This is funny. I just found this on another blog I wrote....
wow.. my life is sooo fucked up.
Monday, September 22, 2003
I think about writing a book, and I think I am greatly crazy. What do you think? It's ok "they" already know I'm crazy... and I am NOT talking about the FBI, CIA or the Aliens.
MY LIFE RIGHT NOW...
I'm currently almost engaged to my Romanian boyfriend, and wondering if I am doing the right thing, or if I am screwing up my life. C, is very sweet and I love him so much, but it is completely emotional. Is there anything wrong with that? Not really, better than being completely sexual. Know what I mean? So basically I think it is just my negativity in the way of my happiness.
My sister, A.. well her and her long time bf of almost three years just broke up. I think because he is wanting to be a kid again, and just realized he can't do that cuz they had a kid three (almost four) months ago. That is life, but my sister is pretty depressed, same as I am, but what is new?
Nothing on the home front, still living here, staying with CA, my gram... and hating it. I want my own place, but yet I don't. What do I do? Nothing, I just sit here and wait. I realized today, I only wanted to be here because of my sisters and brothers, and not it doesn't even make a difference to any of them. JC my brother is in a foster home, which is a good thing for him. S, my sister got a drinking underage Friday, and then was doing drugs yesterday.. WTF I say.. I am not helping them any. A is the only one I feel I am really helping, and she wants to take a bus with me back to KS, to get away from all this shit. She's just as fucking crazy as they are.
Well that is my life, as I know it today. SO be it.
Posted 9/22/2003 9:55 PM
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Sunday, March 11, 2007
I love him
I love him so much, I wish we could get thru this. I'm so upset about all this. He's upset too. I don't blame him. I hurt him, he hurt me. We hurt each other so much. I feel like he thinks I cheated on him. I didn't. I wouldn't. I love him. It hurts me so much.
How do we get thru this. Right now, even though I know I'm not even his girlfriend, I'm still upset. He keeps telling me this is my call, not his, but it is again his. That is one of the things i was getting frustrated about. He told me he has a house all picked out, and that again, frustrates me, because like the dog... I wasn't consulted. My opinion didn't seem to matter, even though he told me orginally he wanted me to help him pick out a place. But again this point is null, since we aren't together, and even if he can take the time to trust me, I'm not sure if I can trust him. We both are kind of stuck.
We were talking just a few minutes ago, and he got upset and hung up on me. That hurts me more. I want to talk about this. I feel like he just wants to ignore things for the most part. When he first called me, you wouldn't of thought anything was wrong at all. It bothers me.
He was more upset when he found out who it was that I was kissing. I feel like he thinks I'm a liar, but I'm not. I never said anything to make him believe it wasn't Travis. I'm sorry he feels I am. This whole thing kills me.
I'm doing my best to keep the thoughts out of my head. Its really hard.
How do we get thru this. Right now, even though I know I'm not even his girlfriend, I'm still upset. He keeps telling me this is my call, not his, but it is again his. That is one of the things i was getting frustrated about. He told me he has a house all picked out, and that again, frustrates me, because like the dog... I wasn't consulted. My opinion didn't seem to matter, even though he told me orginally he wanted me to help him pick out a place. But again this point is null, since we aren't together, and even if he can take the time to trust me, I'm not sure if I can trust him. We both are kind of stuck.
We were talking just a few minutes ago, and he got upset and hung up on me. That hurts me more. I want to talk about this. I feel like he just wants to ignore things for the most part. When he first called me, you wouldn't of thought anything was wrong at all. It bothers me.
He was more upset when he found out who it was that I was kissing. I feel like he thinks I'm a liar, but I'm not. I never said anything to make him believe it wasn't Travis. I'm sorry he feels I am. This whole thing kills me.
I'm doing my best to keep the thoughts out of my head. Its really hard.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Hurting
I'm hurting so bad. I feel like I want to die. I am so alone. Physically and mentally...
I got an email from him today, and all I done since, is think about crying, or cry... after everyone left. I'm here alone. I'm scared. I'm full of regret.
I loved him. I love him. I just couldn't deal with my feelings, and he would never talk to me about it. I felt so alone then... well for the last month... I felt like he was hiding things from me. I felt like didn't love me anymore. He promised me he'd be there for me when I got off the medicine. I asked him for help, and he blew me off. I told him how depressed I get around my birthday and he wasnt' there for me then either. I can't make him be there for me. I can't make him do anything. And all I wanted was for him to love me. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel like I was important.
I just want to curl up and die. I can't handle this feeling. I can't handle the pain. And I know he'll never understand. I hate how I feel like he blames me for everything going wrong. I know its not completely my fault. We were both at fault.
Part of me wants to slit my wrist and bleed to death...
Part of me wants to just cherish the good times.. and move on..
Part of me wants him back....
I just want him to understand..... I want to feel understood.
I don't want to feel like I do now, like I never meant anything to him....
I've had so many guys hit on me since yesterday... its rediculous... before I told any of them I was single. I don't want any of them. I want the feeling I had when he was here with me. I want to see his blue eyes, and his smile... I want to hear him say.. "you'd better!"
I got an email from him today, and all I done since, is think about crying, or cry... after everyone left. I'm here alone. I'm scared. I'm full of regret.
I loved him. I love him. I just couldn't deal with my feelings, and he would never talk to me about it. I felt so alone then... well for the last month... I felt like he was hiding things from me. I felt like didn't love me anymore. He promised me he'd be there for me when I got off the medicine. I asked him for help, and he blew me off. I told him how depressed I get around my birthday and he wasnt' there for me then either. I can't make him be there for me. I can't make him do anything. And all I wanted was for him to love me. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel like I was important.
I just want to curl up and die. I can't handle this feeling. I can't handle the pain. And I know he'll never understand. I hate how I feel like he blames me for everything going wrong. I know its not completely my fault. We were both at fault.
Part of me wants to slit my wrist and bleed to death...
Part of me wants to just cherish the good times.. and move on..
Part of me wants him back....
I just want him to understand..... I want to feel understood.
I don't want to feel like I do now, like I never meant anything to him....
I've had so many guys hit on me since yesterday... its rediculous... before I told any of them I was single. I don't want any of them. I want the feeling I had when he was here with me. I want to see his blue eyes, and his smile... I want to hear him say.. "you'd better!"
Thursday, March 08, 2007
My Lesson
I met this man, who brought me happiness. He did. I truely love him. After last nite, I realized it was over. I couldn't deal with it. Our relationship wasn't healthy. We didn't trust each other. It stemmed from our past. I say that is true of me, but I really can't speak for him.
I felt a few months ago, after our fight, that maybe he wasn't the one I was meant to be with, but I didn't want to give up without giving us a chance. But... I learned again... that my gut instinct is the one I should go with. He came into my life to teach me a lesson. A lesson about my nosiness.
I let him into my life, he had access to all my accounts.. my life.. my phone calls... everything. I had access to nothing. I don't even know his address. I bought him cards... and wrote them out, and couldn't send them.. because I didn't have anywhere to send them too.
At first it was cute & funny... and then.. I felt like he had something to hide.
Last week, I found a house... in Colorado Springs, that was mortgaged in his name and a woman's as well. I ranted to his voicemail about this... one nite the other day, when I couldn't stand it anymore. I never got a response. About anything. I'll just assume, after the call I just received its true.
He said... "oh you broke up with me..." I said.. " did I?" and he's like, "you locked me out of your accounts, you told me you couldn't handle it anymore...." and I was like " I can't" and he said.. "fine, you changed ur passwords, I am changing mine... " and he said something else.. and hung up. It all happened so quickly. I dialed back his number, and he basically treated me like it was all my fault. I know its not, and I will not accept the blame... although I'll feel it for some time. He accused me of seeing someone else, and spending time with other people... (which I was never seeing anyone else, I was faithful to him.. although.. I was tempted not to be faithful... but i was spending time with others...) why should I not spend time with my friends, when he can't make any time for me? Why should I seclude myself? Why should I feel guilty about having a life, when he has one, he never shared with me? I shouldn't. Then before the call ended.. he told me to never call or email him again.. and said.. " don't make me get a restraining order on you" I was like wtf? and that was after he said something about me not calling him for the last two days... Well my calls have got less and less in the past month, because I felt like it was a waste of time to call him... because he never called me back...
I am so hurt. I love how because I'm the one with the diagnosed mental problem... that it seems to be all my fault. Well its not. Its not normal for a guy to not give his gf his cell phone number or his address.. unless he has something to hide.
This whole fight started last nite.. when he called to scream at me.. for giving my friend Travis his "personal information". Travis is a friend of mine, for a few years... he was trying to console me when he knew I was having trouble with my relationship. He likes me but respects my relationship, and my faithfulness to the man I was dating... So, he like many others thought that my bf was lying to me. He said... "forward me the headers from the email he sent you." So I took the last email... and took all the words out.. and forwarded him... so Travis had the IP address and the email address. My so called boyfriend... called me from work to flip out about it. He can spy on me, and read my email, and my phone bills, but can't take the time to call me and tell me he loves me. Thats what pissed me off. I couldn't handle it after all the nites i was put off..
All I wanted was his help with makeing some important decisions that would effect our future... but I knew.. when he wouldn't take the time.. he couldn't be serious...
But... I thought I was the one with problems....
I love him... but I'll say it again... love is never enough.
I appreciate all that we had. The closeness. The kisses. He truely made me feel special, and believe in myself. How he could finish my sentences, before i even started them.. and vice versa...
Right now, I have no idea what he's feeling, but he was way out of line. I just wish I could understand, but I know... I will have to accept that I never will.
I felt a few months ago, after our fight, that maybe he wasn't the one I was meant to be with, but I didn't want to give up without giving us a chance. But... I learned again... that my gut instinct is the one I should go with. He came into my life to teach me a lesson. A lesson about my nosiness.
I let him into my life, he had access to all my accounts.. my life.. my phone calls... everything. I had access to nothing. I don't even know his address. I bought him cards... and wrote them out, and couldn't send them.. because I didn't have anywhere to send them too.
At first it was cute & funny... and then.. I felt like he had something to hide.
Last week, I found a house... in Colorado Springs, that was mortgaged in his name and a woman's as well. I ranted to his voicemail about this... one nite the other day, when I couldn't stand it anymore. I never got a response. About anything. I'll just assume, after the call I just received its true.
He said... "oh you broke up with me..." I said.. " did I?" and he's like, "you locked me out of your accounts, you told me you couldn't handle it anymore...." and I was like " I can't" and he said.. "fine, you changed ur passwords, I am changing mine... " and he said something else.. and hung up. It all happened so quickly. I dialed back his number, and he basically treated me like it was all my fault. I know its not, and I will not accept the blame... although I'll feel it for some time. He accused me of seeing someone else, and spending time with other people... (which I was never seeing anyone else, I was faithful to him.. although.. I was tempted not to be faithful... but i was spending time with others...) why should I not spend time with my friends, when he can't make any time for me? Why should I seclude myself? Why should I feel guilty about having a life, when he has one, he never shared with me? I shouldn't. Then before the call ended.. he told me to never call or email him again.. and said.. " don't make me get a restraining order on you" I was like wtf? and that was after he said something about me not calling him for the last two days... Well my calls have got less and less in the past month, because I felt like it was a waste of time to call him... because he never called me back...
I am so hurt. I love how because I'm the one with the diagnosed mental problem... that it seems to be all my fault. Well its not. Its not normal for a guy to not give his gf his cell phone number or his address.. unless he has something to hide.
This whole fight started last nite.. when he called to scream at me.. for giving my friend Travis his "personal information". Travis is a friend of mine, for a few years... he was trying to console me when he knew I was having trouble with my relationship. He likes me but respects my relationship, and my faithfulness to the man I was dating... So, he like many others thought that my bf was lying to me. He said... "forward me the headers from the email he sent you." So I took the last email... and took all the words out.. and forwarded him... so Travis had the IP address and the email address. My so called boyfriend... called me from work to flip out about it. He can spy on me, and read my email, and my phone bills, but can't take the time to call me and tell me he loves me. Thats what pissed me off. I couldn't handle it after all the nites i was put off..
All I wanted was his help with makeing some important decisions that would effect our future... but I knew.. when he wouldn't take the time.. he couldn't be serious...
But... I thought I was the one with problems....
I love him... but I'll say it again... love is never enough.
I appreciate all that we had. The closeness. The kisses. He truely made me feel special, and believe in myself. How he could finish my sentences, before i even started them.. and vice versa...
Right now, I have no idea what he's feeling, but he was way out of line. I just wish I could understand, but I know... I will have to accept that I never will.
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