The Day

I don't know what to really type here. I'm on the edge. I want to die, but I don't. I can't deal with my life. I feel the only way out of this pain is death. How do normal people deal with this? I want to go into the hospital. I have to, I don't know if anyone will listen though. I have noone to take care of Darian. I don't know what to do. I wish I had someone to hold me and love me. I need that right now, more than anything in the world. Why does living have to be so hard. Why are there no rewards? I NEED HELP. I pray.. please help me.

Living

I don't know how to deal with my gram. I wish I did. She is so intolerable. She purposely picks fights, I think that is how she feels loved. I told her tonite... if she wanted me to leave all she had to do was say so. She drives me up a wall. BItching for an hour on what to have for dinner. I didn't want any dinner, I am not hungry, nor feeling good. BItching because I swore in front of my daughter. That is my business, not hers. I hate being here. I know Darian feels the stress, but I still don't know what to do or say. I don't belong here, I know that.
I am just soo tired, this is the second day of tiredness.. (well half the day yesterday) earlier in the day yesterday, I worked my butt off, and Gram of course didnt appreciate it. Also today is the third day for my headache. I wish they would go away.
I guess that is life.
Today, in group, they asked me all kinds of questions about my relationship with C. I answered them all. I realistically believe C. and I are meant to be together, and that we can have a healthy relationship.

Feelings

Again, the moodiness..going from feeling ok.. to miserable.. but.. I'm trying to cope a little better. Talked to my mom and stepdad today, and hopefully they are going to do the paperwork I need done.. for C. to come up. I am hoping..they acted like they would fill it out. Crossing my fingers. I feel that C. and I will be great together, and I want to share my life with him. I've missed him today. We missed each other online. I had an errand to do, and then I forgot to do something and I had to go back to Bradford. I was so mad. I got that game returned though. Thank goodness.

I get to go on a field trip with Darian to a farm. Hope I am feeling better tommorrow. I had one of my headaches today. Darian will be sleepy, she was up late tonite. I feel bad.. cuz she is cranky and sleepy. I feel it has something to do with the tensions of living here. I wish I could do something.

Well I am off for the nite, trying to get my email to work.

Life AND Death

I hate going from feeling ok.. to feeling miserable, because of the way I take peoples words and attitudes. My gramma is always dogging me. SHe blamed me for my aunt not calling, cuz my aunt is talking to me online. Her throat hurts. My gram just ignores me. What do I do. I have been trying to do what i've learned of my coping skills. It doesn't help. I have tears in my eyes.. and my heart hurts. Hurts from the pain. I can't stand it. My thoughts then go to dying, to cutting. I know I can control that. .. but they thoughts, they border obsessive... they won't go away when I feel like this.

I need to be held, I need to feel loved. I don't feel loved here. I hate that my grandmother acts this way. I know I can't change her.. but I don't know why I should sit here and take this. I have nowhere else to go though. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

Today

Not sure what to say about today. I tried to sooth my anger that I felt towards my grandmother. I feel it more and more. I do not like the anger I feel. I wish I could do something, something to make it easier here.

Things with C. and I are going good. I've missed him this weekend, we didn't really talk much this weekend. I can't wait for him to be here though. I just wish I could do the paperwork myself, instead of having to ask someone else to do it for me. IT SUCKS.

Tommorrow I will be going to Darian's school. That will be fun.

The love I cherish,
The love I see,
It is right there..
waiting for me..

Waiting for me,
To be free,
Of this pain,
I hold inside me.

The pain I hold,
wants to leave,
I feel it inside,
I want to believe

I want to believe,
That the pain is gone,
I can't feel it now,
but it will be back before long.

I AM GOING TO GO TO HELL- THE 7TH LEVEL

I took this test.. I found it funny, and well i'm prolly going to the 7th level of hell, because I answered that I do not believe in God. That is prolly a big one.
Check it out!!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Personality Test

Why do my mom and I have the same internet.. only mine at its best is.. like 21kbps and hers is 49.2 kbps. You be darn I am going to call and find out. Well anyway...
the real reason I posted is cuz I took a personality test.. and here are the results :

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Wedding Bells in the Air....

I'm in one of those moods, the ones i'm not used to. I'm not completely in a good mood, but not in a bad one either. Am I the only one that is not used to these days?? I hope not. Well I do know that I am not alone.

C. and I set a date.. June 14th, 2004. It's still unofficial yet.. ya know, still have to get a pastor, and rent the firehall and use the church.. and stuff like that, but hopefull all will work out well. I won't have the money to do these things till after the first of the year anyway. It is still and exciting process.

I cried my eyes out tonite talking with my aunt. I think I needed that release. It is kind of cool, she is planning on getting married soon also. Next year around the same time. We are trying to coordinate so we arent competeing.. and so we dont have such similiar weddings. I don't think that we will. Since she has had a wedding before.. she knows more about planning. I know I helped her make a million flowers for her wedding.. lol

Well all seems ok.. in my neverland. I'm doing ok. I'm working towards that goal of being happier every day. I know one day, I won't doubt happiness, and that makes my life worth living.

My beloved C.

I mean to write C. a letter, but I hope that he will just read this here. I'm pretty sure he reads it every once in a while. As much as I need him, I fear the loss of my own independence. It is something I need. I fear that because he is coming here, He will seriously want to be with me 24/7 and I'm not sure how tolerate I will be of that. Sure at first that is what I want to, I want to spend time getting to know him more, and showing him how much I love him, but after a while, I will become cranky and irratable and depressed. I need time to myself, as well as with my friends and family. I also worry excessively of our finances once he is here. I worry of that all the time, but I wonder how we will get by. I just so much, want to share my life with him, sometimes I am afraid to step up and say what is really on my mind. I've had too many years of pretending nothing is wrong, so it is hard for me to speak up. That is why I am glad that I can write, because it helps me get things out.

I fear the life I have,
I fear the life I want,
I fear the things that have happened,
I fear the fear will always haunt.

If fear was money,
I'd be rich,
but rather I am ordinary,
I am such a bitch.

A bitch with a passion,
A bitch with a care,
A bitch who wants to be
anywhere but there.

For there I fear,
The fear,
the fear that keeps me near
Near the ones that haunt my life
and hold the dreaded mirror.

My Best Friend

I spoke with her tonite. My heart cries out with pain. I have done an aweful thing to her, and she doesn't even know it. The two people closest to her, have hurt her the most. I can't stay silent any longer. I am writing her a letter tonite, and will send it out tommorrow. I can't keep in just because I'm in fear of what it will do to me. She needs to know. She deserves to know, she deserves enough respect to know what is going on. I fear it will ruin my daughters relationship with her daughter. If I don't say or do anything, I will feel guilt for the rest of my life. I told her about my website today, I probably shouldn't have, but I didn't think she would be interested. I feel for her. I wish I could make her happy, I love her so much. I just can't live knowing, I've not told her the truth. I will just have to deal with whatever decision she makes to continue or not continue our relationship. It scares me, but at the same token, I know I have to deal with this. It's been too long.

Borderline

This was sent to me in my BPD group online. Not sure where they found it, but it really hit the spot on how I feel most of the time.

I'm a borderline

that no one listens to

a borderline

that no one sees.

Every day I deal with problems

that seem normal

to everyone but me.




I am unworthwhile as problems go-

I really have it all together,

totally capable in any way.

No one can see me

incapacitated by my own anxiety

immobilized by fear and stress

hidden underneath a sheath

of everyday.




I took some Prozac

to feel better.

A nice band-aid

to cover the spot

of internal bleeding.

It worked.

but I'm still losing jobs

and I am still imploding relationships

like too many seagulls

on alka-seltzer.

But at least I can

better achieve the

glossy, high- quality

fakeness

that feeds everyone's expectations.



They made me president of a club.

They made me captain of the team.

They made me super-counselor at camp.

And editor of the paper.

They believed I could do it.

I failed every one.

And someone else stepped up

cleaned up

the mess I left behind.

Somehow I fooled every one of them

into thinking that I could do it.




After two months, I quit my job at the beach.

After four, I quit the paper.

I lasted two months at the Nile,

and a whole eight weeks at camp.

A single month as a janitor of the second floor.

A whopping seven months at the department store.

And Last but not least, after two months I was
fired from fine
dining.

I've never had a job I've liked- or been able to
keep.

And I was really trying at the last one.




I told Dylan, Scott, Chris, Ben, and Dustin

in whispers so sweet

"I'd love them forever."

"That this time was different."

I'm the most amazing woman.

I'd convince them, each

in his own language.

And when he was finally convinced,

I'd run away, and

abandon him at love's door,

with nothing more than an intense desire

to escape NOW

fueling my getaway.




Me, the borderline.

Living every day

my life meter switch

stuck on "survival."




Through periods of anger

I have several mementos.

Three punched holes

in three different walls.

A scratched, dented car.

Scratched, cut skin.

A piercing.

Many miles of gasoline

used up in silent crying, destination-

"anywhere but here."

Smoking cigarettes, smoking weed. Drinking my
health to the floor.
Impulse purchases- blades, clothes, bags, books,
and twenty different
bottles of shampoo. Screaming obscenities at
people I love, building
a firewall of hate for no reason. Insensible as
it all is, I sit
here, a borderline, this is my everyday.
Regretting my behavior. Dragging my feet through
work each shift
takes every ounce of energy I have

My relationships are a mystery to me- something I
will never
understand. Anger and depression are doors I try
unsuccessfully to
hold closed. I am nothing but a fake- hoping to
somehow achieve
normalness by convincing you that I am.

Yesterday.

Negativity-where does it get you? I dunno-but what if it is really the reality? Seriously-being positive only makes me dream and hope for more and so when I don't get it-all I get is greater dissappointment. I don't want that. But I don't wan this life I have now either. I want to be happy. I want to be normal.-Whatever the hell that is.

I have realized I need to move away now more than ever. The only reason I don't cut here is because I'm in the "good girl" role- that I've always been in. I hate it, I loathe it. It consumes me.

Darian has been cranky lately, Why I ask? I think because of my moods. I think she feels what I feel - just like I empathize with others.

I hate my fantasies of the future. How can they ever come true? They can't because I don't deserve happiness. Do I believe this is true? For the most part. Well I will continue this when I get home, if I make it. (NOTE: I orginally wrote this in my journal at home, and am retyping it, as I will do with other entries from my DAY/NIGHT journal) Well, I am home-Unfortunately my grandma is still awake. All I thought about on the way home is how my life is a sham and how me nor anyone else knows how things will turn out in the future. I also really want to talk to C. Now I'm thinking oh, yeah, I should break it off with him. Before I give him a chance to bring pain in my life. Who knows that he will or won't though.

THere is no God. SO.. I guess I'll never find out. Life & everything in it is a sham, it is not reality.I don't understand how I can be so intelligent and dumb at the same time. I have coping skills and i chose not to use them tonite, so I feel like shit. Least it is a real feeling and I'm not pretending my life is a dream world anymore.I plan on taking the risperadol I found along with my tother meds and see if that helps anyway. Can't hurt. I don't have enough for that sort of thing. My negative thinking again. I

I just dont' get life, and why my family is so fucked up. A. has to have everything her way and it's just easier to give in to her. Hell she's had 18 years of training. 18 years of being in charge. ANd i let her, just as my parents die. What do I do though? I can't make her change.How do I cope with her?

I'm so confused in my life. I don't know how to fix it. I feel broken. I feel lost and hurt. I feel scared. I don't know how to feel any different. I don't know how to feel happy and be realistic at the same time. How? I wish I did. I wish to learn that someday.

I'm so scared that C. and I won't work out. Seriously am I being realistic, I mean I'm in love and engaged to a man I've never met. It's strange, yes. Everyone is negatie about it though. I just really don't see the difference between this and arranged marriages. I mean they don't even meet their husbands/wifes until they are married or shortly before. I am very commited and C and I were friends before we wanted to date. We want some of the same things- a better education, a family, someone to hold, and love and share with. We both share a disbelief in God. For once, I found someone who is like me and just doesn't believe because everyone else does. We like the same music. Both like the internet. of course. :) I just don't know where I should go with this. I mean. Well. If I break up with him, I'm feel like I'm running away, I'm pushing him away. I feel like I haven't given "us" a chance. If I stay, I feel like, I'm not living in a real world. What do I do? Where do I go from here. It's scary, its' unreal.

I wish I could just move- and go somewhere far away. Away from here, away from the mess that I've created of my life. I want to be held. I want to be loved. How do I heal myself without C.? I don't know. But I don't want to be completely dependant either. How do I find the in between, that my personality doesnt want me to? How do you become independantly dependant or how do you find the healthiness in being both?


I do not know, I do not care.
I do not want to go over there.
I do not want to stay here
either.
I do not want to become a believer.
I want to find out
who I am.
I want to find out if my life
is a sham.
I just want the truth to be seen.
I want to see the in between.

Life

The hurt,
The pain,
My life,
The strain.
As I walk
down the path
that my life takes
I look around,
I think,
I feel,
I shake.
My world closes
upon me,
My world sucks me in,
It eats me up,
Just I thought,
I would begin.

Beginning of the End of the Beginning of the End of ...

Not even sure where to start. So much has been going on. I attended a class yesterday about young children’s behaviors, and tried to relax and couldn’t. My sister had me run her to Bradford, and unfortunately the money I was expecting did not come and no one knows why. That upsets me greatly. I did, however, get a check from TN from Walter for child support. I wish it would come regularly, but I don’t ever expect that.

Today I went to partial. I got really emotional. I don’t feel like I’m much in control. I’ve realized I’m not meeting most of my needs. Right now, one of the things that bother me the most is bothering me right now, my grandma. Can’t she see that I am busy and shut up? This is what drives me crazy the most. She always invades my personal space, and doesn’t expect anyone to want privacy. I think she was born on a different planet.

I really need to get out of my grandma’s house, but in the same token I am scared. Scared of how I will be when I am alone. I don’t want anything to happen like before. I felt so scared and alone. I was terrified of being alone. Terrified to go to sleep, terrified of myself. I don’t like that feeling. I will try my hardest not to ever feel that way again.

I am now getting sleepy. Something I hate, I hate feeling sleepy and tired. I feel lazy because I can never get enough done. Why? Because I spend a lot of time online. Online time keeps me sane though. I get to write here, on my blog, talk to the love of my life, and also to a few of my friends and family. It gives me some emotional support, and helps make up for my lack of physical touch.

I read a story today; it’s been going around lately. It was about the US landing on the moon, and trying to prove that they didn’t. I don’t know enough about the moon, to say whether I believe it or not. I really have no opinion. I wonder about other people, and what points they would argue though.

Some of the things I learned in that class the other day were helpful. They helped me realize why my sisters and brothers and I have no respect or value to my mother’s words. It makes me realize it was my mother’s lack of parenting skills, and that my sisters and brothers are not bad kids. Just hurt, mislabeled and neglected. I still find it hard to let go. I have to though, because I will not be around forever, and because they are pretty much grown up. I have to realize, that I can’t make them change, and I can’t really shape them anymore, because they have already been molded. It’s hard though. They are “my kids”.
I have to work on my own parenting skills, and be the best mom to my daughter. So that she can grow up to be a good productive adult.

One thing that the lady said yesterday that I didn’t really agree with was… that she as a parent would want her kids to have a better work ethic, rather than a high IQ and a good personality. I wouldn’t. My grandmother has the highest work ethic I have ever seen, and worked for this company 25 and some odd years. My dad has worked half that time, and he makes more than she does. What kind of bullshit is that? I couldn’t say. I want my children to be intelligent, and not take any bullshit. I do think they should have good work ethic, but I don’t think that should be the highest priority on the list.

Trying to get comments to work

and I have yet to be successful

Stop Searching, I Have Found The Meaning of Life

I sometimes wish I had more time to write, but what would I write? It mite get boring if I write too much. ļ Well, anyway, my day was pretty uneventful. Went to the hospital, chatted with C. and checked email. Checked out some beautiful wedding dresses online. Stuff like that. I feel kind of out of it today though. A little dizzy and out there. Not sure if it is just my body getting over the sickness, or another bad side effect from another medication. I guess I will find out in a few days, if I still feel crappy. Got to go for a walk today, just down to the post office, but it got me out of the house. Now if the weather could always just be as nice as it is today.

I worry about my grammas dog, Curly. She¡¦s been snapping a lot at my daughter. Yes my daughter does do some things to agitate, but today, Curly just snapped at her when she was trying to get a blanket from behind her. I just hope she doesn¡¦t bite my daughter. I will raise holy hell if she does. My gram needs to get that dog to the vet; something is just not right with her. She has coughing fits and stuff.

Why is the meaning of life such a mystery? I sometimes wonder this, like now. But if we knew the meaning of life, why would we go on living. My guess is that we wouldn¡¦t. It¡¦s hard for me to look back at the times, and realize that I really wanted to die. I did. Sometimes I still do, but I realize that I have a lot to live for. I want to change people¡¦s lives, and I have my whole life to do that. I don¡¦t know how exactly I will do that just yet, but I will. I have faith. I think that has a lot to do with wanting to life. The faith and trust in the future. Without faith, or something positive to look forward to, what is there? Nothing. With nothing, there is no future; with no future there is no reason to live. I¡¦ve felt exactly that way, way too many times to count.

I feel happiness inside most of the time now. When I do feel sad, I try to think of the good things in life. Sometimes they are so hard to remember though, because they are clouded by the negative things.

I found some old journals I had written a while back. I am hoping to get a chance to reread them tomorrow, if there is anything interesting, I will post some of the things here.
Well, it is about my bedtime so I will sign off now.

I think I learn alot, by reading other peoples blogs. Tonite, I read M.'s cuz i wanted to update myself with what was going on in his life. Always something new. I still don't know what to think about him having a gf. It always surprised me. Probably cuz I had a crush on him at the time. I am happy for him though. I of course, had to go check out his gf's blog. And seems they had a great weekend. Though, my opinion on M.'s religion, is different than his gf's. I have always found M to be quite religious. Way more religious than any I know. Most people I know, don't even care if they attend services. I find from what I have learned about the Jewish religion that most are more religious than Christians. Christians don't always bring there religion to every aspect of there life like other religions do, (this includes Muslims). Well there are different types of Christians, but the biggest, is the Real Christians, Vs.. the C&E Christians. (C&E - Christmas and Easter). I was told that my a friend of mine that is a Youth Minister. I don't know how people can stay so positive about their religion when they see so much evil in the world.

But anyway.. if anything i just said made any sense I'd be surprised, but I had to say something, because I find my friend, M. to be very loyal to his religion, sure he has become Americanized, but.. I would find it hard for anyone to not become that way. Reminds me of a how i watched the other day, about a Amish boy that had went to the "BIG" city to see what is was like. All he saw was evil and dismay. He decided he wanted to be Amish, and not go out on his own, and stay in the big city. His comment to the doctor that was showing him around, was... "Have you ever seen a homeless Amish man? The Amish stick together and take care of each other." Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could be that way. IF everyone could have the ability to really care about others. To give themselves to others.

But anyway.. (again...) I am off to bed.. Goodnite, I send my love to all that read this.

Sadness Haunts

Sadness haunts,
the hearts of many
How do you rid them
of this pain?
How do you stop
the endless rain.
You can not,
You should not,
It is not what you need,
It is not your greed.
But the greed of others,
without mothers,
that really,
truely loved
them.

Tomorrow is Another Day

I have so much on my mind; I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been sick for the last few days... well since Friday to be exact. That was the day that I started my new meds; guess what, my stomach did not appreciate them. A bad reaction, not actually called allergic, but went back to the doctor today, and they suggested I stop that medication and just eat and drink what was tolerated. It sucks. I’ve been sick to my stomach all weekend. I was finally able to eat with out being sick. Luckily. Still have a headache and stomach pain though. Who would have known? I’ve never had stomach problems with my meds. Oh well.

I’ve been really emotional. I’m off the Effexor. I think I am doing well. C., well he always cheers me up. I love being with him (even though it is online) and just thinking about him. My mood just went from about 4 to about 9.999999 just typing this message about him. I’m so in love. I just hope my heart doesn’t get ahead of myself on this one. I only wish to be happy more times than I am sad. 

I’m watching a movie on lifetime, so my thoughts may be a little distracted, I’m writing during commercials cuz I want to go to bed in the next half hour. Well, about C., I love him so much. Lately my heart, body and soul have ached for him so much. I don’t understand how I can be so in love with a man that I have never met, but I believe in love, and I know that he and I will give all that we have to make each other happy. He seems so open to my needs, and to the fact that I am not perfect. I am a perfectionist though, and that makes it hard for me to accept that my life isn’t. I want things to be as close to perfect as they can be. I do know that bad things and sadness will be in my life though. I have to accept that to get better.

I don’t know how much longer I can live here with my grandmother. The negativity gets to me. I don’t know how someone can be so negative. I know I do that to myself, but I’ve never that I can recall, tried to be so negative to others. I’ve always tried my hardest to make others happy. That is what makes me happy. I love to give myself to others, just is seems most people in my life take advantage of it. My whole family does. The only two people... well three people... that haven’t are D, my daughter, C, my fiancé, and S, my best friend. I guess my other best friend J, hasn’t either, but I’m not sure where I stand with her. I’m working on trying to get up the courage to help her, because I will have to heal from this too. I want her to be happy.

So, this week I have lots to do. I will go to partial 3 days this week. I have a class I am attending on Wednesday about children’s behaviors, and will also go shopping. And I have to write the invitation for my fiancé, and also get the applications and get them filled out for housing. Not my first choice for wanting to live, but I have to get out of here. I don’t know how I will survive… but I know I can be strong until C. gets here. I don’t live living alone; I don’t think I ever have. I have always wanted my family to be there. I can’t wait to finally feel as if “my” family is complete. I can’t wait to be wed. I think it has always been my dream, and I can’t believe that soon, it will become a reality. I can’t wait to give my love to him, and receive that same love back. They way he looks at me makes me feel so special… it’s as if the miles that we are apart, aren’t really there.

Life is scary though. I don’t know why I ever changed my mind about living life, but I am glad I did. I wish I could help those that don’t feel that way. How do you help someone that really has no reason to live though? How do you help someone that feels no love? I think love is the greatest thing on earth. First the love of my daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me. It got me thru the first 2-3 years after her birth. She made me happy, everything she did, seemed so perfect. Then, she got an attitude. I realized I couldn’t live on her to make me happy. I had to, and have to find the happiness within myself. What makes me happy? A beautiful day, talking with friends, writing, both here and my poetry. My dreams of the future make me happy. C. makes me happy. Knowing I’m alive makes me feel happy. I’m looking for more things to find my happiness in, and I know one day, I will find them… but for now... its is time for me to take care of me, and get some beauty rest.. Tomorrow is another day.

Shit Happens

Wow, I realize no wonder i have been feeling bad. I've yet to blog since Tuesday. I've been feeling really shitty the last 3 or 4 days. I should write more when I feel crappy. I think part of it is the meds, and part of it is just life. I start partial on Tuesday. I went last Wednesday also, that started all the emotional feelings. Right now I've been talking with C. so I just feel fantastic, but just a few hours ago I felt hopeless, and worthless.

Its weird how things can change in just a few minutes. I few days, a few weeks, a few months, a few years.... Things do change, and we have to adjust, I'm uncertain how to cope with my adjustments, and my stress. I'm hoping to learn new skills, to help me thru the uncertain times. I love C. so much, and yet.. I sometimes wonder, what the fuck am I doing? But then on the other hand, I feel such love and tenderness from him. I find him unbelieveable attractive.. I desire him so much. I feel the love just thru our chatting online, and I wonder, can this really be true. I can't wait to see him in the flesh.

I am hoping to see my brother tonite.. and if I don't get going I won't be able to do that.