Title title title.. I don't want one... grrr.
Life sucks, then you die. I hate depression, hormones and chemicals.
Why have things gone on this long?
Monday, May 24, 2004
Friday, May 21, 2004
I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do
... I'll be right there waiting.... waiting for you..
But will you be waiting for me?
I doubt it. I meet so many people. I feel so much pain. I love them.. without asking for anything in return. Maybe that is wrong of me.. cuz they didn't ask me to love them. And no matter what happens, how mad, or sad, or upset I get, I'll still love them, unless I find out they've done something extremely evil. I can forgive most things, a little dishonesty, cheating (though I'd not date that person again), stealing.. etc... Its hard to explain... each circumstance is different. I could never forgive, sexual assault, or the molestation or injury of a child.. and of course, not rape either. But.. I know people who think badly of me.. because I cut. I would never judge them, if they did the same. I'd never judge them, if they smoked, or drank too much, or were even addicted to video games, or porn. WHY?? Why do they have to judge me? I don't understand, I don't comprehend....
Read.. below.. an example:
5/21/2004 7:08:56 PM Exalted Angel Izu! yeah.. since they made me a cashier... i like that so much better.. my mood has improved.. like 220%....
5/21/2004 7:09:02 PM Exalted Angel Izu! but.. i'm not really doing soo good overall
5/21/2004 7:09:08 PM Exalted Angel Izu! i've beeen.. you know
5/21/2004 7:09:29 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Same as always, huh? Glad works better for you.
5/21/2004 7:10:23 PM Exalted Angel Izu! what do you mean? um.. its that week.. right now.. where i get really upset...
5/21/2004 7:10:34 PM Exalted Angel Izu! and.. ... I've been cutting.. and I dont really understand why
5/21/2004 7:10:55 PM Izu! Exalted Angel ...
5/21/2004 7:12:23 PM Izu! Exalted Angel I'm really not sure what to say to that Julie.
5/21/2004 7:12:32 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you dont have to say anything
5/21/2004 7:12:40 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Then I don't think I will.
5/21/2004 7:12:52 PM Exalted Angel Izu! umm..
5/21/2004 7:15:30 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you think badly of me.. when I say things.... like that dont you
5/21/2004 7:16:29 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Pretty much. It makes me want to stop talking with you, because I can't help you, can't save you, can't change you , and all I can do is sit back and watch the fireworks as you self-destruct.
5/21/2004 7:18:15 PM Exalted Angel Izu! then pretty much.. .. I just shouldnt share with you, because.. its not really ur concern.... and I'm sorry I did
5/21/2004 7:20:23 PM Izu! Exalted Angel It's not that. It's that it's a broken record. Same thing over and over. Look, I'm all for you sharing, and all for you expressing yourself. Always going back to the subject of cutting, or wanting to cut, or actually cutting. Then saying you don't know why, or how you can't help it.
5/21/2004 7:21:01 PM Exalted Angel Izu! just dont worry about it ok
5/21/2004 7:21:06 PM Exalted Angel Izu! i'll leave you alone from now on
5/21/2004 7:21:16 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you dont have to worry.. or think.. or have me bothering you
5/21/2004 7:21:35 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Alright
They thing that is the worse.. is .. I hardly talk to this person about cutting, or even mention it to him. The thing is.. I used to date him, and he told me... well... if I cut while we were dating, then it was over. How could you say that to someone you care about?
I wrote another poem... this morning...
My love for you is strong,
Believe this,
though we've not known
each other for long.
Each day my thoughts
think of you,
I want you more and more each day,
What will I ever do?
A kiss, a whisper, I love you,
beautiful words, full of love,
Where did you come from?
Where you sent from above?
I don't want to lose you,
for fear of a short life.
I will always love you,
Wishing someday, to become your wife.
Talked quite abit with EPB last nite. Especially about the whole wanting to break up thing. We talked thru it. I still don't know how much I can handle a relationship, but being without him, somehow seems worse. He gives me something to look forward to, something to dream about. He gives me inspiration, he doesn't lecture me on my cutting, because he so knows, he never went to any of the extents that I did, but he used to self injure. I feel he can relate more. He always is very sootheing and loving, wishing he was here, to help me thru my rough times. Though, it did hurt when he told me his heart is mostly hollow, because of his past.
His friends wanted to go to a strip club tonite. He said.. he really didnt want to go, cuz all that are there are scanky women, and the only woman he wants to see is me. I told him he sounded pussywhipped, and in a way he did. I wouldn't mind if he goes... cuz.. I know, I have his heart.... and they have nothing, not even his respect.
There is so much more I could say, but not sure where to start, I started as a cashier today, and will be working on my own tommorrow.. a little nervous, but much more confident. I enjoyed my day at work, though it was long and tiring.
But will you be waiting for me?
I doubt it. I meet so many people. I feel so much pain. I love them.. without asking for anything in return. Maybe that is wrong of me.. cuz they didn't ask me to love them. And no matter what happens, how mad, or sad, or upset I get, I'll still love them, unless I find out they've done something extremely evil. I can forgive most things, a little dishonesty, cheating (though I'd not date that person again), stealing.. etc... Its hard to explain... each circumstance is different. I could never forgive, sexual assault, or the molestation or injury of a child.. and of course, not rape either. But.. I know people who think badly of me.. because I cut. I would never judge them, if they did the same. I'd never judge them, if they smoked, or drank too much, or were even addicted to video games, or porn. WHY?? Why do they have to judge me? I don't understand, I don't comprehend....
Read.. below.. an example:
5/21/2004 7:08:56 PM Exalted Angel Izu! yeah.. since they made me a cashier... i like that so much better.. my mood has improved.. like 220%....
5/21/2004 7:09:02 PM Exalted Angel Izu! but.. i'm not really doing soo good overall
5/21/2004 7:09:08 PM Exalted Angel Izu! i've beeen.. you know
5/21/2004 7:09:29 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Same as always, huh? Glad works better for you.
5/21/2004 7:10:23 PM Exalted Angel Izu! what do you mean? um.. its that week.. right now.. where i get really upset...
5/21/2004 7:10:34 PM Exalted Angel Izu! and.. ... I've been cutting.. and I dont really understand why
5/21/2004 7:10:55 PM Izu! Exalted Angel ...
5/21/2004 7:12:23 PM Izu! Exalted Angel I'm really not sure what to say to that Julie.
5/21/2004 7:12:32 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you dont have to say anything
5/21/2004 7:12:40 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Then I don't think I will.
5/21/2004 7:12:52 PM Exalted Angel Izu! umm..
5/21/2004 7:15:30 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you think badly of me.. when I say things.... like that dont you
5/21/2004 7:16:29 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Pretty much. It makes me want to stop talking with you, because I can't help you, can't save you, can't change you , and all I can do is sit back and watch the fireworks as you self-destruct.
5/21/2004 7:18:15 PM Exalted Angel Izu! then pretty much.. .. I just shouldnt share with you, because.. its not really ur concern.... and I'm sorry I did
5/21/2004 7:20:23 PM Izu! Exalted Angel It's not that. It's that it's a broken record. Same thing over and over. Look, I'm all for you sharing, and all for you expressing yourself. Always going back to the subject of cutting, or wanting to cut, or actually cutting. Then saying you don't know why, or how you can't help it.
5/21/2004 7:21:01 PM Exalted Angel Izu! just dont worry about it ok
5/21/2004 7:21:06 PM Exalted Angel Izu! i'll leave you alone from now on
5/21/2004 7:21:16 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you dont have to worry.. or think.. or have me bothering you
5/21/2004 7:21:35 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Alright
They thing that is the worse.. is .. I hardly talk to this person about cutting, or even mention it to him. The thing is.. I used to date him, and he told me... well... if I cut while we were dating, then it was over. How could you say that to someone you care about?
I wrote another poem... this morning...
My love for you is strong,
Believe this,
though we've not known
each other for long.
Each day my thoughts
think of you,
I want you more and more each day,
What will I ever do?
A kiss, a whisper, I love you,
beautiful words, full of love,
Where did you come from?
Where you sent from above?
I don't want to lose you,
for fear of a short life.
I will always love you,
Wishing someday, to become your wife.
Talked quite abit with EPB last nite. Especially about the whole wanting to break up thing. We talked thru it. I still don't know how much I can handle a relationship, but being without him, somehow seems worse. He gives me something to look forward to, something to dream about. He gives me inspiration, he doesn't lecture me on my cutting, because he so knows, he never went to any of the extents that I did, but he used to self injure. I feel he can relate more. He always is very sootheing and loving, wishing he was here, to help me thru my rough times. Though, it did hurt when he told me his heart is mostly hollow, because of his past.
His friends wanted to go to a strip club tonite. He said.. he really didnt want to go, cuz all that are there are scanky women, and the only woman he wants to see is me. I told him he sounded pussywhipped, and in a way he did. I wouldn't mind if he goes... cuz.. I know, I have his heart.... and they have nothing, not even his respect.
There is so much more I could say, but not sure where to start, I started as a cashier today, and will be working on my own tommorrow.. a little nervous, but much more confident. I enjoyed my day at work, though it was long and tiring.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
My world
First of all, since I've watched some specials before about land mines and how they affect life and especially woman, please humor me.. and click this, and help to clear land mines for FREE!!
So, had lots of appointments today. Had to get my weekly allergy shot. My asthma seems to be doing well. I got upset about my job in the deli, talked to the "BIG" boss.. and well, they are moving me out of the deli, and into being a cashier... so I'll actually know what I'm doing. Finally got insurance for my new car, and got it registered today. Received my first pay check.
Things seem to be going good with EPB, and me. He's sweet as ever. Always supportive,and doesn't lecture me on my cutting. I worry though. Are we moving too fast.. some of my friends seem to think so. I don't know what to think. I do wonder why he's so in to me. He plays his guitar sometimes when we are on the phone. Its rather nice. I sometimes wonder if he is too young, what he wants to do with his life, what is future plans are.... and what he thinks will happen with us.
We haven't talked about the HPV thing lately. I'm sort of afraid to bring it up, cuz then I'll just feel bad again, because I know he's scared to make love to me. But, its ok I guess... just depressing.
Made some flowers for Cherie.. and hung out with L. last nite. Her hubby ended up coming home. I kept asking him why he wouldn't talk to me. He finally got mad about other stuff, (whispering L was doing.. ) and flipped out, and was like " I DON'T LIKE HER" , I almost started crying, I didn't want it to get to me. I just sat there, thinking about cutting... thinking about hurting myself.. thinking about death. Wondering, what did I do.. why doesn't he like me? WHY?? WHY?? After I left though, I got over it.. a bit. It still bothers me, but just because most people like me, I guess I can't expect everyone to.
I tried to see my OB/GYN today, but he canceled, was delivering babies. I'm trying to get something for this depression I have right before my period, since I can't get in to see the NUT dr.. until July. I talked with the Nurse Practitioner there, and she called his office and got me an appointment up there. Wednesday, hopefully he will be able to help. SHe was worried. I don't really think I'd try to kill myself, but sometimes its sooo hard... the overwhelming emotions, they are so hard to deal with.
I'm wanting to cut again, and well, noone is around... I don't even know if I want to fight it. It always feels so good. I don't want to get into this bad habit again. But how do I cope with this, with life, with being alone, with being poor, with wasting my life away here, and not being able to do anything about it at the moment. I don't know.
So, had lots of appointments today. Had to get my weekly allergy shot. My asthma seems to be doing well. I got upset about my job in the deli, talked to the "BIG" boss.. and well, they are moving me out of the deli, and into being a cashier... so I'll actually know what I'm doing. Finally got insurance for my new car, and got it registered today. Received my first pay check.
Things seem to be going good with EPB, and me. He's sweet as ever. Always supportive,and doesn't lecture me on my cutting. I worry though. Are we moving too fast.. some of my friends seem to think so. I don't know what to think. I do wonder why he's so in to me. He plays his guitar sometimes when we are on the phone. Its rather nice. I sometimes wonder if he is too young, what he wants to do with his life, what is future plans are.... and what he thinks will happen with us.
We haven't talked about the HPV thing lately. I'm sort of afraid to bring it up, cuz then I'll just feel bad again, because I know he's scared to make love to me. But, its ok I guess... just depressing.
Made some flowers for Cherie.. and hung out with L. last nite. Her hubby ended up coming home. I kept asking him why he wouldn't talk to me. He finally got mad about other stuff, (whispering L was doing.. ) and flipped out, and was like " I DON'T LIKE HER" , I almost started crying, I didn't want it to get to me. I just sat there, thinking about cutting... thinking about hurting myself.. thinking about death. Wondering, what did I do.. why doesn't he like me? WHY?? WHY?? After I left though, I got over it.. a bit. It still bothers me, but just because most people like me, I guess I can't expect everyone to.
I tried to see my OB/GYN today, but he canceled, was delivering babies. I'm trying to get something for this depression I have right before my period, since I can't get in to see the NUT dr.. until July. I talked with the Nurse Practitioner there, and she called his office and got me an appointment up there. Wednesday, hopefully he will be able to help. SHe was worried. I don't really think I'd try to kill myself, but sometimes its sooo hard... the overwhelming emotions, they are so hard to deal with.
I'm wanting to cut again, and well, noone is around... I don't even know if I want to fight it. It always feels so good. I don't want to get into this bad habit again. But how do I cope with this, with life, with being alone, with being poor, with wasting my life away here, and not being able to do anything about it at the moment. I don't know.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
More than I can handle
I felt more than I could handle today. I cut.. too many times to count, just on my shoulder... on my left arm. I was sitting in my chair, and didn't want anyone to see. It worked out well, it gave me some relief, but still not sure, how my emotions got that out of control.
I do know, I have alot going on, a new job, trying to get everythign taken care of for my new car, a new bf, and a friend of mine dying. The funeral was today, I attending, skipping work.
I skipped work for so many reasons, and want to quit so bad. I can't recall ever really giving up on anything, except my life, which is really hard to deal with.
I hate the thoughts in my head. They are like these aweful voices of my conscience, screaming at me to die. I thought about doing the same thing that happened to CC, my friend that died... Driving even faster (after somehow disableing my airbag) and just running into that tree. Would anyone miss me? Would they care?
EPB is wonderful.. I'm just afraid of so much, I'm afraid of relationships. I worry I guess, because I feel we are both a bit needy, and just dating, because we need someone special, someone loving in our life. I wonder if we will be able to support each other... emotionally. I wonder what he will decide about, the fact that I have HPV. Right now, he acts like he would love to be with me forever, and would be alright with the fact that we never made love. I don't know what to think of that. I wonder if I will have the strength to talk to him about what I did to myself today. And what his reaction will be.
I want only to do something with my life. I want much more than to just survive. Thats all I've been doing my whole life. I want to live. I want to experience my life to the fullest. I don't want regrets. I want to be happy, to be free, to love, to be loved. I wonder, am I strong enough.. to make it happen.. for me, for my daughter, for a happy life.
I do know, I have alot going on, a new job, trying to get everythign taken care of for my new car, a new bf, and a friend of mine dying. The funeral was today, I attending, skipping work.
I skipped work for so many reasons, and want to quit so bad. I can't recall ever really giving up on anything, except my life, which is really hard to deal with.
I hate the thoughts in my head. They are like these aweful voices of my conscience, screaming at me to die. I thought about doing the same thing that happened to CC, my friend that died... Driving even faster (after somehow disableing my airbag) and just running into that tree. Would anyone miss me? Would they care?
EPB is wonderful.. I'm just afraid of so much, I'm afraid of relationships. I worry I guess, because I feel we are both a bit needy, and just dating, because we need someone special, someone loving in our life. I wonder if we will be able to support each other... emotionally. I wonder what he will decide about, the fact that I have HPV. Right now, he acts like he would love to be with me forever, and would be alright with the fact that we never made love. I don't know what to think of that. I wonder if I will have the strength to talk to him about what I did to myself today. And what his reaction will be.
I want only to do something with my life. I want much more than to just survive. Thats all I've been doing my whole life. I want to live. I want to experience my life to the fullest. I don't want regrets. I want to be happy, to be free, to love, to be loved. I wonder, am I strong enough.. to make it happen.. for me, for my daughter, for a happy life.
Friday, May 14, 2004
Um... I'm back.. back again
So damn much has changed in the last few weeks. I got a new car, a job, and I'm dating someone. I don't spend much time online anymore.
Wanted to share some new poems.
Full of love
Unbearable pain
Had so much to live for
Had so much to gain.
Why did he take her?
Why couldn't she stay?
We'd all give our own lives,
to see her, just one more day.
What was it he wanted?
Why did she have to die?
Why? We all ask you, Lord...
Why?
She was special to
everyone she knew,
A daughter, a sister, a friend.
Why was her life so short?
Why did it have to end?
I wrote this poem today, for a friend... she died yesterday in a car accident. I used to be best friends with her sister. She was best friends with my sister... Only 18. It makes everyone sad. I saw kids at the Hub (local gas station convience store) last nite, all looking sad, with the redness of many tears that ran down there face. I saw where she crashed tonite coming home from work, there were tons of flowers there... So sad... Though. ..she wasn't wearing a seatbelt, some said.. it wouldn't of mattered, she still would of died.
Well, my new bf, EPB, I will call him. He's great, sweet sentimental, loving. I can share with him anything, talk freely.. and just enjoy him. I wrote some poems the other day, inspired by him...
Here goes..
To this the man
I find so sweet,
To this the man,
I want to meet.
I smile,
As I think of him,
I smile,
I’m no longer grim.
To this the man,
I’m falling for.
Will you love me
Never more?
To this the man
I think is great,
Oh my, is love
Our fate?
To this the man,
Whom I give my heart,
In hopes that love,
Will never part.
AND
Your love,
Your touch,
My love I can’t trust,
You can try if you must.
Each day I cry.
I don’t know why
I miss your love,
I miss your smile,
I miss the love, that makes love
Worthwhile.
Touch me here.
Hold me now.
Show me love,
I’ll allow.
Slowly breathe,
What words allow,
Hold me tight, and
Love me now.
Well enjoy, that's all for now... I need to get off so I can call, EPB.
:)
PS MICHEL!!! I NEED UR HELP WITH MY COMMENTS AGAIN...
Wanted to share some new poems.
Full of love
Unbearable pain
Had so much to live for
Had so much to gain.
Why did he take her?
Why couldn't she stay?
We'd all give our own lives,
to see her, just one more day.
What was it he wanted?
Why did she have to die?
Why? We all ask you, Lord...
Why?
She was special to
everyone she knew,
A daughter, a sister, a friend.
Why was her life so short?
Why did it have to end?
I wrote this poem today, for a friend... she died yesterday in a car accident. I used to be best friends with her sister. She was best friends with my sister... Only 18. It makes everyone sad. I saw kids at the Hub (local gas station convience store) last nite, all looking sad, with the redness of many tears that ran down there face. I saw where she crashed tonite coming home from work, there were tons of flowers there... So sad... Though. ..she wasn't wearing a seatbelt, some said.. it wouldn't of mattered, she still would of died.
Well, my new bf, EPB, I will call him. He's great, sweet sentimental, loving. I can share with him anything, talk freely.. and just enjoy him. I wrote some poems the other day, inspired by him...
Here goes..
To this the man
I find so sweet,
To this the man,
I want to meet.
I smile,
As I think of him,
I smile,
I’m no longer grim.
To this the man,
I’m falling for.
Will you love me
Never more?
To this the man
I think is great,
Oh my, is love
Our fate?
To this the man,
Whom I give my heart,
In hopes that love,
Will never part.
AND
Your love,
Your touch,
My love I can’t trust,
You can try if you must.
Each day I cry.
I don’t know why
I miss your love,
I miss your smile,
I miss the love, that makes love
Worthwhile.
Touch me here.
Hold me now.
Show me love,
I’ll allow.
Slowly breathe,
What words allow,
Hold me tight, and
Love me now.
Well enjoy, that's all for now... I need to get off so I can call, EPB.
:)
PS MICHEL!!! I NEED UR HELP WITH MY COMMENTS AGAIN...
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