Addictions

I have an addiction to attention. I realize why, but I don't know how to change it, and I don't want to completely change it. Thing is, I can't get enough attention from any one person. They are always unavailable in some way. It kills me.

Met a new guy today though, of course, when I was going to school. Exchanged numbers when I stopped at a light going down 422. He was on his way to work. He says he'll call, but we will see. Last guy said that too, but it was prolly cuz he was too drunk to remember who Julie was...

Talked to CJR, last nite, and also to T. Both want to hang out. Looking forward to both, but kind of disappointed, that AJ didn't even call or text me back, after deciding not to come over. I'm not sure he wanted to in the first place. I feel like he maybe talked to me so much, because he wanted to help me.. and the fact that he doesn't want to get involved with me, stems from more than just me being far away. Its only something he can answer.... but... who knows....

Then, EJH ( not sure which initials i used previous...) and had a really beneficial, but an emotional conversation for me.... and stayed up Saturday nite.. way later than we both wanted to, and I fear always that I've scared him away. He seems like a stand up guy, but he's afraid of internet.. dating...

Another Night...

Of chit chatting with my sweetie... I'll call him that, cuz he's the only one I really talk to lately, and because he is sweet as hell. We both were tired as hell last nite, and he didn't want to fall asleep on me. I asked him questions for a while, the book I have - 4,000 Questions To Get To Know Anybody and Everybody.... So I asked him questions from there, and regular questions, and I believe we talked about two hours.
I should of been doing homework, well reading Chapter 6 for my Macroeconomics class, but I didn't.... but I will be doing that probably tommorrow nite. I do have to prioritize, but he's the thing that makes me the most happy lately. I have many other guys that I usually talk to, but since I've started talking to him on the phone, I barely contact them. I'm supposed to meet CJR, on Sunday, but I'm not sure I want to. I'm sure he's a good guy, just I know what he has to offer, is not what I'm looking for.
But....
I'm not really sure what AJ's intentions are either.... I know he likes me, and thinks I'm cute, but... I'm not sure what kind of feelings he has for me. I know my feelings are too intense, and I need to keep them in check. I actually miss him, thru the day, and wish I could just call and say hi. When I think that though, I feel like I'm being obsessive, and that he will get sick of me, and at some point, not talk to me again.
I'm stupid, I im'd CG yesterday, when I was being bored, and was im'ing alot of people I know... and he im'd back, complainin about his life, and then saying he wasn't with anyone. He was supposed to be with me, but he ignored me for like 3 days, and I said that I'm not putting up with that shit. Fuck him. I was in love with him, but after all the shit that happened over that weekend, I just wish he'd go fuck himself. I still love him, and always will, but I could never be with him, and I surely don't want to build a life with him. I don't need that type of person in my life, he's a criminal, a liar, a cheater, a sneak, a former drug addict, & I don't think he's a very good parent. My opinions yes.... but, this is my angryness showing thru.
I deserve a good man, that has goals and dreams, and wants to make those dreams reality. I want a handsome sexy man, with nice teeth, that will love me, and take care of me, just like I'll take care of him. One day I will find it, until then, I'll just move ahead, and strive for my goals, & work on what I need to work on, to get ahead in life.

Myspace

I like Myspace, its a good site... and from a friend of a friend, I met a new friend, AJ, I'll call him. He recently read some of my blog, and told me he hopes he just doesn't become initials in my blog. I hope for both of our sakes he doesn't either. Part of it, is that I don't like to use people's names without their permission, in case someone that knows me may know them, and its not any of their business what I write about, really.

Anyway, I really like him. I feel crazy about it. Its those intense feelings that always get me in trouble. Its the, fact that if/when we meet, and he feels the same about me... I jump right in. I know with him, I don't have to worry about the sexual aspect of it, which helps take pressure off.... But I'm still going crazy with these intense feelings I feel. They are the feelings that end up hurting me.

I wonder if he'll read this. I wonder what he'll say if he does read it if anything. It was nice. We've talked the last two nites, first nite for like 3 hours, and last nite.. probably a total of two... or so... And he's not a phone person.. or a talker... he says. We hardly had silence. There were two or three. One was when I said... " I really like you, AJ..." and he replied, after a brief pause, " I like you too." then there was that silence. I was like... "Duh, Julie, What did you say that... its most likely obvious that you like him."

I just don't know what to think. He lives far away... well, like 2 1/2 hours, and if we do get along.. I worry about the distance. It sucks. He doesn't like that either. He's made that clear. I feel like, part of me, should just not worry about it, and whatever happens happens.. but I don't want to be with someone I care about and feel lonely at the same time. I like to be able to spend time with the one that I am with.

I'm not sure what else to say about him... I think he's amazing though. Sweet, sensitive, intelligent, likes quite a few things I like.. and all over an interesting guy. He says he's a "good" boy, and for the most part he seems to be, but there is one thing that, may make some thing he's not.... but I still think he may be one of the few that are still "nice guys".

I love his voice. He acts like he really likes me, and I love it. I'm scared though, what if he likes me more than I like him. What if I like him alot, which I do, and he doesn't recipricate... What if someone else, sweeps him off his feet? He seems to meet girls that don't appreciate him, just like the men I meet.

I think, regardless whether this goes any further than friends, we can help each other, and be there for one another, as friends, so we know there is someone that really cares about us.

Alive & Kicking

Still Alive folks, nothing to see here...
But an hour ago or so, there would of been a show.
Yeah I'm still alive, I survived the surgery,
healing slowly, but still making bad decisions
1. I decided to give CG another chance, it only took him.. like 2 days to fuck it up.
2. I went with this guy tonite, and hung out, and he put a gun to my head, and thought it was funny. He apoligized, but I'm still trying to figure out why he would do that. I didn't really think he'd hurt me, but I shouldn't of put myself in the position.
3. I'm still awake when I should be fucking sleeping.

More at a later date....

I miss you!!

I miss you and wonder how you are and how your weekend went?? I also wonder why it has been so long since you have posted in your blog??.......I love reading your thoughts, poems, stories, and daily happenings of your life! We, the people, kindly demand an update! LOL How are things going in general? And how are you feeling, throat-wise? =o) Let me know and let me know when you are going back to work! Love you and miss you!

Surgery

Tommorrow..
Nervous,
Anxious,
Nervous,
Anxious.....
Anxious.....
Worried....
Anxious....
Did I say Nervous???