I was feeling really emotionally.. and angry yesterday... over some things my ex wrote on his blog. (Yes... T)... cuz everyone knows I'm still in love with him. I know its best we aren't together, but I wonder why he stays in touch... and why this, and why that... and yesterday, I wondered if maybe if he did it because he thought it might prevent me from a suicide attempt. or if maybe he just felt sorry for me.... and then... he posts his blog..... Thing is though, I talked to Lisa, and got all my anger out before I started my day... and made it thru my stressful day.... only to come home and see an email from him.. and then my heart melted again...
"Let no one say that I don't “interact” with interesting women.
My “J”, lives in Reading PA, it's about a 2 hour drive from Baltimore. Not the nicest drive I've ever gone on, but enough to be relaxing and provide adequate think time in the car. It's suburbia, nestled in rural, surrounded by mountains, green trees, and the whole so sweet scent of poverty.
I met on her on Hotornot, which I recommend for anyone who, like I, clearly have the social skills of a slug swimming in rock salt. You know the type, those “cheery” people with enough skills to attract a crowd, while various levels of “eeeeeewwwwww” are being uttered, and of course, no one would even dare approach, they just watch, and wait for you to die until the next strange oddity comes along.
But I digress, this is about her, not me.
Although I will add that historically, I have an absolute hard-on for broken women. Suicidals, girls with mental health issues, sex abuse survivors, the only thing I don't do are druggies. Never was down with the self destruction thing, even if its a result of the aforementioned. Every woman I've ever dated (about 16 of them to date), has had one of the aforementioned. It's gotten to the point where if I got your phone number then you are probably fucked up. Probably, certifiably , fucked up.
The only exception may be “K” from NY, and even then I wonder sometimes.
“J”,my most recent ex, is fucked up. SEVERELY FUCKED UP.
She warned me for months beforehand, she told me, repeatedly, how she was. She told me about her history , her family, about her slut mother who slept with every man that walked, her various suicide attempts. I've seen scars she inflicted on herself, kissed them actually.
I remember the first time I was supposed to go to Reading to meet her, I had actually fallen into a slump that weekend. I wasn't feeling very well and I didn't have a lot of money, so I called and canceled. A couple of days later I received a phone call from her “ex” boyfriend, apparently she had tried to kill herself, again, apparently the day after I was supposed to see her.
Most people would see HUGE RED FLAGS at this point, but no no no, not yours truly. No, see this is the same idiot whose last fiance also tried to commit suicide, went to Shepard Pratt (major mental institution in Baltimore), and we had glorious sex while she was imprisoned there. Strictly for medicinal purposes to be sure.
After “J”'s flirt with death, I didn't run screaming, I didn't distance myself, and I didn't follow my friends advice. No, what did I do?, I phoned her in the looney ward, and I told her, that I loved her.
And meant every word of it.
And you know what else, I still love her. Not in some romantic sorta way (no her internet stalkings killed that one), but we started out as friends and I still really care. I still really worry about her. But I know there's something wrong when I am jerking off on the phone, talking her to orgasm in some vague hope that the resulting joyjuice lighting up her brain will keep her on the planet for another week or so.
On the brightside, she does have many good attributes. She is so her screen name, and would do anything for anyone. She's one step away from being a future Mensa member, and if the way she's raising her present kid is any indication, she would make a great mother, yes folks she has many good qualities.
...And those qualities outweigh any of her shortcomings.
Ok, so maybe I calmed down from earlier.... "
I cried, part of me understands more, but it still doesn't make it easier...
especially about the part ... that he does.. love me...romantically because of the internet stalking.... I did go a little overboard.. though I don't consider it stalking...
Its just.. I was dating him, talked to him since May.. and I was extremely upset because I didn't know anything about his life.... He wouldn't even tell me where he fucking lived... I thought for sure (this was my paranoia or something).. that he was fucking with my head, and just leading me on for sex, and I just thought he was lying to me about wanting to marry me... I thought he'd have his fun, then leave me just like every other man.
I realize, I do have faults, and some of the people in my life, I chased off, because I have my reasons. But many... so many.. I didn't do a damn thing wrong. I certainly didn't when my parents pretty much abandoned me. I had a guy email me about a month ago, a guy, that I only met on the internet, but we were making plans to get together. I told him about the HPV, because we had talked about sex, and I wanted him to know about it before we met, so he could choose what he wanted to do. Whether this was something he wanted to pursue... or not (this was way before my two suicide attempts... well. it was early 2003- when I started getting depressed, and sick with migraines) Well, I got up the courage to tell him, he asked a few questions, told me it was ok.. baby... etc.. etc.. then... he told me to call him later... I spoke to him a few times briefly after that, and didn't hear from him again. Until recently, he apoligized for fucking up so badly, and said.. that he was surprised that I even wanted to talk to him. I loved him, he was sweet and attentive, he had even mailed me pictures of him and his son, and they were both gorgeous. Pretty much all I told him, besides updating him on my fucked up life, is that shit happens man, we all make mistakes, and that I was just glad that everything in his life was going good. It wasn't a lie... but it was...
That what if syndrome (sp).... I do the same thing with T., mostly because I don't think he really gave us a chance. Thing is, I know in my heart I could never give him anything beneficial, so my reasons are all selfish. He makes me feel good, makes me want to be a better person, I feel so safe in his arms, I love the way he looks at me... and kisses me... and everything in my life everyday reminds me of him, and what I lost... and how I fucked up. He said it.. right there. in black in white.... I FUCKED UP.
But..I guess, its supposed to be this way.. I'm supposed to move on, Just I'm so scared that noone can accept me... I can't lie, and I wont hide the truth, besides at one point in a relationship, I'm going to have to explain the scars.... Noone understands... Noone.. I FUCKING DON'T even.. know why I'm this way.. I FUCKING certainly didn't ask to be. FUCK YOU GOD, if you really fucking exist, FUCK YOU, and the FUCK JESUS, FUCK EVERYTHING, and EVERYONE....
AND Have a good time doing it...
But.. everything happens for a reason.....
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Monday, November 29, 2004
FUCK ME HARDER.... BABY
My ultimate fucking, kinky ass mother fucking fantasy...
and this guy has to tell me he's into it...(Randy.. the same guy, with the nice fucking cock)
Its almost fucking perfect...
A stranger....
who wouldn't mind having a threesome with another guy.....
no commitment,
no love,
no strings attached..
almost perfect....
But???
is it worth the risk?
and this guy has to tell me he's into it...(Randy.. the same guy, with the nice fucking cock)
Its almost fucking perfect...
A stranger....
who wouldn't mind having a threesome with another guy.....
no commitment,
no love,
no strings attached..
almost perfect....
But???
is it worth the risk?
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Getting FUCKED... by a big cock
Well.. I'm not.. though I wish I was. I know I'm a fucking perv lately.. but..
well. I've been horny.. and well T. called last week, and phone fucked me... god.. I love that shit from him.. he knows exactly when I'm going to cum, and he always whispers just the right words.. that help me..
Believe u, me.. I wish T. was here tonite to fuck the hell out of me.. but I wish that more than that.. sometimes.. that I didn't have such a guilty conscience... and.. well that actually has nothing to do with T., it doesn't help. I know, even when we were dating, he didn't care if I fucked someone else. That bothered me then, and well.. still bothers me. That is one thing I wonder... would of been a problem if we stayed together... but anyway.. my point..
This guy.. my sister introduced me to him, owns a game shop.. whooohooo.. and well. seems intelligent.. cool, and is fucking hot.. asked me if I'd fuck him today.. (he's close, about an hour away.. only a few minutes from my job).... then... he turns on his cam... next think i know.. he's stroking his cock.. and.. well NO i wasn't offended. It was nice, long and just the right thickness... Damn did I feel like a little slut... I enjoyed the show.. which he let me watch right thru, even though i would masterbate on cam for him. I didn't say I didn't do anything.. I at least.. had to show him... how i suck my titties.. but damn.... now I'm even more fucking hornier, and have noone to help me with my prob. I wish T. would call tonite, though I don't think he will.. he's dissappeared on me.. again.. (whats new).. though.. . I'm sure, since from what I saw of his blog, that... he was busy defeating Halo 2 (congrats btw).... Still doesn't make me miss him any less..
I know I should.. just give up, and call it quits, why.. pine over a guy, that obviously.... will never give you what you want, and doesn't even want to fucking try.. at this point... I just can't get him out of my head. I read from his blog, more things that I want to see, about who he flirts with... and I keep saying.. why isn't he here with me? I'm not good enough, I'm not sexier enough.. I'm not what he wants or needs.... So why do I torture myself like this? I cry most nites about it.. I think about him constantly, everything reminds me of him. Its just, even if he decided he wanted me.. our lifestyles are so much different.... and because of this whole thing.. I don't see us working things out .. because I'll be scared with every little conflict that he will abandon me.... and in end, that would fuck up everything, because I would share with him my feelings, and would lead back to where its at now. So why?? i ask myself again. do i keep fucking torturing myself??? I mean.. we are so different.. I'm a people person, I don't need much alone time, and he seems to always need it.. well at least I feel that way.... I'd rather be with the person I love.. being kissed and carressed.. or playing video games w/ them... rather than by myself...
So anway.. to change the subject to something more enlightening.. I really wished I didn't get such a guilt trip thing going on.. That guy.. really had a nice cock.. it was really fuckable... but unfortunately. .. I have a conscience...
and in my own reality... I only want T. ... Though... even if that's all he wants... is a good lay.. I wouldn't mind... I miss being with him... he's everything I always wanted in a husband... (when we are together).....
well. I've been horny.. and well T. called last week, and phone fucked me... god.. I love that shit from him.. he knows exactly when I'm going to cum, and he always whispers just the right words.. that help me..
Believe u, me.. I wish T. was here tonite to fuck the hell out of me.. but I wish that more than that.. sometimes.. that I didn't have such a guilty conscience... and.. well that actually has nothing to do with T., it doesn't help. I know, even when we were dating, he didn't care if I fucked someone else. That bothered me then, and well.. still bothers me. That is one thing I wonder... would of been a problem if we stayed together... but anyway.. my point..
This guy.. my sister introduced me to him, owns a game shop.. whooohooo.. and well. seems intelligent.. cool, and is fucking hot.. asked me if I'd fuck him today.. (he's close, about an hour away.. only a few minutes from my job).... then... he turns on his cam... next think i know.. he's stroking his cock.. and.. well NO i wasn't offended. It was nice, long and just the right thickness... Damn did I feel like a little slut... I enjoyed the show.. which he let me watch right thru, even though i would masterbate on cam for him. I didn't say I didn't do anything.. I at least.. had to show him... how i suck my titties.. but damn.... now I'm even more fucking hornier, and have noone to help me with my prob. I wish T. would call tonite, though I don't think he will.. he's dissappeared on me.. again.. (whats new).. though.. . I'm sure, since from what I saw of his blog, that... he was busy defeating Halo 2 (congrats btw).... Still doesn't make me miss him any less..
I know I should.. just give up, and call it quits, why.. pine over a guy, that obviously.... will never give you what you want, and doesn't even want to fucking try.. at this point... I just can't get him out of my head. I read from his blog, more things that I want to see, about who he flirts with... and I keep saying.. why isn't he here with me? I'm not good enough, I'm not sexier enough.. I'm not what he wants or needs.... So why do I torture myself like this? I cry most nites about it.. I think about him constantly, everything reminds me of him. Its just, even if he decided he wanted me.. our lifestyles are so much different.... and because of this whole thing.. I don't see us working things out .. because I'll be scared with every little conflict that he will abandon me.... and in end, that would fuck up everything, because I would share with him my feelings, and would lead back to where its at now. So why?? i ask myself again. do i keep fucking torturing myself??? I mean.. we are so different.. I'm a people person, I don't need much alone time, and he seems to always need it.. well at least I feel that way.... I'd rather be with the person I love.. being kissed and carressed.. or playing video games w/ them... rather than by myself...
So anway.. to change the subject to something more enlightening.. I really wished I didn't get such a guilt trip thing going on.. That guy.. really had a nice cock.. it was really fuckable... but unfortunately. .. I have a conscience...
and in my own reality... I only want T. ... Though... even if that's all he wants... is a good lay.. I wouldn't mind... I miss being with him... he's everything I always wanted in a husband... (when we are together).....
Saturday, November 27, 2004
FUCK
I forgot to write about how I went to the doctor's today. I'm doing ok, I think I have bronchitis or something... got some pills and shit.. something with codeine and of course a antibiotic. (the reek havic on my system).. but anyway..
THAT's not my FUCKING POINT..
I got on the scales.. ssdd, ya know.. and then she had me stand for my height... sure I LOVE to say.. I'm 5'3" though I know I'm not (in shoes I am)... but. I always thought I was 5'1 1/2" and fuck.. I'm not even that tall. What gives..?? I do like being short.. but.. I'm actually 5' 3/4".. wtf? I mean, I'm barely 5 foot, I know... being short has it's advantages, but when would 5 foot be perfect height.. maybe if he was 9 feet or something.. blah...
FUCK being short.. FUCK it all to FUCKING hell, MOTHER FUCKER..
THAT's not my FUCKING POINT..
I got on the scales.. ssdd, ya know.. and then she had me stand for my height... sure I LOVE to say.. I'm 5'3" though I know I'm not (in shoes I am)... but. I always thought I was 5'1 1/2" and fuck.. I'm not even that tall. What gives..?? I do like being short.. but.. I'm actually 5' 3/4".. wtf? I mean, I'm barely 5 foot, I know... being short has it's advantages, but when would 5 foot be perfect height.. maybe if he was 9 feet or something.. blah...
FUCK being short.. FUCK it all to FUCKING hell, MOTHER FUCKER..
OH.. and another thing..
Forgot to mention, my thoughts on T. the other nite.. I was upset, depressed, and feeling a bit suicidal... he ended up calling, prolly cuz i was being an asshole.. but of course I got cheered up...
I asked him could I could over and tickle him. he said.. something like.. "Would you fuck me instead.. "
Well duh... of course you don't have to ask me twice. He's the only one I really want, the only one... I came four times, when we had phone sex, I think thats my new record. I want him to come over, so he can make me cum.. . in person.
I want him so damn bad, in so many ways.. but is it good for me? What are his intentions? What is he really wanting from me, and why?
I asked him could I could over and tickle him. he said.. something like.. "Would you fuck me instead.. "
Well duh... of course you don't have to ask me twice. He's the only one I really want, the only one... I came four times, when we had phone sex, I think thats my new record. I want him to come over, so he can make me cum.. . in person.
I want him so damn bad, in so many ways.. but is it good for me? What are his intentions? What is he really wanting from me, and why?
The Silo Rocks...
But men still suck.
They send mixed messages, fuck with your head.... and always say things,
to give you fucked up ideas.
I know what I have to do, I know what I need to do.
But am I going to do it? Who the fuck knows.. or cares.. for that fact.
What doesn't kill me.. may make me stronger, and break my fucking heart well I'm at it.
FUCK YOU, Mother fucker, and lets go ROCK the FUCK OUT.
OH.. and though I'm not a fiery redhead, on the outside ( I still am on the inside), I'll try not to let my dark jet black hair, reflect on myself and turn me into an evilous murdering bitch.....
Or maybe I will.
They send mixed messages, fuck with your head.... and always say things,
to give you fucked up ideas.
I know what I have to do, I know what I need to do.
But am I going to do it? Who the fuck knows.. or cares.. for that fact.
What doesn't kill me.. may make me stronger, and break my fucking heart well I'm at it.
FUCK YOU, Mother fucker, and lets go ROCK the FUCK OUT.
OH.. and though I'm not a fiery redhead, on the outside ( I still am on the inside), I'll try not to let my dark jet black hair, reflect on myself and turn me into an evilous murdering bitch.....
Or maybe I will.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Wanting to post tonite..
But too tired to get into anything I wanted to write about.
Josh, Sunny and I had a good time tonite... then.. after Sunny went to bed, I had even a better time.. Josh is so attentive... and affectionate.. I like that.. (Yes, me and him are still broke up)-- He made me cum again... twice... and no.. we didn't have sex. He seems to be ok with that. I did share with him the thing about HPV, and he appreciated the fact, that I respected him enough to act like that. And now he understands why I don't want to have sex.
Plus, though I need the company, and the affection, it makes me feel good.... times like now, after Josh is gone, and home... makes me want T. more. I love the way I felt in his arms.. I loved falling asleep... naked.. after making love... I felt so safe... so loved, so comforted. Its something that I wouldn't mind having every nite for the rest of my life, though, I'm completely scared.. . that I never will.
Josh, Sunny and I had a good time tonite... then.. after Sunny went to bed, I had even a better time.. Josh is so attentive... and affectionate.. I like that.. (Yes, me and him are still broke up)-- He made me cum again... twice... and no.. we didn't have sex. He seems to be ok with that. I did share with him the thing about HPV, and he appreciated the fact, that I respected him enough to act like that. And now he understands why I don't want to have sex.
Plus, though I need the company, and the affection, it makes me feel good.... times like now, after Josh is gone, and home... makes me want T. more. I love the way I felt in his arms.. I loved falling asleep... naked.. after making love... I felt so safe... so loved, so comforted. Its something that I wouldn't mind having every nite for the rest of my life, though, I'm completely scared.. . that I never will.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
OCD, and my Borderline Habits...
I dunno if that is what this even has to do with. I can't stop thinking of T. (OCD--well maybe) its not obsessive, just.. I wish we were sharing our lives together. I want him. The more I meet other creeps, the more I want him. The more I meet nice guys, the more I want him, T.... that is. Why? Why can't I move on? Our relationship really wasn't that long. So why is a piece of my heart missing? Why?
A relationship is about compromise right? So why did I have to say.. "OH, T. I don't think you can give me what I need." Why did he have to agree, and go with that.. for the basis of dumping me.
I want him to call me and tell me he hates me.. and to leave him alone.
He was talking with me about this girl thats his friend, that he was getting hot and heavy with... a month or so ago. I tried to talk and be nice... but it hurt. It hurt more when he told me... what made him happy.. lately.... the normal... then he said.. that she made him happy.
Why can't I just be normal. Why do I have so much drama? Why can't I make him happy... .. why doesn't he want to be with me? Why? I just want to understand, and it really kills me that he doesnt.
I love him, I thought he loved me... but.. love is never enough.. there are always other things that need to be faced... and I don't know why... it has to be this way.
A relationship is about compromise right? So why did I have to say.. "OH, T. I don't think you can give me what I need." Why did he have to agree, and go with that.. for the basis of dumping me.
I want him to call me and tell me he hates me.. and to leave him alone.
He was talking with me about this girl thats his friend, that he was getting hot and heavy with... a month or so ago. I tried to talk and be nice... but it hurt. It hurt more when he told me... what made him happy.. lately.... the normal... then he said.. that she made him happy.
Why can't I just be normal. Why do I have so much drama? Why can't I make him happy... .. why doesn't he want to be with me? Why? I just want to understand, and it really kills me that he doesnt.
I love him, I thought he loved me... but.. love is never enough.. there are always other things that need to be faced... and I don't know why... it has to be this way.
Friday, November 19, 2004
Well..
Update...
I still love T. Madly.. deeply.. madly.. deeply..
Did I say deeply???
Broke up with Josh, he agreed, that its better we are friends, and that he was thinking the same thing.
I came twice last nite... I really needed that, and wanted that so bad, for so long, thanks, again.. u know who you are... that helped me.
Depression, is subsiding for the most part, I still feel.. blah, but work is going better... no crying. with the exception of the pain from me stapleing my hand. I did have a few tears.... and sometimes, I get some hard calls, but nothing that set me off lately..
And I have alot to ponder. Why do I hate everything? Why do I think I hate everything... cuz I really love alot of things.. but why do I bitch so much? Why does life have to be this way? Why was I born? Why can't T. and I be together..... Does he really love me? or does he just think he does?
Why does this thing with EPB.. have to be so hard.. I felt like I was talking to a customer on the phone. He called me the other nite, threatening suicide..and told me he had cut himself. I didn't know what to do, I hadn't talked to him in months.. i got an email a few days after.. from his best friend Megan.. saying. . he was ok, but in the nut ward....
What to do . what to do? Heading up north to pick up my.. sis... Can't wait!!
Almost thanksgiving.. I'm thankful.. I have a day off..
and that I can be with my daughter, and some of my family and that my car is fixed.. and that T. .. is still part of my life, and that I have good friends, Like... LISA.... Mike.... Michel, ((TRUTH)), Drew, and well. .. i'm sure i missed someone. and i'm sorry if i did.. but I LOVE YOU TOO!!
What are you thankful for? Would love to see people responses...
I still love T. Madly.. deeply.. madly.. deeply..
Did I say deeply???
Broke up with Josh, he agreed, that its better we are friends, and that he was thinking the same thing.
I came twice last nite... I really needed that, and wanted that so bad, for so long, thanks, again.. u know who you are... that helped me.
Depression, is subsiding for the most part, I still feel.. blah, but work is going better... no crying. with the exception of the pain from me stapleing my hand. I did have a few tears.... and sometimes, I get some hard calls, but nothing that set me off lately..
And I have alot to ponder. Why do I hate everything? Why do I think I hate everything... cuz I really love alot of things.. but why do I bitch so much? Why does life have to be this way? Why was I born? Why can't T. and I be together..... Does he really love me? or does he just think he does?
Why does this thing with EPB.. have to be so hard.. I felt like I was talking to a customer on the phone. He called me the other nite, threatening suicide..and told me he had cut himself. I didn't know what to do, I hadn't talked to him in months.. i got an email a few days after.. from his best friend Megan.. saying. . he was ok, but in the nut ward....
What to do . what to do? Heading up north to pick up my.. sis... Can't wait!!
Almost thanksgiving.. I'm thankful.. I have a day off..
and that I can be with my daughter, and some of my family and that my car is fixed.. and that T. .. is still part of my life, and that I have good friends, Like... LISA.... Mike.... Michel, ((TRUTH)), Drew, and well. .. i'm sure i missed someone. and i'm sorry if i did.. but I LOVE YOU TOO!!
What are you thankful for? Would love to see people responses...
Thursday, November 18, 2004
DO YOU.......
have tape worms?
and
schizophrenia?
OR
Do you have tapes worms and schizophrenia...
or is.. it just that I hurt your feelings, and you want to kill yourself?
or is.. it that you just can't commit?
or is...it that you just don't want to?
or is... it that you are too immature, selfish or stubborn?
OR.... did I do something wrong again?
and
schizophrenia?
OR
Do you have tapes worms and schizophrenia...
or is.. it just that I hurt your feelings, and you want to kill yourself?
or is.. it that you just can't commit?
or is...it that you just don't want to?
or is... it that you are too immature, selfish or stubborn?
OR.... did I do something wrong again?
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Relationships
(from Tickle Marriage.com)
Julie, the thing you need most in a relationship is Connection and Partnership
Intimacy, especially highly intense intimacy, can be very hard for some to manage, but for you it is ideal. Even though you recognize that it may require some flexibility to make it work, you know that the feeling of being intimately connected is worth the extra effort. You want the level of emotional intimacy to continue to grow in your relationship, and therefore you will remain flexible so as to not compromise your closeness as you go through changes and different stages together.
There are 2 overarching themes that determine the kind of relationship you ultimately desire: the kind of intimacy you want to have with your partner, and the amount of flexibility you want to have within your relationship.
But as concepts, "intimacy" and "flexibility" might seem too broad and vague to fully comprehend. Because of this, psychologists have broken them down into subscales that will help you understand more clearly what intimacy and flexibility really mean for you in the context of a relationship.
The kind of intimacy you want is determined by three subscales: the kind of support you want, the depth of connection you want, and the amount of sharing you'd like to do with your partner.
The amount of flexibility you want is also determined by three subscales: who's in control of the relationship, how much do you want you and your partner to grow with one another, and how many formal rules or guidelines do you want to establish in your relationship.
When taken as a whole, all of these scales together help identify the relationship best suited for you, they determine your ideal relationship.
Read on to understand more about them, and to see how you scored on all of them.
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Intimacy
Your ideal relationship involves a high level of intimacy. Basically, intimacy describes the level of emotional closeness that you desire in your ideal relationship. More specifically, when it's broken down, the level of intimacy you desire is determined by three distinct ideals: how much support you need, the depth of connection that you desire, and the amount of sharing you want to do with your partner. These three elements of intimacy — support, depth of connection, and sharing — are described below. But generally what this means is you desire a relationship in which you give and receive a lot of support and in which you feel intimately bonded with your partner. You believe this will create a high level of trust and respect in the relationship. You also want your partner and you to be able to openly share your experiences and feelings with one another.
As indicated earlier, your intimacy score is composed of three parts: support, depth of emotional connection, and levels of sharing. Given its complexity, intimacy can look quite different from one relationship to the next. You can get a better idea of what makes you more or less of an intimacy-seeker by looking further into these three aspects of intimacy.
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Support
Supportiveness is characterized by the level of acceptance you have of one another's flaws, the fairness of your interactions, as well as the level of respect and trust you have for one another. These traits vary depending on your personalities and how strongly you feel about one another.
In your case you desire a very strong level of support in your ideal relationship. You believe that if you can be trusting and respectful towards one another, it will permeate everything the two of you do together. You are accepting and warm, generous with one another, and determined to be fair.
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Depth of Connection
Depth of Connection refers exactly to the level of connectedness in a relationship. When you're deeply connected with someone, you're sensitive to the time you spend together and the frequency with which you are together. At this level of connection, any change in your bond can be disruptive. Depth of connection also refers to the degree to which each of you strive to accept and understand one another as a unique individual. Lastly, depth of connection also involves how much communication you desire and the amount of unity you want in your relationship; some couples remain more separate than others even though they are committed to the relationship, while others prefer such a close merger that the two people effectively become one.
In your case your ideal relationship has a high level of depth. Your ideal relationship would have you so joined at the hip that any time spent apart might at times feel intolerable. You enjoy getting to know everything you can about your romantic partner — who they are and what they want in the relationship. It's important to you to spend almost all of your time together so that there is a sense of security in the relationship. With this level of depth, it can be somewhat threatening when separation appears likely or imminent. But the joy of being deeply and intimately connected is a stronger force than is the threat of losing that person.
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Sharing
People share many things in a relationship. You may share some aspects of yourself and not others. Or it might be very important to you to share everything. How much sharing you desire depends on your need for privacy as well as how well you want to understand life from another person's perspective. Sharing means telling each other about what you're thinking and feeling, the life decisions you're trying to make, your dreams and hopes, as well as your past experiences. Disclosing these things is more comfortable for some than it is for others.
In your case your ideal relationship is full of sharing. You want to know your partner's dreams, thoughts, feelings, aspirations, hopes, past experiences — the list is really endless. And you want to share the same with them. This level of disclosure and intimacy is what makes a relationship complete for you — your ideal relationship, at least. You want to share your life with your partner as fully as you can. For you, that means building a partnership where you can be honest with what you are feeling and where there are no surprises jumping out at you as a result of your partner failing to fully share with you.
Now let's look at the second dimension that helps determine the shape your ideal relationship should take.
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Flexibility
Your ideal relationship also involves a high level of flexibility. Flexibility refers to many different things, including your willingness to grow with your romantic partner over time, both as they change as well as when you change. Flexibility indicates your tolerance for weathering storms and for enduring those difficult challenges in life that arise. It also includes the balance of control in your ideal relationship -- the more that either party is controlling the relationship, the less flexibility there is. We will delve into each of these aspects later sections of this report. But generally what it means for you is your ideal relationship has an even balance of control between you and your partner, can weather and tolerate change well, and is free from any overly restrictive rules, guidelines, and so forth — you are each allowed a considerable amount of freedom and breathing room in your relationship.
Now let's take a closer look at various aspects of your flexibility score. For this test, your overall flexibility score is determined by three subscores: control, growth, and formality. You can get a better idea of what makes you more or less of a flexibility-seeker by looking further into these three areas and by seeing how you measure up on the different scales.
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Control
Control is determined by evaluating several different aspects of the power balance in a relationship. First is something called "locus of control," which essentially indicates whether or not you feel that you have some hand in steering the direction of your relationship. Obviously it takes two to tango in a relationship, but that doesn't always mean that each of you have an equal feeling of control. For example, does one of you tend to always get blamed when something goes awry while the other receives every bit of credit when all is well? Another aspect is the authority you assume or want others to have over you — do you like to take charge in a relationship or do you like your partner to have the reins? Lastly, control involves the division of responsibilities that each party in a relationship is willing to take on. Essentially, do you want to handle all of the tasks in your relationship or would you prefer for your partner to do almost everything for you?
In your case you like to be in control, to dictate what is done, and are comfortable making decisions that affect the both of you. You are willing to take responsibility and be accountable for both what goes wrong and what goes right. Overall you are the power holder in your ideal relationship.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Growth
Your desire for growth with your romantic partner is the second area that contributes to the overall flexibility dimension. Desire for growth varies greatly from person to person and is dependent on several different things. First, growth is assessed by your willingness to weather the changes in your relationship and by how much change you are comfortable and capable of enduring. This aspect gives an indication of just how much you would be willing to sacrifice in order to stay in a relationship that is working for you. Are you out the door at the first sign of danger or are you willing to take the changes in stride so that you can stay together? When your partner goes through hard times, will you be there when they emerge from their slump? All of this is indicated in your growth results.
In your case your ideal relationship is very strong and committed to growth. Regardless of the changes that you may face, you will stick together. You are willing to sacrifice a lot for one another and for what you think is right. No problem is too big for you to deal with together— you are committed to doing everything you can to work things through.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Formality
Formality is third component of the flexibility dimension. It indicates the degree to which you desire a structure and a set of guidelines to govern your relationship. Rules are the biggest part of formality and where you can see the most notable differences between partners — some people run their personal lives as a business and others operate as a free-for-all. Depending on the level of guidelines, rules, and conventions you are comfortable with, your formality score will vary.
In your case your ideal relationship is pretty formal. You believe in rules and regulations — not just for work or school, but for home too. With structure you are at your best and your relationship is more apt to thrive. Others might view your desire for formality as a little too rigid or structured, but for you, this is entirely comfortable. The trick is in finding someone who shares these same ideals and who knows that it is possible to become close even within a formal structure.
At this point, you should have a really clear picture of what your ideal relationship looks like. This in-depth understanding of what you value should be helpful to you as you continue the quest for your life partner. After all, if you know what you want, you are more likely to recognize it when you see it.
But, once you find your mate, it is likely that you will hit some bumps in the road — after all, it is rare relationship that doesn't have some difficulties. As such, we want to give you some personal insight and tools that can help you avert relationship problems and pave the road for a smooth relationship ride.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Problems You Might Encounter
Every relationship has problems, so you should come to expect some difficulties and do what you can to prepare for them — without also driving yourself crazy trying to stop bad things from happening. Depending on your relationship style, there are some particular problems that you are most likely to experience in your ideal relationship. You may not be able to prevent these problems from happening altogether, but when they do strike, perhaps you will be able to solve them more quickly.
Ultimately, with enough practice, you will be able to spot problematic patterns that are inherent to your relationship style and even anticipate them before they happen. That way you can keep your relationship in tip-top shape. After all, we all know that the ideal relationship is hard to come by. But with an understanding of your personal relationship style, creating a relationship closer to your ideal is well within your reach.
As you recall, your ideal relationship style is characterized by a sense of Connection and Partnership. You tend to want high levels of both intimacy and flexibility in your romantic relationships. You are drawn toward passion and intensity and therefore you need to make sure that you have someone as hungry for this as you are. You are also really committed and willing to go the extra mile to keep your relationship strong — of course, you expect the same perseverance from your partner.
The only problem that can occur in this relationship style is when one of you really needs the other to conform to their needs or give more than normal. Because you desire a healthy balance of power and flexibility in your ideal relationship, it may be hard to adapt when these levels shifts. The way to deal with this is to recognize that this doesn't necessarily reflect an underlying flaw in your relationship nor does it necessarily mean that you aren't suited for one another anymore. If you notice this happening, be steadfast in building your connection and don't let the intimacy wane. If you remain connected and close while you're struggling through changes, you will be in a far better position to decide whether this person and your relationship are a good fit for you.
Now that you have some actionable information for how to avoid the potential pitfalls of your relationship style, let's take a look at how committed you are to finding true love.
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Your Desire for Commitment
In the Ideal Relationship test, we asked about your interest in long-term love and your willingness to commit in general. From your answers, Tickle has generated your commitment level score. This is based on your ideas about long-term relationships, ever-lasting love, and how focused on finding a partner you personally think you are.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you scored 9.
As you could probably guess, there really is no right or wrong answer to what constitutes the perfect level of commitment. What matters most is what feels best for you at this moment and that you are clear with yourself about what you want before you throw your efforts into a relationship.
No matter the level of commitment you desire, it is usually best to communicate what you want upfront. However, this is easier-said-than-done, because most of the time people don't have the benefit of knowing where they really fall on the commitment spectrum until it becomes clear later on in a relationship.
You may think that you have no interest in a serious relationship — and then one day you meet that spectacular someone. Or the reverse may occur and you may suddenly realize that you really don't want a relationship after all. Fear is one huge obstacle to a commitment, whether it's something a person realizes they have or not, and it can derail what could be an ideal relationship. Given that commitment desires are hard to pinpoint, even in yourself, it's a good idea to at least try to align goals for the relationship and to get straight with your partner on your general feelings about love.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Relationships that Work
What works in a relationship can vary greatly from one couple to the next. After all, each individual has unique needs so there couldn't possibly be one secret formula for creating a perfect relationship for everyone. However, research does show that there are patterns that tend to lead more often to mutually satisfying, pleasurable and steady relationships.
You can look at your ideal relationship qualities as examined in this report and compare them to the qualities that have been shown to be characteristic of relationships that work. Based on this comparison you can decide whether the ideal relationship in your head is the one you want to keep for all time, or whether you'd like to bend it a bit to match more of what has been shown to work for others. Granted, what works for others might not work for you, so in the end, you may to need to simply listen to your gut and follow your heart.
10 ways to make your relationship more successful:
1. Make sure you want to be in a relationship and that the person you are with
is right for you.
2. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt — assume that they are trying
their best to make you happy and are acting with your best interests in mind.
3. Be a little flexible in terms of how much closeness and togetherness you need.
4. Learn how to communicate in ways that will promote your relationship and
build closeness and understanding between you. For example, show respect,
not criticism.
5. Learn how to love yourself and how to be in touch with your own emotions —
don't deny or suppress what you may be feeling or thinking.
6. Find ways to keep the passion in your relationship alive.
7. Learn to tolerate adversity and stress.
8. Experience life together as an adventure.
9. Accept each other's idiosyncrasies when it comes to sex — working it out can
only maximize pleasure.
10. Take time out of each day to grow your relationship together.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I find this to be really true. It makes me want to be with T. more. And I understand my desire more to make things work. But I guess when you look at it like this, he doesn't have the commitment to make it work, and he wouldn't be right for me in the long run... because he couldn't stick around now...
Either way.. it still hurts... I still love him, and I still want him. I wish every nite, that he was with me.. in my arms. Last nite, he was really sweet, and I wish he really meant what he said...
I was really upset last nite, and crying.. and hurting, feeling suicidal.. and he said... he wished he could be here to hold me.. that he wished he could do more.. and he said. something about... you should of called me earlier.. I would of came over.. I wish.. If I called him every time I wanted to be with him, he'd consider me a stalker and have me arrested. Every time I get the urge to call, I try to talk myself out of it, cuz it just causes me heartache when I don't hear back from him. I love him so much, and it wasn't supposed to be this way.. he told me he wanted to marry me... I believed it.. I believed that one day.. we'd be together.. I believed that I was important to him.. and that he loved me....
now.. I'm just lost, and don't know what to believe. My daughter loves him so much, I love him so much... Its so hard for me to deal with the pain I've caused him, the fact that I was smothering him..
I don't know how to deal with this..
I just want to curl up in a ball and die....
Julie, the thing you need most in a relationship is Connection and Partnership
Intimacy, especially highly intense intimacy, can be very hard for some to manage, but for you it is ideal. Even though you recognize that it may require some flexibility to make it work, you know that the feeling of being intimately connected is worth the extra effort. You want the level of emotional intimacy to continue to grow in your relationship, and therefore you will remain flexible so as to not compromise your closeness as you go through changes and different stages together.
There are 2 overarching themes that determine the kind of relationship you ultimately desire: the kind of intimacy you want to have with your partner, and the amount of flexibility you want to have within your relationship.
But as concepts, "intimacy" and "flexibility" might seem too broad and vague to fully comprehend. Because of this, psychologists have broken them down into subscales that will help you understand more clearly what intimacy and flexibility really mean for you in the context of a relationship.
The kind of intimacy you want is determined by three subscales: the kind of support you want, the depth of connection you want, and the amount of sharing you'd like to do with your partner.
The amount of flexibility you want is also determined by three subscales: who's in control of the relationship, how much do you want you and your partner to grow with one another, and how many formal rules or guidelines do you want to establish in your relationship.
When taken as a whole, all of these scales together help identify the relationship best suited for you, they determine your ideal relationship.
Read on to understand more about them, and to see how you scored on all of them.
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Intimacy
Your ideal relationship involves a high level of intimacy. Basically, intimacy describes the level of emotional closeness that you desire in your ideal relationship. More specifically, when it's broken down, the level of intimacy you desire is determined by three distinct ideals: how much support you need, the depth of connection that you desire, and the amount of sharing you want to do with your partner. These three elements of intimacy — support, depth of connection, and sharing — are described below. But generally what this means is you desire a relationship in which you give and receive a lot of support and in which you feel intimately bonded with your partner. You believe this will create a high level of trust and respect in the relationship. You also want your partner and you to be able to openly share your experiences and feelings with one another.
As indicated earlier, your intimacy score is composed of three parts: support, depth of emotional connection, and levels of sharing. Given its complexity, intimacy can look quite different from one relationship to the next. You can get a better idea of what makes you more or less of an intimacy-seeker by looking further into these three aspects of intimacy.
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Support
Supportiveness is characterized by the level of acceptance you have of one another's flaws, the fairness of your interactions, as well as the level of respect and trust you have for one another. These traits vary depending on your personalities and how strongly you feel about one another.
In your case you desire a very strong level of support in your ideal relationship. You believe that if you can be trusting and respectful towards one another, it will permeate everything the two of you do together. You are accepting and warm, generous with one another, and determined to be fair.
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Depth of Connection
Depth of Connection refers exactly to the level of connectedness in a relationship. When you're deeply connected with someone, you're sensitive to the time you spend together and the frequency with which you are together. At this level of connection, any change in your bond can be disruptive. Depth of connection also refers to the degree to which each of you strive to accept and understand one another as a unique individual. Lastly, depth of connection also involves how much communication you desire and the amount of unity you want in your relationship; some couples remain more separate than others even though they are committed to the relationship, while others prefer such a close merger that the two people effectively become one.
In your case your ideal relationship has a high level of depth. Your ideal relationship would have you so joined at the hip that any time spent apart might at times feel intolerable. You enjoy getting to know everything you can about your romantic partner — who they are and what they want in the relationship. It's important to you to spend almost all of your time together so that there is a sense of security in the relationship. With this level of depth, it can be somewhat threatening when separation appears likely or imminent. But the joy of being deeply and intimately connected is a stronger force than is the threat of losing that person.
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Sharing
People share many things in a relationship. You may share some aspects of yourself and not others. Or it might be very important to you to share everything. How much sharing you desire depends on your need for privacy as well as how well you want to understand life from another person's perspective. Sharing means telling each other about what you're thinking and feeling, the life decisions you're trying to make, your dreams and hopes, as well as your past experiences. Disclosing these things is more comfortable for some than it is for others.
In your case your ideal relationship is full of sharing. You want to know your partner's dreams, thoughts, feelings, aspirations, hopes, past experiences — the list is really endless. And you want to share the same with them. This level of disclosure and intimacy is what makes a relationship complete for you — your ideal relationship, at least. You want to share your life with your partner as fully as you can. For you, that means building a partnership where you can be honest with what you are feeling and where there are no surprises jumping out at you as a result of your partner failing to fully share with you.
Now let's look at the second dimension that helps determine the shape your ideal relationship should take.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flexibility
Your ideal relationship also involves a high level of flexibility. Flexibility refers to many different things, including your willingness to grow with your romantic partner over time, both as they change as well as when you change. Flexibility indicates your tolerance for weathering storms and for enduring those difficult challenges in life that arise. It also includes the balance of control in your ideal relationship -- the more that either party is controlling the relationship, the less flexibility there is. We will delve into each of these aspects later sections of this report. But generally what it means for you is your ideal relationship has an even balance of control between you and your partner, can weather and tolerate change well, and is free from any overly restrictive rules, guidelines, and so forth — you are each allowed a considerable amount of freedom and breathing room in your relationship.
Now let's take a closer look at various aspects of your flexibility score. For this test, your overall flexibility score is determined by three subscores: control, growth, and formality. You can get a better idea of what makes you more or less of a flexibility-seeker by looking further into these three areas and by seeing how you measure up on the different scales.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Control
Control is determined by evaluating several different aspects of the power balance in a relationship. First is something called "locus of control," which essentially indicates whether or not you feel that you have some hand in steering the direction of your relationship. Obviously it takes two to tango in a relationship, but that doesn't always mean that each of you have an equal feeling of control. For example, does one of you tend to always get blamed when something goes awry while the other receives every bit of credit when all is well? Another aspect is the authority you assume or want others to have over you — do you like to take charge in a relationship or do you like your partner to have the reins? Lastly, control involves the division of responsibilities that each party in a relationship is willing to take on. Essentially, do you want to handle all of the tasks in your relationship or would you prefer for your partner to do almost everything for you?
In your case you like to be in control, to dictate what is done, and are comfortable making decisions that affect the both of you. You are willing to take responsibility and be accountable for both what goes wrong and what goes right. Overall you are the power holder in your ideal relationship.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Growth
Your desire for growth with your romantic partner is the second area that contributes to the overall flexibility dimension. Desire for growth varies greatly from person to person and is dependent on several different things. First, growth is assessed by your willingness to weather the changes in your relationship and by how much change you are comfortable and capable of enduring. This aspect gives an indication of just how much you would be willing to sacrifice in order to stay in a relationship that is working for you. Are you out the door at the first sign of danger or are you willing to take the changes in stride so that you can stay together? When your partner goes through hard times, will you be there when they emerge from their slump? All of this is indicated in your growth results.
In your case your ideal relationship is very strong and committed to growth. Regardless of the changes that you may face, you will stick together. You are willing to sacrifice a lot for one another and for what you think is right. No problem is too big for you to deal with together— you are committed to doing everything you can to work things through.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Formality
Formality is third component of the flexibility dimension. It indicates the degree to which you desire a structure and a set of guidelines to govern your relationship. Rules are the biggest part of formality and where you can see the most notable differences between partners — some people run their personal lives as a business and others operate as a free-for-all. Depending on the level of guidelines, rules, and conventions you are comfortable with, your formality score will vary.
In your case your ideal relationship is pretty formal. You believe in rules and regulations — not just for work or school, but for home too. With structure you are at your best and your relationship is more apt to thrive. Others might view your desire for formality as a little too rigid or structured, but for you, this is entirely comfortable. The trick is in finding someone who shares these same ideals and who knows that it is possible to become close even within a formal structure.
At this point, you should have a really clear picture of what your ideal relationship looks like. This in-depth understanding of what you value should be helpful to you as you continue the quest for your life partner. After all, if you know what you want, you are more likely to recognize it when you see it.
But, once you find your mate, it is likely that you will hit some bumps in the road — after all, it is rare relationship that doesn't have some difficulties. As such, we want to give you some personal insight and tools that can help you avert relationship problems and pave the road for a smooth relationship ride.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Problems You Might Encounter
Every relationship has problems, so you should come to expect some difficulties and do what you can to prepare for them — without also driving yourself crazy trying to stop bad things from happening. Depending on your relationship style, there are some particular problems that you are most likely to experience in your ideal relationship. You may not be able to prevent these problems from happening altogether, but when they do strike, perhaps you will be able to solve them more quickly.
Ultimately, with enough practice, you will be able to spot problematic patterns that are inherent to your relationship style and even anticipate them before they happen. That way you can keep your relationship in tip-top shape. After all, we all know that the ideal relationship is hard to come by. But with an understanding of your personal relationship style, creating a relationship closer to your ideal is well within your reach.
As you recall, your ideal relationship style is characterized by a sense of Connection and Partnership. You tend to want high levels of both intimacy and flexibility in your romantic relationships. You are drawn toward passion and intensity and therefore you need to make sure that you have someone as hungry for this as you are. You are also really committed and willing to go the extra mile to keep your relationship strong — of course, you expect the same perseverance from your partner.
The only problem that can occur in this relationship style is when one of you really needs the other to conform to their needs or give more than normal. Because you desire a healthy balance of power and flexibility in your ideal relationship, it may be hard to adapt when these levels shifts. The way to deal with this is to recognize that this doesn't necessarily reflect an underlying flaw in your relationship nor does it necessarily mean that you aren't suited for one another anymore. If you notice this happening, be steadfast in building your connection and don't let the intimacy wane. If you remain connected and close while you're struggling through changes, you will be in a far better position to decide whether this person and your relationship are a good fit for you.
Now that you have some actionable information for how to avoid the potential pitfalls of your relationship style, let's take a look at how committed you are to finding true love.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your Desire for Commitment
In the Ideal Relationship test, we asked about your interest in long-term love and your willingness to commit in general. From your answers, Tickle has generated your commitment level score. This is based on your ideas about long-term relationships, ever-lasting love, and how focused on finding a partner you personally think you are.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you scored 9.
As you could probably guess, there really is no right or wrong answer to what constitutes the perfect level of commitment. What matters most is what feels best for you at this moment and that you are clear with yourself about what you want before you throw your efforts into a relationship.
No matter the level of commitment you desire, it is usually best to communicate what you want upfront. However, this is easier-said-than-done, because most of the time people don't have the benefit of knowing where they really fall on the commitment spectrum until it becomes clear later on in a relationship.
You may think that you have no interest in a serious relationship — and then one day you meet that spectacular someone. Or the reverse may occur and you may suddenly realize that you really don't want a relationship after all. Fear is one huge obstacle to a commitment, whether it's something a person realizes they have or not, and it can derail what could be an ideal relationship. Given that commitment desires are hard to pinpoint, even in yourself, it's a good idea to at least try to align goals for the relationship and to get straight with your partner on your general feelings about love.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Relationships that Work
What works in a relationship can vary greatly from one couple to the next. After all, each individual has unique needs so there couldn't possibly be one secret formula for creating a perfect relationship for everyone. However, research does show that there are patterns that tend to lead more often to mutually satisfying, pleasurable and steady relationships.
You can look at your ideal relationship qualities as examined in this report and compare them to the qualities that have been shown to be characteristic of relationships that work. Based on this comparison you can decide whether the ideal relationship in your head is the one you want to keep for all time, or whether you'd like to bend it a bit to match more of what has been shown to work for others. Granted, what works for others might not work for you, so in the end, you may to need to simply listen to your gut and follow your heart.
10 ways to make your relationship more successful:
1. Make sure you want to be in a relationship and that the person you are with
is right for you.
2. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt — assume that they are trying
their best to make you happy and are acting with your best interests in mind.
3. Be a little flexible in terms of how much closeness and togetherness you need.
4. Learn how to communicate in ways that will promote your relationship and
build closeness and understanding between you. For example, show respect,
not criticism.
5. Learn how to love yourself and how to be in touch with your own emotions —
don't deny or suppress what you may be feeling or thinking.
6. Find ways to keep the passion in your relationship alive.
7. Learn to tolerate adversity and stress.
8. Experience life together as an adventure.
9. Accept each other's idiosyncrasies when it comes to sex — working it out can
only maximize pleasure.
10. Take time out of each day to grow your relationship together.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I find this to be really true. It makes me want to be with T. more. And I understand my desire more to make things work. But I guess when you look at it like this, he doesn't have the commitment to make it work, and he wouldn't be right for me in the long run... because he couldn't stick around now...
Either way.. it still hurts... I still love him, and I still want him. I wish every nite, that he was with me.. in my arms. Last nite, he was really sweet, and I wish he really meant what he said...
I was really upset last nite, and crying.. and hurting, feeling suicidal.. and he said... he wished he could be here to hold me.. that he wished he could do more.. and he said. something about... you should of called me earlier.. I would of came over.. I wish.. If I called him every time I wanted to be with him, he'd consider me a stalker and have me arrested. Every time I get the urge to call, I try to talk myself out of it, cuz it just causes me heartache when I don't hear back from him. I love him so much, and it wasn't supposed to be this way.. he told me he wanted to marry me... I believed it.. I believed that one day.. we'd be together.. I believed that I was important to him.. and that he loved me....
now.. I'm just lost, and don't know what to believe. My daughter loves him so much, I love him so much... Its so hard for me to deal with the pain I've caused him, the fact that I was smothering him..
I don't know how to deal with this..
I just want to curl up in a ball and die....
Dying
I've been thinking about it a lot lately...
I'm afraid..
I'm scared. Each time I've gotten closer. What is their to stop me now?
Nothing... not a damn fucking thing.
I have a bf, but he wouldn't notice, he'd just think I was busy, or maybe even mad at him.. for not spending enough time with me. T. wouldn't miss me for days.. either would Lisa....
My family back home wouldn't miss me till Sally told me something.. and if I did it at the right time, Sally wouldn't miss me for 12 hours or so.. its just a matter of timing...
As is everything... in life.. and in death...
Then there is R., I meet him today.. He's nice... and sweet. and treated me well, just a little too agressive, and couldn't understand why I wouldnt' kiss him (duh!! i have a bf)...... He mite be the only one that would miss me.. first.. He said he worries about the things I say sometimes... and I don't blame him...
But.. noone on this earth deserves to be with me.. it would be like a life spent in hell.... .. So I guess I know why I spend my nites home alone crying...
I guess noone says it better than Nirvana, " I hate myself and want to die.."
I'm afraid..
I'm scared. Each time I've gotten closer. What is their to stop me now?
Nothing... not a damn fucking thing.
I have a bf, but he wouldn't notice, he'd just think I was busy, or maybe even mad at him.. for not spending enough time with me. T. wouldn't miss me for days.. either would Lisa....
My family back home wouldn't miss me till Sally told me something.. and if I did it at the right time, Sally wouldn't miss me for 12 hours or so.. its just a matter of timing...
As is everything... in life.. and in death...
Then there is R., I meet him today.. He's nice... and sweet. and treated me well, just a little too agressive, and couldn't understand why I wouldnt' kiss him (duh!! i have a bf)...... He mite be the only one that would miss me.. first.. He said he worries about the things I say sometimes... and I don't blame him...
But.. noone on this earth deserves to be with me.. it would be like a life spent in hell.... .. So I guess I know why I spend my nites home alone crying...
I guess noone says it better than Nirvana, " I hate myself and want to die.."
Saturday, November 13, 2004
§~ FUCKING TIRED
Current mood: aggravated
§~ FUCKING TIRED
T'rd of hearing e'erbodies shit about what they think of me.
Shove it up your ass. If I'm crying, fucking let me cry. If I feel like I want to die, let me die. You don't know me... I don't really know you, we aren't really friends in the good sense of the word, so FUCK OFF.
Yes.. I'm high strung, yes I worry-- alot.... but YOU are NOT ME, and have no right to judge, or criticize.
I have my own little world, and it is separate from yours. I stay in the only place I belong.
§~ FUCKING TIRED
T'rd of hearing e'erbodies shit about what they think of me.
Shove it up your ass. If I'm crying, fucking let me cry. If I feel like I want to die, let me die. You don't know me... I don't really know you, we aren't really friends in the good sense of the word, so FUCK OFF.
Yes.. I'm high strung, yes I worry-- alot.... but YOU are NOT ME, and have no right to judge, or criticize.
I have my own little world, and it is separate from yours. I stay in the only place I belong.
Death, Dying, and the Deeper Destruction
Pain fills me..
I don't know what will take it away. Death, maybe... only...
"GOD" supposedly knows that. Who is GOD? What does he want with us?
Does he enjoy seeing us suffer? Does he understand the irony he causes with
his existence? I have faith in what I know, in what I see, in myself...
not in something thats only cause hurt in the world.. something that really has no good.
I think about dying. The plans come to my head again. How long can I block them out, before they are bad, stronger than ever? What drugs can I take to numb the pain, a cigarette, a beer, so Ativan.. Prozac? Zoloft? Ultracet? Imitrex? How many can I get ahold of and save in the next few months. How many would it take to really kill me. Apparently 12 won't do it, so I need at least 3 months supply. I better get a gun too, just in case. That is where the Ativan comes in, my courage in a bottle.
It will only be a few months... and then this pain, this wretched thing people call life will be over for me. It brings relief, that I have a goal in mind. Sick I know, a goal to end it all.. but... at least I have direction.
I don't know why I write this. Maybe a call for help. Maybe I don't want to die. Maybe I really do. I just like to have my goals in writing, and though many will read this, it won't really effect anything in my life. Because I know, in my heart, even the people that give a shit, can't do anything.. because.. A. they don't know what to do. B. they are too busy with their lifes, and C. because they don't think I'm serious.
Well, the 3rd time is a charm they say....
May, August, and I figure by Feb...
So there comes an interesting pattern... May.. 20 (I think), 3 months later, August 20th, and... in seven days... is November 20- three months from my last suicide attempt. I wonder if that means something.
I don't know what will take it away. Death, maybe... only...
"GOD" supposedly knows that. Who is GOD? What does he want with us?
Does he enjoy seeing us suffer? Does he understand the irony he causes with
his existence? I have faith in what I know, in what I see, in myself...
not in something thats only cause hurt in the world.. something that really has no good.
I think about dying. The plans come to my head again. How long can I block them out, before they are bad, stronger than ever? What drugs can I take to numb the pain, a cigarette, a beer, so Ativan.. Prozac? Zoloft? Ultracet? Imitrex? How many can I get ahold of and save in the next few months. How many would it take to really kill me. Apparently 12 won't do it, so I need at least 3 months supply. I better get a gun too, just in case. That is where the Ativan comes in, my courage in a bottle.
It will only be a few months... and then this pain, this wretched thing people call life will be over for me. It brings relief, that I have a goal in mind. Sick I know, a goal to end it all.. but... at least I have direction.
I don't know why I write this. Maybe a call for help. Maybe I don't want to die. Maybe I really do. I just like to have my goals in writing, and though many will read this, it won't really effect anything in my life. Because I know, in my heart, even the people that give a shit, can't do anything.. because.. A. they don't know what to do. B. they are too busy with their lifes, and C. because they don't think I'm serious.
Well, the 3rd time is a charm they say....
May, August, and I figure by Feb...
So there comes an interesting pattern... May.. 20 (I think), 3 months later, August 20th, and... in seven days... is November 20- three months from my last suicide attempt. I wonder if that means something.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Streaming
Tears, streaming down my face,
Blood rushing out,
I pull the blade across my throat,
Unable to speak,
Unable to breathe,
My body,
Like my heart,
Slowly dies...
A slow unwilling death,
Blood rushing down,
I drop the knife on the floor,
Unable to breathe,
Unable to speak,
I drop,
To my knees,
Slowly dying....
Breathing stops,
Blood gushing over my body,
and across the floor,
Laying motionless,
Unable to think,
Unable to beat,
My heart,
has stopped.
Death rushes in,
Overwhelming,
Lack of life,
Lack of blood,
Lack of breathe,
There is nothing left.
Blood rushing out,
I pull the blade across my throat,
Unable to speak,
Unable to breathe,
My body,
Like my heart,
Slowly dies...
A slow unwilling death,
Blood rushing down,
I drop the knife on the floor,
Unable to breathe,
Unable to speak,
I drop,
To my knees,
Slowly dying....
Breathing stops,
Blood gushing over my body,
and across the floor,
Laying motionless,
Unable to think,
Unable to beat,
My heart,
has stopped.
Death rushes in,
Overwhelming,
Lack of life,
Lack of blood,
Lack of breathe,
There is nothing left.
Love & Marriage
Two things I really really want. Two things I desire.
I talked with Josh last nite, and T. Interesting convos on both ends. I realized each time, I want T. more and more. It kills me. Because I know, he doesn't want it, and it will never happen. It was nice to be able to share with him what was going on. He sincerely did seem happy for me. Though, he thinks I'm happy and I'm not. I'm distracted, thats all, at least for the most part. He said, I should go for it, I should have sex with Josh, but.. its not that simple for me.
First off, because I have HPV. Secondly, because I don't love Josh. Though, I see myself becoming attached to him, and its starting to scare me. He gives me more affection than anyone I've ever met. Mostly when he's here, he just holds me, and it is so comforting. He takes my hand in his, and holds my hand. I sort of feel like a teenager again, except, I don't feel like he expects sex. Which makes the whole thing.. even better.
I'm afraid I'm going to scare him off. Some of the things I do are habit, but I'm sure they are meant to scare men off, because on some level, I like being alone. Its comfortable. Its safe... if I'm only casually dating, I don't get my heart broken. I should of stuck with that instead of giving T. a chance. I can't believe I allowed myself to be hurt like that. I punish myself, my spirit, every day, for what I allowed myself to believe about him. He's a nice guy, I still believe that, but... I never was that important to him, and never can be, because he won't allow it. He has his life, and until he really decides, he wants more than what he has now, noone will get in.
So this topic was supposed to be about love & marriage... and it is.
I thought about one of the reasons I'm still sad. First, I really thought I'd be married this year. I was supposed to marry C. (the guy from Romania)-- and I called off the whole relationship in January. We were supposed to be married in June. I've dated so many people this year, it kind of makes me wonder what the HELL is wrong with me. Well, I do know what is wrong with me, but.. because I am the way I am, I don't try to blame anyone for not wanting to be with me. I know I'm fucked up. I know, things in my life are scary, I know.. I'm hard to tolerate....
BUT.. what I don't understand is why guys have to fuck with me. I tell them.. "this is how it is" and tell them, everything I could possible thing of, to tell them, to let them know, I'm a bitch, I'm not easily tolerable, I'm too needy, I'm too demanding, and they still insist that they love me (which love should be unconditional), and want me. So, then... I get my hopes up, only to be crushed a while later... WHY? because they were wrong they say... and they are sorry. And part of me doesn't blame them. I can't tolerate myself, or some of the things I do/ or have done, so why should anyone else? Besides, when I feel a relationship isn't healthy, I end it... so why shouldn't they. They are only looking out for their best interests, so what is wrong with that. Nothing really, it just hurts. I wish people could reach deep within themselves, to realize what they really want, before they drag me into their life, only to change their mind a short time later.
Just like EPB also.... he had no idea what he wanted in life. I told him, if I don't see us growing, or I see you are holding me back, I will end it. I did. I struggled with ending it because I loved him so much. I still do. I always will. That is what love is to me, truely loving that person, forever.... but just because you love someone doesn't mean you can tolerate them all the time.
Well, I wish I had more time to write, but I have to get my ass to work.
Where is my editor? I don't think she's doing her job.. (WELL--- I must not pay her enough) hahahhah... I LOVE YOU, LISA!!
I talked with Josh last nite, and T. Interesting convos on both ends. I realized each time, I want T. more and more. It kills me. Because I know, he doesn't want it, and it will never happen. It was nice to be able to share with him what was going on. He sincerely did seem happy for me. Though, he thinks I'm happy and I'm not. I'm distracted, thats all, at least for the most part. He said, I should go for it, I should have sex with Josh, but.. its not that simple for me.
First off, because I have HPV. Secondly, because I don't love Josh. Though, I see myself becoming attached to him, and its starting to scare me. He gives me more affection than anyone I've ever met. Mostly when he's here, he just holds me, and it is so comforting. He takes my hand in his, and holds my hand. I sort of feel like a teenager again, except, I don't feel like he expects sex. Which makes the whole thing.. even better.
I'm afraid I'm going to scare him off. Some of the things I do are habit, but I'm sure they are meant to scare men off, because on some level, I like being alone. Its comfortable. Its safe... if I'm only casually dating, I don't get my heart broken. I should of stuck with that instead of giving T. a chance. I can't believe I allowed myself to be hurt like that. I punish myself, my spirit, every day, for what I allowed myself to believe about him. He's a nice guy, I still believe that, but... I never was that important to him, and never can be, because he won't allow it. He has his life, and until he really decides, he wants more than what he has now, noone will get in.
So this topic was supposed to be about love & marriage... and it is.
I thought about one of the reasons I'm still sad. First, I really thought I'd be married this year. I was supposed to marry C. (the guy from Romania)-- and I called off the whole relationship in January. We were supposed to be married in June. I've dated so many people this year, it kind of makes me wonder what the HELL is wrong with me. Well, I do know what is wrong with me, but.. because I am the way I am, I don't try to blame anyone for not wanting to be with me. I know I'm fucked up. I know, things in my life are scary, I know.. I'm hard to tolerate....
BUT.. what I don't understand is why guys have to fuck with me. I tell them.. "this is how it is" and tell them, everything I could possible thing of, to tell them, to let them know, I'm a bitch, I'm not easily tolerable, I'm too needy, I'm too demanding, and they still insist that they love me (which love should be unconditional), and want me. So, then... I get my hopes up, only to be crushed a while later... WHY? because they were wrong they say... and they are sorry. And part of me doesn't blame them. I can't tolerate myself, or some of the things I do/ or have done, so why should anyone else? Besides, when I feel a relationship isn't healthy, I end it... so why shouldn't they. They are only looking out for their best interests, so what is wrong with that. Nothing really, it just hurts. I wish people could reach deep within themselves, to realize what they really want, before they drag me into their life, only to change their mind a short time later.
Just like EPB also.... he had no idea what he wanted in life. I told him, if I don't see us growing, or I see you are holding me back, I will end it. I did. I struggled with ending it because I loved him so much. I still do. I always will. That is what love is to me, truely loving that person, forever.... but just because you love someone doesn't mean you can tolerate them all the time.
Well, I wish I had more time to write, but I have to get my ass to work.
Where is my editor? I don't think she's doing her job.. (WELL--- I must not pay her enough) hahahhah... I LOVE YOU, LISA!!
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Sunday, November 07, 2004
My first date since the breakup....
His name is Josh. I considered him just a friend since he is way younger, and only 19. It turned out to be way more. The way he looked at me, turned me on. The way he smelled turned me on. We played pool, it was fun, I sucked, but we tied, both with 2 wins. Then we went to the movies, watched SAW. That movie was fucking wierd....
BUt anyway, he put his arm around me.. at the beginning of the movie, and I lay my head on his shoulder, he held me thru the whole movie.. there was only one really gross part, that freaked me out (the guy sawed his own leg off). We both just kept looking at each other, and saying.. what? and nothing. It was kind of funny. Then he kissed me. It was different, but nice.
After the movie, he took me back home (YES, he picked me up!!, and he opened doors for me.. such a gentlemen) Neither of us wanted to part, so we went inside the house..and cuddled, and kissed until 12, when I had to go pick up Francais... so I asked him if he wanted to go with, and he did. Then we came back, and .. . he just left.. a little after 4.
He asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him, that I wasn't sure about it .. and... told him . that part of my problem was the age difference, but.. in the end... I told him yes. Part of me.. is like WHY ? WHY? WHY? , and the other part is, like, he's younger. . its not going to be anything serious.. just enjoy his company.. and be happy about it. Thing is... as much as I enjoyed his company tonite... I still missed T. Especially since about 12:23 or so.. he called. Since when does he call on a Saturday nite. I so wanted to answer that ring, it broke my heart that I couldn't talk to him, but I was feeling wanting.. I was held.. I felt loved, though... I know its not love.. and i'm not sure it will be.. I just don't want to hurt him, and I'm not sure that I even want to start a sexual relationship.
It just felt nice to be held, to be wanted.. to have someone take time for me.. We watched some movies, and he held me.. and I fell asleep in his arms. I felt safe again. I so wanted to take him to my bed, and fuck the hell out of him, but I know it would be for all the wrong reasons.
BUt anyway, he put his arm around me.. at the beginning of the movie, and I lay my head on his shoulder, he held me thru the whole movie.. there was only one really gross part, that freaked me out (the guy sawed his own leg off). We both just kept looking at each other, and saying.. what? and nothing. It was kind of funny. Then he kissed me. It was different, but nice.
After the movie, he took me back home (YES, he picked me up!!, and he opened doors for me.. such a gentlemen) Neither of us wanted to part, so we went inside the house..and cuddled, and kissed until 12, when I had to go pick up Francais... so I asked him if he wanted to go with, and he did. Then we came back, and .. . he just left.. a little after 4.
He asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him, that I wasn't sure about it .. and... told him . that part of my problem was the age difference, but.. in the end... I told him yes. Part of me.. is like WHY ? WHY? WHY? , and the other part is, like, he's younger. . its not going to be anything serious.. just enjoy his company.. and be happy about it. Thing is... as much as I enjoyed his company tonite... I still missed T. Especially since about 12:23 or so.. he called. Since when does he call on a Saturday nite. I so wanted to answer that ring, it broke my heart that I couldn't talk to him, but I was feeling wanting.. I was held.. I felt loved, though... I know its not love.. and i'm not sure it will be.. I just don't want to hurt him, and I'm not sure that I even want to start a sexual relationship.
It just felt nice to be held, to be wanted.. to have someone take time for me.. We watched some movies, and he held me.. and I fell asleep in his arms. I felt safe again. I so wanted to take him to my bed, and fuck the hell out of him, but I know it would be for all the wrong reasons.
Friday, November 05, 2004
Rough times
Going thru a rough time, not sure what to do. I feel so alone for the most part, that kills me more inside. I really thought I was getting over T., but the more I hurt about other things, the more I want him to be here with me. He called last nite, I think we talked about an hour and a half. It was nice. Very nice. I just have so many questions to ask. (I've prolly asked him them before).... but... I want the answers. Him and I communicated differently, and I realize that, its just really hard for me to understand. Like for instance, at work, me and two others were talking about our (ex) bf's. They said..."oh yeah, I haven't seen him in three weeks, and he's telling me he needs more space." I turned around.. and was like.. "geez.. that sounds familiar-- my ex said that too." So where does that come from? and what is that about? I really want to understand.
I truely believe, though I am more needy than most (and expect too much), that I didn't do very much wrong in the relationship. I'm not the one that talked about marriage, he brought it up, then I got it in my head, and was like, "wow, I really would like to marry you." I just wanted to know, when he thought he'd want to get married. I never asked that question, so I never got an answer. The thing is, though I've been engaged twice (only officially once, the other one was a joke, of sorts), there weren't many men that I thought I could/would marry. I couldn't tolerate their differences, their lack of motivation. T. is different, if only he put some of the motivation and enthusiasm into his relationships that he does the rest of his life, he'd get married some day. But anyway, thats not my business now, as I'm not in his life that way. Although I hear him saying, "it is you business, you are my friend, and you care."
He said something about being cold last nite. I said " I'll come keep you warm", and he said " YOu can't do that anymore." He talked about how there was no way "we" could resist, that we'd end up having sex, and then I'd hate him, (which is partly right, because if it was just sex it would hurt me, and i'd be mad, though I wouldn't hate him, because, I would of wanted it to).I said, "well, I can behave myself" and he told me.. something to the effect of... Well you will have to do it for the both of us. I could behave myself, truely, because I know if we had sex, I'd feel this incredible pain, and emptyness, and it would hurt all over. Sex, to me is an emotional bond, (making love), shared between two people who love and are committed to one another. (yes, I've had sex without love, but that is a story for another day). Even though, he said that, and was like "It would be hard to be in a beautiful girls arms, and not be aroused", I still wouldn't mind being in his arms, and he in mine. I miss that the most. That and the calls at nite, soothing me to sleep.
I was really surprised he called, I emailed him and told him I was having a rough time, and something about.. "on my knees begging, please call" And he called at 3am when he got in. I don't mind the late calls, I enjoy them more than most things in my life, since I don't have a social life. I feel better today, though I still hurt so much. No thoughts on cutting today, I'm worried though. The only thing that stopped me yesterday was that I didn't have anything to cut with. (ie: new razor blades or utility knife blades) Yes, I'm very picky about everything, I know I'm a bit OCD.(obsessive-compulsive disorder)
Today is Friday, thank goodness. I have my exciting weekend of doing laundry...
I truely believe, though I am more needy than most (and expect too much), that I didn't do very much wrong in the relationship. I'm not the one that talked about marriage, he brought it up, then I got it in my head, and was like, "wow, I really would like to marry you." I just wanted to know, when he thought he'd want to get married. I never asked that question, so I never got an answer. The thing is, though I've been engaged twice (only officially once, the other one was a joke, of sorts), there weren't many men that I thought I could/would marry. I couldn't tolerate their differences, their lack of motivation. T. is different, if only he put some of the motivation and enthusiasm into his relationships that he does the rest of his life, he'd get married some day. But anyway, thats not my business now, as I'm not in his life that way. Although I hear him saying, "it is you business, you are my friend, and you care."
He said something about being cold last nite. I said " I'll come keep you warm", and he said " YOu can't do that anymore." He talked about how there was no way "we" could resist, that we'd end up having sex, and then I'd hate him, (which is partly right, because if it was just sex it would hurt me, and i'd be mad, though I wouldn't hate him, because, I would of wanted it to).I said, "well, I can behave myself" and he told me.. something to the effect of... Well you will have to do it for the both of us. I could behave myself, truely, because I know if we had sex, I'd feel this incredible pain, and emptyness, and it would hurt all over. Sex, to me is an emotional bond, (making love), shared between two people who love and are committed to one another. (yes, I've had sex without love, but that is a story for another day). Even though, he said that, and was like "It would be hard to be in a beautiful girls arms, and not be aroused", I still wouldn't mind being in his arms, and he in mine. I miss that the most. That and the calls at nite, soothing me to sleep.
I was really surprised he called, I emailed him and told him I was having a rough time, and something about.. "on my knees begging, please call" And he called at 3am when he got in. I don't mind the late calls, I enjoy them more than most things in my life, since I don't have a social life. I feel better today, though I still hurt so much. No thoughts on cutting today, I'm worried though. The only thing that stopped me yesterday was that I didn't have anything to cut with. (ie: new razor blades or utility knife blades) Yes, I'm very picky about everything, I know I'm a bit OCD.(obsessive-compulsive disorder)
Today is Friday, thank goodness. I have my exciting weekend of doing laundry...
Intelligence Hurts
Intelligence really does hurt. It aches, a dull ache deep within your bones, it penetrates where no other pain can reach, it tears into your flesh like a dull machete swung by the enemy. Only, the enemy is you.
Profound Thoughts of the Day (and Yesterday-- and maybe even the day before)
"The world would be a better place, if each person, could just be true to theirselves."
"If I had just one wish, I'd wish for ignorance, and everything else would just fall into place"
"If I had just one wish, I'd wish for ignorance, and everything else would just fall into place"
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
The tape playing
Keeps playing over and over and over again....
Its something T. wrote in his MYSPACE account...
Over and over.. and over..
Something T wrote on his MySpace.. account...
Who I'd like to meet:
Intelligent girls, blessed by the edge of suicide, who drowned in the blood of the little death...and then came back stronger than God. Someone angry and elated, and fearless about both. Someone with a precious face.
Someone who fucks,
Someone who fights,
Someone who gives a shit,
...someone to love
I wonder if he really knows what he wants or needs, and wonder if one day he'll figure it out so he can be happy...
He said something one day about.. being true to himself, and how he had to do that, I think it may be true... because all i get is mixed thoughts/feelings from him.
IT drives me nuts...
Its something T. wrote in his MYSPACE account...
Over and over.. and over..
Something T wrote on his MySpace.. account...
Who I'd like to meet:
Intelligent girls, blessed by the edge of suicide, who drowned in the blood of the little death...and then came back stronger than God. Someone angry and elated, and fearless about both. Someone with a precious face.
Someone who fucks,
Someone who fights,
Someone who gives a shit,
...someone to love
I wonder if he really knows what he wants or needs, and wonder if one day he'll figure it out so he can be happy...
He said something one day about.. being true to himself, and how he had to do that, I think it may be true... because all i get is mixed thoughts/feelings from him.
IT drives me nuts...
Its been a few days
Not like my normal mode I've been in. I've been posting alot lately, mostly because of my stress levels. It helps alot. Usually when I don't post it means A. I'm too fucking busy B. I'm feeling better about life, and am happier, or C. I'm so fucked up, I can't post cuz I can't quit crying/cutting/ or planning my suicide.
I've not posted because of A & B. Its nice to feel calm. I wonder how long it will last. I did well yesterday at work, it was our first day on our own. I made some mistakes, which I worry about, but I think things will be ok.
I've been crazy busy with work, and cleaning my room. YES its clean.. for now. I'm a bit pissed off because I can't vote today. They told me I wasn't registered, and I'd have to bring my paper saying I was. BS. Like I know where that fucking paper is.
Well, I'm running late, just a bit, but wanted to update everyone on how I was doing.
I've not posted because of A & B. Its nice to feel calm. I wonder how long it will last. I did well yesterday at work, it was our first day on our own. I made some mistakes, which I worry about, but I think things will be ok.
I've been crazy busy with work, and cleaning my room. YES its clean.. for now. I'm a bit pissed off because I can't vote today. They told me I wasn't registered, and I'd have to bring my paper saying I was. BS. Like I know where that fucking paper is.
Well, I'm running late, just a bit, but wanted to update everyone on how I was doing.
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