Frustration & Depression

Go hand and hand.
So frustrated by so many things. Whats more frustrating than all the things going on is the fact, that I have noone to talk to about things, and the more I talk, the more confused I become. I have some choices to make, (no, no attempts to suicide just yet). I'm trying to work through this. I really am. It's hard though. It would be so much easier to just give up. I have quite a few options, and I'm not sure where to go.

Alot of financial troubles now. I love my car, but its so frustrating, I am not sure how I'm going to make some extra money. I hardly see Darian as it is. I think I mite find another job anyway. I have to do something. Pretty much, because I was a bit irresponsible with my spending, I'm lost as to where I'm at with my money. All I know is, I paid some bills, but not the phone bill, so I'm waiting for them to turn it off. My aunt will kill me, regardless of whether or not this is 100% my fault. I hate Verizon. I really do. The only reason I don't want to get rid of them, is cuz I can't /won't be able to talk to Lisa anymore. It gets even more depressing without her.

:( ):

Blah, Blah, Blah- BLAH-BLAH-BLAH

Depression sets in.
I need to get motivated and do something with my life. Where does this new outlook on life come in at? Something that was said to me from my "friend", something he said to me, really got to me. I didn't change my mind about wanting to be part of his life, I'm actually more determined, trying to assess the situation, and figure out, what I can do to win him back. I love him, I know he loves me, and it breaks my heart that we aren't together. I want to share my life with him, I want to share our future, our struggles, our goals. Life is so much easier, when you have someone there by your side. Sure, I meet these other guys, a few of them have attracted me, but none can compare to the way I still feel about him. Part of me, just wants to spend another day with him, in regards to whether or not, I should continue to pine over him, or if I should just suck it up and move on. He hasn't given me that chance though, and I'm not sure if/when he will.

Right now, I'm so broke, I'm at a loss, and not sure what to do. I feel like I fucked up really bad, buying this car, and not sure what to do about my insurance either. I'm so fucked off.

Something stupid I mite of done, I signed up for Melaleuca again. Not sure that I will be able to make any money off of it, but going to do research on how helpful the products are to the environment, and maybe that will just make me feel better knowing I'm polluting the earth a little less. I set my recycleing out today. That made me feel good. I wish I could do more, to help save this earth. BUT I'm at a loss.

Some days, I strike out, to get something done, I'm going to make a difference, then the other part of me .. says..."why fucking bother, just go buy a gun"

It doesn't seem to matter what one tries to do, to change the world, fate is not in our own hands.

Not really any of my business....

But since I want to save the world... I have this in my face. I never really thought about it till Lisa mentioned it, and now its been on my mind all day. I sit here between calls, reading what I can about it.

http://www.terrisfight.org/

Part of it makes me sick, but this is how the world functions today, shit happens every day that doesn't make since. Everything in life is debatable. How can they debate whether is is a FUCKING VEGETABLE or not though? HOW? I mean, its excessive, either she can respond or can't. From my understanding, vegetables DO NOT. THEY DO NOT TALK, they do not MOVE, they do NOT SWALLOW. What the fuck is the story here? Why doesn't the judge ( if he has- I haven' read anything yet) go to the fucking hospital and see for himself.

PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKED UP.

Also was visiting this site... http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=43463

Looking for more info, I don't have enough.

Like he fucking thinks so...

I decided to give him one more chance... and he's such a fuck up. Within five minutes he has his clothes off, and was trying to get all over me. Then of course, he tried, to get me to fuck him without succeeding, but of course, I caved and we fooled around. Only to finish with him cumming, and not on me, THANK GOD, I told him, if he came on me.. I was gonna be pissed. Such an asshole...

Then, part of it was he wanted to use my computer, fine... no problem... But he was trying to get me to "help" him with a paper. Meaning, he wanted me to do the whole thing for him. I was like "I DON'T HAVE TIME", not even mentioning the fact, that.. UH... I WOULDN'T DO IT FOR HIM ANYWAY!! What a creep!! No morals, no sane judgement, I just was a bit worried.. cuz..

I had a bad dream last nite, about a stalker guy from the net. Believe you me, I'm not letting anyone know where I live anymore. GOD... I don't know how I'll get rid of him. I hate my life...


All the guys I want and desire, really have no interest, and if they do, they show it weirdly.. as in, they never really miss me. Then I meet these nutso's and they want me all the time, and I HATE THEM!!

Grrrrr....

Sadness Strikes, and My Loneliness Hungers

Lonely tonite. Sad. Partly from lack of sleep. Did a turn and burn, up to visit my family. Got to see almost everyone. Got lots of hugs, and had a good time. But no sleep. I think I slept like 3-4 hours a nite, the last two nites. Partly from me staying up too late, partly from this cough. Although, still coughing, the asthma attacks are less, and coughing also, and I have almost my full voice back.

My car was great driving. I LOVE HER. Wish I could think of a name for her.


I need something more, I want something more in my life. I'm tired of this shit. Part of me just wants to run off and do something crazy, like be a race car driver, or an environmental activist.... or something, .. something that means something...
Then the other part, just wants to share my life with someone special, someone who loves me. Someone who needs me.

I hate my life on times like these. I think I have PMS, but my period.. of course hasn't started... and all I want to do is cry... and/or jump off a bridge. Actually more than that, I just wish he were here, holding me... snuggling so close, with his head on my breasts, so I could fall asleep in his arms...

I hate those stupid thoughts though. I try to have more positive thoughts, and they come down to these. Stupid fantasies about the past, about something that will never happen, no matter how much hope I hold out. I wish I could view the future, and just see if it is a waste of time. I wish I could do something. Anything.

I need to get a new job. I need to get a life. Tired of this one. Tired of never seeing my daughter, tired of being lonely.

Don't let me fool you, I just want a steady bf, so I can get laid.. all the time... ahahah.. I WISH.

My Beloved

I still hold him close to my heart. He's in my thoughts, my dreams, and my hopes for the future. For a while, he honestly was an obssession. Now, I'm just glad he was and is in some part, part of my life. I do wish he'd realize how special he is to me. How much I love him, and how much... I always will. I wish he'd realize that its not about what he can do for me, its about what we can do for each other. I don't expect him to provide for me in any way, I only expect what I give. Love, understanding, support.... honesty...

My heart breaks, when I think of him. It hurts, it aches... and I want more than anything for us to be together. I have come to the realization, that things are the way they are for a reason (and more than just the reason, than he's a stubborn fool), and I'm ok with it. I'm doing things I like to do, and going out, and having a good time, and he and I are friends, and we talk on occasion. Yes. I do wish we talked more. I wish we could spend time together. Actually, I wish he'd just invite me down, and we could hang out or something, talk.. whatever...

Part of me thinks, maybe he's afraid to see me. NOt just becaues of the whole thing he mentioned before, about thinking that I'd want to jump his bones. DUH, I know I'm a horny bitch, but I can control myself, and do quite often.... Part of me thinks, he's afraid... of his own feelings...

But thats all you'll hear from me for now, I'm outta here, Work ends soon, and I won't be back on the internet until Sunday nite when I get home from visiting family.

Life..

is like a box of rocks...
You think they are useless
until you find that one man that pisses you off
that you wish you had some of those fucking rocks
to throw at him.

Duh

Blogger wasn't working on and off for me the last few days. There were a few days, that I would of loved to post. I'm tired of meeting obsessive guys.

I miss T. He doesn't seem to understand. I wish I could sort things out with him, and we could get back together. He's too busy he says though. I'm wondering today, if his whole, not seeing me, is his in regard to my feelings, or more in regard to his feelings. I told him I missed him last nite. He told me I didn't. How could I. I feel like, although we've fought more after we broke up, we've gotten to know each other more and more. Part of me knows how things are is this way for a reason, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to change things, and be part of his life. I love him. I always have, I always will, I started falling for him, way before he told me he loved me. Its just, I was too much in turmoil, and pain, to let it be known. I was so hurt when he canceled on me. Sure I was in a bad place back then, it was the only thing that kept me from offing myself all week. Then the time came, and there was nothing to look forward to anymore. I just had this stupid boyfriend, EPB, that was obsessed with me, and didn't understand me at all, or what it was I was looking for out of life. He lacked motivation, which was a major turn off.

I want a man to take care of me, in some ways... but in most ways I can take care of myself. I want to be needed in my life. I'm not sure I care whether my therapist thinks its healthy.. or whether it is or not. I want to be needed, and I don't think there is nothing wrong with it. I'm not completely lost without being needed... I just feel better when I am needed.

I have to go back to work, so ... TO BE CONTINUED...

Sick

I've been so sick, I haven't been on the phone at all. I missed work yesterday, and waiting on the repercussions of that.

These stupid men I meet. I hate being a nice person. The guy I like is too busy, but seems to really like me. The guy I love, is too busy, and hasn't been "into" me for a long time...

Oh well, thats life right.
Gotta roll with the punches...

I'm ready to punch someone out..

Friday

My Friday was pretty good. I was a bit emotional though. PMS I'm sure. Went to lunch with Justin, I agreed, it was a nice lunch, We went with Dare to McDonald's, and she got to play on playland, it was a beautiful day. I started bawling at one point though, when she was outside, and he came in and asked me about it.

I'm so frustrated with the Dr's and therapists, and how things work. Its almost impossible to get help, unless you aren't functional. I hate that I'm high functional sometimes. So much is expected from me, from others, its hard, especially after the expectations I set for myself.

Still haven't heard from a few of the guys I went out with that last few weeks. Got a brief email from T. (just the normal, I think he sends that just so I quit worrying if he is alive or not). Some days I think I'm over him, and have moved on, other days... I wonder. Today is one of those days, I think I'm over him. Today is one of those days, I'm a little mad at him .. for him not doing anything, for him, messing with my heart. I think about the relationship and wonder what I really saw in it, there wasn't much to it. He never followed thru. We didn' really spend much time together. Part of me.. wonders if it was more than a sexual infatuation. Well it was for me, but... I really don't understand his side of it. He'll read this I'm sure, and wonder why I'm bitching about him, when he didn't do anything. And I'll answer this while he's reading.

1. I like to bitch
2. I have PMS
3. I'll still mad at you because I feel that you never follow thru.
4. I'm frustrated because I just want a companion, and you led me on.. (although I have guilt in this also, as I allowed myself to be led on.
5. Because I miss my friend.

The Date that really wasn't a date...

And that was a good thing.

I met Thomas today.... We've talked for quite a while online... (checks message archives) I have message archives dating back to April of 2004. I've always enjoyed talking to him. Then I moved to Reading in July, told him about it shortly after. He lives near the Giant I used to work at. Tonite, after some talking last nite, we decided to meet. It was nice. We met as friends, with no intentions of a date type date. And... it was nice. Nicer than anything I've experienced lately. I won't lie, I'm attracted to him, I knew he wasn't bad looking, but I wasn't expecting any type of attraction. It was nice..

We were supposed to meet at Barnes and Noble. Neither of us knew when it closed. I was slow.. (as usual) and called so we could meet up about 10:30, the just happen to close at 10 on Thursday. So I suggested we go to Uno and have a few drinks. I drank Pepsi, he had a few beers, and then Pepsi. I was going to have a drink or two, but couldn't really decide on anything. We just sat and chit chatted, and talked about PA, and work, things like that. It was really nice. He's cute, beautiful smile.... dreamy.. u know.... and absolutely intelligent. ...

He had to get home, he has to be up in the am. 6am, he tells me, as he says its time for him to go. (this is at 1am) I have to be up in the am, but not till about 8.... So, we walk out to our cars, I give him a hug goodbye, and he holds me tight in his arms. He asks about the printer paper, I asked him about last nite, because one of his jobs is at Staples.... and he apparently brought me some printer paper. I was surprised, and sort of in awe. I asked him, what I owed him, and he was like.. "nothing", but i knew he was going to say that. It was nice. Thoughtful, and something different. I've never met very many guys that are "gentlemenly" like.. and I really like that. Plus I like gifts. Paper was the perfect gift, mostly cuz I needed it, and haven't found the time.. but it was just neat that he did bring me some.

I really thought I'd be spending my time online tonite. I didn't think he would follow thru on us getting together. He's said, he'd like to more than once, but neither of us followed thru on it. It was nice. He was nice. I'm going to bed happy tonite.... ..

This helps me try to forget about all the obsessive men that I've met lately.. which I'll write more about later.

This fucking town....

Reading.
It sucks.
Break ins to vehicles happening every night in our area. IT makes me sick.
My aunt's car got hit last nite. (more details later)

She was a lucky one. She still had her car this morning, minus the cd holder, insurance card, and registration.

To be continued.....

Date....

I hate dating...
officially..
wait.. I've hated it for a long ass time.

I want to find someone to settle down with.
I mostly want to post here, because "he" was right,
Right about alot of things.... and it hurts.

My life hurts more now than ever. My heart is so sad, that we are both so alone, yet have so much love to share with someone, but have not that person in our life to share it with.

I need something more in my life. I need some hope, some dreams. I need someone to love, who I know loves me.

One day I'm sure I'll find that, but until then..

I'll just masterbate, and hope for the best.


Oh.. duh. I came on to post about the date. I'm so superficial and petty. He has bad teeth. I can't deal with that. Thats not the whole thing, I didn't feel the "spark" he's sweet as hell though, just much more needy.... that I can tolerate.

The teeth thing..I can't deal with bad teeth, sure if your teeth are crooked, fine.. great. I don't care, but I can't deal with discolored, broken, chipped, black, or brown teeth... and I'm not sure how to get over being so petty... about it..

Any ideas anyone?

Latest Poem

I'm a bitch!
I'm obsessed!

Watch out,
I'm half dressed.

I'm a bitch!
I'm obsessed!

Step down boy,
your a mess.

I'm a bitch!
I'm obsessed!

Fuck off now,
I digress.

I'm a bitch!
I'm obsessed!

I want more,
give me less.

I'm a bitch!
I'm obsessed!

I'll tell you lies,
I must confess.

I'm a bitch!
I'm obsessed!

Fuck off asshole,
I'm the best.

Blah.. Blah .. Blah

Um... I haven't posted in forever. Been too busy, crazy ass busy. Tired. Not sleeping....

Went on quite a few dates recently, non are up to par though. I'm so picky... the men are ...
Too Short,
Too Weird,
Have bad teeth,
Can't kiss,
Just want sex,
Don't have enough time to really develope a relationship.

I'm going out tonite though. Not sure what we are doing. He seems nice. I get that nice fuzzy feeling inside when I talk to him. It scares me. I'm afraid he's just like other guys that I usually date. He's recently divorced, unemployed at the moment, but has had several job interviews in the last few days. Staying with his parents..... and lives one hour and one half away. He has a 19 month old son.
He's needy, and I'm afraid, that he'll be too needy. He doesn't seem "too" needy right now, but... I've been in that situation before....

I don't know.. we will see. Most the other guys I met, though some where nice, I met a few crackers.

Still feeling sick. Migraines alot. Sore throat going on Three weeks now...
It really sucks... blah blah

Gotta get back to work.

Suicidal Notions

Had some more. It sucks. Last nite, and a bit today, I'm so frustrated. I wish I knew how to cope. I mean I am coping to an extent. I just want some happy pills though. I want to feel better, I'm working on it, but it is so hard. I thought about racing with my new car, and purposely trying to run it into a tree...

Oops.. a bad accident. Would it work? I doubt it. But who knows. I hate the depression. I hate people's reactions to the things I type here. I'm thinkin of giving this up, or moving it somewhere exclusive... its .. too personal, and I've shared it with too many people, who don't appreciate it.. nor understand it. I want to work on my web page soon. Wish me luck

Gotta get back to work.

Cranky

Been cranky lately...
Major lack of sleep. I think I got 2 hours last nite.
I'm missing things I don't have. I'm missing what could have been.
I know I need to quite dwelling.. but.... I really hate my life.
I AM working on changing it though. Hopefully will start some classes soon..
Talked to a guy that gave me some encourageing information, about how to get my
foot in the door into an ARCH firm. It excites me. I need to work on being more...
Stubborn, and just lay down. I wish I could live without sleep. It's so unnecessary..
Plus.... sleeping alone sucks. I think that's what I've liked about the guys I've met lately. I've got a chance to be held while I sleep... and I love that. It makes me happy to have someone to wake up to in the morning.

I wish I could decide what I want. One moment, I think, I should just find people that are open to open relationships. Then next, I just want to get married... and be with one person. But, I know, in my heart, I'm better, healthier if I'm single. But it doesn't stop me from wanting my knight to come sweep me off my feet. I want romance.... I want love.. I want a family.

Just Realize Something..

JERRY.. the guy.. who I hang out with most the time..
the one that is not attracted to me... (because I'm fat)...
and Who.. I seem to annoy alot..

Spends more time with me, and puts me number one, and comforts me, and shows me more true affection, than any guy I've dated.... in almost the past year..
That is pretty fucked up.

Now I'm fucked off even more. Can I ever meet a "real" man...

Nah, not sure what I'd do with one even if i found one.. right now, I'd rather just have some good.. and hot sex..

Tired

So tired... so worn out..
and upset about alot of things.... and for once.. its not all to do with men..
We all know they just suck anyway... (some better than others)....

Met a nice guy, not sure if we are going to date or not, but def want to see each other again. Missed Jerry.. saw him tonite, we watched a movie.. and I got lots of hugs.. i still don't know why he puts up with me... I was cranky tonite too.

I have alot of shit to do.. so I better get my ass to bed...

Missing Rocketmail TONITE....

Most people don't know what it is.. or care... but back in the day..
It was my first email address... joulesofaffection@rocketmail.com And it is still with me today. It stuck. Unique.. loving... powerful- ME! Now its ran by yahoo, so my account is just like any other yahoo users, but.. its awesome the way things became the way they did. Why do I think about this? Cuz.. its yahoo's anniversary of their incorporation (I believe).. and its about this time.. when I was 16- 10 long years ago.. that I first got online. I remember it took me hours to chose my email name. I tried like a million... IT was fun.

Ran into this, http://flakmag.com/opinion/rocket.html Someone else that had Rocketmail mail, back in the olden days. I look back and think about how fucking lucky I am. I know people that are just learning what www is.. and some that.. still have no fucking clue.

Technology is a wonderful toy.... if only love was so wonderful, easy, and fun to explore with.

So Much I want to post..

About polyamous relationships...

About...
T., John, D., Mark, and a variety of other people.... that I love to hate.. ahahh

Oh...
well have to write more.. includeing about Francis's brother... blah
why do men like me? I'm bad news.

Love: The Perfect Imperfection of Our Relationships

by Jim Ewing

In the course of my practice, I've increasingly been met by people with relationship problems -- spouses, lovers, parents, children, even the living and the departed -- people whose lives are disrupted by various issues regarding the ones they love, have loved or regarding the search for love.

Some, maybe most, of this increasing disturbance in relationships can be attributed to Earth Changes -- the changes of energies associated with astrological and solar upheaval impelling Earth's citizens toward Ascension. But Earth Changes, Ascension, Zero Point, End of Times, etc., energies only accelerate our spiritual paths, they don't make the lessons we are meant to -- or chose to -- confront in the Earth school. Consciously taking the road to Ascension makes our path quicker but the lessons are the same.

Some call these upheavals control dramas. In this view, when spouses fight, couples break up, individuals rage or withdraw, the events are seen as methods for one person to gain control over another or steal energy or control in a relationship. This viewpoint has merit and can be a component. But, in my mind, these relationship scenarios might more accurately be called lack of control dramas. I prefer to call them personal dramas or simply dramas.

A control drama or personal drama, at heart, is a device of the personality (or ego) to make the individual do what he or she should be doing anyway. It simply puts the issue squarely at center in a relationship where it cannot be avoided.

It's very wasteful energetically; but sometimes what we want is not what we truly need. Nor are we always strong or brave enough to confront our individual truths. Then, the drama takes over. If we were perfect masters of our relationships, we would confront personal issues without so much drama; it has to do with spiritual discipline; but drama will do the trick.

For example, if two people are too clingy, losing selfhood in a relationship, there may be fights, resentment, etc. It's basically a lack of balance in the relationship; each must balance nurturing of self with giving of self to the other.

What each person believes he or she requires in a relationship may vary and long-term imbalances can occur; or they can be short-term imbalances. All seek balance in our relationships and are happy when we find it (although one's balance may not be the balance another seeks).

If mastery of balance is not attained in one relationship, the lesson will recur in the next and the next until it is learned. But each relationship is an opportunity for self-discovery with the reward of mutual growth -- even miracles. We must find the balance of wholeness, in ourselves, with others.

It is a riddle: We each seek wholeness in our relationships, yet we cannot have a positive and fulfilling relationship until we are each whole. There can be no getting without giving; we cannot give what we do not have. Wholeness finds wholeness and completion. There can be no all yin and all yang; each must be complete unto itself to find balance, wholeness and completion.

Yet, we are imperfect beings. If we were perfect, we would need no one. We would be complete unto ourselves. But we live in polarity, light and dark, up and down, male and female. The Creator knows perfection, where there is no polarity, but we do not. We can strive for it, make progress toward it, but attaining perfection is not the normal lot of the inhabitants of the Earth school. We would not be here unless we had lessons to learn. And we must share with others to learn the lessons.

How do we solve this riddle? True love is giving, not limiting. It is encouraging freedom and individuality while sharing, giving those differences to the relationship to create a greater, mutual wholeness.

The riddle again: You cannot hold love in your heart without releasing it -- to return enriched, greater than it was before.

That is the risk of love, the challenge, the test, the fear maker. Yet releasing must be done to build love, to make it grow.

As painful as it may be to lose love, to end a relationship, the real pain is in holding on to a relationship too closely so it cannot grow. Both people in the relationship are harmed, both are shortchanged, for the strength and power of love is its ability to grow, to be unbounded, a wellspring never ceasing. It is, once again, balance.

A lot of what is written about love and relationships -- reflected in movies, TV, novels, popular songs -- does not describe love but dependency or, as the psychologists call it, codependency. You cannot live without someone, as the songs suggest? If that's true, you cannot live. Neither can you love. Sustaining love is self-sustaining, like life itself.

The caged bird cannot fly. But love always comes home to roost, if its home is in the heart and not the mind. I would recommend anyone interested in relationships to read "Walking Between the Worlds: The Science of Compassion" by Gregg Braden (Radio Bookstore Press; Bellevue, Wash.; 1997).

I believe what he says is true about the Essene Mirrors, that our relationships are mirrors of ourselves. Our most intimate relationships reflect the most intimate areas of growth that we need. The areas that keep returning are ones that will keep returning until we get them right.

I have found this to be true. But, remember, also, relationships change just as we do. Our outer world reflects our inner world and our most intimate partners, when their lessons are similar to our own, will change according to the changes we make, if they are willing to be partners in the personal, individual, inner work of their growth, as well.

Relationships generally last as long as they are needed. Some are lifelong relationships; some are not. But as long as we try to cling to a relationship, without growing, it is surely doomed. For relationships that don't grow will inevitably falter on the narrowing base of the balance of experience and expectation. That is the freedom and responsibility of love, true love: respect, honor, freedom, growth ... partnership. It's hard, yes. It's hard to love another, with true love, unconditional love, allowing the other person to be him or herself. But it's hard because it requires we recognize, nourish and commit to our individual love, growth and development, too. How can we give something to someone else that we don't give ourselves? If we love ourselves, our true "self," then we can love others with unbounded passion, since that love comes from the wellspring of the heart, not the expectations of the mind. It is eternal and based on the type of love, unconditional love, that is given by the Creator and reflected all around us.

But if we love with restrictions and "I love this, but not that," which is what we too often do to ourselves, creating and sustaining our shadow self that we reject in and of ourselves, then our love of another will be limited and limiting, as well. And it will be based on deception: betrayal of ourselves; doomed.

All betrayal is ultimately self betrayal. When we refuse to see certain aspects in another or in a situation, it is the denial of that truth that betrays us. No one is perfect. Our love is not perfect, for we are human, not God (though we each have the Divine within us and are co-creators). But we can seek to use the mirrors of our relationships as roadmaps to progress in ourselves.

Where awareness goes, consciousness follows and manifestation of being is born.

Balance in a relationship reflects the balance of care for ourselves. If we are too selfish, we cannot find sustaining love; if we are too selfless, we cannot find sustaining love. An unbalanced relationship cannot stand. We can, when drama arises, step back, assess, see if we are truly seeing (the shamanistic practice of discernment) or are reacting; discern if we are learning, growing, or just falling back on old patterns. This is the art of impeccability, being true to ourselves.

Remember, we come into this life naked and alone; we will leave it naked before the Creator despite whatever material things are heaped around us, and our atonement - - at-one-ment -- will be our own, then, also. The universe responds to our wants (intent) and needs (perception of self). Unfortunately, these are largely formed by society/culture and not usually the product of inner exploration and outward discovery (which is actually the mirror of inner exploration).

So, we set our sights -- and create our reality -- based on premises that are not our own and we are left wanting. We enter relationships with what we think we want and need. The universe knows only truth, perfection as an active principle, and is not deceived. Since we ask for imperfection, we receive perfect imperfection. Since each moment is the Mind Of God, we receive both what we think we want and need and what we truly do -- which is the way toward perfection, or the answer to the riddle we posed.

By facing the false (what we think we want and need), we are given the opportunity to discern what we truly want and need.

There lies the perfection of the perfect imperfection. Which, at heart, is our selves in this world of polarity.

The answer is in ourselves all along. We are perfect mirrors of what we seek, with the questions and the answers all of one piece, our relationships clues toward solving the perfect imperfection.

The question will I find the perfect mate? is, rather, will I find the perfect me? The answer: It is there all along. It has only to come into being (manifestation) for you to recognize it. That requires you to act and not wait for another who may not materialize, or simply to react. Our personal growth is our own responsibility and cannot be foisted upon another. Our mirrors reflect this progress toward this truth.

Look in the mirror and see what your mirror tells you:

Question: Will I find my soul mate?
Answer: Will you find your soul? (All your relations are soul mates, reflections of different aspects of you.)

Question: Can I find someone to trust?
Answer: Can you (do you?) trust your self?

Question: Will someone ever love me?
Answer: Will you ever love your self?

Complaint: I don't want to be alone!
Declaration: Then don't be lonely!

We choose who, what and how we will be in each moment. If you want to change your relationships, change yourself. If you want change, then become different.

Moment by moment, day by day. As you change, your relationships will change.

You must embrace what you want and release what you don't want. That is your responsibility, not to chain yourself to old habits or patterns of behavior -- and, thereby, not chain yourself to relationships that no longer serve you. You cannot control others, but you can control yourself.

Does this mean that commitment means nothing? Of course not. Commitment can be the highest expression of love between two people. But you owe it to yourself and your relationship to ask: What are you committing to? And what is your commitment?

Commitment means aiming for the best possible sharing and growth for your relationship -- for you and for your partner -- as circumstances or the present allows. Commitment, however, does not mean being shackled forever by an unfulfilling, unrewarding or outgrown relationship. The choice and the responsibility is our own.

As my friend Allison Rae of Sedona, Ariz. (See her webpage: The Star Center at www.thestarcenter.org) relates, we must in this time of change align ourselves first with our higher selves. It may be that our relationships are falling away as we do this. But we must do it for our own salvation, our commitment to ourselves to fulfil our greatest destiny.

"As we align, we raise our frequency. As we raise our frequency, we notice old relationships falling away with others who do not share our values, our ideals, our commitment to spiritual growth. We release and grieve the loss," she says.

"This creates an opening for new partners to enter our lives. Conscious relationship involves two beings whose first commitment is to Spirit -- service to the divine force of all Creation and the path of conscious evolution. With that commitment firmly in place, we are then able to draw in a partner of similar intent. But if we do have a partner who is on the same path, we can continue to grow and evolve in love, commitment and service.

"The most honest commitment we can make with our human partner," she says, is to share the Earth walk for as long as it serves our growth and the divine plan. "Our biggest challenge in conscious relationship is to open our heart fully and freely, without fear of the pain of loss. Like everything else, relationships follow the flow of Creation. They begin, they grow, they end. If we are afraid of the ending from the beginning, we will not receive the growth. We must open our hearts to fully feel and experience all phases of the relationship in order to move forward on our soul path."

If there is a commitment between two partners to grow together, they must commit to change: change in self, change in the other, change in relationships. Yes, there is the risk of loss, of losing the relationship, but there is also risk for the greater reward: a lasting, loving, growing relationship that becomes ever richer and fulfilling.

Relationships grow through change; they are renewed through change. Commitment is built through change and reaffirmed through change.

Remember, love grows by giving it, releasing it, without limit, without restriction. If you and your partner share true love, you will be unafraid to love, completely, with trust, honesty, fairness, and commitment -- to love that person as you do yourself and, thereby, nurture individual and mutual growth. Ask your partner: What can we do to make our love grow? What should we do, individually and together, to build our relationship?

Each ask and share the answer: What do I need?

Commitment is expressed through dialogue, through sharing thoughts and experiences. It is important to establish basic understandings and realize that they change over time, as experience is accrued. It is important to keep dialogue open and, however uncomfortable, to address and resolve conflicts, changes or developing issues.

The greatest obstacle to keeping a relationship is fear, fear of losing a relationship that means so much that it can sabotage that relationship by stifling crucial communication, thus spawning more fear and miscommunication.

If you can find peace in a mutual and equal accommodation (even, and maybe especially, if it requires thoughtful sacrifice -- balance -- from both), your love and commitment will grow.

It is imbalance, often through lack of honest communication, that cripples relationships.

If you cannot face these issues, then what is being committed to? Are you willing to limit and shortchange yourself and your partner by not asking and answering these questions honestly?

If you don't face this, expect more dramas.

Remember, we do this work, this study of non-ordinary reality, the realm of spirit, the discovery of the unknown, through alternative, complementary, vibrational or energy medicine, through Reiki, shamanism, Consegrity, or whatever may be our modality, not to escape reality but to discern it more clearly, to accelerate our healing, growth and development, and that of others in our Sacred Circle, and the Earth itself. We each are crucial in The Sacred Hoop of Life. Love is sharing what we have of heart, mind and soul with another, discovering it in ourselves, with newness and aliveness, truly living.

If we accept that challenge, of risk, of trust, of reaching out, we will find setbacks and barriers, but we will find freedom, too. And that is the joy we can hold eternally in ourselves as we step into the next realm. In relationships, we may not find who we are looking for, but we will find who will meet. That is truth. We meet ourselves at every step of the way. For each moment is reality; each moment is a gift, an eternal present; the past is gone, the future not yet.

We can either accept the reality of our surroundings, the relationships that are and the opportunities before us, and participate, discovering ourselves in what the Creator has freely given us, or we can always be looking over the horizon for the imaginary, focusing on the "lack" or incompleteness of the moment, making it our destiny, and fail to recognize the miracles that surround us in the moment, each moment -- which can at any moment transform into new realities of being. To love the moment is to love ourselves and what the Creator has given us, however we may judge it with our tiny consciousness.

If we are open to the Big Mind, the Nagual, the unnamed and unnameable of each moment, we expand ourselves and our opportunities. That is where miracles of all kinds, including miracles of the heart, are born.

And, as with all things, we must have forgiveness, compassion and prayer. In The Sacred Hoop Of Life, when we see a person through the eyes of spirit, it changes who we both are. Our actions are then determined by spirit, not want, not control, for we are then acting from a position of abundance, from the Source of abundance, the heart, the Mind Of God, and both action and thought have tremendous impact on our environment. Can we find perfection? No. Only perfect being is perfect and we are not perfect beings. Our diversity is in fact our strength. But we can recognize the perfect imperfection of love and relationships in this world of polarity and we can commit to progress in all we do. A hint: It is sometimes hard to let go, but it is easy to step aside and let the Creator take over.


Mitakuye Oyasin!
Aho.


About This Contributor: Jim Ewing is a Reiki master/teacher and shamanic healer who lives in Lena, Miss. His website is: Healing The Earth/Ourselves -- www.blueskywaters.com) Mitakuye Oyasin