The Feeling That Comes

Sadness,
always comes,
when it is least wanted.
Anger comes,
when it is taunted.
Happiness comes,
as is should,
wishing I had it,
wishing I could give,
all my love to you,
so my heart can live.

Sadness, It always comes back again

My sadness has come back. I can sometimes keep that positive attitude, but then days like this hit. I feel sad and tears in the edges of my eyes.. for most the day now. What is wrong with me? Does the medicine really help? I never know what to think. I don't know what to think on days like this.

Now my gram is making me feel more sad, or I should say, I'm letting her make me feel sad. She is saying she isn't coming to D.'s birthday party. What a fucking crock of shit. Why do people have to be like that, for no reason. My gram is depressed herself.

I am missing my C. He wasnt online today, that I know of. I stayed online till 15 after 3 and he didn't come online. I left him a message, saying please leave me a message if you are online or email me, and I haven't heard anything from him. It makes me sad and worried, especially after him being so upset yesterday about his sister. And I still don't know what all is going on with that. I hope all is alright. I wish he was here now though. His smile, his eyes, his loving words, could help cheer me up. I hate depression. I hate sadness. I know I need to expect it.

It's not like it is even PMS either. I understand the sadness when that comes. But of of the blue I have the blues today. I was extremely anxious at the doctors today. But luckily he was very friendly and seemed down to earth. He is not the regular doctor at the center though, which kind of sucks.

I had dreams my wheel of my car fell off last nite. I can't imagine anything like that happening. I need to get the oil changed and get my car looked at though. I hope to get that done soon.

Well, I am feeling too sad to write any more today, so I will end my post here.

A New Day.. In My Wonderland

A new day, brings new thoughts, new fears. I hope today is the best day, of my life, because I only want things to get better. I know it takes some hard work, and a lot of time. I know that I have discovered my true love. I know it to be true. Thru all the disagreements, I've never felt I don't love him. A year ago, I would of never thought, that C. and I would become so close. I feel it was meant to be. I know we will be together soon, and I can't wait until that first moment, my first moment in my wonderland. NO, I am not Alice... I am Jae :)

Note to self: I have to start working out again, I'm gaining weight. blah!

Wow, it's too early for me to be up, but I had to get on and post, because last nite, Well I dreamt of my "perfect" wedding. Well needless to say it was imperfect, but I was still happy, because I was with my love. I want to write this down, to see if I can find an interpertation of it later:

Starts out that my whole family goes there, by that , I basically mean my sisters, A., her fiance, and baby Jaz, and S., my other sister. So we fly to Europe( I suppose so that part wasn't in the dream). We are at C.'s flat, which in the dream is more like a huge loft. And I hardly see C. while we are there. We basically make ourselves at home, and show ourselves around. We talk briefly with C.'s sister, and neice.

Then the wedding day comes. We are in our dresses, running around like chickens with our head cut off, and I haven't any nice shoes.. I look around and around.. and shop (at a store convienantly located in the house, and find nothing.. so I basically end up wearing some old shoes I had that were like slippers and white. And then, we have no flowers or decorations, so we use some flowers that C. has in his house, and the same for decorations.

We get married, and it looks like a zoo, no organization at all, but we look happy. Then afterwards, C is on a bicycle and wanting to ride down the hill, and I hop on the bicycle with him, and we race down the hill. ( I am thinking .. WTF.. and laughing at the same time)

Also some things that happen in the dream, is that D. gets sick, and some guy I know, supposedly in the dream, a Doctor, comes to fix her up. I get this bad feeling and stop him. In the meantime someone has called the cops. We find out he was trying to poison her. It was very scary.

Then, part of the dream we find out C. had a twin brother.. (who looks nothing like him) this guy is raggedy and apparently he is always in the basement, working. I figured he's either a strange artist or a slave in the dream.

Then, something I forgot, before C. and I ride off on the bicycle, we talk to his uncle. His uncle wants to buy this book, apparently an antique, and C. says he can have it for 15 dollars.. Uncle opens the book and laughs, saying it is worth much more. C. just shruggs, uncle hands him some money, and C. hands it to me. I start counting the money, it is much more than 15 dollars.

That is all I can remember of the dream right now, but maybe later some more will come to me. I got to get going, got a long day ahead of me. I am going to school with D. to help with the kids on the bus.

I hate the pain of life, of living. These are the time, I sometimes wish I was dead. I can't stand the emotions, that flutter thru my mind, my soul, my heart. I don't know how to handle the pain. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to share. I just want it all to stop.

I can probably say I am doing better in my life, because I am NOT going to kill myself today. I will have to fight the feeling though. It will be hard... It is extremely overwhelming now.

I told C. over the weekend about the whole thing with I. I didn't know how he'd reacte, and I guess even though I told him, I still don't know. He's always so quiet. I guess I use sarcasm more than I've ever realized. He pointed that out to me, so I will have to learn to note that to myself, so I can try to change that bad habit. It hurts though. I don't like feeling stupid. I feel that we are argueing, and then he says things I don't understand.

Now I am about in tears, trying to cry for fear of letting it hurt more. This is something I will always remember, C. Says "i've never regreted whatever i've been doing in my life so far", then says "please,...PLEASE,don't make me this time" And I say, "please what honey?"
and then it hits me.. he is talking about us.. and our relationship. and then I say" Regret what? us?"and he says yes. I feel like I was just stabbed in the chest. I'm about in tears. I only fear the tears because my grandma and daughter are in the next room, and I don't want to share my pain with them.

I am starting to think maybe getting off the meds was a bad idea. Now I am thinking more clearly, and I keep more things in my head and I don't like this. I don't like feeling this pain. At least with the medication I was mostly numb. I don't know how to handle stress. I don't know how to live in the real world. How do I do it, How do I survive. Survive without the knifes, the blades, and pills. I'm hoping writing is the key, writing and sharing. So far it is starting to work, but it can't solve all my problems.

Anyway, more of a happy post, I went to see Michels blog.. and from there linked to his friends blog and took a personality test, and this is my result: The Exhibitionist


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

Pretty neat, You should go take the test. I love fun stuff like this, keeps my mind off the shitty stuff in life.

So, what to think, what to do I have no idea. I feel my best friend, JB, should know these things going on, but is it my place to tell her. I don't want to be the bad guy. I., her husband, was trying to hit on me again. And right in front of his nephew. I was like WTF, what a creep. He actually was good to JB most of the day. He helped some with the kids, something I have never seen him do. But then, when we all were back at the house, with the family, he says in a mean tone... "JB, Put those kids to be, before my brother gets here., Go in the room and put them to bed." Her children are 2 and 6 months, and he hardly helps, I don't know how she deals with it.

Everyone says marriage is different, but I know that mine will. I know my husband will take more of a part in our childrens life, and of D.'s. I find that he would be like this, because he loves them, and me. If a father is limitedly involved like I. is with his kids, what the fuck kind of father is that. I raised D., on my own, and she knows I loved her. If her father was part of her life, and acted like I. does.. I would tell him to leave, because it would help her if he was gone more than it hurt her. I find in some ways I will have a lot of adjusting to do, because I am not used to anyone helping. I do know that C. and I will have a lot of open communication, and that when things don't work the way they should, that we will talk about it.

Right now I am missing C. so much. I am wishing I was in his arms. Between the events of today, and being exhausted(partly because of meds) and partly emotionally exhausted because of the events the last few days, I am being pretty lonely, and wishing that C. was here right now. I would love to be looking in to his sexy brown eyes, and feeling his arms around me as we kiss. :)

Emotionally I am pretty drained, I shared with C., many things I thought he should know, that were hard for me to tell. I can say he did take them well, but the conversation hurt our feelings a bit. I just so wanted him to know these things, so he could take a step back and to make sure this is what he really wanted, was me .. and D.

I think he loves D. as much as he loves me, if not more. The way he acts towards her is so precious. She acts about the same though. She thinks C. is great, and she can't wait till he comes to America. :)

Only a few more days on the Effexor. Partial called and hopefully I will start the hospital next week, that will be great. I could really use the support. Only thing that sucks though, is missing my talks with C. We will survive though. :)

As the deer walks thru the forest,
I hear the wind brush over the leaves,
Water dripping over rocks,
A cool, fresh breeze.

Life is so precious,
Always meant to be,
I'll tell you my dreams,
and show you,
One day you will see.

I will show you rainbows,
sorrow and joy,
I will show you love,
without being coy.

I will kiss your precious lips,
I will show you love,
Almost like a rainbow,
and a flying dove.

Love is something special
always meant to be,
Love is something great,
Just like you and me.

I hate this feeling. The sadness the shame. Months ago, when I couldn't figure out what was happening to me, I became close with my best friends husband. Too close, and I couldn't stop him at the time, because I was scared, alone, and because having attention felt good. I made a mistake, and am still living with it. I am crying as I type this, because now, I have told C. and I feel like he has no understanding of the situation. I was so fucked up back in June. I cried whenever I was alone. I could not stand it. I let his words go thru my mind, because I trusted him, and he wasn't to be trusted. What do I do? I mean, he tells me he is only with my friend now because of the kids. What kind of marriage is that? My friends deserves so... so much more. But I don't want to be the reason they are not together. I want her to see for herself.

Last nite, he tried to kiss me, he tried to basically molest me. I repeated told him no, and he still didn't get it until I called him an asshole. He seriously, although, I have pushed him away repeatedly, thinks I want to fuck him. I didn't want to in the first place, but it happened. I can't change the past, I can only make the future different. I refuse to let the feelings I have defeat me again. I will not cut myself to make things better, I will not cry when I am alone. I will figure this out oneday. I just hope it is oneday soon.

Wondering Wondering, It seems all that I do,
Why do I have to always wonder about you?
I do not want to,
I want to try,
to stop wondering
why?

I had a pretty uneventful nite. The things that happen right now, I can not talk about. I am in Pittsburgh now, visiting my best friend. I will update more, when I get back to my home and my own space, so I can right more freely.

I'm still in a good mood, doing good despite the fact that I have forgoten my meds from this morning, and took them at 3pm. I have only a few more days and I am off the Effexor. :)

I am getting currently upset by C. I am talking to him on MSN, and I am feeling that he doesn't trust me, because my uncle was on my yahoo messenger of something. I just don't understand what is going on in his head. I wish I could understand more. Oh well, I guess men and women were not meant to understand each other all the time. I do love him so much. The feeling of us together makes me feel so happy.

You think of your best friends, and you wonder what has changed over the years. So much has changed, yet we still stay in touch... why? Is it some internal obligation we feel. I love them, but I don't feel the love from them like I used to. I mentioned to my best friend S. that we don't talk as much as we used to, and she didn't quite understand. I guess I felt bad, when she didn't understand, cuz it was hard for me to say in the first place. I spent the weekend with her, and some of it was like old times. It's just maybe it is me, I'm not as open with her as I used to be. We both have so many problems, problems we don't know how to solve. I wish that we both find our true happiness someday. I know, in my heart that we will.

C., he officially asked me to marry him today. Then he started having all the worries of our future like I did. It was good to know that he had the same worries. Made me feel less crazy. He is just so wonderful, sometimes it doesn't real. Sometimes it feels so real.

My daughter made me realize, I need to do what is going to make me happy, and to try and not worry of the future. SHe is very interested about babies, and I try to explain to her the best I can. SHe was talking about babies growing inside me, and I tried to explain to her, that there needed to be a daddy for me to have a baby. I told her I would hope to have more babies after I am married. She told me I could marry my boyfriend C., and that the builders could build us a house and we could all live together. It was very cute. She is always optimistic, and makes things seem so easy to do. It was just cute, I guess you had to be there to actually see it.

I'm at the point now, where if we get along when we meet I don't feel I will have anxiety about getting married. I feel we communicate well, and can work thru anything if we really want to. This is what I've really always wanted was to be married, and to have my own family. I feel that if it isn't meant to be, I will change my mind beforewords. I have never gotten this close really to marriage. I am actually making plans. My gramma doesn't think it will happen, and if it doesn't it doesn't. I have made a wonderful understanding friend. He is a wondeful man. He has been here by my side, thru the worst in my life.

I have so many things I feel I need to tell him. Things I rarely share with anyone. I know they won't change his mind about me, but it is something that needs to be said.

I am having one of those headaches again. Trying not to take my meds, cuz I only have one pill left. I am about to break down though. I went to bed with a headache, and since I had a rough nite. My horn on my car woke me up twice last nite, cuz apparently it shorted... and was going off insistently. I still have that headache. I hate this feeling.

I had more dreams last nite. Can't remember quite what they were right now. I don't like these dreams much. I am almost off the Effexor though, down to 75 mg. Only a week or so to go. Still trying to get into a day program at the hospital, I have a lot of work to do on myself.

A new life, but not a new blog. Kind of partial to this one. I have started a new life recently, and also decided to write a book about my whole life. So what better than this blog to help organize my thoughts for my book. Part of my whole new life is shaving my head. I have shaved it three times. I went thru a phase where I wasnt growing or getting better like I planned but worse. Now I have come to realize so many things, and am letting my hair grow, and my life is growing with it. I am starting to heal. I have a long journal, and many paths and dead ends along the way.

I have been on alot of medications, and currently trying to get off. I want my mind to be clear. I have recently fallen in love. C, well I love him dearly, he has been a great support to me thru all this. We do have our ups and downs, but when I speak and chat with him, I am overjoyed with love and affectionate feelings. It feels good, to know someone loves me. JP has also helped me thru this. I write to him when I feel down. Most people don't think he is really a good person, but I know in his heart he is. He would give his life for his loved ones. He has led a troubled life like myself, only he never really had any LOVE or SUPPORT at all. I hope to go and see him soon. Sort of as a closure, to the love we had... because I am moving on with my life.

I have to move on soon, and make a place for myself, I am almost strong enough. I few more weeks or months, will tell. I will know, I will feel it in my heart when I am ready. Until then, I will just stay put. Hard, but tolerable.

I will end this tonite, mostly because I am tired and have a long day tommorrow. I am helping A help herself, which is a good thing. But it means I have to get up early. Blah, definately not a morning person.

More updates about my life in the last (almost year) tommorrow. :) Till then, I go to bed with a big smile on my face, because I know tommorrow will be a good day.