I hate myself

Duh.. I do.. I really do. I'm so emotional tonite. Hardly enjoyed D's company. Enjoyed some music in chat and on webcam though, that he invited me to. It was nice, long haired guys, singing.. it rocked. But..then.. I message my favourite person, N, and I saw him on late last nite, and a little tonite, but had too much anxiety to message him. Which is stupid. But i have feeling like I am bothering him all the time. He said I could bother him anytime. :( What is wrong with me? Why do I have this stupid crush. It just makes me feel stupid, for wanting something I can't have. Why do I always want guys, that aren't available?

Then, DN, an old friend, who really likes me, or so he says, came on tonite. He usually show up one nite a week, mostly Thursdays... and tells me how much he misses me.. asks me to view my cam..and then wants me to show off, and I tell him I can't. Or I don't want to. Last time we talked, I was very upset.. to begin with, and told him . i didnt want him to ask me.. and he did. Tonite, well, i was talking with D about him. And asked him how do I annoy him.. to get rid of him.. well I told him he couldnt view my cam.. cuz i had it on yahoo. He said. he'd leave.. cuz I was busy, part of me didn't want him to leave, but all i could do .. is feel pain, and I was very upset..

I hate feelings sometimes.. alot of the time, mine are overly.. something.. and .. I get too emotional about everything. Like N. he probably (although he knows alot about me) thinks I'm a fucking nutcase... if i were him, I think I'd put me on ignore.. or something.

Why am I even saying this? I don't know.. I feel like I'm going crazy.... HELP ME!!

Who's Your Sex Symbol Twin?

Jennifer Aniston!
Who said smart and sexy don't go hand in hand? Proving she knows what she's doing, the lovely Mrs. Pitt became the standout star of Friends before snagging her equally lovely husband Brad. Like Jennifer, you're a woman who knows what she wants. There will be no damsel-in-distress act for you; it's your independence that really drives men wild. A bit of a tomboy at heart, your great body comes from doing push-ups not wearing a push-up bra. When it comes to beauty, you like to keep it simple: a few coats of mascara, a cream blush and a sheer lipstick in a warm, neutral tone. But more than makeup, you have a natural glow that comes from eating well and lots of exercise. As for clothes, you love modern designs that show off the figure you've worked so hard to get. A sleek, asymmetrical top or simple strapless dress is all you need to leave him breathless.

Today

Not even sure what to say today. I read posts from others in my support groups for depression, and BPD, and I think, my life could of been must worse. I didn't go thru alot of things like they did. I cry as I read the posts, both for their life and for mine. The feelings are so intense. Scary. Then I sit here and wonder why I feel so bad, so depressed.. I mean.. was my life really that bad? Do I have a right to be depressed and upset and angry? I really don't know... but I do.

Met a really nice guy the other day,online. He seems nice so far anyway. Respectful, very. He seems to be very open, and we've had some nice discussions. Really hope we get to chat tonite.

I got a job. I officially work at Wal-mart. I am a little excited, but nervous at the same time. I've never worked in the deli, and am not sure how much I'll like it. I'm kind of tired of sitting around waiting for what is going on with my supposed move. I need to get a life. I need to move on.

I wish my past didn't haunt me so much. Its scary. I met with my caseworker today. She works with a program that helps with transportation for dr's appts.. and housing.. and bills and stuff. We have alot in the works, and I hope this helps alot of my stressors out. I'm so far in debt, I don't know what to do.

Hopefully things will work out well. I've been lucky so far this week, but I need to get my car fixed, or get a new one. Wish me luck. I need all I can get.

So far away,
wondering where,
What are you doing?
Are you there?

I look around,
take a glance,
Wondering if,
I have a chance.

Smiling face,
wind in my hair,
I'm still wondering,
Are you there?

If you are,
I say come here,
Please,
and have no fear.

Life

So funny, so wierd, and yet still unfulfilling.. that's life.

Why do things have to be the way they are? Why can't people just be honest? I don't get it. It would help me a great deal. I can't deal with the stress of life. Not sure where to turn. Noone understands me... even the ones that think they do.

I can't get the help i need, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Part of me wants to live, part of me is already dying....

Dying inside,
Crying inside,
nowhere to run,
nowhere to hide.

Where do I go,
where do I stay?
Where is my life,
do I go which way?

To live, to die,
to hide to cry.
Do you know?
I want to know why.

Feeling of mistrust,
Unguided love,
Please help me Lord,
If you are above.

HATE HER!!

I fucking hate this, my gram says over 400 dollars is missing from her purse. Guess who was here yesterday. My fucking sister.

I feel like going to slit my throat... why is this world so unfair.. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I wish I was dead.

Quiz-"What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!"

You have a free soul! As all the souls go, yours is
the most free-spirited and adventurous. You
like camping, hiking, or interaction with other
people. Your a social butterfly, but not
because of your style, but because of your
willingness to communicate with everyone. You
probably have close friends who can rely on you
because you always seem to know whats going on
in the world. You love music and are
free-spirited and someone fun to be around. A
born leader and great explorer-dont ever
change-the world needs more people like you.


What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

I wish

I wish someone in this world could really understand me.. .. I wish people knew what to say to me, when they hestitate to call me, or message me.. or write.. or whatever. I wish I could say what I need, but all I need is for someone to love me, and to be there for me.

When I get bad, that is when everyone gets scared. That is when I need somebody the most. I hate love, alot, but I also love it. I hate that love hurts so much. I just am tired of hurting, tired of feeling so much pain. Tired of doctors that don't know what the fuck they are doing. Why does shit suck so much? I don't fucking get it.

Am I angry???? YES!! WHY WHY WHY??? I will always fucking ask why. Why can't the nice people be happy? Why do the rich keep getting richer? Why isn't the world fair. Why do I have to have the family I have. Why was I put on this Earth?? WHY WHY WHY????

ARE YOU A NERD??

Apparently part of me is... This TEST is HARD!! Try it!


26.19047619047619% of me is a huge nerd! How about you?

I hate her, she's evil.

I can't say I've ever really said I hated anyone, until now. I hate my grandma, sure parts of me love her too, but right now, I want to do is choke the shit out of her. She's so mean, always putting me down, telling me i'm a slut, a liar, a thief, a whore, and worthless, any thing she can say to hurt me. Her dog is sick, so she's putting her to sleep, and also doing the same to my cat, because she wants to hurt me. I love my cat so much, she's always been there for me, she doesnt deserve this. She's a good kitty, I dont' want to lose her. She's been in my life for over 12 years. ... since she was a little baby, a kitten, just born.

I just hurt so much anymore, I can't stand my grandma even talking to me. I think part of it, is she just tries to make converation, but everything she does irritates me. She'll ask me things, right when i'm in the middle of something, or not answer me when I ask her something. She sits there and trys to talk to me while i'm doing my breathing machine, knowing I can't talk, or waits till i walk in the other room. I dunno, all i know is I don't know how much longer I can take this, and I have nowhere to go. Nowhere. I'm the lost girl.

Read an article today, about Borderlines, and all i've done since is cry. I don't know what to do with myself, with my life.... with Darian. It all hurts too much, living, breathing... why do i have to feel such pain? Why do I feel like I'm not loved?


Anonymous Account of the Borderline Personality
Disorder



THEORY

All the information on symptoms, behavior,
destructive tendencies,
random outbursts, insecurity, instability, etc
are unquestioned and
obvious - especially when you spend much time
around these people.
The descriptions cover all the amorphous
manifestations of this
problem. In my opinion however, the mental health
community has
apparently missed what is actually happening.
What they are seeing
aren't any number of spurious abnormal behavior
patterns, symptoms
or defense mechanisms meant to protect the person
from threat or
depression. As a matter-of-fact, much of their
behavior is quite
normal and deliberate. At this point, I hope you
are wondering how.

The reason their behavior is normal and
deliberate is because what
is being experienced by the BPD person and
witnessed by those around
them is predominantly: THE NORMAL BEHAVIOR OF A
CHILD. Of course,
the abnormality/problem comes in because these
people aren't
children - they're adults. Well, maybe they
aren't completely
adults - not yet anyway. Their
psychological/emotional maturation
was "stuck" (arrested), or more accurately stated
"trapped",
sometime in their youth due to some perceived
loss, real loss, or
abuse. From that point on, these people
essentially have only had
the identity components and relationship capacity
of the child they
were at the time of the loss (but definitely not
more than a
teenager). Their intellectual and physical
maturity continued
reasonably unabated, but what must be realized is
that each area of
personal growth can occur independently of the
others. What you have
in the BPD person is a physical/intellectual
adult and a
psychological/emotional child. They are only
doing what they know
how to do - what they were capable of at the time
of their perceived
or real loss!

There isn't any question that the
psychological/emotional child part
of the BPD person is distressed. It is fearful,
angry or depressed
depending on what caused its original trauma. It
is actually fear
and their subconscious misconception, "I can't do
this alone!", that
is part of the trap that prevented the person
from maturing.
Nevertheless, it is very easy to create a
psychological profile on
these people using the normal psyche of a child
as the basis and
couple it with what might be considered a
traumatizing component. If
you study all the BPD articles and psychological
descriptions
currently available, it almost jumps out that you
are looking at the
psyche of a child, a disturbed child indeed, but
still a child. It
should also be obvious that anything as pervasive
as the endless
list of so-called BPD symptoms suggests that what
you have is
general behavior, not ten thousand individual
defensive mechanisms
or symptoms all acting at once. If you don't see
this, then you are
undoubtedly as confused as the mental health
community evidently is.
While BPD behavior frequently seems chaotic and
irrational,
reconsider, isn't that what you would expect from
a distressed
child? What you have then is: a once severely
distressed child has
become what the mental health community has
labeled as a BPD adult;
an adult which frequently has uncontrollable,
erratic behavior. In
reality, the BPD label is truly insignificant,
what you actually
have is an adult with the "stuck" psyche of a
child.

I have read countless articles relating
information on the self,
self activating, and other self references. It is
more a semantic
rather than an actual discussion on the what you
call the self, but
for me, the self is your soul/personality; in
other words, who you
are. How your self (soul, personality or whatever
you want to call
it) interacts/relates in life is based on what
level of emotional
and intellectual maturity you have achieved (both
conscious and
subconscious). Therefore, the self is always
there, active and is
always a complete entity; maybe certain
components aren't in sync
with each other, but they are there.

The articles I've read tie all the pieces
together beautifully up to
the point of breakdown/loss; including all the
facts about the
breakdown, that the person was a child, and all
the ensuing symptoms
manifested by the person as an adult. From this
point on, each
article takes a departure into mysterious psychic
phenomena as the
source of symptoms and behavior. The mental
health professionals
have evidently chosen to neglect the key
ingredients in order to
force BPD behavior into the existing paradigms of
psychology.
Nevertheless, the key ingredients are: 1) you
started with a child
which obviously had the psyche of a child; 2)
something happened to
stop the child's psychological/emotional growth;
3) you now know
that you have an adult with behavioral problems;
but if you look
closely, their behavior is suspiciously similar
to that of a child.
Simple logic and common sense will tell you to
stick with a of line
of reasoning that includes the key ingredients;
don't take a radical
departure. If you start with a child and the
child stops growing,
one thing is for sure - you still have child! Any
extraneous psychic
involvement/elements are peripheral or
supplementary.

You can even map every so-called symptom/behavior
of a BPD to the
behavior of a distressed child.

Just for curiosity, lets map a few
symptoms/behavior and see what
happens:

SPLITTING/TRANSIENT BEHAVIOR:

When a child is two years old, his first lessons
are polarized -
good or bad. His learning continues in this
manner for quite some
time. All his behavioral teaching has polarized
overtones to
coincide with the limited intellectual capacity
of a child. He also
learns to attach subconscious feelings to these
conscious
lessons/concepts, for instance - love or hate.
From then on, (until
he matures) he can feel or express total love
towards someone
because of something good/agreeable, and in the
very next instant,
feel or express hate towards them because of
something
bad/disagreeable. Because he is still a child,
all these are
extremely transient and lacking in depth.
Polarized, short term
behavioral elements are very normal in children
and will continue
well into their teens; or unfortunately longer,
if there is a
problem.

PROJECTION:

Children either can't accept
responsibility/accountability for
certain aspects of themselves, certain
overwhelming experiences, or
don't want to be punished for bad behavior (even
internally by
feeling guilty), so it's a convenience to
displace responsibility
and put the blame on someone else. This is very
obvious behavior in
a child but takes on a little more sophistication
in an adult
because the mature intellect becomes a factor
which has a greater
capacity to manipulate/rationalize circumstantial
factors.

A child will deny bad behavior or transfer it to
someone else, even
if a parent/adult is completely aware or
witnessed what actually
happened. Nevertheless, a parent/adult usually
dismisses the
incident anyway as childish nonsense. However, it
boggles the mind
to witness an adult do the same thing; it isn't
normal mature
behavior. When an adult projects, what usually
ensues is some kind
of argument on what actually happened and who
actually did what. The
truly amazing part, though, is no matter how you
confront the
projecting adult, they will deny everything, the
same as a child
does. This truly is childish behavior - and it is
one capacity of a
child or a BPD adult.

If a BPD is emotionally stressed, they are
automatically in
the "trapped child" zone of their psyche. In this
area, they can't
see themselves as anything but a victim. Their
behavior is always in
response to an encounter, not the provocation.
The other person is
always the bad guy and is always at fault.

IDENTITY:

A child is intuitively aware of his dependence on
an external source
for his emotional, circumstantial, and physical
well-being. He
perceives himself as limited in his capacity to
deal with real-life
obligations and responsibility and really doesn't
want it anyway.
All he really wants is superficial
responsibility, the kind that is
fun and provides personal gratification but has
no real
consequences; leave the real stuff to the adults.
He wants his life
to be in the realm of fantasy and play.

If a child is thrust into what he perceives as
real-life/adult
responsibility and emotional/psychological
independence to soon (the
emotional abandonment or betrayal scenario), all
his limited
characteristics become evident and amplified. He
feels weak,
insecure, inferior, angry, unhappy, inadequate,
distrustful, etc;
all the real capacity of a emotionally hurt
child. As this child
matures, especially through adolescence, he
probably wont develop
healthy and mature replacements of confidence and
growth beyond his
childish limitations. Instead, as a substitute,
he builds a
fortress, an outward facade/image which gives the
appearance of
competence and security.

As he grows, he can sense his facade and that not
much inside
himself seems real; he therefore begins to feel
very empty and
hollow, even more so than a normal teenager does.
This is an early
and recurring sign that his intellect and his
emotions are way out
of sync. His conscious intellect is aware that
something is wrong
but he can't control or identify exactly what it
is; and,
unfortunately for the BPD, wont get any better.

If the child/BPD has some external attribute, you
will generally see
an exaggerated importance placed on these as part
of the cover,
substitute, and security for his lacking internal
psychological and
emotional maturity. Anything about his person, 1)
physical or
intellectual; 2) anything material, anything new
or lavish; 3) any
social ties, especially a number of close
friends/companions; 4)
anything to cling to as foundation or
fulfillment; all become part
of the facade and crutches for security.

Since children/teenagers are in constant need of
entertainment and
fun and are exposed to too much of the wrong
kind, the BPD person
will most likely pick up destructive habits as
sources of
desperately needed fun and relief. Mind flight
and escape become a
very important - even necessary - part of their
lives, and the
various sources that produce it also become
psychological/emotional
crutches.

RELATIONSHIPS:

A child initially idolizes his parents; they are
wonderful
superhumans, omnipotent heroes; so the child
worships and loves them
deeply. The child tries to emulate every aspect
of these people.
However, if something happens to damage and
breakdown the love bond
and idealization of his parent, the child feels
disillusioned,
betrayed and lost. He perceives himself as still
dependent but can
no longer depend on his parents, so he tries to
quickly replace the
parent personage by someone else that (in his
eyes) fulfills the
superhuman - hero requirements. Until this child
matures and truly
becomes independent, any significant other for
the rest of his life
will have to initially either have the perceived
superhuman quality
or provide some degree of circumstantial
security.

When a BPD person is an adult (in age anyway) and
engages in a
serious relationship with someone, a relationship
that should be
based on mutual adult love and sharing, it isn't
long before child-
like relationship aspects arise and cause
problems. The BPD person
is only capable of limited love but needs endless
love, the same as
what a child expects with a parent. The
significant other person in
this relationship becomes the parent replacement;
available on
demand to meet all the personal, emotional, and
circumstantial
needs; but, gets very little deep mature love and
consideration in
return. What this person usually experiences in
this relationship is
what a parent does with a child/teenager; 1)
sometimes genuine love;
2) sometimes casual indifference; 3) sometimes
sarcasm, smart-ass
attitude, picking, provoking, moodiness, and
irritability; 4)
sometimes withdrawal and depression. Part of this
behavior comes
from simple immaturity and part comes from the
threat that the
significant other person represents the capacity
to hurt, betray,
and leave. Any interpersonal stress/contention
can amplify these
mood tendencies. Down deep though, the BPD person
knows he is still
dependent, so no matter how badly he mistreats
his significant
other, he doesn't want the other person to leave;
the same as a
child didn't want his parent to leave, in spite
of how badly the
parent mistreated, neglected, or abused him.

These are enough examples; I think you get the
idea. Debbie, you can
map every BPD aspect in this manner, from the
simple more obvious to
the complex less obvious. I reiterate, they are
only doing what they
know how to do; their behavior is not a collage
of random elements.
Their behavior is primarily based on insecurity,
fear, and the once
severely hurt child-like psyche (which is still
present
now, "trapped") is extremely limited and
vulnerable to anything or
anyone that is a potential threat. These
limitations make them a
stressful/defensive person with three reactionary
dimensions. Being
frequently stressed or on the defense, BPD's 1)
overreact to simple
stressors; 2) get angry or become depressed on
moderate stressors;
and 3) go into panic, rage, or deep depression on
what they perceive
as overwhelming stressors.

Everyone, BPD or not, carries some degree of
psychological/emotional
immaturity into adulthood. The typical gap
between the intellectual
and emotional psyche is usually small enough that
interpersonal
conflicts are infrequent and minor; so, the
average person can
handle these with few serious life side
consequences. The maturity
gap between the psychological/emotional and the
intellect of a BPD
person is very wide and pronounced which causes
frequent, major
interpersonal conflicts. Since emotional
responses are reactionary,
all you need is an confrontation between a BPD
and someone else or a
circumstantial problem, add an extra emotional
stressing stimulus,
and then look out. Depending on the degree of the
stressor, you will
see the child-like response from the BPD
corresponding to the kind
and degree described above.

The mental health community speculates on
chemical imbalance and
genetics as the origin of BPD. Although these may
be influential
factors, more so in one individual than another,
I still think it is
more a developmental miscarriage than anything
else. I seriously
doubt that it is possible to do a chemical or
neurological test on
one of these people and find anything but an
imbalance. BPD'S have
experienced some kind of stress/anxiety every day
for years. While
it is beneficial to treat the imbalances and
provide temporary
relief, the cure remains to help these people
with the insight and
counseling that leads to a healthy
restructuring/reprogramming of
the emotional psyche. I am aware of several
undiagnosed people who
have over the years outgrown the symptoms and
behavior. It stands to
reason that life-side experience will eventually
dispel childish
concepts and close the gap. It also stands to
reason that the
greater the gap, or lack of its awareness, the
longer it will take.
The tragedy is that BPD people usually ruin their
lives and many
around them before they grow out of it. I can
also say that I know a
few that are quite old and still manifest BPD
behavior; but, they
are in absolute denial.

A BPD person essentially is the child they once
were, including
their age and complete psycho/emotional content
resulting from a
traumatic experience/loss; the most traumatic
loss of all - the
perceived loss of nurturing love. Love is a
general, pervasive and
necessary psychological requirement. If fear,
repression or some
other psychic mechanism interrupts the nurturing
realized by love,
the result is a general breakdown or failure, a
cessation of
emotional growth and maturation. When the
subconscious psyche is
accessed for behavioral reference and the
feelings necessary for
relationships, it brings up the latest version.
Unfortunately for
BPD's, the latest version hasn't been
updated/modified for many
years; it isn't adult, mature or healthy. For a
child/adult who
suffers from this, their lives are subject to
this condition and
will be until they can understand and overcome
it.

Permission granted by author who wishes to remain
anonymous.

LOVE

Love
Love does not hurt. Physical and/or emotional abuse are not a part of love.
Love is not manipulative, it should not be used to get others to do what you want. You should never give in to demands based on the, "You would do it if you loved me!" tactic.
Love is an intense feeling of caring for another person. It can take many different forms (romantic, friendly, familial) but it is always about caring.
Although it is true that a big part of love is putting another person's happiness ahead of your own this never includes compromising your values or being untrue to yourself.
If somebody asks you to do something that you don't want to do in order to "prove" your love they do not love you the way you might think they do. When you love another person you don't ask them to sacrifice a part of themselves in the name of that love.
It is very easy to confuse lust for love. The true measure of romantic love is commitment and trust not physical attraction.
It is possible to feel romantic love for more than one person at a given time. Just think, if it is possible for you to love both of your parents at the same time why would it be impossible to feel romantic love for two people at once? Don't beat yourself up emotionally if you find yourself in this unhappy situation. But be sure to remain single and be open and honest with all parties about your feelings and confusion.
Sex is NOT love. Love is NOT sex. Sex can be a part of romantic love but it is never mandatory.
Romantic love can (and often does) fade. When it goes there is not always a reason. When somebody falls out of love with you it does not reflect upon your value as a person or your desirability.
Love should make you feel happy, secure and appreciated.

QUIZ: Are you too trusting?

Trust is a very important part of all types of relationships. How much you can trust a person, be they family, a friend or a love interest, determines how open and healthy your relationship will be. While trust is an essential part of all good relationships it is very easy to give trust before it is deserved or to give it too easily. Are you the type of person who trusts anybody? Do you have too much faith in other people? Can you pick up on the signs that a person is not trustworthy? Take our "Are you too trusting?" quiz to find out.

Your score is 35. You have found a healthy balance between trust and skepticism. While you believe that most people are good and well intentioned you are cautious with what you do, say, and how you act around new faces. You know that there is a big difference between being rude and being smart when it comes to trust. You are not likely to trust a person just because they are known to you, you expect people to show that they are worthy of your trust. Good for you! You are smart about trust and as a result will not put yourself in risky situations - be they emmotional or physical. Pat yourself on the back and keep doing what you are doing, you give new meaning to the term healthy balance.

UM.. where to start...

Not even sure. Well, dumb ass J. has been trying to get ahold of me. His gf has problems, female problems, like.. of the STD type, and he's like.. well.. I was sleeping w/ her the and w/ you. FUCK HIM... if he gave me the right info though, he slept with her last, and hopefully, was not even exposed. Though.. the STD that it is, I was already exposed to, and well, .(wonders if I should continue writing) FUCK IT.. if people don't like what I write..and they are scared off.. oh well. Well the particular STD is a virus, they say you don't get rid of it.. It's HPV, I was diagnosed with it years ago.. (about 6) at that time they said you don't get rid of it.. new studies say you do. All my paps have been fine since. I get another pap tomorrow. I'm still worried, cuz I don't trust J. WHY THE FUCK did I sleep with him again. (cuz he was good) I'm such a dumbass. I can't believe he even tries to talk to me. They way he called and started talking to me.. I think he was trying to blame me for giving his ex... HPV.. but.. he told me she had problems, when I first started seeing her. I guess its still his current gf.. but who the fuck cares. FUCK HIM.. FUCK her.. and her sorry ass.. cuz she doesn't know what a dog he is. I wish I was evil. I'd make his life hell. I wish I could, but although, part of me is evil.. I couldn't even pay him back, for the pain he helped cause me. But.. if I do ever get the chance to talk to his gf. Believe you me.. she will know. .. I don't find that men lying to people is right. Especially when it comes to your sexual health.

Anywhooo...

I've gotten to talk to my favorite person, N. the last few days. Makes me feel nice. I really like him. More than I should. I probably shouldn't write about him, because he reads this, but its not anything, I wouldn't or probably haven't told him to his face. I just have this stupid school girl crush on him. And he doesn't feel the same.. (well I don't know how he feels really). And.. I know.. it will probably be like most my other schoolgirl crushes, sure he thinks I'm cute and nice.. and stuff.. but soon he'll find the girl of his dreams, and.. I'll be happy for him , and jealous at the same time, but that is when I'll know for sure, I don't have a chance in hell. Kind of like Michel. He knows... I still do think he's a doll, but I'm extremely happy for him and Stacy. Especially since I've talked to Stacy and gotten to know her a bit. She's a great woman, and I know she loves Michel very much. Plus they look adorable together. :) But.. anyway..

Still talking to MM. He's still sweet and nice, but.. has become a big perverted.. Um.. I'm sure my flirting has something to do with that, but I've really tried to behave. Especially since he's a virgin, but he's 23 and I guess just really horney... Who knows.. I can't figure out men.

Um.. and then, also talked to a guy, that wanted just phone sex today, from hotornot, one that blew up his microwave when he was drunk last nite.. and a few more that just want to fuck. Pretty exciting day.

I started my day hanging out with the kids at preschool. It was a blast, they love me. Today was the first day that I wore short sleeves there and a few of the boys asked about my scars. I really didn't know what to say. I just told them I got some boo boos along time ago. And that I didn't remember how I got them, it was that long ago. What do you tell kids, 3-5 years old.. I was fucking scared. I've always been scared the teachers will say something. and be like.. You are too fucked up to be around the kids.. or something. I have paranoia or something. I mean.. would you want a lady around ur kids if she SI'd? I don't know if I would, if I didn't do it myself. What do I tell them? I'm crying as I write this, its some scary shit. Its hard enough when adults ask, doctors ask.. nurses.. and such.. but what do you tell a kid, I don't even know if my daughter understands, except that when I'm sick.. I get boo boos.

I'm still trying to watch myself, I know this is the week, the thoughts come. Whether because of my womanly cycle or not.. Noone knows.. but.. I'm glad I have lots of people to distract me so far this week. No thoughts, feeling a little low though, my gram put me down a lot today, called me a thief... last nite.. a slut.. who knows.. what next..

I feel the pain inside,
Within myself I try to hide.

I feel the hurt within,
I can't even bear to grin.

I feel the anger in my fist,
I want to cut my wrist.

Cutting,
Self mutilation,
Self aggravation,
Agitation,

Lack of love,
lack of self,
Think of me
above all else.

I feel the pain...
Inside,
I want to hide.

Easter

Nothing much going on today. Just thoughts in my head. Finally got to talk to N. today. J Happy about that. Missed him lots. More than I should probably. But I made some new friends in the meantime, and the one MM. , is very sweet. He’s 23, and living in Maryland. Originally from Guyana. Very sweet, and also a gentleman. Why do I keep meeting guys I don’t have a chance with? I guess I’m just destine to have lots of nice, cute, guys friends, all around the world.

Feeling ok today, got a little down, because I was sharing with MM, some very personal things about myself. Got me a little down, but he cheered me up, and then I took a long relaxing bath, and enjoyed my day. I wish I would of spent more time with Darian. But I did spend some time with here, and she enjoyed her new Barbie Jeep.

I got it for her for Easter, despite the fact, my grandma is the one that told her she was getting it. 250 dollars well spent I would say. Well, when I was putting the stupid thing together.. I was missing a part. I called back to Wal-mart to see if maybe it was left in the box.. AND IT WAS thankfully… so I headed over to Bradford to get it. Well, of course I had a few minutes to spare, so I wanted to see J. (I’m such a fucking dumbass) Well, I saw him.. And spent time with him, and was intimate, but I didn’t give in to him wanting sex. And I didn’t give him any sexual favors. I found out he’s back with Liz, his ex. What a fucker…. Well.. Anyway.. In the meantime, I’m late so I head home.. And well.. What happens.. But that I speed, because I’m in a hurry, cuz I’m late. And I get pulled over for speeding. Luckily, that is all they gave me a ticket for, as I don’t have insurance on my vehicle. So, there goes another 100 dollars, not sure if I’ll even have enough to fix my car. I’m hoping like hell. Cuz otherwise I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do.

Hoping this week, I have a good support group, this is my emotional week, and not having my meds, (or being allowed to have them rather) because of the allergy testing this week is killing me. I have met some new friends.. So I hope things will go well. I don’t want any suicidal thoughts this week.

FIRST OF ALL...

Why does noone comment on my site? That freaking sucks.
Pissy mood!! Feeling sick, can hardly breath. Will I live till tommorrow?? of course.. i have to suffer.

My heart is hurting,
So much pain,
Without love,
What's to gain?

Nothing here to lose,
More pain, the fear,
So much sadness,
Its too near.

Don't know if I can take it,
Don't know if I care to,
I feel the pain,
thru and thru.

My bones, my soul,
my heart aches,
I don't know,
how much more I can take.

Help me please,
I need your love,
Help me God,
If you are above.

Narcissistic or Snobby?

Um.. I never thought about it, maybe I'm just a snob. Check this QUIZ out!


Your Snob-O-Meter score is 39%. Sorta snobby. You can be relaxed and accepting of those that don't fit your criteria for being "cool", but you also have the occasional bout of superiority. Perhaps there are certain things that matter more to you than others, or you just get in a snobby mood from time to time. Whatever the case, you should refrain from judging others on superficial qualities. Don't judge a book by its cover. You don't know what fabulous and fascinating people you might discount just because they're not wearing the right brand of socks. Of course, this semi-snob attitude might get you a better job with a bigger paycheck. Snobs tend to have more self-confidence which means they get to call the shots. Watch out for those bouts of humility which are the hallmarks of a loser and can spell disaster in this dog-eat-dog world.


But anyway.. had fun with N. my crush. He's soo sweet adorable, and really fun to talk to. I always feel good when we chat. I flirted with him way too much today though. He said he liked it, and didn't mind. Feels weird, cuz.. part of me.. wants to say to him. "I'd love to meet you." and part of me is like, don't bother nothing would come of it. I dunno. He's a little shy, so I tend to be the aggressor. I dunno, I just don't want to scare him off. I'm just going to enjoy our chats for now. Not sure what else to say, as he has the link to this, and I wonder how often he reads it. :)

SMILE.. :)

Tears

Not sure where to start. I pretty much hate everything, and see no reason to live today, but I know in my head, that tommorrow, I will probably feel differently. I feel so lost and alone. I'm out of the loop. Partly because I'm sick, and then, also my car is at the garage, I've not seen any of my friends. I don't like this. I've been housebound.. for a while now. Seeing my family doesn't help. I just want to know someone loves me. I was supposed to hang out with M. today, but well, I guess he didnt want to hang out. I don't really understand, I know we were supposed to go for a walk and its crappy weather, and tooo damn cold. BUt.. in my head I thought he'd want to hang out anyway. I miss hanging with him, and the boys. I miss him even more. I don't know why. Maybe cuz when I'm with him, I feel loved. I feel like someone cares. I don't feel like that much anymore. I just feel tired of trying. I feel so alone. I have so many friends, but none of them can provide me with what I need. I can't provide it for myself. I don't know how. I wish I did.

All i want to do is cry, I have tears in my eyes. I'm talking with C. and I find how much I don't understand him, and his life. He wants to be with me.. and I can't say what I want, because I don't know. Part of me, doesn't him, and part of me wants to. Part of me wants to go to Romania.. and meet him. I know we would get along great. But I don't know. I don't think I could ever go there.

I just want someone to talk to right now.. and I have noone to call. Makes me feel useless, like I have no friends. I just want to push the ones I do have away. I hurt so much right now. I don't know what to do about it. I'll just stay here.. and cry.