Still depressed, no suicidal thoughts today though..
prolly cuz I didn't have a chance to think them..
I had a migraine most the day.. nauseated... and sick.. and felt like my
fucking head was gonna explode. Got out of bed... for the day at around 4-5. Not sure when.. I wasn't too fuctional. I'm heading back home tommorrow morning.
Stopping by near Harrisburg to visit Punky though. I'm very anxious about the whole thing, but.. I really want to see him. It's weird. He was the first guy to break my heart, we are still friends.. and I will always love him... and then.. I meet T., and although he broke my heart.. I still want to be in his life.. even if it has to be as friends... though.. T. will never open up to me like Punky did... although I think thats mostly cuz Punky has alot of fucking time on his hands to think about shit, and regret it.. and etc...
Oh well. Like sucks, then you die.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Monday, December 27, 2004
To be .. or not to be..... That is the question....
At moments...
I want to live more than anything...
and other moments,
I would prefer to cease to exist...
I want the total destruction of my existence...
I want to be dead.
It's all debatable....
I want to live more than anything...
and other moments,
I would prefer to cease to exist...
I want the total destruction of my existence...
I want to be dead.
It's all debatable....
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Depression
Sets in.
Holidays suck. Christmas sucks. New Years sucks.. even more now. Valentines Day sucks, my birthday sucks. Every day of the year sucks. I'm sure next year will be about the same.. or maybe worse.
I realize each time I see my family , why I dispise their character... they are horrible people really. I don't know how they rationalize their fucked up attitudes. I don't rationalize mine. I know they are fucked up, and i readily admit when I know they are. Another of my character flaws.
I had so much I wanted to write here.. but I'm so utterly depressed, I'd like to go blow my brains out.
I'm lucky a cop didn't pull me over for speeding today, cuz I'd be dead. I figured, if I got pulled over going 90/100 in a 65 or 55, I'd be screwed, so.. I figured I'd try to outrun them.. and just run myself into some random tree, and hopefully I'd be so dead of fucked up it wouldn't matter. I'd rather die than lose my license... and I'd rather die than slow down. Thats something that won't ever change, until I hurt someone.. (then I'd blow my brains out).. or.. until I kill myself.
Either way.. at this day, at this point in time.. I'd wish nothing more than.. to either be held and loved.... or dead. Since I can't be held.. I wish to be dead.
I'd like to get go get drunk.. but.. the idea of what I'd do after I drank, would be unbelieveable... and I'm truely trying to stay alive, but really don't have a reason. I get so fucking ticked off by people saying.. "do it for Darian".. "FUCK YOU BUDDY... do you have kids?? NO.. do you fucking even really care?? NO!! then go the fuck away, and if I die.. I die... its not ur fucking business"
I hate people. I hate most people actually. I hate they way they are so pessimistic, so anal, so uncooperative, so gabby, and so fickle. YES>. today.. I hate myself too. As well as everyone else. I've been avoiding the phone. I'm glad none of my so called friends have really called. Cuz I'd hate to have to ignore the ring.. yeah right....
I have to get thru these three days.. and make myself go back up there.. or something bad mite happen. I'm so scared.
Holidays suck. Christmas sucks. New Years sucks.. even more now. Valentines Day sucks, my birthday sucks. Every day of the year sucks. I'm sure next year will be about the same.. or maybe worse.
I realize each time I see my family , why I dispise their character... they are horrible people really. I don't know how they rationalize their fucked up attitudes. I don't rationalize mine. I know they are fucked up, and i readily admit when I know they are. Another of my character flaws.
I had so much I wanted to write here.. but I'm so utterly depressed, I'd like to go blow my brains out.
I'm lucky a cop didn't pull me over for speeding today, cuz I'd be dead. I figured, if I got pulled over going 90/100 in a 65 or 55, I'd be screwed, so.. I figured I'd try to outrun them.. and just run myself into some random tree, and hopefully I'd be so dead of fucked up it wouldn't matter. I'd rather die than lose my license... and I'd rather die than slow down. Thats something that won't ever change, until I hurt someone.. (then I'd blow my brains out).. or.. until I kill myself.
Either way.. at this day, at this point in time.. I'd wish nothing more than.. to either be held and loved.... or dead. Since I can't be held.. I wish to be dead.
I'd like to get go get drunk.. but.. the idea of what I'd do after I drank, would be unbelieveable... and I'm truely trying to stay alive, but really don't have a reason. I get so fucking ticked off by people saying.. "do it for Darian".. "FUCK YOU BUDDY... do you have kids?? NO.. do you fucking even really care?? NO!! then go the fuck away, and if I die.. I die... its not ur fucking business"
I hate people. I hate most people actually. I hate they way they are so pessimistic, so anal, so uncooperative, so gabby, and so fickle. YES>. today.. I hate myself too. As well as everyone else. I've been avoiding the phone. I'm glad none of my so called friends have really called. Cuz I'd hate to have to ignore the ring.. yeah right....
I have to get thru these three days.. and make myself go back up there.. or something bad mite happen. I'm so scared.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Not sure
What to post.
Everything pisses me off lately.
Why.. when a girl just has sex because she wants to, she's a slut, but a guy does it, and he's a stud?
Its not like I have sex w/ anyone or even everyone, cuz believe me... if all i wanted was sex I'd have it every nite. I want so much more. I need so much more, unfortunately... I can't handle relationships, and I alway seem to sabatage them. I pretty much give up on this. I think I'll buy myself a new dildo for New Years, and just learn how to love masturbating more. (duh I love it already), that or I'll just find myself a girlfriend. Which I'm sure women eat pussy better anyway... blah.. I'm only kidding though... I really love cock.. too much actually... as I'm really needing sex, and haven't had phone sex in almost a week. I think. And.. well.. haven't w/ T.. for a while.. and would love to. Only I don't have hope for that anymore... its really hopeless. It's obvious in my world, that he doesn't care about me like I do him, and he's not looking for the same things, and I just need to face up to that.
I sent him out a xmas card today, him and a few of my other friends.. and I know its late. I almost didn't... cuz I feel like it is a waste of my time, and energy... but I guess more than anything I just want him to know I love him, though I don't see that it helps.
We are different. I am different. I want to spend the holidays.. in the one that I loves arms.. and I'm very depressed about this. Every holiday I end up alone, every New Years, every Valentines Day.. every Birthday.. year after year... and I really can't handle in anymore.... Do they do Male order grooms? haha..
Why does life have to be so complicated. Why does my heart have to hurt so much.. why can't I just get over him.. he tells me I need to find someone better.. but i question that every time he says that.. Is it more about me? or him? does he say that because he just doesn't want me, or because he thinks he'll hurt me, or cuz he just doesn't beleive in himself?
I Dunno, I can't dwell on it tonite. I need to go get ready for bed.. masturbate and go to sleep. I have a long drive tommorrow... I will enjoy my trip, but be more lonely cuz I have noone to talk to on the phone and I won't be online... and honestly.. I'd rather be doing something else.. but .. I don't have any other someplace else, that anyone wants me to be at.
Everything pisses me off lately.
Why.. when a girl just has sex because she wants to, she's a slut, but a guy does it, and he's a stud?
Its not like I have sex w/ anyone or even everyone, cuz believe me... if all i wanted was sex I'd have it every nite. I want so much more. I need so much more, unfortunately... I can't handle relationships, and I alway seem to sabatage them. I pretty much give up on this. I think I'll buy myself a new dildo for New Years, and just learn how to love masturbating more. (duh I love it already), that or I'll just find myself a girlfriend. Which I'm sure women eat pussy better anyway... blah.. I'm only kidding though... I really love cock.. too much actually... as I'm really needing sex, and haven't had phone sex in almost a week. I think. And.. well.. haven't w/ T.. for a while.. and would love to. Only I don't have hope for that anymore... its really hopeless. It's obvious in my world, that he doesn't care about me like I do him, and he's not looking for the same things, and I just need to face up to that.
I sent him out a xmas card today, him and a few of my other friends.. and I know its late. I almost didn't... cuz I feel like it is a waste of my time, and energy... but I guess more than anything I just want him to know I love him, though I don't see that it helps.
We are different. I am different. I want to spend the holidays.. in the one that I loves arms.. and I'm very depressed about this. Every holiday I end up alone, every New Years, every Valentines Day.. every Birthday.. year after year... and I really can't handle in anymore.... Do they do Male order grooms? haha..
Why does life have to be so complicated. Why does my heart have to hurt so much.. why can't I just get over him.. he tells me I need to find someone better.. but i question that every time he says that.. Is it more about me? or him? does he say that because he just doesn't want me, or because he thinks he'll hurt me, or cuz he just doesn't beleive in himself?
I Dunno, I can't dwell on it tonite. I need to go get ready for bed.. masturbate and go to sleep. I have a long drive tommorrow... I will enjoy my trip, but be more lonely cuz I have noone to talk to on the phone and I won't be online... and honestly.. I'd rather be doing something else.. but .. I don't have any other someplace else, that anyone wants me to be at.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
The Christmas Depression sets in...
its getting worse. Not sure what to do. I hate men, I hate life, I hate my family, I hate my job.
I love a few of my friends.. (well all the true friends), my daughter, and I still love my car.
Gotta love Lisa, though... I pine over T., and think it will never be I don't quite agree, though part of me does. I'm angry, I'm bitter, I don't want to spend the holidays with my family... two months ago, and now I still want to spend them with him. But he'd rather be alone.
What a pisser...
I got a phone call, from it seems... a nice guy...
I love a few of my friends.. (well all the true friends), my daughter, and I still love my car.
Gotta love Lisa, though... I pine over T., and think it will never be I don't quite agree, though part of me does. I'm angry, I'm bitter, I don't want to spend the holidays with my family... two months ago, and now I still want to spend them with him. But he'd rather be alone.
What a pisser...
I got a phone call, from it seems... a nice guy...
Dude
I'm fucked off and freaked out at the same time.... Listen to this..
I lean over, to smell my new purple/grape candle, that I was burning tonite. I was also getting ready to blow it out. I lean over, my hair not even near the candle to my knowledge, and i see flames in front of my face. I pat my head and put the flames out, still in awe as to how that happened. So I smell this aweful stinking shit, and figure I'll still have to just trim the edge off my hair to fix it, and I go downstairs to take a look at the damage.
The ends are burnt just a bit, then i look in the mirror my eyelashes are fucked up, I burnt my eyelashes, the white hairs between my eyebrows.. and i look, and some of my hair is almost burnt to the root on top. Looks like shit. Sure.. It is just hair.. that is my philosophy..but...
I'm fucking lucky I didn't hurt myself more, and i don't quite get the eyelash thing, cuz.. well I have my glasses on. This is fucked up.. ya know? I'm a bit fucked over as to how it even happened.... but glad I didn't hurt my eyes or burn my skin or something.. but still.
.... on another note....
The fan club is getting bigger.. I feel I may have some real prospects, which is scary/exciting/... and frustrating at the same time. Miss T. of course... will that ever end. I wish he wanted me.. like I want him. I feel like I just need to get over him, because he's 37. .. yah know... if he was really looking to settle down.. he'd do so.... and besides... if he would stay with me if I was pregnant, but I'm not good enough to be with/make time with/ love... in general, whats the point.
Now I'm fucking crying... again. I was fine a few minutes ago. EVerything I think about dating.. I get so upset..cuz.. I just want him.
I'm going to bed now, before I get fucked over more..and do/say... something I may regret in the future...
Just me and the smell of burnt hair.
I lean over, to smell my new purple/grape candle, that I was burning tonite. I was also getting ready to blow it out. I lean over, my hair not even near the candle to my knowledge, and i see flames in front of my face. I pat my head and put the flames out, still in awe as to how that happened. So I smell this aweful stinking shit, and figure I'll still have to just trim the edge off my hair to fix it, and I go downstairs to take a look at the damage.
The ends are burnt just a bit, then i look in the mirror my eyelashes are fucked up, I burnt my eyelashes, the white hairs between my eyebrows.. and i look, and some of my hair is almost burnt to the root on top. Looks like shit. Sure.. It is just hair.. that is my philosophy..but...
I'm fucking lucky I didn't hurt myself more, and i don't quite get the eyelash thing, cuz.. well I have my glasses on. This is fucked up.. ya know? I'm a bit fucked over as to how it even happened.... but glad I didn't hurt my eyes or burn my skin or something.. but still.
.... on another note....
The fan club is getting bigger.. I feel I may have some real prospects, which is scary/exciting/... and frustrating at the same time. Miss T. of course... will that ever end. I wish he wanted me.. like I want him. I feel like I just need to get over him, because he's 37. .. yah know... if he was really looking to settle down.. he'd do so.... and besides... if he would stay with me if I was pregnant, but I'm not good enough to be with/make time with/ love... in general, whats the point.
Now I'm fucking crying... again. I was fine a few minutes ago. EVerything I think about dating.. I get so upset..cuz.. I just want him.
I'm going to bed now, before I get fucked over more..and do/say... something I may regret in the future...
Just me and the smell of burnt hair.
Friday, December 17, 2004
Cutting.....
Well I donated blood yesterday. That went well, I got a bit sick near the end, but I survived, and have no pain or bruising from it. Which is great. I am tired as hell though, but not cuz of donating, just cuz I go to bed at like 3 or later, and get up at 7 or 8 in the AM.
On my way home... last nite. had some aweful calls again. I felt really like cutting, more than I have in a long time, prolly 6 months. I started calling everyone on my phone list.. of people to talk to when I'm upset/ feeling this way. Noone was around. I had to stop at Wal-mart to get Darian Tylenol, and was afraid of what I mite do.
Then, D., called back. We've never actually talked on the phone before, but he was really sweet and really sensitive... and wasn't scared off by the things I ended up telling him. That's a red flag right there.. so either.. he's like T., and he'll totally drive me mad, or he's like EPB, and will be too needy. Thing is.. when a guy meets me.. and I share something like that with him .. about my borderline personality and/or self injuring... they should fucking run like hell...
Dr. went well yesterday. She told me... that I shouldn't be worrying about the HPV, because I had a surgery of shorts, to remove it, since all my paps have been fine since, I'm clean. That really fucks me over ,but at the same.. time... Everything thing I've read on the subject is inconclusive.
So,pretty much.. my life sucks, and I really wanted to jump off a bridge last nite. I wouldn't of done that, but I would of prolly cut if I hadn't of talked to D. I do need to reevaluate, and get myself in check though. I can't have this rediculous shit takeing over my life again, just because I'm lonely and heartbroken. I've spent most my life being lonely. I mean.. what the fuck is new? Really... I'll prolly spend the rest of my life alone, so it doesn't really matter. I can't really function when I'm in a relationship, because I'm too needy, too demanding.. and too jealous. So I'd prefer to be by myself in certain ways.... Though.. all I really want is to know I'm loved.
On my way home... last nite. had some aweful calls again. I felt really like cutting, more than I have in a long time, prolly 6 months. I started calling everyone on my phone list.. of people to talk to when I'm upset/ feeling this way. Noone was around. I had to stop at Wal-mart to get Darian Tylenol, and was afraid of what I mite do.
Then, D., called back. We've never actually talked on the phone before, but he was really sweet and really sensitive... and wasn't scared off by the things I ended up telling him. That's a red flag right there.. so either.. he's like T., and he'll totally drive me mad, or he's like EPB, and will be too needy. Thing is.. when a guy meets me.. and I share something like that with him .. about my borderline personality and/or self injuring... they should fucking run like hell...
Dr. went well yesterday. She told me... that I shouldn't be worrying about the HPV, because I had a surgery of shorts, to remove it, since all my paps have been fine since, I'm clean. That really fucks me over ,but at the same.. time... Everything thing I've read on the subject is inconclusive.
So,pretty much.. my life sucks, and I really wanted to jump off a bridge last nite. I wouldn't of done that, but I would of prolly cut if I hadn't of talked to D. I do need to reevaluate, and get myself in check though. I can't have this rediculous shit takeing over my life again, just because I'm lonely and heartbroken. I've spent most my life being lonely. I mean.. what the fuck is new? Really... I'll prolly spend the rest of my life alone, so it doesn't really matter. I can't really function when I'm in a relationship, because I'm too needy, too demanding.. and too jealous. So I'd prefer to be by myself in certain ways.... Though.. all I really want is to know I'm loved.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
SO much..
Have so much I want to talk about/write about, but I need to be up in a few hours..
Life, love, EPB, T., and the other men in my life... blah.. I want to find a gf, I'm a bit sick of men.
It really is fucked up though, to each his own, and what goes around, comes around. EPB, emailed me.. telling me he emailed T., I'd like to know what the fuck he said. Its so fucked up. I break EPB's heart.. and T. breaks mine in return. I totally don't understand it.... or his mood swings, or maybe its just he's angry at me. I really don't know cuz he doesn't share those thoughts and/or feelings with me. Which makes me sad. I shared my all with him, and I only wanted the same in return, only I learned that too late.
I think I masterbated like 20 or 30 times over the weekend, maybe more. I wasn't counting, I was too busy moaning. Its kind of sick.. ya know.. I call men.. to use them for phone sex, so I can get off, since T. doesn't call me anymore. I miss that. I love how on key, and intuitive he is with me when we have phone sex. I miss that. Nobody could ever do me.. like he did me... ;) both over the phone and in person. I get horny.. just thinking about his voice, I love it. Its what I fell in love with first, that and his intellect... and the way he writes... its beautiful. I just have to realize that that part of my life is over now, it was short and sweet, and now I have to move on... its so hard. I so wish that I could do more, but I don't know anything I could say or do.. I left it in his hands.. his decision, as to what/when/if we had a chance together. He couldn't give me a straight answer, and to me, he mite as well said no. He says I have a choice in this, but I made my choice, and I can't make his choice for him. He makes it, everytime he talks to me, or calls or doesn't call. And sure, I could not answer the call, or not call back, or not email, or not communicate at all, but thats not what I want. Thats not what I need. I need him, and want him, and desire him, despite the stupid shit we've been doing lately... little immature spats back and forth. And I really don't know why he did what he did when we were talking online the other day..
He says to me.. I've been thinking about sending u a bouquet.. for xmas.. (and i'm thinking... what the fuck is that about??!?!? he's not interested in me) and then continues.. or a knife w/ a nasty note." I just sit there.. and think to myself. .. I wouldn't that if I were him, I'd prolly go balistic, and then be in jail for murder. That would take balls. He then.. proceeds to tell me in a few minutes, what I've been waiting to hear since he dumped me.. "I HATE YOU, go away leave me alone", I'm fine with that, if I believe it was true...
but then he comes back to respond.. after i say something mean myself, that i truely didn't mean... cuz i'd never want anything bad to happen to him, or any of his band members(despite the fact that they hate me and think i'm a wacked out psycho-- or so I'm under the assumption), he comes back and apoligizes.. and asks nice.. and.. like the T. that i know, and it eventually turns sexual, (of course)...
And if he came over.. would I fuck him? yeah.. if he invited me down.. would I go, yeah, and would i fuck him? yeah. Why? cuz.. having sex with ur ex is easier than finding someone new. And for me it feels safer.. though I wonder every day.. if he's found a new fuck.. or love for that fact. And because I still love him and i love the way I feel in his arms.. (oh.. and it helps that he likes to eat pussy)
but regardless.. its time for me to suck it up, cry, bitch complain, piss & moan, and get him out of my system... Its going to be a new year soon, and I have mountains to climb, things to accomplish, records to set, and hearts to break... cuz I'm not letting anyone have mine for a long time.
Life, love, EPB, T., and the other men in my life... blah.. I want to find a gf, I'm a bit sick of men.
It really is fucked up though, to each his own, and what goes around, comes around. EPB, emailed me.. telling me he emailed T., I'd like to know what the fuck he said. Its so fucked up. I break EPB's heart.. and T. breaks mine in return. I totally don't understand it.... or his mood swings, or maybe its just he's angry at me. I really don't know cuz he doesn't share those thoughts and/or feelings with me. Which makes me sad. I shared my all with him, and I only wanted the same in return, only I learned that too late.
I think I masterbated like 20 or 30 times over the weekend, maybe more. I wasn't counting, I was too busy moaning. Its kind of sick.. ya know.. I call men.. to use them for phone sex, so I can get off, since T. doesn't call me anymore. I miss that. I love how on key, and intuitive he is with me when we have phone sex. I miss that. Nobody could ever do me.. like he did me... ;) both over the phone and in person. I get horny.. just thinking about his voice, I love it. Its what I fell in love with first, that and his intellect... and the way he writes... its beautiful. I just have to realize that that part of my life is over now, it was short and sweet, and now I have to move on... its so hard. I so wish that I could do more, but I don't know anything I could say or do.. I left it in his hands.. his decision, as to what/when/if we had a chance together. He couldn't give me a straight answer, and to me, he mite as well said no. He says I have a choice in this, but I made my choice, and I can't make his choice for him. He makes it, everytime he talks to me, or calls or doesn't call. And sure, I could not answer the call, or not call back, or not email, or not communicate at all, but thats not what I want. Thats not what I need. I need him, and want him, and desire him, despite the stupid shit we've been doing lately... little immature spats back and forth. And I really don't know why he did what he did when we were talking online the other day..
He says to me.. I've been thinking about sending u a bouquet.. for xmas.. (and i'm thinking... what the fuck is that about??!?!? he's not interested in me) and then continues.. or a knife w/ a nasty note." I just sit there.. and think to myself. .. I wouldn't that if I were him, I'd prolly go balistic, and then be in jail for murder. That would take balls. He then.. proceeds to tell me in a few minutes, what I've been waiting to hear since he dumped me.. "I HATE YOU, go away leave me alone", I'm fine with that, if I believe it was true...
but then he comes back to respond.. after i say something mean myself, that i truely didn't mean... cuz i'd never want anything bad to happen to him, or any of his band members(despite the fact that they hate me and think i'm a wacked out psycho-- or so I'm under the assumption), he comes back and apoligizes.. and asks nice.. and.. like the T. that i know, and it eventually turns sexual, (of course)...
And if he came over.. would I fuck him? yeah.. if he invited me down.. would I go, yeah, and would i fuck him? yeah. Why? cuz.. having sex with ur ex is easier than finding someone new. And for me it feels safer.. though I wonder every day.. if he's found a new fuck.. or love for that fact. And because I still love him and i love the way I feel in his arms.. (oh.. and it helps that he likes to eat pussy)
but regardless.. its time for me to suck it up, cry, bitch complain, piss & moan, and get him out of my system... Its going to be a new year soon, and I have mountains to climb, things to accomplish, records to set, and hearts to break... cuz I'm not letting anyone have mine for a long time.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Love this shit.... YOU Know You're addicted to the internet when....
| You Know You're Addicted to Internet When... |
| You kiss you girlfriend's home page. Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment. Your dreams are in HTML. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor. You turn your computer off and get this awful epmty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au" Your heart races faster and beats irredgularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened. You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you. You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice that you've been to all of them. Your dog has its own webpage. You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL. You don't know what sex your three of your closeset friends are, because they have nuetral screennames and you never bothered to ask. You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back. Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth. You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed" The last hottie you picked up was only a jpeg. You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while youre pretending to catch your breath. You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. You forget what year it is. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain. Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button. All of your friends have an @ in their names. You start using smileys in your snail mail You bring a bag lunch to the computer. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling. You type faster than you think. You double click your TV remote. You can now type over 70 WPM. You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail. You go into withdrawals during dinner. You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have. You have "Googled" all your friends to try to find out anything interesteing that they are not telling you and you can use against them later. You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away. The sound of the keys clicking turns you on. You have more browsers than friends in the real world. You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than 'in my opinion' and 'at the moment'. And they give you strange looks. You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes. The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use. You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**. You're on the phone and say BRB. The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to the internet. |
Julie 
__________________________________________________
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Satur(FUCKING)day....
I had a good nite. I faced my fears (anxieties) and went to the club by myself, so see a band, I thought I mite enjoy (and I loved it-despite feeling a bit weird, being at the club by myself)....
So check them out.. ON MYSPACE.. The Underwater or on their home page... theunderwater.net.
It was kewl to get out, but even cooler.. to see the band that added me on myspace. Enjoyable. Though, I felt weird leaving early, but... I really didn't enjoy the band that came on after. The guys in the band are hot, I must admit.. (in The Underwater), though the band, after them.. I didn't really .. get in to their beat, they singer had a nice voice, and well I give kudos to anyone that can get up on stage.. and sing...like that..
I wish I could.
I've thought about it alot... why don't I do something about it? Why can't I sing??? cuz I don't have the practice.. I have an awesome talking voice.. and.. am always complimented on that.. (i get lots of practice talking)....
hahah...
So.. I'm still confused about T. Though... when the bad .. gets going.. just talk about sex, it makes everything better. I wish I knew what he felt or thought, about all the things I say to him... but .. I just get.. "I'm listening"... when I want so much more than that. I know, my stupidity makes me want him, but.. I can't get the thoughts of when we are together out of my head. I feel such comfort with him, I felt loved, and wanted and needed... and safe. When i was in his arms, I trusted him with my life, with my heart, my soul..... but when he's away.. its like.. a fucking nightmare for me. Its so hard to explain, I wish I could. I don't know how to just be his friend... because I don't want to. I want the chance.. I want the chance I gave him, that he didn't give me... I don't see why.. we know we both have problems, and we love each other.. (well i don't know if he really loves me, but.. until tonite, I really felt he did.... ) but i know I love him. I just don't understand, why we can't do things together... he tells me.. you need help, I need help, this just can't be healthy... but it can... if we both want it bad enough. I think, though its tough... that it would be a bit easier, knowing somoone loves you , and is on ur side.. I don't want to spend my life alone. I don't want to hve to find anyone else. I love this man, I love T... with all my heart.. and I want him to know that, I want the world to know it. I'll never stop loving him, I know that... and until I know for sure, that we can't be together, it will always be in the back of my mind. I just want a chance. I want my best friend back.
I'm so tired of the way we fight... we just keep nitpicking back and forth, saying spiteful things to one another. He tells me.. stuff about having to love myself, but.. I know how to love myself, just I've done things, that I don't know how to forgive myself for, but... I really truely.. don't think he loves himself. That he thinks he's not good enough.. for anything... but.. dread and misery..
Part of me knows in my heart, that.. things probably wouldn't work, we definately.. can't communicate well.. (unless its about sex), because I feel like he doesn't really listen to me.. or if he's listening, he has no input... but I feel like, even if it didn't work, having had that chance.. would be better than how things are now, cuz then we'd know...
I just get so mad.... about the fact that he told me he wanted to marry me... when I feel now, that he can hardly stand me.
So check them out.. ON MYSPACE.. The Underwater or on their home page... theunderwater.net.
It was kewl to get out, but even cooler.. to see the band that added me on myspace. Enjoyable. Though, I felt weird leaving early, but... I really didn't enjoy the band that came on after. The guys in the band are hot, I must admit.. (in The Underwater), though the band, after them.. I didn't really .. get in to their beat, they singer had a nice voice, and well I give kudos to anyone that can get up on stage.. and sing...like that..
I wish I could.
I've thought about it alot... why don't I do something about it? Why can't I sing??? cuz I don't have the practice.. I have an awesome talking voice.. and.. am always complimented on that.. (i get lots of practice talking)....
hahah...
So.. I'm still confused about T. Though... when the bad .. gets going.. just talk about sex, it makes everything better. I wish I knew what he felt or thought, about all the things I say to him... but .. I just get.. "I'm listening"... when I want so much more than that. I know, my stupidity makes me want him, but.. I can't get the thoughts of when we are together out of my head. I feel such comfort with him, I felt loved, and wanted and needed... and safe. When i was in his arms, I trusted him with my life, with my heart, my soul..... but when he's away.. its like.. a fucking nightmare for me. Its so hard to explain, I wish I could. I don't know how to just be his friend... because I don't want to. I want the chance.. I want the chance I gave him, that he didn't give me... I don't see why.. we know we both have problems, and we love each other.. (well i don't know if he really loves me, but.. until tonite, I really felt he did.... ) but i know I love him. I just don't understand, why we can't do things together... he tells me.. you need help, I need help, this just can't be healthy... but it can... if we both want it bad enough. I think, though its tough... that it would be a bit easier, knowing somoone loves you , and is on ur side.. I don't want to spend my life alone. I don't want to hve to find anyone else. I love this man, I love T... with all my heart.. and I want him to know that, I want the world to know it. I'll never stop loving him, I know that... and until I know for sure, that we can't be together, it will always be in the back of my mind. I just want a chance. I want my best friend back.
I'm so tired of the way we fight... we just keep nitpicking back and forth, saying spiteful things to one another. He tells me.. stuff about having to love myself, but.. I know how to love myself, just I've done things, that I don't know how to forgive myself for, but... I really truely.. don't think he loves himself. That he thinks he's not good enough.. for anything... but.. dread and misery..
Part of me knows in my heart, that.. things probably wouldn't work, we definately.. can't communicate well.. (unless its about sex), because I feel like he doesn't really listen to me.. or if he's listening, he has no input... but I feel like, even if it didn't work, having had that chance.. would be better than how things are now, cuz then we'd know...
I just get so mad.... about the fact that he told me he wanted to marry me... when I feel now, that he can hardly stand me.
Which internet subculture do I belong to?
| ||||||||
Friday, December 10, 2004
For the first time..... in weeks.... and then....
Continued Tonite.... SERIOUSLY.....
And the continuation of the series....
T. calls me last nite. I miss the call as I've just went to bed, and am happily masterbating.. well not happily, but that's another story..... so.. I was moaning his name, prolly when I miss his call because i have my phone on vibrate..
SO i see this morning... I shrug it off, and answer my voicemail... and the sound of his voice hits me.. like a jackhammer in the cement... as much as I want to deny my feelings, the ones I've been blocking for over a week... the ones I thought I was feeling better about.... they all hit me..
I hear his voice tonite, he answered the phone, which freaked me out, and then.. was really short with me, he was really disturbed by the death of the Pantera band member.. which ... I can understand.. but.. I didn't really know what to say.
I want to say more, but I can't, I don't hve the words, except that I love him, and I have to find a way.. to not love him.... its killing me. I just want to die today.. not just because of his lack of love for me, but because of what I've become... Noone has said it better than Nirvana... " I hate myself and want to die"
I hate parts of me so much, that nothing good I do.. will ever makeup for it. I'm dead inside, and nothing helps that. I just want to get things arranged, so that my daughter has a good life, after my death.
GOD, I've only spoke to two assholes in one nite.. I'm so sick of men.
Remind me.. on my list... of things to do, .. as part of my Last Will and Testament, I want a death notice, sent to Russel, as maybe then, he will remember that I was fucking serious when I said, I wanted to die. And since I haven't seen him in years... (by the time I die, maybe he will believe it had nothing to do with him being an asshole)
Why do I let shit get to me? Why do I keep giving people my heart only to get shit on. Lying doesn't get me anywhere.. (though I wouldnt' really know), but honesty sure the fuck doesn't. I tell everyone.. everything I can possibly.. tell them.. to get them to leave me alone, and not be my friend.. or want to date me .. and they never FUCKING listen. NEVER...
Then, I'm the one that gets hurt.
I remember.. when T. and talked about meeting, and dating.. that he told me.. something about.. him getting attached easily.. and that something about me.. hurting him. or somethign, shit, so many tears are streaming down my face, and i'm hurting so bad, I can't think straight... well he said something.. about.. if he got hurt, he may be the one taking all the pills or something.. something referring to him committing suicide. It pained me.. cuz when I wanted to meet him, I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, just it felt so right at the time, he made me feel so good. I was so scared that I would hurt him, and.. now, I'm sure he hardly thinks of me... I hurt so bad because of it, I never remember in my life, a man hurting me like this.. ever..... and I don't know how how to deal with it.. especially when i hear the stuff from him.. like i've mentioned before... "simple, don't get over me", or "don't give up on us, until we can get a chance to do it right"... u know FUCK HIM, he had a chance, and he threw me away, like yesterdays trash, and everytime... he says he wants to see me... and then doesn't come, it go thru those same motions again.. everytime he calls, and then dissappears for quite a while, I go thru it again.... I just want to die, so I don't have to feel pain any longer....
Its not just that though... ( i know part of this fucking nutso episode I'm having now... is not rationally.. and is because I'm having my period), but I've not dove down this low for quite a while, so it's fucking hitting me hard..
I'm sure some of this has to do with the change at work, and my lack of seeing my friends, and the fact that I had company.. a few weeks ago, and now I'm more alone that ever. Part of it results in the jealousy i have for others happiness... and my lack of haveing any real passions in my life.
Its more depressing... i like everythign.. but . i love nothing.... except a man.. that doesn't love me back...
(and of course my daughter..)
the only thing i'm passionate about.. is.. education.. and that doesn't get me anywhere.... i'm not a fan of anything..
maybe thats a lie, I'm passionate about driving, but would never do anythign about it.. I'm passionate about learning, and I learn something every day.. sometimes trivial things.. sometimes.. not..
Today.. I learned.. that I'm a loser.. baby..
So why don't you kill me??
And the continuation of the series....
T. calls me last nite. I miss the call as I've just went to bed, and am happily masterbating.. well not happily, but that's another story..... so.. I was moaning his name, prolly when I miss his call because i have my phone on vibrate..
SO i see this morning... I shrug it off, and answer my voicemail... and the sound of his voice hits me.. like a jackhammer in the cement... as much as I want to deny my feelings, the ones I've been blocking for over a week... the ones I thought I was feeling better about.... they all hit me..
I hear his voice tonite, he answered the phone, which freaked me out, and then.. was really short with me, he was really disturbed by the death of the Pantera band member.. which ... I can understand.. but.. I didn't really know what to say.
I want to say more, but I can't, I don't hve the words, except that I love him, and I have to find a way.. to not love him.... its killing me. I just want to die today.. not just because of his lack of love for me, but because of what I've become... Noone has said it better than Nirvana... " I hate myself and want to die"
I hate parts of me so much, that nothing good I do.. will ever makeup for it. I'm dead inside, and nothing helps that. I just want to get things arranged, so that my daughter has a good life, after my death.
GOD, I've only spoke to two assholes in one nite.. I'm so sick of men.
Remind me.. on my list... of things to do, .. as part of my Last Will and Testament, I want a death notice, sent to Russel, as maybe then, he will remember that I was fucking serious when I said, I wanted to die. And since I haven't seen him in years... (by the time I die, maybe he will believe it had nothing to do with him being an asshole)
Why do I let shit get to me? Why do I keep giving people my heart only to get shit on. Lying doesn't get me anywhere.. (though I wouldnt' really know), but honesty sure the fuck doesn't. I tell everyone.. everything I can possibly.. tell them.. to get them to leave me alone, and not be my friend.. or want to date me .. and they never FUCKING listen. NEVER...
Then, I'm the one that gets hurt.
I remember.. when T. and talked about meeting, and dating.. that he told me.. something about.. him getting attached easily.. and that something about me.. hurting him. or somethign, shit, so many tears are streaming down my face, and i'm hurting so bad, I can't think straight... well he said something.. about.. if he got hurt, he may be the one taking all the pills or something.. something referring to him committing suicide. It pained me.. cuz when I wanted to meet him, I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, just it felt so right at the time, he made me feel so good. I was so scared that I would hurt him, and.. now, I'm sure he hardly thinks of me... I hurt so bad because of it, I never remember in my life, a man hurting me like this.. ever..... and I don't know how how to deal with it.. especially when i hear the stuff from him.. like i've mentioned before... "simple, don't get over me", or "don't give up on us, until we can get a chance to do it right"... u know FUCK HIM, he had a chance, and he threw me away, like yesterdays trash, and everytime... he says he wants to see me... and then doesn't come, it go thru those same motions again.. everytime he calls, and then dissappears for quite a while, I go thru it again.... I just want to die, so I don't have to feel pain any longer....
Its not just that though... ( i know part of this fucking nutso episode I'm having now... is not rationally.. and is because I'm having my period), but I've not dove down this low for quite a while, so it's fucking hitting me hard..
I'm sure some of this has to do with the change at work, and my lack of seeing my friends, and the fact that I had company.. a few weeks ago, and now I'm more alone that ever. Part of it results in the jealousy i have for others happiness... and my lack of haveing any real passions in my life.
Its more depressing... i like everythign.. but . i love nothing.... except a man.. that doesn't love me back...
(and of course my daughter..)
the only thing i'm passionate about.. is.. education.. and that doesn't get me anywhere.... i'm not a fan of anything..
maybe thats a lie, I'm passionate about driving, but would never do anythign about it.. I'm passionate about learning, and I learn something every day.. sometimes trivial things.. sometimes.. not..
Today.. I learned.. that I'm a loser.. baby..
So why don't you kill me??
Love is like a Computer
Had to post this cuz its fucking funny!! AND TRUE!! ITs in the Gay & Lesbian section, but can apply to other's as well.
Love is like a computer
By William D. Hicks
I've pondered love. What input produces the desired output? Finally, I realized — love is like a computer. All components, systems and programs must work harmoniously for love to compute without errors.
1. Garbage in, garbage out: If you keep telling yourself romantic myths about a prince on a white horse saving you, and that love conquers all… living on clichés, you'll never find love. No one's perfect. No relationship is a fairy tale. While gay relationships may contain two fairy tails — neither one of them is perfect! Well, maybe some.
2. WYSIWYG: If your date is almost Mr. Right – almost the perfect guy for you, if he would just floss and upgrade his hairstyle, then get a new boyfriend – get over it! Some times it's easier to buy a new system than upgrade it. It just won't happen. After all, “What You See Is What You Get.”
3. Too much input: Dating six people at once. It isn't fair to anyone! How can you integrate all the data and process all the information (about your feelings) if you're running six programs at once? In this case, you're bound to have system errors and hard-drive crashes. No one likes it when their hard drive crashes!
(I say FUCK that!!!, if your got the system to run it, why the fuck wouldn't you mulitask!! - Jae Ann)
4. 56.6 Baud vs. 14.4 Baud: If your date moves too fast (falls in love overnight) while you're still trying to make a connection, you're operating on different bandwidths. Be careful: He may be connecting with multiple service providers!
5. Pentium 5 vs. Pentium 1: If a date is stuck with an outdated operating system (lives in the past, dresses in clothes that were current pre-Vietnam), you two may be incompatible. Your date may be stuck in a Pentium 1 lifestyle while you're in a Pentium 5 world. Be leery — slower operating systems are outdated. Two men with different bandwidths will only connect sporadically.
6. Power Switch: Make sure a boyfriend knows which button turns you on. If he can't locate it, love may never boot up. Since neither of you comes with instruction manuals, don't mute your feelings. Of course, if he knows how to turn you on, he'll also be able to turn you off!
7. Power Switch: Make sure a boyfriend knows which button turns you on. If he can't locate it, love may never boot up. Since neither of you comes with instruction manuals, don't mute your feelings. Of course, if he knows how to turn you on, he'll also be able to turn you off!
8. Outdated Processor: If you want love – but he sees sex as fun and games – you're wired differently. That's like trying to get a Pentium processor to run a Mac program. Not going to happen!
9. Mac vs. PC: Macs are more artistic. PCs are more business-oriented. These systems are not compatible; word processing works on both, but other applications do not!
10. Intranet vs. Internet: If you're a man with a limited, selective friendship base while he has a World Wide Web of friends, you may be speaking different languages.
11. Secure Servers vs. Public Domains: Some men have a discretionary network of friends. They may put firewalls up or keep their binary info secure. Others send out cookies to newsgroups. Can these two types really find connectivity? Dubious!
12. Browsers: Some men are just browsers in the World Wide Web of love. They sign on, search, and visit many URLs. But they forget the passwords that open the ports of a man's heart. Be aware of these browsers.
13.Pop-ups and Spammers: Some men lurk in popular places hoping to be noticed, while others send out indiscriminate emails and IMs to every man alive. They're spammers. Watch out for deceitful men like this. They're liable to be infected with a Trojan horse and could cause your system to crash!
~ I read this.. and it reminds me.. of my life.. and what's wrong... . but its all about this.. .. ~ we, the guys I date & I are just simply incompatible, and its nothing more than that. Maybe that is why most of my ex boyfriends are still really good friends of mine. I'd like to think so. But we all operate differently. I wish I could tolerate the men that tolerate me, because it seems all the nice guys, either, have more issues than me, are too needy, or.. too possessive, and I can't deal with them. . so I break their hearts, and cry about it for a while, then I move on.... And I always fall in love with the men, that can't say what they mean, because they don't know what it is they want and need in the first place... so they fuck with my head....
Love is like a computer
By William D. Hicks
I've pondered love. What input produces the desired output? Finally, I realized — love is like a computer. All components, systems and programs must work harmoniously for love to compute without errors.
1. Garbage in, garbage out: If you keep telling yourself romantic myths about a prince on a white horse saving you, and that love conquers all… living on clichés, you'll never find love. No one's perfect. No relationship is a fairy tale. While gay relationships may contain two fairy tails — neither one of them is perfect! Well, maybe some.
2. WYSIWYG: If your date is almost Mr. Right – almost the perfect guy for you, if he would just floss and upgrade his hairstyle, then get a new boyfriend – get over it! Some times it's easier to buy a new system than upgrade it. It just won't happen. After all, “What You See Is What You Get.”
3. Too much input: Dating six people at once. It isn't fair to anyone! How can you integrate all the data and process all the information (about your feelings) if you're running six programs at once? In this case, you're bound to have system errors and hard-drive crashes. No one likes it when their hard drive crashes!
(I say FUCK that!!!, if your got the system to run it, why the fuck wouldn't you mulitask!! - Jae Ann)
4. 56.6 Baud vs. 14.4 Baud: If your date moves too fast (falls in love overnight) while you're still trying to make a connection, you're operating on different bandwidths. Be careful: He may be connecting with multiple service providers!
5. Pentium 5 vs. Pentium 1: If a date is stuck with an outdated operating system (lives in the past, dresses in clothes that were current pre-Vietnam), you two may be incompatible. Your date may be stuck in a Pentium 1 lifestyle while you're in a Pentium 5 world. Be leery — slower operating systems are outdated. Two men with different bandwidths will only connect sporadically.
6. Power Switch: Make sure a boyfriend knows which button turns you on. If he can't locate it, love may never boot up. Since neither of you comes with instruction manuals, don't mute your feelings. Of course, if he knows how to turn you on, he'll also be able to turn you off!
7. Power Switch: Make sure a boyfriend knows which button turns you on. If he can't locate it, love may never boot up. Since neither of you comes with instruction manuals, don't mute your feelings. Of course, if he knows how to turn you on, he'll also be able to turn you off!
8. Outdated Processor: If you want love – but he sees sex as fun and games – you're wired differently. That's like trying to get a Pentium processor to run a Mac program. Not going to happen!
9. Mac vs. PC: Macs are more artistic. PCs are more business-oriented. These systems are not compatible; word processing works on both, but other applications do not!
10. Intranet vs. Internet: If you're a man with a limited, selective friendship base while he has a World Wide Web of friends, you may be speaking different languages.
11. Secure Servers vs. Public Domains: Some men have a discretionary network of friends. They may put firewalls up or keep their binary info secure. Others send out cookies to newsgroups. Can these two types really find connectivity? Dubious!
12. Browsers: Some men are just browsers in the World Wide Web of love. They sign on, search, and visit many URLs. But they forget the passwords that open the ports of a man's heart. Be aware of these browsers.
13.Pop-ups and Spammers: Some men lurk in popular places hoping to be noticed, while others send out indiscriminate emails and IMs to every man alive. They're spammers. Watch out for deceitful men like this. They're liable to be infected with a Trojan horse and could cause your system to crash!
~ I read this.. and it reminds me.. of my life.. and what's wrong... . but its all about this.. .. ~ we, the guys I date & I are just simply incompatible, and its nothing more than that. Maybe that is why most of my ex boyfriends are still really good friends of mine. I'd like to think so. But we all operate differently. I wish I could tolerate the men that tolerate me, because it seems all the nice guys, either, have more issues than me, are too needy, or.. too possessive, and I can't deal with them. . so I break their hearts, and cry about it for a while, then I move on.... And I always fall in love with the men, that can't say what they mean, because they don't know what it is they want and need in the first place... so they fuck with my head....
Bridge
No.. not the game.. the one I want to jump off.
The thoughts go thru my head.. yes.. I've had a bad day. (second day in a row)
How tall would the bridge have to be... for me to know, that when I hit the ground I'd die, or.. that .. I'd be scared shitless from falling. I dunno, I don't think they have bridges around here that high.
I guess I'll have to wait a few more weeks, till I go back home, and am able to go to Kinzua. Um... I wonder if I'll put this one off. Third times a charm.
I dunno these thoughts go thru my head... daily..
especially today...
I have a list of things I have to do before all this happens though....
The thoughts go thru my head.. yes.. I've had a bad day. (second day in a row)
How tall would the bridge have to be... for me to know, that when I hit the ground I'd die, or.. that .. I'd be scared shitless from falling. I dunno, I don't think they have bridges around here that high.
I guess I'll have to wait a few more weeks, till I go back home, and am able to go to Kinzua. Um... I wonder if I'll put this one off. Third times a charm.
I dunno these thoughts go thru my head... daily..
especially today...
I have a list of things I have to do before all this happens though....
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
SSDD.. ( or maybe not)
Same ole Same Ole..
MOOD: Stable but wandering....
LOVE LIFE: Non-existent, boring, and did I say non-existent?
WORK: Frustrating and fucked up, as usual
FAN CLUB: mostly non-existant, unless you count the hot guy that just wants to fuck? but... I don't so.. I don't think he counts
EX-BF LIST: Um... they don't call, a few text, or message me online... but basically been nil for about a week now
POSSIBLE LIST: pretty much NIL for the nite, except Bryant, which doesn't really count because he lives like.. at least 800 miles away... (though he acts like he wants to do the ld thing, and won't really explain why, but I told him I'm not up for that... that and he didnt' call back...MEN..GRRR)
SI THOUGHTS: none much, except the wandering ones, that think about killing myself next year, after i get some good life insurance...
PLANS: The Silo on Saturday.. (most likely.. i got an add request from MySPace, from a band that is playing.. and thought it mite be worth it check it out), Don't think John will stop by, and Haven't heard from Mark.. since we hung out last..., other plans include, possibly.. meeting Rob, (he's asking again.. so I figure lunch won't hurt), laundry... and more laundry and cleaning.. and sleep.... Then Next weekend... Go visit Punky, I hope.. and The weekend after that, I head home... etc..
NEW THOUGHTS: to find love like my brother and his gf have, thru everythign they stick together, and its been tough... known each other since age 7
WHAT I NEED TO DO: its nice to hve plans, and goals for the future, I have lots of stuff planned for next year, that keeps the SI thoughts away, and helps me dream of a better future....
NOW: I need to go to bed...
MOOD: Stable but wandering....
LOVE LIFE: Non-existent, boring, and did I say non-existent?
WORK: Frustrating and fucked up, as usual
FAN CLUB: mostly non-existant, unless you count the hot guy that just wants to fuck? but... I don't so.. I don't think he counts
EX-BF LIST: Um... they don't call, a few text, or message me online... but basically been nil for about a week now
POSSIBLE LIST: pretty much NIL for the nite, except Bryant, which doesn't really count because he lives like.. at least 800 miles away... (though he acts like he wants to do the ld thing, and won't really explain why, but I told him I'm not up for that... that and he didnt' call back...MEN..GRRR)
SI THOUGHTS: none much, except the wandering ones, that think about killing myself next year, after i get some good life insurance...
PLANS: The Silo on Saturday.. (most likely.. i got an add request from MySPace, from a band that is playing.. and thought it mite be worth it check it out), Don't think John will stop by, and Haven't heard from Mark.. since we hung out last..., other plans include, possibly.. meeting Rob, (he's asking again.. so I figure lunch won't hurt), laundry... and more laundry and cleaning.. and sleep.... Then Next weekend... Go visit Punky, I hope.. and The weekend after that, I head home... etc..
NEW THOUGHTS: to find love like my brother and his gf have, thru everythign they stick together, and its been tough... known each other since age 7
WHAT I NEED TO DO: its nice to hve plans, and goals for the future, I have lots of stuff planned for next year, that keeps the SI thoughts away, and helps me dream of a better future....
NOW: I need to go to bed...
Monday, December 06, 2004
GroundHog's day..
My life is like that movie, only the day is longer.... I wake up, and the same type of men appear in my life, I fall for the same shit, and I keep letting them in, only to be hurt... I say this referring to a guy I dated from Bangladesh, sees me online tonite, asks me to call, and stupid me. i do.. he goes on and on about how this girl, wants him to marry her... and he doesn't know what to do..he wants me to tell him... that I'll fly down to KS to be with him, and he won't marry her, cuz he loves me.. etc.... DUH, I've been over him... since like May of 2003, shortly after I tried to kill myself, but... part of me will always "what if", but I know in my heart, he could never tolerate the real me.. the bad me, the me that noone really wants... the me that come out when times are rough.... I see this same sort of pattern with T.... only I feel he has no fucking idea what he wants in his life, and so he pulls my strings, my heart strings, giving me false hope that we could ever be together.. false, ideas, false love.... love that even if were meant to be, it couldn't.. be. At this point I could never allow anymore more, than the friendship we shared.... I can't trust in someone that doesn't follow thru on anything that has to do with me. I can go on pineing over a man, that doesn't really want me... one that has more important dreams and ideas...
Maybe someday.. I'll find someone that can tolerate me, and maybe even love me.. but I know that will be a cold day in hell, as I can barely tolerate myself on those days when things are bad....
Just.. I know.. if I felt loved, things would get better, but until I can learn to change my perception into more of a reality... things will be the same...
I'm just so tired of that...
I'm tired of life..
Maybe someday.. I'll find someone that can tolerate me, and maybe even love me.. but I know that will be a cold day in hell, as I can barely tolerate myself on those days when things are bad....
Just.. I know.. if I felt loved, things would get better, but until I can learn to change my perception into more of a reality... things will be the same...
I'm just so tired of that...
I'm tired of life..
Resistance is Futile
I see this... "Resistance is Futile" every day when I log in to blog....
I don't know why I wrote that, but I guess because I'm putting off the inevitable...
Depressed tonite, even though I had a good time. The guy I met from MySpace, M. & I hung out tonite... I still think he's a great guy.. etc..etc... cute, funny, ...and intellectually stimulating... and I think we could be good friends. I don't see anything else becoming of it, which is good, but also weird. I'm not used to hanging out with a guy, that doesn't flirt.... with me. I'm not sure how to handle it, and I question what he really thinks of me... we'll see, I had an enjoyable time regardless. He likes to drink though... not beer, nooo. he's a wine drinker...
So now that I'm home, who comes to my mind again, but T..... My stupid.. stupid... thoughts.. " I can't him out of my head.. " . I miss him. I want him. I need him.
Scratch that, I don't need him. But I sometimes feel as if I do. All I do is hurt, and allow myself to be hurt by his actions, or lack therefore.
None of it is important any longer... though....
I've realized some things lately.. only which of one I can think of... so I'll talk about... that. I lack passion. At least I think I do. I have to think about it some more..but.... from my talk with M. tonite.....
He was talling me about Mozart, and he was passionate, when telling me so.... and he asked me.. "are you a fan of classical music?" I replied, " no, I'm not really a fan of anything... I like almost everything"
Which is true, I do.. I like variety.. same ole, same ole gets boring, even the fucking internet. I sit here, alone, as I have most nites this week.. I feel lost, forgotten, and unloved. I know.. I am loved, not sure by who or how much, and that the reason I'm being this way.. is just years of fucked up habit... years of feeling unloved and unwanted... and the rest of the years trying to forget about all the stuff that happened.
WHAT HAPPENED?
too much to go into in depth tonite...
but lets start with this.....
A girl, 14 years old, has her 20 something bf staying at her house (that she lives in with her parents)... gets pregnant... and her father says the guy has to marry her.. and "make it right". That girl, was my mother... thing is, I don't know why the father cared, my grandpa, cuz I'm sure he fucked her many times before my dad did. Literally, I'm speaking.. or so the story goes.
So they get their own apt, my father and mother, and get married, a nice wedding in the Crosby church, and a Lathrop reception at the firehall next door. All the works, even a cake,I'm sure, made by my Aunt Donna. Wouldn't be a Lathrop wedding without that, and beer.... So Carol, my mother, gives birth to a 6 lb, 9oz ( I think) baby girl at 6:54am on February 15th, 1979..... just 6 months after her wedding. An ugly baby... tiny and wrinkley... I'm brought into the world. I've never heard a story about my birth, which doesn't surprise me.. because for months after my birth I'm sure my mom was too strung out to remember anything... Since I was born, my parents thought it was time to party. My mom sold her foodstamps for dope, and anything she could get her hands on... This came the time for my saviour, my gramma, probably the only thing that gave me stability in my whole life. She really is my hero, though I've never told her that, or realized that till now....
I went to my grams house every other weekend, this became ritual the next 13 or so years.... (TBC....)
I don't know why I wrote that, but I guess because I'm putting off the inevitable...
Depressed tonite, even though I had a good time. The guy I met from MySpace, M. & I hung out tonite... I still think he's a great guy.. etc..etc... cute, funny, ...and intellectually stimulating... and I think we could be good friends. I don't see anything else becoming of it, which is good, but also weird. I'm not used to hanging out with a guy, that doesn't flirt.... with me. I'm not sure how to handle it, and I question what he really thinks of me... we'll see, I had an enjoyable time regardless. He likes to drink though... not beer, nooo. he's a wine drinker...
So now that I'm home, who comes to my mind again, but T..... My stupid.. stupid... thoughts.. " I can't him out of my head.. " . I miss him. I want him. I need him.
Scratch that, I don't need him. But I sometimes feel as if I do. All I do is hurt, and allow myself to be hurt by his actions, or lack therefore.
None of it is important any longer... though....
I've realized some things lately.. only which of one I can think of... so I'll talk about... that. I lack passion. At least I think I do. I have to think about it some more..but.... from my talk with M. tonite.....
He was talling me about Mozart, and he was passionate, when telling me so.... and he asked me.. "are you a fan of classical music?" I replied, " no, I'm not really a fan of anything... I like almost everything"
Which is true, I do.. I like variety.. same ole, same ole gets boring, even the fucking internet. I sit here, alone, as I have most nites this week.. I feel lost, forgotten, and unloved. I know.. I am loved, not sure by who or how much, and that the reason I'm being this way.. is just years of fucked up habit... years of feeling unloved and unwanted... and the rest of the years trying to forget about all the stuff that happened.
WHAT HAPPENED?
too much to go into in depth tonite...
but lets start with this.....
A girl, 14 years old, has her 20 something bf staying at her house (that she lives in with her parents)... gets pregnant... and her father says the guy has to marry her.. and "make it right". That girl, was my mother... thing is, I don't know why the father cared, my grandpa, cuz I'm sure he fucked her many times before my dad did. Literally, I'm speaking.. or so the story goes.
So they get their own apt, my father and mother, and get married, a nice wedding in the Crosby church, and a Lathrop reception at the firehall next door. All the works, even a cake,I'm sure, made by my Aunt Donna. Wouldn't be a Lathrop wedding without that, and beer.... So Carol, my mother, gives birth to a 6 lb, 9oz ( I think) baby girl at 6:54am on February 15th, 1979..... just 6 months after her wedding. An ugly baby... tiny and wrinkley... I'm brought into the world. I've never heard a story about my birth, which doesn't surprise me.. because for months after my birth I'm sure my mom was too strung out to remember anything... Since I was born, my parents thought it was time to party. My mom sold her foodstamps for dope, and anything she could get her hands on... This came the time for my saviour, my gramma, probably the only thing that gave me stability in my whole life. She really is my hero, though I've never told her that, or realized that till now....
I went to my grams house every other weekend, this became ritual the next 13 or so years.... (TBC....)
Sunday, December 05, 2004
MySpace BLOG
(from MY MySpace Blog.... enclosed for your viewing pleasure)
I never post anything interesting in this blog. Why? I don't think anyone really reads it. Who knows...
I met someone from here last nite, it was actually really nice. I feel a bit crazy going to meet him since I hardly know him, but it was well worth it. Had a great time, talking, and then.... yes..... we played video games... ( i know... i know... a rare occurance, a chick that likes video games) I had an enjoyable time, and got to see some x-box games, which if I can recall correctly... I've never in my life played an x-box. I've seen it played, yes, but never even had my hands on a controller.
Great first time experience, if I do so myself, I didn't do too horrible, but I've always had trouble with all the buttons on the controler. The game systems I've played the most... are/were, Nintendo... and Atari (waaaay back in the day), and Super Nintendo, and I have a N64, but its currently in storage, and haven't played it in years... plus.. I only owned one game... (Donkey Kong Country... which FUCKING ROCKED, btw.. until I defeated it a few months after buying it)... So am I going to enjoy the new PS2 that I bought my daughter for x-mas??? HELL YA.. after i get the games I WANT....
(Gran Turismo 3, and 4, and any/all GTA games..... can't wait-- then I'll never been on the computer... hehhehe-- )
So..yeah... this guy.... cute, sweet, interesting, fun, polite, did I say goodlooking.......??? I even met his parents, well because he's living with them, but.... that was nice too, they seem like really nice people... and their house.... was fucking amazing.. and beautiful, and huge.... Sure.. I've been in a house almost that size before... (but that was my ex's bfs best friends parents....but.. their house.. was.. just as big I believe... but.. they lived like slobs... so I was just like.... a bit offended... because.. of how they treated their property) But just everything about this house was beautiful... including this guys artwork... very amazing... very talented....
Ok.. I'll quit going on.... but.. I'm glad I have a new friend. I hope we get to hang out again... :)
One thing, was though i talked about my life with him, for once, since he dumped me... I didn't think of T., it was nice for a change...
Although... now I'm home.. I think about him of course, cuz.. well.... He left me a message saying he was canceling... (actually did this early), and he called and I missed the call, and I haven't heard a thing from him. I worry, but i know thats senseless..... because I'm sure he's fine... and he's having a good time, and he's not worrried about what I'm doing.... so again.. I know I'm wasting my time... but I'm not going to talk or think about this anymore .... right now...
I never post anything interesting in this blog. Why? I don't think anyone really reads it. Who knows...
I met someone from here last nite, it was actually really nice. I feel a bit crazy going to meet him since I hardly know him, but it was well worth it. Had a great time, talking, and then.... yes..... we played video games... ( i know... i know... a rare occurance, a chick that likes video games) I had an enjoyable time, and got to see some x-box games, which if I can recall correctly... I've never in my life played an x-box. I've seen it played, yes, but never even had my hands on a controller.
Great first time experience, if I do so myself, I didn't do too horrible, but I've always had trouble with all the buttons on the controler. The game systems I've played the most... are/were, Nintendo... and Atari (waaaay back in the day), and Super Nintendo, and I have a N64, but its currently in storage, and haven't played it in years... plus.. I only owned one game... (Donkey Kong Country... which FUCKING ROCKED, btw.. until I defeated it a few months after buying it)... So am I going to enjoy the new PS2 that I bought my daughter for x-mas??? HELL YA.. after i get the games I WANT....
(Gran Turismo 3, and 4, and any/all GTA games..... can't wait-- then I'll never been on the computer... hehhehe-- )
So..yeah... this guy.... cute, sweet, interesting, fun, polite, did I say goodlooking.......??? I even met his parents, well because he's living with them, but.... that was nice too, they seem like really nice people... and their house.... was fucking amazing.. and beautiful, and huge.... Sure.. I've been in a house almost that size before... (but that was my ex's bfs best friends parents....but.. their house.. was.. just as big I believe... but.. they lived like slobs... so I was just like.... a bit offended... because.. of how they treated their property) But just everything about this house was beautiful... including this guys artwork... very amazing... very talented....
Ok.. I'll quit going on.... but.. I'm glad I have a new friend. I hope we get to hang out again... :)
One thing, was though i talked about my life with him, for once, since he dumped me... I didn't think of T., it was nice for a change...
Although... now I'm home.. I think about him of course, cuz.. well.... He left me a message saying he was canceling... (actually did this early), and he called and I missed the call, and I haven't heard a thing from him. I worry, but i know thats senseless..... because I'm sure he's fine... and he's having a good time, and he's not worrried about what I'm doing.... so again.. I know I'm wasting my time... but I'm not going to talk or think about this anymore .... right now...
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Driving 90 on the Freeway....
I started writing a poem, and of course blogger fucked up, and here I am to write it again..
It was a poem about my random suicidal thoughts I get while I'm driving, it sort of went along the rap rhymes from Eminem... but... with my own random thoughts...
Doesn't matter now, I can't think of all the words now,
But.. as I drive home some nites, going 90, or sometimes faster, I wonder... would it look like an accident? would it be an accident, could I die? Would I die?
Almost perfect, dying do something I love, without it looking like a suicide... but then I'm posting these thoughts, so the people that read this would know. ..
Thing is... I think about the insurance policy I have, and I have to get the details.. I've already fucked up my daughters life enough, least I can do.. is make sure she gets some money.. for the hell I put her thru.
Thing is.. I'm not really suicidal.. right now.. just feeling lonely, abandoned and betrayed again. But I allowed things to be this way...
You only get what you tolerate...
I truely believe that... so why do I tolerate people? Why do I allow them in my life, only for them to hurt me....
One day, I will find someone who loves me, and can tolerate my faults, and my bitter sweet honesty.. they will be as open as I am... they will love me for me... and would go thru the bittersweet depths of hell, to make me happy. Just as I would do for them.
It was a poem about my random suicidal thoughts I get while I'm driving, it sort of went along the rap rhymes from Eminem... but... with my own random thoughts...
Doesn't matter now, I can't think of all the words now,
But.. as I drive home some nites, going 90, or sometimes faster, I wonder... would it look like an accident? would it be an accident, could I die? Would I die?
Almost perfect, dying do something I love, without it looking like a suicide... but then I'm posting these thoughts, so the people that read this would know. ..
Thing is... I think about the insurance policy I have, and I have to get the details.. I've already fucked up my daughters life enough, least I can do.. is make sure she gets some money.. for the hell I put her thru.
Thing is.. I'm not really suicidal.. right now.. just feeling lonely, abandoned and betrayed again. But I allowed things to be this way...
You only get what you tolerate...
I truely believe that... so why do I tolerate people? Why do I allow them in my life, only for them to hurt me....
One day, I will find someone who loves me, and can tolerate my faults, and my bitter sweet honesty.. they will be as open as I am... they will love me for me... and would go thru the bittersweet depths of hell, to make me happy. Just as I would do for them.
Friday, December 03, 2004
My "NEW" Black Hair
I keep getting nice commments on it... with the exception of T. He said, he's not sure if he likes it, he'd have to see it person, and some comment also about the pinkness of my face, seems gone, and he liked that.
But... everyone has loved it at work (the ones that recognize me), and A. (he's the cutest sweeteest guy at work, well.. other than M, but... thats besides the point) A., is black... (of course-- something about that turns me on), married and has four kids. The first day of work, I prolly had drool on my chin. Since then, I've gotten to know him a bit more, and was chit chatting with him yesterday... He's like, wow, I really like your hair, it brings out the colour in your eyes (that is the compliment I get most) I just keep thinking.. um.. maybe cuz I am wearing eye makeup now.. but yesterday I toned the makeup down, and didn't look sooooo.. "GlamGoth".. per say. I guess his comment just helped me believe what the others were saying.
He seems like the perfect husband. He works hard.. (our job is NOT easy)... and on his breaks, he usually calls home .. (or I'm asssuming so-- thought it seems he could be a little pussy whipped)... Just seems like a really loving father.
So.. anyway... I tried to catch up with my friends blogs, Truth (who hasn't posted since I read last... in Sept). .. I've been in my own little world, since shorting before that... I don't know how I've got thru the last few months. I found out, that after my own friend moved to Seattle, his gf (that was in OK.) broke up just recently. He seemed ok about it... I think they both knew it was coming... but.. I feel so bad for her. She's such a nice girl, and she loves him very much, that she is heartbroken. I worry, about finding my happiness, and if I will ever really find a man that could truely love me. I want that more than anything. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of dating the wrong guys. I'm tired of men with commitment issues, Im tired of lazy men, or men 20 years older than me.. wanting me to give them a chance. I'm tired of men with girlfriends or wifes, wanting me to go out with them. I'm tired of always being put last. I'm really fucking tired of being alone. Thats not what i want... I want a best friend, a husband, someone that i know without a doubt that loves me.. and if I do have doubts, he puts his arms around me, reassures me, then we could make love and fall asleep in each others arms. This... man.. the man of my dreams, would have to be understanding, because I'm a bitch for one, but also cuz i tend to try and make things more complicated. He must also be able to put up with my mood swings, and my shortcomings... He must also be a good kisser, and be very open sexually.. and when I say this. I don't mean.. and "open" relationship.. I mean. he must be open to new ideas... in bed.. you know.. handcuffs, whips, chains... (lol)...etc... I need someone who has bit of excitemnet and adventure in their life, but also someone family orientated.
I really thought I had found that in T. Although thru my stupidity I should of realized that even though we talked since May, that you can't really figure that out in that short of a time. And as each day passes, I realize that all the thoughts I had on the are becoming less true.. But that is life, and I shall move on..
and triumph over the pain that broken heart has caused me.. and climb the ladder to my true success, despite all the broken rungs.
I think (though my sisters idea), that I went along with the whole "BLACK" hair thing, because it could give me a chance to see on the outside, what I'm feeling lately on the inside... and because... I think I still look cute.... It helps me tremendously in more than one way. I'm not just the cute girl with red hair (because that wasn't natural either), now I'm the cute girl with black hair, that wears too much makeup, but has beautiful eyes...
My eyes, most possibly could be.. the window to my soul.
But... everyone has loved it at work (the ones that recognize me), and A. (he's the cutest sweeteest guy at work, well.. other than M, but... thats besides the point) A., is black... (of course-- something about that turns me on), married and has four kids. The first day of work, I prolly had drool on my chin. Since then, I've gotten to know him a bit more, and was chit chatting with him yesterday... He's like, wow, I really like your hair, it brings out the colour in your eyes (that is the compliment I get most) I just keep thinking.. um.. maybe cuz I am wearing eye makeup now.. but yesterday I toned the makeup down, and didn't look sooooo.. "GlamGoth".. per say. I guess his comment just helped me believe what the others were saying.
He seems like the perfect husband. He works hard.. (our job is NOT easy)... and on his breaks, he usually calls home .. (or I'm asssuming so-- thought it seems he could be a little pussy whipped)... Just seems like a really loving father.
So.. anyway... I tried to catch up with my friends blogs, Truth (who hasn't posted since I read last... in Sept). .. I've been in my own little world, since shorting before that... I don't know how I've got thru the last few months. I found out, that after my own friend moved to Seattle, his gf (that was in OK.) broke up just recently. He seemed ok about it... I think they both knew it was coming... but.. I feel so bad for her. She's such a nice girl, and she loves him very much, that she is heartbroken. I worry, about finding my happiness, and if I will ever really find a man that could truely love me. I want that more than anything. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of dating the wrong guys. I'm tired of men with commitment issues, Im tired of lazy men, or men 20 years older than me.. wanting me to give them a chance. I'm tired of men with girlfriends or wifes, wanting me to go out with them. I'm tired of always being put last. I'm really fucking tired of being alone. Thats not what i want... I want a best friend, a husband, someone that i know without a doubt that loves me.. and if I do have doubts, he puts his arms around me, reassures me, then we could make love and fall asleep in each others arms. This... man.. the man of my dreams, would have to be understanding, because I'm a bitch for one, but also cuz i tend to try and make things more complicated. He must also be able to put up with my mood swings, and my shortcomings... He must also be a good kisser, and be very open sexually.. and when I say this. I don't mean.. and "open" relationship.. I mean. he must be open to new ideas... in bed.. you know.. handcuffs, whips, chains... (lol)...etc... I need someone who has bit of excitemnet and adventure in their life, but also someone family orientated.
I really thought I had found that in T. Although thru my stupidity I should of realized that even though we talked since May, that you can't really figure that out in that short of a time. And as each day passes, I realize that all the thoughts I had on the are becoming less true.. But that is life, and I shall move on..
and triumph over the pain that broken heart has caused me.. and climb the ladder to my true success, despite all the broken rungs.
I think (though my sisters idea), that I went along with the whole "BLACK" hair thing, because it could give me a chance to see on the outside, what I'm feeling lately on the inside... and because... I think I still look cute.... It helps me tremendously in more than one way. I'm not just the cute girl with red hair (because that wasn't natural either), now I'm the cute girl with black hair, that wears too much makeup, but has beautiful eyes...
My eyes, most possibly could be.. the window to my soul.
COMING SOON.... (hopefully tommorrow)
What my "alone" time is to me...
Not.. yet.. too many other things on my mind...
Not.. yet.. too many other things on my mind...
Missing..
I miss my old friends. I miss my "original" chat buddies...
I miss Michel... I miss Truth....
I realized, I miss high school, and I miss my best friend Jenn...
I miss Lisa, though I try to talk to her almost daily (though I didn't talk to her at all last week).... I miss Punky.... (alot-- I cry often, about that loss)
Punky was the first man that I ever fell in love with that I trusted, he was my best friend... my very best friend. He was always there for me, never asked for anything in return, and always loved my ego boosts. I knew he loved me, I never questioned that... and never will, because.. his actions always spoke louder than words.
I think that is one of my major problems... with relationships. All I hear is words, and no follow thru. I expect.. (and i know i expect too much 99.999% of the time) that if the man loves me... A. he'd find time for me. B. he'd share his life/joys & sorrows with me.... (everything) C. He'd love me unconditionally..
I know not everyone is like me, and I should quit being a hardass, but I don't feel like I should have to settle in life. I know the things I want... and I won't have it any other way. Maybe this means I'll be single my whole life, but I guess thats tough shit... ya know?
I want to be loved, I want to be held, I want to share my life with someone. Just a few months ago, I thought I found that someone... part of me still feels like he could be... but unfortunately, I think that he doesn't feel the same way. Thing is he's so fucking amazing.. and even though it hurts so much, I know that meeting him, has helped my life tremendously.....
Since I met him, I feel less alone, and have started to learn to love myself again... I gained enough confidence after my suicide attempt, to score a job in less than a month..... even feeling so depressed, he encouraged me, and I start to feel good inside again. I felt loved... I felt needed, I felt wanted..... I not only made it thru all the testing for the job.. I got thru the interview.... and thru training. .and as of the 20th of November, I'm thru my "probation" period. I think I'll finally feel settled when I get a name sign, even though I have a new home at work. A new supervisor..who.. (is new at supervising himself), but he seems cool, and I got to chit-chat with him today... We have our first team meeting tommorrow... I'm feeling more confident, for the most part about my job.. ( I had a few weeks, where i'd cry all day.. and stuff... ) Third shift.. is nice... (its 2:25-11:05pm-with my company) but I'm missing all the people I usually chat with online....
Feeling lonely tonite... missing T... alot.. mostly cuz I was really hoping to see him this weekend, but he said.. he couldn't come. I didn't quite understand his reason why... but I'm sure he'll tell me... when I get a chance to talk to him. I was really hoping he'd come.. I am very amazed.. that he told me last nite.. that he couldn't come, I usually don't find out till Friday.. and then that upsets me.. cuz i hate anything last minute. I want to find a sitter, so I can get out..... not sure with who or what.... but... I also want to go see Punky.
I'm trying to figure out.. what day i want to take my vacation day.. (or call in sick day)...
I was hoping to spend time with T. over the holidays, but his idea of holidays and mine seem to be different.. (though he said he was free on New Years.. )... He seems to like spending time alone... when.. I'd rather be with the one that I loved... (him)...
but thats just me....
I miss Michel... I miss Truth....
I realized, I miss high school, and I miss my best friend Jenn...
I miss Lisa, though I try to talk to her almost daily (though I didn't talk to her at all last week).... I miss Punky.... (alot-- I cry often, about that loss)
Punky was the first man that I ever fell in love with that I trusted, he was my best friend... my very best friend. He was always there for me, never asked for anything in return, and always loved my ego boosts. I knew he loved me, I never questioned that... and never will, because.. his actions always spoke louder than words.
I think that is one of my major problems... with relationships. All I hear is words, and no follow thru. I expect.. (and i know i expect too much 99.999% of the time) that if the man loves me... A. he'd find time for me. B. he'd share his life/joys & sorrows with me.... (everything) C. He'd love me unconditionally..
I know not everyone is like me, and I should quit being a hardass, but I don't feel like I should have to settle in life. I know the things I want... and I won't have it any other way. Maybe this means I'll be single my whole life, but I guess thats tough shit... ya know?
I want to be loved, I want to be held, I want to share my life with someone. Just a few months ago, I thought I found that someone... part of me still feels like he could be... but unfortunately, I think that he doesn't feel the same way. Thing is he's so fucking amazing.. and even though it hurts so much, I know that meeting him, has helped my life tremendously.....
Since I met him, I feel less alone, and have started to learn to love myself again... I gained enough confidence after my suicide attempt, to score a job in less than a month..... even feeling so depressed, he encouraged me, and I start to feel good inside again. I felt loved... I felt needed, I felt wanted..... I not only made it thru all the testing for the job.. I got thru the interview.... and thru training. .and as of the 20th of November, I'm thru my "probation" period. I think I'll finally feel settled when I get a name sign, even though I have a new home at work. A new supervisor..who.. (is new at supervising himself), but he seems cool, and I got to chit-chat with him today... We have our first team meeting tommorrow... I'm feeling more confident, for the most part about my job.. ( I had a few weeks, where i'd cry all day.. and stuff... ) Third shift.. is nice... (its 2:25-11:05pm-with my company) but I'm missing all the people I usually chat with online....
Feeling lonely tonite... missing T... alot.. mostly cuz I was really hoping to see him this weekend, but he said.. he couldn't come. I didn't quite understand his reason why... but I'm sure he'll tell me... when I get a chance to talk to him. I was really hoping he'd come.. I am very amazed.. that he told me last nite.. that he couldn't come, I usually don't find out till Friday.. and then that upsets me.. cuz i hate anything last minute. I want to find a sitter, so I can get out..... not sure with who or what.... but... I also want to go see Punky.
I'm trying to figure out.. what day i want to take my vacation day.. (or call in sick day)...
I was hoping to spend time with T. over the holidays, but his idea of holidays and mine seem to be different.. (though he said he was free on New Years.. )... He seems to like spending time alone... when.. I'd rather be with the one that I loved... (him)...
but thats just me....
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Wasn't going to post..
But..
Feeling emotional.. So here I am.
My emotional outlet, my release from the pain.
Talked to T. tonite.. just a day ago, I thought I never wanted to talk to him again. I was so mad, so angry, and I realized so much about myself in only a day.
Which got me to thinking.. then he posted, what he posted the other day and I thought more about the whole situation, and how much.. it would never work out.. and I couldn't deal with it even if it could. I know that makes no sense whatsoever.... but... thats my life.
I wonder.. if he expects that I'll change. I am changing, day by day.. hour by hour... week by week... I've changed alot just since I've met him...
Since I'm moving to my job's third shift.. 2:25pm-11:05pm, I'll be able to go to the dr and such in the daytime.. and I'll be able to start therapy. I'm nervous, but I know this is what I need. I feel better about things already, despite the fact that I'm a bit sick right now. I keep losing my voice, and have had swallen tonsils. (Will call Dr. Tommorrow...-- cuz my tailbone still hurts too)...
The thing.. I can't figure out, is.. why T. . says things to me .. like this.. when I said to him, "I don't know how to get over you." He says "then dont get over me,seems like a simple solution", I question him again on it.. later in the evening. and he says.. "you should at least keep me in mind until we can do the gf/bf thing correctly"
I don't get it.. I can't figure anything out about him. He loves me but not romantically, because of my supposed stalking, which when I questioned him on that... he said.. "ur the one who said that", which I mite, have.. and if I did, I don't remember, but I'm sure I said it jokingly.. but anyway...
I wonder if he's just leading me on. ( I guess that doesn't matter, because even if he wasn't.. then I'd still want him... but.. it would be easier to get over. if he just didn't like me anymore). I wonder if he knows he has issues too, and that until he figures out his life.. (like why he's 36, and never been in a super serious relationship-- or why he met me.. and didn't run like crazy.. -- or like why he told me he wanted to marry me... repeatedly).. he shouldn't tell me I have to fix mine. That and the fact that noone gives me credit for what I do do, only for what I don't do. I already feel bad about everything in my life, I don't need an additional guilt trip.
I wonder what it is.. he really wants... or what he thinks he wants. I wonder why he reads my blog, and why he writes what he does. I feel like I learn more from his blogs, than.. what he tells me on the phone or online and such.
And... I wonder why... he still thinks he told me where he lived. I did ask, repeatedly... and the answer i got was.. (whatever the name of his town is.. --not Baltimore, but he replied that once or twice),and I'd say.. yeah.. but WHERE DO YOU LIVE? and .. I never got a response. I guess that was my cue, to say,, "HELLO!! TONY!!!!WHAT THE FUCK IS UR ADDRESS?" because the day.. I finally did get his address.. (right before he dumped me), it was like pulling teeth to get it.. and it bugs me more, that he couldn't see how upset I was that I felt like he just wouldn't tell me.
The thing is, I don't see why we can't try and work things out right now. I guess that is what bugs me the worse about this whole situation. I feel like, even if he wanted me down the road for whatever reason... that I don't know if I could trust that he could make a true commitment to me.
He mentioned something.. about freedom from guilt.... ( so I'm thinking, my actions, make him feel guilty about something) but I don't understand, why? or what? or whatever?? I questioned him, and he changed the subject.....
But whats new... he says.. he'd still like to get together sometime soon, but.. of course, no firm plans, but I should be used to that. He did say he was free on New Years, but.. I felt like he'd enjoy his time better alone. Though, it would be nice to spend New Years... with someone I loved, for once. Though I'm not sure what I have to celebrate.
Feeling emotional.. So here I am.
My emotional outlet, my release from the pain.
Talked to T. tonite.. just a day ago, I thought I never wanted to talk to him again. I was so mad, so angry, and I realized so much about myself in only a day.
Which got me to thinking.. then he posted, what he posted the other day and I thought more about the whole situation, and how much.. it would never work out.. and I couldn't deal with it even if it could. I know that makes no sense whatsoever.... but... thats my life.
I wonder.. if he expects that I'll change. I am changing, day by day.. hour by hour... week by week... I've changed alot just since I've met him...
Since I'm moving to my job's third shift.. 2:25pm-11:05pm, I'll be able to go to the dr and such in the daytime.. and I'll be able to start therapy. I'm nervous, but I know this is what I need. I feel better about things already, despite the fact that I'm a bit sick right now. I keep losing my voice, and have had swallen tonsils. (Will call Dr. Tommorrow...-- cuz my tailbone still hurts too)...
The thing.. I can't figure out, is.. why T. . says things to me .. like this.. when I said to him, "I don't know how to get over you." He says "then dont get over me,seems like a simple solution", I question him again on it.. later in the evening. and he says.. "you should at least keep me in mind until we can do the gf/bf thing correctly"
I don't get it.. I can't figure anything out about him. He loves me but not romantically, because of my supposed stalking, which when I questioned him on that... he said.. "ur the one who said that", which I mite, have.. and if I did, I don't remember, but I'm sure I said it jokingly.. but anyway...
I wonder if he's just leading me on. ( I guess that doesn't matter, because even if he wasn't.. then I'd still want him... but.. it would be easier to get over. if he just didn't like me anymore). I wonder if he knows he has issues too, and that until he figures out his life.. (like why he's 36, and never been in a super serious relationship-- or why he met me.. and didn't run like crazy.. -- or like why he told me he wanted to marry me... repeatedly).. he shouldn't tell me I have to fix mine. That and the fact that noone gives me credit for what I do do, only for what I don't do. I already feel bad about everything in my life, I don't need an additional guilt trip.
I wonder what it is.. he really wants... or what he thinks he wants. I wonder why he reads my blog, and why he writes what he does. I feel like I learn more from his blogs, than.. what he tells me on the phone or online and such.
And... I wonder why... he still thinks he told me where he lived. I did ask, repeatedly... and the answer i got was.. (whatever the name of his town is.. --not Baltimore, but he replied that once or twice),and I'd say.. yeah.. but WHERE DO YOU LIVE? and .. I never got a response. I guess that was my cue, to say,, "HELLO!! TONY!!!!WHAT THE FUCK IS UR ADDRESS?" because the day.. I finally did get his address.. (right before he dumped me), it was like pulling teeth to get it.. and it bugs me more, that he couldn't see how upset I was that I felt like he just wouldn't tell me.
The thing is, I don't see why we can't try and work things out right now. I guess that is what bugs me the worse about this whole situation. I feel like, even if he wanted me down the road for whatever reason... that I don't know if I could trust that he could make a true commitment to me.
He mentioned something.. about freedom from guilt.... ( so I'm thinking, my actions, make him feel guilty about something) but I don't understand, why? or what? or whatever?? I questioned him, and he changed the subject.....
But whats new... he says.. he'd still like to get together sometime soon, but.. of course, no firm plans, but I should be used to that. He did say he was free on New Years, but.. I felt like he'd enjoy his time better alone. Though, it would be nice to spend New Years... with someone I loved, for once. Though I'm not sure what I have to celebrate.
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