he did, or because he's not white, but that isn't it. He needs to grow up, get a job... get a life.

"get a haircut, and a real job"
That song came to mind....

I need a strong man, a man that can take care of me. A man that is stable, that can take control when needed to. I feel like I've found that in T. Though, its not been long, I feel so safe, so secure, so loved. I think he's crazy for wanting to put up with me. Crazy for saying he wants me to be his wife. I find him so amazing. He told me he loved me first. I felt like he ment it. He told me what he wanted first, to find someone to love him, to settled down, and eventually have kids... To have a family. I almost cry everytime I play him saying that in my head. Thats all I've ever wanted, was a family.

Speaking of family, they called tonite. It was nice to hear from them. My mom acted like nothing happened in the hospital. I was too worn out to talk about it. I will bring it up next time I hear from them.

Right now, I feel happy, knowing i have someone I love in my life, that I know loves me, but also sad. I wonder if I will end up doing this same thing to T. Will my personality drive him away. Will I decided later I've found something better? At this point I can't imagine anything better. He makes me think about the good things, in my life. The happy little moments, he makes me feel so loved.

I go crazy already. I miss him so much. He's always so busy, and I wondered this before we started dating if he would have time. I just feel like I need too much. I mean, I wish he was here more often. I wish we were together every nite. I wish he was here to hold me every time I feel sad. I love him so much, I find it so crazy.

Crying.. cuz I'm dying inside

I feel so alone, and upset, I almost flipped out on this guy on the phone, and it wasn't even his fault. He was nice about it... but I couldn't stop crying..

I'm so lost... I just don't understand ..

Hitting.. the spot

Got some comments on my blog today, encouraging and wonderful. But if I could get help, if I knew how.. I would. I have no insurance, mostly because someone in this fucking beaucracy, fucked up, and I have to pay for it. I got.. well.. of course government health insurance.. (and I work, and pay taxes), but I don't make much... I moved, reapplied (which I shouldn't of had to do in the first place) and was denied... I MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY!?!?!? WTF!! The letter said... Your semi annual income is 2,900 something. ... and the cut of... is 2,600 something. TEll me how.??? in this world.. can anyone afford health insurance.. on.. less than 6000 dollars a year. The government gives you food stamps, because you can't afford food, but.. you are supposed to be able to get your medications. My medications are over 1,200 dollars a month. I can't pay for any of them. I'm running out of my meds.. and so I'm getting sicker and sicker. Thats both mentally... and physically. My asthma is bad. At work is especially acts up. But thats life.

I have been feeling much more positive. Mostly, cuz I have hope, more hope than I've had in a long time. T. is a very positive influence.. and I believe it has a lot to do with him. Someone wrote on my blog, that love is a choice... not an emotion. (at least I think that is what it said) But.. I believe love is a emotion. I don't have the power, to not love anyone. I do love most everyone I meet. I care about them.... I do want to comment more, because.. this thing.. with EPB, and T.. well.. I wasn't playing them, and I hope the way.. I wrote it didn't seem that way. T. and I were friends, I made it clear to him for a long time, I loved Peter, and we would only be friends. I've been wanting to.. and did.. before I went into the hospital, break up with Peter, but.. being in crisis. he was there for me.. and I undoubtedly.. went back to him. Until, after I realized.. no matter how I was feeling, depressed or not, I didn't want to be with him. I've felt we weren't quite right.. for each other, since the day we met. I've been telling him that for months. He just wouldn't listen. I was broke up with him when I met T., and I wasn't expecting to hit it off so well with him either. BUt I did. It feels right, it feels good. I've not.. felt so positive.. .. about .. things. in so long. Sure.. I'm sure some of it now.. is infatuation..but.. he's been a good friend to me.. for the last few months, listening to my problems.. talking with me.. giving me little pep talks... He was the one there for me the most... , even though it was only on the internet and the phone, he was there more for me .. than my family, my friends.. and even .. EPB.. The things is.. with EPB... I felt trapped... trapped.. and dead. I felt like.. my thoughts and feelings didn't matter. I just wanted him to let go. I think he has. I hope he has. I do still love him.. and always.. will. It just isn't want I need or want in my life.

I want to write more, and perhaps I will later.. but I'm going to play a game with my daughter.

What a weekend....

So much to say, so much thinking going on in my head. Mostly about T. I met him this weekend, it was like wow. I'm tired, so I'm not saying much today, but was at one of my favourite sites just now, and be sure to enter this sweepstakes, Are you Registered to VOTE?

Thanks all. Its helps so much to be positive, and my mood for the most part has been. It helps things flow more smoothly. I have a busy week, so not sure how much I will write here. Working all week, and have Saturday off, and have a job interview, SO EXCITED, on Tuesday... So wish me luck!!

Also check this out... http://scoreboards.hotornot.com/makinglovenotpeace if you are a hotornot member.

What a day...

Well, the other day, EPB, finally agreed it was ok for us to break up. I don't think I ever needed the guy to say it was ok, but... thats him. Well he found out my friend, was coming over, last nite, and he flipped out. He didn't know this "friend" was T., but he did end up finding out. He called me before 7:30 this morning, woke me up, and woke up the rest of the house, after I told him I didn't want to talk to him when he called on the cell. I am at wits end with him. I know I need to tell him the truth, but... I know how hurt he will be. I have to get him to leave me alone. I do care for him, I always will. Just there is something about him, that...I can't live with. The jealous, the obsessiveness... I can't handle it.

Had a wonderful time with T. It was like wow, and I couldn't believe I ever thought, things wouldn't work out. I'm amazed at what a wonderful time we had. Just kissing, talking... and holding each other. At points, things did get a little heavy, after him saying, that.. . He didn't want to have sex, and something about messing things up. I totally understood, but.. there were moments of such passion, where both of us almost lost it. It was so wonderful to be touched, to be held... and caressed... I had a smile from the time he finally arrived, until he left.. and I'm still smiling, because I can't stop thinking about him. He didn't want to leave, and of course I didn't want him to either... He left way later than he has orginally wanted to, but we had a great time. He shared with me so many things, I was most surprised to hear, basically my words of what I wanted and was looking for, coming out of his mouth. "I want a friend, a best friend, a lover, a partner... someone to settle down with, someone I know loves me, someone that needs me as much as I need them." It was so wonderful to hear the same things... He really wowed me. It was so perfect. I shared with him so many things, he knows so much about me... and he still wants to stick around. It does so amaze me. Watching him watch Darian was amazing also. When we went to lunch, she wanted to hold his hand and not mine. She was excited.

Not sure what to say, but.. he told me wants me and I want him. I feel so happy inside. Being around him, makes me remember the happy times in my life. Its wonderful.

More Journaling....

August 31st, 2004

I sit here again, more relaxed, but also stressed inside, watching Maury, and interesting episode, cheaters. I then wonder, is me, sharing being so open with T., is that a betrayal to EPB?? Talk with T. makes me feel so good, I wonder often what a relationship would be like. Is jumping from one relationship to another fair either? Is it fair to break EPB's heart? I can't say, though that I would be breaking up with EPB for T. I'd be breaking up with him for a chance to move on with my life, a chance to be happy. I wonder if T. has become attached to me and I wonder if I'll hurt him too. I had a wonderful talk with T., last nite, I think we talked close to 4 hours and I feel I really opened up to him alot. I shared with him the letter, and how I was confused by the fact that he said he loved me. And I questioned his meaning of it. I guess cuz I've been told I'm loved before and it was not sincere. I need to feel loved as well as be told. I need to really feel it.

I do love Peter, but being with him doesn't make me happy anymore. I wish I could write him a letter and it would help him understand, but I feel like he never will. I need him to let go now, not because I want to die, but because I need something different than he does. I"m at ends wondering if Peter realizes what is coming. We've hardly spoken since my release from the hospital. WE have nothing much to say, and he hasn't come to see me. He hasn't offered, he hasn't asked. We haven't even talked about it. I don't feel sad about it, just indifferent. I wish that I could say something so he wouldn't be hurt. I wish I could change things. But I can't wait around for him to grow up, to mature, and decide he wants a family. I want the chance to find someone, whom can be my best friend, my lover, and some day my husband. I want a family.