My therapist today told me "STOP", you are exhibiting stalker like behaviours. You don't want CG, but you can't stop emailing his gf.. (ex) and saying things to him. I know its not right,and I love him, but I still want to kill him.
Talked to CJR last nite, most the nite, went back to sleep after taking the kids to school, and ended up changing my alarm or something and sleeping late and missing my class.
Also spoke with E today, and also MA, who is 22 and I think he wants to date me, no I know he wants to date me.
Anyway... life goes on. I just want friends. I'm tired of how i get in relationships.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
If
I ever have time I'll finish my previous post.
I'm tired, no sleep, no life, noone that really wants to talk to me anymore. I hate that part. I hate not having attention. I know its not right or appropriate.. and i should be ok with being alone, but I'm not... I want someone to share things with.
School is hectic & I feel a bit depressed, although I like to stay busy.
I just want someone to hold me.. then drive me home right now..
Any volunteers????
I'm tired, no sleep, no life, noone that really wants to talk to me anymore. I hate that part. I hate not having attention. I know its not right or appropriate.. and i should be ok with being alone, but I'm not... I want someone to share things with.
School is hectic & I feel a bit depressed, although I like to stay busy.
I just want someone to hold me.. then drive me home right now..
Any volunteers????
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Anger & Manic(ness)
Dunno how that's spelled but it looks shitty regardless. I wanted to start this so I don't forget what I want to write about.
1. CG
2. School
3. Men
4. Life
5. Sex
(to be continued)
1. CG
2. School
3. Men
4. Life
5. Sex
(to be continued)
Thursday, September 22, 2005
I feel crazy...
I'm starting school on Monday. I went to withdraw but ended up getting what I wanted, more classes, and nice people to help me. I didn't get anything I wanted done today. Well that's a lie, I did laundry but asked Francis to hang it out. I hope he did. I have like 3 or 4 more loads to do this weekend. I won't have time after this to do it. BLAH. I'm glad I'm staying home, but I do enjoy being in DW's arms. I've conceited it won't amount to anything, and I feel bad, because I feel like I led him on. He is really sweet, just... I think that he's not confident in the fact that he is a good catch.
I talked to ELJH, last nite. I hadn't talked (chatted) with him since Christmas. He called me and we talked, or I did most the talking rather, but he listend to me ramble. He was supposed to call me today, in the daytime, but he didn't, but hopefully he will contact me. I got to see him on webcam, he's adorable. Last time I talked to him, he was weird about meeting people on the net, and now he seems open to the idea. It would be nice to at least see him.
Haven't heard from CG... but that is no loss. I apoligized to him for flipping out.
I'll be getting student loans which will help with my financial situation, I just hope it doesn't affect my bankruptcy. I'm getting sick of people telling me I'll lose my car, because all the laws I've seen, say I won't... as long as I make the payments. I have made a list of people I owe, I think I have about 30 people on that list so far.
I also got my allergy shot today. First time in weeks. I got my classes together. I just did my student loan papers. I went thru some paperwork on who I owe. And I called HartLeave to start the paperwork for my surgery. Now I'm here eating my dinner, and chilling, since its so quiet here. I hope it stays that way for the next few months (yeah right) so I can study while I'm here.
Both scared and anxious about my surgery. I hope all goes well. I can't wait to get all the bad stuff behind me and move on with my life.
School will help in the fact that I'll be getting my education and yet I will be able to stay away from the men in my life that aren't good for me.
I need to take more time for me... and quit worrying about stupid men.
I talked to ELJH, last nite. I hadn't talked (chatted) with him since Christmas. He called me and we talked, or I did most the talking rather, but he listend to me ramble. He was supposed to call me today, in the daytime, but he didn't, but hopefully he will contact me. I got to see him on webcam, he's adorable. Last time I talked to him, he was weird about meeting people on the net, and now he seems open to the idea. It would be nice to at least see him.
Haven't heard from CG... but that is no loss. I apoligized to him for flipping out.
I'll be getting student loans which will help with my financial situation, I just hope it doesn't affect my bankruptcy. I'm getting sick of people telling me I'll lose my car, because all the laws I've seen, say I won't... as long as I make the payments. I have made a list of people I owe, I think I have about 30 people on that list so far.
I also got my allergy shot today. First time in weeks. I got my classes together. I just did my student loan papers. I went thru some paperwork on who I owe. And I called HartLeave to start the paperwork for my surgery. Now I'm here eating my dinner, and chilling, since its so quiet here. I hope it stays that way for the next few months (yeah right) so I can study while I'm here.
Both scared and anxious about my surgery. I hope all goes well. I can't wait to get all the bad stuff behind me and move on with my life.
School will help in the fact that I'll be getting my education and yet I will be able to stay away from the men in my life that aren't good for me.
I need to take more time for me... and quit worrying about stupid men.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Blah Men
I have too many men I write about, I can't even keep the initials I use for each straight. So if you get confused, don't worry.. so do I.
I spoke with CG today. I ended up flipping out on him. He finally admited to me... he slept with that girl Angela. He fucked her, says he used a condom, but whatever. He says.. all kinds of other stupid shit. I hate that his life is so sucky, but he apparently didn't really love me. Probably a few days after he fucked me, when I went over there when I was sick, he fucked her. What a dick. Says he's not ready for a relationship, and she knows that. But she posts on his myspace... and says.. " I love you forever, " and "I love you,boo, I hope we are together forever." he says he met her after he stopped talking to me, so.. whose the liar and whose the pyscho. He's the liar.. she's the pyscho... check this out..
The older I get, the more I try to keep valid documention. I can tell you almost every time I had sex with him, or anyone else in the last 2 years or so.
I can't tell you exactly when I started talking with him, because that is at my computer at home, but I will add it when I can find the date.
Saturday,
May 7, 2005 - we met, had been chatting for a few weeks (3 approximately I think)He had already told me he loved me, and I was starting to fall for him. I stayed with him at the hotel, and we made love. Thankfully things in regards to sex got better from there.
Thursday,
May 13, 2005 - I went down to Philly, picked up CG & and he came up and stayed the nite with me.
moving forward...
Monday,
May 30, 2005 - CG broke up with me. I suggested it, because I was confused about what he wanted, and he seemed to be secretive. He agreed, because he was planning to see his ex gf on that Wednesday, and I guess since he wouldn't officially be cheating.. he'd feel better about it. All because he told her, that they could "work on things" with their relationship. All because he couldn't be truthful with me.
Wednesday,
June 1, 2005 - He sees her, she's his gf, and they are "working on things"
Tuesday,
June 7, 2005 - I get my car tires, CG has been wanting me to come down since the weekend. I finally am able to since I got my new tires & I head down after work. He talks with me, and we make it official, and he says he's confused, and etc.. etc.. then I find out, about Cristina.. which I really didn't know about till just then. then we break up the next day.
This continues on, we see each other once or twice a week, for the next few weeks. Always have sex on each occurance. In the meantime I start dating others, since technically I am single. Only all I think about is CG.
Sunday,
June 19, 2005 - CG tells me he does want me, and he does know what he wants, and it is me, and that he just can't have me.
Tuesday,
June 21, 2005 - This nite after work I see CG... one of few times, we didn't have sex. I can't even recall what was the reason.
Saturday,
June 25th, 2005 - Got in a fight with CG, didn't talk to him for two days. This is really the first time, we didn't touch base for a while. I broke down on that next Monday (27th) and called him.
Tuesday,
June 28th, 2005 - Got upset with CG on the phone and hung up on him.
Friday,
July 1st, 2005 - Was in his arms again.
Saturday,
July 2nd, 2005 - He was supposed to go see her early in the morning with her mother, it was canceled. I headed home to take my daughter up to visit my family. I wanted to get back soon, so see him.
Sunday,
July 3rd, 2005 - I was sick as hell, because I went out drinking with my mom last nite and got bombed. All I thought about was my time off work, and wanting to be in his arms. I head home, sick as hell, couldn't eat or drink anything, and tired as hell. About an hour into the trip I pull over and go to sleep. I had called CG last nite and professed my love to him and asked him to marry me. I called him half way home, and he didn't really want to talk to me, and was upset. Told me that I shouldn't come down, it wasn't a good idea. I told him, I couldn't be alone, and pretty much didn't tel him I was coming down anyway. I showed up, we talked, made love, he was mad at me, but I agreed with him, because that is what he wanted, that we wouldn't talk on the phone or see each other again, but only email if we needed to.
Monday,
July 4th, 2005 - He got a call last nite, and he's going to see her. He let me sleep in cuz I was feeling so sick. I was nosy and snooped around, and then left.
Wednesday,
July 6th, 2005 - So much for the agreement, I am in his arms again.
Fast forward.... a few months.... (fill you in with this later)
Sunday,
August 28th, 2005 - I write in my notebook, how I'm confused about his actions. Friday, I had a big fight with him, and was abusive. I am not that type of person. I met someone the next day, and stayed the nite with him. I didn't sleep with him, but I did tell CG about it. He's acting needy, and I can't figure out why. He's practically begging me to come down, and I refuse because of my appointments and training, and that Darian is coming home. I tell him I'll come later in the week.
Wednesday,
August 31st, 2005 - I feel sick, tonsils are swallow, and sick. I throw up when my car is at the garage. I call CG. I was supposed to see him. I tell him I am supposed to go to work, but I can't. I want to be at his house resting. He has to work. He allows me to come down, but tells me his ex-wife is there, and he wants to make sure there are no conflicts. I tell him all i want to do is sleep till he gets there. I rest, talk to him a few times, from his job. I throw up some more, eat a bit of soup, and throw up some more. Then I recover a bit and ask him if he wants picked up from work. He asked if I a fever and I said i wasn't sure, he told me to rest. I then got all hyper and picked up his bedroom a bit, then I snooped some more. I read a letter from Cristina, where she talked about their trip to Puerto Rico.. and some other things.. on how she couldn't wait to be out in May. He came home, took care of me, held me, and comforted me. I was feeling a bit better, we made love.. and cuddled and went to sleep. At some point we were talking and he asked me details of what happened with the guy I met over the weekend. He asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. I hesitated but said yes. He told me not to be embarassed and it was ok. He finished to be loving and didn't seem to mind.
He tells me he is going out of town for the holiday weekend, and leaving on Sunday to see an old college friend. Not sure when we talk next, but it was either Wednesday or Thursday nite. After that, he disappears. Doesn't answer my calls, or my emails, at some point a woman answers his phone. I think it was Sunday or Monday nite ( the 4th or 5th) he leaves me an offline message saying "I'm sorry I'm no longer available, I found a wonderful woman and I'm persueing a serious long-term relationship with her."
On myspace.com his profile is updated to show "in a relationship"
I call him on
Thursday,
September 15th, 2005 - I tell him I'm pregnant, he can't believe it but barely asks me a question. He is nice, but tells me I'd of never let go. I know as well I wouldn't have. So I asked, do you have a gf, or did you just tell me that. He told me that he told me that so I would let go. HE LIED.
I check hotornot- and see some comments on his page. Sept 7th- " I LOVE YOU FOREVER" & Sept 13th (i think)" I LOVE YOU, BOO! I HOPE WE STAY TOGETHER FOREVER"
WTF!!!
I get pissed, for him at lying to me again. And I write her a nice email. So nice he calls me Saturday evening screaming at me.
Today,
Wednesday,
September 21st, 2005
I talk to CG, nicely at first, then I get angry. He admits he has sex with her. (think I said this in an earlier post) he denies the small period of time between me and her, and he knows she is in love with him, but says the same thing he does to me.. " i make no promises.. blah blah blah"
What a dick. I've wasted too much time typing this.. and i'm supposed to be working.
I spoke with CG today. I ended up flipping out on him. He finally admited to me... he slept with that girl Angela. He fucked her, says he used a condom, but whatever. He says.. all kinds of other stupid shit. I hate that his life is so sucky, but he apparently didn't really love me. Probably a few days after he fucked me, when I went over there when I was sick, he fucked her. What a dick. Says he's not ready for a relationship, and she knows that. But she posts on his myspace... and says.. " I love you forever, " and "I love you,boo, I hope we are together forever." he says he met her after he stopped talking to me, so.. whose the liar and whose the pyscho. He's the liar.. she's the pyscho... check this out..
The older I get, the more I try to keep valid documention. I can tell you almost every time I had sex with him, or anyone else in the last 2 years or so.
I can't tell you exactly when I started talking with him, because that is at my computer at home, but I will add it when I can find the date.
Saturday,
May 7, 2005 - we met, had been chatting for a few weeks (3 approximately I think)He had already told me he loved me, and I was starting to fall for him. I stayed with him at the hotel, and we made love. Thankfully things in regards to sex got better from there.
Thursday,
May 13, 2005 - I went down to Philly, picked up CG & and he came up and stayed the nite with me.
moving forward...
Monday,
May 30, 2005 - CG broke up with me. I suggested it, because I was confused about what he wanted, and he seemed to be secretive. He agreed, because he was planning to see his ex gf on that Wednesday, and I guess since he wouldn't officially be cheating.. he'd feel better about it. All because he told her, that they could "work on things" with their relationship. All because he couldn't be truthful with me.
Wednesday,
June 1, 2005 - He sees her, she's his gf, and they are "working on things"
Tuesday,
June 7, 2005 - I get my car tires, CG has been wanting me to come down since the weekend. I finally am able to since I got my new tires & I head down after work. He talks with me, and we make it official, and he says he's confused, and etc.. etc.. then I find out, about Cristina.. which I really didn't know about till just then. then we break up the next day.
This continues on, we see each other once or twice a week, for the next few weeks. Always have sex on each occurance. In the meantime I start dating others, since technically I am single. Only all I think about is CG.
Sunday,
June 19, 2005 - CG tells me he does want me, and he does know what he wants, and it is me, and that he just can't have me.
Tuesday,
June 21, 2005 - This nite after work I see CG... one of few times, we didn't have sex. I can't even recall what was the reason.
Saturday,
June 25th, 2005 - Got in a fight with CG, didn't talk to him for two days. This is really the first time, we didn't touch base for a while. I broke down on that next Monday (27th) and called him.
Tuesday,
June 28th, 2005 - Got upset with CG on the phone and hung up on him.
Friday,
July 1st, 2005 - Was in his arms again.
Saturday,
July 2nd, 2005 - He was supposed to go see her early in the morning with her mother, it was canceled. I headed home to take my daughter up to visit my family. I wanted to get back soon, so see him.
Sunday,
July 3rd, 2005 - I was sick as hell, because I went out drinking with my mom last nite and got bombed. All I thought about was my time off work, and wanting to be in his arms. I head home, sick as hell, couldn't eat or drink anything, and tired as hell. About an hour into the trip I pull over and go to sleep. I had called CG last nite and professed my love to him and asked him to marry me. I called him half way home, and he didn't really want to talk to me, and was upset. Told me that I shouldn't come down, it wasn't a good idea. I told him, I couldn't be alone, and pretty much didn't tel him I was coming down anyway. I showed up, we talked, made love, he was mad at me, but I agreed with him, because that is what he wanted, that we wouldn't talk on the phone or see each other again, but only email if we needed to.
Monday,
July 4th, 2005 - He got a call last nite, and he's going to see her. He let me sleep in cuz I was feeling so sick. I was nosy and snooped around, and then left.
Wednesday,
July 6th, 2005 - So much for the agreement, I am in his arms again.
Fast forward.... a few months.... (fill you in with this later)
Sunday,
August 28th, 2005 - I write in my notebook, how I'm confused about his actions. Friday, I had a big fight with him, and was abusive. I am not that type of person. I met someone the next day, and stayed the nite with him. I didn't sleep with him, but I did tell CG about it. He's acting needy, and I can't figure out why. He's practically begging me to come down, and I refuse because of my appointments and training, and that Darian is coming home. I tell him I'll come later in the week.
Wednesday,
August 31st, 2005 - I feel sick, tonsils are swallow, and sick. I throw up when my car is at the garage. I call CG. I was supposed to see him. I tell him I am supposed to go to work, but I can't. I want to be at his house resting. He has to work. He allows me to come down, but tells me his ex-wife is there, and he wants to make sure there are no conflicts. I tell him all i want to do is sleep till he gets there. I rest, talk to him a few times, from his job. I throw up some more, eat a bit of soup, and throw up some more. Then I recover a bit and ask him if he wants picked up from work. He asked if I a fever and I said i wasn't sure, he told me to rest. I then got all hyper and picked up his bedroom a bit, then I snooped some more. I read a letter from Cristina, where she talked about their trip to Puerto Rico.. and some other things.. on how she couldn't wait to be out in May. He came home, took care of me, held me, and comforted me. I was feeling a bit better, we made love.. and cuddled and went to sleep. At some point we were talking and he asked me details of what happened with the guy I met over the weekend. He asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. I hesitated but said yes. He told me not to be embarassed and it was ok. He finished to be loving and didn't seem to mind.
He tells me he is going out of town for the holiday weekend, and leaving on Sunday to see an old college friend. Not sure when we talk next, but it was either Wednesday or Thursday nite. After that, he disappears. Doesn't answer my calls, or my emails, at some point a woman answers his phone. I think it was Sunday or Monday nite ( the 4th or 5th) he leaves me an offline message saying "I'm sorry I'm no longer available, I found a wonderful woman and I'm persueing a serious long-term relationship with her."
On myspace.com his profile is updated to show "in a relationship"
I call him on
Thursday,
September 15th, 2005 - I tell him I'm pregnant, he can't believe it but barely asks me a question. He is nice, but tells me I'd of never let go. I know as well I wouldn't have. So I asked, do you have a gf, or did you just tell me that. He told me that he told me that so I would let go. HE LIED.
I check hotornot- and see some comments on his page. Sept 7th- " I LOVE YOU FOREVER" & Sept 13th (i think)" I LOVE YOU, BOO! I HOPE WE STAY TOGETHER FOREVER"
WTF!!!
I get pissed, for him at lying to me again. And I write her a nice email. So nice he calls me Saturday evening screaming at me.
Today,
Wednesday,
September 21st, 2005
I talk to CG, nicely at first, then I get angry. He admits he has sex with her. (think I said this in an earlier post) he denies the small period of time between me and her, and he knows she is in love with him, but says the same thing he does to me.. " i make no promises.. blah blah blah"
What a dick. I've wasted too much time typing this.. and i'm supposed to be working.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Slut
Things are so messed up. I got my heart broke, AGAIN. Then I become slutty, again. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.
I have a theory... I look at the BPD diagnoses, and knowing I was never like that when I was diagnosed, although I do have sex too early in the relationship, every man at that point I had been with, I was in love with, and dated.
Shortly after that I became slutty. Then settled down, got my heart broke, and the cycle started over again. I think this is the third cycle. I'm letting myself become what someone said I am. I let myself become my diagnosis. Its sad, but I believe it to be true.
I slept with MB, then started dating DW, and slept with him as well. I then, was told by DW, that if I was horny.. i should go sleep with my bf across town, so he could satisfy me, since he couldnt' be there. It hurt, I cried, and MB called me, and I went over to be with him. No intentions to have sex, although I knew he'd want me, and one thing led to another. DW forgave me, and we worked things out. Sunday nite, he made me promise I would not go over to MB's house alone. I promised. I broke my promise, and MB called me.. and I told him, I wasn't going to sleep with him, and he said he wouldn't try to get me to do that, he didn't want to damage my relationship. He asked me to bring him some food though, so I did. I told DW about it, and now he broke up with me. So I can decide what I want to do. After I see MB again to get my money back, and he said, " we will see what happens and go from there." I don't think honestly he will take me back. And its something that I don't know that I deserve... his forgiveness. But, in the back of my head, I keep thinking, he's not the one I want to build my future with.
I want more.
He's a great guy though, sweet and kind. He holds me, has cooked for me, and adores my daughter. I love him. I don't want to be alone.
And that is my problem. I want to be with whoever wants to be with me, as long as they meet some of my standards. I look past alot of their flaws, and accept them as they are, faults and all. That apparently makes me a bad person. I make bad decisions, and it sucks.. because they are mostly about sex. I love sex.
And as T. reminded me not too long ago, I confuse sex with love, and it is true. I truely do.
I keep telling myself to be more cautious. Someone close to me, a good friend, someone I love, whose life I care about as much as my own. She was recently diagnosed with HIV, although she still has to go to the CDC, and get all that verified, I am hoping and praying for her sake, that its some sort of mistake. If she really does have it. I don't believe there is a god. If there is, and I'm mistaken, he's fucking sick as hell. I feel like there is no hope in the world. Good things always seem to happen for bad people, and good people just get fucked over.
All I wish, is for happiness for everyone.
I have a theory... I look at the BPD diagnoses, and knowing I was never like that when I was diagnosed, although I do have sex too early in the relationship, every man at that point I had been with, I was in love with, and dated.
Shortly after that I became slutty. Then settled down, got my heart broke, and the cycle started over again. I think this is the third cycle. I'm letting myself become what someone said I am. I let myself become my diagnosis. Its sad, but I believe it to be true.
I slept with MB, then started dating DW, and slept with him as well. I then, was told by DW, that if I was horny.. i should go sleep with my bf across town, so he could satisfy me, since he couldnt' be there. It hurt, I cried, and MB called me, and I went over to be with him. No intentions to have sex, although I knew he'd want me, and one thing led to another. DW forgave me, and we worked things out. Sunday nite, he made me promise I would not go over to MB's house alone. I promised. I broke my promise, and MB called me.. and I told him, I wasn't going to sleep with him, and he said he wouldn't try to get me to do that, he didn't want to damage my relationship. He asked me to bring him some food though, so I did. I told DW about it, and now he broke up with me. So I can decide what I want to do. After I see MB again to get my money back, and he said, " we will see what happens and go from there." I don't think honestly he will take me back. And its something that I don't know that I deserve... his forgiveness. But, in the back of my head, I keep thinking, he's not the one I want to build my future with.
I want more.
He's a great guy though, sweet and kind. He holds me, has cooked for me, and adores my daughter. I love him. I don't want to be alone.
And that is my problem. I want to be with whoever wants to be with me, as long as they meet some of my standards. I look past alot of their flaws, and accept them as they are, faults and all. That apparently makes me a bad person. I make bad decisions, and it sucks.. because they are mostly about sex. I love sex.
And as T. reminded me not too long ago, I confuse sex with love, and it is true. I truely do.
I keep telling myself to be more cautious. Someone close to me, a good friend, someone I love, whose life I care about as much as my own. She was recently diagnosed with HIV, although she still has to go to the CDC, and get all that verified, I am hoping and praying for her sake, that its some sort of mistake. If she really does have it. I don't believe there is a god. If there is, and I'm mistaken, he's fucking sick as hell. I feel like there is no hope in the world. Good things always seem to happen for bad people, and good people just get fucked over.
All I wish, is for happiness for everyone.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Life Sucks...
Then you die,hopefully, or get hit by a truck.
Not really, but I thought that sounded funny.
My life is chaotic. I told CG that I was pregnant last nite. DW and I got into another fight. He hung up on me, and wouldn't talk. I went for a drive, went shopping, and talked to CG for a few minutes. Got hit on at the stoplight on my drive, from some drunk guy, asking me to hang out with him. MB ( I think that's what I've been calling him)... called me back last nite, I wanted to talk to him about STD's and stuff. He professed he wanted to see me, but he's not lookin for a LTR, and is afraid he will become attached. He was sweet though and wanting to see me. I'm currently dating DW though, so that complicates things. Can't believe CG, actually called me back. He told me he didn't really have a gf, but that he did that because I would never let go. He told me he loved me and did care, but his life was too much of a mess and he was losing his job soon. I found out on his profile on myspace that he most likely lied to me about the gf, because there is a girl named Angela on there that said, " I love you, " & then... "I hope you and I are together forever, I love you boo" or something to that effect. He's a creep, I'm hating him and loving him at the same time, and it kills me. I've moved on, and I don't want him in any part of my life at this time.
I realized, my reasoning behind wanting to be with him, is my wanting to help him. We could help each other. I could help his financially, and with his children, and he could help me with my mental health issues, and my fiancial problems because we could share expenses. Things are easier when you have two people working towards the same goal. I want to be married. I want a husband. I want a family. I just need to realize it takes time, and the crackers I meet currently are not suitable husbands. I need a strong man to take care of me, but one that is not afraid to be taken care of himself.
And yet, T., I've still not heard from him. I'm sure now he's busy preparing with the band, they have a gig on Sunday. Wish I could go, but alas, I can't. I wish he would IM me or email me, he drives me nuts. I wonder about him alot. I could really use a friend right now.
Mostly cuz I need someone to talk to. My bf isn't much of a talker, and it sucks. I have Lisa, and she helps greatly, she makes sure I don't feel alone. I hope I help her with the same. My other co habitators are having some health and other problems, and its hard for me to deal with. I'm having financial problems, but finally getting my bankruptcy started. I have two traffic tickets, I'm paying on, and I'd like to slap myself in the head for. I can't pay my rent or afford the place I live. I have so much paperwork to do this weekend.
Well back to work.. its fun today... our systems are down...
WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!
Not really, but I thought that sounded funny.
My life is chaotic. I told CG that I was pregnant last nite. DW and I got into another fight. He hung up on me, and wouldn't talk. I went for a drive, went shopping, and talked to CG for a few minutes. Got hit on at the stoplight on my drive, from some drunk guy, asking me to hang out with him. MB ( I think that's what I've been calling him)... called me back last nite, I wanted to talk to him about STD's and stuff. He professed he wanted to see me, but he's not lookin for a LTR, and is afraid he will become attached. He was sweet though and wanting to see me. I'm currently dating DW though, so that complicates things. Can't believe CG, actually called me back. He told me he didn't really have a gf, but that he did that because I would never let go. He told me he loved me and did care, but his life was too much of a mess and he was losing his job soon. I found out on his profile on myspace that he most likely lied to me about the gf, because there is a girl named Angela on there that said, " I love you, " & then... "I hope you and I are together forever, I love you boo" or something to that effect. He's a creep, I'm hating him and loving him at the same time, and it kills me. I've moved on, and I don't want him in any part of my life at this time.
I realized, my reasoning behind wanting to be with him, is my wanting to help him. We could help each other. I could help his financially, and with his children, and he could help me with my mental health issues, and my fiancial problems because we could share expenses. Things are easier when you have two people working towards the same goal. I want to be married. I want a husband. I want a family. I just need to realize it takes time, and the crackers I meet currently are not suitable husbands. I need a strong man to take care of me, but one that is not afraid to be taken care of himself.
And yet, T., I've still not heard from him. I'm sure now he's busy preparing with the band, they have a gig on Sunday. Wish I could go, but alas, I can't. I wish he would IM me or email me, he drives me nuts. I wonder about him alot. I could really use a friend right now.
Mostly cuz I need someone to talk to. My bf isn't much of a talker, and it sucks. I have Lisa, and she helps greatly, she makes sure I don't feel alone. I hope I help her with the same. My other co habitators are having some health and other problems, and its hard for me to deal with. I'm having financial problems, but finally getting my bankruptcy started. I have two traffic tickets, I'm paying on, and I'd like to slap myself in the head for. I can't pay my rent or afford the place I live. I have so much paperwork to do this weekend.
Well back to work.. its fun today... our systems are down...
WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!
Monday, September 12, 2005
DW....
I spent time with him last weekend, well on the holiday last Monday. Then Saturday I headed up to see him, and Darian and I spent the nite up there.. in Wilkes Barre or Kingston... whatever it is called.
I started falling for him before I even went up there this weekend. He's been so sweet and supportive... and caring about all I've been going thru. I haven't let him in on alot of it... but.. I did tell him about the stupid men in my life, and he said he wanted to be with me.... but he wasn't going to interfere. He knew I was in love with CG, and didn't want to intrude... I guess.
Saturday night... and in a way I knew this would happen, we made love. I say we made love because I have loving feelings for him. I know he does for me. Sometime last week, he said.. "Luv You" online, but I wasn't sure how to take it. Most of the weekend, we didn't talk about anything important.. just cuddled, and watched movies.. and played with Darian. So when I got home, I had some things I really wanted to talk about, although... I wasn't sure... how to say them. So we talked online, I got it all out... and I asked him if he wanted to be with me.. and he was like.. of course... but.. I was confused because he didn't say anything over the weekend. I kept asking him if he wanted to see me next weekend, and he's like... "you have an open invitation..." I was like... "thats not what I want to hear..., my question had a yes or no answer.." so like a smart ass.. he says.... "yes or no", I giggle and replied " I want the answer to my question to be yes.. " so he answers... "yes" I made me laugh.
I told him how I felt last nite, and he was like.. what about that other guy. I told him again, as I had before... that I can't be with that guy, because its not good for me. It's not healthy, and all he's done is hurt me. I don't deserve that. So I pretty much asked him, was he going to ask me to be his girfriend.. ( Yes I feel like I'm in 7th grade again... lol) And he was like..." I want to be with you, but... I have a problem.... all my relationships, since my daughter's mother... have never lasted more than 3 months." This seemed to be a big concern with him... (although about a month ago, he said.. we'd be married in a year... ) I told him I wasn't concerned about that.. and that if we didn't give it a try, we wouldn't know. He agreed, and as of yesterday, we are officially dating. Going up there next weekend as well.
The weekend after, T. said he wanted to come down.. tenitively.. anyway... so I'll keep my schedule open... I just am not sure how DW feels about this.. and before... I was a bit worried... about how I would feel when I saw T. again. I know I love him, but our time has passed, and nothing has really changed in our lives, as far as priorities... and he's not made any attempt to let me know he wants me... So I leave it like that. I don't know that I'd ever want to get back with him, under any of the current circumstances.... although I do, and always will love him... and would love to just see him outside my door.. on my stairs... and have him wrap his arms around me.. and wrap my arms around him. That was one of my favourite things. I miss him, as my friend, the guy that cheered me up, and made me laugh, when I was soooo soooo suicidal and depressed. He helped me thru alot. I just hope he realizes it. The only thing that has changed in my life, ( and i'm not sure if anythings changed in T's life- he's not too talkative about it), is that I'm healthier, mentally.. and a bit physically.... and I'm stronger than ever. I'm growing, and learning new things about myself, and my life and what I want...and need.
I enjoy DW, because when I'm there with him, or talking to him on the phone, although he is very mellow, and not as talkative as me... I'm calm, relaxed, and I forget about my problems.... I can't think of one person.. that really has that effect on me, without trying to really relax me. I'm always stressed out, and upset about something. But for this weekend... I played with Darian... had him hold me in his arms.. and we watched movies... and enjoyed Darian and all her funniness. We kissed, we cuddled, and Sunday I fell asleep in his arms, watching my favourite movie. He made us breakfast Sunday morning... sausages, and pancakes.... It rather impressed me.. I wasn't expecting it. Darian said the pancakes tasted funny, I thought they were good. I told him I appreciated it.. and he was like..."it was nothing..... you would of done the same.." which is true, but that is me. I'm not used to someone who would recipricate... for me.
I started falling for him before I even went up there this weekend. He's been so sweet and supportive... and caring about all I've been going thru. I haven't let him in on alot of it... but.. I did tell him about the stupid men in my life, and he said he wanted to be with me.... but he wasn't going to interfere. He knew I was in love with CG, and didn't want to intrude... I guess.
Saturday night... and in a way I knew this would happen, we made love. I say we made love because I have loving feelings for him. I know he does for me. Sometime last week, he said.. "Luv You" online, but I wasn't sure how to take it. Most of the weekend, we didn't talk about anything important.. just cuddled, and watched movies.. and played with Darian. So when I got home, I had some things I really wanted to talk about, although... I wasn't sure... how to say them. So we talked online, I got it all out... and I asked him if he wanted to be with me.. and he was like.. of course... but.. I was confused because he didn't say anything over the weekend. I kept asking him if he wanted to see me next weekend, and he's like... "you have an open invitation..." I was like... "thats not what I want to hear..., my question had a yes or no answer.." so like a smart ass.. he says.... "yes or no", I giggle and replied " I want the answer to my question to be yes.. " so he answers... "yes" I made me laugh.
I told him how I felt last nite, and he was like.. what about that other guy. I told him again, as I had before... that I can't be with that guy, because its not good for me. It's not healthy, and all he's done is hurt me. I don't deserve that. So I pretty much asked him, was he going to ask me to be his girfriend.. ( Yes I feel like I'm in 7th grade again... lol) And he was like..." I want to be with you, but... I have a problem.... all my relationships, since my daughter's mother... have never lasted more than 3 months." This seemed to be a big concern with him... (although about a month ago, he said.. we'd be married in a year... ) I told him I wasn't concerned about that.. and that if we didn't give it a try, we wouldn't know. He agreed, and as of yesterday, we are officially dating. Going up there next weekend as well.
The weekend after, T. said he wanted to come down.. tenitively.. anyway... so I'll keep my schedule open... I just am not sure how DW feels about this.. and before... I was a bit worried... about how I would feel when I saw T. again. I know I love him, but our time has passed, and nothing has really changed in our lives, as far as priorities... and he's not made any attempt to let me know he wants me... So I leave it like that. I don't know that I'd ever want to get back with him, under any of the current circumstances.... although I do, and always will love him... and would love to just see him outside my door.. on my stairs... and have him wrap his arms around me.. and wrap my arms around him. That was one of my favourite things. I miss him, as my friend, the guy that cheered me up, and made me laugh, when I was soooo soooo suicidal and depressed. He helped me thru alot. I just hope he realizes it. The only thing that has changed in my life, ( and i'm not sure if anythings changed in T's life- he's not too talkative about it), is that I'm healthier, mentally.. and a bit physically.... and I'm stronger than ever. I'm growing, and learning new things about myself, and my life and what I want...and need.
I enjoy DW, because when I'm there with him, or talking to him on the phone, although he is very mellow, and not as talkative as me... I'm calm, relaxed, and I forget about my problems.... I can't think of one person.. that really has that effect on me, without trying to really relax me. I'm always stressed out, and upset about something. But for this weekend... I played with Darian... had him hold me in his arms.. and we watched movies... and enjoyed Darian and all her funniness. We kissed, we cuddled, and Sunday I fell asleep in his arms, watching my favourite movie. He made us breakfast Sunday morning... sausages, and pancakes.... It rather impressed me.. I wasn't expecting it. Darian said the pancakes tasted funny, I thought they were good. I told him I appreciated it.. and he was like..."it was nothing..... you would of done the same.." which is true, but that is me. I'm not used to someone who would recipricate... for me.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Anxious
About T. coming over. I stayed up too late last nite, and worked my ass off then, and this morning, cleaning up my room. It was a pig sty. Still a unorganized mess, but at least there is floor space, a empty garbage can, and a clean litter box. (for my psycho cat- Phoenix)
She is awesome by the way, but really needy and crazy. She jumps up on me all the time, tries to help me type on the computer, and thinks she should follow me anywhere, and sleep on my head sometimes.
I'm still upset about CG, but starting to deal with reality. I knew he was bad for me in the beginning, and yet I continued to waste my money, going down there to see me. Not that he never did anything for me... but... there was inequality. I love him, I really do... but I knew from the beginning or near the beginning, we wouldn't be together... ( his choice).
I feel like I never have a choice in the relationship. Its always what they want.. and my needs are disregarded. That is one reason CG intriged me so. In bed, it was all about what I wanted... at least 99% of the time... It was .. "what do you want.. "- "what do you need? " & he tried all the kinky stuff I wanted him to do, things most guys would think I was fucking weird about. He loved my pussy, what can I say. Maybe that is all he really loved.
I guess the biggest reason I'm upset is because I can't determine whether he is just lying to me, because he thinks its best for me... to get over him, and he needed to step out of my life.. or if he really did start seeing someone seriously. If he did.. it makes me hate him... because he told me part of why we couldn't be together is because he needed to get his shit straight.. and he couldn't give the time a serious relationship deserved. But then I keep wondering.. did he end up back with one of his ex's.... because he hid that from me... He hid the fact that she came over.. from me.. even though supposedly nothing went on.. They went to a meeting.. I'm assuming.. AA or NA.. and then... she went to get her nails done.. then supposedly went home.. Somewhere in there. he took pictures of her..
That pisses me off too.. when my sister and I were with him, he took tons of pictures.. and I want them. And I probably will never get them.. because I don't think he will be talking to me anytime soon. I hate men.. sometimes...
But I still will always love him. He has a piece of my heart, despite the fact that he shredded it up, and threw it away... its still not back to me... hopefully one day I can give another piece of my heart.
My aunt was bitching at me.. saying .. " oh. trying to impress T. by cleaning your room.. " I was like "no"... she's like why do you do this.. he was mean to you, and tormented you.. ( or something similar i dont remember what words she used).. and I was like.. "no he didn't" and she said... " why did you sit in your room crying all the time?" ----- DUH.. because I was hurt. He only purposely hurt me once, and I would like to believe that was because he was hurting... because it is something I would do, and have done.. when someone hurt me....
Either way.. I'm working on me again, and hopefully I can stop any stupid men from getting in my way....
Blah...
She is awesome by the way, but really needy and crazy. She jumps up on me all the time, tries to help me type on the computer, and thinks she should follow me anywhere, and sleep on my head sometimes.
I'm still upset about CG, but starting to deal with reality. I knew he was bad for me in the beginning, and yet I continued to waste my money, going down there to see me. Not that he never did anything for me... but... there was inequality. I love him, I really do... but I knew from the beginning or near the beginning, we wouldn't be together... ( his choice).
I feel like I never have a choice in the relationship. Its always what they want.. and my needs are disregarded. That is one reason CG intriged me so. In bed, it was all about what I wanted... at least 99% of the time... It was .. "what do you want.. "- "what do you need? " & he tried all the kinky stuff I wanted him to do, things most guys would think I was fucking weird about. He loved my pussy, what can I say. Maybe that is all he really loved.
I guess the biggest reason I'm upset is because I can't determine whether he is just lying to me, because he thinks its best for me... to get over him, and he needed to step out of my life.. or if he really did start seeing someone seriously. If he did.. it makes me hate him... because he told me part of why we couldn't be together is because he needed to get his shit straight.. and he couldn't give the time a serious relationship deserved. But then I keep wondering.. did he end up back with one of his ex's.... because he hid that from me... He hid the fact that she came over.. from me.. even though supposedly nothing went on.. They went to a meeting.. I'm assuming.. AA or NA.. and then... she went to get her nails done.. then supposedly went home.. Somewhere in there. he took pictures of her..
That pisses me off too.. when my sister and I were with him, he took tons of pictures.. and I want them. And I probably will never get them.. because I don't think he will be talking to me anytime soon. I hate men.. sometimes...
But I still will always love him. He has a piece of my heart, despite the fact that he shredded it up, and threw it away... its still not back to me... hopefully one day I can give another piece of my heart.
My aunt was bitching at me.. saying .. " oh. trying to impress T. by cleaning your room.. " I was like "no"... she's like why do you do this.. he was mean to you, and tormented you.. ( or something similar i dont remember what words she used).. and I was like.. "no he didn't" and she said... " why did you sit in your room crying all the time?" ----- DUH.. because I was hurt. He only purposely hurt me once, and I would like to believe that was because he was hurting... because it is something I would do, and have done.. when someone hurt me....
Either way.. I'm working on me again, and hopefully I can stop any stupid men from getting in my way....
Blah...
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Stupidity & Confusion
I hate men... or I think I do, or I do at least temporarily...
They confuse me. I always want something more, something no one can give me, not even myself. I feel stupid because of it.
I'm so confused about my actions lately. I'm so confused about CG,and some of the other guys I've been seeing.
I need help. I need someone to talk to. I had a good weekend, despite feeling sick, and being sick, and now its coming to a close, I have to face reality. And it sucks.
They confuse me. I always want something more, something no one can give me, not even myself. I feel stupid because of it.
I'm so confused about my actions lately. I'm so confused about CG,and some of the other guys I've been seeing.
I need help. I need someone to talk to. I had a good weekend, despite feeling sick, and being sick, and now its coming to a close, I have to face reality. And it sucks.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Been missing ya..............
Yep, it's true! =o) It seems weird you haven't called in the past few days. I know I am not around most of the time when you call but still........makes me think of you and wonder how you are doing........I just went to your MySpace and looked around.........and saw T's blog.......and his ongoing saga with, it seems, 959 different Jens! LOL Aside from the fact that I have absolutely nothing in common with the guy, I utterly adore his writing style. Witty, uses big words, very intelligent and intellectual, and, best of all, makes fun of stupid people! =o)
Anyways, I hope you are doing okay with your saga consisting of CG and M........or whatever the fuck you call him on here.............=o) Love you and miss you! TTYS!
Anyways, I hope you are doing okay with your saga consisting of CG and M........or whatever the fuck you call him on here.............=o) Love you and miss you! TTYS!
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