So far everyone I've talked to thinks its ok that I explore my sexuality. I'm glad that's cool with them, but I'd explore it anyway... Since I'm finally open to the idea... or rather I finally found someone else open to the idea. Though the one person, I'm really attracted to, I really can't open the idea up to. It's rather scary. I don't even know how she would react or say or think or.. anything. I wouldn't want anything in our friendship to change, so I think I'd rather not change anything.
But as for the men in my life.. First I want to thank Michel.. ( I LOVE HIM.. heheh) he fixed my blog comments... so comment away folks.. and tell me that I'm fucking crazy!! But.. really, about M. and C. I don't know if my decisions were good ones, but i'm trying to ride them out. I gave up my emotional support for something more physically with a little emotional support. Is that wrong. Whose to say. M. makes me feel good none the same, but he's not commited to me like C. was, and I know I shouldn't compare, but I don't like that. Commitment is important to me, I just don't know how commited he is to me. I know that I am always the more commited one in the relationship and I'm used to that, but I've never been in a relationship like this one. He told me it was ok if I had sex with his best friend, because I found him attractive. I was floored, and well still am. I can't figure him out. I don't think men were ment to be figured out though. Oh well.
I wish I could figure out my emotions, as much as I think I'm scared to settle down and get married, that is what I've always wanted, and well, even if I was with M. for like 25 years, I could never see that happening, before he said a word about his feelings on marriage.. I said to Lisa, he's not the marrying type.. and oh.. was I so right. Was I wrong to trade what I had with C. for what I have for M? But.. was what I had for C... even real? I was emotional connected to him on a high level though, the thing is, when I play my games.. ( I don't purposely try to play them, I do it sometimes without realizing it) he plays them back and we end up fighting. With M. he just lets me. .. and ends up being brutally honest, and well I usually am able to tell him.. what I wanted to tell him in the first place. With C. and I .. its just a pushing struggle, we both have emotional problems.. and don't ever know what to do.
Harder.. than how I was feeling about the breakup between me and C. is how my daughter was taking it. Her and C were close. Though only on webcam and chat, they talked and typed.. and webcam chatted.. she seemed to really adore him. and was glad I was going to marry him. She really wants a brother or sister. And although M. might like her, I don't see them ever having the connection that C and Darian share. It makes me sad, because I feel like I've broke her little heart.
Looking forward to seeing Shannon this weekend. Hope I get some time to hang out with her. :) I never get enough time. Hopefully my car will be fixed soon. Who knows.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Men.. Women.. and other Crossdressing Havoc
Surely.. or not really.
Who knows. All I know, is that I'm an emotional mess. I don't know what I'm doing, or if what I have done is right, or if what I want to do is right. I still think of C. almost every day. I miss our daily chats, (not the fights), and that is something M. just doesn't fulfill. He's not there for me on a daily basis. Rarely on a weekly basis. I am beginning to like the relationship between me and M, better when it was friends, he emailed me daily, and made time for me often. I don't feel like he has the time for me now. Then again, when I think of it, I feel like I always ask too much of the other person when I'm in a relationship, and that bothers me. Why do I always feel like that, why do my needs not matter, why am I so needy. I don't get it. I wish I did. I just don't know where I'm going, and although, I'm enjoying myself, I'm not sure I'm making the best choices in my life. Who knows, only time will tell. I know I do need something more though... I'm in the search for it though.
Realized, I'm out of my one med, not anything I can really do, kind of glad, its the depression med. Still on the moods stabilizer. Good thing. I haven't had as many of my rages lately. Looking forward to going to the gym tommorrow. Finally getting some bills paid, and getting a few things done. I have to quit procrastinating.
One other thing I've been exploring is my sexuality. I have a tendency to believe that I may be a little more than bi-curious. Not sure if this is a surprise to anyone. I'm not sure really what to make of it. I want to experiment, and now I am free to do so, I'm just not sure how this will effect my life. I can't ever see myself in a serious lesbian relationship, mostly because that is not the way you should raise children, but I always wonder how other people view this situation.
Who knows. All I know, is that I'm an emotional mess. I don't know what I'm doing, or if what I have done is right, or if what I want to do is right. I still think of C. almost every day. I miss our daily chats, (not the fights), and that is something M. just doesn't fulfill. He's not there for me on a daily basis. Rarely on a weekly basis. I am beginning to like the relationship between me and M, better when it was friends, he emailed me daily, and made time for me often. I don't feel like he has the time for me now. Then again, when I think of it, I feel like I always ask too much of the other person when I'm in a relationship, and that bothers me. Why do I always feel like that, why do my needs not matter, why am I so needy. I don't get it. I wish I did. I just don't know where I'm going, and although, I'm enjoying myself, I'm not sure I'm making the best choices in my life. Who knows, only time will tell. I know I do need something more though... I'm in the search for it though.
Realized, I'm out of my one med, not anything I can really do, kind of glad, its the depression med. Still on the moods stabilizer. Good thing. I haven't had as many of my rages lately. Looking forward to going to the gym tommorrow. Finally getting some bills paid, and getting a few things done. I have to quit procrastinating.
One other thing I've been exploring is my sexuality. I have a tendency to believe that I may be a little more than bi-curious. Not sure if this is a surprise to anyone. I'm not sure really what to make of it. I want to experiment, and now I am free to do so, I'm just not sure how this will effect my life. I can't ever see myself in a serious lesbian relationship, mostly because that is not the way you should raise children, but I always wonder how other people view this situation.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Stuff
In my closet in my head...
um.. just too much stuff going on in my head. I am thinking too many thoughts about the relationship between me and M. Too many things about the future, and what allready has happened. Both good and bad. I wonder where this is leading, and know that it is going nowhere, and wonder why I want to just see where it goes. Then I wonder why I say this to myself, and wonder if he will read this, and if he does, what will he say or not say. I wonder how he really feels about me, and whether he likes to spend time with me. I wonder why he's attracted to me, I wonder why he agreed to date me, or why he even wants to date in the first place. I always well, my goal in dating was always to get married, until now, and now, I don't know what to do with myself. Just kind of sit back and watch what happens. Enjoy the relationship, while it lasts. The thing is, he doesn't seem to mind if we have alone time, and I think that bothers me. Don't most guys want to get their girlfriends alone, so they can have their way with them? I just find some of the ways he is strange, and can't quite figure it out. I wonder if I'll ever figure out what it is I really need in a relationship, or if I'll ever find my true love, if that even exists. I feel like M. is more up for a more open relationship, or isn't ready for a commitment, but don't understand, why I felt obligated to dump C. I don't understand why M and I spend more time with his friends than we do alone. I enjoy his friends alot, they are great, but.. I want to spend time with M, while I have the chance to be alone, because soon, we wont have a chance in hell to be alone. Because he lives with his parents and I live with my gram. I guess, maybe.. I feel cheated because, maybe on an importance level, he is more important to me, in my life, than I am in his. I can't say for sure, because I can't read his mind, but that is how I feel. Maybe that goes back to the whole thing, him saying that he is selfish, maybe he was right, and he is.. who knows, its not for me to say or to judge. I just know, that I felt more important in his life, when we were just "friends". If that is saying much. That isn't exactly right either, he's been there for me alot, its just frustrating.. ..
Anyway... dropped another pound, went to the gym today, first time in over a week, felt good, but I'm exhausted, can't wait to go to the gym. Even ate less than 1, 000 calories today, and am stuffed!! whoo hooo. ( THanks LISA) I've had a pretty good day, had too many mood swings though. Wish they would stop swinging. Well, I'm off.
um.. just too much stuff going on in my head. I am thinking too many thoughts about the relationship between me and M. Too many things about the future, and what allready has happened. Both good and bad. I wonder where this is leading, and know that it is going nowhere, and wonder why I want to just see where it goes. Then I wonder why I say this to myself, and wonder if he will read this, and if he does, what will he say or not say. I wonder how he really feels about me, and whether he likes to spend time with me. I wonder why he's attracted to me, I wonder why he agreed to date me, or why he even wants to date in the first place. I always well, my goal in dating was always to get married, until now, and now, I don't know what to do with myself. Just kind of sit back and watch what happens. Enjoy the relationship, while it lasts. The thing is, he doesn't seem to mind if we have alone time, and I think that bothers me. Don't most guys want to get their girlfriends alone, so they can have their way with them? I just find some of the ways he is strange, and can't quite figure it out. I wonder if I'll ever figure out what it is I really need in a relationship, or if I'll ever find my true love, if that even exists. I feel like M. is more up for a more open relationship, or isn't ready for a commitment, but don't understand, why I felt obligated to dump C. I don't understand why M and I spend more time with his friends than we do alone. I enjoy his friends alot, they are great, but.. I want to spend time with M, while I have the chance to be alone, because soon, we wont have a chance in hell to be alone. Because he lives with his parents and I live with my gram. I guess, maybe.. I feel cheated because, maybe on an importance level, he is more important to me, in my life, than I am in his. I can't say for sure, because I can't read his mind, but that is how I feel. Maybe that goes back to the whole thing, him saying that he is selfish, maybe he was right, and he is.. who knows, its not for me to say or to judge. I just know, that I felt more important in his life, when we were just "friends". If that is saying much. That isn't exactly right either, he's been there for me alot, its just frustrating.. ..
Anyway... dropped another pound, went to the gym today, first time in over a week, felt good, but I'm exhausted, can't wait to go to the gym. Even ate less than 1, 000 calories today, and am stuffed!! whoo hooo. ( THanks LISA) I've had a pretty good day, had too many mood swings though. Wish they would stop swinging. Well, I'm off.
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Doing ok
Everything seems to be going ok. Moods are still swinging. I felt really suicidal on Thursday, even went as far as writing a suicide note. The sad thing is, both my mother and grandmother told me to do it. The one thing that stopped me was the fact that my daughter, well my aunt and I don't have the papers drawn up for my aunt to take my daughter. In a month when she comes up, that will be done. I hope that I don't feel suicidal then. I have spent the weekend with M. and his friends, and that has kept me busy, it actually keeps my mind off all the stupid things in my life and is rather enjoyable. They are really fun. It is nice to spent time away, and not have to worry about Darian also. I was moving in with my mother, but she pretty much kicked me out already, so I'm going back with my gram. Its ok, I'll suivive, I just hope she doesn't give me too hard of a time about the whole M. thing, because I still want to spend time with him. I didn't want to spend time in the hospital, nor with my grandma or mom, I would of felt even more suicidal. I feel safe around him. It's nice to feel safe. I feel like I've known his friends forever and can kid and joke with them, just like they have been my friends forever.
I'm looking forward to seeing Shannon next weekend. :) I miss her so much. I have to get her present ready from Christmas time. We will see if I get that done. Will try to post more later, actually in the middle of a game with the boys..
:)
I'm looking forward to seeing Shannon next weekend. :) I miss her so much. I have to get her present ready from Christmas time. We will see if I get that done. Will try to post more later, actually in the middle of a game with the boys..
:)
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Update... and Parenting
Lots of new things on my end.. too much to post. I went away for the weekend with my "friend" M. and had a blast, we are now dating. I completely broke things off with C. That was hard, but it had to be done. I have to start figuring out what all that I want and need, and start fulfilling those needs. My relationship with C. wasn't fulfilling that. He helped me thru alot in this past year, and I will always remember that.
The big thing that is on my mind though, is parenting, how some people chose and some don't. Well I didn't. I did choose to keep my daughter however, and the first few years, were hard, but I loved her so much, and now.. I just don't feel that I'm good for her anymore and I don't know what to do. I am really getting tired of people telling me that I'm a good mother, and what would she do without me. I'm not saying I don't want to be part of her life, I'm just saying, I'm not doing good, being her soul support. I'm always crabby with her, for the last year, I loose my patience so easily with her, and I just see our relationship getting worse and worse. I mean, well for example... Probably in the last year.. I can count on my hands the number of times that I have bathed her by myself, that is just one of those things that I either forget, or just don't take the time to do, or something.. I really don't know what it is. I gave her a bath last week, but before that.. I really haven't . I only gave her a bath then, because she had peed all over. My gram usually gives her a bath here, before that, I always asked Wil to make sure she got a bath. Sure... I always make sure she's dressed, and gets to school.. and stuff like that, but is it enough? I don't think so. I feel like I will never get where I need to be, I will never be able to provide for her like I need to if I can't get away from her. I hate saying this, but in reality, I really in a way.. want to get rid of her. Not in the sense some people think. My aunt would take care of her for me, I know this, and it would be ideal. But would it be fair. WOuld it be fair for anyone involved. Would it make things better? or worse? I dunno, I'm so confused.. and noone seems to listen to me when I say I can't handle parenting anymore.. They just don't get it. I feel like noone understands. Maybe because I don't understand. I don't understand, how... I can go from never wanting to be away from my baby, to hardly being able to stand being around her. And its not because she's a bad.. girl.. She is .. and always has been a good girl.. she's so perfect.. so loving.. so beautiful. I just don't want to mess her up, and I see it happening already. I hate myself for it. I just want to make her life better. And I can't do that the way I am now. I just can't.
The big thing that is on my mind though, is parenting, how some people chose and some don't. Well I didn't. I did choose to keep my daughter however, and the first few years, were hard, but I loved her so much, and now.. I just don't feel that I'm good for her anymore and I don't know what to do. I am really getting tired of people telling me that I'm a good mother, and what would she do without me. I'm not saying I don't want to be part of her life, I'm just saying, I'm not doing good, being her soul support. I'm always crabby with her, for the last year, I loose my patience so easily with her, and I just see our relationship getting worse and worse. I mean, well for example... Probably in the last year.. I can count on my hands the number of times that I have bathed her by myself, that is just one of those things that I either forget, or just don't take the time to do, or something.. I really don't know what it is. I gave her a bath last week, but before that.. I really haven't . I only gave her a bath then, because she had peed all over. My gram usually gives her a bath here, before that, I always asked Wil to make sure she got a bath. Sure... I always make sure she's dressed, and gets to school.. and stuff like that, but is it enough? I don't think so. I feel like I will never get where I need to be, I will never be able to provide for her like I need to if I can't get away from her. I hate saying this, but in reality, I really in a way.. want to get rid of her. Not in the sense some people think. My aunt would take care of her for me, I know this, and it would be ideal. But would it be fair. WOuld it be fair for anyone involved. Would it make things better? or worse? I dunno, I'm so confused.. and noone seems to listen to me when I say I can't handle parenting anymore.. They just don't get it. I feel like noone understands. Maybe because I don't understand. I don't understand, how... I can go from never wanting to be away from my baby, to hardly being able to stand being around her. And its not because she's a bad.. girl.. She is .. and always has been a good girl.. she's so perfect.. so loving.. so beautiful. I just don't want to mess her up, and I see it happening already. I hate myself for it. I just want to make her life better. And I can't do that the way I am now. I just can't.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Men
I had a nice long talk with C. today. Wasn't supposed to have that tommorrow. He wants me to come to Romania. I'm scared. I can't say that I'm not. I'm frightened, but not for any real reason, just for the anxieties in my head. I told him more details about me and M. He said no matter what he'd always be there. I'd like to believe that, but I'm scared. As much as I like M. I feel he is not the one for me. It feels so good to have his attention, and to feel his warmth, he pays so much attention to me, something I've not had in a long time. I don't want to be alone right now. Right before I started talking to M. I was planning my death again. I didn't really tell this to anyone. Why would I. I really wanted to die. I was going to get a gun. I was getting over my anxieties. I was going to buy the gun when I got my tax money back. I realized, not because of M. or because of C. but because of some other events that happened.... that I do want to live, but I have a lot of things to figure out. But without people like M. and my other friend R. to talk to me, and flirt with me, and soothe me.. I don't think I would of lasted long... I was going down hill, really fast. Really really fast.
Now, I'm losing weight.. I smile and laugh more. I'm trying to enjoy working out, and I'm trying to make plans for the future. I'm hoping things will change for the better, I just have to try and be more optimistic.
But then, I still have problems, what to do with M., what to do with C... or do I just sit back, and see what happens. Let fate take its toll. I dunno, have to talk to M. I wrote him a long email tonite, we will see what he says.. .
Other than that... been.. over 36 hours, since I've had caffeine or soda!! Hooray!! and I'm down another pound. I'm beginning to think, maybe some of my anxieties about going to Romania.. has to do with my weight... maybe.. (no. probably) I make such a big deal about it with C. cuz I'm not happy with it.. but.. who knows..
Now, I'm losing weight.. I smile and laugh more. I'm trying to enjoy working out, and I'm trying to make plans for the future. I'm hoping things will change for the better, I just have to try and be more optimistic.
But then, I still have problems, what to do with M., what to do with C... or do I just sit back, and see what happens. Let fate take its toll. I dunno, have to talk to M. I wrote him a long email tonite, we will see what he says.. .
Other than that... been.. over 36 hours, since I've had caffeine or soda!! Hooray!! and I'm down another pound. I'm beginning to think, maybe some of my anxieties about going to Romania.. has to do with my weight... maybe.. (no. probably) I make such a big deal about it with C. cuz I'm not happy with it.. but.. who knows..
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Confusing thoughts
My life I find it more confuseing day by day. I've been enjoying it more though. I've been spending time with a new friend, M., who is very kind and gentle. The thing is... I still love, C., my ex fiance, I still hold him deep in my heart. He's been there thru so much for me. Although none of it physical, that is what I've been needed and craving for many months now. I've found what I've been needing in M. I find this hard, because although I want to satisfy my own needs, I don't want anyone else to be hurt. I've not felt suicidal for almost a week now, it is such a relief. I've not cut for almost two weeks. The cuts are almost all healed.
I do feel such turmoil inside. Do I wait forever, in hopes that C. and I may be together, and what about all this fighting we've been doing. ANd all my issues with him thinking I'm fat. I usually don't have self confidence issues around men. I know that men find me attractive, and I don't usually feel fat around them. I've not had men that tell me they love me.. tell me that I'm fat. I just don't get it. I guess part of it.. is that I'm very high maintenence. I enjoy alot of attention. I'm very emotional. I'm very needy. Is this because I'm borderline or just because I'm Julie.
Who is Julie? I'm starting to figure that out.
Julie??
Julie Ann Lathrop.. Born February 15th 1979, Port Allegany PA...
Is almost 25 years old
Likes-Basketball, Drawing, Sketching, Basketball, Playing Computer Games, Chatting, Porn.. heheh (YES i said Porn.. I do enjoy it.. I admit.. Of both men and women), Dirty Jokes, Clean Jokes, Poetry, Reading, Driving, Dreaming, Talking, Kissing,
Favorite Colors- Purple ( then.. Purple w/ Pink and Blue) and Black
Favorite Food- Pizza w/ lots of Cheese
Favorite Cartoon- Smurfs
Favorite Item- Harley Blanket
I've realized, I do have an identity... though, sometimes I realize I don't. When I'm with people. I tend to like to do the things they are doing. Is there anything wrong with that? Do I give up who I am to do that? I don't think I am. Borderline Personality Disorder says I do. I don't get it. I just find I am an easy going person, that enjoys many things.
Back to the men..thing.. am I being selfish.. or just stupid.. I don't know. I don't know what it is I really want. I thought I did. I do know, I need this thing, whatever it is, between me and Mike, I like it. Its enjoyable. I do know I love C. with all my heart. As for my feelings for M. I don't know him well enough yet. I enjoy his company, and I am very attracted to him. I plan on spending as much time with him as I am able, because I feel this is something I need. For once, I don't feel pressure by a man, to please him.. or anything like that. I get enjoyment out of his company. I feels wonderful.
I do feel such turmoil inside. Do I wait forever, in hopes that C. and I may be together, and what about all this fighting we've been doing. ANd all my issues with him thinking I'm fat. I usually don't have self confidence issues around men. I know that men find me attractive, and I don't usually feel fat around them. I've not had men that tell me they love me.. tell me that I'm fat. I just don't get it. I guess part of it.. is that I'm very high maintenence. I enjoy alot of attention. I'm very emotional. I'm very needy. Is this because I'm borderline or just because I'm Julie.
Who is Julie? I'm starting to figure that out.
Julie??
Julie Ann Lathrop.. Born February 15th 1979, Port Allegany PA...
Is almost 25 years old
Likes-Basketball, Drawing, Sketching, Basketball, Playing Computer Games, Chatting, Porn.. heheh (YES i said Porn.. I do enjoy it.. I admit.. Of both men and women), Dirty Jokes, Clean Jokes, Poetry, Reading, Driving, Dreaming, Talking, Kissing,
Favorite Colors- Purple ( then.. Purple w/ Pink and Blue) and Black
Favorite Food- Pizza w/ lots of Cheese
Favorite Cartoon- Smurfs
Favorite Item- Harley Blanket
I've realized, I do have an identity... though, sometimes I realize I don't. When I'm with people. I tend to like to do the things they are doing. Is there anything wrong with that? Do I give up who I am to do that? I don't think I am. Borderline Personality Disorder says I do. I don't get it. I just find I am an easy going person, that enjoys many things.
Back to the men..thing.. am I being selfish.. or just stupid.. I don't know. I don't know what it is I really want. I thought I did. I do know, I need this thing, whatever it is, between me and Mike, I like it. Its enjoyable. I do know I love C. with all my heart. As for my feelings for M. I don't know him well enough yet. I enjoy his company, and I am very attracted to him. I plan on spending as much time with him as I am able, because I feel this is something I need. For once, I don't feel pressure by a man, to please him.. or anything like that. I get enjoyment out of his company. I feels wonderful.
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