Observations... Realizations..

When speaking in therapy today, most of the conversation was regarding CG, not so much my relationship with him, other than the fighting, but about how I feel he's not doing what is best for himself. I idealized him in a way, because he overcame a huge obstacle in his life. His drug addiction. I was so proud of him, and how I'd realized he'd grown in that last years. Meeting him, was like so strange, when I realized his past. Seeing him now, its hard for me to look at that part of him.

So one of the reasons I feel so angry about this whole this, is that I feel that she could destroy his life. I feel she would hinder his growth. I feel like she may hold him back, and I wonder if he feels about me, the way I feel about their relationship. I feel like he thinks he'll hold me back, he thinks he'll hinder my growth, and development, of my dreams and goals for the future. He deserves something good in his life. He deserves the best. He's a wonderful man that I love, and he deserves something better.

This is only my opinion, and as you and everyone else knows, everyone has an opinion, and not everyones will agree. I just feel like he's in denial about the greatness of their relationship, and the happiness of her future with him. I only wish for him the best, and at this point, its not about us being together.

Hurting...

I wish my heart could forget about him. I hurt so bad. We had another arguement about his relationship with her. I hung up on him, twice. The first time I guess he didn't realize... but it doesn't matter at this point.

The last thing I said to him is that they deserve each other. I feel this may be true. I don't know that he knows what to do when he's met someone who cares about his feelings. Someone who wants him to be happy. He says he doesn't deserve to be happy. I don't believe that to be true.

I was angry last nite, because I asked him if it was ok that he continue to cheat on his gf. (he's been seeing me... - and she's in jail) He said.. he's not going to anymore. That pissed me off royally, because he never really discussed that with me. But why would he? I'm just a good fuck, someone to distract him from his problems, someone to occupy his mind, while he waits the next ten months for his gf to get out of jail. (yah only ten months now)

Part of me hates him. A bigger part loves him. I know, I ask for hurt and punishment. But I'm really fucked off about that call I got last week from him, saying that he wants me.. etc. I can't get over it. I can't stop thinking about it. He has this obligation to her, because he promised her that he'd never leave her. And he says their relationship was so damn great, because, he saw her sober.. From what he tells me,that wasn't ever day, because after that, she'd get sick and go back to him to get a fix. ( the guy that abused her and gave her drugs) He says.. (CG) "what was she supposed to do?" Well yeah, maybe I don't understand completely because I never allowed myself to be an addict, but they were still her choices. Each time.. she chose to do that, even though she had him as a support & that he would take care of her. He says she left because he went to jail. He was out within a day... and she didn't even stick around. CG says.. well what reason did she have to stick around, she thought I'd be in their for a while, because of my record. And my family would of never tolerated her sickness, and she would of got sick within the day. So she chose to go back to the guy that abused her.

Yeah sounds to me.. CG and her had a great fucking relationship.

Of course, that is my sarcasm coming thru. How can it be much of a relationship if they spent a day or two together, each time before she went back to him, (the guy who abused her, and raped her, and gave her drugs). How much did that hurt him, each time she did that? He says.. " I saw her sober" Fuck if she was sober, that shit was still in her veins... He says.. oh well now she's clean, (duh, she still had to go thru the same pain, though not of her choice)... I don't care how hard the choice was before, she still could of made it. I feel like he's just making excuses for her. I'm not saying that any of the choices would of been easy. THe life changing choices are always hard. The choices that make life better are always hard. The choices that make a difference are the most difficult ones..

All I want is for him to be happy. I hope, I truely do.. that she makes him happy. THat she stays clean and sober, and they have a chance to build something special. I just don't feel very hopeful about that. I know he loves her, but I don't understand his obligation to feel like he has to date her. I don't understand how he could basically cheat on me, and tell her they were together, when he sits there and tells me he loves me. This from someone who supposedly never cheated before.

He told me once that his one gf that he was engaged to.. if she came back to him, he'd get back with her in a second. That hurt me, because I wondered, and still do, if she came back to him right now, what would he choose?

I wish he knew he deserved happiness.

I know this is for the best. I know I need something better in my life. Someone who can give me the loyalty I deserve. Someone who knows how special I am, and how much I can bring into their life. I want to be with someone who treats me like a princess, and wants to be my prince. I want someone to love me.

Holding Back

One whole day... I didn't talk to him. I really didn't think he'd answer when I called. I was trying to block my number but it wouldn't work on my cell phone. So I just called. He answered, he was at work, and he still answered. We talked for about 15 minutes, and he was sweet and confused as usual. He said he wanted to give me time. I wonder how long he would of waited if I didn't call. He's confused, he misses me, said he didn't want to ask, but that he wanted to see me. I want to see him as well. I wish that we could spend all the days of my vacation together next weekend. He says, he's not sure what plans he has with the kids and their mom on Monday.. I'm glad he finally told me that though.

I'm a little upset, because I want to see him. I'm more stressed because he wants to see me. He wants me to come down, although part of him is saying.. that I shouldn't. the longer this goes on, he says, the more its going to hurt, the more he's going to become attached. Part of me wishes he would. When he realizes how good I could be for him, that I'm the one he chooses. I know its wrong... but its still how I feel.

I want him to love me, to cherish me. I want to be his queen. I want us to help each other. I want to share myself with him. I want a family. I want love. I want hope.

I've so stressed I'm feeling sick today. Eating waaay more than I should. I am so sad at this moment, though things aren't going bad. I miss him.

Endings

Endings are like beginnings.. they don't really end. Things are over for now. I couldn't let go, so he did, because I said something to him about it. Yes I am angry.. and was angry, and I let him know. I went off on him.

HOW.. can anyone in their right mind, choose a drug addict and criminal over me? How could he want that for himself and his family? How could he not be loyal to me. How could he fuck with me like that. Because he's a recovering addict himself, because he's a criminal.. or has criminal charges. He knows what its like to be in her position, he knows what its like to not have anyone there.

The thing that fucks me off most is his phone call, one week ago today, at 3:30am... Saying to me.. that he loves me, and he does know what he wants, and that is me, because he loves how he feels with me, BUT, he can't have what he wants right now. HOW THE fuck could he say or do that to me? How.. and why? What good that do me.. except to give me hope, only to be crushed.

I can't do anything for him, he's been depressed lately, and I'm so helpless. I've been depressed lately.. and he's helpless. I asked him, if he knew what was best for me, and that was to walk out.. why didn't he? He said he would miss me, and he couldn't decide which was worse.. missing me, or the way I'm hurting now, because he can't give me what I want/need.

The thing is, despite the fact that I feel he mite of held me back, or mite of changed my goals in life, doesn't make it hurt any less, or make things easier. I was loyal and commited to a relationship with him.. and he couldn't even introduce me to his kids. He's going to wait for 13 more months for his heroine addict girlfriend, who.. isn't such a great influence.. so he can help her. I know when you help someone you shouldn't want/need anything in return. But in a relationship when the one person is giving their all, and the other person has nothing to give.. its not really a relationship. Thats how I feel about him and her. He's going to spend money on her... get her letters and calls, and pay for them as well.. only to be alone, and hurting for the next 13 months. I know how much he hates being alone, and dread his sadness. The only thing I want for him is happiness. And I know how happy he looks and seems to feel when we are together. I can only hope he'll find that in her.

Not sure where to start.

CG & I .. broke up.. well I walked out of the relationship. He apparently wants to be with his ex, because she needs him more.

Short story. They were in love. She's a heroine addict, and in jail for 15 months. She has noone but him. She lived with this guy that used her addiction against her, and she disappeared from CG's life two months before he met me. Now that she's in jail, she's gotten in touch with him. And he realized that he still is in love with her, and that she needs him more than me.

I told him.. .. or questioned myself as to what she had that I didn't have.. and I said the only thing she has that I don't is him. HE didn't disagree,and in fact said he couldn't make a decision. I knew what his decision was, but just wish he could tell me. I feel like he was playing games with me, even though I know he wasn't trying to.

Today I realized more than I'm upset because I'm not important enough to him to be part of his life. Is if I was looking outside this situation, and was just a friend, an unbiased friend. I'd look at him like he was crazy. He's dumping this girl that loves him, with all her heart and soul. A girl that has been nothing but good to him. A girl that is loyal and loving, and beautiful. A strong independant girl that loves public displays of affection. A girl that loves him for him, despite the bad things in his life. A girl that wants him to be happy, and only wishes that for him. I feel like, he doesn't love himself to better himself, and I feel that he feels that he doesn't deserve to be with someone like me. He himself said.. " you are the first women in my life that hasn't been a bad influence"

Oh well, Life goes on huh.. and I gotta get back to work.. so I'll finish my thoughts on this later.

CG & ME

We are back together. Its not like anything was really different though, other than my thoughts in my head about commitment, and relationships. To me, in order to make love to someone, I need to be in a relationship with them, I need to know that they desire me more than anything. Things weren't really that different in the week and day that we were broke up. Only this time its official. We had an official discussion, and not a passionate exchange of words while making love.

I wonder why he changed his mind. I'm actually concerned about it. I want to make sure he did it for the right reasons, and not because he just wants to make me happy. I think that will be our biggest challenge. We are both trying to please each other... and strive to do so. We need to both work on what will make ourselves happy.

I'm looking forward to seeing him again tonite. Although I hope that I wake up some more. I'm half asleep here, but made it to work safely.

CG seemed to be afraid, not just of hurting me, or me hurting him, but he's afraid because of something in that past that I feel he's afraid I'll leave him. I won't. I won't lie, some of the stuff he's told me so far, is hard to deal with. Its hard for me to picture the man I love doing those things. I can't imagine. My worry is that, he will slip, and go back in that mode. I know how easy it is, one mistake, and you can flush all ur hard work down the drain.

Madness

My aunt is still mad at me... for last week.
The whole, my daughter staying with my mom. I'm not sure what to think or say about it, except that... well she is my daughter, and its my choice, not anyone elses.

That then brings towards a problem, since I am going to see CG, both tonite and tommorrow nite, and stay with him, and come home early in the am. My aunt was mad, mostly because I told her we broke up. And even though... we broke up, we are still technically dating, and still talking about what our relationship is, and will be.

We will see. I miss him so much, and he misses me even more. He really wanted me to come over last nite, but it was 3 am, and I had to be up this morning to get my tires done. I'm already cruising with my aunt.. blah..

Tires... and Love

Got new tires today. Been up since 8 or so. Was at the garage most the day. Got my new tires, balanced.. etc, and a front end alignment, and and oil and filter change. Was only 400 something, so it was about what I expected. Just happy I don't have to worry about how much I'm driving now... mostly because I'm wanting to see CG. He wants to see me just as bad. We are like two young teens, both anxious and horny. Its more than that, but our sexual attraction is animal like. It's nice to find someone that satisfies my sexual needs as well as my emotional, and intellectual.

We keep talking about this whole, I'm not his gf thing. And I'm still not, the way he says it, is like because he doesn't want to "tie me down to anything" or he can't ask me "to be tied down". But its not like that. I don't feel tied down. I feel more secure. I'm so insecure about so many things. HE says.. "i'm not actively seeking out anyone.." and I say... "just because you aren't actively seeking anyone.. doesn't mean you won't run into anyone..." Then where does that leave me? Nowhere... I've wasted this time dating someone, who can't commit, because they are waiting for someone better to come along. Or someone with more this or more that, or that is more attractive. I know this isn't what he's saying to me, but this is what goes thru my head when he says that. I want to be his girlfriend, not just someone he is dating. Especially if are goin to continue with the sexual part. For me to be happy and enjoy sex, I need to know exactly where I stand. For me sex in a commited relationship is more sexually and emotionally satisfying. Sex to me is not just physical, its and emotional thing for me as well.

Safe.

Made it home safe from my hectic weekend.
My sister had her baby- Jason Jr, 7 lbs, 11.5 oz ( think that's right).
My brother graduated high school..(OMG- can't believe it)
And my gram let me borrow money to replace my balding tires.

I'm safe at work, but my body hurts, cuz I fell down the stairs.

Had an ob/gyn appt, and didn't get any of my questions answered really. Why am I not having a period? Am I even ovulating? Can I have kids again? What type of birth control should I use? Why did I bleed after sex? ... and many more that aren't on the tip of my tongue. Got some names of some endrocrologists, and also getting some bloodwork done, so we will see. Got to talk to CG after my appt, and kind of updated him quickly because he was at work. He was very concerned about the bleeding before, so I reassured him that everything was ok. We will see. I'm so confused about our relationship.

Honesty

Last nite I was extremely pissed at CG. What did he do... really? My opinion on it.. is that he ommited something very important that he should of told me. He's been telling me that today, he is going to visit a "friend" in jail.. What he conviently decided not to tell me was that he was previously in a relationship with this women.. A women, who although young, has it seems.. to really fuck up her life. A drug addict, and women who continues to allow herself to be abused, mostly it seems because of her drug addiction. And to top that off, it was more recently than he led me to believe. Less than two months ago...or so. He says it wasn't really that serious..but... he's going to see her because he cares, and she had noone.. Her dad is an addict as well...

I'm not sure my feelings on this. Last nite, I was glad he wanted to break up with me. I was hurt, angry and frustrated. Today we talked, although I called him first as I always seem to do. I feel a bit better, as he emailed me as well to tell me this story, one I had no idea about. What pissed me off more was he told me that they didn't really break up, just that he didn't see her any longer. I was more pissed, because of the fact that he decided to break up with me, just before he's going to see her. It makes it too convient.. if you know what I mean.

On top of that, I chatted for a few minutes with T., which I haven't talked to.. in months it seems.... and all he did was confuse me. Part of it stressed me out, because I feel like he never really wanted to be with me. Yes.. I do desire to be wanted... and part of me.. just wants him to want me regardless of the fact that we won't be together again. Also its wierd, for a man to turn me down for sex... and he has.. even though I only partly joke about it. Thing is, if he came up, or he invited me down.. I'd be more than happy to take advantage of him.

I know relationships aren't about sex, but its something I enjoy. Something that gives me a seratonin increase... and makes me feel good. I love the pleasure of a loving partner, that wants to please me.