Men Suck..

And most people I know agree.
Even men I know.

My other problem is.... I think my daughter's father wants to get back together with me. I don't understand or know how I even feel about this. Its been about 8 years since I kissed him. And about 3 years since I even seen him last, and that was when I saw him and his wife. Weird.

Well.. I'm more frustrated because I have many many men that love me. Ok.. so a few that just lust after me, a few that think I'm a fox in bed, and a few that adore me, but noone can tolerate me... noone can be loyal to me. I'm quite tired of it. Quite tired of being alone. Quite tired of men that can't commit, to even a gf/bf relationship. I'm not asking for marriage, although I won't lie, overall I do want a husband.

Ah well, Life goes on... I continue to breathe.. (well even.. lately- no allergy problems)... and my ability to cope is getting better...

Although sometimes, the bridge seems to be the option, but I put that out of my head.
Almost finished with my Harry Potter book, anyone have any ideas, on what to read next? I could use some input.

CG

CG & I broke up. Supposedly a mutual agreement, but more his idea than mine. I believe that relationships take time, and that they can't always be the number one thing in someones life. I understand where he's coming from though, and I question my ability to judge this decision, as... rightly, I should probably run away from the relationship.

I heard the same words come out of CG's mouth that came out of T's. About how he couldn't give me what I wanted, and how he needed to get his chaotic life figured out a bit more. And that things wouldn't changed. But they did, they do. Lack of commitment, pretty much turns me off. I need some kind of commitment... so that part makes me sad.

I also believe that having a relationship with someone, helps balance the the other chaos in your life. Its nice to know that when you come home at nite, someone still loves you, and wants you, and you have someone there to listen to you. Apparently CG, and T- Don't agree..

But I have bigger problems than that....


TO BE CONTINUED.....

Heading Home

Heading home in the morning,
Scared to death, but glad I'm going. I want to see my grandpa. He's not doing well, his arteries are 90% blocked, so they are doing a quadruple bypass in the morning. Everyone seems to be praying for my grandpa and my family. If only God would listen, now would be a good time. He doesn't seem to be though.

I'm confused about my feelings, I want my grandpa to live, and I'm sad & I don't know what I'll do if he dies. I don't know how to deal with it, and its a big selfish, being worried about my own sadness, when.. he could be dead.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But alas I'm here at work, doing BRC's and luckily not talking to customers. I'd definately loose it today if I had to. Although BRC's get old too, it distracts me.. so my eyes are completely teared the whole time.

Grandpa

I miss him. I wonder what pain he's in. I fear that call, that will say he's passed, all I want to do is see him one more time, if that is so...
I'm scared. I've never had someone die that I was really closer to. My great-gram passed when I was 7 I believe, and I was too young to understand as I didn't have a chance to get to know her.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Work is being understanding though, and luckily I have some time...

I just want to see my grandpa, hold his hand.. and tell him I love him, and I wish I had been around more. I want to thank him for loving me, and loving my daughter, and helping me out when he can. I love him.

I prayed to God last nite, to keep him safe, and then.. early in the morning he had another heart attack and they life flighted him to Erie. Where is this God, everyone tells me about?

Tears...

Tears flow down my eyes, because I know no other way to express my sadness.
I've already been depressed, this is the third day, of my down.
This morning, well right before work, i get a call from my uncle Joe,
he called to let my aunt know that my grandpa was in the hospital.
He had a mild heart attack and is now having problems with his kidneys. He's stable from what I understand, but it still scares and upsets me.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I wish I could see him, I never make enough time to see him, and he's not getting any younger.

Hecticity

Is that a word?
Who cares.
My life is so hectic lately. Busy, busy, busy... keeps me happier, because I have less time to worry. Things still aren't perfect but they seem to be getting better. I've been busy with Therapy, work, job interviews, other appts like allergist, and now the dentist. I kind of wish I could get another job, and reduce my hours here, so I could keep my insurance. We will see. This job is a bunch of bs. Blah, things here lately haven't been that bad.

My new bf, CG is great. He always cheers me up, despite my bitchyness. I'm a little lost now though, because, I asked him last nite.. "what is it you really want?" and he replied "I don't know". I wish that I could find someone that has an inkling of what they want. I know what I want. I've known for a long time. I want a family. A traditional one in a sense. Husband, wife, and children. Maybe one day.

Noone...

Noone really comments on my blog much anymore. Kind of dissappointing and relieving at the same time. I'm not sure if I like having my post public, for everyone to read my doubts, my dreams, my hopes, and my hurts... or if I like them being private. I think the most productive thing of having them open and out there, is my few friends that read, get to keep up to date with me, even though, they and I are too busy to talk. But, then I say things here very uninhibited, and some people may not enjoy reading it.

Had a job interview, close to Philly today, Plymouth Meeting, was close to CG, about 15 minutes, so I called him. On my newly reinstated prepaid stupid cell phone & said.."can I have a minute of your time" he was like "sure." but he didn't quite get that I wanted to come over. So I was like, "hun, I want to come over." He off course was like, cool, where you at. So I stopped by, we hung out outside, and he played with the dog. Beautiful dog. Then, just before it was time to leave, we went inside.. Before this though, (although he did notice my hair, which was cool), he kept asking me.. what was wrong. "Nothing," I replied. It was with honestly. I really didn't think anything was wrong. Just the normal worries, the relationship... etc. I was wanting a bit more attention and affection, but we were outside, and people were around, so it was ok. Well, when we went in the house, he was getting ready for work, we started making out, and he asked could we have a quickie. Would I deny him? No... I'm always horny. So here I am, at work, typing this, smelling like the sweet smell of sex.

On another note. Today I was suppposed to start the medicine to get my period. And... well.. it came on its own. Thats a good thing, means my body is still working.. but we will see.

Realizations...

On my desk is a fortune cookie fortune. It says " You will come to realizations in your life that change you forever". Little did I know, when I got this fortune cookie months ago, that it was, and is true. In the last few months, I've learned more about myself, and how I work, and how I see things. I've become more aware of my faults, and what it is I'm looking for in life. I've learned more than I have in the last 26 years. I still don't know all there is to know, and I don't know how to be quite happy. But I can say, I realize the happy moments and take advantage of them, and enjoy them. This is something I never did before.

It started before this, but this was a major changing point. Probably 3 weeks to a month ago, I had a talked with my friend, Paul, someone whom I've never met, but have all intentions to. He's a good friend online, and we always have meaningful conversations. We have always talked about T. alot. He always thought T. was bad for me, but never really said. Just gave me words of encouragement. Paul is married, and I always ask him for love advice. Well, like I said.. about a month ago, we had a conversation about why I idealized the relationship with T. I never realized it, but it was because he saved me. He saved me from EPB, he saved me from myself, and he gave me hopes and dreams. Something I don't remember ever really having. At least not realistically. I had hopes and dreams before, but I never did anything for them to come true. I never really thought they would happen. My hope for the future, is to be happy. To be ok, with me, to feel safe with myself. Sounds weird, but its hard when the person you are with the most, yourself, is the person you can trust the least.

Every day is a journey. Every day, I've learned something new, especially with the help of CG. He gets my mind thinking, and encourages me to explore why things are they way they are. I don't totally agree with what he says, especially about moving on, because, I need to have closure for my life, I need to have closure on the bad things that happened. I don't know how to do that. I can't cut myself off from my family, although I sometimes think I should. My love is unconditional, whether they love me or not. Well last nite, in our talk, CG, and I explored alot of things. One was the molestation by my uncle. The other, was where did my life go wrong...

I stated to him, "9 months before I was born". He was like, no... really... Julie, where did it go wrong. I sort of tried to prove my point, and I said... " my parents never wanted me, NEVER." And its true. I was a pawn on their chessboard from day one, they wanted me when it was convenient. When they could get money or status from having a child. When they could get welfare benefits. When it made them look good.

Having said this. My need for being wanted... My desire to be loved, stems from the day I was born. Never really feeling lvoed, never being wanted. It took me a long time to realize that I had any sort of love because of the fucked up way my family shows it to each other. When I say this, I'm talking about my gram, and my aunt, the only two people in this world, that showed me love from a young age.

Unfortunately.. I can't continue this right now. I have to log on at work, and I need a few minutes, to cheer up.

My realizations, are changing me. It makes me happy to change for the good.

Saturday

A week from the day that I met CG. I honestly love and care for him with all my heart. I am scared though. I've found some things out about him, that were in his past, that are not things I normally tolerate. Does it make him less of a person? NO. It makes him more of a man, for being able to tell me these things knowing it may scare me away. He has so much more to tell me, I look forward to it... although, a bit scared also. I wonder what kind of bf he will be, what kind of husband and father. I wonder if we will get along in the long run. Things were kind of tense yesterday, before he left. I felt bad because he missed the bus, and wouldn't be home until late at nite, wasting what was left of his day off. He felt bad, and seemed upset about the whole thing. He didn't really talk about it too much. It was our own crazy fault though, running off in the middle of the nite, so we could talk and kiss and cuddle and make love. I think we were both feeling needy on Friday.

He sort of fulfilled my sexual fantasy... We made love, and in the middle, he went down on me... and then I pulled him up, so I could lick the taste of us from his mouth. The only thing that would of been better is if he had cum first. That, and the idea of that, makes me aroused.

I worry, again, because I got really upset with him yesterday. We were talking about our sexual partners, and I found out he had more than he originally said. Which
A. made me feel bad, about feeling bad about telling him my number, and not sharing it openly when we talked about it last weekend
B. made me think about, perspectives, and question why he didn't tell me the truth in the first place
C. made me wonder why he didn't tell me in the first place, and what else he mite not be being honest with me about
D. he said something to the effect.. "well it wasn't recently", making me feel bad about my fling with D., my friend, recently
E. made me wonder about the honesty of our communications about std's and how recently each of us had been tested
F. made me wonder if we really had a good level of communication and honesty in our relationship

I haven't heard from him. I'm trying not to worry, because we both had lack of sleep, and I'm sure he was tired, but... I keep thinking maybe he's mad at me for the whole thing, him missing the bus... and wasting the whole day with public transportation systems. The whole thing really sucks.

I have a job interview on Wednesday, with a staffing agency, closer to Norristown/Montgomery County... Not sure what to think about it, or what kind of jobs exactly they deal with. I advised her of my current job position, and my current salary, and told her that is what I was looking for. We will see. I think I'd prefer to do something, where I teach something, or where I'm constantly learning. I really want to spend more time at my job doing something more meaningful & interesting. Lately because I've been thinking of school, I've really thought of going to school for Elementary Education and psychology, instead of Architectural Design/Drafting with a minor in psychology. It would give me the power to help people, to teach and to learn, and the type of schedule that I'm looking for in the long run. We will see. I have other things to straighten out before I get back to school.

Continuation....

I still question why he'd want to date me, but I guess I understand a little more now. He's very loving and caring, but he's done some bad things in his life. He seems to understand me. He reads me pretty well. I hate that he says, lets just see how it goes, lets take it slow. Taking it slow would of been.. if we didn't have sex. But we did, and I wouldn't take it back.

We are two crazy.. fucking people. 3am, Friday morning, I drive to Philly, to pick him up, to come back to my house.. and make love. I think I arrive at around 5am or so, because I got misdirected and went to New Jersey. It was a fun ride. The city is beautiful. The drive was beautiful. The neighborhood where he lives is cute. See him was wonderful. We got back to my place a little after 6, only to see that we were locked out, but Sally was awake, gave me a dirty look, and let me in. Was like... Are you going to work today.. .I was like "of course"... duh. But in the meantime, he and I made love all day, playing, cuddling, kissing... and such... and we never slept.

I feel bad, because he missed the bus, and had to wait till 4 something to get the next bus, meaning he won't get back home till 9 tonite. I tried to get off work, I have like 11.2 hours of vacation that I can use, but today wasn't open.

More continuations....

My weekend...

My weekend was absolutely wonderful. Now... things aren't so great though, I'm down on a real low, from the high I was on. Not because I miss him..., but because I can't cope with what I may do to him in the future. When I say him, I'm referring to CG. I love him, I truly do, but I see my habits coming thru, as they usually do. I'm hurting already, paranoid to some extent that he will leave me, that he will hurt me, and my daughter. But the thing is... I don't want to hurt him.

In my mind, I'm running away already... running far. I've thought about breaking up with him, why did this run through my mind? He didn't call last nite. First nite, he forgot to call, and he didn't really forget.. he fell asleep, just as I did, mostly likely because he was exhausted. I was ready for bed at 11pm, so what does that tell you??

He was so wonderful the whole weekend. He gave me the perfect date, something I never thought could happen. He spoiled me. I loved it. He never once mentioned money, and part of it bugs me. I know he spent alot of money coming up, buying things, and what not.... Its something we haven't really talked about.

I still think about the weekend, and how wonderful it was. How much I felt spoiled, How perfect he is. Its weird. We are so much alike, yet so different at the same time. We have plenty of the same values, and needs, and I just hope it stays this way. Its scary. He's going thru alot, as well as me.

He questioned my self esteem the other day... because I asked.. "What is the benefit of you dating me? What can I give the relationship?" I feel these questions have nothing to do with self esteem, but more as to being in a healthy relationship. I'm a mess. Even when I'm good, its hard, because you never know when I'll flip out and have a breakdown/meltdown. I'm so unpredictable, so unstable. What kind of person wants someone like that in their life. Its not what I'm looking for, so I find it hard to accept.

To BE Continued...

You've got to be fucking kidding

I just wrote a big long post.. and its gone..
FUCK...
will talk about my weekend and feelings.. and stuff when I get home from work tonite.. blah

Tommorrow

Excited about tommorrow, and meeting CG. We've both been impatiently waiting all week. We are going to Olive Garden for dinner, then a movie, not sure which one, and then.. hopefully a walk or something. Not sure yet what time he is arriving, but either way, we can't leave until about 4:30 anyway. He's trying to score points with Darian and get her a new guinea pig, but Francis has yet to buy a new cage. It really really pisses me off.

I'm stressed out at the same time, because dispite the fact that I make a shitload of money, I'm broke. I can't afford my currently livin style, and in fact. I realize although, I can't do anything now, I probably shouldn't have bought my car. My normal monthly bills are over one grand, then I have gas, and a sitter... and now that Sally may be getting a new job, I have to shell out more and more for a sitter, that I can't afford now. I have pretty much no money for food... I've been mostly scrounging around the house for food, because I haven't went grocey shopping in months. Not sure what to do. Get another job, part time... or what. I know one thing I do have to do. Call a Lawyer, and get the rest of this shit taken care of. I wish I knew what to do.

Stresssssssssed OUT!!

Life is so frustrating. Its an emotional day. I've already been emotional, and my hormones don't help anything. I haven't had a period in almost 3 months. My daughter has lice again. AGAIN! I want to go shoot someone. Francis and Darian disappeared so I didn't get to treat her before I left for work, so I left a note for Sally to do it, but I doubt it will get done, or done right, so I'll have a bigger mess tommorrow to deal with. FUCK Freaking WOW!

So Stressed. Did I mention that? What keeps me going...?? My new.. sweetie, not sure what refer to him as.... maybe CG (Crazy GUY)- He is crazy- he has to be... he tolerates me.. and still wants to meet me after all the stuff I've told him. And I pretty much tell him everything. Its weird.. he acts so similiar to me.. (in the good ways).. he's very loving, and caring, and concerned. If I were him and I met me, I'd run the other way...

So he's coming on Saturday, up from Philly, and.. we are meeting, supposed to go to Dinner, at The Olive Garden (I've been wanting to go there), and then to a movie. He's getting a hotel just down the street from my house. Not sure what we are doing Sunday, but I'll figure something out. Thinking the Pagoda, maybe a museum.

But... Therapy was stressful, talked about alot of sexual things, that go on in my life. Something I wasn't able to share with my last therapist. She asked me.. if I was planning on having sex with CG.. and I was like.. uh "NO"... but we didn't really talk about it. One thing I enjoy, is we flirt, its just not all sexual. Though... he has said.. that he wants to "make love to me"... He said that we can take it as slow as we need to... and I feel there is no need to rush.

I worry though.. as I do alot.

We Shared...

I love you 's
Crazy? Probably!
But does it feel good?
YES!
It feels wonderful.
It feels delightful.
It feels right.

Work

So frustrated with this place. Sucks too, cuz I'm sure if they wanted they could see what I'm writing here. Who knows, they could be watching now, even though I'm on break. I'm upset mostly for the fact that noone here can get their shit together...
IE: I got a call from a member regarding that fact that Medicare didn't approve his date, for the date he requested, and that his date moved ahead two months.. From 05/01 to 07/01- There was a note on the account referring this to a manager if they called back. Ok, I thought this was wrong, so I call Escalation, and they say... they are looking in the manual.. IN the meantime I find it, and say.. is this correct? and she says.. "YES, call a case manager", I tell the IM what is going on, and then transfer, This manager lady comes on... and says.."why are you transfering, you need to do blah blah blah Eform" I stated, " because escalation told me to", and she said "NO" and wouldn't take the call. WTF? what do they get pd for. If we aren't allowed to refuse calls why the fuck should they?

I just spoke with a co-worker, and she told me to write a mail to the higher ups regarding this. It just totally pisses me off.. stresses me out, and makes me look like an asshole. Plus now, I'm on the verge of tears, and I just want to run away from here.

I don't know what to do. I don't totally hate my job.. I just can't stand that people don't do their jobs. I really would prefer to own my own business. I'm thinking alot lately about majoring in psych, rather than minor, and then I can open my own practice or whatever, if its something I enjoy. Meeting my therapist though, was a real eye opener, but mostly because she admitted to be a little instable herself. It was soothing and reassureing.

Love....

I'm smitten. I just started talking to him last week, but its been delightful. I'm able to share with him. He's making an effort, he's coming to see me... he's taking me out. He calls... (but like most typical men.. haha) He's looking for a relationship. He has children, so he understands the whole single parent thing. He has a decent job... he loves animals..

I'm looking very forward to our date. Very excited. Things have been doing alot better since I saw the doc, and got started on some new meds, that hopefully won't effect my sex drive. They've helped my mood swings though. My new therapist is delightful as well.