People are so stupid

I don't know if my family has found out about this(this blog), and at this point I don't care. Its not just about them. Its about a man in my life, and other people who consider themselves my friends.

Apparently, my cousins have been reading my blog, and my mom. But my cousins have to tell everyone my business. I mean its out there... so its my own doing, but why do you have to talk. Keep what you read to yourself. Or reach out to me. I'm the one that needs to know you care. You only piss me off by telling everyone else.

And if you really love me and want to be with me, show me. This man, I know he loves me, and he knows who he is. But I know in my heart, we will be miserable together. We have nothing in common and he's always on my nerves. It doesn't mean I don't love him. But since we broke up. I wanted to, he finally agreed, he has new "friends" on myspace.. and is putting up comments on that girls page. She puts up half naked comments... and he drools over her. That hurts... especially since he's saying.. I want "US" back...

I wish he'd just go... and go with those girls sometimes.. and leave me alone. I can't stand him drooling over them, and so publicly.

I feel like noone cares. I feel like noone understands. I'm so depressed, and at this moment I could care less if I take another breath.

I give up

I can't trust anyone. I feel like noone cares.... I'm at a loss.

I went to this place called SAM today, that was a waste of time, because I do have insurance. SAM got on line with my insurance, and my insurance said I was discharged because I no longer needed partial hospitalization services, and the hospital told me... Wednesday it was because of my insurance.

I get told by this girl in group... that rumors are around I just do it for attention.... and she apparently talks to this guy I talk to in group, and has talked to him about me. ANother girl, really thinks its attention, but something was said, and one of the the therapists said... "oh, she's a special case"....

WTF..... Now I'm paranoid.. and suicidal...
I broke up with my boyfriend... only I don't think anything has changed. Only he's sad. I still love him the same, I'm just not jealous.

I wish someone would just slap me.. or I keep thinking of cutting myself... because I can handle that pain.... I just can't handle this pain.

Someone please help me. Am I that bad, that noone wants to help me. Am I that horrible...what did I do that was so wrong. Why is this other girl talking about me, and why am I feeling bad about what she's saying.... Why am I distrustful to this guy I've been talking to..... Is he talking to her about me... what is he saying?

He was just talking to me.. about how he's paranoid his old friends talk about him.. and now.. here I am.. feeling the same way...

I hate myself. I hate my life. I don't want to live right now.
If I'm meant to live, please help me get thru this.

8:55PM

The discussion again of us breaking up. It was made, by 8:55pm, last night, all was quiet, and at 9:00PM exactly the phone was hung up.

He finally, allowed me to allow us to break up. Maybe not the best decision, but I know in the end and it can't make it any worse. I'm struggling with so much right now. US... isn't even on my mind right now. Its just easier to type about this, than the shit I'm going thru trying to get help with my mental health.

I want help, and noone will help me. Noone can deal with me...

Noone said it better than Nirvana, " I hate myself and want to die...."

Decisions

My boi and I are at a point where I have a decision to make....and its all up to me... I don't understand why it has to be that way.

He's lied to me, I spy on him.... We have major trust issues. Things won't change... and he tells me he's not going to change unless I can definititively tell me that I want him.

I want him, on my terms, and I know it can't be that way.... so I guess I already know what my decision is, only I want to wait and see if he follows thru with coming to see me...

Will he?
Will he even bother... has he even tried to get a day off?

Life

Things suck.
Just as usual.
The meds make me a zombie for the most part. I can't think. I can't remember. In bed, I fall asleep and wake up without relizing it. I finally took a shower yesterday and went to a movie with my friend, I found a gummy vitamin in my hair. How does that happen?

I woke up once on my stomache with my cell under me. I wake up with my cell by my ear and noone there, briefly remembering a conversation with Chris. I thought Chris wanted to talk, and he calls me and asks me what did I want to talk about....

I'm like huh?

I'm confused and disorientated. I just want it to all stop. Luckily, I barely have energy to answer the phone... let alone do something suicidal.

Chris says he called my group. I think he's lying to me again. Otherwise he'd have more to say about it. I think he lies to me about alot of stuff.... although I do know he loves me and wants me to get well, but I doubt he's even trying to get his friends to understand. I'd rather have him drop me.... than loose his friends.

I'm not worth it. I gave up on myself and us a long time ago.

I'm going to go attempt a shower... I feel so weak.