Blah.. Tired today. Got up at quarter to six, so I could see my new therapist by seven. It was worth it.. but I'm still tired. She's nice, a little neurotic, but nice. She has mood swings like me. I feel better when my therapist shares wierd info like that with me. I talked and talked and talked w/ her today. The hour went by fast. Kind of makes me think I could be a therapist, but then... well I think I'd have trouble with boundaries. I care too much. I want to take care of everyone.
I'm hurting bad now, because I want to do something with my life. Something to help people. I'm not sure what to do though. I'm tired of not doing my share for the world/earth.. etc. I want to make a difference. I think that would make me happy. Overall though. I am doing better. The meds seem to have stopped the excessive crying. I've made it thru my stressful week. Monday & Tuesday were a breeze, Wednesday.. was a bit difficult and yesterday was ok.. it helped that I got to try to help get this poor little bat out of the office. He someone got into here.
That.. and Wednesday, I had some good orgasms. I had some help from... "J" my photographer friend. He watches me on cam, and we talked on the phone. Its very arousing. I'd love for him to come and take some pictures of me. He loves watching.. it makes me hot.
Regardless.. I'm still lonely. Lately I've been thinking of T... more than usual. I don't rather enjoy that... because I've come to the conclusion.. that in reality.. we aren't really friends. Its not like it was before.. and it never will be. I'm not important in his life... and there isn't anything I can do to change that. I try to communicate with him... and I get nothing in return. Nothing substantial anyway.... and I feel like its just me. I feel like I'm not important enough to communicate with.
On another note.... I was supposed to have a date on Mother's day weekend, because Sally was supposed to leave town.. but she's not leaving.. so this sucks. Not sure if I'll keep the date or not. blah.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
I miss you.........
Hey, I miss you! I hope everything is ok, it sucks that your phone got turned off, I am sure you feel the same. Did you go back to work on Monday? I hope everything turns out ok and that you can ditch Verizon and find a new cell provider quick............I'm dying here! =o) BTW, I got the e-mail you sent about the "cracker". LOL It was hilarious!! =o) Love you!
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Slitting My Wrists
or Overdosing,
Seems to be the only way people will help you. Medical professionals, insurance companies.. whomever.
I've contimplated it severals times today. I still,look over at my razor... wondering if it would help or make things worse.
Don't think things could get any worse. I didn't go to work today, so I doubt I have a job left to go back to. But.. who knows. I personal just think they want to get rid of me. I ask too many questions. I cry too much. I'm unprofessional. This job gave me confidence when I started, and now, takes it away doubly. I question my ability to function at all. I'm tired of getting talked to. I've never had to be "talked to" before at my job. I'm the girl, who does her job, overly... and makes her customers happy.... The one management doesn't have to keep an eye out on.
I'm so sad, so angry, so upset with myself. I fucked around for so long.. now I want to do something and I don't know what to do.
Seems to be the only way people will help you. Medical professionals, insurance companies.. whomever.
I've contimplated it severals times today. I still,look over at my razor... wondering if it would help or make things worse.
Don't think things could get any worse. I didn't go to work today, so I doubt I have a job left to go back to. But.. who knows. I personal just think they want to get rid of me. I ask too many questions. I cry too much. I'm unprofessional. This job gave me confidence when I started, and now, takes it away doubly. I question my ability to function at all. I'm tired of getting talked to. I've never had to be "talked to" before at my job. I'm the girl, who does her job, overly... and makes her customers happy.... The one management doesn't have to keep an eye out on.
I'm so sad, so angry, so upset with myself. I fucked around for so long.. now I want to do something and I don't know what to do.
Depression & Psychotic Analysis
Depressed more than ever.
I don't know how to cope with my job, and my medical problems, not just the depression, mostly the asthma, and the migraines. They really get me down. I try to get help with all of it, and nothing seems to really help. It goes thru phases. Right now, I'm really sad. I don't want to write about it, because it makes me think of suicide more.
It all came, from... my boss sitting me down yesterday, not at his desk, we went to a private office- to talk about what happened on Tuesday. The asthma attack. I sat there, barely able to breathe, and they are asking me what to do. I don't know, this never happened to me before. I said just call, the ambulance. Not what I wanted, but I didn't know what to do. So again. I'm not really treated, I went to my Dr. the next day. He states my lungs are clear, and its fine for me to get my shots. Lets increase the Advair he says. And thats that. I cry just thinking about it. I don't know where or how to get a new dr. and I can't handle all this. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.
I just want to die. At least part of me does. The other part wants to fight, but I have no fight left. I fought to get here, and I'm still back at square one. I can't afford my medications. I can't afford my car. I can't afford to live. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a loser, because all I've done is fuck up, since I moved here with my aunt, never working hard enough, never paying enough, and now... I want to.. and I can't.
I don't know how to cope with my job, and my medical problems, not just the depression, mostly the asthma, and the migraines. They really get me down. I try to get help with all of it, and nothing seems to really help. It goes thru phases. Right now, I'm really sad. I don't want to write about it, because it makes me think of suicide more.
It all came, from... my boss sitting me down yesterday, not at his desk, we went to a private office- to talk about what happened on Tuesday. The asthma attack. I sat there, barely able to breathe, and they are asking me what to do. I don't know, this never happened to me before. I said just call, the ambulance. Not what I wanted, but I didn't know what to do. So again. I'm not really treated, I went to my Dr. the next day. He states my lungs are clear, and its fine for me to get my shots. Lets increase the Advair he says. And thats that. I cry just thinking about it. I don't know where or how to get a new dr. and I can't handle all this. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.
I just want to die. At least part of me does. The other part wants to fight, but I have no fight left. I fought to get here, and I'm still back at square one. I can't afford my medications. I can't afford my car. I can't afford to live. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a loser, because all I've done is fuck up, since I moved here with my aunt, never working hard enough, never paying enough, and now... I want to.. and I can't.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Um....
Wrote T., an email today. I realized so many things while at the garage waiting today, reading my Book, 10 Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives (besides that exhaust problems aren't under warranty, and I need a new muffler, and new tires). I hadn't sat down and read it, because I was feeling too emotional. I've been wanting to email T. though, for a while, I wanted to write him a real letter, since, his.. ASK MOI email... of questions I asked him.
I feel so lost right now, I know some things I'm going to do, but as for my job right now... I'm really really lost. I like customer service, I enjoy it, but I'm sick of doing things that don't really use intelligence.
What do I want to be when I grow up?
1. An Architect
2. A Race Car Driver
3. A Singer (hahah, yeah right...)
I feel so lost right now, I know some things I'm going to do, but as for my job right now... I'm really really lost. I like customer service, I enjoy it, but I'm sick of doing things that don't really use intelligence.
What do I want to be when I grow up?
1. An Architect
2. A Race Car Driver
3. A Singer (hahah, yeah right...)
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Work..
I left work early, well sort of. I actually was there until 11pm.
BUT around 9 pm or so, i started coughing, and my asthma was kicking up, I took my inhaler, with the hopes that would help. I went to the bathroom, and started coughing and coughing and coughing.....
I couldn't breath, I started getting upset about not being able to breathe, how much time I was off the phone, and if I would lose my job.. and I started to get more upset and more upset. I went and sat on the couch, and it didn't help much. I took my inhaler again, my 6th puff within the hour. My hands started to get numb, I wasn't coughing anymore.. but I couldn't get a deep breath in.
This went on for about 20 minutes or so, before I was able to recover my breathing.
Someone, of course, told my boss, but, I wasn't sure what to do.
I'm alive, scared, but alive. Thankfully, I think. Going to try to see if i can find one of my doctors to see me tommorrow..... to take a look, but I'm in so much pain right now...
My head hurts, my chest is tight, and I'm scared, I'm very very scared.
BUT around 9 pm or so, i started coughing, and my asthma was kicking up, I took my inhaler, with the hopes that would help. I went to the bathroom, and started coughing and coughing and coughing.....
I couldn't breath, I started getting upset about not being able to breathe, how much time I was off the phone, and if I would lose my job.. and I started to get more upset and more upset. I went and sat on the couch, and it didn't help much. I took my inhaler again, my 6th puff within the hour. My hands started to get numb, I wasn't coughing anymore.. but I couldn't get a deep breath in.
This went on for about 20 minutes or so, before I was able to recover my breathing.
Someone, of course, told my boss, but, I wasn't sure what to do.
I'm alive, scared, but alive. Thankfully, I think. Going to try to see if i can find one of my doctors to see me tommorrow..... to take a look, but I'm in so much pain right now...
My head hurts, my chest is tight, and I'm scared, I'm very very scared.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Feeling better...
C. called last nite. I was quite surprised. He called back again today, wanting to see about doing something tonite. I want to invite him over to watch a movie, but the house is a mess, and Sally has been sleeping on the couch. Her bf is a pain in the ass. Oh well, thats life.
I'm feeling more positive, was able to talk to Lisa today, kind of getting things out, writing always helps. I realize, some of the things, I do sort of wish were different, although, in reality, I do wish sometimes that they were, I don't really want them to be. I know things happen for a reason. And the more my life goes on, the more I want to know, the more I experience, the more valuable my knowledge is.
After I got done, chatting with T., if you call it that. A bit of a one sided conversation, ending with me getting upset, and going to bed my bed crying myself to sleep, missing him, and knowing none of it really matters to him. (or thinking that anyway). I always have so much I want to tell him, part of me has been wanting him back lately.. and glad I didn't say anything to him. I realize that I'm just healing from the loss. It just hurts more, because Darian misses him as much as I do. I'm angry at him. He's right, he shouldn't have told me, of the future he wanted with me, and the fact that he did, hurts more. If I didn't have ideas about the future, that he input, I'd of been ok with us breaking up, and would of let him go. But I find that, knowing he loves me, hard to not be together..
I believe, if you truely love someone, everything else is a minority. That love conquers all, to some extent I believe. I just wanted to build a healthy relatinship with him, and I was in a place then, that that would of been impossible.
Part of me just wants to ask him for a second chance, part of me says, let it go, move on, he has. Thing is, everyone I think, thinks i've moved on, because I date, and I do this, and I do that... but.. I've not moved on, working on it though. Just not sure how to completely get over the anger I have lately.
I'm feeling more positive, was able to talk to Lisa today, kind of getting things out, writing always helps. I realize, some of the things, I do sort of wish were different, although, in reality, I do wish sometimes that they were, I don't really want them to be. I know things happen for a reason. And the more my life goes on, the more I want to know, the more I experience, the more valuable my knowledge is.
After I got done, chatting with T., if you call it that. A bit of a one sided conversation, ending with me getting upset, and going to bed my bed crying myself to sleep, missing him, and knowing none of it really matters to him. (or thinking that anyway). I always have so much I want to tell him, part of me has been wanting him back lately.. and glad I didn't say anything to him. I realize that I'm just healing from the loss. It just hurts more, because Darian misses him as much as I do. I'm angry at him. He's right, he shouldn't have told me, of the future he wanted with me, and the fact that he did, hurts more. If I didn't have ideas about the future, that he input, I'd of been ok with us breaking up, and would of let him go. But I find that, knowing he loves me, hard to not be together..
I believe, if you truely love someone, everything else is a minority. That love conquers all, to some extent I believe. I just wanted to build a healthy relatinship with him, and I was in a place then, that that would of been impossible.
Part of me just wants to ask him for a second chance, part of me says, let it go, move on, he has. Thing is, everyone I think, thinks i've moved on, because I date, and I do this, and I do that... but.. I've not moved on, working on it though. Just not sure how to completely get over the anger I have lately.
The Five Stages of Loss
Five Stages Of Grief
1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3.Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4.Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5.Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
Anger... where I am. Grief, of a loss, doesn't always mean death. I've lost alot of things in the past few years, and mostly, the people I care about... well I feel angry about it. I don't know how to get over the anger.
I'm angry at them, but mostly angry at myself. Angry for fucking up. Angry for the things they do say to me when I do talk to them, or the things they don't. I'm angry over the choices I've made, as well as the ones they've made.
None if it really seems to matter in the long run. Thats life right, If I don't like it change it... (something someone said.... to me...)
1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3.Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4.Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5.Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
Anger... where I am. Grief, of a loss, doesn't always mean death. I've lost alot of things in the past few years, and mostly, the people I care about... well I feel angry about it. I don't know how to get over the anger.
I'm angry at them, but mostly angry at myself. Angry for fucking up. Angry for the things they do say to me when I do talk to them, or the things they don't. I'm angry over the choices I've made, as well as the ones they've made.
None if it really seems to matter in the long run. Thats life right, If I don't like it change it... (something someone said.... to me...)
Crying, Dying, and Generally Sad
Thats me.
What should I do? What shouldn't I do.
I feel like such a loser. My actions in the last few years have been really fucked up. I realize how lazy, stupid, and selfish I've been. I don't know how to change... I don't know what to change... I don't know who I am, or where i'm going, or why I want to go anywhere.
I just want to chalk everything up for a loss. I don't know how to fix anything. The phone bill, my job, this car, the insurance thing, my credit, this house, moving, my child, my internet addiction.
I just want to be happy. I want people to love me. I want people to think good things when they think of me. I'm tired of being the girl, that scares everyone away. I'm tired of being the cute girl, that nooone wants to commit to. I'm tired of being afraid of commitment myself. I'm tired of trying to fit in. I'm tired of not belonging. I'm tired of not having faith. I'm getting tired of being told to have faith. I'm tired of being told "it will get better", when all that happens is things become more complicated. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being told that my sickness is psycho-symatic. I'm tired of my therapist, I'm tired of not having anyone to talk to. I'm tired of this place. I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of raising my little girl by myself. I'm tired of her being tired of it. I'm tired of being so frustrated. I'm tired of breathing. I'm tired of life.
I'd like to shoot someone, and I don't care who hears it...
I should really quit saying that, thats why I got in trouble at work. Its what is the life of me. Its what will always be the life of me... both good and bad... my mouth, my fucking loud mouth, where I never hesitate to hold my tongue, and always say... (well always at inappropriate times) whats on my mind.
I'm never assertive enough. I'll never be strong enough, or bold enough, or sexy enough, or smart enough....
I'll never be enough, because I'm always looking up to impossible standards. My own. And I wonder why noone wants to date me. I think I purposely try to scare them off, so I don't have to deal with them. Its easier being alone. Mostly.
What should I do? What shouldn't I do.
I feel like such a loser. My actions in the last few years have been really fucked up. I realize how lazy, stupid, and selfish I've been. I don't know how to change... I don't know what to change... I don't know who I am, or where i'm going, or why I want to go anywhere.
I just want to chalk everything up for a loss. I don't know how to fix anything. The phone bill, my job, this car, the insurance thing, my credit, this house, moving, my child, my internet addiction.
I just want to be happy. I want people to love me. I want people to think good things when they think of me. I'm tired of being the girl, that scares everyone away. I'm tired of being the cute girl, that nooone wants to commit to. I'm tired of being afraid of commitment myself. I'm tired of trying to fit in. I'm tired of not belonging. I'm tired of not having faith. I'm getting tired of being told to have faith. I'm tired of being told "it will get better", when all that happens is things become more complicated. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being told that my sickness is psycho-symatic. I'm tired of my therapist, I'm tired of not having anyone to talk to. I'm tired of this place. I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of raising my little girl by myself. I'm tired of her being tired of it. I'm tired of being so frustrated. I'm tired of breathing. I'm tired of life.
I'd like to shoot someone, and I don't care who hears it...
I should really quit saying that, thats why I got in trouble at work. Its what is the life of me. Its what will always be the life of me... both good and bad... my mouth, my fucking loud mouth, where I never hesitate to hold my tongue, and always say... (well always at inappropriate times) whats on my mind.
I'm never assertive enough. I'll never be strong enough, or bold enough, or sexy enough, or smart enough....
I'll never be enough, because I'm always looking up to impossible standards. My own. And I wonder why noone wants to date me. I think I purposely try to scare them off, so I don't have to deal with them. Its easier being alone. Mostly.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Life... Blah
I need a drink. I want a drink. I'd rather have ativan.... one day soon.
I'm soooo stressed out. People here at work.. the customers are crazy today.
I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm depressed.. stressed and tired...
and Ohhh.. so lonely.
I can't wait until the things I'm doing fall into place. I need them too, I want them to, and I will do what it takes to make things happen. Its just so hard to find the motivation. But I've been pushing myself... its just things keep coming up.
I'm trying to keep the bills paid, trying to figure out my finances... trying to figure out what I really want to do. Its going slow. I'm so upset right now, because although I treated Darian for lice two weeks ago, she has it again. I was late for work today, because I had to spend time treating her, before we leave tommorrow. I told her I don't want her friend over at our house, and she is not allowed to go there for a while ( I said forever, but I didn't mean that).
In the meantime, Francis is a drunk, I'm dumping his wine down the sink when I get home tonite. Which is ironic, because i'll be drinking.
Hhahahha.. now i just have to find a D.D.
Uh.. and a boyfriend..
I'm soooo stressed out. People here at work.. the customers are crazy today.
I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm depressed.. stressed and tired...
and Ohhh.. so lonely.
I can't wait until the things I'm doing fall into place. I need them too, I want them to, and I will do what it takes to make things happen. Its just so hard to find the motivation. But I've been pushing myself... its just things keep coming up.
I'm trying to keep the bills paid, trying to figure out my finances... trying to figure out what I really want to do. Its going slow. I'm so upset right now, because although I treated Darian for lice two weeks ago, she has it again. I was late for work today, because I had to spend time treating her, before we leave tommorrow. I told her I don't want her friend over at our house, and she is not allowed to go there for a while ( I said forever, but I didn't mean that).
In the meantime, Francis is a drunk, I'm dumping his wine down the sink when I get home tonite. Which is ironic, because i'll be drinking.
Hhahahha.. now i just have to find a D.D.
Uh.. and a boyfriend..
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
I guess...
I guess I should explain my previous post, so I don't freak anyone out. I got wrote up at work. It really pisses me off.
1. because they say I have a prior verbal warning...
2. because I have the fucking worst luck in the world.
3. because I really did fuck up....
at work, I had a really bad call, Escalation was NOT helpful, as usual, and then the provider started giving me a hard time. In between the transfer I said.... " I'd like to shoot someone ( not sure I mite of said myself), and I don't care who hears me." Well they heard the call, it was recorded. The girl on the other end, a claims specialist for UHG, didn't seem to say anything, and I apoligized to her if she heard it. So I'm not sure if she turned me in, or if, by luck it was recorded, either way...
I'm pretty much about to be fired. I'm not even sure what the verbal warning is.... I'm a bit confused about that.
Either way.... I'm not really suicidal... though I sometimes wonder why I bother. Right now, I'm trying to make a better life for myself, for Darian, and build a future we both can enjoy. I'm just not sure where to go with it all. I'm so confused, so lost, and feel so hopeless.....
1. because they say I have a prior verbal warning...
2. because I have the fucking worst luck in the world.
3. because I really did fuck up....
at work, I had a really bad call, Escalation was NOT helpful, as usual, and then the provider started giving me a hard time. In between the transfer I said.... " I'd like to shoot someone ( not sure I mite of said myself), and I don't care who hears me." Well they heard the call, it was recorded. The girl on the other end, a claims specialist for UHG, didn't seem to say anything, and I apoligized to her if she heard it. So I'm not sure if she turned me in, or if, by luck it was recorded, either way...
I'm pretty much about to be fired. I'm not even sure what the verbal warning is.... I'm a bit confused about that.
Either way.... I'm not really suicidal... though I sometimes wonder why I bother. Right now, I'm trying to make a better life for myself, for Darian, and build a future we both can enjoy. I'm just not sure where to go with it all. I'm so confused, so lost, and feel so hopeless.....
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Life
I hate life, I hate my job..
I hate breathing, I hate struggling to breathe..
I hate the world, I hate that anger...
I hate the HATE...
I should just go shoot someone.
or myself.
I hate breathing, I hate struggling to breathe..
I hate the world, I hate that anger...
I hate the HATE...
I should just go shoot someone.
or myself.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Men... uh.. Grr.. .. blah
What a fucking nite...
Met this guy.... it was weird, a weird internet thing. Thing is, I prolly should NOT have met him.... he was moving a bit too quick, but I did, and I'm glad I did.
Well what happened was, we met at Legends, and sat to have a few drinks. I had 3 drinks and was TOTALLY toasted... he saw i was getting drunker, and well, sort of took advantage of that. We ended up in his truck, in the back parking lot, making out, and... uh.. stuff. He tried to get me to fuck him. I was like NO WAY....
He totally didn't deserve me. Not one bit. Well, at some point, because I won't fuck him.. or suck him off...Which he btw offered me money to do.... (which pissed me off).... he said he was going home.. and he didn't really care how I was getting there. OH WELL... I looked at my car.. and had to pee, so I went into the hotel bathroom, and decided to go into the bar....
To sober up. Ordered a coke and a water, and enjoyed the scenery... cute guys everywhere.... then this guy.. comes up to me, looks like he was going to order a drink, but was acting very shy.... ended up asking if anyone was sitting there.... (next to me....) I was like no.. we exchanged smiles... looks.. and more smiles, then started chit chatting...
I just hope he's not a jerk like most guys I meet. Cuz he could really break my
He's adorable the way he looks at me, and strokes my hair... the way he looks into my eyes... and runs his hand down my shoulder.... the way he kisses... He's such a doll, I could easily fall for him. I don't want to be the rebound girl heart. He's cute, flirty, nice smile.. nice butt.. you name it.. and we seem to have some things in common... (like to drive cars... drive well and fast..)
though, he just got out of a long term relationship... a month or two ago...
i'm going to have sweet dreams tonite... I hope he does too.
Met this guy.... it was weird, a weird internet thing. Thing is, I prolly should NOT have met him.... he was moving a bit too quick, but I did, and I'm glad I did.
Well what happened was, we met at Legends, and sat to have a few drinks. I had 3 drinks and was TOTALLY toasted... he saw i was getting drunker, and well, sort of took advantage of that. We ended up in his truck, in the back parking lot, making out, and... uh.. stuff. He tried to get me to fuck him. I was like NO WAY....
He totally didn't deserve me. Not one bit. Well, at some point, because I won't fuck him.. or suck him off...Which he btw offered me money to do.... (which pissed me off).... he said he was going home.. and he didn't really care how I was getting there. OH WELL... I looked at my car.. and had to pee, so I went into the hotel bathroom, and decided to go into the bar....
To sober up. Ordered a coke and a water, and enjoyed the scenery... cute guys everywhere.... then this guy.. comes up to me, looks like he was going to order a drink, but was acting very shy.... ended up asking if anyone was sitting there.... (next to me....) I was like no.. we exchanged smiles... looks.. and more smiles, then started chit chatting...
I just hope he's not a jerk like most guys I meet. Cuz he could really break my
He's adorable the way he looks at me, and strokes my hair... the way he looks into my eyes... and runs his hand down my shoulder.... the way he kisses... He's such a doll, I could easily fall for him. I don't want to be the rebound girl heart. He's cute, flirty, nice smile.. nice butt.. you name it.. and we seem to have some things in common... (like to drive cars... drive well and fast..)
though, he just got out of a long term relationship... a month or two ago...
i'm going to have sweet dreams tonite... I hope he does too.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Something I found.... August 15th, 2004
I was going thru some emails that I had....and saw this.... I wrote this to T. when we started talking more. This is the first email I have record of.
It explains alot of things to me, but makes me realize, I warned him more than I really thought that I did. I don't blame him for staying away from me. I just wish I could either get over him, or figure out how to get over him, because today, I've lost hope, and I don't feel that anything I do will matter, because he's stubborn,and thats one reason I love him.
Hi there sweetie.
Thanks for the email. Seems really... nice. Glad I read it tonite. Besides, I'm not one that could hold off reading it anyway. I'm not really sure why you like me. I mean, well part of me knows, that I am likable, but the part that stands out lately, is the part, that just doesn't understand anything, especially life.
I've really been wanting to die. I made a promise, ( I didn't say promise to you, but.. when I said I'd consult you first, I meant it, and to me its a promise). Peter asked me the same think, and I told him I couldn't promise him anything. I feel really bad about the relationship between him and I. I know, know matter what, he would never understand. He sees me as the only person that has ever been good to him. The only person that has shown him love. It may be true, I'm not sure, but that is just me, I've very loving, and giving in a relationship. I give too much sometimes.
I guess technically I'm single, ;) for today anyway. I don't know really what is going to happy between me and him. I do care for him alot, and he's been good to me. But from what I felt from the beginning of the relationship, is that he wasn't quite what I was needed, and I know that now. Just hurting him, hurts me alot.... especially when he's made me feel so good. He's been one of the most attentive men, I"ve met. Part of me, just wants to always stay single. I don't think I'll ever find a man I can spend my life with, and that is what in my heart I believe that I want. I want someone that is there for me every day, as I am there for them. Someone to talk to about my problems, someone to hold me and comfort me... a best friend. That is really important to me, that my husband be my best friend. Its really hard for me, it seems all my relationships move so fast, I just don't know what to do. I know I am needy, but it seems when I meet a guy I like and he likes me, I become more needy.. and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm glad I can share things with you. Athough, I feel sometimes the things I say, mite scare you or drive you away... I say them anyway, in hopes that you wont.
I'm getting tired, so I will end this here. Look forward to talking to you tommorrow. Hope your dreams were sweet.
xxoxoxoxoxooxoxo,
Julie
It explains alot of things to me, but makes me realize, I warned him more than I really thought that I did. I don't blame him for staying away from me. I just wish I could either get over him, or figure out how to get over him, because today, I've lost hope, and I don't feel that anything I do will matter, because he's stubborn,and thats one reason I love him.
Hi there sweetie.
Thanks for the email. Seems really... nice. Glad I read it tonite. Besides, I'm not one that could hold off reading it anyway. I'm not really sure why you like me. I mean, well part of me knows, that I am likable, but the part that stands out lately, is the part, that just doesn't understand anything, especially life.
I've really been wanting to die. I made a promise, ( I didn't say promise to you, but.. when I said I'd consult you first, I meant it, and to me its a promise). Peter asked me the same think, and I told him I couldn't promise him anything. I feel really bad about the relationship between him and I. I know, know matter what, he would never understand. He sees me as the only person that has ever been good to him. The only person that has shown him love. It may be true, I'm not sure, but that is just me, I've very loving, and giving in a relationship. I give too much sometimes.
I guess technically I'm single, ;) for today anyway. I don't know really what is going to happy between me and him. I do care for him alot, and he's been good to me. But from what I felt from the beginning of the relationship, is that he wasn't quite what I was needed, and I know that now. Just hurting him, hurts me alot.... especially when he's made me feel so good. He's been one of the most attentive men, I"ve met. Part of me, just wants to always stay single. I don't think I'll ever find a man I can spend my life with, and that is what in my heart I believe that I want. I want someone that is there for me every day, as I am there for them. Someone to talk to about my problems, someone to hold me and comfort me... a best friend. That is really important to me, that my husband be my best friend. Its really hard for me, it seems all my relationships move so fast, I just don't know what to do. I know I am needy, but it seems when I meet a guy I like and he likes me, I become more needy.. and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm glad I can share things with you. Athough, I feel sometimes the things I say, mite scare you or drive you away... I say them anyway, in hopes that you wont.
I'm getting tired, so I will end this here. Look forward to talking to you tommorrow. Hope your dreams were sweet.
xxoxoxoxoxooxoxo,
Julie
My 4-Banger
Duh, I like almost forgot, but was reminded again this morning. Whats my fucking luck, my car was hit already. I forgot, cuz its not really a big deal, its just the idea that it was hit. What can I do about it? NOTHING. It actually was just the plate (the cute little silver Mazda plate in the front)- it was hit and has a dent in it...
At least, what happened to this guy I'm talking to, didn't happen to me.... He told me that... his "newer" car, didn't say what make or model ( I didn't ask, men seem to have a problem with that), but this guy is well off, him and his 17 year old son live outside of DC in a nice little area.... Well he woke up, I think it was this past week... and his nice "newer" black car, was painted bright yellow. He wasn't a bit fucked off, his neighbors seem to be more upset... because "that" doesn't happen in his neighborhood... He's like "the insurance company will take care of it". Me I would cry, trying to figure out where to come up with teh 250 deductible to pay to get it fixed.
At least, what happened to this guy I'm talking to, didn't happen to me.... He told me that... his "newer" car, didn't say what make or model ( I didn't ask, men seem to have a problem with that), but this guy is well off, him and his 17 year old son live outside of DC in a nice little area.... Well he woke up, I think it was this past week... and his nice "newer" black car, was painted bright yellow. He wasn't a bit fucked off, his neighbors seem to be more upset... because "that" doesn't happen in his neighborhood... He's like "the insurance company will take care of it". Me I would cry, trying to figure out where to come up with teh 250 deductible to pay to get it fixed.
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