Work is going ok, can't complain too much.. its really busy
I'm a bit high on Ativan I think, so feeling really good, with not a
tear in site.
I have so much to update from the weekend...
Can't wait to write more. Plus wrote some more poems.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Saturday, January 29, 2005
MEN
Men Suck.
Just thats all I really have to say.
They are worse than women. At least the men I've met in the past year.. are..
They say one, thing, do another.. and mean something totally different.
For instance, M., basically was just interested in getting laid, which is fine, I needed some action too, but he asked at one point if he was going to meet my daughter, and until I brought up something, he never once acted like he was interested or even attracted to me. If I find a man attractive, I hint, if he doesn't get the hint, I tell him.
Then... we talk about J... well he sends mixed signals and he knows he does. He's probably just confused. Who knows.
Then we talk about T. he thought he knew what he wanted, but I think he was just delusionally, because nothing in his life, could be more important than his band. It seems to make him happy, just I didn't enjoy the mind games he played with me.
EPB, thats another fucked up story, he wanted me all the time, and a family, but couldn't get a job, and then when I left him, he just wanted to die. Now he has a new girl, and he wants to kill me. Go figure...
Oh... and lets not forget J.M., met him around the time I was dating EPB, and he totally fell for me... I dumped EPB, and JM found out, wanted me.. I chose T., That broke JM's heart, but only briefly.. as he found a few other girls to satisfy his interest... well then.. me and him hook up for one nite... and do something we shouldn't have.. and I've hardly heard from him since, except for the fact, that he tells me he loves me... whenever we do talk, but he still has a gf, that he doesn't love, and won't break up with. I don't think I want to date him anyway.. but.. I don't have that chance to even think about it, because he's not available.
Like I said.. ... MEN SUCK...
So for now, I'll just keep them all as friends..
When they figure out what they want.. I'm sure I'll find out shortly after....
Just thats all I really have to say.
They are worse than women. At least the men I've met in the past year.. are..
They say one, thing, do another.. and mean something totally different.
For instance, M., basically was just interested in getting laid, which is fine, I needed some action too, but he asked at one point if he was going to meet my daughter, and until I brought up something, he never once acted like he was interested or even attracted to me. If I find a man attractive, I hint, if he doesn't get the hint, I tell him.
Then... we talk about J... well he sends mixed signals and he knows he does. He's probably just confused. Who knows.
Then we talk about T. he thought he knew what he wanted, but I think he was just delusionally, because nothing in his life, could be more important than his band. It seems to make him happy, just I didn't enjoy the mind games he played with me.
EPB, thats another fucked up story, he wanted me all the time, and a family, but couldn't get a job, and then when I left him, he just wanted to die. Now he has a new girl, and he wants to kill me. Go figure...
Oh... and lets not forget J.M., met him around the time I was dating EPB, and he totally fell for me... I dumped EPB, and JM found out, wanted me.. I chose T., That broke JM's heart, but only briefly.. as he found a few other girls to satisfy his interest... well then.. me and him hook up for one nite... and do something we shouldn't have.. and I've hardly heard from him since, except for the fact, that he tells me he loves me... whenever we do talk, but he still has a gf, that he doesn't love, and won't break up with. I don't think I want to date him anyway.. but.. I don't have that chance to even think about it, because he's not available.
Like I said.. ... MEN SUCK...
So for now, I'll just keep them all as friends..
When they figure out what they want.. I'm sure I'll find out shortly after....
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Therapy
Therapy helped a bit. A reality check.
Getting laid helped even more, but my inability to get off really sucks. Next time. I'm completely amazed at what transpired last nite, well and this morning. Unfortunately... I had to come home, and now I have to get ready to go to the DR. then go to work at one. I'd rather be getting some more....
First off, M. is so damn hot, and after the talk we had the other nite, we joked about having sex... and thats what I thought it was... I flirted a little, and found out, he really did want me. He's so forceful, so strong, its a big turn on for me.
So we were playing pool... he won, 5-6, I asked him beforehand what the winner wanted, and he replied.." what do you want..??" I said..what do you want if you win... and he said.." everything". He got it, thats for sure. HE said after the game was 5-6, we should play another game, I agreed, because I didn't want to go home, he was getting me hot and bothered. We never started the last game... He ended up taking me right there on the pool table. Things I never felt before, FUCKING AMAZING....
Enough details... needless to say.. I had a good time.... and I should of been home two hours ago.. hahah
Can't wait to go over again...
Getting laid helped even more, but my inability to get off really sucks. Next time. I'm completely amazed at what transpired last nite, well and this morning. Unfortunately... I had to come home, and now I have to get ready to go to the DR. then go to work at one. I'd rather be getting some more....
First off, M. is so damn hot, and after the talk we had the other nite, we joked about having sex... and thats what I thought it was... I flirted a little, and found out, he really did want me. He's so forceful, so strong, its a big turn on for me.
So we were playing pool... he won, 5-6, I asked him beforehand what the winner wanted, and he replied.." what do you want..??" I said..what do you want if you win... and he said.." everything". He got it, thats for sure. HE said after the game was 5-6, we should play another game, I agreed, because I didn't want to go home, he was getting me hot and bothered. We never started the last game... He ended up taking me right there on the pool table. Things I never felt before, FUCKING AMAZING....
Enough details... needless to say.. I had a good time.... and I should of been home two hours ago.. hahah
Can't wait to go over again...
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Things
Things aren't getting better..
They can't get much worse
Now instead of crying all the time,
I just have migraines, I feel sick,
I throw up,... and shake...
Nothing new I suppose. I feel my life rotating in a big circle. Two years ago, this same time of the year, I was going thru the same thing... Migraines... horribly.. I had a good job, and kept missing work because of the migraines and the depression..
I was lonely... and sick, and frustrated...
Just like I am now. I wished I was dead, just like I do now..
The only difference is.. TODAY.. I have a bit of hope..
Just a bit... *wonders how long that will last*
Least I'm supposedly doing the right thing..
IN therapy..
Taking meds... (which I am totally against..)
BUT doing it..
wish I could go get drunk, and cut myself.. and just be a drunk fuckup...
My desire to cut again, has become extremely high... I avoid the store... because of it... I know if I go to Walmart too many times.. I'll go to that isle, pick up some blades... and go home and use them.... Its been months and months since I cut.. and its been a few months since I bought blades.. Luckily that was around when I met Josh, and I shared with him... and he took them out of my sight.. I was saved...
I have noone to help save me now.. but ME. And I don't want to save myself..
I want to rot into hell, and get my life over with...
I feel like such a fuckup, almost 26, and not doing anything with my life. Everytime I do start something, that is worthwhile.. my body betrays me.. and gets sick...
I hate life. I hate living, I hate breathing....
I only wish for something better... for you.. for me..
for the world.
Was thinking of just up and giving up everythign I know.. to become an environmentalist, but.. germ freak/OCD... doesn't go well with that...
Damn, I have issues... hahah..
They can't get much worse
Now instead of crying all the time,
I just have migraines, I feel sick,
I throw up,... and shake...
Nothing new I suppose. I feel my life rotating in a big circle. Two years ago, this same time of the year, I was going thru the same thing... Migraines... horribly.. I had a good job, and kept missing work because of the migraines and the depression..
I was lonely... and sick, and frustrated...
Just like I am now. I wished I was dead, just like I do now..
The only difference is.. TODAY.. I have a bit of hope..
Just a bit... *wonders how long that will last*
Least I'm supposedly doing the right thing..
IN therapy..
Taking meds... (which I am totally against..)
BUT doing it..
wish I could go get drunk, and cut myself.. and just be a drunk fuckup...
My desire to cut again, has become extremely high... I avoid the store... because of it... I know if I go to Walmart too many times.. I'll go to that isle, pick up some blades... and go home and use them.... Its been months and months since I cut.. and its been a few months since I bought blades.. Luckily that was around when I met Josh, and I shared with him... and he took them out of my sight.. I was saved...
I have noone to help save me now.. but ME. And I don't want to save myself..
I want to rot into hell, and get my life over with...
I feel like such a fuckup, almost 26, and not doing anything with my life. Everytime I do start something, that is worthwhile.. my body betrays me.. and gets sick...
I hate life. I hate living, I hate breathing....
I only wish for something better... for you.. for me..
for the world.
Was thinking of just up and giving up everythign I know.. to become an environmentalist, but.. germ freak/OCD... doesn't go well with that...
Damn, I have issues... hahah..
Monday, January 24, 2005
Sucks
Life,
Work... (though I'm not there now)
My street,
The snow a bit, but its amusing....
especially seeing people that can't drive in it..
MEN...
The guy I went out on.. like 2 dates with, and hung out with 2 more times, likes me.. seems to adore me, but says there is no "spark", its ok.. I know I'm not up for a relationship right now... all I want is for some nice, sexy, sweet smelling man to come to my house at nite, and kiss me and hold me..
Is that too much to ask for? I have plenty of guy friends that would love to do that, but.. I'd then just be leading them on.
I have so much I want to say... lots of stuff about T., but I'm still too angry yet. I think about him daily, though I know, that this is all for the best, I just wonder.. if he really means what he says, or if he just does this, because he thinks its best for me if he's out of my life...
Either way.. I'm moving on... I've been trying, it makes it easier.. knowing he won't ever call me again. It makes me sad though too.
Heard a joke site.. tonite.. something about.. You kicked my dog.. reminded me of Paul.. it's sad.. I can picture us all sitting in his car hanging out.. and less than a year after that.. he's dead...at 25 I missed him then, I miss him now, and he was more Wil's friend than mine, but he was always nice to me... always...
I feel stupid for talking to Wil about him, I'm sure it makes him more sad than me... I sit here with tears crying over him... I don't know if more for me... or more for him... or more for his family.....
Work... (though I'm not there now)
My street,
The snow a bit, but its amusing....
especially seeing people that can't drive in it..
MEN...
The guy I went out on.. like 2 dates with, and hung out with 2 more times, likes me.. seems to adore me, but says there is no "spark", its ok.. I know I'm not up for a relationship right now... all I want is for some nice, sexy, sweet smelling man to come to my house at nite, and kiss me and hold me..
Is that too much to ask for? I have plenty of guy friends that would love to do that, but.. I'd then just be leading them on.
I have so much I want to say... lots of stuff about T., but I'm still too angry yet. I think about him daily, though I know, that this is all for the best, I just wonder.. if he really means what he says, or if he just does this, because he thinks its best for me if he's out of my life...
Either way.. I'm moving on... I've been trying, it makes it easier.. knowing he won't ever call me again. It makes me sad though too.
Heard a joke site.. tonite.. something about.. You kicked my dog.. reminded me of Paul.. it's sad.. I can picture us all sitting in his car hanging out.. and less than a year after that.. he's dead...at 25 I missed him then, I miss him now, and he was more Wil's friend than mine, but he was always nice to me... always...
I feel stupid for talking to Wil about him, I'm sure it makes him more sad than me... I sit here with tears crying over him... I don't know if more for me... or more for him... or more for his family.....
Friday, January 21, 2005
Too Much
Too Depressed to post.
All time low.
Was feeling better, got hit hard tonite.
Wanted Razors,
Wanted death..
Death to the evil ones,
Death to myself..
Death vs Death,
and I want to lose.
All time low.
Was feeling better, got hit hard tonite.
Wanted Razors,
Wanted death..
Death to the evil ones,
Death to myself..
Death vs Death,
and I want to lose.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Had so much I wanted to post...
But getting really tired.
I first wanted to post about what an asshole T. is, but that is senseless, cuz everyone knows that, including me now..
He expects me to worry about his feelings, that he doesn't share with me... and tells me he cares, and he dates other people, and never calls, and never writes, and when he does talk to me online, he says mean things, and antagonizes me, usually until I cry... and I put up with the shit. I KNOW.. I have problems, but that boy does too, and he needs help. I only mean that in the nicest way. I would never tell someone I was hurt one min.,because I didn't get to see them, and that I cared about them, and then say "if we are lucky.. she'll slit her wrists". If i was in a bad spot, right now, I probably would have..
But I'm stronger than that... harder.. and tougher...
I will get over this bump in road...
I first wanted to post about what an asshole T. is, but that is senseless, cuz everyone knows that, including me now..
He expects me to worry about his feelings, that he doesn't share with me... and tells me he cares, and he dates other people, and never calls, and never writes, and when he does talk to me online, he says mean things, and antagonizes me, usually until I cry... and I put up with the shit. I KNOW.. I have problems, but that boy does too, and he needs help. I only mean that in the nicest way. I would never tell someone I was hurt one min.,because I didn't get to see them, and that I cared about them, and then say "if we are lucky.. she'll slit her wrists". If i was in a bad spot, right now, I probably would have..
But I'm stronger than that... harder.. and tougher...
I will get over this bump in road...
Monday, January 17, 2005
Hatred.. Breeds....
I'm rather hating.....today..
not myself... just how people can be..
I want to post what T. said to me last nite..
but I can't bring myself to post such rubbish...
Maybe tonite, when I'm not so angry...
because right now, though I still don't understand
why he does the things he does..
I have to believe, its because he's more fucked up
than he cares to admit....
I'm not saying that to be mean, Its just I think he
needs help, and he doesn't realize it.
How many people say one minute, they miss me, and care about
me, and the next.. they say... something about me slitting my wrists..
and that they never want to talk to me again.
Its not normal, its not healthy...
But, I need to get in the shower and go to my job...
not myself... just how people can be..
I want to post what T. said to me last nite..
but I can't bring myself to post such rubbish...
Maybe tonite, when I'm not so angry...
because right now, though I still don't understand
why he does the things he does..
I have to believe, its because he's more fucked up
than he cares to admit....
I'm not saying that to be mean, Its just I think he
needs help, and he doesn't realize it.
How many people say one minute, they miss me, and care about
me, and the next.. they say... something about me slitting my wrists..
and that they never want to talk to me again.
Its not normal, its not healthy...
But, I need to get in the shower and go to my job...
Hate
I hate myself
and want to die..
I hate myself,
as I cry,
Wishing more,
Than one ever could,
Wishing for more,
For the greater good...
If only I could quit crying,
I would,
If only I was dying,
It would.
and want to die..
I hate myself,
as I cry,
Wishing more,
Than one ever could,
Wishing for more,
For the greater good...
If only I could quit crying,
I would,
If only I was dying,
It would.
Despite
Despite the good time I did have, and that fact that he(J) helped me forget about T., I still do, and always will love T. with all my heart..
Despite that also, even if J and I, go a bit further with this, or date more... I don't see it working in the long run. Sure I'd be good to him, but, he smokes... which I'm doing ok with, but... I know its hard to tolerate in the long run. Plus, both of us seem to be indecisive, which is not a good thing..
Plus.. he's a nice guy...
Despite that also, even if J and I, go a bit further with this, or date more... I don't see it working in the long run. Sure I'd be good to him, but, he smokes... which I'm doing ok with, but... I know its hard to tolerate in the long run. Plus, both of us seem to be indecisive, which is not a good thing..
Plus.. he's a nice guy...
Dating
Last nite, (Sunday Nite) and Saturday also.. I went out with J. Great guy. Sweet, passionate, smiley, funny... and cute. He called my cell, letting me know he was outside my house, I smiled, as we had talked earlier that day. We both like to talk alot, so we seemed to hit it off well. So... he called my cell, I asked him to come in, and said sure, I opened the door, and this gorgeous guy was walking across the street, I smile and look at him, he's stunning... beautiful smile, I bring him in for a moment, my aunt talks his ear off, and he meets Darian briefly.. and we leave...
I looked forward to spending the evening with him, at first mostly because T. didn't show again... and I was trying my hardest, before I got the call from J. not to cry and cry and cry...
So we go play pool, have a nice time,flirt just a bit, rub shoulders while playing.. slight touches and looks...
We both agree that we want to leave, but not sure what we want to do. We ended up going to a bar, ate some food, had a few drinks, and talked... and talked.. by the end of the evening, he was feeling a bit tired, but didn't want to go home, but we finally went around 2 am. We were flirting a bit more, holding hands...
So he takes me home... and parks in the street just a sec... and i get two slight kisses.. with just a bit of tongue... I smiled and blushed.. and ran off to my house.. He waited in the car, till I unlocked the door, and then drove off. I asked him to call me to let me know he got home alright, because he had a few drinks, and was tired... so he did call, which made me feel nice...
So I'm lazing around Sunday.. afternoon...deciding to order pizza... and I see J. gets online... has an away message, something.. something... well give me a call, I'm busy practicing guitar... so I take that as an invite to call.
He seems happy to hear from me. We talk about being bored.. then I ask if he wants to hang out and do something later.. we agree. .. but neither can seem to agree what to do....(this is how things were yesterday with us too)
We both are not from around here, and not really sure what is good to do. We had dinner at a nice restaurant.. the name slips my mind... and then talk about seeing a movie.. and i was kind of thinking.. maybe just go hang out as his place..so we can talk and what not.. ( i had to be in a midnite to pick up Francis). And that is what he suggests.. so we go to Blockbuster, get a movie, The Terminal, and go back to him place and watch it. It was nice... nice apt, nice atmosphere. I think I make him nervous, cuz at one point Sunday or Saturday I told him I was nosy... so he had to go to his car and get his cell. and I don't know if he was trying to be funny, which he is..alot.. or serious.. and he says.." no snooping around" .. and I was like.. I would never do that without ur permission... which i wouldn't I have no reason not to trust him..
Either way.. we watch the movie.. held hands... i rubbed his shoulders a bit.. while we were cuddling.. he rubbed mine... and i got a few kisses out of him. He kind of knew I was wanting to kiss, I guess cuz the way i was looking at him. I wonder if he's just that much of a gentleman, or if.. he's not attracted to me... like I am to him.. He did show me some of his families pictures on his computer, which was cool.. :)
But we came home.. was running a bit late, cuz it had snowed a bit and was icy.... So I asked could he pick up Francis.. it was on the way mostly.. he didn't seem to want to, but he agreed. I didn't think it was too much to ask for, since A. we were already out, and B. it was on the way, C. If we didn't pick him up on the way, I'd have to go find my car, clean it off, warm it up, and then go back to where I was.... and then come home, park my car, and walk back home thru this shit....
I got a few kisses while he was parked in front of my house.. then he wanted me to go, he wanted to get home and get to bed, he gets home early in the am. We work opposite shifts, so if/when I see him again it will be on the weekend. I asked him did he want me to call him this week, he was like, yeah.. cuz I told him I could call from work.
THing is, I'm a bit jealous already.. partly cuz I'm not sure where he wants to take this, he has another date tommorrow, with some other girl he met on the net... though last nite.. well... he acted like, if he found someone... that he wouldn't go on the date.. but then I told him.. about my aunt and Francis harassing me about him being my boyfriend... I said.. "he is not.." and then he (J.) sort of picked on me about it... kind of like someone would, if they really wanted to be ur bf...
I'm not really sure, but I'll try not to sweat it...
I think the thing I like the most.. is ... while I was with him, I thought about him, I thought about... devouring him... and I didn't think about T. once.. Until I got home...
And now, the behaviours, he displays towards me.. still hurt me, I cry inside, because I know he's a player... and that he will never be my prince. My PRINCE would call when he says, and show up regardless, without some excuse about being broke. My prince would at least, call and talk to me on the phone, rather than doing god nows what with who knows who, if he couldn't come.... My PRINCE would love me for who I am, despite mine and his problems... My PRINCE, would be here to hold me, and to love me... and to show me he cares.... My PRINCE, would NEVER string me along, and tell me he loves me.. then continue to hurt me, time and time again.. My PRINCE would move heaven and earth to be with me, just as I would with him......
I looked forward to spending the evening with him, at first mostly because T. didn't show again... and I was trying my hardest, before I got the call from J. not to cry and cry and cry...
So we go play pool, have a nice time,flirt just a bit, rub shoulders while playing.. slight touches and looks...
We both agree that we want to leave, but not sure what we want to do. We ended up going to a bar, ate some food, had a few drinks, and talked... and talked.. by the end of the evening, he was feeling a bit tired, but didn't want to go home, but we finally went around 2 am. We were flirting a bit more, holding hands...
So he takes me home... and parks in the street just a sec... and i get two slight kisses.. with just a bit of tongue... I smiled and blushed.. and ran off to my house.. He waited in the car, till I unlocked the door, and then drove off. I asked him to call me to let me know he got home alright, because he had a few drinks, and was tired... so he did call, which made me feel nice...
So I'm lazing around Sunday.. afternoon...deciding to order pizza... and I see J. gets online... has an away message, something.. something... well give me a call, I'm busy practicing guitar... so I take that as an invite to call.
He seems happy to hear from me. We talk about being bored.. then I ask if he wants to hang out and do something later.. we agree. .. but neither can seem to agree what to do....(this is how things were yesterday with us too)
We both are not from around here, and not really sure what is good to do. We had dinner at a nice restaurant.. the name slips my mind... and then talk about seeing a movie.. and i was kind of thinking.. maybe just go hang out as his place..so we can talk and what not.. ( i had to be in a midnite to pick up Francis). And that is what he suggests.. so we go to Blockbuster, get a movie, The Terminal, and go back to him place and watch it. It was nice... nice apt, nice atmosphere. I think I make him nervous, cuz at one point Sunday or Saturday I told him I was nosy... so he had to go to his car and get his cell. and I don't know if he was trying to be funny, which he is..alot.. or serious.. and he says.." no snooping around" .. and I was like.. I would never do that without ur permission... which i wouldn't I have no reason not to trust him..
Either way.. we watch the movie.. held hands... i rubbed his shoulders a bit.. while we were cuddling.. he rubbed mine... and i got a few kisses out of him. He kind of knew I was wanting to kiss, I guess cuz the way i was looking at him. I wonder if he's just that much of a gentleman, or if.. he's not attracted to me... like I am to him.. He did show me some of his families pictures on his computer, which was cool.. :)
But we came home.. was running a bit late, cuz it had snowed a bit and was icy.... So I asked could he pick up Francis.. it was on the way mostly.. he didn't seem to want to, but he agreed. I didn't think it was too much to ask for, since A. we were already out, and B. it was on the way, C. If we didn't pick him up on the way, I'd have to go find my car, clean it off, warm it up, and then go back to where I was.... and then come home, park my car, and walk back home thru this shit....
I got a few kisses while he was parked in front of my house.. then he wanted me to go, he wanted to get home and get to bed, he gets home early in the am. We work opposite shifts, so if/when I see him again it will be on the weekend. I asked him did he want me to call him this week, he was like, yeah.. cuz I told him I could call from work.
THing is, I'm a bit jealous already.. partly cuz I'm not sure where he wants to take this, he has another date tommorrow, with some other girl he met on the net... though last nite.. well... he acted like, if he found someone... that he wouldn't go on the date.. but then I told him.. about my aunt and Francis harassing me about him being my boyfriend... I said.. "he is not.." and then he (J.) sort of picked on me about it... kind of like someone would, if they really wanted to be ur bf...
I'm not really sure, but I'll try not to sweat it...
I think the thing I like the most.. is ... while I was with him, I thought about him, I thought about... devouring him... and I didn't think about T. once.. Until I got home...
And now, the behaviours, he displays towards me.. still hurt me, I cry inside, because I know he's a player... and that he will never be my prince. My PRINCE would call when he says, and show up regardless, without some excuse about being broke. My prince would at least, call and talk to me on the phone, rather than doing god nows what with who knows who, if he couldn't come.... My PRINCE would love me for who I am, despite mine and his problems... My PRINCE, would be here to hold me, and to love me... and to show me he cares.... My PRINCE, would NEVER string me along, and tell me he loves me.. then continue to hurt me, time and time again.. My PRINCE would move heaven and earth to be with me, just as I would with him......
Sunday, January 16, 2005
My HOMEWORK...
was to share my feelings... with Sally...
but I tried to start with.... T. And this is what I wrote to him..
I'm supposed to...
Tell people about my feelings.
So I'm starting with you, although that wasn't on my list. Everytime you call, make plans and cancel. It hurts my feelings. I cry, a part of me dies inside, it hurts deeply. I get my hopes up each time only to be crushed. Same when you say you are going to call.
I don't feel that you are a prince, but I don't believe that matters, because I've come to the realization, again, that I just need to get over you and move on. I know this already, but my heart aches for you. I love you, I care for you, and my daughter cares for you. But I know it will never be.
I'll end here, because I just needed to let you know that you hurt my feelings, and that is why I wrote. When my feelings are hurt like that, then I feel like noone cares about me. I feel like I'm not important.
As far as the XP disk, if you want to send it, fine, I do need to get my computer fixed, but I don't believe that you ever will. You promised me when ur cd was out, I'd be one of the first people to get one, and yet I am still waiting.....
Oh.. and you borrowed my shirt too, if you could return that sometime, I'd appreciate it.
Have a good day/month/week/year/life...
and I'll catch you around sometime...
... . You know how to find me...
but I tried to start with.... T. And this is what I wrote to him..
I'm supposed to...
Tell people about my feelings.
So I'm starting with you, although that wasn't on my list. Everytime you call, make plans and cancel. It hurts my feelings. I cry, a part of me dies inside, it hurts deeply. I get my hopes up each time only to be crushed. Same when you say you are going to call.
I don't feel that you are a prince, but I don't believe that matters, because I've come to the realization, again, that I just need to get over you and move on. I know this already, but my heart aches for you. I love you, I care for you, and my daughter cares for you. But I know it will never be.
I'll end here, because I just needed to let you know that you hurt my feelings, and that is why I wrote. When my feelings are hurt like that, then I feel like noone cares about me. I feel like I'm not important.
As far as the XP disk, if you want to send it, fine, I do need to get my computer fixed, but I don't believe that you ever will. You promised me when ur cd was out, I'd be one of the first people to get one, and yet I am still waiting.....
Oh.. and you borrowed my shirt too, if you could return that sometime, I'd appreciate it.
Have a good day/month/week/year/life...
and I'll catch you around sometime...
... . You know how to find me...
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Life
I'm not sick enough to be in the hospital,
I'm not well enough to function properly....
When i'm alone with my own thoughts... I cry and cry
I am happy and joyful, that the suicidal thoughts haven't been strong,
I have hope for once, but its starting to diminish....
I don't know where I'm heading anymore...
I'm at the point where I'm asking for help again..
and noone is listening...
or at least that is how I feel...
I need to go to the therapist tommorrow..
but i have no sitter...
My fear of phones comes back again...
afraid to call the regular sitter,
She doesn't like to babysit on Saturdays...
plus.. its short notice...
I'm not well enough to function properly....
When i'm alone with my own thoughts... I cry and cry
I am happy and joyful, that the suicidal thoughts haven't been strong,
I have hope for once, but its starting to diminish....
I don't know where I'm heading anymore...
I'm at the point where I'm asking for help again..
and noone is listening...
or at least that is how I feel...
I need to go to the therapist tommorrow..
but i have no sitter...
My fear of phones comes back again...
afraid to call the regular sitter,
She doesn't like to babysit on Saturdays...
plus.. its short notice...
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Many Things
I had many things I wanted to blog last nite, but I stayed up most the nite talking to Lisa.. she was a bit manic, which her and I agree is a good thing, and not a bad thing like most dr's would say. Since I was enjoying her company, and we found this thing called Grouper, here's the link: http://grouper.com/... I didn't let her go till after 4am, then I talked to my friend, D.S. on the phone for another hour or so, until his phone was dying, after he tucked me in.
I came to many realizations yesterday, about why T., I feel means so much to me, and why the relationship ending was more of a disappointment to me than... most of my relationships.
T., from the start was sweet and caring, he always listened to me being upset, and consoled me. We did a lot of sexual flirting, but that never seemed to be what it was about. He always cared and wanted to hear about me. It was something I was needing alot of. I always bitched to him about EPB. HE told me he loved me first. I was takin in surprise by this fact, and it is something I will always remember. Since he was the only person besides EPB that I said good bye to, I think i left him a message on his machine and online saying goodbye, which he didn't quite get, even though he knew I felt suicidal on occassion.... I called him when I was in the hospital, something EPB, kindly gave me. I feel bad later about that, but I just contacted him as a friend, and I thought he'd be worried I was dead or something, which I didn't gather he was, he was kind of clueless... But.. before.. i let him (T- when i was at the hospital talking on the phone) go, I wasn't only supposed to be on the phone more than ten minutes.. he says.. "hey" as I'm saying goodbye... and i'm like yeah.. he's like.... " I love you", i'm stunned dumbfounded.... and what not... and I say.. "thank you", I didn't know what to say, EPB and I were on and off, and I KNEW I cared about this character, but never would of told him that, because of fear of him running away screaming. SO after that.. I write him a letter telling him why we shouldn't date, and that I do care about him, but things just are ideal for us right now... but that I hope he will stay my friend, because I really need him in my life....
AND what happens???
I don't listen to myself....
I lose it shortly after that, when Tony comes and visits me, I don't know what to expect, but I fell right into his arms... He came over.... we went to Dempsey's to eat... and before we leave.... the car.. ( i'm pretty sure its before we go into the restaurant...geez.. can't beleive I've forgotten this detail-- shit. was it before or after eating)... um... i can see him leaning over and kissing me though... I was surprised, but thrilled at the same time...
well got to go to the dr, I'm off work today for a variety of reasons, one is because I just can't handle my job today, luckily for now I have vacation, not sure what's happening next, but between the crying, the depression and the migraines...
I'm not sure how long I'll have a job.. or anything.. its so frustrating... especially cuz I feel so alone.. and am hurting so much.. just in general....
every day I miss T, more and more, and I wonder if he thinks of me... if at all. I worry so much, about so many things.... I just hope he's able to come to some realizations in his life, and someday can be happy.....
I came to many realizations yesterday, about why T., I feel means so much to me, and why the relationship ending was more of a disappointment to me than... most of my relationships.
T., from the start was sweet and caring, he always listened to me being upset, and consoled me. We did a lot of sexual flirting, but that never seemed to be what it was about. He always cared and wanted to hear about me. It was something I was needing alot of. I always bitched to him about EPB. HE told me he loved me first. I was takin in surprise by this fact, and it is something I will always remember. Since he was the only person besides EPB that I said good bye to, I think i left him a message on his machine and online saying goodbye, which he didn't quite get, even though he knew I felt suicidal on occassion.... I called him when I was in the hospital, something EPB, kindly gave me. I feel bad later about that, but I just contacted him as a friend, and I thought he'd be worried I was dead or something, which I didn't gather he was, he was kind of clueless... But.. before.. i let him (T- when i was at the hospital talking on the phone) go, I wasn't only supposed to be on the phone more than ten minutes.. he says.. "hey" as I'm saying goodbye... and i'm like yeah.. he's like.... " I love you", i'm stunned dumbfounded.... and what not... and I say.. "thank you", I didn't know what to say, EPB and I were on and off, and I KNEW I cared about this character, but never would of told him that, because of fear of him running away screaming. SO after that.. I write him a letter telling him why we shouldn't date, and that I do care about him, but things just are ideal for us right now... but that I hope he will stay my friend, because I really need him in my life....
AND what happens???
I don't listen to myself....
I lose it shortly after that, when Tony comes and visits me, I don't know what to expect, but I fell right into his arms... He came over.... we went to Dempsey's to eat... and before we leave.... the car.. ( i'm pretty sure its before we go into the restaurant...geez.. can't beleive I've forgotten this detail-- shit. was it before or after eating)... um... i can see him leaning over and kissing me though... I was surprised, but thrilled at the same time...
well got to go to the dr, I'm off work today for a variety of reasons, one is because I just can't handle my job today, luckily for now I have vacation, not sure what's happening next, but between the crying, the depression and the migraines...
I'm not sure how long I'll have a job.. or anything.. its so frustrating... especially cuz I feel so alone.. and am hurting so much.. just in general....
every day I miss T, more and more, and I wonder if he thinks of me... if at all. I worry so much, about so many things.... I just hope he's able to come to some realizations in his life, and someday can be happy.....
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Mess Again
I just got woke up early by the phone, something from my daughter's best friends mother.... about shopping and such.. She takes my daughter on Tuesdays...
So I got a message from my youth minister friend.. (the one I have a major crush on) a yahoo message asking me how the DR was.
I still can't get ahold of the DR. Called the office, got a busy signal twice, and then, called back and got a hold message for like ten minutes... so I called the other office, only for them to say, I had to go to the office I normally go at...WTF, they didn't seem to care when they made me an appt at the wrong location. SHe said she'd try and get ahold of someone to get me an appt there... hahah..
My life sucks..
I wish I had a bridge to jump off of. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I can't handle all this drama... over getting an appointment to get meds, I don't really want to take in the first place... its just I'm at my wits end, and I need this crying to stop.. I can't handle it..
Now if they only had a pill to erase T. from my memory.... Maybe I should start drinking, it seems to work for everyone else.. eventually I'll kill the brain cells that he's in, and never think of him again....
So I got a message from my youth minister friend.. (the one I have a major crush on) a yahoo message asking me how the DR was.
I still can't get ahold of the DR. Called the office, got a busy signal twice, and then, called back and got a hold message for like ten minutes... so I called the other office, only for them to say, I had to go to the office I normally go at...WTF, they didn't seem to care when they made me an appt at the wrong location. SHe said she'd try and get ahold of someone to get me an appt there... hahah..
My life sucks..
I wish I had a bridge to jump off of. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I can't handle all this drama... over getting an appointment to get meds, I don't really want to take in the first place... its just I'm at my wits end, and I need this crying to stop.. I can't handle it..
Now if they only had a pill to erase T. from my memory.... Maybe I should start drinking, it seems to work for everyone else.. eventually I'll kill the brain cells that he's in, and never think of him again....
Met Someone
Yes.. I met someone tonite. Someone real. From online....
it was a bit quick.. I ran into his profile yesterday.. (Sunday nite) nite, chatted, and then talked on the phone into the early morning... Then I met him in person tonite.
He is interesting and funny....
And I'm attracted to him. I don't think the long term would be a good relationship though. Not at all.... I'd try to change him too much. I don't think it would work. He's a bad boy.
He has a job, and a car though, and lives on his own, thats always a plus....
But.. he smokes... drinks.. and.. admits to smoking weed on occasion....
So why did I even go meet him? Loneliness.. I'm sure...
It felt nice to be held again...
Especially after someone who said they loved me.. fucked me off tonite...
Telling me to grow up, and suck it up and move on... when I told him I was sad and upset.... and after waiting and waiting for T. to come around.. only to reaffirm my beliefs each day.. that I don't matter to him...
Too tired to write anymore right now...
it was a bit quick.. I ran into his profile yesterday.. (Sunday nite) nite, chatted, and then talked on the phone into the early morning... Then I met him in person tonite.
He is interesting and funny....
And I'm attracted to him. I don't think the long term would be a good relationship though. Not at all.... I'd try to change him too much. I don't think it would work. He's a bad boy.
He has a job, and a car though, and lives on his own, thats always a plus....
But.. he smokes... drinks.. and.. admits to smoking weed on occasion....
So why did I even go meet him? Loneliness.. I'm sure...
It felt nice to be held again...
Especially after someone who said they loved me.. fucked me off tonite...
Telling me to grow up, and suck it up and move on... when I told him I was sad and upset.... and after waiting and waiting for T. to come around.. only to reaffirm my beliefs each day.. that I don't matter to him...
Too tired to write anymore right now...
And They WONDER...
Men wonder why women think the way they do, and why women think they are players.. and why women get so upset.. and etc...
Then.. I run into this article, and I find almost everything to be true. One day I'll find my prince... then I'll prolly dump him for some bad boy, because I can't get enough of him.
Six ways to tell a prince from a player
By Debbie Magids, Ph.D.
It’s hard to meet men, let alone a good man, so when you find someone you connect with and hormones fly, it’s easy to lose direction and difficult to know whether he’s a prince or player.
By definition, a prince is the nice guy you probably rejected in high school – the keeper – the one interested in marriage and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. The player, on the other hand, is the guy you dated or longed to date in high school. He’s the one who’s suave and sexy, and knows it. He’s the one with all the right moves, none of them putting your interests first. And yet, he’s so darn attractive. Here are six features that will help you tell a prince from a player.
A prince calls when he says he will. A player has a long list of excuses as to why he couldn’t call.
A prince puts you first. A player puts everything but you first – work, golf, drinking, friends, you name it.
A prince wants to meet your family and friends and wants you to meet his (when he sees the relationship is moving forward). A player may take you out with his friends (or bring his friends along on your date, depending how you view it), even on the first date. Consider this a clear sign that dating you has little to do with building a relationship. As for family, don’t plan on meeting them.
A prince invests time in you – taking time to find out your favorite song, dessert, etc., a sign of his falling for you. A player puts forth little effort to really get to know you.
A prince is the one who will hand-deliver chicken soup when you’re sick. A player is the one who will be way too busy to see you when you’re sick because it won’t be any fun for him.
A prince will romance you slowly, bringing you a single flower or bouquet when the time is right, sending a romantic card, or going someplace fancy for dinner to celebrate something special. A player will romance you from soup to nuts right away – dozens of the most expensive bouquets “just because,” going to the most expensive restaurants from the beginning, and other similar extravagances. He’s looking for a quick payoff.
Girlfriend, beware: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is! If you’re caught up in a whirlwind romance, remember, tornadoes sweep in, wreak havoc, and disappear as quickly as they came. Slow and steady really does win the race!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Visit Debbie Magids, Ph.D. at www.drdebbiemagids.com
So.. DR Magids.. says it all, in words I could never find to explain what I felt and thought, and what I needed....
Then.. I run into this article, and I find almost everything to be true. One day I'll find my prince... then I'll prolly dump him for some bad boy, because I can't get enough of him.
Six ways to tell a prince from a player
By Debbie Magids, Ph.D.
It’s hard to meet men, let alone a good man, so when you find someone you connect with and hormones fly, it’s easy to lose direction and difficult to know whether he’s a prince or player.
By definition, a prince is the nice guy you probably rejected in high school – the keeper – the one interested in marriage and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. The player, on the other hand, is the guy you dated or longed to date in high school. He’s the one who’s suave and sexy, and knows it. He’s the one with all the right moves, none of them putting your interests first. And yet, he’s so darn attractive. Here are six features that will help you tell a prince from a player.
A prince calls when he says he will. A player has a long list of excuses as to why he couldn’t call.
A prince puts you first. A player puts everything but you first – work, golf, drinking, friends, you name it.
A prince wants to meet your family and friends and wants you to meet his (when he sees the relationship is moving forward). A player may take you out with his friends (or bring his friends along on your date, depending how you view it), even on the first date. Consider this a clear sign that dating you has little to do with building a relationship. As for family, don’t plan on meeting them.
A prince invests time in you – taking time to find out your favorite song, dessert, etc., a sign of his falling for you. A player puts forth little effort to really get to know you.
A prince is the one who will hand-deliver chicken soup when you’re sick. A player is the one who will be way too busy to see you when you’re sick because it won’t be any fun for him.
A prince will romance you slowly, bringing you a single flower or bouquet when the time is right, sending a romantic card, or going someplace fancy for dinner to celebrate something special. A player will romance you from soup to nuts right away – dozens of the most expensive bouquets “just because,” going to the most expensive restaurants from the beginning, and other similar extravagances. He’s looking for a quick payoff.
Girlfriend, beware: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is! If you’re caught up in a whirlwind romance, remember, tornadoes sweep in, wreak havoc, and disappear as quickly as they came. Slow and steady really does win the race!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Visit Debbie Magids, Ph.D. at www.drdebbiemagids.com
So.. DR Magids.. says it all, in words I could never find to explain what I felt and thought, and what I needed....
Monday, January 10, 2005
Feeling
A bit pissed at the moment. I just wrote a nice post and lost it.
Overall today, I'm just feeling empty. Sad a bit, but no crying yet... today. Thank goodness.
I made a few new friends online, from MySpace and from I think Yahoo profiles of people that are nice to talk to on the phone. Hoping to go hang out with one in the near future. It was nice to have someone to talk to, to not feel alone
I wanted to talk to T. But no call. I know I shouldn't expect it, thats why he doesn't call. I really always want to run into his arms when I'm upset but I can't. I just really hoped he would call. So many times, I just wish I could jump into my car and go over to his place, but... it would be really stupid for me to do that. First, he didn't invite me, second, he's never home, and third.. he'd think I was stalking him or something. Not a good thing..
So yeah, I started the Ativan, it seems to help calm me. Now I'm just getting angry because I can't seem to get an appointment with anyone. Which is really annoying & frustrating... and did I mention annoying.
Plus with my cat bite, my hand it swallen and I'm not sure what I should do about it.
Overall today, I'm just feeling empty. Sad a bit, but no crying yet... today. Thank goodness.
I made a few new friends online, from MySpace and from I think Yahoo profiles of people that are nice to talk to on the phone. Hoping to go hang out with one in the near future. It was nice to have someone to talk to, to not feel alone
I wanted to talk to T. But no call. I know I shouldn't expect it, thats why he doesn't call. I really always want to run into his arms when I'm upset but I can't. I just really hoped he would call. So many times, I just wish I could jump into my car and go over to his place, but... it would be really stupid for me to do that. First, he didn't invite me, second, he's never home, and third.. he'd think I was stalking him or something. Not a good thing..
So yeah, I started the Ativan, it seems to help calm me. Now I'm just getting angry because I can't seem to get an appointment with anyone. Which is really annoying & frustrating... and did I mention annoying.
Plus with my cat bite, my hand it swallen and I'm not sure what I should do about it.
"MY" Personality Disorder.....
I posted this mostly for education, as it seems to be a well written article. I was diagnosed being "borderline" almost 2 years ago during my "first" suicide attempt. I tend to agree because I do these same things, and thats why I can't be in a relationship. I think its better if I just stay alone... so I don't bother or hurt anyone else.. .. besides, most people don't like drama, especially the type I have.
I'm jealous, possessive, and insecure, and it will be quite a while before I can overcome these things. The one man that was most understanding of my depression, never tried to understand why I was jealous, possessive and insecure, he only seemed to understand, that he didn't like me being that way, and I'm sure it helped drive him away...
I got this from my liveandworkwell.com website, and I'd link to it, but you have to be a member to read it... so enjoy:
Borderline Personality Disorders
By HopkinsHealth, providing consumer health information from the Johns Hopkins University and Health System. Updated June 2004.
Last Reviewed: December 2004
Borderline Personality Disorders
What is it?
Symptoms and signs
Treatment
Prognosis
What is it?
Borderline personality disorder is theorized to originate in early childhood experiences of significant loss, profoundly unstable attachment to parental figures, trauma, abuse or deprivation. More than half of all patients diagnosed with borderline personality disorder claim to have been physically or sexually abused as children. Estimated to occur in 2 percent to 3 percent of the population, it is a common personality disorder.
If you have a borderline personality disorder, you are constantly trying to ward off panic over real or imagined abandonment. As a result, your behavior may be impulsive and erratic, your moods volatile and your relationships stormy and intense.
You are likely to alternate between frantic efforts to hold on to the people you care for, and, in an attempt to avoid feelings of loss, discounting these same loved ones. To avert feelings of loneliness you might surround yourself with people, despite the fact that you may not get along with them. Stressful circumstances, especially within relationships, usually worsen symptoms.
Because people with borderline personality disorders have extremely fragile identities and self-esteem, they tend to be highly sensitive to social rejection or acceptance. If you have this disorder, you will feel, even when you are in a relationship, essentially isolated and lonely. Whenever you are threatened by impending loss, separation or abandonment, you may react with sudden rage, devaluation or paranoid accusations. It is not uncommon for people with borderline personality disorders to have difficulty controlling their impulses and to use alcohol, drugs, bingeing, self-mutilation or suicidal actions to ward off feelings of isolation and abandonment.
Symptoms and signs
A pattern of unstable relationships that alternates between idealizing and devaluing the other
Precarious sense of self
Wide mood swings
Intense anger
Angry and violent outbursts
Panic over separation or loss
Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Treatment of personality disorders
The fact that personality disorders develop early and are, in fact, the natural way people tend to operate and define themselves complicates the treatment picture. For treatment to be effective, it must address a person's basic, ingrained behavioral patterns, attitudes, relationship styles and functional capacities. Although in most cases, personality disorders are responsive over time to psychotherapy, changing these durable habits of thought, feeling and behavior requires extensive and repetitive examination, evaluation and relearning.
For example, long-term individual psychotherapy can be extremely helpful for those with borderline personality disorders. However, given their difficulties with relationships, the course of therapy is often volatile and uneven. Therapy must weather the intense feelings, demands for care and repeated crises that the individual brings to the process. Even then, the individual with borderline personality disorder is likely to devalue the therapy and therapist and often abruptly and angrily end treatment. In these cases, therapy may take at least five years.
Psychotherapy and, in some cases, psychoanalysis can be impressively effective. Many types of talk therapy that take a more here-and-now approach are also equally effective with personality disorders. In addition to the use of traditional psychotherapy to treat personality disorders, other therapeutic strategies, including cognitive-behavioral techniques and family and group therapy, have proved useful. For example, when a person has a dependent personality disorder, assertiveness training and group therapy may help increase her social self-confidence, encourage autonomy and provide the forum in which she can examine her self-denigrating thoughts and behavior. With schizotypal disorders, psyscho-educational methods, along with supportive psychotherapy, can help the individual develop more appropriate social skills.
The use of medication in treating personality disordered patients varies, but in many instances, is quite effective, especially when used in conjunction with psychotherapy. Furthermore, often the case that a person with a personality disorder comes into therapy reporting feelings of depression, anxiety or certain physical complaints. In those instances, such psychiatric disorders will also be addressed with appropriate medications. Sometimes, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors—paroxetine (Paxil), fluoxetine (Prozac) sertraline (Zoloft), fluvoxamine (Luvox) and escitalopram (Lexapro)— may diminish impulsiveness, the tendency to worry and depressed mood in people with personality disorders who do not have other diagnosable psychiatric disorders.
Sometimes, especially during a crisis, suicidal threats or acting out, an individual with a personality disorder may need short-term care. Also, when severe personality disorders persist or when a person's home life cannot provide the support and structure he needs, a specialized therapeutic community can furnish the firm structure, close supervision, immediate confrontation in response to inappropriate behavior, group meetings with peers and a structured work program to foster vocational skills. This is often necessary when a person has an anti-social personality disorder.
Prognosis
Fairly good. Studies show that since personality traits are enduring characteristics, personality disorders tend to persist over the years. However, some seem to burn out, others get better. It is likely that through life experience, a person learns to modify the basic aspects of his personality and avoid relationships that don't work. For example, a person with an anti-social or borderline personality disorder can learn to curb his more impulsive and socially unacceptable behaviors over time.
With treatment, the prognosis improves, especially when an individual seeks out treatment on her own, cooperates with the treatment and takes responsibility for her problems. People can learn to modify the expression of these traits through effort and the resulting change in their behavior can reduce their vulnerability to circumstance. On the other hand, when a person projects his difficulties onto his environment, denies responsibility, and claims that he is powerless to correct his own problems, treatment tends to be less effective.
Copyright 1996-2003 Johns Hopkins University. All rights reserved. All information is intended for your general knowledge only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. You should seek prompt medical care for any specific health issues and consult your physician before starting a new fitness regimen. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions. Johns Hopkins subscribes to the HONcode principles of the Health On the Net Foundation.
"Johns Hopkins" and "HopkinsHealth" are trademarks of The Johns Hopkins University and Health System.
I'm jealous, possessive, and insecure, and it will be quite a while before I can overcome these things. The one man that was most understanding of my depression, never tried to understand why I was jealous, possessive and insecure, he only seemed to understand, that he didn't like me being that way, and I'm sure it helped drive him away...
I got this from my liveandworkwell.com website, and I'd link to it, but you have to be a member to read it... so enjoy:
Borderline Personality Disorders
By HopkinsHealth, providing consumer health information from the Johns Hopkins University and Health System. Updated June 2004.
Last Reviewed: December 2004
Borderline Personality Disorders
What is it?
Symptoms and signs
Treatment
Prognosis
What is it?
Borderline personality disorder is theorized to originate in early childhood experiences of significant loss, profoundly unstable attachment to parental figures, trauma, abuse or deprivation. More than half of all patients diagnosed with borderline personality disorder claim to have been physically or sexually abused as children. Estimated to occur in 2 percent to 3 percent of the population, it is a common personality disorder.
If you have a borderline personality disorder, you are constantly trying to ward off panic over real or imagined abandonment. As a result, your behavior may be impulsive and erratic, your moods volatile and your relationships stormy and intense.
You are likely to alternate between frantic efforts to hold on to the people you care for, and, in an attempt to avoid feelings of loss, discounting these same loved ones. To avert feelings of loneliness you might surround yourself with people, despite the fact that you may not get along with them. Stressful circumstances, especially within relationships, usually worsen symptoms.
Because people with borderline personality disorders have extremely fragile identities and self-esteem, they tend to be highly sensitive to social rejection or acceptance. If you have this disorder, you will feel, even when you are in a relationship, essentially isolated and lonely. Whenever you are threatened by impending loss, separation or abandonment, you may react with sudden rage, devaluation or paranoid accusations. It is not uncommon for people with borderline personality disorders to have difficulty controlling their impulses and to use alcohol, drugs, bingeing, self-mutilation or suicidal actions to ward off feelings of isolation and abandonment.
Symptoms and signs
A pattern of unstable relationships that alternates between idealizing and devaluing the other
Precarious sense of self
Wide mood swings
Intense anger
Angry and violent outbursts
Panic over separation or loss
Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Treatment of personality disorders
The fact that personality disorders develop early and are, in fact, the natural way people tend to operate and define themselves complicates the treatment picture. For treatment to be effective, it must address a person's basic, ingrained behavioral patterns, attitudes, relationship styles and functional capacities. Although in most cases, personality disorders are responsive over time to psychotherapy, changing these durable habits of thought, feeling and behavior requires extensive and repetitive examination, evaluation and relearning.
For example, long-term individual psychotherapy can be extremely helpful for those with borderline personality disorders. However, given their difficulties with relationships, the course of therapy is often volatile and uneven. Therapy must weather the intense feelings, demands for care and repeated crises that the individual brings to the process. Even then, the individual with borderline personality disorder is likely to devalue the therapy and therapist and often abruptly and angrily end treatment. In these cases, therapy may take at least five years.
Psychotherapy and, in some cases, psychoanalysis can be impressively effective. Many types of talk therapy that take a more here-and-now approach are also equally effective with personality disorders. In addition to the use of traditional psychotherapy to treat personality disorders, other therapeutic strategies, including cognitive-behavioral techniques and family and group therapy, have proved useful. For example, when a person has a dependent personality disorder, assertiveness training and group therapy may help increase her social self-confidence, encourage autonomy and provide the forum in which she can examine her self-denigrating thoughts and behavior. With schizotypal disorders, psyscho-educational methods, along with supportive psychotherapy, can help the individual develop more appropriate social skills.
The use of medication in treating personality disordered patients varies, but in many instances, is quite effective, especially when used in conjunction with psychotherapy. Furthermore, often the case that a person with a personality disorder comes into therapy reporting feelings of depression, anxiety or certain physical complaints. In those instances, such psychiatric disorders will also be addressed with appropriate medications. Sometimes, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors—paroxetine (Paxil), fluoxetine (Prozac) sertraline (Zoloft), fluvoxamine (Luvox) and escitalopram (Lexapro)— may diminish impulsiveness, the tendency to worry and depressed mood in people with personality disorders who do not have other diagnosable psychiatric disorders.
Sometimes, especially during a crisis, suicidal threats or acting out, an individual with a personality disorder may need short-term care. Also, when severe personality disorders persist or when a person's home life cannot provide the support and structure he needs, a specialized therapeutic community can furnish the firm structure, close supervision, immediate confrontation in response to inappropriate behavior, group meetings with peers and a structured work program to foster vocational skills. This is often necessary when a person has an anti-social personality disorder.
Prognosis
Fairly good. Studies show that since personality traits are enduring characteristics, personality disorders tend to persist over the years. However, some seem to burn out, others get better. It is likely that through life experience, a person learns to modify the basic aspects of his personality and avoid relationships that don't work. For example, a person with an anti-social or borderline personality disorder can learn to curb his more impulsive and socially unacceptable behaviors over time.
With treatment, the prognosis improves, especially when an individual seeks out treatment on her own, cooperates with the treatment and takes responsibility for her problems. People can learn to modify the expression of these traits through effort and the resulting change in their behavior can reduce their vulnerability to circumstance. On the other hand, when a person projects his difficulties onto his environment, denies responsibility, and claims that he is powerless to correct his own problems, treatment tends to be less effective.
Copyright 1996-2003 Johns Hopkins University. All rights reserved. All information is intended for your general knowledge only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. You should seek prompt medical care for any specific health issues and consult your physician before starting a new fitness regimen. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions. Johns Hopkins subscribes to the HONcode principles of the Health On the Net Foundation.
"Johns Hopkins" and "HopkinsHealth" are trademarks of The Johns Hopkins University and Health System.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Friends and Friendship
Friends and Friendship
What Is Friendship?
Jan Wilson
Friendships are relaxed, loyal relationships that involve intimacy, communication, and empathy. Friendship is a relief. Friends relate.
Friendship is an in-depth, relaxed relationship!
Friends relate.
It is an in-depth relationship combining trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, empathy, and intimacy.
These are certainly aspects of life that all of us crave.
Being able to trust and relax with your friend is a big part of friendship.
Remember when you were young and went with a friend to her grandma's for the week-end. It was fun but when you got home, home was wonderful. Your feeling was "I'm home. I can relax now."
That's what a friendship should be.
You go out into the world and do your best. You have your ups and downs, your problems and triumphs, your fun and tribulations. You charm and you perform.
Then you come "home" to a friend. You can relax, put up your feet; you are relieved. If you still have to be charming and/or performing, it's not a relief.
Friendship is a comfy situation like home. You get home, kick off your shoes, relax and sigh, "Ahh, home."
Being able to trust and relax with your best friend is a big part of friendship. Friendships are relationships
But no one can form a friendship until he/she realizes that the basis of being friends is meeting the needs of the other person. One must be a friend to have one.
Never forget that friends relate. Relating is the basis of friendship.
What Is Friendship?
Jan Wilson
Friendships are relaxed, loyal relationships that involve intimacy, communication, and empathy. Friendship is a relief. Friends relate.
Friendship is an in-depth, relaxed relationship!
Friends relate.
It is an in-depth relationship combining trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, empathy, and intimacy.
These are certainly aspects of life that all of us crave.
Being able to trust and relax with your friend is a big part of friendship.
Remember when you were young and went with a friend to her grandma's for the week-end. It was fun but when you got home, home was wonderful. Your feeling was "I'm home. I can relax now."
That's what a friendship should be.
You go out into the world and do your best. You have your ups and downs, your problems and triumphs, your fun and tribulations. You charm and you perform.
Then you come "home" to a friend. You can relax, put up your feet; you are relieved. If you still have to be charming and/or performing, it's not a relief.
Friendship is a comfy situation like home. You get home, kick off your shoes, relax and sigh, "Ahh, home."
Being able to trust and relax with your best friend is a big part of friendship. Friendships are relationships
But no one can form a friendship until he/she realizes that the basis of being friends is meeting the needs of the other person. One must be a friend to have one.
Never forget that friends relate. Relating is the basis of friendship.
Love & Lust Junkies in Relationships.
Love & Lust Junkies in Relationships.
Love and Chemistry
Pat McChristie
Love and Being in Love: Lust junkies have many loves and lovers in a lifetime. They are addicted to the chemical high of lust.
Romantic love or lust can last a few weeks or even a few years, but, unfailingly, the bubble will burst and lust or romantic love will begin to wane...
Some couples stay in the relationship or marriage, but others leave the relationship and go back into the singles' world in search of chemistry. lovers, and romantic love. Many psychologists call these love junkies or lust junkies.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher finds relationships are starting to end at the fourth year in societies all over the world. She opines that romance and romantic love function to lengthen the male-female partnership long enough for procreation.
Barbara De Angeles, Ph.D., in her book Are You the One for Me, calls these people love-at-first-lust junkies. She writes these people are often addicted to the instant high of infatuation. They want those firecrackers popping and rockets going off.
De Angeles says, "You experience raw, sexual chemistry between you and another person, and assign more emotion to the bond than there actually is. You can't stop thinking about the other person, not because you are in love with them, but because you are turned on by them.
"But the high of lust-at-first-sight is often followed by the low of disappointment you feel when the relationship doesn't turn out the way you hoped it would. So many people get rid of the mate/lover but then keep the problem, right into that next person who produces the right chemistry."
Some people do become veritable love junkies. They need the excitement of chemistry to feel happy about and intoxicated by life. Once this initial rush of chemicals wanes, the relationship crumbles and they are off again, seeking another chemical high from infatuation.
The lust junkies also have one other problem. They crave the intoxication of chemistry and infatuation. When the body builds up a tolerance to these chemicals, it takes more and more chemistry to bring that special feeling of love.
Many adults go through life in a series of six-month to three or four year relationships. Some do this even if they are married. In fact, if these love junkies stay married, they are quite likely to seek affairs to fuel their chemical highs.
Love and Chemistry
Pat McChristie
Love and Being in Love: Lust junkies have many loves and lovers in a lifetime. They are addicted to the chemical high of lust.
Romantic love or lust can last a few weeks or even a few years, but, unfailingly, the bubble will burst and lust or romantic love will begin to wane...
Some couples stay in the relationship or marriage, but others leave the relationship and go back into the singles' world in search of chemistry. lovers, and romantic love. Many psychologists call these love junkies or lust junkies.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher finds relationships are starting to end at the fourth year in societies all over the world. She opines that romance and romantic love function to lengthen the male-female partnership long enough for procreation.
Barbara De Angeles, Ph.D., in her book Are You the One for Me, calls these people love-at-first-lust junkies. She writes these people are often addicted to the instant high of infatuation. They want those firecrackers popping and rockets going off.
De Angeles says, "You experience raw, sexual chemistry between you and another person, and assign more emotion to the bond than there actually is. You can't stop thinking about the other person, not because you are in love with them, but because you are turned on by them.
"But the high of lust-at-first-sight is often followed by the low of disappointment you feel when the relationship doesn't turn out the way you hoped it would. So many people get rid of the mate/lover but then keep the problem, right into that next person who produces the right chemistry."
Some people do become veritable love junkies. They need the excitement of chemistry to feel happy about and intoxicated by life. Once this initial rush of chemicals wanes, the relationship crumbles and they are off again, seeking another chemical high from infatuation.
The lust junkies also have one other problem. They crave the intoxication of chemistry and infatuation. When the body builds up a tolerance to these chemicals, it takes more and more chemistry to bring that special feeling of love.
Many adults go through life in a series of six-month to three or four year relationships. Some do this even if they are married. In fact, if these love junkies stay married, they are quite likely to seek affairs to fuel their chemical highs.
Well
I guess I've realized in all this crap going thru my head... that...
its not that I'm mad at T. for his behavior.. or lack there of... I'm mad because of something he told me... something to the effect... of after 9/11 things became different for him, and that there may not be a tommorrow, so you have to do things today... and love was one of those things.
I love him, he loves me... I don't understand why we can't try to work things out. He always acts like he doesn't have anything to offer. All I want is love, we can work on everything else together.
Well I got lots of therapy... today.. about two hours of it, between my therapist, and then at the ER.... Both were nice. Not completely helpful though, I need about 200 million of hours of therapy before i get things solved...
I know everyone says I should be happy with what I got, but I don't have the love and support I need. I felt like I got alot from T. He always listened to me cry. Now I have noone. Noone to hold me.. Noone to love me... Noone to make me smile when I'm sad. I feel like such a baby. As a matter of a fact.. one of my friends, told me.. "at least you get to see ur kid... you need to grow up." I agree.. to an extent, but that was harsh... Emotionally.. I am a child, emotionally, I've never had parents, I've always had to just .. deal with what happened, be strong and move on... no matter what... And now I see how much I fucked up, both with my sisters and brothers and with my own child. Her heart aches like mine does, and she's so young. Why on earth almost 7 years ago.. did I decide to ruin this child's life? I mean.. I can only do my best now, but my best isn't good enough. I need to do better. I have to. Otherwise she'll end up like me...
AND don't get me wrong, its not completely bad, but... I don't want her to feel the pain I feel on a daily basis...
ANd I want to apoligize.. I said the other day noone cares.. AND I have some friends that do, and were offended by that. I feel like noone cares. I seriously do. Noone calls me, noone tells me they love me, or just randomly emails me... noone seems to pay attention till I'm in a crisis. I know, people have lives, and I'm not the best friend in the world either, but I need to know before I'm feeling bad. Once I'm feeling bad, I just think the world takes pity on me. Like I just feel T. is sometimes.
I put that article up because it wrong about things... that I thought were interesting.. AND because of the chemicals in my body, thats why I feel better just by the sound of T.'s voice... on the phone..
its not that I'm mad at T. for his behavior.. or lack there of... I'm mad because of something he told me... something to the effect... of after 9/11 things became different for him, and that there may not be a tommorrow, so you have to do things today... and love was one of those things.
I love him, he loves me... I don't understand why we can't try to work things out. He always acts like he doesn't have anything to offer. All I want is love, we can work on everything else together.
Well I got lots of therapy... today.. about two hours of it, between my therapist, and then at the ER.... Both were nice. Not completely helpful though, I need about 200 million of hours of therapy before i get things solved...
I know everyone says I should be happy with what I got, but I don't have the love and support I need. I felt like I got alot from T. He always listened to me cry. Now I have noone. Noone to hold me.. Noone to love me... Noone to make me smile when I'm sad. I feel like such a baby. As a matter of a fact.. one of my friends, told me.. "at least you get to see ur kid... you need to grow up." I agree.. to an extent, but that was harsh... Emotionally.. I am a child, emotionally, I've never had parents, I've always had to just .. deal with what happened, be strong and move on... no matter what... And now I see how much I fucked up, both with my sisters and brothers and with my own child. Her heart aches like mine does, and she's so young. Why on earth almost 7 years ago.. did I decide to ruin this child's life? I mean.. I can only do my best now, but my best isn't good enough. I need to do better. I have to. Otherwise she'll end up like me...
AND don't get me wrong, its not completely bad, but... I don't want her to feel the pain I feel on a daily basis...
ANd I want to apoligize.. I said the other day noone cares.. AND I have some friends that do, and were offended by that. I feel like noone cares. I seriously do. Noone calls me, noone tells me they love me, or just randomly emails me... noone seems to pay attention till I'm in a crisis. I know, people have lives, and I'm not the best friend in the world either, but I need to know before I'm feeling bad. Once I'm feeling bad, I just think the world takes pity on me. Like I just feel T. is sometimes.
I put that article up because it wrong about things... that I thought were interesting.. AND because of the chemicals in my body, thats why I feel better just by the sound of T.'s voice... on the phone..
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Love: Right or Happy?
Love: Right or Happy?
Do we have a good "relationship?"
Are you doing love "right?"
Am I doing love "right?"
R.L. "Bob" Carver
Love and loving: Are you someone who makes others glad they are who they are? If your answer is YES, then you will find love in your relationships. Ask your partner what he/she needs to feel loved.
With all the self-help books that tell us how to get love "right," even give us advice on how to make love "right," why is it that we still can't get our relationships "right?"
Is it true that men and women speak different love languages? Are men really from Mars and women really from Venus when relationships are concerned?
No matter how well intended these books are, they have severe limitations. Most are assumptions about love and relationships with no real basis in clinical evidence.
There are some studies available, however, which offer extensive factors on what constitute well-functioning relationships. They can even predict with 90% plus accuracy what factors will lead to love and happiness or misery, separation, and divorce.
A stable relationship is characterized by people who understand that love is something that you do; it is not something you get "right." It is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.
We are all human and that means we are not perfect. We have our limitations and we always will.
Happiness is a route that will "happen." You can't be happy if you aren't doing something positive.
Problems are inherent in all relationships. Some can be solved; some cannot.
Here are some thoughts that may help guide you through the tough times:
1. Beliefs about love and loving. We learned about loving from our families and no two families are alike. Consequently, how you want to be loved and how you love your partner may not be what he or she needs in order to feel love. Ask your partner what he/she needs to feel loved. Don't guess or assume.
2. Language. Language itself, by its very nature, causes problems. No two people understand a statement the same way. Ask this question, "Can you explain what you mean." This question can clear up many misunderstandings.
3. Relationship rules. Relationship rules have to be negotiated regarding work, play, money, and sex. She believes in working till you drop; he believes that enough is enough. She want opera; he wants to go to the football game. She wants sex occasionally; he wants it often. Negotiate!
4. Selfishness. People want to have their own way. Trade out so both of you get your needs met in the relationship.
5. Wounds. Wounds, from past relationships or family, projected into your current relationship will cause problems. Big ones. He/ she is different, better we hope, because we have learned from our past mistakes and don't want to repeat them.
6. Differences: Sex differences and idiosyncratic differences and differences of personality. The more you have in common, the better chance you have of making it together.
7. Self-esteem. The level of solid self-esteem each person has achieved will make a big difference. If you don't like you, then why should anyone else?
8. Familiarity, boredom and routine. 150 years ago marriages lasted 15 years. With today's life expectancy a marriage can last many times that long. Women know more about romance than men. But women can teach us; most of us are willing to learn, especially when we know the rewards.
9. Controlling. Controlling another's friends, time, or anything else will create major blocks and place barriers between partners.
10. Jealousy. Jealously is truly a Green-Eyed Monster that will cause relationships to fail. Jealousy is based in fear and seldom based in reality. Fear is defined as False Evidence Appearing Real, not reality.
The above are causes of many needless breakups. If you mistrust, want to control, have contempt for and/or withdraw from your partner, then you are headed towards trouble in your relationship. Everyone needs to feel trusted, appreciated, and loved.
You can think, and know, you are "right," and still be wrong. Right and wrong are not what counts in a relationship. This counts: Does it work, and if it doesn't work, how can we fix it so both parties feel good about themselves?
An old saying that I want to leave you with is," When someone makes you feel good about being who you are, that is the person you want to be with more and more."
Are you someone who makes others glad they are who they are?
If your answer is YES, then you will find love.
If your answer is NO, then just think about what you are missing in life.
Additional information about love, loving, being loved
Do we have a good "relationship?"
Are you doing love "right?"
Am I doing love "right?"
R.L. "Bob" Carver
Love and loving: Are you someone who makes others glad they are who they are? If your answer is YES, then you will find love in your relationships. Ask your partner what he/she needs to feel loved.
With all the self-help books that tell us how to get love "right," even give us advice on how to make love "right," why is it that we still can't get our relationships "right?"
Is it true that men and women speak different love languages? Are men really from Mars and women really from Venus when relationships are concerned?
No matter how well intended these books are, they have severe limitations. Most are assumptions about love and relationships with no real basis in clinical evidence.
There are some studies available, however, which offer extensive factors on what constitute well-functioning relationships. They can even predict with 90% plus accuracy what factors will lead to love and happiness or misery, separation, and divorce.
A stable relationship is characterized by people who understand that love is something that you do; it is not something you get "right." It is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.
We are all human and that means we are not perfect. We have our limitations and we always will.
Happiness is a route that will "happen." You can't be happy if you aren't doing something positive.
Problems are inherent in all relationships. Some can be solved; some cannot.
Here are some thoughts that may help guide you through the tough times:
1. Beliefs about love and loving. We learned about loving from our families and no two families are alike. Consequently, how you want to be loved and how you love your partner may not be what he or she needs in order to feel love. Ask your partner what he/she needs to feel loved. Don't guess or assume.
2. Language. Language itself, by its very nature, causes problems. No two people understand a statement the same way. Ask this question, "Can you explain what you mean." This question can clear up many misunderstandings.
3. Relationship rules. Relationship rules have to be negotiated regarding work, play, money, and sex. She believes in working till you drop; he believes that enough is enough. She want opera; he wants to go to the football game. She wants sex occasionally; he wants it often. Negotiate!
4. Selfishness. People want to have their own way. Trade out so both of you get your needs met in the relationship.
5. Wounds. Wounds, from past relationships or family, projected into your current relationship will cause problems. Big ones. He/ she is different, better we hope, because we have learned from our past mistakes and don't want to repeat them.
6. Differences: Sex differences and idiosyncratic differences and differences of personality. The more you have in common, the better chance you have of making it together.
7. Self-esteem. The level of solid self-esteem each person has achieved will make a big difference. If you don't like you, then why should anyone else?
8. Familiarity, boredom and routine. 150 years ago marriages lasted 15 years. With today's life expectancy a marriage can last many times that long. Women know more about romance than men. But women can teach us; most of us are willing to learn, especially when we know the rewards.
9. Controlling. Controlling another's friends, time, or anything else will create major blocks and place barriers between partners.
10. Jealousy. Jealously is truly a Green-Eyed Monster that will cause relationships to fail. Jealousy is based in fear and seldom based in reality. Fear is defined as False Evidence Appearing Real, not reality.
The above are causes of many needless breakups. If you mistrust, want to control, have contempt for and/or withdraw from your partner, then you are headed towards trouble in your relationship. Everyone needs to feel trusted, appreciated, and loved.
You can think, and know, you are "right," and still be wrong. Right and wrong are not what counts in a relationship. This counts: Does it work, and if it doesn't work, how can we fix it so both parties feel good about themselves?
An old saying that I want to leave you with is," When someone makes you feel good about being who you are, that is the person you want to be with more and more."
Are you someone who makes others glad they are who they are?
If your answer is YES, then you will find love.
If your answer is NO, then just think about what you are missing in life.
Additional information about love, loving, being loved
The Ethical Slut
The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities (ISBN 1890159018) is a book about the practical aspects of polyamory. It was first published in 1997 by Greenery Press.
Written by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, it discusses how to live an active life with multiple concurrent sexual relationships in a fair and honest way, how to deal with the practical difficulties and opportunities in finding and keeping partners, maintaining relationships with others and strategies for personal growth. According to their principles, "a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you."
Written by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, it discusses how to live an active life with multiple concurrent sexual relationships in a fair and honest way, how to deal with the practical difficulties and opportunities in finding and keeping partners, maintaining relationships with others and strategies for personal growth. According to their principles, "a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you."
FUCKED UP
My life is soo fucked up.
I don't know what to do, where to turn...
or what steps I need to take to get better...
I need help.
I'm going off the edge.... and starting to go really fast..
each day is like 20x worse than the last.
Noone cares...
Noone understands...
I'm afraid to get help. I'm afraid to lose my job. This will prolly be my second write up in two weeks.... though I do have vacation time to take.. I'm not sure whats going to happen. I barely function....
I barely breathe.. I barely find a reason to survive..
and I want one.
I drive dangerously, usually over 85, and I've told myself if I see a cop, I am NOT stopping.. I will die.. first..
AND that I will..
Lucky for me.. (and you, and my family), I've not seen any police...
I don't know what to do, where to turn...
or what steps I need to take to get better...
I need help.
I'm going off the edge.... and starting to go really fast..
each day is like 20x worse than the last.
Noone cares...
Noone understands...
I'm afraid to get help. I'm afraid to lose my job. This will prolly be my second write up in two weeks.... though I do have vacation time to take.. I'm not sure whats going to happen. I barely function....
I barely breathe.. I barely find a reason to survive..
and I want one.
I drive dangerously, usually over 85, and I've told myself if I see a cop, I am NOT stopping.. I will die.. first..
AND that I will..
Lucky for me.. (and you, and my family), I've not seen any police...
Friday, January 07, 2005
Shit Sucks
Migraines... Depression... Loneliness..
Does it ever fucking end?
Only I guess when I die...
I don't get this fucking shit... they (my insurance company, EAP, or whatever the fuck..) try to get me an appointment, and don't bother fucking asking what time I need an appt. They know I got a fucking job, I'm the cardholder of the insurance policy.. and I have to work for THE HARTFORD, to get the fucking policy.. so they refer me to someone whose only open when I'm at work, and on Saturdays... WTF.. I hate fucking stupid people. So I'm fucked off even more now. The lady was nice too.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so one edge right now, I'd go jump off a bridge, but it would never work. I'd tell someone, or fuck it up or something. Then I'd be fucked even more, cuz I wouldn't be able to walk or talk, and work, then I'd be worse than when I started, then I'd be depressed more, cuz I was so fucked up. So then I'd try it again.
I know my thoughts are fucked up, I try not to act on them, but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
Noone loves me, everyone hates me.. mite as well go eat worms.
I don't feel loved, and thats all I want more than anything. I want to be held, and loved. I have to like ask my daughter any more for kisses.. and hugs.. not that I blame her, If I were her, I wouldn't want to be around me either...
I hate myself and want to die....
but.. really.. all I really want.. is not that.. I want love and support. . from my friends and family. I want to know that someone cares about me. I waste my time caring for all these people that don't give a damn about me.... My family, my friends at work, crazy people I talk to on the phone at work... my crazy internet friends, T....., The only persons I know care, are Lisa, and maybe... Shannon.. and they really don't even understand how bad it is. I know Shannon definately doesn't.. mostly cuz i was doing ok, last I saw her.. but now I'm alone again...
and I can't be at peace with myself....
Does it ever fucking end?
Only I guess when I die...
I don't get this fucking shit... they (my insurance company, EAP, or whatever the fuck..) try to get me an appointment, and don't bother fucking asking what time I need an appt. They know I got a fucking job, I'm the cardholder of the insurance policy.. and I have to work for THE HARTFORD, to get the fucking policy.. so they refer me to someone whose only open when I'm at work, and on Saturdays... WTF.. I hate fucking stupid people. So I'm fucked off even more now. The lady was nice too.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so one edge right now, I'd go jump off a bridge, but it would never work. I'd tell someone, or fuck it up or something. Then I'd be fucked even more, cuz I wouldn't be able to walk or talk, and work, then I'd be worse than when I started, then I'd be depressed more, cuz I was so fucked up. So then I'd try it again.
I know my thoughts are fucked up, I try not to act on them, but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
Noone loves me, everyone hates me.. mite as well go eat worms.
I don't feel loved, and thats all I want more than anything. I want to be held, and loved. I have to like ask my daughter any more for kisses.. and hugs.. not that I blame her, If I were her, I wouldn't want to be around me either...
I hate myself and want to die....
but.. really.. all I really want.. is not that.. I want love and support. . from my friends and family. I want to know that someone cares about me. I waste my time caring for all these people that don't give a damn about me.... My family, my friends at work, crazy people I talk to on the phone at work... my crazy internet friends, T....., The only persons I know care, are Lisa, and maybe... Shannon.. and they really don't even understand how bad it is. I know Shannon definately doesn't.. mostly cuz i was doing ok, last I saw her.. but now I'm alone again...
and I can't be at peace with myself....
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Life....
Talked to T. the other nite. Wish he wasn't so tired. But.. after royally pissing me off, he called, and cheered me up, right before falling asleep on me. We were on the phone like half an hour. (no phone sex- and he said that's why he didn't want to talk, cuz he was tired, and we'd end up having phone sex till 5 in the morning)... It didn't happen, though I wasn't behaving too well...
So it comes to the thought.... that I wonder if we really love each other. I know we care.. in our sick little ways... but... my friend asked.. how much we had actually seen each other.... I replied.. 3 times. That's it... I mean we talk tons... and tons.. but.. I base my wanting to spend my life with him. .. on the three times we were together. It felt so wonderful. He's so loving, so affectionate... so cuddly. I love being in his arms, sleeping naked with him, making love.... showering... everything we did, I loved... kisses at the front door... makeout session on the couch..
But it all comes down to how. .. much time we spent together. you figure, most nites he got here around 10 (the first nite.. he was late) and he left around 5 the next day, most days.... so each time he was here max of 19 hours, times 3 days.... thats 57 hours.. MAX (well, actually subtract 2 hour for the nite he was late..) so 55 hours, thats a bit over 2 days... , 2 days 7 hours.... some of which was sleeping...
SO my story.. is... that even though, I realize this... I still do love him, but what is it about for him? I mean really. Whenever he sounds kind of grumpy and lonely... I ask him if he wants me to come over.... and tuck him in.. he says.. yes... but sometimes he says.. "would you fuck me instead", I of course.. say yes...
I love the man, he turns me on, and him asking me that turns me on more... plus, I want him, I want to please him.
Thing is, he keeps saying he's broke, and it just sounds like a lame excuse. I've said...numerous times, that I'd come down. That I wasn't broke. Hell, I'd even cook for him.. if he came up.. and if affording gas money is the problem.. I'd help with that, I just think its lame. I make more money than him, it sounds wierd... but.. I kind of just want to see him, to see if things are the same as they were.....its been months since we seen each other. Thing is, I'd go down there if he asked, but he hasn't asked. But now, he'll be busy with the band, and I won't even get a call once a month now....
I know.. i sound bitter, but... I am. I don't understand if we love each other, why we can't be together. And its because he's in control. He'll say its not, but it is. I've made my choice, I want to be with him, and I don't actively sit here and wait, I go out, I try to have fun... but everything reminds me of T. Everything reminds me that I want him. When I hear his voice I melt. I fell in love with the voice first....
I just don't understand him, or that things have to be this way....
It makes me want to cry and cry. I'm so jealous that he's ok with things how they are. I'm so jealous of other couples, of people with families. And I sit here like always... alone... alone and sad. Being with people makes me happy. Being with T., makes me happier. It makes my daughter happy.... It gives me hope, it gives me dreams for the future. Not I sit here, trying to plan my year, and it all seems hopeless, because I don't want to be alone. I don't feel I should have to be. But I can't find anyone that can tolerate my mood swings, my bitchiness, my problems, my issues.... and I don't want anyone who can't, honestly. I want to get better, and I will, but I don't want anyone that can't take the bad with the good. Because It will... I will get better. I see everyday, things change for me, I conquer just a little bit.
Last week, I've started to conquer my anxieties.. I went to the prison... before that... I went out by myself. Something I never did, in the almost 26 years of my life. I won't let this mental health shit conquer me... I've had enough of it.
I want to also attribute my terrific mood to my new friend John, whose a mechanic, but seems pretty bright. ( I don't usually put the two together, but thats an aweful stereotype). He's really funny though. First man, that I could joke about sexual stuff with, the made me laugh my ass off, and didn't try to hit on me.. or ask me to take my clothes off. I hate that shit. I hate some men that are pigs... it fucks me off. He was pretty cool though, a bit of a smart ass like me.
Well, I gotta go see my hot dentist and get my teeth cleaned.. (opps.. did I say that outloud??? lol)
So it comes to the thought.... that I wonder if we really love each other. I know we care.. in our sick little ways... but... my friend asked.. how much we had actually seen each other.... I replied.. 3 times. That's it... I mean we talk tons... and tons.. but.. I base my wanting to spend my life with him. .. on the three times we were together. It felt so wonderful. He's so loving, so affectionate... so cuddly. I love being in his arms, sleeping naked with him, making love.... showering... everything we did, I loved... kisses at the front door... makeout session on the couch..
But it all comes down to how. .. much time we spent together. you figure, most nites he got here around 10 (the first nite.. he was late) and he left around 5 the next day, most days.... so each time he was here max of 19 hours, times 3 days.... thats 57 hours.. MAX (well, actually subtract 2 hour for the nite he was late..) so 55 hours, thats a bit over 2 days... , 2 days 7 hours.... some of which was sleeping...
SO my story.. is... that even though, I realize this... I still do love him, but what is it about for him? I mean really. Whenever he sounds kind of grumpy and lonely... I ask him if he wants me to come over.... and tuck him in.. he says.. yes... but sometimes he says.. "would you fuck me instead", I of course.. say yes...
I love the man, he turns me on, and him asking me that turns me on more... plus, I want him, I want to please him.
Thing is, he keeps saying he's broke, and it just sounds like a lame excuse. I've said...numerous times, that I'd come down. That I wasn't broke. Hell, I'd even cook for him.. if he came up.. and if affording gas money is the problem.. I'd help with that, I just think its lame. I make more money than him, it sounds wierd... but.. I kind of just want to see him, to see if things are the same as they were.....its been months since we seen each other. Thing is, I'd go down there if he asked, but he hasn't asked. But now, he'll be busy with the band, and I won't even get a call once a month now....
I know.. i sound bitter, but... I am. I don't understand if we love each other, why we can't be together. And its because he's in control. He'll say its not, but it is. I've made my choice, I want to be with him, and I don't actively sit here and wait, I go out, I try to have fun... but everything reminds me of T. Everything reminds me that I want him. When I hear his voice I melt. I fell in love with the voice first....
I just don't understand him, or that things have to be this way....
It makes me want to cry and cry. I'm so jealous that he's ok with things how they are. I'm so jealous of other couples, of people with families. And I sit here like always... alone... alone and sad. Being with people makes me happy. Being with T., makes me happier. It makes my daughter happy.... It gives me hope, it gives me dreams for the future. Not I sit here, trying to plan my year, and it all seems hopeless, because I don't want to be alone. I don't feel I should have to be. But I can't find anyone that can tolerate my mood swings, my bitchiness, my problems, my issues.... and I don't want anyone who can't, honestly. I want to get better, and I will, but I don't want anyone that can't take the bad with the good. Because It will... I will get better. I see everyday, things change for me, I conquer just a little bit.
Last week, I've started to conquer my anxieties.. I went to the prison... before that... I went out by myself. Something I never did, in the almost 26 years of my life. I won't let this mental health shit conquer me... I've had enough of it.
I want to also attribute my terrific mood to my new friend John, whose a mechanic, but seems pretty bright. ( I don't usually put the two together, but thats an aweful stereotype). He's really funny though. First man, that I could joke about sexual stuff with, the made me laugh my ass off, and didn't try to hit on me.. or ask me to take my clothes off. I hate that shit. I hate some men that are pigs... it fucks me off. He was pretty cool though, a bit of a smart ass like me.
Well, I gotta go see my hot dentist and get my teeth cleaned.. (opps.. did I say that outloud??? lol)
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
So much to write... so little time...
No.. its not my demise...
its just.. I should get to bed soon.
I enjoyed visiting Punky last Thursday. It was the most enjoyable day of my vacation. Holding hands with someone that I love. He's impossible, but I love him. He still finds things in prison humorous... like fucking with people. But.. he's still able to smile. I'm not sure how much he smiles when I'm not there... but he smiled when he looked at me.. and it made me think.. of "the good ole days.." We always had a blast...
But thats not my life now. I regret with everything.. that I have a child. Those thoughts in my head, make me sad and sick, because I rarely have regrets. I've never been in my life, without child, but in the last few years, I've experienced brief moments... and I want more of them, but it is highly impossible. That is my one big problem with T. I'm highly jealous of his lifestyle, of his ability to up and do whatever he wants, without have to worry about anyone, without having to report to anyone... I hate my life. I've been taking care of kids for the last 20 years.. Yes.. I made my choices, and the choices I made, have made me a more compassionate and caring person, but I'm not sure I want to be that anymore.
I received a threatening email from EPB today. Scares me a bit actually, but.... its weird. I guess his new gf or something ran across my blog.. (well duh, she must of been looking... its not hard to find once you are looking--just type in my screen name) And he threatened me and T, with bodily harm, and I guess death. Part of me is relieved, because in a way.. that means he is healing, he wants to hurt me instead of himself.. (well I guess.. I don't really know). He needs to just move on though...
Well.. while I'm talking about moving on, I need to move on myself. I need to get over T. and quit my obsessive dreaming.. If he really loved me like he leads me on to believe.. then he'd actually call. He would of thought of me on the holidays. He would of returned my calls. If he was the man I really thought he was, he would of been with me during the holidays. But.. I was wrong.. again... and I need to admitt that, let my heart heal, and move the fuck on. I'm in too much pain. I'm too depressed. All over a friendship, that led to a very brief, three weekend relationship.... All because of words he said to me, that I believed.. which I should of known by now.. would never be true. I can't tolerate myself sometimes, how could someone else. I need someone that really truely wants me, regardless of my fucked up faults... regardless of my lack of trusting, I want someone that will always stick by myside.. because they truely love me. I don't have hope anymore that I'll find that love. And I'm ok.. by myself, but I don't know that its best for Darian. It worries me, her growing up without a father.. but.. if its meant to be, it will happen one day...
I got pictures done with my sister today.... Check them out AT Yahoo
its just.. I should get to bed soon.
I enjoyed visiting Punky last Thursday. It was the most enjoyable day of my vacation. Holding hands with someone that I love. He's impossible, but I love him. He still finds things in prison humorous... like fucking with people. But.. he's still able to smile. I'm not sure how much he smiles when I'm not there... but he smiled when he looked at me.. and it made me think.. of "the good ole days.." We always had a blast...
But thats not my life now. I regret with everything.. that I have a child. Those thoughts in my head, make me sad and sick, because I rarely have regrets. I've never been in my life, without child, but in the last few years, I've experienced brief moments... and I want more of them, but it is highly impossible. That is my one big problem with T. I'm highly jealous of his lifestyle, of his ability to up and do whatever he wants, without have to worry about anyone, without having to report to anyone... I hate my life. I've been taking care of kids for the last 20 years.. Yes.. I made my choices, and the choices I made, have made me a more compassionate and caring person, but I'm not sure I want to be that anymore.
I received a threatening email from EPB today. Scares me a bit actually, but.... its weird. I guess his new gf or something ran across my blog.. (well duh, she must of been looking... its not hard to find once you are looking--just type in my screen name) And he threatened me and T, with bodily harm, and I guess death. Part of me is relieved, because in a way.. that means he is healing, he wants to hurt me instead of himself.. (well I guess.. I don't really know). He needs to just move on though...
Well.. while I'm talking about moving on, I need to move on myself. I need to get over T. and quit my obsessive dreaming.. If he really loved me like he leads me on to believe.. then he'd actually call. He would of thought of me on the holidays. He would of returned my calls. If he was the man I really thought he was, he would of been with me during the holidays. But.. I was wrong.. again... and I need to admitt that, let my heart heal, and move the fuck on. I'm in too much pain. I'm too depressed. All over a friendship, that led to a very brief, three weekend relationship.... All because of words he said to me, that I believed.. which I should of known by now.. would never be true. I can't tolerate myself sometimes, how could someone else. I need someone that really truely wants me, regardless of my fucked up faults... regardless of my lack of trusting, I want someone that will always stick by myside.. because they truely love me. I don't have hope anymore that I'll find that love. And I'm ok.. by myself, but I don't know that its best for Darian. It worries me, her growing up without a father.. but.. if its meant to be, it will happen one day...
I got pictures done with my sister today.... Check them out AT Yahoo
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Happy NEW YEAR!!
My ass.. for weeks I've been depressed...
so depressed and feeling a bit suicidal.. not now.. but overall.
IT really sucks. I look like shit. I feel like shit, and I'm alone.. and lonely..
and regretting my life. I know I can change it, but I really don't have the hope that anything I do will make a difference.
All I can think about is T., and Punky, my friend that is in prison. They are the two men, that broke my heart in my life. They supposedly both still love me, but couldn't and wouldn't give me what I needed. The biggest thing I think of is commitment, but it is so much more than that.
Its so hard for me to let go, knowing that I'm still loved. I need more than just love. Maybe one day I'll find it.. maybe one day I won't. Maybe one day, I'll just randomly die. Maybe one day, I'll give up again, and kill myself. Maybe one day, I'll find myself a husband. That I doubt. Only time will tell.
Last week, driving down the highway.. about 95 to 100 miles an hour.. I think about the flashing lights of a police man, and know if I see them, I won't be stopped. I thought about different object along the side of the road... that I could hit.. after I take off my seat belt. I wouldn't stop, cuz that would mean losing my license, and my then my job... and.. I'd rather die than lose my license... and I'd rather die than slow down.
That's my life I guess. I'm still alive, thru another year. I'll be 26 this year. I feel so alone, so old, so lost... so confused, so hurt. I feel like I have nothing to live for. Noone would miss me, my daughter doesn't care 90% of the time if I'm even around.
so depressed and feeling a bit suicidal.. not now.. but overall.
IT really sucks. I look like shit. I feel like shit, and I'm alone.. and lonely..
and regretting my life. I know I can change it, but I really don't have the hope that anything I do will make a difference.
All I can think about is T., and Punky, my friend that is in prison. They are the two men, that broke my heart in my life. They supposedly both still love me, but couldn't and wouldn't give me what I needed. The biggest thing I think of is commitment, but it is so much more than that.
Its so hard for me to let go, knowing that I'm still loved. I need more than just love. Maybe one day I'll find it.. maybe one day I won't. Maybe one day, I'll just randomly die. Maybe one day, I'll give up again, and kill myself. Maybe one day, I'll find myself a husband. That I doubt. Only time will tell.
Last week, driving down the highway.. about 95 to 100 miles an hour.. I think about the flashing lights of a police man, and know if I see them, I won't be stopped. I thought about different object along the side of the road... that I could hit.. after I take off my seat belt. I wouldn't stop, cuz that would mean losing my license, and my then my job... and.. I'd rather die than lose my license... and I'd rather die than slow down.
That's my life I guess. I'm still alive, thru another year. I'll be 26 this year. I feel so alone, so old, so lost... so confused, so hurt. I feel like I have nothing to live for. Noone would miss me, my daughter doesn't care 90% of the time if I'm even around.
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