Don't think its Supposed to be like This

I don't think it is. I had therapy today, and I feel worse. I hate myself, and the stupid choices I make, or choose not to make. I hate my neediness, and I felt really suicidal and sat there comtemplating what choices I had left in my life. I'm away from the suicidal notions right now, but still stressed out.

CG, thinks.. I'm dissing him for the new guy... I don't know that I gave him a name or talked about him yet, but lets call him... MB - he called me last nite, wanting to see me, even though I've told him.. I won't have sex with him, but I stayed the night with him Saturday nite, him being almost a complete stranger. I take risks... too many...sometimes, but I realize, its only when I devalue my life. I hate it, and wish most times I was dead, so I figure if someone were to kill me, it would help the world. There would be one less fuckup.. responsible for the death and destruction of earth. Plus I'd be able to give my daughter, money .. she wouldn't have otherwise. I'm worth more dead than alive.

This new guy.. is damn hot.. but I'll shut up, I don't have time to talk about him right now.

I feel like shit, my throat is sore, I think I'm getting a cold or a sinus infection... and scared/excited about getting my tonsils out.. trying to make sure I can live losing 3-4 days pay... but the thing is.. depending on how I'm feeling I can be off 7 more weeks, and still get paid 100% of my salary.. (no bonuses though ... :( )

Well I got to get back to work...

Choices

Something everyone has every day.
I made some bad ones.

I flipped out on CG, I screamed and yelled, and in most neighborhoods, it would of caused a scene and the whole neighborhood would be watching, I grabbed his nuts, and told him he was an asshole. I cried, and felt so hopeless, watching what little faith I had in him disappear into a giant hole. I even whipped my keys at him, he kept telling me he was done with this, he even walked away from me, but did everything but walk into the house.

My first mistake, knowing I was upset, and getting a screwdriver anyway. I know better than that, but I've been thinking suicidal and haven't been caring. I've been looking for ways to end my life. This isn't what I want... but it is what I feel. I'm afraid. I never to stay strong. For me, for my daughter, & for the people that love me.

His choice, is that he choses to be alone. That in a way, is why he choses her, he wants to help her, but yet again, he knows she will leave him. (well, imho, when she is done using him...) She's young, and stupid and has an addiction that I'm sure she's not ready to give up. Its totally fucked up.

I realized alot when he made that simple statement to me. Julie, well, I think its like this, I think that I will be alone, because maybe I choose to be alone. The more I thought about it, the more it felt true. The more it made things simpler. Either way, I know I can find better, I just don't know why I don't realize this.

One thing that pisses me off, is that he's so secretive, and he's like.. we aren't dating, but it wouldn't matter even if we were.... he was that way when we were together. Thing is, he's always asking about my dates, and this and that... and I tell him because I am an open person, and he basically gives me love advice..( I asked him about this, and he says, he wants me to find someone to make me happy, and because he wants to make sure I'm going out with the right type of guy) He tells me I need to be strong. I don't get it...does he treat me like this, and be so supportive and encouraging to the women in his life.. that "supposedly" need him. I don't hear him telling them, they shouldn't involve themselves with such losers.. or just be strong, pull yourself together.. etc.. etc.. It is what pisses me off more.

This morning, I couldn't bare it any longer, I had to call him and tell him he's an asshole. I made him ( yes.. i wouldn't leave till he promised me) promise to talk to me tonite, because i was a big mess, and feeling suicidal... and wanted to self injury. He promised to call me... and didn't, so of course I'm upset. It seems I'm the exception to all his "rules". Anyway... I called and told him what I though of him..... ASSHOLE... fuck him and his promises..

I still love him and always will..

I made it thru last nite alone. I tried to call a few people and noone was around. I cut. I'm disappointed in myself, but it makes the suicidal feeling go away.... which helps, and I feel better today, despite.

I am fucking tired though, and currently at work.. have to work in ten minutes.... so for now.. I'm off..

Producer's Accident & Health

I passed my test. I got an 82% - not anywhere near perfect, but it doesn't need to be. All I needed was a 70% to pass. Now hopefully in the next few months, my license will go thru, and I will be able to take Florida calls, and be eligible for a bigger bonus.

Someone on Saturday nite decided to pick up a huge piece of cement from a broken sidewalk, and put it thru my back window of my car. They didn't steal anything. I'm so upset. I still don't know what to do. I have no money for the deductible. My gram won't let me borrow any because I already have borrowed money. My aunt just told me two other white cars got smashed up and broken into within a few block radius of my house. One was this lady we see walking her dog... her son, got his windows smashed, as well as another white car, and both got their stereos' jacked. I didn't... my faceplate was in the house...

Tomorrow I get a rent a car... and luckily only have to put down a 50 dollar deposit which hopefully will still be in my account tomorrow...

I hope I make it thru this.

I miss CG. Last nite... he was so sweet and loving... he helped me thru my rage and anger... I wish we could be together... we love each other so much...

Still...

Upset... and hurting, things are going better, although I feel like blowing my head off lately... seems to be something that is going around.

I'm really scared lately... I'm glad my sis is around, cuz I'm not dealing well with everything.

CG, my sis met him, thinks he's nice, cute.. etc... and then I think about how much I love & want him, and I cry. He's struggling, and I can't do anything.... I just want to help, I want to hold him and kiss him....

T, I still love him and always will, and as much as I'm glad he's found someone it still hurts... and I get these strange feelings from him lately (what little contact I have had)... and I wish I could help him.

And this new guy, DW, I'll call him, met him, he's nice, seems sweet, took me to movies and to eat.. we cuddled, kissed... and he aroused me, but at the same time knows I'm not looking for sex, and is ok with that.

I realized that I'm very shallow, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, or move on. I've went on some other dates as well, which apparently they didn't really like me.... like that.. or something..

The new friend I talked about in the most recent post... well I have a big crush on him, but he alas is married, and I'm already feeling too many feelings for him. I can't stand how I fall for men.. especially men that can't be there, I fall for men that are absent from my life...

I know... 12 years of therapy would only tell me, that... it stems from my childhood, what a shame, that so much time was wasted.

Better

Starting to feel better...
First after I sliced my leg, three times... not deep, but too deep to pass as cat scratches like the two on my arm...
And
Second, I made a new friend. I'll call him, DA- He's sweet, and nice to talk to...
Alas, he's married, but separated, has two children, and is in the military... He seems very caring as well.

That and since the nite I cried my eyes out, CG, has been really following thru on calling me and such. Its wierd for that to happen.... I'm not used to it. He actually called me from his home number last nite as well, after he told me I couldn't have it. I love him... I truely do, I just wish I could move on, I need to, for my health's sake, for my future, for my saneness....

Tears & Irritability

Stressed out, been teary eyed, mostly since Friday. Sally wants to make excuses that my being pissed Sunday has to do with me going to CG's Saturday nite. But I came home and got lots of sleep. CG, knows whats going on, I've been late on my meds Saturday and Sunday... Today I will make sure I take them on time. I don't think that is it though. I think it is alot of other things, CG, included that weigh on my mind daily. Francis is pissing me off, always throwing my things away.. and fucking with them. I wish Sally would just get rid of him. Its fucked up. She tells me how bad CG is for me, and she can't get rid of Francis, or quit enabling his behaviours.. its fucked up. Least CG, to some extent, makes me happy, with the exception of that one day, he treats me like a queen, makes love to me each time like its the first, and always does his best to please me. He's loving when he knows I'm hurt, he holds me.. when I need to be held. He acts stupid and tries to get me to laugh, when he knows it would be a good distraction. He tries to get me to focus on my priorities....

Lately, he knows I don't want to let go, but he tries to come up with reasons, I should stay away from him... He's like... I'm selfish, I'm a jerk, I smoke..... I wouldn't be good for you. Its just I keep telling myself, I'd dump him anyway down the road, so.. that because I don't even get a chance, I won't feel so bad. It really sucks. I love him so much. I love being in his arms, i love holding him... I love laying my head on his chest. I love running my fingers across his skin.... i love the way he touches me, I love the way he kisses me.... I love how attractive he is.. i love when he makes me smile, I love when he is silly.. I love how she says " I know," sometimes when I tell him I love him, because he likes to give me a hard time. I love how he kisses me, I love just sleeping next to him.

I just wish I had a chance to show him.... how things could be.

Dial Up

Back to dial up, temporarily.. . Can't wait to get dsl, I don't care if it is slower than cable, it has to be better than dial up. We have to catch up on our verizon bill, first. I returned the cable modem today... blah..

Started talking to this guy.. today.. TC, he's from Jamaica, and hot as hell, seems sweet as well. We will talk tommorrow, he seems cool.. we will see.

My heart still aches for CG. I wish I could deal with letting go, but I can't... and he doesn't seem to be able to either...

Darian will be home tonite, can't wait to see her, and hug her and hold her.

I'm getting licensed for Florida/Pennsylvania.. . I'm so damn excited. I work days for the next two weeks, and have training. Plus bonus is better for that too, up to 300 a month. This month I get a 200 dollar bonus. I need that money sooo fucking bad. My cat, cost me 70 dollars at the vet, and I have to take her back in a few weeks.

She doesn't seem to like the organic litter I got, that ticks me off... i like it, it smells good, and is better for the environment....

My cat is still damn crazy, always scratching me.. but, she's still the sweetest little thing, in the world.

My sister had surgery, I hope all is well with her, she's in a lot of pain.

My Day with CG

Spent Tuesday with him. It was mostly untolerable. I almost just left 3 times without saying anything. I tried to resist the urge... but it was hard. I knew if I left I'd just end up leaving, crying, and probably hurting myself. I couldn't do that to myself.

First, he tells me to come sometime after nine, because he won't be up before that. I'm like.. ok fine, even though I don't want to deal with traffic. I think I get there after 11 or so, and I try to open the door, its locked, so I try to call his cell, no answer, so I knock,(before I got there I had to pee... SOOO bad).. So I call again, and again.. knock, walk around back, and try to see if you can go in the back way.. (his room is in the back of the house) I call again.. go back to the front porch... and try to ring these things that look like doorbells, and I give up.. pissed as hell. I run down to Burger King, before I piss myself... get in there, and the bathroom is the nastiest shit in the world, the one has piss and stuff all over it.. and the other, it looks like someones shoe with mud.. I wipe the toilet seat off.. with tp, and then put some more tp on the seat.. and relieve myself. I was hungry, but after that... I was just disgusted, and refused to eat there.. blah.

Then I call him again, and he's like... oh... and doesn't apoligize when I say anything to him... and was like.."did you ring the doorbell?" I'm like.. "yeah" and he realizes its not workin right. I was soo pissed. Then he pretty much ignores me... which pisses me off more. I hate that shit.

Then.. throughout the day, he just does little annoying stuff... and doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that I came there to help him, and that I did want some lovin's... which he hardly gave me. I was so frustrated and annoyed.

Then, he gets me, him, and his family, water ice, which was good... but.. then comes out to eat his with me.. and his brother ( i think) calls him in... and he's like watch this for me.. I do.. but 15 minutes later, sitting in the sun, burning up, I start to get annoyed. I call him on his cell, and he says..just a minute.. I'll be out... ten minutes later.. he still doesn't come out.. Its almost time for my meds, so I take off to the store, and call him back... to let him know.. and he doesn't answer. Grr.. And I call him back when I get back, and I sit in my car in the a/c. He comes out, at one point, and doesn't even bother to call back or say anything to me... So I get out, and go over by the house.. and he's by the house.. again. (after he dissappeared).. and was on the phone.. then made excuses about.. I'm on the phone.. etc.. I'm like, that is fucking rude, to leave me outside for over twenty-five minutes. (He could of at least invited me in) ASSHOLE. He apoligizes... but yet...

Does it again.. leaves me down in the basement, while he is upstairs... with nowhere to sit, and nothing to do, and he wonders why I snoop?? what the fuck. He apoligizes again, but continues to act like an asshole.

At one point I backhand him in the chest, and hurt him.. because he said to the dog, " its ok Kiera, she drives different than I do..." I took it as an insult, so we had this big discussion about how my driving was fine, it was just different than his...

I told him several times thru the day, he was being a jerk, and an asshole.. and at several points he apoligized... and said he was sorry, and even told me he appreciated me helping him out, when I told him.. that I came here to help him, and he was being disrespectful, and rude. I didn't ask him for anything. I came down there, because he invited me.. made plans with me.. (not to help him move his pets, but to make love) and when he said he needed help, i told him that was fine... I'd help... I also had to buy my own dinner... he provided me with water ice, and then water... (but he also told me at one point to go to the store, it was on sale- that was fucking rude)... I even helped him fold his clothes.

I told him... again he was a jerk, and he said he was always like that.. I said. that he never acted like that around me.. and he stated.. "how often do you usually spend the whole day with me..." which is true, since the beginning of us dating, we've only spend a few, maybe 5 or 6 actual days together. The day we met, the day after we met, I remember one day I came down to Philly, and offhand.. I can't think of any specific instances...

We ended up talking, and it turned out good. I'm still hurt, but I know in the end, even if he chose me, I'd end up hurting him. I'd leave him, I can't tolerate his shit. I can't tolerate how he is with the kids, or his lack of cleanlyness habits. I really hope him and Cristina can be happy, although he says its not about him being happy... which I find to be BS.

I told him how much it hurts me the things he says.. (when we are making love and otherwise.. ) Things like, " I am all yours", " you are exactly the type of woman I want to marry", "This feels so good, so right," " I love being with you, you make me so happy", "being with you feels so good", "I wish things could be different," " I wish I'd met you first"....

I'm almost crying as I write this, and if I was at home, and not at work I wouldn't be holding back. I love him, with all my heart.. but I believe relationships are built on communication and trust, neither of which we have enough of.....

I do feel better after our talk, but then we made love, which was fucking incredible... but he said.. that that had to be the last time...