Heart

Not sure what to say or where to begin. I've already been feeling really down.. and well. ... This guy I like.. well more than like, whose been part of my life for over 3 years, told me that he didn't think of me as any more than a friend. Hearing those words was hard. Part of my heart hurts. I knew that nothing would ever become of it anyway because of our lives, but hearing him say that. It took him a while too, I asked him 2 days ago, how he felt about me. He told me today. I know part of why he didn't want to tell me. I'm sure he thinks I'm so fragile, and I'd react badly. I'm not going to slit my wrists or anything, but I have tears I'm trying to hold back until I go to bed, so I can be alone with my thoughts. I've been so anxious and depressed lately. I just want to know someone loves me. I think that is my problem. I can't think of any more to say, feeling so hurt.

Me

Fuck.
Its me.
I look in the mirror,
and I see..
This scared little girl,
Thats me.

Who is she?
What does she want to be?
Who is she?
Is she really me?

How can I be sure?
How do I know if i'm real?
I hate this,
but this is the way that I feel.

I'm hurting,
and dying inside,
I'm hurting, and
my feelings I do hide.

I hide them from myself,
I'll hide them from you.
I want to share them,
but not sure how to.

Hot or Not

I have a couple profiles there now.. but here's my newest one. I'm bored tonite, can't you tell.

Borderline Article

I guess one of the easiest ways to pass on some good information is my blog. If anyone has time... I hope they take the time to read this. It's an article about cutting. When i read it, I felt like it could explain cutting a little better than I could. I feel like it is a great article, but, it did trigger me a bit. This is the first time, I've really read anything that was a trigger. Probably because I'm already moody about alot of things going on in my life.. and this just added to it.

I find it so hard that noone can truely understand me. I know so people that actually wish that they could. Its so hard, because I don't even understand me. I feel like I'm really messed up right now. I hate that feeling. I just want to go back to feeling ok again, mentally, emotionally .. .. and physically.

Weekends

Well, from what the test said yesterday. I'm not pregnant. I'll know all the official results in two weeks. Also got the Hep B vaccine, which is a good thing. Stupid me also burnt my foot on the heater yesterday. OUCH.. it hurts.. but.. anyway.. as soon as I got out of the clinic.. and J. got home. . he called me. I can't figure him out. We break up, and now he wants to see me again. I heard some stuff today, from my aunt, about his sister, and his mom.. and well.. its no wonder, his family is about as fucked up as mine.. (if not worse). Just makes me wonder... cuz I can't figure him out. Cuz after the other nite .. when I confronted him.. about even wanting to be in a relationship with me.. I just felt better about the whole thing cuz it was over.

Anyway.. not sure what to think about life right now. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. I started to update my resume, that went well. Have almost all the info I need, but need to really update my references. Trying to decide who to keep on there and who to change, as I haven't even communicated with the people on there for years. Asked my aunt to pick me up an application from Adelphia. She said she would try.. we will see. If not, I'll just have to go over there sometime. Debating, talking to Tops, about my job back. .. debating where I want to move.. what I want to do. Not sure I want to stay around here.. but not sure I want to leave all by myself either. Have to get my whole car situation figured out first. We will see.

Not much else to say for now.

I look into the sky
and what do I see.
I see my life looking
back at me.

Reality, or dreams
come true,
somehow,
they rarely do.

I'm looking down on
my life.
Trying not to think,
about the knife.

Hard to do,
but I can...
I know it..
Its easier than...

I think.

falalallal

I'm a fucked up mess. I'm going crazy. I've been on a high for a few weeks now, and well.. now its dropping. Maybe cuz of lack of going to the gym, or that my pretending is just getting to me. Do I pretend, or did those things.. not bother me. Do i pretend they don't bother me? Who knows. I don't anymore. I have no idea who I am. Or why I am.. or what..

I've been on such a good high.. feeling soo good... and today.. I'm crying.. and want to curl in a ball.. and die. All I can think about is that pregnancy test on Thursday. And what if.. and if I am.. what am I doing to my baby now, not letting the Doctor know I mite be pregnant and I'm on all these meds. I'm such a fuck up. Maybe I'm not, but I feel like it right now. I just want to know.. that I'm not pregnant.. and then be able to move on , and make some choices from there. I don't know if being with J. is even good for me. I feel like no matter what , no relationship will ever satisfy me... because they never care what I want or need. I mean.. all I want is some love and compassion. I want to be listened to. I feel like I give much in return. I am very loving. I would give you the world if I could. I would give you my anything... and all I want to know is that you love me.. and are honest and faithful to me. That is too much to ask.... for some people. Just I don't understand, why these two particular men could give me the attention I wanted before we dated, but then when I start dating them, its like I'm no longer of importance. Is this my ..thing.. or theirs.. I mean.. are they really paying less attention? or do I expect more attention? I'm not sure. I just don't get it. I just want them to follow thru. Call me.. when you say you will call, email when you say you will email. Call me and see how I'm doing... DON'T YOU CARE? I've been so sick lately.. and I feel like noone even.. notices... I hate it.. i wish I'd just stop breathing sometimes. Its scary cuz I feel like with this asthma, that I will just stop breathing.. and noone will notice.. and I can see myself in the coffin.. and.. its so unreal.


I just don't know what to tell myself to feel better. Maybe just to be single again, and not have any expectations.. cuz the expectations I have of myself are too much already, I shouldn't expect anyone else to live up to them. I just wish I didn't want so much.. but then I don't feel like I'm asking for so much. I mean... I'm used to seeing my bf almost everyday.. or talking to him.. and I hardly see mine. Its stupid. I want more time. I want more everything. I will never be happy. I shouldn't say that. CUZ.... I Will be HAPPY one day. I will be..

I cried as I wrote that. Right now.. it feels so off, but I remember feeling yesterday, as if I was happier than I had been in a while, despite all that was going on. I hate being borderline. I forget the feelings I felt. I forgot.. everything. I forget my own happiness even if it was five minutes ago. It makes me sick that I can be so fucked up, but then.. I feel sooo NORMAL ( (i hate that word) sometimes.... I mean.. I could pass for a normal person. .. but.. what is normal?

I dunno.. I just want to curl up.. in a ball.. and have someone that loves me.. put their arms around me and tell me it will be alright.. and gentle stroke my hair.. until i fall asleep.. and I feel their lips.. gently touch my forehead.. as they tuck me in bed..

I just want to feel loved, and wanted, and needed.

I need to be needed. It is what makes me happy.

Rampage

Emotions rampage
I feel like I'm in a cage
all alone,
nowhere to roam.

No freedom,
No food,
No fear,
No face....

Nothing to see,
nowhere to be,
But in this cage,
alone.

Anywhere but here,
I'd rather fear,
this cage,
than open space.

BAD BLOGGER

I'm such a bad blogger... least I've been keeping busy.. Great THING!! I did blog last week, but then, got a phone call and had to go offline.. and lost what I wrote. STupid me.. tried hitting post and publish when offline.. and grrr.. it dissappeared..
so.. I guess... I have alot of updating to do, so.. years down the road when I read this, I can remember..what the hell i was going thru at this point in my life.

So... M. and I dated.. for a little while later, things just started getting, where I wasn't happy, partly cuz I knew there was no real future involved for us ( I know, too much too soon) but when I get with someone, I want to know that potential is there, marriage, kids.. and with M. I knew it would never be. He's a great guy, but we parted on good terms, and are still friends and all that good stuff. He's still my sweetie. :) He's been there for me still even after we broke up. It hurt more than I thought it would, but I'm pretty much ok with it. Partly because while M. and I were seeing each other, his friend started paying attention to me.. and well things sort of happened that shouldn't have. M. considers that we were in an open relationship.. so it didn't bother him.. on my end, but I still think of my reasoning.. behind it.. and can't really justify it. But.. so J, the friend.. and I started spending time together... though he had a gf that lived out of town (in Ohio).. and.. then M. and I broke up, and agreed to be friends.. and J's gf broke up with him.. and now J and I are dating. That has only been a few days, though. Since Saturday.

Though since Saturday, I feel he's not been too good of a bf, but.. time will always tell. Shit happens right. I've been really busy, so I haven't dwelled on it, like I did with M. I made M. .. or tried to make him the center of my life, and that is the last thing he wanted in the world. Communication.. well.. is one of my troubles..and I have a hard time.. really opening up to J. I am just annoyed.. right now..cuz i wanted to talk to him.. on Sat morning.. and asked him to not go to bed.. and he just went to bed.. without.. talking to me first.. Then.. last nite.. I was in Bradford late. . so I thought I'd stop and see him.. and couldnt get ahold of him.. and he never called me like he said he would.. blah men. Oh well. I've been busy, with the gym.. and doctors.

DOCTORS... Dare and I have been sick. She had pneonemia, she's fully recovered, and just went to the Dr last nite, and has a slight head cold. You wouldn't know the girl was in the hospital, she even gained 2lbs !! She's such a riot. Me, on the other hand, I've been to the ER twice, and the DR.. once..and going again here in a few minutes.. they say... "bronchiiis, no.. ur asthma. " I'm on steriods, that kill my stomache.. and inhalers.. and.. my allergie meds.. and a decongestant.. and etc.. I HATE IT.

SPeaking of meds. I ran out of LExapro a few weeks.. or a month ago or something, havent noticed anything from that. Well, ran out of the Topamax yesterday, so we will see if it did anything for my mood. I'd rather not be on it. I will try to go to partial on Thursday, depends on what Sally is doing. (my aunt is coming up TODAY.. YEAH!!!.. i miss her) and let them know about the meds and stuff. I haven't been to therapy.

Overall, I think I'm doing ok. I had my middle of the month episode. I think you should just put in me in a straight jacket from around the 13th of the month to the 19th or so. I've noticed a pattern in my SI (self injure, and suicidal) tendicies. I've not been sleeping much. I went to bed after midnite last nite.. and was up at 7:30 this morning. I feel good to go. This could be because of many things. My going to the gym and losing weight, being sick, I blame mania... (who knows--never been diagnosed bipolar..but .... ) or.. i've even though.. of .. what is that SADD.. the seasonal disorder..where because of the lighting and the sun. I notice now, when i wake up in the AM, because the sun is up, I smile, because it feels good, to see the sun, rather than the dark when getting up. The weather, though a little dreary, is getting soooo much better. Its very nice to see.

Well hoping to find more time for my blog. It is one of the best therapies.. for both myself and for my friends to help me thru the tough times. If I keep things bottled up inside.. that is when I explode. I don't want to explode anymore. I just want to be happy, and to live my life, the way it needs to be lived. I want to do something with it. Wish me luck.

NAS I CAN

[Kids-x2]I know I can (I know I can)Be what I wanna be (be what I wanna be)If I work hard at it (If I work hard it)I'll be where I wanna be (I'll be where I wanna be)[Nas]Be, B-Boys and girls, listen upYou can be anything in the world, in God we trustAn architect, doctor, maybe an actressBut nothing comes easy it takes much practiceLike, I met a woman who's becoming a starShe was very beautiful, leaving people in aweSinging songs, Lina Horn, but the younger versionHung with the wrong personGotta astrung when I heard whenCocaine, sniffing up drugs, all in her noseCoulda died, so young, now looks ugly and oldNo fun cause now when she reaches for hugs people hold they breathCause she smells of corrosion and deathWatch the company you keep and the crowd you bringCause they came to do drugs and you came to singSo if you gonna be the best, I'ma tell you howPut your hand in the air and take the vow[Chorus - 2x (Nas and Kids)]I know I can (I know I can)Be what I wanna be (be what I wanna be)If I work hard at it (If I work hard it)I'll be where I wanna be (I'll be where I wanna be)[Nas]Be, B-Boys and girls, listen againThis is for grown looking girls who's only tenThe ones who watch videos and do what they seeAs cute as can be, up in the club with fake IDCareful, 'fore you meet a man with HIVYou can host the TV like Oprah WinfreyWhatever you decide, be careful, some men beRapists, so act your age, don't pretend to beOlder than you are, give yourself time to growYou thinking he can give you wealth, but soYoung boys, you can use a lot of help, you knowYou thinkin life's all about smokin weed and iceYou don't wanna be my age and can't read and writeBegging different women for a place to sleep at nightSmart boys turn to men and do whatever they wishIf you believe you can achieve, then say it like this[Chorus]Be, be, 'fore we came to this countryWe were kings and queens, never porch monkeysIt was empires in Africa called KushTimbuktu, where every race came to get booksTo learn from black teachers who taught Greeks and RomansAsian Arabs and gave them gold whenGold was converted to money it all changedMoney then became empowerment for EuropeansThe Persian military invadedThey heard about the gold, the teachings and everything sacredAfrica was almost robbed nakedSlavery was money, so they began making slave shipsEgypt was the place that Alexander the Great wentHe was a'shocked at the mountains with black facesShot up they nose to impose what basicallyStill goes on today, you see?If the truth is told, the youth can growThey learn to survive until they gain controlNobody says you have to be gangstas, hoesRead more learn more, change the globeGhetto children, do your thingHold your head up, little man, you're a kingYoung Princess when you get your wedding ringYour man is saying "She's my queen"[Chorus x2]Save the music y'all, save the music y'allSave the music y'all, save the music y'allSave the music

The Panic Attack Dream

I don't want to retype it, so I'm just going to cut and paste what I wrote to my group earlier. I'm really disturbed by this... and if anyone has any ideas on how to help me with this.. please do. :)

Hello all,

HOpe everyone is safe, and know that I am too. I'm so upset today. I want to say I'm doing better than I have been. I found myself even giving myself a positive pep talk today, even without trying. I couldn't believe it. I'm usually so negative. I had my first Panic attack today, and I'm not even sure it can really be called so. I had it in a dream. I'm still so freaked out about it, and don't know what to do. I have anxiety about using my bf's bathroom now, luckily it happened at his house.. but still, its really hard. In the dream, I go into the bathroom, and I'm standing there in my pajamas, and my head is wrapped in a towel, ( the bathroom is blue), I turn around and latch the bathroom door, that have a little lock thingy. I stand in the middle, (it a large bathroom) as I stand in the middle of the bathroom I realize its not his bathroom,and I my heart starts to beat fast, and I am getting really really hot, I don't know what to do. The towel falls from my head.. and the room starts spinning.. then the towel is on my head.. my heart is beat faster and faster.. i feel paralized.. i can't move.. i can't speak, I'm so hot.. and scared, and I have to go to the bathroom... and this bathroom isn't Mikes.. and the towel falls.. again.. and i try to get it. . but its still on my head.. and I'm so hot.. I want to rip my clothes off.. but I'm afraid someone will see me naked, but i know, this isn't his bathroom and is seems so real, and I have to go to the bathroom, and the room is spinning and I'm so hot.. and I'm trying to scream.. and trying to scream.. and I want out and I just can't move... and I don't know what to do... and then I hear a scream.. and I feel the bed underneath me... and I feel my heart pound.. and I'm awake... And I just lay there... i feel like its had to breath.. and I"m alone in my boyfriends bed, and I know hes in the other room, but I"m so scared, of what is going to happen, and did I really scream, or was it part of the dream.. and I just lay there, and my heart is just pounding.. I've never felt anything so scary in my life.. So i go into the other room.. and my boyfriend looks at me.. and I ask him.. did i scream and he says.. yes.. and I tell him a little bit about it.. and I tell him I'm scared to go to the bathroom.. but.. I go anyway... I'm so scared something is going to happen, but I know that my fear is unrealistic.. but my heart pounds faster as I walk into the bathroom anyway.. and everytime i think of the blue bathroom, just as I am now.. I feel the same fear.. I felt.. After I went back to bed.. I think I cried for about an hour.. trying to tell myself not to be scared. I don't understand. I don't want to dream these things, or feel this things. I don't like things that are beyong my control.. but who does. Does anyone have anything helpful that they do, when they experience things like this... ??