I had some crazy dreams last nite. I dreamt that Jenn was visiting me, and I was too busy and lost track of time. I was almost 2 hours late for work… so I kept trying to dial the number and.. it wouldn’t work.. I kept miss dialing.. . I never did get thru.. but.. I tried for over a half hour. I was crazy.

Things are going ok.. I keep telling myself.. to not see Matt again. I’m really pissed. I don’t’ know what to think. Some girl was on his messenger last nite.. named Rachel.. and she was talking to me.. while he was playing a game. Should I want to date him? (um.. maybe) Should I even try? (NO) let him come to me.. if he wants something…. He needs to call me. I guess.. overall it is just his loss. I am trying to move on already. If he wants to see me, that will be fine. But I’ve changed my mind and won’t take a day off for him. Anyway.. it is hard. It sucks

Well.. work is going good. I need to quit surfing the net and work on my homework. I guess the first step on this is to quit typing here.

Well.. I"m back.. back again..

Um.. things are going better. Having a nice time here at Susan's house. Not sure what to do about getting an apartment though. I'm going crazy. I really don't want to pay for a storage unit another month. Reminds me.. I need to give them my new address.

I think I'm receiving mixed signals from Matt. He seems a little stand offish.. but always I'ms me immediately upon my arrival online. I dont' get men. Um.. I just .. well.. I really would like to date him.. I think( he's not the only one.. but anyway) But.. I dunno what to think. I think Matt just came online.. and .. he did.. and he I'med me already. Um.. he was kind of iffy though when I asked him.. to go to the movies with me Sunday. I guess we will see.

Well.. I thought.. i would have a good nite.. and go to bed early.. but Darian woke up.. so I'm sure I will have a hell of a time. I also finally got my first Draft of my essay done. I hve a feeling I will be printing off my final draft right before class.. I am going to try and make it to the writing center tomorrow for help.. I just hope Wil will be around to babysit for me.

well I'm doing good on writing here more often. I guess it may also help with my writing skills. I also gave another friend the link to this.. so I will have more people reading this. Mostly .. I regret.. giving the link to one person.. ( I think) because then I can't write about him.. with out him knowing how i feel about him.

I also clicked on this link from Michel blog.. and this is the link.. that it said I could publish.. I hope this works..
I'm a Sex on the Beach, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!

I don't know what my problem is today. I can't stop crying. I walked into this room earlier.. and was glad that I removed the knifes from here a few days ago. I was under so much tension, and sadness, I wanted to hurt myself. I am somewhat glad there was not a knife within reach. I hate feeling like this. My life seems so hopeless. I am seriously contimplating... leaving after next semester of school.. going back to PA.. and try to be satisfied making 5.15 an hour at the local store. Can I be happy that way.?

What do I really want in life? I want to be loved, and to fit in. I don't know that I will ever feel those things. I haven't allowed myself yet. I'm scared, today is part of my moving on. I hope I have enough money by the end of the month.. to move. I am doubting i will. I can't even find anything that I need. I hate this.

I must go now.. I have a splitting headache.

Overall, I had a good day. I just had to tell someone something, I did not want to tell him, but because I am an honest person. I had to tell him. I told him about my secret. The secret I only have to tell close people, that have an interest in having sex with me. I wish that there was not such thing as sex sometimes.

I also initiated a strange conversation with another friend. Although, the response I got was strange.. I learned a few things.

Well, back to the orginal someone. Now he says.. he will still come over, and that we can be friends... but no sex. I really don't want sex though.. I seem to go after it though. I don't know what I'm trying to prove. I just want to feel loved. I always go about it the WRONG way. Well this guy.. I sort of told him, I didnt' want to see him agian, and since I'm moving... and he's leaving in a few weeks... I'm not sure if I will. I guess we will see. I really like him, and right now my heart aches... I feel so sad.

I guess I will go to bed now, and hope to dream... of maybe the cure to my sexual problem.. and to the rest of my problems. I want to dream only of happiness and love.

Gosh, I haven't written in here in quite a while. Things are going pretty good. I'm about to move out. Having a little trouble letting go. I will miss the internet and my friends. It will be hard for me. I do have some other good news. No.. I did not win the lottery.. I'm still broke. :)

Well, this guy, that I've been chatting with.. and actually I've been chatting for over a year I believe. Well, he just got back from Korea, (he's in the army). And he came and helped me move. He is really nice. I'm really attracted to him. It is nice to give and receive affection. I went over to his house today. It was very nice. Sweet, and he acts like such a gentleman. Not sure where this is going... but it doesn't seem like a bad thing. Not sure that I want something serious, because he will be leaving again soon. But.. having someone nice to spend time with is wonderful.

I've been doing good in school also. Averaging A's & B's it seems. I have another essay to write. I'm worried about the move. I am paranoid, I will not have enough money. I will miss my friends online. They keep me sane. I will definately miss chatting with Michel nightly. Haven't seen him much this week though.

I got my Box-address today. I got it at Mailboxes Etc. It was like 45 dollars.But it will work, for what I need it to work for. Can't wait to have my own apt. I feel like I will never have the money. I wish things were easier.. but that is life. Um.. I've skipped work all week. I have not been feeling that great. Well I am tired and shall go to bed... hopefully will keep up with my blog better... if at all possible.

Ok, well the other day... I wrote a whole lot of touchy feely things here, and knowing my luck, the computer at work, messed up as i was trying to Post & Publish it. Oh
well... Well her I come to write again. I don't much to say, though. I am not doing so good. I'm not feeling well,and I'm getting nervous..and stuff about moving.

My car is still not fixed, I really haven't done anything. Big problem is money though. Not sure I have enough. And what happens if I have trouble getting an apartment.
I keep dreading that. I am going to have to live in a shitty litte apartment. And pay most of my money to daycare. My car will die, and I will be stuck again. I am so scared.
I just wish, that I had someone around to love and support me. I am beginning to hate my life here. I do know, though, that things will get better.

I have yet to call most my family and tell them I'm moving. I guess that I should do that tommorrow.

Well I dont have anything else to say that would be productive, so I will shut up now.

Em, It's been a while since I've wrote here... on my website. WELL, with all the bad things that have happened to me lately, some good things are finally starting to come thru. I'm moving out of the apartment that I share with Wil. I can't handle living with him. He makes me want to be violent. That is NOT my good side.

I went on a date with Shane yesterday, it was same old.. same old. He picked me up at Hobby Lobby, and I seriously thought we were going out.. going out.. But we went back to his.. house. The same house, he told me that he had moved out of. Everything he said, didnt' make sense. Oh.. well he told.. me.. oh, he's been single since December, and that.. he didn't really date any girls, just hung out with them a while. YEAH!! well that is what he does with me. I can just imagine how many other girls, he has over. He always, seems to want to demand, me to do something. Then, after a while, I think he gets sick of hearing me say no, and that is when.. he says..he has a meeting, or has to go to work. Oh well. I didnt' want to date him .. I just wanted to get someone else off my mind. It doesn't seem to be working.

All the nice guys, seem to be married(or dating) or gay. I'm not sure I understand this. It's crazy. Every guy I meet, is either, crazy, clingy.. or married. With the exception of one. Well, and maybe he is crazy. But I'm crazy too, so I guess that part doesn't matter. I guess it's the degree of craziness.

I can't believe I am finally moving out. I'm so nervous and scared. I hope things go alright. I have so many things to do this week. You should hear Wil, he's been so evil lately. I think he has a major mental problem. Oh, well, soon enough.. not my problem. I just hope Darian does alright... I don't want to break her heart. I know this will hurt her. As long as Wil acts civil though, he can see her.

Well, I need to get off this.. thing, and write a letter to my brother, and a friend..and do some homework. Wish anyone that reads this.. a great day.

Well, today was uneventful. The best thing that really happened today, was I got to chat briefly with a friend that was out of town for a few days. I enjoy, his company(although brief) very much. I've had a rough weekend.. I guess you would call it that.

Thursday and Friday I had off. School was Thursday. I did ok on my test. My essay is going ok also. Friday I went to Wellington. Wil finally let me use his car. The drive down was nice. Very pleasant. Meeting my friend was great also. She's very very nice.

Saturday I had to work. That was fun also. I got to hang out talking to Michael most of the day. And also got to talk to Mickey for a little bit. I had not seen him all week. Work is usually the highlight of my days.

Some strange things happened in the last few days. I'm not sure what to do about it. These things happened between me and Wil. I think he wants to get back together. I have no desire to do so. I want someone to truely love me. Someday I will find that. I think I will be breaking his heart. He's been telling me that he loves me for like three days. And I just shrug him off and say, Yes.. I know.

Well not sure what else to write. Today was my Grandmother's Birthday. I can't believe I didn't remember. I never remember important things.

With the exception of today, I have been much happier. I am trying not to dwell on what I can't have, and just work on what I do have. I'm still losing weight.. this makes me so happy. I fit into the pants.. from my mom, that I didnt' fit into three years ago(almost) when she bought them. I have reached my first goal. I can't wait.. till I lose about 30 more pounds.. I will look sooo hot. Oh, wait.. I already do..

Well I will end this here and now. I am going to get offline. I think Darian may have just went to sleep. :)

Well not sure how my day went today. I guess that is was ok. Not that great. Not that bad. Work was tiring, and boring at the same time. I had a guy yell at me, and say that he wanted to talk to someone else, so when I was transferring him, he hung up. Laughs, that is typical of men like that.

I still have not contacted that guy. The one that likes me so much, but I don't trust him. And so far, he has not called me either. That is a good thing. The other guy, the one I like so much, and doesn't like me. Well that is uneventful. As usual. I guess it's not a matter of him not liking me. I think there are other reasons for the way he acts. None of which I will mention, because they will make me seem paranoid. I think. I have school, tommorrow. Oh NO. Hopefully I will have time to work on my essay. Still don't know if I can get Friday off. I wish I could find out soon. I really want to take it off.

I'm still pissed. I found out today for sure, the temps are getting paid more than me. It sucks. Everyone agrees I should take it up to with my boss. I dunno... what to think. I hate .. I dunno. I know I deserve to make more money, but in the same breath.. I don't want to rattle anyones chains. Especially since this... was supposed to be a secret and not told to anyone.

I guess I will stop writing now, and get my butt to bed. I hope to have lovely dreams of possibly falling in love. I had some neat dreams last nite (or the nite before) of my wonderful flying acrobats. Those dreams are also fun.

Another day, another dollar. I got upset on the way home from work, because the temps are getting paid as much as I am. I've put in almost a year with Viking. And I tell myself.. it's ok, Julie, you of all people know life is NOT fair. Oh well. So why does it piss me off so? Um.. I have no idea.

I get home tonite.. and think... Oh.. I can have a snack, no such luck. All the good snacks are eaten all up. It only took them two days this time. Least they gave me a chance so I could have some earlier today. I am mad at myself for putting Darian in a group with Wil. She's picking up all his bad habits.

That guy came over today. His intentions were the same I believe. He didn't explain anything to me at all. It wasn't a bad visit though. I was nice to feel some affection. Hard to stave him off though. Least he knows that I don't trust him. Although I couldn't begin to tell him, why or.. why I did not want to date him. Um.. He's too agressive. I feel shy and reserved around him, maybe somewhat scared. I guess scared really isnt' the word. I don't what is the right word.

I also think about this other guy too much. When I go to sleep, when I wake... any time I have a chance. It's hard on me. I wish I could just forget, and make my life easier. He is so unforgettable though. I know that he will never change his mind. But I wish he that he could. I keep telling myself, that it's ok, and then he pops into my head again. It's almost like a nightmare.

I am so unprepared for my test, and for finishing my essay. I guess I should work on them tommorrow. If only I have the time. The.. idiot guy, wants to see me again... and I didn't outright say no. I should of... but I didn't. So who knows, he will probably call. I am hoping not, I'm hoping he will just forget.

Today is my first post. Of course it is. Em, I thought this would be an interesting thing to start. Maybe it will help me thru some of my issues. Just not sure that I want anyone reading this at all. I've had a stressful few weeks. My daughter just started daycare. I am scared somewhat. I hate trusting people. I've been pretty depressed. I keep realizing how alone I am. I just wish, I had someone to love me. Or at least a good friend to hang out with once in a while. All I do here is work, sleep, talk on the net and go to school. It's beginning to really suck. Well, it has sucked for a long time, I'm just realizing how bad it is. Least I don't have to deal with Wil much, cuz he started working.

I've had a lot of anger issues lately. Wish I didn't, wish I could control it. I want to get therapy or something, but I've very scared. Scared of change I guess. Scared that people will find out what goes on in my head. It's not a good thing most the time. Just so many bad things happened to me, when I was young, and the people should of been punished, and they haven't. I guess that is just what I want. To give me closure. I don't want this guy to do things to his daughters now that he has some. I fear for things like these daily. Especially for my daughter.