Is bringing faith into my life. I feel things, I've never felt before. I more than ever want to find faith. I more than ever want to make a difference in the world. I have hope for the future. I still have my worries, but hopefully in the next few months, they will calm.
In therapy, because of something that he said to me, I opened to my therapist my need to discuss my past, the past that is haunting me. That is what we are working on next week.
I am having more inspirations. I want to lose weight, not just to feel more beautiful, but to feel on the outside what I am feeling on the inside. I want to be so beautiful on my wedding day. I want him to always look at me, and know that all the men around him are envious. Not only because I am beautiful, but because I am the total package. Sexy, intelligent, loyal, loving & couragous. He told me I am strong. I know I am, but I forget. I needed reminded.
I thank God for the strength I've had. I know many have worse lives, and I hope one day to have more strength to help those that need someone to lean on.
"Lean on me" thats me and my best friends song. I think she is the only one in the world that shares that special song with me.
I've been up talking to an ex, a friend, one who needs God in his life. He always had so much faith. He was there, in my heart when I tried to kill myself. He was one of the reasons I changed my mind about my death. I came closer than I ever had.
Never again.
I will never again, attempt such things. I am glad they barely cross my mind. My daughter so far in her life, has never doubted my love. That is something I find important. My therapist said to me... " if you killed urself, it is something that would happen, she would doubt your love towards her." I could never do that to her. I could never put her thru what I go thru every day. Doubting the love my parents have for me. I think I will always doubt it... though hopefully one day I will be ok with it.
Many love me.... and I know this....
Darian
My Grammy
My Aunt Sally
My love, Danny
My best friend, Shannon
My other best friend, Lisa
My kitties, Babe, Callie & Phoenix - Animals love unconditional like children
& I know everyone on this list loves me unconditionally... and despite any angry they ever felt towards me.. ( or frustration) their love always continued, and I never doubted it....
I know many others love me, but because of my personality and mood disorders, if you aren't there for me, I forget. I know in my mind, that u are there, dispite, but my emotions take over, and I go wild with doubt. These people on my list (and Danny being new... and maybe I will lose that faith, but I hope not.. ) never gave me that feeling, that doubt... that emotional trama....
And its something I need.
Thank you, God. I hope one day, I will feel that you love me unconditionally... and if not, I know you know that I'm trying. My faith is weak, but I shall yet, seek and find my truth.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Monday, January 16, 2006
The Last Month - The New Year
So much has happened in the last month, I'm not even sure where to begin.
A little over a month ago, I met D., Well, started talking to him online. He emailed me thru hotornot. After emailing back and forth a few days, I asked if we could talk on the phone, and he gave me his number. We've talked ever day since. We met over New Years Weekend. We fell in love before we met, but held it back until we met. It was wonderful. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. It felt great. He's a handsome, sweet attractive man. I adore him. I want to marry him. Yes, I've been talking to him for a month, and I want to marry him.
The first nite I went down to Baltimore I ended up staying at his house. He lives with his parents, so they fixed up a guest bed for me. I love D, and part of the reason I feel I love him more, is because I know its not about sex. We haven't had sex yet. We've fooled around a little bit, and even slept in the same bed more than once, but we haven't made love. I know it will be good once we do, but it doesn't seem that important.
His smile makes me melt, the way he looks at me. I told him yesterday, I didn't see passion between us, and although I can say that, I am not sure how to describe it. I'm not sure how passion exists without sex, because I've never had that. I feel comfort in him. I feel comfort with him. We have alot in common, despite all of the differences in the way we have been raised. We both love music, him a bit more than me, but he actually has musical talent. Both love Harleys... :) Both Love Girly Mags ;) lol, fhm, playboy.. etc... *giggles*. The fact that we both enjoy learning, and like to help people is a big thing I love that we have in common. He's already an electrician. (he's 26 like me), and now he's in the academy, and is going to be a police officer. I find it amazing. He likes to watch some of the same types of movies as me... he's very open, and accepting. We have a similar sense of humor, believer family is important, and love kids.
I wonder about the future though, and wonder if all my hopes, our hopes will come true. I've already changed something about my future, and my therapist thinks its strictly because of a man. Thing is, in a way it is, but if I would of found out about the tranferability of this course, in regards to moving elsewhere I'd drop it as well. I dropped it because I want to move to Maryland so D, and I can be together. Is this wrong? I don't really want to move, but I couldn't ask him to, he's settled in that, thats where is job is. My job is changable. I don't feel like I'm giving up anything though, I feel like I'm going to make my future better. I feel like D., and I will be working on something good together. I feel like people judge me harshly because I have a mental illness. So yes, I know I can't depend on a man to make me happy, and I don't expect that, its just I do want someone to share my life with. I want someone to help, that can help me. I don't think anyone should have to be alone. I want a family.
I want to type so much more, but I have too many thoughts in my head right now to really figure it all out.
A little over a month ago, I met D., Well, started talking to him online. He emailed me thru hotornot. After emailing back and forth a few days, I asked if we could talk on the phone, and he gave me his number. We've talked ever day since. We met over New Years Weekend. We fell in love before we met, but held it back until we met. It was wonderful. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. It felt great. He's a handsome, sweet attractive man. I adore him. I want to marry him. Yes, I've been talking to him for a month, and I want to marry him.
The first nite I went down to Baltimore I ended up staying at his house. He lives with his parents, so they fixed up a guest bed for me. I love D, and part of the reason I feel I love him more, is because I know its not about sex. We haven't had sex yet. We've fooled around a little bit, and even slept in the same bed more than once, but we haven't made love. I know it will be good once we do, but it doesn't seem that important.
His smile makes me melt, the way he looks at me. I told him yesterday, I didn't see passion between us, and although I can say that, I am not sure how to describe it. I'm not sure how passion exists without sex, because I've never had that. I feel comfort in him. I feel comfort with him. We have alot in common, despite all of the differences in the way we have been raised. We both love music, him a bit more than me, but he actually has musical talent. Both love Harleys... :) Both Love Girly Mags ;) lol, fhm, playboy.. etc... *giggles*. The fact that we both enjoy learning, and like to help people is a big thing I love that we have in common. He's already an electrician. (he's 26 like me), and now he's in the academy, and is going to be a police officer. I find it amazing. He likes to watch some of the same types of movies as me... he's very open, and accepting. We have a similar sense of humor, believer family is important, and love kids.
I wonder about the future though, and wonder if all my hopes, our hopes will come true. I've already changed something about my future, and my therapist thinks its strictly because of a man. Thing is, in a way it is, but if I would of found out about the tranferability of this course, in regards to moving elsewhere I'd drop it as well. I dropped it because I want to move to Maryland so D, and I can be together. Is this wrong? I don't really want to move, but I couldn't ask him to, he's settled in that, thats where is job is. My job is changable. I don't feel like I'm giving up anything though, I feel like I'm going to make my future better. I feel like D., and I will be working on something good together. I feel like people judge me harshly because I have a mental illness. So yes, I know I can't depend on a man to make me happy, and I don't expect that, its just I do want someone to share my life with. I want someone to help, that can help me. I don't think anyone should have to be alone. I want a family.
I want to type so much more, but I have too many thoughts in my head right now to really figure it all out.
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