Well....

Don't really write here anymore, but I should, then I know, only 1 person who will read it. Noone really seems to care regardless, but I know my best friend, Lisa will read this.

I had a wonderful Valentines Day, with my dear sweet friend, and spent most of my bday with my best friend Shannon. It was more than I could of imagined. Then I come home, and feel like shit.

Then I go up north and visit my family, and that was good too, I miss it.

Then I come back here, and I could kill. I want to kill him, (My aunts fiance), I want to kill myself. I want to kill anyone that pisses me off. I hate, I have anger. & now, I'm so lonely and scared and frustrated, I can't deal with this.

I'm physically sick. I've had a migraine on and off for over a week. Today I had a fever, and a stomache since about 5 o'clock.

I wish when I go over to my bed in a few minutes, I never wake up, but it would never happen to me, I think I was meant to be hurt and tortured. I just want to die, and I think only my weakness stops me now.

Well thats not totally true. I am reminded of my promise to my daughter, but that doesn't include self injury, and now I am obsessing about that as well.

HELP ME. I feel so alone. I can't call anyone, so my list doesn't do me any good... My aunt... oh just so conviently forgot to pay the cell bill.

FUCK HER, FUCK HIM.. FUCK YOU ALL..
I'm so angry right now, I just want someone I love to hold me... ie: Lisa, Shannon, Darian, Sunny, or even my Valentine........ anyone else... I pretty much want to go away. I can't stand interaction, and it angers me even more.

My letter to him...

I love you, Danny. This will always be true. I don't hate you, nor will I ever. I just pray that you find your faith again, and that he shows you the way. You deserve true happiness, and I feel you let things overcome that. Have faith in yourself. I will always have faith in you.

I know you don't seem to like that I said, basically that you have a drinking problem. I say things because i'm concerned and I don't want you to find out the hard way like I did. I felt like I lost my life when I got a dui, and every time, even though, my record is sealed. Every time I have to bring it up, I feel that regret in my life. As a child, it almost killed my brother. Recently it almost killed him again. I have parents that don't give a shit. Don't become that type of person. Alcohol can control you without you knowing. Ask yourself. WHy do you drink? does that hangover feel good? is it worth it? I worry about you, I worry about your brother. Think to yourself... that car you hit.. think, what if that was a person. Would it be worth, risking drinking and driving.. ??? Think of what you'd lose if you did get caught. Think of the same for your brother.

Again, I only say this because I care.

I love you Danny, and as much as I am hurting, I am more concerned about you. I've gotten past these types of things before. My heart will heal in time. I've learned much from being with you. I've grown. I'm thankful to have met you. I finally opened myself up to many things. Things I will continue to grow from.

After you graduate, take some time, to really think about your life, and what you are really looking for. Please, if you aren't sure what you want, and you meet a wonderful woman, don't tell her.. until you spend some time together. I know I get hooked too fast. And I get carried away with the fantasy, of what I want. A husband, a family, its something I've desired for a long time. Take your time. Realize when you are trying to run away. I still feel that is what you've done in our relationship. I know my illness didn't help. I know in my heart, I did drive you crazy, and upset you at times. FOr me.. though, all the goodness... in our relationship outweighed the bad. I woudn't give it up for the world. Ever.

I love you Danny, and remember you can call me anytime you want. If you are worried, or lonely, or just wanting to see how I'm doing.. you can. I would love that. But I will do ok. I always am, remember you told.. me.. yourself. I am a strong woman. I will survive,and now I have even more faith.

Just always love like you've never been hurt before. I'll always love with my all, and expect nothing less in return. One of my faults. I want it all.

You will find what you are looking for in life. And I'm sad its not me, but believe me, I understand to a degree. I've broken some hearts, and knowing I never did it to hurt the other. I just needed something different than they had, and I knew overall, I wouldn't be happy with them.

Don't beat yourself up. Over this, or other mistakes you've made.

I love you.

Julie Ann

Lost but Healing

I lost him. I made him my world. That is how I love, with my all. I am not over this, nor will I fully be, because I have learned many valuable lessons. Lessons I will never forget.

My heart aches for the pain, and the loss. I only hope he can find his way. I know in time I will, I just need patience. The pain is too much at times, but I feel it. I don't like it, but I'm dealing with it. I'm looking for support from my friends, from my family, the ones that are always there.

I've heard too many times, I love you, I want to marry you. I will fully believe this, when I feel no doubts. When the man has the ring, and puts in on my finger. I'm not talking about a diamond. I hate diamonds, but my man will know that.

That and many other quirks I have. He will know that I need him to make love to me, with his all. I need him to make love to me, with his mouth and his hands, and his flesh, all this without intercourse.

I need a man that will accept me as I am, and love me that way. But will be able to deal with me as I change. Who will try to support me, as I will him. I want a man that won't give up on me, no matter how bad it looks, or who won't give up on us. I want a man, that knows what commitment is, and is always motivated to do the right thing.

I want a man with passion. Passion for me, passion for life, passion to make a difference.

I have faith, I will find him. Or... shall I say.. Actually.. He shall find me.