Personality Disorder?? me? NEVER!!!

dependent


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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Inner Child

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
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Color Test- What Color Are You?

You are orange. You are emotional. Outside, you are bitter and stubborn, inside you are hopeful, hoping someone will come save you from the bitterness of your own mind. You constantly feel the need to prove yourself, and you look up to those who can make thier dreams happen. You are broken, but not beyond repair like maroon.

What inner color are you?

Pain free and lonely me

Not much to blog about. Feeling quite lonely, and left out I suppose. I've realized recently, I don't have as many true friends as I thought I did, just acquaintainces, and that is something I've never really brought to my reality. Sad but true.

No headaches, for about 4 days now !!! Terrific news!!

I feel alot of pain because I'm not as close to certain family members. I think back and its not any different from being in Wichita. No phone calls, no letters. Although I do see this person once in a while, I don't really get to talk to her. I hate it. I want to be closer to someone in my family. I want to really feel like someone cares. I mean this person decided on a date for an important event, and where it was going to be, and didn't bother to tell me, but told everyone else. I hate feeling like an outsider. I want my own family. I want my own place in life. I want my own place in this world. Although it is a world, I would never want to own up to. It is an angry evil place. I want to find the good in life. I want to go with what I truely believe, that most people are good. I want to see it for myself though.

Not sure what else to say... Although I am bothered, because Calin said I seemed to be cold lately. And then he wouldn't explain himself. It makes my heart ache. Although it already does because I miss him so. I keep having this feeling, that we are wasting our time, and no matter what we do, we won't be together. I know that is my negativeness, but no matter how much I try and stay positive about out future that comes to me.

I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying right now. Feeling so alone, and lonely.. and not wanted... I'm hurting alot inside. I need to be held. I need to be loved.

One day I will find what I need.

Something to think about.

I sit here realizeing that my life is going nowhere really fast. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck between wanting to rule the world, and wanting to go up to my bed, and sleep forever. I hate that I have to feel this emotional pain. I hate feeling the physical pain I feel almost on a daily basis. I fear going out and forgetting my medicine.

I am also sitting here feeling guilty for my grandmother having missing 120 dollars. It was only my sister and I in the house, and then the money was gone. I know I didn't take it. Why do I feel so guilty. Because I allowed myself to let her in. She's my fucking sister for Christ sake. I didn't steal the money, I don't have any proof she did either. But either way, I'm not responsible. Then why do both my grandma and my aunt find me responsible. Maybe cuz my whole family is fucked up. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for something I didn't do, I have enough guilt on my shoulders, from things I did do

I'm also feeling bad because I've no wedding plans yet. Calin wants me to wait till he is here, and it is driving me nuts. So nuts that I'm having negative thoughts about the whole thing. I guess I just don't want to be ill prepared. That and I guess I'm jealous, cuz my gram is helping Sally, and I know that noone will help me with my wedding plans. It drives me crazy. I just wish I could feel as if I belonged to a part of my family. I know in my head, that I never will though.

Something else I wanted to ponder. The other day in partial.. I played the most violent sport on earth. It was ping pong. YOu should of been there. I almost got my head taken off. It was all in good fun though.

Thoughts: a little confused, erriatic, negative, and a little suicidal
Interruptions: positive affirmations, and positive reinforcement.

I am trying to enjoy my life, its a hard struggle though.