Together

Chris and I are back together, as of 11:07pm on the 22nd of October. He didn't want to let me back in because he didn't want me to run away again. And I wanted a commitment, so I wouldn't get pulled away from him.

Despite us being.... "not together" we still had talked every day, fought, and sometimes even console each other. There is so much we have to work out, if we really want this to work out though. I'm scared.

I can't say I regret breaking up with him. We both learned some lessons from it, We are both trying to communicate more effectively.

I just hope I've made the right choice. I don't know how we are going to do this.

Guilt

I sit here now, and feel guilty. Should I?
He's at Max's right now, waiting for her. Her. The Her that doesn't exist.
As soon as "CARESA" came alone, he ditched his plans with me, saying he had prior plans with his "buddies". Then I found out about her, he had some story for that too. Then he tells "CARESA" that he has Friday off, and tells me some stupid ass story. He tells "CARESA" that his friends got him drunk and he partied on both Wednesday & Friday, to kind of show off. Tells her, that he is free all day on Sunday. Also tells her, when talking about his job " work a lot, but getting time off isn't usually hard" It's like he's two different people. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, because I think he's a liar. I am crazy, for even involving myself with him.


He changed his passwords, and thinks I don't know who he writes to, or what about. He thinks I'm this crazy bitch. I would of married him like that, just liked that. Probably still would, if there were no more lies.

I don't understand why I keep meeting these guys that have problems just telling the truth. What did I do? Why do I have to sit here alone, crying. I'm a beautiful woman. All I want right now is to be held.

I want to meet a nice man, that tells me the truth. A man that will take me out to dinner, or make me something at home. One that knows I'm something precious, and will not hide anything from me.

I've been in a lot of relationships where I could care less about their email, or this or that..., but when you want to hide it, the more I want to see it.

I don't know how to get away from this, except, to get away from the internet again.

Today

I want things to be a certain way. In a way, they are. I sit here and wonder what C. is doing and who he's doing it with. Little does he know, his date won't show up. I'm an evil bitch. Fuck with me, and I'll fuck back. I didn't want to hurt him, but I know at some point he will read this and he will know, he'll know something.

I sat and tried to read some blogs, some old blogs, This goes back quite a few years. My life is sad, very sad. I've never lived my own life. I always was able to live it thru others, and don't know what to do now.

Please save me.
Set me free.
Give me life.
Give me Liberty.

Give me Hope,
its what I need,

Take away my sorrows,
Take away my pain,
Take away the thoughts,
and all the self harm.

Let me be a better person,
Let me see past the lies,
Let me see the truth,
Let me know he's tried.

Now

Now I seem to have to move my blog, because I don't want him reading it, its only fair he can put up comments, but wtf, why lie to me again. Why?

And what the fuck does any of this matter. I could die tommorrow. I could die Tuesday, so could you, so could anyone....

I really hope this DBT stuff helps, because this is the only thing I have left to hope for... the only thing... and the hope, I wouldn't really say its hope... Its a conscience, a guilt, that people try to trip me on, because I have a kid. FUCK THEM, and FUCK YOU, if you don't feel I have a right to die. I have nothing to live for. Not now....
I haven't for a long time.

HIM

Its been over for a few weeks, and he thinks he's so slick. He decides its over, says he's talked to his "DR", and that it was now a lost cause... even after last nite, he still wasn't getting it.

I kept telling him, our love, and our both wanting a family wasn't enough to stay together.... but he wouldn't let go. It took a girl sending him naked pics, and me snooping in his email to get him to do it. I asked him for months to change his password. I told him of my snooping past. Its an addiction to me. Only I'm sure she said more to him, than he says... and I'm sure that it was more than him just talking to his Dr... to get him to change his password.

I hate liars. But I love him.