Personality Disorder?? me? NEVER!!!

dependent


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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Inner Child

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
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Color Test- What Color Are You?

You are orange. You are emotional. Outside, you are bitter and stubborn, inside you are hopeful, hoping someone will come save you from the bitterness of your own mind. You constantly feel the need to prove yourself, and you look up to those who can make thier dreams happen. You are broken, but not beyond repair like maroon.

What inner color are you?

Pain free and lonely me

Not much to blog about. Feeling quite lonely, and left out I suppose. I've realized recently, I don't have as many true friends as I thought I did, just acquaintainces, and that is something I've never really brought to my reality. Sad but true.

No headaches, for about 4 days now !!! Terrific news!!

I feel alot of pain because I'm not as close to certain family members. I think back and its not any different from being in Wichita. No phone calls, no letters. Although I do see this person once in a while, I don't really get to talk to her. I hate it. I want to be closer to someone in my family. I want to really feel like someone cares. I mean this person decided on a date for an important event, and where it was going to be, and didn't bother to tell me, but told everyone else. I hate feeling like an outsider. I want my own family. I want my own place in life. I want my own place in this world. Although it is a world, I would never want to own up to. It is an angry evil place. I want to find the good in life. I want to go with what I truely believe, that most people are good. I want to see it for myself though.

Not sure what else to say... Although I am bothered, because Calin said I seemed to be cold lately. And then he wouldn't explain himself. It makes my heart ache. Although it already does because I miss him so. I keep having this feeling, that we are wasting our time, and no matter what we do, we won't be together. I know that is my negativeness, but no matter how much I try and stay positive about out future that comes to me.

I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying right now. Feeling so alone, and lonely.. and not wanted... I'm hurting alot inside. I need to be held. I need to be loved.

One day I will find what I need.

Something to think about.

I sit here realizeing that my life is going nowhere really fast. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck between wanting to rule the world, and wanting to go up to my bed, and sleep forever. I hate that I have to feel this emotional pain. I hate feeling the physical pain I feel almost on a daily basis. I fear going out and forgetting my medicine.

I am also sitting here feeling guilty for my grandmother having missing 120 dollars. It was only my sister and I in the house, and then the money was gone. I know I didn't take it. Why do I feel so guilty. Because I allowed myself to let her in. She's my fucking sister for Christ sake. I didn't steal the money, I don't have any proof she did either. But either way, I'm not responsible. Then why do both my grandma and my aunt find me responsible. Maybe cuz my whole family is fucked up. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for something I didn't do, I have enough guilt on my shoulders, from things I did do

I'm also feeling bad because I've no wedding plans yet. Calin wants me to wait till he is here, and it is driving me nuts. So nuts that I'm having negative thoughts about the whole thing. I guess I just don't want to be ill prepared. That and I guess I'm jealous, cuz my gram is helping Sally, and I know that noone will help me with my wedding plans. It drives me crazy. I just wish I could feel as if I belonged to a part of my family. I know in my head, that I never will though.

Something else I wanted to ponder. The other day in partial.. I played the most violent sport on earth. It was ping pong. YOu should of been there. I almost got my head taken off. It was all in good fun though.

Thoughts: a little confused, erriatic, negative, and a little suicidal
Interruptions: positive affirmations, and positive reinforcement.

I am trying to enjoy my life, its a hard struggle though.

The Day After the Day After

Feeling a little emotional now. Not feeling depressed today, so its a big move. I didn't take the Trazadone last nite either. I feel like I was a little rude to Calin today, when the things he did made my feelings hurt. I just don't know why I am so emotional, and so overly sensitive. The whole arguement we had was stupid, and I'm glad its over. Each time we do have an arguement, I feel closer in the end. I feel like we've always made a big step towards the better future that we both want.

My grandmother is driving me crazy. Ordering me around. Telling me she's going to put my cat to sleep, when she puts the dog to sleep. The dog is sickly. My cat is healthy and vibrant. I want to take my cat, and my daughter and leave. I've talked to my mom about staying with her. My brother agrees I can. I just have to talk to my stepdad. I don't know if I can handle it there much better either.

Either way... Life goes on!!

Thanksgiving

Where to begin? I am thankful for what I have, Darian, Calin.. my aunt, my cat, my sisters and brothers.. and for all the things I do have. But.. I'm missing what I've always wanted, a real family. I don't feel like my family really loves me. They are not affectionate, and well, never have been that I can remember. Why is that a problem for me? I really don't know.

Ever since my first boyfriend, Clair, all I've really wanted to be was married. I dated him for 6 years on and off, and always thought we'd be married. We both talked about it alot, it seems, as I look upon those days. In the end it didn't work out, and I'm glad, because now I have Darian, and Calin, the two I am most thankful for having.

I know I can't change my family, but I don't feel I have to be around them like this either. I don't like it, and I certainly don't want it. I'm feeling very depressed and sad today. Missing my Calin. .. and missing what I want my holidays to be like. I can not wait till that is changed, and I can spend my holidays with him.

I guess I just want my family to do things for me like other familys do. To love me, to hold me.. to comfort me. I know that will never happen, but it is hard to accept. I want to be held, loved, and comforted, especially on days like today. I haven't had a family dinner in about 3 years.. so maybe that is why today was harder than I really even thought it would be.

I didn't realize till partial yesterday, though, how much I really didn't like holidays. I've never really enjoyed them. They bring too much tension, just like Darian's birthday party did. I've had those suicidal thoughts, something I haven't had in a while. I just feel like my world is falling apart. These headaches are really getting to me. I've had one almost everyday now for a week. The medicine takes care of them for the most part, but they are still very stressful. I don't know what to do about them. That or my car. It sucks... but oh well, that's life. I'm not lucky enough to get everything handed to me on a golden platter, like others I know. I've never been that fortunate, nor will I ever be. Which can be a good thing, because it makes me appreciate things more, and not take everything for granted.

Imagine being 16 years old, and your mom pouring you coffee, and making you toast for breakfast, and serving it to you. Imagine being 21 and having your own place with your boyfriend, and having your parents pay some bills, help fix your house, and also pay for the car you are driving, and the insurance. Imagine that. My parents haven't really done shit for me, and never will. Nor would I ever even ask them for anything.

Romanian Website

Overall things are going good. C.'s modem took a crap, so he won't be online in the next few days. Hopefully he will get some rest, that he really needs and deserves.

Well in my search to learn more about Romania.. I ran across this website. ..
I found her story.. most intrigueing and have been reading it for the last hour or so. (Many interruptions) I wanted to email her, but all I get is a error code. I found many of the recipes interesting, and wonder if C. uses any of them at his home. I therefore pretty much printed out all the soup recipes. Wish me luck.. lol :)

I feel so lucky to be alive, and know that life has good things in store for me. I just mailed out the invitation for C. and we are hoping to get an appointment soon. We just have an unanswered question.. and trying to get ahold of the Ambassy.. or something. Wish us luck, I'm getting excited that we will marry in June if all goes well.

Anger

It's ANGER,
It's HATE,
Its LOVE,
I can't take.

It makes me crazy,
It makes me sad,
It makes me emotional,
It makes me mad.

I can't take it,
I shouldn't say,
I wish the sky
would turn,
from blue to grey.

Then it would feel,
as I do,
Then I could see,
my anger too.

FUCK IT

I am soooo FUCKING angry right now.. I want to scream, cry, or break something. I waited two and half hours for Calin today. Something that seems to become a new habit of his. And where was he? At the pub, watching a game. Where does that put me as a priority in his life 0, where do I put him, prolly number 3, after taking care of Darian and myself. This pisses me off to no end. I'm even more pissed, because I get back online, to see if he's come home and ... it shows he's offline, but he's really there, invisible.. and I wonder, what does he hide from? Me? Another woman? who? Then he says only a few words, and I'm so angry I put myself on invisible.. cuz I don't know what to say. And he leaves. I really want to talk to him about all this, but because I'm angry I don't think I can. But I tried to call him anyway.. and no answer.

I'm beginning to wonder about all this. I don't know if its cuz he's so far away, of because of past boyfriends or what. But I'm beginning to think this is all bullshit. Him, me.. anything. Maybe he is using me to get a visa and live in America.. but then why would he suggest moving to another country ?? I don't know, but I didn't like that discussion either, about moving somewhere else, to start new, somewhere outside the US.

I'm now feeling so sad, I'm tring not to cry. I don't know what to do, to say to him. I don't know what to feel. I feel so FUCKING alone. I need someone right now. I think I'll go to a chat room and see what I can find.

WISH ME LUCK

I'm BACK.....

Here I am. Safe and sound. I signed myself into the hospital shortly after I wrote the last post. I was there until Thursday afternoon. Attended partial on Friday, and made it thru the weekend.

I feel more secure with myself now. Although, I am beginning to doubt my relationship. I feel I rely on it too much for my own happiness. I want to find my true happiness, without having to be in a relationship. I do love C. so much. I truely do, he is so wonderful. Just I feel that lately... he hasn't much time for me... and it hurts. I don't want to feel that kind of pain, just because he is leading a normal life over in Romania. I lead my life... and do many things here. Of course... I will hold out, and wait, and see what trying to be patient brings me. He is a wonderful man and I am grateful to share this time with him

I attended evening church with my brother tonite. I was wonderful. The pastor and their family was so loving and nice to be around. It was a different type of church than I'm used to, but would love to attend again.

I am grateful also to be alive today, and have shared my life with so many people.... I am so happy to be alive. My spirit has been awoken :)

The Day

I don't know what to really type here. I'm on the edge. I want to die, but I don't. I can't deal with my life. I feel the only way out of this pain is death. How do normal people deal with this? I want to go into the hospital. I have to, I don't know if anyone will listen though. I have noone to take care of Darian. I don't know what to do. I wish I had someone to hold me and love me. I need that right now, more than anything in the world. Why does living have to be so hard. Why are there no rewards? I NEED HELP. I pray.. please help me.

Living

I don't know how to deal with my gram. I wish I did. She is so intolerable. She purposely picks fights, I think that is how she feels loved. I told her tonite... if she wanted me to leave all she had to do was say so. She drives me up a wall. BItching for an hour on what to have for dinner. I didn't want any dinner, I am not hungry, nor feeling good. BItching because I swore in front of my daughter. That is my business, not hers. I hate being here. I know Darian feels the stress, but I still don't know what to do or say. I don't belong here, I know that.
I am just soo tired, this is the second day of tiredness.. (well half the day yesterday) earlier in the day yesterday, I worked my butt off, and Gram of course didnt appreciate it. Also today is the third day for my headache. I wish they would go away.
I guess that is life.
Today, in group, they asked me all kinds of questions about my relationship with C. I answered them all. I realistically believe C. and I are meant to be together, and that we can have a healthy relationship.

Feelings

Again, the moodiness..going from feeling ok.. to miserable.. but.. I'm trying to cope a little better. Talked to my mom and stepdad today, and hopefully they are going to do the paperwork I need done.. for C. to come up. I am hoping..they acted like they would fill it out. Crossing my fingers. I feel that C. and I will be great together, and I want to share my life with him. I've missed him today. We missed each other online. I had an errand to do, and then I forgot to do something and I had to go back to Bradford. I was so mad. I got that game returned though. Thank goodness.

I get to go on a field trip with Darian to a farm. Hope I am feeling better tommorrow. I had one of my headaches today. Darian will be sleepy, she was up late tonite. I feel bad.. cuz she is cranky and sleepy. I feel it has something to do with the tensions of living here. I wish I could do something.

Well I am off for the nite, trying to get my email to work.

Life AND Death

I hate going from feeling ok.. to feeling miserable, because of the way I take peoples words and attitudes. My gramma is always dogging me. SHe blamed me for my aunt not calling, cuz my aunt is talking to me online. Her throat hurts. My gram just ignores me. What do I do. I have been trying to do what i've learned of my coping skills. It doesn't help. I have tears in my eyes.. and my heart hurts. Hurts from the pain. I can't stand it. My thoughts then go to dying, to cutting. I know I can control that. .. but they thoughts, they border obsessive... they won't go away when I feel like this.

I need to be held, I need to feel loved. I don't feel loved here. I hate that my grandmother acts this way. I know I can't change her.. but I don't know why I should sit here and take this. I have nowhere else to go though. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

Today

Not sure what to say about today. I tried to sooth my anger that I felt towards my grandmother. I feel it more and more. I do not like the anger I feel. I wish I could do something, something to make it easier here.

Things with C. and I are going good. I've missed him this weekend, we didn't really talk much this weekend. I can't wait for him to be here though. I just wish I could do the paperwork myself, instead of having to ask someone else to do it for me. IT SUCKS.

Tommorrow I will be going to Darian's school. That will be fun.

The love I cherish,
The love I see,
It is right there..
waiting for me..

Waiting for me,
To be free,
Of this pain,
I hold inside me.

The pain I hold,
wants to leave,
I feel it inside,
I want to believe

I want to believe,
That the pain is gone,
I can't feel it now,
but it will be back before long.

I AM GOING TO GO TO HELL- THE 7TH LEVEL

I took this test.. I found it funny, and well i'm prolly going to the 7th level of hell, because I answered that I do not believe in God. That is prolly a big one.
Check it out!!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Personality Test

Why do my mom and I have the same internet.. only mine at its best is.. like 21kbps and hers is 49.2 kbps. You be darn I am going to call and find out. Well anyway...
the real reason I posted is cuz I took a personality test.. and here are the results :

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Wedding Bells in the Air....

I'm in one of those moods, the ones i'm not used to. I'm not completely in a good mood, but not in a bad one either. Am I the only one that is not used to these days?? I hope not. Well I do know that I am not alone.

C. and I set a date.. June 14th, 2004. It's still unofficial yet.. ya know, still have to get a pastor, and rent the firehall and use the church.. and stuff like that, but hopefull all will work out well. I won't have the money to do these things till after the first of the year anyway. It is still and exciting process.

I cried my eyes out tonite talking with my aunt. I think I needed that release. It is kind of cool, she is planning on getting married soon also. Next year around the same time. We are trying to coordinate so we arent competeing.. and so we dont have such similiar weddings. I don't think that we will. Since she has had a wedding before.. she knows more about planning. I know I helped her make a million flowers for her wedding.. lol

Well all seems ok.. in my neverland. I'm doing ok. I'm working towards that goal of being happier every day. I know one day, I won't doubt happiness, and that makes my life worth living.

My beloved C.

I mean to write C. a letter, but I hope that he will just read this here. I'm pretty sure he reads it every once in a while. As much as I need him, I fear the loss of my own independence. It is something I need. I fear that because he is coming here, He will seriously want to be with me 24/7 and I'm not sure how tolerate I will be of that. Sure at first that is what I want to, I want to spend time getting to know him more, and showing him how much I love him, but after a while, I will become cranky and irratable and depressed. I need time to myself, as well as with my friends and family. I also worry excessively of our finances once he is here. I worry of that all the time, but I wonder how we will get by. I just so much, want to share my life with him, sometimes I am afraid to step up and say what is really on my mind. I've had too many years of pretending nothing is wrong, so it is hard for me to speak up. That is why I am glad that I can write, because it helps me get things out.

I fear the life I have,
I fear the life I want,
I fear the things that have happened,
I fear the fear will always haunt.

If fear was money,
I'd be rich,
but rather I am ordinary,
I am such a bitch.

A bitch with a passion,
A bitch with a care,
A bitch who wants to be
anywhere but there.

For there I fear,
The fear,
the fear that keeps me near
Near the ones that haunt my life
and hold the dreaded mirror.

My Best Friend

I spoke with her tonite. My heart cries out with pain. I have done an aweful thing to her, and she doesn't even know it. The two people closest to her, have hurt her the most. I can't stay silent any longer. I am writing her a letter tonite, and will send it out tommorrow. I can't keep in just because I'm in fear of what it will do to me. She needs to know. She deserves to know, she deserves enough respect to know what is going on. I fear it will ruin my daughters relationship with her daughter. If I don't say or do anything, I will feel guilt for the rest of my life. I told her about my website today, I probably shouldn't have, but I didn't think she would be interested. I feel for her. I wish I could make her happy, I love her so much. I just can't live knowing, I've not told her the truth. I will just have to deal with whatever decision she makes to continue or not continue our relationship. It scares me, but at the same token, I know I have to deal with this. It's been too long.

Borderline

This was sent to me in my BPD group online. Not sure where they found it, but it really hit the spot on how I feel most of the time.

I'm a borderline

that no one listens to

a borderline

that no one sees.

Every day I deal with problems

that seem normal

to everyone but me.




I am unworthwhile as problems go-

I really have it all together,

totally capable in any way.

No one can see me

incapacitated by my own anxiety

immobilized by fear and stress

hidden underneath a sheath

of everyday.




I took some Prozac

to feel better.

A nice band-aid

to cover the spot

of internal bleeding.

It worked.

but I'm still losing jobs

and I am still imploding relationships

like too many seagulls

on alka-seltzer.

But at least I can

better achieve the

glossy, high- quality

fakeness

that feeds everyone's expectations.



They made me president of a club.

They made me captain of the team.

They made me super-counselor at camp.

And editor of the paper.

They believed I could do it.

I failed every one.

And someone else stepped up

cleaned up

the mess I left behind.

Somehow I fooled every one of them

into thinking that I could do it.




After two months, I quit my job at the beach.

After four, I quit the paper.

I lasted two months at the Nile,

and a whole eight weeks at camp.

A single month as a janitor of the second floor.

A whopping seven months at the department store.

And Last but not least, after two months I was
fired from fine
dining.

I've never had a job I've liked- or been able to
keep.

And I was really trying at the last one.




I told Dylan, Scott, Chris, Ben, and Dustin

in whispers so sweet

"I'd love them forever."

"That this time was different."

I'm the most amazing woman.

I'd convince them, each

in his own language.

And when he was finally convinced,

I'd run away, and

abandon him at love's door,

with nothing more than an intense desire

to escape NOW

fueling my getaway.




Me, the borderline.

Living every day

my life meter switch

stuck on "survival."




Through periods of anger

I have several mementos.

Three punched holes

in three different walls.

A scratched, dented car.

Scratched, cut skin.

A piercing.

Many miles of gasoline

used up in silent crying, destination-

"anywhere but here."

Smoking cigarettes, smoking weed. Drinking my
health to the floor.
Impulse purchases- blades, clothes, bags, books,
and twenty different
bottles of shampoo. Screaming obscenities at
people I love, building
a firewall of hate for no reason. Insensible as
it all is, I sit
here, a borderline, this is my everyday.
Regretting my behavior. Dragging my feet through
work each shift
takes every ounce of energy I have

My relationships are a mystery to me- something I
will never
understand. Anger and depression are doors I try
unsuccessfully to
hold closed. I am nothing but a fake- hoping to
somehow achieve
normalness by convincing you that I am.

Yesterday.

Negativity-where does it get you? I dunno-but what if it is really the reality? Seriously-being positive only makes me dream and hope for more and so when I don't get it-all I get is greater dissappointment. I don't want that. But I don't wan this life I have now either. I want to be happy. I want to be normal.-Whatever the hell that is.

I have realized I need to move away now more than ever. The only reason I don't cut here is because I'm in the "good girl" role- that I've always been in. I hate it, I loathe it. It consumes me.

Darian has been cranky lately, Why I ask? I think because of my moods. I think she feels what I feel - just like I empathize with others.

I hate my fantasies of the future. How can they ever come true? They can't because I don't deserve happiness. Do I believe this is true? For the most part. Well I will continue this when I get home, if I make it. (NOTE: I orginally wrote this in my journal at home, and am retyping it, as I will do with other entries from my DAY/NIGHT journal) Well, I am home-Unfortunately my grandma is still awake. All I thought about on the way home is how my life is a sham and how me nor anyone else knows how things will turn out in the future. I also really want to talk to C. Now I'm thinking oh, yeah, I should break it off with him. Before I give him a chance to bring pain in my life. Who knows that he will or won't though.

THere is no God. SO.. I guess I'll never find out. Life & everything in it is a sham, it is not reality.I don't understand how I can be so intelligent and dumb at the same time. I have coping skills and i chose not to use them tonite, so I feel like shit. Least it is a real feeling and I'm not pretending my life is a dream world anymore.I plan on taking the risperadol I found along with my tother meds and see if that helps anyway. Can't hurt. I don't have enough for that sort of thing. My negative thinking again. I

I just dont' get life, and why my family is so fucked up. A. has to have everything her way and it's just easier to give in to her. Hell she's had 18 years of training. 18 years of being in charge. ANd i let her, just as my parents die. What do I do though? I can't make her change.How do I cope with her?

I'm so confused in my life. I don't know how to fix it. I feel broken. I feel lost and hurt. I feel scared. I don't know how to feel any different. I don't know how to feel happy and be realistic at the same time. How? I wish I did. I wish to learn that someday.

I'm so scared that C. and I won't work out. Seriously am I being realistic, I mean I'm in love and engaged to a man I've never met. It's strange, yes. Everyone is negatie about it though. I just really don't see the difference between this and arranged marriages. I mean they don't even meet their husbands/wifes until they are married or shortly before. I am very commited and C and I were friends before we wanted to date. We want some of the same things- a better education, a family, someone to hold, and love and share with. We both share a disbelief in God. For once, I found someone who is like me and just doesn't believe because everyone else does. We like the same music. Both like the internet. of course. :) I just don't know where I should go with this. I mean. Well. If I break up with him, I'm feel like I'm running away, I'm pushing him away. I feel like I haven't given "us" a chance. If I stay, I feel like, I'm not living in a real world. What do I do? Where do I go from here. It's scary, its' unreal.

I wish I could just move- and go somewhere far away. Away from here, away from the mess that I've created of my life. I want to be held. I want to be loved. How do I heal myself without C.? I don't know. But I don't want to be completely dependant either. How do I find the in between, that my personality doesnt want me to? How do you become independantly dependant or how do you find the healthiness in being both?


I do not know, I do not care.
I do not want to go over there.
I do not want to stay here
either.
I do not want to become a believer.
I want to find out
who I am.
I want to find out if my life
is a sham.
I just want the truth to be seen.
I want to see the in between.

Life

The hurt,
The pain,
My life,
The strain.
As I walk
down the path
that my life takes
I look around,
I think,
I feel,
I shake.
My world closes
upon me,
My world sucks me in,
It eats me up,
Just I thought,
I would begin.

Beginning of the End of the Beginning of the End of ...

Not even sure where to start. So much has been going on. I attended a class yesterday about young children’s behaviors, and tried to relax and couldn’t. My sister had me run her to Bradford, and unfortunately the money I was expecting did not come and no one knows why. That upsets me greatly. I did, however, get a check from TN from Walter for child support. I wish it would come regularly, but I don’t ever expect that.

Today I went to partial. I got really emotional. I don’t feel like I’m much in control. I’ve realized I’m not meeting most of my needs. Right now, one of the things that bother me the most is bothering me right now, my grandma. Can’t she see that I am busy and shut up? This is what drives me crazy the most. She always invades my personal space, and doesn’t expect anyone to want privacy. I think she was born on a different planet.

I really need to get out of my grandma’s house, but in the same token I am scared. Scared of how I will be when I am alone. I don’t want anything to happen like before. I felt so scared and alone. I was terrified of being alone. Terrified to go to sleep, terrified of myself. I don’t like that feeling. I will try my hardest not to ever feel that way again.

I am now getting sleepy. Something I hate, I hate feeling sleepy and tired. I feel lazy because I can never get enough done. Why? Because I spend a lot of time online. Online time keeps me sane though. I get to write here, on my blog, talk to the love of my life, and also to a few of my friends and family. It gives me some emotional support, and helps make up for my lack of physical touch.

I read a story today; it’s been going around lately. It was about the US landing on the moon, and trying to prove that they didn’t. I don’t know enough about the moon, to say whether I believe it or not. I really have no opinion. I wonder about other people, and what points they would argue though.

Some of the things I learned in that class the other day were helpful. They helped me realize why my sisters and brothers and I have no respect or value to my mother’s words. It makes me realize it was my mother’s lack of parenting skills, and that my sisters and brothers are not bad kids. Just hurt, mislabeled and neglected. I still find it hard to let go. I have to though, because I will not be around forever, and because they are pretty much grown up. I have to realize, that I can’t make them change, and I can’t really shape them anymore, because they have already been molded. It’s hard though. They are “my kids”.
I have to work on my own parenting skills, and be the best mom to my daughter. So that she can grow up to be a good productive adult.

One thing that the lady said yesterday that I didn’t really agree with was… that she as a parent would want her kids to have a better work ethic, rather than a high IQ and a good personality. I wouldn’t. My grandmother has the highest work ethic I have ever seen, and worked for this company 25 and some odd years. My dad has worked half that time, and he makes more than she does. What kind of bullshit is that? I couldn’t say. I want my children to be intelligent, and not take any bullshit. I do think they should have good work ethic, but I don’t think that should be the highest priority on the list.

Trying to get comments to work

and I have yet to be successful

Stop Searching, I Have Found The Meaning of Life

I sometimes wish I had more time to write, but what would I write? It mite get boring if I write too much. ļ Well, anyway, my day was pretty uneventful. Went to the hospital, chatted with C. and checked email. Checked out some beautiful wedding dresses online. Stuff like that. I feel kind of out of it today though. A little dizzy and out there. Not sure if it is just my body getting over the sickness, or another bad side effect from another medication. I guess I will find out in a few days, if I still feel crappy. Got to go for a walk today, just down to the post office, but it got me out of the house. Now if the weather could always just be as nice as it is today.

I worry about my grammas dog, Curly. She¡¦s been snapping a lot at my daughter. Yes my daughter does do some things to agitate, but today, Curly just snapped at her when she was trying to get a blanket from behind her. I just hope she doesn¡¦t bite my daughter. I will raise holy hell if she does. My gram needs to get that dog to the vet; something is just not right with her. She has coughing fits and stuff.

Why is the meaning of life such a mystery? I sometimes wonder this, like now. But if we knew the meaning of life, why would we go on living. My guess is that we wouldn¡¦t. It¡¦s hard for me to look back at the times, and realize that I really wanted to die. I did. Sometimes I still do, but I realize that I have a lot to live for. I want to change people¡¦s lives, and I have my whole life to do that. I don¡¦t know how exactly I will do that just yet, but I will. I have faith. I think that has a lot to do with wanting to life. The faith and trust in the future. Without faith, or something positive to look forward to, what is there? Nothing. With nothing, there is no future; with no future there is no reason to live. I¡¦ve felt exactly that way, way too many times to count.

I feel happiness inside most of the time now. When I do feel sad, I try to think of the good things in life. Sometimes they are so hard to remember though, because they are clouded by the negative things.

I found some old journals I had written a while back. I am hoping to get a chance to reread them tomorrow, if there is anything interesting, I will post some of the things here.
Well, it is about my bedtime so I will sign off now.

I think I learn alot, by reading other peoples blogs. Tonite, I read M.'s cuz i wanted to update myself with what was going on in his life. Always something new. I still don't know what to think about him having a gf. It always surprised me. Probably cuz I had a crush on him at the time. I am happy for him though. I of course, had to go check out his gf's blog. And seems they had a great weekend. Though, my opinion on M.'s religion, is different than his gf's. I have always found M to be quite religious. Way more religious than any I know. Most people I know, don't even care if they attend services. I find from what I have learned about the Jewish religion that most are more religious than Christians. Christians don't always bring there religion to every aspect of there life like other religions do, (this includes Muslims). Well there are different types of Christians, but the biggest, is the Real Christians, Vs.. the C&E Christians. (C&E - Christmas and Easter). I was told that my a friend of mine that is a Youth Minister. I don't know how people can stay so positive about their religion when they see so much evil in the world.

But anyway.. if anything i just said made any sense I'd be surprised, but I had to say something, because I find my friend, M. to be very loyal to his religion, sure he has become Americanized, but.. I would find it hard for anyone to not become that way. Reminds me of a how i watched the other day, about a Amish boy that had went to the "BIG" city to see what is was like. All he saw was evil and dismay. He decided he wanted to be Amish, and not go out on his own, and stay in the big city. His comment to the doctor that was showing him around, was... "Have you ever seen a homeless Amish man? The Amish stick together and take care of each other." Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could be that way. IF everyone could have the ability to really care about others. To give themselves to others.

But anyway.. (again...) I am off to bed.. Goodnite, I send my love to all that read this.

Sadness Haunts

Sadness haunts,
the hearts of many
How do you rid them
of this pain?
How do you stop
the endless rain.
You can not,
You should not,
It is not what you need,
It is not your greed.
But the greed of others,
without mothers,
that really,
truely loved
them.

Tomorrow is Another Day

I have so much on my mind; I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been sick for the last few days... well since Friday to be exact. That was the day that I started my new meds; guess what, my stomach did not appreciate them. A bad reaction, not actually called allergic, but went back to the doctor today, and they suggested I stop that medication and just eat and drink what was tolerated. It sucks. I’ve been sick to my stomach all weekend. I was finally able to eat with out being sick. Luckily. Still have a headache and stomach pain though. Who would have known? I’ve never had stomach problems with my meds. Oh well.

I’ve been really emotional. I’m off the Effexor. I think I am doing well. C., well he always cheers me up. I love being with him (even though it is online) and just thinking about him. My mood just went from about 4 to about 9.999999 just typing this message about him. I’m so in love. I just hope my heart doesn’t get ahead of myself on this one. I only wish to be happy more times than I am sad. 

I’m watching a movie on lifetime, so my thoughts may be a little distracted, I’m writing during commercials cuz I want to go to bed in the next half hour. Well, about C., I love him so much. Lately my heart, body and soul have ached for him so much. I don’t understand how I can be so in love with a man that I have never met, but I believe in love, and I know that he and I will give all that we have to make each other happy. He seems so open to my needs, and to the fact that I am not perfect. I am a perfectionist though, and that makes it hard for me to accept that my life isn’t. I want things to be as close to perfect as they can be. I do know that bad things and sadness will be in my life though. I have to accept that to get better.

I don’t know how much longer I can live here with my grandmother. The negativity gets to me. I don’t know how someone can be so negative. I know I do that to myself, but I’ve never that I can recall, tried to be so negative to others. I’ve always tried my hardest to make others happy. That is what makes me happy. I love to give myself to others, just is seems most people in my life take advantage of it. My whole family does. The only two people... well three people... that haven’t are D, my daughter, C, my fiancé, and S, my best friend. I guess my other best friend J, hasn’t either, but I’m not sure where I stand with her. I’m working on trying to get up the courage to help her, because I will have to heal from this too. I want her to be happy.

So, this week I have lots to do. I will go to partial 3 days this week. I have a class I am attending on Wednesday about children’s behaviors, and will also go shopping. And I have to write the invitation for my fiancé, and also get the applications and get them filled out for housing. Not my first choice for wanting to live, but I have to get out of here. I don’t know how I will survive… but I know I can be strong until C. gets here. I don’t live living alone; I don’t think I ever have. I have always wanted my family to be there. I can’t wait to finally feel as if “my” family is complete. I can’t wait to be wed. I think it has always been my dream, and I can’t believe that soon, it will become a reality. I can’t wait to give my love to him, and receive that same love back. They way he looks at me makes me feel so special… it’s as if the miles that we are apart, aren’t really there.

Life is scary though. I don’t know why I ever changed my mind about living life, but I am glad I did. I wish I could help those that don’t feel that way. How do you help someone that really has no reason to live though? How do you help someone that feels no love? I think love is the greatest thing on earth. First the love of my daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me. It got me thru the first 2-3 years after her birth. She made me happy, everything she did, seemed so perfect. Then, she got an attitude. I realized I couldn’t live on her to make me happy. I had to, and have to find the happiness within myself. What makes me happy? A beautiful day, talking with friends, writing, both here and my poetry. My dreams of the future make me happy. C. makes me happy. Knowing I’m alive makes me feel happy. I’m looking for more things to find my happiness in, and I know one day, I will find them… but for now... its is time for me to take care of me, and get some beauty rest.. Tomorrow is another day.

Shit Happens

Wow, I realize no wonder i have been feeling bad. I've yet to blog since Tuesday. I've been feeling really shitty the last 3 or 4 days. I should write more when I feel crappy. I think part of it is the meds, and part of it is just life. I start partial on Tuesday. I went last Wednesday also, that started all the emotional feelings. Right now I've been talking with C. so I just feel fantastic, but just a few hours ago I felt hopeless, and worthless.

Its weird how things can change in just a few minutes. I few days, a few weeks, a few months, a few years.... Things do change, and we have to adjust, I'm uncertain how to cope with my adjustments, and my stress. I'm hoping to learn new skills, to help me thru the uncertain times. I love C. so much, and yet.. I sometimes wonder, what the fuck am I doing? But then on the other hand, I feel such love and tenderness from him. I find him unbelieveable attractive.. I desire him so much. I feel the love just thru our chatting online, and I wonder, can this really be true. I can't wait to see him in the flesh.

I am hoping to see my brother tonite.. and if I don't get going I won't be able to do that.

The Feeling That Comes

Sadness,
always comes,
when it is least wanted.
Anger comes,
when it is taunted.
Happiness comes,
as is should,
wishing I had it,
wishing I could give,
all my love to you,
so my heart can live.

Sadness, It always comes back again

My sadness has come back. I can sometimes keep that positive attitude, but then days like this hit. I feel sad and tears in the edges of my eyes.. for most the day now. What is wrong with me? Does the medicine really help? I never know what to think. I don't know what to think on days like this.

Now my gram is making me feel more sad, or I should say, I'm letting her make me feel sad. She is saying she isn't coming to D.'s birthday party. What a fucking crock of shit. Why do people have to be like that, for no reason. My gram is depressed herself.

I am missing my C. He wasnt online today, that I know of. I stayed online till 15 after 3 and he didn't come online. I left him a message, saying please leave me a message if you are online or email me, and I haven't heard anything from him. It makes me sad and worried, especially after him being so upset yesterday about his sister. And I still don't know what all is going on with that. I hope all is alright. I wish he was here now though. His smile, his eyes, his loving words, could help cheer me up. I hate depression. I hate sadness. I know I need to expect it.

It's not like it is even PMS either. I understand the sadness when that comes. But of of the blue I have the blues today. I was extremely anxious at the doctors today. But luckily he was very friendly and seemed down to earth. He is not the regular doctor at the center though, which kind of sucks.

I had dreams my wheel of my car fell off last nite. I can't imagine anything like that happening. I need to get the oil changed and get my car looked at though. I hope to get that done soon.

Well, I am feeling too sad to write any more today, so I will end my post here.

A New Day.. In My Wonderland

A new day, brings new thoughts, new fears. I hope today is the best day, of my life, because I only want things to get better. I know it takes some hard work, and a lot of time. I know that I have discovered my true love. I know it to be true. Thru all the disagreements, I've never felt I don't love him. A year ago, I would of never thought, that C. and I would become so close. I feel it was meant to be. I know we will be together soon, and I can't wait until that first moment, my first moment in my wonderland. NO, I am not Alice... I am Jae :)

Note to self: I have to start working out again, I'm gaining weight. blah!

Wow, it's too early for me to be up, but I had to get on and post, because last nite, Well I dreamt of my "perfect" wedding. Well needless to say it was imperfect, but I was still happy, because I was with my love. I want to write this down, to see if I can find an interpertation of it later:

Starts out that my whole family goes there, by that , I basically mean my sisters, A., her fiance, and baby Jaz, and S., my other sister. So we fly to Europe( I suppose so that part wasn't in the dream). We are at C.'s flat, which in the dream is more like a huge loft. And I hardly see C. while we are there. We basically make ourselves at home, and show ourselves around. We talk briefly with C.'s sister, and neice.

Then the wedding day comes. We are in our dresses, running around like chickens with our head cut off, and I haven't any nice shoes.. I look around and around.. and shop (at a store convienantly located in the house, and find nothing.. so I basically end up wearing some old shoes I had that were like slippers and white. And then, we have no flowers or decorations, so we use some flowers that C. has in his house, and the same for decorations.

We get married, and it looks like a zoo, no organization at all, but we look happy. Then afterwards, C is on a bicycle and wanting to ride down the hill, and I hop on the bicycle with him, and we race down the hill. ( I am thinking .. WTF.. and laughing at the same time)

Also some things that happen in the dream, is that D. gets sick, and some guy I know, supposedly in the dream, a Doctor, comes to fix her up. I get this bad feeling and stop him. In the meantime someone has called the cops. We find out he was trying to poison her. It was very scary.

Then, part of the dream we find out C. had a twin brother.. (who looks nothing like him) this guy is raggedy and apparently he is always in the basement, working. I figured he's either a strange artist or a slave in the dream.

Then, something I forgot, before C. and I ride off on the bicycle, we talk to his uncle. His uncle wants to buy this book, apparently an antique, and C. says he can have it for 15 dollars.. Uncle opens the book and laughs, saying it is worth much more. C. just shruggs, uncle hands him some money, and C. hands it to me. I start counting the money, it is much more than 15 dollars.

That is all I can remember of the dream right now, but maybe later some more will come to me. I got to get going, got a long day ahead of me. I am going to school with D. to help with the kids on the bus.

I hate the pain of life, of living. These are the time, I sometimes wish I was dead. I can't stand the emotions, that flutter thru my mind, my soul, my heart. I don't know how to handle the pain. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to share. I just want it all to stop.

I can probably say I am doing better in my life, because I am NOT going to kill myself today. I will have to fight the feeling though. It will be hard... It is extremely overwhelming now.

I told C. over the weekend about the whole thing with I. I didn't know how he'd reacte, and I guess even though I told him, I still don't know. He's always so quiet. I guess I use sarcasm more than I've ever realized. He pointed that out to me, so I will have to learn to note that to myself, so I can try to change that bad habit. It hurts though. I don't like feeling stupid. I feel that we are argueing, and then he says things I don't understand.

Now I am about in tears, trying to cry for fear of letting it hurt more. This is something I will always remember, C. Says "i've never regreted whatever i've been doing in my life so far", then says "please,...PLEASE,don't make me this time" And I say, "please what honey?"
and then it hits me.. he is talking about us.. and our relationship. and then I say" Regret what? us?"and he says yes. I feel like I was just stabbed in the chest. I'm about in tears. I only fear the tears because my grandma and daughter are in the next room, and I don't want to share my pain with them.

I am starting to think maybe getting off the meds was a bad idea. Now I am thinking more clearly, and I keep more things in my head and I don't like this. I don't like feeling this pain. At least with the medication I was mostly numb. I don't know how to handle stress. I don't know how to live in the real world. How do I do it, How do I survive. Survive without the knifes, the blades, and pills. I'm hoping writing is the key, writing and sharing. So far it is starting to work, but it can't solve all my problems.

Anyway, more of a happy post, I went to see Michels blog.. and from there linked to his friends blog and took a personality test, and this is my result: The Exhibitionist


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

Pretty neat, You should go take the test. I love fun stuff like this, keeps my mind off the shitty stuff in life.

So, what to think, what to do I have no idea. I feel my best friend, JB, should know these things going on, but is it my place to tell her. I don't want to be the bad guy. I., her husband, was trying to hit on me again. And right in front of his nephew. I was like WTF, what a creep. He actually was good to JB most of the day. He helped some with the kids, something I have never seen him do. But then, when we all were back at the house, with the family, he says in a mean tone... "JB, Put those kids to be, before my brother gets here., Go in the room and put them to bed." Her children are 2 and 6 months, and he hardly helps, I don't know how she deals with it.

Everyone says marriage is different, but I know that mine will. I know my husband will take more of a part in our childrens life, and of D.'s. I find that he would be like this, because he loves them, and me. If a father is limitedly involved like I. is with his kids, what the fuck kind of father is that. I raised D., on my own, and she knows I loved her. If her father was part of her life, and acted like I. does.. I would tell him to leave, because it would help her if he was gone more than it hurt her. I find in some ways I will have a lot of adjusting to do, because I am not used to anyone helping. I do know that C. and I will have a lot of open communication, and that when things don't work the way they should, that we will talk about it.

Right now I am missing C. so much. I am wishing I was in his arms. Between the events of today, and being exhausted(partly because of meds) and partly emotionally exhausted because of the events the last few days, I am being pretty lonely, and wishing that C. was here right now. I would love to be looking in to his sexy brown eyes, and feeling his arms around me as we kiss. :)

Emotionally I am pretty drained, I shared with C., many things I thought he should know, that were hard for me to tell. I can say he did take them well, but the conversation hurt our feelings a bit. I just so wanted him to know these things, so he could take a step back and to make sure this is what he really wanted, was me .. and D.

I think he loves D. as much as he loves me, if not more. The way he acts towards her is so precious. She acts about the same though. She thinks C. is great, and she can't wait till he comes to America. :)

Only a few more days on the Effexor. Partial called and hopefully I will start the hospital next week, that will be great. I could really use the support. Only thing that sucks though, is missing my talks with C. We will survive though. :)

As the deer walks thru the forest,
I hear the wind brush over the leaves,
Water dripping over rocks,
A cool, fresh breeze.

Life is so precious,
Always meant to be,
I'll tell you my dreams,
and show you,
One day you will see.

I will show you rainbows,
sorrow and joy,
I will show you love,
without being coy.

I will kiss your precious lips,
I will show you love,
Almost like a rainbow,
and a flying dove.

Love is something special
always meant to be,
Love is something great,
Just like you and me.

I hate this feeling. The sadness the shame. Months ago, when I couldn't figure out what was happening to me, I became close with my best friends husband. Too close, and I couldn't stop him at the time, because I was scared, alone, and because having attention felt good. I made a mistake, and am still living with it. I am crying as I type this, because now, I have told C. and I feel like he has no understanding of the situation. I was so fucked up back in June. I cried whenever I was alone. I could not stand it. I let his words go thru my mind, because I trusted him, and he wasn't to be trusted. What do I do? I mean, he tells me he is only with my friend now because of the kids. What kind of marriage is that? My friends deserves so... so much more. But I don't want to be the reason they are not together. I want her to see for herself.

Last nite, he tried to kiss me, he tried to basically molest me. I repeated told him no, and he still didn't get it until I called him an asshole. He seriously, although, I have pushed him away repeatedly, thinks I want to fuck him. I didn't want to in the first place, but it happened. I can't change the past, I can only make the future different. I refuse to let the feelings I have defeat me again. I will not cut myself to make things better, I will not cry when I am alone. I will figure this out oneday. I just hope it is oneday soon.

Wondering Wondering, It seems all that I do,
Why do I have to always wonder about you?
I do not want to,
I want to try,
to stop wondering
why?

I had a pretty uneventful nite. The things that happen right now, I can not talk about. I am in Pittsburgh now, visiting my best friend. I will update more, when I get back to my home and my own space, so I can right more freely.

I'm still in a good mood, doing good despite the fact that I have forgoten my meds from this morning, and took them at 3pm. I have only a few more days and I am off the Effexor. :)

I am getting currently upset by C. I am talking to him on MSN, and I am feeling that he doesn't trust me, because my uncle was on my yahoo messenger of something. I just don't understand what is going on in his head. I wish I could understand more. Oh well, I guess men and women were not meant to understand each other all the time. I do love him so much. The feeling of us together makes me feel so happy.

You think of your best friends, and you wonder what has changed over the years. So much has changed, yet we still stay in touch... why? Is it some internal obligation we feel. I love them, but I don't feel the love from them like I used to. I mentioned to my best friend S. that we don't talk as much as we used to, and she didn't quite understand. I guess I felt bad, when she didn't understand, cuz it was hard for me to say in the first place. I spent the weekend with her, and some of it was like old times. It's just maybe it is me, I'm not as open with her as I used to be. We both have so many problems, problems we don't know how to solve. I wish that we both find our true happiness someday. I know, in my heart that we will.

C., he officially asked me to marry him today. Then he started having all the worries of our future like I did. It was good to know that he had the same worries. Made me feel less crazy. He is just so wonderful, sometimes it doesn't real. Sometimes it feels so real.

My daughter made me realize, I need to do what is going to make me happy, and to try and not worry of the future. SHe is very interested about babies, and I try to explain to her the best I can. SHe was talking about babies growing inside me, and I tried to explain to her, that there needed to be a daddy for me to have a baby. I told her I would hope to have more babies after I am married. She told me I could marry my boyfriend C., and that the builders could build us a house and we could all live together. It was very cute. She is always optimistic, and makes things seem so easy to do. It was just cute, I guess you had to be there to actually see it.

I'm at the point now, where if we get along when we meet I don't feel I will have anxiety about getting married. I feel we communicate well, and can work thru anything if we really want to. This is what I've really always wanted was to be married, and to have my own family. I feel that if it isn't meant to be, I will change my mind beforewords. I have never gotten this close really to marriage. I am actually making plans. My gramma doesn't think it will happen, and if it doesn't it doesn't. I have made a wonderful understanding friend. He is a wondeful man. He has been here by my side, thru the worst in my life.

I have so many things I feel I need to tell him. Things I rarely share with anyone. I know they won't change his mind about me, but it is something that needs to be said.

I am having one of those headaches again. Trying not to take my meds, cuz I only have one pill left. I am about to break down though. I went to bed with a headache, and since I had a rough nite. My horn on my car woke me up twice last nite, cuz apparently it shorted... and was going off insistently. I still have that headache. I hate this feeling.

I had more dreams last nite. Can't remember quite what they were right now. I don't like these dreams much. I am almost off the Effexor though, down to 75 mg. Only a week or so to go. Still trying to get into a day program at the hospital, I have a lot of work to do on myself.

A new life, but not a new blog. Kind of partial to this one. I have started a new life recently, and also decided to write a book about my whole life. So what better than this blog to help organize my thoughts for my book. Part of my whole new life is shaving my head. I have shaved it three times. I went thru a phase where I wasnt growing or getting better like I planned but worse. Now I have come to realize so many things, and am letting my hair grow, and my life is growing with it. I am starting to heal. I have a long journal, and many paths and dead ends along the way.

I have been on alot of medications, and currently trying to get off. I want my mind to be clear. I have recently fallen in love. C, well I love him dearly, he has been a great support to me thru all this. We do have our ups and downs, but when I speak and chat with him, I am overjoyed with love and affectionate feelings. It feels good, to know someone loves me. JP has also helped me thru this. I write to him when I feel down. Most people don't think he is really a good person, but I know in his heart he is. He would give his life for his loved ones. He has led a troubled life like myself, only he never really had any LOVE or SUPPORT at all. I hope to go and see him soon. Sort of as a closure, to the love we had... because I am moving on with my life.

I have to move on soon, and make a place for myself, I am almost strong enough. I few more weeks or months, will tell. I will know, I will feel it in my heart when I am ready. Until then, I will just stay put. Hard, but tolerable.

I will end this tonite, mostly because I am tired and have a long day tommorrow. I am helping A help herself, which is a good thing. But it means I have to get up early. Blah, definately not a morning person.

More updates about my life in the last (almost year) tommorrow. :) Till then, I go to bed with a big smile on my face, because I know tommorrow will be a good day.