I had some crazy dreams last nite. I dreamt that Jenn was visiting me, and I was too busy and lost track of time. I was almost 2 hours late for work… so I kept trying to dial the number and.. it wouldn’t work.. I kept miss dialing.. . I never did get thru.. but.. I tried for over a half hour. I was crazy.

Things are going ok.. I keep telling myself.. to not see Matt again. I’m really pissed. I don’t’ know what to think. Some girl was on his messenger last nite.. named Rachel.. and she was talking to me.. while he was playing a game. Should I want to date him? (um.. maybe) Should I even try? (NO) let him come to me.. if he wants something…. He needs to call me. I guess.. overall it is just his loss. I am trying to move on already. If he wants to see me, that will be fine. But I’ve changed my mind and won’t take a day off for him. Anyway.. it is hard. It sucks

Well.. work is going good. I need to quit surfing the net and work on my homework. I guess the first step on this is to quit typing here.

Well.. I"m back.. back again..

Um.. things are going better. Having a nice time here at Susan's house. Not sure what to do about getting an apartment though. I'm going crazy. I really don't want to pay for a storage unit another month. Reminds me.. I need to give them my new address.

I think I'm receiving mixed signals from Matt. He seems a little stand offish.. but always I'ms me immediately upon my arrival online. I dont' get men. Um.. I just .. well.. I really would like to date him.. I think( he's not the only one.. but anyway) But.. I dunno what to think. I think Matt just came online.. and .. he did.. and he I'med me already. Um.. he was kind of iffy though when I asked him.. to go to the movies with me Sunday. I guess we will see.

Well.. I thought.. i would have a good nite.. and go to bed early.. but Darian woke up.. so I'm sure I will have a hell of a time. I also finally got my first Draft of my essay done. I hve a feeling I will be printing off my final draft right before class.. I am going to try and make it to the writing center tomorrow for help.. I just hope Wil will be around to babysit for me.

well I'm doing good on writing here more often. I guess it may also help with my writing skills. I also gave another friend the link to this.. so I will have more people reading this. Mostly .. I regret.. giving the link to one person.. ( I think) because then I can't write about him.. with out him knowing how i feel about him.

I also clicked on this link from Michel blog.. and this is the link.. that it said I could publish.. I hope this works..
I'm a Sex on the Beach, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!

I don't know what my problem is today. I can't stop crying. I walked into this room earlier.. and was glad that I removed the knifes from here a few days ago. I was under so much tension, and sadness, I wanted to hurt myself. I am somewhat glad there was not a knife within reach. I hate feeling like this. My life seems so hopeless. I am seriously contimplating... leaving after next semester of school.. going back to PA.. and try to be satisfied making 5.15 an hour at the local store. Can I be happy that way.?

What do I really want in life? I want to be loved, and to fit in. I don't know that I will ever feel those things. I haven't allowed myself yet. I'm scared, today is part of my moving on. I hope I have enough money by the end of the month.. to move. I am doubting i will. I can't even find anything that I need. I hate this.

I must go now.. I have a splitting headache.

Overall, I had a good day. I just had to tell someone something, I did not want to tell him, but because I am an honest person. I had to tell him. I told him about my secret. The secret I only have to tell close people, that have an interest in having sex with me. I wish that there was not such thing as sex sometimes.

I also initiated a strange conversation with another friend. Although, the response I got was strange.. I learned a few things.

Well, back to the orginal someone. Now he says.. he will still come over, and that we can be friends... but no sex. I really don't want sex though.. I seem to go after it though. I don't know what I'm trying to prove. I just want to feel loved. I always go about it the WRONG way. Well this guy.. I sort of told him, I didnt' want to see him agian, and since I'm moving... and he's leaving in a few weeks... I'm not sure if I will. I guess we will see. I really like him, and right now my heart aches... I feel so sad.

I guess I will go to bed now, and hope to dream... of maybe the cure to my sexual problem.. and to the rest of my problems. I want to dream only of happiness and love.

Gosh, I haven't written in here in quite a while. Things are going pretty good. I'm about to move out. Having a little trouble letting go. I will miss the internet and my friends. It will be hard for me. I do have some other good news. No.. I did not win the lottery.. I'm still broke. :)

Well, this guy, that I've been chatting with.. and actually I've been chatting for over a year I believe. Well, he just got back from Korea, (he's in the army). And he came and helped me move. He is really nice. I'm really attracted to him. It is nice to give and receive affection. I went over to his house today. It was very nice. Sweet, and he acts like such a gentleman. Not sure where this is going... but it doesn't seem like a bad thing. Not sure that I want something serious, because he will be leaving again soon. But.. having someone nice to spend time with is wonderful.

I've been doing good in school also. Averaging A's & B's it seems. I have another essay to write. I'm worried about the move. I am paranoid, I will not have enough money. I will miss my friends online. They keep me sane. I will definately miss chatting with Michel nightly. Haven't seen him much this week though.

I got my Box-address today. I got it at Mailboxes Etc. It was like 45 dollars.But it will work, for what I need it to work for. Can't wait to have my own apt. I feel like I will never have the money. I wish things were easier.. but that is life. Um.. I've skipped work all week. I have not been feeling that great. Well I am tired and shall go to bed... hopefully will keep up with my blog better... if at all possible.