Rage

Jealousy creates my rage, in life, in relationships, in almost everything I do.

I wrote some things on my myspace page that were try, but I'm trying to deduct why am I doing them? I know they are self destructive. I know they are harmful to me. I know they may cause me to do something I don't really intend to do. I'm heading down that path again. I know how to stop. And I know I will. But what makes me continue what I'm doing?

It feels good. But in a bad way. I'm not happy at this moment... why? because I'm not high. Because I'm not drunk, cuz I'm not smoking....

I want to rewind back three weeks ago. I want that feeling. I had it, and I will have it again.

Chemicals create Kaos...

Speaking of that, I finally understood something about T.

T. and his band... Today I got an email about two of the members leaving Stuck in Kaos.. a band I like... I read one's blog about why he was doing it... and how he focused only on the band so long, he wanted to fix things with the ones he loved.... because the band became more than just a love.... and he wasn't happy with it any longer.

Well in regards to T. I was always upset because I never was a priority... but now I can believe that, and I may have already that... it was so true he cares for me, and wants to give me time, he just doesn't have it. I always felt like I was never important to him because MySpace, and HotorNOt, and the web and computers in general took up most of his time. I'd see comments on his myspace page about him hanging with this person or that person, or the band, and it enraged me, that those people were that important to him, and I wasn't. I couldn't figure it out. I understand just a tiny bit more now, but still not completely. I could never love music as much as I love T.

People never can compete with something else. I love to give and get affections and you can't get that from music. I take that back.... you can, you can get it from the attention, I guess like my internet and attention addiction. I'm addicted to the attention of good looking men, despite whether I think they are worth a dime or not.

Psychology Analysis

Psychology Analysis, analyses .....

Being Psychotic is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

Ex: You call my daughter's name... "Darian...."
again... "Darian...."..... "Darian..."...."DARIIAN".....
"HELLO.....DARIAN!!!"... and expect her to answer.

My thought today was.. why should that work. Its not realistic. I mentioned this to my therapist. Her thought on that was to compare that to me, and CG... and how I don't want to stay away from him. I could. I would. But... I don't want to. He doesn't "hurt" me per say...

My emotions towards him, are what kills me. My jealousy.

Fucked up

School is almost done.
Thank God, I need a rest.
I've been behind on my work, although its all turned out well.
I'm tired of men, and of choices.

I want a husband, I want to settle down,
I want something real, something tangible,
something, something I'm not sure I will ever have.

I live too much in the past. I need to focus on the future.

I had suicidal thoughts this week. Destructive, disgusting ones, ones I've never had before. Are they realistic? No. Are they scary? YES!

I've not been feeling well, I've had a stomache type problem lately. Hopefully things will work out with it soon. My stomache is already feeling better today.

On My Desk....

Is a fortune cookie fortune. It says... "You will come to realizations in you life that change you forever" .....

I had that up there for a long time, and then one day I looked at it again. That was a few months ago, or maybe a little longer, when I first came to some realizations about my life.

Last nite I came to another one.

The men that want me, or that I want, either physically or mentally or emotionally... I don't really want them. I want them for one reason or another, but as a whole, I can't be with them. Mostly because of my mental/emotional health, but at this point, I can't ever see me building a life with any of them. For one reason or another, I don't trust most of them, I won't say all. A lot of them have habits, or lifestyles, that they don't for the most part bring here in front of me, but that I can't tolerate in my lifestyle. I would never ask them to stop those behaviours, because that isn't my call, but I don't want someone I love involved in anything like that.

Today, A.A., my friend asked me how my boyfriend was, I replied, " what boyfriend, or should I say which one?" I am not sure what made me say this, but to an extent its true. All these men chase after me, or want me, whether to build a relationship or just for sex, and although I feel good when I'm with them, they usually aren't there either physically, (they live far away), or emotionally.... They have their own lives, which I'm not involved in.

Its sad but true, and now, I just have to find the strength to let go and move on completely, because as they don't want to intentionally hurt me, I don't want to hurt them, and continueing with my behaviours, leads people to think things, besides what I mean.

What... to ... do??

Life is so complicated. I really like him, but I'm afraid. I never had a man, that was so sweet and loving, that....
A. I wasn't madly in love with, instantly.
B. That didn't try to get into my pants
C. That was so young... (21)
D. That is both a good boy, and a bad boy, thats never got caught...

He follows my bad patterns though...
1. He lives with his mom
2. He only has a part time job (although he's going to school)
3. But he's withdrawn from his classes, or just stopped going


He is more concerned that I need to be happy with what I already have...

4. He smokes weed.... and I'm sure done other illegal things...

But regardless... of any of it. Its nice, to have someone so close, (He lives two doors down), but I really need to set my priorities straight... and I hope that I can do this... and still get closer to him, and get to know him... and give it a chance.... instead of running away...

Addictions

I have an addiction to attention. I realize why, but I don't know how to change it, and I don't want to completely change it. Thing is, I can't get enough attention from any one person. They are always unavailable in some way. It kills me.

Met a new guy today though, of course, when I was going to school. Exchanged numbers when I stopped at a light going down 422. He was on his way to work. He says he'll call, but we will see. Last guy said that too, but it was prolly cuz he was too drunk to remember who Julie was...

Talked to CJR, last nite, and also to T. Both want to hang out. Looking forward to both, but kind of disappointed, that AJ didn't even call or text me back, after deciding not to come over. I'm not sure he wanted to in the first place. I feel like he maybe talked to me so much, because he wanted to help me.. and the fact that he doesn't want to get involved with me, stems from more than just me being far away. Its only something he can answer.... but... who knows....

Then, EJH ( not sure which initials i used previous...) and had a really beneficial, but an emotional conversation for me.... and stayed up Saturday nite.. way later than we both wanted to, and I fear always that I've scared him away. He seems like a stand up guy, but he's afraid of internet.. dating...

Another Night...

Of chit chatting with my sweetie... I'll call him that, cuz he's the only one I really talk to lately, and because he is sweet as hell. We both were tired as hell last nite, and he didn't want to fall asleep on me. I asked him questions for a while, the book I have - 4,000 Questions To Get To Know Anybody and Everybody.... So I asked him questions from there, and regular questions, and I believe we talked about two hours.
I should of been doing homework, well reading Chapter 6 for my Macroeconomics class, but I didn't.... but I will be doing that probably tommorrow nite. I do have to prioritize, but he's the thing that makes me the most happy lately. I have many other guys that I usually talk to, but since I've started talking to him on the phone, I barely contact them. I'm supposed to meet CJR, on Sunday, but I'm not sure I want to. I'm sure he's a good guy, just I know what he has to offer, is not what I'm looking for.
But....
I'm not really sure what AJ's intentions are either.... I know he likes me, and thinks I'm cute, but... I'm not sure what kind of feelings he has for me. I know my feelings are too intense, and I need to keep them in check. I actually miss him, thru the day, and wish I could just call and say hi. When I think that though, I feel like I'm being obsessive, and that he will get sick of me, and at some point, not talk to me again.
I'm stupid, I im'd CG yesterday, when I was being bored, and was im'ing alot of people I know... and he im'd back, complainin about his life, and then saying he wasn't with anyone. He was supposed to be with me, but he ignored me for like 3 days, and I said that I'm not putting up with that shit. Fuck him. I was in love with him, but after all the shit that happened over that weekend, I just wish he'd go fuck himself. I still love him, and always will, but I could never be with him, and I surely don't want to build a life with him. I don't need that type of person in my life, he's a criminal, a liar, a cheater, a sneak, a former drug addict, & I don't think he's a very good parent. My opinions yes.... but, this is my angryness showing thru.
I deserve a good man, that has goals and dreams, and wants to make those dreams reality. I want a handsome sexy man, with nice teeth, that will love me, and take care of me, just like I'll take care of him. One day I will find it, until then, I'll just move ahead, and strive for my goals, & work on what I need to work on, to get ahead in life.

Myspace

I like Myspace, its a good site... and from a friend of a friend, I met a new friend, AJ, I'll call him. He recently read some of my blog, and told me he hopes he just doesn't become initials in my blog. I hope for both of our sakes he doesn't either. Part of it, is that I don't like to use people's names without their permission, in case someone that knows me may know them, and its not any of their business what I write about, really.

Anyway, I really like him. I feel crazy about it. Its those intense feelings that always get me in trouble. Its the, fact that if/when we meet, and he feels the same about me... I jump right in. I know with him, I don't have to worry about the sexual aspect of it, which helps take pressure off.... But I'm still going crazy with these intense feelings I feel. They are the feelings that end up hurting me.

I wonder if he'll read this. I wonder what he'll say if he does read it if anything. It was nice. We've talked the last two nites, first nite for like 3 hours, and last nite.. probably a total of two... or so... And he's not a phone person.. or a talker... he says. We hardly had silence. There were two or three. One was when I said... " I really like you, AJ..." and he replied, after a brief pause, " I like you too." then there was that silence. I was like... "Duh, Julie, What did you say that... its most likely obvious that you like him."

I just don't know what to think. He lives far away... well, like 2 1/2 hours, and if we do get along.. I worry about the distance. It sucks. He doesn't like that either. He's made that clear. I feel like, part of me, should just not worry about it, and whatever happens happens.. but I don't want to be with someone I care about and feel lonely at the same time. I like to be able to spend time with the one that I am with.

I'm not sure what else to say about him... I think he's amazing though. Sweet, sensitive, intelligent, likes quite a few things I like.. and all over an interesting guy. He says he's a "good" boy, and for the most part he seems to be, but there is one thing that, may make some thing he's not.... but I still think he may be one of the few that are still "nice guys".

I love his voice. He acts like he really likes me, and I love it. I'm scared though, what if he likes me more than I like him. What if I like him alot, which I do, and he doesn't recipricate... What if someone else, sweeps him off his feet? He seems to meet girls that don't appreciate him, just like the men I meet.

I think, regardless whether this goes any further than friends, we can help each other, and be there for one another, as friends, so we know there is someone that really cares about us.

Alive & Kicking

Still Alive folks, nothing to see here...
But an hour ago or so, there would of been a show.
Yeah I'm still alive, I survived the surgery,
healing slowly, but still making bad decisions
1. I decided to give CG another chance, it only took him.. like 2 days to fuck it up.
2. I went with this guy tonite, and hung out, and he put a gun to my head, and thought it was funny. He apoligized, but I'm still trying to figure out why he would do that. I didn't really think he'd hurt me, but I shouldn't of put myself in the position.
3. I'm still awake when I should be fucking sleeping.

More at a later date....

I miss you!!

I miss you and wonder how you are and how your weekend went?? I also wonder why it has been so long since you have posted in your blog??.......I love reading your thoughts, poems, stories, and daily happenings of your life! We, the people, kindly demand an update! LOL How are things going in general? And how are you feeling, throat-wise? =o) Let me know and let me know when you are going back to work! Love you and miss you!

Surgery

Tommorrow..
Nervous,
Anxious,
Nervous,
Anxious.....
Anxious.....
Worried....
Anxious....
Did I say Nervous???

Thats my problem.

My therapist today told me "STOP", you are exhibiting stalker like behaviours. You don't want CG, but you can't stop emailing his gf.. (ex) and saying things to him. I know its not right,and I love him, but I still want to kill him.

Talked to CJR last nite, most the nite, went back to sleep after taking the kids to school, and ended up changing my alarm or something and sleeping late and missing my class.

Also spoke with E today, and also MA, who is 22 and I think he wants to date me, no I know he wants to date me.

Anyway... life goes on. I just want friends. I'm tired of how i get in relationships.

Obsession & Addiction

One word for you:

MEN

If

I ever have time I'll finish my previous post.
I'm tired, no sleep, no life, noone that really wants to talk to me anymore. I hate that part. I hate not having attention. I know its not right or appropriate.. and i should be ok with being alone, but I'm not... I want someone to share things with.

School is hectic & I feel a bit depressed, although I like to stay busy.

I just want someone to hold me.. then drive me home right now..

Any volunteers????

Anger & Manic(ness)

Dunno how that's spelled but it looks shitty regardless. I wanted to start this so I don't forget what I want to write about.

1. CG

2. School

3. Men

4. Life

5. Sex

(to be continued)

I feel crazy...

I'm starting school on Monday. I went to withdraw but ended up getting what I wanted, more classes, and nice people to help me. I didn't get anything I wanted done today. Well that's a lie, I did laundry but asked Francis to hang it out. I hope he did. I have like 3 or 4 more loads to do this weekend. I won't have time after this to do it. BLAH. I'm glad I'm staying home, but I do enjoy being in DW's arms. I've conceited it won't amount to anything, and I feel bad, because I feel like I led him on. He is really sweet, just... I think that he's not confident in the fact that he is a good catch.

I talked to ELJH, last nite. I hadn't talked (chatted) with him since Christmas. He called me and we talked, or I did most the talking rather, but he listend to me ramble. He was supposed to call me today, in the daytime, but he didn't, but hopefully he will contact me. I got to see him on webcam, he's adorable. Last time I talked to him, he was weird about meeting people on the net, and now he seems open to the idea. It would be nice to at least see him.

Haven't heard from CG... but that is no loss. I apoligized to him for flipping out.

I'll be getting student loans which will help with my financial situation, I just hope it doesn't affect my bankruptcy. I'm getting sick of people telling me I'll lose my car, because all the laws I've seen, say I won't... as long as I make the payments. I have made a list of people I owe, I think I have about 30 people on that list so far.

I also got my allergy shot today. First time in weeks. I got my classes together. I just did my student loan papers. I went thru some paperwork on who I owe. And I called HartLeave to start the paperwork for my surgery. Now I'm here eating my dinner, and chilling, since its so quiet here. I hope it stays that way for the next few months (yeah right) so I can study while I'm here.

Both scared and anxious about my surgery. I hope all goes well. I can't wait to get all the bad stuff behind me and move on with my life.

School will help in the fact that I'll be getting my education and yet I will be able to stay away from the men in my life that aren't good for me.

I need to take more time for me... and quit worrying about stupid men.

Blah Men

I have too many men I write about, I can't even keep the initials I use for each straight. So if you get confused, don't worry.. so do I.

I spoke with CG today. I ended up flipping out on him. He finally admited to me... he slept with that girl Angela. He fucked her, says he used a condom, but whatever. He says.. all kinds of other stupid shit. I hate that his life is so sucky, but he apparently didn't really love me. Probably a few days after he fucked me, when I went over there when I was sick, he fucked her. What a dick. Says he's not ready for a relationship, and she knows that. But she posts on his myspace... and says.. " I love you forever, " and "I love you,boo, I hope we are together forever." he says he met her after he stopped talking to me, so.. whose the liar and whose the pyscho. He's the liar.. she's the pyscho... check this out..

The older I get, the more I try to keep valid documention. I can tell you almost every time I had sex with him, or anyone else in the last 2 years or so.

I can't tell you exactly when I started talking with him, because that is at my computer at home, but I will add it when I can find the date.

Saturday,
May 7, 2005 - we met, had been chatting for a few weeks (3 approximately I think)He had already told me he loved me, and I was starting to fall for him. I stayed with him at the hotel, and we made love. Thankfully things in regards to sex got better from there.

Thursday,
May 13, 2005 - I went down to Philly, picked up CG & and he came up and stayed the nite with me.

moving forward...

Monday,
May 30, 2005 - CG broke up with me. I suggested it, because I was confused about what he wanted, and he seemed to be secretive. He agreed, because he was planning to see his ex gf on that Wednesday, and I guess since he wouldn't officially be cheating.. he'd feel better about it. All because he told her, that they could "work on things" with their relationship. All because he couldn't be truthful with me.

Wednesday,
June 1, 2005 - He sees her, she's his gf, and they are "working on things"

Tuesday,
June 7, 2005 - I get my car tires, CG has been wanting me to come down since the weekend. I finally am able to since I got my new tires & I head down after work. He talks with me, and we make it official, and he says he's confused, and etc.. etc.. then I find out, about Cristina.. which I really didn't know about till just then. then we break up the next day.

This continues on, we see each other once or twice a week, for the next few weeks. Always have sex on each occurance. In the meantime I start dating others, since technically I am single. Only all I think about is CG.

Sunday,
June 19, 2005 - CG tells me he does want me, and he does know what he wants, and it is me, and that he just can't have me.

Tuesday,
June 21, 2005 - This nite after work I see CG... one of few times, we didn't have sex. I can't even recall what was the reason.

Saturday,
June 25th, 2005 - Got in a fight with CG, didn't talk to him for two days. This is really the first time, we didn't touch base for a while. I broke down on that next Monday (27th) and called him.

Tuesday,
June 28th, 2005 - Got upset with CG on the phone and hung up on him.

Friday,
July 1st, 2005 - Was in his arms again.

Saturday,
July 2nd, 2005 - He was supposed to go see her early in the morning with her mother, it was canceled. I headed home to take my daughter up to visit my family. I wanted to get back soon, so see him.

Sunday,
July 3rd, 2005 - I was sick as hell, because I went out drinking with my mom last nite and got bombed. All I thought about was my time off work, and wanting to be in his arms. I head home, sick as hell, couldn't eat or drink anything, and tired as hell. About an hour into the trip I pull over and go to sleep. I had called CG last nite and professed my love to him and asked him to marry me. I called him half way home, and he didn't really want to talk to me, and was upset. Told me that I shouldn't come down, it wasn't a good idea. I told him, I couldn't be alone, and pretty much didn't tel him I was coming down anyway. I showed up, we talked, made love, he was mad at me, but I agreed with him, because that is what he wanted, that we wouldn't talk on the phone or see each other again, but only email if we needed to.

Monday,
July 4th, 2005 - He got a call last nite, and he's going to see her. He let me sleep in cuz I was feeling so sick. I was nosy and snooped around, and then left.

Wednesday,
July 6th, 2005 - So much for the agreement, I am in his arms again.

Fast forward.... a few months.... (fill you in with this later)

Sunday,
August 28th, 2005 - I write in my notebook, how I'm confused about his actions. Friday, I had a big fight with him, and was abusive. I am not that type of person. I met someone the next day, and stayed the nite with him. I didn't sleep with him, but I did tell CG about it. He's acting needy, and I can't figure out why. He's practically begging me to come down, and I refuse because of my appointments and training, and that Darian is coming home. I tell him I'll come later in the week.

Wednesday,
August 31st, 2005 - I feel sick, tonsils are swallow, and sick. I throw up when my car is at the garage. I call CG. I was supposed to see him. I tell him I am supposed to go to work, but I can't. I want to be at his house resting. He has to work. He allows me to come down, but tells me his ex-wife is there, and he wants to make sure there are no conflicts. I tell him all i want to do is sleep till he gets there. I rest, talk to him a few times, from his job. I throw up some more, eat a bit of soup, and throw up some more. Then I recover a bit and ask him if he wants picked up from work. He asked if I a fever and I said i wasn't sure, he told me to rest. I then got all hyper and picked up his bedroom a bit, then I snooped some more. I read a letter from Cristina, where she talked about their trip to Puerto Rico.. and some other things.. on how she couldn't wait to be out in May. He came home, took care of me, held me, and comforted me. I was feeling a bit better, we made love.. and cuddled and went to sleep. At some point we were talking and he asked me details of what happened with the guy I met over the weekend. He asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. I hesitated but said yes. He told me not to be embarassed and it was ok. He finished to be loving and didn't seem to mind.

He tells me he is going out of town for the holiday weekend, and leaving on Sunday to see an old college friend. Not sure when we talk next, but it was either Wednesday or Thursday nite. After that, he disappears. Doesn't answer my calls, or my emails, at some point a woman answers his phone. I think it was Sunday or Monday nite ( the 4th or 5th) he leaves me an offline message saying "I'm sorry I'm no longer available, I found a wonderful woman and I'm persueing a serious long-term relationship with her."

On myspace.com his profile is updated to show "in a relationship"

I call him on
Thursday,
September 15th, 2005 - I tell him I'm pregnant, he can't believe it but barely asks me a question. He is nice, but tells me I'd of never let go. I know as well I wouldn't have. So I asked, do you have a gf, or did you just tell me that. He told me that he told me that so I would let go. HE LIED.

I check hotornot- and see some comments on his page. Sept 7th- " I LOVE YOU FOREVER" & Sept 13th (i think)" I LOVE YOU, BOO! I HOPE WE STAY TOGETHER FOREVER"

WTF!!!

I get pissed, for him at lying to me again. And I write her a nice email. So nice he calls me Saturday evening screaming at me.

Today,
Wednesday,
September 21st, 2005

I talk to CG, nicely at first, then I get angry. He admits he has sex with her. (think I said this in an earlier post) he denies the small period of time between me and her, and he knows she is in love with him, but says the same thing he does to me.. " i make no promises.. blah blah blah"

What a dick. I've wasted too much time typing this.. and i'm supposed to be working.

Slut

Things are so messed up. I got my heart broke, AGAIN. Then I become slutty, again. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

I have a theory... I look at the BPD diagnoses, and knowing I was never like that when I was diagnosed, although I do have sex too early in the relationship, every man at that point I had been with, I was in love with, and dated.

Shortly after that I became slutty. Then settled down, got my heart broke, and the cycle started over again. I think this is the third cycle. I'm letting myself become what someone said I am. I let myself become my diagnosis. Its sad, but I believe it to be true.

I slept with MB, then started dating DW, and slept with him as well. I then, was told by DW, that if I was horny.. i should go sleep with my bf across town, so he could satisfy me, since he couldnt' be there. It hurt, I cried, and MB called me, and I went over to be with him. No intentions to have sex, although I knew he'd want me, and one thing led to another. DW forgave me, and we worked things out. Sunday nite, he made me promise I would not go over to MB's house alone. I promised. I broke my promise, and MB called me.. and I told him, I wasn't going to sleep with him, and he said he wouldn't try to get me to do that, he didn't want to damage my relationship. He asked me to bring him some food though, so I did. I told DW about it, and now he broke up with me. So I can decide what I want to do. After I see MB again to get my money back, and he said, " we will see what happens and go from there." I don't think honestly he will take me back. And its something that I don't know that I deserve... his forgiveness. But, in the back of my head, I keep thinking, he's not the one I want to build my future with.

I want more.

He's a great guy though, sweet and kind. He holds me, has cooked for me, and adores my daughter. I love him. I don't want to be alone.

And that is my problem. I want to be with whoever wants to be with me, as long as they meet some of my standards. I look past alot of their flaws, and accept them as they are, faults and all. That apparently makes me a bad person. I make bad decisions, and it sucks.. because they are mostly about sex. I love sex.

And as T. reminded me not too long ago, I confuse sex with love, and it is true. I truely do.

I keep telling myself to be more cautious. Someone close to me, a good friend, someone I love, whose life I care about as much as my own. She was recently diagnosed with HIV, although she still has to go to the CDC, and get all that verified, I am hoping and praying for her sake, that its some sort of mistake. If she really does have it. I don't believe there is a god. If there is, and I'm mistaken, he's fucking sick as hell. I feel like there is no hope in the world. Good things always seem to happen for bad people, and good people just get fucked over.

All I wish, is for happiness for everyone.

Life Sucks...

Then you die,hopefully, or get hit by a truck.

Not really, but I thought that sounded funny.

My life is chaotic. I told CG that I was pregnant last nite. DW and I got into another fight. He hung up on me, and wouldn't talk. I went for a drive, went shopping, and talked to CG for a few minutes. Got hit on at the stoplight on my drive, from some drunk guy, asking me to hang out with him. MB ( I think that's what I've been calling him)... called me back last nite, I wanted to talk to him about STD's and stuff. He professed he wanted to see me, but he's not lookin for a LTR, and is afraid he will become attached. He was sweet though and wanting to see me. I'm currently dating DW though, so that complicates things. Can't believe CG, actually called me back. He told me he didn't really have a gf, but that he did that because I would never let go. He told me he loved me and did care, but his life was too much of a mess and he was losing his job soon. I found out on his profile on myspace that he most likely lied to me about the gf, because there is a girl named Angela on there that said, " I love you, " & then... "I hope you and I are together forever, I love you boo" or something to that effect. He's a creep, I'm hating him and loving him at the same time, and it kills me. I've moved on, and I don't want him in any part of my life at this time.

I realized, my reasoning behind wanting to be with him, is my wanting to help him. We could help each other. I could help his financially, and with his children, and he could help me with my mental health issues, and my fiancial problems because we could share expenses. Things are easier when you have two people working towards the same goal. I want to be married. I want a husband. I want a family. I just need to realize it takes time, and the crackers I meet currently are not suitable husbands. I need a strong man to take care of me, but one that is not afraid to be taken care of himself.

And yet, T., I've still not heard from him. I'm sure now he's busy preparing with the band, they have a gig on Sunday. Wish I could go, but alas, I can't. I wish he would IM me or email me, he drives me nuts. I wonder about him alot. I could really use a friend right now.

Mostly cuz I need someone to talk to. My bf isn't much of a talker, and it sucks. I have Lisa, and she helps greatly, she makes sure I don't feel alone. I hope I help her with the same. My other co habitators are having some health and other problems, and its hard for me to deal with. I'm having financial problems, but finally getting my bankruptcy started. I have two traffic tickets, I'm paying on, and I'd like to slap myself in the head for. I can't pay my rent or afford the place I live. I have so much paperwork to do this weekend.

Well back to work.. its fun today... our systems are down...
WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!

DW....

I spent time with him last weekend, well on the holiday last Monday. Then Saturday I headed up to see him, and Darian and I spent the nite up there.. in Wilkes Barre or Kingston... whatever it is called.

I started falling for him before I even went up there this weekend. He's been so sweet and supportive... and caring about all I've been going thru. I haven't let him in on alot of it... but.. I did tell him about the stupid men in my life, and he said he wanted to be with me.... but he wasn't going to interfere. He knew I was in love with CG, and didn't want to intrude... I guess.

Saturday night... and in a way I knew this would happen, we made love. I say we made love because I have loving feelings for him. I know he does for me. Sometime last week, he said.. "Luv You" online, but I wasn't sure how to take it. Most of the weekend, we didn't talk about anything important.. just cuddled, and watched movies.. and played with Darian. So when I got home, I had some things I really wanted to talk about, although... I wasn't sure... how to say them. So we talked online, I got it all out... and I asked him if he wanted to be with me.. and he was like.. of course... but.. I was confused because he didn't say anything over the weekend. I kept asking him if he wanted to see me next weekend, and he's like... "you have an open invitation..." I was like... "thats not what I want to hear..., my question had a yes or no answer.." so like a smart ass.. he says.... "yes or no", I giggle and replied " I want the answer to my question to be yes.. " so he answers... "yes" I made me laugh.

I told him how I felt last nite, and he was like.. what about that other guy. I told him again, as I had before... that I can't be with that guy, because its not good for me. It's not healthy, and all he's done is hurt me. I don't deserve that. So I pretty much asked him, was he going to ask me to be his girfriend.. ( Yes I feel like I'm in 7th grade again... lol) And he was like..." I want to be with you, but... I have a problem.... all my relationships, since my daughter's mother... have never lasted more than 3 months." This seemed to be a big concern with him... (although about a month ago, he said.. we'd be married in a year... ) I told him I wasn't concerned about that.. and that if we didn't give it a try, we wouldn't know. He agreed, and as of yesterday, we are officially dating. Going up there next weekend as well.

The weekend after, T. said he wanted to come down.. tenitively.. anyway... so I'll keep my schedule open... I just am not sure how DW feels about this.. and before... I was a bit worried... about how I would feel when I saw T. again. I know I love him, but our time has passed, and nothing has really changed in our lives, as far as priorities... and he's not made any attempt to let me know he wants me... So I leave it like that. I don't know that I'd ever want to get back with him, under any of the current circumstances.... although I do, and always will love him... and would love to just see him outside my door.. on my stairs... and have him wrap his arms around me.. and wrap my arms around him. That was one of my favourite things. I miss him, as my friend, the guy that cheered me up, and made me laugh, when I was soooo soooo suicidal and depressed. He helped me thru alot. I just hope he realizes it. The only thing that has changed in my life, ( and i'm not sure if anythings changed in T's life- he's not too talkative about it), is that I'm healthier, mentally.. and a bit physically.... and I'm stronger than ever. I'm growing, and learning new things about myself, and my life and what I want...and need.

I enjoy DW, because when I'm there with him, or talking to him on the phone, although he is very mellow, and not as talkative as me... I'm calm, relaxed, and I forget about my problems.... I can't think of one person.. that really has that effect on me, without trying to really relax me. I'm always stressed out, and upset about something. But for this weekend... I played with Darian... had him hold me in his arms.. and we watched movies... and enjoyed Darian and all her funniness. We kissed, we cuddled, and Sunday I fell asleep in his arms, watching my favourite movie. He made us breakfast Sunday morning... sausages, and pancakes.... It rather impressed me.. I wasn't expecting it. Darian said the pancakes tasted funny, I thought they were good. I told him I appreciated it.. and he was like..."it was nothing..... you would of done the same.." which is true, but that is me. I'm not used to someone who would recipricate... for me.

Anxious

About T. coming over. I stayed up too late last nite, and worked my ass off then, and this morning, cleaning up my room. It was a pig sty. Still a unorganized mess, but at least there is floor space, a empty garbage can, and a clean litter box. (for my psycho cat- Phoenix)

She is awesome by the way, but really needy and crazy. She jumps up on me all the time, tries to help me type on the computer, and thinks she should follow me anywhere, and sleep on my head sometimes.

I'm still upset about CG, but starting to deal with reality. I knew he was bad for me in the beginning, and yet I continued to waste my money, going down there to see me. Not that he never did anything for me... but... there was inequality. I love him, I really do... but I knew from the beginning or near the beginning, we wouldn't be together... ( his choice).

I feel like I never have a choice in the relationship. Its always what they want.. and my needs are disregarded. That is one reason CG intriged me so. In bed, it was all about what I wanted... at least 99% of the time... It was .. "what do you want.. "- "what do you need? " & he tried all the kinky stuff I wanted him to do, things most guys would think I was fucking weird about. He loved my pussy, what can I say. Maybe that is all he really loved.

I guess the biggest reason I'm upset is because I can't determine whether he is just lying to me, because he thinks its best for me... to get over him, and he needed to step out of my life.. or if he really did start seeing someone seriously. If he did.. it makes me hate him... because he told me part of why we couldn't be together is because he needed to get his shit straight.. and he couldn't give the time a serious relationship deserved. But then I keep wondering.. did he end up back with one of his ex's.... because he hid that from me... He hid the fact that she came over.. from me.. even though supposedly nothing went on.. They went to a meeting.. I'm assuming.. AA or NA.. and then... she went to get her nails done.. then supposedly went home.. Somewhere in there. he took pictures of her..

That pisses me off too.. when my sister and I were with him, he took tons of pictures.. and I want them. And I probably will never get them.. because I don't think he will be talking to me anytime soon. I hate men.. sometimes...

But I still will always love him. He has a piece of my heart, despite the fact that he shredded it up, and threw it away... its still not back to me... hopefully one day I can give another piece of my heart.

My aunt was bitching at me.. saying .. " oh. trying to impress T. by cleaning your room.. " I was like "no"... she's like why do you do this.. he was mean to you, and tormented you.. ( or something similar i dont remember what words she used).. and I was like.. "no he didn't" and she said... " why did you sit in your room crying all the time?" ----- DUH.. because I was hurt. He only purposely hurt me once, and I would like to believe that was because he was hurting... because it is something I would do, and have done.. when someone hurt me....

Either way.. I'm working on me again, and hopefully I can stop any stupid men from getting in my way....

Blah...

Stupidity & Confusion

I hate men... or I think I do, or I do at least temporarily...
They confuse me. I always want something more, something no one can give me, not even myself. I feel stupid because of it.

I'm so confused about my actions lately. I'm so confused about CG,and some of the other guys I've been seeing.

I need help. I need someone to talk to. I had a good weekend, despite feeling sick, and being sick, and now its coming to a close, I have to face reality. And it sucks.

Been missing ya..............

Yep, it's true! =o) It seems weird you haven't called in the past few days. I know I am not around most of the time when you call but still........makes me think of you and wonder how you are doing........I just went to your MySpace and looked around.........and saw T's blog.......and his ongoing saga with, it seems, 959 different Jens! LOL Aside from the fact that I have absolutely nothing in common with the guy, I utterly adore his writing style. Witty, uses big words, very intelligent and intellectual, and, best of all, makes fun of stupid people! =o)
Anyways, I hope you are doing okay with your saga consisting of CG and M........or whatever the fuck you call him on here.............=o) Love you and miss you! TTYS!

Don't think its Supposed to be like This

I don't think it is. I had therapy today, and I feel worse. I hate myself, and the stupid choices I make, or choose not to make. I hate my neediness, and I felt really suicidal and sat there comtemplating what choices I had left in my life. I'm away from the suicidal notions right now, but still stressed out.

CG, thinks.. I'm dissing him for the new guy... I don't know that I gave him a name or talked about him yet, but lets call him... MB - he called me last nite, wanting to see me, even though I've told him.. I won't have sex with him, but I stayed the night with him Saturday nite, him being almost a complete stranger. I take risks... too many...sometimes, but I realize, its only when I devalue my life. I hate it, and wish most times I was dead, so I figure if someone were to kill me, it would help the world. There would be one less fuckup.. responsible for the death and destruction of earth. Plus I'd be able to give my daughter, money .. she wouldn't have otherwise. I'm worth more dead than alive.

This new guy.. is damn hot.. but I'll shut up, I don't have time to talk about him right now.

I feel like shit, my throat is sore, I think I'm getting a cold or a sinus infection... and scared/excited about getting my tonsils out.. trying to make sure I can live losing 3-4 days pay... but the thing is.. depending on how I'm feeling I can be off 7 more weeks, and still get paid 100% of my salary.. (no bonuses though ... :( )

Well I got to get back to work...

Choices

Something everyone has every day.
I made some bad ones.

I flipped out on CG, I screamed and yelled, and in most neighborhoods, it would of caused a scene and the whole neighborhood would be watching, I grabbed his nuts, and told him he was an asshole. I cried, and felt so hopeless, watching what little faith I had in him disappear into a giant hole. I even whipped my keys at him, he kept telling me he was done with this, he even walked away from me, but did everything but walk into the house.

My first mistake, knowing I was upset, and getting a screwdriver anyway. I know better than that, but I've been thinking suicidal and haven't been caring. I've been looking for ways to end my life. This isn't what I want... but it is what I feel. I'm afraid. I never to stay strong. For me, for my daughter, & for the people that love me.

His choice, is that he choses to be alone. That in a way, is why he choses her, he wants to help her, but yet again, he knows she will leave him. (well, imho, when she is done using him...) She's young, and stupid and has an addiction that I'm sure she's not ready to give up. Its totally fucked up.

I realized alot when he made that simple statement to me. Julie, well, I think its like this, I think that I will be alone, because maybe I choose to be alone. The more I thought about it, the more it felt true. The more it made things simpler. Either way, I know I can find better, I just don't know why I don't realize this.

One thing that pisses me off, is that he's so secretive, and he's like.. we aren't dating, but it wouldn't matter even if we were.... he was that way when we were together. Thing is, he's always asking about my dates, and this and that... and I tell him because I am an open person, and he basically gives me love advice..( I asked him about this, and he says, he wants me to find someone to make me happy, and because he wants to make sure I'm going out with the right type of guy) He tells me I need to be strong. I don't get it...does he treat me like this, and be so supportive and encouraging to the women in his life.. that "supposedly" need him. I don't hear him telling them, they shouldn't involve themselves with such losers.. or just be strong, pull yourself together.. etc.. etc.. It is what pisses me off more.

This morning, I couldn't bare it any longer, I had to call him and tell him he's an asshole. I made him ( yes.. i wouldn't leave till he promised me) promise to talk to me tonite, because i was a big mess, and feeling suicidal... and wanted to self injury. He promised to call me... and didn't, so of course I'm upset. It seems I'm the exception to all his "rules". Anyway... I called and told him what I though of him..... ASSHOLE... fuck him and his promises..

I still love him and always will..

I made it thru last nite alone. I tried to call a few people and noone was around. I cut. I'm disappointed in myself, but it makes the suicidal feeling go away.... which helps, and I feel better today, despite.

I am fucking tired though, and currently at work.. have to work in ten minutes.... so for now.. I'm off..

Producer's Accident & Health

I passed my test. I got an 82% - not anywhere near perfect, but it doesn't need to be. All I needed was a 70% to pass. Now hopefully in the next few months, my license will go thru, and I will be able to take Florida calls, and be eligible for a bigger bonus.

Someone on Saturday nite decided to pick up a huge piece of cement from a broken sidewalk, and put it thru my back window of my car. They didn't steal anything. I'm so upset. I still don't know what to do. I have no money for the deductible. My gram won't let me borrow any because I already have borrowed money. My aunt just told me two other white cars got smashed up and broken into within a few block radius of my house. One was this lady we see walking her dog... her son, got his windows smashed, as well as another white car, and both got their stereos' jacked. I didn't... my faceplate was in the house...

Tomorrow I get a rent a car... and luckily only have to put down a 50 dollar deposit which hopefully will still be in my account tomorrow...

I hope I make it thru this.

I miss CG. Last nite... he was so sweet and loving... he helped me thru my rage and anger... I wish we could be together... we love each other so much...

Still...

Upset... and hurting, things are going better, although I feel like blowing my head off lately... seems to be something that is going around.

I'm really scared lately... I'm glad my sis is around, cuz I'm not dealing well with everything.

CG, my sis met him, thinks he's nice, cute.. etc... and then I think about how much I love & want him, and I cry. He's struggling, and I can't do anything.... I just want to help, I want to hold him and kiss him....

T, I still love him and always will, and as much as I'm glad he's found someone it still hurts... and I get these strange feelings from him lately (what little contact I have had)... and I wish I could help him.

And this new guy, DW, I'll call him, met him, he's nice, seems sweet, took me to movies and to eat.. we cuddled, kissed... and he aroused me, but at the same time knows I'm not looking for sex, and is ok with that.

I realized that I'm very shallow, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, or move on. I've went on some other dates as well, which apparently they didn't really like me.... like that.. or something..

The new friend I talked about in the most recent post... well I have a big crush on him, but he alas is married, and I'm already feeling too many feelings for him. I can't stand how I fall for men.. especially men that can't be there, I fall for men that are absent from my life...

I know... 12 years of therapy would only tell me, that... it stems from my childhood, what a shame, that so much time was wasted.

Better

Starting to feel better...
First after I sliced my leg, three times... not deep, but too deep to pass as cat scratches like the two on my arm...
And
Second, I made a new friend. I'll call him, DA- He's sweet, and nice to talk to...
Alas, he's married, but separated, has two children, and is in the military... He seems very caring as well.

That and since the nite I cried my eyes out, CG, has been really following thru on calling me and such. Its wierd for that to happen.... I'm not used to it. He actually called me from his home number last nite as well, after he told me I couldn't have it. I love him... I truely do, I just wish I could move on, I need to, for my health's sake, for my future, for my saneness....

Tears & Irritability

Stressed out, been teary eyed, mostly since Friday. Sally wants to make excuses that my being pissed Sunday has to do with me going to CG's Saturday nite. But I came home and got lots of sleep. CG, knows whats going on, I've been late on my meds Saturday and Sunday... Today I will make sure I take them on time. I don't think that is it though. I think it is alot of other things, CG, included that weigh on my mind daily. Francis is pissing me off, always throwing my things away.. and fucking with them. I wish Sally would just get rid of him. Its fucked up. She tells me how bad CG is for me, and she can't get rid of Francis, or quit enabling his behaviours.. its fucked up. Least CG, to some extent, makes me happy, with the exception of that one day, he treats me like a queen, makes love to me each time like its the first, and always does his best to please me. He's loving when he knows I'm hurt, he holds me.. when I need to be held. He acts stupid and tries to get me to laugh, when he knows it would be a good distraction. He tries to get me to focus on my priorities....

Lately, he knows I don't want to let go, but he tries to come up with reasons, I should stay away from him... He's like... I'm selfish, I'm a jerk, I smoke..... I wouldn't be good for you. Its just I keep telling myself, I'd dump him anyway down the road, so.. that because I don't even get a chance, I won't feel so bad. It really sucks. I love him so much. I love being in his arms, i love holding him... I love laying my head on his chest. I love running my fingers across his skin.... i love the way he touches me, I love the way he kisses me.... I love how attractive he is.. i love when he makes me smile, I love when he is silly.. I love how she says " I know," sometimes when I tell him I love him, because he likes to give me a hard time. I love how he kisses me, I love just sleeping next to him.

I just wish I had a chance to show him.... how things could be.

Dial Up

Back to dial up, temporarily.. . Can't wait to get dsl, I don't care if it is slower than cable, it has to be better than dial up. We have to catch up on our verizon bill, first. I returned the cable modem today... blah..

Started talking to this guy.. today.. TC, he's from Jamaica, and hot as hell, seems sweet as well. We will talk tommorrow, he seems cool.. we will see.

My heart still aches for CG. I wish I could deal with letting go, but I can't... and he doesn't seem to be able to either...

Darian will be home tonite, can't wait to see her, and hug her and hold her.

I'm getting licensed for Florida/Pennsylvania.. . I'm so damn excited. I work days for the next two weeks, and have training. Plus bonus is better for that too, up to 300 a month. This month I get a 200 dollar bonus. I need that money sooo fucking bad. My cat, cost me 70 dollars at the vet, and I have to take her back in a few weeks.

She doesn't seem to like the organic litter I got, that ticks me off... i like it, it smells good, and is better for the environment....

My cat is still damn crazy, always scratching me.. but, she's still the sweetest little thing, in the world.

My sister had surgery, I hope all is well with her, she's in a lot of pain.

My Day with CG

Spent Tuesday with him. It was mostly untolerable. I almost just left 3 times without saying anything. I tried to resist the urge... but it was hard. I knew if I left I'd just end up leaving, crying, and probably hurting myself. I couldn't do that to myself.

First, he tells me to come sometime after nine, because he won't be up before that. I'm like.. ok fine, even though I don't want to deal with traffic. I think I get there after 11 or so, and I try to open the door, its locked, so I try to call his cell, no answer, so I knock,(before I got there I had to pee... SOOO bad).. So I call again, and again.. knock, walk around back, and try to see if you can go in the back way.. (his room is in the back of the house) I call again.. go back to the front porch... and try to ring these things that look like doorbells, and I give up.. pissed as hell. I run down to Burger King, before I piss myself... get in there, and the bathroom is the nastiest shit in the world, the one has piss and stuff all over it.. and the other, it looks like someones shoe with mud.. I wipe the toilet seat off.. with tp, and then put some more tp on the seat.. and relieve myself. I was hungry, but after that... I was just disgusted, and refused to eat there.. blah.

Then I call him again, and he's like... oh... and doesn't apoligize when I say anything to him... and was like.."did you ring the doorbell?" I'm like.. "yeah" and he realizes its not workin right. I was soo pissed. Then he pretty much ignores me... which pisses me off more. I hate that shit.

Then.. throughout the day, he just does little annoying stuff... and doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that I came there to help him, and that I did want some lovin's... which he hardly gave me. I was so frustrated and annoyed.

Then, he gets me, him, and his family, water ice, which was good... but.. then comes out to eat his with me.. and his brother ( i think) calls him in... and he's like watch this for me.. I do.. but 15 minutes later, sitting in the sun, burning up, I start to get annoyed. I call him on his cell, and he says..just a minute.. I'll be out... ten minutes later.. he still doesn't come out.. Its almost time for my meds, so I take off to the store, and call him back... to let him know.. and he doesn't answer. Grr.. And I call him back when I get back, and I sit in my car in the a/c. He comes out, at one point, and doesn't even bother to call back or say anything to me... So I get out, and go over by the house.. and he's by the house.. again. (after he dissappeared).. and was on the phone.. then made excuses about.. I'm on the phone.. etc.. I'm like, that is fucking rude, to leave me outside for over twenty-five minutes. (He could of at least invited me in) ASSHOLE. He apoligizes... but yet...

Does it again.. leaves me down in the basement, while he is upstairs... with nowhere to sit, and nothing to do, and he wonders why I snoop?? what the fuck. He apoligizes again, but continues to act like an asshole.

At one point I backhand him in the chest, and hurt him.. because he said to the dog, " its ok Kiera, she drives different than I do..." I took it as an insult, so we had this big discussion about how my driving was fine, it was just different than his...

I told him several times thru the day, he was being a jerk, and an asshole.. and at several points he apoligized... and said he was sorry, and even told me he appreciated me helping him out, when I told him.. that I came here to help him, and he was being disrespectful, and rude. I didn't ask him for anything. I came down there, because he invited me.. made plans with me.. (not to help him move his pets, but to make love) and when he said he needed help, i told him that was fine... I'd help... I also had to buy my own dinner... he provided me with water ice, and then water... (but he also told me at one point to go to the store, it was on sale- that was fucking rude)... I even helped him fold his clothes.

I told him... again he was a jerk, and he said he was always like that.. I said. that he never acted like that around me.. and he stated.. "how often do you usually spend the whole day with me..." which is true, since the beginning of us dating, we've only spend a few, maybe 5 or 6 actual days together. The day we met, the day after we met, I remember one day I came down to Philly, and offhand.. I can't think of any specific instances...

We ended up talking, and it turned out good. I'm still hurt, but I know in the end, even if he chose me, I'd end up hurting him. I'd leave him, I can't tolerate his shit. I can't tolerate how he is with the kids, or his lack of cleanlyness habits. I really hope him and Cristina can be happy, although he says its not about him being happy... which I find to be BS.

I told him how much it hurts me the things he says.. (when we are making love and otherwise.. ) Things like, " I am all yours", " you are exactly the type of woman I want to marry", "This feels so good, so right," " I love being with you, you make me so happy", "being with you feels so good", "I wish things could be different," " I wish I'd met you first"....

I'm almost crying as I write this, and if I was at home, and not at work I wouldn't be holding back. I love him, with all my heart.. but I believe relationships are built on communication and trust, neither of which we have enough of.....

I do feel better after our talk, but then we made love, which was fucking incredible... but he said.. that that had to be the last time...

Blade

As the blade cuts across my skin...
A thin red line, becomes visible,
Its barely noticable, at first,
Its very very thin...

More blood comes out,
I slide it across my skin, again...
I feel the comfort it brings,
Calming, relaxing, what a shameful thing.

Guilt comes thru,
My blade again, cuts the skin..
Another line,
Another sin.



No, I haven't cut, but I came really close... Last nite, as I walked past one of the barrels in my house.. (one that Francis is shipping to Africa), I spot some new shaving blades, four to be exact, I pick one up, it looks clean, and i hang on to it, as I gather my things and go upstairs. I go in the bathroom, thinking of the relief this will give me. I clean the blade and go up to my room. I sit it on the table as I boot up my computer and sit down to relax. I try not to look at the blade, as I go about my email, and my chatting. I think about CG, and the pain I feel about all this. I think about how alone I am. I think about being a bad mother. I think about all my problems and all my faults. I cry. I think about the blade, I resist the tempation, and distract myself with my hot or not account. Cute men, always emailing me. Always looking for sex or fun. I have hopes that, one will, tickle my fancy, and be looking for a serious relationship or a meaningful friendship. I'm looking for someone to give me attention. Attention, I've never really had. It all sucks. I'm so frustrated... and hate that I'm so fucked up.

Men & Their Caves..

Really tired of men that have caves. What good do they do???? really?? Ok.. I'm a woman, supposedly I wouldn't understand... whatever...

Finally heard from CG last nite, He didn't really explain anything to me... just frustrated me more. He's having a rough time, and won't explain anything to me, its just frustrating.. this is the first communication I've had since Sunday morning, its so freaking upsetting..

He can't handle my sadness, my moodswings.... Noone can handle me.. I don't how I'll ever be stable with my mood. As much as I try nothing works, and it all points towards relationships. I need to stay away from men. CG, is empathic, as am I, and other people's moods effect mine, and he can't handle mine.... I feel like he hates being around me anyway...

And at this point, he doesn't really seem to want to be around me anyway... because he has too much going on....... He doesn't want my help.

Negatory

Is that a word? Either way.. its the word I'm thinking of.
As days go by, I get angrier and angrier at him. He's not called, and hasn't taken my calls either. Curse that fucking caller ID.

I can't figure out why he's not talking to me. Unless he reads this, but I doubt he even takes the fucking time. I really don't think I matter to him, anymore..

He still didn't explain to me.. about the whole.. letter he wrote her, and because he lied to me, I'm wondering if he even did. After he lied to me, I doubt anything that comes out of his mouth.

His text message, he still won't explain to me, I wrote him an email Sunday nite, and no response, nor... anything... ( I wrote a poem too)...

I've given my heart to him, and he's taken it, chewed it up, swallowed it, and shit it out all over the place. It kills me...

So why do I care if he ever talks to me again??? I love him. I had hope. I'm stupid. I'm ignorant. Apparently I love men that can't commit and that hurt me. I love men, that are "unavailable", either physically, mentally or emotionally.

He wants her, and has made that clear. He told me for now I am his though. And I'm not, she will always be his priority, and I can't compete with that...

I'm much better than to even try to compete with her. I feel she's worthless. She's a user, of people and drugs. She has a non-compliant attitude, and seems to feel that being in jail should give her something. My opinion- from the letters I read, when I was being nosy.

I'm still pissed.. because he said... "I still want to know, why you feel you have a right to be nosy" , it floored me... because I don't feel I have a right, I just want to know. I don't hide things from him, but all he has done, and continues to do, is hide things from me. I talked to my therapist about this, and she stated, "well you guys are sleeping together, aren't you?" and I replied, "YES".. and she said.. "that gives you some right."

Oh well, either way, he's either mad at me or he's decided to try to step away. I know he has a busy week, but... he would of had time to call, if he wanted. It just really fucks me off, he's doing it this way. We both have been really immature when we are fighting.

I have alot of growing up to do.

Weekend Wonderment

What a weekend, not bad, not good.... kind of a medium, happy medium.. if that makes any sense.. (which it doesn't)...

Friday nite.. who but CG, asks me to come down. At work we text, and he says.. "yeah we can talk".. and then.. thinks I'm going to call him. He calls. like a bit after 11:30 or so, then I go to Walmart... etc.. then about 3 in the morning.. after us argueing and making up, he asks me to come down.. and I freaking do... Stupid stupid..stupid.. (slams my head against the wall)...

I got up early, took him to work, and then... headed home to get ready to meet AG, (apple guy- he works for apple)... It was wierd/nice.. I think I could learn alot from him, but I'm not sure how much fun I'd actually be.. for him. I loved when he showed me the dreamweaver stuff, and his apple computer, and chit chatting with him, but ... I don't know that he found anything about me interesting. We met at B & N, chit chatted a bit, went back and looked at the movies there.. then went to the mall to Suncoast (great store, btw)... and looked at movies for a long time... At times there.. a little boring, but the Anime movies were cool, as well as I found my all time favorite movie, The Village of the Damned... That was exciting, also found a disk (17 hours) of one of my favourite tv shows, Earth 2. Couldn't afford that one though. He's sweet, always opens doors.. etc.. HE bought me dinner, we went to this local place and had cheesesteaks, which were very big.. but very good as well. BOnus points as well because they served Pepsi.



To be continued....

CG & Her

Last night, after CG told me to call him(after work). I talked to him at my 9 o'clock break, which turned long, because I couldn't quit crying.

Well, after... I try to call him he doesn't answer, and he doesn't answer and he doesn't answer. I couldn't really figure out what was wrong.

I logged onto myspace.com, and saw a message from him... He replied to something I replied to him about a post of "getting laid". I said.. something to the effect... " Good Luck on that, your bitch won't be around for 10 more months." He wrote back, saying this is the meanest thing I've ever said to him. Apparently I hurt him, and this is why he didn't want to talk to me.

So I continue to state to the fact that I think its wrong he tries to get back with her, and can't be honest with her about his life, before she popped back in. Its not fair to her, or to me. It makes me feel like shit, that I never mattered, and that I wasn't important. He told me he wrote her a letter about it, and I wonder what he really said to her, how honest he was with her, and what detail he went into with her...

Meow....

I got a kitty today, at the animal shelter.. I went with a kitten, because I fell in love with her. I wish I was home with her, I hope she's not getting into trouble.

We also had a division meeting here, and I got an award, as well as a Hartford beach towel, hat, beach ball, and little radio. This was for outstanding performance. I'm doing a major turnaround,and I'm really happy about it.

I've fucked up my checkbook, which really sucks. I'm already over my amount I should spend, and I have ten more days till payday. I want to get new insurance, so I'm debating if I should wait another month. I really can't afford to. I can write a check, and just hope that it goes thru from my bank. I guess that depends on if they let me write a check... and etc. I'll call the lady either tommorrow or Friday.

We will see..

Now I need to name my cat. THey had Veronica on the card, but she's still little... Thinking about Phoenix.

I wrote a poem to CG, the other day, haven't really talked to him since. I did briefly, but I didn't get anywhere, and he didn't call last nite to talk. I'm trying not to call him, not sure how successful I'll be though. I want to go down to PetSmart with him, so that I can get some stuff for my kitty, and get a discount. I saw lots of stuff there last weekend, I want to get for my baby... :)

Dates suck...

Went out with KH, I thought we had a nice time. We just watched movies at his place, it got late, and I was tired, and we both kind of fell asleep. He didn't hit on me or anything... but.. I ended up staying. I slept in his bed. We didn't have sex or anything, mostly he just held and caressed me. It was nice... but the next day.. he was weird about things..

He decided that he didn't want to do anything, that he just wanted to hang out at his house. He played computer games, while I watched some tv, and slept on the couch... for some reason I was extremely tired. I hung out for a while, and then decided I'd go see CG, since he'd be off work soon. He was surprised to see me, but then we talked about my date... he said.... things turned out like they did, cuz I didn't give KH any. He didn't really try .. anyway.. but I wouldn't have anyway. I don't believe in haveing more than one sexual partner at once. And CG, just happens to be mine. I stayed the nite with CG, Saturday nite, and went home Sunday after I took him to work.

Sunday nite, S came over, and we watched a movie. (well half of it) and then watched my Sunday nite shows. We cuddled a bit, and talked about my ex's and life. He still seems so sweet, and part of me wishes I could give him what he needs. He's too nice to me, although he knows we won't be dating. We plan on hanging out most of next weekend, cuz his parents are out of town. Hopefully it will be nice.. so we can swim in the pool. He dj's at clubs at nites too, which will be cool to get out.. and about... since I don't go out that much.

So.... I'm here at work today getting overtme. Darian is in VA, with her dad, and gramma.. she seems to be having a good time. She's adopted a puppy there.. and sounds so much different. More talkative. Its nice to have some free time, but I do miss her dearly.

Back to making some more money.....
Wishing I was being held....

CG, and I fought again last nite... I was upset because I told him something, and he kept questioning me on it. I told him I had thought about writing Christina a letter, and he asked.. what would I tell her.. and I wasn't really sure. I can think of lots of things I could say, but I would never do it, because I know it would hurt him. I then asked .."what would you do if you were in my situation.. ".. and he kept saying. "what situation??" , and he kept raising his voice when I wouldn't explain.. It was hurting me, and frustrating me.. he should know what the fuck i'm talking about... I ended up hanging up on him twice.. (since he called back).. I can't stand when I feel like I'm being yelled at. Plus I don't need to cause him anymore frustration...

I'm trying really hard not to call him again. If he wants me, he can call me.. but I'm hoping he's so busy.. that he'll just forget about me this week. Its starting to hurt more and more...

Excitement & Anxiety

Excited, looking forward to my date, at least I think its a date, I'll confirm if its a date... or it is... just hanging out... tonite. He seems nice. He's definately cute, and seems motivated and careing. Good qualities. Very good...

I've been anxious though, and not about the above with I've written about. I feel like I'm having anxiety attacks. I feel for much of the day... (for the last four days)... like I'm standing in front of a group of people giving a speech. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, and its getting really stressful. I told the DR. as well as my therapist, and I'm trying to get an appt with my primary care DR, about this sore throat thing. Its not sore so much, as my tonsils are swallen... its been about a month now. Its rediculous...

Thinking about CG, as usual... he drives me mad. I wonder if we will talk tonite, and if so, what will go on. Part of me is mad at him.. about all this... and part of me really wants to move on.... but I need someone special to step into my life to do that.

I'm afraid because of my problems, that my meeting guys that I'm looking for, may be almost impossible. Its hard for a "normal" person to have any idea what I've gone thru. The man has to be fucked up as well, in order to really understand me. I'm not sure thats really true, but it seems to have become true. Thats messed up.. huh?

Comments

Comments on my comments. I love them. No intrusions... I enjoy them. Other peoples opinions... (although I don't agree sometimes- which this is not the case), well other peoples opinions, give me insight into my own world.

I talked to S, and told him how I was feeling. He's still really needy, but has told me he's ok with being friends. We are going to hang out Sunday nite... mostly because I have another date.. with KH, a single guy, that lives in Philly, 25, lives on his own, and has a decent job. He seems nice, and if all goes well we are hanging out on Friday nite, and Saturday as well. I'll talk to him more tonite about it, but we spent over 4 hours on the phone talking last nite.

My sister called me last nite. She is being admitted to the hospital. Her gall bladder is causing problems with her liver enzymes or such... and they have to go in and remove it. They were trying to hold off, but they can't any longer.

As for CG, well... I was really snotty and sarcastic to him. He doesn't really call me lately... and I try not to call him. The only reason I called the other day was to see if I left my brush there. He couldn't find it. He tried to call me last nite when I was talking to KH, and I ignored the call, especially since I was talking to him online. He said something about wanting to see how I was doing, cuz he was talking with a friend who was having a hard time, and that he couldn't sleep until he talked to me. I told him he should ask Christina to call him and tuck him in. Right after that, he logged off.. and ran away.. pretty much. Thats one thing that really bugs me.. he runs away, and doesn't come back. When I run away, like that cuz I'm upset, I come back, because I realize I shouldn't have ran away. Either way... He told me the other nite.. that He's mine, for now.. he's mine... and that he can't make any promises.... but also that he wants me to date other people as well. I am dating, and I had no intentions of stopping... it just makes seeing other people weird...

As for KH, I need to tell him about my SI, and I'm a bit afraid. I don't think he will judge me, or run away... but... its still a hard thing to do. I don't want him to see it, and question me when we are together, because that makes it difficult to talk about. Plus if he wants to bail, I want to make sure he has a chance.. before I find out that I like him...

Off to therapy....

With him... again

I spent the night there last night. It was good as usual. I've missed him. I love him. I love being with him. Its not about sex, and I'm not trying to say that to convince myself, because although we have this animal desire for each other, I always want sex more than he does. He makes me feel good. He makes me feel special.

I love that I don't really have to work, and that I turn him on so easily. I know exactly what he likes. He knows exactly what turns me on. He gave me a nice massage last nite, and kisses all over. I love that. One thing led to another.. I came, and we held each other for a long time. He always makes sure I get what I want. Its not even about orgasm though, its just about being together, being that close, being one. Neither one of us can seem to stay away from the other. We both don't want to let go.

I know I keep saying, he'd hold me back, that in the long run we wouldn't be good together... but i wonder about that now. Maybe that's why I can't let go. I think I could be good for him. I think he'd encourage me to follow my dreams, I'd have someone there by my side. It would always be a struggle though, with his record, we'd always struggle. I don't think he should be alone in his struggle.

I met his kids today. His daughter seems like a typical teen. She has a sweet voice... and I'd love to get to know her better. One thing I found though, I can hear the frustration in his voice with his kids. He doesn't know what to do with them. He always said, the kids need a mother in their life, but I think its him that needs them to have a mother in their life. I think he needs it. I know how he feels, I feel the same way, with my daughter, and she's so well behaved... I feel at wits end, and she doesn't really do anything wrong. I don't know... I just wonder what happens from here.

I'm so upset about my car getting hit, finances... , and whether we will move or not... I don't really know what to do...

Date

Went on a date, with, lets say.... S. Nice guy attractive, but already seems a little needy. I like him though. I just feel like all I will do is hurt him. I'm still in love with CG it will be a while before I am able to move on. I'm not wanting to be anyone's rebound girl.

We went to the Pagoda, tried not to kill ourselves going down. Sat on this concent, building type shelter thingy for a while, while my obsessive sister called to talk to me about my daughter. Then I got to talk to Darian as well. She sounded so sweet. I miss her, but as well its nice to have a bit of vacation. Everyone is worried that when she goes to visit my ex, that he will try something. I worry too, but I feel I have to do this. I hope the hell I'm not wrong about this. After that, we hiked up the hill.. stopping every so often to chit chat, and to catch our breathe.

Then after that, we went to eat. Do technically since he paid for dinner, to me it was a date. He didn't try to hit on me though... which is good, he put his hand lightly on my back, at pointe=s during our walk. We went to Infinito's the all you can eat pizza place, that serves Pepsi.. hhheeheh....

Then after that, I wasn't sure what to do, and I knew he'd have to leave soon, plus my shows come on at 9pm on Sunday nite, I was like, lets just go back to my house and hang... well because he already knew where I lived, because I had to give Francis a ride to work. So we watched TV. He was supposed to work overtime, but called in, mostly I think because he didn't want to leave.

To be continued....

continuation.....

So, he's already asked me where this is going to go... What do I say? I tell him, I'm in love with my ex still, and that this will take me a while to get over the pain and hurt. It will take me a while to move on. I'm not looking for something serious right now. And I'm not. But should I say? I feel he's too needy, and that he's kind of pushing it already?

He says, he's ok with friends, and that that is what he is needing right now, but he's already talking about me meeting his family, and also about meeting mine. My sister was obsessively calling me yesterday, so he got to hear about my fucked up family. Should I run? He seems nice. He's attractive. But I already understand why women would run away. He has a decent job though, and has two cars, but he's divorced with two children, and lives with his parents. I know how that is, but if I was 40.. or even like some of my ex's 36... I'd definately be suicidal then. I can't imagine, having some of my goals accomplished by that age. ( no offense to my ex's that read this... ) Although, I know I can't handle living alone, if I'm not married, I'd hope I'd of built something for myself and my children.. (child.. etc)... by then.

I love CG, more than anything. I know we can't be together. But I want him to realize, he deserves more. Despite his mistakes... he deserves better, I just want him to realize that. He deserves happiness.. just like we all do.

Fucked Off

CG.. well I'm not sure if we are talking again... but I was down there Wednesday nite, and we had wild sex all nite. Yes, it was fun, but it wasn't the same as it used to be. I have trouble with orgasm, which I didn't really have before. It feels different a bit too, because I feel upset when I'm with him. He always soothes me and comforts me, but its not the same, because I know we aren't together. I don't have any unrealistic hopes... I know what we are. Just fuck buddies.

When I was leaving Thursday... something was said with the word fuck, and I don't remember offhand what it was. Then he said, " I like fucking you!" I was rather insulted and upset with him, and let him know when he tried to kiss me again when I left. To me, whether its wild or kinky or whatever.. its still me making love to him. It always will be. I love him with all my heart. So then, we talked for a few minutes longer, and with tears in my eyes, I stated, "Everyone just thinks I'm your booty call.", and he replied, " You know thats not true, its the other way around." I laughed, because it was funny, and in a way... he's partially correct, because I go there to get my needs met, the sexual ones, the physically ones, and the mental ones. I feel good when I'm in his arms. I feel safe. I feel love. I feel beautiful and wanted. Yet, so much anymore it hurts like hell.

So the other thing I'm pissed about is my car got hit. Just a little bump, with a scratch, but it still pisses me off, and I want to kill the fucker who did it. I can't afford to get it fixed, and it will probably be less than my deductible, which fucks me off. Plus I'm trying to get new insurance... which makes the whole thing more frustrating.... GRRRRRRRRRRR

Punky

Got a letter from Punky today. It was nice to hear from him, although, he questions my questions. I asked him for sort of a timeline of the time we spent together, partly because I'm forgetful, and partly because... I just want his account of our time/relationship together.

One thing though.. is he told me I shouldn't tell my man about him, and how I love him. I do love Punky, although I'm not in love with him. I tell my bf about it, because he's one of my best friends, and its wrong to hide things from your other like that. He asked me.. how would I feel if my bf told me he loved someone else. How ironic, my bf, CG, told me that, and he chose her over me.. because of his promise.

And although we made an agreement not to see or talk to each other again, I ended up in his arms again last nite. He gave me the attention and love I needed. Although I'm pissed cuz I was almost really late for work, because it took me 4 hours to get here. I don't know what to do about our relationship.

I think.. and think and think... I wonder if I were to become pregnant what would he do. Would he leave me.. would I be alone raising a child. Already the sex has become different, and I know its because I'm hurt. I miss knowing I was his only women, I miss my dreams of the future. I miss thinking I'm the only one. I miss thinking I'm special to him.

I love the way he looks at me and tells me I'm beautful, and brushes my hair from my face. I love that, and the way we snuggle when we go to sleep, how he wraps his legs around mine, and holds me close. I love when he kind of just lays on top of me, or me on him, and hold each other.

Chaos

Things are a bit chaotic for me. CG & I agreed not to see each other. I agreed with what he wanted, because... A. I don't want to see him hurting, B. I know its whats best in the long run, C. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted, D. I feel if he wants to be with someone like her, maybe they deserve each other. I know I sound like a bitch, but I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm upset, I'm frustrated, and I love him.

I don't love lightly. I love with all my heart & soul. I love with my all. I love passionately, freely, & unconditionally. My love is like that of a innocent child. I may get upset or angry with my other, but I would never deny them my love & affections. Thats how I am. I'm joulesofaffection. I'm Julie... I am me.

Stupidity or Love?

I love him. I really do. But I think stupidity keeps me coming back. I don't know what to do, what to feel, or how to think. Him and I are back talking. No argueing. I feel his pain. I feel his love. I want to be in his arms. I know, and he thinks I don't... I know that he and I will not end up together in the long run. How do I know this? Because I won't allow it. I can't live my life with someone insecure and unsure of himself. I can't allow myself to be in a long term relationship with someone who isn't trying to build a future for himself. I can't live my life with someone who allows bad influences that close into his heart. I can't be with someone who doesn't want the best for himself.

I love him, I really do. I only want the best for him, but I'm really trying to move on. Its hard, I hate that he is hurting lately. I hate knowing he is so happy with me, and misses me so much when I'm not there. I hate that without me he is alone. But I also have my own needs and wants. I'm looking for a husband, a prince, someone to love me unconditionally.. and to help me build a life, a future, for us, for our family. I can't have that with him.

Observations... Realizations..

When speaking in therapy today, most of the conversation was regarding CG, not so much my relationship with him, other than the fighting, but about how I feel he's not doing what is best for himself. I idealized him in a way, because he overcame a huge obstacle in his life. His drug addiction. I was so proud of him, and how I'd realized he'd grown in that last years. Meeting him, was like so strange, when I realized his past. Seeing him now, its hard for me to look at that part of him.

So one of the reasons I feel so angry about this whole this, is that I feel that she could destroy his life. I feel she would hinder his growth. I feel like she may hold him back, and I wonder if he feels about me, the way I feel about their relationship. I feel like he thinks he'll hold me back, he thinks he'll hinder my growth, and development, of my dreams and goals for the future. He deserves something good in his life. He deserves the best. He's a wonderful man that I love, and he deserves something better.

This is only my opinion, and as you and everyone else knows, everyone has an opinion, and not everyones will agree. I just feel like he's in denial about the greatness of their relationship, and the happiness of her future with him. I only wish for him the best, and at this point, its not about us being together.

Hurting...

I wish my heart could forget about him. I hurt so bad. We had another arguement about his relationship with her. I hung up on him, twice. The first time I guess he didn't realize... but it doesn't matter at this point.

The last thing I said to him is that they deserve each other. I feel this may be true. I don't know that he knows what to do when he's met someone who cares about his feelings. Someone who wants him to be happy. He says he doesn't deserve to be happy. I don't believe that to be true.

I was angry last nite, because I asked him if it was ok that he continue to cheat on his gf. (he's been seeing me... - and she's in jail) He said.. he's not going to anymore. That pissed me off royally, because he never really discussed that with me. But why would he? I'm just a good fuck, someone to distract him from his problems, someone to occupy his mind, while he waits the next ten months for his gf to get out of jail. (yah only ten months now)

Part of me hates him. A bigger part loves him. I know, I ask for hurt and punishment. But I'm really fucked off about that call I got last week from him, saying that he wants me.. etc. I can't get over it. I can't stop thinking about it. He has this obligation to her, because he promised her that he'd never leave her. And he says their relationship was so damn great, because, he saw her sober.. From what he tells me,that wasn't ever day, because after that, she'd get sick and go back to him to get a fix. ( the guy that abused her and gave her drugs) He says.. (CG) "what was she supposed to do?" Well yeah, maybe I don't understand completely because I never allowed myself to be an addict, but they were still her choices. Each time.. she chose to do that, even though she had him as a support & that he would take care of her. He says she left because he went to jail. He was out within a day... and she didn't even stick around. CG says.. well what reason did she have to stick around, she thought I'd be in their for a while, because of my record. And my family would of never tolerated her sickness, and she would of got sick within the day. So she chose to go back to the guy that abused her.

Yeah sounds to me.. CG and her had a great fucking relationship.

Of course, that is my sarcasm coming thru. How can it be much of a relationship if they spent a day or two together, each time before she went back to him, (the guy who abused her, and raped her, and gave her drugs). How much did that hurt him, each time she did that? He says.. " I saw her sober" Fuck if she was sober, that shit was still in her veins... He says.. oh well now she's clean, (duh, she still had to go thru the same pain, though not of her choice)... I don't care how hard the choice was before, she still could of made it. I feel like he's just making excuses for her. I'm not saying that any of the choices would of been easy. THe life changing choices are always hard. The choices that make life better are always hard. The choices that make a difference are the most difficult ones..

All I want is for him to be happy. I hope, I truely do.. that she makes him happy. THat she stays clean and sober, and they have a chance to build something special. I just don't feel very hopeful about that. I know he loves her, but I don't understand his obligation to feel like he has to date her. I don't understand how he could basically cheat on me, and tell her they were together, when he sits there and tells me he loves me. This from someone who supposedly never cheated before.

He told me once that his one gf that he was engaged to.. if she came back to him, he'd get back with her in a second. That hurt me, because I wondered, and still do, if she came back to him right now, what would he choose?

I wish he knew he deserved happiness.

I know this is for the best. I know I need something better in my life. Someone who can give me the loyalty I deserve. Someone who knows how special I am, and how much I can bring into their life. I want to be with someone who treats me like a princess, and wants to be my prince. I want someone to love me.

Holding Back

One whole day... I didn't talk to him. I really didn't think he'd answer when I called. I was trying to block my number but it wouldn't work on my cell phone. So I just called. He answered, he was at work, and he still answered. We talked for about 15 minutes, and he was sweet and confused as usual. He said he wanted to give me time. I wonder how long he would of waited if I didn't call. He's confused, he misses me, said he didn't want to ask, but that he wanted to see me. I want to see him as well. I wish that we could spend all the days of my vacation together next weekend. He says, he's not sure what plans he has with the kids and their mom on Monday.. I'm glad he finally told me that though.

I'm a little upset, because I want to see him. I'm more stressed because he wants to see me. He wants me to come down, although part of him is saying.. that I shouldn't. the longer this goes on, he says, the more its going to hurt, the more he's going to become attached. Part of me wishes he would. When he realizes how good I could be for him, that I'm the one he chooses. I know its wrong... but its still how I feel.

I want him to love me, to cherish me. I want to be his queen. I want us to help each other. I want to share myself with him. I want a family. I want love. I want hope.

I've so stressed I'm feeling sick today. Eating waaay more than I should. I am so sad at this moment, though things aren't going bad. I miss him.

Endings

Endings are like beginnings.. they don't really end. Things are over for now. I couldn't let go, so he did, because I said something to him about it. Yes I am angry.. and was angry, and I let him know. I went off on him.

HOW.. can anyone in their right mind, choose a drug addict and criminal over me? How could he want that for himself and his family? How could he not be loyal to me. How could he fuck with me like that. Because he's a recovering addict himself, because he's a criminal.. or has criminal charges. He knows what its like to be in her position, he knows what its like to not have anyone there.

The thing that fucks me off most is his phone call, one week ago today, at 3:30am... Saying to me.. that he loves me, and he does know what he wants, and that is me, because he loves how he feels with me, BUT, he can't have what he wants right now. HOW THE fuck could he say or do that to me? How.. and why? What good that do me.. except to give me hope, only to be crushed.

I can't do anything for him, he's been depressed lately, and I'm so helpless. I've been depressed lately.. and he's helpless. I asked him, if he knew what was best for me, and that was to walk out.. why didn't he? He said he would miss me, and he couldn't decide which was worse.. missing me, or the way I'm hurting now, because he can't give me what I want/need.

The thing is, despite the fact that I feel he mite of held me back, or mite of changed my goals in life, doesn't make it hurt any less, or make things easier. I was loyal and commited to a relationship with him.. and he couldn't even introduce me to his kids. He's going to wait for 13 more months for his heroine addict girlfriend, who.. isn't such a great influence.. so he can help her. I know when you help someone you shouldn't want/need anything in return. But in a relationship when the one person is giving their all, and the other person has nothing to give.. its not really a relationship. Thats how I feel about him and her. He's going to spend money on her... get her letters and calls, and pay for them as well.. only to be alone, and hurting for the next 13 months. I know how much he hates being alone, and dread his sadness. The only thing I want for him is happiness. And I know how happy he looks and seems to feel when we are together. I can only hope he'll find that in her.

Not sure where to start.

CG & I .. broke up.. well I walked out of the relationship. He apparently wants to be with his ex, because she needs him more.

Short story. They were in love. She's a heroine addict, and in jail for 15 months. She has noone but him. She lived with this guy that used her addiction against her, and she disappeared from CG's life two months before he met me. Now that she's in jail, she's gotten in touch with him. And he realized that he still is in love with her, and that she needs him more than me.

I told him.. .. or questioned myself as to what she had that I didn't have.. and I said the only thing she has that I don't is him. HE didn't disagree,and in fact said he couldn't make a decision. I knew what his decision was, but just wish he could tell me. I feel like he was playing games with me, even though I know he wasn't trying to.

Today I realized more than I'm upset because I'm not important enough to him to be part of his life. Is if I was looking outside this situation, and was just a friend, an unbiased friend. I'd look at him like he was crazy. He's dumping this girl that loves him, with all her heart and soul. A girl that has been nothing but good to him. A girl that is loyal and loving, and beautiful. A strong independant girl that loves public displays of affection. A girl that loves him for him, despite the bad things in his life. A girl that wants him to be happy, and only wishes that for him. I feel like, he doesn't love himself to better himself, and I feel that he feels that he doesn't deserve to be with someone like me. He himself said.. " you are the first women in my life that hasn't been a bad influence"

Oh well, Life goes on huh.. and I gotta get back to work.. so I'll finish my thoughts on this later.

CG & ME

We are back together. Its not like anything was really different though, other than my thoughts in my head about commitment, and relationships. To me, in order to make love to someone, I need to be in a relationship with them, I need to know that they desire me more than anything. Things weren't really that different in the week and day that we were broke up. Only this time its official. We had an official discussion, and not a passionate exchange of words while making love.

I wonder why he changed his mind. I'm actually concerned about it. I want to make sure he did it for the right reasons, and not because he just wants to make me happy. I think that will be our biggest challenge. We are both trying to please each other... and strive to do so. We need to both work on what will make ourselves happy.

I'm looking forward to seeing him again tonite. Although I hope that I wake up some more. I'm half asleep here, but made it to work safely.

CG seemed to be afraid, not just of hurting me, or me hurting him, but he's afraid because of something in that past that I feel he's afraid I'll leave him. I won't. I won't lie, some of the stuff he's told me so far, is hard to deal with. Its hard for me to picture the man I love doing those things. I can't imagine. My worry is that, he will slip, and go back in that mode. I know how easy it is, one mistake, and you can flush all ur hard work down the drain.

Madness

My aunt is still mad at me... for last week.
The whole, my daughter staying with my mom. I'm not sure what to think or say about it, except that... well she is my daughter, and its my choice, not anyone elses.

That then brings towards a problem, since I am going to see CG, both tonite and tommorrow nite, and stay with him, and come home early in the am. My aunt was mad, mostly because I told her we broke up. And even though... we broke up, we are still technically dating, and still talking about what our relationship is, and will be.

We will see. I miss him so much, and he misses me even more. He really wanted me to come over last nite, but it was 3 am, and I had to be up this morning to get my tires done. I'm already cruising with my aunt.. blah..

Tires... and Love

Got new tires today. Been up since 8 or so. Was at the garage most the day. Got my new tires, balanced.. etc, and a front end alignment, and and oil and filter change. Was only 400 something, so it was about what I expected. Just happy I don't have to worry about how much I'm driving now... mostly because I'm wanting to see CG. He wants to see me just as bad. We are like two young teens, both anxious and horny. Its more than that, but our sexual attraction is animal like. It's nice to find someone that satisfies my sexual needs as well as my emotional, and intellectual.

We keep talking about this whole, I'm not his gf thing. And I'm still not, the way he says it, is like because he doesn't want to "tie me down to anything" or he can't ask me "to be tied down". But its not like that. I don't feel tied down. I feel more secure. I'm so insecure about so many things. HE says.. "i'm not actively seeking out anyone.." and I say... "just because you aren't actively seeking anyone.. doesn't mean you won't run into anyone..." Then where does that leave me? Nowhere... I've wasted this time dating someone, who can't commit, because they are waiting for someone better to come along. Or someone with more this or more that, or that is more attractive. I know this isn't what he's saying to me, but this is what goes thru my head when he says that. I want to be his girlfriend, not just someone he is dating. Especially if are goin to continue with the sexual part. For me to be happy and enjoy sex, I need to know exactly where I stand. For me sex in a commited relationship is more sexually and emotionally satisfying. Sex to me is not just physical, its and emotional thing for me as well.