Drama & Thoughts on My Future

I had a little drama at my boyfriends. I was cranky all weekend, had PMS, and got irritated by incompetent McDonald's workers. I got back to his place and my Mt Dew was moving and it really upset me because there were two open bottles in the door and one of them was not mine. Me and my germ thing. I hate it. I don't know how to get over it though.

Well that and i'm having doubts about me and Chris's compatibility. I haven't shared this with him, because I feel like he's really needing me to be strong. I feel like he has doubts, I will stay with him. My problem is that of one where I need to know that he has motivation to do something with his life. I feel like he's stuck in a rut... and doesn't know what to do. He always tells me he is lazy, and i'd like to believe that isn't true. If he has no motivation... its not something I can deal with... Although I can take care of myself, to a degree, I want a man that wants to take care of me. Maybe that is selfish, but its something I need. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I'm tired of struggling, and i know it will take time, but I believe if we work together we can do it.

Again, I just worry. I asked him what he wanted in his life, and he didn't really answer me.

Plus he scared me a bit. I had an idea of when I met him, he could be needy. Lately he has been alot, and its not a bad thing, because I'm needy too. Its just, as much as I want a family, and i love him, and want that to happen, it still is scary. To find a man that truely wants to marry me. I know we've barely been together two months, and we can drive each other crazy. At the end of the night, we still love each other, can hold each other and talk about it.

IT really is great. He told me this weekend, about how again he felt about marriage we were talking, and I was like, "yeah I know after you are 30", and also said " I told you its ok, because as long as i know you love me, and want to build a life with me, I can wait, although I won't exactly be happy with it" He replied, that I may not have to wait. When the time comes, it can happen, and we don't have to wait... he said, its just he's always been scared, and that is why he always said that. He said he knew I was the one he wanted to spend his life with. It scares me, because I know he has to have some doubts, It scares me because he always thinks I'm going to leave him. I wish I could erase those doubts, I would. I'd marry him tommorrow if he wanted. I'm still not sure he'd be 100% positive I'd stay with him after that. I would. I don't ever want to divorce...

I know there is no reason to rush things, but i want nothing more than to spend my nites with him, and wake with him in the morning, despite the fact that his morning ritual drives me crazy. He turns on the tv, and watches sports/news. Noise in the morning makes me wanna scream and kill someone. So hopefully, we can come to some sort of compromise... like shit I don't fucking know. But we will figure it out. I don't think its something I can get used to though. Maybe wireless head phones.. lol

I miss him already. I was sad to drop him at work today. I wanted nothing more to lay in bed with him all day, and hold him in my arms. Its so hard for me to believe I make him so happy. But he says I do. I must believe that.

Shoot....

Apparently money= worth
self worth apparently... because whenever I don't have enough money, I feel worthless. I feel like shit. I wish I could die to escape the pain.

Here's the situation, I have about 300 dollars, I can
A. Give it to my aunt
B. Get my car insured and get it back on the road
C. Buy a gun

None are what I want to spend the money on. None are something that are going to matter, for the most part (unless I do something with the gun) in ten years.

We are in a hole, and apparently its my job to shovel the shit, and everything is my fault.

Thing is, in reality it is. I want an escape. The hole is too deep to get out of. I just want to leave. I have no more choices.

If I don't have a car in two weeks, I'll loose my job. If I don't have a job we are screwed regardless.

So fuck it. FUCK YOU WORLD. YOU cold heartless world. I hate you, and I hate me, and I hate being here...

Sad part is... I haven't felt suicidal for probably at least a week or so... and now, all because I get paid. I hate payday.... I hate money. I hate life. I hate my life... the life I don't really live.

Fathers Day

I'm feeling kind of shitty, because of being alone. I hate the days when I'd rather be anywhere else. I'd rather be with my friends, or with my boyfriend and his friends. I'd rather be at work, at least in the building than just sitting here. Yeah I get to use the internet, and watch tv.... but its not the same.

I'm feeling really stupid right now. Chris and I were talking about relationships and about "her" and I told him it was ignorant that she kept doing the same thing over and over again, and didn't learn anything from it. This is in regards to guys using her for sex. She went all the way to NC, for some creep, and still hasn't learned a lesson, nor with the 5 kids she has, and that she take care of all on her own. It got me to thinking...

Chris and I wouldn't be together if I didn't give him a chance, he told me and tells me the things I want to hear. Is it just another trick. Is this going to end up the same. I sit here, almost in tears thinking about it.

Partly because I said something to him, via text that I shouldn't have said. I said... "think, a decade from now, you'll celebrate Father's Day.."

I said this thinking that, hopefully in a decade we'd be married, settled down, and have a kid.. and that would be our reason, for celebrating..... thinking that a decade wasn't moving too fast.

The thing is, though, just thinking these thoughts, is moving too fast, and I wonder what I've got myself into again. I'm having some doubts now. I don't know what to do. I freak out cuz he responds to me.... " Why do you say that?"

I don't know why he would say that. He's talked about wanting to be together for a long time, hoping we are together forever. But I think, I'm just getting things wrong again. As different as it feels than any other relationship I've been in. I feel like I'm right back where I started. How does this make things better, it doesn't. How do I know its different? Its not. Its the same as before... I take things out of context, knowing that men say things to make women feel good, and Chris does that for me... only now I don't feel its real.

I'm feeling indifferent. I wanted him, and I don't regret that, but I should of done things differently. Again. I fucked up.

I know part of me just feels this way because I'm feeling a bit depressed, and I hope thats the only reason I feel this way.

Jealousy

I hate that I get so jealous.

The thing that bugs me worse, and my ex knows about this, cuz I did it to him on hotornot. I put up a fake profile.

I know it was wrong.

I keep wanting to do that on MySpace to see if my boyfriend will fall for it. I won't but I'm still tempted to. Its driving me crazy. And its not his fault at all. Its all my ex's that fucked with me, and played games, and cheated on me.

I just don't understand how my boyfriend didn't see that it wasn't appropriate, he fucking emailed her about it, and they were talking about the comments, basically his friend thought "he might get in trouble..." I take that to mean, "better watch out, your gf might get mad/jealouse/pissed" and apparently he didnt.

I dunno, I don't know why I let this shit eat me up.

Just like that other girl, the one that hates me... for many reasons, but one because I stole, JW from her, and then Chris... She set me up with JW, things didn't work out, and me and Chris hit it off.... She was playing games with him. He knows, and I think it annoys him, but he's still friends with her. I hate it because I'm jealous, and I know he wanted her, sexually and otherwise... and that she is attracted to him. She's a player though. I know he wanted to meet her. I know he thought about having sex with her. It makes me sick.

Yes, she is a half way decent looking girl, but me, I guess, being me, find it totally disgusting that she's such a slut. It makes me feel disgusting to fuck someone whose had so much dick in her.

Guys think differently though.

So thats why I'm me.....


I am me, take that as you will.

The EMAIL

Hi Julie:


Hope you are doing good. How is your World "Darien" doing , i Hope she is doing wonderful. Anything new or exicting happening.. ??

My job is going Ok. Same old .. same Old.. nothing new or exciting ... Well wait anything exicting or new.. Let me think ?? How can there be anything new or exciting when you are NOT with me... nor even Online. You are all the Fun and Exicting things for me :) At times I really Really Really Miss talking to you. That is one of the reason why I don't come online any more. Knowing that you are not gonna be there.. then whats the point in going online.

As far as my work.. things are Ok. Eric is OK. he keeps me busy at times, invites me to his place and we talk. I must have told you about this.. that Steve a Friend from GYM, his brother owns a Dealership.. he wants me to work there part time. He feels my Sexy looks would bring more business to them. He also said , he would route all the Female customers to me ;) Its very tempting job , can you imagine all the ... yeah ALL The Female customers will be Mine. Well but unfortunately there won't be the "One Female" whom i would want to be.... she will be in reading PA. So I am gonna decline the job offer. I wish My Cute Awesome, Breath Taking, Gorgeous , Beautiful, Stunning, Always Smiling, Sizzling, Sparking Marvellous Julie would be my Customer :)

How is your family(Aunt and uncle) doing ? At times I just admire your pictures for hours and hours. Specially the ones which you had sent me recently.. of you and your little one. I just miss our old days of chatting. I Just wish you had more time to chat. You are the ONLY Friend I have on the internet with whom I am soo Free , honest and Comfortable. Even my Mother was asking about you few times, like what happen to your "Best Internet Friend Julie". She calls you "Smiling Julie" cause whenever I take your name.. she sees a Smile on my face, and My mom feels happy to see Smile on my face. hence your name "Smiling Julie" cause you make me Smile. Its still a dream and a fantasy for me to visit you in the Farm while you are working on the field. Gosh it would be soo much fun to see you in a Short Summer dress working in a barn or field.. and I will just surprise you from back and kiss you. The LONGEST Kiss I WOULD EVER Have with anyone :) I guess if Not the Farm.. then maybe the McDonald Food store... while you are serving the "Drive-in Window Customers" I would just appear from back and Hold you .. and never let you ...

Well Do reply me love...
-Your Cute, Lonely Handsome Friend

Weird Email....

I get a weird email, out of the blue. On my msn email. I never check it, so its like... "GOOD LUCK" to anyone that sends something there.

So I get this email, from a guy I talked to about 3 years ago or more, everyone once in a while. We had some good conversations, and I thought I might date him at a point. We lost contact for a while, then after I moved to Reading, I talked to him and found out he lives in this area. He pretty much refused to meet me... because he was so "busy"...

In the meantime... he acted a little wierd and obsessed... here he tells me he's my only internet friend, and he misses me, and pretty much only has eyes for me, and apparently told him mom about me... etc..

I'm dumbfounded, and a little freaked out, but thats the least of my problems.

Ahhhh...

My day:

I go to therapy, things go good..

I come home...


Very upset about some comments on MySpace that my boyfriend left on a girls page. "An internet friend", it wouldn't bother me so much, but they met in person, and have made out before.(which btw she told me and not him- I asked him who she was, and he said.. "an internet friend" I emailed her, before I asked him about her, cuz she commented on our pic, and she said, yeah we met.. etc..etc..) I thought I was ok with it. We talked it out...

I went to work, I was there an hour and talked to a lady who had anxiety disorder or something and she was yelling and screaming at me, that isn't the part that bothered me. I was trying to calm her down and it wasn't working... I said something to the effect that although, she may not think I have any idea of how she feels, that I did, and that I was going to get this problem staightened out, and that nothing was wrong with her credit card.

She finally calmed down, and was real nice. She talked really religious though, but told me things, like I was a good soul and she understood I'd been thru alot in my life, and its not something I should of been subject to. She told me she could feel my pain. I almost started bawling two to three times just on the phone with her. After 24 minutes, and the phone clicked to hang up... after her offering her phone number and asking me to call if I needed to talk to her. After apoligizing profusely about being so rude and yelling. As soon as that phone clicked, I started bawling, my heart raced, and I wanted to run.

I couldn't get over that feeling. I talked to my friend, and called my boyfriend, and I couldn't stop feeling anxious... I felt really anxious, until I was almost home.

Still now, I feel anxiety. My anxiety now, is more about my relationship. I want to trust him, and i do, but that really fucks me off. It wouldn't of been so bad, but we talked a few weeks ago, and he told a friend of his, one that doesn't like me, that her new hair cut looked "sexy"... I told him it bothered me. He said he was sorry, and I let it go.... But when I see this, from someone he was involved with, not too long ago, and saying things in reference to kissing, and liking her cleavage and sex. It really fucked me off.

I really thought I had dealt with it this morning... but I don't think I really did. I snooped again, in his email, which I know pisses him off. But I found emails back and forth to him and her.. and the last one, references the comments he left her.... and she said... something like.... Oh, that last comment you left will give you trouble... and he said back.. " I doubt it"

He's appoligized. I believe he is sorry, but I don't know why he would flirt with a girl like that, if he really wasn't interested in her anymore. I don't have a problem with him being friends with anyone, but there are things I do and don't find acceptable.. and that is one of the things I don't.

I told him, yes I do tell my ex's and my friends I love them, because I do... and sometimes I talk about the good old days, good sex, or other things that happened...

But I don't make sexual comments on a public photo on myspace or anywhere. I wouldn't want anyone to think i'm not loyal to my boyfriend. Because i'm a loyal girl, he is my number 1!! He's the guy I think about, and care about, and put as my priority.

I guess one more reason it bothers me, is cuz when we are talking or whatever, at nite, he's distracted alot. I know he has friends, and I want him to email them, etc... but I'd rather him say... to me, that he wants some time to do things for himself. I'd rather him let me go, and go do some things for himself, rather than try to give me attention, and being distracted.

When he gets distracted and I have to repeat myself, it makes me feel like shit. I feel like I'm not worth the time, to take the time, to just give me attention.

I love him, and I know he loves me, I just didn't even want to talk to him about any of this because he's going thru alot right now, and he doesn't need me bringing it up right now. I don't want him to think I'm going to walk out, like everyone else has, because I won't. I love him, and this is something stupid.

Its just, that it does make me wonder about trust. It makes me suspicious. I have faith we will get thru this though.

My Life

Stressed out...
Crying...

Crying about my car. Most of the night, since I got off of work. I don't know why its getting to me so bad today. I just want to stop crying.

I had a great day with my boyfriend yesterday... it was the most awesome thing in the world. Little by little I was falling for him, and yesterday... was so wonderful. I've got that head over heels love feeling in my heart. We've been together a month now, I can't believe that either.

I met his friends yesterday, that was good too.

My best friend just called, so I kind of am calming down. I'm just really upset that I got so upset, over a stupid fucking car.

I still can't figure out what to do.

I'll just listen to Chris, and what he says... "things will work out..." And they usually do.