Not much to write..

Still depressed, no suicidal thoughts today though..
prolly cuz I didn't have a chance to think them..
I had a migraine most the day.. nauseated... and sick.. and felt like my
fucking head was gonna explode. Got out of bed... for the day at around 4-5. Not sure when.. I wasn't too fuctional. I'm heading back home tommorrow morning.

Stopping by near Harrisburg to visit Punky though. I'm very anxious about the whole thing, but.. I really want to see him. It's weird. He was the first guy to break my heart, we are still friends.. and I will always love him... and then.. I meet T., and although he broke my heart.. I still want to be in his life.. even if it has to be as friends... though.. T. will never open up to me like Punky did... although I think thats mostly cuz Punky has alot of fucking time on his hands to think about shit, and regret it.. and etc...

Oh well. Like sucks, then you die.

To be .. or not to be..... That is the question....

At moments...
I want to live more than anything...
and other moments,
I would prefer to cease to exist...
I want the total destruction of my existence...
I want to be dead.

It's all debatable....

Depression

Sets in.
Holidays suck. Christmas sucks. New Years sucks.. even more now. Valentines Day sucks, my birthday sucks. Every day of the year sucks. I'm sure next year will be about the same.. or maybe worse.

I realize each time I see my family , why I dispise their character... they are horrible people really. I don't know how they rationalize their fucked up attitudes. I don't rationalize mine. I know they are fucked up, and i readily admit when I know they are. Another of my character flaws.

I had so much I wanted to write here.. but I'm so utterly depressed, I'd like to go blow my brains out.

I'm lucky a cop didn't pull me over for speeding today, cuz I'd be dead. I figured, if I got pulled over going 90/100 in a 65 or 55, I'd be screwed, so.. I figured I'd try to outrun them.. and just run myself into some random tree, and hopefully I'd be so dead of fucked up it wouldn't matter. I'd rather die than lose my license... and I'd rather die than slow down. Thats something that won't ever change, until I hurt someone.. (then I'd blow my brains out).. or.. until I kill myself.

Either way.. at this day, at this point in time.. I'd wish nothing more than.. to either be held and loved.... or dead. Since I can't be held.. I wish to be dead.

I'd like to get go get drunk.. but.. the idea of what I'd do after I drank, would be unbelieveable... and I'm truely trying to stay alive, but really don't have a reason. I get so fucking ticked off by people saying.. "do it for Darian".. "FUCK YOU BUDDY... do you have kids?? NO.. do you fucking even really care?? NO!! then go the fuck away, and if I die.. I die... its not ur fucking business"

I hate people. I hate most people actually. I hate they way they are so pessimistic, so anal, so uncooperative, so gabby, and so fickle. YES>. today.. I hate myself too. As well as everyone else. I've been avoiding the phone. I'm glad none of my so called friends have really called. Cuz I'd hate to have to ignore the ring.. yeah right....

I have to get thru these three days.. and make myself go back up there.. or something bad mite happen. I'm so scared.

Not sure

What to post.
Everything pisses me off lately.
Why.. when a girl just has sex because she wants to, she's a slut, but a guy does it, and he's a stud?

Its not like I have sex w/ anyone or even everyone, cuz believe me... if all i wanted was sex I'd have it every nite. I want so much more. I need so much more, unfortunately... I can't handle relationships, and I alway seem to sabatage them. I pretty much give up on this. I think I'll buy myself a new dildo for New Years, and just learn how to love masturbating more. (duh I love it already), that or I'll just find myself a girlfriend. Which I'm sure women eat pussy better anyway... blah.. I'm only kidding though... I really love cock.. too much actually... as I'm really needing sex, and haven't had phone sex in almost a week. I think. And.. well.. haven't w/ T.. for a while.. and would love to. Only I don't have hope for that anymore... its really hopeless. It's obvious in my world, that he doesn't care about me like I do him, and he's not looking for the same things, and I just need to face up to that.

I sent him out a xmas card today, him and a few of my other friends.. and I know its late. I almost didn't... cuz I feel like it is a waste of my time, and energy... but I guess more than anything I just want him to know I love him, though I don't see that it helps.

We are different. I am different. I want to spend the holidays.. in the one that I loves arms.. and I'm very depressed about this. Every holiday I end up alone, every New Years, every Valentines Day.. every Birthday.. year after year... and I really can't handle in anymore.... Do they do Male order grooms? haha..

Why does life have to be so complicated. Why does my heart have to hurt so much.. why can't I just get over him.. he tells me I need to find someone better.. but i question that every time he says that.. Is it more about me? or him? does he say that because he just doesn't want me, or because he thinks he'll hurt me, or cuz he just doesn't beleive in himself?

I Dunno, I can't dwell on it tonite. I need to go get ready for bed.. masturbate and go to sleep. I have a long drive tommorrow... I will enjoy my trip, but be more lonely cuz I have noone to talk to on the phone and I won't be online... and honestly.. I'd rather be doing something else.. but .. I don't have any other someplace else, that anyone wants me to be at.

The Christmas Depression sets in...

its getting worse. Not sure what to do. I hate men, I hate life, I hate my family, I hate my job.
I love a few of my friends.. (well all the true friends), my daughter, and I still love my car.

Gotta love Lisa, though... I pine over T., and think it will never be I don't quite agree, though part of me does. I'm angry, I'm bitter, I don't want to spend the holidays with my family... two months ago, and now I still want to spend them with him. But he'd rather be alone.

What a pisser...

I got a phone call, from it seems... a nice guy...

Dude

I'm fucked off and freaked out at the same time.... Listen to this..

I lean over, to smell my new purple/grape candle, that I was burning tonite. I was also getting ready to blow it out. I lean over, my hair not even near the candle to my knowledge, and i see flames in front of my face. I pat my head and put the flames out, still in awe as to how that happened. So I smell this aweful stinking shit, and figure I'll still have to just trim the edge off my hair to fix it, and I go downstairs to take a look at the damage.

The ends are burnt just a bit, then i look in the mirror my eyelashes are fucked up, I burnt my eyelashes, the white hairs between my eyebrows.. and i look, and some of my hair is almost burnt to the root on top. Looks like shit. Sure.. It is just hair.. that is my philosophy..but...

I'm fucking lucky I didn't hurt myself more, and i don't quite get the eyelash thing, cuz.. well I have my glasses on. This is fucked up.. ya know? I'm a bit fucked over as to how it even happened.... but glad I didn't hurt my eyes or burn my skin or something.. but still.

.... on another note....

The fan club is getting bigger.. I feel I may have some real prospects, which is scary/exciting/... and frustrating at the same time. Miss T. of course... will that ever end. I wish he wanted me.. like I want him. I feel like I just need to get over him, because he's 37. .. yah know... if he was really looking to settle down.. he'd do so.... and besides... if he would stay with me if I was pregnant, but I'm not good enough to be with/make time with/ love... in general, whats the point.

Now I'm fucking crying... again. I was fine a few minutes ago. EVerything I think about dating.. I get so upset..cuz.. I just want him.

I'm going to bed now, before I get fucked over more..and do/say... something I may regret in the future...

Just me and the smell of burnt hair.

Cutting.....

Well I donated blood yesterday. That went well, I got a bit sick near the end, but I survived, and have no pain or bruising from it. Which is great. I am tired as hell though, but not cuz of donating, just cuz I go to bed at like 3 or later, and get up at 7 or 8 in the AM.

On my way home... last nite. had some aweful calls again. I felt really like cutting, more than I have in a long time, prolly 6 months. I started calling everyone on my phone list.. of people to talk to when I'm upset/ feeling this way. Noone was around. I had to stop at Wal-mart to get Darian Tylenol, and was afraid of what I mite do.

Then, D., called back. We've never actually talked on the phone before, but he was really sweet and really sensitive... and wasn't scared off by the things I ended up telling him. That's a red flag right there.. so either.. he's like T., and he'll totally drive me mad, or he's like EPB, and will be too needy. Thing is.. when a guy meets me.. and I share something like that with him .. about my borderline personality and/or self injuring... they should fucking run like hell...

Dr. went well yesterday. She told me... that I shouldn't be worrying about the HPV, because I had a surgery of shorts, to remove it, since all my paps have been fine since, I'm clean. That really fucks me over ,but at the same.. time... Everything thing I've read on the subject is inconclusive.

So,pretty much.. my life sucks, and I really wanted to jump off a bridge last nite. I wouldn't of done that, but I would of prolly cut if I hadn't of talked to D. I do need to reevaluate, and get myself in check though. I can't have this rediculous shit takeing over my life again, just because I'm lonely and heartbroken. I've spent most my life being lonely. I mean.. what the fuck is new? Really... I'll prolly spend the rest of my life alone, so it doesn't really matter. I can't really function when I'm in a relationship, because I'm too needy, too demanding.. and too jealous. So I'd prefer to be by myself in certain ways.... Though.. all I really want is to know I'm loved.

SO much..

Have so much I want to talk about/write about, but I need to be up in a few hours..

Life, love, EPB, T., and the other men in my life... blah.. I want to find a gf, I'm a bit sick of men.

It really is fucked up though, to each his own, and what goes around, comes around. EPB, emailed me.. telling me he emailed T., I'd like to know what the fuck he said. Its so fucked up. I break EPB's heart.. and T. breaks mine in return. I totally don't understand it.... or his mood swings, or maybe its just he's angry at me. I really don't know cuz he doesn't share those thoughts and/or feelings with me. Which makes me sad. I shared my all with him, and I only wanted the same in return, only I learned that too late.

I think I masterbated like 20 or 30 times over the weekend, maybe more. I wasn't counting, I was too busy moaning. Its kind of sick.. ya know.. I call men.. to use them for phone sex, so I can get off, since T. doesn't call me anymore. I miss that. I love how on key, and intuitive he is with me when we have phone sex. I miss that. Nobody could ever do me.. like he did me... ;) both over the phone and in person. I get horny.. just thinking about his voice, I love it. Its what I fell in love with first, that and his intellect... and the way he writes... its beautiful. I just have to realize that that part of my life is over now, it was short and sweet, and now I have to move on... its so hard. I so wish that I could do more, but I don't know anything I could say or do.. I left it in his hands.. his decision, as to what/when/if we had a chance together. He couldn't give me a straight answer, and to me, he mite as well said no. He says I have a choice in this, but I made my choice, and I can't make his choice for him. He makes it, everytime he talks to me, or calls or doesn't call. And sure, I could not answer the call, or not call back, or not email, or not communicate at all, but thats not what I want. Thats not what I need. I need him, and want him, and desire him, despite the stupid shit we've been doing lately... little immature spats back and forth. And I really don't know why he did what he did when we were talking online the other day..

He says to me.. I've been thinking about sending u a bouquet.. for xmas.. (and i'm thinking... what the fuck is that about??!?!? he's not interested in me) and then continues.. or a knife w/ a nasty note." I just sit there.. and think to myself. .. I wouldn't that if I were him, I'd prolly go balistic, and then be in jail for murder. That would take balls. He then.. proceeds to tell me in a few minutes, what I've been waiting to hear since he dumped me.. "I HATE YOU, go away leave me alone", I'm fine with that, if I believe it was true...

but then he comes back to respond.. after i say something mean myself, that i truely didn't mean... cuz i'd never want anything bad to happen to him, or any of his band members(despite the fact that they hate me and think i'm a wacked out psycho-- or so I'm under the assumption), he comes back and apoligizes.. and asks nice.. and.. like the T. that i know, and it eventually turns sexual, (of course)...

And if he came over.. would I fuck him? yeah.. if he invited me down.. would I go, yeah, and would i fuck him? yeah. Why? cuz.. having sex with ur ex is easier than finding someone new. And for me it feels safer.. though I wonder every day.. if he's found a new fuck.. or love for that fact. And because I still love him and i love the way I feel in his arms.. (oh.. and it helps that he likes to eat pussy)

but regardless.. its time for me to suck it up, cry, bitch complain, piss & moan, and get him out of my system... Its going to be a new year soon, and I have mountains to climb, things to accomplish, records to set, and hearts to break... cuz I'm not letting anyone have mine for a long time.

Love this shit.... YOU Know You're addicted to the internet when....

You Know You're Addicted to Internet When...

You kiss you girlfriend's home page. Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment. Your dreams are in HTML. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor. You turn your computer off and get this awful epmty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au" Your heart races faster and beats irredgularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened. You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you. You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice that you've been to all of them. Your dog has its own webpage. You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL. You don't know what sex your three of your closeset friends are, because they have nuetral screennames and you never bothered to ask. You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back. Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth. You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed" The last hottie you picked up was only a jpeg. You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while youre pretending to catch your breath. You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. You forget what year it is. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain. Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button. All of your friends have an @ in their names. You start using smileys in your snail mail You bring a bag lunch to the computer. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling. You type faster than you think. You double click your TV remote. You can now type over 70 WPM. You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail. You go into withdrawals during dinner. You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have. You have "Googled" all your friends to try to find out anything interesteing that they are not telling you and you can use against them later. You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away. The sound of the keys clicking turns you on. You have more browsers than friends in the real world. You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than 'in my opinion' and 'at the moment'. And they give you strange looks. You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes. The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use. You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**. You're on the phone and say BRB. The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to the internet.

Julie 

  
 

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Satur(FUCKING)day....

I had a good nite. I faced my fears (anxieties) and went to the club by myself, so see a band, I thought I mite enjoy (and I loved it-despite feeling a bit weird, being at the club by myself)....

So check them out.. ON MYSPACE.. The Underwater or on their home page... theunderwater.net.

It was kewl to get out, but even cooler.. to see the band that added me on myspace. Enjoyable. Though, I felt weird leaving early, but... I really didn't enjoy the band that came on after. The guys in the band are hot, I must admit.. (in The Underwater), though the band, after them.. I didn't really .. get in to their beat, they singer had a nice voice, and well I give kudos to anyone that can get up on stage.. and sing...like that..

I wish I could.

I've thought about it alot... why don't I do something about it? Why can't I sing??? cuz I don't have the practice.. I have an awesome talking voice.. and.. am always complimented on that.. (i get lots of practice talking)....

hahah...

So.. I'm still confused about T. Though... when the bad .. gets going.. just talk about sex, it makes everything better. I wish I knew what he felt or thought, about all the things I say to him... but .. I just get.. "I'm listening"... when I want so much more than that. I know, my stupidity makes me want him, but.. I can't get the thoughts of when we are together out of my head. I feel such comfort with him, I felt loved, and wanted and needed... and safe. When i was in his arms, I trusted him with my life, with my heart, my soul..... but when he's away.. its like.. a fucking nightmare for me. Its so hard to explain, I wish I could. I don't know how to just be his friend... because I don't want to. I want the chance.. I want the chance I gave him, that he didn't give me... I don't see why.. we know we both have problems, and we love each other.. (well i don't know if he really loves me, but.. until tonite, I really felt he did.... ) but i know I love him. I just don't understand, why we can't do things together... he tells me.. you need help, I need help, this just can't be healthy... but it can... if we both want it bad enough. I think, though its tough... that it would be a bit easier, knowing somoone loves you , and is on ur side.. I don't want to spend my life alone. I don't want to hve to find anyone else. I love this man, I love T... with all my heart.. and I want him to know that, I want the world to know it. I'll never stop loving him, I know that... and until I know for sure, that we can't be together, it will always be in the back of my mind. I just want a chance. I want my best friend back.

I'm so tired of the way we fight... we just keep nitpicking back and forth, saying spiteful things to one another. He tells me.. stuff about having to love myself, but.. I know how to love myself, just I've done things, that I don't know how to forgive myself for, but... I really truely.. don't think he loves himself. That he thinks he's not good enough.. for anything... but.. dread and misery..

Part of me knows in my heart, that.. things probably wouldn't work, we definately.. can't communicate well.. (unless its about sex), because I feel like he doesn't really listen to me.. or if he's listening, he has no input... but I feel like, even if it didn't work, having had that chance.. would be better than how things are now, cuz then we'd know...

I just get so mad.... about the fact that he told me he wanted to marry me... when I feel now, that he can hardly stand me.

Which internet subculture do I belong to?

Which internet subculture do I belong to? [CLICK] You are a Camwhore! Please, put some clothes on! Sure you might get some desperate lowlives paypaling you $2 to see your nipples, but the rest of us could use the bandwidth! More Quizzes at Go-Quiz.com

For the first time..... in weeks.... and then....

Continued Tonite.... SERIOUSLY.....

And the continuation of the series....

T. calls me last nite. I miss the call as I've just went to bed, and am happily masterbating.. well not happily, but that's another story..... so.. I was moaning his name, prolly when I miss his call because i have my phone on vibrate..

SO i see this morning... I shrug it off, and answer my voicemail... and the sound of his voice hits me.. like a jackhammer in the cement... as much as I want to deny my feelings, the ones I've been blocking for over a week... the ones I thought I was feeling better about.... they all hit me..

I hear his voice tonite, he answered the phone, which freaked me out, and then.. was really short with me, he was really disturbed by the death of the Pantera band member.. which ... I can understand.. but.. I didn't really know what to say.

I want to say more, but I can't, I don't hve the words, except that I love him, and I have to find a way.. to not love him.... its killing me. I just want to die today.. not just because of his lack of love for me, but because of what I've become... Noone has said it better than Nirvana... " I hate myself and want to die"

I hate parts of me so much, that nothing good I do.. will ever makeup for it. I'm dead inside, and nothing helps that. I just want to get things arranged, so that my daughter has a good life, after my death.


GOD, I've only spoke to two assholes in one nite.. I'm so sick of men.

Remind me.. on my list... of things to do, .. as part of my Last Will and Testament, I want a death notice, sent to Russel, as maybe then, he will remember that I was fucking serious when I said, I wanted to die. And since I haven't seen him in years... (by the time I die, maybe he will believe it had nothing to do with him being an asshole)

Why do I let shit get to me? Why do I keep giving people my heart only to get shit on. Lying doesn't get me anywhere.. (though I wouldnt' really know), but honesty sure the fuck doesn't. I tell everyone.. everything I can possibly.. tell them.. to get them to leave me alone, and not be my friend.. or want to date me .. and they never FUCKING listen. NEVER...

Then, I'm the one that gets hurt.

I remember.. when T. and talked about meeting, and dating.. that he told me.. something about.. him getting attached easily.. and that something about me.. hurting him. or somethign, shit, so many tears are streaming down my face, and i'm hurting so bad, I can't think straight... well he said something.. about.. if he got hurt, he may be the one taking all the pills or something.. something referring to him committing suicide. It pained me.. cuz when I wanted to meet him, I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, just it felt so right at the time, he made me feel so good. I was so scared that I would hurt him, and.. now, I'm sure he hardly thinks of me... I hurt so bad because of it, I never remember in my life, a man hurting me like this.. ever..... and I don't know how how to deal with it.. especially when i hear the stuff from him.. like i've mentioned before... "simple, don't get over me", or "don't give up on us, until we can get a chance to do it right"... u know FUCK HIM, he had a chance, and he threw me away, like yesterdays trash, and everytime... he says he wants to see me... and then doesn't come, it go thru those same motions again.. everytime he calls, and then dissappears for quite a while, I go thru it again.... I just want to die, so I don't have to feel pain any longer....

Its not just that though... ( i know part of this fucking nutso episode I'm having now... is not rationally.. and is because I'm having my period), but I've not dove down this low for quite a while, so it's fucking hitting me hard..

I'm sure some of this has to do with the change at work, and my lack of seeing my friends, and the fact that I had company.. a few weeks ago, and now I'm more alone that ever. Part of it results in the jealousy i have for others happiness... and my lack of haveing any real passions in my life.

Its more depressing... i like everythign.. but . i love nothing.... except a man.. that doesn't love me back...
(and of course my daughter..)
the only thing i'm passionate about.. is.. education.. and that doesn't get me anywhere.... i'm not a fan of anything..

maybe thats a lie, I'm passionate about driving, but would never do anythign about it.. I'm passionate about learning, and I learn something every day.. sometimes trivial things.. sometimes.. not..
Today.. I learned.. that I'm a loser.. baby..
So why don't you kill me??

Love is like a Computer

Had to post this cuz its fucking funny!! AND TRUE!! ITs in the Gay & Lesbian section, but can apply to other's as well.

Love is like a computer
By William D. Hicks

I've pondered love. What input produces the desired output? Finally, I realized — love is like a computer. All components, systems and programs must work harmoniously for love to compute without errors.


1. Garbage in, garbage out: If you keep telling yourself romantic myths about a prince on a white horse saving you, and that love conquers all… living on clichés, you'll never find love. No one's perfect. No relationship is a fairy tale. While gay relationships may contain two fairy tails — neither one of them is perfect! Well, maybe some.

2. WYSIWYG: If your date is almost Mr. Right – almost the perfect guy for you, if he would just floss and upgrade his hairstyle, then get a new boyfriend – get over it! Some times it's easier to buy a new system than upgrade it. It just won't happen. After all, “What You See Is What You Get.”


3. Too much input: Dating six people at once. It isn't fair to anyone! How can you integrate all the data and process all the information (about your feelings) if you're running six programs at once? In this case, you're bound to have system errors and hard-drive crashes. No one likes it when their hard drive crashes!
(I say FUCK that!!!, if your got the system to run it, why the fuck wouldn't you mulitask!! - Jae Ann)


4. 56.6 Baud vs. 14.4 Baud: If your date moves too fast (falls in love overnight) while you're still trying to make a connection, you're operating on different bandwidths. Be careful: He may be connecting with multiple service providers!


5. Pentium 5 vs. Pentium 1: If a date is stuck with an outdated operating system (lives in the past, dresses in clothes that were current pre-Vietnam), you two may be incompatible. Your date may be stuck in a Pentium 1 lifestyle while you're in a Pentium 5 world. Be leery — slower operating systems are outdated. Two men with different bandwidths will only connect sporadically.


6. Power Switch: Make sure a boyfriend knows which button turns you on. If he can't locate it, love may never boot up. Since neither of you comes with instruction manuals, don't mute your feelings. Of course, if he knows how to turn you on, he'll also be able to turn you off!


7. Power Switch: Make sure a boyfriend knows which button turns you on. If he can't locate it, love may never boot up. Since neither of you comes with instruction manuals, don't mute your feelings. Of course, if he knows how to turn you on, he'll also be able to turn you off!


8. Outdated Processor: If you want love – but he sees sex as fun and games – you're wired differently. That's like trying to get a Pentium processor to run a Mac program. Not going to happen!

9. Mac vs. PC: Macs are more artistic. PCs are more business-oriented. These systems are not compatible; word processing works on both, but other applications do not!


10. Intranet vs. Internet: If you're a man with a limited, selective friendship base while he has a World Wide Web of friends, you may be speaking different languages.

11. Secure Servers vs. Public Domains: Some men have a discretionary network of friends. They may put firewalls up or keep their binary info secure. Others send out cookies to newsgroups. Can these two types really find connectivity? Dubious!


12. Browsers: Some men are just browsers in the World Wide Web of love. They sign on, search, and visit many URLs. But they forget the passwords that open the ports of a man's heart. Be aware of these browsers.

13.Pop-ups and Spammers: Some men lurk in popular places hoping to be noticed, while others send out indiscriminate emails and IMs to every man alive. They're spammers. Watch out for deceitful men like this. They're liable to be infected with a Trojan horse and could cause your system to crash!



~ I read this.. and it reminds me.. of my life.. and what's wrong... . but its all about this.. .. ~ we, the guys I date & I are just simply incompatible, and its nothing more than that. Maybe that is why most of my ex boyfriends are still really good friends of mine. I'd like to think so. But we all operate differently. I wish I could tolerate the men that tolerate me, because it seems all the nice guys, either, have more issues than me, are too needy, or.. too possessive, and I can't deal with them. . so I break their hearts, and cry about it for a while, then I move on.... And I always fall in love with the men, that can't say what they mean, because they don't know what it is they want and need in the first place... so they fuck with my head....

Bridge

No.. not the game.. the one I want to jump off.
The thoughts go thru my head.. yes.. I've had a bad day. (second day in a row)
How tall would the bridge have to be... for me to know, that when I hit the ground I'd die, or.. that .. I'd be scared shitless from falling. I dunno, I don't think they have bridges around here that high.

I guess I'll have to wait a few more weeks, till I go back home, and am able to go to Kinzua. Um... I wonder if I'll put this one off. Third times a charm.

I dunno these thoughts go thru my head... daily..
especially today...
I have a list of things I have to do before all this happens though....

SSDD.. ( or maybe not)

Same ole Same Ole..

MOOD: Stable but wandering....
LOVE LIFE: Non-existent, boring, and did I say non-existent?
WORK: Frustrating and fucked up, as usual
FAN CLUB: mostly non-existant, unless you count the hot guy that just wants to fuck? but... I don't so.. I don't think he counts
EX-BF LIST: Um... they don't call, a few text, or message me online... but basically been nil for about a week now
POSSIBLE LIST: pretty much NIL for the nite, except Bryant, which doesn't really count because he lives like.. at least 800 miles away... (though he acts like he wants to do the ld thing, and won't really explain why, but I told him I'm not up for that... that and he didnt' call back...MEN..GRRR)
SI THOUGHTS: none much, except the wandering ones, that think about killing myself next year, after i get some good life insurance...
PLANS: The Silo on Saturday.. (most likely.. i got an add request from MySPace, from a band that is playing.. and thought it mite be worth it check it out), Don't think John will stop by, and Haven't heard from Mark.. since we hung out last..., other plans include, possibly.. meeting Rob, (he's asking again.. so I figure lunch won't hurt), laundry... and more laundry and cleaning.. and sleep.... Then Next weekend... Go visit Punky, I hope.. and The weekend after that, I head home... etc..
NEW THOUGHTS: to find love like my brother and his gf have, thru everythign they stick together, and its been tough... known each other since age 7
WHAT I NEED TO DO: its nice to hve plans, and goals for the future, I have lots of stuff planned for next year, that keeps the SI thoughts away, and helps me dream of a better future....

NOW: I need to go to bed...

GroundHog's day..

My life is like that movie, only the day is longer.... I wake up, and the same type of men appear in my life, I fall for the same shit, and I keep letting them in, only to be hurt... I say this referring to a guy I dated from Bangladesh, sees me online tonite, asks me to call, and stupid me. i do.. he goes on and on about how this girl, wants him to marry her... and he doesn't know what to do..he wants me to tell him... that I'll fly down to KS to be with him, and he won't marry her, cuz he loves me.. etc.... DUH, I've been over him... since like May of 2003, shortly after I tried to kill myself, but... part of me will always "what if", but I know in my heart, he could never tolerate the real me.. the bad me, the me that noone really wants... the me that come out when times are rough.... I see this same sort of pattern with T.... only I feel he has no fucking idea what he wants in his life, and so he pulls my strings, my heart strings, giving me false hope that we could ever be together.. false, ideas, false love.... love that even if were meant to be, it couldn't.. be. At this point I could never allow anymore more, than the friendship we shared.... I can't trust in someone that doesn't follow thru on anything that has to do with me. I can go on pineing over a man, that doesn't really want me... one that has more important dreams and ideas...

Maybe someday.. I'll find someone that can tolerate me, and maybe even love me.. but I know that will be a cold day in hell, as I can barely tolerate myself on those days when things are bad....

Just.. I know.. if I felt loved, things would get better, but until I can learn to change my perception into more of a reality... things will be the same...

I'm just so tired of that...
I'm tired of life..

Resistance is Futile

I see this... "Resistance is Futile" every day when I log in to blog....
I don't know why I wrote that, but I guess because I'm putting off the inevitable...

Depressed tonite, even though I had a good time. The guy I met from MySpace, M. & I hung out tonite... I still think he's a great guy.. etc..etc... cute, funny, ...and intellectually stimulating... and I think we could be good friends. I don't see anything else becoming of it, which is good, but also weird. I'm not used to hanging out with a guy, that doesn't flirt.... with me. I'm not sure how to handle it, and I question what he really thinks of me... we'll see, I had an enjoyable time regardless. He likes to drink though... not beer, nooo. he's a wine drinker...

So now that I'm home, who comes to my mind again, but T..... My stupid.. stupid... thoughts.. " I can't him out of my head.. " . I miss him. I want him. I need him.

Scratch that, I don't need him. But I sometimes feel as if I do. All I do is hurt, and allow myself to be hurt by his actions, or lack therefore.

None of it is important any longer... though....

I've realized some things lately.. only which of one I can think of... so I'll talk about... that. I lack passion. At least I think I do. I have to think about it some more..but.... from my talk with M. tonite.....

He was talling me about Mozart, and he was passionate, when telling me so.... and he asked me.. "are you a fan of classical music?" I replied, " no, I'm not really a fan of anything... I like almost everything"

Which is true, I do.. I like variety.. same ole, same ole gets boring, even the fucking internet. I sit here, alone, as I have most nites this week.. I feel lost, forgotten, and unloved. I know.. I am loved, not sure by who or how much, and that the reason I'm being this way.. is just years of fucked up habit... years of feeling unloved and unwanted... and the rest of the years trying to forget about all the stuff that happened.

WHAT HAPPENED?
too much to go into in depth tonite...
but lets start with this.....

A girl, 14 years old, has her 20 something bf staying at her house (that she lives in with her parents)... gets pregnant... and her father says the guy has to marry her.. and "make it right". That girl, was my mother... thing is, I don't know why the father cared, my grandpa, cuz I'm sure he fucked her many times before my dad did. Literally, I'm speaking.. or so the story goes.

So they get their own apt, my father and mother, and get married, a nice wedding in the Crosby church, and a Lathrop reception at the firehall next door. All the works, even a cake,I'm sure, made by my Aunt Donna. Wouldn't be a Lathrop wedding without that, and beer.... So Carol, my mother, gives birth to a 6 lb, 9oz ( I think) baby girl at 6:54am on February 15th, 1979..... just 6 months after her wedding. An ugly baby... tiny and wrinkley... I'm brought into the world. I've never heard a story about my birth, which doesn't surprise me.. because for months after my birth I'm sure my mom was too strung out to remember anything... Since I was born, my parents thought it was time to party. My mom sold her foodstamps for dope, and anything she could get her hands on... This came the time for my saviour, my gramma, probably the only thing that gave me stability in my whole life. She really is my hero, though I've never told her that, or realized that till now....

I went to my grams house every other weekend, this became ritual the next 13 or so years.... (TBC....)

MySpace BLOG

(from MY MySpace Blog.... enclosed for your viewing pleasure)



I never post anything interesting in this blog. Why? I don't think anyone really reads it. Who knows...

I met someone from here last nite, it was actually really nice. I feel a bit crazy going to meet him since I hardly know him, but it was well worth it. Had a great time, talking, and then.... yes..... we played video games... ( i know... i know... a rare occurance, a chick that likes video games) I had an enjoyable time, and got to see some x-box games, which if I can recall correctly... I've never in my life played an x-box. I've seen it played, yes, but never even had my hands on a controller.

Great first time experience, if I do so myself, I didn't do too horrible, but I've always had trouble with all the buttons on the controler. The game systems I've played the most... are/were, Nintendo... and Atari (waaaay back in the day), and Super Nintendo, and I have a N64, but its currently in storage, and haven't played it in years... plus.. I only owned one game... (Donkey Kong Country... which FUCKING ROCKED, btw.. until I defeated it a few months after buying it)... So am I going to enjoy the new PS2 that I bought my daughter for x-mas??? HELL YA.. after i get the games I WANT....
(Gran Turismo 3, and 4, and any/all GTA games..... can't wait-- then I'll never been on the computer... hehhehe-- )

So..yeah... this guy.... cute, sweet, interesting, fun, polite, did I say goodlooking.......??? I even met his parents, well because he's living with them, but.... that was nice too, they seem like really nice people... and their house.... was fucking amazing.. and beautiful, and huge.... Sure.. I've been in a house almost that size before... (but that was my ex's bfs best friends parents....but.. their house.. was.. just as big I believe... but.. they lived like slobs... so I was just like.... a bit offended... because.. of how they treated their property) But just everything about this house was beautiful... including this guys artwork... very amazing... very talented....

Ok.. I'll quit going on.... but.. I'm glad I have a new friend. I hope we get to hang out again... :)

One thing, was though i talked about my life with him, for once, since he dumped me... I didn't think of T., it was nice for a change...

Although... now I'm home.. I think about him of course, cuz.. well.... He left me a message saying he was canceling... (actually did this early), and he called and I missed the call, and I haven't heard a thing from him. I worry, but i know thats senseless..... because I'm sure he's fine... and he's having a good time, and he's not worrried about what I'm doing.... so again.. I know I'm wasting my time... but I'm not going to talk or think about this anymore .... right now...

Driving 90 on the Freeway....

I started writing a poem, and of course blogger fucked up, and here I am to write it again..
It was a poem about my random suicidal thoughts I get while I'm driving, it sort of went along the rap rhymes from Eminem... but... with my own random thoughts...

Doesn't matter now, I can't think of all the words now,

But.. as I drive home some nites, going 90, or sometimes faster, I wonder... would it look like an accident? would it be an accident, could I die? Would I die?

Almost perfect, dying do something I love, without it looking like a suicide... but then I'm posting these thoughts, so the people that read this would know. ..

Thing is... I think about the insurance policy I have, and I have to get the details.. I've already fucked up my daughters life enough, least I can do.. is make sure she gets some money.. for the hell I put her thru.

Thing is.. I'm not really suicidal.. right now.. just feeling lonely, abandoned and betrayed again. But I allowed things to be this way...

You only get what you tolerate...

I truely believe that... so why do I tolerate people? Why do I allow them in my life, only for them to hurt me....

One day, I will find someone who loves me, and can tolerate my faults, and my bitter sweet honesty.. they will be as open as I am... they will love me for me... and would go thru the bittersweet depths of hell, to make me happy. Just as I would do for them.

My "NEW" Black Hair

I keep getting nice commments on it... with the exception of T. He said, he's not sure if he likes it, he'd have to see it person, and some comment also about the pinkness of my face, seems gone, and he liked that.

But... everyone has loved it at work (the ones that recognize me), and A. (he's the cutest sweeteest guy at work, well.. other than M, but... thats besides the point) A., is black... (of course-- something about that turns me on), married and has four kids. The first day of work, I prolly had drool on my chin. Since then, I've gotten to know him a bit more, and was chit chatting with him yesterday... He's like, wow, I really like your hair, it brings out the colour in your eyes (that is the compliment I get most) I just keep thinking.. um.. maybe cuz I am wearing eye makeup now.. but yesterday I toned the makeup down, and didn't look sooooo.. "GlamGoth".. per say. I guess his comment just helped me believe what the others were saying.
He seems like the perfect husband. He works hard.. (our job is NOT easy)... and on his breaks, he usually calls home .. (or I'm asssuming so-- thought it seems he could be a little pussy whipped)... Just seems like a really loving father.

So.. anyway... I tried to catch up with my friends blogs, Truth (who hasn't posted since I read last... in Sept). .. I've been in my own little world, since shorting before that... I don't know how I've got thru the last few months. I found out, that after my own friend moved to Seattle, his gf (that was in OK.) broke up just recently. He seemed ok about it... I think they both knew it was coming... but.. I feel so bad for her. She's such a nice girl, and she loves him very much, that she is heartbroken. I worry, about finding my happiness, and if I will ever really find a man that could truely love me. I want that more than anything. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of dating the wrong guys. I'm tired of men with commitment issues, Im tired of lazy men, or men 20 years older than me.. wanting me to give them a chance. I'm tired of men with girlfriends or wifes, wanting me to go out with them. I'm tired of always being put last. I'm really fucking tired of being alone. Thats not what i want... I want a best friend, a husband, someone that i know without a doubt that loves me.. and if I do have doubts, he puts his arms around me, reassures me, then we could make love and fall asleep in each others arms. This... man.. the man of my dreams, would have to be understanding, because I'm a bitch for one, but also cuz i tend to try and make things more complicated. He must also be able to put up with my mood swings, and my shortcomings... He must also be a good kisser, and be very open sexually.. and when I say this. I don't mean.. and "open" relationship.. I mean. he must be open to new ideas... in bed.. you know.. handcuffs, whips, chains... (lol)...etc... I need someone who has bit of excitemnet and adventure in their life, but also someone family orientated.

I really thought I had found that in T. Although thru my stupidity I should of realized that even though we talked since May, that you can't really figure that out in that short of a time. And as each day passes, I realize that all the thoughts I had on the are becoming less true.. But that is life, and I shall move on..

and triumph over the pain that broken heart has caused me.. and climb the ladder to my true success, despite all the broken rungs.

I think (though my sisters idea), that I went along with the whole "BLACK" hair thing, because it could give me a chance to see on the outside, what I'm feeling lately on the inside... and because... I think I still look cute.... It helps me tremendously in more than one way. I'm not just the cute girl with red hair (because that wasn't natural either), now I'm the cute girl with black hair, that wears too much makeup, but has beautiful eyes...

My eyes, most possibly could be.. the window to my soul.

COMING SOON.... (hopefully tommorrow)

What my "alone" time is to me...

Not.. yet.. too many other things on my mind...

Missing..

I miss my old friends. I miss my "original" chat buddies...
I miss Michel... I miss Truth....
I realized, I miss high school, and I miss my best friend Jenn...
I miss Lisa, though I try to talk to her almost daily (though I didn't talk to her at all last week).... I miss Punky.... (alot-- I cry often, about that loss)

Punky was the first man that I ever fell in love with that I trusted, he was my best friend... my very best friend. He was always there for me, never asked for anything in return, and always loved my ego boosts. I knew he loved me, I never questioned that... and never will, because.. his actions always spoke louder than words.

I think that is one of my major problems... with relationships. All I hear is words, and no follow thru. I expect.. (and i know i expect too much 99.999% of the time) that if the man loves me... A. he'd find time for me. B. he'd share his life/joys & sorrows with me.... (everything) C. He'd love me unconditionally..

I know not everyone is like me, and I should quit being a hardass, but I don't feel like I should have to settle in life. I know the things I want... and I won't have it any other way. Maybe this means I'll be single my whole life, but I guess thats tough shit... ya know?

I want to be loved, I want to be held, I want to share my life with someone. Just a few months ago, I thought I found that someone... part of me still feels like he could be... but unfortunately, I think that he doesn't feel the same way. Thing is he's so fucking amazing.. and even though it hurts so much, I know that meeting him, has helped my life tremendously.....

Since I met him, I feel less alone, and have started to learn to love myself again... I gained enough confidence after my suicide attempt, to score a job in less than a month..... even feeling so depressed, he encouraged me, and I start to feel good inside again. I felt loved... I felt needed, I felt wanted..... I not only made it thru all the testing for the job.. I got thru the interview.... and thru training. .and as of the 20th of November, I'm thru my "probation" period. I think I'll finally feel settled when I get a name sign, even though I have a new home at work. A new supervisor..who.. (is new at supervising himself), but he seems cool, and I got to chit-chat with him today... We have our first team meeting tommorrow... I'm feeling more confident, for the most part about my job.. ( I had a few weeks, where i'd cry all day.. and stuff... ) Third shift.. is nice... (its 2:25-11:05pm-with my company) but I'm missing all the people I usually chat with online....

Feeling lonely tonite... missing T... alot.. mostly cuz I was really hoping to see him this weekend, but he said.. he couldn't come. I didn't quite understand his reason why... but I'm sure he'll tell me... when I get a chance to talk to him. I was really hoping he'd come.. I am very amazed.. that he told me last nite.. that he couldn't come, I usually don't find out till Friday.. and then that upsets me.. cuz i hate anything last minute. I want to find a sitter, so I can get out..... not sure with who or what.... but... I also want to go see Punky.

I'm trying to figure out.. what day i want to take my vacation day.. (or call in sick day)...

I was hoping to spend time with T. over the holidays, but his idea of holidays and mine seem to be different.. (though he said he was free on New Years.. )... He seems to like spending time alone... when.. I'd rather be with the one that I loved... (him)...

but thats just me....

Wasn't going to post..

But..
Feeling emotional.. So here I am.
My emotional outlet, my release from the pain.

Talked to T. tonite.. just a day ago, I thought I never wanted to talk to him again. I was so mad, so angry, and I realized so much about myself in only a day.

Which got me to thinking.. then he posted, what he posted the other day and I thought more about the whole situation, and how much.. it would never work out.. and I couldn't deal with it even if it could. I know that makes no sense whatsoever.... but... thats my life.

I wonder.. if he expects that I'll change. I am changing, day by day.. hour by hour... week by week... I've changed alot just since I've met him...

Since I'm moving to my job's third shift.. 2:25pm-11:05pm, I'll be able to go to the dr and such in the daytime.. and I'll be able to start therapy. I'm nervous, but I know this is what I need. I feel better about things already, despite the fact that I'm a bit sick right now. I keep losing my voice, and have had swallen tonsils. (Will call Dr. Tommorrow...-- cuz my tailbone still hurts too)...

The thing.. I can't figure out, is.. why T. . says things to me .. like this.. when I said to him, "I don't know how to get over you." He says "then dont get over me,seems like a simple solution", I question him again on it.. later in the evening. and he says.. "you should at least keep me in mind until we can do the gf/bf thing correctly"

I don't get it.. I can't figure anything out about him. He loves me but not romantically, because of my supposed stalking, which when I questioned him on that... he said.. "ur the one who said that", which I mite, have.. and if I did, I don't remember, but I'm sure I said it jokingly.. but anyway...

I wonder if he's just leading me on. ( I guess that doesn't matter, because even if he wasn't.. then I'd still want him... but.. it would be easier to get over. if he just didn't like me anymore). I wonder if he knows he has issues too, and that until he figures out his life.. (like why he's 36, and never been in a super serious relationship-- or why he met me.. and didn't run like crazy.. -- or like why he told me he wanted to marry me... repeatedly).. he shouldn't tell me I have to fix mine. That and the fact that noone gives me credit for what I do do, only for what I don't do. I already feel bad about everything in my life, I don't need an additional guilt trip.

I wonder what it is.. he really wants... or what he thinks he wants. I wonder why he reads my blog, and why he writes what he does. I feel like I learn more from his blogs, than.. what he tells me on the phone or online and such.

And... I wonder why... he still thinks he told me where he lived. I did ask, repeatedly... and the answer i got was.. (whatever the name of his town is.. --not Baltimore, but he replied that once or twice),and I'd say.. yeah.. but WHERE DO YOU LIVE? and .. I never got a response. I guess that was my cue, to say,, "HELLO!! TONY!!!!WHAT THE FUCK IS UR ADDRESS?" because the day.. I finally did get his address.. (right before he dumped me), it was like pulling teeth to get it.. and it bugs me more, that he couldn't see how upset I was that I felt like he just wouldn't tell me.

The thing is, I don't see why we can't try and work things out right now. I guess that is what bugs me the worse about this whole situation. I feel like, even if he wanted me down the road for whatever reason... that I don't know if I could trust that he could make a true commitment to me.

He mentioned something.. about freedom from guilt.... ( so I'm thinking, my actions, make him feel guilty about something) but I don't understand, why? or what? or whatever?? I questioned him, and he changed the subject.....

But whats new... he says.. he'd still like to get together sometime soon, but.. of course, no firm plans, but I should be used to that. He did say he was free on New Years, but.. I felt like he'd enjoy his time better alone. Though, it would be nice to spend New Years... with someone I loved, for once. Though I'm not sure what I have to celebrate.

Emotions...

I was feeling really emotionally.. and angry yesterday... over some things my ex wrote on his blog. (Yes... T)... cuz everyone knows I'm still in love with him. I know its best we aren't together, but I wonder why he stays in touch... and why this, and why that... and yesterday, I wondered if maybe if he did it because he thought it might prevent me from a suicide attempt. or if maybe he just felt sorry for me.... and then... he posts his blog..... Thing is though, I talked to Lisa, and got all my anger out before I started my day... and made it thru my stressful day.... only to come home and see an email from him.. and then my heart melted again...

"Let no one say that I don't “interact” with interesting women.

My “J”, lives in Reading PA, it's about a 2 hour drive from Baltimore. Not the nicest drive I've ever gone on, but enough to be relaxing and provide adequate think time in the car. It's suburbia, nestled in rural, surrounded by mountains, green trees, and the whole so sweet scent of poverty.

I met on her on Hotornot, which I recommend for anyone who, like I, clearly have the social skills of a slug swimming in rock salt. You know the type, those “cheery” people with enough skills to attract a crowd, while various levels of “eeeeeewwwwww” are being uttered, and of course, no one would even dare approach, they just watch, and wait for you to die until the next strange oddity comes along.

But I digress, this is about her, not me.

Although I will add that historically, I have an absolute hard-on for broken women. Suicidals, girls with mental health issues, sex abuse survivors, the only thing I don't do are druggies. Never was down with the self destruction thing, even if its a result of the aforementioned. Every woman I've ever dated (about 16 of them to date), has had one of the aforementioned. It's gotten to the point where if I got your phone number then you are probably fucked up. Probably, certifiably , fucked up.

The only exception may be “K” from NY, and even then I wonder sometimes.

“J”,my most recent ex, is fucked up. SEVERELY FUCKED UP.

She warned me for months beforehand, she told me, repeatedly, how she was. She told me about her history , her family, about her slut mother who slept with every man that walked, her various suicide attempts. I've seen scars she inflicted on herself, kissed them actually.

I remember the first time I was supposed to go to Reading to meet her, I had actually fallen into a slump that weekend. I wasn't feeling very well and I didn't have a lot of money, so I called and canceled. A couple of days later I received a phone call from her “ex” boyfriend, apparently she had tried to kill herself, again, apparently the day after I was supposed to see her.

Most people would see HUGE RED FLAGS at this point, but no no no, not yours truly. No, see this is the same idiot whose last fiance also tried to commit suicide, went to Shepard Pratt (major mental institution in Baltimore), and we had glorious sex while she was imprisoned there. Strictly for medicinal purposes to be sure.

After “J”'s flirt with death, I didn't run screaming, I didn't distance myself, and I didn't follow my friends advice. No, what did I do?, I phoned her in the looney ward, and I told her, that I loved her.

And meant every word of it.

And you know what else, I still love her. Not in some romantic sorta way (no her internet stalkings killed that one), but we started out as friends and I still really care. I still really worry about her. But I know there's something wrong when I am jerking off on the phone, talking her to orgasm in some vague hope that the resulting joyjuice lighting up her brain will keep her on the planet for another week or so.

On the brightside, she does have many good attributes. She is so her screen name, and would do anything for anyone. She's one step away from being a future Mensa member, and if the way she's raising her present kid is any indication, she would make a great mother, yes folks she has many good qualities.

...And those qualities outweigh any of her shortcomings.

Ok, so maybe I calmed down from earlier.... "


I cried, part of me understands more, but it still doesn't make it easier...
especially about the part ... that he does.. love me...romantically because of the internet stalking.... I did go a little overboard.. though I don't consider it stalking...

Its just.. I was dating him, talked to him since May.. and I was extremely upset because I didn't know anything about his life.... He wouldn't even tell me where he fucking lived... I thought for sure (this was my paranoia or something).. that he was fucking with my head, and just leading me on for sex, and I just thought he was lying to me about wanting to marry me... I thought he'd have his fun, then leave me just like every other man.

I realize, I do have faults, and some of the people in my life, I chased off, because I have my reasons. But many... so many.. I didn't do a damn thing wrong. I certainly didn't when my parents pretty much abandoned me. I had a guy email me about a month ago, a guy, that I only met on the internet, but we were making plans to get together. I told him about the HPV, because we had talked about sex, and I wanted him to know about it before we met, so he could choose what he wanted to do. Whether this was something he wanted to pursue... or not (this was way before my two suicide attempts... well. it was early 2003- when I started getting depressed, and sick with migraines) Well, I got up the courage to tell him, he asked a few questions, told me it was ok.. baby... etc.. etc.. then... he told me to call him later... I spoke to him a few times briefly after that, and didn't hear from him again. Until recently, he apoligized for fucking up so badly, and said.. that he was surprised that I even wanted to talk to him. I loved him, he was sweet and attentive, he had even mailed me pictures of him and his son, and they were both gorgeous. Pretty much all I told him, besides updating him on my fucked up life, is that shit happens man, we all make mistakes, and that I was just glad that everything in his life was going good. It wasn't a lie... but it was...

That what if syndrome (sp).... I do the same thing with T., mostly because I don't think he really gave us a chance. Thing is, I know in my heart I could never give him anything beneficial, so my reasons are all selfish. He makes me feel good, makes me want to be a better person, I feel so safe in his arms, I love the way he looks at me... and kisses me... and everything in my life everyday reminds me of him, and what I lost... and how I fucked up. He said it.. right there. in black in white.... I FUCKED UP.

But..I guess, its supposed to be this way.. I'm supposed to move on, Just I'm so scared that noone can accept me... I can't lie, and I wont hide the truth, besides at one point in a relationship, I'm going to have to explain the scars.... Noone understands... Noone.. I FUCKING DON'T even.. know why I'm this way.. I FUCKING certainly didn't ask to be. FUCK YOU GOD, if you really fucking exist, FUCK YOU, and the FUCK JESUS, FUCK EVERYTHING, and EVERYONE....

AND Have a good time doing it...

But.. everything happens for a reason.....

FUCK ME HARDER.... BABY

My ultimate fucking, kinky ass mother fucking fantasy...
and this guy has to tell me he's into it...(Randy.. the same guy, with the nice fucking cock)
Its almost fucking perfect...

A stranger....

who wouldn't mind having a threesome with another guy.....
no commitment,
no love,
no strings attached..
almost perfect....

But???
is it worth the risk?

Getting FUCKED... by a big cock

Well.. I'm not.. though I wish I was. I know I'm a fucking perv lately.. but..
well. I've been horny.. and well T. called last week, and phone fucked me... god.. I love that shit from him.. he knows exactly when I'm going to cum, and he always whispers just the right words.. that help me..

Believe u, me.. I wish T. was here tonite to fuck the hell out of me.. but I wish that more than that.. sometimes.. that I didn't have such a guilty conscience... and.. well that actually has nothing to do with T., it doesn't help. I know, even when we were dating, he didn't care if I fucked someone else. That bothered me then, and well.. still bothers me. That is one thing I wonder... would of been a problem if we stayed together... but anyway.. my point..

This guy.. my sister introduced me to him, owns a game shop.. whooohooo.. and well. seems intelligent.. cool, and is fucking hot.. asked me if I'd fuck him today.. (he's close, about an hour away.. only a few minutes from my job).... then... he turns on his cam... next think i know.. he's stroking his cock.. and.. well NO i wasn't offended. It was nice, long and just the right thickness... Damn did I feel like a little slut... I enjoyed the show.. which he let me watch right thru, even though i would masterbate on cam for him. I didn't say I didn't do anything.. I at least.. had to show him... how i suck my titties.. but damn.... now I'm even more fucking hornier, and have noone to help me with my prob. I wish T. would call tonite, though I don't think he will.. he's dissappeared on me.. again.. (whats new).. though.. . I'm sure, since from what I saw of his blog, that... he was busy defeating Halo 2 (congrats btw).... Still doesn't make me miss him any less..

I know I should.. just give up, and call it quits, why.. pine over a guy, that obviously.... will never give you what you want, and doesn't even want to fucking try.. at this point... I just can't get him out of my head. I read from his blog, more things that I want to see, about who he flirts with... and I keep saying.. why isn't he here with me? I'm not good enough, I'm not sexier enough.. I'm not what he wants or needs.... So why do I torture myself like this? I cry most nites about it.. I think about him constantly, everything reminds me of him. Its just, even if he decided he wanted me.. our lifestyles are so much different.... and because of this whole thing.. I don't see us working things out .. because I'll be scared with every little conflict that he will abandon me.... and in end, that would fuck up everything, because I would share with him my feelings, and would lead back to where its at now. So why?? i ask myself again. do i keep fucking torturing myself??? I mean.. we are so different.. I'm a people person, I don't need much alone time, and he seems to always need it.. well at least I feel that way.... I'd rather be with the person I love.. being kissed and carressed.. or playing video games w/ them... rather than by myself...

So anway.. to change the subject to something more enlightening.. I really wished I didn't get such a guilt trip thing going on.. That guy.. really had a nice cock.. it was really fuckable... but unfortunately. .. I have a conscience...

and in my own reality... I only want T. ... Though... even if that's all he wants... is a good lay.. I wouldn't mind... I miss being with him... he's everything I always wanted in a husband... (when we are together).....

FUCK

I forgot to write about how I went to the doctor's today. I'm doing ok, I think I have bronchitis or something... got some pills and shit.. something with codeine and of course a antibiotic. (the reek havic on my system).. but anyway..
THAT's not my FUCKING POINT..

I got on the scales.. ssdd, ya know.. and then she had me stand for my height... sure I LOVE to say.. I'm 5'3" though I know I'm not (in shoes I am)... but. I always thought I was 5'1 1/2" and fuck.. I'm not even that tall. What gives..?? I do like being short.. but.. I'm actually 5' 3/4".. wtf? I mean, I'm barely 5 foot, I know... being short has it's advantages, but when would 5 foot be perfect height.. maybe if he was 9 feet or something.. blah...

FUCK being short.. FUCK it all to FUCKING hell, MOTHER FUCKER..

OH.. and another thing..

Forgot to mention, my thoughts on T. the other nite.. I was upset, depressed, and feeling a bit suicidal... he ended up calling, prolly cuz i was being an asshole.. but of course I got cheered up...
I asked him could I could over and tickle him. he said.. something like.. "Would you fuck me instead.. "

Well duh... of course you don't have to ask me twice. He's the only one I really want, the only one... I came four times, when we had phone sex, I think thats my new record. I want him to come over, so he can make me cum.. . in person.

I want him so damn bad, in so many ways.. but is it good for me? What are his intentions? What is he really wanting from me, and why?

The Silo Rocks...

But men still suck.
They send mixed messages, fuck with your head.... and always say things,
to give you fucked up ideas.

I know what I have to do, I know what I need to do.
But am I going to do it? Who the fuck knows.. or cares.. for that fact.

What doesn't kill me.. may make me stronger, and break my fucking heart well I'm at it.

FUCK YOU, Mother fucker, and lets go ROCK the FUCK OUT.



OH.. and though I'm not a fiery redhead, on the outside ( I still am on the inside), I'll try not to let my dark jet black hair, reflect on myself and turn me into an evilous murdering bitch.....
Or maybe I will.

Wanting to post tonite..

But too tired to get into anything I wanted to write about.

Josh, Sunny and I had a good time tonite... then.. after Sunny went to bed, I had even a better time.. Josh is so attentive... and affectionate.. I like that.. (Yes, me and him are still broke up)-- He made me cum again... twice... and no.. we didn't have sex. He seems to be ok with that. I did share with him the thing about HPV, and he appreciated the fact, that I respected him enough to act like that. And now he understands why I don't want to have sex.

Plus, though I need the company, and the affection, it makes me feel good.... times like now, after Josh is gone, and home... makes me want T. more. I love the way I felt in his arms.. I loved falling asleep... naked.. after making love... I felt so safe... so loved, so comforted. Its something that I wouldn't mind having every nite for the rest of my life, though, I'm completely scared.. . that I never will.

OCD, and my Borderline Habits...

I dunno if that is what this even has to do with. I can't stop thinking of T. (OCD--well maybe) its not obsessive, just.. I wish we were sharing our lives together. I want him. The more I meet other creeps, the more I want him. The more I meet nice guys, the more I want him, T.... that is. Why? Why can't I move on? Our relationship really wasn't that long. So why is a piece of my heart missing? Why?

A relationship is about compromise right? So why did I have to say.. "OH, T. I don't think you can give me what I need." Why did he have to agree, and go with that.. for the basis of dumping me.

I want him to call me and tell me he hates me.. and to leave him alone.

He was talking with me about this girl thats his friend, that he was getting hot and heavy with... a month or so ago. I tried to talk and be nice... but it hurt. It hurt more when he told me... what made him happy.. lately.... the normal... then he said.. that she made him happy.

Why can't I just be normal. Why do I have so much drama? Why can't I make him happy... .. why doesn't he want to be with me? Why? I just want to understand, and it really kills me that he doesnt.

I love him, I thought he loved me... but.. love is never enough.. there are always other things that need to be faced... and I don't know why... it has to be this way.

Well..

Update...

I still love T. Madly.. deeply.. madly.. deeply..
Did I say deeply???

Broke up with Josh, he agreed, that its better we are friends, and that he was thinking the same thing.

I came twice last nite... I really needed that, and wanted that so bad, for so long, thanks, again.. u know who you are... that helped me.

Depression, is subsiding for the most part, I still feel.. blah, but work is going better... no crying. with the exception of the pain from me stapleing my hand. I did have a few tears.... and sometimes, I get some hard calls, but nothing that set me off lately..

And I have alot to ponder. Why do I hate everything? Why do I think I hate everything... cuz I really love alot of things.. but why do I bitch so much? Why does life have to be this way? Why was I born? Why can't T. and I be together..... Does he really love me? or does he just think he does?

Why does this thing with EPB.. have to be so hard.. I felt like I was talking to a customer on the phone. He called me the other nite, threatening suicide..and told me he had cut himself. I didn't know what to do, I hadn't talked to him in months.. i got an email a few days after.. from his best friend Megan.. saying. . he was ok, but in the nut ward....

What to do . what to do? Heading up north to pick up my.. sis... Can't wait!!
Almost thanksgiving.. I'm thankful.. I have a day off..
and that I can be with my daughter, and some of my family and that my car is fixed.. and that T. .. is still part of my life, and that I have good friends, Like... LISA.... Mike.... Michel, ((TRUTH)), Drew, and well. .. i'm sure i missed someone. and i'm sorry if i did.. but I LOVE YOU TOO!!

What are you thankful for? Would love to see people responses...

DO YOU.......

have tape worms?
and
schizophrenia?
OR
Do you have tapes worms and schizophrenia...

or is.. it just that I hurt your feelings, and you want to kill yourself?
or is.. it that you just can't commit?
or is...it that you just don't want to?
or is... it that you are too immature, selfish or stubborn?

OR.... did I do something wrong again?

Relationships

(from Tickle Marriage.com)


Julie, the thing you need most in a relationship is Connection and Partnership

Intimacy, especially highly intense intimacy, can be very hard for some to manage, but for you it is ideal. Even though you recognize that it may require some flexibility to make it work, you know that the feeling of being intimately connected is worth the extra effort. You want the level of emotional intimacy to continue to grow in your relationship, and therefore you will remain flexible so as to not compromise your closeness as you go through changes and different stages together.

There are 2 overarching themes that determine the kind of relationship you ultimately desire: the kind of intimacy you want to have with your partner, and the amount of flexibility you want to have within your relationship.

But as concepts, "intimacy" and "flexibility" might seem too broad and vague to fully comprehend. Because of this, psychologists have broken them down into subscales that will help you understand more clearly what intimacy and flexibility really mean for you in the context of a relationship.

The kind of intimacy you want is determined by three subscales: the kind of support you want, the depth of connection you want, and the amount of sharing you'd like to do with your partner.

The amount of flexibility you want is also determined by three subscales: who's in control of the relationship, how much do you want you and your partner to grow with one another, and how many formal rules or guidelines do you want to establish in your relationship.

When taken as a whole, all of these scales together help identify the relationship best suited for you, they determine your ideal relationship.

Read on to understand more about them, and to see how you scored on all of them.
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Intimacy

Your ideal relationship involves a high level of intimacy. Basically, intimacy describes the level of emotional closeness that you desire in your ideal relationship. More specifically, when it's broken down, the level of intimacy you desire is determined by three distinct ideals: how much support you need, the depth of connection that you desire, and the amount of sharing you want to do with your partner. These three elements of intimacy — support, depth of connection, and sharing — are described below. But generally what this means is you desire a relationship in which you give and receive a lot of support and in which you feel intimately bonded with your partner. You believe this will create a high level of trust and respect in the relationship. You also want your partner and you to be able to openly share your experiences and feelings with one another.

As indicated earlier, your intimacy score is composed of three parts: support, depth of emotional connection, and levels of sharing. Given its complexity, intimacy can look quite different from one relationship to the next. You can get a better idea of what makes you more or less of an intimacy-seeker by looking further into these three aspects of intimacy.
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Support

Supportiveness is characterized by the level of acceptance you have of one another's flaws, the fairness of your interactions, as well as the level of respect and trust you have for one another. These traits vary depending on your personalities and how strongly you feel about one another.

In your case you desire a very strong level of support in your ideal relationship. You believe that if you can be trusting and respectful towards one another, it will permeate everything the two of you do together. You are accepting and warm, generous with one another, and determined to be fair.
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Depth of Connection

Depth of Connection refers exactly to the level of connectedness in a relationship. When you're deeply connected with someone, you're sensitive to the time you spend together and the frequency with which you are together. At this level of connection, any change in your bond can be disruptive. Depth of connection also refers to the degree to which each of you strive to accept and understand one another as a unique individual. Lastly, depth of connection also involves how much communication you desire and the amount of unity you want in your relationship; some couples remain more separate than others even though they are committed to the relationship, while others prefer such a close merger that the two people effectively become one.

In your case your ideal relationship has a high level of depth. Your ideal relationship would have you so joined at the hip that any time spent apart might at times feel intolerable. You enjoy getting to know everything you can about your romantic partner — who they are and what they want in the relationship. It's important to you to spend almost all of your time together so that there is a sense of security in the relationship. With this level of depth, it can be somewhat threatening when separation appears likely or imminent. But the joy of being deeply and intimately connected is a stronger force than is the threat of losing that person.
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Sharing

People share many things in a relationship. You may share some aspects of yourself and not others. Or it might be very important to you to share everything. How much sharing you desire depends on your need for privacy as well as how well you want to understand life from another person's perspective. Sharing means telling each other about what you're thinking and feeling, the life decisions you're trying to make, your dreams and hopes, as well as your past experiences. Disclosing these things is more comfortable for some than it is for others.

In your case your ideal relationship is full of sharing. You want to know your partner's dreams, thoughts, feelings, aspirations, hopes, past experiences — the list is really endless. And you want to share the same with them. This level of disclosure and intimacy is what makes a relationship complete for you — your ideal relationship, at least. You want to share your life with your partner as fully as you can. For you, that means building a partnership where you can be honest with what you are feeling and where there are no surprises jumping out at you as a result of your partner failing to fully share with you.

Now let's look at the second dimension that helps determine the shape your ideal relationship should take.
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Flexibility

Your ideal relationship also involves a high level of flexibility. Flexibility refers to many different things, including your willingness to grow with your romantic partner over time, both as they change as well as when you change. Flexibility indicates your tolerance for weathering storms and for enduring those difficult challenges in life that arise. It also includes the balance of control in your ideal relationship -- the more that either party is controlling the relationship, the less flexibility there is. We will delve into each of these aspects later sections of this report. But generally what it means for you is your ideal relationship has an even balance of control between you and your partner, can weather and tolerate change well, and is free from any overly restrictive rules, guidelines, and so forth — you are each allowed a considerable amount of freedom and breathing room in your relationship.

Now let's take a closer look at various aspects of your flexibility score. For this test, your overall flexibility score is determined by three subscores: control, growth, and formality. You can get a better idea of what makes you more or less of a flexibility-seeker by looking further into these three areas and by seeing how you measure up on the different scales.
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Control

Control is determined by evaluating several different aspects of the power balance in a relationship. First is something called "locus of control," which essentially indicates whether or not you feel that you have some hand in steering the direction of your relationship. Obviously it takes two to tango in a relationship, but that doesn't always mean that each of you have an equal feeling of control. For example, does one of you tend to always get blamed when something goes awry while the other receives every bit of credit when all is well? Another aspect is the authority you assume or want others to have over you — do you like to take charge in a relationship or do you like your partner to have the reins? Lastly, control involves the division of responsibilities that each party in a relationship is willing to take on. Essentially, do you want to handle all of the tasks in your relationship or would you prefer for your partner to do almost everything for you?

In your case you like to be in control, to dictate what is done, and are comfortable making decisions that affect the both of you. You are willing to take responsibility and be accountable for both what goes wrong and what goes right. Overall you are the power holder in your ideal relationship.

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Growth

Your desire for growth with your romantic partner is the second area that contributes to the overall flexibility dimension. Desire for growth varies greatly from person to person and is dependent on several different things. First, growth is assessed by your willingness to weather the changes in your relationship and by how much change you are comfortable and capable of enduring. This aspect gives an indication of just how much you would be willing to sacrifice in order to stay in a relationship that is working for you. Are you out the door at the first sign of danger or are you willing to take the changes in stride so that you can stay together? When your partner goes through hard times, will you be there when they emerge from their slump? All of this is indicated in your growth results.

In your case your ideal relationship is very strong and committed to growth. Regardless of the changes that you may face, you will stick together. You are willing to sacrifice a lot for one another and for what you think is right. No problem is too big for you to deal with together— you are committed to doing everything you can to work things through.

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Formality

Formality is third component of the flexibility dimension. It indicates the degree to which you desire a structure and a set of guidelines to govern your relationship. Rules are the biggest part of formality and where you can see the most notable differences between partners — some people run their personal lives as a business and others operate as a free-for-all. Depending on the level of guidelines, rules, and conventions you are comfortable with, your formality score will vary.

In your case your ideal relationship is pretty formal. You believe in rules and regulations — not just for work or school, but for home too. With structure you are at your best and your relationship is more apt to thrive. Others might view your desire for formality as a little too rigid or structured, but for you, this is entirely comfortable. The trick is in finding someone who shares these same ideals and who knows that it is possible to become close even within a formal structure.

At this point, you should have a really clear picture of what your ideal relationship looks like. This in-depth understanding of what you value should be helpful to you as you continue the quest for your life partner. After all, if you know what you want, you are more likely to recognize it when you see it.

But, once you find your mate, it is likely that you will hit some bumps in the road — after all, it is rare relationship that doesn't have some difficulties. As such, we want to give you some personal insight and tools that can help you avert relationship problems and pave the road for a smooth relationship ride.
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Problems You Might Encounter


Every relationship has problems, so you should come to expect some difficulties and do what you can to prepare for them — without also driving yourself crazy trying to stop bad things from happening. Depending on your relationship style, there are some particular problems that you are most likely to experience in your ideal relationship. You may not be able to prevent these problems from happening altogether, but when they do strike, perhaps you will be able to solve them more quickly.

Ultimately, with enough practice, you will be able to spot problematic patterns that are inherent to your relationship style and even anticipate them before they happen. That way you can keep your relationship in tip-top shape. After all, we all know that the ideal relationship is hard to come by. But with an understanding of your personal relationship style, creating a relationship closer to your ideal is well within your reach.

As you recall, your ideal relationship style is characterized by a sense of Connection and Partnership. You tend to want high levels of both intimacy and flexibility in your romantic relationships. You are drawn toward passion and intensity and therefore you need to make sure that you have someone as hungry for this as you are. You are also really committed and willing to go the extra mile to keep your relationship strong — of course, you expect the same perseverance from your partner.

The only problem that can occur in this relationship style is when one of you really needs the other to conform to their needs or give more than normal. Because you desire a healthy balance of power and flexibility in your ideal relationship, it may be hard to adapt when these levels shifts. The way to deal with this is to recognize that this doesn't necessarily reflect an underlying flaw in your relationship nor does it necessarily mean that you aren't suited for one another anymore. If you notice this happening, be steadfast in building your connection and don't let the intimacy wane. If you remain connected and close while you're struggling through changes, you will be in a far better position to decide whether this person and your relationship are a good fit for you.

Now that you have some actionable information for how to avoid the potential pitfalls of your relationship style, let's take a look at how committed you are to finding true love.
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Your Desire for Commitment


In the Ideal Relationship test, we asked about your interest in long-term love and your willingness to commit in general. From your answers, Tickle has generated your commitment level score. This is based on your ideas about long-term relationships, ever-lasting love, and how focused on finding a partner you personally think you are.

On a scale from 1 to 10, you scored 9.

As you could probably guess, there really is no right or wrong answer to what constitutes the perfect level of commitment. What matters most is what feels best for you at this moment and that you are clear with yourself about what you want before you throw your efforts into a relationship.

No matter the level of commitment you desire, it is usually best to communicate what you want upfront. However, this is easier-said-than-done, because most of the time people don't have the benefit of knowing where they really fall on the commitment spectrum until it becomes clear later on in a relationship.

You may think that you have no interest in a serious relationship — and then one day you meet that spectacular someone. Or the reverse may occur and you may suddenly realize that you really don't want a relationship after all. Fear is one huge obstacle to a commitment, whether it's something a person realizes they have or not, and it can derail what could be an ideal relationship. Given that commitment desires are hard to pinpoint, even in yourself, it's a good idea to at least try to align goals for the relationship and to get straight with your partner on your general feelings about love.
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Relationships that Work
What works in a relationship can vary greatly from one couple to the next. After all, each individual has unique needs so there couldn't possibly be one secret formula for creating a perfect relationship for everyone. However, research does show that there are patterns that tend to lead more often to mutually satisfying, pleasurable and steady relationships.

You can look at your ideal relationship qualities as examined in this report and compare them to the qualities that have been shown to be characteristic of relationships that work. Based on this comparison you can decide whether the ideal relationship in your head is the one you want to keep for all time, or whether you'd like to bend it a bit to match more of what has been shown to work for others. Granted, what works for others might not work for you, so in the end, you may to need to simply listen to your gut and follow your heart.

10 ways to make your relationship more successful:
1. Make sure you want to be in a relationship and that the person you are with
is right for you.
2. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt — assume that they are trying
their best to make you happy and are acting with your best interests in mind.
3. Be a little flexible in terms of how much closeness and togetherness you need.
4. Learn how to communicate in ways that will promote your relationship and
build closeness and understanding between you. For example, show respect,
not criticism.
5. Learn how to love yourself and how to be in touch with your own emotions —
don't deny or suppress what you may be feeling or thinking.
6. Find ways to keep the passion in your relationship alive.
7. Learn to tolerate adversity and stress.
8. Experience life together as an adventure.
9. Accept each other's idiosyncrasies when it comes to sex — working it out can
only maximize pleasure.
10. Take time out of each day to grow your relationship together.

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I find this to be really true. It makes me want to be with T. more. And I understand my desire more to make things work. But I guess when you look at it like this, he doesn't have the commitment to make it work, and he wouldn't be right for me in the long run... because he couldn't stick around now...

Either way.. it still hurts... I still love him, and I still want him. I wish every nite, that he was with me.. in my arms. Last nite, he was really sweet, and I wish he really meant what he said...

I was really upset last nite, and crying.. and hurting, feeling suicidal.. and he said... he wished he could be here to hold me.. that he wished he could do more.. and he said. something about... you should of called me earlier.. I would of came over.. I wish.. If I called him every time I wanted to be with him, he'd consider me a stalker and have me arrested. Every time I get the urge to call, I try to talk myself out of it, cuz it just causes me heartache when I don't hear back from him. I love him so much, and it wasn't supposed to be this way.. he told me he wanted to marry me... I believed it.. I believed that one day.. we'd be together.. I believed that I was important to him.. and that he loved me....

now.. I'm just lost, and don't know what to believe. My daughter loves him so much, I love him so much... Its so hard for me to deal with the pain I've caused him, the fact that I was smothering him..

I don't know how to deal with this..
I just want to curl up in a ball and die....