Almost didn't care....

My boyfriend just told me, again, for the second time in two weeks, if I did... (something) again... he'd break up with me...

The first time was.. if I ever screamed/went off on him.. he'd break up with me... ok, I understand... but that is impossible for me... We made up a few days later, he said he was sorry he scared me.... and he said it because he was mad... ok, again.... I understand...

But tonite.. well I admitted to him, I'd been, as he calls "spying" on him. And yes, since he considers it spying, I shouldn't do it... but its just how I am... Well he told me, this is in my ball park. He said he was so mad already , he almost did break up with me. In my head I'm thinking, just do it and get it over with. I didn't have a tear in my eye. So he's saying, its in my ballpark, if we have this discussion again about me snooping in his email, or his phone account.. again.. that it won't be a discussion, it will be over. I was about to be like ok. And say, oh btw I'm reading your email now, just break up with me. I'd rather have it over with. Then I can go back to reality.

He asks me if I just don't trust him or I can't trust him. He says if I can't trust him, it might as well be over. I'm still in my head thinking... just do it now. I don't need this... why are we even together.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of not trusting him. I'm tired of being sad because we are fighting. I'm tired of wondering when I'll do something, and he'll walk out. I'm tired of wondering if we would be happy. I'm tired of wondering if we would be good together. I'm tired of thinking I should just walk out now, pain or no pain, set back or no set back. I'm tired of wondering if we are staying together because we are both lonely. I'm tired of wondering even why we are together....

At this point does it really matter. I think we are both wasting our time. Now is this me speaking or my depression?

How can you?

How can you tell someone you think they are lying to you, when you are doing somethign you really aren't supposed to do. I guess you could say I'm a bit deceiteful, but I don't do it to hurt anyone. I do it cuz I'm nosy.

I am very upset right now, because I think I'm being lied to. If I confront the person, I have to admit something I know that they won't like. I have to admit, I'm nosing into their things again.

Which is worse? Is it ok to let the lie go?

Will You Marry Me?

I asked him this. His reply: "YES" I tell him to quit teasing, he says he's not, he said he'd marry me, but he wants to do it the right way, in front of friends and family. I tell him he's crazy and drunk. He replies that he's not drunk. He's only had three beers and a bloody mary.

I've been in a high mood for a few days. Since Friday nite to be exact. Since I hung with my friend, since I got high. I've been physically not so great, but not wanting to kill myself or anyone else, you know.

All me and him have done for a few weeks now is fight. We faught today, I was just trying to mess with him about not coming up here, and it turned to an arguement, and him getting upset and wanting to push me away. He and I both know, he's not coming up here to visit. If he ever showed up here, i'd drop dead. Right now he doesn't even know where I live...b ut thats beside the point.

Thru our argueing, he told me Friday, he wanted me and Dare to come down there.. and he wanted to take care of us, and he really wishes he could, but he can't. I understand that. I never knew he felt that way before though. It hit me hard. All this time, I thought I was fucked up for wanting that...and not being able to say it.

My depression is overrunning me.. taking me over, and making me forget about the good stuff. All it made me think of was all the arguements we had. All the stupid stuff.

Right now I just want to cry..... I'm so scared of living.. i'm so scared of life. It hurts so bad.

I just have to keep reminding myself. Anything thats worth anything, is never easy to get.....

Its always going to be hard, but it will be worth it.

How do you??

How do you talk to an angel?
Nah... it really has nothing to do with that, but I have that song stuck in my head.
How do you know what reality is, when you suffer from depression? Cuz I'm stuck and lost right now.

I've met a totally great guy, only, I want to run away. Sometimes because I'm scared, sometimes because I'm mad, sometimes, because I want more.

Usually for me, I fall head over heels... with him, I did not. I really liked him, I loved talking to him, I loved his holding me, his kisses, the time he gave me... I wasn't in love with him. Shortly before we made love, I started having those, I wanna run away to Vegas feelings.... We made love, and now... its like we are an old married couple. But we fight, all the time, about stupid stuff.

I feel like its all my fault. I'm needy, I'm insecure, I'm upset, I'm this, I'm that.
When I'm with him, I want to be the center of attention, not the porn, or the computer, or the baseball game, or his friends, or the funny show on tv, I WANT TO BE. I really honestly don't see why this is wrong. If I was with him everyday, yeah that would be a major problem, but I'm not, and when I'm there, I'm stuck. I'm not at home, and I'm stuck, in this place, and the man I'm in love with, seems to care less, he continues his life, just like I am not there.

I keep thinking, we should just let go now, but then I wonder if thats the depression talking. I want romance. I know I'll never get it with him. I'm not even bringing up that conversation. We've never really went on a date. We never do anything special. He barely even comments on my page, or emails me.... (which I find romantic). I feel like I'd have better luck if I was a porn star or a baseball, at least he'd look at me.

I feel he has no desire for me... and my opinion on that, doesn't have to do with me being insecure...

Just like I always say... I got him, but... I want more.
Makes me feel stupid, because I keep wondering, how long before I lose the best thing I have.... ever had.