The Day After the Day After

Feeling a little emotional now. Not feeling depressed today, so its a big move. I didn't take the Trazadone last nite either. I feel like I was a little rude to Calin today, when the things he did made my feelings hurt. I just don't know why I am so emotional, and so overly sensitive. The whole arguement we had was stupid, and I'm glad its over. Each time we do have an arguement, I feel closer in the end. I feel like we've always made a big step towards the better future that we both want.

My grandmother is driving me crazy. Ordering me around. Telling me she's going to put my cat to sleep, when she puts the dog to sleep. The dog is sickly. My cat is healthy and vibrant. I want to take my cat, and my daughter and leave. I've talked to my mom about staying with her. My brother agrees I can. I just have to talk to my stepdad. I don't know if I can handle it there much better either.

Either way... Life goes on!!

Thanksgiving

Where to begin? I am thankful for what I have, Darian, Calin.. my aunt, my cat, my sisters and brothers.. and for all the things I do have. But.. I'm missing what I've always wanted, a real family. I don't feel like my family really loves me. They are not affectionate, and well, never have been that I can remember. Why is that a problem for me? I really don't know.

Ever since my first boyfriend, Clair, all I've really wanted to be was married. I dated him for 6 years on and off, and always thought we'd be married. We both talked about it alot, it seems, as I look upon those days. In the end it didn't work out, and I'm glad, because now I have Darian, and Calin, the two I am most thankful for having.

I know I can't change my family, but I don't feel I have to be around them like this either. I don't like it, and I certainly don't want it. I'm feeling very depressed and sad today. Missing my Calin. .. and missing what I want my holidays to be like. I can not wait till that is changed, and I can spend my holidays with him.

I guess I just want my family to do things for me like other familys do. To love me, to hold me.. to comfort me. I know that will never happen, but it is hard to accept. I want to be held, loved, and comforted, especially on days like today. I haven't had a family dinner in about 3 years.. so maybe that is why today was harder than I really even thought it would be.

I didn't realize till partial yesterday, though, how much I really didn't like holidays. I've never really enjoyed them. They bring too much tension, just like Darian's birthday party did. I've had those suicidal thoughts, something I haven't had in a while. I just feel like my world is falling apart. These headaches are really getting to me. I've had one almost everyday now for a week. The medicine takes care of them for the most part, but they are still very stressful. I don't know what to do about them. That or my car. It sucks... but oh well, that's life. I'm not lucky enough to get everything handed to me on a golden platter, like others I know. I've never been that fortunate, nor will I ever be. Which can be a good thing, because it makes me appreciate things more, and not take everything for granted.

Imagine being 16 years old, and your mom pouring you coffee, and making you toast for breakfast, and serving it to you. Imagine being 21 and having your own place with your boyfriend, and having your parents pay some bills, help fix your house, and also pay for the car you are driving, and the insurance. Imagine that. My parents haven't really done shit for me, and never will. Nor would I ever even ask them for anything.

Romanian Website

Overall things are going good. C.'s modem took a crap, so he won't be online in the next few days. Hopefully he will get some rest, that he really needs and deserves.

Well in my search to learn more about Romania.. I ran across this website. ..
I found her story.. most intrigueing and have been reading it for the last hour or so. (Many interruptions) I wanted to email her, but all I get is a error code. I found many of the recipes interesting, and wonder if C. uses any of them at his home. I therefore pretty much printed out all the soup recipes. Wish me luck.. lol :)

I feel so lucky to be alive, and know that life has good things in store for me. I just mailed out the invitation for C. and we are hoping to get an appointment soon. We just have an unanswered question.. and trying to get ahold of the Ambassy.. or something. Wish us luck, I'm getting excited that we will marry in June if all goes well.

Anger

It's ANGER,
It's HATE,
Its LOVE,
I can't take.

It makes me crazy,
It makes me sad,
It makes me emotional,
It makes me mad.

I can't take it,
I shouldn't say,
I wish the sky
would turn,
from blue to grey.

Then it would feel,
as I do,
Then I could see,
my anger too.

FUCK IT

I am soooo FUCKING angry right now.. I want to scream, cry, or break something. I waited two and half hours for Calin today. Something that seems to become a new habit of his. And where was he? At the pub, watching a game. Where does that put me as a priority in his life 0, where do I put him, prolly number 3, after taking care of Darian and myself. This pisses me off to no end. I'm even more pissed, because I get back online, to see if he's come home and ... it shows he's offline, but he's really there, invisible.. and I wonder, what does he hide from? Me? Another woman? who? Then he says only a few words, and I'm so angry I put myself on invisible.. cuz I don't know what to say. And he leaves. I really want to talk to him about all this, but because I'm angry I don't think I can. But I tried to call him anyway.. and no answer.

I'm beginning to wonder about all this. I don't know if its cuz he's so far away, of because of past boyfriends or what. But I'm beginning to think this is all bullshit. Him, me.. anything. Maybe he is using me to get a visa and live in America.. but then why would he suggest moving to another country ?? I don't know, but I didn't like that discussion either, about moving somewhere else, to start new, somewhere outside the US.

I'm now feeling so sad, I'm tring not to cry. I don't know what to do, to say to him. I don't know what to feel. I feel so FUCKING alone. I need someone right now. I think I'll go to a chat room and see what I can find.

WISH ME LUCK

I'm BACK.....

Here I am. Safe and sound. I signed myself into the hospital shortly after I wrote the last post. I was there until Thursday afternoon. Attended partial on Friday, and made it thru the weekend.

I feel more secure with myself now. Although, I am beginning to doubt my relationship. I feel I rely on it too much for my own happiness. I want to find my true happiness, without having to be in a relationship. I do love C. so much. I truely do, he is so wonderful. Just I feel that lately... he hasn't much time for me... and it hurts. I don't want to feel that kind of pain, just because he is leading a normal life over in Romania. I lead my life... and do many things here. Of course... I will hold out, and wait, and see what trying to be patient brings me. He is a wonderful man and I am grateful to share this time with him

I attended evening church with my brother tonite. I was wonderful. The pastor and their family was so loving and nice to be around. It was a different type of church than I'm used to, but would love to attend again.

I am grateful also to be alive today, and have shared my life with so many people.... I am so happy to be alive. My spirit has been awoken :)