I WISH

I really wish people could just shut up and be happy for me. Instead they have to run their mouths. I'm not a child. I know what I'm doing and what I'm getting myself into. I know the consequences, if he's not being real with me.

I never met a man like him before. He makes me smile and laugh when I'm miserable. He genuinely cares. He touches me how I've only dreamt of being touched. He doesn't ask for anything in return. I feel a bit selfish, he's done more for me, than I have for him. I tell him something and he listens. He doesn't believe in secrets between partners. All the big things I can think of, we both agree on...

I still have communication problems, I know that won't change overnight, but he's patient with me, and that makes me want to open up. He doesn't judge me, but he tells me how he thinks or feels about a situation.

I've finally met a man, that cares about me just as much as I care about him, and is willing to come to me, and show me he cares. I've been with so many men, that I felt resentful, because I felt like it was only me that wanted the relationship. It was only me that was spending money to see them... And I met this guy now and he can't wait to see me and he lives on the other side of the country. For years, he wasn't even in this country.

I love him. I truely do. People can say its too soon. That I'm getting ahead of myself. They can tell me I'm crazy. But I say to them, "Shut the fuck up, just be happy for me!!!" I haven't had any hopes or dreams for myself for so long. This isn't just about him. His positiveness has rubbed on me... And regardless of whether him and I work out, I hope I can keep this positive attitude. I still have so much to be depressed about, and as I sit here almost in tears, I am thankful for all that I have to be happy for.

I am thankful for the most wonderful daughter in the world. I'm thankful for my sister to be here. I'm thankful, I do have somewhere to live right now. I'm thankful for all my friends and family that do love me. I'm thankful to be breathing right now, and not struggling for a breath. I'm thankful to have Dan in my life. I'm thankful he's come at a time when I need him. I hope that I can only show him as much love as he shows me.

I pray right now, that today will be a better day than yesterday, and that regardless of the trials I'm put thru, I'll try not to loose faith in myself,and my hopes for my future, and for my family.

Together

Chris and I are back together, as of 11:07pm on the 22nd of October. He didn't want to let me back in because he didn't want me to run away again. And I wanted a commitment, so I wouldn't get pulled away from him.

Despite us being.... "not together" we still had talked every day, fought, and sometimes even console each other. There is so much we have to work out, if we really want this to work out though. I'm scared.

I can't say I regret breaking up with him. We both learned some lessons from it, We are both trying to communicate more effectively.

I just hope I've made the right choice. I don't know how we are going to do this.

Guilt

I sit here now, and feel guilty. Should I?
He's at Max's right now, waiting for her. Her. The Her that doesn't exist.
As soon as "CARESA" came alone, he ditched his plans with me, saying he had prior plans with his "buddies". Then I found out about her, he had some story for that too. Then he tells "CARESA" that he has Friday off, and tells me some stupid ass story. He tells "CARESA" that his friends got him drunk and he partied on both Wednesday & Friday, to kind of show off. Tells her, that he is free all day on Sunday. Also tells her, when talking about his job " work a lot, but getting time off isn't usually hard" It's like he's two different people. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, because I think he's a liar. I am crazy, for even involving myself with him.


He changed his passwords, and thinks I don't know who he writes to, or what about. He thinks I'm this crazy bitch. I would of married him like that, just liked that. Probably still would, if there were no more lies.

I don't understand why I keep meeting these guys that have problems just telling the truth. What did I do? Why do I have to sit here alone, crying. I'm a beautiful woman. All I want right now is to be held.

I want to meet a nice man, that tells me the truth. A man that will take me out to dinner, or make me something at home. One that knows I'm something precious, and will not hide anything from me.

I've been in a lot of relationships where I could care less about their email, or this or that..., but when you want to hide it, the more I want to see it.

I don't know how to get away from this, except, to get away from the internet again.

Today

I want things to be a certain way. In a way, they are. I sit here and wonder what C. is doing and who he's doing it with. Little does he know, his date won't show up. I'm an evil bitch. Fuck with me, and I'll fuck back. I didn't want to hurt him, but I know at some point he will read this and he will know, he'll know something.

I sat and tried to read some blogs, some old blogs, This goes back quite a few years. My life is sad, very sad. I've never lived my own life. I always was able to live it thru others, and don't know what to do now.

Please save me.
Set me free.
Give me life.
Give me Liberty.

Give me Hope,
its what I need,

Take away my sorrows,
Take away my pain,
Take away the thoughts,
and all the self harm.

Let me be a better person,
Let me see past the lies,
Let me see the truth,
Let me know he's tried.

Now

Now I seem to have to move my blog, because I don't want him reading it, its only fair he can put up comments, but wtf, why lie to me again. Why?

And what the fuck does any of this matter. I could die tommorrow. I could die Tuesday, so could you, so could anyone....

I really hope this DBT stuff helps, because this is the only thing I have left to hope for... the only thing... and the hope, I wouldn't really say its hope... Its a conscience, a guilt, that people try to trip me on, because I have a kid. FUCK THEM, and FUCK YOU, if you don't feel I have a right to die. I have nothing to live for. Not now....
I haven't for a long time.

HIM

Its been over for a few weeks, and he thinks he's so slick. He decides its over, says he's talked to his "DR", and that it was now a lost cause... even after last nite, he still wasn't getting it.

I kept telling him, our love, and our both wanting a family wasn't enough to stay together.... but he wouldn't let go. It took a girl sending him naked pics, and me snooping in his email to get him to do it. I asked him for months to change his password. I told him of my snooping past. Its an addiction to me. Only I'm sure she said more to him, than he says... and I'm sure that it was more than him just talking to his Dr... to get him to change his password.

I hate liars. But I love him.

People are so stupid

I don't know if my family has found out about this(this blog), and at this point I don't care. Its not just about them. Its about a man in my life, and other people who consider themselves my friends.

Apparently, my cousins have been reading my blog, and my mom. But my cousins have to tell everyone my business. I mean its out there... so its my own doing, but why do you have to talk. Keep what you read to yourself. Or reach out to me. I'm the one that needs to know you care. You only piss me off by telling everyone else.

And if you really love me and want to be with me, show me. This man, I know he loves me, and he knows who he is. But I know in my heart, we will be miserable together. We have nothing in common and he's always on my nerves. It doesn't mean I don't love him. But since we broke up. I wanted to, he finally agreed, he has new "friends" on myspace.. and is putting up comments on that girls page. She puts up half naked comments... and he drools over her. That hurts... especially since he's saying.. I want "US" back...

I wish he'd just go... and go with those girls sometimes.. and leave me alone. I can't stand him drooling over them, and so publicly.

I feel like noone cares. I feel like noone understands. I'm so depressed, and at this moment I could care less if I take another breath.

I give up

I can't trust anyone. I feel like noone cares.... I'm at a loss.

I went to this place called SAM today, that was a waste of time, because I do have insurance. SAM got on line with my insurance, and my insurance said I was discharged because I no longer needed partial hospitalization services, and the hospital told me... Wednesday it was because of my insurance.

I get told by this girl in group... that rumors are around I just do it for attention.... and she apparently talks to this guy I talk to in group, and has talked to him about me. ANother girl, really thinks its attention, but something was said, and one of the the therapists said... "oh, she's a special case"....

WTF..... Now I'm paranoid.. and suicidal...
I broke up with my boyfriend... only I don't think anything has changed. Only he's sad. I still love him the same, I'm just not jealous.

I wish someone would just slap me.. or I keep thinking of cutting myself... because I can handle that pain.... I just can't handle this pain.

Someone please help me. Am I that bad, that noone wants to help me. Am I that horrible...what did I do that was so wrong. Why is this other girl talking about me, and why am I feeling bad about what she's saying.... Why am I distrustful to this guy I've been talking to..... Is he talking to her about me... what is he saying?

He was just talking to me.. about how he's paranoid his old friends talk about him.. and now.. here I am.. feeling the same way...

I hate myself. I hate my life. I don't want to live right now.
If I'm meant to live, please help me get thru this.

8:55PM

The discussion again of us breaking up. It was made, by 8:55pm, last night, all was quiet, and at 9:00PM exactly the phone was hung up.

He finally, allowed me to allow us to break up. Maybe not the best decision, but I know in the end and it can't make it any worse. I'm struggling with so much right now. US... isn't even on my mind right now. Its just easier to type about this, than the shit I'm going thru trying to get help with my mental health.

I want help, and noone will help me. Noone can deal with me...

Noone said it better than Nirvana, " I hate myself and want to die...."

Decisions

My boi and I are at a point where I have a decision to make....and its all up to me... I don't understand why it has to be that way.

He's lied to me, I spy on him.... We have major trust issues. Things won't change... and he tells me he's not going to change unless I can definititively tell me that I want him.

I want him, on my terms, and I know it can't be that way.... so I guess I already know what my decision is, only I want to wait and see if he follows thru with coming to see me...

Will he?
Will he even bother... has he even tried to get a day off?

Life

Things suck.
Just as usual.
The meds make me a zombie for the most part. I can't think. I can't remember. In bed, I fall asleep and wake up without relizing it. I finally took a shower yesterday and went to a movie with my friend, I found a gummy vitamin in my hair. How does that happen?

I woke up once on my stomache with my cell under me. I wake up with my cell by my ear and noone there, briefly remembering a conversation with Chris. I thought Chris wanted to talk, and he calls me and asks me what did I want to talk about....

I'm like huh?

I'm confused and disorientated. I just want it to all stop. Luckily, I barely have energy to answer the phone... let alone do something suicidal.

Chris says he called my group. I think he's lying to me again. Otherwise he'd have more to say about it. I think he lies to me about alot of stuff.... although I do know he loves me and wants me to get well, but I doubt he's even trying to get his friends to understand. I'd rather have him drop me.... than loose his friends.

I'm not worth it. I gave up on myself and us a long time ago.

I'm going to go attempt a shower... I feel so weak.

Today

Today is the day I want to die.

This is for more reasons than I can begin to list.

The day wasn't that bad either. My boyfriend had sex with me for the first time in over a month, cooked me dinner.... and was playful with me.

I cheated on him last nite. I kissed my ex. I feel guilt, but probably not what I should. I realized so many things i want... that I will never have.

Every man I've been with has had one or two of those qualities... that I want.


I'm tired of things being ok for just a bit. Right now I'm still so angry about so much. I'm trying to let it go, so that the last day I'm around is enjoyable. Think it will work. I hope so.

Almost didn't care....

My boyfriend just told me, again, for the second time in two weeks, if I did... (something) again... he'd break up with me...

The first time was.. if I ever screamed/went off on him.. he'd break up with me... ok, I understand... but that is impossible for me... We made up a few days later, he said he was sorry he scared me.... and he said it because he was mad... ok, again.... I understand...

But tonite.. well I admitted to him, I'd been, as he calls "spying" on him. And yes, since he considers it spying, I shouldn't do it... but its just how I am... Well he told me, this is in my ball park. He said he was so mad already , he almost did break up with me. In my head I'm thinking, just do it and get it over with. I didn't have a tear in my eye. So he's saying, its in my ballpark, if we have this discussion again about me snooping in his email, or his phone account.. again.. that it won't be a discussion, it will be over. I was about to be like ok. And say, oh btw I'm reading your email now, just break up with me. I'd rather have it over with. Then I can go back to reality.

He asks me if I just don't trust him or I can't trust him. He says if I can't trust him, it might as well be over. I'm still in my head thinking... just do it now. I don't need this... why are we even together.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of not trusting him. I'm tired of being sad because we are fighting. I'm tired of wondering when I'll do something, and he'll walk out. I'm tired of wondering if we would be happy. I'm tired of wondering if we would be good together. I'm tired of thinking I should just walk out now, pain or no pain, set back or no set back. I'm tired of wondering if we are staying together because we are both lonely. I'm tired of wondering even why we are together....

At this point does it really matter. I think we are both wasting our time. Now is this me speaking or my depression?

How can you?

How can you tell someone you think they are lying to you, when you are doing somethign you really aren't supposed to do. I guess you could say I'm a bit deceiteful, but I don't do it to hurt anyone. I do it cuz I'm nosy.

I am very upset right now, because I think I'm being lied to. If I confront the person, I have to admit something I know that they won't like. I have to admit, I'm nosing into their things again.

Which is worse? Is it ok to let the lie go?

Will You Marry Me?

I asked him this. His reply: "YES" I tell him to quit teasing, he says he's not, he said he'd marry me, but he wants to do it the right way, in front of friends and family. I tell him he's crazy and drunk. He replies that he's not drunk. He's only had three beers and a bloody mary.

I've been in a high mood for a few days. Since Friday nite to be exact. Since I hung with my friend, since I got high. I've been physically not so great, but not wanting to kill myself or anyone else, you know.

All me and him have done for a few weeks now is fight. We faught today, I was just trying to mess with him about not coming up here, and it turned to an arguement, and him getting upset and wanting to push me away. He and I both know, he's not coming up here to visit. If he ever showed up here, i'd drop dead. Right now he doesn't even know where I live...b ut thats beside the point.

Thru our argueing, he told me Friday, he wanted me and Dare to come down there.. and he wanted to take care of us, and he really wishes he could, but he can't. I understand that. I never knew he felt that way before though. It hit me hard. All this time, I thought I was fucked up for wanting that...and not being able to say it.

My depression is overrunning me.. taking me over, and making me forget about the good stuff. All it made me think of was all the arguements we had. All the stupid stuff.

Right now I just want to cry..... I'm so scared of living.. i'm so scared of life. It hurts so bad.

I just have to keep reminding myself. Anything thats worth anything, is never easy to get.....

Its always going to be hard, but it will be worth it.

How do you??

How do you talk to an angel?
Nah... it really has nothing to do with that, but I have that song stuck in my head.
How do you know what reality is, when you suffer from depression? Cuz I'm stuck and lost right now.

I've met a totally great guy, only, I want to run away. Sometimes because I'm scared, sometimes because I'm mad, sometimes, because I want more.

Usually for me, I fall head over heels... with him, I did not. I really liked him, I loved talking to him, I loved his holding me, his kisses, the time he gave me... I wasn't in love with him. Shortly before we made love, I started having those, I wanna run away to Vegas feelings.... We made love, and now... its like we are an old married couple. But we fight, all the time, about stupid stuff.

I feel like its all my fault. I'm needy, I'm insecure, I'm upset, I'm this, I'm that.
When I'm with him, I want to be the center of attention, not the porn, or the computer, or the baseball game, or his friends, or the funny show on tv, I WANT TO BE. I really honestly don't see why this is wrong. If I was with him everyday, yeah that would be a major problem, but I'm not, and when I'm there, I'm stuck. I'm not at home, and I'm stuck, in this place, and the man I'm in love with, seems to care less, he continues his life, just like I am not there.

I keep thinking, we should just let go now, but then I wonder if thats the depression talking. I want romance. I know I'll never get it with him. I'm not even bringing up that conversation. We've never really went on a date. We never do anything special. He barely even comments on my page, or emails me.... (which I find romantic). I feel like I'd have better luck if I was a porn star or a baseball, at least he'd look at me.

I feel he has no desire for me... and my opinion on that, doesn't have to do with me being insecure...

Just like I always say... I got him, but... I want more.
Makes me feel stupid, because I keep wondering, how long before I lose the best thing I have.... ever had.

Drama & Thoughts on My Future

I had a little drama at my boyfriends. I was cranky all weekend, had PMS, and got irritated by incompetent McDonald's workers. I got back to his place and my Mt Dew was moving and it really upset me because there were two open bottles in the door and one of them was not mine. Me and my germ thing. I hate it. I don't know how to get over it though.

Well that and i'm having doubts about me and Chris's compatibility. I haven't shared this with him, because I feel like he's really needing me to be strong. I feel like he has doubts, I will stay with him. My problem is that of one where I need to know that he has motivation to do something with his life. I feel like he's stuck in a rut... and doesn't know what to do. He always tells me he is lazy, and i'd like to believe that isn't true. If he has no motivation... its not something I can deal with... Although I can take care of myself, to a degree, I want a man that wants to take care of me. Maybe that is selfish, but its something I need. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I'm tired of struggling, and i know it will take time, but I believe if we work together we can do it.

Again, I just worry. I asked him what he wanted in his life, and he didn't really answer me.

Plus he scared me a bit. I had an idea of when I met him, he could be needy. Lately he has been alot, and its not a bad thing, because I'm needy too. Its just, as much as I want a family, and i love him, and want that to happen, it still is scary. To find a man that truely wants to marry me. I know we've barely been together two months, and we can drive each other crazy. At the end of the night, we still love each other, can hold each other and talk about it.

IT really is great. He told me this weekend, about how again he felt about marriage we were talking, and I was like, "yeah I know after you are 30", and also said " I told you its ok, because as long as i know you love me, and want to build a life with me, I can wait, although I won't exactly be happy with it" He replied, that I may not have to wait. When the time comes, it can happen, and we don't have to wait... he said, its just he's always been scared, and that is why he always said that. He said he knew I was the one he wanted to spend his life with. It scares me, because I know he has to have some doubts, It scares me because he always thinks I'm going to leave him. I wish I could erase those doubts, I would. I'd marry him tommorrow if he wanted. I'm still not sure he'd be 100% positive I'd stay with him after that. I would. I don't ever want to divorce...

I know there is no reason to rush things, but i want nothing more than to spend my nites with him, and wake with him in the morning, despite the fact that his morning ritual drives me crazy. He turns on the tv, and watches sports/news. Noise in the morning makes me wanna scream and kill someone. So hopefully, we can come to some sort of compromise... like shit I don't fucking know. But we will figure it out. I don't think its something I can get used to though. Maybe wireless head phones.. lol

I miss him already. I was sad to drop him at work today. I wanted nothing more to lay in bed with him all day, and hold him in my arms. Its so hard for me to believe I make him so happy. But he says I do. I must believe that.

Shoot....

Apparently money= worth
self worth apparently... because whenever I don't have enough money, I feel worthless. I feel like shit. I wish I could die to escape the pain.

Here's the situation, I have about 300 dollars, I can
A. Give it to my aunt
B. Get my car insured and get it back on the road
C. Buy a gun

None are what I want to spend the money on. None are something that are going to matter, for the most part (unless I do something with the gun) in ten years.

We are in a hole, and apparently its my job to shovel the shit, and everything is my fault.

Thing is, in reality it is. I want an escape. The hole is too deep to get out of. I just want to leave. I have no more choices.

If I don't have a car in two weeks, I'll loose my job. If I don't have a job we are screwed regardless.

So fuck it. FUCK YOU WORLD. YOU cold heartless world. I hate you, and I hate me, and I hate being here...

Sad part is... I haven't felt suicidal for probably at least a week or so... and now, all because I get paid. I hate payday.... I hate money. I hate life. I hate my life... the life I don't really live.

Fathers Day

I'm feeling kind of shitty, because of being alone. I hate the days when I'd rather be anywhere else. I'd rather be with my friends, or with my boyfriend and his friends. I'd rather be at work, at least in the building than just sitting here. Yeah I get to use the internet, and watch tv.... but its not the same.

I'm feeling really stupid right now. Chris and I were talking about relationships and about "her" and I told him it was ignorant that she kept doing the same thing over and over again, and didn't learn anything from it. This is in regards to guys using her for sex. She went all the way to NC, for some creep, and still hasn't learned a lesson, nor with the 5 kids she has, and that she take care of all on her own. It got me to thinking...

Chris and I wouldn't be together if I didn't give him a chance, he told me and tells me the things I want to hear. Is it just another trick. Is this going to end up the same. I sit here, almost in tears thinking about it.

Partly because I said something to him, via text that I shouldn't have said. I said... "think, a decade from now, you'll celebrate Father's Day.."

I said this thinking that, hopefully in a decade we'd be married, settled down, and have a kid.. and that would be our reason, for celebrating..... thinking that a decade wasn't moving too fast.

The thing is, though, just thinking these thoughts, is moving too fast, and I wonder what I've got myself into again. I'm having some doubts now. I don't know what to do. I freak out cuz he responds to me.... " Why do you say that?"

I don't know why he would say that. He's talked about wanting to be together for a long time, hoping we are together forever. But I think, I'm just getting things wrong again. As different as it feels than any other relationship I've been in. I feel like I'm right back where I started. How does this make things better, it doesn't. How do I know its different? Its not. Its the same as before... I take things out of context, knowing that men say things to make women feel good, and Chris does that for me... only now I don't feel its real.

I'm feeling indifferent. I wanted him, and I don't regret that, but I should of done things differently. Again. I fucked up.

I know part of me just feels this way because I'm feeling a bit depressed, and I hope thats the only reason I feel this way.

Jealousy

I hate that I get so jealous.

The thing that bugs me worse, and my ex knows about this, cuz I did it to him on hotornot. I put up a fake profile.

I know it was wrong.

I keep wanting to do that on MySpace to see if my boyfriend will fall for it. I won't but I'm still tempted to. Its driving me crazy. And its not his fault at all. Its all my ex's that fucked with me, and played games, and cheated on me.

I just don't understand how my boyfriend didn't see that it wasn't appropriate, he fucking emailed her about it, and they were talking about the comments, basically his friend thought "he might get in trouble..." I take that to mean, "better watch out, your gf might get mad/jealouse/pissed" and apparently he didnt.

I dunno, I don't know why I let this shit eat me up.

Just like that other girl, the one that hates me... for many reasons, but one because I stole, JW from her, and then Chris... She set me up with JW, things didn't work out, and me and Chris hit it off.... She was playing games with him. He knows, and I think it annoys him, but he's still friends with her. I hate it because I'm jealous, and I know he wanted her, sexually and otherwise... and that she is attracted to him. She's a player though. I know he wanted to meet her. I know he thought about having sex with her. It makes me sick.

Yes, she is a half way decent looking girl, but me, I guess, being me, find it totally disgusting that she's such a slut. It makes me feel disgusting to fuck someone whose had so much dick in her.

Guys think differently though.

So thats why I'm me.....


I am me, take that as you will.

The EMAIL

Hi Julie:


Hope you are doing good. How is your World "Darien" doing , i Hope she is doing wonderful. Anything new or exicting happening.. ??

My job is going Ok. Same old .. same Old.. nothing new or exciting ... Well wait anything exicting or new.. Let me think ?? How can there be anything new or exciting when you are NOT with me... nor even Online. You are all the Fun and Exicting things for me :) At times I really Really Really Miss talking to you. That is one of the reason why I don't come online any more. Knowing that you are not gonna be there.. then whats the point in going online.

As far as my work.. things are Ok. Eric is OK. he keeps me busy at times, invites me to his place and we talk. I must have told you about this.. that Steve a Friend from GYM, his brother owns a Dealership.. he wants me to work there part time. He feels my Sexy looks would bring more business to them. He also said , he would route all the Female customers to me ;) Its very tempting job , can you imagine all the ... yeah ALL The Female customers will be Mine. Well but unfortunately there won't be the "One Female" whom i would want to be.... she will be in reading PA. So I am gonna decline the job offer. I wish My Cute Awesome, Breath Taking, Gorgeous , Beautiful, Stunning, Always Smiling, Sizzling, Sparking Marvellous Julie would be my Customer :)

How is your family(Aunt and uncle) doing ? At times I just admire your pictures for hours and hours. Specially the ones which you had sent me recently.. of you and your little one. I just miss our old days of chatting. I Just wish you had more time to chat. You are the ONLY Friend I have on the internet with whom I am soo Free , honest and Comfortable. Even my Mother was asking about you few times, like what happen to your "Best Internet Friend Julie". She calls you "Smiling Julie" cause whenever I take your name.. she sees a Smile on my face, and My mom feels happy to see Smile on my face. hence your name "Smiling Julie" cause you make me Smile. Its still a dream and a fantasy for me to visit you in the Farm while you are working on the field. Gosh it would be soo much fun to see you in a Short Summer dress working in a barn or field.. and I will just surprise you from back and kiss you. The LONGEST Kiss I WOULD EVER Have with anyone :) I guess if Not the Farm.. then maybe the McDonald Food store... while you are serving the "Drive-in Window Customers" I would just appear from back and Hold you .. and never let you ...

Well Do reply me love...
-Your Cute, Lonely Handsome Friend

Weird Email....

I get a weird email, out of the blue. On my msn email. I never check it, so its like... "GOOD LUCK" to anyone that sends something there.

So I get this email, from a guy I talked to about 3 years ago or more, everyone once in a while. We had some good conversations, and I thought I might date him at a point. We lost contact for a while, then after I moved to Reading, I talked to him and found out he lives in this area. He pretty much refused to meet me... because he was so "busy"...

In the meantime... he acted a little wierd and obsessed... here he tells me he's my only internet friend, and he misses me, and pretty much only has eyes for me, and apparently told him mom about me... etc..

I'm dumbfounded, and a little freaked out, but thats the least of my problems.

Ahhhh...

My day:

I go to therapy, things go good..

I come home...


Very upset about some comments on MySpace that my boyfriend left on a girls page. "An internet friend", it wouldn't bother me so much, but they met in person, and have made out before.(which btw she told me and not him- I asked him who she was, and he said.. "an internet friend" I emailed her, before I asked him about her, cuz she commented on our pic, and she said, yeah we met.. etc..etc..) I thought I was ok with it. We talked it out...

I went to work, I was there an hour and talked to a lady who had anxiety disorder or something and she was yelling and screaming at me, that isn't the part that bothered me. I was trying to calm her down and it wasn't working... I said something to the effect that although, she may not think I have any idea of how she feels, that I did, and that I was going to get this problem staightened out, and that nothing was wrong with her credit card.

She finally calmed down, and was real nice. She talked really religious though, but told me things, like I was a good soul and she understood I'd been thru alot in my life, and its not something I should of been subject to. She told me she could feel my pain. I almost started bawling two to three times just on the phone with her. After 24 minutes, and the phone clicked to hang up... after her offering her phone number and asking me to call if I needed to talk to her. After apoligizing profusely about being so rude and yelling. As soon as that phone clicked, I started bawling, my heart raced, and I wanted to run.

I couldn't get over that feeling. I talked to my friend, and called my boyfriend, and I couldn't stop feeling anxious... I felt really anxious, until I was almost home.

Still now, I feel anxiety. My anxiety now, is more about my relationship. I want to trust him, and i do, but that really fucks me off. It wouldn't of been so bad, but we talked a few weeks ago, and he told a friend of his, one that doesn't like me, that her new hair cut looked "sexy"... I told him it bothered me. He said he was sorry, and I let it go.... But when I see this, from someone he was involved with, not too long ago, and saying things in reference to kissing, and liking her cleavage and sex. It really fucked me off.

I really thought I had dealt with it this morning... but I don't think I really did. I snooped again, in his email, which I know pisses him off. But I found emails back and forth to him and her.. and the last one, references the comments he left her.... and she said... something like.... Oh, that last comment you left will give you trouble... and he said back.. " I doubt it"

He's appoligized. I believe he is sorry, but I don't know why he would flirt with a girl like that, if he really wasn't interested in her anymore. I don't have a problem with him being friends with anyone, but there are things I do and don't find acceptable.. and that is one of the things I don't.

I told him, yes I do tell my ex's and my friends I love them, because I do... and sometimes I talk about the good old days, good sex, or other things that happened...

But I don't make sexual comments on a public photo on myspace or anywhere. I wouldn't want anyone to think i'm not loyal to my boyfriend. Because i'm a loyal girl, he is my number 1!! He's the guy I think about, and care about, and put as my priority.

I guess one more reason it bothers me, is cuz when we are talking or whatever, at nite, he's distracted alot. I know he has friends, and I want him to email them, etc... but I'd rather him say... to me, that he wants some time to do things for himself. I'd rather him let me go, and go do some things for himself, rather than try to give me attention, and being distracted.

When he gets distracted and I have to repeat myself, it makes me feel like shit. I feel like I'm not worth the time, to take the time, to just give me attention.

I love him, and I know he loves me, I just didn't even want to talk to him about any of this because he's going thru alot right now, and he doesn't need me bringing it up right now. I don't want him to think I'm going to walk out, like everyone else has, because I won't. I love him, and this is something stupid.

Its just, that it does make me wonder about trust. It makes me suspicious. I have faith we will get thru this though.

My Life

Stressed out...
Crying...

Crying about my car. Most of the night, since I got off of work. I don't know why its getting to me so bad today. I just want to stop crying.

I had a great day with my boyfriend yesterday... it was the most awesome thing in the world. Little by little I was falling for him, and yesterday... was so wonderful. I've got that head over heels love feeling in my heart. We've been together a month now, I can't believe that either.

I met his friends yesterday, that was good too.

My best friend just called, so I kind of am calming down. I'm just really upset that I got so upset, over a stupid fucking car.

I still can't figure out what to do.

I'll just listen to Chris, and what he says... "things will work out..." And they usually do.

Things

Things seem to be ok. Work is ok. Home is ok, but I just got paid, so there in lies a problem. I'm not worrying about that yet. I'll wait till after I call the bank here in a few minutes... lol

I just feel really lucky to have met Chris. He's brought alot into my life, in the short time I've known him. We've been dating almost a month, talking on the phone about 5-6 weeks, and I believe we starting chatting in March. He doesn't put up with my shit. He doesn't let me get away with my saying "I don't want to talk about it!"
He told me last nite, that he'd hang up on me if I didn't talk about it. I didn't want to feel that.

I get real nervous, about things, my anxiety is so high. The meds so far haven't helped much.

I gotta get back to work.

I'm LUCKY

I honestly do feel lucky. I have a really great boyfriend, and he doesn't give himself credit for alot of it. I don't know yet, if he's trying to be modest, or whether he doesn't believe in himself.

Regardless, he's the best boyfriend I've had. Respectful, loving, understanding, committed, reassuring, gentle, and a million plus one other things... I could list all day. He's the one thing, besides my daughter & my blankie, that actually comforts me. His sweet voice, picturing his smile on the other side of the phone. Hearing him laugh. It brings joy to my world. He's always there to listen to me, whether I'm bitching, complaining, hurting, or even happy or joyful.

He means the world to me. I honestly don't think I'm too attached. I wonder if he wonders how I feel, because I joke about marriage. Thing is, he knows that is where I want this to go at some point, and I'm pretty sure that is what he's hoping for. Only time will tell. I honestly believe communication is the key. Its something, I really am trying at, but I really have alot to work on.

I hope he can stick with me thru this rough time, because I know things will get better.

I love him. With all my heart. He truely is the best.

**FROM MYSPACE**

Tuesday, May 30, 2006
8:17AM

One Last Time
Current mood: optimistic


Its come to my attention, that people read my blog, and take me the wrong way.

I've been called a pyscho more than once. This isn't a label that I'm willing to live with.

Yes, I have borderling personality disorder, I'm bipolar, I have abandonment issues & and am insecure at times.

My blog is my venting place. I started using MySpace as my blog because I'm here so often.

No longer will this be. My friends, the ones that know me, and won't judge me are the only ones that need to read my blog, noone else.

So if you think you are close enough to me, that you think you should be able to read about my life, ask me.

I started my orginal blog, because I wanted to write a book about my life. That is still my intentions. But, I will be working on my poetry first.

So, as for really personally stuff, it won't be posted here any longer. But don't get me wrong I will still post things here, just not my rantings, and thoughts about how to deal with my own life.

Its not something I like people to have the wrong impression about me.

I'm a nice girl. I'm intelligent, and I want people to see that first, before they see all my problems.

Its just my problems are whats up front in my life. I've been working really hard to get the demons out, so I can move on, and have a happy life. This is something I will do, just my emotions get the best of me. Right now, I'm just happy to have friends, to support me. The best one at this point, is my boyfriend. He's very supportive and loving, and despite, my jealousy, he's sweet and kind to me, and understands that I'm going thru alot. He's helped me stay strong this last month. He's been a stable source of support.
------------------------------------------------------------

COMMENTS

I'm sorry that people are judging you by your posts. Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest and posting here seems to be a good place if it weren't for the assholes who want to judge you.

Posted by Steve on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 10:48AM


----------------------------------------------------------

Jae Ann


Its not just that, and its ok. Everyone will judge at times. I've discussed this with a few close friends, and they as well said, that some of the things I write about are off the wall, but they know me, and know how I am in real life & how much my blog helps me.

I wouldn't exactly call them assholes, because I realize I judge people at times, although I try not to. I just realized if I want my thoughts to stay a bit private, that I can do that, and that MySpace doesn't have to be my outlet.

I've been blogging for years, this past year, is probably had the most views, because I don't use my regular site to post.

My blog will still exist just not here.


Posted by Jae Ann on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 at 8:26 PM

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Clarification
Current mood: content
Category: Blogging
8:14AM


The last post was actually correct. I don't "HATE" any of those things. They are just things I don't like. I don't really "HATE" anything. HATE is a strong word, and there is not much I can honestly say I hate.

One thing I can say, honestly is that I hate ignorance and prejustice.

-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------


Things I hate.... to be continued...
Current mood: cranky
5:18PM



I hate....

When I see comments where my boyfriend refers to another girl as sexy.

That he never comments on my blog, on the phone or here.

That he thinks I should be scared and run away...

That he always looks at sexy skinny women on the net...

That he always tells me I'm not fat, and always complains about his beer belly.

That I never get to see him.

That I wish I could.

That I always want him.

That I really don't know that much about him.

I hate that I'm so jealous.

I hate that I'm so needy.

I hate that I'm always trying to put people away.

I hate that I get attached really easily.

I hate the way I feel about a conversation me and Chris had last nite.

I hate people that won't shut up about me.

I hate co-workers that complain.

I hate people that are secretive and/or uncaring.

I hate my daughter's father.

I hate having to be responsible.

I hate doctors.

I hate sweet pickles.

I hate this messy house.

I hate that my skin is burnt, and my wrist hurts.

I hate stupid people.

I hate cocky people.

I hate when people put stupid bumper stickers all over their cars.

I hate people who don't know how to drive.

I hate people that lie to me.

I hate people that lie to themselves.

I hate being tired.

I hate feeling irritated and grumpy.

I hate PMS, & periods.

I hate birth control pills.

I hate condoms.

I hate medications.

I hate insurance companies.

I hate Verizon.

I hate Wal-mart.

---------------------------------------------------

COMMENTS

I never comment on your blogs because we talk about them before I usually read them. I don't know why you get so mad about me telling someone they look nice when they change their hair. I don't know why you get so upset and jealous sometimes. You're the only woman in my life. You need to see that. I want you, no one else. But I do have friends and that's all they are. I love you.

Posted by Chris on Monday, May 29, 2006 at 9:18 PM

I'm Back

It came to my attention, that MySpace isn't the place for my blogging. So everything important will be moved back here. So if the posts seem out of wack, that is why.

Gosh...

I wanted to say God, but I use that word.. .way too much.
I never seem to blog here anymore.
I've been busy. I use myspace more, than I come here.
I'm a myspace addict

I met a new man. He seems great, cute, funny... u know, all that. I've been thru so much man drama lately, though. I hate it. We both seem to want the same things, only we are in no rush. If it is meant to be, it will be, and if I know he truely wants to be with me, I'll be fine with it.

I have so many trust issues though. Before we started dating, I logged into his account, on myspace so that I could do his page for him. ( it looks nice too, btw)... and I wrote the password down. I snooped and checked his email. I've done it a million times since. I wonder if he notices, he's not stupid, so he should. But, he never says anything. He says, if I feel guilty, then I should just stop doing it. I don't feel guilty anymore. I still wonder if it bothers him. I feel like even if I did something that bothered him, he wouldn't tell me.

He's so in love with me. I'm starting to fall for him, but this is so different for me. I'm scared. I'm tired of games, and stuff.

I mostly am nosy, cuz this girl, who, was on one of my ex's page, well i clicked on her page, and i saw CM. CM, has this big beautiful smile, it caught my eye, and so I emailed him. We started chatting and became friends.

Then I started dating, JW.. who lived in Florida, so it wasn't really a real relationship, but we really clicked, and I still care for him alot. He kept saying he wanted the same things as me, but it became obvious he wasn't ready, when he couldn't make plans to meet me. I wanted to meet as soon as we were able. He was ok with waiting till September. I want a real relationship. I want someone to touch.... And he was ok with us being long distance. This didn't fly with me.

So, somehow after me and JW decided to take a break, CM & I started talking on the phone. It was great, fun, enjoyable. We talked about meeting. I so wanted to just go down there the whole weekend, and spend time with him, but he was busy. That and I had a dinner plan with my aunt. Well I asked him, if I came down could I see him for a bit. He, I think, changed his plans to spend time with me. We were together like about 5 hours. Kissing, cuddling, holding each other, and talking. It was great. He was such a gentleman. I loved it.

So, I do have plans for the future. I hope CM and I stay together, and things work out, not being able to spend time together sucks, especially since he seems to work alot on the weekends.

Oh, about my plans, I hope by the end of the year I have a college picked out, and plans to move, I'm thinking I want to start back in the Spring, but I'm thinking of delaying it till next fall. Depends. I hate moving my daughter in the middle of the year. We will see. I need to get out on my own.

On another note. Grrrr.. Lisa was so right about Sprint. Second time in one month that i got my phone shut off. Pisses me off. I apparently talked to my bf, for 7 minutes too long, and it added five dollars for my 50 minutees, and well, that put me over my account spending limit of 125. Next month won't be so bad, but I have all those fees on there. This drives me crazy. Right now, I'm waiting for the payment to go thru.

I'm no so stressed today. I got some sleep last nite. About 2 hours before my bf came home, then we talked for a while and i got like 3 or 4 more. I need to start going to bed earlier. I don't want to give up our time.. though. I need to start limiting it though, because I'll become sleep deprived if I don't. I don't need any other stress in my life.

My friend D. got hired here. I'm excited for him, and for the bonus I'll get. He starts out at 26,000, plus shift dif, and commission. He will be working on the Car Insurance side. I wish I could refer all my friends. Most people I know, live a bit away, and don't want to drive. This is the first company, I've worked for that paid me what I feel like I'm worth for the skills that I have. One of his so called friends though, stated that I was using him, because I wanted him to get hired, so i could get the bonus. Sure thats great, but if I didn't like this company, I wouldn't refer him. Just in my dept, well, Its stressful because of the customer base that we work with. Its too emotional for me.

Well, I got to go enjoy my lunch, see if my phone works, etc.
Hopefully I will start writing here more, it diffinately helps my mood, and helps me destress. So much has been going on lately, its not funny. I'd write a whole nother book, just talking about the past two weeks of my life.

2 Weeks in the Life of Jae Ann.........

lmao

The Ultimate Purity Test

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	51.7% Explored the pleasures of the flesh	64.9%
Shamelessness	69% It takes a couple of drinks	79%
Sex Drive	86.8% The Pope is envious	77.4%
Straightness	7.1% Knows the other body type like a map	44.1%
Gayness	76.8% Repressed, are we?	83.8%
Fucking Sick	92% Refreshingly normal	90%
You are 63.94% pure Average Score: 72.5%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up! (By The Ferrett)

So many more...

Thoughts I want to post, but I don't know where to even start.
It gets sooo soo complicated. So filled with emotion.

I realize so much. (It started with a conversation with a great friend last nite) About me, and men and relationships, and sex. I always have sex too early in the relationship, and I know this. I also knew that I used sex to fill my lonelyness, the lonelyness I wanted to be filled with love. So I got upset, but I knew exactly what he was saying.

The same thing comes up in group today. Four of us women, all have similiar relationships with men. All have sex way too much, and don't receive love in return.

I finally found the man of my dreams. The one that shows me more love than I ever feel I deserve & I fuck it up, by having sex with him, knowing already that he doesn't love me. At least not like that. I wish he'd just look at why. Maybe he is, but he never brings it up. If I bring it up, he'll talk a bit, but we don't get anywhere. What is it, that makes him not love me? Why? We are so fucking happy when we are together. He acts like I've made him the happiest. He acts like he wish he'd met me a long time ago. He acts like he loves being with me. He acts like he loves loving me. He acts like he cares. But his words out or his mouth come different. I keep thinking, is it all about him thinking he'll hurt me? I don't think it could be that, it may be a factor.. but since he won't talk to me about it. I don't know. All I know is I am confused. How can someone show me so much love, and not want to be with me. I think we'd be good together. Not sure it would be so long term, but thats because of all the shit I've dealt with with men lately.

I'm so angry with the last one too. I'm so angry, if he was here I'd slap him. He betrayed me. I prommised he'd never walk out. and he did.

So how do I handle this? I'm normally being so needy. I still feel that way, but I'm trying to take a step back. He seems to not mind me being in his space, but I am not going to intrude any longer. I know he cares for me & if he wants me, which he doesn't, he knows where to find me. I can't call him. It hurts too much. I love him, and I want him to want me. I know I can't make him, but I can't keep going to him, knowing how much it will hurt later on, when he dumps me for some stupid.. little girl. I am a woman, and I would be good to him, and if he doesn't want that, I can't make him want me. I wish I could though. I'm tired of thinking of the girls he's been with, all are girls, technically. They didn't know how to be a real woman. They played games with him, and because he has a big heart, he fell for them. I know he likes me because I'm me, but I wish he could love me.. the way I want to be.

The way I want to be loved by him. Maybe wishing he had the feelings towards me that he did them is wrong, but I want it in a way, although I think they just maybe those giddy loving.. feelings. The ones that make you lust after someone. I, and this is just my opinon.... that he hasn't experience what it feels like to be loved, truely loved, by a woman.. until me. Its scary. So fucking scary. I feel almost the same. I cry at night.. thinking.... why can't things be different...

Things will be just the way they are ment to be I guess. I just have to accept that. I just feel so close to him. And everytime I think about me and him just being friends, I get angry because he said he'd do more for me if we were dating. I've never had a guy do anything for me.. for any reason really.. .much less we were dating... I've never been taken care of the way I want to be. I'm always the one that makes sure that my love is being taken care of. I give all my love to the one I'm with.

I know I do need to be alone with myself for a while, but I don't want to lose him to someone that doesn't deserve his love. Its not for me to judge, but I go thru the same kind of things with the stupid men I date.

Right now, I'm just angry, about my inability, to not try to seduce him to have sex with him. To me it was making love, but I keep thinking, that to him it was just sex, and years from now, he'll compare me to Jen, and that makes me sad. I want to be someone special, that he thinks about as a good part of his life.

I have so much more I could say... but can't right now...

(((I also post on MySpace...)))

I never

seem to post here anymore.

I wanted to post this quiz though. I would of posted it on myspace, but I don't like the girl that I got it from her page.

That and I just found out she's fucking single again, and she better not mess with my Valentine, or I will hunt her down and kick her ass. I hope if she tries, his love for her, doesn't suck him in. He deserves someone so much better. I'm not saying that because I'm in love with him. I'm saying it because he doesn't deserve to be hurt by her, and he deserves someone so much better, prettier, sexier, smarter, and more loyal. She seems like a slut to me. I hate all that she stands for.


Anyway.. The Quiz.. I found it interesting..

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||||| 73% Stability |||| 16% Orderliness |||||||||||| 46% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Interdependence |||||||||||| 43% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63% Mystical || 10% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Religious |||||| 30% Hedonism |||||| 30% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||||||| 56% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Self absorbed |||| 16% Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 43% Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56% Romantic |||||||||||||| 56% Avoidant |||||| 30% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 63% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical Fitness || 10% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63% Paranoia |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 63% Female cliche |||||||||||||| 56%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Well....

Don't really write here anymore, but I should, then I know, only 1 person who will read it. Noone really seems to care regardless, but I know my best friend, Lisa will read this.

I had a wonderful Valentines Day, with my dear sweet friend, and spent most of my bday with my best friend Shannon. It was more than I could of imagined. Then I come home, and feel like shit.

Then I go up north and visit my family, and that was good too, I miss it.

Then I come back here, and I could kill. I want to kill him, (My aunts fiance), I want to kill myself. I want to kill anyone that pisses me off. I hate, I have anger. & now, I'm so lonely and scared and frustrated, I can't deal with this.

I'm physically sick. I've had a migraine on and off for over a week. Today I had a fever, and a stomache since about 5 o'clock.

I wish when I go over to my bed in a few minutes, I never wake up, but it would never happen to me, I think I was meant to be hurt and tortured. I just want to die, and I think only my weakness stops me now.

Well thats not totally true. I am reminded of my promise to my daughter, but that doesn't include self injury, and now I am obsessing about that as well.

HELP ME. I feel so alone. I can't call anyone, so my list doesn't do me any good... My aunt... oh just so conviently forgot to pay the cell bill.

FUCK HER, FUCK HIM.. FUCK YOU ALL..
I'm so angry right now, I just want someone I love to hold me... ie: Lisa, Shannon, Darian, Sunny, or even my Valentine........ anyone else... I pretty much want to go away. I can't stand interaction, and it angers me even more.

My letter to him...

I love you, Danny. This will always be true. I don't hate you, nor will I ever. I just pray that you find your faith again, and that he shows you the way. You deserve true happiness, and I feel you let things overcome that. Have faith in yourself. I will always have faith in you.

I know you don't seem to like that I said, basically that you have a drinking problem. I say things because i'm concerned and I don't want you to find out the hard way like I did. I felt like I lost my life when I got a dui, and every time, even though, my record is sealed. Every time I have to bring it up, I feel that regret in my life. As a child, it almost killed my brother. Recently it almost killed him again. I have parents that don't give a shit. Don't become that type of person. Alcohol can control you without you knowing. Ask yourself. WHy do you drink? does that hangover feel good? is it worth it? I worry about you, I worry about your brother. Think to yourself... that car you hit.. think, what if that was a person. Would it be worth, risking drinking and driving.. ??? Think of what you'd lose if you did get caught. Think of the same for your brother.

Again, I only say this because I care.

I love you Danny, and as much as I am hurting, I am more concerned about you. I've gotten past these types of things before. My heart will heal in time. I've learned much from being with you. I've grown. I'm thankful to have met you. I finally opened myself up to many things. Things I will continue to grow from.

After you graduate, take some time, to really think about your life, and what you are really looking for. Please, if you aren't sure what you want, and you meet a wonderful woman, don't tell her.. until you spend some time together. I know I get hooked too fast. And I get carried away with the fantasy, of what I want. A husband, a family, its something I've desired for a long time. Take your time. Realize when you are trying to run away. I still feel that is what you've done in our relationship. I know my illness didn't help. I know in my heart, I did drive you crazy, and upset you at times. FOr me.. though, all the goodness... in our relationship outweighed the bad. I woudn't give it up for the world. Ever.

I love you Danny, and remember you can call me anytime you want. If you are worried, or lonely, or just wanting to see how I'm doing.. you can. I would love that. But I will do ok. I always am, remember you told.. me.. yourself. I am a strong woman. I will survive,and now I have even more faith.

Just always love like you've never been hurt before. I'll always love with my all, and expect nothing less in return. One of my faults. I want it all.

You will find what you are looking for in life. And I'm sad its not me, but believe me, I understand to a degree. I've broken some hearts, and knowing I never did it to hurt the other. I just needed something different than they had, and I knew overall, I wouldn't be happy with them.

Don't beat yourself up. Over this, or other mistakes you've made.

I love you.

Julie Ann

Lost but Healing

I lost him. I made him my world. That is how I love, with my all. I am not over this, nor will I fully be, because I have learned many valuable lessons. Lessons I will never forget.

My heart aches for the pain, and the loss. I only hope he can find his way. I know in time I will, I just need patience. The pain is too much at times, but I feel it. I don't like it, but I'm dealing with it. I'm looking for support from my friends, from my family, the ones that are always there.

I've heard too many times, I love you, I want to marry you. I will fully believe this, when I feel no doubts. When the man has the ring, and puts in on my finger. I'm not talking about a diamond. I hate diamonds, but my man will know that.

That and many other quirks I have. He will know that I need him to make love to me, with his all. I need him to make love to me, with his mouth and his hands, and his flesh, all this without intercourse.

I need a man that will accept me as I am, and love me that way. But will be able to deal with me as I change. Who will try to support me, as I will him. I want a man that won't give up on me, no matter how bad it looks, or who won't give up on us. I want a man, that knows what commitment is, and is always motivated to do the right thing.

I want a man with passion. Passion for me, passion for life, passion to make a difference.

I have faith, I will find him. Or... shall I say.. Actually.. He shall find me.

Loving Him

Is bringing faith into my life. I feel things, I've never felt before. I more than ever want to find faith. I more than ever want to make a difference in the world. I have hope for the future. I still have my worries, but hopefully in the next few months, they will calm.

In therapy, because of something that he said to me, I opened to my therapist my need to discuss my past, the past that is haunting me. That is what we are working on next week.

I am having more inspirations. I want to lose weight, not just to feel more beautiful, but to feel on the outside what I am feeling on the inside. I want to be so beautiful on my wedding day. I want him to always look at me, and know that all the men around him are envious. Not only because I am beautiful, but because I am the total package. Sexy, intelligent, loyal, loving & couragous. He told me I am strong. I know I am, but I forget. I needed reminded.

I thank God for the strength I've had. I know many have worse lives, and I hope one day to have more strength to help those that need someone to lean on.

"Lean on me" thats me and my best friends song. I think she is the only one in the world that shares that special song with me.

I've been up talking to an ex, a friend, one who needs God in his life. He always had so much faith. He was there, in my heart when I tried to kill myself. He was one of the reasons I changed my mind about my death. I came closer than I ever had.

Never again.

I will never again, attempt such things. I am glad they barely cross my mind. My daughter so far in her life, has never doubted my love. That is something I find important. My therapist said to me... " if you killed urself, it is something that would happen, she would doubt your love towards her." I could never do that to her. I could never put her thru what I go thru every day. Doubting the love my parents have for me. I think I will always doubt it... though hopefully one day I will be ok with it.

Many love me.... and I know this....
Darian
My Grammy
My Aunt Sally
My love, Danny
My best friend, Shannon
My other best friend, Lisa
My kitties, Babe, Callie & Phoenix - Animals love unconditional like children
& I know everyone on this list loves me unconditionally... and despite any angry they ever felt towards me.. ( or frustration) their love always continued, and I never doubted it....

I know many others love me, but because of my personality and mood disorders, if you aren't there for me, I forget. I know in my mind, that u are there, dispite, but my emotions take over, and I go wild with doubt. These people on my list (and Danny being new... and maybe I will lose that faith, but I hope not.. ) never gave me that feeling, that doubt... that emotional trama....

And its something I need.
Thank you, God. I hope one day, I will feel that you love me unconditionally... and if not, I know you know that I'm trying. My faith is weak, but I shall yet, seek and find my truth.

The Last Month - The New Year

So much has happened in the last month, I'm not even sure where to begin.

A little over a month ago, I met D., Well, started talking to him online. He emailed me thru hotornot. After emailing back and forth a few days, I asked if we could talk on the phone, and he gave me his number. We've talked ever day since. We met over New Years Weekend. We fell in love before we met, but held it back until we met. It was wonderful. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. It felt great. He's a handsome, sweet attractive man. I adore him. I want to marry him. Yes, I've been talking to him for a month, and I want to marry him.

The first nite I went down to Baltimore I ended up staying at his house. He lives with his parents, so they fixed up a guest bed for me. I love D, and part of the reason I feel I love him more, is because I know its not about sex. We haven't had sex yet. We've fooled around a little bit, and even slept in the same bed more than once, but we haven't made love. I know it will be good once we do, but it doesn't seem that important.

His smile makes me melt, the way he looks at me. I told him yesterday, I didn't see passion between us, and although I can say that, I am not sure how to describe it. I'm not sure how passion exists without sex, because I've never had that. I feel comfort in him. I feel comfort with him. We have alot in common, despite all of the differences in the way we have been raised. We both love music, him a bit more than me, but he actually has musical talent. Both love Harleys... :) Both Love Girly Mags ;) lol, fhm, playboy.. etc... *giggles*. The fact that we both enjoy learning, and like to help people is a big thing I love that we have in common. He's already an electrician. (he's 26 like me), and now he's in the academy, and is going to be a police officer. I find it amazing. He likes to watch some of the same types of movies as me... he's very open, and accepting. We have a similar sense of humor, believer family is important, and love kids.

I wonder about the future though, and wonder if all my hopes, our hopes will come true. I've already changed something about my future, and my therapist thinks its strictly because of a man. Thing is, in a way it is, but if I would of found out about the tranferability of this course, in regards to moving elsewhere I'd drop it as well. I dropped it because I want to move to Maryland so D, and I can be together. Is this wrong? I don't really want to move, but I couldn't ask him to, he's settled in that, thats where is job is. My job is changable. I don't feel like I'm giving up anything though, I feel like I'm going to make my future better. I feel like D., and I will be working on something good together. I feel like people judge me harshly because I have a mental illness. So yes, I know I can't depend on a man to make me happy, and I don't expect that, its just I do want someone to share my life with. I want someone to help, that can help me. I don't think anyone should have to be alone. I want a family.

I want to type so much more, but I have too many thoughts in my head right now to really figure it all out.