Musings of a Domestic Goddess.............
Yo Baby.. I love you, and just wanted to let you know. You should post here. It really helps depression, .. and also with anger managment (but that is my problem). I miss you soooo much. You really should come down and visit me in December. Think about it, and I want to see you post, you are such a good writer!!
Love You!!
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Earlier today
I met T, online.. and we had this convo, then.. he called and we talked on the phone....
He _Says (1:09:04 PM): hello
I say (1:09:08 PM): Hi
I say (1:09:13 PM): how areyou
He _Says (1:09:18 PM): not bad
He _Says (1:09:21 PM): you?
I say (1:09:30 PM): I'm still breathing so thats a good sign
He _Says (1:09:36 PM): cool
I say (1:09:42 PM): yeah if you say so
He _Says (1:09:48 PM): llisten I cant talk long...but I wanted to say hello
I say (1:09:54 PM): well thanks..
I say (1:09:55 PM): I gues
He _Says (1:10:15 PM): how was Dare's birthday
I say (1:10:20 PM): so the concert went well. i take it;
I say (1:10:25 PM): it was ok, we havent had a party yet
I say (1:10:31 PM): thanks for calling me Tuesday btw
He _Says (1:11:00 PM): I didn't...which is prolly your point
I say (1:11:02 PM): She liked her presents I got her, and she had a little cake.. cuz
I say (1:11:15 PM): yeah. that was my point.. sorry. I'm not doing really well right now
He _Says (1:11:25 PM): Ididn't go home Tuesday night
I say (1:11:35 PM): oh?
I say (1:11:48 PM): I take it you were too busy to email all week.. too
He _Says (1:11:50 PM): went straight from work to Hellcamp and from Hellcamp to show
I say (1:11:57 PM): oh ok
He _Says (1:12:39 PM): today is really the first "day off" I've had since SUnday....
He _Says (1:12:48 PM): I ever have plans for today so...
I say (1:12:57 PM): huh? ever have plans?
I say (1:13:06 PM): I know, I read ur blog
He _Says (1:13:07 PM): even ...
I say (1:13:17 PM): cool, so what areyou doing exciting?
He _Says (1:13:40 PM): nothing....selling so gear in exchange for some other gear
I say (1:13:47 PM): what kind of gear?
He _Says (1:14:02 PM): my friend first show is tonight...so I'll prolly go there
I say (1:14:10 PM): oh. sounds like fun
He _Says (1:14:11 PM): and I really want to see SAW
He _Says (1:14:27 PM): but that prolly wont happen
I say (1:14:33 PM): why is that?
He _Says (1:14:44 PM): U have no money
He _Says (1:14:48 PM): I have rather
I say (1:14:54 PM): um.. sucks to be you
He _Says (1:14:57 PM): yeha
He _Says (1:15:11 PM): and I wont until next Fri
I say (1:15:15 PM): that sucks.
I say (1:15:32 PM): I'm not really in the mood to talk to you right now, so i'm going to go back and play my game
He _Says (1:15:41 PM): ok...well take care
I say (1:15:52 PM): yeah.. i'm right on that. its not like you care
He _Says (1:16:07 PM): please dont start
I say (1:16:18 PM): I'm not starting it. I'm ending it...
I say (1:16:25 PM): I really thought you cared about me...
He _Says (1:16:51 PM): Fine...
He _Says (1:16:56 PM): do what you must
I say (1:16:59 PM): its waht you want..
I say (1:17:01 PM): apparently
He _Says (1:17:16 PM): yeah it is ...but that another conversation
I say (1:17:31 PM): then why lead me on.. only to hurt me more?
He _Says (1:17:50 PM): I didn't
I say (1:17:53 PM): you did
He _Says (1:17:58 PM): I've nothing but honest
I say (1:17:59 PM): you have from the begining..
I say (1:18:05 PM): by telling me you want to be with me?
He _Says (1:18:14 PM): I did...at one time
He _Says (1:18:19 PM): I dont anymnore
I say (1:18:20 PM): good, I'm glad you dont now
I say (1:18:21 PM): good
He _Says (1:18:26 PM): this is not the way I wanted to do this
I say (1:18:34 PM): why? cuz you can't be honest with me?
He _Says (1:18:43 PM): I'm being honest now
He _Says (1:18:47 PM): and I have been
I say (1:18:50 PM): thats all i asked.. and last time we talked.. you told me you missed me . adn you wanted to see me
I say (1:18:54 PM): so what changed since then?
He _Says (1:18:58 PM): nothing
I say (1:19:07 PM): then why dont you want to be with me
He _Says (1:19:10 PM): just the realization that nothing I do will make you happy
I say (1:19:17 PM): you dont do much for me?
He _Says (1:19:27 PM): and I resent feeling like I "have" to do it
I say (1:19:29 PM): you will never make me happy.. thats someting I find within myself...
I say (1:19:39 PM): I don't tell you you have to do anything...
I say (1:19:48 PM): but the thing is. I'd do anything for you... or would have.. rather
He _Says (1:19:57 PM): we are not having thie conversatio this way
I say (1:20:12 PM): then. can I schedule an appt to have this converstion with you
He _Says (1:20:37 PM): fine...do you want to have this now?
I say (1:20:43 PM): you said you were leaving..
He _Says (1:20:48 PM): it can wait
I say (1:21:10 PM): yes.. all i've wanted.. is to talk, and get whatever this is out of the way.. so I can move on.. I dont like waiting to talk about things
He _Says (1:09:04 PM): hello
I say (1:09:08 PM): Hi
I say (1:09:13 PM): how areyou
He _Says (1:09:18 PM): not bad
He _Says (1:09:21 PM): you?
I say (1:09:30 PM): I'm still breathing so thats a good sign
He _Says (1:09:36 PM): cool
I say (1:09:42 PM): yeah if you say so
He _Says (1:09:48 PM): llisten I cant talk long...but I wanted to say hello
I say (1:09:54 PM): well thanks..
I say (1:09:55 PM): I gues
He _Says (1:10:15 PM): how was Dare's birthday
I say (1:10:20 PM): so the concert went well. i take it;
I say (1:10:25 PM): it was ok, we havent had a party yet
I say (1:10:31 PM): thanks for calling me Tuesday btw
He _Says (1:11:00 PM): I didn't...which is prolly your point
I say (1:11:02 PM): She liked her presents I got her, and she had a little cake.. cuz
I say (1:11:15 PM): yeah. that was my point.. sorry. I'm not doing really well right now
He _Says (1:11:25 PM): Ididn't go home Tuesday night
I say (1:11:35 PM): oh?
I say (1:11:48 PM): I take it you were too busy to email all week.. too
He _Says (1:11:50 PM): went straight from work to Hellcamp and from Hellcamp to show
I say (1:11:57 PM): oh ok
He _Says (1:12:39 PM): today is really the first "day off" I've had since SUnday....
He _Says (1:12:48 PM): I ever have plans for today so...
I say (1:12:57 PM): huh? ever have plans?
I say (1:13:06 PM): I know, I read ur blog
He _Says (1:13:07 PM): even ...
I say (1:13:17 PM): cool, so what areyou doing exciting?
He _Says (1:13:40 PM): nothing....selling so gear in exchange for some other gear
I say (1:13:47 PM): what kind of gear?
He _Says (1:14:02 PM): my friend first show is tonight...so I'll prolly go there
I say (1:14:10 PM): oh. sounds like fun
He _Says (1:14:11 PM): and I really want to see SAW
He _Says (1:14:27 PM): but that prolly wont happen
I say (1:14:33 PM): why is that?
He _Says (1:14:44 PM): U have no money
He _Says (1:14:48 PM): I have rather
I say (1:14:54 PM): um.. sucks to be you
He _Says (1:14:57 PM): yeha
He _Says (1:15:11 PM): and I wont until next Fri
I say (1:15:15 PM): that sucks.
I say (1:15:32 PM): I'm not really in the mood to talk to you right now, so i'm going to go back and play my game
He _Says (1:15:41 PM): ok...well take care
I say (1:15:52 PM): yeah.. i'm right on that. its not like you care
He _Says (1:16:07 PM): please dont start
I say (1:16:18 PM): I'm not starting it. I'm ending it...
I say (1:16:25 PM): I really thought you cared about me...
He _Says (1:16:51 PM): Fine...
He _Says (1:16:56 PM): do what you must
I say (1:16:59 PM): its waht you want..
I say (1:17:01 PM): apparently
He _Says (1:17:16 PM): yeah it is ...but that another conversation
I say (1:17:31 PM): then why lead me on.. only to hurt me more?
He _Says (1:17:50 PM): I didn't
I say (1:17:53 PM): you did
He _Says (1:17:58 PM): I've nothing but honest
I say (1:17:59 PM): you have from the begining..
I say (1:18:05 PM): by telling me you want to be with me?
He _Says (1:18:14 PM): I did...at one time
He _Says (1:18:19 PM): I dont anymnore
I say (1:18:20 PM): good, I'm glad you dont now
I say (1:18:21 PM): good
He _Says (1:18:26 PM): this is not the way I wanted to do this
I say (1:18:34 PM): why? cuz you can't be honest with me?
He _Says (1:18:43 PM): I'm being honest now
He _Says (1:18:47 PM): and I have been
I say (1:18:50 PM): thats all i asked.. and last time we talked.. you told me you missed me . adn you wanted to see me
I say (1:18:54 PM): so what changed since then?
He _Says (1:18:58 PM): nothing
I say (1:19:07 PM): then why dont you want to be with me
He _Says (1:19:10 PM): just the realization that nothing I do will make you happy
I say (1:19:17 PM): you dont do much for me?
He _Says (1:19:27 PM): and I resent feeling like I "have" to do it
I say (1:19:29 PM): you will never make me happy.. thats someting I find within myself...
I say (1:19:39 PM): I don't tell you you have to do anything...
I say (1:19:48 PM): but the thing is. I'd do anything for you... or would have.. rather
He _Says (1:19:57 PM): we are not having thie conversatio this way
I say (1:20:12 PM): then. can I schedule an appt to have this converstion with you
He _Says (1:20:37 PM): fine...do you want to have this now?
I say (1:20:43 PM): you said you were leaving..
He _Says (1:20:48 PM): it can wait
I say (1:21:10 PM): yes.. all i've wanted.. is to talk, and get whatever this is out of the way.. so I can move on.. I dont like waiting to talk about things
What do I want?
Its not even about, T. taking me back at this point. Its about, understand his actions. I want to understand so bad. I want to understand why he hurt me (or actually I allowed myself to be hurt by his actions). I want to know why he feels like he does. Why he doesn't want to be with me. He says, its not me.. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. I don't. He's told me, I don't give him enough space, that basically expect too much. He's told me I'm too possessive. He's told me, that what I ask is not unreasonable, but.. he can't give it to me. I want to know why not? I feel as though I'm not important to him. I want to be part of his life. Even if I have to be "just" friends, I could be ok with it, if I understood.
Right now, everytime I talk to him, or hear from him.. or if I see him, I will continue to have those feelings. I told him I want to be with him, I don't want anyone else. He said that puts him between a rock and a hard place. I want to understand why. I want to understand his conflicts. I want to understand, why .. if I drive him nuts now, why he would ever in his right mind, think he would want to marry me. I want him to not want me. At least part of me does.
The other part... well wants him, wants to be with him, wants to share my life with him, though.. I know.. I do know, this part of me does, that I need to move on. I can't until I understand. I've never been hurt like this before. Never.
Yes, I've been hurt.. but usually I realize what an asshole the guy is, and I know he's not right for me. But with T. its different, I still think it could be a possibility, but because he doesn't want to try. Because he doesn't want to try, that makes me believe, that it would never work. I say this because, well there would be so many more challenges that we would face, and they would be harder than this. I mostly think, we are having problems communicating.....
I wish I could say something, or do something, to help him understand me, so that I know he does understand, and part of me wishes I could convince him, that we should be together..... part of me wishes that so bad. I do miss him as a friend though.
Everything I do reminds me of him, sleeping, showering, being online, walking down the street, going to the mall, Everything reminds me, of all the good times.. and I don't want them to end. I want them to continue. I want to be the one that makes him happy. I want to be the one, to hold him when he's upset. I want him to be the one I go to, the one that holds me.. and brushes away my tears. Its so hard for me... it hurts so bad.
It hurts even more, because I feel stupid about the whole thing. I let him in, only to get hurt more than I've ever been. I want to know how to get over him, its just, that noone, could compare to him, noone.
Right now, everytime I talk to him, or hear from him.. or if I see him, I will continue to have those feelings. I told him I want to be with him, I don't want anyone else. He said that puts him between a rock and a hard place. I want to understand why. I want to understand his conflicts. I want to understand, why .. if I drive him nuts now, why he would ever in his right mind, think he would want to marry me. I want him to not want me. At least part of me does.
The other part... well wants him, wants to be with him, wants to share my life with him, though.. I know.. I do know, this part of me does, that I need to move on. I can't until I understand. I've never been hurt like this before. Never.
Yes, I've been hurt.. but usually I realize what an asshole the guy is, and I know he's not right for me. But with T. its different, I still think it could be a possibility, but because he doesn't want to try. Because he doesn't want to try, that makes me believe, that it would never work. I say this because, well there would be so many more challenges that we would face, and they would be harder than this. I mostly think, we are having problems communicating.....
I wish I could say something, or do something, to help him understand me, so that I know he does understand, and part of me wishes I could convince him, that we should be together..... part of me wishes that so bad. I do miss him as a friend though.
Everything I do reminds me of him, sleeping, showering, being online, walking down the street, going to the mall, Everything reminds me, of all the good times.. and I don't want them to end. I want them to continue. I want to be the one that makes him happy. I want to be the one, to hold him when he's upset. I want him to be the one I go to, the one that holds me.. and brushes away my tears. Its so hard for me... it hurts so bad.
It hurts even more, because I feel stupid about the whole thing. I let him in, only to get hurt more than I've ever been. I want to know how to get over him, its just, that noone, could compare to him, noone.
Tickle Marriage
I got an email today, to ask me to sign up for Tickle Marriage. I can't say I'm looking for someone ( I can't get over T.) but I figured what the hell. Besides, I had a really bad dream last nite, about me and T. and the more I think about it, the more I feel it may just be a game to him. In the dream, he crushed my heart, just like he's doing now.
But anyway.. about Tickle Marriage.. its given me some insight already...
READ ON: (from Tickle.com/marriage)
Introduction
The majority of the people you meet in your lifetime would not make good marriage partners for you. That's why using Tickle Marriage is the most important step you can take towards finding your ideal partner. The questions you answered in the Personality Portrait assessment are based on more than 20 years of research into what makes for a successful, long-term relationship. Your responses to our Personality Portrait questions helped us measure 56 dimensions of your personality, and that of your ideal partner.
To understand more specifically how you can build the foundation of a happy long-term relationship, we've organized your results into four areas:
About You and Your Ideal Partner
Your Communication Style
What Type of Relationship is Right for You?
What Do You Want Out of Marriage
HOW DOES YOUR ANSWER COMPARE?
You are one of 71% of respondents who believe that everyone has a soul mate.
Let's review what these scientifically valid dimensions tell us about you and the type of person the research suggests is your ideal partner. The results may surprise you. Remember, we're not just looking for someone who shares your taste in music and movies; we're looking for the person you can happily spend the rest of your life with.
*You enjoy being successful and love being around people who share your taste for the finer things in life.
*You'd be most happy with a partner who, like you, is motivated to move up in the world.
*A partner who shares your life goals – financial and otherwise – will understand where your coming from and make it easier for you to attain your goals.
*You, more than others, need to be confident that in times of need, your partner will be there for you to help you through
*You probably prefer stable relationships that offer you some degree of predictability.
*It's important to you to have your marriage formally recognized – by the government, a religious or spiritual institution.
(I find these all to be true)
About You and Your Ideal Partner
Understanding your core personality is an important step in knowing how you relate to the world and those around you. If you understand which characteristics define you as an individual, it will make it easier to identify important characteristics in a prospective partner. In completing your Personality Portrait you also told us about which traits you would like, and dislike, in a marriage partner. You may find these traits to be different from those of past relationships. Don't be surprised if your ideal partner sounds a lot like you. Research has shown that people are more likely to be happy with spouses who share personality traits with them.
HOW DOES YOUR ANSWER COMPARE?
You are one of 58% of respondents who like unpredictable situations
Here's what you told us about your personality and your ideal partner:
*You enjoy being successful and love being around people who share your taste for the finer things in life.
*You'd be most happy with a partner who, like you, is motivated to move up in the world.
*A partner who shares your life goals – financial and otherwise – will understand where you're coming from and make it easier for you to attain your goals.
*You're conscientious, and people probably see you as a confident and dependable friend.
*You'll be happiest if your partner is similarly confident and dependable.
*You want your partner to share your commitment to making your marriage work.
*You project an energy and enthusiasm that makes it easy for people to connect with you.
*You're curious and open-minded – traits that attract people to you.
*You may have a hard time filtering out who's best for you because you get excited to meet all types.
*It's easy for you to meet and make new friends.
*To find the right partner, you need to remember you're looking not for just another friend, but for the person you spend the rest of your life with.
*You will need to keep yourself in check – making sure you wait for the right person who really suits you, not just the first person who comes along.
*You'd most likely thrive in a marriage that allows you to have an intimate relationship with someone who understands you also want to pursue individual interests, too.
*Even when you're in a loving, committed, relationship, you still crave time to follow your own hobbies and goals.
*You will be happiest if you hold out for someone who can offer you the emotional closeness you desire as well as the understanding that you sometimes will want to go off and do your own thing.
*You want your partner to be an extremely passionate person with an active sex drive.
Your Communication Style
Research indicates that communication is one of the most important components of a healthy, long-term relationship. Because people have different approaches to communication, you will find that some people are easier for you to get along with than others. To increase the chances of a successful relationship, we will introduce you to people we already know will be compatible with you in this regard.
HOW DOES YOUR ANSWER COMPARE?
You are one of 69% of respondents who want a relationship where there are no secrets between partners.
Here's what we learned about your communication style:
*You're comfortable talking about just about any topic.
*Whether you're just getting to know someone, or are considering a long-term relationship with them, you want to feel like you're becoming true friends.
*You, more than others, need to be confident that in times of need, your partner will be there for you to help you through.
*You like to check in with your partner from time to time – just to make sure things are still on track and in good shape.
*Some people might be wary of the high level of interaction you desire.
*You might not be happy with potential partners who blow things out of proportion, or avoid your questions.
What Kind of Relationship is Right For You?
Relationships, like people, are different. Some people want to spend most of their time with their partner, while others need lots of time to themselves with only occasional together time. Your relationships will be more successful if you and your partner share a similar relationship style.
HOW DOES YOUR ANSWER COMPARE?
You are one of 59% of respondents who believe that spending lots of time together is essential to the success of a relationship.
Here's what we learned about the type of relationship that's right for you:
*You probably prefer stable relationships that offer you some degree of predictability.
*You're a fairly sensitive person.
*You feel best when surrounded by calm people and places
What Do You Want Out of Marriage?
You should make sure that what you're looking for in a marriage is what your potential partners are looking for as well. Getting clear on your goals up front in a relationship will save you valuable time and energy.
HOW DOES YOUR ANSWER COMPARE?
You are one of 46% of respondents who want to have children in the future.
Your responses indicate the following feelings and attitudes towards marriage:
*It's important to you to have your marriage formally recognized – by the government, a religious or spiritual institution.
*You want to have a monogamous marriage.
*Whether or not religion is currently and important part of your life, you don't feel you have to share religious beliefs with your partner.
*You would like to own a home with your partner.
*Raising children is something you're looking forward to with your partner.
*You don't necessarily feel your partner and you need to share professional interests in order to be happy.
But anyway.. about Tickle Marriage.. its given me some insight already...
READ ON: (from Tickle.com/marriage)
Introduction
The majority of the people you meet in your lifetime would not make good marriage partners for you. That's why using Tickle Marriage is the most important step you can take towards finding your ideal partner. The questions you answered in the Personality Portrait assessment are based on more than 20 years of research into what makes for a successful, long-term relationship. Your responses to our Personality Portrait questions helped us measure 56 dimensions of your personality, and that of your ideal partner.
To understand more specifically how you can build the foundation of a happy long-term relationship, we've organized your results into four areas:
About You and Your Ideal Partner
Your Communication Style
What Type of Relationship is Right for You?
What Do You Want Out of Marriage
HOW DOES YOUR ANSWER COMPARE?
You are one of 71% of respondents who believe that everyone has a soul mate.
Let's review what these scientifically valid dimensions tell us about you and the type of person the research suggests is your ideal partner. The results may surprise you. Remember, we're not just looking for someone who shares your taste in music and movies; we're looking for the person you can happily spend the rest of your life with.
*You enjoy being successful and love being around people who share your taste for the finer things in life.
*You'd be most happy with a partner who, like you, is motivated to move up in the world.
*A partner who shares your life goals – financial and otherwise – will understand where your coming from and make it easier for you to attain your goals.
*You, more than others, need to be confident that in times of need, your partner will be there for you to help you through
*You probably prefer stable relationships that offer you some degree of predictability.
*It's important to you to have your marriage formally recognized – by the government, a religious or spiritual institution.
(I find these all to be true)
About You and Your Ideal Partner
Understanding your core personality is an important step in knowing how you relate to the world and those around you. If you understand which characteristics define you as an individual, it will make it easier to identify important characteristics in a prospective partner. In completing your Personality Portrait you also told us about which traits you would like, and dislike, in a marriage partner. You may find these traits to be different from those of past relationships. Don't be surprised if your ideal partner sounds a lot like you. Research has shown that people are more likely to be happy with spouses who share personality traits with them.
HOW DOES YOUR ANSWER COMPARE?
You are one of 58% of respondents who like unpredictable situations
Here's what you told us about your personality and your ideal partner:
*You enjoy being successful and love being around people who share your taste for the finer things in life.
*You'd be most happy with a partner who, like you, is motivated to move up in the world.
*A partner who shares your life goals – financial and otherwise – will understand where you're coming from and make it easier for you to attain your goals.
*You're conscientious, and people probably see you as a confident and dependable friend.
*You'll be happiest if your partner is similarly confident and dependable.
*You want your partner to share your commitment to making your marriage work.
*You project an energy and enthusiasm that makes it easy for people to connect with you.
*You're curious and open-minded – traits that attract people to you.
*You may have a hard time filtering out who's best for you because you get excited to meet all types.
*It's easy for you to meet and make new friends.
*To find the right partner, you need to remember you're looking not for just another friend, but for the person you spend the rest of your life with.
*You will need to keep yourself in check – making sure you wait for the right person who really suits you, not just the first person who comes along.
*You'd most likely thrive in a marriage that allows you to have an intimate relationship with someone who understands you also want to pursue individual interests, too.
*Even when you're in a loving, committed, relationship, you still crave time to follow your own hobbies and goals.
*You will be happiest if you hold out for someone who can offer you the emotional closeness you desire as well as the understanding that you sometimes will want to go off and do your own thing.
*You want your partner to be an extremely passionate person with an active sex drive.
Your Communication Style
Research indicates that communication is one of the most important components of a healthy, long-term relationship. Because people have different approaches to communication, you will find that some people are easier for you to get along with than others. To increase the chances of a successful relationship, we will introduce you to people we already know will be compatible with you in this regard.
HOW DOES YOUR ANSWER COMPARE?
You are one of 69% of respondents who want a relationship where there are no secrets between partners.
Here's what we learned about your communication style:
*You're comfortable talking about just about any topic.
*Whether you're just getting to know someone, or are considering a long-term relationship with them, you want to feel like you're becoming true friends.
*You, more than others, need to be confident that in times of need, your partner will be there for you to help you through.
*You like to check in with your partner from time to time – just to make sure things are still on track and in good shape.
*Some people might be wary of the high level of interaction you desire.
*You might not be happy with potential partners who blow things out of proportion, or avoid your questions.
What Kind of Relationship is Right For You?
Relationships, like people, are different. Some people want to spend most of their time with their partner, while others need lots of time to themselves with only occasional together time. Your relationships will be more successful if you and your partner share a similar relationship style.
HOW DOES YOUR ANSWER COMPARE?
You are one of 59% of respondents who believe that spending lots of time together is essential to the success of a relationship.
Here's what we learned about the type of relationship that's right for you:
*You probably prefer stable relationships that offer you some degree of predictability.
*You're a fairly sensitive person.
*You feel best when surrounded by calm people and places
What Do You Want Out of Marriage?
You should make sure that what you're looking for in a marriage is what your potential partners are looking for as well. Getting clear on your goals up front in a relationship will save you valuable time and energy.
HOW DOES YOUR ANSWER COMPARE?
You are one of 46% of respondents who want to have children in the future.
Your responses indicate the following feelings and attitudes towards marriage:
*It's important to you to have your marriage formally recognized – by the government, a religious or spiritual institution.
*You want to have a monogamous marriage.
*Whether or not religion is currently and important part of your life, you don't feel you have to share religious beliefs with your partner.
*You would like to own a home with your partner.
*Raising children is something you're looking forward to with your partner.
*You don't necessarily feel your partner and you need to share professional interests in order to be happy.
Friday, October 29, 2004
I WAKE UP SCREAMING
Wasn't that a movie or something?
I just want to scream, or yell.. or scream.. or yell.. or break something.
I'm so angry now, so upset, so hurt, so frustrated.. and so fucking tired... not just mentally, but physically, emotionally, and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.
I just want to scream, or yell.. or scream.. or yell.. or break something.
I'm so angry now, so upset, so hurt, so frustrated.. and so fucking tired... not just mentally, but physically, emotionally, and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.
My Horoscope
Have love matters been causing you excessive strain for a while now, JULIE? If so, you can expect that to end now. Someone you love very deeply reciprocates your feelings, and if there are differences between you, is very anxious to resolve them and look towards the future. This relationship will probably succeed - IF you go in with eyes wide open. Don't have unrealistic expectations of your partner. Learn to love human flaws as much as perfections.
(geez, this sounds familiar, I'm just hoping for the best)
(geez, this sounds familiar, I'm just hoping for the best)
TGIF
Thank god it is Friday. I'm so relieved, only like 7 more hours on the phone this week. Our 1 on 1's leave us today though. I'm sure I'll do fine, that is if, if I continue to get the easy calls.. ha...haha..
Missing T. like crazy. Haven't heard from him since the beginning of the week. Monday I think. He said.. " I'll call you when I get in tommorrow" and I've yet to hear from him the rest of the week. From the sounds of MYSPACE things went wonderful for him and the guys at their show on Wednesday. I'm extremely disappointed that he hasn't called. Expecially since, he said he wanted to see me Friday (today), because after the show he should be less busy this weekend. I really want to see him, but I won't hold my breath. The disappointment is too much.
I haven't emailed or called a million times like I usually do, but I've been soooo busy. Darian's Birthday was yesterday. I finally finished Darian's costume last nite, so she's all ready for trick or treat. So Dare and I will do some fun activities on Saturday nite.
Last nite, I talked this this guy on the phone. Someone I met from online (not in person), and he was very interesting and flirty. Not anyone I think I'd ever date, but cool regardless. The topic got sexual, and I started feeling guilty I guess, and something came up about phone sex, and he asked me I would. I was like "no", and because we were having a good time flirting and stuff, I kind of hesitated.. and was like... "honestly? I'm still in love with my ex, and he's all I really want right now." something to that effect. He seemed to understand, but... I feel like an asshole, for saying it, let alone holding out hope sometimes...
It sucks...
Well I have to get my daughter off to school.
Missing T. like crazy. Haven't heard from him since the beginning of the week. Monday I think. He said.. " I'll call you when I get in tommorrow" and I've yet to hear from him the rest of the week. From the sounds of MYSPACE things went wonderful for him and the guys at their show on Wednesday. I'm extremely disappointed that he hasn't called. Expecially since, he said he wanted to see me Friday (today), because after the show he should be less busy this weekend. I really want to see him, but I won't hold my breath. The disappointment is too much.
I haven't emailed or called a million times like I usually do, but I've been soooo busy. Darian's Birthday was yesterday. I finally finished Darian's costume last nite, so she's all ready for trick or treat. So Dare and I will do some fun activities on Saturday nite.
Last nite, I talked this this guy on the phone. Someone I met from online (not in person), and he was very interesting and flirty. Not anyone I think I'd ever date, but cool regardless. The topic got sexual, and I started feeling guilty I guess, and something came up about phone sex, and he asked me I would. I was like "no", and because we were having a good time flirting and stuff, I kind of hesitated.. and was like... "honestly? I'm still in love with my ex, and he's all I really want right now." something to that effect. He seemed to understand, but... I feel like an asshole, for saying it, let alone holding out hope sometimes...
It sucks...
Well I have to get my daughter off to school.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
What kind of flirt am I?
|
You Are a Friendly Flirt!You are quite the flirt, but you don't flirt with just anyone. And you hardly ever get caught, because your flirting seems so friendly. You've got a good thing going. Tons of friends, both guys and girls. And if you do decide to flirt, hardly anyone's the wiser. Pretty trick! What Kind of Flirt Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |
Do you ruin the relationship?
|
You Are A Relationship Rescuer!You don't ruin relationships, if anything you keep them together The key: you respect yourself and your guy. Which goes further than you might think. You simply treat your guy how you would like to be treated... the old golden rule. And in return, he treats you like gold - or at least tries. And how perfect is that Do You Ruin Relationships? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |
What kind of girlfriend am I??
|
You Are The Girlfriend From Hell!You're hell on wheels, which is sometimes a good thing. But it's often a bad thing, as you usually leave your guy's head spinning. Slow down, or else your relationship will end in a loud crash. Or you'll end up with a guy so wild - even you can't tame him. What Kind Of Girlfriend Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |
Where will I find LOVE?
You'll Find Love OnlineDating in meatspace is way too complicated and time consuming for you You rather find a ton of guys at the click of a button So go on, and have some fun in your online dating adventure Just make sure perfectguy@mrright.com is who he says he is Where Will You Find Love? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |
|
What kind of PJ's are you?
The PJ's You Are Most Like: Comfortable PJ'sYou're a bit conservative, traditional, and tend to follow conventions You have an understated, easy sexyness that men love People instantly find comfort in you, and you're a "best friend" to many. What Kind of PJ's Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |
|
What do guys like about me???
Guys Like That You're FunYou're the type of girl guys brag about knowing That's because you're cool, funny, and laid back You're smart enough to know how to be one of the guys But flirty enough to know how to make them all want you What Do Guys Like About You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |
|
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR PASSION
Your Passion is Black!
Passionate? Sure. Twisted? Absolutely.
You're seriously into a rush of emotions...
But often times it's mixed with a rush of pain.
You're all about the dark side of love, life, and lust.
What Color Is Your Passion?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
Monday, October 25, 2004
Convo with my friend Sersote....
I was talking with him, like I do on quite a few nites.. when he is free.. One of the first questions out of his mouth is...Still the soap opera with T.? I reply that it is, and explain to him the latest. I just got an email today from T. that only said " hi..." I was confused... but ok... I'm sure he's off busy with the band. But anyway.. I know T. loves me and I told Sersote this, and he asked if I was sure.. and said:
LOVE IS....
Needing to be with the person at all times. Being driven insane by not being close to them, hearing their voice, having their company. Love gets you through a hard day at work just to know that you can go be with the person you love afterwards. At least that's what it is to me.
I do partly agree.. . but.. I'm trying to be patient with T., it just kills me, that he knows he could lose me, but is walking away anyone.
I wish someone read my blog, besides myself. At first it bothered me, that noone read it, now it bothers me that noone posts comments.
Anyway.. started taking the Prozac and Ativan today... just drowsy. We didn't really do anything at work today, so .. we will see how it goes tomorrow.
I'm tired and am going to go lay down.
LOVE IS....
Needing to be with the person at all times. Being driven insane by not being close to them, hearing their voice, having their company. Love gets you through a hard day at work just to know that you can go be with the person you love afterwards. At least that's what it is to me.
I do partly agree.. . but.. I'm trying to be patient with T., it just kills me, that he knows he could lose me, but is walking away anyone.
I wish someone read my blog, besides myself. At first it bothered me, that noone read it, now it bothers me that noone posts comments.
Anyway.. started taking the Prozac and Ativan today... just drowsy. We didn't really do anything at work today, so .. we will see how it goes tomorrow.
I'm tired and am going to go lay down.
HOT OR NOT
src="http://www.hotornot.com/js/rate/?eid=OMRESUG&key=QFA&histogram=1&pic=1">Are You HOT or NOT?
Who's Your Mr. Right?
Took this test on ivilliage
Note: Scores are rounded to one decimal place and therefore may not total 100%
You scored 60%
The Fun-Loving Fellow
Party on! Whether at a gathering with friends or in line at a movie, you pick out the most personable guy of the group, and it's easy to see why: You enjoy a good time and a good laugh and need someone who can appreciate these as much as you do. A man like this is great to have in your life because he can hold his own in any situation, and with anybody. The one downside is that he is not necessarily discerning. He may as easily chat up your three-year-old niece as his beautiful next-door neighbor. But don't let his flirting be his fatal flaw; instead, remember it's what drew you to him in the first place. But do keep in mind that his "playfulness" may make it tough for him to settle down.
You scored 20%
The Confident Chap
You definitely know what you want -- a guy who's sure of himself. It's this self-assuredness that has gotten him where he wants to be. Perhaps he's at the top of the corporate ladder, the president of his condo board or the most sought-after when his friends need advice. What you gain in a relationship with this guy is a companion who knows most of the answers and will make you feel safe and cared for. As great as this type of support can be, the reality is that your ideas and his won't always mesh. And once you tell him your take on a situation, he may argue with you and try to get you to see things his way. Don't let this get you down or make you stop thinking for yourself. As long as you don't let his strong personality overpower you or take away your independence, you and Mr. Confident can make quite a pair. After all, a difference in opinions makes any relationship more interesting.
You scored 10%
The Sensitive Guy
Isn't he sweet? You definitely go for the guy who has a serious case of feelings -- whether he wears them on his sleeve or not. Manners seem important to him, and to you. And it's a good bet your soul mate would as easily tune in to ballads on the radio as he would stage a protest against cruelty to animals. Tapping into his soft side, however, may not always be so easy. A guy who's clued in to his feelings may also be protective of them. So if you find yourself face-to-face with one of these sweeties, don't wait for him to make the first move. Let him know you want to get to know him better. Sensitive types think with their heart as well as their brain -- he'll get the hint.
You scored 10%
The Sporty Stud
In your arena, this guy is number one. You favor a man who likes football over one who brings flowers. Why? For starters, you're attracted to a competitive spirit and the drive to win. Not to mention, a guy who loves the game is probably pretty playful. Translated into a relationship, these qualities can be top-notch, although the same qualities that initially attract you may also drive you crazy. A competitive guy, for instance, may make a terrific athlete, but that same quality may also make him feel like he's in competition for your feelings -- with your friends, your family, your job and so on. Likewise, you may sometimes feel like you're in competition with his friends, athletic hobbies, etc. But remember, this type of man considers himself a team player, which means that in a relationship, you'll be able to count on him to be supportive, interested in your opinions and willing to work together to make the two of you a winning pair.
Note: Scores are rounded to one decimal place and therefore may not total 100%
You scored 60%
The Fun-Loving Fellow
Party on! Whether at a gathering with friends or in line at a movie, you pick out the most personable guy of the group, and it's easy to see why: You enjoy a good time and a good laugh and need someone who can appreciate these as much as you do. A man like this is great to have in your life because he can hold his own in any situation, and with anybody. The one downside is that he is not necessarily discerning. He may as easily chat up your three-year-old niece as his beautiful next-door neighbor. But don't let his flirting be his fatal flaw; instead, remember it's what drew you to him in the first place. But do keep in mind that his "playfulness" may make it tough for him to settle down.
You scored 20%
The Confident Chap
You definitely know what you want -- a guy who's sure of himself. It's this self-assuredness that has gotten him where he wants to be. Perhaps he's at the top of the corporate ladder, the president of his condo board or the most sought-after when his friends need advice. What you gain in a relationship with this guy is a companion who knows most of the answers and will make you feel safe and cared for. As great as this type of support can be, the reality is that your ideas and his won't always mesh. And once you tell him your take on a situation, he may argue with you and try to get you to see things his way. Don't let this get you down or make you stop thinking for yourself. As long as you don't let his strong personality overpower you or take away your independence, you and Mr. Confident can make quite a pair. After all, a difference in opinions makes any relationship more interesting.
You scored 10%
The Sensitive Guy
Isn't he sweet? You definitely go for the guy who has a serious case of feelings -- whether he wears them on his sleeve or not. Manners seem important to him, and to you. And it's a good bet your soul mate would as easily tune in to ballads on the radio as he would stage a protest against cruelty to animals. Tapping into his soft side, however, may not always be so easy. A guy who's clued in to his feelings may also be protective of them. So if you find yourself face-to-face with one of these sweeties, don't wait for him to make the first move. Let him know you want to get to know him better. Sensitive types think with their heart as well as their brain -- he'll get the hint.
You scored 10%
The Sporty Stud
In your arena, this guy is number one. You favor a man who likes football over one who brings flowers. Why? For starters, you're attracted to a competitive spirit and the drive to win. Not to mention, a guy who loves the game is probably pretty playful. Translated into a relationship, these qualities can be top-notch, although the same qualities that initially attract you may also drive you crazy. A competitive guy, for instance, may make a terrific athlete, but that same quality may also make him feel like he's in competition for your feelings -- with your friends, your family, your job and so on. Likewise, you may sometimes feel like you're in competition with his friends, athletic hobbies, etc. But remember, this type of man considers himself a team player, which means that in a relationship, you'll be able to count on him to be supportive, interested in your opinions and willing to work together to make the two of you a winning pair.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
WHY AM I SINGLE?
I'm single... well.. besides the fact that at this point, I want to be, I don't want anyone but T. now. I'm scared though, I don't want to lose him, but he doesn't make it easy. I just see us drifting apart, because what I really need is a commitment.
But I took this quiz, and it hit the nail on the head!!
Julie, you're single because you don't want to settle
You, more than others, have a fairy tale fantasy of how things should be. Ever since you were a kid, you've probably dreamed of the perfect wedding, coming home to a white picket fence, dog, and 2.2 kids (how does that work, anyway?). When someone asks what you're looking for, you don't skip a beat: You're likely to have a handy checklist that details your perfect partner. Hair and eye color, height, religion, education, career, interests, the list goes on.
While it's great to have standards ? Hey, you shouldn't have to settle, after all ? there's one slight glitch in your master plan: No one has made the grade in real life ? at least not yet. Next time you're out with someone, keep yourself from mentally checking that list, and give love ? and others ? a chance. That special someone who you've written off may be perfect for you after all...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't say I have a checklist for physical qualities though, I find that.. rather appalling, because that isn't what really counts, but they must:
1. Be physically attractive to me
2. Be funny
3. Be intelligent
4. Be compassionate
5. Be sensitive
6. Be honest
7. Be trustworthy
8. Be committed
9. Be motivated
10. Be able to put up with me :)
11. Believe in something
12. Believe in themselves
13. Believe in me
14. Be able to love & accept my daughter, as their own
15. Want to have a family
16. Be able to deal with my family and their prejustices, and stupidity
17. Be a little romantic
18. Be loving, caring, sensitive, but a little rough when I want it in bed
19. Be adventurous
20. Have some talent (of some kind)
21. I think I could go on forever, and since I never really thought about this as a list, I'm not sure this list is a GOOD thing.
But I took this quiz, and it hit the nail on the head!!
Julie, you're single because you don't want to settle
You, more than others, have a fairy tale fantasy of how things should be. Ever since you were a kid, you've probably dreamed of the perfect wedding, coming home to a white picket fence, dog, and 2.2 kids (how does that work, anyway?). When someone asks what you're looking for, you don't skip a beat: You're likely to have a handy checklist that details your perfect partner. Hair and eye color, height, religion, education, career, interests, the list goes on.
While it's great to have standards ? Hey, you shouldn't have to settle, after all ? there's one slight glitch in your master plan: No one has made the grade in real life ? at least not yet. Next time you're out with someone, keep yourself from mentally checking that list, and give love ? and others ? a chance. That special someone who you've written off may be perfect for you after all...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't say I have a checklist for physical qualities though, I find that.. rather appalling, because that isn't what really counts, but they must:
1. Be physically attractive to me
2. Be funny
3. Be intelligent
4. Be compassionate
5. Be sensitive
6. Be honest
7. Be trustworthy
8. Be committed
9. Be motivated
10. Be able to put up with me :)
11. Believe in something
12. Believe in themselves
13. Believe in me
14. Be able to love & accept my daughter, as their own
15. Want to have a family
16. Be able to deal with my family and their prejustices, and stupidity
17. Be a little romantic
18. Be loving, caring, sensitive, but a little rough when I want it in bed
19. Be adventurous
20. Have some talent (of some kind)
21. I think I could go on forever, and since I never really thought about this as a list, I'm not sure this list is a GOOD thing.
Friday, October 22, 2004
EMAILS
October 19th, 2004
Hi Julie,
This is me wanting to say hello.... Still no internet at the house. Sorry this is so short but I'm at work.
Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you.
Hope this helps...
T.
------------------------
Tone,
It helps a bit. I'm not doing well. I was hoping you'd of called me, at least to say hello. I really could use someone to talk to. I've been a mess since Sunday nite. I don't know what is wrong with me. All I do is cry, I feel like everything is falling apart. I really could use you now. Do you know when the net will be turned back on? Did you get ur harddrive fixed? Please call me.. whenever you can get the chance.. even if it late.
Julie
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
@ October 20th, 2004
Julie,
Luckily I did get the hard drive fixed, but Comcast is being a real about the internet (although they did get the cable tv on). I did try to call last night, but I got a message saying that the number could not be reached, I called twice around 2:30am, if that helps...
Try to think happy thoughts kiddo, and I'll try calling again when I get in tonight.
Hope this helps...
T.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 21st, 20004
Hello T.,
Not sure what to say right now, i'm a bit angry.My phone is working now, so unless you were dialing someone elses number.... you should of got me, unless you didn't bother to call.. which is at all possible. Just remember my number should be filed in your little black book, under B***h- its ***-***-****. Just wanted to make sure if you didn't hve the number, you do now. I'm sure you may have not go thru, the nite before, but. there should of been no reason why not last nite. I paid the money from my account for all our phones and got the phones "back on"... (long story. i hate verizon).
I dunno, I'm really upset already, so if I seem that I'm being mean thats why. I've been really depressed and stuff since Sunday. I don't know why, maybe .. I'm finally realizing it really is over between us. I just feel so alone, and helpless, and so fucked up right now. I barely make it thru work without crying, only to get in my car and cry the whole way home, until I get to Reading, then i compose myself again. I'm tired of being like this, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I'll end this here, as you are at work reading this, and stuff. All I wish, is for you to call, so I can talk to you.
Love,
Julie
--------------------
Hello Julie,
I miss you, and I apologize for being really busy lately (part of me feels like i shouldn't have to, but I'm goin to anyway), sadly , except for tonight, for the next 10 days its only going to get worse.
So this is the part where I suck in my pride, stroke my fur the wrong way, and beg your forgiveness.
Since Monday I've been getting in about 3am, my net only got turned on last night, and I still need to rewire the rest of the house, I've gotten no sleep, and except for tonight, I probably won't until the first weekend in November.
...And no I do not have a little black book, a little silver rolodex maybe, but currently the girl I call from there is you.
So ha......
Listen...I really need for you to hang in there. I really miss you, this is hard on me to, and it bugs me that you don't seem to realize that. You're only 2 hours away and I feel like you're on the other side of the world. This thing is only over, truly, if you want it to be. I.personnally do not.
I can't tell you what to think, but know that I'm not cheating on you (!!??!??!), I'm not fucking around, and except for running in NY, I'm not looking for anyone else.
You should hear from me later on tonight....
Love,
T.
-----------------------
Hey..
not sure what to say, I really want to just talk to you on the phone for a few minutes. My phone is fucked again, so.. if you get this message.. you can try to call .. if not please call the home phone.
I could really use your love and support. I know you don't think I understand, but.. its not because I dont' try, because I do. Just I don't feel like you understand me.
Your letter has me confused, because.. A. if we aren't together, how could you be cheating on me.. and B. I've asked you.. what are we now as "friends" and you've never really answered. C. I've told you I want to be your girlfriend, whatever that entails, and you've not even acknowledged that I've said it...
D. I'm just fucking confused, I hate holding off.. everything I want to say.. until god knows when, cuz I just hurt and get frustrated more.
I should lay down and try to get some sleep (yeah.. like i see that happening)...
Love,
Julie
please. if you can.. call me
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 22nd, 2004
T.,
Good morning, or something like that. Its going to be a long day for me today. I have this wierd as lady as my one on one. We are on the phones now. It makes time go faster though. I can't write much, but I just wanted to say something really quick, as I didn't hear from you last nite. I want to thank you for the emails you've sent first, because I do appreciate them greatly. But, I just wish that if you are that busy, you would just say that you are busy, and too busy to call. I really could use to talk to you, I've been having such a rough time. YES.. I know you are busy, but since we are friends, I'd figure you'd at least return my calls.. and say hey.. ya know. (for once I don't feel like I"m obsessively calling-- but do feel stupid for calling since I never get a call back). I do understand your busy, and since I'm not ur gf, I'm not bitching... ..
just if I was ur gf, I'd want to know what it was ur busy doing, and since I'm completely in the dark... I don't understand. I dont' understand, how hotornot is more important than me... I don't understand at all. But.. excuse my rant, this is NOT the reason I emailed.
I emailed because, I wanted to say something about something I learned at work LAMA,
L= Listen, A=Acknowledge, M=Make a statement, A=Ask a question
I learned, that the first two, Listen and Acknowledge are helpful in any aspect of life, and I feel this is why we keep going in circles. I don't feel you acknowledge anything I say, so then I don't think you are listening to me at all. Just a pointer.... its as simple as... "oh you are feeling bad... I'm sorry to hear that.." have some compassion... I mean, I'm not telling you that I feel bad because of you. I just feel bad... and I feel like I have noone, and that makes me feel worse. I know its my problem, and I have to deal with it, but.. my coping skills suck.. and I need help.
I will go now, have to get my a** in the shower.
Love,
Julie
Hi Julie,
This is me wanting to say hello.... Still no internet at the house. Sorry this is so short but I'm at work.
Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you.
Hope this helps...
T.
------------------------
Tone,
It helps a bit. I'm not doing well. I was hoping you'd of called me, at least to say hello. I really could use someone to talk to. I've been a mess since Sunday nite. I don't know what is wrong with me. All I do is cry, I feel like everything is falling apart. I really could use you now. Do you know when the net will be turned back on? Did you get ur harddrive fixed? Please call me.. whenever you can get the chance.. even if it late.
Julie
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
@ October 20th, 2004
Julie,
Luckily I did get the hard drive fixed, but Comcast is being a real about the internet (although they did get the cable tv on). I did try to call last night, but I got a message saying that the number could not be reached, I called twice around 2:30am, if that helps...
Try to think happy thoughts kiddo, and I'll try calling again when I get in tonight.
Hope this helps...
T.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 21st, 20004
Hello T.,
Not sure what to say right now, i'm a bit angry.My phone is working now, so unless you were dialing someone elses number.... you should of got me, unless you didn't bother to call.. which is at all possible. Just remember my number should be filed in your little black book, under B***h- its ***-***-****. Just wanted to make sure if you didn't hve the number, you do now. I'm sure you may have not go thru, the nite before, but. there should of been no reason why not last nite. I paid the money from my account for all our phones and got the phones "back on"... (long story. i hate verizon).
I dunno, I'm really upset already, so if I seem that I'm being mean thats why. I've been really depressed and stuff since Sunday. I don't know why, maybe .. I'm finally realizing it really is over between us. I just feel so alone, and helpless, and so fucked up right now. I barely make it thru work without crying, only to get in my car and cry the whole way home, until I get to Reading, then i compose myself again. I'm tired of being like this, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I'll end this here, as you are at work reading this, and stuff. All I wish, is for you to call, so I can talk to you.
Love,
Julie
--------------------
Hello Julie,
I miss you, and I apologize for being really busy lately (part of me feels like i shouldn't have to, but I'm goin to anyway), sadly , except for tonight, for the next 10 days its only going to get worse.
So this is the part where I suck in my pride, stroke my fur the wrong way, and beg your forgiveness.
Since Monday I've been getting in about 3am, my net only got turned on last night, and I still need to rewire the rest of the house, I've gotten no sleep, and except for tonight, I probably won't until the first weekend in November.
...And no I do not have a little black book, a little silver rolodex maybe, but currently the girl I call from there is you.
So ha......
Listen...I really need for you to hang in there. I really miss you, this is hard on me to, and it bugs me that you don't seem to realize that. You're only 2 hours away and I feel like you're on the other side of the world. This thing is only over, truly, if you want it to be. I.personnally do not.
I can't tell you what to think, but know that I'm not cheating on you (!!??!??!), I'm not fucking around, and except for running in NY, I'm not looking for anyone else.
You should hear from me later on tonight....
Love,
T.
-----------------------
Hey..
not sure what to say, I really want to just talk to you on the phone for a few minutes. My phone is fucked again, so.. if you get this message.. you can try to call .. if not please call the home phone.
I could really use your love and support. I know you don't think I understand, but.. its not because I dont' try, because I do. Just I don't feel like you understand me.
Your letter has me confused, because.. A. if we aren't together, how could you be cheating on me.. and B. I've asked you.. what are we now as "friends" and you've never really answered. C. I've told you I want to be your girlfriend, whatever that entails, and you've not even acknowledged that I've said it...
D. I'm just fucking confused, I hate holding off.. everything I want to say.. until god knows when, cuz I just hurt and get frustrated more.
I should lay down and try to get some sleep (yeah.. like i see that happening)...
Love,
Julie
please. if you can.. call me
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 22nd, 2004
T.,
Good morning, or something like that. Its going to be a long day for me today. I have this wierd as lady as my one on one. We are on the phones now. It makes time go faster though. I can't write much, but I just wanted to say something really quick, as I didn't hear from you last nite. I want to thank you for the emails you've sent first, because I do appreciate them greatly. But, I just wish that if you are that busy, you would just say that you are busy, and too busy to call. I really could use to talk to you, I've been having such a rough time. YES.. I know you are busy, but since we are friends, I'd figure you'd at least return my calls.. and say hey.. ya know. (for once I don't feel like I"m obsessively calling-- but do feel stupid for calling since I never get a call back). I do understand your busy, and since I'm not ur gf, I'm not bitching... ..
just if I was ur gf, I'd want to know what it was ur busy doing, and since I'm completely in the dark... I don't understand. I dont' understand, how hotornot is more important than me... I don't understand at all. But.. excuse my rant, this is NOT the reason I emailed.
I emailed because, I wanted to say something about something I learned at work LAMA,
L= Listen, A=Acknowledge, M=Make a statement, A=Ask a question
I learned, that the first two, Listen and Acknowledge are helpful in any aspect of life, and I feel this is why we keep going in circles. I don't feel you acknowledge anything I say, so then I don't think you are listening to me at all. Just a pointer.... its as simple as... "oh you are feeling bad... I'm sorry to hear that.." have some compassion... I mean, I'm not telling you that I feel bad because of you. I just feel bad... and I feel like I have noone, and that makes me feel worse. I know its my problem, and I have to deal with it, but.. my coping skills suck.. and I need help.
I will go now, have to get my a** in the shower.
Love,
Julie
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Ummm
Things are going ok.. atm. Wishing.. T. would call. I really need him. He emailed me today, and now I'm even more fucking confused.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Some Articles
My friend was in the paper today. I'm hoping he will get a new trial. Long story.. as to what this is all about. But I miss him, we were best friends for a long time. I just happened to get a letter from him today, and he gave me a good boost, and reminded me all the good things about self. Its in the Bradford Era Online Looks like you won't be able to see it if you click it, but basically he's trying to get a new trial. Long story, not up for talking about it right now.
And I saw an article, that tells men, what women need If only men could realize that!!
T. finally emailed me. Hopefully he will follow thru and call me tonite... since my PHONE is WORKING!!... we will see
I'm soo stressed out, but I have started Darian's costume tonite. So happy to have started it.
And I saw an article, that tells men, what women need If only men could realize that!!
T. finally emailed me. Hopefully he will follow thru and call me tonite... since my PHONE is WORKING!!... we will see
I'm soo stressed out, but I have started Darian's costume tonite. So happy to have started it.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Another Nite
Depression, still with me. Wish I had something to record my thoughts. It would be so much better, I can't think of what I thought on the way home.
Those thoughts are back though. U know.. the suicidal ones. I've thought, maybe I can hire some one to kill me eventually, or I could just have a tragic car accident. I know its sick, I know I'm ill. But I just want out, ya know. Its not running away, I just don't see what life really has to offer.
Without someone to really love you (and I'm not talking my daughter here) what is the point? Really?
I think my heart is finally starting to realize that no matter what I say to T. that he will never truely give me his all. He will never do what it is I want, and I say it that way, cuz I feel that this is what I want, and he doesn't. And I know I can't make him be with me, and I've asked him, and have had no real response. The only thing he really says, is that he didn't dump me... (and he did), and that he is still there for me, (and he isn't). I think my heart is finally starting to realize I really have to move on.
Those thoughts are back though. U know.. the suicidal ones. I've thought, maybe I can hire some one to kill me eventually, or I could just have a tragic car accident. I know its sick, I know I'm ill. But I just want out, ya know. Its not running away, I just don't see what life really has to offer.
Without someone to really love you (and I'm not talking my daughter here) what is the point? Really?
I think my heart is finally starting to realize that no matter what I say to T. that he will never truely give me his all. He will never do what it is I want, and I say it that way, cuz I feel that this is what I want, and he doesn't. And I know I can't make him be with me, and I've asked him, and have had no real response. The only thing he really says, is that he didn't dump me... (and he did), and that he is still there for me, (and he isn't). I think my heart is finally starting to realize I really have to move on.
Looking in the Mirror
Who is the face that looks back at me? It doesn't look familiar. Will it ever? Who is she? What will she do with her life? What will become of her?
That face is me, I know that, but at the same time, I don't know myself, and wish I did.
Right now, I feel like I seriously need some mental help, along with some other stuff..but thats not my point.
I feel like I'm on the edge, ready to fall, and I have noone to catch me. NOONE. I write here, and write here, and I used to feel like people listened, and I don't anymore. The only one that cares is Lisa. Or so it seems.
That face is me, I know that, but at the same time, I don't know myself, and wish I did.
Right now, I feel like I seriously need some mental help, along with some other stuff..but thats not my point.
I feel like I'm on the edge, ready to fall, and I have noone to catch me. NOONE. I write here, and write here, and I used to feel like people listened, and I don't anymore. The only one that cares is Lisa. Or so it seems.
My Communication Style - Tickle Tests
Julie, when talking to your partner, you're Expressive.
This means that you tend to be a passionate partner who isn't at all shy about communicating what you're thinking and feeling to your significant other. It can be very important to you that your partner both hears your perspectives and understands where you're coming from. As a result, in your mind it's often best to talk about problems immediately, even if that discussion leads to a heated discussion. That's the fiery passion in you. Your convictions are important to you and you're willing to defend them fervently if need be.
Experts agree that for a couple to thrive, they must be able to communicate. People with compatible communication styles tend to bring out the best in one another because their approach to relationships is like-minded. But if you're with someone whose communication style clashes with yours, you're headed for more challenges than most.
Who will you get along best with for the long run? How can you avoid the communication pitfalls that everyone experiences, and how can you improve your communication so you and your partner can have a happier, healthier relationship?
This means that you tend to be a passionate partner who isn't at all shy about communicating what you're thinking and feeling to your significant other. It can be very important to you that your partner both hears your perspectives and understands where you're coming from. As a result, in your mind it's often best to talk about problems immediately, even if that discussion leads to a heated discussion. That's the fiery passion in you. Your convictions are important to you and you're willing to defend them fervently if need be.
Experts agree that for a couple to thrive, they must be able to communicate. People with compatible communication styles tend to bring out the best in one another because their approach to relationships is like-minded. But if you're with someone whose communication style clashes with yours, you're headed for more challenges than most.
Who will you get along best with for the long run? How can you avoid the communication pitfalls that everyone experiences, and how can you improve your communication so you and your partner can have a happier, healthier relationship?
Monday, October 18, 2004
My heart..
My heart feels so alone,
and broken.
How do I pick up the pieces,
and save a little token?
I cry,
so much, so hard,
I can't let you in,
I'm on my guard.
Please don't hurt,
Please, please don't.
I can't take it anymore,
I won't.
Shit, this hurts so bad,
My heart is feels
SO FUCKING SAD.
FUCK YOU, I say,
FUCK YOU, I pray,
One day, these thoughts will pass,
It will never be soon enough,
That day.
-------------------------------------
There's another one of my quick lite poems.. or something like that. I really need to get like a mini digital recorder thingy, for my thoughts, when I'm away from home. They are much more interesting and intellectual. Then I can listen and blog them later. On my Xmas wish list. I'm feeling depressed since yesterday. I was doing ok today, till I started thinking of T.. Especially on my way home from work. It was raining, and I was bawling my eyes out. I keep thinking, YES.. this is for the best.. and trying to tell myself all the complications that could come, if we did get back together. I tried so hard to tell myself, its not worth the time and energy... BUT I WON'T BELIEVE IT. IT is.. I know it is... it has to be... I love him, he loves me... I want to understand, why its not worth fighting for, but.. anything.. good, is hard... anything easy.. isn't worth the time. Why won't he commit to me? WHY?? Am I that aweful? AM I that possessive? I was thinking.. ya know.. I don't give him enough space.. (i don't really understand that either--we never see each other) Am I sufficateing him? like I felt sufficated (fuck i can't spell) by EPB? If so, then we definately shouldn't be together, cuz that's not something you can just get over. I remember T... telling me a million and one times, he's needy, but I don't see it. I don't.
and broken.
How do I pick up the pieces,
and save a little token?
I cry,
so much, so hard,
I can't let you in,
I'm on my guard.
Please don't hurt,
Please, please don't.
I can't take it anymore,
I won't.
Shit, this hurts so bad,
My heart is feels
SO FUCKING SAD.
FUCK YOU, I say,
FUCK YOU, I pray,
One day, these thoughts will pass,
It will never be soon enough,
That day.
-------------------------------------
There's another one of my quick lite poems.. or something like that. I really need to get like a mini digital recorder thingy, for my thoughts, when I'm away from home. They are much more interesting and intellectual. Then I can listen and blog them later. On my Xmas wish list. I'm feeling depressed since yesterday. I was doing ok today, till I started thinking of T.. Especially on my way home from work. It was raining, and I was bawling my eyes out. I keep thinking, YES.. this is for the best.. and trying to tell myself all the complications that could come, if we did get back together. I tried so hard to tell myself, its not worth the time and energy... BUT I WON'T BELIEVE IT. IT is.. I know it is... it has to be... I love him, he loves me... I want to understand, why its not worth fighting for, but.. anything.. good, is hard... anything easy.. isn't worth the time. Why won't he commit to me? WHY?? Am I that aweful? AM I that possessive? I was thinking.. ya know.. I don't give him enough space.. (i don't really understand that either--we never see each other) Am I sufficateing him? like I felt sufficated (fuck i can't spell) by EPB? If so, then we definately shouldn't be together, cuz that's not something you can just get over. I remember T... telling me a million and one times, he's needy, but I don't see it. I don't.
ONE MORE REPORT...
Romantic Compatibility Report for
Julie & Anthony
Julie's Sun Square Anthony's Neptune:
You must guard against mutual deception and misunderstandings. Julie tends to have an unrealistic view of Anthony, and Anthony has a tendency to unconsciously capitalize on Julie's imaginative and often simply erroneous perceptions. The tendency to be dishonest, hide things from each other, exaggerate, and spur each other to unrealistic hopes and dreams is very strong. Both of you must be able to distinguish fantasy from fact, and utilize the increased sensitivity and heightened imagination that you inspire in each other, without letting it cloud your ability to clearly and realistically see other and understand each other.
Anthony's Sun Trine Julie's Uranus:
Playfulness and a zest for newness infuse your realtionship. You really spark each other's imagination and creativity. This quality is especially welcome in a long-term relationship because you will not fall into a lifeless routine. You spur each other to explore, take risks, and develop new creative outlets. You encourage each other's independence and you have faith in one another's creative, inventive ideas and interests.
Julie's Sun Sextile Anthony's Saturn:
If the two of you depend on each other to accomplish practical tasks and be responsible, mature, and dependable to each other (such as in a business relationship or employer-employee relationship), then you will find that this aspect of your relationship is excellent. You can trust each other to get the job done and focus on the essential tasks. You have good attention to detail and your are able to focus on the most important issues when you work together. There is a strong sense of mutual commitment and dedication to each other.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feeling better now, not because of this astrology, because .. I find it more fun than realistic, plus it gets me thinking about things. My headache is subsideing, and I got to talk to a new person online. (from hotornot). I was nice, but I mostly talked about T. The guy didn't seem to mind though. He helped cheer me up. But anyway... I need to get my sweet ass to bed. Nite.
Julie & Anthony
Julie's Sun Square Anthony's Neptune:
You must guard against mutual deception and misunderstandings. Julie tends to have an unrealistic view of Anthony, and Anthony has a tendency to unconsciously capitalize on Julie's imaginative and often simply erroneous perceptions. The tendency to be dishonest, hide things from each other, exaggerate, and spur each other to unrealistic hopes and dreams is very strong. Both of you must be able to distinguish fantasy from fact, and utilize the increased sensitivity and heightened imagination that you inspire in each other, without letting it cloud your ability to clearly and realistically see other and understand each other.
Anthony's Sun Trine Julie's Uranus:
Playfulness and a zest for newness infuse your realtionship. You really spark each other's imagination and creativity. This quality is especially welcome in a long-term relationship because you will not fall into a lifeless routine. You spur each other to explore, take risks, and develop new creative outlets. You encourage each other's independence and you have faith in one another's creative, inventive ideas and interests.
Julie's Sun Sextile Anthony's Saturn:
If the two of you depend on each other to accomplish practical tasks and be responsible, mature, and dependable to each other (such as in a business relationship or employer-employee relationship), then you will find that this aspect of your relationship is excellent. You can trust each other to get the job done and focus on the essential tasks. You have good attention to detail and your are able to focus on the most important issues when you work together. There is a strong sense of mutual commitment and dedication to each other.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feeling better now, not because of this astrology, because .. I find it more fun than realistic, plus it gets me thinking about things. My headache is subsideing, and I got to talk to a new person online. (from hotornot). I was nice, but I mostly talked about T. The guy didn't seem to mind though. He helped cheer me up. But anyway... I need to get my sweet ass to bed. Nite.
hehehh.. a BS Report..
FREE Sample Sexual Soul Mates Report for
Julie & Anthony
Your Desire: The Basis of Your Mutual Attraction
Anthony's Venus Conjunct Julie's Jupiter:
You put one another truly at ease; you love to have fun and are always laughing and enjoying life together. Your sexual relationship likely shares this sunny disposition -- and the best part is, you're both almost incapable of jealousy! You allow one another a great deal of freedom; neither of you likes exclusivity or possessiveness. You are able to treat one another with genuine generosity -- a wonderful gift from both of you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think I'm the queen of jealousy.. at least when he's not around. When.. he's here.. I know I have his attention, and have no reason to be jealous. Though, if he checked out another girl, I'd probably be....
Julie & Anthony
Your Desire: The Basis of Your Mutual Attraction
Anthony's Venus Conjunct Julie's Jupiter:
You put one another truly at ease; you love to have fun and are always laughing and enjoying life together. Your sexual relationship likely shares this sunny disposition -- and the best part is, you're both almost incapable of jealousy! You allow one another a great deal of freedom; neither of you likes exclusivity or possessiveness. You are able to treat one another with genuine generosity -- a wonderful gift from both of you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think I'm the queen of jealousy.. at least when he's not around. When.. he's here.. I know I have his attention, and have no reason to be jealous. Though, if he checked out another girl, I'd probably be....
Free Sample Astrology Report
YES!! I AM BORED!! For some reason the computer is helping my headache.. please don't ask.. I don't understand...
I entered his name as his real name (he was born with--and the bday he gave me.. I wasn't sure where he was born, but assume Baltimore, since he's lived there his whole life)
Birth Data for Julie:
Birth Date................... February 15, 1979
Birth Location............. Port Allegany, PA
Birth Data for Anthony:
Birth Date................... July 16, 1968
Birth Location............. Baltimore, MD
SECTION I: How Julie Relates to Other People
Venus Trine Saturn with an orb between 1/2 and 1 degree
While you may not be emotionally demonstrative or sentimental, you love deeply, lastingly and loyally. You may be strongly drawn to people either much older or much younger than you are. Love, for you, has always entailed an enormous amount of responsibility.
Sun SemiSquare Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree
Your love nature is very turbulent. You form relationships impulsively and then worry it's with the wrong person. There seems to be a dichotomy between the person you know yourself to be and the person you feel you should be in order to be valued and loved.
Sun Square Uranus with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees
You are restless and independent and, no matter how close you become to someone, you always remain your own person and there is a part of yourself you cannot share. You are uncompromisingly true to your convictions which must be shared by those close to you.
SECTION II: How Anthony Relates to Other People
Sun Trine Neptune with an orb of less than 1/2 degree
One of your great strengths is your sensitivity. You tune in easily to the psyches of other people and, while you may not notice the color of their eyes, have an almost eerie understanding of their private inner worlds. Your close ties are very private.
Sun Square Saturn with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees
Your self-esteem is based less upon what you are in your own or others' eyes than on what you do. You may become so compulsive about achievement that you cannot relax into a warm, enduring relationship until you have achieved some success in your career.
Sun Sextile Uranus with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees
You have a unique view of life and have been fortunate in finding friends and partners with whom you can share it. Your relationships will be most successful when you also have in your life an interest, goal or project which absorbs both of you equally.
Sun Sextile Pluto with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees
You regenerate yourself through periodic transformations of your life situation. Your relationships can only endure if your partners grow and change with you so that you wind up still pointed in the same direction. Otherwise you will leave them behind.
Mercury Sextile Jupiter with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees
You have a quality people trust and you are often sought after as a confidante or an advisor. You have high moral and ethical standards and it is imperative that anyone you're close to is a person of the highest integrity. You prefer well-educated people.
Venus Sextile Uranus with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees
There is nothing humdrum about the way that you love. You have a flair for the unusual and the creative and are drawn to those who shun the conventional. You shy away from those who tend to be over-possessive. Your love affairs are also wonderful friendships.
I entered his name as his real name (he was born with--and the bday he gave me.. I wasn't sure where he was born, but assume Baltimore, since he's lived there his whole life)
Birth Data for Julie:
Birth Date................... February 15, 1979
Birth Location............. Port Allegany, PA
Birth Data for Anthony:
Birth Date................... July 16, 1968
Birth Location............. Baltimore, MD
SECTION I: How Julie Relates to Other People
Venus Trine Saturn with an orb between 1/2 and 1 degree
While you may not be emotionally demonstrative or sentimental, you love deeply, lastingly and loyally. You may be strongly drawn to people either much older or much younger than you are. Love, for you, has always entailed an enormous amount of responsibility.
Sun SemiSquare Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree
Your love nature is very turbulent. You form relationships impulsively and then worry it's with the wrong person. There seems to be a dichotomy between the person you know yourself to be and the person you feel you should be in order to be valued and loved.
Sun Square Uranus with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees
You are restless and independent and, no matter how close you become to someone, you always remain your own person and there is a part of yourself you cannot share. You are uncompromisingly true to your convictions which must be shared by those close to you.
SECTION II: How Anthony Relates to Other People
Sun Trine Neptune with an orb of less than 1/2 degree
One of your great strengths is your sensitivity. You tune in easily to the psyches of other people and, while you may not notice the color of their eyes, have an almost eerie understanding of their private inner worlds. Your close ties are very private.
Sun Square Saturn with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees
Your self-esteem is based less upon what you are in your own or others' eyes than on what you do. You may become so compulsive about achievement that you cannot relax into a warm, enduring relationship until you have achieved some success in your career.
Sun Sextile Uranus with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees
You have a unique view of life and have been fortunate in finding friends and partners with whom you can share it. Your relationships will be most successful when you also have in your life an interest, goal or project which absorbs both of you equally.
Sun Sextile Pluto with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees
You regenerate yourself through periodic transformations of your life situation. Your relationships can only endure if your partners grow and change with you so that you wind up still pointed in the same direction. Otherwise you will leave them behind.
Mercury Sextile Jupiter with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees
You have a quality people trust and you are often sought after as a confidante or an advisor. You have high moral and ethical standards and it is imperative that anyone you're close to is a person of the highest integrity. You prefer well-educated people.
Venus Sextile Uranus with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees
There is nothing humdrum about the way that you love. You have a flair for the unusual and the creative and are drawn to those who shun the conventional. You shy away from those who tend to be over-possessive. Your love affairs are also wonderful friendships.
Sadness
I've been feeling down all day. I'm overly cranky and bitchy. All I've done today is yell at Darian. I feel so lonely, so sad, so hopeless at this moment. I have faith this will pass, but I'm not sure how to deal with it. I feel like an idiot, I can't even figure out how to use a sewing machine. Here I am.. I can show you how to surf the internet, build a website, tell you how to change the oil in your car, paint you a picture, build a bookshelf, and am preparing to take the MENSA test, and I can't even figure out how to operate a fucking sewing machine.
I'm missing T. like crazy. I talk to other guys, on the phone and online, just as friends, though I flirt more than I did, when me and T. where together, and it all doesn't matter. I always think of him. I always miss him. I can't even masturbate without thinking of him. I was in bed a few minutes ago, pleasuring myself, and after I came... I started bawling... because of how much I miss him at this moment. Plus that didn't help my throbbing head, its been hurting alot this week. i need therapy.
I know one thing that I want in a relationship, though I've never really had it.. just a little romance... ya know.. flowers, a song, a poem.... a card.. something special on the holidays...
I'm so sad, I just want to me held. I want T. to be here and hold me. I miss him so much. Part of me just wants to sit and wait this out, and see how he feels, and see if he wants to get back together, and the other part of me.. just wants to let go, and move on, so he'll never get the chance to hurt me. I do want to be with him though. I know he's not perfect, nor am I ... but being with him, makes me want to be a better person. He makes me feel complete... special, and loved. When he's with me, I have no doubt on his love.. no doubt. I just wish I could be part of his life. I wish I could say something to him that would make a difference on him thinking that we should be broke up.
I'm missing T. like crazy. I talk to other guys, on the phone and online, just as friends, though I flirt more than I did, when me and T. where together, and it all doesn't matter. I always think of him. I always miss him. I can't even masturbate without thinking of him. I was in bed a few minutes ago, pleasuring myself, and after I came... I started bawling... because of how much I miss him at this moment. Plus that didn't help my throbbing head, its been hurting alot this week. i need therapy.
I know one thing that I want in a relationship, though I've never really had it.. just a little romance... ya know.. flowers, a song, a poem.... a card.. something special on the holidays...
I'm so sad, I just want to me held. I want T. to be here and hold me. I miss him so much. Part of me just wants to sit and wait this out, and see how he feels, and see if he wants to get back together, and the other part of me.. just wants to let go, and move on, so he'll never get the chance to hurt me. I do want to be with him though. I know he's not perfect, nor am I ... but being with him, makes me want to be a better person. He makes me feel complete... special, and loved. When he's with me, I have no doubt on his love.. no doubt. I just wish I could be part of his life. I wish I could say something to him that would make a difference on him thinking that we should be broke up.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Was looking..
for something.. about. how to give your man the space he needs...
and came upon this : How To Live Your Life
Some things I liked:
F. RELATIONSHIPS
56. Do Not Expect Others to Bring You Happiness.
All by yourself, you are a complete and perfect creation. All the answers you need are within you. Do your spirit work. Nurture, cherish, honor, and feed your spirit. Another person cannot fill a hole in your soul that exists if you do not love yourself. Reach out to help others. Extend love to them. Give, and you will receive.
63. You Cannot Solve Other People's Problems.
People will come to you with their tales of woe. You can offer them kindness or be a sounding board for them, but they are really the only ones who can solve things for themselves. You cannot travel their journey for them; we must each walk our own path.
64. Do Not Let Another Person Crush Your Spirit.
Some people are hostile, negative or angry all the time. If you live or work with someone like this, it can destroy your spirit. You begin to feel hopeless and defeated. You deserve better. Do not let these people trick you into thinking that you are the cause of their difficulties. Negative people need to take ownership of their own emotional baggage, problems, and issues. You have a right to be happy. You deserve it. You will reflect God's grace when you are happy. You will spread joy and radiate love. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
66. Look Beyond a Person's Actions and Try to See Their Goodness
Some people are hurting and sad, and they act like jerks. Most people don't want to act jerky; in fact, they probably hate it and themselves. If you can see that spark of goodness in them, then you will be free of being hurt by them. Can you reach out to them with kindness and see how far it gets you? Maybe there is a wonderful person inside of them struggling to get out, and you just might help open that door.
67. Don't Let Anger Take Over in an Argument.
You'll regret what you say; and you will resolve nothing. Everyone will shut down. So keep a cool head. If necessary, detach yourself. Don't take anything personally, and try to reach a resolution or compromise. "When anger enters, reason flies out the window."
68. Women: Don't Expect Men to Think Like You.
They can't. Don't take it personally.
69. Tips for Men about Women.
Women love to talk and analyze. Force yourself to talk to the woman in your life. Make conversation. Try not to shut down or leave when you feel uncomfortable or upset. Talk about it; don't be so afraid of your feminine side. Having a macho attitude does not work as well as being better balanced. Hint: Women love to receive flowers. (They don't have to be roses. Most women like all flowers.)
Just a few of what I liked, thought I'd post....
and came upon this : How To Live Your Life
Some things I liked:
F. RELATIONSHIPS
56. Do Not Expect Others to Bring You Happiness.
All by yourself, you are a complete and perfect creation. All the answers you need are within you. Do your spirit work. Nurture, cherish, honor, and feed your spirit. Another person cannot fill a hole in your soul that exists if you do not love yourself. Reach out to help others. Extend love to them. Give, and you will receive.
63. You Cannot Solve Other People's Problems.
People will come to you with their tales of woe. You can offer them kindness or be a sounding board for them, but they are really the only ones who can solve things for themselves. You cannot travel their journey for them; we must each walk our own path.
64. Do Not Let Another Person Crush Your Spirit.
Some people are hostile, negative or angry all the time. If you live or work with someone like this, it can destroy your spirit. You begin to feel hopeless and defeated. You deserve better. Do not let these people trick you into thinking that you are the cause of their difficulties. Negative people need to take ownership of their own emotional baggage, problems, and issues. You have a right to be happy. You deserve it. You will reflect God's grace when you are happy. You will spread joy and radiate love. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
66. Look Beyond a Person's Actions and Try to See Their Goodness
Some people are hurting and sad, and they act like jerks. Most people don't want to act jerky; in fact, they probably hate it and themselves. If you can see that spark of goodness in them, then you will be free of being hurt by them. Can you reach out to them with kindness and see how far it gets you? Maybe there is a wonderful person inside of them struggling to get out, and you just might help open that door.
67. Don't Let Anger Take Over in an Argument.
You'll regret what you say; and you will resolve nothing. Everyone will shut down. So keep a cool head. If necessary, detach yourself. Don't take anything personally, and try to reach a resolution or compromise. "When anger enters, reason flies out the window."
68. Women: Don't Expect Men to Think Like You.
They can't. Don't take it personally.
69. Tips for Men about Women.
Women love to talk and analyze. Force yourself to talk to the woman in your life. Make conversation. Try not to shut down or leave when you feel uncomfortable or upset. Talk about it; don't be so afraid of your feminine side. Having a macho attitude does not work as well as being better balanced. Hint: Women love to receive flowers. (They don't have to be roses. Most women like all flowers.)
Just a few of what I liked, thought I'd post....
Saturday, October 16, 2004
A Random, well not so random, previous thought
Before I talked with T. I had this in my mind, and I still do, though, not sure how to apply it to my life and wanting to be with T.
I always thought about the man that I would end up with, the man that showed me respect forever, because of his love and commitment. I always had this thought, since I was diagnosed with HPV over 6 years ago, that the man that will.. if you say "prove" himself to me, well he would, offer to go with me and get tested before we even had a sexual relationship. Trust is a two way street. Sure, I am honest, and say.. (before I'm in a sexual relationship-- I try to bring it up, when sex comes up, so they can decide--as soon as possible) I was diagnosed with HPV (fill in the blank-- 6 years ago now). I was treated, and haven't had any symptoms for over 5 years. My paps have come back normal, but.. back when I was diagnosed.. it was thought that once you have the virus, you always have it. Now new studies are showing that, sometimes your body fights it off. There is no standard test, that (almost any) doctor will do, to test for HPV. Its too expensive, and as far as I know (and have read) you can't get it.. So .. back to my thought. The man, that would if we want to use the word "prove" himself.. would go get tested with me.. (and would offer).. before we had sex.. then we would still wait.. 6 months ( I know.. a long time--) and get tested again, and get the results before we had sexual relations. (blah I sound like my first doctor "relations")
But.. anyway.... that was what I wanted, since I found out.. about it. I don't always trust the.. "I've been tested" line guys give ya. 1. The men can't even tell you what they were tested for.. "ohhhh.. just everything" 2. Doctors/clinics don't test for everything, especially.. HPV Plus... HIV is a separate test, that you have sign a form about. It just makes me feel safer.. because.. well with T. Since I was upset for the last week, I really had random thoughts about him sleeping with someone else, or messing around with someone else, and getting something and giving it back to me. I was really upset about it. Until the other nite when we talked. When we talked it reassured me, that he did love me, and care for me... and that he would never cheat on me. It made me feel better
I always thought about the man that I would end up with, the man that showed me respect forever, because of his love and commitment. I always had this thought, since I was diagnosed with HPV over 6 years ago, that the man that will.. if you say "prove" himself to me, well he would, offer to go with me and get tested before we even had a sexual relationship. Trust is a two way street. Sure, I am honest, and say.. (before I'm in a sexual relationship-- I try to bring it up, when sex comes up, so they can decide--as soon as possible) I was diagnosed with HPV (fill in the blank-- 6 years ago now). I was treated, and haven't had any symptoms for over 5 years. My paps have come back normal, but.. back when I was diagnosed.. it was thought that once you have the virus, you always have it. Now new studies are showing that, sometimes your body fights it off. There is no standard test, that (almost any) doctor will do, to test for HPV. Its too expensive, and as far as I know (and have read) you can't get it.. So .. back to my thought. The man, that would if we want to use the word "prove" himself.. would go get tested with me.. (and would offer).. before we had sex.. then we would still wait.. 6 months ( I know.. a long time--) and get tested again, and get the results before we had sexual relations. (blah I sound like my first doctor "relations")
But.. anyway.... that was what I wanted, since I found out.. about it. I don't always trust the.. "I've been tested" line guys give ya. 1. The men can't even tell you what they were tested for.. "ohhhh.. just everything" 2. Doctors/clinics don't test for everything, especially.. HPV Plus... HIV is a separate test, that you have sign a form about. It just makes me feel safer.. because.. well with T. Since I was upset for the last week, I really had random thoughts about him sleeping with someone else, or messing around with someone else, and getting something and giving it back to me. I was really upset about it. Until the other nite when we talked. When we talked it reassured me, that he did love me, and care for me... and that he would never cheat on me. It made me feel better
Friday, October 15, 2004
Ok
So much I want to say. T. and I talked last nite. I was actually quite wonderful. Though I wonder if he even knows how much I appreciate it. I wasn't expecting it at all, and I really needed it alot. I needed to know he loved me. Though, still a bit confused, not as much as I was before. He was like.. " I didn't dump you" Thats not what I heard, nor felt. But.. he made sure I knew he cared, and he made sure I knew he loved me. It felt so good. It brought back that awesome happy feeling I get when he's around.
I still have so many random thoughts about it. I want it to work. I want a commitment. I want to say.. "T.. YES.. he's MY bf" and eventually.. still hoping.. "YES.. he's MY husband!" I know I'm FUCKING crazy. I can't imagine being with anyone else.
I've been asked on dates already... I mean.. I knew it would come, but it drives me nuts. My heart was hurting soo bad. I was so overwhelmed, and I refuse to give any of the creeps a chance. I only want T. I want him to ask me back out.. or say yes. if I ask him out. I want that commitment. I just want my dream. I want a family. I want T. to be that family... I want to make babies.. eventually...
I know things won't be perfect, but I'm willing to give it my all. I just want a chance. I guess, until the weekend before last, I didn't realize.. he was one of those guys, that need "space". I mean.. we hardly see each other, so it was hard for me to understand why he needed space from me.
I was going to write about alot of things here, but some of my opinions have changed, just from talking to T. last nite. I will end with a copy of our last emails.
T..
Just trying to understand. I want to believe me. I just wanted to make sure you knew that once its over its over, and for me, their is no going back. I can't let you ever break my heart twice. (I'm not trying to be mean). I do understand what you mean to a point, but the more I learn about you, the more I wonder what you are hiding, or what you are afraid of. I wonder could I have done something different, etc.
I wonder how you could be my friend and do what you did to me. Part of me knows this is for the best, whether it was because of the reasons you said.. (which don't make sense to me), or because your afraid of commitment, or whether you want to see other people, or whatever the reason is. Its just I still feel like you are hiding something, and no matter how aweful it is, I want to know the truth. Thats all I've ever asked for.
Part of me wants to just go on and on, but I wont. I need to get to bed. I haven't been feeling well and need my rest. I hope you had a Happy Wednesday, and had a good time with the boys.
Hope to talk to you soon,
Julie
HIS RESPONSE:
Julie,
My internet is out at the house, so I'm doing this at work (hence why its so
short).
I don't really know what to say, you're going to do what you're going to do.
I've told you things about me that I've told few other people, so I'm not sure
where you are getting this "hiding something" stuff from.
Wednesday the guys and I listened to our new cd which we got back from the
mastering plant, If I had internet you could hear it on myspace, but I don't so
we spending the other time collecting art so we can release this thing.
Julie I love you, and I think we could be great friends (possibly even better
friends then lovers 'cause it requires a different head space).
But do what you have to do, and if I cant go back I'll just chalk it up to
ruining another relationship, wipe my tears, and hopefully learn from my
mistakes.
T.
AND MY LAST EMAIL (from last nite--I actually read it to him over the phone before we got off--cuz his email is down):
Tone,
Not sure what to say. Its ok, that its short. I'm just glad you wrote me.
I do feel like you are hiding something, but its only probably because you aren't as open as I am. I'm just guessing that. I do love when you open up to me. It means alot to me.
So whys ur internet out at home? I still have issues with myspace.. blah. So do I get that autographed copy? :)
I don't know about the better friends than lovers thing, maybe.. maybe not. But I'll always be jealous... because I want you. Though I've had doubts about things in our relationship, I never doubted we could work things out. I just don't understand why you wont give "us" a chance. I understand things won't be how.. I want them, and I know things won't be perfect. I just want to know that you care. Every time you date someone, my heart will break again. I'll always wonder, what if. I don't think one month is long enough to say.. I give up. You told me.. I didn't give you a chance, one week before you dumped.. and I agreed, that I wasn't. In a way I was sabotoging the relationshp. You yourself had said that. Had I not been honest, in talking to you, I'd of never said "that" and we'd still be together. Thats what I wanted you to know though.. if "we" are over, and we move on, I won't be able to give you that chance to try again. Especially since what I want is a commitment, and I don't understand, why we can't be commited to one another, and just maybe take a small step back from the relationship. The only differences I see from "us" and us being "friends" is that 1. I don't expect anything, especially the phone calls 2. You are free to fuck, and do whatever you want with any woman (women)... 3. You actually email me back whenver I email you 4. we don't talk on the phone. and I can't think of anymore atm.
I'm only going to do what I have to do, because I can't allow you to break my heart a second time. You knew me, and I'm sure you had an idea how much this hurts me. If you had any doubts about a relationship, you shouldn't of persued me, if you cared so much about me. The thing is, I don't want you to ruin this, I don't want you to give up. But I can't make you do any of those things. All I can tell you, is that you have a chance now, and you probably won't later, and i'm sure you know that. You should know that. I'm not going to sit around.. hoping you will come back to me. I can't. I can't trust that in you. Not when you can make a commitment to me. Not when, you hurt me so bad, and I was the one soo worried about hurting you. I cry so much, every time I think of you, and us, and the fun we had when we were together. Everytime I lay down, I think about you and I wrapped up in each others arms, and I cry. I want that. I want that so much. Tony, you bring out so much good in me. Being with you, makes me want to be happy. I'm sorry I have trouble dealing with your life, but its mostly because I'm not involved in it. The one thing that bugs me the most is why you couldn't tell me where you lived. It bugs the shit out of me.
Anyway... How areyou doing? how's ur day? I'm missing you, wishing you were around online. Could use to talk to you. Things are crazy here. Have a busy weekend planned for Dare and I. I get paid tommorrow, thank goodness. If you want you can always call me. I would love to talk. I'll try to be nice ;) I'm usually always nice. The thing is, part of me just wants to hear you say it outloud that you don't want to be with me. I'm having such a hard time accepting it.
One thing I wanted to ask you was if you wore earplugs when you play? I know it sounds stupid, and I know sometimes you are in another world when I talk to you, but have ever had your hearing checked? Cuz sometimes I say something to you and you give me an off the wall answer.. and I don't understand why you do. It could be.. if you've had hearing loss.. and well since you've been playing for years... then.. that could attribute. Hope I'm not stepping out of line, just a little knowledge I picked up yesterday, and thought I should share with you.
Not sure what else to say. I do want you to know that I love you, and miss you. Part of me probably always will. I really want to be with you. I want to give "us" a chance. I really wish you could try. I didn't think you were the type to give up. I really thought you'd always be there thru thick and thin. I really wish that you could at least just think about what I have to say. And if you dissagree.. tell me why.. explain to me. I just want to understand. I love you so much Tony.. and part of wishes that I was pregnant at this moment, cuz then I'd know we'd be together. Part of me wishes that so bad, I know its for the wrong reasons, but... I want to have a family with you, I want to be your wife... but I can want and want and want, and it doesn't make a difference if that isn't what you want. Thats the shitter, you tell me that is what you want to... so WHY ..can't it be..?? why?
I love you and miss you, and hope to hear back from you soon.
Love,
Julie
I still have so many random thoughts about it. I want it to work. I want a commitment. I want to say.. "T.. YES.. he's MY bf" and eventually.. still hoping.. "YES.. he's MY husband!" I know I'm FUCKING crazy. I can't imagine being with anyone else.
I've been asked on dates already... I mean.. I knew it would come, but it drives me nuts. My heart was hurting soo bad. I was so overwhelmed, and I refuse to give any of the creeps a chance. I only want T. I want him to ask me back out.. or say yes. if I ask him out. I want that commitment. I just want my dream. I want a family. I want T. to be that family... I want to make babies.. eventually...
I know things won't be perfect, but I'm willing to give it my all. I just want a chance. I guess, until the weekend before last, I didn't realize.. he was one of those guys, that need "space". I mean.. we hardly see each other, so it was hard for me to understand why he needed space from me.
I was going to write about alot of things here, but some of my opinions have changed, just from talking to T. last nite. I will end with a copy of our last emails.
T..
Just trying to understand. I want to believe me. I just wanted to make sure you knew that once its over its over, and for me, their is no going back. I can't let you ever break my heart twice. (I'm not trying to be mean). I do understand what you mean to a point, but the more I learn about you, the more I wonder what you are hiding, or what you are afraid of. I wonder could I have done something different, etc.
I wonder how you could be my friend and do what you did to me. Part of me knows this is for the best, whether it was because of the reasons you said.. (which don't make sense to me), or because your afraid of commitment, or whether you want to see other people, or whatever the reason is. Its just I still feel like you are hiding something, and no matter how aweful it is, I want to know the truth. Thats all I've ever asked for.
Part of me wants to just go on and on, but I wont. I need to get to bed. I haven't been feeling well and need my rest. I hope you had a Happy Wednesday, and had a good time with the boys.
Hope to talk to you soon,
Julie
HIS RESPONSE:
Julie,
My internet is out at the house, so I'm doing this at work (hence why its so
short).
I don't really know what to say, you're going to do what you're going to do.
I've told you things about me that I've told few other people, so I'm not sure
where you are getting this "hiding something" stuff from.
Wednesday the guys and I listened to our new cd which we got back from the
mastering plant, If I had internet you could hear it on myspace, but I don't so
we spending the other time collecting art so we can release this thing.
Julie I love you, and I think we could be great friends (possibly even better
friends then lovers 'cause it requires a different head space).
But do what you have to do, and if I cant go back I'll just chalk it up to
ruining another relationship, wipe my tears, and hopefully learn from my
mistakes.
T.
AND MY LAST EMAIL (from last nite--I actually read it to him over the phone before we got off--cuz his email is down):
Tone,
Not sure what to say. Its ok, that its short. I'm just glad you wrote me.
I do feel like you are hiding something, but its only probably because you aren't as open as I am. I'm just guessing that. I do love when you open up to me. It means alot to me.
So whys ur internet out at home? I still have issues with myspace.. blah. So do I get that autographed copy? :)
I don't know about the better friends than lovers thing, maybe.. maybe not. But I'll always be jealous... because I want you. Though I've had doubts about things in our relationship, I never doubted we could work things out. I just don't understand why you wont give "us" a chance. I understand things won't be how.. I want them, and I know things won't be perfect. I just want to know that you care. Every time you date someone, my heart will break again. I'll always wonder, what if. I don't think one month is long enough to say.. I give up. You told me.. I didn't give you a chance, one week before you dumped.. and I agreed, that I wasn't. In a way I was sabotoging the relationshp. You yourself had said that. Had I not been honest, in talking to you, I'd of never said "that" and we'd still be together. Thats what I wanted you to know though.. if "we" are over, and we move on, I won't be able to give you that chance to try again. Especially since what I want is a commitment, and I don't understand, why we can't be commited to one another, and just maybe take a small step back from the relationship. The only differences I see from "us" and us being "friends" is that 1. I don't expect anything, especially the phone calls 2. You are free to fuck, and do whatever you want with any woman (women)... 3. You actually email me back whenver I email you 4. we don't talk on the phone. and I can't think of anymore atm.
I'm only going to do what I have to do, because I can't allow you to break my heart a second time. You knew me, and I'm sure you had an idea how much this hurts me. If you had any doubts about a relationship, you shouldn't of persued me, if you cared so much about me. The thing is, I don't want you to ruin this, I don't want you to give up. But I can't make you do any of those things. All I can tell you, is that you have a chance now, and you probably won't later, and i'm sure you know that. You should know that. I'm not going to sit around.. hoping you will come back to me. I can't. I can't trust that in you. Not when you can make a commitment to me. Not when, you hurt me so bad, and I was the one soo worried about hurting you. I cry so much, every time I think of you, and us, and the fun we had when we were together. Everytime I lay down, I think about you and I wrapped up in each others arms, and I cry. I want that. I want that so much. Tony, you bring out so much good in me. Being with you, makes me want to be happy. I'm sorry I have trouble dealing with your life, but its mostly because I'm not involved in it. The one thing that bugs me the most is why you couldn't tell me where you lived. It bugs the shit out of me.
Anyway... How areyou doing? how's ur day? I'm missing you, wishing you were around online. Could use to talk to you. Things are crazy here. Have a busy weekend planned for Dare and I. I get paid tommorrow, thank goodness. If you want you can always call me. I would love to talk. I'll try to be nice ;) I'm usually always nice. The thing is, part of me just wants to hear you say it outloud that you don't want to be with me. I'm having such a hard time accepting it.
One thing I wanted to ask you was if you wore earplugs when you play? I know it sounds stupid, and I know sometimes you are in another world when I talk to you, but have ever had your hearing checked? Cuz sometimes I say something to you and you give me an off the wall answer.. and I don't understand why you do. It could be.. if you've had hearing loss.. and well since you've been playing for years... then.. that could attribute. Hope I'm not stepping out of line, just a little knowledge I picked up yesterday, and thought I should share with you.
Not sure what else to say. I do want you to know that I love you, and miss you. Part of me probably always will. I really want to be with you. I want to give "us" a chance. I really wish you could try. I didn't think you were the type to give up. I really thought you'd always be there thru thick and thin. I really wish that you could at least just think about what I have to say. And if you dissagree.. tell me why.. explain to me. I just want to understand. I love you so much Tony.. and part of wishes that I was pregnant at this moment, cuz then I'd know we'd be together. Part of me wishes that so bad, I know its for the wrong reasons, but... I want to have a family with you, I want to be your wife... but I can want and want and want, and it doesn't make a difference if that isn't what you want. Thats the shitter, you tell me that is what you want to... so WHY ..can't it be..?? why?
I love you and miss you, and hope to hear back from you soon.
Love,
Julie
Aquarius & Cancer
Mine and T.'s compatibility chart.. blah
The Aquarian's chilly rationality upsets the sentimental moonchild, who craves intense emotion. These two signs are so alien to one another their relationship practically develops an allergic rash on contact. Aquarius values reality; Cancer trusts only intuition. Soon misunderstanding has settled in, widening the gap in the couple. In this struggle, the broken heart is always that of the moonchild. Be forewarned and proceed at your own risk: the stars frown on any union of these two signs.
The Aquarian's chilly rationality upsets the sentimental moonchild, who craves intense emotion. These two signs are so alien to one another their relationship practically develops an allergic rash on contact. Aquarius values reality; Cancer trusts only intuition. Soon misunderstanding has settled in, widening the gap in the couple. In this struggle, the broken heart is always that of the moonchild. Be forewarned and proceed at your own risk: the stars frown on any union of these two signs.
Whew...
Money is there. Thank goodness. I would of been one piss mo fo. Heheheheh. I love saying that.. But anyway....
Lots of plans for the weekend. First I got to get in the shower, so I can pick up my books at the library. Then going there again tommorrow, the library, with Dare, so she can pick out her own books. It will be cool. I'm loving it.
One thing.. that stood out in my convo with T. was that fact that I had said.. I was asked on a million dates, and he asked if I had been on any. I of course said no, cuz I haven't... but the thing is, I really don't want to go. Even before this, I didn't want to meet anyone else. I just wanted T. to say.. that.. we should get back together. My heart still aches.. but I feel better, because my best friend is around. Plus Lisa has been a great friend, and always there for me when I need her. I love her soooo much.
Lots of plans for the weekend. First I got to get in the shower, so I can pick up my books at the library. Then going there again tommorrow, the library, with Dare, so she can pick out her own books. It will be cool. I'm loving it.
One thing.. that stood out in my convo with T. was that fact that I had said.. I was asked on a million dates, and he asked if I had been on any. I of course said no, cuz I haven't... but the thing is, I really don't want to go. Even before this, I didn't want to meet anyone else. I just wanted T. to say.. that.. we should get back together. My heart still aches.. but I feel better, because my best friend is around. Plus Lisa has been a great friend, and always there for me when I need her. I love her soooo much.
Me here
Guess who called me last nite. T. Yes.. I was surprised, but, it was nice. Just like we were together, is how we spoke to one another. I understand his point more now, but he said.. its more just like a step back from the relationship...which... could be...but.. the thing is, that is not how I felt from the info he gave me, in the first place. "I don't think we should see each other" is different, than, I need some time and space. I have hopes, we will get back together, but if not, I think it will be decided between us to be a mutual thing. I miss him alot. It was nice, to hear his voice, hear his smile... and just laugh with him.
I don't have time to write much. I freaking have to figure out why... my money isn't in my account. I'm pissed.
Wish me luck in my quest. More updates hopefully tonite. I do have to get started on that stupid costume.
I don't have time to write much. I freaking have to figure out why... my money isn't in my account. I'm pissed.
Wish me luck in my quest. More updates hopefully tonite. I do have to get started on that stupid costume.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Just a sec
I want to write more. I learned alot yesterday in our seminar. I learned alot about people in general, my ex bf, and life in general. Post more later.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
More stuff, about the relationship....
So here goes again. We talked last nite. See the "stuff" here. I feel better, and am not as confused, but I think he has issues too.
Let me know ur opinion!!
I say: (9:09:04 AM): Do you want to be with someone else?
He says: _ (9:39:37 PM): No...
I say: (9:39:44 PM): to my ? from earlier
He says: _ (9:39:52 PM): yes
I say: (9:40:07 PM): ok.
I say: (9:40:21 PM): Oh.. and I just wanted to tell you, so you know.. exactly for sure.. i'm not pregnant
He says: _ (9:40:33 PM): that sucks
He says: _ (9:40:36 PM): sorta
I say: (9:40:41 PM): why does that suck
I say: (9:41:45 PM): ???
He says: _ (9:41:58 PM): why do you think
I say: (9:42:08 PM): cuz you want me to be pregnant
I say: (9:42:17 PM): I'm telling u.. i would of seriously killed myself..
I say: (9:42:23 PM): so you'd never of had a chance to be a father
I say: (9:42:29 PM): at least not with me
He says: _ (9:42:43 PM): be mean ...and I'm leaving
I say: (9:42:51 PM): what is ur problem
I say: (9:42:54 PM): I'm being honest
I say: (9:43:23 PM): I dont know why you won't make any kind of commitment with me... but would if i was pregnant
He says: _ (9:43:28 PM): I already told you that we'd be together if you get pregnant
He says: _ (9:43:42 PM): so you saying that is just being mean
He says: _ (9:43:53 PM): if you're gonna be mean I'm gonna sign off
He says: _ (9:43:57 PM):
I say: (9:44:05 PM): thats your choice just like everything else.
I say: (9:44:44 PM): who says i'd want to be with you, if i was pregnant... I just want to understand Tony... I just want to understand.. I wish you would get mad at me.. and tell me how much you hate me.. cuz I can't handle this..
I say: (9:45:05 PM): lets just change the sub.. ok?
I say: (9:45:07 PM): how was ur day
I say: (9:45:10 PM): you are home early
He says: _ (9:45:11 PM): boring
He says: _ (9:45:18 PM): I hate my job
He says: _ (9:45:22 PM): job even
I say: (9:45:25 PM): I know you do.
I say: (9:45:33 PM): that sucks.
He says: _ (9:46:02 PM): I dont hate really...its just I had a clear career path before, and it seems to have dead ended
I say: (9:46:13 PM): what do you mean?
I say: (9:47:00 PM): what is it you are looking for in your career?
He says: _ (9:47:11 PM): every goal I've set out to do at AQ..I achieved.
He says: _ (9:47:25 PM): I feel like I'm fresh out of targets
I say: (9:47:44 PM): find something new
I say: (9:47:58 PM): I wanted to tell you something.. i was thinking of today..
He says: _ (9:48:38 PM): ok
He says: _ (9:48:46 PM): actually hold that thought
I say: (9:48:51 PM): you said something about.. you said if you ever became.. a father, you'd give up the band.. and i just wanted to tell you, that when you become a father, I don't think you should, because I think, at some level you would regret it, and maybe even resent your wife/the mother of your child/ and maybe your child
I say: (9:48:55 PM): i already had it typed
He says: _ (9:51:21 PM): im back
I say: (9:51:36 PM): ok. did you read what I wrote?
He says: _ (9:51:40 PM): yep
He says: _ (9:51:52 PM): here's the thing....
He says: _ (9:51:54 PM): truth ok
He says: _ (9:52:08 PM): am addicted to being in a band
I say: (9:52:26 PM): ok.
He says: _ (9:52:32 PM): I've tried to leave many times, ok twice, and something always brings me back
I say: (9:52:32 PM): whats wrong with that?
I say: (9:52:38 PM): something like ?
He says: _ (9:52:50 PM): nothing...except its kinda of a dead end lifestyle
I say: (9:53:08 PM): hmm..
He says: _ (9:53:28 PM): bands get screwed and they always will...except for the few who "win the lottery" and rise to the top.
I say: (9:53:43 PM): yeah... but you like it don't you?
He says: _ (9:53:47 PM): I tried to do the smartest way I can
I say: (9:53:59 PM): you said.. it give you a way to vent your darkness.. or something like that..
I say: (9:54:00 PM): meaning?
He says: _ (9:54:01 PM): being in a band is fun
He says: _ (9:54:10 PM): be can also be pointless
I say: (9:54:17 PM): lots of things are pointless, hun.
He says: _ (9:54:29 PM): we have lofty goals that you'll never achieve
I say: (9:54:39 PM): like?
He says: _ (9:54:57 PM): anyway I've convinced myself that ...if I every become a father...I'd give it up
He says: _ (9:55:14 PM): and I think on some deep level I want that to happen
He says: _ (9:55:41 PM): I live this 19 year old lifestyle and I'm 36....
I say: (9:55:44 PM): sorry I couldnt give you that
He says: _ (9:55:58 PM): it getting harder and harder to validate myself so to speak
I say: (9:56:26 PM): the more we talk.. the more I don't understand your reasoning..
I say: (9:56:31 PM): on our relationship
I say: (9:57:25 PM): you dont have to say anything.. nor do we have to really talk about this right nwo
I say: (9:57:26 PM): now
He says: _ (9:58:02 PM): Maybe I partially wanted you to get pregnant...to help me escape my life
I say: (9:58:08 PM): thats not good though
He says: _ (9:58:12 PM): that and the kid would be gorgeous
I say: (9:58:15 PM): you have yahoo on .. or trillian?
I say: (9:58:22 PM): our kids would be gorgeous
He says: _ (9:58:23 PM): yahoo
I say: (9:58:27 PM): i got my cam on
I say: (9:58:30 PM): if you want to see
He says: _ (9:58:30 PM): i know
He says: _ (9:58:36 PM): thats ok
He says: _ (9:58:41 PM): thanks tho
I say: (9:58:42 PM): just thought i'd offer
I say: (9:58:47 PM): I really miss you
I say: (9:59:07 PM): i'm so tired today
I say: (9:59:13 PM): i had a bad day at work
He says: _ (9:59:15 PM): you know...technically..I havent gone anywhere
I say: (9:59:26 PM): i'm surprised to see you tonite..
I say: (9:59:36 PM): i know you are still here, but you're not my bf anymore
He says: _ (9:59:56 PM): (sniffles slightly)
I say: (10:00:08 PM):
I say: (10:00:18 PM):
I say: (10:00:29 PM): I broke down at work.. cuz.. they were talking about suicide calls
I say: (10:00:36 PM): and some people were really.. insensitive
He says: _ (10:00:43 PM): they get those?
I say: (10:01:01 PM): then.. Dale.. our trainer.. went on to say.. that.. this girl in Fort washington.. got a call and the lady commited suicide.. while she was on the phone
I say: (10:01:07 PM): i lost it.. ran out of the room.. bawling..
I say: (10:01:12 PM): yeah.. we get those
I say: (10:01:19 PM): you guys ever get any?
He says: _ (10:01:27 PM): are you ok?
He says: _ (10:01:33 PM): no never
I say: (10:01:47 PM): still upset about it.. but only cuz.. i wasnt expecting it out of our class, we have such nice people...
He says: _ (10:01:49 PM): I mean people joke...but they're not serious
I say: (10:02:00 PM): but.. its just.. cuz it hits too close to home..
I say: (10:02:10 PM): i know.. but.. at this point in my life.. .. I can't joke about it
I say: (10:02:19 PM): I seriously could of died...
I say: (10:02:22 PM): almost 2 months ago
He says: _ (10:02:33 PM): i Know ....
He says: _ (10:02:34 PM): brb
I say: (10:02:48 PM): ok
He says: _ (10:06:59 PM): sorry about that...coooking diiner
I say: (10:07:40 PM): cool. whatcha cooking?
I say: (10:07:42 PM): I'm cold!!!!!!!!!
I say: (10:07:58 PM): Sally made lasagne.. yesterday for me when i was in West Chester
He says: _ (10:08:37 PM): tortellini
I say: (10:08:39 PM): Everyone thinks they should set me up already!! GRRR
I say: (10:09:02 PM): Did you see my new pics?
He says: _ (10:09:37 PM): no
I say: (10:09:47 PM): I sent the link
He says: _ (10:09:50 PM): you mean in your profile
I say: (10:09:55 PM): on yahoo photos. yeah
I say: (10:10:00 PM): that i took last nite. before we talked
I say: (10:11:23 PM): I think i'm a jinx
I say: (10:11:27 PM): everything i touch keeps breaking
I say: (10:13:22 PM): HELP
He says: _ (10:13:38 PM): e-yes
He says: _ (10:13:48 PM): brb
I say: (10:13:50 PM): i killed my computer last week
I say: (10:13:53 PM): well it works, but not right..
I say: (10:13:58 PM): i broke my cd player today
I say: (10:14:00 PM): and now my cell
I say: (10:14:02 PM): I want to cry
I say: (10:21:30 PM): hows dinner coming?
He says: _ (10:23:49 PM): done
He says: _ (10:23:55 PM): and not bad
I say: (10:24:02 PM): cool.. wow. you can cook??
He says: _ (10:24:08 PM): no....
He says: _ (10:24:10 PM): I can biol
He says: _ (10:24:14 PM): boil
I say: (10:24:19 PM): hehe. i'm just teasing
I say: (10:24:23 PM): my cell is.. fucked up
I say: (10:26:00 PM): my friend Mike is too much..
I say: (10:26:11 PM): he just fixed my cell
I say: (10:26:17 PM): now.. i just need my puter fixed
I say: (10:29:05 PM): u still busy over there
He says: _ (10:29:13 PM): no...I'm here
He says: _ (10:29:27 PM): just reading email...and eating
He says: _ (10:29:41 PM): hey...
I say: (10:29:43 PM): oh ok..
I say: (10:29:46 PM): yeah?
I say: (10:29:55 PM): i can't belive Mike fixed my cell..
I say: (10:29:59 PM): i almost flipped out
I say: (10:30:01 PM):
He says: _ (10:30:19 PM): do you know where I can find a picture of a naked female robot with with her innards falling out
I say: (10:30:34 PM): how would i know that? look it up..
He says: _ (10:30:51 PM): kinda like those 80 horror flicks where the guts are hanging ot, but a robot's
I say: (10:31:02 PM): um. why ou look for that
He says: _ (10:31:13 PM): I did...no dice
I say: (10:31:26 PM): um.. so what makes you think i can find it?
He says: _ (10:32:31 PM): just wondering if you maybe came across anything like that
I say: (10:32:42 PM): um. yeah every day.. hun..
I say: (10:32:47 PM): nah. but i'll keep my eye out
I say: (10:32:50 PM): what areyou looking for it for
He says: _ (10:33:15 PM): our new demo MIGHT be called..."Bathe in the Gore"
He says: _ (10:33:40 PM): and since we're an industrial who likes horror fflicks it seemed fitting
I say: (10:33:52 PM): yeah. that is cool
I say: (10:33:56 PM): so how you doing?
He says: _ (10:34:13 PM): well....I'm fed....
I say: (10:34:26 PM): i was going to make a joke. i'm such a perv
He says: _ (10:34:32 PM): and I'm broke....but I'm breathing...so i guess ok
I say: (10:34:48 PM): I mean.. other than that
He says: _ (10:35:17 PM): what do you mean
I say: (10:35:40 PM): just overall. how you were doing..
I say: (10:35:51 PM): I felt so bad on friday.. after you had such a bad day
He says: _ (10:36:18 PM): a little sad...but I try to keep hope
I say: (10:37:01 PM): I'll never understand you, but I"ll always love you
I say: (10:37:41 PM): one more thing i want to clarify..
I say: (10:37:53 PM): what does us.. being friends.. mean to you
He says: _ (10:37:56 PM): thanks...same
He says: _ (10:38:56 PM): we live separately in parallel, as opposed to parallel yet separately
I say: (10:39:17 PM): i dont understand what you mean.. can you tell me in english
I say: (10:39:23 PM): this is funny.. http://www.cyberium.net/imagine/
He says: _ (10:39:26 PM): we live separately yet parallel, as opposed to parallel yet separately,,,,
He says: _ (10:39:27 PM): sorry
I say: (10:40:16 PM): you just said almost the same thing..
He says: _ (10:40:24 PM): think about it
He says: _ (10:40:29 PM): and what this site
I say: (10:40:33 PM): I guess i'm not asking the right question
I say: (10:40:39 PM): i dunno.. someting i came across
I say: (10:40:45 PM): there is a face. and four faces on the side
I say: (10:40:55 PM): if you. . put the mouse. on the faces.. it looks funny
I say: (10:40:58 PM): made me laugh
He says: _ (10:41:56 PM): heh ehe that is pretty funny
I say: (10:42:12 PM): didnt know if you'd like it...but i thought the boobs were funny
I say: (10:42:17 PM): i was looking for robots
I say: (10:44:15 PM): still watching me?
He says: _ (10:44:52 PM): no
He says: _ (10:44:54 PM): sorry
I say: (12:00:50 AM): I just dont understand how.. if i can be ok .. with how things are.. right now.. (well before.. ) why can't you
He _says: (12:01:52 AM): I dunno
He _says: (12:02:02 AM): listen I should go
I say: (12:02:43 AM): Okie.. talk again soon?
I say: (12:02:47 AM): sweet dreams... hun.
I say: (12:02:53 AM): Have a good day tommorrow..
He _says: (12:03:01 AM): you too...sleep weel
I say: (12:03:06 AM): and if you ever want to talk on the phone. you can call too.. you know?
I say: (12:03:12 AM): I'll still be here when you need me
I say: (12:03:22 AM): I did enjoy your company tonite
He _says: (12:03:43 AM): me too..on both
I say: (12:03:57 AM): ok.. love you
Let me know ur opinion!!
I say: (9:09:04 AM): Do you want to be with someone else?
He says: _ (9:39:37 PM): No...
I say: (9:39:44 PM): to my ? from earlier
He says: _ (9:39:52 PM): yes
I say: (9:40:07 PM): ok.
I say: (9:40:21 PM): Oh.. and I just wanted to tell you, so you know.. exactly for sure.. i'm not pregnant
He says: _ (9:40:33 PM): that sucks
He says: _ (9:40:36 PM): sorta
I say: (9:40:41 PM): why does that suck
I say: (9:41:45 PM): ???
He says: _ (9:41:58 PM): why do you think
I say: (9:42:08 PM): cuz you want me to be pregnant
I say: (9:42:17 PM): I'm telling u.. i would of seriously killed myself..
I say: (9:42:23 PM): so you'd never of had a chance to be a father
I say: (9:42:29 PM): at least not with me
He says: _ (9:42:43 PM): be mean ...and I'm leaving
I say: (9:42:51 PM): what is ur problem
I say: (9:42:54 PM): I'm being honest
I say: (9:43:23 PM): I dont know why you won't make any kind of commitment with me... but would if i was pregnant
He says: _ (9:43:28 PM): I already told you that we'd be together if you get pregnant
He says: _ (9:43:42 PM): so you saying that is just being mean
He says: _ (9:43:53 PM): if you're gonna be mean I'm gonna sign off
He says: _ (9:43:57 PM):
I say: (9:44:05 PM): thats your choice just like everything else.
I say: (9:44:44 PM): who says i'd want to be with you, if i was pregnant... I just want to understand Tony... I just want to understand.. I wish you would get mad at me.. and tell me how much you hate me.. cuz I can't handle this..
I say: (9:45:05 PM): lets just change the sub.. ok?
I say: (9:45:07 PM): how was ur day
I say: (9:45:10 PM): you are home early
He says: _ (9:45:11 PM): boring
He says: _ (9:45:18 PM): I hate my job
He says: _ (9:45:22 PM): job even
I say: (9:45:25 PM): I know you do.
I say: (9:45:33 PM): that sucks.
He says: _ (9:46:02 PM): I dont hate really...its just I had a clear career path before, and it seems to have dead ended
I say: (9:46:13 PM): what do you mean?
I say: (9:47:00 PM): what is it you are looking for in your career?
He says: _ (9:47:11 PM): every goal I've set out to do at AQ..I achieved.
He says: _ (9:47:25 PM): I feel like I'm fresh out of targets
I say: (9:47:44 PM): find something new
I say: (9:47:58 PM): I wanted to tell you something.. i was thinking of today..
He says: _ (9:48:38 PM): ok
He says: _ (9:48:46 PM): actually hold that thought
I say: (9:48:51 PM): you said something about.. you said if you ever became.. a father, you'd give up the band.. and i just wanted to tell you, that when you become a father, I don't think you should, because I think, at some level you would regret it, and maybe even resent your wife/the mother of your child/ and maybe your child
I say: (9:48:55 PM): i already had it typed
He says: _ (9:51:21 PM): im back
I say: (9:51:36 PM): ok. did you read what I wrote?
He says: _ (9:51:40 PM): yep
He says: _ (9:51:52 PM): here's the thing....
He says: _ (9:51:54 PM): truth ok
He says: _ (9:52:08 PM): am addicted to being in a band
I say: (9:52:26 PM): ok.
He says: _ (9:52:32 PM): I've tried to leave many times, ok twice, and something always brings me back
I say: (9:52:32 PM): whats wrong with that?
I say: (9:52:38 PM): something like ?
He says: _ (9:52:50 PM): nothing...except its kinda of a dead end lifestyle
I say: (9:53:08 PM): hmm..
He says: _ (9:53:28 PM): bands get screwed and they always will...except for the few who "win the lottery" and rise to the top.
I say: (9:53:43 PM): yeah... but you like it don't you?
He says: _ (9:53:47 PM): I tried to do the smartest way I can
I say: (9:53:59 PM): you said.. it give you a way to vent your darkness.. or something like that..
I say: (9:54:00 PM): meaning?
He says: _ (9:54:01 PM): being in a band is fun
He says: _ (9:54:10 PM): be can also be pointless
I say: (9:54:17 PM): lots of things are pointless, hun.
He says: _ (9:54:29 PM): we have lofty goals that you'll never achieve
I say: (9:54:39 PM): like?
He says: _ (9:54:57 PM): anyway I've convinced myself that ...if I every become a father...I'd give it up
He says: _ (9:55:14 PM): and I think on some deep level I want that to happen
He says: _ (9:55:41 PM): I live this 19 year old lifestyle and I'm 36....
I say: (9:55:44 PM): sorry I couldnt give you that
He says: _ (9:55:58 PM): it getting harder and harder to validate myself so to speak
I say: (9:56:26 PM): the more we talk.. the more I don't understand your reasoning..
I say: (9:56:31 PM): on our relationship
I say: (9:57:25 PM): you dont have to say anything.. nor do we have to really talk about this right nwo
I say: (9:57:26 PM): now
He says: _ (9:58:02 PM): Maybe I partially wanted you to get pregnant...to help me escape my life
I say: (9:58:08 PM): thats not good though
He says: _ (9:58:12 PM): that and the kid would be gorgeous
I say: (9:58:15 PM): you have yahoo on .. or trillian?
I say: (9:58:22 PM): our kids would be gorgeous
He says: _ (9:58:23 PM): yahoo
I say: (9:58:27 PM): i got my cam on
I say: (9:58:30 PM): if you want to see
He says: _ (9:58:30 PM): i know
He says: _ (9:58:36 PM): thats ok
He says: _ (9:58:41 PM): thanks tho
I say: (9:58:42 PM): just thought i'd offer
I say: (9:58:47 PM): I really miss you
I say: (9:59:07 PM): i'm so tired today
I say: (9:59:13 PM): i had a bad day at work
He says: _ (9:59:15 PM): you know...technically..I havent gone anywhere
I say: (9:59:26 PM): i'm surprised to see you tonite..
I say: (9:59:36 PM): i know you are still here, but you're not my bf anymore
He says: _ (9:59:56 PM): (sniffles slightly)
I say: (10:00:08 PM):
I say: (10:00:18 PM):
I say: (10:00:29 PM): I broke down at work.. cuz.. they were talking about suicide calls
I say: (10:00:36 PM): and some people were really.. insensitive
He says: _ (10:00:43 PM): they get those?
I say: (10:01:01 PM): then.. Dale.. our trainer.. went on to say.. that.. this girl in Fort washington.. got a call and the lady commited suicide.. while she was on the phone
I say: (10:01:07 PM): i lost it.. ran out of the room.. bawling..
I say: (10:01:12 PM): yeah.. we get those
I say: (10:01:19 PM): you guys ever get any?
He says: _ (10:01:27 PM): are you ok?
He says: _ (10:01:33 PM): no never
I say: (10:01:47 PM): still upset about it.. but only cuz.. i wasnt expecting it out of our class, we have such nice people...
He says: _ (10:01:49 PM): I mean people joke...but they're not serious
I say: (10:02:00 PM): but.. its just.. cuz it hits too close to home..
I say: (10:02:10 PM): i know.. but.. at this point in my life.. .. I can't joke about it
I say: (10:02:19 PM): I seriously could of died...
I say: (10:02:22 PM): almost 2 months ago
He says: _ (10:02:33 PM): i Know ....
He says: _ (10:02:34 PM): brb
I say: (10:02:48 PM): ok
He says: _ (10:06:59 PM): sorry about that...coooking diiner
I say: (10:07:40 PM): cool. whatcha cooking?
I say: (10:07:42 PM): I'm cold!!!!!!!!!
I say: (10:07:58 PM): Sally made lasagne.. yesterday for me when i was in West Chester
He says: _ (10:08:37 PM): tortellini
I say: (10:08:39 PM): Everyone thinks they should set me up already!! GRRR
I say: (10:09:02 PM): Did you see my new pics?
He says: _ (10:09:37 PM): no
I say: (10:09:47 PM): I sent the link
He says: _ (10:09:50 PM): you mean in your profile
I say: (10:09:55 PM): on yahoo photos. yeah
I say: (10:10:00 PM): that i took last nite. before we talked
I say: (10:11:23 PM): I think i'm a jinx
I say: (10:11:27 PM): everything i touch keeps breaking
I say: (10:13:22 PM): HELP
He says: _ (10:13:38 PM): e-yes
He says: _ (10:13:48 PM): brb
I say: (10:13:50 PM): i killed my computer last week
I say: (10:13:53 PM): well it works, but not right..
I say: (10:13:58 PM): i broke my cd player today
I say: (10:14:00 PM): and now my cell
I say: (10:14:02 PM): I want to cry
I say: (10:21:30 PM): hows dinner coming?
He says: _ (10:23:49 PM): done
He says: _ (10:23:55 PM): and not bad
I say: (10:24:02 PM): cool.. wow. you can cook??
He says: _ (10:24:08 PM): no....
He says: _ (10:24:10 PM): I can biol
He says: _ (10:24:14 PM): boil
I say: (10:24:19 PM): hehe. i'm just teasing
I say: (10:24:23 PM): my cell is.. fucked up
I say: (10:26:00 PM): my friend Mike is too much..
I say: (10:26:11 PM): he just fixed my cell
I say: (10:26:17 PM): now.. i just need my puter fixed
I say: (10:29:05 PM): u still busy over there
He says: _ (10:29:13 PM): no...I'm here
He says: _ (10:29:27 PM): just reading email...and eating
He says: _ (10:29:41 PM): hey...
I say: (10:29:43 PM): oh ok..
I say: (10:29:46 PM): yeah?
I say: (10:29:55 PM): i can't belive Mike fixed my cell..
I say: (10:29:59 PM): i almost flipped out
I say: (10:30:01 PM):
He says: _ (10:30:19 PM): do you know where I can find a picture of a naked female robot with with her innards falling out
I say: (10:30:34 PM): how would i know that? look it up..
He says: _ (10:30:51 PM): kinda like those 80 horror flicks where the guts are hanging ot, but a robot's
I say: (10:31:02 PM): um. why ou look for that
He says: _ (10:31:13 PM): I did...no dice
I say: (10:31:26 PM): um.. so what makes you think i can find it?
He says: _ (10:32:31 PM): just wondering if you maybe came across anything like that
I say: (10:32:42 PM): um. yeah every day.. hun..
I say: (10:32:47 PM): nah. but i'll keep my eye out
I say: (10:32:50 PM): what areyou looking for it for
He says: _ (10:33:15 PM): our new demo MIGHT be called..."Bathe in the Gore"
He says: _ (10:33:40 PM): and since we're an industrial who likes horror fflicks it seemed fitting
I say: (10:33:52 PM): yeah. that is cool
I say: (10:33:56 PM): so how you doing?
He says: _ (10:34:13 PM): well....I'm fed....
I say: (10:34:26 PM): i was going to make a joke. i'm such a perv
He says: _ (10:34:32 PM): and I'm broke....but I'm breathing...so i guess ok
I say: (10:34:48 PM): I mean.. other than that
He says: _ (10:35:17 PM): what do you mean
I say: (10:35:40 PM): just overall. how you were doing..
I say: (10:35:51 PM): I felt so bad on friday.. after you had such a bad day
He says: _ (10:36:18 PM): a little sad...but I try to keep hope
I say: (10:37:01 PM): I'll never understand you, but I"ll always love you
I say: (10:37:41 PM): one more thing i want to clarify..
I say: (10:37:53 PM): what does us.. being friends.. mean to you
He says: _ (10:37:56 PM): thanks...same
He says: _ (10:38:56 PM): we live separately in parallel, as opposed to parallel yet separately
I say: (10:39:17 PM): i dont understand what you mean.. can you tell me in english
I say: (10:39:23 PM): this is funny.. http://www.cyberium.net/imagine/
He says: _ (10:39:26 PM): we live separately yet parallel, as opposed to parallel yet separately,,,,
He says: _ (10:39:27 PM): sorry
I say: (10:40:16 PM): you just said almost the same thing..
He says: _ (10:40:24 PM): think about it
He says: _ (10:40:29 PM): and what this site
I say: (10:40:33 PM): I guess i'm not asking the right question
I say: (10:40:39 PM): i dunno.. someting i came across
I say: (10:40:45 PM): there is a face. and four faces on the side
I say: (10:40:55 PM): if you. . put the mouse. on the faces.. it looks funny
I say: (10:40:58 PM): made me laugh
He says: _ (10:41:56 PM): heh ehe that is pretty funny
I say: (10:42:12 PM): didnt know if you'd like it...but i thought the boobs were funny
I say: (10:42:17 PM): i was looking for robots
I say: (10:44:15 PM): still watching me?
He says: _ (10:44:52 PM): no
He says: _ (10:44:54 PM): sorry
I say: (12:00:50 AM): I just dont understand how.. if i can be ok .. with how things are.. right now.. (well before.. ) why can't you
He _says: (12:01:52 AM): I dunno
He _says: (12:02:02 AM): listen I should go
I say: (12:02:43 AM): Okie.. talk again soon?
I say: (12:02:47 AM): sweet dreams... hun.
I say: (12:02:53 AM): Have a good day tommorrow..
He _says: (12:03:01 AM): you too...sleep weel
I say: (12:03:06 AM): and if you ever want to talk on the phone. you can call too.. you know?
I say: (12:03:12 AM): I'll still be here when you need me
I say: (12:03:22 AM): I did enjoy your company tonite
He _says: (12:03:43 AM): me too..on both
I say: (12:03:57 AM): ok.. love you
Monday, October 11, 2004
Have a minute.. I think
Just it hurts so bad, I don't understand how he can tell me he loves me, and still wants me, and still wants to marry me, but can't make that commitment now. So basically its over, and he gets what he wants. I can't live with knowing he's seeing other people, even if he eventually wanted to come back to me. I'm not going to wait for him to grow up and realize that now, he can give me what I want, when he couldn't commit to me in the first place. I kind of look down, about the whole situation, because I thought he was strong, I thought he had the strength to do this, and he doesn't. I'm so angry and hurt and frustrated. I do want to be friends, but right now it hurts so much, and I just want to understand and I don't. If you love someone you are supposed to do anything you can to be with the person. And I know that sometimes takes time. I'm willing to wait, I'm willing to be patient, but he's not. I don't want to just be his friend, and its killing me. I wish he'd just tell me he hated me, or something. I just wish I could understand the truth.
I never in my life had a guy say, this is what I think is best for you, and so that is why I'm breaking up with you. Whose to know what is best for me? I mean really. What gives him the power to say. It goes back to control again. He's in control, and thats how it is. I don't have that choice. I have other choices, but not that one. I just wish he'd think about it... It wasn't that he didn't make me happy at all. When we were together, I felt on cloud 13... (thats my cloud). When we talked, it helped me forget my pain. Its just those times that I felt I wasn't important, that killed me. I feel like he spent more time with his distractions than me.
I feel like this is all about commitment, he can't make one, and will make up any excuse to make up for it. He says he wants his friend back, but I don't know how soon I can give it to him. I've never been hurt like this before. Never. T. is so good to me. I want him and I don't want to lose him. Its killing me. I don't understand. I just want to understand. I just want to understand.
I never in my life had a guy say, this is what I think is best for you, and so that is why I'm breaking up with you. Whose to know what is best for me? I mean really. What gives him the power to say. It goes back to control again. He's in control, and thats how it is. I don't have that choice. I have other choices, but not that one. I just wish he'd think about it... It wasn't that he didn't make me happy at all. When we were together, I felt on cloud 13... (thats my cloud). When we talked, it helped me forget my pain. Its just those times that I felt I wasn't important, that killed me. I feel like he spent more time with his distractions than me.
I feel like this is all about commitment, he can't make one, and will make up any excuse to make up for it. He says he wants his friend back, but I don't know how soon I can give it to him. I've never been hurt like this before. Never. T. is so good to me. I want him and I don't want to lose him. Its killing me. I don't understand. I just want to understand. I just want to understand.
We Talk...
But now I'm even more hurt and confused. Rather than explain myself now, I'll just post the convo, and I'll write more about it tonite.
He says: (11:16:58 PM): hello
I say: (11:17:10 PM): Hi there
He says: (11:17:25 PM): how are you
I say: (11:17:29 PM): so/so
I say: (11:17:29 PM): u
He says: (11:17:49 PM): same
I say: (11:18:03 PM): how was your day
He says: (11:18:11 PM): busy
I say: (11:18:24 PM): your home early
I say: (11:18:30 PM): I was just getting ready for bed
He says: (11:18:39 PM): I was going to go out...but I have some other work to do so
I say: (11:18:49 PM): oh ok.
He says: (11:19:16 PM): I read your email
I say: (11:19:23 PM): and? which one?
He says: (11:19:28 PM): both
I say: (11:19:39 PM): and? ur response?
He says: (11:21:07 PM): I don't agree with everything
I say: (11:21:19 PM): like?
He says: (11:21:51 PM): my distractions being more important
I say: (11:22:21 PM): they feel like they are to me
He says: (11:23:01 PM): I cant do anything about your feelings
I say: (11:23:28 PM): I didn't ask you to
He says: (11:23:39 PM): but I do know that I dont want to be....not friends at least
I say: (11:23:58 PM): huh? are you saying you don't want to be friends/
I say: (11:24:27 PM): that was obvious the way you deleted me from myspace before you even sent me the letter.. saying you wanted to break up
He says: (11:24:30 PM): you know I didn;t stop loving you....I just know aI cant give you wait you want
He says: (11:24:46 PM): Ideleted you after
I say: (11:24:54 PM): if you say so
I say: (11:25:10 PM): why dont you want to be friends
He says: (11:25:20 PM): I had to resend it....originally I sent to the wrong account
I say: (11:25:29 PM): oh
He says: (11:25:43 PM): no... I do want to be friends
I say: (11:26:02 PM): ok.. i'm confused
I say: (11:26:06 PM): this hurts alot.
He says: (11:26:30 PM): you sid you wouldnt mind being friends...I am agreeing
I say: (11:26:34 PM): ok
I say: (11:27:13 PM): Tony..
I say: (11:28:34 PM): so what made you decide what you did?
He says: (11:28:53 PM): decide what?
I say: (11:29:06 PM): that we shouldn't see each other..
I say: (11:29:11 PM): because I told you the same thing last weekend
I say: (11:29:16 PM): and you asked me to give you a chance
He says: (11:30:00 PM): I cant give you want you want....
I say: (11:30:25 PM): I
I say: (11:30:31 PM): I've told you that from the beginning
He says: (11:30:43 PM): and maybe I should have listened
I say: (11:30:57 PM): maybe I shouldnt have said it
I say: (11:31:32 PM): I love you so much
He says: (11:33:17 PM): are you ok?
I say: (11:33:49 PM): I don't know, I’m really hurt.. and I don't want to break up
He says: (11:34:25 PM): then what do you want me to do
I say: (11:34:42 PM): I dont know, but I didn't want you to just give up on us
I say: (11:36:44 PM): still there?
He says: (11:36:47 PM): yeah
I say: (11:37:06 PM): your not saying anything
He says: (11:37:33 PM): not sure what to say
I say: (11:38:02 PM): whatever you are thinking and or feeling
He says: (11:38:25 PM): ok
He says: (11:38:58 PM): a....
He says: (11:39:36 PM): I sent you email, because I figured it would be easier for everyone involved
I say: (11:39:50 PM): it wasn't very nice
He says: (11:39:53 PM): I was particularly thinking about Dare
I say: (11:40:18 PM): how does that make it easier on her
He says: (11:40:26 PM): I had thought about driving up, but it just seems like a bad idea
He says: (11:40:45 PM): because she doesn’t have to see it
I say: (11:40:50 PM): I'd of rather talked about it on the phone, than hear that in an email
I say: (11:40:57 PM): she still has to see me .. crying...
I say: (11:41:09 PM): every time I think about something that reminds me of you.
I say: (11:41:19 PM): I gave her a kiss, and told it was from you..
I say: (11:41:30 PM): and she said " he can come over tomorrow and give me one" and I started bawling
He says: (11:41:49 PM): I'm sorry
I say: (11:42:15 PM): she told me later.. she wanted to throw me a party... so she could find me a husband, so she could have a step daddy.. and a baby brother..
I say: (11:42:30 PM): she loves you, I love you...
I say: (11:42:46 PM): it would be easier if you just told me I was a bitch and you hated me
I say: (11:42:52 PM): or that you wanted to be with someone else
He says: (11:43:50 PM): that would untrue
He says: (11:44:12 PM): You're not a bitch, and I dont hate you
I say: (11:44:14 PM): it wouldnt matter, it would make it easier...
I say: (11:45:00 PM): why did you say ? "Maybe when that happens, we can start over."
He says: (11:46:13 PM): if we're going to be together...then we need to be TOGETHER....In the same place, or at least the same zip code
He says: (11:46:54 PM): that was the plan....but I can't do that right now....
I say: (11:47:02 PM): yes.. I know.. .. I didn't ask for that now
I say: (11:47:09 PM): but that is what I wanted too
I say: (11:47:29 PM): I'm sorry I said.. I'd never move for you, because that isn't completely true
He says: (11:47:32 PM): no...but you need that....and until I give that to you I'm always going to fall short
He says: (11:47:42 PM): and you deserve better
I say: (11:47:48 PM): dont tell me that shit
I say: (11:48:15 PM): I know I expect too much.
He says: (11:48:26 PM): no...you dont really
I say: (11:48:38 PM): I do. I always want results, right now..
I say: (11:48:47 PM): even when I know that isn't possible
He says: (11:49:05 PM): you expectations are very reasonable for someone who lives with you....or is close enough to suffice
He says: (11:49:20 PM): right now I am neither
I say: (11:49:23 PM): just..the phone calls, are important to me... its my way of connecting with you, and it hurt so much, that you didn't see that, and only saw it.. "as just a phone call"
He says: (11:49:40 PM): I'm sorry about that
I say: (11:49:55 PM): but I didn't ask you to live with me.. or move for me...
I say: (11:50:04 PM): I just wanted you to do what you say...
He says: (11:50:06 PM): no I offered
He says: (11:50:18 PM): just cant do it right now
I say: (11:50:26 PM): I didn't ask you to do it right now..
I say: (11:50:37 PM): I know it takes time.. but I could never understand why you offered
He says: (11:50:52 PM): I offered because I wanted to be with you
He says: (11:50:54 PM): still do
I say: (11:51:12 PM): then why can't we work something out?
He says: (11:51:49 PM): because it wont be enough for you...and you know that
I say: (11:52:21 PM): I dont know what to say
I say: (11:52:24 PM): I just can't stop crying
I say: (11:53:05 PM): I dont know that what you said is true..
I say: (11:53:50 PM): why do you think it wont be enough for me
He says: (11:54:27 PM): because its already proven to be the case
I say: (11:54:57 PM): do you really even think we've tried that hard?
I say: (11:55:06 PM): if thats what you think.. then fine
I say: (11:55:13 PM): I'm going to try to get some sleep
He says: (11:55:24 PM): please dont be mad
I say: (11:55:28 PM): I am mad
I say: (11:55:37 PM): mad because you gave up.. without even really trying
I say: (11:55:50 PM): after you knew what I was like, and what I wanted and needed..
I say: (11:56:00 PM): after I gave you my heart, my body my soul
I say: (11:56:08 PM): after you promised to never hurt me
I say: (11:56:31 PM): after I tried to tell you, that you weren't giving me what I needed, and I didn't think you could..
I say: (11:56:39 PM): and you asked me to give you a chance to...
He says: (11:56:53 PM): fine
I say: (11:57:03 PM): fine what?
He says: (11:57:08 PM): so I am wasting my time trying to be friends with you then
I say: (11:57:20 PM): I didn't say that
I say: (11:57:40 PM): I just don't understand
I say: (11:58:11 PM): how you can say these things, to me. and expect me to just accept the fact that it has to be over
I say: (11:58:28 PM): accept the fact... that you love and and want me, but...
I say: (11:58:32 PM): it just can't be
He says: (11:58:35 PM): it doesnt have to be over.....
I say: (11:58:44 PM): then what?
He says: (11:58:49 PM): remember we were friends before we were lovers
I say: (11:59:00 PM): yes..
He says: (11:59:01 PM): cant we just go back to that
He says: (11:59:26 PM): and when circumstances are maybe can try again
He says: (11:59:37 PM): circumstances are better
I say: (11:59:39 PM): its not that simple
He says: (11:59:45 PM): I know thawt
He says: (12:00:02 AM): but its better than nothing...yes?
I say: (12:00:11 AM): I dont know if I could give you another chance.. knowing you gave up on me..because circumstance were hard..
I say: (12:00:20 AM): you know.. their are guys.. waiting in line...
I say: (12:00:39 AM): and.. one day.. my heart will start to heal.. and.. someone will catch my eye
I say: (12:00:51 AM): it is better than nothing..
I say: (12:00:59 AM): but...
I say: (12:01:42 AM): I cry so much, everytime of think of you being here.. I dread going to sleep, because all I want is for you to hold me.. and I know you will never again..
I say: (12:02:04 AM): all I wanted is to be part of your life..
He says: (12:02:11 AM): you're making this much harder than need be
I say: (12:02:33 AM): whatever you say Tony... I'm going to go to bed.. you have your opinion.. and thats fine..
I say: (12:02:47 AM): I'm sure you'll meet some nice girl.. that really loves to fuck
He says: (12:02:57 AM): dont do this
I say: (12:03:04 AM): dont do what..
I say: (12:03:06 AM): get mad
I say: (12:03:17 AM): cuz you couldn’t even call on the phone. and tell me this..
He says: (12:03:20 AM): actually no... I take that back
I say: (12:03:31 AM): after you led me on.. knowing that you couldn't do what you said you could
I say: (12:03:36 AM): what?
He says: (12:03:36 AM): get mad ....get angry .....get it out of your system
He says: (12:03:45 AM): so I can have my fried back
I say: (12:03:49 AM): I'm so hurt.. and I dont understand
I say: (12:04:19 AM): it hurts so bad, Tony..
I say: (12:04:33 AM): I can't imagine ever being with someone else..and feeling so good.. like I felt with you
I say: (12:04:47 AM): when we were together.. it just felt so perfect
He says: (12:05:22 AM): all the more reason for US to get over this
I say: (12:05:34 AM): what do you mean?
He says: (12:05:39 AM): so we can do this the right way
I say: (12:05:56 AM): what do you mean
I say: (12:06:55 AM): ??
He says: (12:07:03 AM): look
He says: (12:07:22 AM): clearly we are meant to be together
He says: (12:07:51 AM): but if we can't do right now...then we should go with what we got
I say: (12:08:13 AM): you are the one..saying we can't do this right.. now...
He says: (12:08:27 AM): you said it first
I say: (12:08:38 AM): I'm willing to give you time.. and space... if that is what you want...
I say: (12:08:43 AM): I know I said it first...
I say: (12:09:20 AM): just I dont want to be without you.
I say: (12:10:13 AM): I just dont understand how us just "being friends" is going to help.. us be together in the end.. because all it makes me feel is that, never one of u can be committed to working out the problems
I say: (12:10:51 AM): neither
He says: (12:11:46 AM): if we're friends...that means we dont hate each other
I say: (12:12:10 AM): I could never hate you
He says: (12:12:18 AM): it means the book doesn’t close
I say: (12:12:31 AM): no. but it still means.. we both move on in our lives
I say: (12:12:34 AM): without the other
He says: (12:12:53 AM): not necessarily
I say: (12:13:26 AM): I can't just be your friend.. and hold out hope.. that one day.. things will be better.. and we can be together
He says: (12:13:27 AM): you’re friends with Lisa (I know different thing) your lives move in different directions, but you still have each other
I say: (12:13:36 AM): girlfriends are different..
He says: (12:13:48 AM): how so
He says: (12:14:03 AM): especially in this case
I say: (12:14:16 AM): because you'll meet women.. and I'll meet men.. and things wont be the same
He says: (12:14:45 AM): Idont believe that
He says: (12:14:59 AM): nothing stays the same anyway
I say: (12:15:06 AM): thats true
I say: (12:15:40 AM): but I couldn’t deal with being with your friend.. and loving you as much as I do. hoping someday.. you'll be around to make a commitment to me.. knowing your with other women
He says: (12:16:20 AM): you make me sound like I have a different woman every week
I say: (12:16:32 AM): I'm not trying to
He says: (12:16:42 AM): may I remind you that you've had more partners than me my dear LOL
He says: (12:16:49 AM):
I say: (12:16:51 AM): thanks for the nice reminder
He says: (12:17:16 AM): I mean no offense
I say: (12:17:23 AM): just I don't understand how you can say any of this to me.. and expect me to be.. like. oh .. ok.. thats fine
He says: (12:17:33 AM): for now...I dont
I say: (12:17:42 AM): commitment is important to me
He says: (12:17:55 AM): but I'm hoping, as you heal, that you'll see the logic of my words
I say: (12:17:59 AM): I wont
I say: (12:18:04 AM): I do understand part of it
I say: (12:18:15 AM): but I’ll never completely understand.
He says: (12:18:30 AM): and thats you'll realize that I did what I what...because I love and care about you
He says: (12:18:42 AM): missed phone calls included
I say: (12:18:49 AM): if you say so
I say: (12:18:57 AM): everything is a matter of opinion
I say: (12:19:04 AM): and everything is your choice
He says: (12:19:27 AM): not true
I say: (12:19:29 AM): how so
He says: (12:19:32 AM): you have choices
I say: (12:19:38 AM): not in our relationship
He says: (12:19:48 AM): you could choose to forgive me...
I say: (12:20:02 AM): or not forgive you
He says: (12:20:09 AM): you could choose to be my friend instead of my ex
I say: (12:20:18 AM): its not the same T. ..
I say: (12:20:24 AM): do you even understand how I feel
He says: (12:20:30 AM): no I dont
He says: (12:20:39 AM): I cant Iam not you
I say: (12:20:45 AM): you could still understand...
He says: (12:20:47 AM): but you are not the only person hurting here
I say: (12:20:54 AM): how can you tell me that
I say: (12:21:15 AM): you chose to end this, you chose to not even try..
I say: (12:21:27 AM): you chose.. what is important in your life
I say: (12:21:52 AM): I really don't think you tried, whether .. you believe it or not
I say: (12:21:52 AM): not
He says: (12:22:11 AM): I would hasten to call coming to see you..and making space for you In my life...not trying
I say: (12:22:19 AM): huh?
He says: (12:22:20 AM): but that is a matter of opinion
I say: (12:22:33 AM): you came to see me 3 times..
I say: (12:22:46 AM): you called when you felt like and emailed when you felt like it
He says: (12:22:48 AM): we saw each other for a month
I say: (12:22:54 AM): and you didn't make space for me in your life
He says: (12:22:59 AM): please dont start
I say: (12:23:06 AM): tell me how you made space?
I say: (12:23:37 AM): because I dont see it
I say: (12:23:40 AM): maybe i'm missing something
He says: (12:23:48 AM): we're not having this discussion again
He says: (12:23:56 AM): or at least I'm not
I say: (12:23:56 AM): you basically told ur friends, I'm fucking nuts..
He says: (12:24:01 AM): no
He says: (12:24:03 AM): No
He says: (12:24:04 AM): NO
I say: (12:24:09 AM): and then.. told me you needed space. and ignored me for 4 days
He says: (12:24:27 AM): YOUR BLOG TOLD MY FRIENDS THAT YOU'RE NUCKING FUTS
He says: (12:24:30 AM): NOT ME
I say: (12:24:38 AM): yes. yes..
He says: (12:24:41 AM): YOUR PUBLIC BLOG...I MIGHT ASS
I say: (12:24:43 AM): you sent them to it though
He says: (12:24:48 AM): ADD EVEN
I say: (12:24:49 AM): yes yes..
I say: (12:25:09 AM): then.. you couldn’t keep the fact they they thought that private you had to come tell me
I say: (12:25:10 AM): me
I say: (12:25:22 AM): knowing damn well.. that it would hurt me
He says: (12:25:54 AM): you always ask me what I'm thinking...did you want me to lie
I say: (12:26:03 AM): no.
He says: (12:26:08 AM): 'cuz I wont
I say: (12:26:09 AM): but you could of left that out
I say: (12:26:44 AM): it doesnt matter now, cuz I'm not part of your life
He says: (12:26:55 AM): that...is your choice
I say: (12:27:09 AM): how. just cuz we are friends .. doesnt mean anything
He says: (12:27:42 AM): so you;re telling that the time before we dated was meaningless
I say: (12:27:50 AM): i'm not saying that..
He says: (12:27:53 AM): you just did
I say: (12:28:01 AM): I'm just saying... we are just friends.. I dont expect anything out of that..
I say: (12:28:11 AM): I dont expect to see you.. or even really talk to you
I say: (12:28:43 AM): I just dont understand... and I dont know how you expect me too
I say: (12:30:09 AM): I've just never met anyone that.. could sit and tell me he loves me . and wants to be with me.. and.. not... be able to make that commitment, because he feels that is what is best.. for me
I say: (12:30:59 AM): still there?
He says: (12:31:03 AM): yeah
I say: (12:31:08 AM): not saying anything
I say: (12:31:45 AM): Tony?
He says: (12:31:49 AM): yes
I say: (12:31:53 AM): are you going to say anything?
He says: (12:32:05 AM): not sure what to say
I say: (12:32:10 AM): then dont.
I say: (12:32:23 AM): its fine.. I'll never quite understand...
I say: (12:32:38 AM): I'm going to go, cry myself to sleep.. goodnite.. and take care
He says: (12:32:52 AM): bye
I say: (12:33:05 AM): I just dont understand.. how you can tell me what you tell me.. and still agree..whats best
I say: (12:33:15 AM): you are something you know that
He says: (12:33:33 AM): I get that alot
He says: (12:33:43 AM): sadly
I say: (12:33:53 AM): sadly you probably always will
I say: (12:34:16 AM): I just want to understand
I say: (12:34:22 AM): so I can heal
I say: (12:34:28 AM): so I can get over you.. and move on
I say: (12:34:50 AM): Noone has ever made me feel like you do...
I say: (12:35:34 AM): both good and bad..
I say: (12:35:50 AM): are you paying any attention. or am I talking to myself
He says: (12:36:08 AM): im reading
I say: (12:36:44 AM): ok?
He says: (12:37:11 AM): I'm going to sleep now
I say: (12:37:40 AM): yeah me too.. see you around. you know how to find me..
He says: (12:37:49 AM): ok
I say: (12:37:56 AM): I'm glad someone can sleep
I say: (12:38:26 AM): I just want to scream and choke you to death right now
He says: (12:38:52 AM): removes neck...and hands it to her
I say: (12:39:06 AM): *thanks.. at least made me laugh*
I say: (12:39:17 AM): I just want to understand, and be ok with this.
I say: (12:39:24 AM): I want to stop crying.
He says: (12:39:26 AM): give in time
He says: (12:39:31 AM): it time rather
I say: (12:39:42 AM): how am I supposed to understand
I say: (12:39:49 AM): you tell me u love me..
I say: (12:39:52 AM): and you want me..
I say: (12:40:07 AM): how can you tell me that.. its not true
I say: (12:40:18 AM): can I ask you something?
He says: (12:40:26 AM): sure
I say: (12:40:37 AM): if I would of been pregnant.. would you of still broke up with me?
He says: (12:40:49 AM): no
He says: (12:40:52 AM): of course not
I say: (12:41:01 AM): why is that
He says: (12:41:24 AM): a...I wanted you to be the mother
He says: (12:42:00 AM): b...a child is a life changing event...I've always told myself if I became a dad the band thing would be over
I say: (12:42:12 AM): your crazy
He says: (12:42:21 AM): at thawt point...we would have to be together
I say: (12:42:46 AM): so now.. though.. we love each other.. there is really no point in us being together?
He says: (12:42:54 AM): you asked once why I was disappointed that you weren't pregnant
He says: (12:43:30 AM): your sentence doesn’t make sense
I say: (12:43:54 AM): basically all I read into all this.. is.. You can't make a commitment to me...
He says: (12:44:07 AM): not the one you want
He says: (12:44:14 AM): or deserve
I say: (12:44:21 AM): but if I was pregnant.. you could... and that doesnt make sense to me..
He says: (12:44:45 AM): would you rather my answer been different
I say: (12:44:54 AM): I dont know.
I say: (12:45:12 AM): just I want you to want to be with me..
He says: (12:45:15 AM): would you rather have heard me say "No Julie, I would have dumped you anyway"...
I say: (12:45:31 AM): It wouldnt of mattered, if I was pregnant.. I would of killed myself. and not messed up
I say: (12:45:41 AM): cuz I couldn’t take the chance of being alone
He says: (12:46:12 AM): thats selfish thinking...but I dont believe you'd do that to Dare
I say: (12:46:22 AM): I would of... and it scares me.
I say: (12:46:49 AM): why can't you make a commitment tome?
I say: (12:47:48 AM): why did you offer to move for me.. knowing damn well you wouldnt do it
I say: (12:47:53 AM): why did you tell me you wanted to marry me
I say: (12:48:52 AM): Tony?
He says: (12:49:20 AM): yes
I say: (12:49:33 AM): am I talking to myself? or just bothering you?
He says: (12:49:59 AM): no to both
I say: (12:50:17 AM): could u try to answer my questions then.. then I'll shut up and leave you alone
He says: (12:50:42 AM): why can't you make a commitment tome?
I say: (12:50:51 AM): thats one thing I asked.. yah
He says: (12:50:58 AM): Because I cant give you want right now....
I say: (12:51:21 AM): I just feel its more than that
He says: (12:51:29 AM): why did you tell me you wanted to marry me...because I did, and still do
I say: (12:51:38 AM): how can you tell me that?
He says: (12:51:46 AM): you asked
I say: (12:52:18 AM): if you let go.... and want to be just friends.. I'm not going to accept the fact.. if you decide 3 years from now, that you want me.. and think i'm just going to jump to be with you..
He says: (12:52:36 AM): I didn’t say thawt
I say: (12:52:46 AM): no.. you didn’t
I say: (12:52:56 AM): I also asked.. why did you offer to move for me...
He says: (12:53:30 AM): because at the time I wanted to, and the band wants to move anyway
I say: (12:53:41 AM): umm..
I say: (12:53:49 AM): what is it that you can't give me?
He says: (12:54:03 AM): I liked Allentown because it was central...and it seemed a good way to solve all problems at once
He says: (12:54:09 AM): time
I say: (12:54:10 AM): ok
I say: (12:54:14 AM): why can't you give me time?
He says: (12:54:23 AM): I can
He says: (12:54:42 AM): but I dont want to have to worry if I miss a phone call
I say: (12:54:56 AM): why dont you see the phone calls as important
He says: (12:55:00 AM): or if I can't come see you at the last moment
I say: (12:55:06 AM): its the only way we connect, its important to me
He says: (12:55:19 AM): they are important
I say: (12:55:23 AM): what do you mean.. if you can't come to see me at the last moment... ...
I say: (12:55:31 AM): like ..saying Friday.. Oh by the way. I can't come
He says: (12:55:34 AM): I never said they weren't
I say: (12:55:39 AM): it cuz you don't explain.. why
I say: (12:55:46 AM): what is it you worry about..when you miss a phone call?
He says: (12:56:13 AM): talking to you is important...but I dont want to be scolded if I dont talk to you
I say: (12:56:24 AM): I didn't realize you felt I scolded you
He says: (12:56:38 AM): what you never seemed to realize is ...if I dodnt talk to you...they was usually a good reason
I say: (12:57:01 AM): I just dont understand how you have time, to go on hotornot..and myspace..and do this and that..and can't even bother to say.. hey honey.. sorry I didn’t call.. I felt it was too late and didn’t want to wake you.. etc..etc..
I say: (12:57:06 AM): I dont feel like its a good reason
I say: (12:57:09 AM): you dont explain
He says: (12:57:22 AM): if you going to dig this up...then I'm leaving
I say: (12:57:28 AM): please..
I say: (12:57:36 AM): I want to understand..why you dont want to be with me
He says: (12:58:10 AM): I already apologized for this
He says: (12:58:15 AM): not doing it twice
I say: (12:58:28 AM): I'm not asking you to apologize..
I say: (12:58:42 AM): I just want to understand.. why you think its best for us to quit dating
I say: (12:58:47 AM): because I dont see it like that
I say: (12:59:06 AM): I'm sorry
I say: (12:59:08 AM): I'm sorry
I say: (12:59:47 AM): ?
He says: (12:59:55 AM): hello
I say: (1:00:00 AM): yes?
He says: (1:00:18 AM): thought you left
I say: (1:00:29 AM): well. unfortunately i'm still here
I say: (1:01:12 AM): I just want to be able to understand.
I say: (1:01:37 AM): i'm not trying to piss you off..
I say: (1:02:09 AM): I just don't understand.. why.. if we love each other and want to be together, why we can't work something out...
He says: (1:02:12 AM): really??!?!?!?
He says: (1:02:14 AM): LOL
I say: (1:02:29 AM): why am I pissing you off?
I say: (1:02:35 AM): if I am . i'm sorry
He says: (1:02:37 AM): nope
I say: (1:03:18 AM): Im sorry you felt like I scold you when you dont call
I say: (1:03:22 AM): I just worry
He says: (1:03:38 AM): I understand that now
I say: (1:03:57 AM): i'm repeating myself again....
I say: (1:04:00 AM): I just don't understand.. why.. if we love each other and want to be together, why we can't work something out...
I say: (1:04:45 AM): but I guess I mite as well talk to Oscar the grouch
He says: (1:05:26 AM): I dont believe we can work as long as we are were we are location wise
He says: (1:05:56 AM): that will have to change before anything can "work out"...
He says: (1:06:12 AM): and I'm just not in a position to do anything about that right now
I say: (1:06:23 AM): why do we have to right now...
I say: (1:06:47 AM): there are so many things.. we can work on.. before one of us moved closer to the other
He says: (1:06:55 AM): we dont...which is why I suggested what I suggested earlier
I say: (1:07:02 AM): just be friends..
He says: (1:07:06 AM): yes
I say: (1:07:26 AM): I'm saying. if that is what you want.. you will never have a chance.. to be with me.. again
He says: (1:07:45 AM): why are being so mean to me
I say: (1:07:47 AM): I can't just be "friends" and hope one day things will change..and we can be together
I say: (1:07:53 AM): I’m not being mean.. I'm being realistic
He says: (1:07:59 AM): ok
He says: (1:08:18 AM): I'm going
I say: (1:08:21 AM): if you want me, like you say you do, I need some sort of commitment, before.. I up and move.. or before.. anything that serious
I say: (1:08:25 AM): Please Tony..
I say: (1:08:43 AM): if your mad.. please dont be
He says: (1:08:50 AM): im not mad
I say: (1:08:55 AM): what then
He says: (1:08:56 AM): just tired
I say: (1:09:01 AM): ok.. can we talk again soon?
He says: (1:09:23 AM): I want to pass through this so I can at least have my friend back
I say: (1:09:45 AM): Tony.. if i'm just your friend.. again.. thats all I will be.. and I dont want that.. I want more..
I say: (1:10:03 AM): I love you so much.. I want to be in your arms.. I want to feel your kisses..
I say: (1:11:34 AM): I guess you wont say anything yet.. again.... sweet dreams.. and take care.. I hope you have a nice day...
He says: (1:11:45 AM): u2
He says: (1:11:52 AM): be good to yourself
I say: (1:11:53 AM): please.. just know.. i'm not trying to be mean by what I said.. just realistic..
I say: (1:11:58 AM): yeah..
I say: (1:12:00 AM): nite
He says: (11:16:58 PM): hello
I say: (11:17:10 PM): Hi there
He says: (11:17:25 PM): how are you
I say: (11:17:29 PM): so/so
I say: (11:17:29 PM): u
He says: (11:17:49 PM): same
I say: (11:18:03 PM): how was your day
He says: (11:18:11 PM): busy
I say: (11:18:24 PM): your home early
I say: (11:18:30 PM): I was just getting ready for bed
He says: (11:18:39 PM): I was going to go out...but I have some other work to do so
I say: (11:18:49 PM): oh ok.
He says: (11:19:16 PM): I read your email
I say: (11:19:23 PM): and? which one?
He says: (11:19:28 PM): both
I say: (11:19:39 PM): and? ur response?
He says: (11:21:07 PM): I don't agree with everything
I say: (11:21:19 PM): like?
He says: (11:21:51 PM): my distractions being more important
I say: (11:22:21 PM): they feel like they are to me
He says: (11:23:01 PM): I cant do anything about your feelings
I say: (11:23:28 PM): I didn't ask you to
He says: (11:23:39 PM): but I do know that I dont want to be....not friends at least
I say: (11:23:58 PM): huh? are you saying you don't want to be friends/
I say: (11:24:27 PM): that was obvious the way you deleted me from myspace before you even sent me the letter.. saying you wanted to break up
He says: (11:24:30 PM): you know I didn;t stop loving you....I just know aI cant give you wait you want
He says: (11:24:46 PM): Ideleted you after
I say: (11:24:54 PM): if you say so
I say: (11:25:10 PM): why dont you want to be friends
He says: (11:25:20 PM): I had to resend it....originally I sent to the wrong account
I say: (11:25:29 PM): oh
He says: (11:25:43 PM): no... I do want to be friends
I say: (11:26:02 PM): ok.. i'm confused
I say: (11:26:06 PM): this hurts alot.
He says: (11:26:30 PM): you sid you wouldnt mind being friends...I am agreeing
I say: (11:26:34 PM): ok
I say: (11:27:13 PM): Tony..
I say: (11:28:34 PM): so what made you decide what you did?
He says: (11:28:53 PM): decide what?
I say: (11:29:06 PM): that we shouldn't see each other..
I say: (11:29:11 PM): because I told you the same thing last weekend
I say: (11:29:16 PM): and you asked me to give you a chance
He says: (11:30:00 PM): I cant give you want you want....
I say: (11:30:25 PM): I
I say: (11:30:31 PM): I've told you that from the beginning
He says: (11:30:43 PM): and maybe I should have listened
I say: (11:30:57 PM): maybe I shouldnt have said it
I say: (11:31:32 PM): I love you so much
He says: (11:33:17 PM): are you ok?
I say: (11:33:49 PM): I don't know, I’m really hurt.. and I don't want to break up
He says: (11:34:25 PM): then what do you want me to do
I say: (11:34:42 PM): I dont know, but I didn't want you to just give up on us
I say: (11:36:44 PM): still there?
He says: (11:36:47 PM): yeah
I say: (11:37:06 PM): your not saying anything
He says: (11:37:33 PM): not sure what to say
I say: (11:38:02 PM): whatever you are thinking and or feeling
He says: (11:38:25 PM): ok
He says: (11:38:58 PM): a....
He says: (11:39:36 PM): I sent you email, because I figured it would be easier for everyone involved
I say: (11:39:50 PM): it wasn't very nice
He says: (11:39:53 PM): I was particularly thinking about Dare
I say: (11:40:18 PM): how does that make it easier on her
He says: (11:40:26 PM): I had thought about driving up, but it just seems like a bad idea
He says: (11:40:45 PM): because she doesn’t have to see it
I say: (11:40:50 PM): I'd of rather talked about it on the phone, than hear that in an email
I say: (11:40:57 PM): she still has to see me .. crying...
I say: (11:41:09 PM): every time I think about something that reminds me of you.
I say: (11:41:19 PM): I gave her a kiss, and told it was from you..
I say: (11:41:30 PM): and she said " he can come over tomorrow and give me one" and I started bawling
He says: (11:41:49 PM): I'm sorry
I say: (11:42:15 PM): she told me later.. she wanted to throw me a party... so she could find me a husband, so she could have a step daddy.. and a baby brother..
I say: (11:42:30 PM): she loves you, I love you...
I say: (11:42:46 PM): it would be easier if you just told me I was a bitch and you hated me
I say: (11:42:52 PM): or that you wanted to be with someone else
He says: (11:43:50 PM): that would untrue
He says: (11:44:12 PM): You're not a bitch, and I dont hate you
I say: (11:44:14 PM): it wouldnt matter, it would make it easier...
I say: (11:45:00 PM): why did you say ? "Maybe when that happens, we can start over."
He says: (11:46:13 PM): if we're going to be together...then we need to be TOGETHER....In the same place, or at least the same zip code
He says: (11:46:54 PM): that was the plan....but I can't do that right now....
I say: (11:47:02 PM): yes.. I know.. .. I didn't ask for that now
I say: (11:47:09 PM): but that is what I wanted too
I say: (11:47:29 PM): I'm sorry I said.. I'd never move for you, because that isn't completely true
He says: (11:47:32 PM): no...but you need that....and until I give that to you I'm always going to fall short
He says: (11:47:42 PM): and you deserve better
I say: (11:47:48 PM): dont tell me that shit
I say: (11:48:15 PM): I know I expect too much.
He says: (11:48:26 PM): no...you dont really
I say: (11:48:38 PM): I do. I always want results, right now..
I say: (11:48:47 PM): even when I know that isn't possible
He says: (11:49:05 PM): you expectations are very reasonable for someone who lives with you....or is close enough to suffice
He says: (11:49:20 PM): right now I am neither
I say: (11:49:23 PM): just..the phone calls, are important to me... its my way of connecting with you, and it hurt so much, that you didn't see that, and only saw it.. "as just a phone call"
He says: (11:49:40 PM): I'm sorry about that
I say: (11:49:55 PM): but I didn't ask you to live with me.. or move for me...
I say: (11:50:04 PM): I just wanted you to do what you say...
He says: (11:50:06 PM): no I offered
He says: (11:50:18 PM): just cant do it right now
I say: (11:50:26 PM): I didn't ask you to do it right now..
I say: (11:50:37 PM): I know it takes time.. but I could never understand why you offered
He says: (11:50:52 PM): I offered because I wanted to be with you
He says: (11:50:54 PM): still do
I say: (11:51:12 PM): then why can't we work something out?
He says: (11:51:49 PM): because it wont be enough for you...and you know that
I say: (11:52:21 PM): I dont know what to say
I say: (11:52:24 PM): I just can't stop crying
I say: (11:53:05 PM): I dont know that what you said is true..
I say: (11:53:50 PM): why do you think it wont be enough for me
He says: (11:54:27 PM): because its already proven to be the case
I say: (11:54:57 PM): do you really even think we've tried that hard?
I say: (11:55:06 PM): if thats what you think.. then fine
I say: (11:55:13 PM): I'm going to try to get some sleep
He says: (11:55:24 PM): please dont be mad
I say: (11:55:28 PM): I am mad
I say: (11:55:37 PM): mad because you gave up.. without even really trying
I say: (11:55:50 PM): after you knew what I was like, and what I wanted and needed..
I say: (11:56:00 PM): after I gave you my heart, my body my soul
I say: (11:56:08 PM): after you promised to never hurt me
I say: (11:56:31 PM): after I tried to tell you, that you weren't giving me what I needed, and I didn't think you could..
I say: (11:56:39 PM): and you asked me to give you a chance to...
He says: (11:56:53 PM): fine
I say: (11:57:03 PM): fine what?
He says: (11:57:08 PM): so I am wasting my time trying to be friends with you then
I say: (11:57:20 PM): I didn't say that
I say: (11:57:40 PM): I just don't understand
I say: (11:58:11 PM): how you can say these things, to me. and expect me to just accept the fact that it has to be over
I say: (11:58:28 PM): accept the fact... that you love and and want me, but...
I say: (11:58:32 PM): it just can't be
He says: (11:58:35 PM): it doesnt have to be over.....
I say: (11:58:44 PM): then what?
He says: (11:58:49 PM): remember we were friends before we were lovers
I say: (11:59:00 PM): yes..
He says: (11:59:01 PM): cant we just go back to that
He says: (11:59:26 PM): and when circumstances are maybe can try again
He says: (11:59:37 PM): circumstances are better
I say: (11:59:39 PM): its not that simple
He says: (11:59:45 PM): I know thawt
He says: (12:00:02 AM): but its better than nothing...yes?
I say: (12:00:11 AM): I dont know if I could give you another chance.. knowing you gave up on me..because circumstance were hard..
I say: (12:00:20 AM): you know.. their are guys.. waiting in line...
I say: (12:00:39 AM): and.. one day.. my heart will start to heal.. and.. someone will catch my eye
I say: (12:00:51 AM): it is better than nothing..
I say: (12:00:59 AM): but...
I say: (12:01:42 AM): I cry so much, everytime of think of you being here.. I dread going to sleep, because all I want is for you to hold me.. and I know you will never again..
I say: (12:02:04 AM): all I wanted is to be part of your life..
He says: (12:02:11 AM): you're making this much harder than need be
I say: (12:02:33 AM): whatever you say Tony... I'm going to go to bed.. you have your opinion.. and thats fine..
I say: (12:02:47 AM): I'm sure you'll meet some nice girl.. that really loves to fuck
He says: (12:02:57 AM): dont do this
I say: (12:03:04 AM): dont do what..
I say: (12:03:06 AM): get mad
I say: (12:03:17 AM): cuz you couldn’t even call on the phone. and tell me this..
He says: (12:03:20 AM): actually no... I take that back
I say: (12:03:31 AM): after you led me on.. knowing that you couldn't do what you said you could
I say: (12:03:36 AM): what?
He says: (12:03:36 AM): get mad ....get angry .....get it out of your system
He says: (12:03:45 AM): so I can have my fried back
I say: (12:03:49 AM): I'm so hurt.. and I dont understand
I say: (12:04:19 AM): it hurts so bad, Tony..
I say: (12:04:33 AM): I can't imagine ever being with someone else..and feeling so good.. like I felt with you
I say: (12:04:47 AM): when we were together.. it just felt so perfect
He says: (12:05:22 AM): all the more reason for US to get over this
I say: (12:05:34 AM): what do you mean?
He says: (12:05:39 AM): so we can do this the right way
I say: (12:05:56 AM): what do you mean
I say: (12:06:55 AM): ??
He says: (12:07:03 AM): look
He says: (12:07:22 AM): clearly we are meant to be together
He says: (12:07:51 AM): but if we can't do right now...then we should go with what we got
I say: (12:08:13 AM): you are the one..saying we can't do this right.. now...
He says: (12:08:27 AM): you said it first
I say: (12:08:38 AM): I'm willing to give you time.. and space... if that is what you want...
I say: (12:08:43 AM): I know I said it first...
I say: (12:09:20 AM): just I dont want to be without you.
I say: (12:10:13 AM): I just dont understand how us just "being friends" is going to help.. us be together in the end.. because all it makes me feel is that, never one of u can be committed to working out the problems
I say: (12:10:51 AM): neither
He says: (12:11:46 AM): if we're friends...that means we dont hate each other
I say: (12:12:10 AM): I could never hate you
He says: (12:12:18 AM): it means the book doesn’t close
I say: (12:12:31 AM): no. but it still means.. we both move on in our lives
I say: (12:12:34 AM): without the other
He says: (12:12:53 AM): not necessarily
I say: (12:13:26 AM): I can't just be your friend.. and hold out hope.. that one day.. things will be better.. and we can be together
He says: (12:13:27 AM): you’re friends with Lisa (I know different thing) your lives move in different directions, but you still have each other
I say: (12:13:36 AM): girlfriends are different..
He says: (12:13:48 AM): how so
He says: (12:14:03 AM): especially in this case
I say: (12:14:16 AM): because you'll meet women.. and I'll meet men.. and things wont be the same
He says: (12:14:45 AM): Idont believe that
He says: (12:14:59 AM): nothing stays the same anyway
I say: (12:15:06 AM): thats true
I say: (12:15:40 AM): but I couldn’t deal with being with your friend.. and loving you as much as I do. hoping someday.. you'll be around to make a commitment to me.. knowing your with other women
He says: (12:16:20 AM): you make me sound like I have a different woman every week
I say: (12:16:32 AM): I'm not trying to
He says: (12:16:42 AM): may I remind you that you've had more partners than me my dear LOL
He says: (12:16:49 AM):
I say: (12:16:51 AM): thanks for the nice reminder
He says: (12:17:16 AM): I mean no offense
I say: (12:17:23 AM): just I don't understand how you can say any of this to me.. and expect me to be.. like. oh .. ok.. thats fine
He says: (12:17:33 AM): for now...I dont
I say: (12:17:42 AM): commitment is important to me
He says: (12:17:55 AM): but I'm hoping, as you heal, that you'll see the logic of my words
I say: (12:17:59 AM): I wont
I say: (12:18:04 AM): I do understand part of it
I say: (12:18:15 AM): but I’ll never completely understand.
He says: (12:18:30 AM): and thats you'll realize that I did what I what...because I love and care about you
He says: (12:18:42 AM): missed phone calls included
I say: (12:18:49 AM): if you say so
I say: (12:18:57 AM): everything is a matter of opinion
I say: (12:19:04 AM): and everything is your choice
He says: (12:19:27 AM): not true
I say: (12:19:29 AM): how so
He says: (12:19:32 AM): you have choices
I say: (12:19:38 AM): not in our relationship
He says: (12:19:48 AM): you could choose to forgive me...
I say: (12:20:02 AM): or not forgive you
He says: (12:20:09 AM): you could choose to be my friend instead of my ex
I say: (12:20:18 AM): its not the same T. ..
I say: (12:20:24 AM): do you even understand how I feel
He says: (12:20:30 AM): no I dont
He says: (12:20:39 AM): I cant Iam not you
I say: (12:20:45 AM): you could still understand...
He says: (12:20:47 AM): but you are not the only person hurting here
I say: (12:20:54 AM): how can you tell me that
I say: (12:21:15 AM): you chose to end this, you chose to not even try..
I say: (12:21:27 AM): you chose.. what is important in your life
I say: (12:21:52 AM): I really don't think you tried, whether .. you believe it or not
I say: (12:21:52 AM): not
He says: (12:22:11 AM): I would hasten to call coming to see you..and making space for you In my life...not trying
I say: (12:22:19 AM): huh?
He says: (12:22:20 AM): but that is a matter of opinion
I say: (12:22:33 AM): you came to see me 3 times..
I say: (12:22:46 AM): you called when you felt like and emailed when you felt like it
He says: (12:22:48 AM): we saw each other for a month
I say: (12:22:54 AM): and you didn't make space for me in your life
He says: (12:22:59 AM): please dont start
I say: (12:23:06 AM): tell me how you made space?
I say: (12:23:37 AM): because I dont see it
I say: (12:23:40 AM): maybe i'm missing something
He says: (12:23:48 AM): we're not having this discussion again
He says: (12:23:56 AM): or at least I'm not
I say: (12:23:56 AM): you basically told ur friends, I'm fucking nuts..
He says: (12:24:01 AM): no
He says: (12:24:03 AM): No
He says: (12:24:04 AM): NO
I say: (12:24:09 AM): and then.. told me you needed space. and ignored me for 4 days
He says: (12:24:27 AM): YOUR BLOG TOLD MY FRIENDS THAT YOU'RE NUCKING FUTS
He says: (12:24:30 AM): NOT ME
I say: (12:24:38 AM): yes. yes..
He says: (12:24:41 AM): YOUR PUBLIC BLOG...I MIGHT ASS
I say: (12:24:43 AM): you sent them to it though
He says: (12:24:48 AM): ADD EVEN
I say: (12:24:49 AM): yes yes..
I say: (12:25:09 AM): then.. you couldn’t keep the fact they they thought that private you had to come tell me
I say: (12:25:10 AM): me
I say: (12:25:22 AM): knowing damn well.. that it would hurt me
He says: (12:25:54 AM): you always ask me what I'm thinking...did you want me to lie
I say: (12:26:03 AM): no.
He says: (12:26:08 AM): 'cuz I wont
I say: (12:26:09 AM): but you could of left that out
I say: (12:26:44 AM): it doesnt matter now, cuz I'm not part of your life
He says: (12:26:55 AM): that...is your choice
I say: (12:27:09 AM): how. just cuz we are friends .. doesnt mean anything
He says: (12:27:42 AM): so you;re telling that the time before we dated was meaningless
I say: (12:27:50 AM): i'm not saying that..
He says: (12:27:53 AM): you just did
I say: (12:28:01 AM): I'm just saying... we are just friends.. I dont expect anything out of that..
I say: (12:28:11 AM): I dont expect to see you.. or even really talk to you
I say: (12:28:43 AM): I just dont understand... and I dont know how you expect me too
I say: (12:30:09 AM): I've just never met anyone that.. could sit and tell me he loves me . and wants to be with me.. and.. not... be able to make that commitment, because he feels that is what is best.. for me
I say: (12:30:59 AM): still there?
He says: (12:31:03 AM): yeah
I say: (12:31:08 AM): not saying anything
I say: (12:31:45 AM): Tony?
He says: (12:31:49 AM): yes
I say: (12:31:53 AM): are you going to say anything?
He says: (12:32:05 AM): not sure what to say
I say: (12:32:10 AM): then dont.
I say: (12:32:23 AM): its fine.. I'll never quite understand...
I say: (12:32:38 AM): I'm going to go, cry myself to sleep.. goodnite.. and take care
He says: (12:32:52 AM): bye
I say: (12:33:05 AM): I just dont understand.. how you can tell me what you tell me.. and still agree..whats best
I say: (12:33:15 AM): you are something you know that
He says: (12:33:33 AM): I get that alot
He says: (12:33:43 AM): sadly
I say: (12:33:53 AM): sadly you probably always will
I say: (12:34:16 AM): I just want to understand
I say: (12:34:22 AM): so I can heal
I say: (12:34:28 AM): so I can get over you.. and move on
I say: (12:34:50 AM): Noone has ever made me feel like you do...
I say: (12:35:34 AM): both good and bad..
I say: (12:35:50 AM): are you paying any attention. or am I talking to myself
He says: (12:36:08 AM): im reading
I say: (12:36:44 AM): ok?
He says: (12:37:11 AM): I'm going to sleep now
I say: (12:37:40 AM): yeah me too.. see you around. you know how to find me..
He says: (12:37:49 AM): ok
I say: (12:37:56 AM): I'm glad someone can sleep
I say: (12:38:26 AM): I just want to scream and choke you to death right now
He says: (12:38:52 AM): removes neck...and hands it to her
I say: (12:39:06 AM): *thanks.. at least made me laugh*
I say: (12:39:17 AM): I just want to understand, and be ok with this.
I say: (12:39:24 AM): I want to stop crying.
He says: (12:39:26 AM): give in time
He says: (12:39:31 AM): it time rather
I say: (12:39:42 AM): how am I supposed to understand
I say: (12:39:49 AM): you tell me u love me..
I say: (12:39:52 AM): and you want me..
I say: (12:40:07 AM): how can you tell me that.. its not true
I say: (12:40:18 AM): can I ask you something?
He says: (12:40:26 AM): sure
I say: (12:40:37 AM): if I would of been pregnant.. would you of still broke up with me?
He says: (12:40:49 AM): no
He says: (12:40:52 AM): of course not
I say: (12:41:01 AM): why is that
He says: (12:41:24 AM): a...I wanted you to be the mother
He says: (12:42:00 AM): b...a child is a life changing event...I've always told myself if I became a dad the band thing would be over
I say: (12:42:12 AM): your crazy
He says: (12:42:21 AM): at thawt point...we would have to be together
I say: (12:42:46 AM): so now.. though.. we love each other.. there is really no point in us being together?
He says: (12:42:54 AM): you asked once why I was disappointed that you weren't pregnant
He says: (12:43:30 AM): your sentence doesn’t make sense
I say: (12:43:54 AM): basically all I read into all this.. is.. You can't make a commitment to me...
He says: (12:44:07 AM): not the one you want
He says: (12:44:14 AM): or deserve
I say: (12:44:21 AM): but if I was pregnant.. you could... and that doesnt make sense to me..
He says: (12:44:45 AM): would you rather my answer been different
I say: (12:44:54 AM): I dont know.
I say: (12:45:12 AM): just I want you to want to be with me..
He says: (12:45:15 AM): would you rather have heard me say "No Julie, I would have dumped you anyway"...
I say: (12:45:31 AM): It wouldnt of mattered, if I was pregnant.. I would of killed myself. and not messed up
I say: (12:45:41 AM): cuz I couldn’t take the chance of being alone
He says: (12:46:12 AM): thats selfish thinking...but I dont believe you'd do that to Dare
I say: (12:46:22 AM): I would of... and it scares me.
I say: (12:46:49 AM): why can't you make a commitment tome?
I say: (12:47:48 AM): why did you offer to move for me.. knowing damn well you wouldnt do it
I say: (12:47:53 AM): why did you tell me you wanted to marry me
I say: (12:48:52 AM): Tony?
He says: (12:49:20 AM): yes
I say: (12:49:33 AM): am I talking to myself? or just bothering you?
He says: (12:49:59 AM): no to both
I say: (12:50:17 AM): could u try to answer my questions then.. then I'll shut up and leave you alone
He says: (12:50:42 AM): why can't you make a commitment tome?
I say: (12:50:51 AM): thats one thing I asked.. yah
He says: (12:50:58 AM): Because I cant give you want right now....
I say: (12:51:21 AM): I just feel its more than that
He says: (12:51:29 AM): why did you tell me you wanted to marry me...because I did, and still do
I say: (12:51:38 AM): how can you tell me that?
He says: (12:51:46 AM): you asked
I say: (12:52:18 AM): if you let go.... and want to be just friends.. I'm not going to accept the fact.. if you decide 3 years from now, that you want me.. and think i'm just going to jump to be with you..
He says: (12:52:36 AM): I didn’t say thawt
I say: (12:52:46 AM): no.. you didn’t
I say: (12:52:56 AM): I also asked.. why did you offer to move for me...
He says: (12:53:30 AM): because at the time I wanted to, and the band wants to move anyway
I say: (12:53:41 AM): umm..
I say: (12:53:49 AM): what is it that you can't give me?
He says: (12:54:03 AM): I liked Allentown because it was central...and it seemed a good way to solve all problems at once
He says: (12:54:09 AM): time
I say: (12:54:10 AM): ok
I say: (12:54:14 AM): why can't you give me time?
He says: (12:54:23 AM): I can
He says: (12:54:42 AM): but I dont want to have to worry if I miss a phone call
I say: (12:54:56 AM): why dont you see the phone calls as important
He says: (12:55:00 AM): or if I can't come see you at the last moment
I say: (12:55:06 AM): its the only way we connect, its important to me
He says: (12:55:19 AM): they are important
I say: (12:55:23 AM): what do you mean.. if you can't come to see me at the last moment... ...
I say: (12:55:31 AM): like ..saying Friday.. Oh by the way. I can't come
He says: (12:55:34 AM): I never said they weren't
I say: (12:55:39 AM): it cuz you don't explain.. why
I say: (12:55:46 AM): what is it you worry about..when you miss a phone call?
He says: (12:56:13 AM): talking to you is important...but I dont want to be scolded if I dont talk to you
I say: (12:56:24 AM): I didn't realize you felt I scolded you
He says: (12:56:38 AM): what you never seemed to realize is ...if I dodnt talk to you...they was usually a good reason
I say: (12:57:01 AM): I just dont understand how you have time, to go on hotornot..and myspace..and do this and that..and can't even bother to say.. hey honey.. sorry I didn’t call.. I felt it was too late and didn’t want to wake you.. etc..etc..
I say: (12:57:06 AM): I dont feel like its a good reason
I say: (12:57:09 AM): you dont explain
He says: (12:57:22 AM): if you going to dig this up...then I'm leaving
I say: (12:57:28 AM): please..
I say: (12:57:36 AM): I want to understand..why you dont want to be with me
He says: (12:58:10 AM): I already apologized for this
He says: (12:58:15 AM): not doing it twice
I say: (12:58:28 AM): I'm not asking you to apologize..
I say: (12:58:42 AM): I just want to understand.. why you think its best for us to quit dating
I say: (12:58:47 AM): because I dont see it like that
I say: (12:59:06 AM): I'm sorry
I say: (12:59:08 AM): I'm sorry
I say: (12:59:47 AM): ?
He says: (12:59:55 AM): hello
I say: (1:00:00 AM): yes?
He says: (1:00:18 AM): thought you left
I say: (1:00:29 AM): well. unfortunately i'm still here
I say: (1:01:12 AM): I just want to be able to understand.
I say: (1:01:37 AM): i'm not trying to piss you off..
I say: (1:02:09 AM): I just don't understand.. why.. if we love each other and want to be together, why we can't work something out...
He says: (1:02:12 AM): really??!?!?!?
He says: (1:02:14 AM): LOL
I say: (1:02:29 AM): why am I pissing you off?
I say: (1:02:35 AM): if I am . i'm sorry
He says: (1:02:37 AM): nope
I say: (1:03:18 AM): Im sorry you felt like I scold you when you dont call
I say: (1:03:22 AM): I just worry
He says: (1:03:38 AM): I understand that now
I say: (1:03:57 AM): i'm repeating myself again....
I say: (1:04:00 AM): I just don't understand.. why.. if we love each other and want to be together, why we can't work something out...
I say: (1:04:45 AM): but I guess I mite as well talk to Oscar the grouch
He says: (1:05:26 AM): I dont believe we can work as long as we are were we are location wise
He says: (1:05:56 AM): that will have to change before anything can "work out"...
He says: (1:06:12 AM): and I'm just not in a position to do anything about that right now
I say: (1:06:23 AM): why do we have to right now...
I say: (1:06:47 AM): there are so many things.. we can work on.. before one of us moved closer to the other
He says: (1:06:55 AM): we dont...which is why I suggested what I suggested earlier
I say: (1:07:02 AM): just be friends..
He says: (1:07:06 AM): yes
I say: (1:07:26 AM): I'm saying. if that is what you want.. you will never have a chance.. to be with me.. again
He says: (1:07:45 AM): why are being so mean to me
I say: (1:07:47 AM): I can't just be "friends" and hope one day things will change..and we can be together
I say: (1:07:53 AM): I’m not being mean.. I'm being realistic
He says: (1:07:59 AM): ok
He says: (1:08:18 AM): I'm going
I say: (1:08:21 AM): if you want me, like you say you do, I need some sort of commitment, before.. I up and move.. or before.. anything that serious
I say: (1:08:25 AM): Please Tony..
I say: (1:08:43 AM): if your mad.. please dont be
He says: (1:08:50 AM): im not mad
I say: (1:08:55 AM): what then
He says: (1:08:56 AM): just tired
I say: (1:09:01 AM): ok.. can we talk again soon?
He says: (1:09:23 AM): I want to pass through this so I can at least have my friend back
I say: (1:09:45 AM): Tony.. if i'm just your friend.. again.. thats all I will be.. and I dont want that.. I want more..
I say: (1:10:03 AM): I love you so much.. I want to be in your arms.. I want to feel your kisses..
I say: (1:11:34 AM): I guess you wont say anything yet.. again.... sweet dreams.. and take care.. I hope you have a nice day...
He says: (1:11:45 AM): u2
He says: (1:11:52 AM): be good to yourself
I say: (1:11:53 AM): please.. just know.. i'm not trying to be mean by what I said.. just realistic..
I say: (1:11:58 AM): yeah..
I say: (1:12:00 AM): nite
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
