Things seem to be ok. Work is ok. Home is ok, but I just got paid, so there in lies a problem. I'm not worrying about that yet. I'll wait till after I call the bank here in a few minutes... lol
I just feel really lucky to have met Chris. He's brought alot into my life, in the short time I've known him. We've been dating almost a month, talking on the phone about 5-6 weeks, and I believe we starting chatting in March. He doesn't put up with my shit. He doesn't let me get away with my saying "I don't want to talk about it!"
He told me last nite, that he'd hang up on me if I didn't talk about it. I didn't want to feel that.
I get real nervous, about things, my anxiety is so high. The meds so far haven't helped much.
I gotta get back to work.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
I'm LUCKY
I honestly do feel lucky. I have a really great boyfriend, and he doesn't give himself credit for alot of it. I don't know yet, if he's trying to be modest, or whether he doesn't believe in himself.
Regardless, he's the best boyfriend I've had. Respectful, loving, understanding, committed, reassuring, gentle, and a million plus one other things... I could list all day. He's the one thing, besides my daughter & my blankie, that actually comforts me. His sweet voice, picturing his smile on the other side of the phone. Hearing him laugh. It brings joy to my world. He's always there to listen to me, whether I'm bitching, complaining, hurting, or even happy or joyful.
He means the world to me. I honestly don't think I'm too attached. I wonder if he wonders how I feel, because I joke about marriage. Thing is, he knows that is where I want this to go at some point, and I'm pretty sure that is what he's hoping for. Only time will tell. I honestly believe communication is the key. Its something, I really am trying at, but I really have alot to work on.
I hope he can stick with me thru this rough time, because I know things will get better.
I love him. With all my heart. He truely is the best.
Regardless, he's the best boyfriend I've had. Respectful, loving, understanding, committed, reassuring, gentle, and a million plus one other things... I could list all day. He's the one thing, besides my daughter & my blankie, that actually comforts me. His sweet voice, picturing his smile on the other side of the phone. Hearing him laugh. It brings joy to my world. He's always there to listen to me, whether I'm bitching, complaining, hurting, or even happy or joyful.
He means the world to me. I honestly don't think I'm too attached. I wonder if he wonders how I feel, because I joke about marriage. Thing is, he knows that is where I want this to go at some point, and I'm pretty sure that is what he's hoping for. Only time will tell. I honestly believe communication is the key. Its something, I really am trying at, but I really have alot to work on.
I hope he can stick with me thru this rough time, because I know things will get better.
I love him. With all my heart. He truely is the best.
**FROM MYSPACE**
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
8:17AM
One Last Time
Current mood: optimistic
Its come to my attention, that people read my blog, and take me the wrong way.
I've been called a pyscho more than once. This isn't a label that I'm willing to live with.
Yes, I have borderling personality disorder, I'm bipolar, I have abandonment issues & and am insecure at times.
My blog is my venting place. I started using MySpace as my blog because I'm here so often.
No longer will this be. My friends, the ones that know me, and won't judge me are the only ones that need to read my blog, noone else.
So if you think you are close enough to me, that you think you should be able to read about my life, ask me.
I started my orginal blog, because I wanted to write a book about my life. That is still my intentions. But, I will be working on my poetry first.
So, as for really personally stuff, it won't be posted here any longer. But don't get me wrong I will still post things here, just not my rantings, and thoughts about how to deal with my own life.
Its not something I like people to have the wrong impression about me.
I'm a nice girl. I'm intelligent, and I want people to see that first, before they see all my problems.
Its just my problems are whats up front in my life. I've been working really hard to get the demons out, so I can move on, and have a happy life. This is something I will do, just my emotions get the best of me. Right now, I'm just happy to have friends, to support me. The best one at this point, is my boyfriend. He's very supportive and loving, and despite, my jealousy, he's sweet and kind to me, and understands that I'm going thru alot. He's helped me stay strong this last month. He's been a stable source of support.
------------------------------------------------------------
COMMENTS
I'm sorry that people are judging you by your posts. Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest and posting here seems to be a good place if it weren't for the assholes who want to judge you.
Posted by Steve on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 10:48AM
----------------------------------------------------------
Jae Ann
Its not just that, and its ok. Everyone will judge at times. I've discussed this with a few close friends, and they as well said, that some of the things I write about are off the wall, but they know me, and know how I am in real life & how much my blog helps me.
I wouldn't exactly call them assholes, because I realize I judge people at times, although I try not to. I just realized if I want my thoughts to stay a bit private, that I can do that, and that MySpace doesn't have to be my outlet.
I've been blogging for years, this past year, is probably had the most views, because I don't use my regular site to post.
My blog will still exist just not here.
Posted by Jae Ann on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 8:26 PM
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
Clarification
Current mood: content
Category: Blogging
8:14AM
The last post was actually correct. I don't "HATE" any of those things. They are just things I don't like. I don't really "HATE" anything. HATE is a strong word, and there is not much I can honestly say I hate.
One thing I can say, honestly is that I hate ignorance and prejustice.
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
Things I hate.... to be continued...
Current mood: cranky
5:18PM
I hate....
When I see comments where my boyfriend refers to another girl as sexy.
That he never comments on my blog, on the phone or here.
That he thinks I should be scared and run away...
That he always looks at sexy skinny women on the net...
That he always tells me I'm not fat, and always complains about his beer belly.
That I never get to see him.
That I wish I could.
That I always want him.
That I really don't know that much about him.
I hate that I'm so jealous.
I hate that I'm so needy.
I hate that I'm always trying to put people away.
I hate that I get attached really easily.
I hate the way I feel about a conversation me and Chris had last nite.
I hate people that won't shut up about me.
I hate co-workers that complain.
I hate people that are secretive and/or uncaring.
I hate my daughter's father.
I hate having to be responsible.
I hate doctors.
I hate sweet pickles.
I hate this messy house.
I hate that my skin is burnt, and my wrist hurts.
I hate stupid people.
I hate cocky people.
I hate when people put stupid bumper stickers all over their cars.
I hate people who don't know how to drive.
I hate people that lie to me.
I hate people that lie to themselves.
I hate being tired.
I hate feeling irritated and grumpy.
I hate PMS, & periods.
I hate birth control pills.
I hate condoms.
I hate medications.
I hate insurance companies.
I hate Verizon.
I hate Wal-mart.
---------------------------------------------------
COMMENTS
I never comment on your blogs because we talk about them before I usually read them. I don't know why you get so mad about me telling someone they look nice when they change their hair. I don't know why you get so upset and jealous sometimes. You're the only woman in my life. You need to see that. I want you, no one else. But I do have friends and that's all they are. I love you.
Posted by Chris on Monday, May 29, 2006 at 9:18 PM
8:17AM
One Last Time
Current mood: optimistic
Its come to my attention, that people read my blog, and take me the wrong way.
I've been called a pyscho more than once. This isn't a label that I'm willing to live with.
Yes, I have borderling personality disorder, I'm bipolar, I have abandonment issues & and am insecure at times.
My blog is my venting place. I started using MySpace as my blog because I'm here so often.
No longer will this be. My friends, the ones that know me, and won't judge me are the only ones that need to read my blog, noone else.
So if you think you are close enough to me, that you think you should be able to read about my life, ask me.
I started my orginal blog, because I wanted to write a book about my life. That is still my intentions. But, I will be working on my poetry first.
So, as for really personally stuff, it won't be posted here any longer. But don't get me wrong I will still post things here, just not my rantings, and thoughts about how to deal with my own life.
Its not something I like people to have the wrong impression about me.
I'm a nice girl. I'm intelligent, and I want people to see that first, before they see all my problems.
Its just my problems are whats up front in my life. I've been working really hard to get the demons out, so I can move on, and have a happy life. This is something I will do, just my emotions get the best of me. Right now, I'm just happy to have friends, to support me. The best one at this point, is my boyfriend. He's very supportive and loving, and despite, my jealousy, he's sweet and kind to me, and understands that I'm going thru alot. He's helped me stay strong this last month. He's been a stable source of support.
------------------------------------------------------------
COMMENTS
I'm sorry that people are judging you by your posts. Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest and posting here seems to be a good place if it weren't for the assholes who want to judge you.
Posted by Steve on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 10:48AM
----------------------------------------------------------
Jae Ann
Its not just that, and its ok. Everyone will judge at times. I've discussed this with a few close friends, and they as well said, that some of the things I write about are off the wall, but they know me, and know how I am in real life & how much my blog helps me.
I wouldn't exactly call them assholes, because I realize I judge people at times, although I try not to. I just realized if I want my thoughts to stay a bit private, that I can do that, and that MySpace doesn't have to be my outlet.
I've been blogging for years, this past year, is probably had the most views, because I don't use my regular site to post.
My blog will still exist just not here.
Posted by Jae Ann on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 8:26 PM
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
Clarification
Current mood: content
Category: Blogging
8:14AM
The last post was actually correct. I don't "HATE" any of those things. They are just things I don't like. I don't really "HATE" anything. HATE is a strong word, and there is not much I can honestly say I hate.
One thing I can say, honestly is that I hate ignorance and prejustice.
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
Things I hate.... to be continued...
Current mood: cranky
5:18PM
I hate....
When I see comments where my boyfriend refers to another girl as sexy.
That he never comments on my blog, on the phone or here.
That he thinks I should be scared and run away...
That he always looks at sexy skinny women on the net...
That he always tells me I'm not fat, and always complains about his beer belly.
That I never get to see him.
That I wish I could.
That I always want him.
That I really don't know that much about him.
I hate that I'm so jealous.
I hate that I'm so needy.
I hate that I'm always trying to put people away.
I hate that I get attached really easily.
I hate the way I feel about a conversation me and Chris had last nite.
I hate people that won't shut up about me.
I hate co-workers that complain.
I hate people that are secretive and/or uncaring.
I hate my daughter's father.
I hate having to be responsible.
I hate doctors.
I hate sweet pickles.
I hate this messy house.
I hate that my skin is burnt, and my wrist hurts.
I hate stupid people.
I hate cocky people.
I hate when people put stupid bumper stickers all over their cars.
I hate people who don't know how to drive.
I hate people that lie to me.
I hate people that lie to themselves.
I hate being tired.
I hate feeling irritated and grumpy.
I hate PMS, & periods.
I hate birth control pills.
I hate condoms.
I hate medications.
I hate insurance companies.
I hate Verizon.
I hate Wal-mart.
---------------------------------------------------
COMMENTS
I never comment on your blogs because we talk about them before I usually read them. I don't know why you get so mad about me telling someone they look nice when they change their hair. I don't know why you get so upset and jealous sometimes. You're the only woman in my life. You need to see that. I want you, no one else. But I do have friends and that's all they are. I love you.
Posted by Chris on Monday, May 29, 2006 at 9:18 PM
I'm Back
It came to my attention, that MySpace isn't the place for my blogging. So everything important will be moved back here. So if the posts seem out of wack, that is why.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Gosh...
I wanted to say God, but I use that word.. .way too much.
I never seem to blog here anymore.
I've been busy. I use myspace more, than I come here.
I'm a myspace addict
I met a new man. He seems great, cute, funny... u know, all that. I've been thru so much man drama lately, though. I hate it. We both seem to want the same things, only we are in no rush. If it is meant to be, it will be, and if I know he truely wants to be with me, I'll be fine with it.
I have so many trust issues though. Before we started dating, I logged into his account, on myspace so that I could do his page for him. ( it looks nice too, btw)... and I wrote the password down. I snooped and checked his email. I've done it a million times since. I wonder if he notices, he's not stupid, so he should. But, he never says anything. He says, if I feel guilty, then I should just stop doing it. I don't feel guilty anymore. I still wonder if it bothers him. I feel like even if I did something that bothered him, he wouldn't tell me.
He's so in love with me. I'm starting to fall for him, but this is so different for me. I'm scared. I'm tired of games, and stuff.
I mostly am nosy, cuz this girl, who, was on one of my ex's page, well i clicked on her page, and i saw CM. CM, has this big beautiful smile, it caught my eye, and so I emailed him. We started chatting and became friends.
Then I started dating, JW.. who lived in Florida, so it wasn't really a real relationship, but we really clicked, and I still care for him alot. He kept saying he wanted the same things as me, but it became obvious he wasn't ready, when he couldn't make plans to meet me. I wanted to meet as soon as we were able. He was ok with waiting till September. I want a real relationship. I want someone to touch.... And he was ok with us being long distance. This didn't fly with me.
So, somehow after me and JW decided to take a break, CM & I started talking on the phone. It was great, fun, enjoyable. We talked about meeting. I so wanted to just go down there the whole weekend, and spend time with him, but he was busy. That and I had a dinner plan with my aunt. Well I asked him, if I came down could I see him for a bit. He, I think, changed his plans to spend time with me. We were together like about 5 hours. Kissing, cuddling, holding each other, and talking. It was great. He was such a gentleman. I loved it.
So, I do have plans for the future. I hope CM and I stay together, and things work out, not being able to spend time together sucks, especially since he seems to work alot on the weekends.
Oh, about my plans, I hope by the end of the year I have a college picked out, and plans to move, I'm thinking I want to start back in the Spring, but I'm thinking of delaying it till next fall. Depends. I hate moving my daughter in the middle of the year. We will see. I need to get out on my own.
On another note. Grrrr.. Lisa was so right about Sprint. Second time in one month that i got my phone shut off. Pisses me off. I apparently talked to my bf, for 7 minutes too long, and it added five dollars for my 50 minutees, and well, that put me over my account spending limit of 125. Next month won't be so bad, but I have all those fees on there. This drives me crazy. Right now, I'm waiting for the payment to go thru.
I'm no so stressed today. I got some sleep last nite. About 2 hours before my bf came home, then we talked for a while and i got like 3 or 4 more. I need to start going to bed earlier. I don't want to give up our time.. though. I need to start limiting it though, because I'll become sleep deprived if I don't. I don't need any other stress in my life.
My friend D. got hired here. I'm excited for him, and for the bonus I'll get. He starts out at 26,000, plus shift dif, and commission. He will be working on the Car Insurance side. I wish I could refer all my friends. Most people I know, live a bit away, and don't want to drive. This is the first company, I've worked for that paid me what I feel like I'm worth for the skills that I have. One of his so called friends though, stated that I was using him, because I wanted him to get hired, so i could get the bonus. Sure thats great, but if I didn't like this company, I wouldn't refer him. Just in my dept, well, Its stressful because of the customer base that we work with. Its too emotional for me.
Well, I got to go enjoy my lunch, see if my phone works, etc.
Hopefully I will start writing here more, it diffinately helps my mood, and helps me destress. So much has been going on lately, its not funny. I'd write a whole nother book, just talking about the past two weeks of my life.
2 Weeks in the Life of Jae Ann.........
lmao
I never seem to blog here anymore.
I've been busy. I use myspace more, than I come here.
I'm a myspace addict
I met a new man. He seems great, cute, funny... u know, all that. I've been thru so much man drama lately, though. I hate it. We both seem to want the same things, only we are in no rush. If it is meant to be, it will be, and if I know he truely wants to be with me, I'll be fine with it.
I have so many trust issues though. Before we started dating, I logged into his account, on myspace so that I could do his page for him. ( it looks nice too, btw)... and I wrote the password down. I snooped and checked his email. I've done it a million times since. I wonder if he notices, he's not stupid, so he should. But, he never says anything. He says, if I feel guilty, then I should just stop doing it. I don't feel guilty anymore. I still wonder if it bothers him. I feel like even if I did something that bothered him, he wouldn't tell me.
He's so in love with me. I'm starting to fall for him, but this is so different for me. I'm scared. I'm tired of games, and stuff.
I mostly am nosy, cuz this girl, who, was on one of my ex's page, well i clicked on her page, and i saw CM. CM, has this big beautiful smile, it caught my eye, and so I emailed him. We started chatting and became friends.
Then I started dating, JW.. who lived in Florida, so it wasn't really a real relationship, but we really clicked, and I still care for him alot. He kept saying he wanted the same things as me, but it became obvious he wasn't ready, when he couldn't make plans to meet me. I wanted to meet as soon as we were able. He was ok with waiting till September. I want a real relationship. I want someone to touch.... And he was ok with us being long distance. This didn't fly with me.
So, somehow after me and JW decided to take a break, CM & I started talking on the phone. It was great, fun, enjoyable. We talked about meeting. I so wanted to just go down there the whole weekend, and spend time with him, but he was busy. That and I had a dinner plan with my aunt. Well I asked him, if I came down could I see him for a bit. He, I think, changed his plans to spend time with me. We were together like about 5 hours. Kissing, cuddling, holding each other, and talking. It was great. He was such a gentleman. I loved it.
So, I do have plans for the future. I hope CM and I stay together, and things work out, not being able to spend time together sucks, especially since he seems to work alot on the weekends.
Oh, about my plans, I hope by the end of the year I have a college picked out, and plans to move, I'm thinking I want to start back in the Spring, but I'm thinking of delaying it till next fall. Depends. I hate moving my daughter in the middle of the year. We will see. I need to get out on my own.
On another note. Grrrr.. Lisa was so right about Sprint. Second time in one month that i got my phone shut off. Pisses me off. I apparently talked to my bf, for 7 minutes too long, and it added five dollars for my 50 minutees, and well, that put me over my account spending limit of 125. Next month won't be so bad, but I have all those fees on there. This drives me crazy. Right now, I'm waiting for the payment to go thru.
I'm no so stressed today. I got some sleep last nite. About 2 hours before my bf came home, then we talked for a while and i got like 3 or 4 more. I need to start going to bed earlier. I don't want to give up our time.. though. I need to start limiting it though, because I'll become sleep deprived if I don't. I don't need any other stress in my life.
My friend D. got hired here. I'm excited for him, and for the bonus I'll get. He starts out at 26,000, plus shift dif, and commission. He will be working on the Car Insurance side. I wish I could refer all my friends. Most people I know, live a bit away, and don't want to drive. This is the first company, I've worked for that paid me what I feel like I'm worth for the skills that I have. One of his so called friends though, stated that I was using him, because I wanted him to get hired, so i could get the bonus. Sure thats great, but if I didn't like this company, I wouldn't refer him. Just in my dept, well, Its stressful because of the customer base that we work with. Its too emotional for me.
Well, I got to go enjoy my lunch, see if my phone works, etc.
Hopefully I will start writing here more, it diffinately helps my mood, and helps me destress. So much has been going on lately, its not funny. I'd write a whole nother book, just talking about the past two weeks of my life.
2 Weeks in the Life of Jae Ann.........
lmao
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