On My Desk....

Is a fortune cookie fortune. It says... "You will come to realizations in you life that change you forever" .....

I had that up there for a long time, and then one day I looked at it again. That was a few months ago, or maybe a little longer, when I first came to some realizations about my life.

Last nite I came to another one.

The men that want me, or that I want, either physically or mentally or emotionally... I don't really want them. I want them for one reason or another, but as a whole, I can't be with them. Mostly because of my mental/emotional health, but at this point, I can't ever see me building a life with any of them. For one reason or another, I don't trust most of them, I won't say all. A lot of them have habits, or lifestyles, that they don't for the most part bring here in front of me, but that I can't tolerate in my lifestyle. I would never ask them to stop those behaviours, because that isn't my call, but I don't want someone I love involved in anything like that.

Today, A.A., my friend asked me how my boyfriend was, I replied, " what boyfriend, or should I say which one?" I am not sure what made me say this, but to an extent its true. All these men chase after me, or want me, whether to build a relationship or just for sex, and although I feel good when I'm with them, they usually aren't there either physically, (they live far away), or emotionally.... They have their own lives, which I'm not involved in.

Its sad but true, and now, I just have to find the strength to let go and move on completely, because as they don't want to intentionally hurt me, I don't want to hurt them, and continueing with my behaviours, leads people to think things, besides what I mean.

What... to ... do??

Life is so complicated. I really like him, but I'm afraid. I never had a man, that was so sweet and loving, that....
A. I wasn't madly in love with, instantly.
B. That didn't try to get into my pants
C. That was so young... (21)
D. That is both a good boy, and a bad boy, thats never got caught...

He follows my bad patterns though...
1. He lives with his mom
2. He only has a part time job (although he's going to school)
3. But he's withdrawn from his classes, or just stopped going


He is more concerned that I need to be happy with what I already have...

4. He smokes weed.... and I'm sure done other illegal things...

But regardless... of any of it. Its nice, to have someone so close, (He lives two doors down), but I really need to set my priorities straight... and I hope that I can do this... and still get closer to him, and get to know him... and give it a chance.... instead of running away...